5Conversations

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Praisefor5Conversations“Theprinciplesbehind5Conversationsareexactlythesameasthoseappliedin

theBritishOlympicRowingTeamtohelpusbuildstrongteamsandwinOlympicGoldmedals.”

SteveWilliamsOBE,doubleOlympicGoldmedallist

“Thisisacrucialandabsolutelypracticalbook.Itunderstandsthenatureofhowvitaltheattachmentemotionoftrustisinorganisations,withoutwhichnoleader

canengagetheenergiesofthebestpeoplepullinginthesamedirection.”

ProfessorPaulBrown,previouslyVisitingProfessorinOrganisationalNeuroscience,LondonSouthBankUniversityandinIndividualand

OrganisationalPsychology,NottinghamLawSchool

“Thesayinggoes“youcomeintotheworldalone,youleavethisworldalone”,butinbetween,5Conversationscanhelpyoubuildgreatrelationshipsinwork

andlife.”

RupertHodges,DirectorLeadershipDevelopment,BPplc

“Ifyouaregenuinelyinterestedincreatingamoreengagedworkforce,thisbookisamust-read.5conversationsischock-fullofpragmaticexamplesthatboth

informandinstruct.”

BensonSmith,Chairman,President&CEO,TeleflexInc.

“Fortoolongwehavecompartmentalisedourworkrelationshipsandignoredourbasichumanityintheworkplace–thisbookhasremindedusofthe

importanceoftheserelationshipsandtheconversationsthatdevelopthem.”

RichardFlint,ManagingDirector,SkyBet

“Highlyreadable,practicalandrelevantforpublicandprivatesectorsalike,5Conversationsdrawsusbacktotheoriginsofcommunicationandteachesusof

thesimplepowerofhonestandauthenticconversationsfordrivingorganisationalengagementandperformance.Readthisbook,andneverfeara

sabre-toothedtigeragain.”

HughElliott,DirectorofCommunication,ForeignandCommonwealthOffice

“Youwouldstruggletofindconversationsthataremoreimportantthanthosethataresoexpertlyexploredinthisbook.5Conversationsoffersapowerfulandpracticalsetofstrategiesforgettingtotheheartofworkplaceperformance.”

RobinRyde,businessauthor

“5Conversationsdemonstratesnotonlythepowerthatqualityconversationscanhaveintheprofessionalworkspaceforleaders,peersandemployeesalike–butalsohowmuchpersonalconfidenceandsatisfactioncanbegainedfromtheartofgoodconversation–somethingthatcanbeeasilylostinoureraofmobile,

emailandinternet.”

KirstenCox,DirectorEMEAMarketing,VMware

“Whosaidthattheartofconversationisdead?Thisexcellentbookexplainsthevalueofbuildingtrustingrelationshipsinordertoforgegenuineengagement

withinanorganisation.“

TimWilliams,HRDirector,PearsonUK

“Thisbookisagreatidea.ItisthefirsttimeI’veseenverysimpleandsopowerfulthingssaidaboutmanagement:talkingabout“simplybeinghuman”orabout“courage”and“curiosityaboutothers”,whichbringsusbacktowhat

managementreallyis:interactionbetweenhumanbeings!Somethingthatmostmanagershaveatendencytoforget!”

LaurentCamus,DirecteurdelaFormation,MBDA

“Muchofthisbookreallyresonateswithhowweoperate–leadershipisTHEkeyenablerforsuccess.Thisbookisapracticalguideforleadersinhowtheycanevolveanddeveloptheskillsandapproachesnecessaryforpersonaland

organisationalsuccess.”

JohnDevall,WaterDirector,NorthumbrianWater

“Thebestisalwayssimple–hereareTHE5conversationsweallneedtobehavingatworkandprobablyalsoathome!”

RobertRigby-Hall,ChiefHumanResourcesOfficer,NXPSemiconductors

“Thisbooktakesthepowerofconversationstonewpossibilitiesanditoffersvaluableandpracticaltools,ideasandilluminatingexamples.”

AnushiaReddy,VPGlobalTalentandOrganisationDevelopment,Tate&Lyle

“Aconversationisaninvestmentinsomeone’stimesowhywouldn’tyoutaketimetolearnhowtomakethemostofthatinvestment?Thebeautyofthisbookis,ittakesaneverydayactivityandwithafewsimpletrickssuddenlyturnsthatactivityintoapowerfulmotivationaltoolandithastipsthatcanbeappliedin

writingaswell.”

EleanorTweddell,HeadofInternalCommunications,VodafoneUK

Acknowledgements

Wewould verymuch like to acknowledge the help and support of all of ourcolleagues and clients at The Oxford Group who have encouraged us indeveloping 5 Conversations and provided examples of the true power ofconversationinbuildingrelationshipsandimprovingbusinessperformance.

WewouldespeciallyliketoacknowledgeourcolleaguesCliveBarrow,OlivierHerold, Maggie Matthews, Sheena Porter, Chris Street, Gill Webb and LisaWilliamsfortheirconstantencouragementandhelpinrefining5Conversations;Claire Foster for her significant contribution to the development of the 5Conversationsprogramme;JamesMarshall,JanineSchindlerandDebbieWilkesfor their professionalism and enthusiasm in working with clients on theprogramme; our consultants worldwide, in particular Tessa Bradon, JenniferCramb, Julie Havard, Jenny Howard, Caro Kingsnorth, Robert-Charles Kahn,Judy Knight, AnneMerland, Robin Ryde, David Seow and NancyWang forproviding advice and feedback on 5 Conversations at various stages in itsdevelopment and for sharing real stories of how 5 Conversations hasmade adifferencetoclients;ourcolleaguesacrossTheOxfordGroupfortheirexpertiseandpatience in setting up support processes for5Conversations, in particularJennyGreenwayandKatrinaStrathearn;ourclientswhohavebeensogenerousingivingustheirtimetoattendpilotworkshopsorreviewvariousdraftsofthisbook–theirfeedbackhasbeeninvaluable:LaurentCamus,KateDee,BrunodeLacroix, John Devall, Alison Dubbins, Hugh Elliott, Chelsea Foxwell, NoelHadden, Chantal Hicks, Paul Iredale, David Kay, Helen Lancaster, SallyMcNab, Iain Lobban, AnnaMarkovits, Adrian Osbourn, Ruth Owen, EleanorTweddell, Steve Williams and Tim Williams; and finally Nina Griffiths forreviewing and editing our various drafts and Lynn Allison for creating theframeworkforthisbook.

Youhavehelpedusbring5Conversationstolife–thankyou!

Foreword

Attheheartoftheeconomicchallengeistheuncomfortabletruththat–althoughthereissignificantvariationbycountryandbyorganisation–typicallyonlyonethirdofourpeopleareengagedatwork,offeringmost,orall,oftheircapabilityandpotential. It is self-evident thatweneed tohavemanymoreofourpeopleofferingmuchmoreoftheircapabilityifwearegoingtocompeteandtobeableto offer the standard of living towhichwe aspire, and the public serviceswerequire.Inaddition,people’sexpectationsofhowtheyshouldbetreatedatworkare changing.We no longer automatically defer to ourmanagers and leaders.Peoplehavebeeneducatedtoexpecttheirvoicetobeheard.Thewayemployeesaretreatedatworkwillbecentraltomeetingtheseexpectationsandthereforetoengagingourpeople.

The‘EngagingforSuccessReport’thatNitaClarkeandIwrotein2009fortheDepartment of Business Innovation & Skills drew the evidence together thatthereisaveryclearcorrelationbetweenlevelsofengagementandorganisationalperformance. This evidence has been built on by a number of organisationsincluding Bath Business School which proved the link between employeeengagement and organisation performance in their seminal paper entitled‘NailingtheEvidence’.

InourReporttoGovernmentweoutlinedthefourkeyenablersofhigherlevelsofemployeeengagement:

•Visibleempoweringleadershipprovidingastrongstrategicnarrativeabouttheorganisation,whereithascomefromandwhereitaspirestogo.

•Engagingmanagerswhofocustheirpeopleandgivethemscope,whotreattheirpeopleasindividualsandwhocoachandstretchtheirpeople.

•Employeevoicethroughouttheorganisationforreinforcingandchallengingviewsbetweenfunctionsandexternally;employeesseenascentraltothesolutions.

•Organisationalintegritywherethevaluesonthewallarereflectedinday-to-daybehavioursandwherethereisno‘say-do’gap.

These four enablers offer, at the broadest level, a way of thinking aboutemployee engagement. The challenge for organisations is to determine whatpracticalactionstotakeinordertoputtheseenablersinplace,andincreasinglytheyarerecognisingthekeyroleofthelinemanagerinengagementthroughtherelationshipstheybuildwiththeirteams.

What this book does well is to identify the five conversations that engagingmanagersuseinordertobuilddeepermoretrustingrelationshipswithmembersoftheirteamsatwork.Itmakesacompellingcasefortheimportanceofhavingtheseconversationsandharnessesthelatestevidencefromneuroscienceonhoweffectiveconversations,heldwithhonestyandopenness,contribute tobuildingmore trusting relationships and how trust underpins productivity andperformance.

Therearenoquickfixesbutwithtime,attentionandconsistency,leaderscanusetheseconversationstodevelophabitswhichwillresultinproductiveworkplaces,bringing with them higher levels of employee well-being and sustainableeconomicperformance–whichbenefitsusall.

DavidMacLeodOBE

Co-chairofEngageforSuccessTaskForce

June2014

Preface

Overthepast30yearswehavebeenprivilegedtoworkatTheOxfordGroupinpartnershipwithmanyoftheworld’sleadingglobalorganisations.Ourmissionhasbeentopartnerwiththemtodeveloptheskills,behavioursandconfidenceoftheirexistingandfutureleadershipteams.

Foralmostthewholeofthatperiodourcompellingpropositionhasbeenafocuson custom-designing unique, tailored solutions that meet the preciserequirements of each organisation, often adapted for local language and localdeliveryaroundtheworld,workinginclosepartnershipwitheachclient.

This book represents a new departure for us. Over the past five years manyprospectiveandexistingclientshavechallengedustotellthemwhatwearebestat.Theyhaveaskedus, “What’syour signatureprogramme?”, “Wheredoyouhaveatrulyworld-classoffer?”,“What’stheuniqueareaoflearningwhereyouhavesomethingthatsetsyouapart?”

Thisreallygotusthinking.UptothenwehadchosentodefineourUSP(UniqueSelling Proposition) as designing and delivering bespoke, global learningsolutionsacrossthewholegamutoftheleadershipspectrum.

Couldweandshouldweidentifyaspecificareaoflearningthatdefinedthesoulof the company, and which everyone associated with our business would beproudtoadopt?

Intheenditdidn’ttakeuslongtoanswerthatquestion.Perhapswehadalwaysknownwhatoursignatureofferreallywas.

Over the years we have designed and run countless programmes to enableleaderstoholdmoreauthenticandopen,two-wayconversationswithmembersof their teams, with the objective of building truly trusting relationships.Wehavealwaysknowninstinctivelythatthesetrustingrelationshipsareattheheartof getting thingsdone atwork, of deliveringquality and service to customers.Sometimes the programmes have been called just that – Building Trusting

Relationships – but even when the subject has been about PerformanceManagementorCoachingSkills,whatwehavechosentofocusonhasbeenthequality of the conversation and the relationship rather than the process or thepaperwork.Ourmantrahasalwaysbeen“thespirit,nottheprocess”.

Therealbreakthroughcamewhenwereviewedoneofthebestprogrammeswehave ever run. It was designed for the global pharmaceutical businessAstraZeneca.Called“ConstructiveConversations”,AstraZenecathemselveshadidentifiedspecificconversationsthatleadersintheirR&Dfunctionsworldwideneeded to have, in order to deepen engagement and therefore improveperformance in drug development. This highly successful programme hadoutstanding feedback and some of the best evaluation results we had everachieved at that time. We were even able to correlate uplifts in employeeengagement amongst the teamswhosemanagers had attended the programme,bycomparisonwithteamswhosemanagershadn’t.

So in 2013we decided to take the best elements of this programme and thenenhancethemwithwhatwe’veobservedandlearnedfromworkingwithawiderange of global companies. We’ve also included insights from neuroscience,usedinourExecutiveCoachingpractice,onhowtrustisbuiltorundermined.

The outcome is this book, and a new workshop, called 5 Conversations toTransformTrustandEngagementatWork.

Wedon’tthinkthere’sanythingelseouttherethatgoesquitetotheheartofhowmanagers and leaders can build trusting relationships atwork, explainswhy itmattersinsuchcompellingtermsandprovidespracticaladviceonhowtodoit.

Andthereasonthatwesaythisisthatthe5Conversationsprogrammeisamuchdeeper and richer experience than a conventional skills workshop. It’s abouthelping leaders to develop a deep emotional commitment to holdingconversations by trying them out, feeling their power, and believing in theireffectiveness–andasaresultreturningtoworkwithagenuineactionplan.

We are receiving outstanding feedback from our clients about the programmeandwe’reindiscussionswithmanyofthemaboutadoptingitasacorepartofthewaytheydeepenengagementorembedanewcultureandvalues.Oneofourclients said “We’ve just rolled out our new values worldwide, and these

conversationsareexactlywhatweneedourleaderstoberolemodellinginordertoembedthesevalues.”

This book is our way of sharing this information with you, whether you canattend a 5 Conversations workshop or not. With this book, you can try 5Conversationsyourself.Weshowyouwhyeachconversationisimportant,howtoinvitepeopletohaveaconversation,examplesofwhattosayandastructurefortheinteraction.

There is overwhelming academic and empirical evidence that employeeengagement is critical to business success.Butmany commentators stop thereandofferonlygeneralised,organisational-levelsolutionssuchascommunicationplans, roadshows or team briefings. In this book we go further by makingconcrete, practical recommendations for what you can do as an individual tobuilddeeperlevelsofengagement.Forthefirsttimehere,weofferyouinsightsintothefivekeyconversationsyoucanuseatworktodeepenengagementandbuildtrust.

NickCowleyandNigelPurse

TheOxfordGroup,June2014

Contents

Praisefor5Conversations

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Preface

Chapter1Leadershipisrelationship

Chapter2Whydoconversationsmatter–thebusinesscase

Chapter3Whydoconversationsmatter–theneurosciencecase

Chapter4Gettingreadytoholdtheconversations

Chapter5Conversation1-Establishingatrustingrelationship

Chapter6Conversation2-Agreeingmutualexpectations

Chapter7Conversation3-Showinggenuineappreciation

Chapter8Conversation4-Challengingunhelpfulbehaviour

Chapter9Conversation5-Buildingforthefuture

Chapter10Otherwaystouse5Conversations

Chapter11Conclusion

AppendixConversationToolkits

Bibliography

Abouttheauthors

AFortune500companyinthefinancialservicessectorrecentlyhiredRobert,a senior executive with a competitor, with the deliberate intention ofappointinghimthesuccessortoalong-standingandsuccessfulCEO.Roberthadbeenthenumbertwoinhisoldbusinessandwaswidelyrespectedinthesector for being a shrewd and technically-savvy operator. Thiswas his bigchancetostepup.Hisrolewastorunamajorpartofthebusinessoveratwo-year period to learn the ropes so that he would be ready to step into theexisting CEO’s shoes at the end of that period. Analysts, investors andcommentators were informed of the plan, and the organisation lined upbehindtheCEOandhisnewhiretomakeithappen.

As the two-year deadline approached, staff and commentators alike wereastoundedtolearnthatRoberthadresignedtomoveintoanotheroperationalrolewithacompetitor.TheCEOwasembarrassedtohavelosthissuccessor.Analystsmarked thebusinessdownand the stockpricedipped.Whatwentwrong?

Wehadtheopportunitytotalkwithanumberofseniorexecutiveswhowereworking in thebusinessover the two-yearperiodand theirobservationsaretelling.RobertmovedintohisofficeontheC-suitelevelofatowerblockinCanary Wharf in London’s Docklands Development. He put in place aninfrastructureofprocesses, reportsand regularmeetings inorder tomanagehispartofthebusiness.Hepublishedhisvisionforthefutureofthebusinessanddefined thevalues itwould stand for.Hehadmeetingswith customersandanalysts.Hewasdiligent,efficientandbusiness-like,turningupforworkearly every morning and working late into the evening. But within a fewmonthsakeymemberofhisteamlefttojoinacompetitor,andthenanotherand a third found a transfer into another part of the business. Performancedippedandseveralotherkeyindividualsleftormadeitclearinternallytheywerelookingtomove.Whatwashappening?

Thisiswhatsomeexecutivesfromthebusinesstoldus:

“Wecouldn’tworkforhim.Itwasjusttoohard.Youneverknewwhereyouwerewithhim.Onedayhewouldbecharmingandwarm;thenexthewouldcutyouoffatthekneesinameeting.Heneverlefthisofficeorwalkedround

the business and talked to people. Itwas impossible to build a relationshipwithhim.Weneveroncehaddiscussionsaboutourdevelopmentorpersonalgoals. Itwasall transactional– justabout thebusinessand theperformancetargets.Itjuststoppedbeinganyfun.There’sonlysolongthatyoucantakethis.Thebestpeopleinhisteamsimplywalked.Whywouldyouputyourselfthroughthatwhenyoudon’thaveto?IntheendtheCEOrealisedRoberthadzero credibility as his successor and they agreed hewould resign and theywouldmanage it as an amicable departure, but no one is really under anyillusionastowhathasactuallyhappened.”

Insomanyorganisationstoday,leadersseemtohaveforgotten(orneverlearnt)thepowerandimportanceofbeingsimplyhuman–ofbuildingpersonaltrustingrelationshipswiththosetheylead,oflisteningtootherswithcareandhumanity,ofmakingthingshappenthroughdeepemotionalengagementwiththepeopleintheirteams.

Howisleadershipchanging?Aswe approach the third decade of the 21st centurywe believe there is nowcompellingevidencethatwealsoneedtoenteraneweraofleadershipwheretherequirement for leaders to build and maintain genuinely trusting relationshipswiththosetheyleadtakescentrestage.

Holdonamoment.Haven’t relationshipsalwaysbeenat theheartofeffectiveleadership?Yes they have, in the sense that the best leaders have known thisinstinctively.

However, our observation is that in most organisations today, and for manyleaders,relationshipbuildingisstillseenasanoptionalextra–a“nicetohave”featurerather thananessentialcomponentofeffective leadershipperformance.Whydowesaythis?Becauseit’sonlyinthelastdecadethatwehavehadclearevidencethatpeople’sengagementatworkcorrelatesdirectlywiththequalityoftherelationshiptheyhavewiththeirlinemanager–andthatthereisaclearlinkbetweenpeople’sengagementandtheperformanceoftheirorganisation.

Andas thisevidencehasemerged,sosomeorganisationshavestartedtofocuson the quality of leaders’ relationshipswith their people as a critical factor inorganisational performance.And somehave evengone further, setting explicitexpectationsofleadersthatbuildingandsustainingtrustingrelationshipsisakeypart of their role, and showing them how to do it. Andwe’ve been fortunateenough to havewitnessed this at first hand and partneredwith some of theseorganisationstodevelopanewapproachthatmakesitareality.

Butstillinmanyorganisationstheideathataleadercanandshouldbeworkingproactively to build trusting relationships with members of their team as acentral, even fundamental, part of the job is either off their radar or activelyrejected. Many organisations still promote a very different approach whereleaders are expected to be visionary, decisive, compelling individuals whoachieve results through drive and force of personality. Whether they havetrusting relationshipswith their people is practically irrelevant. In some casestheywill,inothercasestheywon’t.Whethertheydoornothaslittletodowithwhatisexpectedofthemasleaders.Furtherevidenceforthisviewexistsinthecompetencyframeworksandleadershipcurriculuminmanyorganisationswherethequalityof leaders’ relationshipswith theirpeople iseitherabsentorhardlyfeatures.

Indeedaschoolofthoughtstillexiststhatleadersshouldnotget“tooclose”totheir people, for fear of undermining their authority. We have even recentlyheard theoutdatedviewadvocated thateffective leaders“keeppeopleon theirtoesbyinstillingabitoffearanduncertainty”.Intoday’sworldofworkwhereintellectualcapitaliskeyandwhereyouneedpeopletobringtheirintelligence,creativity,passionandcommitment totheirwork,suchanapproachisdoomedto failure. Indeed we argue this is a deeply unhelpful view of what effectiveleadership looks like.Thisviewis reinforcedby thefindingsofJimCollins inGood to Great 1 where a key factor in building a great organisation was thepresence of a “Level 5” leader, who “builds enduring greatness through aparadoxicalcombinationofpersonalhumilityplusprofessionalwill”.

Intoday’sworldofworkpeople’sexpectationsofhowtheywillbetreated,andhow theywillbe talked to,havechangedprofoundly. InhisbookNeverMindthe Bosses: Hastening the Death of Deference for Business Success 2, RobinRydeargues:

“Thewaywe talk toone another inorganisations is a critical differentiator ofsuccess...Managersandleaderscastlongshadowsandtheyintroducepatternsofdiscoursethatgivepermissionforotherstoadoptthesamehabits...Itisthroughanadult-to-adultdiscoursethatwemightproperlyandappropriatelyconfronttheissues that need tobe addressed inbusiness sowecan avoid thenegative anddivisive consequences of allowing issues to fester and blame to grow. Thequalityofconversationweengageincouldnotbemoreimportantinthemodernage.”

Wewanttoconvinceyouthatworkingtobuildtrustingrelationshipsisyourfirstandmostprofounddutyasaleader.Whenyouhavetrustingrelationshipswiththepeopleinyourteam,anythingispossible;whentrustisabsent,littleoflong-term,sustainablevaluecanbeachieved.

Wewillalsoargue that it ispossible toworkat,practiseandbecomebetteratbuildingeffective,trustingrelationshipsbyre-discoveringafundamentaltruth–thepowerofhonest,authentic,two-wayhumanconversationsatwork.Wewillargue that throughout humanhistory people have talked to each other – usinggestureandtouch,smilesandfrowns,mythsandstories–tobuildcollaborationandtrustandgetthingsdone.Somehowintoday’sworldoftechnology,email,socialmedia, remoteworking and globalisationwe have forgotten this simpletruth. As human beings, relationships matter deeply to us.We can’t functioneffectively without them and that applies just as much at work as it does athome.And thequality of the relationshipyouhavewithyour linemanager atwork is crucial to your performance and willingness to go the extra mile –whetheryousitinthesameofficeasyourmanagerorinadifferentcountry.

LeadershipandRelationshipsInourworkoverthepastdecadewehaveseentwonewideasemergethattakentogetherwillhaveaprofoundeffectonwhatpassesforexcellenceinleadership.Thefirstconcernswhateffectiveleadersdo,thesecondwhyandhowtheydoit.

First, there is overwhelming evidence from academic research, governmentinvestigationandprofessionalsworkinginthefield, thatwhenemployeeshavehigh levels of engagement this has a significant, measurable and

transformational impact on organisational performance. And the research alsoshows that it is thequalityof the relationshippeople feel theyhavewith theirimmediate leader or manager that is the primary driver of these feelings ofengagement.Sorelationshipsreallymatter.Theyarenotanoptional, takeitorleaveitfactor.Theyareafundamentalenablerofyourandyourorganisation’sability toattract,keepandget theverybestoutofyourpeople.Leadership isrelationship.No relationship – no leadership. Leadership is about the trust,stewardship, concern, understanding and humanity you demonstrate towardsthosewhomyoulead.Ifyoucanbuildsuchrelationships,addvaluetopeople’slives, enable them to flourish and grow, youwill earn their loyalty, trust andlastingcommitment.

AsglobalresearchorganisationGallup3says,“Howemployeesfeelabouttheirjobstartsandendswiththeirdirectsupervisor.Ifemployeesfeel,amongotherthings, that theirsupervisor takesa real interest in theirdevelopment,oroffersfrequentpraiseandrecognition,theyareverylikelytobeengaged.Ifcompaniesthroughoutyourcountryhiretherightpeopletoleadandactivelyencouragetheengagementoftheirworkforces,economicdominancewillbesuretofollow.”

And it’s not just research into employee engagement which emphasises theimportanceofbuildingrelationships.Thelatestevidencefromthegrowingfieldofneurosciencealsoshowswhythetypeofconversationsyouhavewithothersand how you approach them has a fundamental effect on their behaviour andworkperformance.

Secondly,howdoeffective leadersbuild trustingrelationships?Wenowknowthat effective leaders use authentic, two-way human conversations to buildtrusting, productive relationshipswith teammembers and others around them.Buildingtheseconversationsintoyourdailylifeatwork(andbeyond)willnotonlymakeyouamoreeffectiveandproductiveleader,butwillalsogiveyouadeepsenseoffulfilmentandenhancedqualityoflife.Nolongerisitthecasethatthe quality of the relationships you have at work is something random ormysterious.There isgrowingevidencethat,whetheryouarean introvertoranextrovert,a technicalexpertorageneralist,asalesexecutiveoranaccountant,you can deepen your relationships by consciously building these keyconversationsintoeverydayofyourworkinglife.

And the real beauty of this finding is that you don’t have to be slick, word

perfect, or a great conversationalist for this to work. You just have to beauthentic–toentereachconversationwiththegenuineintentionofmoredeeplyunderstanding your colleague, showing care and stewardship, and providingsupportandencouragement.

Whatarethekeyconversationseffectiveleadersuse?Throughourworkwiththousandsofleadersinhundredsoforganisationsaroundthe world we have identified the five critical conversations that the mosteffectiveleadersusetobuildandsustaintrustingrelationships.Theseare:

1.Establishingatrustingrelationship–aconversationwithateammembertoshareadeep,mutualunderstandingofyourrespectivedrivers,preferences,motivatorsandde-motivatorsforhighperformanceatwork,andtounderstandwhatmakeseachothertick

2.Agreeingmutualexpectations–aconversationaboutnotonlywhatyouarebothtryingtoachieveatwork,butalsowhy,andtheexpectationsyoucanhavetosupporteachotherinachievingtheseoutcomes

3.Showinggenuineappreciation–aconversationtohelpateammemberfocusonwheretheyarebeingsuccessful,tojointlyunderstandthereasonsfortheirsuccess,tosayhowmuchyouappreciatetheircontributionandtofindfurtherwaysinwhichtheycandeploytheirskillsandtalentstobenefitboththemselvesandtheorganisation

4.Challengingunhelpfulbehaviour–aconversationtoagreeanewandmoreeffectivesetofbehaviourswhenwhatateammemberorcolleagueissayingordoingisgettinginthewayofteamperformance

5.Buildingforthefuture–aconversationtoexplorethefuturecareeraspirationsofateammemberandgiveyouthebestpossiblechanceofcreatingconditionsthatwillenablethemtobuildthatfuturecareerwithinyourorganisationratherthanelsewhere

Youmay feel these conversations sound simple andobvious andperhaps theyare.Buteveryleaderwetalktoagreeswiththisfundamentalobservation–thatintoday’sworldofworktheysimplydon’thappen–eitherenoughoratall.

To get you startedwewill give you a structure for each conversation, samplequestionsandideas,andaformattofollow.But–evenifyoustumbleoveryourwords, or forget a specific question, or end up off track – theywork anywaybecausewhatpeopledetectandrespondtoisyourgenuineintentiontomakeaconnection,tobeinterestedinthemasafellowhumanbeing,toreachout.

Of course, the conversations aren’t linear, following one after the othermechanistically. The most effective leaders have internalised them and movesmoothly fromone to the next throughout theirworking day.And they aren’tseen as additional conversations to be added to an already busy schedule, butrather as an even more effective way to use regular catch-up and reviewsessions.

Contrast these conversations with the old, top-down model of businesscommunication. Today’s employees question their employers and are notpreparedtobepassiverecipientsofinformation.InaHarvardBusinessReviewarticle,“Leadershipisaconversation”4,GroysbergandSlinddescribethenewrealityofleadershipcommunicationashavinganumberofdrivers,including:

1.Generationalchange–asmillennialsandotheryoungerworkersarebecomingagreaterproportionoftheworkforce,theyareexpectingpeersandmanagerstocommunicatewiththeminadynamic,two-wayfashion

2.Technologicalchange–asinstantconnectivityisthenormandsocialmediaplatformsaregrowingmorepowerful,businessesarefindingthattraditional,one-waychannelsofcommunicationareincreasinglyuntenable

“Smart leaders today,” say the authors, “engagewith employees in away thatresemblesordinaryperson-to-personconversationmore than itdoesaseriesofcommandsfromonhigh.”

Also contrast these conversationswith conventionalPerformanceManagementprocesses.Herethefocusisfrequentlyonthesystemandthepaperwork,rather

thanonthequalityoftheconversationsandtherelationship.Wehavelongmadea distinction between the process of performance management and the spirit.Theprocessfocusesonentering thedataandholding theappraisalsessionsontime. The spirit, so often lacking, should be a genuine, two-way conversationbetweenmanagerandteammembertounderstandwhattheyhaveachieved,thestrengths they have demonstrated, where their focus needs to be in the yearaheadandthedevelopmenttheyneedandseektogrowandbefulfilledintheirroleandcareer.

In this book we will show you why conversations matter – how they arefundamental to the performance of your team and organisation, and howconversationscreatetriggersinourbrainsrelatedtoourmostbasicinstinctsforsurvival. We will also show you how to integrate these five specificconversations into your daily life as a leader together with the changes ofmindset and beliefs that will lead you to make a permanent emotionalcommitmenttoleadinginthisway.Andattheendofthisbookyou’llfindsomeconversationtoolkits–practicalplannersandchecklistsyoucanusetohelpyouputtheconversationsintoaction.

Bebraveandtrythemout.Youwillfeelthepowerofbuildingdeeperandmoretrustingrelationshipsatwork.

Beforelookingatourfivespecificconversations,let’stakesometimetoexplorewhyconversationsaresoimportant.

Inthepreviouschapterweproposedthatconversationshelpbuildrelationshipswhich in turn promote employee engagement and have a critical impact onbusiness performance. Sowhat’s the evidence –what links are there betweenemployeeengagementandbusinessperformance?

Howcanemployeeengagementbedefined?First of all, let’s define employee engagement. There are a number ofdefinitions,buttheonewefindmosthelpfuldescribesemployeeengagementashavingthreekeyfeatures:

•Employeeshavingasenseoforganisationalcitizenship–beingproudtobelongtotheirorganisation,andbeingadvocatesofitsproductsandservicestootherpotentialemployeesandcustomers

•Employeesbeingwillingtogivetheirdiscretionaryeffort–togotheextramile,orputinthoseadditionalhourswhenneeded

•Employeeshavinganintentiontostay–coupledwithabeliefthattheyhaveroomtogrowandfulfiltheirpotentialandcareeraspirationswithintheorganisation

Employee engagement is therefore different from the earlier measure ofemployee satisfaction that many organisations monitor. Employees may besatisfiedatworkwiththeirrole,termsandconditionsorworkingconditions,butnotnecessarilywillingtodemonstratewhole-heartedcommitment.Engagementontheotherhandisexactlyabouttheirwillingnesstogoaboveandbeyondtheirstandard job description because they believe in their organisation, arecommittedtoservingtheircustomersandproudtobelong.

Whyisemployeeengagementsoimportant?Before we come on to the evidence of the link between high levels ofengagement and superior business performance it’s worth touching on thepossible reasons for this linkage. The most powerful is that employeeengagementdrivescustomeradvocacy.Customeradvocacyshouldarguablybetheultimategoalofallorganisations–thatstatewherecustomersaresopositiveabout their experience of doing business with you that they proactively andconsciouslyrecommendyoutootherpotentialcustomers.AndastheCEOofaFortune500healthcarecompanytoldus,

“Wecanonlyachievehighlevelsofcustomeradvocacyifourfrontlineteams,the people our customers interact with every day, are themselves passionateaboutandcommittedtotheservicesweprovide.”

Nowlet’slookattheresearchAlltheresearchpointstothefactthatthehigheremployeeengagementisrated,themoresuccessfultheorganisation–insales,profit,returnoninvestmentandcustomer satisfaction. The evidence gathered byMacLeod andClarke in their2009 report “Engaging for Success” 5 showed clear, defined and repeatedcorrelations between employee engagement and organisational success. Morerecently the Engage for Success workgroup’s report “Nailing the Evidence” 6alsounderscoredtheselinks,highlightingresearchevidencefromAonHewitt7,Gallup 8,Hay 9,Kenexa 10andTowersWatson 11, amongst others,whichyearafter year consistently demonstrate the benefits of high employee engagementacrossthefullrangeofbusinessperformancemetrics.

KeystatisticsfromNailingtheEvidence[6]

“Nailing the Evidence” concludes, “No wonder 94% of the world’s mostadmired companies believe that their efforts to engage their employees havecreatedacompetitiveadvantage.”

Whatdoactual levelsofemployeeengagement look likeglobally,andwhat isthepotentialimpactoftheselevelsofengagementforthecountriesconcerned?In2012Kenexa12reportedthesepercentagesofengagementbycountry:

%workforcewhichisengaged

Whyshouldthesenationscareabouttheirlowengagementscores?Wegobackto what Jim Clifton of Gallup says: “... there will be plenty of new potentialcustomersinthecomingdecades.Rightnow,theworld’sGDPisUS$60trillion,andthatfigurewillgrowtoUS$200trillioninthenext30years.Simplyput,theglobaleconomywillhaveUS$140trillionworthofnewcustomers.Whenandifyourcompany,andthencountry,doublesitsworkforceengagement,onlygreatthingswill follow:aneconomicboom,anexplosionof innovative ideas,andasurge inentrepreneurship.Nocountrycan rampup ideasandentrepreneurshiphighenoughrightnow.Thereareliterallytrillionsincustomerrevenuewaitingtobewon.”3

Whatdriveshighlevelsofemployeeengagement?MacLeodandClarke5identifythefollowingfourkeyfactors:

1.Visible,empoweringleadershipthatprovidesastrongstrategicnarrativeabouttheorganisation–whereithascomefromandwhereitisgoing

2.Engagingmanagerswho:

•Focustheirpeopleandgivethemscopetoinnovateandcontribute

•Treattheirpeopleasindividuals–andbuildindividualrelationships

•Coachandstretchtheirpeople

3.Thevoiceoftheemployeeisheardthroughouttheorganisation–sothatinformationandideasdonotjustflowdownwardsfromthetop,butcascadeupwardstoo

4.Thereisorganisationalintegrity–wherethevaluesonthewallarereflectedinday-to-daybehaviours

They comment that, “These four factors emerge consistently, time after time,andinallgeographiesasthedriversofemployeeengagement.”

And this brings us to the (maybe literally) sixty-four million dollar question.What can organisations actually do, in down-to-earth, practical terms, toinfluence these drivers of employee engagement in order to achieve employeeengagementscoresinthetopquartileofcomparableorganisations?

Youmayhaveexperiencedfirst-handsomeof the initiatives thatorganisationshave adopted, which tend to include surveys and organisation-widecommunications–butisithavingabigenoughimpact?

TheHeadofEmployeeEngagementforaleadinginternationalenergycompanytoldus,

“I’ve been in this role for seven years. Each year we’ve run our EmployeeEngagementsurveyandbeenunhappywiththeresults.Icreateanactionplanwithroadshowsandpresentations.Everyonedoestheirdutyandparticipates,but nothing actually changes. This year I’m doing something different. I’mtargetingfirst linemanagersandgivingthemtraininginhowtobuildcloserrelationshipswiththeirpeoplebyholdingengagingconversations.”

Why are companies switching focus from organisation-wide actions tofocusingonwhatindividualmanagerscando?

This Head of Employee Engagement isn’t alone. Increasingly companies arebecoming frustrated at the lack of impact that their company-wide, top-downinitiatives arehaving, and are looking atwaysof improving engagement from

thebottomup;managerbymanager.WeknowfromGallup’sresearch3thattheprimary driver of an employee’s feelings of engagement is the quality of therelationship they feel they havewith their immediate linemanager. It is oftensaidthatwe“joinacompany,butleaveamanager”andtheresearchshowsthistobetruerthanweknew.

More and more organisations are therefore focusing directly on giving linemanagers the tools, skills and confidence to build closer and more trustingrelationshipswithmembersoftheirteams.

Howcanyoubuildtrustingrelationships?Aswewillseeinalaterchapter,trustcomesfromacombinationoffactors,suchascredibility,reliabilityandintimacy.Butevenifyouunderstandthosefactors,howcanyoubuildthem?Withsomanyfactorsthatcanimpactontrust,howcana manager know which factors are most important and where to place mosteffort?

There have beenmany research studies into the issues of trust. Atkinson andButcher13proposethattherearetwomainbasesoftrustinamanagerialcontext:

•task-basedcompetence:basedonfactorssuchasprofessionalcompetence,reputationandrolelegitimacy

•personalmotives:basedonfactorssuchascommunication,socialinteractionandpersonalitytraits

Theyconcludedthatalthough‘utility’relationships–wherethefocusisonwhatthe other person can provide – can function just on competence-based trust,‘personal’ relationships–where the focus ison the relationshipwith theotherperson and giving it commitment and emotional attachment – requires highlevelsofbothcompetence-andmotive-basedtrust.Theyalsofoundthatpersonalrelationshipsareperceivedtobeofhighervaluetothepartiesinvolvedandbringmorebenefitthanutilityrelationships.

Therehaveevenbeen investigations into thedifferent factorswhich impactontrust.Forexample, intheJournalofBusinessStudiesQuarterly,ShpëtimÇerri

presentedastatisticalanalysisofwhichfactorshavethegreatestcorrelationwiththequalityofbusinessrelationships14.Çerritookthefivefactorsthataremostcommonlycited in academic researchashavingan impacton trust, aswell astesting out the hypothesis that trust is positively correlated with relationshipquality.Thediagrambelowshowshisfindingsintermsoftheorderinwhichthefactors impact on trust,with social interactions having the greatest correlationandpersonalitytraitstheleast.

Factorswhichimpactontrustinorderofstrengthofcorrelation

FromShpëtimÇerri,JournalofBusinessStudiesQuarterly,2012,Vol.4

Çerri’sresultsechoresearchfromawidenumberofindustries.Whenitcomesdown to it, a manager’s ability to have meaningful social interactions andcommunicationshasthemostimpactonthetrustwithinarelationship.

And as we have seen, at the heart of this is the ability and emotionalcommitment to hold authentic, open, two-way human conversations. AsGroysberg&Slindobserve:

“Today’s leaders achieve farmore engagement and credibilitywhen they takepartingenuineconversationwiththepeoplewhoworkforandwiththem.”4

Conversations that aim tobuild trusting relationships betweenyou andyourteam members help you to build strong individual relationships with eachmember of your team, a key driver of engagement. They also contribute toorganisationalintegrity,wherethereissynergybetweenthevaluesyoupromoteandthebehaviouryoudemonstrate.

Conversations aboutmutual expectations and the “why” you are seeking toachieve certain goals help to give your people that vital sense of strategicnarrative – where the organisation is going and why it matters. Theseconversationsalsohelppeopletofeelstretchedanddeveloped.

Conversations that show genuine appreciation can help to give people evenmorescopetoinnovateandcontributefromtheirownuniqueskillset.

Conversations that challenge unhelpful behaviour are also key toorganisational integrity as behaviour that is inconsistent with espoused valuescanbechallengedandmodified.

Finally, conversations that seek to build the future together make a majorcontribution to people feeling coached and developed – and having a genuinecareerpaththatcontributestoanintentiontostay.

InsummarySoinsummary,thereisachainreaction:

Thechainreactionfromconversationsthroughtobusinessperformance

Employee engagement hasmoved to themainstreamof business concern, andbecomeakeymetricforalltheworld’sleadingorganisations.Afterreadingthischapter you canunderstandwhy.Butwhat often fails to be addressed iswhatorganisationscanactuallydoinpracticaltermstoimproveit.

Here, for the first time, we offer a practical approach that focuses on givinginsightsintotheconversationsyoucanholdthatwillimprovethequalityoftherelationshipsyouhavewithmembersofyourteam.Andasaresultyouwillhaveaprofound,positiveimpactontheirfeelingsofengagement.

Having looked at the importance of conversations in improving businessperformance, in thischapterwereviewthe latestneuroscienceinsightsonwhyrelationshipsmatter,andhowleaderscanmodify theirbehaviour tobuild trustand engagement. In particular we see what neuroscience tells us about thephysicalimpactofconversations,andhowthoseinsightscanhelpuspreparefortheconversationsweneedtohave.

Whatisneuroscience?Neuroscienceisanexplodingfieldofresearch,drivenbynewtechniquessuchasMRI(magneticresonanceimaging)whichallowscientiststoseechangeswithinthe brain as people feel different emotions, make decisions or deal withproblems.Therearepowerfulinsightsfromthisresearchwhichcanhelpleaderstobecomemoreconsciousoftheimpactoftheirbehaviour,moodsandemotionson others, and to modify them in order to build trust, relationships andcollaboration.

Theseinsightsstartwithasimplepropositioncalledthetriunebrainhypothesis(originallydevelopedbyPaulDMacLeanin1970anddevelopedfurtherinhiswork“TheTriuneBraininEvolution”in199015)whichhelpsustounderstandtherolethatdifferentpartsofthebrainplayindealingwiththreats,rewardsandrelationships.Inthistheorythebrainissaidtobemadeupofthreeoverlappingelements–thebrainstem(orreptilebrain),themammalian(orlimbicbrain)andthe human (or thinking brain). Because evolution cannot “un-make”what ourDNA is programmed to build in each new human being, it has to build newfeaturesontopof thosethatarealreadyinplace.Sowhetherwelikeitornot,ourhumanbrainscontainthesethreecomponentsandtheyallhavethepotentialtodriveourbehaviour–eitherconsciouslyorunconsciously.

Thethreepartsofthebrain

Thejobofourreptilebrainistopursuesurvival.Locatedatthetopofthespineit regulates hundreds of vital activities such as breathing, heart rate, liverfunction,wakingandsleeping–infacteverythingthatisunconsciousandlife-critical.Anditisjustaswellthatitdoesso,aswewouldbetotallyoverloadedwith data and decision-making if we had to manage these things with ourconsciousbrain.

On top of our reptile brain sits our mammalian brain which evolved whenmammalsfirstappeared,bearingliveyoungandneedingtonurtureandcareforthem. This is where emotions, feelings and relationships are shaped andmanaged, andwhere some of themost powerful drivers of our behaviour arelocated–eventhoughwemightnotrealiseit.Typicallyhumanbeingsaresaidtohavesevenbasicemotions:anger,disgust, fear,sadness,happinessandloveplussurpriseor“startle”whichmediatesthestrengthoftheotheremotions.Thefirst four are often called negative emotions but are still extremely powerfuldriversofourbehaviour.

Finally, on top of the mammalian brain sits the human (or thinking) brain.Unique to humans this brain enables us to do conscious, rational thinking,planningandacting.Andhere’stheproblem.Ourability tothink,planandactrationallymisleadsusintobelievingthatrationalthinking,planningandactingisactuallywhatdrivesourbehaviourashumanbeings.Nothingcouldbefurther

fromthetruth.

Whatdrivesourbehaviour?What we now understand is that much of our behaviour is driven by ouremotional mammalian brains, and our thinking brain then rationalises thisbehaviour so that we convince ourselves that what we have said or done isrationalandlogical.Infactwecanallrecognisethatadecisiontospendmoneyonanewcar,orphoneorfashionaccessoryisdrivenbyhowitfeels,andthenlater we find rational arguments to justify our purchase to ourselves or ourpartner. Equally, this iswhat is happeningwhenwemake an instant decisionabout a candidate at the start of a selection interview (based on an emotional“gut reaction”), and then spend the rest of the interview searching for data tobackupourinitialdecision.

Whatislesswellappreciatedisthat,asStevenPinkerthecognitivescientistputsit, “ourmost ardentemotionsareevoked...byotherpeople” 16.Unconsciouslywe are continuouslymonitoring howwe feel about the people around us – atwork and outside work. In situations of collaboration, or trade, or potentialconflictweareaskingourselves“Howfar can I trust thisperson?”Wesearchunconsciouslyforthoseminisculechangesinfacialexpressionorlanguagetonethatgiveus theconfidence to trust,ormakeuswary,cautiousandsuspicious.Evolutionhasprogrammedustobeexperthumanliedetectors.

Inthepastitwasbelievedthatthecomplexityofthehumanbrainevolvedasaresultoftheopportunitiesforevolutionaryadvantageprovidedbytheuseofevermorecomplexandsophisticatedtools.Manyscientistsnowbelievethatfarandaway the most complex activity our brain manages, and which drives itsincrediblecomplexity,isthemanagementofourrelationshipswithotherpeople.In other words, the brain is the “organ of relationship”. Some scientistsdescribehomosapiensasa“hyper-social”species,tomakethesamepoint.Yetbecausewe are largely unconscious of the immense skill, dexterity and speedwithwhichwe use language, gesture, facial expression,mood and emotion tomanage our relationships with those around us, we vastly underestimate thecomplexityoftheprocess.

Whatelsecausesustobeemotionalratherthanrational?Itisworthmentioningonefurthercomponentofthebrainthatcanalsoexplainoursometimes“irrational”behaviour–theamygdala.Locateddeepinthebrain,near the limbic system, the amygdala performs primary roles in the formationandstorageofmemoriesassociatedwithemotionalevents.Thesememoriesthenprovideuswithafundamentalsystemwhichcausesustomovetowardspeople,events or situations that will provide rewards and pleasure, and away frompeopleorsituationsweassociatewithriskandthreat.

Itistheamygdalathatsetsofftheflightorfightreactionweareallsofamiliarwith: the racing heart and other physiological changes that get us ready forurgentaction.

Notonlyistheamygdaladesignedtowithdrawoxygenfromthethinkingbrain–soyouaremorelikelytoactonyourimpulses–butmoreinterestinglythekindof thought processes that you have in your head become repetitive. In theworkplaceitcansoundlike‘Iwilllookfoolish;peoplewilldislikeme;therewillbe an argument ...’ looping round in your head, so all you’re getting is aheightened state of fear which is having a huge impact on your senses andmuscles.

And of course the amygdala’s instantaneous response to the possibility of athreat makes complete sense in evolutionary terms. If the sound of a twigsnapping behind you in the forest startles you, setting off the fight or flightresponse,andscaringothersaroundyouwithyourreaction,that’sagoodthingforyoursurvival.Iftherereallyisnothreat,youwerescaredbutyousurvived.Ittherewasarealthreatyouwerereadytoreacttoit,andoptimisedyourchancesofsurviving.

Thephrase“amygdalahijack”wasatermcoinedbyDanielGolemaninhisbookEmotional Intelligence 17. He uses the term to describe extreme emotionalreactions from peoplewhich come out before their rationalmind can regulatetheirbehaviour.We’veallhadtheexperienceofdoingsomethingintheheatofthemomentandthenregrettingitlater.Sowhydoesthishappen?

Whenfacedwithasituationwhichisthreatening,thestimulusgoesimmediatelytothethalamus,thepartofthebrainwhichrelaysmotorandsensorysignalstootherpartsofthebrain,whichdecidehowtorespond.Itsendssignalstoboththeamygdala and to the neocortex (the “thinking brain”). Realising that this is afightor flight situation, theamygdala sendsa rushof stresshormones throughthebody,hijackingthethinkingbrain,which–asitreactsslightlymoreslowlythantheamygdala–doesn’thaveachancetoregulatethereaction.Thiscanleadthepersontoreactirrationallyandpotentiallydestructively.

We feel fear at the prospect of a difficult conversation or presentation to fivehundred people because our brain has not evolved for success in the modernworld,butforsuccessashunter-gatherersontheplainsofAfrica.Sophisticatedhominids are only one or two million years old, we have probably only hadcomplexlanguagefor40,000yearsandwehaveonlyhadagricultureandlivedincitiesfor10,000years.Weareevolvedforsuccessinsmallgroupsofrelatedindividualsonthesavannahwheresafetycamefromvigilanceagainstpredatorsandthreatsfromrivalgroupsandfromtrustingcollaborationwithinthegroup.

Sotheproblemisthatourbrainsdon’trecognisethedifferencebetweenadifficultconversationandasabre-toothedtiger!

Whataretheimplicationsoftheseinsightsforleadersseekingtobuildtrustingrelationshipswiththosewhoworkforandwiththem?

Wetakethreekeylessons:

First, that leaders need to avoid (consciously or unconsciously) demonstratingbehaviourthatpeople’sprimitivebrainswillperceiveascreatingthreats,risksordanger. When this happens we know that deep-seated responses kick in thatcausepeopletobeclosed,defensiveandsuspicious.

Second, that leadersneed tobeawareof the importanceofcreatingconditionsthat will not only appeal to people’s rational brains, but also their positiveemotions creating a towards reaction, and a key way to do this is throughauthentic,honest,two-wayconversations.

And third – that you can’t fake it. Other people are too good at detectinginsincerity.Youneedtolookwithinyourself,putyourownegoandneedstoone

side,andseektogenuinelyunderstandandrelatetotheotherperson.Thisisnotabout being soft, but it is about honestly seeking a meaningful, high-qualityrelationship.

Howcanyouusetheseinsightsinpracticalwaystobuildrelationships?Weuseausefulmnemonic,FIVEC, tohelpusunderstandvarious factors inarelationshipwhichcanbuildtrust.Themorethesefactorsarepresent,themorelikelytheywillencouragepositiveemotionsfromtheotherpersonandcreateatowards reaction tous.When theseaspects aren’tpresent,or theiropposite is,then theyposea riskor threat to theotherpersonwhichwilldrive themawayfromus.

TheFIVECfactorswhichaffecttrustinarelationship

Familiarity: Familiarity or intimacy refers to the feeling of being in a closepersonal association with another person. Familiarity in human relationshipsrequires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability, and reciprocity. Traditionallyleadershavebeentaughtthatbuildingfamiliaritywiththosewhoworkforthemisanundesirablecharacteristic–evendangerousand likely toundermine theirauthority as leaders.New leaders are often taught to keep their distance fromtheir teams. We now know that creating opportunities and investing time todeeply understand members of your team, and to be prepared to revealsomethingofyourself,paysoffinminimisingtheirperceptionofyouasathreatorrival,andbuilds loyaltybyappealingtopeople’sneedtobelongandtofeelappreciated forwho they are.Becomingmore familiarwith a person helps us

developthelevelofmutualtrustwefeelwiththemand,asthisincreases,wefeelmorecomfortableandwillingtodiscussandsharecriticalinformation.Perhapsweshouldre-statetheoldsayingas“familiaritybreedscontentment”.

Influence: The level of influence you have over another individual has animpactontheperceivedthreatyoucanindirectlyordirectlycreateinthemandvice versa. Influence at work is often related to positional power and theassociated status symbols such as bigger desks, better offices or a differentuniformordresscode.Ifyouarethemanager,yourlevelofinfluenceoveryourteam member will be greater than the influence you have over your ownmanager.Other typesof influence thatcan impact theaway from and towardsresponses include interpersonal or social influence, resource control, technicalexpertiseandothersocio-economicfactorsbywhichwejudgerelativestatus.

Value:Peopleneedtofeelvaluedandrespectedforwhotheyareandwhattheydo.Theyalsohaveadeepneedtofeeltheyarebeingtreatedwithfairness.Whenpeople feel valued it generates a towards response, and when not valued, anaway from response. People can’t know that you value them and theircontributionunlessyoutalktothemandtellthemaboutit.Howoftenhaveweheardleadersatworksay,“WhyshouldIsaythankyoutohim/her?Theyarejustdoingthejobtheyarebeingpaidfor.”Well,nowweknowthatpeoplearenotmindlessautomatons,butdeeplydrivenbytheemotionstheyfeelfromhowtheyaretreated,andthesatisfactiontheygetfromwhattheydoatwork.Takingthe time to understand the contribution a team member is making, andauthenticallytellingthemhowmuchyouvaluethatcontribution,isakeypartofbuildinga long-term trusting relationship, and thus their engagement togo theextramile.

Empowerment: Empowerment refers to the degree of freedom to act thatpeoplefeeltheyhaveintheirdailywork.Numerousstudiesshowthatintoday’sworldofworkwherepeoplearecontributingtheircreativityandimaginationtotheorganisation,afeelingofempowermentisvitalinbuildingengagementandcommitment.Conversely,beingmicro-managedorcontrolledisseenasathreat.Butrememberthattheleveloffreedomandautonomypeopleneedtothriveandgenerateatowardsresponsevariesfrompersontopersonanddiffersatdifferentstagesoftheirpersonalandcareerdevelopment.Toomuchempowermentattooearlyastage,or toolittleempowerment toolate,couldgenerateanawayfromresponse.It’sthereforeimportanttodiscusswhatandwheretheboundariesare,

andensuretheappropriatelevelofsupport,sothatthey–andthebusiness–canthrive.

Clarity: Lack of clarity about the future is generally perceived as a threat,generating an away from response. Remember that our primitive brain iswonderingwhere the nextmeal is coming from.However, it is impossible toprovideclarityandcertaintyaboutthefutureallthetime.Asaleaderwhatyoucandoatworkistorecognisethatpeopleneedandvalueclarity,andprovideasmuchinformationaspossible–evenifthat’ssayingnothinghaschanged.

ThepowerofconversationintimesofstressA final insight into how an understanding of the brain can help leaders buildmoretrustingrelationshipsatworkconcernsthenatureof“stress”.Researchintothestresshormonecortisolandthechemicaloxytocin(whichislinkedtolove,trust and attachment) shows that exposure to the voice of a loved (trusted)person reduces cortisol and increases oxytocin. The result is less stress and“feelingbetter”.

In looking at the implications for leadership of neuroscience 18, experts PaulBrownandBrendaHaleshighlight anarticle in theFinancialTimesmagazinewhereGillianTett “featured theworkofProfessorAndrewLoatMIT.Undertheheadline‘Periodsofacutestressinthemarketsofferintriguingexamplesofhow our brains work’, she observed that when markets go into free-fall andtraders are hugely stressed they abandon their computers as sources ofinformationinfavourofpersonalandtelephonecontactwithpeopletheyknowand trust... This spontaneous and non-conscious action to get stress hormonelevelsdownand feel engagedbystimulatingoxytocinmakesus focusonhowleadersneedto‘humanise’,orshouldwesay‘brainwise’theworkplace.”

InsummaryThese latest insights fromneuroscience help us to understandwhy open, two-wayhuman conversations contribute towards building trust.They also give uspowerful pointers as to the behaviour we can deliberately adopt and avoid to

createapositive,constructiveatmosphereintheconversationsthemselves.

Having discussed why relationships matter at work, and how insights fromneuroscience can help usmodify our behaviour to create a towards response,let’sbrieflylookatthemindsets,feelingsandbeliefsthatwillhelpyoutoholdthese conversations effectively. We’ve provided conversation planners at theback of this book to take you through the process of each conversation, butyou’ll never get to the point of planning the process of a conversation unlessyou’vealsotakenintoaccountyourmindset,feelingsandbeliefs!

Asdiscussedearlier,youdon’tneedtobeanexpertconversationalist,talkativeextrovertoraself-confidentinfluencerinorderfortheconversationstowork.Infactitprobablyhelpsifyouarenoneofthese!

What’smuchmoreimportantisyourintentionandbeliefs.

Intention isabout themotives thatare inyourheartasyoustart to tryout theconversationswithyourcolleaguesandteammembers.Recallfromthechapteronneuroscience thatwe are all expert lie detectors.Wedo this unconsciouslyand we do it not just by listening to the words and questions but also byunconsciouslysensingtheunderlyingmotivesofourcolleaguethroughtheireyecontact, expressions, voice tone, mood and body language. As a result weintuitivelyfeelwhethertheirinterestinusisgenuineandauthentic,orfakeandself-serving.

Beliefs refers to the idea that much of our behaviour is driven by, oftenunconscious, beliefs thatwe hold about ourselves or others that can be eitherenabling or limiting. If you hold a belief that “relationships at work don’tmatter”,albeitunconsciously,thismaybealimitingbeliefthatgetsinthewayofyouinvestingefforttobuildstrongrelationshipsatworkandwilldriveyourbehaviouraccordingly.Ifyoucanidentifythisbelief,challengeitandre-frameitas an enabling belief, this can be a powerful driver of new and differentbehaviour,forexample,“Positiverelationshipswithkeycolleagueswillhelpmetobemoreeffectiveatwork,andtoenjoymyworkmore.”

Of course it helps to prepare thoroughly, to think about the questions andcommentsyouwill use in the conversation, and topayattention to things like

eye contact and body language. But it’s just as important to spend a fewmoments to reflect honestly on your intention and beliefs in holding eachconversation. Here are some questions to ask yourself as you embark on thisjourney.

WillHowwelldoyoureallywanttoknowthemembersofyourteam?Startwiththebasics.Howlonghavetheybeenintheirrole?Whatdidtheydobefore?Whatare their interests and passions outside work? What are the names of theirpartnerandchildren?Whataretheydoingintheirlives?Ifyoudon’tknowtheanswers to these basic questions, doyou reallywant to godeeper?Ordoes itmakeyoufeeluncomfortablethatyoucan’tanswersomeofthesequestions?It’snot too late. If you have the will to start building deeper and more trustingrelationships,youcandoit.

LegacyHow do you want to be remembered as a leader?What stories do you wantpeople to tell about you when you have moved on to your next role? Whatstorieswill people actually tell about you?What footprintwill you have left?Whenconfrontedwiththesequestionsleadersoftenstartwithlistsofwhattheywillhaveachieved,thenondeeperreflectionaskthemselvesabouthowtheywillhaveachievedit.Willpeoplerememberthetrusttheyhadinyou,yourcareandhumanity,theatmosphereoffunandachievementthatyoucreatedfortheteam,theopportunitiesfordevelopmentyouaffordedthem?

RelationshipsHowmuchdothequalityofyourrelationshipsatwork(andoutside)matter toyou?Whentheystoptoreflectonthisquestion,manyleadersconcludethatthequalityoftherelationshipstheyhaveintheirlivesisactuallythemostimportantthingofall.Thequalityof theconnectionswehavewithothersnotonlygets

things done but defines the sense of fulfilment and pleasurewe get from ourwork.

CourageWhydotheseconversationssorarelyhappenatwork?Inthefollowingchapterswe offer some of the reasons related to us by participants in 5Conversationsworkshops. But there’s always one deeper, underlying reason. Holding theseconversations takes courage. As we try them out and gradually find that ourfearsareunfounded,webecomemorewillingtoholdthem.Theyfeellikelessofarisk.Butinprospect, ifyouhavenotbeenusedtodeeplyquestioningandlisteningtoothers,norbeingvulnerableandopenaboutyourself,theydoseemlikearisk.Whatwillyoulearn?Whatmightyoureveal?Whatwillpeoplethinkabout you? Howwill the conversations affect your reputation?Will you findyourself in difficult situations, or knowing things about your people that youwouldrathernotknow?

StewardshipHowmuchdoyoureallycareabout,notjusttheperformance,butalsothewell-being of your team members? How strong is the sense of stewardship thatguidesyourdealingswiththem?Isthequalityoftheirworkinglifeimportanttoyou?Howmuchdoyouwanttoseethemsucceed,thrive,flourishatwork?Doesitmattertoyouiftheydon’tfeeltheyarelearning,developing,beingstretchedwithin your team?Does helping someone fulfil their potential and build theircareergiveyouasenseoffulfilmentanddeepsatisfaction?

CuriosityHowgoodalistenerareyou?Howgooddoyouwanttobe?Howcanyoulearntobeevenbetter?Whatmindsetcanyouadoptthatwillenableyoutobedeeplycuriousaboutthehopes,dreamsandfearsofmembersofyourteamandothercolleagues with whom you work? How will you feel when you have more

deeplyunderstood theaspirationsanddriversofall thosewhosurroundyouatwork?

MindfulnessAfinalelementofpreparationiscapturedbytheideaof“mindfulness”.WithitsrootsinBuddhism,themeditationtechniquesinvolvedinmindfulness–withitsprinciplesofattentivenesstothepresentandobservingwithoutcriticising–havegainedpopularityworldwideasamethodtohandleemotions.Inthecontextofpreparingtoholdaconversationitmeanstakingafewquietminutestoachieveastateofcalmnessandrelaxationinwhichyouturndownthedialonthechatterof self-talk that fills yourhead everyminute. Itmeans focusing clearlyon theneedsof theotherpersonand resolving to listenattentively to themwithyourwholeself.Andthenintheconversationitselfmindfulnessmeansbringingyourcomplete attention to the present experience on a moment-to-moment basis,beingconsciousofwhatishappeningwithoutjudgingit,andbeing“present”foryour colleague.Canyou clear yourmind and approach the conversation in anattentive and non-judgemental way, or is your mind too distracted and yourthinkingtoocloudedbypreviousprejudicestomaketheconversationeffective?

Areyouready?Wehope that reflectingon the ideas andquestionsabovehelpyou tobe fullyprepared to hold a great conversation with your colleague and make it morelikely that you will summon the bravery to start holding these conversations.And then,when you have felt their power, youwill add them into your dailyworkinglifeasanaturalpartofwhatyoudo,whyyoudoitandwhoyouare.

Acolleaguedescribesthisexperienceearlyinhiscareer:

Twenty-fiveyearsagoIhadjustlaunchedmyonemanconsultancybusinessasaproviderofrecruitmentandassessmentservicestolargeITcompanies.Ihadjustwonmyfirstclientthroughalong-standingrelationshipwiththeHRVP who had been my boss in a previous life. The client was a large ITbusinessandIwastoprovideaselectionandrecruitmentservicetotheSales& Marketing function, based in London. A couple of weeks into theassignmentIwasscheduledtomeetwiththeVPforSales&Marketing.ThiswasacriticalmeetingasheneededtoapprovethedecisionoftheHRVPtohireme,andIneededtogainhisconfidencethatIcouldprovidetheserviceshis function needed. This would have been enough to make me nervousanyway,butmyuneaseattheprospectofmeetinghimwasincreasedbythereputationhehadgainedsincejoiningthecompanyafewmonthsearlier–asatough,ruthlessoperatorwhodidn’tsufferfools.

ThedayarrivedwhenIwasscheduledtomeethim,havingspentthepreviouseveningpreparingmypitch.Igenuinelyhadnoideahowthemeetingwouldgo, but I was certain that I would have to answer tough and searchingquestions aboutmyexperience, credentials and recommendations forhow Iwouldcompletetheassignmentforhispartofthebusiness.

At the appointedhour Iwas seated in the reception area outsidehis office,tryingtorelaxwhilstIwaitedtobecalledintohisoffice.FinallythemomentarrivedandIheardhisvoiceovertheintercomaskinghisPAtoshowmeintohisoffice.Igatheredmypapersandsteppedinsideassheopenedthedoorandusheredmein.

Tomysurpriseherosefrombehindhisdeskandstrodeover,extendinghishand,andshookminewithawarmsmileandgreeting.Heinvitedmetositinsomecasualchairsalongsideacoffeetablewherehealsosat.Teaandcoffeewerenearbyandhefilledamugforme.Hethenturnedtomeandsaid,“So,John,tellmeallaboutyourselfandyourbusiness.”

TakenabackathiswarmthIstumbledthroughmybackgroundandmyplansand dreams for my little company. Throughout he smiled and nodded,keepingeyecontactandshowingrealinterestinmeandmyplans.Withinafew minutes I relaxed, beginning to enjoy the opportunity to talk aboutmyselfandmycompany.For45minuteshegavemehisundividedattentionandshowedgenuinecuriosityinme.Ifeltcompletelyateaseandenergisedbyhisinterestinme.

In the last 15 minutes he told me about the selection and assessmentchallengeshisfunctionwasfacing,and thesupport thatheneededfrommeoverthenextfewmonths.

I left his office feeling motivated and 100% committed to doing the bestpossible job I could forhim in themonths ahead, and Idid indeedgowaybeyondthecallofdutytomeethisneedsanddeliveragreatserviceforhimoverthisperiodandthenseveralyearsbeyond.

LookingbackIcouldbecynicalandsaythathewasusinghisobviousskillsas a super sales person towinmy commitment. But in away that doesn’tmatter.ThepointisthatIbelievedandfeltthathewasgenuinelyinterestedinmeandmylittlebusiness,andthathadamassiveimpactonmycommitmenttogotheextramileforhim.Andbecausehiswarmthwassounexpected,theimpactwasdoublypowerful.

WhatthisconversationisaboutThink about the people youworkwith. Therewill be the boss youwork for;therewillbethepeoplewhoworkforyou;therewillbeyourpeers,customers,suppliersandawholerangeofotherstakeholders insideyourorganisationandoutside.Nowthinkaboutthequalityoftherelationshipsyouhavewithsomeofthese people. Some will be easy, natural, open and positive. Others may beshallow,strainedorevendownrightdifficult.

Thisconversationisabouttakingconsciousstepstoestablishadeeperandmoretrusting relationshipwith keymembers of your team, and alsowith other key

colleaguesandstakeholders.

It’saboutcreatingaspacetobetterunderstandandknoweachotherintermsofwhoyouare,whatyoudo,howyoudoitandwhyyoudoit.It’saboutlisteningtoandsharinginsights,storiesandpointsofviewabouthowyoueachseeyourroleandtheworldaroundyou.It’sabouthavingtheintentionandthecouragetotalkwith eachother aboutwhoyou really are, andwhatmatters to anddriveseach of you – and to be genuinely interested in and curious about the otherperson. It’s about understanding each other’s drivers, motivations andpreferences.Whatgetsyououtofbedinthemorning?Whatdoesagreatdayatwork look like?Whenyouareat the topofyourgame,whatconditionsare inplace to cause this? What de-motivates you at work? It’s about sharing thisinformationwithanopenandnon-judgementalframeofmind.

Thisconversationisaboutbuildingtrust–eitherwhenfirstgettingtoknoweachotherasnewcolleaguesatwork,orwhenthereisabenefitfromre-buildingordeepeningarelationshipwithalong-standingcolleague.Trustisbothafuelinto,and an output from, these conversations. The better the quality of theconversation the more trust develops – and the more that trust develops thebetterthequalityoftheconversation.

The trust pyramid illustrates how, as levels of trust increase, we are able todiscussdeeperandmorepersonalareas:

TheTrustPyramid

WhythisconversationmattersThisconversationmattersbecauseasaleader,havingtrustingrelationshipswiththepeoplewhoworkforyouandwithyouisattheheartofgettingthingsdone.When trust exists in a relationship we are open to ideas, possibilities andcollaboration. Where trust is absent we are closed, defensive and suspicious.Where a trusting relationship exists, we are likely to be engaged – proud tobelong to our organisation, willing to go the extra mile and committed tobuildingourcareerhere.Trustimprovesefficiencybyincreasingthespeedwithwhichwework,andreducingbureaucracyandcost.

Thisconversationalsoenablesyou to tailor thewayyouworkwitheach teammember. Itgivesyou the insightsyouneed to fine-tune thewayyoudelegate,coach,challengeandsupportthem–tocreatetheexactconditionstheyneedtobeengagedanddeliverpeakperformance.Equallyitenablesyourteammemberto understand how you work best and therefore modify their style to one inwhich you will both be successful and productive. And if this conversationdoesn’thappenearlyinyourrelationshipwithanewteammember(eitherwhentheyarenewtoyourteam,oryoujoinasanewleader),yourisklosingavitalopportunitytolaythefoundationsforthetrustingrelationshipthatissovitaltocreatingahighperformingteamandgettingthingsdone.

Intheworkplacetrustisbuiltthroughhowwetreatandinteractwitheachother.Thequalityofconversationswehavewitheachothermattersdeeply,butsodoesourbehaviourinfollowingupandactingconsistently,honestlyandcongruently.Agreatconversationfollowedbyunreliableordishonestbehaviourdamagesordestroystrust.Thetrustequation19powerfullycapturesthisidea.

TrustEquation

DavidH.Maister,CharlesH.Green,RobertM.Galford:TheTrustedAdvisor,2000

Thetrustequationsuggeststhatthedegreetowhichwearetrustedbyothersisafunctionof fourfactors, threeofwhichcontributepositively towardshowwellwearetrusted,andonenegatively.

The three positive factors are our credibility, our reliability and the sense ofintimacy the other person feels they have with us. Credibility is about ourperceived competence and expertise, and the believability of our views andstatements. Reliability is about both the degree to which we deliver what wepromise,andalsothepredictabilityofourmoodsandemotions.Finallyintimacydescribestheclosenessoftherelationshippeoplefeelthattheyhavewithus.Inthe equation these three factors add to each other tomake our trustworthinesspositive.

However, the extent of our trustworthiness is then divided by the degree towhich others perceive us to be self-orientated. In other words, if our in-builthuman lie detector picks up that we are actually in this primarily for selfishmotives,tofurtherourownends,thisdramaticallyreducesthedegreetowhichotherswill trust us, despite any credibility, reliability or sense of intimacywegenerate.

This conversation can make a positive contribution to all elements of theequation,butithasaspecialpowerindeepeningintimacyand,whenheldwithan authentic intention to build trust and understand our colleague, in reducingperceptionsof self-orientation.Thisconversationalsomattersbecausewe tendto fall into habits with our relationships – at work but also outside work. In

marriagecounselling it iscommonforcounsellors toaskcouples,“Howmuchinvestment have youmade inmaintaining and building your relationship overthepast fewyears?”Frequentlycouplesare takenabackby thequestion.Overtheyearstheyhavestoppedbeinginterestedandcuriousabouteachother,lettingtheirrelationshipgetstuckonaplateau,orworse,allowingittodeclineinsmall,undetectablestepsasnewexperiences,feelingsorvalueswerenotdiscussedandshared.

Similarly at workwe oftenmake the effort in anew relationship to establishsomecommonground– shared interests,peopleweknow incommon, similarcareerexperiences–butafterthatweswitchtoauto-pilotandneverthinktotryto take things deeper or even keep up to date. And of course with somerelationships at work, perhaps that’s fine. We can’t have deep, meaningful,trustingrelationshipswitheveryone.Butatothertimesitdoesmatter,especiallywhenyouarealeaderseekingtobuildateamtodeliverchallenging,stretchingorganisationalobjectivesintimesofchangeandstress.

Acolleaguewasworkingwiththetop60partnersofagloballawfirmattheirinternationalconferenceinSingapore.Thethemeoftheeventwas“BuildingTrustandCollaboration”so thepartnershadbeenasked topractiseholdingthisconversationwithacolleaguefromanotherpartoftheworldwhomtheyknew lesswell.After the practice session, shewas facilitating a discussionabouttheimpactandusefulnessoftheconversationandoneparticipantmadeafascinatingpoint:

“Iwouldoftenhavethisconversationduringaselectioninterview,tofindoutwhatmakesthecandidatetick.Itnevercrossedmymindthatyoucouldhavethissameconversationaftertheyhadjoined!”

Ifyoumakethetimetoinitiateandholdthisconversationwithanopen,honestintent,youmakeitmorelikelythatpeopleyourelyonwillbepreparedtogotheextramile for you in themoments when it reallymatters. Conversely, if youneglect these conversations, take people for granted and rely upon a purelytransactionalrelationship,youriskatransactionalresponsefromothersinthosemomentswhenachievementofimportantgoalshangsinthebalance.

Finally, this conversation can provide a foundation for all your subsequentconversations. Having started this conversation, or held this as the first in aseries of conversations to better understand each other, it becomes easier andmorecomfortabletoinitiatethenextconversation,whetherthat’saboutsharingmutualexpectationsorchallengingunhelpfulbehaviour.

WhythisconversationoftendoesnothappenatworkFormanyleadersthisconversationissimplynotontheirradar.Theirworklifeis full of tasks, activities, deliverables, decisions and deadlines. Theirinteractions with their team members are purely transactional, made up ofinstructions,demandsandrequests.Andthemorethepressurebuilds,thegreatertheintensityofthesetransactionalinteractions.Butformostofus,evenasmallopportunityforreflectionisenoughfortherealisationtodawnthatwehavebeenneglecting thequalityof our relationshipswith teammembers andothers, andthat there will be immeasurable benefit in terms of team and businessperformancefromrebootingtheserelationships.

Another reason this conversation doesn’t happen is the (sometimes unspoken)beliefthatit’sdangerousforaleader’sauthorityforthemtobecometooclosetotheirpeople;peopleneedtorespecttheirleadersandiftheybecometooclose,orworseappeartobetryingtoingratiatethemselveswithmembersoftheir team,peoplewilltakeadvantagebyslackingatworkorbendingtherules.

Let’s deal with this objection head on. Firstly, we are not recommending orsuggesting that the purpose of this conversation is to become friends withmembersofyourteamorhavearelationshipwiththemoutsidework.Insteadweare talking about a trusting work relationship of mutual respect and sharedunderstandingofwhatmotivatesanddrivesyoubothatwork.

Secondly,wenowhaveamuchdeeperunderstandingofwhatmotivatespeopleatworktoday,andbeinginaweofadistantauthorityfiguredoesn’tfeature inthemix.Perhapstherewasatimeinthelasthundredyearsofbusinesslifewhenaleader inanorganisationcoulduse theirauthority toget thingsdonethroughcontrol, threats or bribes (though we doubt this ever resulted in genuine

engagementandcommitment).Butmanythinkers, fromAbrahamMaslowandDouglas McGregor to Frederick Herzberg and most recently Daniel Pink inDrive 20, have shown that realmotivationmust come fromwithin.Pink showsthatintoday’sworldwhereyouneedpeopletobringtheircreativeintelligencetowork,wearereallydrivenbyourneedsforautonomy,purposeandmastery.Ifyourroleasaleaderistocreateconditionsinwhichyourpeoplecanachievethese conditions, then this conversation is an essential first stage in doing so.Keepingyourdistancetoenhanceyourpositionofauthoritysimplywon’tcutit.

Another reason this conversation does not happen can be the feeling ofvulnerabilityitcancauseinyou.Howmuchwillyoufeelcomfortablerevealingaboutyourselftoacolleague?Whatiftheyaskyouquestionsaboutyourselfthatyoucan’tordon’twant to answer?Wenowknow that revealingvulnerabilitycanbeoneofthemostpowerfulwaysofbuildingtrust,buttheprospectmaystillleave you feeling uneasy.Our answer is that in the conversation youdo havecontrol over howmuch you reveal about yourself, and you need to trust yourjudgement in themoment as to how far to go. Themore trust you buildwithyour colleague, the further up the trust pyramid you can gowith a feeling ofsecurity.

Andnowthatyouarethinkingabouthavingthisconversationwithsomeoneatwork,youmayencounteranother,internalbarriertoholdingit,especiallywithcolleaguesyouhaveworkedwithforsometime.Youmaybefeelingawkwardaboutrevealingtothemthatyoudon’tknowasmuchaboutthemastheywouldexpectyouto.Becauseofthis,howwilltheyreact?Whatwilltheythinkofyou?What will you reveal about yourself? Our response would be – be brave!Chancesareyourcolleaguewillwelcomeandembracetheopportunityyouarecreating.

One of our colleagues works almost exclusively with start-ups and SMEs,especially in innovative technical fields, and chairs a small charity. Shereports,“Sincebecomingawareof the5conversations,I’veusedthemwithorganisationswith as few as ten people. In fact I findwhere the teams aresmall, relationship issues appear to be much bigger and have potentiallycatastrophic effects. Smaller businesses have the same problems hiring andfiringaseveryoneelse,buttheimpactsandcostsarerelativelygreater.InthecharityIworkwith,Iusedthe‘buildingatrustingrelationship’conversation

with onemanager that the Board viewed as difficult andwas immediatelyoverwhelmedwiththepositiveimpactithadonthatpersonassheexpressedherrelief.Isimplyaskedher,‘Wouldyouliketoworkwithmeonbuildingamoretrustingrelationship?’Ithadanimmenseimpactonmetoo.”

Finally,it’sworthsayingthatwearenotidealisticabouthowthisconversationwillturnouteachtimeyouholdit–andnordoweadvocatethatyoushouldbe.It’sinevitablethatsometimesyouwillmakeacloseandwarmconnectionwithyour colleague quickly, and at other times that connection will be harder toestablish. But even if you just make a small step forward in building therelationship, chances are youwill feel this isworthwhile and resolve to comebackandbuildonthisinafutureconversation.

WhythisconversationworksThisconversationworksbecause itappeals inparticular to twoof thefivekeyfactorsthatdriveourtowardsorawayfrombehaviours–familiarityandvalue.Recall that familiarity means having a shared sense of intimacy with anotherperson. A conversation to share your needs, drivers, feelings and preferenceswithanotherhumanbeing,inwhichyouarelistenedtoandappreciated,cannothelpbutdeepenthesenseoffamiliarityandintimacyyouhavewiththatperson.And the fact that another person has taken the time to give you their full andundivided attention, and sharedwith you their own needs and drivers, cannothelpbutmakeyoufeelvalued.

Andofcourseyoudon’tneedtoagreewitheachotheroneverypointinordertodevelop familiarity and feel valued.Often understanding each other better butacknowledginghowyouaredifferentwillhavethesameeffect.Thegreatthingaboutthisconversationisthatitprovidesaplatformfortherelationshiptobe maintained and extended over time by providing insights, referencepointsandmutualintereststhatcanberenewedandbuiltupon.

A colleague, Catalina, was coaching Luis, a senior client who managed ateamofsevenpeople inaventurecapitalcompany.OneofLuis’sconcerns

wasthathefeltthathisteamdidn’tparticularlylikehim.Asheworkedinthesameofficeashisteam,Catalinaaskedhimtodrawadiagramoftheofficeandshowwhereeveryonesat,includinghimself.Luisdrewthedesksandputeachperson’snamenexttoit.Thensheaskedhimaseriesofquestions:

“Who’sgotchildren?”

“Whohascoffeeinthemorningandwhohastea?”

“Who’sthenextpersonintheofficetohaveabirthday?”

“Wherearetheygoingonholiday?”

Luiswasstunned.Hedidn’tknowtheanswertoanyofthosequestions.Bycontrast,hecouldtellherwhichclientseachofhisteammanaged,howmuchrevenuetheywerebringinginandwheretheywereinrelationtotheirtargets.

Sowhydidn’theknowtheanswerstothosequestions?Catalinaaskedhimtodescribe what happened every day at the office. He would come into theofficefirstthing,gostraighttohisdeskandgetworking,andwouldn’treallytalkashehadsomuchtodo(asdideveryoneelse).Hetendedtodoallhiscommunications via email, including sending emails to people who weresittingonlyafewmetresawayfromhim,andhisemailswerealltodowithwork.

Havingdescribedthis,Luislookedthoughtful.

Thenext timeCatalinasawhimheproudlybrandishedaspreadsheet:“I’vegot the answers to all of your questions!” And there it was, a spreadsheetcontainingthenamesofeachofhis teammembersandtheirchildren,drinkpreferences,birthdays,holidaysandmore!

An extreme thing to do, but what was going on? Severalmonths after thecoaching ended,Luis contactedCatalina and said howmuchdifference herquestionshadmade.OK,sohe’dnoted theanswersdownona spreadsheetwhich may appear mechanistic, but the process he’d gone through to getthoseanswersmeantthatnowhewasactuallytalkingtohisteam,showinganinterestinthem,andgettingtoknowthemasawholepersonandnotjustasan employee.And theywere responding positively to his interest and their

performancewasgettingevenbetter!Headdedthatthishadalsohelpedhimwithhisclients.He’dalwaysfounditdifficulttohavesmalltalk,butnowthathe understands that small talk helps to build a relationshipwhichwill thenmakeclientsmorelikelytowanttodobusinesswithhim,henolongeravoidsit.

ThepracticalitiesofholdingthisconversationA.Identifyingwhotohavetheconversationwith,andwhyandwhenitwill

behelpful

Think about and note down the people in your teamwhere there is potentialbenefit from deepening your relationship. (Of course you can think aboutcolleagues and other stakeholders outside your team where this conversationmayalsobeveryuseful.)Someobvioussituationswouldinclude:

•Aneworrecentlyjoinedmemberofyourteam–andofcoursethisisagreatconversationtohaveonthefirstorseconddaythattheyjoinyourteam,perhapsbuildingondiscussionsyouhadduringtheselectionprocess

•Youhavejustjoinedasanewleaderoftheteamandneedtobuildrelationshipsquicklywitheachmemberofyournewteam

•Yourealisethat,althoughyouhaveworkedtogetherforsometimewithateammemberorcolleague,yourrelationshipisquitetransactional,youdon’treallyknoweachotherdeeply,andtherewouldbesomebusinessoroperationalbenefitfromunderstandingeachotherbetterandbuildingamoretrustingrelationship

•Youareinanexistingornewlyformedteamwhichisabouttofacesomedifficultchallengesorchange

•Youneedtobuildadeeperandmoretrustingrelationshipwithyourboss

Insummary, it isnever too late tohave thisconversation–and it isnever tooearly!

B.Settinguptheconversationandissuinganinvitationtoit

Everysituationisunique,andeachofushasourownpreferredwaysofworkingandcommunicating,butinallcaseswerecommendthesethreesimplesteps:

1.Writedownthenameofthepersonyouplantohavetheconversationwith,togetherwithwhybuildingadeeperandmoretrustingrelationshipwiththemwillbenefityoubothandthebusiness.

“Ineed tohave thisconversationwithMary.She isanewsalesexecutive inmyteam.IfIcanbuildatrustingrelationshipquickly,andbetterunderstandher strengths and preferred ways of working, I will be able to bettermatchsalesaccountstoher,andgiveherthecoachingsheneedstobesuccessful.Ifshecangettoknowmyvaluesandwhatmatterstome,thatwillgiveherthebestchanceofbeingsuccessfulquickly.Andbeingsuccessfulwillbenefitherfinancially,andwillhelpdeliver theresultsweneed in the teamandfor thebusiness.”

2.Usethewordsabovetoframeaninvitation–beingconsciousofhowelementsoftheFIVECmodelcanaccidentallycauseanawayreaction–andinvitearesponse.

“HiMary–Iwouldfinditreallyusefulifwecouldmakesometimetogettoknoweachotherbetterandshareourvaluesandpreferredwaysofworking.Thatwillhelpmeworkoutthebestaccountstomatchtoyourstrengths,andhow best to support you in being successful in your first fewmonths in theteam.Howdoesthatsoundtoyou?Shallweagreeadateandanagenda?”

3.Prepareyourselftobeatyourbestintheconversation,usingthefollowingsteps:

a.Head:AmIreallyclearaboutwhyholdingthisconversationwillbenefitme,mycolleagueandthebusiness?

b.Hand:HaveIthoughtthrough,andplanned,theagendaandquestionsthatwillbemosthelpfulinmakingthisconversationgo

well?

c.Heart:HaveIexaminedmyintentionsandmotivationsinholdingthisconversation,andensuredthatthereisnoelementof“self-orientation”inmyheart?HaveIremindedmyselfthatthisconversationisnotaboutmebutisdrivenbyagenuinecuriositytounderstandmycolleaguebetter,anddevelopamoretrustingrelationship?AmIpreparedtobeopenandrevealsomethingaboutmyself?

C.Planningtheagendafortheconversation

Plantheagendafor theconversation,especially thequestionsyouwillaskandinvite.Werecommendusingthefollowingquestiontoopentheconversation:

“What would you most like to ask me that will help you to understand mebetter?”

Allow time for your response and for the conversation to develop. Volunteeradditionalinformationtheymaynothaveaskedabout.

Nowturnitaroundandinvitethemtotellyouaboutthemselves.

Questionsbothofyoucouldconsidertocontinueandopenuptheconversationinclude:

•Questionswhichrevealwhattheyvalue,forexample:“What’sreallyimportanttoyouatwork?”“Whatdoyoufeelmoststronglyabout?”“Whatareyoumostpassionateabout?”

•Questionswhichindicatehowtheyviewthemselves,forexample:“Whatdoyouconsideryourgreateststrength?”“Whatareyoumostproudof?”“Whatdoyouthinkisyourgreatestlimitation?”“Whatdoyouwanttobeknownfor?”“Whatisitthatyoureallystandfor?”

•Questionswhichshowwhat’simportanttothemintheirrelationshipswithothers,forexample:“What’simportanttoyouinbuildingarelationshipwithsomeone?”“Whatmattersmosttoyouwhentrustingothers?”“Whendoyoutendtofeelmostbadlyletdownbyacolleague?”

“Whatsortsofthingsdestroyarelationshipforyou?”“Towhatextentdoyoutendtoopenuptoothersatwork?”“Howeasilydoyoutrustothers?”“WhatonethingcouldItellyouthatwouldhelpyoutotrustme?”

•Questionswhichhighlightwhattheyneedfromwork,forexample:“Tellmeaboutagooddayatwork?”“Whatgivesyoumostsatisfactionatwork?”“Whatenergisesyou?”“Tellmewhatabaddayatworklookslike?”“Whatcausesyoumostanxietyatwork?”“Whatcausesyoutolosesleepatnight?”“Whichemotionsdoyouexperiencemostoften?”

Asyoubothopenupmoreandrevealmoretoeachotherinresponsetospecificquestions,youmaybeabletouseveryopenquestionssuchas:

“What one question could I ask you that would enable me to reallyunderstandyou?”

Whenyouknowtheotherpersonwell,alsoconsiderasking:

“What one thing can you tellme thatmight be helpful forme to knowaboutyouthatIdon’talreadyknow?”

“Doyouhaveanyunrealisedambitions?”

“Whatdoyoumostvalueaboutworkinghere?”

“Whatonethingwouldyouchangeaboutworkinghereandwhy?”

“Whatwouldyouliketobemostrememberedfor?”

D.Closingandfollowingup

Closetheconversationby:

•Summarisinghowyouaresimilarto,anddifferentfrom,eachother;weknowwefeelmoresafeandsecurewhenwefindcommongroundwithanotherperson

•Askingyourcolleaguehowtheyfoundtheconversation,andwhatbenefitstheyfeeltheyhavegained

•Reciprocatingwiththebenefitsyoufeelyouhavegained,intermsofunderstandingthem,andbuildingacloserrelationshipwiththem

•Expressingyoursincerethankstoyourcolleaguefortheiropennessandwillingnesstosharetheirperspectives,values,preferences,etc.

Aftertheconversation,makeapointoffollowingupwithaface-to-facechatorphonecall torepeatyour thanksfor theiropenness,andreiteratingthebenefitsyoubelieveyouhavebothachievedfromtheconversation.Rememberthatthisconversationisn’taone-off–havesimilarconversationsatappropriatetimesinthefuture!

InsummaryThis conversation helps to lay the foundations for success in all the otherconversationsand interactionsyouwillhavewithyourcolleague in theweeksandmonths ahead. It’s about getting to knoweachother beyond thebasics offamilies,vacations,sportsandhobbies.It’sdrivenbyyourgenuinecuriositytoknowandunderstandyour colleague at a deeper,morepersonal level.Asyouwillhaverealised,thismaynotbeaone-offconversation–youcanreturntoitanumberoftimesasyourrelationshipdevelops,buildingafullerpictureofyourcolleagueovertime.Themoreyoupractisethisconversationthemorenaturalitwill become. You will find it immensely rewarding not only to build deeperrelationshipswith your colleagues, but also to be appreciated as a leaderwhotakesagenuine,personalinterestintheirteammembersandcolleaguesatwork.

Aclientdescribesthisexperienceatwork:

I joined a company several years ago as globalHRVP.The company is aglobaltechnologybusinessemployingnearly50,000peopleworldwide,withhalf of its staff now based in growth markets. It has a superb brand andreputation for innovativesolutionsand foremploying themostcreativeandtalentedpeople.

However its financial performance over the past five years has been veryaverage,withdivisionsinEuropeandtheUSmakinglosses,onlysurvivingbecauseofstrongperformancesfromitsoperationsingrowthmarkets.Overtime it has evolved a very heavy and multi-layered system of corporategovernance, with quite confused accountability for delivering businessperformance.

InpreviousrolesIhavebeenusedtohavingaclearrelationshipwithbusinessleaderswheretherewasrealclarityonwhatIwasaccountablefordeliveringforthebusinessandhowitlinkedtoanoverallvisionandstrategy.Herewehadvagueandill-definedvalues,butnorealsenseofdriveandpurpose.

OverthelastfewyearsItriednumeroustimestogetaclearsenseofdirectionfrom the business and to connect what we were delivering from an HRperspectivewithwhatthebusinesswastryingtoachieve.ButinrealityIwasneverabletohavethisconversationinameaningfulwaybecausetherewassuchalackofleadershipandaccountabilitywithintheExCom.

IntheenditbecamesofrustratingthatIdecidedIneededtogetoutandfindanewroleinabusinessthathadarealsenseofpurposeandwhereIcouldbepartofateamthathadasharedsenseofaccountabilityfordrivingforwardtoachieve somethingmeaningful andworthwhile. I’m pleased to say I joinedmynewcompany threemonths ago and it’s so refreshing to be back in anenvironmentinwhichthereisclarityonwhatwearetryingtoachieve,whyitmatters and how we are working together as team to deliver a stretchingbusinessplan.

WhatthisconversationisaboutThisconversationhastwokeyelements:firstly,beingclearwithyourcolleaguesnotjustaboutwhatyouareseekingtoachieveatworkbutalsowhyitmatters,andsecondly,beingclearabouttheexpectationsyoucanholdofcolleaguesinsupportingyou inachieving theseoutcomes.Equally it’s anexplorationof thesameelementsintheirwork:whataretheyseekingtoachieveandwhydoesitmatter, and what expectations can they have of you in supporting them toachievetheoutcomestheyareworkingtowards?

Thisconversationis thereforefundamentallyaboutagreeingamotivating, two-waycontractofmutualsupportbetween twopeopleatworkwhoaremutuallydependentforsuccessinachievingtheirgoals–andespeciallybetweenaleaderandeachoftheirteammembers.

It’s worth contrasting this conversation with the typical PerformanceManagement discussion about objectives. In the best systems a set of clearobjectives for each employee will be agreed at the start of the year, and theemployee will have some input and discretion in shaping these objectives indiscussionwith their linemanager.Theremayevenbeobjectives forpersonaldevelopment included in the process. More typically, objectives are handeddown to employees with little discussion or involvement and the processbecomes a ritualised form-filling exercise. And inmany organisations leadersfreely admit that even this process does not happen consistently so that teammemberssimplyendupperformingthesamesetofactivitiesastheyearbefore.Andtheprocessofobjective-settingtypicallyvariesbyfunction.Insalesteamswhere it is relatively easy to set targets these are usually in place,whereas insupport functions or engineering teams or R&D operations, where it’s moredifficulttosetobjectives,theprocessisoftenabsentcompletely.

ButwhatislackingeveninthebestPerformanceManagementprocessesarethetwokeyelements in thisconversation:discussionof“purpose”– thewhyyouare seeking to achieve these specific outcomes, and the expectations that youcanhaveofotherstosupportyouinachievingtheseoutcomes.

Explicit discussionof purpose is rare in today’sworldofwork.But asSimonSinekpowerfullypointsoutinStartwithWhy21,inorderforpeopletobetrulyinspired at work they need to be able to engage with a greater purpose thansimplythepursuitofprofit.Thisconversationisaboutfindingawayasaleaderto articulate how what you are seeking to achieve contributes towardsachievement of this higher purpose. It’s about standing back from your day-todayactivities,askingyourselfhonestlywhatisreallydrivingyoutogetoutofbedinthemorning,andbeingabletoconveythistootherpeopleinanauthentic,openmanner.

Let’sbe clearhere thatwe arenot askingyou to fabricate someover-arching,idealistic,altruisticpurposeatworkthatsoundsinspiringbuthasnoactualbasisinreality.Youknowenoughaboutourin-builtabilityashumanliedetectorstoappreciate that that’s never going to work. Few of us are really engaged inchangingtheworldorsavingtheplanet(althoughifyouare,thenfindawaytoarticulate it)!Frommany thousandsofconversationswith real leadersatworkwedoknowthatwhen theyhave time toreflect,manyaredrivenbystrongly-held convictions to deliver exceptional service to customers, create trulyinnovative technical solutions, create secure employment opportunities forpeople in their teams, develop the next generation of engineers or scientists,develop life-changing drugs, provide great services to local communities andcustomers, and a hundred other genuine passions and causes. So part of theprocesstoprepareforthisconversationistothinkdeeplyaboutwhatdrivesyoutodowhatyoudoatworkbeyondthenecessitytoearnalivingandbringinthatmonthlypaycheque.

Thesecondcomponentofthisconversationisabout‘theexpectationsIcanhaveofyoutosupportmeinachievingmyoutcomes’,and‘theexpectationsyoucanhave of me in supporting you to achieve yours’. Here we are using the term“expectations” in its widest sense. There could be expectations of technical,financial or resource support. There could be expectations to influence othersand provide moral support in meetings or negotiations. And there could beexpectations toprovide coaching, feedbackanddevelopmental supportboth toprepare for critical opportunities or interactions, and also tode-brief and learnfromthemafterwards.

Open,two-waydiscussionofpurposeandexpectations,aswellaswhatyouareboth trying to achieve, builds mutual accountability for success and greatly

contributestowardstheultimategoalofforgingatrustingrelationshipinwhichteammembers feelproud tobelong to theorganisation,choose togo theextramileandbelievetheycanbuildafulfillingcareerintheorganisation.

So thisconversation isnota substitute for thegoodPerformanceManagementpractice of setting and agreeing objectives; rather it is a conversation that canenhanceandmakethisprocesssomuchricher,deeperandmoremeaningful.

Thisconversationalsohasanobviousapplicationbeyondaleaderandmembersof their team.Whatever your leadership role there will be key individuals inotherfunctions,aswellasexternalcustomers,suppliersandotherstakeholderswho are vital in helping your deliver your business plan.Why wouldn’t youdeliberately plan to sit down with them too and hold this conversation andestablishasimilarcontractofmutualsupport?

WhythisconversationmattersThisconversationmattersbecauseintoday’sworldofworkweareallmutuallydependent.Therearevery fewroles, let alone leadership roles,whereyoucanachievetheoutcomesyouneedtodeliverwithoutawholerangeofpeopleinsideandoutsideyour teamalsoachievingwhat theyneed toachieve. Ifyou leadasales team, every member of your team needs to perform, as do those whomanufacture or create what you sell, those who supply you and those whoprocessinvoicesanddeliverlogistics.Ifyouleadafinanceteamyouaretotallydependentoneveryteammemberdeliveringtheirpartoftheprocess,aswellasthe full spectrum of internal and external customers and suppliers doing thesame.

TraditionalPerformanceManagementprocessesrecognise this interdependencein thesense thatobjectives foreach individual ineachdepartmentor function,when aggregated into a single whole, should in theory add up to a set ofactivities thatwill deliver thebusinessplan.Butweknow in real life it rarelyworksassmoothlyasthis,andgiventhecomplexityandrateofchangewefacetodaythisishardlysurprising.ThisconversationmakesitmuchmorelikelythattheobjectiveswhichdoemergefromthePerformanceManagementprocesswillbeeffectiveindeliveringthebusinessplan,forthefollowingreasons:

•Moretrustinghumanrelationshipswillstarttobeformedbetweentheindividualsandteamswhoaremutuallydependent,enablingproductiveconversationstotakeplacetomanagetheinevitablebottlenecksandpinchpointscausedbychangeandgrowth.

•AsStephenM.R.CoveynotesinTheSpeedofTrust22,itistrustthatimprovesefficiencyandreducescost.Andaspeopledevelopasenseofsharedpurposetheyaremorelikelytoadaptandflextheirprocessestohelpachieveagreatergoal,ratherthanrigidlyholdingtoout-datedprocessesthatgetinthewayofservicetocustomersandqualityproductsandsolutions.

•Andfinally,explicitdiscussionandagreementonmutualsupportcreatestheconditionsinwhichpeoplefeelempoweredtoofferandreceivetheresources,time,coachingandfeedbackthatcontributestogettingthejobdonefasterandtothequalitylevelsrequired.

WhythisconversationoftendoesnothappenatworkWhydoweso rarely share (oreven thinkabout) thatdeeper senseofpurposethatisdrivingustodowhatwedoasleadersatwork?Fromthemanythousandsof conversationswe have hadwith leaders atworkwe believe there are threemajorreasons.It’shelpfultotakeeachoneinturnandreflectonwhatwecandoto address it and therefore remove this barrier to undertaking this vitalcomponentofyourroleasaleader.

The first reason is the simplest: the relentless pace of activity thatwe face atwork fillsour time to capacity anddeniesus any space for reflection,or evenplanning and simple forward thinking. But getting into shape to hold theseconversationseffectivelyisavitalpartofyourroleasaleader,andwehopeyouareconvincedofthisbynow.

Secondly,wedon’thaveaprocessfordoingit:becauseit’softennotrecognisedasakeypartofourroleasleader,weareunsurehowtogoaboutit.Inthenextsectionwewillgiveyouasimpleprocesstogetyoustarted.

Thirdly,andperhapsmostsignificantly,wemayfeelscepticalaboutthevalueofdoingitatall.Becauseit’snotaboutnumbers,costs,revenues,metricsorKPIs(Key Performance Indicators), it feels soft and unbusiness-like. We may feelawkward about articulating something thatwe haven’t tried to express before,andworry thatourcolleagueswillpokefunatus for takingonanewformof“managementspeak”.Wewilladdressthistoointhenextsection,andhelpyoutodevelopamindsetinwhichyoursenseofpurposetakescentrestageandyoucanbeauthenticandhonestinthewayyouexpressthistocolleaguesinone-to-oneandgroupsettings.

Another question is,whydowenot discuss the expectationswehave of eachother at work to provide mutual support? The same explanations cited aboveprobablyalsoapplyhere,butwebelievethereisanotherfundamentalreasonatplaytoo.Toaskforsupport impliesvulnerability,andthat’ssomethingweareabsolutely conditioned to avoid at work. A key part of your role as a leaderthroughrolemodellingtheseconversationsistodemonstratethataskingforandofferingsupporttoteammembersandcolleaguesisactuallyademonstrationofmaturityandself-confidence,ratherthananadmissionofweakness.

It’s so common for people not to have this conversation, particularly seniorleaders,who often think that their direct reports should knowwhat to do justbecause they are senior themselves. As one of our colleagues saw, actuallyhavingaconversationaboutexpectationscanhaveahugeimpact:

Pierre was a VP at a healthcare provider who was having problems withMaria,oneofhisdirectreports,assheneverproducedwhatPierreneededherto and never appeared to take any initiative. Pierre found this particularlyirritating,asMariawasaseniormanagerandsoshouldbeproactive.Mariawasfrustratedasshefeltthat,whatevershedid,itwasn’twhatPierrewanted.Pierre’scoachchallengedhim,“HaveyouspecificallytoldMariathatyou’reexpectinghernotjusttoproduceaccuratereportsbutyoualsoexpecthertobeproactive,takeinitiativeanddrivethingsforward?”Pierre’sresponsewas,“Well, she’s a Director, she’s paid enough, she should know what she’smeanttobedoingatthatlevel.”

The coach persuadedPierre that itwasworth having the conversationwithMariaandbeingtransparentabouthisexpectations,andtousewordslike“I

wasexpectingyou tobecomfortableatyour level to take the initiativeandfind newways of presenting ourmanagement information, and I’m feelingdisappointed you haven’t done that. I realise that I haven’t been clear, andwhatI’dlikeis...”ItwasveryoutofcharacterforPierretohavethissortofconversation,andMariawastakenaback.HoweversherespondedpositivelyandtoldPierrethatshehadn’trealisedthatPierrewantedhertobeproactive– she’d thought that Pierre just liked telling her what to do. After thisconversation Maria was very clear about what Pierre expected and herperformance improved. On the occasions when she didn’t meet Pierre’sexpectations,thenPierrecouldreferbacktotheconversationandtheycouldhaveaconstructivediscussionaboutwhatneededtohappennext.

WhythisconversationworksThis conversation works because it touches on three elements of the FIVECmodeltocreateapositive,towardsresponse.

IntermsofInfluence,theconversationisclearlyanopportunityforanadult-to-adult interaction between you and a colleague in which there is a respectful,open,honestdiscussionofwhatyouarebothseekingtoachieve,whyitmatterstoyouandhowyoucansupporteachother.

Secondly, the conversation contributesdirectly to empowerment, as your teammember will leave the conversation with a mandate to work towards theoutcomesyouhavediscussed,togetherwiththemoralandlogisticalsupporttheyneedtobesuccessful.

Finally, as a result of the conversation therewill be increased clarity onwhatneeds to be achieved and, importantly, why it matters. This creates a greatersenseof groundednesswhichweknow is vital for people to give their best atwork.

Sabinewas the ComplianceDirector for amajor pharmaceutical company.She’drecently joinedthecompanyandwasextremelyknowledgeableabout

compliance,butwasupsettinghercolleagues.Inparticular,thecompanyhadrecently had a reorganisation, where responsibilities for complianceworldwide had been divided between Sabine and Alex – both Directors.Sabinewasanoutspoken,fieryDutchladyandAlexareservedSwissman;thetwoofthemfoundeachotherimpossible.Moreover,Sabine’sdirectstyle–where inconferencecalls shewouldsay things like“that’s ridiculous”or“you can’t do that” –wasn’t going down verywell with colleagues in theUSA.Sabine’sbossreallyrespectedherexpertise,butcouldn’taffordforherto keep upsetting people. The company had a well-established coachingprogrammeforseniorleaders,soSabinewassent“tobecoached”!

Thecoachingstartedwitha360degreefeedbackquestionnaire.WhenSabinesaw the feedback from her peers and team her initial reaction was to say“Well, I’ll leave”!Havingcalmeddownshewasencouraged to thinkabouthowtomakethemostof thecoachinganditwasclear thatherrelationshipwithAlexwasakeyplacetostart,asitwascriticalthattheyshouldmakethesplit of responsibilitieswork better. The coach encouraged Sabine to thinkaboutwhatAlex’sstrengthswereandhowbest tohaveaconversationwithhimabouttheirresponsibilities.Alexwasextremelyorganisedand,althoughreserved,wasverycomfortablechairingmeetingsandagreeingprocesses.Hewas introverted and so needed time to reflect, whereas Sabine acted verymuchinthemoment.Soinordertogetthingsgoing,SabineinvitedAlextoameeting, and highlighted the purpose (to agree how best to split theirresponsibilitiesbetweenthem)andgavehimanagendainadvance,sothathehadtheopportunitytopreparebeforemeetingher.

ThecoachhelpedSabinethinkthroughwhatthemeetingneededtocover:

How can wemake our working relationship better?What would work foryou?Whatareourexpectationsofeachother?Howcanwedividetheworkto reflect our strengths and preferences? Let’s acknowledge that thingshaven’tworkedaswell in thepastas theycouldhave– ifwewerestartingwithacleansheetofpapertoplanhowtoworktogether,whatwouldwedo?Howcanweclearupanymisunderstandingswemayhavebetweenus?

Themeetingwentwell;Alexappreciated thestructureand theycame toanagreementabouthow toworkbetween themselves.He recorded theactionsand is helping them keep on track. The agreement to split work in a way

whichplayedtoeachoftheirstrengthsgavethemeachthingsthattheymostenjoyeddoing.

Andthelongertermimpact?AswellasfindingawayforSabineandAlextowork together, the experience has encouraged her to appreciate that peoplehave different expectations of each other and she listens more to others’views,whichhashelpedinherinteractionswithcolleaguesintheUSA.

ThepracticalitiesofholdingthisconversationA.Clarifyingandarticulatingyoursenseofpurpose–whyyouaredoing

whatyouaredoingatwork

We recommend you work through this simple three-stage model in order toclarifyyoursenseofpurpose:

1.Thinkaboutandwritedowntheelementsofyourjobwhereyoufeelmostfulfilled,whereitdoesn’tfeellike“work”,whereyouwouldbedoingthisanywayevenifyouweren’tpaid,thatyoucaremostaboutandtalkaboutmostpassionately,whereyougotheextramileandputintheextrahoursandeffort,whereyouareatyourmostcreativeandengaged,whenyoufeelatthetopofyourgame

2.Thinkaboutandnotedownwhatyouwouldlikeyourlegacytobeatwork,howyouwouldwanttoberememberedbyteammembersandcolleaguesifyouleftyourteamororganisationtomorrow;thismightbeforwhatyouhaveachieved,orhowyouachievedit,orwhatyoustoodforatworkintermsofyourvaluesorimpactonothers

3.Finally,standbackandlookatthebigpictureofwhatyouaretryingtoachieveatworkthisyearandidentifywhichofyourpassionsabovearedrivingyoutowardsthesegoals;findatrustedcolleagueandpractisearticulatingthelinkagebetweenyourgoalsandyourdriversuntilitfeelsauthentic,honestandcomfortable

B.Identifyingwhotohavetheconversationwith,andwhyandwhenitwillbehelpful

Thinkabout thepeoplewithwhomyouhavetheclosestmutualdependence intermsofachievingyourgoalsoverthemonthsoryearahead.Astheleaderofateamit’slikelythatallofyourdirectreportsfallintothiscategory.Thinkaboutwhen it will bemost beneficial to schedule the conversation.We recommendthatthisconversationisbestheldatthestartofthePerformanceManagementorbusiness planning cycle, as a scenesetting exercise prior to the formulation ofdetailedbusinessplans,budgetsandobjectives.Equally,astheleaderofanewteam,orasthemanagerofanewteammember,theconversationcanbehelpfuland useful at any stage of the PerformanceManagement or business planningcycle.

Think about other colleagues at workwhere there is a high degree ofmutualdependence and go through a similar exercise to planwhen itwould bemostusefultoholdthisconversationwiththem.

C.Settinguptheconversationandissuinganinvitationtoit

Everysituationisunique,andeachofushasourownpreferredwaysofworkingandcommunicating,butinallcaseswerecommendthesethreesimplesteps:

1.Identifythepersonyouplantohavetheconversationwith

2.Sendaninvitationtotheconversation,beingconsciousofhowelementsoftheFIVECmodelcanaccidentallycauseanawayreaction,andinvitearesponse

“HiPeter–I’dlikeustogettogetherforadiscussionaboutwhatweareboth trying toachieveover thenext6months / year,andhowwecansupporteachothertomaximiseourchancesofbeingsuccessful.I’llaskmyPAtogetaconvenienttimeinourschedulesoverthenextcoupleofweeks.Lookingforwardtocatchingup.”

3.Prepareyourselftobeatyourbestintheconversation,usingthefollowingsteps:

a.Head:AmIreallyclearaboutmypurposeandhowwearemutually

dependent?

b.Hand:HaveIthoughtthrough,andplanned,theagendaandquestionsthatwillbemosthelpfulinmakingthisconversationgowell?

c.Heart:HaveIfoundawaytoexpressmypurposewhichistrulyauthenticandcomfortableforme?

D.Planningtheagendafortheconversation

The following statements and questions will be helpful; youmay also find itusefultopassthemtoyourcolleagueinadvanceoftheconversationsothattheycanalsobeprepared:

“LetmegiveyouanoverviewofwhatI’mtryingtoachieveoverthenextperiod,andespeciallywhythismattersforme...”

“Canyoutalkmethroughthesamethingfromyourpointofview?Whatareyoutryingtoachieveandwhyisitimportanttoyou?”

“So can we explore how we can support each other in achieving ourgoals?”

“HowcanIsupportyouintermsofresources,influencing,coaching,etc.?Whatwouldbemosthelpfulforyou?”

“Howdoyouthinkyoucanbestsupportme?”

“Howmightwegetineachother’sway?Isthereanythingweshouldbeawareoforavoiddoing?”

“Socanwesummarise theexpectationswehaveofeachother,andhowwecanholdeachothertoaccountfordeliveringontheseexpectations?”

E.Closingandfollowingup

Closetheconversationby:

•Askingyourcolleaguehowtheyfoundtheconversation,andwhatbenefitstheyfeeltheyhavegained

•Reciprocatingwiththebenefitsyoufeelyouhavegained,intermsofaclearunderstandingofwhatyouarebothtryingtoachieve,whyitmatterstobothofyouandtheexpectationsyouhaveofeachotherinprovidingmutualsupport

•Expressingyoursincerethankstoyourcolleaguefortheiropennessandwillingnesstosharetheirgoals,purposeandexpectations

Aftertheconversation,makeapointoffollowingupwithaface-to-facechatorphonecalltorepeatyourthanksfortheiropenness,andsummarisingyourgoals,purpose and mutual expectations of support. If there are specific actions youhaveagreedto,inordertohelpeachother,remembertodoso!

InsummaryThis isavitalconversation tohavewitheveryoneatworkwithwhomyouaremutually dependent for success in your job. It starts with you challengingyourselftoarticulateyour“why”orsenseofpurpose.What’sgettingyououtofbed in the morning and driving you to deliver the outcomes that are reallyimportant to you – and what expectations do you hold of your colleague insupportingyou in this?Equally, howcanyouunderstandwhat’s driving themandtheexpectationstheyhaveofyouinhelpingthemtoachievewhattheyneedtodeliveratwork?Theconversationisdrivenbyyourintentiontocreateclarity,a sense of empowerment and mutually assured success in your roles. It’s animportantopportunityforyoutoaddrealvalueasaleader.

SomeyearsagowewereworkingwiththeHeadofamajorITservicescompanywho made a sudden discovery about the unexpected consequences of hisbehaviour:

Davidwasanextremelyintelligentandcapableindividual,inhisforties,whohadbeenwiththeorganisationforsometimeandrisenthroughtherankstothepositionofCEO.

Hewasknownforhis focusandgripon thebusinessanddeterminationforthe organisation to be successful, which was demonstrated through apacesetting leadership style. He deliberately chose to select and surroundhimselfwithbright,drivenandself-motivatedindividualsandwasathismostcomfortable in group situations debating key ideas and strategies. Thisbehaviourextendedtotheuseofhumour,oftencutting,directedatothers.

TheironyisthatDavid’sheartandinstinctwastocareforandsupportothersbut theway he had chosen to achieve thiswas through a highperformanceroute. Those who did not fit into the mould would often be anxious anduncertain around him and so reinforce the perceptions he had of them in aself-fulfillingprophecy.

Allthischangedwhenoneofhiskeydirectreportsdecidedtoleave.Marcushadbeenarisingstar,groomedforsuccessionandapparentlyverysimilarinstyletoDavid.However,inafrankandopenexchangeMarcusrevealedthata key criticism he had of David was his focus on the shortcomings andmistakes of others. “I know you have high standards, but over time theconstantcriticismhaswornmedownandIjustdon’thavetheenergytoputupwithitanymore.WithmyownteamIenjoypraisingpeoplewhentheydothings well and spending time focusing on their strengths... but I’ve neverseenyoupraiseorthankanyone,nomatterhowwellwe’vedone.”

This was a shock and a catalyst for David. He recognised that he was‘burningup’hispeople inanattempt todrivesuccess,andhecommittedtospending more time with key members of his team one-to-one, exploring

areasofstrengthandhowtodevelopthemevenfurther,ratherthanfocusonhighlightingtheirshortcomingsinagroupsituation.

Because of his style, this was something he stuck at and so over time theeffectwas transformational on bothDavid and his team. It enabled him tohandovermoreaccountabilityandownership tohisdirect reports, revealedstrengths in others he had not noticed before and changed the dynamic ofteammeetings.

Hisowncommentwas,“I’mbeginningtorealisethatmywayisn’t thewayandmyjobistohelpothersbethebesttheycanbeeverydayintheirway.”

WhatthisconversationisaboutWhen was the last time you showed genuine appreciation for someone’scontributionatwork?Sadly,ifyouaretypicalofmostleaders,youmayhavetoscratchyourheadandthinkbackquitecarefullyoverthepastweeksormonths.The reality is that taking the time to show genuine appreciation at work is amuchneglectedactivityandmostworkplacesarethepoorerforit.

Thisconversationisaboutfocusingonwhatpeoplearedoingwellatworkandwhere they are being really successful. It’s about exploring this situationwiththem, to understand how they are being successful and how their uniquestrengthsandtalentsarecontributingtotheirsuccess.It’saboutshowinggenuineappreciation for their efforts and contribution. And it’s about exploring thepotential tomakemore of these strengths and talents in other aspects of theirwork,orelsewhereintheorganisation,todeveloptheirperformanceandbenefitthebusiness.And fundamentally it’saboutdrawing learningand insights fromthesituation,andyourteammember’sperformance,inordertofurtherimproveperformanceinthefuture.

And of course it’s also about “catching people doing something right” in themoment,andshowinggenuine,heartfelt,spontaneousappreciation.

Wemake adistinctionbetween aplanned, exploratory discussion to focuson

wherea teammember isbeing really successful,andspontaneousgratitude inthe moment for something you personally see going well, for the followingreason. In today’s world of work with dispersed global teams and virtualworking,youwilloftennotbepersonallypresenttowitnessitatfirsthandwhenyour team member has a success or demonstrates some really positivebehaviours.Sowithouttheplanneddiscussiontoexplorewhatisgoingwellforthem, youmaynever create the opportunity to give them the recognition theydeserve,norbeable tohelp themdraw the learning from itwhichwill sustainhighperformanceinthefuture.

This conversation is also about showing that you care about not just theperformance of your people but also about their emotionalwell-being.Whenpeopletalktoyouaboutwhat’sgoingwellfor them,theirstorieswilloftenbeaboutthechallengestheyhaveovercomeindealingwithdifficultsituationswithother people both within your business and beyond it – customers, suppliers,otherstakeholders.Thisconversationisavitalopportunityforyoutoempathisewith their experiences and feelings – to demonstrate that you appreciate howchallengingitsometimesistostandintheirshoes.

This conversation deliberately borrows from the concept and process ofAppreciative Inquiry (AI), more commonly used as a method for identifyingorganisationalstrengths.TheideabehindAIisthatinthewesternworldwehavedefaulted into a “deficiency”model of analysis in which our starting point isalways to look forwhat’swrongso thatwecan fix it.AIoffersanalternativeapproach inwhich the analysis startswithwhat’sworkingwell and then askshowwe can build on these strengths. The original article on AI published in1987byDavidCooperriderandSureshSrivastva23arguedthattheover-useofaproblem-solving approach in trying to improve the performance of groups,organisationsandcommunitiesreducestheabilityofleaderstoseeopportunitiesforimprovementthroughinnovationandgrowth.Theyarguethatthequestionsweasktendtofocusourattentioninaparticulardirection.Whenthequestionsasked are “What’s wrong?” and “What needs to be fixed?” the obviousassumptionisthatsomethingiswrongandthatsomethingneedstobefixed.AIisunderpinnedbyanalternativebeliefthateveryorganisation,andeverypersoninthatorganisation,haspositiveaspectsthatcanbebuiltupon.SoAIstartswithquestionssuchas“What’sworkingwell?”and“What’sgoodaboutwhatyouarecurrentlydoing?”

Some researchers believe that excessive focus on deficiencies actually causespeopletoperformworse,oratleastfailtoimprove.Bycontrast,AIarguesthatwhenallmembersofanorganisationaremotivatedtounderstandandvaluethemostpositivefeaturesofitscultureorpeople,itcanmakerapidimprovements.

We observe the exact same limitation with the idea of “feedback” or“constructive criticism” which is so prevalent in leadership teaching today.Worse, use of feedback that focuses on deficiencies tends to generatedefensivenessinthosereceivingit,andanxietyinthosegivingit.(Ofcourse,itissometimesnecessarytochallengeacolleague’sunhelpfulbehaviour,andwetacklethisheadoninthenextchapter.)

Anotherdeliberate featureof thisconversation is that it focusesexclusivelyonstrengthsandwhat’sgoingwell.Leaderswhoattendaworkshoptolearnaboutandpractise the5Conversationsareoftenastonishedwhen the facilitators runthisconversationatthefrontoftheroomanditendshavingonlycoveredwhat’sgonewell.Frequentlyseveralpeoplewillcallout,“Hey,where’sthecriticism?Wewere waiting for you to get to the negative feedback! You can’t leave itthere!”“Whatabout thepraisesandwichofPraise–Criticism–Praise?!”Thisleads into a discussion of how their culture seems always to focus on thedeficiencymodel–peoplehaveweaknessesandtheleader’sjobistotellpeopleabout them and fix them. But remember this conversation is about drawinglearningfromsuccess,sooftenthediscussionwillalsoembracesituationsthathavegonelesswellbutfromwhichlearninghasbeendrawnthatdidleadinthe

endtoasuccessfuloutcome.

Finally, this conversation is about attaching emotion and feelings to thestatement of appreciation. Don’t fake it if you don’t really feel it, but mostleaderswhotakethetroubletounderstandhowandwhyateammemberisbeingsuccessfulcome to feel that theyaregenuinelygrateful,notonly for theskillsand talents their team member has deployed but also for the hard work andcommitment they have demonstrated too. There is no harm, and lots to begained,fromexpressingthisemotionasyousay“Thankyou”.

Spontaneousappreciationmatters too.Whenyoudowitnessacolleaguebeingsuccessful, resolving a problem or helping a colleague, seize the moment toshowgenuine appreciation. Say “Well done!” and “Thank you!” and “I reallyappreciatewhatyou’vejustdone!”Spotit.Feelit.Shareit.

WhythisconversationmattersWeknowthatpeopleneedtofeelvaluedatworkinordertogivetheirbest.Andtheyneed to feel theyare contributing to somethingworthwhile andmakingadifference.Thereisnomorepowerfulwaytoachievethisthanyougivingthemyour full attention to really explore their achievements andwhyandhow theyarebeingsuccessful.Anddon’tforgetthereisaphysicaleffectinpeoplewhenthey are shown genuine appreciation and trust; it triggers the brain to releasedopamine–whichmakesthemfeelgood.

Peoplealsobenefit frombuilding theirself-confidenceatwork.Weareallourown harshest critics and often take for granted the things we do well. Thisconversationhelpsyourteammembertounderstandtheirstrengths,anddeepenstheirself-awarenessofnotonlywhattheyareachieving,butalsohowtheyarebeing successful. Remember this conversation is about drawing learning fromsuccess,andoftenfromthejourneyofsetbacksthatledtheretoo.

All of this contributes to people feeling that they are learning, growing andimprovingatworkandintheircareer.InDanielPink’sterms20,theyaremovingtowardsmasteryintheirrole,apowerfulhumanneedthatweseektosatisfyatworkifwehavetheopportunity.

Apart frombenefits to the individual fromholding this conversation, there aremajorbenefitsforyouandforyourorganisation.Foryouasaleaderyoulearnabout the qualities of your people, and build deeper and more trustingrelationships with them. You learn how to deploy them to achieve greaterpersonalsuccessasaleader,andyoubuildloyaltyandengagementwithinyourteamthatwillcontributetosustainedhighperformance.

Justasimportant,butlessobvious,thesediscussionsgiveyouvitalinsightsandadeeperunderstandingof thechallengesfacingyourteamout thereintherealworld.Youcan’tbealongsideeveryoneofyour teameachday towitness thechallengestheyfaceatfirsthand,butyoucanlearnmuchaboutthesechallengesandopportunitiesthroughthisconversation.Youwillgainvaluableinsightsthatwillenableyoutodriveinnovationandcontinuousimprovement.

Finally,thebusinessbenefitsfromunderstandingthehiddenpotentialandwidertalentpoolithaswithin.Ratherthanrelyingonexternalrecruitment,itstartstobe possible to develop an internal talent pipeline as you and your colleaguescometodeeplyunderstandthetruepotentialofyourpeople.

WhythisconversationoftendoesnothappenatworkThere aremany factors that get in the way of this conversation happening atwork. Here are a few that come up most often, and some possible ways toovercomethem.

The first touches on a reactionwementioned earlier, of astonishment that it’slegitimatejusttohaveaconversationaboutwhat’sgoingwellwithoutaddingina number of criticisms and examples of poor performance. Many leaders aregenuinely takenaback thatweadvocate thisconversationatall.Butrecall thatthisconversationexplores the journey towardssuccess,andoften this involveslearning from setbacks or situations your team member will often readilyvolunteer they have handled less well and therefore learnt from. The bigdifference is that your teammember will reflect on these situations and theirlearning themselves.Theyarenot thepassive recipientsofcriticismfromyou,whichwillinevitablycausedefensivenessandanawayfromreaction.(However,

as we mentioned earlier, when an individual has demonstrated unhelpfulbehaviour it is important that this is facedup to, and this is the subjectofournextchapter.)

Another reason often cited as to why this conversation does not happen isexpressedasthebelief“Peoplearepaidfortheworktheydo.WhyshouldsayI‘thankyou’ to them?”Hopefullybynowyouwillhavenoprobleminrefutingthisargument.Itistruethatweallgetpaidfortheworkwedo.Butoursalaryisonlyonecomponentof thepsychologicalcontractwehavewithouremployer.Just as important are the relationships we have at work, the opportunities forlearning and growth, the satisfaction of achieving and winning, the sense ofcontributingtowardsagreaterpurpose.Thisconversationisavitalcontributiontowardsallthesedeeperreasonswhyweremainengagedatworkandcommittobuildourcareerwiththeorganisation.Acompanywhereleadersbelievethatalltheyneedtoprovideisapaychequeeachmonthisunlikelytobeonewithhighengagementandsuperiorbusinessperformance.

Ifleadershavenotbeenusedtoholdingthistypeofconversation,theymayalsofeel awkward about it andworry that theywill come across as insincere. Theworkshop thatwe runonholding theseconversationsprovides leaderswithanopportunity to practise this conversation with a colleague, and without failleadersreportthatitwaseasierandmorenaturalthantheyexpected.Thekeyisto develop a mindset of genuine curiosity about how your team memberachievedsuccess,andtofollowasimpleprocessthatwesetoutbelow.

WhythisconversationworksThisconversationispowerfulbecauseit touchesontwooftheelementsof theFIVECmodel.

Firstly it demonstrates how you as a leader value your teammember and thecontributiontheyaremaking.Listeningwithgenuineinterest,andusingprobingquestionstoexplorehowtheyhavemettheirchallengesatworkandusedtheirskills and talent to be successful, will show how deeply you value theircontributionandgenerateatowardsresponse.

This conversation also contributes towards a sense of empowerment as youendorseand support their ability to act evenmoreautonomously in the future,usingtheirskillsandtalentstohandleevenmorechallengingsituations.

Agroupofourcolleaguesgottogethertobrainstormideasforanewtrainingcourse.Theywere running throughdifferent sections of the course andPatcameupwithafewideas.Jamessaid,“Pat, it’sfantasticworkingwithyou,you’resocreative!”Patwaspuzzled,“Really?”“Yes,you’realwayscomingupwithgreatnewwaysofdoingthings”saidanotheroneinthegroup.

Pat felt great; she’d been recognised by her colleagues and just hadn’texpectedit.Notonlyhadthepraisecomeoutoftheblue,butalsoshe’dneverthoughtofherselfasbeingcreative.

Thisspontaneousappreciationdidn’tjusthaveanimmediateimpactonPat;ithad a longer-lasting effect. Having been told by her peers that she wascreative,Patthoughtofherselfdifferently.Itwasasifshe’dbeentoldthatit’sOK to be creative. She feltmotivated to do similarwork and nowactivelyseeksoutopportunitiestocreatenewtrainingdesigns.

Thepracticalitiesofholdingtheplanned,exploratoryconversationA.Identifyingwhotohavetheconversationwith,andwhenitwillbe

helpful

We recommend that you aim to hold this conversationwith everymember ofyourteam,severaltimesperyear.Ifyouhaveamonthlyorbi-monthlycatch-upsessionwithmembersofyour team,whynotmake it thedefaultstartingpointfortheconversation?Forallthereasonsdiscussedaboveitwillbeamotivatingandinsightfulplacetostartyourmeeting.

B.Settinguptheconversation

Youcanconsciouslyplantoholdtheconversationasdescribedabove,anddoingso in this way is important to ensure that it does happen systematically andconsistently.

It’s also powerful and effective to be more spontaneous in having theconversation.Oneleadersaidtous:

IoftenfindmyselfvisitingsalesofficesinthevariouscountriesItravelto.Ialwaysmaketheefforttowalkaroundandchattothedesk-basedteam.Whatagreatideaitwouldbetoaskthem“What’sgoingreallywellforyouatthemoment?”I’veneverdonethatbeforebutIcanreallyseehowitwillopenupagreatconversationwiththem!

Prepare yourself personally for the conversation by focusing on the followingareas:

•Eachmemberofyourteamcomestoworkwithapositiveintent–todothebesttheycanfortheircolleaguesandtheircustomers.Theyfacechallengeseverydayatworkandtheyovercomethemusingtheirskills,talentsandemotionalresilience

•Thisisyouropportunitytosay“ThankYou!”forthecommitmentandeffortthatpeoplemakeonyourbehalf

•It’sOKtoinvestyouremotionsandfeelingsinthisdiscussion–feelforyourcolleagueandmakeyourappreciationgenuineandfromtheheart

C.Planningtheagendafortheconversation

Thefollowingstructureandquestionsarerecommendedforthisconversation:

1.Understandandappreciate

a.What’sgoingreallywellforyouatthemoment?What’sbeenyourbiggestsuccessinthelastfewweeks?What’sbeenyourbiggestachievementrecently?What’sbeenyourbiggestchallenge?

b.Whatwasthesituation?Whatwerethekeychallengesyoufaced?

c.Whatdidyousayanddothatledtosuccess?

d.Howdidyoufeelasthiswashappening?

e.Whatstrengths,talentsandskillsofyourscontributedmosttothisoutcome?

f.What’sthelearningyoutakefromthisexperience?

g.Howareyoufeelingrightnow?

h.ThankYou!IwantyoutoknowthatIreallyappreciatethecontributionyouaremaking,andtheskillsandcommitmentyouarebringingtoourteam

2.Explore

a.Whatotheropportunitiesarethereforyoutousethesestrengths,talentsandskills?

b.Howelsecanweplaytoyourstrengths?

c.Howdoyouwanttodeveloptheseskillsfurther?

3.Consolidate

a.What’sthekeyinsightyouhavegainedfromthisdiscussion?

b.Whatlearningpointsshouldwebothtakeaway?

c.Whataretheactionpointsthatwebothcommittofollowupon?

D.Closingandfollowingup

Aftertheconversation,makeapointoffollowingupwithaface-to-facechatorphone call to repeat your thanks for their contribution and the skills andstrengths they are deploying. If you’ve agreed specific actions you havecommittedtofollowupon,remembertodoso!

ShowingspontaneousappreciationBydefinitionyoudon’tplanfor theseconversationsas theyareexpressionsofappreciation in the moment. In our experience leaders often hold back fromdoingthisbecausetheywishtoappeartobefairandbalancedwithalloftheirteammembersortohavetimetowritedownandrehearsewhattheywanttosay.Inourviewthisisadistortedlogic.Webelievethattherewardstobegainedbyspontaneously and authentically showing pleasure and appreciation for whatcolleagues dowill, over time, be valued and respected farmore byall of theteam.

When we run the 5 Conversations programme we have a session where weencourageanyoneintheroomtogivesomespontaneousappreciationtoanotherpersonintheroomforsomethingthattheyhavedonethatdayorrecently.Thereare always people who stand up and do so, but unlike some other trainingcourses,noteveryonedoesorhasto.Asaresultsomepeopleofferappreciationandsometimesoneperson receivesmore thanoneacknowledgement.Whetherpeople give it, receive it or neither, the effect on everyone in the room isamazinglypowerfulduetothegenuine,spontaneousandauthenticnatureofthesession.

Sowhatyoucandoisdevelopamindsetinwhich,everyday,youwillidentifysomething positive in the work and behaviour of your team members andcolleagues.Bepreparedtocallitinthemomentandtoshowinwhatyousayanddothatit’ssomethingyoureallyvalueandappreciate.

InsummaryWeallneedtoknowthatourcontributionisvaluedatwork.Feelingappreciatedis fundamental to our sense of well-being and fulfilment. This conversationensures that every member of your team experiences these emotions severaltimes a year. But more than this, it ensures that you deeply understand theunique strengths and talents that everymember brings to your team.Not onlydoesthisenableyoutoensuretheyplaytotheirstrengthsandmakeyourteamstronger,butalsogivesyouavitalinsightintothedepthoftalentyouandyour

organisationhaveaccessto.Andholdingtheseconversationswillalsogiveyoua deep sense of fulfilment fromhaving given people the recognition that theydeserve.

Aconsultantdescribesthisexperiencewithoneofherclients:

JowasworkingasaconsultantwiththeCEOofaninsurancecompanyandhis teamof direct reports.The teamwashaving a really tough time.Thereappeared to be a lot of in-fighting and the team just wasn’t performingeffectively. TheCEOwas very concerned and determined to do somethingabout it, andhe felt that the teamreallyneeded tounderstandhow toworktogether.Sohebroughtinaspecialisttrainingcompanytorunaworkshoponteamworking,he scheduled training inconflictmanagementandhebroughtinsomecoaching.Thetrainingcameandwentandstilltheteamwasunabletoperformeffectively.Whatwasgoingwrong?

When Jo had discussions with each of the teammembers about what wasworkingandwhatwasn’tworking,acommonthemeemerged.Itwasn’tthattheydidn’tknowhowtoworktogetherasateamorthattheydidn’twanttowork together, but instead there were a couple of team members whosebehaviour wasn’t being held to account. One in particular was extremelygood at his job andwielded a lot of power, butwantedmore control; as aconsequence his style of operatingwas to bully andmanipulate the others.Andwhatwastheteamleader–theCEO–doingaboutthis?Nothing.Asfaras the restofhis teamcouldsee,hewasallowing this typeofbehaviour tohappen, as if it were perfectly acceptable. This was what was holding theteambackfromworkingtogethereffectively.

Jo fed this back to the CEO. The CEO had thought that his team neededtrainingsothattheycouldworktogether.Actuallywhatwasneededwasforthe CEO to do something different and challenge the unhelpful behaviourthateveryoneelsecouldseewashappening.

Whatthisconversationisabout

Thisconversationisabouthavingthecourage,insightsandresourcestofaceupto another person’s unhelpful behaviour in such a way that you achieve apositive outcome for everyone involved, and emerge from the process withpositive, even reinforced and deeper, trusting relationships. Does this soundchallenging?Mostleaderswouldagreethatitdoes,andinourexperiencethisistheconversationtheyfeeltheymostneedsupportwith.

Itisn’taboutthesmalltasksandbehaviouralthingsthatcomealongdaytodayandwhichshouldbedealtwithinthemoment.Itisaboutsignificantfailuresinperformance or behaviour and where there is a recurrent unhelpful pattern ofbehaviourwhichbecomesaproblem.

This conversation starts with you as a leader recognising and acknowledging(evenjusttoyourself)thatacolleagueisdemonstratingunhelpfulbehaviour:

•Sometimesthebehaviourmaybeunhelpfuljustfortheindividualconcerned–mismanagingtheirworkloadsothattheyhavetoworklateanddamagingtheirwork-lifebalance

•Sometimesthebehaviourmaybeunhelpfuljustforyou–aneedycolleaguewhodemandsexcessiveamountsofyourtimecomplainingaboutminorissuestheyhavewithcolleagues

•Sometimesthebehaviourisself-evidentlyunhelpfulforeveryoneconcerned–beingrudeorabusivetoyouorotherpeople

•Itcouldbewithclients,notlisteningtotheirneeds,interruptinginmeetings,beingunreliableandfailingtomeetdeadlines

•Atothertimestheunhelpfulbehaviourwillbelessblatantbutmaybepersistentandannoyingtoyouandothers–beingconsistentlynegativeaboutideasforchangeorimprovement,holdingontoapointofvieworopinionwhenagrouphasmovedon,supportingdecisionsinameetingbutnottakingownershipforthemlater

It will be a rare team which does not encounter such behaviour at leastperiodically within the group, or in dealing with colleagues or contactsexternally.Andwhenthisunhelpfulbehaviourisencountereditisakeypartof

yourroleasaleadertodealwithit.

So this conversation is firstly about you having the courage to have aconversation with a team member or colleague to face up to their unhelpfulbehaviour. The structure andmindset thatwe describe in this chapter offers awayforyoutoapproachandmanagethisconversationthatshouldreduceyouranxietyandmake itmore likelyyouwill feel able to tackle this typeof issue.And of course, when you tackle unhelpful behaviour and achieve a positiveoutcome it can lead to a deeper relationshipwith your colleague and enhanceyourreputationasafairandcourageousleader.

This conversation is also about respect. It is respectful of your teammemberswhose lives are being impacted negatively by their colleague’s unhelpfulbehaviour.Anditshouldalsobemotivatedbyrespectforyourcolleaguewhoisshowing thisunhelpfulbehaviour in thesense thatyougenuinelywant tohelpthem be successful at work, and in order to become so they need to changeaspectsofthebehaviourtheyaredemonstrating.

Thestructurethatwerecommendforthisconversationisbasedontheprinciplesof “Non Violent” or “Compassionate” Communication first developed byMarshallRosenberg 24asameansofdisseminatingpeace-makingskillsduringthe civil rightsmovement in theUS in the 1960s andwhich has been furtherdeveloped since then. We believe the principles and process of Non ViolentCommunication (NVC) are a powerful and underused approach for dealingpositivelywithunhelpfulbehaviourintheworkplace.NVCoffersaprocessanda mindset for honestly expressing your own feelings and needs, asking for achangeinsomeoneelse’sbehaviour,andthroughoutmaintainingapositiveandrespectfulpersonalrelationship.NVCisbasedonthreeunderlyingprinciples:

•Thefirstprincipleistheimportanceofdevelopingandacknowledgingyourowninnerfeelings.Ratherthanignoringtheimpactofsomeone’sunhelpfulbehaviouronyou,orallowingittoconstantlydisruptyourfocusandconcentrationonmoreimportantissues,itmeansacknowledgingthatitisthereandowningyourreactiontoit,ratherthanblamingtheotherperson.

•Thesecondprincipleisaboutlisteningtoyourcolleaguewiththeintentiontosupportthem.Thismeansappreciatingthatthereareissuesin

yourcolleague’swork,lifeandmakeupthatarecausingthisbehaviourwhicharerealforthem,andarealmostcertainlynotmalicious.Veryfewpeopledemonstrateunhelpfulbehaviourwiththeconsciousintentiontohurtorannoyothers.

•Thethirdprincipleisaboutexpressingyourownfeelingsandneeds,andacknowledgingthefeelingsandneedsofothersinanauthenticmannerthatwillinspireunderstandingandrespect,andisthereforelikelytobereciprocated.

Takentogetherthesethreeprinciplesofferanapproachtochallengingunhelpfulbehaviourwhichisstraightforward,honestandpowerful.Inpracticetheprocess,andtheconversationderivedfromit,hasfourstages:

TheNVCmodel

1.Observations

This stage is about talking about facts and observations in a non-threatening,non-judgemental way. It’s about describing the behaviour that you haveobservedorexperiencedinasmuchdetail,andwithasmuchcontext,asyoucanprovide.Sometimestheseobservationswillbeofbehaviouryouhavewitnessedat first hand yourself; at other times as a leader you will be discussingobservations that other people have described to you.Youmay have notes to

refertosothatyoucanbeclearandaccurateinwhatyouaresaying.

During thisphaseandsubsequentphasesyouwill invitea response fromyourcolleague.Howdotheyseethesituation?Dotheyrecognisethebehaviouryouaredescribing?

Your objective at this point is to try to keep the conversation focused on thefacts.If,asislikely,theconversationmovesontothecausesofthesituationandtheirbehaviour(“Itwasn’tmyfault”,“Hedidthistoprovokeme”,“Youneverlistentome”),youneedtogentlybutfirmlysaythat“we’llcomeontothatinamoment, but first I’d like to talk about the impact of this behaviour I haveobserved”.

Invitearesponsefromyourcolleagueontheirperspectiveonthesituationoronwhathashappened.

2.Feelings

This stage is about honestly expressing the feelings that your colleague’sbehaviour has caused in you or others. The use of the word “feeling” isdeliberate and important.This is not about expressingyour thoughts, analysis,conclusions or solutions. It is about authentically describing how yourcolleague’s words or actions have caused you to feel. This is because thesefeelingsare real,ownedbyyouand thereforevalidand important;acolleaguecouldchallengeanyconclusionsyoucometo,buttheycan’tchallengehowtheyhave made you feel, whether it’s disappointed, confused, irritated, upset,discouraged,uncertain,vulnerable,etc.

Itisimportantatthisstagetoinvitearesponsefromyourcolleagueabouthowtheywere feeling at the time, aswell as how they are feeling now. It is alsoimportantat thisstage todiscuss thereasons foryourcolleague’s feelingsandbehaviour.

3.Needs

Atthisstageyoumovethediscussionontotheneedsthatyouhaveasaleaderandcolleaguesotheycanunderstandwhereandhowthedissonancehasarisen.So to take the examples of unhelpful behaviourmentioned earlier, your needs

maybe:

•Tosupportandprotectyourstaffsothattheylookaftertheirhealthmore,andachieveabetterwork-lifebalancebyleavingworkontimesotheyspendmoretimewiththeirfamily

•Forrespectsothattheystopcomplainingtoyouabouttheminorpersonalissuestheyhavewiththeircolleagues

•Forharmonyintheteamandforthemtobuildpositive,respectfulrelationshipswiththeircolleagues

•forreassurancethattheywilltakethetimeandefforttounderstandtheneedsoftheirclients

•forsupportfromthembymakingapositivecontributioninmeetingsandrespectingthedecisionsmadebythegroup

Invite your colleague to comment on your position, and also to express anyneedsthatareimportanttothem.

4.Requests

Finally in theprocessyoumakeaclear requestofyourcolleagueand invitearesponse.Tofollowthroughwiththeexamplesabove,requestscouldbestatedasfollows:

“Somyrequestofyouisthatyou...”

•Takethetimetoplanyourworkloadatthestartofeachweek,andflagtomeifit’sexcessivesothatwecanworktogethertospreaditoutmoreevenly,orfindextraresourcesifnecessary

•Haveopenandhonestconversationswithyourcolleagueswhenyoufeelthereisanissuebetweenyou,andonlyinvolvemeifyouhavedonethisanditremainsunresolved

•MaketheefforttositdownwithJaneandapologiseforhavingoffendedher,andagreehowyouwillworktogethermorecloselyandrespectfully

infuture

•Holdbackongivingyouropinionstoclientsearlyoninmeetings,anduseopen-endedandprobingquestionstouncovertheirrealneedsandconcerns

•Recognisethatotherpeoplecanperceiveyoutobeforcefulanddominantinmeetings,andconsciouslyencourageotherpeopletosharetheirideasandviews

Finally,inviteyourcolleaguetosayiftheyhaveanyrequeststomakeofyou.

It’s worth mentioning that we have deliberately avoided using the word“feedback” to describe what this conversation is about. The skill of “givingfeedback”iswidelytaughttoleaders.Beingreadytogivefeedbackandhavingthe skill to do it effectively are typically seen as positive characteristics ofeffectiveleaders.

However, David Rock, co-founder of the NeuroLeadership Institute, hastellingly written that, “In most people, the question ‘can I offer you somefeedback’ generates a similar response to hearing fast footsteps behind you atnight.”25

In other words we have come to associate the phrase “giving feedback”withreceiving criticism, the equivalent as far as the brain is concerned as beingthreatenedorattacked,soprovokingastrongawayfromresponse.

Anotherproblemwith feedbackas it isconventionallydelivered is that,unlikeNVC,leadersaretaughtnottoinvestanyoftheirownfeelingsintotheprocess.Because it is delivered as a transactional, analytical process of observation,analysisandrequirementforbehaviourchange,wedonotbelieveitislikelytoresult in an emotional commitment to sustained change. (Having said that,wewouldratherthismodeloffeedbackisdeployedifthealternativeisnottacklingtheissueatall.)

Whythisconversationmatters

We have all seen the consequences when unhelpful behaviour goesunchallenged.Resentmentgrows,relationshipsdeteriorateandsoonqualityandservice suffer as internal conflict starts toget in thewayof servingcustomersanddeliveringhighperformance.

Whenateammember’sbehaviourisunhelpful,hisorhercolleaguesexpectthat,as the leader, youwill tackle the problemhonestly and openly.Doing so in aproactive and timely manner shows respect for the team and boosts yourreputationasafairandcourageousleader.Ignoringtheissue,ordelayingfacingituntiltheproblemhasbecomereallyserious,risksunderminingthemoraleoftheteamanddamagingteamperformance.

Whyisunhelpfulbehaviournotchallengedmoreoftenatwork?Themain reason that unhelpful behaviour often goes unchallenged is that theprospectoffacinguptoadifficultconversationcausesfearintheleader.Whilstsome leaders say they have no problem with tackling this type of issue, ourexperience is that themajority do not relish the prospect, and for this reasonthese conversations are often put off longer than they should be, or avoidedaltogether.We know from the FIVECmodel that the prospect of holding thisconversation can cause an away from response in us.We fear damaging ourrelationship with our colleague by creating a barrier between us. We fearprovokingahostilereactionthatwillbeunpleasanttodealwith.Weworrythatthey will feel unvalued or unfairly treated and that this will damage ourreputationwithcolleaguesorothermembersofourteam.

Wehave seenabovehow theuseof theNVCmodeloffers a structure for theconversation that overcomes these barriers and is likely to lead to a win-winoutcome.

TaketheexampleofoneofourcolleaguesKaren,whosomeyearsagowasworkingasamid-levelbusinesspartnerinachemicalsbusiness.Oneofherinternalclients,Roberto, theHeadofFinanceandAdministration,appearedto deliberately create anxiety and stress in others.Roberto’s behaviourwas

controlling, unemotional, challenging and superior, not just toKarenbut toeveryone.

Although much more junior in status and age, Karen felt so provokedfollowingoneunpleasantencounterthatattheirnextmeeting,withherheartinhermouth,shesaid:

“IneedtotellyouthatIfinditverydifficultworkingwithyouinthatIdon’tfeelyourespectorencouragemycontributions.”

Theeffectwaspowerful,leadingtoadiscussionabouttheirrespectiverolesandneeds.ItemergedthatwhatRobertovaluedmostinotherswastechnicalexpertiseandwhatKarenmostwantedwastobeacknowledgedandlistenedto.Thisprovidedaplatformformuchmoreopenandequaldiscussionsgoingforward.

WhythisconversationworksThe conversation is likely to be effective because it avoids blaming the otherpersonfortheimpactoftheirbehaviourandthereforedoesnothavetheeffectofdevaluingthemasaperson.Itisalsorespectfuloftheirpositiveintentandseekstounderstandtheunderlyingcausesoftheirwordsandactions.Itcontributestoclaritybyframing theoutcomeasa request foraspecificchangeofbehaviourthatbothpartiescancommittoworktowards.

Finally,doneauthentically,talkinghonestlywithsomeoneaboutsomethingthatmatterstoyoubothcanactuallydeepenarelationshipratherthandamageit.

An executive coach described what happened to one of her coachees,Christine, who led the Finance function for the EMEA region of a leisurecompany.OnedayChristinecamestraighttoacoachingsessionfromateammeeting,veryupsetandangryasoneofherteam,Sara,hadbeenrudetoherinfrontofeveryoneelse.ShereallywantedtotakeitupwithSaraandtellheroff. “The behaviour had been unacceptable and needs to be challenged –right?”

Her coach encouragedher to think throughhow shewas going to respond,ratherthanshootfromthehip.FirstofallsheencouragedChristinetoreflectonwhythesituationhadupsethersomuch,andChristinerevealedthatshefeltthatshe’dbeenshownacompletelackofrespect,andrespectwasoneofthe values that were most critical to her. In addition, the culture she wasworking inwasvery status-consciousandshe felt thather statuswasbeingundermined.Havingidentifiedthatdeepvalue,thecoachquestionedwhetherChristine’s telling-off would be likely to show respect to Sara. Christinerealisedthatifshewantedherteamtotreatherwithrespectthensheneededto rolemodel respect inwhat shedid– evenwhen challengingothers.Hercoach also askedwhatChristinewanted to get out of the conversation; sherealisedthatshewantedSaratorealisewhyshewasangryandthatshedidn’twant it to happen again. At the same time she wanted to have a positiverelationshipwithSaramovingforward, rather than their relationshipgettingworseasaresultoftheconversation.

Christine had the conversation with Sara. She told her how she felt aboutSara’s behaviour and then asked a critical question:whatwasgoingon forher?ShethenlistenedtoSara’semotionscomingback;earlierinthemeetingSarahad asked about themobile phonepolicy andChristinehaddismissedthequery...whichhadledtoSara’soutburst.ChristinethenaskedSarawhyshe was concerned about the mobile phone policy and listened to Sara’sconcernaboutneedingmoretrainingandtherebeingnobudget.Bytheendofthemeetingbothunderstoodwheretheotherwascomingfromandasaresulttheirrelationshipimproved.

Christine had wanted to challenge Sara’s behaviour. By understanding thereasonsbehindherownemotionsatthesituationandthinkingthroughwhatshe wanted to achieve through that challenge, Christine went into theconversationwithamorepositivemindsetwhichthengothertheresultsbothsheandSaraneeded.

ThepracticalitiesofholdingthisconversationA.Identifyingwhotohavetheconversationwith,andwhenitwillbe

helpful

Assoonasyouobserveorhear about an exampleofunhelpfulbehaviouryoushouldtakeitupwiththeindividualonthesameday.Iftheunhelpfulbehaviourisnotseriousandyoudon’thavetheopportunitytohavetheconversationface-to-faceonthesameday,butwillhavetheopportunityinthenext twoor threedays,youmaychoosetodelayitforashortperiod.However,ifthedelayisanylongerthanthiswerecommendyouhavetheconversationquickly,byphoneorSkype.

Theonlyotherreasontodelayisiftheunhelpfulbehaviourisbeingreportedtoyoubya thirdparty; inwhichcaseyoumayneed to talk tootherpeoplewhohavebeeninvolvedinanincidentorrelationshiptoheartheirversionofevents.

B.Settinguptheconversationandissuinganinvitation

Theexactformofwordsyouusetosetuptheconversationneedstobetailoredto the situation. In the case of a team member who is working long hoursbecauseofpoorworkplanningyoumaysimplybringthematterupinaregularcatch-upmeeting.Where theunhelpfulbehaviour ismoreserious, forexamplewithan individualwhohasbeenabusive toyouor a colleague,youdefinitelyneed to flag the reason forasking for themeeting in the invitation. Ideally theinvitationwillbemadeface-to-face,orifnotleftviavoicemail,textoremail.

“David, Iwould like us to get together to talk about how thatmeetingwentyesterday.Canwemeetat2.00pmtodayinConferenceRoom4?”

Prepare yourself personally for the conversation by focusing on the agendabelowandworkingout the statementsyouwilluseand thequestionsyouwillask.

C.Planningtheagendafortheconversation

1.Observations

“David, I’d like todiscuss thewayyou referred tome in theMarketingmeetingyesterday.”

“Do you remember saying to me that I wouldn’t have anything to

contributetothediscussionbecause,asanon-lawyer,theissueswouldbetoocomplicatedformetounderstand?”

“Whatwasyourrecollection?”

2.Feelings

“I must say that I felt hurt by this, especially because you said it in apublicforum.”

“Howwereyoufeelingatthetime?”

“Howareyoufeelingnow?”

“Whatcausedyoutosaythat?”

“What’sbehindthis?”

3.Needs

“Ihaveaneedtobetreatedwithrespectandtofeelthatmycontributionisvaluedbyyou.”

“Whatneedsdoyouhave?”

4.Requests

“Myrequestofyou is that in futureyoudon’tmakenegativecommentsaboutmeinpublic.”

“Willyoubeabletodothis?”

“Arethereanyrequestsyouwouldliketomakeofme?”

We’renotusedtoexpressingourfeelingandneedsatworkandsooftenfinditdifficulttofindtherightwords.TheCenterforNonviolentCommunicationhasproduceduseful inventoriesofwordsthatexpressawiderangeoffeelingsandneeds,whicharereproducedintheconversationtoolkitatthebackofthisbook– look this up to identify which words best describe what you’re trying toconvey.

D.Closing

Withthisconversationinparticularwebelievethatashortdiscussionattheendto‘re-boot’therelationshipisuseful.Thistakestheformofstandingbackfromtheconversationitself,checkinginwitheachotherandreconnecting.

“Iwanttothankyouforhowyouengagedwithmeonthis.”

“I appreciate theway you have approached this and hope you found it usefultoo.”

“I’mpleasedwehavethekindofrelationshipwherewecantalkabouthowwefeelandwhatweneed.”

Thisconversationislesslikelytoneedstructuredfollow-upunlessthepatternofbehaviourcontinues;inwhichcaseitneedstoberevisited.Ontheotherhandapositive shift in behaviour is a perfect opportunity for a spontaneous show ofgenuineappreciation!

InsummaryThis conversation starts from your deep sense of respect for the individualconcerned,theircolleaguesandforyourself.However,youareingoodcompanyif theprospectofholding this conversationcausesyou to feeluneasy.But thestructurewecoveraboveoffersyouaroutethroughtheprocessthatminimisesthesefeelingsandoffersthebestchanceofapositiveoutcome.Youcanplantobe clear about the observations youwill share and the legitimate feelings youattachtothem.Youcanplantoaskforaresponsefromyourcolleague.Youcanplantodescribetheneedsthatyouhaveandtherequestthatyouaremakingasaresult, andagainyoucanplan toask fora response fromyourcolleague.Youwillgain respect fromyourcolleague for tackling the issue, andenhanceyourreputation as a leader prepared to face up to challenging situations. And thechancesarethatyouwillachievethechangeinbehaviouryouarelookingfor.

Aclient,HRVP foragiant industrial conglomeratebased in theMiddleEast,tellsanapocryphalstory:

EightyearsagoweneededtoappointanewGroupCFObasedhereinDubai.WewentouttoourMDsandHRteamsacrossthebusinesstoseeksuitableinternal candidates but after waiting for several weeks, and prompting anumberoftimes,itwasobviousthatnointernalcandidateswereforthcoming.

We decided to use an executive search firm and appointed a well-known,global firmof head hunters towork on the project.As usual the feeswerehuge–aroundUS$250,000.Theytookthebrief,wroteupthejobdescriptionand created with us a person specification that exactly matched ourrequirements,andthensettowork.Astheweekspassedwereceivedregularprogressreportsastheyinterviewedandshortlistedlikelycandidates.

Finally,eightweeksintothesearchprocess,theleadconsultantscheduledtomeetme. Iwassurprisedwhenheenteredmyoffice topresenthisshortlistanddeclaredthattheyhadabitofaproblemandwereconcernedabouthowIwasgoing toreact. Iwaspuzzledbutsaid,“Goaheadand tellmewhat theissueis”.Thisiswhathesaid.

“We’vecompletedoursearchforyournewCFO,lookingatcandidatesacrosstheworldwith the industry experience that you are seeking andwehave ashortlist of three people, and one candidate who is our strongestrecommendation. There’s only one problem. She’s already employed byyou.”

Theyexplainedwhathadhappened.Becauseourgroup is sodiverse, someconsultantson thesearch teaminEuropedidnot realise that thecompaniestheyweresearchinginwerepartofourgroup.Oneofthemfoundthisstrongcandidate,butofcoursedidnotrevealtoherwhothesearchwasonbehalfofuntilafterthesecondinterview,bywhichtimetheywerealreadycertainshewasaverystrongcandidate.Ofcoursewhenshedidhearwhothesearchwasforshewasshockedtoothatithadtakenanexternalsearchfirmtoidentify

her for an internal role! The outcome is thatwe did indeed appoint her asCFO,apostwhichshestillfulfilsveryeffectivelytoday–anditcostusalotofmoney!

Butthedeeperlessonisobvious,andwhatawake-upcallitwasforus,andhowembarrassing.Eversincethenwehaveinvestedheavilyinproper,deepcareerdiscussionswithallofourkeypeopletomakesurethisneverhappensagain and that we have a sure grasp of the talent we have inside theorganisation,andpeople’scareergoals.

WhatthisconversationisaboutDoyouknowthefuturedreamsandcareeraspirationsofyourkeypeopleaswellastheheadhunterdoes?Ifyouareamanagerofmanagers,onethingyoucanbesureof is thatmanyofyourkeypeoplewillbeperiodicallycontactedbyheadhunters and recruitment agencies, and from time to time theywillmeet them.You’ve probably done it yourself, and so you know what happens in thesemeetings.

Yourkeypeoplewillhavepouredtheirheartsouttotheheadhunter–whattheyloveabouttheirjobs,andwhattheydislike;whattheywanttodonextintheircareer in terms of future roles and new challenges; where theywant to be inthreetofiveyears’timeandthedevelopmentopportunitiesandexperiencestheyneed to get there.Wouldn’t it be invaluable for you and your organisation tohaveaccesstothisinformation?

Thisconversationisaboutgainingaccesstoexactlytheseinsightsbyhavinganopen,adult-to-adultconversationwithyourteammember.Weacknowledgethatitmay be idealistic to believe that your teammemberwill tell you absolutelyeverythingtheywouldsayinconfidencetoanindependentpersonoutsidetheirorganisation; but our conviction and experience is that having built a trustingrelationship, andusing the structure recommendedbelow,youcanget95%ofthe way there. And 95% is good enough to ensure that very few people willleave your organisation without you having exhausted every possibleopportunitytoenablethemtobuildandfulfiltheircareerambitionswithinyour

organisation.

Thisconversationisaboutwhereyourteammemberwantstobeinthreetofiveyears from now against ten key dimensions. We have found that these tendimensions cover all the major areas in which most people think about theircareers, but we don’t claim they are definitive; if different, additional areasmattertoyourcolleaguethentalkaboutthesetoo.

Animportantpointtomakeupfrontisthatthisisnotprimarilyaconversationaboutpromotion.Itmaybeanambitionofyourteammembertobepromoted,orattainaparticularlevelofseniority,statusandrewardwiththeorganisation,andif this is the case they should tell youandyou should listen andacknowledgetheirobjective. It is important information foryouandyourorganisation tobeawareof.Butthemajorityoftheconversationisaboutthenatureoftheroleandresponsibilitiestheyareseeking,andhowyoucantakestepsrightnow,intheircurrentrole,or throughachangeofjobroleinthecomingmonthsoryears, toenablethemtomovetowardsthisgoalandgetthecareerexperiencestheyneedtoachieveit.

As the CEO of a Fortune 500 company said to his team during a 5Conversationsworkshop,

“Wearegrowingandchangingsofastthatwhetherthejobtitlesofourkeypeoplechangeornot,thecontentoftheirjobswillbecompletelydifferentinfiveyears’timefromwhattheyarenow.Wemusthavethisconversationwitheveryoneofthemnowsothattheyknowtheyhavetheopportunitytobuildtheircareerswithus.”

Here are the ten dimensions we recommend using as a structure for thisconversation.

1.Purpose/Meaning

Thisdimensionconcernsthedegreetowhichanindividualisdrivenbytheneedtohaveaclearlineofsightbetweentheirroleandcontributionandameaningfulend goal that is greater than themselves. Peoplewho are driven by a sense of

purpose seek organisations and roles in which they feel they can make adifferencetothepeople,widersocietyandworldaroundthem.

2.Autonomy/Freedom

Wantingautonomyandfreedomisaboutseekingaroleinwhichyouhaveahighdegreeof freedom to act, controlofyourown jobcontent andworkinghours,andtheabilitytoshapethefutureofyourteam,functionandbusiness.

3.Mastery/Learning

Peoplewhoseekmasteryandlearningaredrivenbytheneedtobedevelopingandcontinuouslyimprovingintheirroleatwork.

4.Innovation/Exploration

This dimension is about having opportunities for creativity, discovery,innovationandexplorationwithintherole.

5.Collaboration/Inclusivity

Peopleforwhomthisdimensionisimportantseekopportunitiestoworkorleadinteamswhereworkingcloselywithotherpeopleisakeyelementoftherole.

6.Achievement/Recognition

This dimension concerns an individual’s needs to be able towin, succeed andachieve and to do so in an environment in which this success is visible,recognisedandrewarded.

7.Work-LifeBalance/Wellbeing

Thisisaboutanindividual’sneedstobalancetheirtimeandeffortatworkwithafulfillingandmeaningfullifeoutsideworkwithfamilyandfriends,alongwithaconcernfortheirownphysical,mentalandemotionalstate.

8.Advancement/Promotion

Thisdimensionconcernsanindividual’sdesiretoclimbupthecorporateladder,

beingrecognisedandrewardedappropriatelyaseachhigherlevelofseniorityisachieved.

9.FinancialReward/Security

Thisconcernsthedegreetowhichanindividualisdrivenbytheneedtoachievefinancialsecurityandthebenefitsthatcomewithit.

10.Status/Power

Thisdimension isaboutan individual’sdrive tobe recognised for thepositionthey have attained, and the satisfaction they achieve from being able to exertinfluenceandpoweroverateam,functionororganisation.

WhythisconversationmattersWe have polled hundreds of organisations during webinars about 5Conversationsaskingwhichofthe5Conversationsismostneededwithintheirorganisation.‘Buildingforthefuture’istheconversationthatusuallycomesouton top. When asked why this is, leaders often report from their personalexperiencethatthisistheconversationtheywouldmostliketohavepersonallytobesure theyreallyunderstandthediverserangeofcareeropportunities theycould have access to, and that their organisation understands them andwheretheywanttogetto.

Weallknowthatthedaysofajobforlifearelonggone.Weallexpecttobuildour careers within a number of organisations or across employed and self-employed roles during our working lives. Talking about this openlywith keymembersofyourteamenablesyoutomaximisethechancesofyourorganisationhavingaccesstotheskillsandtalentsofyourbestpeopleforaslongaspossible.Andifthroughtheconversationyoudiscoverthatitwon’tbepossibletosatisfythecareeraspirationsofakeyemployeewithinyourorganisation,at leastyounowknowthisandcanmaximisetheireffectivenessintheirremainingtimewithyouandplantoreplacethemorre-organisetheteam.

Talent Management can be usefully defined as “getting the most effectivepeople into the most important jobs”. This vital activity is not just the

responsibilityofyourHRfunction,butakeypartofyourroleasaleader.Thisconversation plays a critical role in enabling you to do this, matching yourrequirementswiththecareeraspirationsofyourkeypeople.

WhythisconversationoftendoesnothappenatworkWehaveaskedmany leaders for theirviewsaboutwhy thisconversationdoesnothappeneffectivelyatwork.Onereasonis that theconversationusuallysitswithin a Performance Management or Appraisal process. This places it in acontextwheretherearemanyotherdistractingissuesbeingdiscussed,soitfailstogettheattentionitdeserves.Oncethisispointedout,leadersoftenresolvetohave the conversation with members of their team outside the PerformanceManagementprocess,asastand-aloneanddiscretediscussion.

Another factor that gets in the way of this conversation is the process ofsuccession planning that many organisations undertake. Typically individualsareratedonanine-boxgrid(orsimilar)againstdimensionsofperformanceandpotential,toidentifythosereadyforpromotionnow,andthosewhomaybecomesowithdevelopmentwithinagivenperiod.Theproblemis that thisprocess isundertaken exclusively for the company’s benefit, and inmost cases takes noaccountof thecareeraspirationsof thepeople themselves.And inmanycasesthese assessments are evenkept secret from the individuals for fear that thosewith low ratings for performance and potential will believe they have beenwrittenoff.Thedangerwiththeprocessisthatorganisationsarelulledintothebelief that they have “dealt with” career development and forget that theindividualsthemselveshaveastakeinittoo.

Finally, the most profound reason that usually emerges is that leaders arefrightened of what they might learn. They fear they will uncover careeraspirationsorplansthattheywon’tbeabletosatisfy.Theyworrythatthismayleavetheminaworsepositionthaniftheyhadnotopenedthediscussion,withateammemberwhoisnowmoreclearthaneverbeforethattheyneedtoleavetheorganisationinorder tofulfil theircareergoals.However,onceleadersdiscussthisfeartheysoonconcludethatitisbaseless.Theyagreethatitismuchmorelikely that, having held the discussion, they will gain insights into their team

member’scareergoalsthatwillenabletheirorganisationtohavethebestchanceofkeepingtheindividual,ratherthanitcausingthemtoleave.

WhythisconversationworksThis conversation is powerful because it enables an individual to have moreinfluenceovertheirowndestiny,somethingwhichallofusdesireandvalue.Itis also likely to lead to greater empowerment and autonomy as careeropportunitiesunfoldthatmeetanindividual’srealneeds.

OneofourcoacheswasbroughtintoworkwithJeff,aManagingDirectorinamajorglobalaccounting firm.Jeff leda teamof five,whichhe tookoverwhen the prior, much-loved,MD had unexpectedly passed away. Jeff wasappointed temporarily to fill in while the company was looking for areplacement,andwastaskedtomovetheteamforward.Inaddition,itwasatimeofchangeforthefirm,wherere-structuringwaslikely,andsoJeffverymuchhadaholdingposition.

Jeffwasconsciousthathehadtokeeptheteamfunctionalduringthetimeofchange,buthealsowantedtoleaveagoodlegacyattheendofhistemporaryappointment.ThecoachaskedJeffwhathadworkedforhiminthepastandheardhowtheoldbosshadmentoredhim,andhadencouragedhimtothinkaboutwhathewantedforthefutureandwhatheneededtodotogetthere–withoutwhich,on reflection,Jeffdidn’t thinkhewouldhavebeenasked tostepintohisrole.

The teamwasexperiencingadifficultanduncertain time,bothgrieving fortheir old boss and being unsure of the future. Jeff recognised that, despitethesedifficulties, itwasalsoa timeofopportunityforhis teammembers todecidewhat theywanted tohappen. Inparticular therewasabright, ‘risingstar’ within the team, Elisabeth. Her colleagues had nicknamed her‘Superwoman’;inherearly30s,shetriedtotakeonanythingandeverythingand was at risk of losing focus. Encouraged by the mentoring Jeffremembered from his old boss, he decided that it was his responsibility tohave discussions with Elisabeth. Over a series of conversations, Jeffdiscussed with her what her strengths were, what her passions were and

where shewanted to be in the future.This enabled her tomove out of themindsetof‘Superwoman’andinsteadtofocusontheactivitieswhichwouldbeofmostimpactforherfuture.ThroughJeff’sconversationswithElisabethandtherestofhisteam,hehelpedthemseethattherewasafuturewiththefirm,eveniftheyweregoingtohavedifferentjobs.

Twelvemonthsonandthefirmwasre-organised.AllofJeff’steamtookonroles in theneworganisation (whichwasamajorbenefit to the firm,giventhe high cost of replacing staff). Elisabeth rose to take on greaterresponsibilities. She saw the benefit of her discussions with Jeff, and hadsimilarconversationswithherownteam,‘passingforward’ thebenefit.Jeffwentontoretire,havingleftthelegacythathe’dwantedto.

As our coach reflected on what had happened for Jeff, she came to twoconclusions:

Don’tputoffhavingconversationsaboutthefuturejustbecausethereisalotgoing on. It would have been easy for Jeff and his team just to haveconcentrated on the here and now, particularly given the difficult situation.However, having conversations aboutwhat the rising starwanted from thefuturemeant that she came out of that difficult periodwith a clear idea ofwhatshewantedandhowshemightgetthere.

Thiswasnot justasingleconversation– itcanhaveagreatcascadeeffect;Jefftooktherolemodelhehadseeninhisoldbossandusedwhathelearnttohave similar discussions with his own team, who then in turn hadconversationswiththeirowndirectreports.Thiscascadeprocessmeantthattheycouldalltakeanactiveroleinbuildingtheirownfuture.

ThepracticalitiesofholdingthisconversationA.Identifyingwhotohavetheconversationwith,andwhenitwillbe

helpful

We recommend that this conversation should be held annually with each

member of your team, but outside of the formal Performance Managementprocess.

B.Settinguptheconversationandissuinganinvitation

Mostpeoplewelcometheopportunitytohavethisconversationwiththeirleader,so issuing the invitation and setting it up will be straightforward anduncontroversial.

In terms of preparationwe recommend a simple tool called the Future FocusWheelbasedonthetendimensionslistedabove.Thetoolenablesausertoscorewhere they are now on each dimension, and then where they want to get towithinanagreed timeframe.Thisenables thediscussion to focusonwhere thegaps are largest, andwhat thismeans in practical terms for a future role andpersonaldevelopment.

TheFutureFocusWheel

The wheel, together with instructions on how to complete it, is in theconversationtoolkitatthebackofthisbook.

C.Planningtheagendafortheconversation

Werecommendthattheagendaforthediscussionfocusesonthosedimensionswherethegapbetweenwhereyourteammemberisnow,andwheretheywishtogetto,isthelargest,plusanyotherdimensionsthatareparticularlyimportanttothem.

Thekeyquestionsoneachofthedimensionsare:

“What’sdrivingyoutohavetheseambitions?”

“What opportunities can we create right now for you to move towardsthesegoalshereinthisorganisation?”

“Whatcanwebothdotogethertomakethishappen?”

D.Closing

Aftertheconversation,makeapointoffollowingupwithaface-to-facechatorphonecall toconfirm thekey insights andactionpoints.Youmayalso find ithelpfultoformaliseactionsyou’veagreedbyemail.

One further thought. We know of leaders who have shared their own futurefocusworkwheelwith teammembers as away of building trust and respect.Evenifyoudon’tgothatfar, thereisa lot tobegainedbysharingoneor twoexamples of things that are important to you in your future career or bydescribingchoicesandtrade-offsyoumadeonyourcareerpathtodate.

InsummaryManyleadershavetoldusthisistheleastheldandmostneededconversationintheir organisation.We all think constantly about our futures.Wehave dreamsandambitions,hopesandfears,forwhat theyearsaheadwillhold.Sometimeswe share themwith friends andpartners, but rarelydowehave the undivided

attentionofourbosstofocusonthesethings.Butthebenefitstoyouofhavingtheopportunity todo thisare immense.Today’sorganisationsarechangingsorapidly that therewilloftenbeanewandexcitingcareerpathyoucan take, ifonly yourmanager takes the time to understand your dreams and aspirations.And organisations stand to benefit too from retaining their best people andbuilding strength and depth in their people. As a leader there is little morefulfillingthanhelpingpeopletoachievetheirdreams.

This book is designed to enhance your confidence and capability to havedifferentsortsofconversationswithmembersofyourteamtobuildrelationshipswhich lead to deeper engagement. But as you were reading, were you alsothinkingofapplicationsoutsidethemanager/directreportrelationshipforusingthesepowerfulconversationframeworks?

Once you have become familiar with, and internalised, these conversations,you’lldiscoverwhatpowerfultoolstheyaretoimproverelationshipswithallofyourstakeholders–tobuildacultureofopenness,trustandperformance.

ColleaguesWith colleagues your relationship is different, as theremay be no element ofdirection,objectivesettingorKPImeasurement.Youmayworkwiththemwhenyou take the leadonaproject,orwhere they take the lead.Youmayhavenodirectworking relationshipwith them at all.However, if they are a colleaguethenyoudohavearelationshipwiththem,whateverstageitisat.

Howgoodisit?Coulditbebetter?Wouldhavingagreatrelationshipwiththispersonhelpyouortheorganisationinanyway?Ifitwould,thenconsiderhowyoucoulduse5Conversationsinyoureverydayworkwithcolleagues.

Conversation1 –Building a trusting relationship: Informally, couldyoufind the opportunity to work on your relationship with your colleague byopeninguptothemandinvitingthemtoshareinformationwithyou?Couldyouusethistomakeconnectionswiththatperson?Wouldtheriskyoutakeinopeninguptotheminanappropriateway,createmoretrust–andwouldthatbehelpful?

Conversation2–Agreeingmutualexpectations:Ifyoudoworkjointlyonsome projects, developing your levels of mutual trust is essential and canthenleadtosuccessesinallfiveconversations.Ifyoursuccessreliesonthatperson’sinput(orviceversa),buttheydonotworkforyou,howcouldyou

usethemutualexpectationsframework?

Conversation 3 – Showing genuine appreciation: Genuine appreciation,with its elementof specific identifiedpraiseplusanattachedemotion,willworkwithanycolleaguetoimprovetheatmosphere,makethemfeelvaluedandmakeyoufeelgoodtoo.Canyoufindanopportunitytotrythisout?

Conversation 4 – Challenging unhelpful behaviour: Sometimes ourcolleagues create problems for us which, with no line managementresponsibility,aredifficulttoaddress.Itiseasytofeelthat‘someoneshoulddo something about her’, but if that never happens, howwill itmake youfeel?Whynottrytellingthepersonhowaspecificbehaviourimpactedyou,andhowyou’dlikeittobeinthefuture?

Conversation5–Buildingforthefuture:Peopleoftenappreciateatrustedcolleague acting as a soundingboard as they reflect on their future. If thissituationarisesthensuggestusingtheFutureFocusWheelasahelpfultoolinclarifyingthegapstheyareseekingtocloseintheirnextcareermove.

InternalcustomerswithinthebusinessInternal customers have a difficult status where they can be critical to yoursuccess,super-criticalofyourfailingsandyetsomehowtiedtobuyingfromyou.Thiscreatesachallengingdynamic,causingpassionateconflictsasyouallseektoworktowardsthesameends,butwithdifferentagendas.

Conversation 1 – Building a trusting relationship:With people in otherdepartments or divisions your relationship could be much more like asupplier/ customer relationship than thatof a colleagueordirect report.Assuch,discussingwith themwhatdrivesyouandwhatdrives themcanbeapowerfulrelationshipbuilderandtotallyappropriatefor thisrelationship.Isthere someone that you can think of with whom it would be helpful todevelopamoretrustingrelationship?

Conversation 2 – Agreeing mutual expectations: Where you have aninternalcustomerrelationshipthenthemutualexpectationsconversationcanbe helpful in establishing a way of communicating, working together andresolvingproblems.Youknow that in sucha relationshipyouboth relyonthe other person to provide, or engage with a service and to report onsatisfactionwiththatservice.Couldhavingthisconversationhelpyoucreateaneffectivecollaboration?

Conversation3–Showinggenuineappreciation:Whenyouareworkingwith an internal customer, you are both technically working for the sameorganisation, but may have very different objectives, tasks and targets toachieve. Some of your objectives may conflict. If you can take theopportunitytoidentifysomethingaboutthemthatyouappreciate,wouldthathelpbuildyourtrustingrelationship?

Conversation 4 – Challenging unhelpful behaviour: Conversely, if youhave a problem which that person is identified with, would being able todiscuss itwith thembehelpful?What ifyoucouldraise the issue inasafeandnon-judgmentalway,beingveryspecificaboutbehaviouranditsimpactonhowyoufelt?

Conversation 5 – Building for the future: It may not be appropriate toinitiate this conversation with internal customers, but again, theseconversations do happen from time to time and the Future Focus Wheelstructurecouldbehelpful.

YourbossAcolleaguetellsus,“IamtoldIamgoodatupwardsmanagement,whereasallIreallydoisthinkaboutwhatmybossneedsandwhathisproblemsare,andtryto work with them in mind. I’m not afraid of pointing out that they need tochangesomething ifwhat theynormallydodoesnotwork.”Havinga trustingrelationshipwithyourmanagerenablesallsortsofissuestoberaisedanddealtwith,withoutfearofcriticism.

Conversation1–Buildingatrustingrelationship:Ifyourmanagerisnewto you, or deals with you in a purely transactional way, or is simplysomewhatremote,youcouldusethetechniquesinConversation1todevelopthisintosomethingmorerewarding.Ifyoucanfindanopportunity(ormakeone)tostarttheconversationaboutwhatyouunderstandabouteachother,itwillhaveapowerfultransformationalimpactonyourrelationship.

Conversation2–Agreeingmutualexpectations:Intheory,yourmanagerandyoushouldbemutuallydependentfordeliveringthesuccessesthatyourorganisationneeds. If youdon’t find this ishappening inpractice, then trythisconversationtounderstandwhatyoucouldcontractbetweenyou,toholdeachothertoaccount.

Conversation3–Showinggenuineappreciation:Allofusneedpraiseandsometimes there is much attention paid to whether someone is providingpositive messages to their staff, but not to whether they themselves aregettingthem.Thisconversationisawayofaddressingthis.Couldyoufindsomethingthatyourmanagerhassaid,done,sharedorexperiencedthatyoucouldappreciateandtalktothemabout?

Conversation 4 – Challenging unhelpful behaviour: There are someoccasionswhen it is themanagerwho is theproblem. Insteadofgetting tothepointwhereyousay“Right,Iamoutofhere”,whynottrythetechniqueof letting them know how you feel, using this structured approach? Onecolleaguetellsus,“Myoldbosswasalmostuniversallydislikedthroughoutthe company for his displays of frustration and his nit-picking ways.PersonallyIfoundhimfullofgoodideasandfeltthatthebehaviourofseniormembers of the team towards him was almost equivalent to bullying.Howeverhedidseemtobringitonhimself.Wesatdownonedayandtalkedopenlyandhonestlyaboutthis,andhowhisrepeateddisplaysofangermademefeelembarrassedandfrustratedatwhatseemedtobeapointlesspattern.Afterthatthebehaviourdidn’tchangetotally,butitwaseasiertoremindhimthatwhat hewas doing hadn’tworked before and that hemay aswell trysomethingnew.Lifebecamecalmerand therewerefeweropportunitiesfortheotherdirectorstoscorepoints.”

Conversation5–Buildingforthefuture:Discussingyourfuturewithyour

boss may not be as scary as you think. Why not find the opportunity toexplaintoyourbosswhatelementsofyourjobyouwouldlikemoreorlessof–andwhatyouseeasyourownspecificstrengths?Ifyouaren’tsure,usetheFutureFocusWheelyourselfsothatyouknowhowyoufeel.

YourselfWhileyouwere reading thisbook,didyou think thatyoucould improveyourown engagement and performance by using the techniques in theseconversationsonyourself?

Couldyouneed to thinkabout theseconversationswithyourself: theextent towhichyou trust yourself, the extent towhichyouacknowledge the things thatyoudowellandthethingsthatchallengeyou.Youcanalsoconsiderthethingsthatyoudothatarenothelpful,aswellastheextenttowhichyouthinkaboutthefutureandtakestepstowardsit.

Conversation1 –Buildinga trusting relationship:Howopenandhonestareyouwithyourself?Howwelldoyoutrustyourselftodowhatyouknowisright?Doyoufindthatyoulackcouragesometimes–andwishthatyoucouldsaywhatyouthought?Doyoutrustyourjudgement?Howcouldyoubemoreopenaboutwhatyoutrulybelieve?Doyouneedtotaketimeawayfromprojectsandtaskstothinkthisthrough?

Conversation2–Agreeingmutualexpectations:Whatareyoupassionateabout andwhat would be a really stretching butmotivating goal for you?Whocanhelpyouachievewhatyouwanttoachieve?Whydoesitmattertoyou?

Conversation 3 – Showing genuine appreciation: Do you ever take thetime to acknowledgewhat youdo reallywell?Weoften take our personalstrengths for granted.Oneof our colleagues says, “Myhusband is great athighlevelscientificthinkingbutstrugglestoputtogetheraformalletter–hejustdoesn’tknowhowtodoit.Icandoitreallyeasily,butitneveroccurred

tome that thiswasaskill thatsomeoneelse, someone intellectuallyhighlycapable,mightnothaveandwouldvalue.”

Conversation4–Challengingunhelpfulbehaviour:Whatarethetraitsandbehavioursthatyoucatchyourselfdoing,thatyoudislike?Couldyouworkthrough to identify what the behaviour is – not in general terms, butnarroweddowntospecifics–thenworkouthowitmakesyoufeelandothersfeel?Ifyoudidthis,mightitcreateanopportunitytochange?

Conversation5–Buildingforthefuture:Doyouthinkaboutyourfuture?Ifyouhavehadthechancetolookatyourownbehaviour,couldyoulinkittodeficienciesorgapsbetweenwhereyouarenowandwhereyouwouldliketo be?How could you seek opportunities to bringmore ofwhat youwantintoyourcurrentroleoranotherroleinyourorganisation?WhynotusetheFutureFocusWheeltothinkaboutyourownfuturecareer?

Howcanyouuse5Conversationsindifferenttypesoforganisationsandteams?Youmaybe thinking that it’sallverywell tohave5Conversationswhenyouhaveasmallteamwhereyouspendalotoftimetogetherorwhenyouworkinanorganisationwhere everyone is in the same location, but howdoes itworkwhenyouworkinamorecomplexorganisationstructure?

Verylargeteams

If you have an exceptionally large team, it’s unlikely that youwill be able tohave in-depthconversationswithevery teammember. Instead,seek to identifyandobtainthebestpossiblerelationshipwiththemthatyoucan,bydoingthingstoenablethemtoknowandtrustyou.Youdohavetoprioritise,otherwiseit’sjustnotfeasible.Sowhetheryoumeetthemallinaroomof200,orwhetheryouhappentomeetthemonceayearone-to-one,youshouldmakeityourprimaryobjectivethattheyunderstandandtrustyoumoreasaresultofthatinteraction.

Multi-culturalteams

Workingproactivelytobuildtrustingrelationshipsisevenmoreimportantwhereteammemberscomefromavarietyofdifferentnationalcultures.Havingtestedthese conversations with colleagues and clients across the world, we haveencounterednoresistancetotheiruseandwe’reconfidentthattheyworkequallywellirrespectiveofculture.

Indeedduringaglobalclientprojectwehadtheopportunitytosurveynearly300consultants from more than 30 nationalities about their reaction to havingauthenticconversationstodemonstratetrustandcuriosity.Everyonerespondedthat in their own culture, showing genuine curiosity, in a spirit of learning,collaborationandbuildingtrust,wasseenasawhollypositivetraitandwouldbewarmlywelcomed. These conversations are not about thewords you use, butratheraboutyourgenuineintentiontomakeaconnection,tobeinterestedintheother person as a fellow human being, to reach out – which transcends anyculturaldifferences.

Virtualanddispersedteams

It may seem like a real challenge to find opportunities to develop trustingrelationships with teammembers when they are geographically dispersed andyourarelyseethemface-to-face,butourexperiencetellsusthatitispossibletodeveloptrustingrelationshipsatadistance.

Whereitisnotfeasibleoraffordabletomeetface-to-facewerecommendthreekey principles to adopt to develop effective and trusting relationships at adistance:

•Personalisation:Thecornerstoneinmakingremoterelationshipsworkremainsestablishingadirectlinkbetweenyouandeachmemberofyourteam,andwehaveseenconversation1worksuperblywellatadistance,forexamplebytelephoneorSkype,withlittleadaptation.Subsequentconversationswhichexploreandagreehoweachpartylikestocommunicateandbecommunicatedwith,collaboratewithothers,checkandreportonprogress,providesupportandbesupported,areextremelyusefulinagreeingasetofcommitmentsandexpectationsthatcanbemadetoeachother(conversation2).

Oneeffectivetechniquecanbetosetupwitheachteammembera30-minute

discussioneachmonthwithoutasetagenda,justtoacknowledgeandreflectonwhat is going on for each other at themoment and have the time andspacetotalk.Byhavingsuchconversationswitheachmemberofyourteamyoucandevelopapictureofhowbesttoworkwiththem.Italsogivesyoutheopportunity toexpressyourappreciation (conversation3) in reaction totheirdescriptionofwhatisgoingonforthem.

Given that conference calls are an everyday feature of dispersed teams,awareness of individual preferences can be of real value, as can smallgestures such as making use of participants’ names on conference calls,acknowledgingthingsthatarehappeningintheirlocalityandalternatingthechairofthediscussion.

•Simplification:It’simportanttoensurethatcommunicationsareclear,simpleandunambiguous,andkepttoaminimumtoavoidoverload,misunderstandinganddistraction.Thismeansthinkingcarefullyaboutboththedestinationofcommunications(especiallylimitingthenumberofpeoplecopiedintoemails)andalsohowmuchisabsolutelynecessary.

Inourexperience,whenworkingatadistance‘lessismore’.Thismakesiteven more important to ensure there is a regular and consistent flow ofinformation in both directions to ensure a smooth business operation.Planningandregulatingthisreducesstressanduncertaintyandenablesothercommunicationstobesetupforexceptionaloremergingtopics.

Similarly if there is aneed for conversation4, thisneeds tobe clearly andsimply set up in advance, at a convenient time and of course through livedialogue,ideallywithavisualconnection.

Thesameprinciplesaretrueforholdingconversation5.

•Amplification:Thefactofworkingatadistancemeansthatcommunicationsandmeaningsoftenneedtobeamplifiedtogetthroughandtoensuretheyareunderstood.Thismeansthatcommunicationeffortshavetobeincreasedandfrequencyandconsistencyareimportantelements.

It can be even more important to take time to show genuine appreciationwhencontactisinfrequentandtomakesurethemessageisreceivedloudand

clear;andwhynotusetheopportunitiespresentedbytechnologytoaddsomecolourorfuntoyourmessage?

Finally it isgoodtomixupcommunicationsso that theydon’tbecometoopredictable, stale anduninspiring and to use different kinds of ‘spaces’ fordifferent conversations.We know of some leaders who produce a weeklyblog for their team and encourage comments and reactions; another uses ahand-held video camera to capture and send out short communications,encouraginghisteammemberstodothesameinresponse;andanotherwhoinvitestheteamtoavirtual,informal,end-of-the-week‘cocktail’session.

InsummaryRe-discover the power and the joy of holding open, honest, two-wayconversations,not justwithmembersofyourclose team,butalsowithawiderangeofcolleaguesandstakeholders.Whetheryoucanholdtheseconversationsface-to-face or have to rely on remote technology to connect youwith others,authenticconversationswhereyou listenwithcuriosity, careandhumanityarewhat make the real difference in building long-term, productive, trustingrelationships.

Wehopeyouhaveenjoyedreadingaboutthe5Conversationsthatcantransformtrust,engagementandperformanceatwork.Webelievetheyhavethepotentialtochangeyourlifeasaleader,notonlybytransformingtheperformanceofyourteam,butalsobyenhancingyourqualityoflifeandsenseoffulfilmentatworkandbeyond.

Having trusting personal relationships around us is a deep human need. Somepeople seem to know this instinctively and have the knack of building themnaturally with colleagues and others at work. But many people in leadershiproleshave forgotten (ornever learnt) that thismattersdeeply to them too, andthatit’ssomethingtheycanconsciouslyworkon.

We have shared our beliefs about the power of conversation to build trustingrelationships with many thousands of leaders over a thirty-year period incountries around the globe.We have engaged in countless deep and animateddiscussions as leaders have articulated and tested their own assumptions andbeliefs about people, teams and performance at work. The overwhelmingmajority have concluded that the voluntary commitment of the people in theirownteamsandorganisations isafundamentaldriveroforganisationalsuccess.They have recognised that they have a role as leaders in building thiscommitmentandthatthe5Conversationsgivethem,perhapsforthefirsttime,asetofpracticaltoolstheycanusetoachievethis.Whenwehavecontactedthemsixmonthsandayearlater,theresultsformanyofthemhavebeenremarkableandtransformational.

Theyreportthatappreciatingthepowerofhonest,face-to-faceconversationshasbeenaprofound learningexperiencewithapositive impactnot justwithin theworkenvironmentbutalsooutsideworkandintheirhomelives.Theydescribehowtheirtimeefficiencyhasimprovedatworkandhowthespirit,moraleandengagement of their teams have improved. They proudly relate concreteexamplesofchallengingconversationstheyhaveplannedforandheld,andthepositiveoutcomestheyhaveachieved.Andbestofalltheygivehardexamplesof improvements inorganisationalandbusinessperformancethat theyattributedirectly to holding these conversationswith an authentic intention to listen, tounderstandandtosupport.

It is sometimessaid thatholdingconversationsatworkcontributes little to thehard financial realities of business performance. Surely real business leadersfocusoncustomers,sales,innovation,efficiencyandreporting?Well,ofcoursetheydo.Butthebestbusinessleadersknowthatthisisnotenough.Theyknowthatwithoutthewhole-heartedandgenuineengagementoftheirpeople,littleoflastingandsustainablevaluecanbecreated.Asaresulttheynotonlyhavetheengagementof theirpeople firmlyon their radar as akeybusinessmetric,butthey alsowalk the talk and expect every leader in their organisation todo thesame. They know that the web of informal, trusting relationships across theirorganisation is really what gets results, and they work tirelessly to build andreinforceit.

TheCEOofaglobalmanufacturingorganisationtoldusthisstory:

WereceivedanenquiryrecentlyinSpainforthesupplyofamassiveorderofspecialist bearings. We don’t have the technical capacity in Europe tomanufacture this type of bearing. Because of the relationship the countrymanagerhadbuiltwithhiscounterpartintheUShecalledhimpersonallyandasked ifhecould takeon theorder.TheUSguysaid“yes”sowesuppliedthem from the US instead. The country manager in Spain didn’t get anyfinancial recognition in his P&L for this but did it because he’s forged apersonalbondwithhiscolleagueintheUSthroughyourprogramme.

I can tell you that three years ago this would never have happened. Thepersonal relationships leaders are building within their teams, betweenthemselves, and with all of us on the ExCom are transforming theperformanceofthisbusiness.

Weopenedthisbookcallingforaneweraofrelationship-basedleadership.Webelieve profoundly that in today’s world of work we need to re-discover thepowerofauthentichumanconnectionsingettingthingsdone.Noonecanturnback the clock on our new world of 24/7 virtual interactions through email,socialmediaandthewebandwewouldn’twantto.Thisisournewrealityandtheworldisamoreexciting,dynamicandvibrantplaceforit.

Butwedoprofoundlybelievethatourworldofdigitalconnectioncanneverbea

substituteforface-to-facehumancontact.Themoredeeplyweenteraworldofelectronicconnections, themoreessential it is toreachoutatahumanlevel tobuild authentic, emotional connections based on two-way, face-to-faceconversation.

Onourworkshopsleaderstryouttheconversationsface-to-face,withcolleaguesandteammembers,andfeeltheirpoweratfirsthand.Wehopethatreadingthisbook has provided an alternative route into these conversations and that as aresultyoutoowillbeinspiredtotrythemoutandfeeltheirpower.

Wewould love to hear about your experiences in doing this, so please go towww.5conversations.co.ukandtellusaboutyoursuccessandlearningsowecansharethiswithotherswhoareonthesamejourney.

Inthisbookwe’vetakenyouthrougheachofthe5Conversationsandgivenyouexamplesofhowpeoplehaveusedthemaswellasastep-by-stepguideofhowto approach each conversation. We’ve taken the guidance from eachconversation to produce these conversation toolkits: practical planners andchecklistsyoucanusetohelpyouputtheconversationsintoaction.

For each conversation,we’ve included a conversation planner. This takes youthrough the process of planning for the conversation, giving you prompts foreachstageintheprocess.Itencouragesyoutobeclearaboutwhoyouwanttohavetheconversationwithandwhy.Itthenasksyoutoplananagendafortheconversation, and reminds you of what you need to do in closing theconversation and then following it up. For some of the conversations we’veprovided a list of questions that you may find helpful in planning theconversation.

Inthecaseofconversation4(challengingunhelpfulbehaviour)we’veincludedthe inventory of feelings and needs developed by the Center for NonviolentCommunication,togiveyouavocabularyforwhatyoumaywanttosay.

Forconversation5(buildingforthefuture)thereisacopyoftheFutureFocusWheel,andinstructionsonhowtocompleteit.

You can download a copy of these planners from our website,www.5conversations.co.uk,readytousethenexttimeyouarepreparingtohaveoneoftheconversations.

Trythemoutandhavethoseconversations!

Conversation1–EstablishingatrustingrelationshipConversationPlanner

STAGESINTHECONVERSATION MYNOTES

Settingup&issuinginvitation

WhodoIwanttohavetheconversationwith?

Whywillbuildingadeeperrelationshipbenefitusbothandthebusiness?

HowwillIwordtheinvitation?

Preparingmyself:

•AmIclearaboutwhythisconversationwillbeofbenefit?

•HaveIthoughtthroughtheagendaandquestions?

•Whataremyintentionsandmotivations–doIhaveagenuinedesiretodevelopamoretrustingrelationship?

Agendaandquestions

Openingquestion(encouragethemtoaskittoyouaswell)

Whatwouldyoumostliketoaskmethatwillhelpyoutounderstandmebetter?

WhatotherquestionsdoIwanttoask?

Closingandfollowingup

Closing Howdidyoufindthe

Closing Howdidyoufindtheconversation?

IfeelIhavegained…intermsofbuildingabetterrelationshipwithyouThankyou

Followingup:

•Whatisthebestwayoffollowingup(face-to-face?phonecall?)•Thisisn’taone-off–whenwoulditnextbehelpfultofindoutmoreaboutyourcolleague?

PotentialQuestions

Openingquestion Whatwouldyoumostliketoaskmethatwillhelpyoutounderstandmebetter?

Questionswhichrevealwhattheyvalue

What’sreallyimportanttoyouatwork?

Whatdoyoufeelmoststronglyabout?

Whatareyoumostpassionateabout?

Questionswhichindicatehowtheyviewthemselves

Whatdoyouconsideryourgreateststrength?

Whatareyoumostproudof?

Whatdoyouthinkisyourgreatestlimitation?

Whatdoyouwanttobeknownfor?

Whatisitthatyoureallystandfor?

Questionswhichshowwhat’simportanttothemintheirrelationshipswithothers

What’simportanttoyouinbuildingarelationshipwithsomeone?

Whatmattersmosttoyouwhentrustingothers?

Whendoyoutendtofeelmostbadlyletdownbyacolleague?

Whatsortsofthingsdestroyarelationshipforyou?

Towhatextentdoyoutendtoopenuptoothersatwork?

Howeasilydoyoutrustothers?

WhatonethingcouldItellyouthatwouldhelpyoutotrustme?

Questionswhichhighlightwhattheyneedfromwork

Tellmeaboutagooddayatwork?

Whatgivesyoumostsatisfactionatwork?

Whatenergisesyou?

Tellmewhatabaddayatworklookslike?

Whatcausesyoumostanxietyatwork?

Whatcausesyoutolosesleepatnight?

Whichemotionsdoyouexperiencemostoften?

Openquestiononceyou’vebothrevealedmoreinresponsetospecificquestions

WhatonequestioncouldIaskyouthatwouldenablemetoreallyunderstandyou?

Questionswhenyouknowtheotherpersonwell

WhatonethingcanyoutellmethatmightbehelpfulformetoknowaboutyouthatIdon’talreadyknow?

Doyouhaveanyunrealisedambitions?

Whatdoyoumostvalueaboutworkinghere?

Whatonethingwouldyouchangeaboutworkinghereandwhy?

Whatwouldyouliketobemostrememberedfor?

Conversation2–AgreeingmutualexpectationsConversationPlanner

STAGESINTHECONVERSATION MYNOTES

Settingup&issuinginvitation

Whatismysenseofpurpose? Whichpartsofmyjobmakemefeelmostfulfilled?

WhatdoIwantmylegacyatworktobe?HowdoIwanttoberememberedifIleft?

WhichgoalsdoIfeelmostpassionateabout?Whatisdrivingmetowardsthem?

WhodoIwanttohavetheconversationwith?

Whywillitbeusefulforustoagreemutualexpectations?Inwhatspecificarea/sdoweneedtoagreeexpectations?

HowwillIwordtheinvitation?

Preparingmyself:

•AmIclearaboutwhythisconversationwillbeofbenefitandhowwearemutuallydependent?

•HaveIthoughtthroughtheagendaandquestions?

•HowamIgoingtoexpressmy

•HowamIgoingtoexpressmypurposeinwaythatisauthenticforme?

Agendaandquestions

Openingquestion

WhatotherquestionsdoIwanttoask?

Closingandfollowingup

Closing Howdidyoufindtheconversation?

IfeelIhavegained…intermsofgettingaclearunderstandingofwhatwe’rebothtryingtoachieveandourexpectationsofeachotherThankyou

Followingup:

•Whatisthebestwayoffollowingup(face-to-face?phonecall?)•Summariseanyspecificactionsagreed

•Carryouttheactions!

PotentialQuestionsLetmegiveyouanoverviewofwhatI’mtryingtoachieveoverthenextperiod,andespeciallywhythismattersforme…

Canyoutalkmethroughthesamethingfromyourpointofview?Whatareyoutryingtoachieveandwhyisitimportanttoyou?

Socanweexplorehowwecansupporteachotherinachievingourgoals?

HowcanIsupportyouintermsofresources,influencing,coaching,etc.?Whatwouldbemosthelpfulforyou?

Howdoyouthinkyoucanbestsupportme?

Howmightwegetineachother’sway?Isthereanythingweshouldbeawareoforavoiddoing?

Socanwesummarisetheexpectationswehaveofeachother,andhowwecanholdeachothertoaccountfordeliveringontheseexpectations?

Conversation3–ShowinggenuineappreciationConversationPlanner

STAGESINTHECONVERSATION MYNOTES

Settingup&issuinginvitation

WhodoIwanttohavetheconversationwith?

WhathavetheydonethatIwanttorecogniseandshowappreciation?

HowwillIwordtheinvitation?

Preparingmyself:

•AmIclearaboutwhatIwanttoshowappreciationfor?

•WhatwordsdoIwanttousetoexpressmyappreciation?

•HowcanIshowmyfeelingsandmakemyappreciationgenuine?

Agendaandquestions

Questionstounderstandandappreciatewhat’sgoingon

Questionstoexplorehowtobuildonthisgoodwork

Questionstoconsolidatewhatcouldhappennext

Closingandfollowingup

Closing Thankyou

Followingup:

•Whatisthebestwayoffollowingup(face-to-face?phonecall?)•

•Whatisthebestwayoffollowingup(face-to-face?phonecall?)•Repeatthanksforwhattheyhavedone

•Summariseanyspecificactionsagreed

•Carryouttheactions!

PotentialQuestions

Understandandappreciate

What’sgoingreallywellforyouatthemoment?

What’sbeenyourbiggestsuccessinthelastfewweeks?

What’sbeenyourbiggestachievementrecently?

What’sbeenyourbiggestchallenge?

Whatwasthesituation?

Whatwerethekeychallengesyoufaced?

Whatdidyousayanddothatledtosuccess?

Howdidyoufeelasthiswashappening?

Whatstrengths,talentsandskillsofyourscontributedmosttothisoutcome?

What’sthelearningyoutakefromthisexperience?

Howareyoufeelingrightnow?

ThankYou!IwantyoutoknowthatIreallyappreciatethecontributionyouaremaking,andtheskillsandcommitmentyouarebringingtoourteam

Explore Whatotheropportunitiesarethereforyoutousethesestrengths,talentsandskills?

Howelsecanweplaytoyourstrengths?

Howdoyouwanttodeveloptheseskillsfurther?

Consolidate What’sthekeyinsightyouhavegainedfromthisdiscussion?

Whatlearningpointsshouldwebothtakeaway?

Whataretheactionpointsthatwebothcommittofollowupon?

Whataretheactionpointsthatwebothcommittofollowupon?

Conversation4–ChallengingunhelpfulbehaviourConversationPlanner

STAGESINTHECONVERSATION MYNOTES

Settingup&issuinginvitation

WhodoIwanttohavetheconversationwith?

Whenwillitbehelpfultohaveit?

HowwillIwordtheinvitation?

Preparingmyself:

•AmIclearaboutwhatbehaviourIwanttochallenge?

•HaveIthoughtthroughtheagendaandquestions?

•Whataremyintentionsandmotivations–whydoIwanttodothis?

Agendaandquestions

Observations:whathaveIobserved? Myobservations:

Whatisyourperspectiveonthesituation?

Feelings:howdiditmakeme/othersfeel? Myfeelings:

Howwereyoufeelingandwhy?

Howwereyoufeelingandwhy?

Needs:whatdoIneed? Myneeds:

Whatneedsareimportanttoyou?

Requests:whatamIaskingthemtodo? Myrequests:

Doyouhaveanyrequestsofme?

Closingandfollowingup

Closing ’Re-boot’:checkinandreconnectThankyou

Followingup Showgenuineappreciationatapositiveshiftinbehaviour

FeelingsInventoryThe following are words we use when we want to express a combination ofemotional states and physical sensations. This list is neither exhaustive nordefinitive.Itismeantasastartingplacetosupportanyonewhowishestoengageinaprocessofdeepeningself-discoveryand to facilitategreaterunderstandingandconnectionbetweenpeople.Therearetwopartstothislist:feelingswemayhavewhenourneedsarebeingmetandfeelingswemayhavewhenourneedsarenotbeingmet.

FeelingswhenyourneedsaresatisfiedAFFECTIONATEcompassionate

friendlyloving

openheartedsympathetic

tenderwarm

ENGAGEDabsorbedalert

curiousengrossedenchantedentrancedfascinatedinterestedintriguedinvolvedspellboundstimulated

HOPEFUL

expectantencouragedoptimistic

CONFIDENTempowered

openproudsafesecure

EXCITEDamazedanimatedardentarousedastonisheddazzledeager

energeticenthusiastic

giddyinvigorated

livelypassionatesurprisedvibrant

GRATEFULappreciativemovedthankfultouched

INSPIREDamazedawedwonder

JOYFULamuseddelighted

gladhappyjubilantpleasedtickled

EXHILARATEDblissfulecstaticelated

enthralledexuberantradiantrapturousthrilled

PEACEFULcalm

clearheadedcomfortablecenteredcontent

equanimousfulfilledmellowquietrelaxedrelievedsatisfiedserenestill

tranquiltrusting

REFRESHEDenlivenedrejuvenatedrenewedrestedrestoredrevived

FeelingswhenyourneedsarenotsatisfiedAFRAID

apprehensivedread

forebodingfrightenedmistrustfulpanickedpetrifiedscared

suspiciousterrifiedwaryworried

ANNOYEDaggravateddismayeddisgruntleddispleasedexasperatedfrustratedimpatientirritatedirked

ANGRYenragedfuriousincensedindignantiratelivid

outragedresentful

AVERSIONanimosityappalled

contemptdisgusteddislikehate

horrifiedhostilerepulsed

CONFUSEDambivalentbaffled

bewildereddazedhesitantlost

mystifiedperplexedpuzzledtorn

DISCONNECTEDalienatedaloof

apatheticboredcold

detacheddistant

distractedindifferentnumb

removeduninterestedwithdrawn

DISQUIETagitatedalarmed

discombobulateddisconcerteddisturbed

perturbedrattledrestlessshockedstartledsurprisedtroubledturbulentturmoil

uncomfortableuneasyunnervedunsettledupset

EMBARRASSEDashamedchagrinedflusteredguilty

mortifiedself-conscious

FATIGUEbeat

burntoutdepletedexhaustedlethargiclistlesssleepytiredweary

wornout

PAINagony

anguishedbereaveddevastated

grief

heartbrokenhurtlonely

miserableregretfulremorseful

SADdepresseddejecteddespair

despondentdisappointeddiscourageddisheartened

forlorngloomy

heavyheartedhopeless

melancholyunhappywretched

TENSEanxiouscranky

distresseddistraughtedgyfidgetyfrazzledirritablejitterynervous

overwhelmedrestless

stressedout

VULNERABLEfragileguarded

helplessinsecureleery

reservedsensitiveshaky

YEARNINGenviousjealouslongingnostalgicpiningwistful

©2005byCenterforNonviolentCommunicationWebsite:www.cnvc.orgEmail:cnvc@cnvc.orgPhone:+1.505.244.4041

NeedsInventoryThefollowinglistofneedsisneitherexhaustivenordefinitive.Itismeantasastartingplacetosupportanyonewhowishestoengageinaprocessofdeepeningself-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection betweenpeople.

CONNECTIONacceptanceaffection

appreciationbelongingcooperation

communicationclosenesscommunity

companionshipcompassionconsiderationconsistencyempathyinclusionintimacylove

mutualitynurturing

respect/self-respectsafetysecuritystabilitysupport

toknowandbeknowntoseeandbeseen

tounderstandandbeunderstoodtrust

warmth

PHYSICALWELL-BEINGairfood

movement/exerciserest/sleep

sexualexpressionsafetysheltertouchwater

HONESTYauthenticityintegritypresence

PLAYjoy

humor

PEACEbeauty

communionease

equalityharmonyinspirationorder

AUTONOMYchoicefreedom

independencespace

spontaneity

MEANINGawareness

celebrationoflifechallengeclarity

competence

consciousnesscontributioncreativitydiscoveryefficacy

effectivenessgrowthhope

learningmourning

participationpurpose

self-expressionstimulationtomatter

understanding

©2005byCenterforNonviolentCommunicationWebsite:www.cnvc.orgEmail:cnvc@cnvc.orgPhone:+1.505.244.4041

Conversation5–BuildingforthefutureConversationPlanner

STAGESINTHECONVERSATION MYNOTES

Settingup&issuinginvitation

WhodoIwanttohavetheconversationwith?

Whenwillitbehelpfultohaveit?

HowwillIwordtheinvitation?

IsthereanypreparationIwouldlikethemtodo(e.g.completetheFutureFocusWheel)?

Preparingmyself:

•AmIclearaboutwhythisconversationwillbeofbenefit?

•HaveIthoughtthroughtheagendaandquestions?

•Whataremyintentionsandmotivations–doIhaveagenuinedesiretoactontheoutcomesofthediscussion?

Agendaandquestions

Decidingthefocusoftheconversation Whicharethedimensionsonthewheelwherethegapbetweenwhereyouarenowandwhereyouwanttogettoisthelargest?

Arethereanyotherdimensionswhich

Arethereanyotherdimensionswhichareparticularlyimportanttoyou?

Foreachdimensiondiscussed What’sdrivingyoutohavetheseambitions?

Whatopportunitiescanwecreaterightnowforyoutomovetowardsthesegoalshereinthisorganisation?

Whatcanwebothdotogethertomakethishappen?

Closingandfollowingup

Closing Howdidyoufindtheconversation?

SummaryofkeyinsightsandactionpointsThankyou

Followingup:

•Whatisthebestwayoffollowingup(face-to-face?phonecall?)•Summaryofkeyinsightsandactionpoints•Carryouttheactions!

FutureFocusWheelTheFutureFocuswheelmeasures howyou currently see yourself in your jobandwhereyouwould like tobe in the futureagainst tendifferentdimensions:•Purpose/Meaning:theextenttowhichyouneedtohaveaclearlineofsightbetweenyourownroleandagreatergoal•Autonomy/Freedom:theextenttowhichyouneedahighdegreeoffreedomtoactandcontroloveryourownjobcontent and the ability to shape the future of your team function business•MasteryLearning:theextenttowhichyouneedarolewhichrequiresmasteryof knowledge skills and continuous development of these • Innovation /Exploration:theextenttowhichyouneedyourroletoprovideopportunitiesforcreativity,discovery, innovationandexploration• Collaboration/Inclusivity:the extent to which your role allows you to work closely with other people•Achievement/Recognition:theextenttowhichyourroleallowsyoutowin,succeedandachieveandberecognisedandrewardedfordoingso•Work-LifeBalance/Wellbeing:theextenttowhichyouareabletobalanceyourtimeandeffort atworkwith a life outsidework, and the extent towhichyou canmeetyourneedsforyourownphysical,mentalandemotionalstate.

•Advancement/Promotion:theextenttowhichyourroleallowsyoutoadvanceandbepromoted•FinancialReward/Security:theextenttowhichyourroleprovidesyouwiththefinancialrewardandsecurityyouneed•Status/Power:theextenttowhichyourrolegivesyouthestatusyouwishandthelevelofinfluenceandpoweroverothersTocompletethewheel:

1.Takeeachdimensioninturnandmakeamarkonthescalebetween1and10(where1is“verydissatisfied”and10is“totallysatisfied”)toindicatewhereyoufeelyouarenowinyourcareer.Nowjoinupeachofthesemarks.

2.Next,workthrougheachofthesamedimensionsandmakeanothermarkbetween1and10toindicatewhereyouwanttobewithinagiventimeframe(forexample3years).Againjoinupeachofthesemarks.

3.Nowreflectontheshapeofthetwospidergramsyouhavecreatedandaskyourselfwhatittellsyouaboutthecareerdevelopmentstepsandopportunitiesyouneedtoseek.Firstly,whichofthedimensionsaremostimportanttoyou?Thesemaybeprioritiesforaction,evenifthegapbetweenwhereyouarenow,andwhereyouwanttobe,issmall.Nextlookatthedimensionswherethegapsarelargest.Thesetoomaybeareasforaction.

MyFutureFocusWheel

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AbouttheauthorsNickCowley

ThisisNick’sfirstbookandhasbeenanopportunitytodrawonhiswealthofmanagement experience in major corporations. Before joining The OxfordGroup in 1994, his career included roleswithBritishAirways,BayerAGandWhitbread in operational management, HR and OD across Europe and theMiddleEast.Nickgainedparticularcorporateexpertiseinleadinginternationalprojects, participating in merger and acquisition activity and significantorganisational change programmes, as well as designing and implementinglearninganddevelopmentarchitecture.AsaDirectorofTheOxfordGroup,hehasaparticularresponsibilityforacquiringandgrowingclientrelationshipsoverthelongterm.HealsoleadsthedevelopmentofourManagementDevelopmentservicesandworksasanExecutiveCoach.In2013,NickledthedevelopmentofTheOxfordGroup’s5Conversationsprogramme, theconcept fromwhich thisbookwascreated.

Linked in TMuk.linkedin.com/in/nickcowley

NigelPurse

Nigel is an experienced facilitator, writer and speaker whose passion lies indevelopingmanagementandleadershipcapabilityinbothnewandseniorleadersinorganisationsworldwide.HeisChairmanandDirectorofTheOxfordGroup,which he co-founded in 1987 following a career in HR and businessmanagement with the Mars Corporation and Burmah Oil. Under Nigel’sleadership The Oxford Group has grown from its roots as a small companyspecialising in behavioural assessment to a global consultancy providingleadership and management development as well as executive coaching.Believingintheimportanceofemployeesbeingengagedwiththevaluesoftheirorganisation,healso remainspersonally involved in the recruitment, inductionanddevelopmentofnewOxfordGroupconsultantsworldwide. In2013,Nigelwas instrumental in the development and launch of the 5 Conversationsprogramme.

Linked in TMuk.linkedin.com/in/nigelpurse

THEOxfordGroupThe Oxford Group is a global organisation, providing management training,leadership development and executive coaching to the world’s leadingcompanies since1987. Its consultantsworkwithclientsaspartners todevelopbespoke,world-classsolutionsthatarepracticalandimpactful,anddelivertheseon a global scale to all levels of leaders. As a learning and developmentprovider, its strength lies in taking a blended approach to training, combiningextensive expertise in face-to-face delivery with a range of technology-basedmethods, to provide participants with a complete learning journey. Mostimportantly,TheOxfordGroup’sworkisbasedonabeliefthatpeoplecometoworkwantingtodoagoodjob,andthateveryonehashuge,untappedreservesofcreativityandpotential-theroleofitsconsultantsistounlockthatpotentialbyengagingparticipantswithtechniques,exercisesandcontentthatarestimulatingandrelevanttothem.