7 Keys to Increasing Your Self-Esteem Today! _ Psychology Today

4/22/2015 7KeystoIncreasingYourSelfEsteemToday!|PsychologyToday

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communicationsuccess/201501/7keysincreasingyourselfesteemtoday 1/13

Author'sNote:Thefollowingisanexcerptfromthebook(clickontitle):HowtoLetGoofNegativeThoughts&EmotionsAPracticalGuide(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/)."

Whenouremotionalhealth(/basics/health)isinabadstate,soisourlevelofselfesteem(/basics/selfesteem).Wehavetoslowdownanddealwithwhatistroublingus,sothatwecanenjoythesimplejoyofbeinghappyandatpeacewithourselves.

JessScott

Selfesteemcanbedefinedashealthyrespectforyourself,aswellashealthyselfworth.Inourcompetitive,materialdriven,imageconscious,andachievementorientedsociety,thepropensitytobeaffectedbylowselfesteemischronicandpervasive.

Thegoodnewsisthathavinglowselfesteemislargelyalearnedphenomenon.Lowselfesteemissuesareessentiallypoorhabitsinourattitudeandourintrapersonalcommunication(selftalk).Bylearningempoweringperspectivesandeffectiveintrapersonalcommunicationskills,youcanprogressivelyreplacepoorselfesteemwithhealthyselfesteem.Herearesevenkeystochanginglowselfesteem:

1.AvoidGeneralization

Inprivatecoaching(/basics/coaching),Ioftenhearclientssay:Ihavelowselfesteem.Thereareseveralproblemswiththisstatement.First,itpresumesageneral,allornoneperspective,asifeitheronehashigh

7KeystoEnhancingSelfEsteemPostpublishedbyPrestonNiM.S.B.A.onJan01,2015inCommunicationSuccess

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selfesteem,oronehaslowselfesteem.Ifyoutakeanhonestassessmentofyourself,chancesarethatyoucancomeupwithalistofqualitiesthatmakeyoufeelgood.Forinstance,ifyourereadingthisarticle,itmostlikelymeansthatyoupossessselfawareness,thewillingnesstolearnandgrow,andadesiretorealizemoreofyourpotential,allofwhichbodewellforyourfuturesuccess.

Mostofusaresomewhereinthemiddleonthespectrumbetweenhighselfesteemandlowselfesteem.Ifyoueverfindyourselfsayingorthinking:Ihavelowselfesteem,pleasestop.Itisageneral,allencompassing,personalizing,andselfdefeatingcommentthatsimplyisnttrue.Sayingyouhavelowselfesteemcanalsomaketheproblemseemsobiganddauntingthatyoumayfeelrelativelypowerlesstodoanything.Instead

2.DivideandConquerYourLowSelfEsteem

Itsmoreaccurateandempoweringtobespecificaboutparticularaspectsofyourlifewhereyoulackconfidence,beityourweight,yourcompetencetospeakpublically,yourcapacitytoattracttherightromanticpartner,oryourabilitytodealwithadifficultindividual.SayingIhavelowselfesteemisverydifferentthansayingIhaveselfesteemissuesaboutmyweight.Thefirstisgeneralandpersonalitmakeslowselfesteemintoanallencompassingcharacterflaw.Thesecondisaboutanissuethatyouhave.Itdoesnotinvalidateotheraspectsofwhoyouareasaperson.Asanissue,theproblemcanbediagnosedandsolved.

Softontheperson,firmontheissue.

Oneofthefourkeycharacteristicsofeffectivecommunication,fromtheauthorsbook(clickontitle):HowtoCommunicateEffectivelyandHandleDifficultPeople(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/).

3.NoticeYourNegativeThoughtPatternsfromaDistance

Tochangelowselfesteem,itsimportanttoobservewhenwereengagedinthoughtpatternsthatsabotageselfworth.Whenlowselfesteemissueshavebeenconditionedformanyyears,theresultingnegativethoughtpatternsarelikelyautomaticandunconscious(/basics/unconscious),untilyoupausethemwithyourObserverSelf.

TheObserverSelfisausefulpsychologicalresourcethathelpsincreaseawarenessinmanysituations.Itisthepartofyourconsciousnessthatexercisesmindfulness(/basics/mindfulness),andhelpsyoumakeintelligent,thoughtfulchoices.



Forexample,ifyouhavethetendencytolookatyourselfinthemirrorinthemorningandthinkImunattractiveinstead,simplynoticeandmakeamentalnotetoyourselfthatIjusthadanegativethought.ThisobjectiveobservationisyourObserverSelfinaction.Noticeyournegativethoughtswithoutjudgment.Avoidbeatingyourselfupaboutthelowselfesteemissue(s).Simplynotice,withcuriosityasifyourewatchingyourselfinanexperiment,andevenwithcompassionandhumor(/basics/humor).Say,forexample,fromyourObserverSelftoyourloweresteemself:Theregoesmylowerselfagain.Hello!Thatsalright.Youcanfeelthiswayifyoulike.Imhereforyou.Iknowwhattodototakegoodcareofyou.WhenyouutilizeyourObserverSelfinthiswayonaregularbasis,youprogressivelydistanceyourselffromthenegativethoughts,psychologicallyandemotionally.Thisgivesyoutheopeningtointroduceheathyselfesteemhabitsoutlinedinpoints#47below.

4.TalkBacktoYourNegativeThoughtswithAssertiveResponses

Onceyoudistanceyourselffromyournegativethoughts,youcanmoreeasilytalkbacktothem,andreplacethenegativethoughtswithpositive,empoweringthoughts.Thisactionispositivehabitformingwithrepetition,persistence,anddetermination.Herearejusttwoexamples:

A.Reducingnegativepersonalization.Whenyoufeeladverselyaboutsomeonesbehavior,avoidjumpingtoanegativeconclusionrightaway.Instead,comeupwithmultiplewaysofviewingthesituationbeforereacting.Forexample,Imaybetemptedtothinkmyfrienddidntreturnmycallbecauseshesignoringme,orIcanconsiderthepossibilitythatshesbeenverybusy.Whenweavoidpersonalizingotherpeople'sbehaviors,wecanperceivetheirexpressionsmoreobjectively.Peopledowhattheydobecauseofthemmorethanbecauseofus.Wideningourperspectivecanreducethepossibilityofmisunderstanding.

B.Reducingthefear(/basics/fear)ofrejection.Oneeffectivewaytomanageyourfearofrejectionistoprovideyourselfwithmultipleoptionsinimportantsituations,sothatnomatterwhathappens,youhavestrongalternativesgoingforward.Avoidputtingallofyoureggsinonebasket(emotionally)byidentifyingaviablePlanB,andalsoaPlanC,shouldPlanAnotworkout.Forexample:

Increasedfearofrejection:Imapplyingformydreamjob.Illbedevastatediftheydonthireme.

Decreasedfearofrejection:Imapplyingforthreeexcitingpositions.Ifonedoesntpanout,therearetwomoreImwellqualifiedfor.

Formoreindepthinformationonreducingoreliminatingoverfifteentypesofnegativeattitudesandfeelings,seemybook(clickontitle):"HowtoLetGoofNegativeThoughtsandEmotions(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/).

5.RecognizeWhereYouMayBeRunningYourOldTape



Whenwecontemplatewherewemighthavepickedupcertainlowselfesteemissues,wemayrecallpastexperienceswhenweinternalizednegativeordoubleedgedinfluences.Forexample:

Watchingbeautiful,skinnymodelsinthemediaasachildmayhavecausedinsecurityaboutonesownbody.

Beingteasedinfrontofclasswhilegivingareportmayhaveinducedafearofpublicspeaking(/basics/stagefright).

Witnessingtheparents(/basics/parenting)divorce(/basics/divorce)asayoungpersonmayhaveaffectedonesconfidenceinhavingasuccessfulcommittedrelationship.

Beingtaughtsociallyorculturallytorespectauthoritymayhaveinhibitedonesassertiveness(/basics/assertiveness)indealingwithdifficultmanagers.

Beingawareofthepossibleoriginsofoneslowselfesteem,andrecognizingthatlowselfesteemislargelylearnedisaninherentlyempoweringexercise.Asalearnedanomaly,lowselfesteemcanalsobeunlearned,justlikereplaceapoorhabitwithahealthyhabit.In"HowtoLetGoofNegativeThoughtsandEmotions(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/),Ipresentastepbystepexerciseonhowtorecognizeanderadicateonesnegativelyconditionedoldtape.

6.ChangeNegativeSocialComparisonstoHumanization

Oneoftheeasiestandmostcommonwaystofeelbadaboutoneselfistocompareyourselfunfavorablytoothers.Wemaybetemptedtocompareourselveswiththosewhohavemoreaccomplishments,seemmoreattractive,makemoremoney,orboastmoreFacebook(/basics/socialnetworking)friends.

Whenyoufindyourselfwishingtohavewhatsomeoneelsehas,andfeeljealous(/basics/jealousy),inferiororinadequateastheresult,yourehavinganegativesocialcomparisonmoment.

Habitualnegativesocialcomparisonscancauseapersontoexperiencegreaterstress(/basics/stress),anxiety,depression(/basics/depression/depressionandsociety),andmakeselfdefeatingchoices.

Twointerestingnotesaboutnegativesocialcomparison:

A.Negativesocialcomparisonhaselementsofnarcissism.

Whenwewishtolook,be,orhavelikeothers,werenotreallywishingforeverythingaboutthatperson,butonlytheidealizedaspectsoftheindividual.Thisidealizedandgrandioseperceptionofanotherisnarcissistic(/basics/narcissism)innature(/basics/environment).Chancesare,noteventhosewhomyourcompareyourselfwithcanliveuptoyouridealizedimagesofthem.Thisiswhysooftenwhenpeoplespend



somelengthoftimewiththeirheroes,heroines,rolemodels,oridols,theydiscoverthatthosewhomtheylookuptoalsohaveweaknesses,flaws,difficultiesandproblemsjustlikeeveryoneelse.

B.Itsrelativelyeasytochangefromidealizingtohumanizing.

Forexample,youmaywishthatyouhavetheperfectcareer(/basics/career)andalotofmoneylikeyourmanagerJoe,orthegoodlooksofyourfriendKelly,orawonderfulromanticrelationship(/basics/relationships)likeSamantha.Comparingyourselfwiththemmightcauseyoutofeelsomehowlesser.Butwhenyoulookattheirlivesmoreobjectively,youknowthatJoehashealthproblemsandfamilyissues,Kellyisactuallyinsecureaboutherlooks,andittookSamanthaapainfuldivorceandmanyhardlessonsbeforeshefoundacompatiblemate.Lookingatthemfromamorebalancedperspective,yourealizetheresmorethanmeetstheeye,andthattheyrehumanbeingswiththeirownshareofchallengeslikeyou.

7.CreatePositiveSanctuariesInYourLife

Thefinaltiptochangefromlowselfesteemtohealthyselfesteemistocreatepositivesanctuariesinyourlife,whereonaregularbasisyoucanreceivesupportive,realistic,andaffirmingmessages.Thiscanoccurinthecompanyofpositivefamilymembers,friends,counselor,therapist,supportgroups,teachers,colleagues,orcommunityorganizations.Identifyandembraceyourbasisofsupportbasedonacceptanceofwhoyouareasaperson,empathy(/basics/empathy)foryourweaknessesandvulnerabilities,andencouragementforyoutomoveforwardinyourlifeinahealthyandconstructiveway.

Youcantflylikeaneagleifyouhangoutwithturkeys!

Anonymous

AroundpeoplewhoarepositiveI'mhappierandabletobewhoIam.

fromtheInternet

Inaddition,createapositivesanctuaryinyourowninnerlife.Eachmorningorevening,takeafewminutestoacknowledgingandaffirmyourself.Validatewhatsworkinginyourlife(nomatterhowlargeorsmall),identifypurposefulgoals(/basics/motivation),andcountyourblessings.Expressgratitude(/basics/gratitude)forwhatyoualreadyhave.Developadailyritualtoresourceandempoweryourself.

Formoreindepthinformationonenhancingyourselfesteem,aswellaswaystoreduceoreliminateoverfifteentypesofnegativeattitudesandfeelings,seemybook(clickontitle):"HowtoLetGoofNegativeThoughtsandEmotions(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/).



Formoreonpersonalandprofessionalsuccess,downloadfreeexcerptsofmypublications(clickontitleorcover):HowtoCommunicateEffectivelyandHandleDifficultPeople(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/),"CommunicationSuccesswithFourPersonalityTypes(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/),""The7KeystoLifeSuccess(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/),""SevenKeystoLongTermRelationshipSuccess(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/),"and"ConfidentCommunicationforFemaleProfessionals(http://www.nipreston.com/publications/)."

(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/)(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/)

(http://nipreston.com/new/publications/)

FollowmeonTwitter(https://twitter.com/commsuccess),Facebook(http://www.facebook.com/preston.ni),andLinkedIn(http://www.linkedin.com/in/commsuccess)!

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PrestonNi,M.S.B.A.isavailableasapresenter,workshopfacilitator,andprivatecoach.Formoreinformation,[email protected](mailto:[email protected]),orvisitwww.nipreston.com(http://www.nipreston.com/home/).

2015byPrestonC.Ni.Allrightsreservedworldwide.Copyrightviolationmaysubjecttheviolatortolegalprosecution.



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7 Keys to Increasing Your Self-Esteem Today! _ Psychology Today