3RD DEGREE SIDEBURNS

Written by

Joseph Barlow

INT. WOODCROFT KITCHEN - NIGHT

Pots and pans hang over the central isle, a pile of washing up stands on the side that we're putting off doing.

JOSH WOODCROFT narrows his eyes as his mum licks her hand and then attempts to flatten his hair with it.

MUMYou make sure you talk to the girls tonight if there's any there.

JOSH(Unenthusiastic)

Cheers, mum. It's a quiz, not speed dating.

PHIL (O.C.)The day he gets a girlfriend will be the day I die, Sam.

Phil saunters through from the living room, smiling ear to ear, he's got a brown leather jacket on and has hair like Larry David (from Curb Your Enthusiasm)

JOSHOh, nice one Phil. I better hurry then.

MUMDon't listen to him love.

Josh finally bats her arm away and instead twists around to flick the kettle on.

JOSHYou might want to be nicer since I'm doing you a favour.

PHILI'm doing you a favour, you duck egg. You'll never meet any girls staying at home here all the time.

JOSHGreat, just what I bloody need-

MUMLanguage-

JOSHMy FAMILY pushing me around.

MUMYou'll enjoy it. Phil, is there anyone he knows there?

She raises her eyebrows a little in a very obvious cue for Phil. Josh starts to ignore them and pour some tea.

PHILYeah, I'll be there.

MUMPhil!

PHIL

Yes. Right, I don't know if you know CAMIO, but he's bringing his girlfriend CASSIE who you went to school with.

Josh's ears prick up, feeling a little upbeat. Then he processes the word GIRLFRIEND.

JOSHWho's Camio?

INT. THE OXFORD - NIGHT

There's 6 people around a table in the pub, Josh, Phil, CAMIO [a muscular, angry looking 30-something] and the three other members of the quiz team - ZULF [a friendlly 30-something in a suit], TRACEY and DAMIAN [twins in their early 60s].

Camio gulps as much of his pint as he can in two seconds, he gives Josh the eyes, assessing him.

CAMIOCassie mentioned you're a brain surgeon, mate. You look a bit young to be cutting heads up.

ZULFYou were cutting heads up when you were 15, Camio mate.

JOSHIt's not exactly brain surgery actually, since I work with worms it's not like there's a brain to work with.

CAMIOA bit like your Phil.

2.

JOSHWhere's Cassie?

CAMIONot here.

Pause while Josh and Camio frown at each other.

DAMIANRight, now we're all here. And finally rid of Sarah I'd like to welcome our newest member. Phil's nephew Josh, who's sure to give us another dimension, not many teams will have a brain surgeon-

JOSHIt's science, sorry, It's science, it's not brain surgery.

ZULFRocket science?

JOSHNo.

ZULFYou couldn't get a rocket scientist, Phil?

DAMIANOkay, fine, anyway we all need to think of a new name because at last we don't have Sarah forcing us.

CAMIO and ZULF shoot off some ideas, quickfire.

CAMIOQuiz Kamara

ZULF

Quiztian Bale

CAMIOQuizza.

ZULFQuizzer? I don't get it.

CAMIOQuizza, but spelled Q-Z-A, like RZAfrom Wu-Tang Clan.

3.

The others start to roll their eyes.

ZULFThat's good, but it's terrible for this. Nobody doing a pub quiz knows Wu-Tang and they won't recognise Quizzer as a reference to it.

DAMIANOkay, enough of you two. Okay. Anyone else have any ideas.

PHILThird degree Sideburns.

JOSHYou picked the only one without quiz in the name. What about Quiztal meth?

TRACEYWhat's that?

JOSHIt's a pun on 'crystal method' which is the method we use to crystallise proteins in brain cells.

CAMIONo it isn't, and we're not calling our team Quiztal Meth.

JOSHYou're right, let's name it after a member of Wu Tang Clan that nobody knows instead of something from a TV show that everyone's seen.

Just as it looks like it's getting heated Tracey interrupts the dispute.

TRACEYHow about Quizanthemum.

Everyone stops silent, best response so far.

DAMIANGreat, Quizanthemum it is.

He immediately scribbles it down, all but Tracey shout 'NO' and descend into squabbling.

4.

JOSH(To Phil)

What were you called before?

PHILNone of your business.

JOSHWhat? But I'm on the team now.

CAMIOWe were called 'None of your business' you dopey sod. Get a round in will ya?

Josh goes to the bar, leaving the others to chat about him.

DAMIANI hope your nephew's better than Sarah was, Phil.

PHILHe knows his stuff, he works with brains so he must have some.

DAMIANI don't know if you can win anything with kids though.

TRACEYWe've never won anything without him. If we do start winning we could look at doing Eggheads.

ZULFI think we're more of an Only Connect quiz team.

CAMIOMore of a pointless team.

TRACEYMore chance of winning on Eggheads though.

DAMIANThis is all going to look a bit daft when we lose even with a brain surgeon.

PHILIt's still good to have a kid to blame when we lose, right Damian?

5.

TRACEYDon't be tight, it's his first week. Blame him next week.

CUT TO: THE BAR

Josh is at the bar, a young blonde woman in heels and somewhat slapdash makeup approaches the bar beside him. She immediately gets served before him so he turns to an older woman (named DIRTY SALLY) on his other side. In her mid to late forties with even more slapdash makeup a leather jacket and dyed blue dreadlocks.

JOSHHere for the quiz?

She raises one eyebrow.

DIRTY SALLY(Flirty)

More for the quizzers.

Josh extends a hand which she accepts.

JOSHJosh.

DIRTY SALLYGreat, what colours your underwear?

JOSHMy underwear? Its- it's green. I think.

DIRTY SALLYMines brown and streaky

JOSH(Urgently to bartender)

Please can you take my order now? I'll have six pints of your cheapest lager.

CUT TO: THE TEAM'S TABLE

TRACEYLook at him, you can't let him talk to dirty Sally.

6.

PHILHe's a grown man, he can take care of himself. He'll probably pull for once.

All laugh.

ZULFHow are you related to a brain surgeon then? Are you the black sheep who's not actually good at anything.

PHILYes, I suppose my incredible knowledge of History and Classical music isn't me being good at anything.

TRACEYAt least he admits it.

CAMIOYou're quite good at violin, aren't you Phil?

PHILWell, I've been playing since I was little so I better be good by now.

CAMIOExpert fiddler this one, so when you were fiddling when you were a kid, would you say you were a-

PHILDon't start Camio, or I'll let Cassie know what you were up to with Steffy Morgan the other week.

The QUIZMASTER walks by and rests his hand on Damian's shoulder.

QUIZMASTERReplaced Sarah yet Damo?

DAMIANYeah, we might actually win for once, we've got a brain surgeon in.

QUIZMASTERFinally cured Phil, have you? We don't have many questions on brain surgery you know.

7.

Josh returns to lay a tray of drinks in the centre of the table.

JOSHI'm not exactly a brain surgeon, I work in science.

QUIZMASTEROh wow, got a toy boy in, you'll have no room for me now Damo.

Damian looks embarrassed, as does Josh.

DAMIANOkay. I don't have room for either of you, obviously.

QUIZMASTERDon't worry, I know I'm still your favourite.

The Quizmaster squeezes Damian's arm with a wink and saunters off to start the quiz.

JOSHWell he's a bit creepy.

CAMIOYou're in the Oxford mate. What do you expect?

ZULFSpeaking of creepy, how are you getting on with dirty Sally?

JOSHWell, she told me she's shatherself.

CAMIOYou're in there mate.

ZULF smirks, then looks at the drinks Josh just laid down with disgust.

ZULFWhich of these is mine?

JOSHThey're all the same alarmingly expensive lager.

ZULFI don't drink.

8.

JOSHWhat are you doing in a pub then?

ZULFA quiz. Obviously. Get me a cherryade.

JOSHOh I get it, this is the tartan paint thing, you're sending me for a long stand.

ZULFFine, I'll get my own drink.

Zulf stands up, but Josh realizes hes serious and stands up himself.

JOSHNo, sorry sit down, cherryade. Ill get it. Sorry. I thought it was a wind up.

Josh turns to the bar and the others exchange gleeful looks behind his back.

JOSH (CONTD)Cherryade please.

BARTENDERI dunno what sort of poncey cockney places you're used to but you wont get bleedin' cherryade anywhere around 'ere, fella!

A collective AAAAHHHH! from the team, they break into laughter.

ZULFSeriously though, Ill have a coke please Debbie.

Josh sulks off towards the loos.

CAMIO(To Zulf)

Brilliant, absolutely fantastic mate.

Tracey leans over to slap Zulf's arm.

TRACEYIt's mean, he's part of the team now, be nice.

9.

ZULFIt's just the standard mickey taking so he knows he's accepted.

TRACEYI wouldn't say he's accepted yet, we'll see if we win the quiz.

PHILI wouldn't bring him if he weren't good enough, Tracey.

CAMIOWhy do you come then, Phil?

INT. THE LOOS - NIGHT

A small toilet. Piss on the floor, writing on the walls, most of the brown tiles are missing on the bottom half of the walls. There are 2 urinals and one cubicle.

Josh is using the urinal, Camio comes in and steps up to the urinal beside Josh.

CAMIOYou don't have to be so hostile. He was messing with you, but you were still a bit rude.

Josh unflinchingly looks directly at a spot on the wall ahead of him.

CAMIO (CONTD)Just relax man, try to have a laugh, have some fun with the quiz.

Josh zips up and leaves.

INT. THE OXFORD - NIGHT

The whole team are back on the table, all with pens and an A4piece of paper on the middle of the table.

QUIZMASTERGood evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the legendary quiz night of the Oxford pub in Manchester! Alright, this week's first round is General knowledge, so question one: who invented the jet engine?

Tracey takes the paper and scribbles down an answer.

10.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)Question two: who was the lead singer of the 70s pop group Slade?

Camio grabs the paper quickly.

CAMIOI've got a Noddy holder at home.

ZULFOne of them cardboard cutouts?

CAMIOCassie, she holds my Noddy.

JOSHI bet she loves your clever and tasteful humour, too.

ZULFI hope someone does.

QUIZMASTERQuestion 3: How many numbers are there on a bingo board?

Tracey takes the paper back with a smirk.

CAMIORight, thats pool for us I reckon.

He and Zulf head off to the pool table.

PHILDidnt last long did they?

DAMIANUseless.

TRACEYWe only need me for this round anyway.

QUIZMASTERQuestion 4: in the film 'The Matrix' when Neo is offered two pills, which colour does he take?

Tracey pushes the paper to Josh.

JOSHWell I don't know it.

11.

TRACEYI thought you were a scientist.

JOSHHow is this science?

TRACEYIt's about pills.

Phil takes the paper and writes 'red'.

PHILSome youth you are.

DAMIANBefore his time probably.

JOSHI'm 26.

DAMIANThen pull your finger out and answer a bleedin' question.

They go silent for forever and a day before the quizmaster cuts in.

QUIZMASTERQuestion 4: which part of the brain-

Look to Josh, this is what he's here for, maybe we'll get somewhere.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)Is responsible for appetite.

Josh has no idea. Useless. Seeing expectant faces around him he hazards a guess.

Cheers around the table.

TRACEYMost useful you've been Phil, bringing someone who can answer questions.

DAMIANAlright Tracey, he's still on our team. Just wait for a question on duck eggs.

They chuckle between themselves.

12.

JOSHWhat's this? He's always calling me a duck egg.

More laughter.

PHILI got a question about duck eggs wrong once.

DAMIANWhat kind of duck egg can't answer questions about duck eggs?

TRACEYSpeaking of duck eggs, did you know Maggie's son is getting married. God help the poor girl!

DAMIANThat moron? No way, continuing the cycle of mediocrity.

PHILGuys?

TRACEYYeah, and to a doctor too!

DAMIANI don't understand how this world works.

PHILFor God's sake, I don't care about Maggie's idiot son getting married, are we doing this quiz or what?

Silence in the pub.

QUIZMASTERIf Phil would like to stop shouting in the corner there, I'll give you question eight. Which 'Game of Thrones' character is known by the only word that he can say?

PHIL(Shouting across the room)

Sorry Maggie.

13.

CUT TO: THE POOL TABLES

The two lads are having a game, taking shots throughout.

ZULFRocky would definitely take him.

CAMIOAli, the greatest of all time, getting beat by the guy who lost half of his matches?

ZULF2 in Rocky one and 1 in Rocky three is hardly half his matches.

CAMIOHe lost in Balboa, too.

ZULFHe aged better though, definitely.

CAMIOWow, I don't know if you should ever say that to anyone else. Bad taste, man.

ZULFI don't mean because of the- ROCKY IS IMMORTAL.

CAMIOHe wouldn't even have beat Brian from the offy in the last one.

ZULFHe knocked you out the other week.

CAMIOWhat?

ZULFHe sold you four cans of that cheap special brew and you drank 'em.

CUT TO: THE TABLE

Damian is mumbling to himself looking down below the table.

TRACEYPardon?

Damian mumbles unhappily again.

14.

TRACEY (CONTD)What did you say, Damian?

Damian looks up, confused.

DAMIANSorry, what's that?

TRACEYAre you okay? What's going on?

DAMIANNothing, just doing a Su-Do-Ko on my phone.

PHILYou're worse than a teenager, you. Always messing on that phone.

JOSHThat's a very '90s view of teenagers, I think people have gotten over the amazingness of phones by now.

TRACEYThis one hasn't yet.

Pause.

PHILShould probably put it away Damian, don't want to get done for the quiz.

QUIZMASTER (O.C.)The answers for the bonus round coming up so get marking these down and then we'll tally up.

Camio and Zulf return for this, excited.

DAMIANReady for my answers to win this for us?

QUIZMASTER (O.C.)The name of the pub in Shaun of the Dead was: The Winchester

Cheers directed towards Zulf who not so humbly raises his open arms.

15.

QUIZMASTER (O.C.) (CONTD)The song I played for you was 'Your Mother Should Know' by the Beatles

Groans directed at DAMIAN.

QUIZMASTER (O.C.) (CONTD)And the final bonus question, the show about a children's card game was Yu-Gi-Oh!

More groans at Damian.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)Okay, we'll tally up those results and I'll announce the winners in about fifteen minutes.

DAMIANWho won the pool then lads?

CAMIO scowls as ZULF raises his arms.

PHILYou ought to actually teach him how to play. A blind donkey could beat you, Camio.

TRACEYAnd he'd smell better.

ZULFI always say it's easy to be a humble winner when it's that easy to win.

CAMIOOh yeah, humble as Gandhi, you are. Or maybe humble as Rocky.

ZULF(Impersonating Rocky)

ADRIAN.

DAMIANHow does his head fit through the door? Oh yeah, he deflates it, which explains some of his answers in the third round.

ZULFJumpin' on top of me now you've lost us the quiz, Damo? Lookin' for a scapegoat already?

16.

DAMIANI'm merely pointing out that you think you're Ronnie O' after you've beat someone who thinks the triangle is a cue rest.

CAMIOOi, Enough of that mouth after you just lost us the quiz.

DAMIANIt's absurd that they would ask such questions, we should go in the Carter's next week.

PHILYeah, beggars belief that they wouldn't ask something you knew, almost like it's meant to be a challenge.

TRACEYAll he needs to do is flirt with that quizmaster a bit and we're sorted.

JOSHAre we not good enough to win without doing that?

TRACEYNot usually, no.

JOSHHave you ever won in here?

Exchanging glances around the table.

JOSH (CONTD)Ah right, today should be a first then.

QUIZMASTER (O.C.)The results are in so everybody listen up. We have a special mention to the team in last place. With one point, it's 'Hodor' so come and find me for a consolation pint later on mate.

People look around and have a giggle at Hodor.

17.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)At the other end of the table we have: in 3rd place, with 38 points. QUIZLAMIC RAY GUNS.

Cheers and high-5s at a table across the room.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)You lot win nothing, not quite good enough. But with a possible chance to win something we have a tie in first place.

Disgruntled looks headed towards Damian.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)So could we have a candidate from Quizanthemum and a candidate from the Judean People's Front.

ALLSPLITTERS!

PHIL(Very quickly)

I nominate Josh.

ZULFSeconded.

JOSH(Panicking)

I nominate Damian, redeem himself.

DAMIANI don't need to redeem myself, you prove you're good enough.

JOSHI've only answered four questions all night.

TRACEYWell now you can pull your weight.

JOSHDon't you want to win?

CAMIO(Standing up)

I'll do it.

JOSHNo, no. I can win this.

18.

INT. THE OXFORD - NIGHT

Josh nervously bites his lip, stood next to a confident looking old woman (MARY).

Between them the quizmaster smirks and holds the mic to his mouth.

QUIZMASTERYou having your tea there mate?

Laughs around the pub and a frown from Josh.

QUIZMASTER (CONTD)Can I have some? Haha, okay let's get on with the tie breaker. You will be given a question and the answer will be a year, closest answer wins the quiz. A coin toss will decide who goes first.

He flicks up a 50p and catches it on the back of his hand, covering it he nods at the old woman.

MARYHeads.

Yes! It's tails!

QUIZMASTERNow, do you want to go first or second?

JOSHFirst please.

The team hold their heads in their hands, what the hell's he done that for?

QUIZMASTERAlrighty then, and the tiebreaker question, to decide the winning team of the Oxford pub quiz going home with a box of milk tray is: In which year did the Beatles release their third single?

JOSH'61

Just a guess, it's only milk tray anyway.

MARYI'll go with '62

19.

QUIZMASTERAnd the year was... '63. The winner is The Judean People's Front, congratulations on another win Mary, here's your milk tray.

The team muster a halfhearted chorus of 'splitters', looking sullenly into their pints..

INT. THE TEAM'S TABLE - NIGHT

DAMIANYou know the open mic night's tomorrow.

ZULFAre you going to it?

DAMIANDon't need too, I saw a fuckingcomedy of errors tonight.

TRACEYAnd you displayed one.

DAMIAN(Pointing to Josh)

What's this one doing then? Are you mad, going first? What's that about?

JOSHRemember earlier, when I said you should represent us? What's that about?

DAMIANDon't get nowty with me you grumpy little sod.

PHILOi, you can't talk to him like that.

TRACEYOh and Mr Helpful chimes in, the man who thought the pub we're in was in Brazil.

PHILThat was an oddly phrased question.

20.

ZULFStop blaming each other everyone. It was Josh's fault.

JOSHWhile we're back on me, why do we care about a box of milk tray?

TRACEYIt's more about winning, and beating that bitch Mary.

JOSHFair enough, I suppose.

A collective sigh, calming sips of drinks.

ZULFRight, we should have a library sesh in the week if everyone can make it.

CAMIOLet's go to the uni library, Cassie can get me in, it's 4 quid for you lot.

ZULFFour bob for a library? Blimey.

JOSHCassie's at the uni?

CAMIOYeah mate, we're all proud of her.

JOSHWhat's she doing?

CAMIO'Ant got a clue lad, not rocket surgery at any rate. Maybe you'll see her there.

TRACEYOh, you don't know what she's doing? It's fashion communication you silly beggar.

PHILYou should have your band play the open mic tomorrow, Josh.

21.

ZULFYou have a band? What do you play?

JOSHI don't.

PHILHe does, Caucasian Dub Foundation.

ZULF(Mickey taking)

Groovy, do you play dub music then?

JOSHNo, folk.

ZULFWhy do you have dub in your name then?

JOSHIt's just a name. The Dublinersdidn't play dub.

ZULFHuh.

CAMIOYou ought to play some rugby instead mate, toughen you up a bit.

DAMIANYes, yes, we know you're a big strong rugby lad, but the only real English sport is Cricket though.

TRACEYHear hear! Who really wants to get battered for the sake of moving an egg shaped ball a few yards?

ZULFWho wants to watch guys stand in the middle of a field while guessing where the too-fast-to-see object they're playing with is.

Zulf and Camio do a no-look fist bump.

The quizmaster comes back over to the team.

22.

QUIZMASTERHiya Damo. Unlucky again today guys, little secret weapon here had the best chance you lot have had in a while.

TRACEYThere's always next week.

QUIZMASTERYeah, maybe Mary and the girls won't turn up next week.

He laughs in the face of the team's grumpy looks.

TRACEYWouldn't be the same if she weren't there to beat.

QUIZMASTERWouldn't be the same if you won, hey hey.

Phil grunts.

PHILWe were thinking of going elsewhere next week.

QUIZMASTERCould be missing out on a fantastic box of milk tray if you do.

JOSHSeriously? The prize is milk tray every week?

ZULFSometimes it's a bar of dairy milk, when he forgets and has to nip out to the offy after round 2.

QUIZMASTEROnce. Anyway I better be off, got to talk to the intellectuals.

TRACEYSod off you cheeky bugger.

He sods off and they watch him approach Mary's table.

CAMIOScummy old git.

23.

DAMIANThe smarmy shit.

PHILArsehole.

ZULFHad we better worry about the winners coming over.

TRACEY(Grabbing her bag)

Not me, I'm getting gone before I have to face it.

She's already gone, that was quick.

CAMIOI've got room for another round of pool before we head off.

ZULFIf you can take another beating.

MARYOh hello lads.

Mary sits down at the table as they go play pool, ignoring her.

MARY (CONTD)Where's your Tracey, Damian?

DAMIANHad to nip off home.

MARYOh, the poor old cow. Bowel trouble again?

DAMIANAbsolutely.

PHILCome on Josh, we better head off too.

MARYYou can't go yet, I've not had a chance to talk to your lad.

JOSHWhat do you want to talk to me for?

24.

MARYJust to say not to worry you got the question wrong, you did very well.

JOSHYou got the question wrong too, remember.

MARYI only really remember us winning my love.

JOSHRight, let's go.

DAMIANDon't leave me with her.

That's exactly what they do.

MARYCome now, my love I only want to talk. How's the new boy working out for you.

DAMIANIt's his first week, he was a bit nervous. He's a brain surgeon though you know, it was close this week but once he's settled in you won't have a chance.

MARYI could beat your team on my own Damian, maybe it would be more fun, I could use a challenge.

DAMIANOkay Mary, I think that'll be home time now.

MARYDo not tell me what to do.

DAMIANFor me. I'm the one going home, so I don't have to put up with more of this crap.

EXT. THE CAR PARK - NIGHT

Zulf, Camio, Phil and JOSH wait for taxis.

25.

DAMIANThanks for coming everyone, I'll see you on Thursday.

CAMIOWhat's Thursday?

DAMIANThe library session.

ZULFWehey!

Damian crosses the road and enters his house.

ZULF (CONTD)Maybe we'll see a better brain surgeon in the uni library.

JOSHYou're not coming in the unilibrary.

CAMIOWe are.

JOSHNo way I'm coming then, my mates go in the uni library.

PHILYou can't be embarrassed to be seen with us, we're the ones doing you a favour remember.

JOSHYeah, like a pub quiz team is cool. Freddie Mercury and David Bowie were obviously both in pub quiz teams.

ZULFI think you need to reassess who you think is cool, mate.

Pause in silence. Camio's ride saves him from the cold. It's Cassie picking him up.

She waves at JOSH, and then they're gone. Heart beating JOSH smiles to himself.

26.

DIRTY SALLY (O.C.)Oi green-pants, fancy a shag?

FADE OUT

27.