Ang e lo St at e 's F in e st Pap er S in c e Fa l l 2006

can, with but a simple glance at a

person tell whether or not that person

has ever had plumbing issues and

prescribe to them a dietary or lifestyle

change to correct this malady. One of

the best things, we found out, was that

if you eat juniper berries, you can stave

off bladder and lower intestinal infec-

tions, not too mention getting an STD.

Feceology is a growing field of study

that many feel might soon eclipse

homeopathic medicine in importance

and effectiveness. Therefore, many

p e opl e

Not Just Another Doctor As everyone knows, there are many

kinds of doctors in this world, some

more important, according to cultural

standards, than others. Then there are

some like persons who obtain a PhD

who call themselves doctors, but are

they really doctors at all? By their own

merit, of course they are and yet, they

do not get the respect due them by

others. Doctors, traditionally are those

who practice medicine, but what about

those others who practice things like

psychology, psychiatry, or things of that

nature? Well, recently there has been a

huge influx of persons obtaining said

doctoral degrees in things that are

seemingly not worthy of the moniker of

"doctor." However, one such field of

study has been coming to the forefront

of this debate more than any other --

feces. Yes, that is right, feces. Persons

who study this field extensively are able

to obtain their doctorate through years

of study, training and expert analysis

and yet, those within their circle of

fellow doctors maintain that all they

have is a degree in crap. Doctors are

doctors, no matter what their specializa-

tion. And those with doctorates in

feces, also called Feceologists, have just

as much right to be respected as any

other crackpot. Feceology is the study

and understanding of feces yes, but also

it is helpful in determining the histol-

ogy and dieting habits of persons,

animals and sometimes trees. And a

prominent Feceologist can often be

called in to help solve some of the most

baffling crimes that forensic experts

have been previously stumped by. It

sounds disgusting, but the best way to

solve a crime is to determine that the

victim did not inadvertently digest

something harmful of their own ac-

cord. However, what is not there is

never as important as what is there. If a

feceologist finds, for example, berries

and leaves, the deceased was a vegetar-

ian (or a fox) and this helps to track

down where and how they lived their

day to day life. A feceologist is also

useful in ascertaining whether or not

someone might have a bowel obstruc-

tion by inserting their hand into the

rectum and yanking on fecal matter. If

nothing comes out, the bowel is

blocked and constipation and infection

were likely the culprit of death. These

are but a few examples of what a fe-

ceologist does and how they are helpful

in the realm of real life, but hardly are

these all the things they are good for. A

well-educated, experienced feceologist

Rambelle of the Week 2

Weekly Rant 2

Quote of the Week 3

Facebook Invasion 3

Poetry Time 4

Who’s this? 4

Thoughts To Ponder 5

Brainteasers 5

Physics 8

Dante Residential 7

Colbert Cornert 5

Horoscopes 6

So Damn Awesome 6

Darwin Awards 7

Movies 10

Sudoku 9

Recycle 8

Around ASU 9

Included in t his issue:

January 25, 2008

Serpent Day

Volume 4, Issue 1

Ramdiculous Page

Picture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the WeekPicture of the Week

Angelo State BasketballAngelo State BasketballAngelo State BasketballAngelo State Basketball .

Saturday – Feast of Torches Day (best day to be a fire

swallower at the circus)

Sunday – Day the Music Died (according to Don McLean)

Monday – Create A Vacuum Day (I call dibs on the

Oreck XL5!)

Tuesday – Primrose Day (go on, take the path)

Wednesday – Move Hollywood and Broadway to

Lebanon, PA Day

Thursday – National Hangover Awareness Day (if bright lights

and noise bother you, chances are you have one)

Ramdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous ObservancesRamdiculous Observances

Submit your photos at ramdiculous.com

Juniper

(dramatization)

Continued on Page 3

Ignite @ 7:30 PM on Monday

Freshmen Bible Study @ 7:30 PM on Tuesday

Logos Lunch @ 12 PM on Fr iday

Awkwardness...

Seeing a billboard that says “Need Help? Call Jesus!

1-800-008-3787”

Calling it and finding out a small Mexican will show up with a

lawn mower.

This section of the Ramdiculous Page is for things that

make a normal person feel awkward…

Submit your thoughts @ ramdiculous.com

Page 2 Volume 4 , Issue 1 Ramdiculous Page

Weekly Rant

Rambelle of the Week

Kayla Spence

Kayla is one of

t h e c o o l e s t

sophomores at this school. She

is incredibly

friendly, and her

bright, cheery personality can

turn around your

day. If you have

the pleasure of meeting her, make

the most of it. Just follow her

around for hours,

so that you can

see just how cool she is. I’m sure

she won’t mind.

Well I am severely disappointed in

myself. I had my usual elaborate rant

ready to send to the editor, and I

saved something else on top of it. I

hate life. So now I will attempt to

re cr ea te/ re en a ct t he ma st er-

piece…..ahem (throat clearing)…

One of my fellow writers was just

telling me of how much he adored the

book Animal Farm. Needless to say,

this person is George Orwell. A little

known fact about George is that he

could talk to animals. All animals

except sloths that is. Thi s is because

they take too long to say anything, and

since George has a very short attention

span, he just ignores the sloths. And

the sloths hate him for it. They hate

him so much that they dedicated a

shrine to him in the forest of Yugosla-

via. And they throw their feces mi xed

with vinegary tomato juice. But he

was nice to all the other animals of the

kingdom in which he lived, and with

frothy vengeance they planned to

break down the shrine that the sloths

had built. So the animals, obviously

led by a lion (one with a freekin huge

mane that he permed every week in

order to be a sexy lion), made huge

catapults that were so big they could

throw a parade of elephants, or 5

colonies of penguins. They had to

find something large enough to throw

in this catapult so they wouldn ’t waste

any space. Obviously they didn’t want

to throw their own kind, so they built

this huge wooden rabbit and loaded it

up. As they drew the firing mechanism

back, the anticipation in the air grew.

It grew to such a tension that many of

them pooped their pants. The big

rabbit was released and sailed in the

air not unlike a spoon filled with

mashed peas being thrown at the face

of a wonton mother by a 6 month old

baybay . As it neared the sloth terri-

tory, the sloths started to look up .

Since the wooden rabbit went to high

in the air, so high in the sky, the sloths

had a full minute to turn their heads.

And when they di d, bapadada!

THERE WAS MUCH DEFECA-

TION!

I love you

George Ferguson

Meet the Spartans, or Crap on Tape Jason Friedberg and Aa ron Seltzer, the

writer-d irector-producer team behind

Date Movie, Epic Movie, and now Meet

The Spartans , have a n ice rac ket going . At

the beginning of the year, during the pre-

Oscar doldrums when stud ios quic kly and

quietly dump failed projects into theaters

to die ignoble deaths, Friedberg and

Seltzer release another half-assed, qu ickie

spoof flick. They've done it for th ree years

in a row, and the st rategy so far has led to

big opening weekends followed by pre-

cipitous drop-offs once word gets around

that, shockingly, their mov ies a re effing

terrible. Meet The Spartans is willfully

disposable, leaning heavily on references

to timeless cultural touchstones like

Stomp The Yard and the "Leave Britney

Alone!" guy. In another life, Friedberg

and Seltzer might have been successful

bumper-sticker salesmen, always in search

of new objects of scorn for Calvin of

Calvin & Hobbes to pis s on. Instead, they

get by with bad movies that a re more

marketable than the bad movies they're

competing against. While prev ious entries

in the Fr iedberg/Seltzer canon poked

fun—using the word "fun" ve ry loosely—at

whole genres of movies , l ike romant ic

comedies and summer blockbusters, Meet

The Spartans focuses mainly on one film,

300. While there 's enough comed ic

material there for as many as three some-

what tolerable minutes of MADtv, Meet

The Spartans gamely alternates between

unfunny gay jokes and v iolent pratfalls for

a good 80 minutes, find ing time for not

one, but two mus ical dance numbers set

to "I W ill Survive." Meet The Spartans

feels thin even given its merc ifully brief

running time, but that isn 't for lack of

pop-culture references. Everything from

American Idol to Shrek to Ugly Betty—

yep, that overexposed America Ferrera

finally gets brought down a peg—is skew-

ered. And by skewered, Fr iedberg and

Seltzer mean "introduced in the most

obvious fashion poss ible, then kicked

and/or puked on." The only laughs in

Meet The Spartans come , un intent ion-

ally, from the most ridiculously on-the-

nose references. ( Borat star Ken Dav itian

is introduced a s "the fat guy from Borat.")

Do Friedberg and Seltzer not trust the

audience to get a simple Borat reference

without blatant explanations? Do they

worry that stupidity is contagious? If it is,

they have millions of dead bra in cells on

their hands . Bad film, bad acting , bad

choice. This film is an abhorrence to all

that is cinema and gets what it deserves,

or rather worse than all imaginable, a big

fat Q.

--Kendall T Longbottom, Esq

Nooma Bible Study,

Monday nights,

7:30 PM, Led by

Curt McNeely and

Seth Chomout

Quote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the WeekQuote of the Week

“Enjoy an apple infused

with tin today!...I call it

a Snapple.”

Page 3 Volume 4 , Issue 1 Ramdiculous Page

Thoughts To Ponder

• Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if

they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

• Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

• Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no

pepper in it?

are beginning to take the study of feces, previously thought

to be a perverse fetish-like behavior, seriously. And we here

at the Ramdiculous Page applaude the steps that have been made to correct this oversight and

misunderstanding among the medical community, and thus would like to help educate those who

may or may not know if they or someone they know is a studying feceologist.

Signs of Feceologist Behavior

1. An unexplainable attraction to making poop jokes in public

2. Prolonged staring at bowel movements in toilets, public or private, even if not their own

3. An urge to grasp, mold or fling poop.

4. Intense need to smell farts and analyze odors for traces of various foods contained therein

5. Unexplained brown smudges on and around the nostrils.

6. Desire to watch and re-watch the 2 girls, 1 cup video

7. Reinactment of 2 girls, 1 cup video for "research" purposes

8. Over-eating to produce larger, smellier, more ostentatious bowel movements.

9. Digging through peoples laundry searching for skid marks.

10. Hanging pictures and posters of feces throughout their room.

-- Samuel Clemens

Continued from page 1

FREEBIRDS OR CHIPOTLE? invasion 85% of Ramdiculous Readers choose Freebirds…

“stinkin freebirds yo. they be the

bomb. with all thos e toppings, and

tortillas the size of the titanic, put

some steak, b eans, cheese, a b ucket of

pepp ers, a gallo n of hot sauce, and

tomatoes on it and im good. just gota

have the ramdiculous by my side. i do

so love it. even more than gator ade.

mmmmm good. i love you”

Consumables of the Week

Drink: Raspberry LemonadeRaspberry LemonadeRaspberry LemonadeRaspberry Lemonade

Snack: BurritosBurritosBurritosBurritos Make sure you have at least one this week

DDDDDDDDOOOOOOOO YOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOUYOU KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOW WHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHO THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS ISISISISISISISIS????????????????????????

If you do,

tell us at:

ramdiculous.com

And we will put your name in the paper.

LAST WEEK

Thanks to: Laura Riggs

Tyrone from The Backyardigans

Page 4 Volume 4 , Issue 1 Ramdiculous Page

Glen Meadows Baptist Church would

like to invite you to its

college ministry!

We meet at the Lake House at 9:00 AM on

Sunday Mornings, as well as Tuesday evenings at

7:00 PM. Come early and stay late and use our

free washers and dryers, as well as the big screen

TV, free food and drinks, and a load of fun.

Come by and check it out.

Oh yeah, the Lake House is across the street from the Glen

Meadows, which is west on Knickerbocker. Take a left down

American Legion Road and it is the first lake house

on the right.

http://www.college.gmbc.org

Hey all you Ramdiculous fans,

here’s your chance to

get in on the ac-

tion. We want to

hear from you what

you want from

us. We are also

looking for some

help, so if you can

write, let us

know, send

us some of

your stuff.

How about

p ho to g ra -

phers, if you

have some

pictures send

‘em our way. Are you a artist,

draw us a cartoon. Do you

have an opinion? Let us

know. You can help us.

Send your submissions to

us @

page@ramdiculous.com

This weeks poem wa s submitted by Ruth P inkerton. If

you have a poem you think is Ramd iculous, then

email it to page@ramdiculous.com

Cheese, cheese the magical fruit

Eat it like candy, trade it like loot

A food that is very dear to my heart,

So yellow and squishy, a true work of art.

Bacterial goodness, spoiled milk of delight

Each time I come home it's a beautiful sight.

I eat it with humus, jam, crackers, and greens

Its taste can be matched by no other I've seen

We have lots of fun, cheesy goodness and me

It even inspires my poems, you see.

POETRY TIME

Montenegro WEATHER:

Page 5 Volume 4 , Issue 1 Ramdiculous Page

Brainteasers

Looking for a customized

website for your business?

seth@sethlife.com

(512) 567-4460

“My writers killed the president of the

Mormon Church”

“When you humanize an enemy you make them

more human and that’s bad for dropping a bomb on someone’s

house”

Art by:

http://www.isthistomorrow.com/

80% of our readers prefer Colbert to Stewart

iPod

Cell phone

These are some

brainteasers, if

you don’t know

what they are go

home… the answers

will be down there

next week...

LXXVI

PARADE

Ramdiculous Page Page 6 Volume 4 , Issue 1

Hello, hello again, dear readers. In our continuing examina-

tion of Stephen Colbert, we pre-sent the 11th i n s t a l l m e n t where t hi s

week we are going to simply let the brilliance of Mr. Colbert

speak for itself.

Did you get all that? I hope so because as you all k now,

Stephen Colbert

Jokes You May or May Not Find

on Laffy Taffy Wrappers Horoscopes

never repeats him-self, that is for lesser people like Jon

Stewart and Bill O'Reilly. Well, actu-

ally, Bill O'Reilly will

Q. How do you get a peanut to laugh?

A. Crack it up (har dee har har)

Q. Why do shoemakers go to heaven?

A. Because they're dead! (lololololololol)

Q. What do you do when you have no rubber bands?

A. Find a plastic orchestra (you'd think i made

that up, nope its real)

Aires- I am awesome. I sleep on my

side, and I like it. Your mom likes it

too. She cooked me steak…and it was

good.

Leo- Oh Leo! You make my earlobes

difficult to manage. However, you

have no writing skill. So I must tell

you to get lost. And as for the horo-

scope, make sure you have plenty of

potty paper before your first heave.

Sagittarius-- The turtles will be slow

this month. Don’t put them all in

one basket on the Tuesday that is

good to you or else they will eat each

other like I ate the steak your mom

cooked me.

Taurus- It’s a good day to clean you

dirty dishes for the simple fact that

scientists have now discovered that

Ebola is transmitted through dirty

dish use. For the love of all the peo-

ple on earth, do not be the one to

unleash this unequivocally unsound

masterpiece on the world.

Virgo- Don’t even try to be funny

this month. It will suck for you, just

like it did for Eminem. There’s

vomit on your sweater already,

mom’s spaghetti…..”

Capricorn- It will be a good day for

you. The stars are not lined up in

any fashion you should wear what-

ever the fashion guru in the ram

page tells you to where. Unless you

are a fatty-fatty two by four.

Yup….that was me. Feel awkward. I

command you.

Gemini- Think you can stand the

everyday hassles this time? Think

again. You will be crushed. Do not

venture outside your dwelling if you

are so lucky as to have one. I WANT

COFFEE…I WILL MAKE ME

SOME.

Aquarius- As always, spare the rod,

spoil the child. Dwell on this.

Cancer- you all are the most un-

healthy of the entire planet today.

Scorpio- ALL YOUR BASE ARE

BELONG TO US!

Pisces- I command you to engage the

enemy in a continuous fashion,

pausing only to stock up on milk…

and cookies. I like cookies. Do you

like cookies? Redeeming qualities of

a paper are awesome.

WHY IS STEPHEN COLBERT

SO DAMN AWESOME?

just continue to scream the same thing at you over and

over again until you just give up trying to say any-thing because that's just the kind

of guy he is.... misguided, ego-tistical and wrong. Stay tuned for

next week as we will be bringing

you the much antici-pated, long awaited,

much desired inter-

view with the man himself....hopefully. Let's keep our fin-

gers crossed on this one folks!

--Samuel Clemens

Ramdiculous Page Page 7 Volume 4 , Issue 1

Darwin Awards (1 January 2007, Neth-erlands) The first Dar-win Award of 2007 goes to Serge Sluijters, 36, who thought it rea-sonable to hover over an illegal professional fire-work and light the elec-tronic ignition with an open flame. But this was not a traditional wick; it was a device designed for precision timing. The flame trig-gered an immediate launch, and the fire-works catapulted up-wards, killing our ama-teur pyrotechnician en-route to a spectacular burst across the night sky. Serge had pur-

chased the firework le-gally in Belgium, but then transported it ille-gally into the Nether-lands. His father dis-puted the notion that Serge was careless, characterizing his son as a man who gave due consideration to his acts. A witness told re-porters, "His face disap-peared. If someone has no face left, you know it's serious." Every year, another idiot gets nomi-nated for a Darwin Award for this same reason. Please, readers, keep your itchy fingers off the triggers of these dangerous fireworks!

For you who cannot get a hand on a Ramdiculous Page, we would like you to always be able to pick up a Ramdiculous Page. We are the voice of [some students at] Angelo State University, and we would l ike to invite all readers, students, faculty, bums, nurses, strippers, monkeys, fictional char-acters, and even Ram Page employees to enjoy us from anywhere in the world so check us out @

RAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COMRAMDICULOUS.COM

ADVERTISE WITH US. If you would like your ad to appear in the Ramdiculous Page,

please contact us at ads@ramdiculous.com

We also have the

RAMDICULOUS

PAGE

in color, online!

Senator Barack Obama, Governor Bill Richardson,

Senator Hillary Clinton and Ruth Harkin stand

during THE US NATIONAL ANTHEM.

You be the judge...

Page 8 Volume 4 , Issue 1

Ramdiculous Page

Today, I would like to tell you about my little friend, Francisco the dancing duck. Francisco grew up in inner city De-troit. He was cold and rigid, the kind of duck you didn’t mess with. I’m serious. That dude would rip your freakin head off if you got in his way. He didn’t care who you were or why, you were there. If you got between him and some-thing he wanted, he would mess you up. And he had to be that way. Otherwise he would have never made it in

that world. But some-thing happened when he was 3 years old. His parents died, so he went to live with his grandpar-ents in rural West Texas. That’s where I first got to know Francisco. He was still very rough around the edges, but his grandparents and everyone around him were so friendly that after a while, the cold bitter duck that had lived in Detroit soon was no more. He became the friendliest duck anyone had ever met. He laughed all the time, and

he danced all the time too (hence his nick-name). Then one fateful day in December, Fran-cisco got stabbed. One of his old enemies from Detroit had come look-ing for him, and when he found him, Francisco didn’t even fight back. I was the one who found him lying there. He was already dead. I couldn’t do anything. That Christ-mas, as my family sat around the dinner table, we mourned for our lost friend, and we also learned something about him. We knew he

had given up his rough exterior for a sweet, ten-der one; but what we didn’t know was how sweet and tender he was on the inside too.

My Friend Francisco By: Ralph Waldo Emerson

In light of recent publications of the Ramdiculous page, the student physics contingent on campus

made a conscious choice to accept an invitation to contribute to this fine literary periodical. It came

to our attention that perhaps an enlightening contribution was in order. Particularly, interest in the physics depart-

ment was generated when a recent article claiming that light bulbs “suck dark” was included in this otherwise out-

standing piece of newsprint… Seeing as how we in physics are concerned with spreading knowledge like the plague, we have agreed to contribute this weekly column which we have lovingly entitled “KNOWING KNATURE”, where we in-

tend to satisfy the curious reader who is full of questions that they were just too embarrassed to ask in their sci-

ence classes. Please be warned that the articles will lean toward the Physical rather than the Biological, but since

Physics is the “mother of if all”, we will take liberty with our expositions into

all areas of the natural world. Our first series of illuminating articles will be

entitled: “SCIENCE FACTS YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW”,

aimed at shedding light on some commonly held misconceptions about the uni-

verse where we reside. So, please stay tuned and prepare to be smarter every

week as you read our words of wisdom.

Speaking of enlightenment ---As for the question about SUCKING DARK…

Please, doesn’t everyone know that nature abhors a vacuum, and thus sucking

dark out of a room is not a plausible explanation for the observed effect that

a light bulb has on darkness. We think it has something to do with physics,

but more on that later.

KNOWING KNATURE – by D’ino I’talles, affiliated loosely with the Angelo State Award winning SPS Chapter.

Page 9 Volume 4 , Issue 1

Ramdiculous Page

Welcome to ASUAlert, a new com-

munication system that will allow

Angelo State University to send

time-sensitive emergency notifi-

cations via voice messages, text

messages, and ASU e-mail to fac-

ulty, staff, and students.

ASUAlert will assist in providing a

safer environment, enhance emer-

gency preparedness and keep the

campus community more in-

formed.

This new method of communica-

tion around campus will help in

the event of an ‘Active Threat,’

such as a school shooter, bad

weather, school delays, and fires,

as well as chemical spills, we are

working with ASUAlert to also

include messages about bad writ-

ing in other, they shall remain

nameless, newspapers. As of

Tuesday, 1250 students, which is

about 23% of the student body

have signed up.

Angelo State is trying to work

with the students to make sure

the students are as safe as possi-

ble. Although signing up is not

necessary, we at the Ramdiculous

Page recommend signing up, for

the safety of everyone… But don’t

do it if you are gonna shoot up the

school, cuz you don’t want to be

interrupted by a stupid text in the

middle of your rampage… Ha,

rampage, isn't that a great word.

The Ramdiculous Page does not mean to

make light of school shootings, we sympa-

thize with all who are involved a nd we pray

that this neve r happens he re in Sa n Ange lo,

but if it doe s, you should be rea dy, GET

ASUAlert!

Around

WELCOME TO ASU Did you hear about the

shooter on campus?

This is what you might be asked.. Your

answer—“No,” unless you have:

A New ASUPD on Campus Alert System

Sign Up Now on

THERE WAS NO SCHOOL SHOOTING… SORRY TO SCARE YOU

Campus Reflections: Where did the squirrels go? removed my helmet a

single word entered my

mind: SABOTAGE. The

squir rel s h ave

most likely gone

“underground” to

plot the next wave

of their attacks.

They are Japan, we

are Pearl Harbor.

Catch my drift?

Who can say when

those evil fur balls

will show their faces

again? Maybe it will be

tomorrow, or next week,

or next month? Perhaps

they’ll burst out of hiding

when our campus is

flooded with potential

students and their fami-

lies at the upcoming Dis-

cover ASU! I’m not let-

ting down my guard!

There will be squirrels

punted across campus in

my self-defense! So be

weary fellow ASU mall-

walkers. This is only the

peace before the storm.

—Joan of Arc

ASU squirrels. What can

be said about those cute,

furry, pesky, and poten-

tially lethal mam-

mals? You love them,

but you hate them

even more. I’ve be-

come aware that my

many treks to class

have been in peace

here lately. Where

did the squirrels go?

There haven’t been

any suicidal runs under

my feet, small nuts

launched at my head

while walking, or leering

looks from the MCS

stairs made by them. The

squirrels are gone. I

sighed with relief when I

realized this, but before I

Ramdiculous Page

27 DRESSES27 DRESSES27 DRESSES27 DRESSES

1:55pm 4:55pm 7:50pm

10:30pm

UNTRACEABLEUNTRACEABLEUNTRACEABLEUNTRACEABLE

1:15pm 4:10pm 7:10pm

9:40pm

THE BUCKET LISTTHE BUCKET LISTTHE BUCKET LISTTHE BUCKET LIST

2:00pm 5:00pm 7:55pm

10:20pm

THE EYETHE EYETHE EYETHE EYE

1:10pm 4:00pm 7:00pm

9:35pm

MAD MONEYMAD MONEYMAD MONEYMAD MONEY

1:30pm 4:25pm 7:25pm

9:55pm

MoviesMoviesMoviesMovies That We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To SeeThat We Want To See

Page 10

e-mail: page@ramdiculous.com

To Bring *REAL* News to ASU

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