25017356-Why-Men-Frighten-Women-and-Women-Shame-Men-and-How-It-Destroys-Relationships

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Why Men Frighten Women and Women Shame Menand How It Destroys Relationships

Read Jeds new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable

Male Syndrome on Scribdat: http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBookor get a hardcopy by going to http://www.menalive.com/mrmean.htm

Jed Diamond, Ph.D. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 44years. He is the author of 8 books, including Looking for Love in All the WrongPlaces, Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome. He offerscounseling to men, women, and couples in his office in California or by phonewith people throughout the U.S. and around the world. To receive a free E-bookon Mens Health and a free subscription to Jeds e-newsletter go towww.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help withrelationship issues, write [email protected]

The primary cause of relationship breakdown is emotional disconnection. Wedont grow apart because love dies. Love dies because we grow apart. Ivefound that the key reason this occurs is that men cause women to become afraidand women cause men to feel ashamed. This usually occurs without either theman or the woman knowing what is going on. Without understanding theFear/Shame dynamic, too many otherwise wonderful relationships die. But itdoesnt have to be that way.

How Unexpressed Fear and Shame Can Hurt a Relationship

My wife, left a note for me the other day. It said, Jed, you forgot to lock thedoor again when you want out the other day. Love, Carlin. I read the note, hada quick thought about trying to remember when else I forgot to lock the doorwhen I left, and quickly forgot the whole thing.

This morning, Carlin, asked me about the note. Why didnt you respond tothe note?

I dont know, I didnt think it needed a response, I said. I could feel mydiscomfort rising.

Well, usually when I leave you a note, you at least acknowledge it. Im upsetabout your leaving the door unlocked, but even more upset that you just ignoredmy note, she said.

I thought to myself, Damn, whats the big deal here? Whys she getting onmy case? but I bit my tongue and didnt say anything, though as usual I felt like Iwas being chastised by the school principal. These exchanges generally lead to
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an emotional chill that comes over our relationship and both of us end up feelinghurt and misunderstood.

But Carlin, continued, and said something that broke the ice and lead to agreater connection between us. Its really scary for me when I come home to

find the door open, she told me. I could hear the fear in her voice. I go aroundthe house wondering if there might be an intruder inside. Its really creepy.

As soon as Carlin talked about her fear, I was able to feel my shame.Protecting you and keeping you safe is one of the most important things in mylife, I thought. When I feel Ive let you down, I feel ashamed, I told her. Irealize the way I often handle shame is to block out the incident and erase it frommy mind. I really do understand your fear and will be sure to lock the doorsbefore I leave for the day.

For most of us, there are thousands of little hurts that over time can

undermine a relationship. Like me, most men are not aware of the ways in whichtheir behavior can frighten women. And most women are not aware of the thingsthey do that trigger shame in men. Its also true that women do things to frightenmen and men do things to shame women.

What Ive learned from working with clients for more than 40 years is that itsuseless to try and assign blame. Understanding the fear/shame cycle is the firststep towards changing it so that it doesnt destroy our most preciousrelationships.

Note: I talk about things men and women do in this paper. Please

remember that Im not talking about all men or all women. Im talking aboutgroups of men and women or tendencies that men and women have. We allrecognize the truth of the statement men are taller and stronger than women.Im more than aware that at five feet five inches tall, there are many women tallerthan me and Im sure more than a few are stronger. So, Im sure there are manywomen who will have a greater identification with what I say about men andmen who will feel more aligned with what I say about women.

What is Fear?

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survivalmechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or thethreat of danger. Some psychologists such Paul Ekman have suggested that fearis one of a small set of basic or innate emotions.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimulus_(physiology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Painhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologisthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Ekmanhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stimulus_(physiology)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Painhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologisthttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Ekmanhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion


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This set also includes such emotions as joy, sadness, and anger. Fear shouldbe distinguished from the related emotional state ofanxiety, which typicallyoccurs without any external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specificbehaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threatswhich are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable. Worth noting is thatfear almost always relates to future events, such as worsening of a situation, orcontinuation of a situation that is unacceptable.

What is Shame?

The dictionary defines Shame as follows:

1. The painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable,improper, ridiculous, etc. done by oneself or another.

2. A fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Actress-fear-and-panic.jpghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happinesshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadnesshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angerhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxietyhttp://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Actress-fear-and-panic.jpghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happinesshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadnesshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angerhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety


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But, unlike fear, shame is much more difficult for people to recognize andacknowledge. One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across

as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame inhumans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practiceof psychology, says psychotherapist Marc Miller. Shame is also avoided in the"real" world as well. In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As aresult shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself.

Silvan Tomkins describes the experience of shame clearly. If distress is theaffect of suffering, shame is the affect of indignity, transgression and ofalienation. Though terror speaks to life and death and distress makes of theworld a vale of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man.... shame isfelt as inner torment, a sickness of the soul....the humiliated one feels himself

naked, defeated, alienated, lacking in dignity and worth."

Why Women Are Vulnerable to Fear

Although both men and women can be moved by fear, women are morevulnerable to fear and react more strongly (Well see in a moment that men aremore vulnerable to shame). Research shows that baby girls, from the day theyare born, are more sensitive to isolation and lack of contact.
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This sensitivity evolved as an important survival mechanism to protectvulnerable females and keep them in contact with those who could keep themfrom harm. Think of a female in our evolutionary past who needed the protectionof the group in order to keep her alive and well, particularly when she had small

children who were dependent upon her.

A females primary need is to be cherished. From the moment of birth untilthe day she dies she needs to feel that special someone will protect and carefor her and no other. Whenever, this connection is threatened she feels anxietyand fear. Over the millennia, females developed a kind of internal GPS thatkeeps them aware of closeness and distance in all their relationships, sayPatricia Love and Steven Stosny, authors ofHow to Improve Your MarriageWithout Talking About It. When a woman feels close she can relax; when shefeels distant, she gets anxious.

Why Men Are Vulnerable to Shame

Although the human egg is microscopic, it is large enough to house 250,000sperm. Eggs weigh 85,000 times as much as sperm. Think how youd feel if youhad to merge with someone who was 85,000 times heavier than you? Now, thinkof the competition involved in mating. There are fifty million to five hundredmillion sperm per ejaculation. How would you feel competing against thosenumbers for the prized egg?

Since it is the female that carries the egg, males are the ones who have tocompete with each other in order to be chosen by the female. Sexual

competition is a replay of fertilization itself. Numerous males, like small,hyperactive sperm, compete among themselves for access to females.

Males often remember, with a great deal of shame, walking across a roomand asking the cute girl to dance, only to be turned down and having to walkback to his seat feeling that all eyes are on him and imagining people saying tothemselves, loser, loser, loser. This is the essence of male shame. We arealways in competition with other males to be chosen by a female who can triggerour feelings of insufficiency and inadequacy with a casual shake of her head.And our shame deepens as others witness our retreat.

Can you imagine how you would feel if you were forced to compete yourwhole life and had hundreds and hundreds of small and large rejections, many ofthem crushing? Women, of course, have their own issues to deal with, but see ifyou can let yourself feel the shame that haunts men.

Mens basic need is forrespect, just as womens basic need is to becherished. He needs to feel like a winner, that he can beat the competition and


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be the chosen one. From the time he is born until the day he dies, he isvulnerable to shame and loss of face.

Shame, says author Merle Fossum, is feeling alone in the pit ofunworthiness. Shame is not just a low reading on the thermometer of self

esteem. Shame is something like cancerit grows on its own momentum. Bothshame and guilt are ways in which people experience feeling bad. Yet the twoare quite different. Guiltinvolves feeling bad about what we do or fail to do.Shame is feeling bad about who we are, about our very being. The shame thatmen experience is a kind of soul murder, undermining the foundations of ourmasculine selves.

The powerful impact of shame on male irritability, anger, and violence iscaptured by James Gilligan, M.D. who has spent his professional career workingwith violent men. I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was notprovoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and

ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo this loss offaceno matter how severe the punishment, even if it includes death. Its nowonder men become angry, irritable, even violent, when they feel the impact ofshame.

How Men Unknowingly Frighten the Women They Love

When a woman tries to talk to her man about the ways he triggers fear in her,he is usually surprised. I never hit her, one man told me. I cant imagine whyshe could possibly be afraid of me. Here are a number of the ways that mencan, unknowingly, cause fear:

1. His size and strength

Men tend to be bigger and stronger than women. Many women have grownup around males who could threaten and intimidate them just through their sizeand strength. A woman may not even be aware of the fear that may be presentin her just being around a person who, if he chose to do so, could hurt her.

2. His voice

I often hear from women that when a man raises his voice, she feels fear. Hemay not even be aware that he is speaking any differently than normal. And hemay be right. The male voice is low and can be menacing, without him evenbeing aware of it. Like other male mammals, men are equipped to roar. Fromthe time we are little boys we compete with other males and demonstrate oursuperiority, partially, through the sound of our voices.

The angry male voice gets deeper, louder, and more menacing, saypsychologists Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, because it is designed to invoke


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fear of physical harm, whether he wants it to or not. Angry women can soundshrill or unpleasant, but rarely will their voices invoke fear of physical harm in agrown man.

It may not take much increase of volume or intensity for the male voice to

frighten a woman.

3. His eyes

When my wife and I would get into a fight, even a slight one, she would tellme I would get beady eyed. She said it frightened her more than anything Iwould say. For the longest time I had no idea what she was talking about. Iwould insist that my eyes didnt change. I was just looking at her, not doingsomething to frighten her with my eyes.

However, when I saw two boxers at the weigh-in getting ready for a fight, I

understood what she was talking about. I realized that each boxer was glaring atthe other, clearly trying to demonstrate his superiority and intimidate hisopponent.

Throughout our evolutionary history men have had to compete with othermen for resources, for women, for power and glory. We dont realize that whenwe turn that beady-eyed gaze on a woman, it will frighten her.

4. His anger

For most guys, anger is an emotion we know quite well. Many of us grew up

around angry men. We played at anger when we were kids, roughhousing withour buddies. I cant tell you how many times Ive heard a woman tell me, I canttalk to him without him getting angry. While the man responds, I wasnt angry--I was just talking. Clearly, men often dont realize the extent of their anger orhow it impacts the woman in their lives.

Most men have no idea how frightening, threatening, and terrorizing theiranger is to women, say Drs. Love and Stosny. Even when the anger is notdirected at the woman, it still has a frightening effect. And if he has a habit ofoverreacting and getting angry on a regular basis, she lives in a constant state offear and alertness.

5. His Jekyll & Hype changeability

One of the things that caused major problems with my wife and I was myrapid mood changes. Youre angry, accusing, argumentative and blaming onemoment, she would tell me. The next minute youre buying me flowers, cards,leaving loving notes with smiles and enthusiasm. I never know what to expectwith you. I was aware that I was easily triggered into anger, but I wasnt aware


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of how extreme it was. I was also aware that I tried to make things up to Carlinafter Id blasted her with my rage, but wasnt aware of how crazy-making thatwas for her.

Shed tell me my anger would make her close up like a clam to protect herself.

But even my gestures of love were difficult for her. I never know what to trustwith you. Just when I let my guard down and trust your love and kindness, youerupt again and I feel hurt even more.

I hear from many women who have had the same experience. Hes like aJekyll & Hyde personality, one woman told me. One minute hes loving andkind. The next minute he acts like he hates me. I walk on egg-shells all the timewith him. I never know which man Ill have to deal with.

Mens reactivity may, in fact, be inborn. A males hair-trigger propensity forhyper-arousal has a distinct survival advantage, say Love and Stosny. Due to

his greater strength and muscle mass, the male is better equipped than thefemale to fight off predators. Since the primary predators of early humansstalked and attacked stealthily, males needed to respond with fight-or-flightbehavior in a fraction of a second.

Unfortunately, too many men mistake their wives for a charging tiger. By thetime they calm down and realize they are not being attacked, they have yelled atthe woman they love the most.

6. His emotional withdrawal

We all thrive when we feel emotionally connected to our partner, but womenhave a special need for this connection. Most women have a terror of beingabandoned. This probably comes from her evolutionary past where a womanwas easy pray on the savannas of Africa without a man to protect her. Hisemotional presence reassured her that she was important to him and she couldcount on him for his protection and support.

No one leaves a long-term relationship without trying to fix the disconnectionthat is causing the unhappiness and pain. Although more women now leave theirmarriages than do men, when women leave, they most often tell me that he leftthe relationship before she did. He may have been there physically, butemotionally he had checked out long ago.

What makes marriage miserable for a woman is the isolation she feels whenher husband seems to leave the marriage emotionally. What neither realizes isthat his withdrawal is a response to his increasing feelings of shame. The onlyway he may know to protect himself from shame is to close down emotionally.Once again, his shame triggers her fear and the downward cycle can bring downeven the most secure marriage.


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How Women Unknowingly Shame the Men They Love

1. Her Size and Power

When told about the things that shame men, women are incredulous. As withmale strength and size, women have an inherent power that is so obvious no oneis aware of it. Think about this. All of us are born from the body of a woman, butonly men (in heterosexual relationships) have an intimate relationship with aperson who is the same sex as the mother.

All men have a body memory of being small, vulnerable, and totallydependent on a woman who is big, strong, and imposing. He may appear bigand strong as an adult, but inside he still feels small and vulnerable. He neverforgets that it was a woman who held his life in her hands, whose displeasuremight cause her to abandon him to his death. This creates an inherent sense of

shame that men feel when they are around women, but its a shame that neitherthe man nor the woman is conscious of him having.

2. Her siren call to return to the womb

Women also trigger mens desire to return to the safety, comfort, and warmthhe remembered as a childeven back to the memory of being in the womb. Iremember many times in my life feeling crushed by my battles in the world andwanting nothing more to return to the comfort and warmth of the womb. But thethought was so frightening and shameful, I immediately blocked in out.

If I could have allowed the thought to surface it might have been somethinglike this: Its so damn hard being a man in the world, always competing, alwaysfighting my way to the top, always struggling to make a living and supporting afamily. I just want to rest. I want to crawl up in my wifes arms and let her holdme. But if I ever let myself do that I know Id never want to leave. Id forfeit mymanhood, she would hate me, cast me out, and that would be the end of me.Ive got to erase that thought and never let it return.

Anthropologist David Gilmore has studied male/female relationships incultures throughout the world. He recognizes this male ambivalence as being atthe core of male/female conflict. In his book Misogyny: The Male Malady, he tellsas that male anger towards women comes from his tremendous need for her andhis shame at being needy.

There are, he tells us, unconscious wishes to return to infancy, longings tosuckle at the breast, to return to the womb, the powerful temptation to surrenderones masculine autonomy to the omnipotent mother of childhood fantasy. Menlong for the connection they had, or wished for, as children but are deeplyashamed of that need.


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3. Her power to choose or reject

Men never forget that they must be chosen by a woman. They must competewith other men and constantly be trying to get the woman he wants to want him.

We all remember the terror of walking across the dance floor and asking thewoman we want to dance. She could light up our life with a yes or crush uswith rejection. If we won the prized woman, our battle wasnt over. We had toplease her and continue to please her or we might lose her to another.

Social psychologist Sam Keen captures the male longing for, and terror of,women in his book Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man. If the text of my life wassuccessful, independent man, the subtext was engulfed by WOMAN.

Keen goes on to describe the ways in which the archetypal WOMAN (andhence all real-life women to a significant degree) rule our lives. The secret men

seldom tell, and often do not know (consciously) is the extent to which our livescircle around our relationships to WOMANShe is the audience before whomthe dramas of our lives are played out. She is the judge who pronounces usguilty or innocent. She is the Garden of Eden from which we are exiled and theparadise for which our bodies long. She is the goddess who can grant ussalvation and the frigid mother who denies us.

4. Her cutting words

Often women assume that men are tough and her words wont hurt him. Inpart this is a result of our inaccurate gender assumptions. Many believe that

women are more delicate and easily hurt and men are stronger and can takemore punishment. The truth is that men are very vulnerable to womens words.He is likely to cover his pain because he feels ashamed to admit that what shesaid may have cut him to the core.

Patricia Love and Steven Stosny remind us that Words hurt. Words destroy.Words can kill a relationship. In their book, How to Improve Your MarriageWithout Talking About It, they detail some of the most common things thatwomen say that trigger shame in a man including:

Correcting what he says, It was last Wednesday, not Thursday.

Giving unsolicited advice: If you would just make the call youll feelbetter.

Implying inadequacy: I wish you had been at that workshop with me ( notbecause he would have enjoyed it but because it would have correctedsome of his flaws).

Focusing on what I didnt get, not what I did: It would have been better ifyoud said Im sorry to begin with.

Using a harsh tone: Im so tired of this!


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Condescending: You did an okay job picking out your shirt.

Belittling his work: Just what is it you do all day?

Making you statements: You make me so mad I cant think straight.

Expecting him to make me happy: If we just did more fun thingstogether

As with fear triggers in men, women often arent aware of the things they saythat trigger shame in a man. Women are generally much more facile with wordsthan men and are more used to verbal jousting. They often wound withoutmeaning to because they arent aware of the power of their words.

5. Her emotional demands

Women often tell me that they want their man to talk more. By that theyusually mean to talk more on a feeling level. But for most men emotionalexpression is like a foreign language to them. When you ask a man to tell you

how he feels, he usually has a shame attack and freezes up. Often he isnt intouch with his emotions and even when he is, he is unlikely to have the words toexpress what is going on inside. Many women conclude that her man justdoesnt feel much.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Men are actually very emotional. Infact, studies show that men are often overwhelmed by their emotions. JohnGottman, Ph.D. is one of the most heralded relationship researchers in the world.He found that men close down and refuse to respond emotionally, a reaction hecalls stonewalling, because they are flooded by their reactions to a womansemotional expression.

Men, says Gottman, tend to be more physiologically overwhelmed thanwomen by marital tension. For example, during confrontations a mans pulserate is more likely to rise, along with his blood pressure. Therefore, men mayfeel a greater, perhaps instinctive, need to flee from intense conflict with theirspouse in order to protect their health.

When a woman is feeling that there is disconnect with her man, talkingemotionally is her way to regain connection. For him, her unhappiness triggershis shame. The more she tries to get through to him, the more overwhelmed hebecomes and the more he shuts down. His shutdown is interpreted by her as

coldness and an indication that he doesnt care about her. Her attempts to gethim to talk about his feelings are interpreted by him as attempts by her force himto do something that causes him great pain. No wonder her emotional reactionsare so difficult for him to handle.


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6. Her withholding praise for his accomplishments

When we first meet and fall in love, we usually lavish each other with praise.Every little thing he did pleased her and she told him so. He was her knight inshining armor. When he opened a can for her, she praised him for his strength.

When he accompanied her drop to off a book for a friend, she told him how kindand considerate he was to take time to run errands with her.

But over time, as we become more disconnected from our partner, shepraises him less and less (and he praises her less and less). For him, the lack ofpraise translates into shame. She doesnt value me or think what Im doing isworthwhile, he may think to himself and go on to put himself down. And shesprobably right. I havent really accomplished anything significant in my life.

The deepest wound to a mans sense of self is when he doesnt feel that hecan please the woman he loves. Its like nothing I do pleases her anymore, a

client told me with real sadness in his voice. She points out all the things I dothat she doesnt like, but she seems to ignore the things I do to try and pleaseher. Shes the most important person in my life, but Ive all but given up trying toget through to her.

For the womans part, she is caught in her own fears and is more likely to seewhat he isnt doingto please her than the things that he does do. The man oftencloses down his efforts to protect himself from the shame of inadequacy he feels.The woman is sure he just doesnt care about pleasing her. When I tell womenhow important her safety and pleasure is to a man, she is surprised.

Most women do not understand how much it pleases a man to please awoman, specifically how important it is to the man in her life to please her, saypsychologists Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. Furthermore, a man does notsimply want to please herhe lives to please her.

Breaking the Cycle of Fear and Shame

I remember an experience I had with Carlin that gave me a betterunderstanding of the difference way women experience fear vs. the way menexperience shame. Early in our relationship we were both working long hours toadvance our careers. We had both decided we needed to take some time offwork to be by ourselves.

After one of my alone days Carlin happened to ask how I had spent my time.I told her I had done into San Francisco, walked around, and spent most of thetime sitting in a restaurant reflecting on my life and what where I was going. Tomy surprise Carlin reacted to my story with anger. I thought we were taking timeto be alone, she told me. What are you doing socializing in San Francisco?


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It took us awhile to calm down and talk about our experiences. She told methat she could never walk around alone in San Francisco or sit in a restaurantwithout having men come on to her (yes, she is very attractive). She shared herpain about always feeling somewhat afraid, always having to be aware of whomight be following her or watching her.

My story was the opposite. I told her that I often felt the shame of beinginvisible in the world, like an outcast from the tribe. I could wander for hours onend and never feel anyone paying the least bit of attention to me. I would sit inrestaurants just to feel the vibes of human interaction. I began to tear up whenI told her that I often felt that I could be sitting somewhere and die and no onewould notice that I was gone.

Carlin and I are learning to talk about our experiences of fear and shame. Itisnt always easy, but it always brings us closer when were able to reveal ourmost vulnerable places. Were learning that when there is a disconnect

between us, it often is caused by me not understanding her fear or her notunderstanding my shame.

Its never easy to put ourselves in the shoes of the other. Too often theunexpressed fear and shame eats away at a relationship like acid. But the morewe are able to tune into our own feelings of fear and shame and share them withour partner without judgment or blame, the deeper and more intimate ourrelationships become.

I look forward to your feedback.

To receive a Free E-book on Mens Health and a free subscription to Jeds e-newsletter go to www.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselorto help with relationship issues, write [email protected]
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