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8/21/2019
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"I don’t want to go!"What’s a Parenting Coordinator To Do?
Barbara Jo Fidler, PhD, CPsych, AccFM, FDRP PC
Sponsored by OurFamilyWizard.com
Learning Objectives
1. Recognize specific challenges parenting coordinators face when working with cases involving parent‐child contact problems (PCCP) ‐ resist‐refuse dynamics (RRD).
2. Identify specific tools or strategies parenting coordinators can employ in cases involving resist‐refuse dynamics.
3. Elucidate effective protocols and procedures for parenting coordinator and therapist collaboration.
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What is Parenting Coordination?• A future dispute resolution mechanism ‐ on one end of
spectrum of dispute resolution mechanisms for chronic, high conflict coparenting situations
• Intended to resolve disputes in a timely manner that brings finality to the issue
• Done by lawyers, mph and mediators
• Typically, a post parenting plan service – to assist with implementation of final parenting plan
– variations exist that involve creating a parenting plan or assisting to implement interim step up parenting time schedules
• May be by court order or consent agreement (varies by jurisdiction)
• See AFCC website for update Guidelines (June 2019)
Functions Performed by PC
• Hybrid role—blending of legal and mental health functions:
– assessment (for dynamics, type & level of conflict, power, control, violence, abuse, how child is involved in conflict)
– parent education/coaching
– coordination/case management
– facilitation/conflict management (consensus building)
• implementing Parenting Plan
– binding decision making, subject to appeal (arbitration) within limited scope (day to day issues; in joint custody, major decisions)
PC as Decision‐Maker
• When parents have joint/shared decision making PC may be able to make major decisions such as school, health‐related decision including child having therapy and with whom
• Temporary changes to parenting time
• Protocols for coparenting behaviour, communication, child related information sharing
• Protocols for telephone contact with non‐resident parent
• Protocols for exchanges/transitions between the parent
• Protocols for which extra‐curricular activities and lessons child is enrolled in and who can attend (one or both parents), etc.
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PC Agreement, Stipulation, Court Order ‐ Covers
• NEVER begin work without detailed stipulation/order/consent agreement; obtain informed consent
• Principles/goals eg., children will benefit from a good relationship with both parents & parental conflict impacts negatively
• PC’s appointment, legislation, consent, duration of service
• Roles, Functions & Objectives
• Jurisdiction/Mandate/Scope of Authority & Areas Excluded ‐ from decision making role
• Terms Governing Parents’ Participation
• Confidentiality: 1. Between participants & PC; 2. PC communicating with others and reporting to court
• Consensus Building Process (process, governing terms)
• Decision Making Process (process, the governing law, appeal rights)
• Fees, Electronic Provision of Services, Grievance Procedures,
• Risks & Limitations – requirement in any informed consent process
PC Acts as Case Manager
PC as Case Manager• HC families often involved with many professionals
• Dysfunctional professional alliances may form (mirror those in family) ‐ splitting, all/nothing thinking, confirmatory bias
• Profs sharing information & coordinated services essential to the efficacy of each service – will mitigate prof. alliances
• PC acts as team leader ‐ organizes involvement of multiple professionals ‐ sets and facilitates protocols for structured professional communication and collaboration:
o manages flow of information, facilitates ROI forms, initiates, organizes and schedules team meetings, discussion of mutually consistent goals, boundaries and different roles, written updates, summaries, memos, Awards – PC to therapists; therapists to PC
o addresses limits of confidentiality (eg. parent vs family therapist)
o facilitates 2‐way communication about evolving goals, continued formulation of case
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Different Circumstances, Different Challenges• PC mandate may include authority over child or family therapist
(not parent therapist)
• When acting as PC, there may be more than one therapist
– child therapist; family therapist (reintegration family therapy); parent therapist (1 or 2) (or no therapist)
• When PC becomes involved midstream when therapist(s) involved:
– assists to redirect problem therapy – assist less experienced therapist, provides more objective information the therapist may not have
– may find it necessary to bring a end to a therapy/remove a therapist that is doing more harm than good
– possibly set up process and time line for a new more suitable therapy and therapist
When Child Has Individual Therapist (1)
• Though individual child therapy contraindicated in cases
involving PCCPs, in many situations child have individual
therapist to assist child adjusting to separation/divorce or
other challenges such as anxiety, school, peer relations, etc.
– may be red flags of a PCCP, RRD, eg. high conflict, other
behaviors by child or parent (see checklist, Fidler & Ward,
2013, pp. 58‐62)
• Imperative for PC and child therapist to exchange
information as soon as PC is retained – both likely to learn
important information from other, they might otherwise not
know
When Child Has Individual Therapist (2)
• PC can be a buffer to:
– protect the child’s therapy and child’s feeling of safety in the therapy to be open and honest
– to minimize parents’ involvement/interference in therapy
• Parents are required to communicate with PC, who can communicate with therapist
• Therapist communicates with PC, who can use discretion to provide feedback to parents, or address evident issues arising in the child’s therapy, relating to parenting and coparenting more appropriately, in the PC process
• Requires close working relationship between PC and child therapist
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When There is No Therapist& PC Can Decide if Therapist is Needed
• In shared (joint) decision making situations, PC may be
able to arbitrate this if parents’ cannot agree
• How might PC decide or recommend therapy, what type,
by whom?
– meet with parents individually and together
– meet with child, usually more than once
– meet with the child and each parent
– obtain relevant information from other relevant
professionals such as teacher, coach, tutor etc.
• Information from child can be kept confidential in the PC
process – clearly specified in PC Agreement/Order
PC Sets Protocol For Parents to Follow When Selecting a Therapist
• PC can direct/recommend the specific therapists with
specialized training and sufficient experience to be considered
• PC can recommend/direct therapist selection protocol to follow
• PC with parents can identify factors to be considered:
– therapist qualifications, experience, availability, approach,
location, cost
– parents meet with or have telephone call with the 2 or 3
therapists ‐ Individually? Jointly?
– PC can be part of meeting/call
– parents can rank the therapists
– if they can’t agree, PC decides
Protocol For Parents to Follow When (2)Selecting a Therapist
• PC needs to provide detailed and unambiguous steps
• Dates parents need to contact the therapist for:
– intake meeting
– to complete forms by
– to sign informed consent
– to provide informed consent (retainer) agreements and
consent forms for therapy and PC to communicate
– sorting out details related to insurance and protocols
for reimbursement
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PC Interventions in Cases Involving Parent‐Child Contact Problems (PCCP)
May also be therapist involved, may be no therapist
Each of these areas are part of PC’s mandate by way of parent education, facilitating parent agreements, or where necessary arbitrating
(decision making)
Family Therapy for PCCP Cases• For mild and moderate cases; not severe cases
• Child therapy or dyadic therapy for child and RP may be necessary but not sufficient and may well make things worse
– may reinforce the contact problem
– identifies child as the problem or responsible to fix it
• Family systems‐oriented therapy necessary; eclectic, different models and approaches used
• All family members involved in various combinations
• Involves psycho‐education, coaching, facilitating contact, clinical interventions
• Accountability key: typically, non‐confidential, reporting to court, PC or arbitrator permissible
Two Person Model: PC + Family Therapist• More entrenched cases single therapist may be challenged to
do it all ‐ a juggler just like the PC!
• May be blurred lines between what PC can/does do and what reintegration therapist can/does do
• Requires PC and therapist to communicate and coordinate services regularly
• Therapist does the individual child & parent‐child dyadic work
• While the PC, within the bounds of their mandate, may take on some of what the family therapist would do if there was no PC
– parent education, coaching with parents individually and jointly
– coparenting work individually and jointly
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Fidler, Bala & Saini, 2013
Children Who Resist PostseparationParental Contact: A Differential Approach for Legal and Mental Health Professionals.
Oxford Press
cxcccc
• Part 1: Family based interventions: Indicators, Models & Clinical Challenges
–Chapters 2 – 5
• Part II. The Overcoming Barriers Approach
• 2019
• Chapter 2: Court involvement, orders (Bala & Slabach)
• Chapter 14: Building & Managing Collaborate Teams (Sullivan)
• Chapter 5: Parenting Coordination (Fidler & Green‐berg)
• Chapter 8: Early Intervention with RRD (Greenberg & Schnider)
• Chapter 9: Therapy with Hybrid Cases (Fidler, Deutsch, & Polak)
• Chapter 10: When Trauma Alleged or Involved (Drozd, Saini, & Vellucci‐Cook)
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Coparenting Work
Preferably done with parents jointly
Can be done individually, or combination of both
Coparenting Work (Jointly and Individually)
• Engagement, setting the stage, scaffolding
• Psycho‐education
• Implementing parenting plan
• Addressing conflicts (activities, camp, temporary changes to
schedule, other scheduling issues ‐ holidays)
– using facilitation, conflict resolution, negotiation, decision
making
• Development of corrective coparenting narrative
– ultimately parents jointly deliver to children with therapist
and PC
Example of the Sequence of Interventions
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After the PC Agreement is finalized start with
engagement, setting the stage,
scaffolding
PC Establishes Parents’ Goals, Hopes, Aspirations for Children
• General principles/goals are included in PC Agreement
• In initial meeting with coparents elicit their hopes and aspirations for children
– these may overlap with list of specific dispute‐related areas within PC’s mandate
– invariably, they agree to some if not all of the goals the other parent identified
– provides scaffolding to future work
• Use the list (flip chart) throughout process – use common goals as anchor
• Another anchor: Parents asked to take photo of list and carry it around with them
Miracle Question• Provides way to look forward to observable changes and goals
• Use this early on in process with parents individually (and jointly
• Related to hopes/aspirations for children
• Suppose tonight while you were asleep, a miracle happened. When you wake up, you think: “Hey, things are going better.”
• What would you notice is different as you went through the day that would tell you this miracle had come true? What would you be doing differently? The children? The other parent? The step‐parent or grandparent? What else?
• What observable changes would we see if your day had been video recorded?
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HOPE is Essential to Growth ‐ Instill it!
Distinguish “victims” from “transcenders”(Andrew Vachss)
"Everything can be taken from a man but
one thing, the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in
any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”
Victor Frankl
Adversity & Resilience
• Provide information on ACES, resiliency, chronic/toxic stress
• Refer to resources: www.centerforthedevelopingmind.com; handouts
• Assign homework & active learning tasks (eg., tedtalks, written reflection tasks)
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Attend to Mindset
"The only difference between stepping stones and stumbling blocks is the way in which we use them.”
Adriana Doyle
Messaging through quotes, sayings, metaphor:
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
“A crisis is an opportunity for change.”
Instill Hope by Normalizing Set‐Backs
“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot...and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
Michael Jordan
Pre‐empt Setbacks By Predicting Them
• “Honeymoon phase” & setbacks common: often associated
with court dates, anniversaries, other family events, inadequate
parenting plan
• Normalize setbacks by anticipating and predicting them
– “Those that go through this have trouble at beginning and
most see positive changes.”
– “You have to go through something to get over it.”
– “There is always short term pain for long term gain.”
– “Good and sustainable change involves set backs and
struggle.”
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Research‐Informed Education with Parents Jointly and Individually
Many topics can be covered
Use video clips, handouts, books, articles
COPARENTING AFTER DIVORCE
Hetherington & Kelly, 2002;
Maccoby & Mnookin, 1992
Level of Engagement
Level
of
Conflict
LOW HIGH
LOW Parallel
40%
Cooperative
25%
HIGH Mixed
15‐20%
Conflicted
15‐20%
Models of Coparenting, Effects of Separation /Divorce
• Models of Coparenting: Conflictual, Disengaged, Cooperative – need for detailed parenting plan
• Effects of separation/divorce on children/adolescents
• Benefits of having good relationship with each parent; risks associated with if not
• Impact of parent conflict on child
• Bridge ‐ (2 min) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByBbUK4jJMg
• Afifi (20 min) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKcNyfXbQzQ
• Tears – De Breuklign (5 min) http://www.tearstheshortfilm.comhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VyduHQ6yxw
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ACES, Resiliency, VOC
• ACES study –impact on children and parents
• Trauma vs chronic stress, as related to resiliency
• VOC – want parents to get along, stop conflict, to be out of middle, parents to get along, etc.
• Nadine Burke – Ted Talk• Center For Developing Mind‐numerous
short videos, great handouts• ACES Primer – Paper Tiger (3 min)• Voice of Child ‐ Children’s Bill of Rights:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0JZH_l16Nw• Successful Coparenting – A Child’s View• “The Child of Divorce” youtube• 6 year old girl’s plea (3 min):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm0UNn7tJ5o
• Split: A Film For Kids of Divorce (& Parents) (30 min film) ‐ www.splitfilm.org
• Don’t Divorce Me (2012, HBO) ‐www.hbo.com (30 min)
Cognitive Bias, Mindset
• Paradigm Shift,
Cognitive Bias,
Impact of Language
• Mindset, Benefits of
Learning to Delay
Gratification
• Backwards Brain Bicycle (5 min) youtu.be/MFzDaBzBlL0
• Power of Words (2 min) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYcXTlGLUgE
• Carol Dweck – Ted Talk
• Alia Crum – Ted Talk
• The Power of Belief ‐ Ted Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pN34FNbOKXc
• Marshmallow Test (3:5 min) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX_oy9614HQ&spfreload=10
Perspective Taking, Cognitive Bias
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Perceptual ErrorsThings aren’t always as they seem
Anxiety Cycle, Mirror Neurons, Blame‐Game
• Anxiety Cycle
• Mirror neurons ‐emotions are contagious
• Can only control own behaviour, sequence of interactions, dance metaphor
• Brene Brown on blame ‐ (3.25 min)
• Willa the Science Kid (5 min)
• I love you…. (1 min)
• Toddler regulates (3 min)
• Why is Yawning Contagious? (5 min) www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqG4G5Z02YQ
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2LXnTQh‐3s
Differentiation of PCCPs
• Everything is not alienation
• Many causes
• Different types and severity of contact problems
• Differentiated interventions based on nature and severity
• Short/long term impacts
• Benefits of good relationship with both parents
• Adolescent brain development
• Use K & J circle diagram
• Triangle
• Parenting Teens: www.ourkidsnetwork.com(Jean Clinton, Positive Parenting videos & 2 manuals)
• The mysterious workings of the adolescent mind (15 min) Sara‐Jayne Blakemore youtube/6zVS8HIPUng
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Child’s Response
Intense Marital Conflict Before/After Separation
Divorce Conflict & Litigation
Personality of Rejected Parent
Personality of Aligned Parent
Humiliating Separation
Child’s Vulnerability
Aligned Parent’s Negative Beliefs, Behaviors
Rejected Parent’s Reactions
Sibling Relationships
Factors contributing to & sustaining parent‐child contact problems
Adapted from Kelly & Johnston, 2001
Lack of Functional Coparenting
Extended Families
Aligned Professionals (Education, Health, Legal)
Aligned Parent’s
Parenting
Rejected Parent’s Parenting
Child’s Age, Cognitive Capacity and Temperament
Strained Parent‐Child Relationships: A Continuum
Alienation
Hybrid
Justified Rejection
Alignment with one parent while contact continues
with other parent
Affinity to one parent;
Strong attachment to both parents
ALIGNMENT Divorce-specific reasons (eg, anger re ending marriage, affair, new partner); results in loyalty conflict but not total rejection. FP supports relationship with other parent
AFFINITYPreference for one parent, but no rejection of other; age or gender-related reasons
JUSTIFIED REJECTIONReaction primarily independent of FP; due to underdeveloped relationship with RP, exposure to IPV, uncontrolled mental illness, substance abuse, emotional abuse, significantly compromised parenting & FP may overreact, project own fears, anxieties, anger onto child, distort, exaggerate; protective to the point of compromised parenting
ALIENATION - Child shares FP’s attitudes, behaviors; unreasonable/disproportionate reaction; previously had good relationship with RP; Without PABs of FP, child would not have rejected other parent
HYBRID – PABs by FP & parenting difficulties by RP, exaggerated by child & FP; RP may be reactive to child’s resistance, bad behaviour
“Alienation” Defined As:Kelly & Johnston (2001)
A child who freely and persistently expresses unreasonable
negative feelings and beliefs (such as anger, hatred, rejection,
and/or fear) toward a parent that are disproportionate to
their actual experience of that parent.
Warshak (2006)
A disturbance in which children, usually in context of sharing
a parent’s negative attitudes, suffer unreasonable aversion
to a person or persons with whom they formerly enjoyed
normal relationships or with whom they would normally
develop affectionate relationships.
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PC Establishes Protocols For: Coparenting Rules of Engagement & Communication
• All or part may be in Parenting Plan or Court Order
• Likely not fulsome or detailed enough – risk of parent conflict
• As PC have a Coparenting Agreement template you start with
and then customize to meet needs of family
– attempt to get agreement and failing that require it
– PC Agreement may state that for family to be accepted into
PC’s practice there must be Coparenting Agreement
– PC Agreement may contain provision whereby PC can require
parents to attend an on line coparenting parent training eg., https://www.divorce‐education.com/high‐conflict‐solutions‐
online/ (8 hr course)
Coparenting Rules of Engagement – Sample • No denigration etc. of other parent to children or with others in
children’s earshot; require others to maintain same standard
• Not talk to children (or to others in children’s earshot) about the parent disputes/conflict
• Not leave out/allow children to read legal documents, reports etc.
• Not allow children access to parents’ electronic devices – secure, Not post messages about other parent on social media
• Not go to other parent’s homes without notice/invitation
• Protocol for responding when:
– children ask questions about parent disputes
– children complain to one parent about other parent
– coparenting behaviour in public places, at activities, school
• Not use children as messengers etc.; no questioning children about other parent
• Not schedule activities for child on other parent’s time
Protocols For Coparenting Communication
• Web‐based tool: OFW, coParenter, Talking Parents, etc. (Handout: Comparison of Apps by Feature)
• Frequency of updates (weekly, prior to and immediate after exchanges)
• Topics/headings (Medical/Heath, School/Education, Activities/Lessons, etc.‐varies by child’s age)
• Exclusions explicitly noted (eg., opinions about other parent, imputing motivation)
• Manner of communication: respectful, brief eg. BIFF (use handout)
• Reply time requirements
• Exceptions for communication for emergencies
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Parents Will Ask: What’s the point of all this?
• How does the PC manage non‐compliance?
• Will vary depending on your jurisdiction, order and
PC Agreement.
• Limits to what PC can do to enforce orders ‐ that’s
the court’s job
• Violation letters
• Reapportioning of costs
Developing the Corrective Coparenting Narrative
The Process
• PC frames it for parents (handouts, Moran et al book)
• Parents have homework, PC works with each
• Bring parents together to finalize the narrative
• Deliver it to children: PC attends therapy with therapist, children & parents
The Narrative ‐ Parents’ reframing and messaging
• Parents’ aspirations for kids
• Benefits of good relationship with both parents
• Expectations for kids re parenting time
• Identified as our new family paradigm
• Each parent takes some responsibility for their part in how they got to where they are AND where family is going
• Each parent identifies something to apologize for where possible ‐
if only the parental conflict
Overcoming the Co‐Parenting Trap Moran et al 2014 www.overcomingbarriers.org
• Skills for the “Rejected” Parent (Use of Parenting Tips)
– Resisted affection; resisted communication; discipline; challenges; apologies, activity planning
• Skills for the “Preferred” Parent
– What to say/do when a child complains
about RP, co‐parenting protocols; apologies
by PP
• Understanding the Divorce Conflict Trap
• Negotiating and Problem‐Solving
• Working through Anger, Resentment & Forgiveness
• NEW BOOK ON INTRACTABLE CONFLICT COMING!
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Family Narrative Resources
Saltzman, Babayan, Lester, Beardslee & Pynoos (2009).
Treating Traumatized Children: Risk, Resilience & Recovery, Ed By Brom, Pat Horenczyk & Ford
Chapter 15 Family Based Treatment For Child Traumatic Stress. pp. 240‐254.
Saltzman, Pynoos, Lester, Layne & Beardslee (2013). Enhancing Family Resilience Through Family Narrative Co‐Construction, Clinical Child Family Psychology Review, 16: 294‐310.
Other PC Interventions in PCCP Cases
Transitions/Exchanges in PCCP Cases
• Neutral transitions
–preferred parent not to be present
– reframe as too stressful for child
– as a good parent what can you do to decrease the stress?
• Some cases where presence of preferred parent may be necessary and helpful!
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PC Provides Coaching Direction to Parents on Their Parenting Behaviour
• PC conveys and reinforcing requests from therapist for changes in the parents’ behaviour
• PC functions as buffer to child’s therapy
• Requirement for each parent to say a positive statement to child about the other parent each, to document this, to write what child says or does in reaction
• May have to limit parent attendance at activities
• Address micromanaging of other parent’s parenting – once child with resident parent they make the day to day decisions
– not permissible to provide parenting advice
– reframe ‐ benefits of kids seeing/learning different ways; children resilient
Requirement For Child to Follow Parenting Plan with Both Parents Support
• Per parenting time schedule/court order
• To do what good parents do and teach and expect good manners and respect for child just as parent would expect of child with other individuals (teachers, friends, coach, etc)
• Consequences set in advance
– Coparents can develop these expectations together
– Implement these together
• eg., FP is called and engaged to speak with children to get them to comply
• Reporting to court
PC Directs Parent‐Child Communication
• Set protocols for regular communication for child with resisted parent while child resident with FP
• Setting protocols for restricting child’s contact with FP while resident with RP
– provisions for emergencies
– brief calls with FP on limited basis
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Enhance RP’s Involvement & Address FP’s Anxiety
• During resisted parent’s scheduled time
• Serves to address over‐involvement, enmeshment of
child with FP
• Facilitate RP taking on day‐to‐ day parenting tasks
– eg., homework, taking child to activities, cooking
with child, take care of child when ill and needs to
stay home from school
Parent Education/Coaching With Favoured Parent
• Explain benefits of age appropriate
autonomy to child’s mastery, self esteem,
adjustment etc.
• Parent to explicitly tell child, parent is fine, not lonely, has plans/busy when child gone
• Convey to parent that he/she is so important to child
– child follow’s parent’s lead, importance of children having good relationship with other parent, for child to develop own views opinions based on contact with parent
• Encourage other ways for child to separate from this parent
• Child to have sleepovers, walk to school on own where appropriate, enroll in camp and other activities
Parent Education/Coaching With Rejected Parent
• Faust, 2018 ‐ great resource generally
• Baker & Fine (2008). Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child
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DVD/Books - Consider how you use these
• Richard Warshak– www.warshak.com
• Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad‐mouthing and Brainwashing
• Welcome Back, Pluto a DVD for children, teens, and parents www.plutocenter.org
• Bill Eddy– www.highconflictinstitute.com– Don't Alienate the Kids! Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce
More References• Fidnick et al. (2011). AFCC guidelines for court‐involved therapy. FCR, 49, 564‐581.
• Ellis & Boyan (2010). Intervention strategies for parent coordination in parental alienation cases. American Journal of Family Therapy, 38(3), 218‐236.
• Greenberg & Sullivan (2012). Parenting coordinator & therapist collaboration in high‐conflict shared custody cases. Journal of Child Custody 9, 85‐107.
• Greenberg & Shuman (1997). Irreconcilable conflict between therapeutic and forensic roles. Professional Psychology: Research & Practice, 28(1), 5—57.
Thank you & Remember to Take Care of Yourself!
Barbara Fidler, Ph.D., C,Psych., Acc.FM, FDRP PCToronto, Canada
Families Moving [email protected]