28 -Overcoming Grief - Gary - Transcript

7/24/2019 28 -Overcoming Grief - Gary - Transcript

1/11

CopyrightRobbins-Madanes Training

Overcoming blame Gary

Film Transcript

CM Cloe MadanesTony Anthony RobbinsGary

Audience

CM: Have you ever experienced a loss from which you just couldnt recover? Have you everfound yourself stuck in the past or found yourself blaming someone for the ways they have hurt

you or held you back? o you ever wish that you could find a way to start over? !his film will

show you how to overcome your loses" discover what you really want out of life and how to takepowerful steps for creating a new future while continuing to honor the past# $n this film" we willmeet %ary who twelve years ago suffered an unspeakable family tragedy# His two&year&olddaughter drowned while he was away# %ary was so devastated and filled with self&blame that he

went into a period of alcoholism and addiction that nearly destroyed him# 'fter years of thiskind of life" %ary encountered !onys teachings which helped him to con(uer his addictions and

become a successful businessman#

't the point where we meet him" %ary has just stood up at one of !onys seminars to answer a(uestion# !ony has just been going through an exercise designed to investigate peoples innerstandards and roles# He just asked whether anyone in the audience would sleep with a stranger

with no risk of illness for )*M# %ary stood up to say he would not under any circumstances#

!ony: +omebody else who would not do this? 'bsolutely not do this# ,es" why would you notdo this sir? !ell me why not#

%ary: $ would not do it because $ would feel wrong# $ would feel dirty#

!ony: Hmm# -ould you do it for free?

.audience laughing/

%ary: -ith a stranger?

!ony: ,es#

%ary: 0o#

!ony: 1kay# 'nd why would you feel dirty too?

%ary: $t just goes against my integrity and morality#

!ony: 2h&hmm# 3y the way" notice? oes he have a very clear set of rule structures? 'nd whatis one of those for him that is very important? $ntegrity# 'nd by the way" if you watch each

Page1


2/11


person as they speak" their answers are not only in their words but they are in their body# 'ndthere is an intensity and a seriousness about those rules for him that show up not just in thisarea of life but other areas as well# -ould that be fair to say?

%ary: !hat is right#

!ony: !his is his model of the world#

CM: !ony sees that %ary wears an expression of sadness and he wants to know why# 1ftenwhen someone has been sad for a long time" it is important to understand what other emotionalresources they have# 4or instance" underneath %arys sadness" there might be a comedian or anadventurer# !ony will now ask %ary some (uestions to reveal another side of him#

!ony: 0ow" $ applaud your decision and $ am curious" what is something cra5y and insaneinside of you that you want that is wrong?

.audience laughing/

!ony: 6ook at that smile#

.audience laughing/

!ony: 6isten to that scary laugh#

.audience laughing/

%ary: !he new 3M- the M7#

!ony: !he 3M- M7# -hy is it wrong?

%ary: 2h8

!ony: 3ecause it goes faster than you could ever really legally use?

.audience laughing/

!ony: ,ou blue breaking bastard" you#

.audience laughing/

!ony: $snt that scary? +ee? $n the middle of every rules&driven person" there is a .9#9#;


3/11


%ary: $ cant afford it# $ can afford it but it would not be the right way to spend the money#

!ony: 3ecause everything in life is right and wrong# ,ou know what" that has really served youimmensely# $ honor your integrity and $ wonder what is going to happen when you find adifferent model of the world" different than one that is one thing or the other# 're youmasculine or are you feminine?

%ary: Masculine#

!ony: 're you happy or sad?

%ary: $t depends# $t is both# 't times" $ mean it depends on what is going on# Happy or sad incareer" in relationship" different ways#

!ony: 1verall#

%ary: +ad#

!ony: ,es" $ know# -hat if $ were to tell you the very rules that $ have served you are thereasons you are so sad?

%ary: $ just learned that when you were talking#

!ony: -hat if $ told you it could change in a heartbeat? -hat is life about?

%ary: 6ove#

!ony: 2mm8

CM: -henever !ony is talking with someone who is unhappy" he asks" =-hat is life about?>!his helps him to (uickly understand the persons needs and priorities and the needs that are

not getting met# %ary says that life is about love but he doesnt seem like someone whoexperiences very much love# Clearly something is stopping %ary from living according to hishighest value# !ony will ask about that right now#

!ony: How have you been living as if life is about what though? -atch# Can you hear hisbreath? Can you see his body? -here you are seeing change change by the way happens in amoment@ the moment you make a new connection in your brain" a real new connection# $t rarelyhappens because we rarely ask ourselves these (uestions# -e just keep running the samepattern again and again and again and again so we live that way# 'nd so $ see in this manenormous pain# Aven $ have enormous respect because $ have very high standards of what $demand of myself#

%ary: $ just want to say !ony that before $ got into your teachings" if you knew where $ wasbefore" $ have come a very long way#!ony: $n fact" one of the ways you got from you where to where you are now is by coming up

with rules and living them#

%ary: ,es" correct#

!ony: 3ecause at one stage in your life you have no rules and your life was a mess or a fewrules?

Page3


4/11


%ary: ,es#

!ony: id it involve people or alcohol or drugs? 1r three?

%ary: 'll three#

!ony: %reat# $ got it# 'nd so in one point" he had to get rules to change his life and he had thatrules that were strict and you could not violate because otherwise you would have gone back#3ut today" he is in a new season of life or maybe he needs just the strict rules in those areas butnot on every other thing in life# -hat served you at one stage in life may not serve you now# 1rit may still serve you in that area where it is life and death but in this area where it is playfulnessor joy or happiness or fulfillment" maybe you need a different kind of rule# How many follow?

CM: Bersonal rules are a crucial way that people organi5e their lives# !ony greatly respects%arys ability to create new personal rules that stopped his alcoholism# However there are otherareas of life where it is better to have rules that are not so strict# 4or instance" in matters of love"the (uestion is: How do you relax your rules? !ony will surprise %ary with one way of changinghis rules right now#

!ony: 1kay# +o the softening of those rules" it couldnt have happened already but if it happens"if something that already just occurred when you werent looking" most of you" because you werelistening to what $ was saying# How long can you hear?

id something have just completely changed inside of you? $n fact if you were looking back onyour future" what just changed? How did your whole life change a moment ago?

%ary: $ reali5ed that $ was my values in the top" what $ was going for" it was significance andcertainty which the two freaking things you dont want#

!ony: -ell" you know you want them# ,ou just cant make them number one#

%ary: !hey were number one because of my past and what $ had" where $ was" and wanting tobe successful to erase that#

!ony: !o not feel so insignificant anymore" you wanted to be significant# !o not live in thisworld of such uncertainty" he wanted a different kind of certainty so he got rules that helpedthem did that and one of those was integrity which is a beautiful rule# 3ut at this stage of hislife" now he is a man of integrity" so now maybe it is time to let that one seep into you# ,ou dontlet go of it but something else rises to a greater level of focus# 6ike for example" love" which is

what he has always wanted even when he did drugs or alcohol# 3ut you just didnt think it waspossible# +o when people dont feel like they meet a need" they go to the body to change it mostoften because it works# ,ou take a drug and instantly" you feel significant or at least you feel less

non&significant or you feel comfortable because you disappear#

%ary: 6ess pain" $ lost my two&year old daughter# +he drowned#

!ony: 2mm#

%ary: !hen $ got into drugs and alcohol#

Page4


5/11


CM: 4inally %ary tells !ony about his greatest source of pain# 0ow we understand why %arycant experience the emotion he values most love# 'fter the tragedy of his daughters death"%ary felt so uncertain and insignificant about his life that he sought certainty and significance bydrinking and doing drugs# 'fter he con(uered his addictions" he sought certainty andsignificance by adhering to a very strict code of personal discipline and integrity# %arys strongdecisions were probably critical for him to survive his grief but they left parts of his emotional

life unresolved and this is still causing him pain#

0ow take a moment to ask yourself: Have you ever suffered a serious loss that forced you tomake a strong decision? id any part of your life get left behind when you made that decision?+ome people are adventurers and then a sudden loss causes them to turn conservative# +omepeople are funny but suffer a loss and then make a strong decision to be serious# -hathappened in your past?

!ony: -hen she died" you blamed yourself?

%ary: 1h" yeah" yeah#

!ony: -ere you responsible for her death?

%ary: 0o" $ was not# $ was not there when she drowned#

!ony: 3ut you believe that you should have been there?

%ary: $ should have been there" too because how could a father let =her> daughter let hisdaughter drown?

CM: id you hear that? %ary slipped and said how could a father let =her> daughter drown? $tappears that this is a (uestion that %ary has asked himself many times before#

!ony: Her father didnt let her drown# $f he was there he wouldnt let her drown and the fact the

truth is that if didnt happen then" it could happen at another stage of life or he couldnt haveprevented it no matter what# -hat if it happened at school? $ am glad it didnt because then

you probably would have killed someone# -ho didnt protect your daughter?

%ary: 3ecause of it" $ have become much more# $ mean $ know %od#

!ony: ,es# %ive him a hand for that# !hat is beautiful#

CM: -hen !ony asked whether he had been at the scene of the accident" %ary and slipped andsaid" =How could a father let her daughter drown?> !onys guess is that the daughter died

while she was with the mother and that %ary not only blamed himself but also the mother# !hiskind of blaming is an emotional trap that can prevent %ary from experiencing love ever again in

his life# !he simple truth is that accidents are not always preventable# 'ccidents often happeneven when everyone is paying attention and many deaths simply cannot be blamed on anyoneperson# %ary responds by telling !ony that in fact his daughters death did lead him to a greaterspiritual understanding# !ony will call on the spiritual understanding and use it to lead %ary toa place of greater healing and love#

0ow take a moment to ask yourself: -hat (uestions are unresolved within you? -hat do youhave trouble letting go of and why? $s there someone that you have been blaming for your loses?

'sk yourself: -hat is that blame doing to you? -hat is it doing to your heart? $s it making you

Page5


6/11


healthier or less healthy? -hat would it feel like to forgive that person and let go even if theperson you are blaming is yourself? 0ow back to !ony and %ary#

.applause/

!ony: -hat is your daughters name?

%ary: Chelsea#

!ony: How old was she?

%ary: !wo years old#

!ony: How old is she now?

%ary: 4ourteen#

!ony: -hat would she want for you?

%ary: !o be happy and to know that she is okay#

!ony: Close your eyes# o you believe you can connect with her? 1r do you believe she canconnect with you?

%ary: $ do#

!ony: $ want you to ask her presence here right now#

%ary: Chelsea" $ want you to come here into this room#

!ony: 6et me know when she is here# ,ou dont have to speak# Dust let me know when she is

present with you# 4eel her presence# 4eel your connection to her# !hat is eternal# 0ow as youfeel that with her" can you feel her love and love her# 4eel a connection that is unbroken beyondthis life and beyond any life and go beyond any pain that ever existed to something that iseternal# 3eyond anything that no pain could even withstand in the light of it# 3ecause darknessdisappears and then you should turn on the light no matter how dark it was# 'nd in herpresence" in the presence of yourself and %od and all that connected at once" ask your little girl

what addy needs because she knows# +he is very wise now# 'nd what do you promise her?

%ary: $ promise her that $ will not let this tragedy ruin any more of my life#

!ony: -hy not? !ell her# ont tell me#

%ary: $ love you# $ loved you so much and $ am sorry $ wasnt there and $ know that you are inheaven and $ know you are okay and $ know that you want me to continue to ruin my life#

!ony: -hat does she say to you in your heart? 0ot in your head# -hat does she say?

%ary: $ love you daddy# $ love you#

!ony: -hat does she say you need? -hat do you need to know or believe for certain now?3ecause she will give you that gift#

Page6


7/11


%ary: $ need to know that $ am okay and $ am a good man# $ need to know that $ do deserve agood life#

!ony: !hat is right# 'sk her if you do# +he knows you better than anyone# 're you a good man?o you deserve a good life? 'sk her# ont ask anyone else# 'sk her#

%ary: Chelsea" am $ a good man? -as $ a good father? o $ deserve a good life?

!ony: 4eel her answer in your heart# 0ot in your head# !he deepest part of your soul# -hat isyour answer? ,ou know the answer# -hat is your answer? 4eel it# ont just think it" feel it#4eel it all the way down to your toes" top of your head" in your heart" in your soul" in your sinew"in your emotion and in your mind now# -hat is the answer?

%ary: $ deserve a good happy life and to stop blaming and to let go#

!ony: $f you didnt do that" what would it do to her?

%ary: +he would be trapped# +he wouldnt be able to fulfill her purpose#

!ony: +o what the hell are you going to do?

%ary: $ am going to forgive myself for not being there# $ am going to live life on purpose" withpurpose# $ am not going to be so strict in my rules# $ want my number one value to be love andnot certainty and significance anymore#

!ony: 'nd the truth is it already is" isnt it?

%ary: ,es#

!ony: -hat will she forgive you for?

CM: -hen someone has been in grief a long time" it is difficult to forget that relationships are atwo&way street# $f %ary had been holding others accountable for his daughters death" he needsto be accountable for the way he has behaved ever since his daughters death# !ony is gentlyasking %ary to do that#

!ony: 3ecause she knows she doesnt need to forgive you for not being there# -hat does sheneed to forgive you for? oes she forgive you for beating yourself up for all these years? 'ndtrapping her? 'nd making her feel bad?

%ary: +he wants me to move on and she forgives me#

!ony: How does that feel?

%ary: $t is what $ needed and what $ wanted#

!ony: $s it real? 4eel it#

%ary: $t is real#

!ony: 'nd by the way" that doesnt mean that she is going to leave you does it?

Page7


8/11


CM: !ony is reassuring %ary that he will not lose her daughter when he lets her go#

!ony: +o what is your number one rule for life from now on? !ell her" you have a new rule# $t isa really simple one" what is it?

%ary: Chelsea" my new rule is to live life with love# 6ove is everything# $t is not significant" it isnot certainty" it is not the job" it is not the car" the 3M-" the house#!ony: 're you willing to have a 3M- though?

%ary: ,es" but is it not" it cant be your driving force#

!ony: 3ut you could drive it while you are steering your driving force#

CM: -hen %ary truly forgives himself" he will allow himself to enjoy the things he desires# Hewill be flexible with his personal rules and will not be afraid to experience his needs forexcitement and even significance#

!ony: 're you flexible enough to enjoy that too? 'nd not make a judgment about it?

%ary: $ believe we all deserve abundance#

!ony: %ive him a hand# !hank you very much#

.applause/

CM: %ary stood up to answer a simple (uestion in an exercise but !ony saw that somethingwithin %ary was unresolved# 'lthough %ary had been successful in business" emotionally he wasin great pain# !ony was surprised to hear that %arys highest value is love even though he didntseem to experience being loved very often# +oon we learned why# %ary had lost a primarysource of love his daughter in a tragic accident# He had blamed himself and others for this

loss# 'nd this took him into a habit of alcohol and drug use#

6ater" he summoned the discipline to overcome his alcoholism" but still he was not able to feelthings emotionally the way he could before Chelsea died# !ony guided %ary through a virtualconversation with his daughter# He knew that if %arys daughter asked him to stop punishinghimself" he would have to listen to her and fulfill her re(uest#

%ary asked his daughter whether he was a good man and whether he deserved a good life and heapologi5ed for not taking care of himself# 'nd for the first time in twelve years" he heard hisdaughter reassure him with her love acceptance# He reali5ed that he was trapping her soul bytrying to hold on to her and so he finally let her go with all of the love he had#

+ometimes life will give us a shock from which it is difficult it is to recover# 3ut when thathappens" it is important to remember three things: *# -hen you suffer a serious loss" you willmake strong emergency decisions that have to do with survival# -hile those decisions mayserve you during an emergency" it is important to go back later and reconsider those decisions#%arys strong decision to become strict and unforgiving with himself was an important way toover alcoholism# 3ut now he needs to think about his other needs for love and contribution#

E# 3laming others will hurt you in the long run# -hen you cant forgive others" you hold on tothe pain# %ary needed to forgive himself and the others involved in order to become emotionally

Page8


9/11


whole again# # Femember that your heart keeps its connection with every person you have everloved whether they are still with you or not# %ary only had to ask Chelsea to reali5e that she didnot want him to punish himself anymore#

$f you can remember those three things" even if you suffered a terrible loss" you will have a bettertime overcoming your pain and finding your way back to love and joy in your life# 0ow let us

visit with %ary again two years later#

!ony: -e make these films so that people see that change really does last#

%ary: 'bsolutely#

!ony: 'nd one of the most difficult things anyone could imagine is losing a family member butalso most people think about losing a child is the most difficult one because if it was somebodyolder in life" they can almost rationali5e they had a full life but when it comes to your son ordaughter" most people cant dream that#

%ary: 0o#

!ony: -ould you just tell us" first of all" where were you and where are you now in your liferelated to your daughter and the drowning and what has occurred?

%ary: Brior to date with destiny" when $ raised my hand and basically my heart was closed and $wasnt experiencing life fully at all in any way# $ had problems with relationships one after theother and it just wasnt" something was missing# -hen we did the process and $ got through tothe other side and actually felt my daughters presence and felt the guilt of not being there whenshe drowned leave me and when you had me speak to her and $ felt her presence in the room"that cleansing and connection allowed me to open my heart in a way that !ony $ neverexperienced shortly after that a relationship where the love was at a level $ never knew existed#$t is true love# !hat was only possible from having the guilt leave me of losing my daughter tonot self&destruct anymore with bad negative patterns and substances and $ have been on a heck

of a journey#

!ony: ,eah#

%ary: $ personally couldnt cope with the loss of her especially that $ was very close to her# $mean that $ for the first two years that she was alive" $ took care of her during the day and $

worked at night so $ would be with her constantly to change her diapers and $ loved being afather# $ love children# $t is the greatest loss than anybody could go through# 'nd so $ couldntcope so $ drugged and did tran(uili5ers to numb so $ wouldnt feel# 1bviously" you have to makea decision which is when $ read 'waken the %iant -ithin but that was only after" that was four

years of abusing drugs and alcohol and then $ read the book# 'nd that was the catalyst to startthe journey with you and since that date with destiny" $ know why $ am here# $ am here to

contribute" to give back to people that are suffering" people that lost their children" people thatare suffering from drugs and alcohol# My mission is to give" to give back#

!ony: ,eah#

%ary: !here is nothing like giving" !ony# 'nd $ know that this journey is all about it# $ telleverybody about what this is all about# $t is not about me# $t is about learning and getting theresources and tools to help others to give back and like the rock in the pond" the ripples#

Page9


10/11


!ony: -hat do you say to a parent who sees this disk and says that is not going to happen forme@ $ cant# $ love my child so much more or $ dont have anything else# $ am not as strong as%ary is or whatever the case maybe# -hat would you say to them to get through to them thatthis can not only end" but it can transform?

%ary: !he first thing $ would say is $ totally empathi5e and know the pain the pain of like the

earth opening and you are falling through" you lost your child# $t is devastating# ,ou cannotpossibly when in the initial moments and weeks and months after see any way out of that pain# $can tell you that there is a breakthrough that that will come#

!ony: ,es#

%ary: !he pain of losing the child is so bad# $t is terrible" terrible but what happened for me was$ reali5ed that Chelsea would want me to be happy and it wasnt serving her or anybody and $

was hurting myself# My daughter wouldnt want me to do that you know or anyones# 'nd once$ made that shift with your help" $ was able to at least get some of that pain out and start movingtowards healing#

!ony: ,es" got it# !hat is so beautiful# 'nd you just said the most important second part thatsome people you know they intellectually can say okay# $ know my daughter" my son or if it wasfather or mother or husband or wife" $ know they want me to be happy but it is a =but#> ,oureally feel it# $t is a process in your whole nervous system# 3ut the other portion that gets you

beyond the =but> is when you take it and you give life to your son" your daughter" your husband"your wife" your husband" father or mother or whoever by honoring them by going out andserving and turning what was the most devastating experience of your life into a power because $always tell people" there are certain pains that are spiritual pains#

%ary: ,es#

!ony: ,ou know you can cut somebody physically and you can lose and arm and that is a verysevere experience# ,ou can have emotional pain but $ think there are few experiences like one

that has been sexually abused or have experiences like when you lose a child" then it is a deepspiritual pain and the power of that is when transformed" it gives you a spiritual strength andspiritual gift and that gift is the ability of a lot people#

%ary: Fight#

!ony: 'nd how many years did you suffer for by the way" $ forgot the number of years# $ mean8

%ary: !hat was a suffering before $ knew a way out for five years# ,eah" almost five years aftershe died and $ am talking suffering# $ mean it brought me to places that $ dont even like to get

back to in my mind because $ such a different person now# 'nd still at times" $ had to be carefulbecause that is always there# !hat temper and relief from pain is always there#

!ony: $ am not sure for anybody there was abuse of any form of alcohol or drugs because thatpattern was available but it is making the better choices that are there and now you got reasonsto make the better choices to which is the difference#

%ary: !hat is right# !hat is right#

!ony: Feasons come first and answers come second# -hat would you say after to a counselor tosomeone who is trying to help somebody in this situation it might be a minister" it might be a

Page10


11/11


social worker" it might be a psychologist" a psychiatrist because they dont know how woundedthe person is# !his is a very uni(ue experience and the support often times reinforces that thepattern can never change" what would you say to them so that they would at least create a newpossibility with themselves or what would you say to them about how to think about this whenthey go to work with someone who has been through this kind of a tragedy?

%ary: $ would say that when they are initially starting to work with someone who just lost theirchild" dont tell them what they should or shouldnt be feeling or should do or should not do#,ou need to gain the trust of that person and that person is so broken right now that they justneed" when they are ready to talk" they just need somebody to listen# 1nce that process and thattrust and that bond comes" the person" the counsel would be able to get in a little bit and maybecoach the person into a better possibility and a better way to think#

!ony: ,eah" $ totally agree# $ totally agree# 3ut in the end?

%ary: $n the end" there is clearly a path of healing and it turns and the pain transforms# $ knowthis because $ have suffered it# $ did the worst thing in many areas but not now# 0ot now#

.6aughter/

!ony: !hat is the beauty#

%ary: $ just wanted to share the gift that $ have been given and of course my technologycompany and $ just signed up for the $ron Man !riathlon in 6ake Blacid#!ony: -ow# Congratulations#

%ary: 1kay# +o from going from somebody who was very unhealthy at one point to ultrahealthy with your help#

!ony: ,ou have been tested to be growing in multiple ways# ,our new sets of lessons are goingto be in relationships# !hey are not done# $ can feel them in you still and $ know and you are

making more distinctions in yourself because you are now at a new stage of development in thearea of relationship because we might be really developed in one area like business and then lessdeveloped in the area of happiness or really developed now your ability to deal with somestrategy but less developed in intimate relationship# -hen $ say developed" $ mean theexperiences within you now are developed in a different level so that will be your next journey#!hat is why $ invite you come back in a date with us to say .$naudible/.9#E#E#E/ distinctions#

%ary: !hank you so much#

!ony: ,ou are welcome#

Page11

Documents

28 -Overcoming Grief - Gary - Transcript