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Mark Your Calendar!
BON’s 2013
23rd Annual
Conference
Change, Transition &
Transformation
Healing after Loss...
October
16, 17, 18 Pre-Conference
Retreat Day
October 16
Geneva Park
Orillia
Call for Papers
coming soon!
Imagine... expanding the opportunities
for BON in 2013!
BONewsletter January 2013
Inside this issue:
BON information 2,3
Chair & Web Guys 4
Regional Reports 5-14
2013 Conference 15
CDN Virtual Hospice 15
Article
‘Ambiguous Loss’ 16
Book Reviews 17
Article
‘Writing about Grief’ 18
Movie Review 19
Article
‘Transitions’ 20
2
Near North Region (Cochrane, Muskoka, Nipissing,
Parry Sound, Timiskaming & Timmins)
- Richard Paul ~ [email protected]
Niagara Region (Haldimand, Lincoln, Norfolk
& Welland)
- Janet Devine ~ [email protected]
North West Region (Kenora, Rainy River & Thunder Bay)
(currently vacant)
Ottawa Capital Region (Lanark, Leeds & Grenville,
Ottawa-Carlton, Prescott & Russell, Renfrew, Stormont,
Dundas & Glengarry)
- Margaret Burnside ~
- Linda Robillard ~
Peterborough Region (Haliburton, Northumberland, Peterborough & Victoria)
- Jill Sadler ~ [email protected]
Simcoe-York-Dufferin Region (Simcoe, Dufferin &
Durham County, north of Stouffville & York County, north of
Markham & Richmond Hill)
(currently vacant)
Sudbury-Sault Ste. Marie Region (Algoma, Manitoulin & Sudbury)
- Betty Ann McPherson ~
We greatly appreciate the support of our readers
in locating new regional representatives.
Would you be interested in joining our team?
If so, please see page 3 for further information.
Bereavement Ontario Network 101 Appleford Road
Hamilton, ON L9C 6B5
Telephone 905-538-9397
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.BereavementOntarioNetwork.ca
BON Regional Representatives
Belleville-Kingston Region (Frontenac, Hastings,
Lennox & Addington, & Prince Edward)
- Maggie Forsberg ~ [email protected]
Chatham-Windsor-Sarnia Region (Essex, Kent, Lambton)
- Sonia McMahon-Comartin ~ [email protected]
Durham Region ~ formerly GTA East (east
of Don Valley Parkway incl. Durham-south of Stouffville)
- Fran King ~ [email protected]
Grey-Bruce Region (currently vacant)
GTA West (north to Markham, Richmond Hill & Peel)
- William Cooke ~ [email protected]
(coming vacant)
Halton-Hamilton Region (Halton-Hamilton-Wentworth)
- Bev Wilson ~ [email protected]
Huron-Perth Region - Eugene Dufour ~ [email protected]
Kitchener-Waterloo Region (Brant, Oxford, Waterloo & Wellington)
- Marny Williams-Balodis ~ [email protected]
& Beth Bailey ~ [email protected]
London-St. Thomas Region (Elgin & Middlesex)
- Mary Lee Felder ~
& Barb Saunders ~ [email protected]
Board of Directors
Chair
Janet Devine
Past Chair
Bev Wilson
Vice Chair
Betty Ann McPherson
Treasurer
Grant Churcher
Advisor to the Board
Susan McCoy
Interim Administrative Assistant
Rose MacDonald
2013 BON Membership Renewal
Please Note
Membership renewal is now underway.
The 2013 membership registration form
is available on the website.
Registration deadline is March 16th,
2013 to ensure continuity of listing in
the BON Directory.
3
BON Mission Statement
Bereavement Ontario Network is a network of individuals,
groups, and organizations which, through the exchange of
ideas, resources, and energy, is dedicated to helping the
bereaved and the dying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bereavement Ontario Network (BON) is a diverse group
of organizations and individuals across Ontario that work
in the field of grief and bereavement as professionals and
volunteers.
BON provides opportunities to access, in a reciprocal
manner, the knowledge, experience, wisdom, and
sensitivity of other members in Ontario. You can use
BON to access this support for your clients and yourself.
Membership in the Bereavement Ontario Network is
open to individuals, volunteer organizations, small
business, and corporations. If your work brings you in
contact with bereaved individuals, BON can help you to
help them.
BON offers an annual conference, a directory of
members, this newsletter, website, and the services of
volunteer regional representatives. These representatives
are available to answer questions and to refer you to
available resources within your region.
About the BONewsletter
Help us to help you! The BONewsletter belongs to you! We encourage
your contributions by submitting articles, book
reviews, and audiovisual reviews. Let us know
about news in your region, any upcoming events, as
well as your comments and suggestions. Tell us
about a great website that we can share with
everyone in the BON “Network” across Ontario.
We will accept previously published articles that
are accompanied by written permission to reprint.
BON reserves the right to edit all contributions for
clarity, punctuation, spelling, grammar and syntax.
The BONewsletter is published four times a
year. January, May, September &
November.
*Deadline for the May edition is
Friday, May 3rd. Please submit
on time. Thank you.
Please send your submissions via email to:
Newsletter Editor: Janet Devine
Newsletter Distribution: BON Office
BON Regional Representatives are the face of BON in the 16 Regions of Ontario.
With the members of their region, they provide the vital service of finding and connecting people involved in bereavement
care and education in their part of Ontario. They bring the news of BON to its members and the ideas and concerns of its
members to the Board. Regional Reps help members get to know one another and share news (conferences, workshops,
new books, and highlights) with one another. They find ways to connect members of the public with the services of local
BON members. As the annual conference approaches, they ensure members and member organizations are aware of all of
the ways to participate, attend and enjoy the conference to the fullest. Regional Representatives ensure that the Network
that is BON is a vital force of connection to the people and resources that care for those who mourn in Ontario. Regional
Representatives are part of the BON Board and attend in-person (currently once-a-year + conference) and Skype conference
calls (as needed). Board members are able to attend the annual conference at cost. Being a Regional Representative provides
an opportunity to make a real contribution to the grief, loss and bereavement work in one’s region and the province.
You become part of a team of dedicated, passionate and visionary care providers. It is rewarding work.
We would like to know whether this is something that might interest you individually or as a team or perhaps you could help
put us in touch with some possible candidates in your region.
Thanks, Betty Ann BON Vice Chair, Regional Rep Liaison
Email: [email protected]
There are Regional Rep openings available for the Grey-Bruce Region, the GTA West Region, the
North West Region and the Simcoe-York-Dufferin Region.
Please consider joining our great team!
BON Regional Representative Job Description
4
Message from the Chair
Hello BON members, and welcome new BON members!
Well, a new year is underway and it would appear that we are in for an exciting year ahead. Your BON executive has been
hard at work over the past few months, building on the momentum that was generated during our very successful 2012
Conference. Many thanks to Marny Williams-Balodis and her merry band of workers for that!
But first, let’s review 2012, a little bit of a ‘state of the union’ address. It is thanks to the dedicated efforts of some amazing
people that BON finds itself strong and steady and ready for change, transition and transformation (to borrow from our
newly minted 2013 conference theme).
We are beginning a new year with:
A great new website ~ with special thanks to Richard Paul and Grant Churcher, BON’s “web guys”
A new website membership Directory that is kept current through the efforts of Rose MacDonald & Grant Churcher
A growing membership ~ with special thanks to our volunteer regional reps who continue to spread the word
A special thanks must be extended to our outgoing Interim Administrative Assistant, Rose MacDonald, who came to BON
in our time of need. Her calm professionalism helped to guide BON through some turbulent waters and assisted the
executive in making and executing the decisions that have led us to where we are today.
So what’s ahead for BON in 2013? Well…..
We are listening to our members who have shown great enthusiasm and are embracing the idea of rebranding
BON…..you will be part of this conversation so stay tuned…..
We are in the process of hiring a new Administrative Assistant…..with thanks to Bev Wilson and Betty Ann
McPherson for the hours they spent in reviewing and revising the information necessary for the hiring committee
We will have a new constitution/set of by-laws to present to the membership before the 2013 Conference…..with
thanks to William Cooke, Richard Paul, Grant Churcher and Bev Wilson (not the most exciting topic but one that is
nevertheless important)
An amazing 2013 Conference with advance thanks to Marny-Williams Balodis and her conference planning committee
And that brings me to my final but perhaps most important point of all!
None of this can be accomplished without the support and involvement of our BON members!
YOU are an important part of Team BON! We need you to support your Regional Reps! We need more Regional Reps!
We need more volunteers so that we can expand our opportunities for BON in 2013! This is your invitation!
Cheers! Janet Devine
Message from BON’s “web guys” Website Links Button - If you are listed on our links page please check to make sure that your link
is current. If you are a member and would like to be added to our links page please let us know.
Links info/queries should be directed to Grant Churcher - [email protected]
Website Calendar of Events Button - Upcoming events will be posted on a regular basis. Informational
material being submitted for the website should be submitted in simple WORD format to allow for easier input
onto the website. BON would like to maintain a uniform appearance on the calendar of events page.
Calendar of Events info should be sent to Richard Paul - [email protected]
Please Note - Richard would appreciate it if the word “website” would appear in the subject heading of
the email so that calendar of event information will not be misfiled.
BON member Email Notices of Upcoming Events - members should contact the BON office
directly at [email protected]
For Changes in Directory Information - members should contact the BON office directly at
Please Note - The Website Directory will be updated on a regular basis.
5
Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2013 will be a year filled with good health, happiness, and lots of love.
Hospice Kingston:
Hospice Kingston’s next 6 week bereavement group commences April 16 thru May 21, 2013. Sessions are held here at
36 Barrie Street every Tuesday for 6 weeks between the hours of 6:30 pm – 8 pm. Please phone Carole Pensom at
613-542-5013 ext 2 or email [email protected] if you would like to join the group. Pre-registration is required.
We are also holding a full day workshop on Thursday March 21st, 2013.
“Care for the Dying: Making Meaning at the End-of-Life”
Hospice Kingston is very proud to bring Stephen Jenkinson to Kingston for this day of provocative teaching. For details and
cost please contact Sandy Whaley at Hospice Kingston or email [email protected].
Hospice Quinte:
Moving forward…A chance to walk through your grief. Hospice Quinte offers a walking program for the bereaved.
Contact Cathy Ouellette to register at 966-6610 ext 225.
“Caring & Sharing” Bereavement Services. The support group meets the third Thursday of each month at 2:00 pm at the
Hospice Center. Please Contact Cathy Ouellette for more details. [email protected] or
613-966-6610 ext 225.
Bereaved Families of Ontario Kingston Region:
Our first Bon-Spiel will be held on April 7th at the Cataraqui Golf and Country Club.
Please call for more details or to register a team.
Our Belleville Evening Programs are held at Hospice Quinte at 225 Dundas Steet East.
Open Mothers' Bereavement Support Group: This group will meet every second Wednesday from 6:30-8:30 pm.
Any mother who has lost a child is invited to join us as we share the pain of loss in a confidential and safe place.
On-Going Mothers' Support Group: This group provides ongoing support to mothers who have participated in the
previous bereavement group. This group will be held every second Tuesday from 6:30-8:30 pm. We encourage and
welcome all mothers who wish to continue sharing their grief to attend and draw support from one another.
As of January 1st, 2013, we will have a new office in the lower level of Gordon F. Tompkins Funeral Home at
435 Davis Drive. The phone number has remained the same 613-634-1230.
Our Programs are as follows:
Mother’s Night in Kingston is on the second Tuesday of each month. All mothers who have lost a child over the age of
one are welcome to attend.
Baby Loss Night is on the third Wednesday of each month. All mothers who have lost a child under the age of one,
including miscarriages are welcome to attend.
Spousal Loss Night: This is an open support group for anyone who has lost their spouse or partner. It is held on the
second Thursday of the month, at 6:30 pm.
Family Night: This meeting is open to any adult who has had a loss. We host a social period afterwards, which allows for
people to share their thoughts with others if they wish. Family night is on the third Tuesday of the month @ 6:30, all are
welcome.
One on One Peer Facilitation: This is the opportunity for the bereaved to share their thoughts and feelings individually
and privately with a trained volunteer. Sessions are held in a private location within Gordon F. Tompkins. One-hour
sessions are scheduled by appointment. Please call us at 613-634-1230 to schedule an appointment.
Teen Grief Program: Our teen grief pilot program has been a huge success!! We have been invited back to run another
8 week program during the second semester at Regiopolis Notre Dame High School.
We are looking for more volunteers to help out with our teen programs. All training is provided.
Please contact us if you are able to help.
Grief and how it relates to loss of a job: We will be running our first workshop on grief and how it relates to job loss.
This workshop will be held at Keys in Gananoque. Dates and times are still to be decided. Please call our office for more
details at 613-634-1230.
VOLUNTEERS ARE NEEDED!!! PLEASE CALL IF YOU CAN HELP. Call 613-634-1230 or email Maggie Forsberg
[email protected] (Please note the “r” between Maggie and Forsberg).
Cont’d on next page
Belleville-Kingston Region
News From Across The Regions
6
Hospice Lennox & Addington: ANNUAL FUN-SPIEL. The fun-spiel will be held at the Napanee Curling Club.
PRIZES * FUN * LUNCH * DINNER $180 per team. 613-354-0833.
James Reid Funeral Home: After the funeral, we provide one year follow up. This includes an initial contact by phone
call or letter. Ongoing support is then provided as desired.
Individual and Family Support: The After Care Coordinators are available to provide short term grief support.
We accept referrals from health and social agencies, nurses, physicians, clergy and the community.
Public Education Nights: You are welcome to join us for a presentation and reflection on a grief related topic.
We meet in the James Reid Funeral Home Reception Centre, from 7-9 pm, on the first Monday of each month.
Refreshments are provided.
For more information, contact one of the After Care Coordinators at 613-544-3411: Rosemary Thoms or Gundi Hodge.
Hospice Prince Edward: Life-limiting illness affects not just the person who is ill, but also family and friends. Hospice
care includes support, both during the patient's illness and when death occurs. We offer this service to anyone who has
experienced the loss of a loved one. Our bereavement support is offered by trained volunteers who organize small
peer-group meetings where people can share their grief journey in a safe confidential environment. We can coordinate care
with partnering health care team members when necessary.
We also offer conversation and support to those who may be interested in setting up or developing a bereavement support
service. To find out more about our grief and bereavement sessions, contact the confidential voicemail of our client care
coordinator Audrey Whitney at 613-476-2181 ext 4519.
The Edith Fox Life & Loss Centre: Lambs for Children is an eight week (90 minute per week) program that supports
and empowers children who are grieving. The program builds on the diversity and inclusiveness of each individual loss.
Each program is delivered by a clinical psychotherapist and trained volunteers who remain with the group throughout its
entire series of sessions, ensuring important and non-threatening continuity in what are often discontinuous and shattered
lives. Contact: Kathleen Foster-Morgan, Clinical Member Ontario Society of Psychotherapists.
Phone: 613-476-1128 or email: [email protected].
Respectfully submitted by Maggie Forsberg
Belleville-Kingston Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
Chatham-Windsor-Sarnia Region
Happy New Year everyone! Just a couple of updates.
The Chatham-Windsor-Sarnia BON members will meet for a networking and information sharing meeting in Chatham in April.
Stay-tuned for further details.
Also Save The Date. Dr. Alan Wolfelt will be presenting in our area on November 12, 2013.
More details to follow.
Respectfully submitted by Sonia McMahon-Comartin
Chatham-Windsor-Sarnia Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
The 23rd annual BON Conference, October 16, 17 & 18, 2013 Geneva Park Conference Centre, Orillia, ON
Change, Transition and Transformation Healing after Loss…
Call for Papers coming soon!
Sponsorship opportunities available
7
Durham Region (formerly GTA East)
I want to wish everyone a happy and healthy 2013. As I look back on my activities with BON in the past year I have such good
memories of meeting so many committed people at our annual BON Conference at Geneva Park. It has been a pleasure to be
part of this important networking organization and I always look forward to our annual conference.
I recently joined LinkedIn and as a result have connected with several international organizations associated with grief, loss and
bereavement and have been impressed with the quality of information that I continually receive from professionals in our field.
The topics discussed are incredibly stimulating and I seem to learn something new every day that I can share with my clients
and colleagues. We certainly are a “global village” and this fact underlines my philosophy that we are all in this together as we
companion those who are dealing with loss.
As the events unfolded in December 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut, people all over our world
expressed their horror and sadness in reaction to the senseless killings of innocent children and school personnel.
If you would like to receive informative resource links pertaining to this event from the National Centre for
Crisis Management and the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress please email me at
Now for some regional news…
Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre, 86 Colborne St., Oshawa provides bereavement support for children, teens and
adults. Check out their website www.hearthplace.org or call 905-579-4833.
Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre provides free Camp Quality Puppet Shows to elementary aged children. The Camp
Quality Puppet Show uses life-sized puppets and through short plays encourages sensitivity about cancer and its effects.
Contact Sonja at 905-579-4833 or [email protected]. Check out www.campquality.com.
Namaste Grief Support Group led by BON member, Tom Easthope, is starting Feb. 12, 2013 from 2-3 pm. This is an 8
session bi-weekly support group for people who have lost a loved one to cancer and will provide both educational and
emotional support. Call 905-579-4833 or email [email protected] to register.
Kids Connection: A six week support group for children who are coping with the serious illness of a loved one with cancer.
Starting on Jan. 10, 2013, 7-8:30 pm for 8 sessions. Facilitator: Donna Cuthbertson, BON member. Call 905-579-4833 or
email [email protected].
Pediatric Cancer Family Support Program: Each month, Hearth Place offers a facilitated peer support group where
parents can connect with one another and share in a supportive environment. Children will participate in activities with
Hearth Place staff and volunteers. Pre-registration is required. Please call Carolyn at 905-579-4833 or email
Children’s Bereavement Kits include a stuffed comfort bear and grief resources and are available upon request.
Join Fran King for a Teen Grief Workshop at Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre,
Monday, March 25, 2013, 9 am - 3:30 pm. Participants will be better able to understand
the unique nature of teen grief and will be able to access specific resources and tools to
help support teens during their grief process. Participants will receive DVD’s: ‘Hear How I
Feel’, ‘When Families Grieve’, Sesame Street Divorce Kit and a memory stick that holds
Teen Grief Support Manuals and bereavement resources.
Contact [email protected] or call Meredith at 905-579-4833 for registration
information. Registration fee of $100.00 includes lunch, snacks, resource materials and
memory stick.
Respectfully submitted by Fran King
Durham Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
8
BON member Mary Winkler from VON in Grey Bruce reports that VON has been offering grief and bereavement support
groups for the last two years with two very good facilitators. They are also developing volunteer capacity to lead peer
support groups as needed. Please stay tuned...
GTA West Region (coming vacant)
GTA West is in transition as we seek a new Regional Representative. Current members of the region are encouraged to
contact me or BON’s new Vice Chair Betty Ann McPherson to learn about what’s involved in being a Regional Representative.
Betty is the Board’s contact person for all regional reps and a wonderful source of ideas, encouragement and inspiration.
GTA West members were treated to an excellent workshop by Canadian author Katherine
Ashenburg entitled, “The New Grief Etiquette”. This was the third and final workshop in the
2012 Local Heroes workshop series, sponsored by Turner and Porter Funeral Homes. Katherine
sold out copies of The Mourner’s Dance: What We Do When People Die along with her
latest book, The Dirt on Clean: An Unsanitized History. To learn more about Katherine go
to her website: www.ashenburg.com.
It’s been a real pleasure to be Regional Rep for GTA West for the
second time in ten years. In the past two years we’ve given birth to the
Local Heroes series and hosted 8 workshops, while experimenting with a
monthly e-newsletter using Mailchimp. The sky’s the limit when it comes to possibilities for
education and networking in the GTA. If the thought of being Regional Rep on your own seems too
daunting - consider teaming up with a co-rep.
Respectfully submitted by William Cooke (retiring GTA West Regional Rep)
Grey-Bruce Region - at the moment there is no Regional Rep.
Any suggestions for contacts in this area would be greatly appreciated!
Happy New Year from the Lighthouse Family! (Oakville)
We are proud to announce that our team is growing. Last fall, we welcomed two support staff members to our team.
Erica and Peggy are both former volunteer facilitators and are now our new Lead Group Coordinators. On January 3, 2013,
Candace Ray joined our team as our new Program Director. She comes to us with an array of experience and more
importantly, enthusiasm to become interwoven in the Lighthouse fibre. Please visit our website at
www.grievingchildrenlighthouse.org to meet our newest team members.
Our groups are also steadily growing. We have reached full capacity for our grief groups as well as our What About Me
(WAM) group. We are still conducting intakes, however we will have to place incoming families on a waiting list. We
anticipate that this waiting list will be temporary as we make plans to open a new group which will be held on a weekend in
the upcoming months.
Our volunteer pool continues to grow as well. We trained a group of 11 volunteer facilitators in the Fall of 2012 and were
able to place more than half of them into group. They were all eager to become active and we have been very pleased with
their work. If you know of anyone who is interested in becoming a Lighthouse Group Facilitator, please let them know that
our Spring 2013 training is tentatively scheduled to begin in February of 2013. Those interested should contact Candace Ray
at [email protected] or by phone at 905-337-2333.
Team Lighthouse (from left to right)
Erica Bostwick, Group Leader
Cara McGowan, Office Manager
Melissa Hedman-Baker, Clinical Director
Britta Martini-Miles, Executive Director
Peggy McGillicuddy, Group Leader
Candace Ray, Program Director
9
Halton-Hamilton Region
Hello to current BON members, and a warm welcome to our new members.
Well, we made it through the fall, one of the busiest times in our area of bereavement with resources,
events, memorials, holidays, support groups, and much more. As we settle into the New Year, it is a
time to reconnect with our networking opportunities in our region.
Bereavement services in the Hamilton/Halton region continue to be rich in resources. Please know
you are invaluable in reaching out and supporting all of us working in the area of grief and bereavement.
We encourage your updates of events to be included here. The invitation to share is ongoing, a perk
of your membership, please take advantage!
Friends in Grief (FIG)
Please visit the website for numerous support groups offered for loss specific bereavement. All groups are led by trained
facilitators, many who have experienced the same loss as specified in the group.
Contact - www.friendsingrief.ca or 905-318-0059
Support groups - monthly (open) & weekly (closed) for:
Spousal Loss
Adult Loss (death of a parent, adult child, relative, close friend, co-worker, other)
Loss due to Suicide
Loss due to Cancer
Bereavement specific to Men
Volunteer Group Facilitator Training - for all bereavement services offered throughout the year
1:1 support, group facilitation, FIG orientation
Next training begins February 7th, weekly, for 10 weeks
FIG’s social activities - continue to be a great opportunity for our volunteers and group members to have fun in a relaxed
atmosphere of like minded people. There are many options, please visit the website.
There are many other agencies in this area working hard at servicing the bereaved. Hospices, Funeral Homes, Palliative Care
providers, private counselors - we would love to add your updates and events to our newsletter.
Together we grow, together we communicate, together we passionately support our field of work.
Respectfully submitted, Bev Wilson
Halton-Hamilton Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
Huron-Perth Region
When A Tragedy Strikes A Community – The Role of the Bereavement Counselor
Recently our community experienced a number of traumatic events and the key to exceptional care was planning.
Our community has worked hard at forming relationships and developing responses to a community traumatic event. We all
know that at a time of loss people are often “frozen” in their feelings. This goes for communities also. Our response needs to
be organized, planned and sensitive. BON members need to make connections to our schools and municipal councils in order
to provide this compassionate care.
Bereavement Ontario Network’s members can play a vital role at a time of a tragic event. The first step is to get involved
with your local schools and community agencies to plan in the event that a crisis happens in your community. Most school
boards have a Tragic Events Response Team and often the local school will have its own team. It is helpful to volunteer to be
a part of that team in order for the principal and teachers to get familiar with your skills and approach. It is important that the
principal have your home or cell number. If a tragic event happens during the weekend there will be a need to have a planning
meeting before the students get to school.
It is also important to contact your municipal council. They often have little experience in dealing with tragic events and do
not have a tragic events committee structure in place. Partner with your local Ministerial Association to approach the council
for a plan to help in case of a community traumatic event. Other groups can also benefit from creating tragic events teams
such as long term care facilities, Community Living organizations, minor sports organizations and the list
could go on. The important point is that BON members need to be proactive in setting up these teams
and work in partnership with local community services.
Respectfully submitted,
Eugene Dufour, Huron-Perth Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
10
Kitchener-Waterloo Region
Welcome to 2013!
I would like to welcome Maureen Trask as our newest member to the Kitchener-Waterloo Region. She brings to our
network her passion on ambiguous loss. Maureen has submitted an article for this newsletter (see page 16) that I encourage
you all to read.
I believe that most of us can appreciate how fragile and how special life truly is. We know how it can change so quickly and so
dramatically. Many of us try to live a life where we don’t sweat the small stuff, where we love stronger, where we appreciate
the little things…..we try to do better. I can say that about myself anyway.
This new year has brought a tragedy to a dear friend of mine. In a split second, a freak accident has left someone special to
her a quadriplegic. It is a truly unbelievable event with catastrophic consequences. The grief journey that they have been
thrown into is beyond belief. I send them all my strength and support.
I urge all of you to embrace life, say “I love you” to everyone and be safe. We just don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
I wish all of you a year filled with laughter, smiles and many, many hugs! Marny
Respectfully submitted, Marny Williams-Balodis and Beth Bailey
Kitchener-Waterloo Regional Co Representatives
Email: [email protected] (Marny) and [email protected] (Beth)
London-St. Thomas Region
From St. Thomas ~ I have noticed an increase in calls after the Holiday Season which reinforces the need for people to be
able to connect with grief and loss resources everywhere.
Serenity House Hospice
“Kid’s Grief Support Group” in St. Thomas started January 8th for ages 5-12, 2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month from January
to April, time 4 - 5:30. Contact Lynn at Serenity House Hospice 519-637-3034 or [email protected] for more
details. The timing may not be good for this newsletter but the awareness of the resource is important.
Healing a Heart’s Loss ~ www.healingaheartsloss ~ [email protected]
A reminder about the different monthly workshops offered this year, with more to come:
Coping with Grief (level 1)
Life after Loss (level 2)
To Live, Laugh & Love Again (level 3)
What Goes Bump in the Night “Spirits?”
Coping with Divorce & Separation
Life after Divorce & Separation
More workshop details available at http://healingaheartsloss.com/event-calendar/
Barb’s Recommended Reading ~ A Breath Away written by Lynda Matthews
This book is a journey of hope after a death loss of a spouse which brought smiles, tears and a remembrance for me. You
don’t have to have experienced the death of a spouse to appreciate and be inspired by Lynda’s journey. The spiritual or spirit
component related through Lynda’s experiences serve as a reminder and a confirmation of the experiences many people have,
but feel apprehensive about mentioning. Lynda’s book is written from the heart and expresses her frustration, disbelief and
finally acceptance of what is actually occurring.
Respectfully submitted, Mary Lee Felder & Barb Saunders
London-St. Thomas Regional Co Representatives
Email: [email protected] (London)
Email: [email protected] (St. Thomas)
11
Greetings to everyone in BON from the Near North Region of Bereavement Ontario Network.
And special greetings to our newest members: Rev. Lois Brown of the Port Loring United Church Pastoral Charge and the
staff of Martyn Funeral Home in North Bay ~ Jody, Ian, Kirk, Mac, Amy and Michelle.
This past November over 125 people gathered at the Best Western in North Bay to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the
Near North Palliative Care Network and to honour its founder, Joan Burnett. The NNPCN has provided trained volunteers
to offer respite care in the homes of individuals who are palliative. Near North Palliative Care Network has also been the
primary provider of grief support and education to the North Bay area. I was pleased to be there as a founding Board
Member as well as to provide a slide show retrospective of the organization and facilitate the tribute to Joan.
In the first week of December the Paul Funeral Home presented one Holidays and Grief seminar and the NNPCN provided
one each in North Bay and Mattawa. This was the 25th year for these presentations that Joan Burnett and I began.
Last year’s BON conference was great from what little I attended, having been called home early to attend to two "industrial
accident" type deaths and funerals. I felt bereaved or ripped off having to miss all the great programming, networking and
renewing old acquaintances as well making new friendships and connections that always happens at every BON conference.
I was glad that I could attend Brenda Marshall’s pre-conference presentation related to PTSD because the information was
immediately applicable in my work.
I look forward to learning more about another great BON conference this year.
In the meantime, Near North members send me your news, don't be shy, tell us what you have been
up to. I look forward to hearing from you.
Respectfully submitted, Richard Paul
Near North Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
Near North Region
Niagara-Haldimand-Norfolk Region
The Niagara Bereavement Resource Council meets four times a year for the purpose of networking and sharing. The
Council brings together a richly diverse group of individuals, organizations and service groups whose focus is to provide
bereavement care in the Niagara area. 2013 meeting dates are February 19, May 7, September 17 and November 19. Please
note that meetings have moved from Wednesdays to Tuesdays. These are lunch meetings, noon until 1:30 pm, and are held at
Hospice Niagara, Ontario Street, St. Catharines. Anyone who would like more information on BRCN may contact
coordinator Emily Vaughan @ 905-680-6400/email [email protected] or chair Janet Devine @
[email protected]. BRC Niagara is a longtime member of BON and encourages all BRCN members to
join the BON family. Please visit our website at www.brcniagararegion.org.
2013 Save The Date! - BRC Niagara’s Annual Bereavement Education Day will be
held on Friday, April 12, 2013 at the Holiday Inn & Suites Parkway Convention Centre, St.
Catharines. BRCN is very pleased to be welcoming back Eugene Dufour for a full day of
workshops: Embracing the End of Life; Dying Well, Caring Well, Grieving Well.
Eugene last presented for BRCN in 1999 so we are delighted that he will once again be
coming to the Niagara Region.
The registration form is available on the BRCN website or you can email Janet for the form.
Other items of interest in the Niagara area:
Morse & Son Funeral Home (Niagara Falls) and Morgan Funeral Home (Niagara on the Lake).
For specific dates, times and location of bereavement support groups and workshops please contact Marny Atkinson toll free
at 1-877-356-3550 or email [email protected] or check out their website at www.morseandson.com or
www.morganfuneral.com. Support groups include; spousal loss, young spousal loss, loss of a child, adult loss of a parent
and next steps.
2014 Save The Date! - Morse & Son Funeral Home and Morgan Funeral Home are pleased to sponsor
Dr. Alan Wolfelt for two seminars, April 28th evening, 2014, for the general public, speaking on the “Journey of Grief”
and April 29th morning, 2014, for Caregiving Professionals. Stay tuned for more details.
Cont’d on next page
12
North West Region - at the moment there is no Regional Rep.
Any suggestions for contacts in this area would be greatly appreciated!
Ottawa Capital Region
BON would like to take this opportunity to welcome two new Co Reps for the Ottawa Capital Region.
Margaret Burnside and Linda Robillard
Margaret Burnside has for the past 5 years been employed by Kelly Funeral Home by Arbor Memorial, Ottawa, Ontario as
the Coordinator of Aftercare and Lifestyle programs. In her role as Aftercare Coordinator Margaret assists families with
notifying the government to cancel the deceased entitlements, apply to pension programs and provides estate settlement
information. In the role of Lifestyle Coordinator Margaret represents the funeral home at community events and coordinates
events which promote the 6 Ottawa funeral homes, the on-site visitation centre and cemetery property.
Linda Robillard has been employed by Kelly Funeral Home – Barrhaven Chapel for the past 9 years in the role of Funeral
Director’s Assistant. Her duties include assisting the Funeral Director in funeral related duties under the supervision of the
Director. Linda also assists in the coordination of bereavement events for the community.
In 2008 Margaret and Linda were trained as bereavement facilitators by Dr. Bill Webster.
Margaret and Linda have expanded the Ottawa bereavement services to include 8 week
peer-to-peer bereavement sessions, Men’s Only Bereavement Group, bereavement
library, grief labyrinth walks and summertime grief walks.
Kelly Funeral Homes are part of the Arbor Memorial Inc. family which has 7 locations in Ottawa
and 70 locations throughout Ontario.
Margaret and Linda look forward to connecting and networking with all Ottawa members.
Linda & Margaret
Ottawa Capital Region Co Representatives
Email: [email protected] (Margaret) and [email protected] (Linda)
Hospice Niagara, St. Catharines ~ visit their website at www.hospiceniagara.ca for info on their winter/spring
bereavement support groups or contact Melissa Penner, Bereavement Advisor at [email protected] or
905-984-8766 ext 233.
Daval Hospice, Niagara Falls ~ to learn more about Daval Hospice please visit their website at www.davalhospice.ca
where you can learn more about their unique and innovative programs that are currently underway or on the drawing board.
You can also sign up for their e-newsletter. Email Daval Hospice “Niagara Falls Own Community Hospice” at
Congratulations to BRCN and BON member Nancy Riou who was one of fourteen chosen in this region to receive the
Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee Medal, which recognizes longstanding commitment to the community. Nancy was
recognized for her lifetime dedication to the field of palliative care.
I would like to extend my thanks to all those dedicated regional members who continue to support BON and I would like to
welcome some new members as well; Cheryl Bailey, Rebecca Daum, Joan Graham, Thia Harrison, Jo-Anne Smith and
Six Nations Long Term Care/Home Community Care. Welcome one and all!
One of our new regional members, Thia Harrison, was the recipient of the 2012 BON
Jack Morgan Scholarship. Thia is volunteering tirelessly in the Haldimand Norfolk part
of our region to increase resources and services. We look forward to further reports.
Thia has also recently submitted her application to King’s.
Thia and I recently met up at the Coping Centre in
Cambridge for Alan Wolfelt’s Suicide Awareness Training.
Respectfully submitted, Janet Devine
Niagara Haldimand Norfolk Regional Representative
Janet & Thia at Coping Centre Email: [email protected]
13
Hello members!
I invite you to join us for a local event: "Grief in the Workplace" with Dr. Brenda Marshall. In this
informative and interactive workshop, participants will learn key strategies for supporting and guiding
colleagues who are coping with loss. We’ll break-down myths, explore current research and discuss
practical strategies organizations can implement to support both the grieving individual and those
around them. Please visit the Events page at www.hospicekl.ca for more information.
All the best in the new year ahead! Respectfully submitted, Jill Sadler
Peterborough Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
Peterborough Region
Simcoe-York-Dufferin Region - at the moment there is no Regional Rep.
Any suggestions for contacts in this area would be greatly appreciated!
Sudbury-Sault Ste. Marie Region
City of Greater Sudbury:
The Sudbury Chapter of the Compassionate Friends of Canada, a peer support group for bereaved parents,
grandparents and siblings, continues to meet on the last Wednesday of each month from 7 - 9 pm at the Lionel Lalonde
Centre in Azilda. In December, 2012, they held a candlelight ceremony in Espanola. It was a beautiful snowy night and all
those attended the ceremony in the park. Candles were lit in memory of all attendees loved ones.
Info at www.tcfcanada.net or 705-848-5864 (Linda Harrison).
The Bereavement Foundation of Sudbury offers groups throughout the year, and offers an educational session on the
second Tuesday of the month at the Margaret Lougheed Centre. Please contact them at 705-673-3182 for more info.
For Early Pregnancy Loss Support please call 705-675-4705.
New Beginnings is a support group for those who are newly widowed, separated or divorced. Please call 705-560-7257.
Widowed Help Each Other can be contacted at 705-524-9270.
Memorial Services: Memorial Services, open to anyone, are provided by Warmhearts Palliative Caregivers on a
quarterly basis. Please contact Madeleine Sauve at 705-677-0077 ext 224.
Elliott Lake
For bereavement services in the Elliott Lake region, please contact the Elliott Lake Palliative Care Program, 70 Spine Road,
Elliott Lake, ON, 705-848-7182, ext 2235.
Sault Ste. Marie
The Bereavement Group of Sault Ste. Marie offers support for people and families who have lost loved ones. They offer
a small library, a newsletter, workshops and a children’s support group in addition to regular meetings. For more information
about meetings or upcoming events, write c/o PO Box 22003, Sault Ste. Marie, ON P6B 6H4. Visit their website about
bereavement, especially for those who have lost children or young people.
A Bereavement Group for Parents who have Lost Children meets every 3rd Monday at 7:00 pm in the Holiday Inn,
Sault Ste. Marie. For more information, call Giselle at 705-759-1294.
VON Algoma Bereavement Support Groups - for any adult dealing with the death of a loved one. All services are free
of charge and confidential. Call the VON office to speak with Bereavement Services staff. An application will be sent to you
and an intake interview will be arranged for you. Appropriate referral will follow. VON Canada - Algoma Branch site, 860
Great Northern Road, 1st floor (former location of F.J. Davey Home); 705-942-8200 ext 205 or email
Respectfully submitted, Betty Ann McPherson
Sudbury-Sault Ste. Marie Regional Representative
Email: [email protected]
14
From Audrey in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories
Happy New Year to you all. As those who were at the conference are aware I have taken a
sabbatical from nursing from September 1, 2012 to September 1, 2013. I am currently staying around
home and looking after my mother Eva (88) and my father Eric (82). I reside with them and help out
with the running of the B&B they started 30 years ago. There are a number of things I’m thankful to
BON members for, including the wisdom you have shared that I am able to pass along to guests over
the breakfast table when they mention losses. Also, when my mother wrote her Christmas cards
this past year she went through her address book and found that 46 people with whom she used to
correspond have died. Her sister-in-law died on the 27th of December. Eva mentioned that she had
really never gone through the process of grieving in her life because she was too busy to think about
it. It is interesting now that I am in a position to companion her through her process.
For this I thank you all for your wisdom and teaching, Audrey
From Lawrence in Edmonton, Alberta
Happy New Year to all from Alberta! I have to say how much I appreciated and enjoyed networking
at the conference. Though I stepped out early to see my sick mother-in-law, I found the whole event
helpful and rewarding. But if there is one thing that impacted me the most, it was the workshop I was
involved in where we had to identify 16 things important to us, and then, envisioning being stricken
with a terminal illness slowly having to let go of the things we had identified as precious to us.
Though that was hard, the hardest part was when someone else took one of our two remaining
items! WOW!! I found that so moving and such a learning experience with regard to how those we
serve must feel as they journey and lose parts of themselves as they approach death. Very rewarding
exercise for me anyway.
Take care and I look forward to more events! Blessings, EPS Chaplain Lawrence Peck
From Kit in Montreal, Quebec
The next Grief Edu-Therapy program in Montreal begins Thursday, March 7th. This eight week
program is recognized as one of the most effective modules in dealing with pain caused by loss.
These losses can be loss of health, jobs, retirement, moving from one town to another in addition
to the loss of someone dear to us.
Edu-Therapy focuses on a heart-helpful grief resolution approach to dealing with the pain caused by
any significant emotional loss. The result gives the participant tools to deal with past losses and
future. For information please contact Kit Racette, 514-968-0927 or [email protected].
You can also check out her website at http://amindfulmoment.com/grieve-into-ease/
This program is offered both in group settings and individually. Thanks, Kit
Out of Province Members
Educational Seminars for Bereavement Workers
With Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D. ~ Author, Educator, Grief Counselor
Sponsored by COPING Centre
1740 Blair Road, Cambridge ON N3H 4R8
Phone: 519-650-0852 or 1-877-554-4498
Email: [email protected] ~ Website: www.copingcentre.com
November 26 - 28, 2013 - Comprehensive Bereavement Skills Training
Space is limited for these educational workshops ~ Deposit required ~ Please register early to avoid disappointment
Alberta
Alan Wolfelt in Ottawa, May 14, 2013
“Understanding Your Grief” ~ Bells Corner United Church, $25.00, 7 - 9 pm
For more info contact ~ [email protected] or [email protected]
15
Message from the 2013 Conference Chair Mark your calendars - the dates for our 2013 Conference are: October 16th - 18th!
WE...I...need your help The conference is a big task, but one that can be made lighter the more people who are involved.
Below is a listing of jobs, with a brief description of their duties that we need to have filled. If any of these are of interest to
you, please email me and we can talk further. I hate to grovel...but I will. Marny
WE NEED YOUR HELP! Marny, Janet, Betty Ann, Eugene, Fran and Susan
Contact Marny, [email protected]
2013 BON Conference
Conference Co Chair ~ Overseas all aspects of the conference and works with the chair
Conference Workshop Development ~ Determines plenary and workshop speakers
Promotion ~ Develops promotional and marketing material
Sponsorship ~ Works to find sponsorship to offset expenses
Scholarship ~ Reviews all applications submitted and determines recipient
Conference Folders ~ Prepares conference folders for each attendee
Silent Auction/50-50 draw ~ Seeks donations and sets up and runs silent auction and 50/50 draw
ARTS Room ~ Reviews all submissions and designs the layout for the ARTS room
Evaluation Process ~ Reviews and redesigns evaluation process
Canadian Virtual Hospice/Portails Canadien en Soins Palliatifs
The Exchange - A Virtual Place for Sharing Knowledge
Remember the inspired ideas from the BON conference that you took home to integrate into your practice?
Don’t you wish you could access new approaches being used by your colleagues across the country and find
ways to improve your practice on an ongoing basis? You can through The Exchange on Canadian Virtual
Hospice.
On The Exchange, bereavement and palliative care professionals share their leading edge information, such as summaries of
new research, opinions about current issues, workplace learnings, and best practices in brief articles and conference posters.
Here is a small sample of articles you can find on The Exchange:
Holiday Sorrows and Precious Gifts by Thomas Attig, Ph.D.
Spiritual Care: Learning at a hospice for children by Eric Stephanson, BA, MDiv
Mindfulness and Reflective Practice: Enriching Personal and Professional Growth by Michelle O’Rourke, RN, MA
All contributions are assessed by a national peer review committee which is made up of experts from across Canada. The
Canadian Institute of Health Research has endorsed The Exchange as a knowledge translation activity for grant applications.
Do you have insightful research or innovative practice approaches that can be translated into action to help others?
Consider becoming an Exchange contributor. Help us build a repository of bereavement related articles.
Find out how you can submit a summary of your work by visiting www.virtualhospice.ca - then choose the For
Professionals tab and click The Exchange.
Canadian Virtual Hospice is an award-winning not-for-profit organization funded by the Canadian Partnership Against Cancer and the
Winnipeg Regional Health Authority. Virtual Hospice is staffed by a multidisciplinary team of palliative care experts providing information
and support on life-limiting illness, loss and grief for patients, families and health care providers. The Canadian Health Libraries
Association has ranked Virtual Hospice as one of the best health websites in Canada.
BON is pleased to have Canadian Virtual Hospice as a regular contributor to the BONewsletter.
The website is easy to navigate and the many different features and services are worth taking the time to explore.
Visit www.virtualhospice.ca or www.portailpalliatif.ca
16
Ambiguous Loss - Seeking Your Help Submitted by: Maureen Trask, Waterloo, ON Contact: [email protected]
I’m reaching out for your help to identify resources that you are aware of regarding ambiguous
loss. It is my goal to broaden my network and gather a more comprehensive repository of
information, experts, and resources specific to ambiguous loss. My desire is driven by the tragic
awareness of how many families are struggling with this type of loss.
Why am I so vested in this? Our son Daniel, now 29, went missing on November 3, 2011. We had heard stories in the
news of others who were missing, but never thought it would ever happen to us. The heartache of having a missing loved
one is overwhelming as days turn into weeks, then months, then years. Each search or new lead sets us up for hopeful
answers, but also painful disappointments. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that is difficult to describe let alone, understand.
There is so much uncertainty.
Our family has experienced death of loved ones and the
grieving process associated with this type of loss. But, how
do you grieve someone who is missing? How do you grieve
when you don’t know if they are alive or dead? How do you
carry on with the demands of life, and at the same time deal
with the emotional turmoil? This is our reality. Naturally,
one will seek out support services to help cope, seek out
those who can help us deal with the uncertainty. That’s
exactly what I did.
When researching, I came upon a book titled, Ambiguous
Loss - Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief written by
Pauline Boss in 1999 (see Book Review page 17). After
reading it I realized that’s exactly what our family is going
through; it made sense, total sense. Having a son go missing
is so very different from a death. It’s a never ending
uncertainty. Boss’s book gave me a new level of
understanding and breath of hope, fueling my desire to help
other families struggling with this type of loss.
So, it was now my goal to get a local support group in place
for families with missing loved ones. I contacted counseling
agencies in our community and quickly learned there were
no individuals or groups that specialized in ambiguous loss.
How naïve of me! Knowing there are support groups for
people grieving death, I contacted our local Bereaved
Families of Ontario (BFO). They didn’t have a specific group
for ambiguous loss but did have a mixed loss group. I was
also invited to the Kitchener-Waterloo Bereavement
Breakfast Group and have been going ever since. BFO also suggested the Bereavement Ontario Network (BON) as an
excellent networking group to connect with for possible contacts and information regarding ambiguous loss. Great!
I contacted BON who mentioned that some questions about ambiguous loss were raised at their Fall Conference. This was
great news too, knowing there is at least conversation taking place, reinforcing that I was on the right track. I then enrolled
in and completed the BFO Facilitator Training to gain a better understanding of grief and how to facilitate groups dealing
grief and loss. The training confirmed that my grief was indeed different. It also helped me to realize that I needed to be
connected to BON, so now I am a member too. I could not have planned this; it just unfolded thanks to the help of others.
Nearly one year after Daniel went missing, a private counseling agency offered to facilitate a new monthly support group.
We have 9 participants representing 5 families with loved ones who are now missing for 1, 2, 3, 10 and 40 years. I felt so
fulfilled, finally we have a group started and progress is being made. I’ll be happy to share outcomes and future plans when
this group concludes in June 2013. I would envision a continuum of support by adding an ongoing peer support group for
those who have completed the 8 month session and look forward to this becoming a reality as well.
In closing, I appreciate all the support from BFO (Laura, Rose, Melissa) and BON (Marny, Susan, Bev) and look forward to
networking with others. With your help, we can gather information and resources to fill this gap and make a difference in
the lives of families with missing loved ones.
(To read more about Daniel’s case, see Reader’s Digest, January 2013, “Vanishing Point”, beg. on page 74)
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Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies
By T.J. Wray, New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003, 247 pp
Reviewed by: Fran King, BON Regional Representative
In 1986, my oldest sister, Diane, succumbed to the ravages of multiple sclerosis and died at the early age of 43. She left
behind her husband and 2 teenage children. It wasn’t until I read the book, Surviving the Death of a Sibling: Living
Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies that I realized how much my own grief at her loss had somehow
been unacknowledged and discounted by many. I bought this book initially as a resource to help a client but soon
discovered how incredibly meaningful it was for me personally. I certainly gained a lot of insight into my own grief situation
as well as my client’s.
“But how can I learn to live in a world that doesn’t include my brother? All my life, I’ve always been my brother’s sister, it’s
part of my identity, part of who I am. My brother is part of my past, we share a common history. And we had plans for the
future.” - T.J. Wray -
Surviving the Death of a Sibling; Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies
“If you or someone you love has experienced the death of an adult sibling, then buy this book. Wray is a captivating
storyteller who weaves stories of herself and many other sibling grievers to bring clarity and understanding to the complex
process of sibling grief. Insightful, consoling, and filled with helpful, proactive steps designed to help surviving siblings cope
with their devastating loss, Surviving the Death of a Sibling is a “must read” for every surviving sibling.” - Tom Golden -
Author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing and creator of webhealing.com.
Additional Reviews by Readers:
“No magical cure for the unbelievable pain caused by losing a sibling, but recognition. And understanding. A feeling of not
being totally alone. Hopefully will help those who are left behind in those dark, dark moments.”
“I appreciated the experiences of the other surviving siblings whose stories are woven into this book. The author also
shared her pain and her road back, and thus gives hope that there is a road back for the rest of us who have also lost a
deeply loved brother or sister. Each chapter ends with a “What Helps” section containing many straightforward and
practical suggestions for coping with grief. There is also a good resource section at the end of the book.”
When T.J. Wray lost her 43 year old brother, her grief was deep and enduring and, she soon discovered,
not fully acknowledged. Despite the longevity of sibling relationships, surviving siblings are often made
to feel as if their grief is somehow unwarranted. After all, when an adult sibling dies, he or she often
leaves behind parents, a spouse, and even children - all of whom suffer a more socially recognized type
of loss. Based on the author’s own experiences, as well as those of many others, Surviving the Death
of a Sibling helps adults who have lost a brother or sister to realize that they are not alone in their
struggles.
In Surviving the Death of a Sibling, T.J. Wray discusses:
~ Searching for and finding meaning in your sibling’s death
~ Using a grief journal to record your emotions
~ Choosing a grief partner to help you through tough times
~ Dealing with insensitive remarks made by others
Warm and personal, and a rich resource of useful insights and coping strategies, Surviving the Death of a Sibling is a useful
and informative addition to your bereavement library.
For online grief support, visit T.J. Wray’s Adult Sibling Grief Website at: wwwadultsiblinggrief.com
Book Reviews Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief
By Pauline Boss, Harvard University Press, 1999
Reviewed by: Maureen Trask, BON member
Pauline Boss brings a breath of hope to families who are struggling with the tragic reality of having a
missing loved one. She explains that what we are experiencing is considered unresolved grief and that
the strategies to cope are very different from those when loss is a physical death.
Death is a permanent loss. Ambiguous loss is uncertain loss, which is described as the most devastating
loss. Without physical evidence, emotions go up and down and the stress carries on. This book is a
‘must read’ for anyone trying to cope with the uncertainty surrounding this kind of loss.
Link: http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674003811
18
By Jacob Scheier
“Grief turns out to be the place none of us know until we reach it,” says Joan Didion in her memoir of loss and recovery,
The Year of Magical Thinking. I can think of few emotionally truer statements, and I say this from personal experience -
my mother died of breast cancer twelve years ago. I was prepared for the grief from that loss as much as one could be
mentally prepared to be abducted by aliens. Everything about the experience to me was alien; a sadness that makes the
word ‘sadness’ seem at best, a parody of the actual feeling. Most of all I felt like an alien to myself; whoever I was before my
mother died was now, in many ways, a stranger to me. When I joined a support group for bereaved young adults at
Bereaved Families of Ontario, in Toronto, I was relieved to find out that this strangeness was not unique to me; many other
people in my support group expressed something similar. And during this time I wrote. I wrote my feelings about my loss
in a diary; in several diaries and this was certainly, along with the support of my bereaved peers, part of my healing process.
But I wouldn’t call the writing I did then, art. Or to use other terms, ‘creative writing’ or ‘literature’. So what makes writing
about grief ‘creative’ or literary’? I tend to take up the first hour of a course I teach on writing creatively about grief on this
very question, so I can only sketch the answer here.
I think the best way to think about it is that the author, who writes on personal grief experience, enters into an unspoken
agreement with the reader. The author promises the reader that she or he has not only been through the experience, but
has gone through much digging, much wrestling with the self - - has faced uncomfortable truths about oneself and, even,
about the lost loved one, has dug and dug to the depth of her or his grief experience, and has emerged with some hard
fought, genuine insight.
The literature of grief then is not so different from the literature of travel. The author of both has to convince us they have
been on the journey and returned with something valuable to say - to us - maybe especially those of us who have never
been there, about what the place is like. For example, Didion so painstakingly details her travels, her struggles with loss or
as she calls it “magical thinking;” believing, for example, that if she does not give away her husband’s shoes he will come back
to claim them - that she earns my trust to speak with authority on, in her words, “the difference between grief as we
imagine it and grief as it is.”
Of course, one cannot write with authority about a place on first arrival. This is as true with travel as with grief. But those
first recorded observations are necessary towards getting to that place of authority or authorship, I believe.
I can’t speak for Didion’s process, but for myself, all the journal/diary writing I did in those early days, became the raw
material for the ‘creative’ writing I would do later, when I had enough literal and emotional distance to begin thinking about
what the experience of grief had taught me and how I could articulate those insights to others through the use of craft, such
as imagery, figurative language and attentiveness to the rhythm of language.
Like grief itself, the writing of grief is a process or journey. Those who write about their grief in a raw diary form and are
interested in having those experiences speak to others, possibly even be purchased by others, are half way there. Diary or
journal writing tells what happened and how it felt, but does not yet tell us what the story is; the insight the readers can take
into their lives; that can either enrich their experience of grief or educate those who as yet can only imagine it. Like grieving
itself, it’s hard work. But to quote the poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, “almost everything that matters is difficult.”
Jacob Scheier is the winner of the 2008 Governor General’s Award for poetry and his poems, essays
and articles have been published across North America. His second full length collection of poems,
Letters from Brooklyn is being published with ECW Press in Spring 2013. He is also a volunteer peer
facilitator with Bereaved Families of Ontario.
Up until recently Jacob taught the course Writing Creatively About Grief
through Ryerson University’s Continuing School of Education, but is now
offering a similar grief writing workshop course independently at The Centre
for Social Innovation, Regent Park (third floor of the new Daniels Spectrum at
585 Dundas Street). The 10 week long course runs Wednesday evenings from
7 - 9 pm, starting February 13, 2013 (with the week of March 13th off).
The cost is $200.00.
Contact Jacob at [email protected] to register.
To learn more about Jacob and his grief writing course go to jacobscheier.org, contact him at
[email protected], and join the Writing about Grief face book page:
www.facebook.com/groups/griefwriting
Writing about Grief: The Art Part
19
REBIRTH, is a 90 minute documentary chronicling the lives of five people directly affected by the events of 9/11.
The director, Jim Whitaker, uses a combination of interviews, time lapse photography of the changing 9/11 site, and
footage from yearly memorial events, to take audiences on an intimate 10 year journey with each survivor. We
first meet Tanya, Nick, Tim, Brian and Ling in the early days post 9/11. Ling, is one of the few survivors from the
South Tower and is dealing with severe injuries. Each year, thereafter, we check in with them and see, hear and
feel how their stories of loss evolve and change. There are incredible highs and lows, unexpected twists, and
developments that are riveting. Consistently, audience members are surprised at what transpires over time.
I use the film in workshops, primarily with those from the helping professions.
It’s a terrific tool for illustrating many bereavement related concepts we often only
read about. A recent attendee said, “I’ve only read about “continuing bonds”. Now
I see what it means.” Similarly, I’ve used it in discussion about survivor guilt,
traumatic loss, post traumatic growth, normal responses to grief, family system
theories, etc. Each of the featured survivors, offers a different lens on grief and loss
and audiences connect with them easily. In our professional lives, often we only
meet people in the early days of their grief. This film is a reminder of how lives
continue to move and change often in unexpected ways and an excellent way to
reinforce the uniqueness of every grief experience.
To learn more about REBIRTH, Project Rebirth, and organize a community
screening, please contact the organization directly at www.projectrebirth.org
This film premiered at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival and has received the Peabody Award.
You may purchase this DVD at both Oscilloscope’s and Amazon’s website.
Editor’s Note
You may also purchase Dr. Robin Stern and Courtney E. Martin’s book
Project Rebirth:
Survival and the Strength of the Human Spirit from 9/11 Survivors
“This book explores the intricacies of spiritual, psychological and emotional
transformations of the grieving process and shows readers that people have a deep
capacity for resilience and rebuilding. Eight stories are shared, including four not
seen in the documentary Rebirth, and each offers an intimate portrayal of grief, loss
and recovery. Their process and journeys are unique: their roots are universal.”
Project Rebirth the book is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Indie Bound.
Movies that Move Us by Dr. Brenda Marshall, Ph.D., CT
Pictured left to right - Tanya, Tim, Ling, Brian and Nick
20
Hello and Happy New Year! On New Year’s Eve morning I woke up slowly,
poured myself a cup of coffee, and proceeded to catch up on some work and mail
in my home office. I was alerted to the fact that there were two deer frolicking in
the snow in my backyard, just outside my home office window. It became apparent
to me that it was a buck and doe doing a beautiful dance - a mating ritual of sorts.
I was able, after getting my three dogs barricaded into the front of the house, to
sneak out my back door and not only witness this sacred rite, but also to snap
some truly stunning photos.
I am truly lucky to be alive and to enjoy the miracle of nature that transforms and
evolves around me. Last week it was otters playing across the river and eating fish
while resting on an ice-flow, and immediately thereafter a pair of bald eagles
seemingly enjoying their view of the otters below from their treetop vantage point.
What does this all mean on the cusp of a new year? As a psychotherapist, and a
self-appointed philosopher, I am always striving to find meaning in all that motivates
me and causes me to act in a certain way; as well, I tend to try and derive meaning
from the earth and nature around me. Later, as I was walking the dogs and
pondering, I was abruptly mentally struck by the word: TRANSITIONS.
I moved up to this majestic north from southern Ontario approximately 5 1/2 years ago. When I moved up here both
“southerners and northerners” continually asked me: “Why did you move here?” My immediate reaction, of course, was “why
not?” Does that seem strange? (Okay, I admit it was love.) However, a by-product of moving up here has elevated my
connection with my life-long love for nature. Change, though difficult, comes a little easier for me though, as I am one of those
who embrace it (probably because my parent’s abhor change). And I am NOT one, due to significant events in my own life, to
postpone living the life that I want to live. Life is too short!!!
Does that make me impulsive? Perhaps. But it is what I would term “measured” impulsiveness.
You are probably all survivors, in one way or another, of a significant life-changing loss or events in your life. The reason to
seek out support of friends and family, or counseling, or psychotherapy, is often an attempt to deal with and/or derive meaning
for the trials that seem to disrupt the course of our lives - either a situational event and/or an emotional event, and possibly
thereafter to realize positive change from that situation or situations. There is a psyche-itch that cause us to scratch the
surface and attend to the underlying cause, and thereafter (hopefully) attend to the amelioration of that uncomfortable
itch/ache. Often in altering that psyche-ache, one makes some decisions around “changing things up”.
What we do with that discomfort is as individual as the uniqueness of our own being. Some of us make a concerted effort to
modify our way of thinking; others may make substantial changes to the balance in their life (e.g. diet, exercise, volunteering,
friendships); and others in the process, also choose to radically amend the course of their lives (e.g. starting a new career,
moving away, divorcing, remarrying, etc.).
Transitions, therefore, represent the changes that occur across the spectrum of our life. Sometimes we are forced to attend
to a significant incident due to circumstances beyond our control (abuse, sickness, death) and this event influences us to
“transform” or shift in an effort to psychologically deal with the discomfort of the occurrence. Whether that pattern of
change for us is seemingly healthy for us at the time is always up for interpretation. However, regardless of how we are
modified by that event, how we choose to deal with it now (days, months, or years later) is UP TO US. Wow, now that IS
empowering.
Insight, courage, and support, assist to make that transition (via conscious choice and sometimes “measured impulsiveness”)
and will aid in transcending crisis, with the goal that tomorrow may bring us a little more peace…
And heck, if that doesn’t work...we can always try something else. There is no end to how we can seek to improve our selves,
and in the process improve the quality of our lives, as well as the lives of those around us.
And so, I wish you PEACE, LOVE and a SAFE JOURNEY on your continued journey through life. May you find challenges,
strength, honour and sometimes delight, in the unpredictability of life!
Transitions … by Betty Ann McPherson, Vice Chair, BON
