3. Hotel Des Boobs

7/14/2019 3. Hotel Des Boobs

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David Lodge

HOTEL DES BOOBS

Hotel des Pins said Harry More like Hotel des Boobs

Come away from that window, said Brenda Sto behaving like a Peeing !om"#hat dyo$ mean, a Peeing !om said Harry %ontin$ing to stare down at the ool area

thro$gh the slats of their bedroom sh$tters" & Peeing !om is someone who interferes with someone

elses riva%y"!his is a rivate hotel"

Hotel des !its" Hotel des Bristols" Hey, thats not bad' He t$rned his head to flash a grin a%ross

the room" Hotel Bristols, in the l$ral, (eddit)

*f Brenda got it, she wasnt imressed" Harry res$med his wat%h" *m not interfering with

anyones riva%y, he said" *f they dont want eole to look at their tits, why dont they %over them$)

#ell go and look, then" Dont ee" (o down to the ool and have a good look" Brendadragged a %omb angrily thro$gh her hair" Hold an inse%tion"

Brenda snorted derisively"

#hy not) +o$ve nothing to be ashamed of' He t$rned his head again to leer en%o$ragingly ather" +o$ve still got a fine air"

!hanks very m$%h" *m s$re" Said Brenda" B$t * intend to kee them %overed as er $s$al"

#hen in ome" said Harry"!his isnt ome, its the C-te d&.$r"

C-te des !its" Said Harry" C-te des /no%kers"

*f *d known yo$ were going to go on like this, said Brenda, *d never have %ome here"0or years Harry and Brenda had taken family holidays every s$mmer in ($ernsey, where

Brendas arents lived" B$t now that the %hildren were grown $ eno$gh to make their own

arrangements, they had de%ided to have a %hange" Brenda had always wanted to see the So$th of

0ran%e, and they felt theyd earned the right to treat themselves for on%e" !hey were 1$ite %omfortablyoff, now that Brenda, a re%ent grad$ate of the 2en 3niversity, had a f$ll4time 5ob as a tea%her" *t had

%a$sed an agreeable stir in the managerial %anteen at Barnard Castings when Harry droed the name

of their holiday destination in among the Benidorms and Palmas, the Costas of this and that, whosemerits were being debated by his %olleag$es"

!he 0ren%h iviera, Harry)

+es, a little hotel near St" ahael, Brenda got the name o$t of a book"

(oing $ in the world, arent we)#ell, it is ri%ey" B$t we tho$ght, well, why not be e6travagant, while were still yo$ng eno$gh

to en5oy it"

7n5oy eyeing all those toless birds, yo$ mean"*s that right) said Harry, with an inno%en%e that was not entirely feigned" 2f %o$rse he knew in

theory that in %ertain arts of the Mediterranean girls s$nbathed toless on the bea%h, and he had seen

i%t$res of the henomenon in this se%retarys daily newsaer, whi%h he fil%hed reg$larly for the sakeof s$%h ill$strations" B$t the reality had been a sho%k" 8ot so m$%h the romis%$o$s, anonymo$s

breastbaring of the bea%h, as the more intimate and so%ially %omle6 n$dity aro$nd the hotel ool"

#hat made the ool different, and more dist$rbing was that the women who lay half4naked aro$nd its

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erimeter all day were the same as those yo$ saw imma%$lately dressed for dinner in the evening, or

nodded and smiled olitely at in the lobby, or e6%hanged small talk abo$t the weather with in the bar"

&nd sin%e Brenda fo$nd the tree4shaded ool, a few miles inland, infinitely referable to the heat andglare and %rowdedness of the bea%h :not to mention the robable oll$tion of the sea;, it be%ame the

rin%ial theatre of Harrys initiation into the new %ode of mammary manners"

Harry < he didnt mind admitting it < had always had a thing abo$t womens breasts" Some menwent for legs, or b$ms, b$t Harry had always been what the boys at Barnards %alled a tit4fan%ier" +o$

were weaned too early, Brenda $sed to say, a diagnosis that Harry a%%eted with a %omla%ent grin" He

always glan%ed, a simle refle6 a%tion, at the b$st of any se6$ally interesting female that %ame within

his $rview, and had sent many idle moments se%$lating abo$t the shaes that were %on%ealedbeneath their sweaters, blo$ses and brassieres" *t was dis%on%erting, to say the least, to find this

harmless astime rendered totally red$ndant $nder the Proven=al s$n" He had s%ar%ely beg$n to assess

the fig$res of the women at the Hotel des Pins before they satisfied his %$riosity to the last ore"*ndeed, in most %ases, he saw them half4naked before he met them, as it were, so%ially" !he snooty

7nglishwoman, for instan%e, mother of twin boys and wife to the t$bby sto%kbroker never witho$t

yesterdays 0inan%ial !imes in his hand and a sm$g smile on his fa%e" 2r the female artner of the(erman %o$le who worshied the s$n with religio$s .eal, t$rning and anointing themselves

a%%ording to a stri%t timetable and with the aid of a 1$art. alarm" 2r the deely tanned br$nette of a

%ertain age whom Harry had rivately %hristened Carmen Miranda, be%a$se she soke an eager and

raid Sanish, or it might have been Port$g$ese, into the %ordless telehone whi%h the waiter &ntoinebro$ght to her at fre1$ent intervals"

Mrs" Snooty had hardly any breasts at all when she was lying down, 5$st boyish ads of what

looked like m$s%le, tied with f$nny little t$rned4$ niles that 1$ivered like the noses of two smallrodents when side stood $ and moved abo$t" !he (erman ladys breasts were erfe%t %ones, smooth

and firm as if t$rned on a lathe, and never seemed to %hange their shae whatever ost$re she adoted>

whereas Carmen Mirandas were like two brown satin bags filled with a vis%o$s fl$id that ebbed andflowed a%ross her rib4%age in %ontin$al motion as she t$rned and twisted restlessly on her mattress,

awaiting the ne6t hone %all from her absent lover" &nd this morning there were a air of teenage girls

down by the ool whom Harry hadnt seen before, re%lining side by side, one in green bikini ants andthe other in yellow, regarding their re%ently a%1$ired breasts, hemisheres smooth and flawless as 5elly

mo$lds, with the 1$iet satisfa%tion of ho$sewives wat%hing s%ones rise"

!here are two new%omers today, said Harry" 2r sho$ld * say, fo$r"

&re yo$ %oming down) said Brenda, at the door" 2r are yo$ going to send the morningeering thro$gh the sh$tters)

*m %oming #heres my book) He looked aro$nd the room for his ?a%k Higgins aerba%k"

+o$re not making m$%h rogress with it, are yo$), said Brenda sar%asti%ally" * think yo$o$ght to move the bookmark every day, for aearan%es sake"

& book was %ertainly basi% e1$iment for dis%reet boob4wat%hing down by the ool@ something

to eer over, or ro$nd, something to look $ from, as if distra%ted by a s$dden noise or movement, at

the oort$ne moment, 5$st as the bird a few yards away slied her %ost$me off her sho$lders, orrolled on to her ba%k" &nother essential item was a air of s$nglass, as dark as ossible, to %on%eal the

re%ise dire%tion of ones ga.e" 0or there was, Harry reali.ed, a roto%ol involved in tolessness" 0or a

man to stare at, or even let his eyes rest for a meas$rable san of time $on, a bared bosom, wo$ld bebad form, be%a$se it wo$ld violate the f$ndamental rin%ile $on whi%h the whole ra%ti%e was based,

namely, that there was nothing noteworthy abo$t it, that it was the most nat$ral, ne$tral thing in the

world" :&ntoine was arti%$larly skilled in managing to serve his female %lients %old drinks, or taketheir orders for l$n%h, stooing low over their rone fig$res, witho$t seeming to noti%e their

nakedness"; +et his rin%ile was belied by another, whi%h %onfined tolessness to the ool and its

margins" &s soon as they moved on to the terra%e, or into the hotel itself, the women %overed their

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$er halves" Did bare tits gain and lose eroti% val$e in relation to arbitrary territorial .ones) Did the

breast eagerly ga.ed $on, fondled and n$..led by h$sband, or lover in the riva%y of the bedroom,

be%ome an ob5e%t of indifferen%e, a mere anatomi%al rot$beran%e no more interesting than an elbow orknee%a, on the %on%rete rim of the swimming ool) 2bvio$sly not" !he idea was abs$rd" Harry had

little do$bt that, like himself, all the men resent, in%l$ding &ntoine, derived %onsiderable leas$re and

stim$lation from the tolessness of most of the women, and it was $nlikely that the women themselveswere $naware of this fa%t" Perhas they fo$nd it e6%iting, Harry se%$lated, to e6ose themselves

knowing that the men m$st not betray any sign of aro$sal> and their own menfolk might share, in a

vi%ario$s, rorietorial way in this e6%itement" 7se%ially if ones own wife was better endowed than

some of the others" !o inter%et the admiring and envio$s gla%e of another man at yo$r wifes boobs, tothink silently to yo$rself" +es, all right mate, yo$ %an look as long as its not too obvio$s, b$t only *m

allowed to to$%hem, see) !hat might be very e6%iting"

Lying beside Brenda at the oolside, di..y from the heat and the %onsideration of these $..lesand arado6es, Harry was s$ddenly transfi6ed by an arrow of erverse desire@ to see his wife naked,

and l$st after her, thro$gh the eyes of other men" He rolled over on to his stoma%h and $t his mo$th to

Brendas ear"*f yo$ll take yo$r to off, he whisered" *ll b$y yo$ that dress we saw in St" ahael" !he

one for twelve h$ndred fran%s"

!he a$thor had rea%hed this oint in his story, whi%h he was writing seated at an $mbrella4

shaded table on the terra%e overlooking the hotel ool, $sing a fo$ntain en and r$led fools%a, as washis wont, and having a%%$m$lated many %an%elled and rewritten ages, as was also his wont, when

witho$t warning a owerf$l wind arose" *t made the ine trees in the hotel gro$nds shiver and hiss,

raised wavelets on the s$rfa%e of the ool, kno%ked over several $mbrellas, and whirled the leaves ofthe a$thors man$s%rit into the air" Some of these floated ba%k on to the terra%e, or the margins of the

ool, or into the ool itself, b$t many were f$nneled with astonishing seed high into the air, above the

trees, by the hot breath of the wind" !he a$thor staggered to his feet and gaed $nbelievingly at theleaves of fools%a rising higher and higher, like es%aed kites, twisting and t$rning in the s$n, white

against the a.$re sky" *t was like the visitation of some god or daemon, a Pente%ost in reverse, drawing

woods away instead of imarting then" !he a$thor felt raed" !he female s$nbathers aro$nd the ool, asif similarly %ons%io$s, %overed their naked breasts as they stood and wat%hed the whirling leavers of

aer re%ede into the distan%e" 0a%es were t$rned towards the a$thor, smiles of symathy mi6ed with

S%hadenfre$de" Bidden by the shar voi%e of their mother, the 7nglish twins s%$rried ro$nd the ools

edge %olle%ting $ loose sheets, and bro$ght them with doggy eagerness ba%k to their owner" !he(erman, who had been in the ool at the time of the wind, %ame $ with two sodden ages, %overed

with weeing longhand, held between finger and th$mb, and laid them %aref$lly on the a$thors table to

dry" Pierre, the waiter, resented another sheet on his tray" Cest le etit mistral, he said with a mo$eof %ommiseration" $el dommage' !he a$thor thanked them me%hani%ally, his eyes still on the

airborne ages, now mere se%ks in the distan%e, sinking slowly down into the ine woods" &ro$nd the

hotel the air was 1$ite still again" Slowly the g$ests ret$rned to their lo$ngers and mattresses" !he

women dis%reetly $n%overed their bosoms, renewed the ali%ation of &mbre Solaire, and res$med the$rs$it of the erfe%t tan"

Simon' ?aser' Said the 7nglishwoman, #hy dont yo$ go for a walk in the woods and see if

yo$ %an find any more of the gentlemans aers)2h, no, said the a$thor $rgently" Please dont bother" *m s$re theyre miles away by now"

&nd theyre really not imortant"

8o bother, said the 7nglishwoman" !heyll en5oy it"Like a treas$re h$nt, said her h$sband" 2r rather, aer %hase"

He %h$%kled at his own 5oke" !he boys trotted off obediently into the woods" !he a$thor retired

to his room, to await the ret$rn of his wife, who had missed all the e6%itement, from St" ahael"


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David Lodge

*ve bo$ght the most darling little dress, she anno$n%ed as she entered the room" Dont ask

me how m$%h it %ost"

!welve h$ndred fran%s)(ood (od, no" 8ot as m$%h as that" Seven h$ndred and fifty, a%t$ally" #hats the matter, yo$

look f$nny)

#eve got to leave this hotel"He told her what had haened"

* sho$ldnt worry, said his wife" !hose little brats robably wont find any more sheets"

2h yes they will" !heyll regard it as a %hallenge, like the D$ke of 7dinb$rgh &ward" !heyll

%omb the ine woods for miles aro$nd" &nd if they find anything, theyre s$re to read it"!hey wo$ldnt $nderstand"

!heir arents wo$ld" *magine Mrs" Snooty finding her niles %omared to the nose tis of

small rodents"!he a$thors wife sl$ttered with la$ghter" +o$ are a fool, she said"

*t wasnt my fa$lt, he rotested" !he wind srang o$t of nowhere"

&n a%t of (od)Pre%isely"

#ell, * dont s$ose He aroved of that story" * %ant say * %ared m$%h for it myself" How

was it going to end)

!he a$thors wife knew the story retty well as far as he had got with it, be%a$se he had read ito$t to her in bed the revio$s night"

Brenda a%%ets the bribe to go toless"

* dont think she wo$ld"#ell, she does" &nd Harry is leased as P$n%h" He feels that he and Brenda have finally

liberated themselves, 5oined the sohisti%ated set" He imagines himself telling the boys ba%k at Barnard

Castings abo$t it, making them ribaldly envio$s" He gets s$%h a hard4on that he has to lie on hisstoma%h all day"

!$t, t$t' said his wife, How %r$de"

He %ant wait to get to bed that night" B$t 5$st as theyre retiring, they searate for some reason* havent worked o$t yet, and Harry goes $ to their room first" She doesnt %ome at on%e, so Harry gets

ready for bed, lies down, and falls aslee" He wakes $ two ho$rs later and finds Brenda is still

missing" He is alarmed and $ts on his dressing gown and sliers to go in sear%h of her" ?$st at that

moment, she %omes in" #here the hell have yo$ been) he says" She has a e%$liar look on her fa%e,goes to the fridge in their room and drinks a bottle of Perrier water before she tells him her story" She

says that &ntoine inter%eted her downstairs to resent her with a bo$1$et" *t seems that ea%h week all

the male staff of the hotel take a vote on whi%h female g$est has shaeliest breasts, and Brenda has%ome ti of the oll" !he bo$1$et was a mark of their admiration and rese%t" She is distressed be%a$se

she left it behind in &ntoines room"

&ntoines room)

+es, he had %oa6ed her into seeing his room, a little %halet in the woods, and gave her a drink,and one thing led to another, and she ended $ letting him make love to her"

How imrobable"

8ot ne%essarily" !aking off her bra in $bli% released some dormant streak of wantonness inBrenda that Harry had never seen before" She is rather dr$nk and 1$ite shameless" She ta$nts him with

grahi% testimony to &ntoines skill as a lover, and %omares Harrys genital e1$iment $nfavo$rably

to the 0ren%hmans"#orse and worse, said the a$thors wife"

&t that oint Harry hits her"

2h, ni%e' Eery ni%e"

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Brenda half $ndresses and %rawls into bed" & %o$le of ho$rs later, she wakes $" Harry is

standing by the window staring down at the emty ool, a ghostly bl$e in the light of the moon" Brenda

gets o$t of bed, %omes a%ross and to$%hes him gently on the arm" Come to bed, she says" *t wasnt tr$e,what * told yo$" He t$rns his fa%e slowly towards her" 8ot tr$e) 8o, she says, * made it $, * went and

sat in the %ar for two ho$rs with a bottle of wine, and * made it $" #hy) He says" * dont know why,

she says" !o tea%h yo$ a lesson, * s$ose" B$t * sho$ldnt have" Come to bed" B$t Harry 5$st shakes hishead and t$rns ba%k to stare o$t of the window" * never knew, he says, in a dead sort of voi%e, that yo$

%ared abo$t the si.e of my ri%k" B$t * dont, she says" * made it all $" Harry shakes his head

disbelievingly, ga.ing down at the bl$e, breastless margins of the ool" !hats how the story was going

to end, with those words, Gthe bl$e, breastless margins of the ool"&s he soke these words, the a$thor was himself standing at the window, looking down at the

hotel ool from whi%h all the g$ests had dearted to %hange for dinner" 2nly the solitary fig$re of

Pierre moved among the $mbrellas and tables, %olle%ting bathing towels and tea4trays"Hmm, said the a$thors wife"

Harrys fi6ation on womens breasts, yo$ see, said the a$thor, has been disla%ed by an

an6iety abo$t his own body from whi%h he will never be free"+es, * see that" *m not st$id, yo$ know" !he a$thors wife %ame to the window and looked

down" Poor Pierre, she said" He wo$ldnt dream of making a ass at me, or any of the other women"

Hes obvio$sly gay"

0ort$nately, said the a$thor, * didnt get that far with my story before the wind s%attered it allover the %o$ntryside" B$t yo$d better get o$t the Mi%helin and find another hotel" * %ant stand the

tho$ght of staying on here, on tenterhooks all the time in %ase one of the g$ests %omes ba%k from a

walk in the woods with a %omromising ie%e of fi%tion in their aws" #hat an e6traordinary thing tohaen"

+o$ know, said the a$thors wife" *ts really a better story"

+es, said the a$thor, * think * shall write it" *ll %all it G!it for !at"8o, %all it GHotel des Boobs, said the a$thors wife" G!heirs and yo$rs"

#hat abo$t yo$rs)

?$st leave them o$t of it, lease"M$%h later that night, when they were in bed and 5$st droing off to slee, the a$thors wife

said@

+o$ dont really wish * wo$ld go toless, do yo$)

8o, of %o$rse not, said the a$thor" B$t he didnt so$nd entirely %onvin%ed, or %onvin%ing"

:in Mal%olm Bradb$ry :ed;, Modern British Short Stories, Peng$in Books, London, 9IJJ, AK4;

Documents

3. Hotel Des Boobs