30rock - Scriptapalooza - Scott Norton

7/31/2019 30rock - Scriptapalooza - Scott Norton

1/36

30ROCK"Focus Test"

byScott Norton

Scriptapalooza Television Entry2011

scott-norton.blogspot.com.au


2/36

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. JACKS OFFICE - MORNING1 1JACK sits at his desk - relaxed, looking like hes doingnothing. LIZ enters with purpose, carrying her morning latte,having just arrived to work.

LIZYou kidnapped my chair?

JACKA new initiative. A few peopleinterpreted, Come see me firstthing as, After youve settled in

and had coffee. (off her coffee)Im finding this works remarkablywell.

Liz looks to a number of office chairs sitting at the back ofJacks office. Too idiotic to tackle - back to Jack.

LIZ(holding out a post-itnote)

We have an emergency?

JACK

You have an emergency. Take yourseat.

She seeks it from the others, wheeling it forward. As shedoes Jack places his hands together in the traditional Thaigesture.

JACK (CONTD)Sawadee.

LIZHuh?

A SMALL THAI WOMAN comes from below/beside (out of sight) thedesk, picking up her stool and mani/pedi bag. She leaves.

JACKI have her flown in from Thailandonce a fortnight. (he looks to hispolished nails). Theres a lot tolike about this economy.


3/36

LIZThe emergency, Jack?

JACKFocus testing.

LIZ(as if in pain)Again? I thought Hank was happywith what we gave him.

JACKHe was. Binding the artwork fromthe day care centre was an inspiredidea. He said it was fifty thousandwell spent.

LIZReally?

JACKHe insisted you create two newsketches, remember?

LIZ(embarrassed to recall)

Wiggles on acid and Queer asTeletubbies.

CUT TO:

INT. INSERT STUDIO2 2

JENNA and TRACEY are dressed as Teletubbies.

JENNAAre you Beaty Meaty from Grinder?

TRACEYYes. You must be Sizey Queenie?

INT. JACKS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS3 3

LIZ

Why does he want more focustesting?

JACKHe doesnt. (then) What did you dowith the real focus test, Lemon?

2.


4/36

LIZI cut it into squares, put them ona string and hung them in thewriters toilets. (child like) Thecomments make us laugh.

JACKHank Hooper believes you can seethe soul of a company by thequality of toilet paper in thelowest level staff toilets.

LIZOh no.

JACKI know - ridiculous. But he readsome of your squares.

LIZ(resigned)What does he want?

JACKOne original sketch in every showfor the rest of the season.

LIZDefine original?

JACKAnd one sketch every season to go

on to produce a franchisable movie.LIZ

He has seen our sketches?

JACKIf it doesnt happen, Lemon, hesaid hed seriously consider myposition as head of TV, and youknow what that means?

LIZYoull fire me.

JACK(with pride)

Youve learnt so much from me. Idtruly regret downsizing you.

LIZBig regret?

3.


5/36

JACKTheres an electron microscope atMIT, youd need it to see myregret.

LIZ

Thats more than I expected.

INT. WRITERS ROOM - MOMENTS LATER4 4

Liz arrives with her chair and latte. TOOFER, RACHEL andFRANK are seated and drawing straws with fear and trepidationout of CERIEs hand . Toofer draws a long straw.

TOOFERYes!

LIZWhats going on?

TOOFERThey want a writer for an on airinterview. And its not me!

LIZThis is the sort of thing we shouldbe doing. Its a chance to raiseour profiles.

RACHELFor a debate on plus size women inmedia.

FRANKThey want to talk about Pam.

LIZOoooh. (avoiding the issue) No timefor that. Weve been asked tocreate one original sketch on everyshow for the rest of the season.

Group protest - groans and cries of What?, No!.

TOOFERNo-ones producing anything new inthis economy.

FRANKDoes changing names count?

RACHELCan we use the reject sketches?

4.


6/36

LIZWe need new sketches and good onesor were fired.

TOOFERThey cant threaten to fire us

every time the ratings wobble.FRANK

Or blame us when they dont likesomething.

RACHELAnd when they do like somethingits, wasnt Tracey good, or,great job, Jenna.

At that precise moment JENNA walks by the open door andwithout slowing....

JENNAThank you.

And shes gone. Liz looks to camera...

LIZHow does she do that?

TOOFERHow bad are the ratings?

LIZIts not the ratings, its from afocus test.

Group groan.

LIZ (CONTD)I know, I know. But this is TV,guys. In medicine they trust thedoctor to diagnose the patient, butwe live in ass backwards land. Sono time off, no breaks, no excuses.Everyone works until we creategold. Wheres Lutz?

LUTZ(off screen)

Here.

Liz looks - cant see him. Toofer swivels a lap top. LUTZ ison computer screen and waves. Liz shows despair.

5.


7/36

LIZThis is what Im talking about. Wecant just Skype it in anymore!

TRACEYS DRESSING ROOM - AFTERNOON5 5

Liz enters to find TRACEY sitting, presiding over GRIZZ andDOT COM who are pulling chips out of a packet and holdingthem up for Tracey.

TRACEYBroken!

They place the chip in a pile with other broken ones.

LIZWhats going on?

TRACEYIm suing the chip people, LizLemon. They selling broken chips!

From Liz, a moments thought - but only a moment.

LIZTracey, I need you to do aninterview for the show.

TRACEYDo I get stuff?

LIZOf course.

TRACEYThen Im in.

LIZGreat. They might want to talkabout Pam, so try to steer themonto something else.

TRACEYWhos Pam?

LIZPam, the overly confident morbidlyobese woman.

TRACEY(trying to place her)

From the cafeteria?.

6.


8/36

LIZFrom the show.

TRACEYI dont think Ive met her.

Liz realises Traceys confusion will work for her.LIZ

Youll be great. Its at 7.30tomorrow morning.

TRACEYYou cant fool me, Liz Lemon.Theres 7.30 at night and theres7.30 at late, late night. Buttheres no such thing as 7.30 inthe morning.

Liz looks to Grizz and Dot Com - pleading.LIZ

Could you....?

GRIZZAh-ah. (no)

DOT COMWe dont do mornings. We tried.

GRIZZNow we dont.

LIZPlease! The show really needs thepublicity.

Jenna appears at the door.

JENNADid someone say, Publicity.

LIZ(to camera)

Its like a superpower.

JENNAIll do it.

LIZOf course you will. (relenting - nochoice) Fine. They want to talkabout Pam.

7.


9/36

JENNAWhy dont they want to talk aboutme?

Liz exits with a groan.

INT. WRITERS ROOM - LATER6 6

Liz arrives back to find Toofer and Frank in heated debate.

FRANKThe last ones my favorite. Sexy,but not slutty.

RACHELNo, definitely not slutty.

LIZThis sounds promising, what have wegot?

Toofer, Rachel and Frank look caught. Cerie comes from Lizsoffice wearing a tight, skimpy top.

CERIEWhat about this one?

LIZReally?

She looks to Toofer, Rachel and Frank. Toofer tries to looklike hes working. Frank and Rachel dont bother.

FRANKThat one is awesome!

RACHELThe best so far.

LIZCerie, go get coffees.

CERIESure. What does everyone want?

LIZDoesnt matter, just go!

Cerie exits.

LIZ (CONTD)Sketches. Let me hear what youvegot.

8.


10/36

She looks to Toofer who scrolls on his laptop.

TOOFEROkay. (scrolls again) Its sort ofmore an idea at this stage. Maybeeven a feeling, a guy, or it could

be a girl...LIZ

Youve got nothing. Frank?

FRANKSuper Obama!

LIZNo! Weve done Obamatron, Oprahma,we even did a five minute Obamadrama. We need substance. Peoplenotice if you start strong and then

dont deliver.Frank screws up his piece of paper.

TOOFERSo you give us something?

Liz gives a look - Say what?

FRANKYeah, youre the head writer -Inspire us.

LIZ(full of bravado)

Okay. I will. How about... Just letme get my notes.

She exits to the hall, not her office, passing a dishevelledLutz who enters with his laptop.

LUTZ(calling after Liz)

Im here! Shes running. Whathappened?

TOOFERWe asked her for an original idea.

Frank laughs - he and Rachel high five.

INT. PROPS STORAGE AREA - LATER7 7

Liz enters looking for a quiet place to think and write. Shehears something strange.

9.


11/36

KENNETH(off screen)

I am the great Kennuthian.

INT. INSERT: KENNETHS MIND - GREEN SCREEN VIKING BOAT8 8

KENNETH is dressed as a Viking, with helmet and horns, longhair, shield, sword and a full Viking outfit.

KENNETH..Viking King of the land ofPropecia. (he strokes his longhair). Although, I dont rape andpillage. I will ask your father ifyou can come out on my boat for theday and if he says yes I willdemand some hand holding.

INT. PROPS STORAGE AREA - CONTINUOUS9 9

Liz pokes her head around a corner to find Kenneth dressed inViking regalia, although no longer in outfit. He now wearsjust the helmet, hair, sword and shield over his pagesuniform.

LIZKenneth?

Kenneth sees Liz and shrinks.

KENNETHMiss Lemon, what are you doinghere?

LIZI wanted a quiet place to write.What are you doing here?

KENNETHYouve caught me, Miss Lemon. Mysecret shame. I have been using NBCproperty without filling out therequired forms. I will resignimmediately.

LIZI wont tell if you wont.

KENNETHWhat do you mean?

10.


12/36

LIZIm not meant to be here either. Itcan be our little secret.

KENNETH(in awe)

Miss Lemon, youre playing hookey?LIZ

I have to come up with an originalidea for the show and I cant, Imdry. Im worn out from Tracey andJenna and a million otherridiculous problems.

KENNETHMay I give you some advice, MissLemon?

LIZSure, why not.

KENNETHIn my experience, no good ever camefrom an original idea. My uncle andcousin had one once and ended upcharged with murder.

LIZWow! Thats not good. What did theydo?

KENNETHWell, for a start, its only oneperson, but one day he went for adrink with a pig.

LIZBeen there.

INT. BAR - THE PAST10 10

Liz is dressed for a date and sitting with a slick youngexecutive type.

SLICK EXECUTIVEDoes one drink seal the deal, or doI need to buy you another?

INT. PROPS STORAGE AREA - CONTINUOUS11 11

KENNETHThe bar refused to serve animals.

11.


13/36

LIZUnusual for a bar.

KENNETHThats when my Uncle-Cousin had hisidea. He got that pig his own

social security number and thatmeant the bar had to serve him.

LIZUnless the pig wore sneakers.

KENNETHAbout a year later, my Uncle-Cousingot into trouble for not having aman in front of his car waving ared flag, and his own pig wascalled for jury duty. So he killedthat pig to get a miss-trial, and

thats when they charged him withmurder.

Liz is madly scribbling onto her pad.

LIZHang on, hang on, so the pig getscalled to serve on the jury. Thenyour Uncle kills him.

KENNETH(correcting)

Uncle-Cousin.

LIZ(writing)

Uncle-Cousin, great! And thatswhen he gets charged with murder.

KENNETHWere really hoping he makes parolethis year.

LIZThank you, Oh Great Kennuthian!

Kenneth smiles - recognition! But for what?

EXT. STREET - NEW DAY12 12

Establish new day as people head to work. Liz is amongstthem, still madly scribbling down and changing her newsketch, inspired by Kenneth. Shes passed by others who arehead down in the same way, but texting on phones. No-one islooking where theyre going and they bump off each other.

12.


14/36

Liz is so engrossed in what shes doing, she fails to see afountain ahead of her and walks into the retaining wall,falling into the water. A nearby security guard laughs as hecaptures the whole thing on his Iphone.

INT. WRITERS ROOM - LATER13 13PETE and the writers are huddled around a computer watching arecording of Jennas interview from earlier that morning. Lizenters, flustered.

LIZ(annoyed)

Am I already on Youtube?

She notices Jenna on computer screen and comes closer tolook. Pete spots her.

PETEJennas interview from thismorning.

Pete punches up the volume. Tracey is passing and hovers atthe door on hearing Jennas interview with ANN CURRY.

JENNA(on screen)

People like seeing fat people ontelevision because it makes therest of us normal humans feel

better about ourselves.LIZ

Jenna!

ANN CURRY(on screen)

I get the feeling youre trying tobe loyal to your show, but itsactually the writers who put wordsin your mouth, isnt it?

JENNA

(on screen)What do you mean?

ANN CURRY(on screen)

Its the writers and not you whoare ultimately responsible for thecontent of the show?

13.


15/36

JENNA(on screen)

Oh, no. I write everything I say onthe show myself. Im that talented.

Pete stops the recording.

TOOFERWhat did she say!

LUTZ(over)

She writes everything?!

FRANK(over)

She thinks this is the coffee room!

PETE

Okay, everyone calm down. I dontwant this turning into a thing.

TRACEYI will not calm down! She doesntwrite the show. What she said is abig fat lie. Get me an interview,Liz Lemon!

RACHELWay to go, Tracey!

LIZ

You want an interview? Really?TRACEY

Yes! I do. Its the Principal... ofmy juvenile detention centre whosaid never ever lie... or dont getcaught.

LIZIll tee it up for you.

TRACEYAny time. As long as its today at

4, after my nap.He exits. Liz looks to her disgruntled writers.

LIZPetes right about not making thisa thing. We have much moreimportant problems at the moment.

14.


16/36

LUTZWere good.

PETE(surprised)

You are? (then) Great! Then my job

here is done. Except, I came in toask if anyones seen my chair?

LIZDid you have a memo to see Jackthis morning?

PETEHow did you know?

LIZLucky guess.

As Pete exits, Liz goes to her office and sees her chair ismissing.

LIZ (CONTD)Pete! Wait... Im coming with you.

ACT TWO

INT. ELEVATOR - MOMENTS LATER14 14

A worried/annoyed Pete pushes the button over and over as thedoors close. Liz stands by his side - shes just told him ofJacks new chair/meeting policy.

PETEHe treats us like little kids. Whatif I have something more importantthan coming to see him first thing?

LIZTheres nothing more important inJacks world.

PETEIts my chair, Liz. Im going tostand up to him this time. Imgoing to tell him he needs to treatus with respect.

LIZ(with admiration)

Great! Well stand up to himtogether.

15.

(MORE)


17/36

(re-thinking) Me just behind youand a little out of Jacks line ofsight.

INT. JACKS OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER15 15

Pete and Liz enter. Jack is flipping through the focus testreport of cut squares, puzzled and taped back together.

JACKLemon, Pete, as punctual as ever.

LIZWe didnt have much choice.

JACKGood to see you both for ourmeeting.

LIZYou may not say that when you hearwhat Pete has to say.

She turns to Pete, who wilts.

PETEWhat can we help you with, Jack?

Liz shows her disappointment. Jack reads whats happened andsmiles - still Alpha in this room. Liz wont let Pete give upso easily.

LIZTell him what you said about thechairs.

Jack reads the play and cuts it off.

JACKThe chairs, as I was explaining toHank here....

We see the smiling HANK HOOPER sitting on a chair at the farend of Jacks office.

JACK (CONTD)...are part of my new initiative.

HANK(smiling)

And I like it. Always make sure youhave enough chairs for unexpectedmeetings, like this one. Please,everyone, sit.

16.

LIZ (CONT'D)


18/36

They take chairs and sit, Jack joins them.

JACKHank has spent the last two dayspainstakingly patching the focustest he found back together.

Jack passes the patched focus test to Liz.

HANK(smiling)

And I hope my expression conveyshow angry I am about this helpfulinformation literally being flusheddown the crapper.

JACKI told Hank the two of you wereresponsible.

LIZOf course you did.

PETEWell, Liz is really. Not me.

LIZ(stunned)

Wha...?

PETEThe focus test was about content

and thats Lizs thing.HANK

(smiling)But youre the producer. Id bevery disappointed to hear you donttake an interest in whats in yourown show?

Pete squirms.

PETEI do. What I meant was,... I go

over every line with Liz. But myjobs to create from what she givesme.

LIZI thought you had a problem withthe chairs?

17.


19/36

PETEOnly because I didnt think ofJacks great idea about unscheduledmeetings myself.

Staring at Pete with disgust. Pete avoids her eyes - ashamed

of himself.HANK

(an even bigger smile)Well, thats that then. Im sureyou can read my face and tellwhats coming, Miss Lemon. And itso pains me because I like you, butbusiness is business...

JACKWait! Before you fire Lemon...

LIZFire me?!

JACK.. You should at least hear why shereduced your focus test to toiletpaper. Lemon?

On the spot, all eyes on her, her job in her hands.

LIZOkay. Well, Its quite simplereally. (buying time) You saw the

last focus test?HANK

(smiling)I did. And if I wasnt about tofire you Id be talking to Jackabout giving the people involvedpens instead of crayons.

JACKUnfortunately Hank, even though wepay these focus test companies alot of money, they get to run their

own poll. For some reason, on thatone, they chose to poll democratswho wanted to express theirthoughts creatively rather thanwrite them down in any coherentmanner.

18.


20/36

HANKI shake my head at those people,Jack, truly I do. Why cant theyjust tell us what theyre thinking?Look at the hybrid car. Do theywant us using gas or not? How hard

is it to make a clear decision?

JACKYoure preaching to the choir,Hank. But I think Lemon wasexplaining why you shouldnt fireher.

Liz looks worried - although shes had time to think.

LIZ(making it up as she goes)

I was. And as I was saying, you saw

the crayon focus test as have thewriters, of course. Its now in ourroom for reference. The toiletpaper focus test was the one beforethe last one. I put it in thecubicles to make sure the writersread it again.

A moment as Hank weighs this up.

HANKWell now, thats quite aninteresting idea. Forced reading of

company documents.

JACKI told you she had potential.

PETEThats one of the decisions we madetogether.

Pete is ignored by all, except Liz who growls at him with alook. Pete still cant look at her.

HANK

It seems I may have jumped the gunby wanting to fire you, Miss Lemon.Jack said you were a keeper but Iwasnt sure. Apologies Jack. Infuture Ill know to trust yourjudgment.

19.


21/36

JACKAlways happy to put your mind atrest, Hank.

HANKIm looking forward to this weeks

show, Miss Lemon.LIZ

Youre going to be there?

HANKYou couldnt keep me away. Jacktells me you have some terrific newsketches. Possibly our firstfranchise!

LIZJack would know.

HANKThats good news! Im glad we hadthis chance to chat. Im one happyman. Everythings just great!

Hank exits the office - happy, as always.

PETENew sketches?

LIZWell talk downstairs.

PETEOkay. And just so you know, I wasabout to jump in and fight for you.

A withering look from Liz.

JACKPete, take your chair and get out.

PETEAbsolutely. Great meeting, Jack.Really constructive.

JACKPete.

Pete freezes, he was almost out... Jack comes close.

JACK (CONTD)Flexible, maliable, spineless - Imay have underestimated you as aproducer.

20.


22/36

A compliment - an insult? Petes not sure.

PETEThanks, Jack.

JACK

Now go.PETE

Of course.

Pete exits with his chair.

LIZ(proud)

You said I had potential? That Iwas a keeper?

JACKI say a lot of things in a lot ofmeetings, Lemon. Some of it true,some of it a total load of focustest. But you were impressive justnow. You took almost certain defeatand turned it into personaladvantage. It was very...executive of you.

LIZ(gloating - almostsinging)

You think I have potential. You

think that Im a keeper.JACK

Take your chair and get out Lemon.

LIZSure thing Jack.

She does - and exits.

INT. LATE SHOW WITH JIMMY FALLON - GREEN ROOM - AFTERNOON16 16

Grizz and Dot Com both have tubes of Pringles chips and arepulling out chips to show to Tracey.

GRIZZNot broken.

DOT COMNot broken.

21.


23/36

GRIZZNot broken.

Tracey sits looking annoyed.

JIMMY FALLON enters.

JIMMYHey guys, just checking in.

TRACEYWhy your chips not broken, JimmyFallon?

Jimmy holds up yet another tube of Pringles and looks to thecamera.

JIMMYBecause Pringles chips are stacked,not stuffed. No-one likes a brokenchip.

TRACEYThat is so true.

JIMMYListen, Tracey, thrilled to haveyou, goes without saying, but Ijust wanted to check it wouldnt belike last time when you fell asleepon me.

TRACEYI was making a documentary aboutbeing a man with a sleep disorder.It was funny. But only I got thejoke. Sorry you wasnt in on it.

JIMMYRight. Funny. Its just the timebefore that you sliced up my couch.

TRACEYIt attacked me with its comfiness!

JIMMYBut the other guests were still onit and we got sued, so were alittle nervous. You understand.

TRACEYIm here on serious business, JimmyFallon.

22.


24/36

JIMMYGreat. What is it?

TRACEYJenna told people she writes theshow. Im here to tell the truth.

JIMMYOoooh, controversy. Nice. And itllbe funny, right?

TRACEYWhen have I not been funny?

JIMMYNever Tracey. Thats why youre ourfavorite.

TRACEY

I like you Jimmy Fallon.JIMMY

And I like you, Tracey. But youalso scare me a little. Were goingto have a good one, right?

TRACEYA good what?

Jimmy looks worried. Tracey stares at him - confused.

INT. PETES OFFICE - LATER17 17

An angry Liz comes into Petes office where hes at his deskworking.

LIZNo, Pete...!

She goes straight to her chair and takes it - ready to wheelit out. Petes incredibly relieved to see her.

PETE(over)

Where have you been?! Ive beenlooking everywhere for you.

LIZ(over)

..I put up with chair-napping fromJack because hes Jack, but notfrom you!

23.


25/36

PETEWe have a problem.

LIZI only deal with content, remember?

PETEI have a copy of Traceys interviewwith Jimmy.

Lizs attitude changes to fear.

LIZAre we being sued?

PETENo.

LIZHe was arrested?

PETEWorse.

LIZHe killed Jimmy?

PETEJust watch.

Pete begins the recording on his computer. ON SCREEN: Traceyis seated in interview with Jimmy Fallon.

CUT TO:

INT. JIMMY FALLONS LATE SHOW - TRACEYS INTERVIEW18 18

Traceys seated, mid conversation with Jimmy at his desk.

TRACEYNone of its true. She doesntwrite hardly anything. I do.

JIMMYYou write TGS with Tracey Jordan?

TRACEYNot everything. But more thanJenna.

JIMMYWow! Theres no end to your talent.

24.


26/36

TRACEYNo, theres not, Jimmy Fallon.

JIMMYBut Jenna does write some? So itwasnt a total lie. How much would

you say she writes?TRACEY

You want me to mathematicalize?

JIMMYSure, why not.

TRACEYI would say she writes fiftypercent.

JIMMY

Thats quite a lot. How much do youwrite?

TRACEYThe other fifty percent.

JIMMYWhat do the writers do?

TRACEYThey write the in between words.

JIMMYWhat are the in between words?

TRACEYThe ones that arent funny.

Audience laughs.

JIMMYThat sounds like an easy gig?

TRACEYIt is. They get paid for sittingand smelling funny.

CUT TO:

INT. PETES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS19 19

Pete stops the recording. Liz deflates.

LIZCrap!

25.


27/36


Liz walks in to find the writers watching the end of Traceysinterview. ON COMPUTER SCREEN: While being interviewed byJimmy, Tracey has fallen asleep.

JIMMY(on screen)Tracey?

Jimmy looks to camera.

JIMMY (CONTD)(on screen)

This is a bit. Its part of hisdocumentary where he falls asleepeverywhere. Tracey? Wake up, werenot buying it!

Nothing. Jimmy leans across and jiggles Traceys shoulder.Tracey wakes with a start, pulls a knife from his jacket andstabs the couch repeatedly with a scream. The recording endsand the angry writers look to Liz, she squirms.

LIZIts just Tracey. You know whathes like.

RACHELHe said they write the whole show!

FRANK

All we do is smell funny.LIZ

Ive been meaning to talk to youabout that, Frank.

TOOFEREveryone pass Liz the final draftsfor tonights show.

They hand across pages. She looks.

LIZBlank.

TOOFERAnd theyre staying blank until weget an apology.

LUTZOr they show us this amazingwriting of theirs.

26.


28/36

LIZPlease guys, any other day. Hankscoming to watch us do the showtonight. I promise well sort thisout tomorrow?

RACHELYou say that every week.

LIZBecause we have a disaster everyweek.

FRANKAnd we still get the show done,then we have a party and we neverfix any of the problems.

LIZ

You want me to cancel the party?TOOFER/LUTZ/FRANK/RACHEL

No!

LIZThen I want to see your finaldrafts in one hour. Heres mycontribution.

Liz hands over her pages.

INT. TRACEYS DRESSING ROOM - LATER21 21

Liz has Jenna and Tracey in the room for a serious chat.Grizz and Dot Com are on the couch licking Pringles chips.

GRIZZFlavor

DOT COMNo flavor.

They place them in respective piles and continue quietlythroughout the meeting.

LIZThe writers have seen yourinterviews.

TRACEYDid they laugh?

27.


29/36

JENNAI thought you were particularlygood, Tracey. Especially the partwhere you talked about me.

TRACEY

What did I say?JENNA

About how I write the show. Itsnice to finally be acknowledged.

LIZJenna! You dont write the show.

JENNAI speak the words, which is likewriting it.

LIZNo, its not! The writers want anapology.

JENNAFor what?

LIZFor saying you write the show. Theywant you to admit thats not trueor prove it by writing a script fortonights show in...(looks at herwatch) one hour.

Traceys fallen asleep.

LIZ (CONTD)Tracey?


Liz enters to find the writers all huddled around her pages.

TOOFERWhat are you trying to do to us?

LIZWhat now?

LUTZThis! (her pages) Were trying tomake a point to those two and youcome up with the best skit wevedone in weeks.

28.


30/36

FRANKMonths.

RACHELEver!

LIZ(flattered)

Really? Well... thats because Ima professional. And the fact HankHooper is coming to see the show towork out who should be fired, hadnothing to do with it.

The writers snap to work.

TOOFERI liked Obama as a Rasterfarian.

RACHELWhere he gets baked and turns intoGeorge Bush?

FRANKAnd the financial meltdown in thefifties.

LUTZOne giant Fonzie scheme.

Liz smiles - crisis averted.

INT. LIZS OFFICE - LATER23 23

ON COMPUTER SCREEN: Youtube. Liz falls into the fountain. Lizis typing a comment.

LIZ(Speaking what she types)

Writing on paper with a pen doesnot make someone a fossil,@boobaliscious14.

Tracey and Jenna come in. Jenna drops a script for TGS onLizs desk.

TRACEYWe worked our fingers to the bone,Miss Lemon.

JENNABoth of us.

29.


31/36

TRACEYIt has the same exact pages as lastweek.

JENNAWe counted to make sure.

Liz flips some pages - childrens drawings in crayon.

LIZThis is the artwork from the daycare centre. The audience aresmarter than this.

TRACEYBut we had them make it exactly thesame as you - exactly!

INT. INSERT DAY CARE CENTRE24 24

Four CHILD WRITERS are seated around an almost identicaltable as the TGS writers and dressed identical to them -laptops open. They throw things at each other and laugh.Jenna and Tracey supervise.

JENNACan we please try to concentrate?!

TRACEYNo, be more whiny.

Jenna sets herself to go into frustrated Liz meltdown mode.

JENNAGuys, concentrate! Ughhhh!

CHILD WRITER FRANK has been picking his nose. He holds outhis finger.

CHILD FRANKBooger anyone?

INT. LIZS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS25 25

Liz takes sympathy on Tracey and Jenna.

LIZIts not as easy as we make itlook. My guys have years of writingexperience. You cant expect justanyone to do what they do.

30.


32/36

Through Lizs open door we see the writers working at theirtable. Frank has been picking his nose and holds out hisfinger.

FRANKBooger anyone?

Liz brave faces.

EXT. ESTABLISHING SHOT - NIGHT26 26

INT. STUDIO - TGS SHOW TAPING - NIGHT27 27

The show finishes and everyone takes their bows. Liz lookswith concern to Kenneth who is clapping wildly.

JENNASee you next week, everyone.

TRACEYWhats happening next week?

Jenna waves with the rest of the cast. Tracey follows herlead. Music plays out the show. Jack and Hank come to Liz.

JACKLemon, good news. Hank is pleased.

HANK(without a smile)

Pleased does not even begin to

describe it. I have never beenhappier. Whos responsible for thepig in the jury piece?

LIZThat would be me.

HANKWell let me say, congratulations. Ismell a movie franchise. Yes, I do.Im going to make some calls.

Hank moves away.

JACKIm proud of you Lemon. Usuallyyoud get all consciouncey on me,but you just grabbed that glory foryourself. Well done.

LIZI really did write that bit, Jack.

31.


33/36

JACKGood God, Lemon, you actually havetalent! You surprise me more andmore everyday.

Jack notes Lizs worried face.

JACK (CONTD)Why arent you pleased? Youre ahit!

LIZI did something bad.

Jack snaps into serious conspiracy mode.

JACKHow bad?

LIZThe worst.

JACKThe important thing is not topanic. (Jack goes to his phone) Ihave a guy who can fix it. Wheresthe body now?

Liz looks to him with shock.

LIZWhat body?

JACK(recanting)

What body?

LIZYou said body?

JACKNo, I didnt. You said you didsomething bad.

LIZI did. The pig bit, I did write it,but it was Kenneths idea. I usedit without asking him.

JACKHere.

Jack pulls out a contract and hands it to her.

32.


34/36

JACK (CONTD)I carry these with me at all times.Get him to sign it. It waives allrights.

LIZ

(reading)For all broadcast platforms, knownand unknown throughout theuniverse?

JACKYou can never be too careful.

INT. CORRIDOR - LATER28 28

An empty corridor. All others are at the wrap party. Lizapproaches Kenneth who is polishing a Viking helmet.

LIZYou enjoyed the show?

KENNETHI surely did, Miss Lemon. I wouldgo so far as to say it was the bestone ever.

LIZPeople did seem to enjoy it. Youremoving fingerprints?

KENNETH(bashful - sotto)

You know me too well.

LIZI wanted to talk to you about thepig sketch.

KENNETHOh, Miss Lemon, that was amazing.Ive never laughed so hard in mylife!

LIZBecause you related?

KENNETHSorry?

LIZTo the story. Because its whathappened with your Uncle/Cousin?

33.


35/36

KENNETHWhat ever do you mean?

LIZIt was your story, Kenneth. Exactlyas you told me. You must be mad at

me, right?Kenneth laughs with pity.

KENNETHOh, Miss Lemon. You can be so funnysometimes. That story and my storyare completely different.

LIZThey are?

KENNETH

Of course! My Uncle/Cousins pigwas a Choctaw. The pig in the showwas clearly a Duroc. How couldanyone get those two mixed up?

LIZI guess to someone like me all pigslook the same.

A slick suit wearing guy, almost identical to the first,walks past and spots Liz.

SLICK EXECUTIVE#2

Hey, babe. You coming to the party?She looks with thought.

LIZSure, why not.

And they walk off together. The slick guy is quick to throwan arm around Liz - he squeezes her ass.

LIZ (CONTD)Hey!

SLICK EXECUTIVE#2Fine, Ill wait until I get a drinkin you.

LIZAh, whos kidding who?

She moves his hand back to her ass as they walk off. Kennethis alone. He looks over the empty corridor, then sneakilyputs on the helmet.

34.


36/36

KENNETHI have not been able to find yourfather, fair maiden, so handholding will have to wait!

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW

35.

Documents

30rock - Scriptapalooza - Scott Norton