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WEEKEND EDITION04.01.17 - 04.02.17Volume 16 Issue 120
TODAY IS APRIL 1, APRIL FOOLS’ DAY. IT’SAPRIL FOOLS’ TODAY.
@smdailypress @smdailypress Santa Monica Daily Press smdp.com
Todd Mitchell“ Your Neighborhood is My Neighborhood.”
CalBRE# 00973400(310) 899-3521©2016 Coldwell Banker Real Estate LLC. All Rights Reserved.
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BY DEVELOPER BACKED LOBBYIST
Santa Monica’s professionalcomplaint association wants thepeople that keep winning electionsto know they plan to lay down thelaw with their latest ballot initiative.
The Losers As Winners (LAW)measure would require winners ofelections to adopt the positions oflosing candidates. It also stipulatesa ballot measure would still passinto law regardless of the electionresults provided enough peoplethought it would pass on Facebook.
“We can’t let people who winelections keep behaving as if theyrepresent a majority of voters,” saidIva Gottacomplaint from the
BY NON RESIDENT INTERESTS
Traffic planners have appliedfor a grant to install a new set ofspecialized traffic lights at the endof the Santa Monica Pier to pre-pare for an expected surge in boat-ing traffic along the coast as a
result of land-bound congestion.The lights will provide right of
way instructions for boaters lookingto pass within 40 feet of the tip of thepier and will include turn-lanes forboats attempting to access the SantaMonica Pier. The new lights comewith an underwater extension that
officials expect will be utilized bydivers/swimmers but could be adapt-ed to accommodate submersiblecraft should traffic on the surfaceprompt an Atlantian solution.
“The reality is, you could justswim from the Marina to Malibuin less time than it takes to drive so
it’s only a matter of time beforefolks decide a water based com-mute makes sense,” said Captain A.Hab, Santa Monica’s HarborTraffic Officer.
Los Angeles has been ranked as
SEE MEASURE PAGE 6
BY PLAGERIZING HACK
Santa Monica’s long simmeringHedge Wars have opened a new frontwith a proposal to allow fortifiedhedges along neighborhood borders.
Officials expect the push fordistrict based elections will furtherisolate individual neighborhoodsand with many homes along thecity’s northern border alreadyfunctioning as fortified com-pounds, officials are anticipating apush from wealthy residents to fur-ther limit access.
SEE HEDGE PAGE 7
BY CORPORATE SHILL
Spaced X has announced plansto relocate its launch center fromthe Kennedy Space Center in CapeCanaveral, Florida to the newlyshortened runway at SantaMonica Airport.
“Now that the airport runway istoo short for rich people to hog itwith their chartered jets, wethought it was the perfect place forprivate citizens to begin their vaca-tions around the moon,” CityManager Rich Cool said in a state-ment sent to the Daily Press.
While jets can no longer utilizethe 3,500 foot runway, it is the per-fect size for Spaced X’s FalconHeavy rocket. Because of the 5 mil-lion pounds of liftoff thrust, neigh-bors are advised to bring any flam-mable patio furniture indoors dur-ing the overnight launches.
“Wait – the City actually short-ened the runway?” exclaimed sur-prised Sunset Park resident JudySwanson, wondering what she wasgoing to do with the extensiveposter board and sharpie collec-tion she had stocked for the nextten years of airport protests.
In a nod to environmentalists,the highly combustible rocket-fuelused in the launches does not con-tain lead. Any rocket debris recov-ered in yards, atop cars or thatplummets through your ceilingcan be recycled with the City inexchange for a drought-resistant
SEE ROCKET PAGE 3
SEE CONGESTION PAGE 3
Pho TashopLAUNCH: A shorter runway doesn’t matter when you’re making a vertical takeoff.
Rocket launches scheduled for Santa Monica Airport
City moving to prevent aquatic congestion
Hedge Warsheat up withfortification
proposal
Ballot measuredemands losersbe treated as
election winners
ALPHONSOBJORN.COM424.253.5489
YOUR SANTA MONICA LUXURY REAL ESTATE SPECIALISTS
Calendar2 WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017 Visit us online at www.smdp.com
What’s Up
WestsideOUT AND ABOUT IN SANTA MONICA
For help submitting an event, contact us at 310-458-7737 or submit to [email protected]
Saturday, April 1Not a Joke anymore (fromApril 1, 2016)‘Preparing for Defeat: The InevitableElection of Donald Trump’Attend a lecture/support group spon-sored by the Santa Monica Democrats.Topics include how to move to Canada,secession for liberals and what the hell ishappening to our nation? Tissues will beprovided.
How to throw a social mediatantrumAre your social media tantrums just notgetting the traction you want? Are peo-ple just ignoring your digital bile? Learnstrategies for making yourself evenmore annoying and ways to attractfanatics/fanboys/failures to your cause.
Kite Flying WorkshopLet’s go fly a kite. Up to the highestheight. Let’s go fly a kite and send itsoaring. Up through the atmosphere. Upwhere the air is clear. Oh, let’s go fly akite!
Finger Puppet workshopYou know which finger you want to work.Get ideas to dress up your finger for theright occasion. Perhaps a nice little bicy-cle helmet for the drivers who travel inthe bike lane or some oversized head-phones for guy next to you on the bus.
How to Blame ExpoDid you stub your toe yesterday? Wasyour cereal box less full than normal?Did the barber part your hair on thewrong side? Come learn how to blameExpo for all your problems. Initial topicswill cover tenuous factual foundationsand will conclude with deliberate obfus-cation of relevant explanations.
Nail Salon Grand OpeningJoin owner Fungi B. Gone at the GrandOpening of the city’s 500th nail salon.How many stores can charge $50 to
soak your questionably clean feat incommunal tepid water and apply harshchemicals to the part of your body youuse to put food in your mouth?Apparently a great many.
Everything was better when Iwas a kidHear self-important author/historian/activist discuss how it was better when hewas a kid. Learn the revisionist historybehind landmarks important only to thosewho built them and reminisce about thetimes when blatant racism, sexism, homo-phobia and general bigotry were part of ahappier time in America.
CULA H.I.A seminarThe CULA Proctology Department willhost the annual Head In Ass Summit thisweekend. Come hear from industry lead-ing experts on this nationwide epidemicand its associated conditions, TalkingFrom The Butt, Crappy Opinions andPoop That Doesn’t Stink.
Neverending yardsale storyVisit one of the perpetual uselessgarbage sales populating the Wilmontneighborhood to purchase items sellersconsider trash and/or probably pur-chased from a different perpetual yardsale the week before.
Foraged Food fondueWalk the city with some of the localstreet gourmets to gather ingredientsfrom the free resources available includ-ing local seaweed, freeway weeds, medi-an squirrel and all the palm fronds youcan eat.
Drivers Ed for Lyft/UberDriversDo you think driving 5 miles an houralong Olympic while looking for your fareis legal? Have you made a 15 point turnin traffic? Do you think hazard lightsmake it OK to park in the middle of thestreet? If so, you’re probably a ridesharedriver and need remedial driver training.
To be added to the list,
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Write SUBSCRIBER in the Subject Line.
Please include your name and address in the email.(310) 458-7737 | 1640 5TH STREET, SUITE 218
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BY JEFFREY I. GOODMAN
Daily Press Staff Writer
Coming out of college with a
business degree, Timothy Ballaret
immediately jumped into a career
WEDNESDAY
9.09.15Volume 14 Issue 258
@smdailypress Santa Monica Daily Press smdp.com
WHAT’S UP WESTSIDE ..................PAGE 2
LETTER TO THE EDITOR ..............PAGE 4
TONGVA DANCE PERFORMANCE PAGE 5
LABOR DAY CHAMPS ....................PAGE 7
MYSTERY PHOTO ............................PAGE 9
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BY MATTHEW HALL
Daily Press Editor
Complaints against
Councilwoman Pam O’Connor
filed by a local activist organization
have been forwarded to the Los
Angeles County District Attorney’s
office for review.
The Santa Monica Coalition for
a Livable City filed a complaint last
month against O’Connor alleging
violations of the City Charter in
connection with the firing of
Elizabeth Riel and at least one part
of that complaint has been sent to
the county.
Riel was offered a position with
the City of Santa Monica in 2014,
only to have the offer rescinded
before her first day of work. Riel
sued the city and the case was set-
SEE ATHLETIC PAGE 6
SEE SMCLC PAGE 7
BY MATTHEW HALL
Daily Press Editor
Prices are going up for the Big Blue
Bus and officials are holding a public
meeting on Sept. 10 to preview changes
and hear public feedback.
BBB will host a meeting from 6-7:30
p.m. at the Main Library (601 Santa
Monica Blvd.) to update customers on its
proposed fare updates and service
changes.According to staff, BBB will be adding
11 percent more service over the next 12
months as part of the Evolution of Blue
campaign to provide connections to the
upcoming Expo Light Rail Line.
To offset costs and bring some if its
products inline with regional averages, the
base fare will increase by $0.25 to $1.25
per ride. Express fares increase to $2.50
(50 cent increase), seniors/disabled fares
will be unchanged, tokens will increase to
$1.25 (25 cent increase), day passes are
unchanged, the 13-ride ticket increases to
$14 ($2 increase), a 30-day pass goes to
$50 ($10 decrease), a youth 30-day pass
drops to $38 ($2 decrease), an express 30-
day increases to $89 ($9 increase). A new
rolling 7-day pass will be available for $14.
According to the staff report, the goal is to
incentivize prepaid media and limit the
amount of cash transactions as a means of
increasing efficiency. Currently, cash cus-
tomers take an average of 23 seconds to
board while prepaid customers take less than
4 seconds.“Currently, 2 percent of customers use
30-day passes, 2 percent use 13-ride pass-
es, 3 percent use day passes, and 1 percent
use tokens,” said the staff report. “These
low percentages of current prepaid fare
media use are directly attributable to the
BBB outreaching to explain fare increasesCase against
O’Connor forwarded to
County District
Attorney
File Photo
CHANGES COMING: There will be a meeting on Sept. 10 at the Main Library to discuss impending fare increases at the Big Blue Bus.
SEE PRICE PAGE 6
New AD pursuing
his passions
at SamohiBallaret left finance
career for athletics
administration
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WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
Local3Visit us online at www.smdp.com
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the worst city for traffic with local com-muters spending more than 104 hours a yearin congestion, more than any other city inthe world. A recent study by global trafficengineers ranked more than 250 domesticcities and more than 1,000 worldwide. LosAngeles outstripped similar cities like NewYork and San Francisco.
Many drivers along the North/Southroute end or begin their trips outside citylimits and with ever increasing gridlock ondry land, more and more commuters areseeking radical alternatives.
“If my choice is between one of the free-ways or wearing a wetsuit, launching a boat,paddling it by hand 7 miles, dragging thatboat to shore, changing out of the wetsuit andthen walking to work, it seems like the boat isway easier,” said surfer dude Nemo Dory.
Officials said many of the city’s existingmobility efforts can be easily adapted for awater-based commute. Santa Monica’songoing efforts to promote bicycles can beapplied to the existing water-bikes availablefor rent in Marina Del Rey and there’s prece-dent for a water bus that could become partof a new Big Blue Bus operation.
Critics questioned why a signal lightwould be necessary to control traffic across atransit lane as vast as the ocean but plannerssaid there’s no reason to expect boaters to beany better than drivers when it comes to thelogical operation of their vehicle and citedthe cluster parking problem as an example.
A single car will enter a lot and park any-where. The second or third car into the lotwill inexplicably choose to park adjacent tothe first, creating a cluster of cars in a seat ofempty spaces.
“We expect to see the same phenomenonon the water as occurs on land with driversseemingly unable to understand how to
operate a vehicle with other vehicles nearby,”said traffic engineer Jack Crabstew.
If funding is secured for the lights, staffwould look for additional money to begin asecond phase of aquatic upgrades.
Phase 2 would install mooring buoys,similar to those used on Catalina Island,adjacent to the Pier. While no municipalferry service would be offered to offloadboats, it’s anticipated ride sharing services
will quickly develop an app to provide dingyrides to and from the ocean-parked boats.
The boatsharing service is one of severalexpected economic opportunities associatedwith boat travel. O’Neil has alreadyexpressed an interested in a wet-to-dry suitline that would accommodate the busy busi-ness boater and there is discussion of a larg-er ocean-bound expansion.
“Communities like Shanghai have suc-
cessfully developed their waterways intoaffordable housing resources and I think thenext step for Santa Monica is to move asmany people onto floating communities aspossible,” said Councilmember Ariel Triton.
The proposal is expected to take severalyears to implement, require no less than 35public hearings and engender a protest fromresidents who did not attend any of themeetings.
Pho TashopBARGING IN: With roadways increasingly unusable, commuters are expected to begin using boats to travel up and down the local coast.
CONGESTIONFROM PAGE 1
plant rebate as long as you are a SantaMonica resident.
If its first test launch is successful, FalconHeavy will be the most powerful vehicle toreach orbit since the Saturn V Moon rocket,spewing the equivalent amount of rocketfuel of 35,654 years of jet operations at SMOon its way out of earth’s orbit.
Two folks way richer than you will even-tually ride Falcon Heavy around the moon,making your recent vacation to Santa Cruzseem ridiculously lame. The City will beproviding commemorative earplugs to near-
by residents for a $10 fee.Spaced X CEO Eloon Musket decided to
move the private rocket program toCalifornia because Florida weather is toounreliable and the people are just plaincrazy.
“Counting down to the first Spaced Xlaunch from sunny Santa Monica this sum-mer. The burning flames of rocket thrustersshould torch any June gloom within 5 mileradius,” Musket tweeted.
NASA wanted to keep the program atCape Canaveral, but could not completewith the high salaries and generous pensionsprograms Santa Monica is offering astro-nauts as part of the LaunchSaMo recruit-ment program. City Manager Rich Cool,
known for his progressive politics and inno-vative ideas, announced his plans to becomethe first city manager to send a constituentaround the moon on his daily Snapchat Vlogpost.
“The key to build affordable housing is tolocate it on another planet,” Cool said, rec-ognizable only by his member’s only jacketbeneath the Snapchat alien animated filter.“We view this as a scouting mission.”
As far as the City’s promise to turn theairport into a park, as the thruster’s 5,800degree flames torch all surrounding vegeta-tion, the ashes will be collected and placed inthe ocean to help develop a network ofunderwater parks.
“We said we would build a park, we just
didn’t specify where,” City CouncilmemberSunshine Summer said at a recent overnightCity Council meeting held underneath theSanta Monica Pier. “This park will be invalu-able to longtime Santa Monica residents likekelp bass, rockfish, and swell sharks.”
While Musket initially planned to devel-op Falcon Heavy with private capital, theCity generously sponsored the project at thelast minute in exchange for allowing a localartist to paint Santa Monica’s famous mer-maid crest on the side of a rocket booster.
The proposal is expected to take severalyears to implement, require no less than 35public hearings and engender a protest fromresidents who did not attend any of themeetings.
ROCKETFROM PAGE 1
Local4 WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017 Visit us online at www.smdp.com
OPINIONS EXPRESSED are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of the Santa Monica Daily Press staff. Guest editorials from residents are encouraged, as are letters to the editor. Letters to the Editor can be submitted to [email protected]. Receipt of a letter does not guaranteepublication and all content is published at the discretion of the paper. All letters and guest editorials are subject to editing for space and content. All submissions must include the author’s name, address and phone number for the purposes of verification.
PRESIDENTRoss Furukawa
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EDITOR IN CHIEFMatthew Hall
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The Santa Monica Daily Press publishesMonday - Saturday with a circulation of 10,000on weekdays and 11,000 on the weekend. TheDaily Press is adjudicated as a newspaper ofgeneral circulation in the County of LosAngeles and covers news relevant to the Cityof Santa Monica. The Daily Press is a memberof the California Newspaper Publisher’sAssociation, the National NewspaperAssociation and the Santa Monica Chamber ofCommerce. The paper you’re reading this on iscomposed of 100% post consumer content andthe ink used to print these words is soy based.We are proud recipients of multiple honors foroutstanding news coverage from the CaliforniaNewspaper Publishers Association as well as aSanta Monica Sustainable Quality Award.
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Lunch Relief ProgramThe City of Santa Monica has opened applications for its new Lunch Relief Program.
As part of the city’s efforts to subsidize life for residents, the city will be providing a $10coupon to residents to help them afford lunch in the city. The money can be applied toany eatery that meets the city’s rules regarding sustainability and health-consciouschoices but will not be accepted anywhere that serves food affordable to someone on anaverage salary.
Staff examined the most popular lunch choices within the city and determined theallowance would drop the price of an organic tofu and acai bowl to about $25, decreasethe cost of a charcoal-beet-elderflower juice to $15 or cover the service charge to havea $5 sandwich delivered.
Parking policy revisionCity Hall will revise its parking calculations to account for drivers who treat intersec-
tions as parking spaces. Given drivers inability to keep intersections clear, particularly atintersections downtown and near the freeway, officials have decided to stop fighting forclear streets and take advantage of driver’s desire to remain stationary in their vehicles.Under the new formula, the square footage of a congested intersection will be divided bythe average car length and added to the city’s parking database.
In a related decision, parking meters will be relocated from the edge of the sidewalkto the center. The move will hopefully provide something for everyone to love (or becausethis is Santa Monica, hate). Casual bike riders will be discouraged from using the sidewalkdue to the new impediments and that could please pedestrians. However, adventurousbicycles can use the new meters as a slalom, increasing their chance of annoying pedes-trians.
New zoning rules mandate business to resident ratioCity Staff have been working on a variety of new planning documents and included in
the upcoming revisions will be a set of rules mandating a ratio of residents to businesses. Selected business classes have been deemed “essential” based on their current
prevalence in the city. Business that Santa Monicans can’t live without include nailsalons, juice bars, gourmet grocery stores, fitness studios, Starbucks and bars serving$15 cocktails.
The precise ratio will vary based on the kind of business and there may be modifiersto some classes. For example, a gym serving cold-pressed juice would count in both cat-egories but a personal trainer charging hundreds of dollars to make you run up publiclyowned steps would not count towards the studio ratio.
The new rules only establish minimums for the selected classes so while residents willbe guaranteed to find a Starbucks within 500 yards of their homes, the rules do not pro-hibit the company from occupying every corner in the city.
Officials said it’s important to maintain Santa Monica’s reputation as a beautiful beachcity filled with people desperate to be pretty on the outside and residents have made itclear they have no interest in additional spiritual enrichments like book stores.
Psychic readings for Chefs seeking guidanceMembers of the Santa Monica restaurant community are turning to the supernatural
to predict the next big food trend. Restaurateurs said food trends have lost all touch with reality and the only way to get
ahead of the curve is to seek otherworldly advice. From “cakes” made of gelatinouswater to $10 toast, it has become impossible to find the limits to foodies’ gullibility.
“People are voluntarily drinking kale like it’s a normal activity,” said Jimmy Beard. “Iate Brussel sprouts yesterday for breakfast. Breakfast. A vegetable with a cooking smellindistinguishable from a gas leak. For breakfast. Who knows what is next?”
Enter the renowned local psychic Ms. FiFi LaChance. La Chance was chosen for her connection to the food world due to her family’s back-
ground in Creole country. A famed soul reader FiFi is 206 (though although that’s a subject of debate because
she has been 206 for a while now), but is still busy helping the lost get found.She said during these confused and anxious times, she can interpret her cards and
intuit your soul to divine secrets and so help lost souls unravel life’s mysteries. Many alost soul has found boo-coo happiness after a session with FiFi and she will be sittingwith chefs searching for a solution to their cooking conundrums.
COMMUNITY BRIEFS
WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
Local5Visit us online at www.smdp.com
BY CITY HALL MOUTHPIECE
The City of Santa Monica is pursuing anew state award for creating and supportingsustainable residents.
Santa Monica’s entry to the competitionwill focus on what officials are calling themost resilient, most sustainable, and mosteco-conscious residents of the city: itshomeless population.
The award will be given based on sever-al categories including a measurement ofresident’s carbon footprint, comparisonsof resource use, contributions to the envi-ronment and the long-term viability oftheir lifestyle.
“Our outdoor centered residents recycleclothes or ‘Pre-Worn’ attire, utilize existingstructures for weather protection, useabsolutely zero energy to warm or coolthemselves and reduce food waste from localbusinesses,” said the city’s award application.
According to the city’s Office of AwardSeeking, they realized many housed residentsaren’t actually interested in environmentalsustainability if it requires them to drive lessor walk more than 100 feet at a time.However, there is a ready-made pool of envi-ronmentally sustainable residents whoalready live a predominantly recycled lifestyle.
“Sometimes getting an award meansbypassing existing rules, laws or commonsense, and we’ll do that if need be, but in thiscase the lack of action from the city has actu-ally paid off in creating this pool of peoplethat we can now be recognized for,” saidAward Procurement specialist Iwanna Win.
As an added bonus, redefining the city’shomeless from a “problem” to “an award-winning community of EnvironmentallySustainable People (ESP)” could justify theexisting indifference to homelessnessexpressed by much of the community and
increase the mental wellbeing of many locals.“While other communities are declaring
homelessness a crisis and embarking on hugeefforts to provide services, Santa Monicanshave chosen to drop homelessness from thepublic dialogue,” said Win. “If we can removethe perception that homelessness is a prob-lem, then residents can still claim to be pro-gressives while ignoring the issue.”
Officials said diverting money from awardseeking programs into problem solving solu-tions wasn’t part of the budget this year.
“We only have a quarter of a billion budg-et so there’s really no money to pay for thekind of services that would actually bringpeople off the streets,” said City ManagerMick Bole.
In addition, officials said trying to housethe homeless would require actual housing,a concept that is opposed by many residents.
“We wouldn’t want to discomfort thoseindividuals who are already living here basedon government controlled housing or thosewho are already living in palatial comfortbut suggesting housing construction inSanta Monica,” said Councilman JimmyHernandez.
While the results of the award applicationwon’t be available for several months, offi-cials are hoping a win could prompt morecreative thinking in pursuit of future awards.
“If the items stolen during the recentincrease in property crime show up for saleonline, we might be able to repurpose theexperience,” said Win. “I’m sure there’ssomething we could win if we pitch SantaMonica providing an incubator environ-ment for scrappy entrepreneurs.”
The proposal is expected to take severalyears to implement, require no less than 35public hearings and engender a protest fromresidents who did not attend any of themeetings.
City seeking new awardsfor sustainable people
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undisclosed location she retreated to afterthe last election.
After spending years claiming to repre-sent a majority of residents despite multiplelosses at the ballot box, some organizers arestarting to fear their choices for success areeither compromise with individuals whothink differently based on rational, respect-ful conversation or make an end run aroundthe current rules.
“If there’s one thing we know, it’s thateveryone that doesn’t already agree with us isautomatically the enemy so this is our onlyoption,” said Gottacomplaint.
Organizers said the LAW initiative main-tains several elements deemed important fora populist missive including a cutesy namethat allows for easy campaign slogans and awillingness to uphold the measure as apanacea for every civic ill.
“Most people won’t care what it actuallysays. We’ll tell people it’s a traffic preventionmeasure, cure for homelessness, environ-mental protection plan and a mandate toreduce food costs,” said co-author Nima Bee.
The measure would also alter the processfor filing any new ballot initiatives. Ratherthan gather signatures in support of a meas-ure, any idea, no matter how bad, wouldqualify for the ballot and signatures would
be gathered only in opposition. Even if amajority were to sign a petition preventing ameasure, the loser-as-winner provisionwould overwrite the opposition, but thenames of people that disagree are mostimportant to organizers.
“It’s important we keep an enemies list onfile so we know who to disparage on socialmedia and personally attack from the safetyof our own organization,” said Bee.
When asked if the measure would createan inverse election with candidates trying tolose (and therefore have their points take upby the winners), organizers said their historyof poor performance and increasing bitter-ness gives them a significant advantage in aloser-takes-all model.
“Our candidates have lost, our ideas lostand we’ve made no efforts adjust the attitudethat alienated voters, I think we’ve got this,”said Gottacomplaint
Opportunistic potential candidates whohave themselves lost races for office arealready desperately vying to become thestandard bearer for the movement.
“As long as this creates a situation thatboosts my ego, I’m all for it,” said the inter-changeable candidates already eyeing the2018 election.
The proposal is expected to take severalyears to implement, require no less than 35public hearings and engender a protest fromresidents who did not attend any of themeetings.
Local6 WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017 Visit us online at www.smdp.com
MEASUREFROM PAGE 1
�� Craft activities
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“The ability to block out people whomake less than you shouldn’t be limited tothe obscenely wealthy and the 1 percent,”said activist Richard Money. “Those of us inthe two percent should also be able to live inour second homes without fear of seeing alate model Honda cruising our streets.”
Representatives from the Not In MyNeighborhood association are petitioningCity Council for a revision to the city’s land-scaping ordinances to allow for fortifiedhedges as a means of protection against fearsof roving middle class citizens possibly withmutts or using shared transit.
“Just last week I saw someone walking adog that clearly wasn’t a miniature poodleand I felt like I was part of an actual city,”said resident Veronica Hotel.
Santa Monica has a long history with theHedge Wars. More than 10 years ago, BillyShriker made hedges a central part of hisentry into local politics. As the son of a localpolitical family, he felt the City’s rulesregarding plant height were onerous anddemanded the ability to hide the less wealthyfrom his view.
A détente was reached allowing existinglarge shrubbery but capping heights on newplantings. The issue regrew during debatesabout the city’s zoning code when the coun-cil debated an exemption to the hedge capsthat would allow gardeners to apply for anincrease in height if approved by theirneighbors.
Hedge War veterans are leery of reopen-ing the battlefront but said Santa Monicans’growing desire to block access to the city anda push at the federal level for nationalism areall powerful forces.
“If we let some of the areas create walledmini-cities it might preempt their desire tocede from the city altogether,” saidCouncilman Barry G’Day.
The NIMN proposal would allow resi-dents who live on the corner of an intersec-tion to create a Joint Hedge DefenseBoundary and extend their landscaping intothe street forming an entry checkpoint.
Refugees/residents of the neighboringareas would only be allowed entry with awork permit for a property within theDefense Boundary or proof of a bankaccount in the seven figures.
The City’s forester would be required toundergo additional training in medievalweaponry to certify the hedges are in com-pliance with a newly created section of citycode.
“If residents apply to add a communitypool/moat, that would be an additionalcommunity benefit and something that wewould consider as a bonus,” said G’Day.
The City’s office of sustainability is hop-ing residents would be willing to modifytheir request to account for water savinggoals. While the traditional hedge plants arelarge leafy green vines with a high-water use,staff are hoping some more water tolerantspecies could be just as unwelcoming.
“We think rows of cactus, particularly thevarieties with large thorns, could provide thedeterrent residents are asking for with mini-mum water use,” said G’Day.
There’s also hope residents could takeinspiration from the popular weaponizedbotany in the Plants Vs. Zombie game whenit comes to choosing their defensive species.
The proposal is expected to take severalyears to implement, require no less than 35public hearings and engender a protest fromresidents who did not attend any of themeetings.
WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
Local7Visit us online at www.smdp.com
HEDGEFROM PAGE 1
8 WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017 A D V E R T I S E M E N T
WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 1-2, 2017
Puzzles & Stuff9Visit us online at www.smdp.com
SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S SUDOKU
SOLUTIONS TO YESTERDAY’S CROSSWORD
Hears to Less Noise■ The Centers for Disease Control esti-mates 22 million American workers areexposed to potentially dangerous noiselevels on the job, adding to roughly $242million in workers’ compensation costsfor hearing loss problems annually.■ The CDC’s National Institute forOccupational Safety and Health (NIOSH)has created a cell phone app to helpemployees measure ambient noisewhere they work. It’s called the NIOSHSound Level Meter and is tailored tomeasuring sound levels in noisy workenvironments like restaurants, con-struction sites and music venues.■ The app is free on Apple’s iTunes, butworks only on iOS systems due to differ-ing microphone and audio/signaling pro-cessing chips and software used byAndroid devices. You can learn more atthe CDC website.
WWeellttsscchhmmeerrzz
1. German. sorrow that one feels and accepts as one’s necessary por-tion in life; sentimental pessimism.
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The first person who can correctly identify where this image was captured wins a prize from theSanta Monica Daily Press. Send answers to [email protected].
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ARIESAre you reading because you want to knowwhat your future looks like? It’s a good thingyou’re in Santa Monica. Today is the best day tovisit a psychic. There is a possibility of you cry-ing when you hear what they have to say. If youdon’t have time to go to a psychic then gowatch The Simpsons. The show has predicatedmultiple real life situations, even Trump winningpresidency. Guess your future is in the hands ofMatt Groening, not in this newspaper.
TAURUSYou definitely woke up on the wrong side of thebed today. Is that the side you always wake upon? Maybe you should switch. That could havebeen the problem this entire time! Perhaps it’stime to buy some more pillows and barricadethat side. Never go back there. It hasn’t doneyou any good. Tonight: sleep somewhere else.
GEMINIHow can I tell if he loves me so? (Is it in his eyes?).Oh no! You’ll be deceived! (Is it in his size?). Oh no!He’ll make believe! If you wanna know, If he lovesyou so, It’s in his kiss! (That’s where it is!)
CANCERYou have been feeling detached from the positionof the planets because the earths axel has been abit off the past 30 days. Well its time for changeand that starts today. You woke up feeling unusu-al, particularly near your heart and its becauselove is coming your way. April 1 is the best day tofind a soul mate using technology, according tothe stars. So download Happn, Coffee MeetsBagel, Bumble, Match.com, OkCupid, and Hingeand you will live happily ever after.
LEOYou know that thing you’ve been thinking ofdoing? No, not that thing. The other thing. Yeah.That’s the one. Now is the time. Go for it. Noregrets. We mean it. Trust us. It’s not that crazy.You can thank us later. Tonight: wear yoga pants.
VIRGOnoH QapmeH wo’ Qaw’lu’chugh yay chavbe’lu’,‘ej wo’ choqmeH may’ DoHlu’chugh lujbe’lu’qaStaHvIS wa’ ram loSSaD Hugh SIjlaH qet-bogh loD meQtaHbogh qachDaq Suv qoH neHtugh qoH nachDaj je chevlu’ta’
LIBRAIf there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t bealarmed now, It’s just a spring clean for theMay queen. Yes, there are two paths you cango by, but in the long run, there’s still time tochange the road you’re on.
SCORPIOEverything was going to go well for you todayuntil the International Space Station blocked theEarth’s view of Jupiter. It’s hard to plan for thistype of scientific disruption in astrology charts,so we’ll just recommend you stay home . Afterall, this could mean you’re about to get hit by abus. Tonight: Marathon old episodes of the WestWing and remember a simpler time in politics.
SAGITTARIUSNowhere nowhere nowhere to go. None of yourmoney will buy you forgiveness. None of your jew-elry, none of your gold, your black market ciga-rettes, your American nightclubs. Ah, they’ve gotnowhere left. Something for nothing. All of yourfriends gone. Something for nothing. That’s all thatyou know. There’s something down in the hole.
CAPRICORN More money can really help your bank account. Inorder to get more money you need to go to work,and stop sleeping through your alarm clocks. Youshould also avoid accidents that can result in highhospital bills. Especially when on a bike. The city islooking pretty dangerous and expensive today withmultiple bike crashes and some lawsuits. Be sure tolook both ways, because your wallet will thank you.
AQUARIUS We would just like to say we’re sorry for tellingyou to break up with your significant other yes-terday. They were probably the best thing youhad in your life. Whoops! Today’s advice: sendflowers and stop reading your horoscope. Let’sbe honest, if these predictions were true we’dput them on the front page. Tonight: standing onyour head makes you upside down Atlas.
PISCESGet up offa that thing, and dance ‘till you feelbetter. Get up offa that thing and dance ‘till you,sing it now! Get up offa that thing, and dance‘till you feel better. Get up offa that thing andtry to release that pressure! Get up offa thatthing and shake ‘till you feel better. Get up offathat thing and shake it, say it now! Get up offathat thing and shake ‘till you feel better. Get upoffa that thing and try to release that pressure!
HUFFLEPUFF You are feeling ambitious today. Find your bestmiddle school essay and submit it for a NobelPrize. While you’re at it, send in your middleschool yearbook photo, the one with the acne,braces and the uncombed hair. After that, booka trip to Mount Everest, and then go tell yourex’s family. You want them to think highly of you.By the end of day you will have succeeded in life.
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