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ALSOBYCOURTNEYPEPPERNELL
PillowThoughts
TheRoadBetween
KeepingLongIsland
ChasingPaperCranes
AcknowledgmentsIwouldliketothankmysupportsystem—James,Emma,Rhian,myfamily,mypupsHeroandDakota,KirstyMelville,PattyRice,andtheteamatAndrewsMcMeelPublishingforbelievinginmeandhelpingtobringmywordstolife.Ibelievewearealwaysrightwherewearemeanttobe,soit’sanhonortohaveamazingpeoplebeapartofthisjourney.
Twitter:@CourtPeppernell
Instagram:@Courtneypeppernell
Email:[email protected]
Beforewebegin,I’dliketoremindyouofastory.
Onceuponatime,therewasajellyfishcalled
You.
Youhadbeenlost
Youhadbeenalittleunsure
Youtriedveryhard
andYoubegantoheal.
NowYoumustremindothersthatsometimes
heartsache.
Ihatetospoiltheending
ButYou
canhealhearts.
TableofThoughtsIfyourheartisinlove
Ifyourheartisaching
Ifyourheartismissingsomeone
Ifyourheartishappy
Theseareforyourheart
Ifyourheartisinlove
Loveisallaroundus.
It’sinflowersandsunsets,
it’sthewhisperintrees,
thebreathofanewbornchild.
It’stwoteenagelovers,freeandwild.
Loveisamountain,ariver,ahandtohold,
it’scourageous,fierce,honest,andbold.
It’sashoulderwhenyouweep,
ablanketwhenyousleep.
Itisfamily,itisstrength,itisfaith.
Lovehasnoboundaries,nogender,
lovejustexists.
Youshouldn’tlosesleepoversomebodyanymorethantheyshouldlosesleepoveryou.Butyoudo,wealldo.
Andwecallthislove.
Jealousywillbeapartofeveryrelationship.Youcannotrunfromitbecauseitwillalwaysexist.Butdotalkaboutit;yourfeelingsarevalidandshouldn’tbedismissed.
Youhaveeveryrighttoloveyoursolitude
Beingalonedoesn’talwaysmeanyouarelonely
Iamasolarsystem
withcrashingcometsandstarclusters
Andinallmypieces
sheexists
Icanfeelhersostrongly
it’slikeIamnotevenme
anymore
Likeallmypiecesbelongtoher
Iknowlifeisn’talwaysaboutbrightcolorsandfireworks.Sometimesthecolorsaren’talwaysclear,andourdaysgetsohardtheyhurt.Butsettledownwithme,holdmyhand,letmekissyou.AllIwantistoknowyoumore.
Betterthananyoneelsehasbefore.
Lovewon’talwaysgiveyoutheanswersyouarelookingfor.
Butyouneedtocometopeacewithitanyway.
Evenifyouneverknowwhy,evenifaftereverything,itwaseasiertosaygoodbye.
Ispendhalfthemorningthinkingaboutyourphonecall,andwhenwewereupallnighttalking.HowIfelttheeffectofyourwordsonmyheart.IlieinbedandIthinkofyou.Iknowyoucomewithbaggage,butsodoI.Iknowyou’rescaredbecauseofhowotherstreatedyou.Butasthesunrisesandsets,I’mfallinginlovewithallthethingsyoudo.
AWeddingGift
Iknowtwopeopleandtheyareinlove.
Heischarmingandtall,sheisbeautifulandstrong.
TogetherIwishthemhappiness,tolastalifetimethatislong.
Iwishthemallthegoodthingsinlife
thatremindthemtobehumbleandkind.
Iwishthemsuccessandadventures
andtoleavealltheirtroublesbehind.
Dearestfriends,mayyoutodaybemanandwife
andlivewithlovefortherestofyourlife.
Sometimesthesmallestdetailsaboutapersonarethebiggestreasonswhyyoulovethem
Holdontoyourlove
ifsheisgoodandpure
Keepherclose
andifyoudreamofher
ifyouareamagnettohertouch
tellherhowinloveyouare
Youcan’tchoosewhichpartsofheryoulove.Eveninalltheuglymoments,sheshouldstillbethewomanyouwanttospendtherestofyourlifewith.Peoplearenotperfect,theyhaveflaws.Youdon’tgettochoosewhichonestoleaveout.
That’snothonestlove.
Youalwaysjustwantmore.Longerkisses,longerhugs,moretimespenttogether.You’lldrivearoundtheblockfivetimesjusttokeepthemanotherhour.Everythingisanotherstorytothebookshelfyouarebuilding.Theirhappinessbecomesjustasimportantasyours.Youlearntolovewhattheylove.You’llwanttobebetter.Becausethey’vemadeyoubetter.
YouarenotmorethanIcanhandle.
Evenifyoucomewithasuitcasefullofinsecurities,
Iwillstillwanttoknowyou.
Eveniftherearedayswhenyouarecrying
anddon’tbelieveinyourworth,Iwillstillwanttoholdyou.
Iknowyouhavestruggled;sohaveI.
Iknowthatthingsarehardonyou;metoo.
Butitdoesn’tchangehowbigyourheartis.
Iamoldenoughtomakemyownchoices,andIchooseyou.
Allthesepeoplewhocomeandgo
andyouarestill
theonlyone
Iwishtotrulyknow
Iboughtasweatertheotherday,thesamecolorasyoureyes.Istartedlisteningtoyourfavoriteband,wonderinghowthemusicmadeyoufeel.Istartedreadingbookswithcharacterswhoremindedmeofyou.WhenIcaughtthetraintothecity,Iwishedyouweretheretoo.Ifthisiswhatlovefeelslike,IamseeingyouineverythingIdo.
Intheendwhenwearelaughingatourchild’swedding,Iwanttojoke,“Idon’tknowhowyouputupwithmeforfortyyears,”knowingwe’llspendfortymoretogether.
IhavemessyhandwritingandIdon’talwaysknowwhattosay,butIwouldwriteloveletterstoyouallday.Ileavethehousewithoutanumbrellaintherain,butIwouldchooseyouagainandagain.Igetstuckwithtoomanythoughtsinmyhead,butIlistentoeverywordyou’veeversaid.Icanbeforgetfulandspendnightsallovertheplace,butyournameisinmyheartandittakesupthemostspace.
Mypencouldwrite
forathousandpeople
Butitneversmilesaboutthem
thewayitdoesforyou
Ijustwanttowearyourt-shirtsandwakeupinyourarms.Ijustwanttokissyouovercoffeeandsleepinwithyouduringrainstorms.Ijustwanttoholdyourhandinthestreetwithouthavingtoworrywhatpeoplewillthink.
Whenthesunrises,andyouareawake,youarebeautiful
Icouldspendalldayconnectingthefrecklesacrossyourback
Aslongasyouwillhaveme,thenIwillbeyours
becauseIwanttomakeyouhappyforallouryears
So,Iwanttosaythankyouforallthatyouareanddo
andmyheartissofullofallitsloveforyou
Ilovethisclosenessbetweenus.Ipineforeveryoneofherkisses.I’dspendmydaysdrivingthecoastlinewithmylovebesideme.Aninfinitedarkskywithstarsbecausesheremindsmeofthemoon.Momentsspentwithhercannevercomesoonenough.Towatchourlovegrowbetweenwhitesheetsandwine,fromstrangerstoshe-is-mine.Tobeyoungandwild,thentoblossomtogetherintooldage.IfIcouldwriteallmyloveforherbetweentheselines,itwouldfilleverypage.
Weareinthatfunnylittlestagewherewearealwaystogetherbutsomenightswearenot.ButIcan’tstandthosenightsalone,becausemybodywrappedaroundthecurveofyourbackandthesoundsofyourbreathinthedarkarenowtheonlywaysIcansleep.
Tonight,weareapart,soIamawake.
BeingwithherislikelisteningtoasongthatIwillalwaysremember.Itdoesn’tmatterhowmanytimesIlistentothesong,I’llalwaysremembermyfirsttimehearingit.Itfeltlikethesongknewme,andnotwhoIpretendedtobewhentheheadphonesweren’tin.Itfeltlikedrivingaroundlateatnight,andthesongplaysontheradio,andyoujustknowit’sasongthatwillchangeyourlife.
Wearen’tperfect,weneverwillbe.ButIlovetalkingtoyou,IlovetellingyouhowIfeelandhavingyoulistentome.AndIlovelisteningtoyoutoo.Allyourhopesanddreamsandinsecurities.Becausewheneverythingfadesawayandouragebeginstoshow,allwewillhaveleftistolisten.AndbecauseIlovethesoundofyourvoiceandtheechoesofyoursoul,Iwilllistentoyoufortherestofyourlife.Yourthoughtsmirrormythoughts,together,twopartsofawhole.
Idaydreamaboutthedayyouwillbemywife.It’llbeChristmastime,andourchildrenwillbeasleepwhileweareinthelivingroombythetree,tryingtobequietbutgigglingoverwine.Youwillstilllookbeautifulinpajamaswithyourhairpastyourshoulders,andI’llstilllovethetreelightsevenifwearegettingolder.Wewilltrytoguesswhatourboyandgirlwillsayaftertheynoticethehalf-eatencookieandthedropofmilkleftontheplateandtray.Andmyheartwillflutterasyoukissmylips,andwe’llsay“MerryChristmas,”becauselifewasmeanttobejustlikethis.
Allyoudoissmile
andIfeelitinmysoul
Howdoyoudothat?
Youmakemefeelyourlove
eveninmybones
You’reincredible
Ihopeyouknow
howIloveyouso
Ididn’tstandachance,theminuteIsawyouacrossthehall.Intheblinkofaneyemyheartwasyours.NowI’mwonderingifdestinyexists,iffaterestsinourhandsandmakesusfallsoinlovewecanbarelystand.Iwanttoknowthetasteofyourlips,andhowfarIwouldgotokeepyousafe.EvenifIhavelovedlongbefore,thistimemyheartisbeatingloud.We’vebeentakingphotographstohanguponthewall,ofmemoriesandadventuresanddayslivedtogether,andyetIstillrememberthemomentIsawyouacrossthehall.
Therearethingswetakeforgranted,likefreshlaundryandawindowtowatchthesky.Therearetimesweseelossandpainandwequestionwhy.ButIwillneverapologizeforleaningacrossthepassengerseattopressmylipstoyours.Iwillneverapologizefortellingtheworldthatyouarewhatisimportantinmylifeandinmyeyes.Iwillneverapologizeforstartingourdayswithgoodmorningsandendingthemwithgoodbyes.Iwillneverapologizeforallthememoriesthatweshareorthelyricswepoorlysing.IwillneverapologizeforallthisloveIhavetogive.Becauseit’syoursandIloveyoumorethananything.
We’reyoung,butnotthatyoung.Somepeoplearesixty-fiveandstillfeelyoung.Justbecausewehaveyearsaheadofusdoesn’tmeanourloveisn’tgoingtolastalifetime.Thenagainmaybewedon’thaveyears;everythingcouldendtomorrow.ButIwillloveyouanyway.Everyday,deeply,wholeheartedly,evenifweareyoung,evenifweareold.Myloveforyouwillbegentle,butfierceandbold.
WhenIamonthesubwaycominghomefromwork,IthinkaboutwakinguponaSundaymorningwithyoursideofthebedmade.Iwilldressinsweatsandfindyouinthekitchen,standingbythewindowwithcoffeeandstaringintotheyard.Thesunlightwillbeinyourhair,andyou’llcatchmetryingnottostare.Youwillsmile,withlipsthathavemedrunkinlove,andyou’llaskhowIslept.AndI’llsaybetterthanever,becauseIfeltsafewithyou,andthat’safeelingIwantforever.
Tellmehowtoreachyourheart
Showmewhereyoukeepit
Letmestay
Maybethat’swhatlifeisabout,
youwaitforthatperson
whoyoucouldlistentoforhours.
Thatpersonwhoisgoingtohave
arealconversationwithyou,
makeyoulaugh,
makeyoufeelalittlelost
whenyouhangupthephone.
Youwillalwaysbemydestination,myhome,mywholeheart.
Ilovetoloveyou.
You’llJustKnow
You’llseethemineverything.
Suddenlythesunreflectingoffyourwindshieldglowsthesamewayastheirsmile.ThesupermarketremindsyouofthatSundaymorningtheytriedtomakeyoupancakesandgotflouralloverthefloor.Theblanketatthefootofyourbedsuddenlybecomesasubstitutewhenthey’renotthere,andeverysingletime,it’snotnearlywarmenough.
Theireyesbecomegalaxiestogetlostin.Youthinkthey’rethefunniest,smartest,mostbeautifulpersonyouhaveevermet.Theydriveyoucrazyinthebestway.You’realwaysdrunkonthethoughtofthem.
Suddenlytheirbodybecomesamap,adiagram,aplacetocreatepathwayswithyourownfingertips.You’lltreatthisasadelicateriteofpassage,asthoughsomeoneislettingyoutouchgold.You’reanartistwhowantstodrawacrosstheircanvas.You’reanexplorerwhowantstodiscoveralltheplacesyourbodyfitswiththeirs.
Eachhugfeelslikeit’snotlongenough.Whentheyfoldintoyou.Whentheyhangoffeverywordyousay.Yousmellthemeverywhere.Inyourbedsheets,onyourclothes,assoonastheywalkintotheroom.Theysmelllikepineoakinthespring,likefirewoodinthewinter,likerainonasummernight.
Thewaytheylookatyou.Thewaytheyspellandsayyourname.
Youknowtheircoffeeorder,youknowwhatdaystheydolaundrybecausethey’llcallyoutoborrowclothes.Youknowtheirfavoritecolor,whatmakesthemlaugh,whatturnsthemon,whatbooksthey’llread,whatmoviesthey’llpick,everythingtheyhateaboutthemselvesyou’llloveevenmore.Youwanttoseetheworldwiththem.
Youthinkaboutthefuture.Marryingthem.Itscaresyou.Itexcitesyou.Youdon’tknowwhethertothinkaboutit,butyoucan’thelpit.Youthinkaboutwhetheryou’llgetacatordogfirst.Whathouseyou’llhave,whatyourchildrenwilllooklike.
You’llwanttobebetter.Becausethey’vemadeyoubetter.
Aboveanything,lovewillalwayscomebackintoyourlife.
Loveisn’talwaysaboutfallinginlovewithaperson.Loveispassingyourfinalexams.Loveiswatchingthesuncomeupbetweentheclouds.Loveisfindingthelightwhenyouwereinthedark.LoveiswhenyourfavoriteTVshowreturns.Loveiswhenyourdogtiltsitsheadwithconfusion.Loveisafreeicecreamvoucherleftonyourcarwindshield.Loveistheleavesfallinginthefall.Loveislearningtheconstellations.Loveissolvingaridiculousmathproblem.LoveisthechangingStarbucksmenufortheseasons.Loveiswatchingachildplayinthesandbox.Loveiswarmclotheswhentheycomeoutofthedryer.Whenyousayyou’vegivenuponlove,allyou’rereallysayingisthatyou’veclosedyoureyes.
Openthem.
Itissaidthatartistspaintportraitsoftheonestheylove.Well,writersdoittoo.Onlytheystringtogethersentencesaboutallthethingsthatmightbetoohardtosayinperson.Writersdon’tjustwriteaboutnothing.Theywriteaboutthethingskeptinthedeepestpartoftheirhearts.Theywritewithpassion,withmeaning.Theywritetoshowyouthattheycare.Andmorethanthat,theytrustyouwiththeirwords.Theygiveyoutheirwords,becausetheyaretryingtosay“Iloveyou.”
Ihopeyoufindalovethatlistenstoyouwhenyouneedtotalk.Ihopeyoufindalovethatnevertakesyouforgranted.Ihopeyoufindalovethatmakesyoufeelsafe.Ihopeyoufindalovethatwishesforyourdreamsasmuchasyoudo.Ihopeyoufindalovethatkissesyouwithsuchintensity,inthatmomentyouforgethowtobreathe.
Ifyourheartisaching
TheThreeKindsofHeartbreak
Thefirstiswhen
someoneisrecklesswith
yourheart
anditbreaksandshatters
inways
youneverthoughtitcould
Thesecondiswhen
youbreak
someoneelse’sheart
Becauseyou’llnever
knowpain
likethetypethathasyou
lookintotheireyes
buttheylookaway
Andtheworstkindofheartbreak
isthekindthatcomesalong
whenyouhavetowatch
thepersonyoulove
behappy
withsomeoneelse
Sometimesheartbreakwillfeellight,likeafeatherfallingfromthesky.Othertimesitwillhurtsomuchyou’llstandinfrontofthemirrorandbeg,why?Itwillcomeandgothroughchaptersofyourlife.Youwillcry.Youwilllieawakeatnighthopingitwillpassinthemorning.
Anditwillpass.
Theachewillpasswitheverytideandreturnwhenthingshavecomecrashingdown.
Itisacontinuouscycle,heretomakeyoustronger.
Whensheputsherarmsaroundyou,shewillmakeyoufeelsafe,butrarelywillshetakeyouinherarms.Shewillcallyoulateatnightwhentheradioisplayingherfavoritesongandtellyouhowmuchitremindsherofyou.Butthesearethesamesongsshehasdedicatedtothosebeforeyou.Listentoherwhenshe’scrying;it’soneoftheonlytimesshewilltellyouthetruth.Shewillpretendtounderstandyou,andyou’llbelieveherwhenshesaysshelovesallyourflaws.Shewilltellyoushewantsallthesamethingsyoudo,butshedoesn’t.Shedoesn’tknowwhatshewants.Shewilltellyouthatyouaretheonlythingsheneeds,butyouaren’t.Shewillwantothers.Shewillbelievesheisalwaysrightevenwhenshe’snotandyouknowshe’snot,butyou’llstoparguinganyway.You’llstaybecauseherselfishnessandherrecklessnessdon’tseemlessthanordinary.Everyonearoundyouwillconstantlysayhowbeautifulsheis,aworkofart,someoneextraordinary.Untilthedaysheshowsthetruecolorsunderneathhermask.Theywillbedarkanddangerousandinyourhesitation,youmightsurvive.Youmightjustdodgeabullet.
Forthepersonwholoveshernext,becauseIcouldn’t.
Myeyeshurtfromstaringatascreentryingtoforgetthememories.Mylegshurtfromrunningthroughemptystreetstryingtoforgetallthenightsyousleptinmysheets.Myhandshurtfromtryingtodistractmyselfinthepagesofabook.I’vebeenhopingtoforgetyoursmileandthewayyoulook.
Thestaticcanmakeourdistance
soundlikelove
Whensoftwordsseem
enough
forallthemilesinbetween
I’msorryfornotcallingback
I’msorryforallthenightsIdisappeared
becausethingsareneverastheyseem
Idreamaboutyoutoomuch
SometimesIlosemyselfinthosedreams
andIimaginethewayyoubreathe
andifyoutalkinyoursleep
andthewayI’dkissyouawake
ButthenImustremindmyself
thatyouwon’tbeherewhenIwakeup
Iguessthat’swhy
I’mafraidofthedark
Iwantedtotakeyourbreathaway
makeyourheartrace
youreyesonlyforme
Butyouliveliferecklessly
inallyourlonelyspace
Iwantedtofillpartsofyou
toloveyouwithallIhad
Butnotifitmeantlosingmyself
inyourmisery
SonowIlooktheotherway
whenyoupassby
AndI’vegivenup
onallourhistory
Thinkingmaybeyouare
justbetterleftamystery
Iwaitedonthebridge,butyounevercame
Iwaitedalldayforsomeone
whoIthoughtfeltthesame
I’llseeyouwhenIseeyou
I’llstillloveyouwhenIdo
Butfornow
Goodbyetoyou
Goodbyeto
allthethings
Ican’tkeepholdingonto
Mydreamswerealwaysofyou
buteverytimeIclosedmyeyes
youbelongedtosomeoneelse
Ithurttoloveher
Daysspentwonderingifshewouldgetbetter
Butshecouldnotsaveherself
andIstartedtorealize
weweren’tmeanttobe
andintheend
thepersonIendedupsaving
wasme
Thehesitationwillbequiet.Itwillcomewhenyouleastexpectit.Itwillrisefromthedepthsofyourachingsoulandsettleinyourheartasthreewords.
Ideservebetter
Intheyearstocome,Ihopetobeproudofyou.IhopethatIwillnotthinkofalltheterriblethingsyoudidorthecarelessnessyoushowedmyheart.Ihopeyoursoulwillgrowandthedistancewillallowforgivenesstosettleinbetweenthespacesthatkeepusapart.IhopeIshowempathyforthekindnessyoulacked,andthattimeprovesitscompassiontomyoldwounds.
Leaving
Youhandedmethebox,andIheldontoitforamoment,hopingmyfeetwouldmovetowardthedoor.ButIwantedyoutosaysomething,tomakeeverythinghurtless.Youcouldhavesaidanything,andIwouldhavebeengrateful.
Thesilencehungbetweenus,likeaheartslowlybreaking.Ireachedforthedoor,pulleditopen,onefootinthehallway,theotherinahomethatwasn’toursanymore.Itwasstrange,whatyousaidnext,whenyouturnedtomeandasked,
“Youhaven’tleftanythingbehind,haveyou?”
Ihadlaughed,asadlittlelaughthattraveledfrommetoyou,butonlybecauseIknewwewerebothrememberingthesamething.AllthetimesIhadleftmyshoesorcoatorwalletatyourplaceandyouwouldcallmetoletmeknow.Iwasconstantlyreturningtocollectthings.InevertoldyouthatIwasalwaysleavingthingsbehindsoIcouldreturnthenextday,justtoseeyouagain.
Buttherewouldn’tbeanextdayanymore.
Ilookedatyouonelasttime,rightbeforesteppingthroughtheapartmentdoor,andIhopedintimewewouldlookbackwithfondmemories.ButnowIrealizehowsadthelastthingyouhadsaidtomewas.Afteryouclosedthedoor,Iwasleavingsomethingbehindagain.
Itwasyou.
Youwillhaveyourheartbrokensobadly
youwillquestioniflovestillexists
Buttherearestillsoulsinthislife
whowillsayyournameinbetween
kissesspelledwiththeirlips
andtheywillholdyourhand
andtheywon’tletgo
Thereisnosuchthingasheartlessness.Ifsomeoneiscruelandunkind,itisbecausetheydonotknowofthekindnessfromstrangersorthelightwithinlove.Andiftheydonotknowoflight,howsadandlonelytheymustbe,tobecomedemonsofthenight.
Justbecausethebruisesaren’tvisibledoesn’tmeantheyaren’tthere
Thesaddestacheyouwilleverknow
istowakeuponedayandrealize
youhaverunoutoftime
Heartbreakisn’talwaystearsandpackingawayaboxofheroldthings.Itcanbeahighwaylateatnightandthinkingaboutthewaysheusedtosing.Itcanbeanemptyaisleinthegrocerystore,lookingatherfavoritechocolateandnotwantingtobuyitanymore.
Thereisalwaysonewhoiscarefulandsafewhiletheotheriswildandbrave.Togetherthingswillgetsomessyit’shardtowantmore.Andwithforgottenmemorieslitteredonthefloor,onewillalwayshaveasuitcasepackedandafootoutthedoor.
Butyouknowwhatitmeanstobehappy
Whenthingsseemsimplerandnotpiledon
asthoughyoumightbreak
Reachingoutforhelpisneverabadthing
Weneedtobebetter
Beforeit’stoolate
Thegriefwillfeellikeashadow.Eachtimeyoulookinthemirroritwillbearoundyou.Butitspurposeistoguideyoubackfromthedepthsofdespair.Itmightnotmakeanysense,butgriefunderstandswhatyoucanhandle.
Itknowswhatisandisn’tfair.
Astragicasitseems
ashurtfulasitfeels
iftheygaveuponyou
inyourworstmoment
theyneverreallylovedyou
Justbecauseithurtsdoesn’tmeanyouneedtoshrinkyourheartintosomethingthatcannolongerfeel.Openyourarmswithyourfacetothesky.Wewerenotmadetobeeasytolove.Allthatsoulinsideyouwillstillbeheard,evenafterthedayyoudie.
Theybrokeyourheart,soyoufoundyourselfreadingtextsandletterstopiecetogetherwhereitallwentwrong.Youhavesleeplessnightsandthoughtspushingyoutothelimit.Becauseheartbreakcanalsomeanabrokenspirit.
Ifyouarenothappy,youarenotobligatedtostay.Iftheywanttomakeyoucomeundoneandmakeyouquestionallthatyouareworth,thenit’sbesttowalkaway.
Thehighschooldancewillfeellikeamomentthatdefinedyou.Thatnothingelseinlifematteredandnooneelseexisted.Untilyou’reolderandyou’vediscoveredevenbonescanacheandnoteveryonewillgiveyouasecondchance.So,you’llstareintoanemptybottleandwishlifewereassimpleasahighschooldance.
Howmanyheartbreakscanyousurvive?
Allofthem
Becauseyouarenotmerely
skinandbones
Youarethelightandwonder
Youareajoytobeknown
Youarethecastleasoulcallshome
Youcouldbegsomeonetohealyou
inallthewaysyoucan’thealyourself.
Butotherpeoplearenotbandages.
Youareyourownjourney.
Thepainbelongstoyou.
Youstilllovethem,eveniftheynolongerloveyou.Thereisbraveryinlettinggoofaloveyouthoughtyouknew.Thereisnoshameinwantingsomeonewhodoesn’twantyouback.Butdarling,youdeservesomeonewhowantstoloveyoujustasmuch.
Acheisgoodforyou,eventhoughIknowitdoesn’tfeellikeitatthetime.Whensomeonebreaksyourheart,youcanbarelymovefrombed.Andyoustarttoquestionifyouwereevergoodenough.Allthesemessythoughtsinsideyourhead.Butyourheartneedstobreakinwaysthatdon’tseemfair.Itneedstosurvivesomeonecruelandselfishandunkind.Becauseyouwilllearnthatlifeisonlymeanttobelivedwithsomeonewhorespectsyourhopesanddreamsliketheirown.Heartbreakteachesyouthedifferencebetweenapersonwhoisnogoodforyouandsomeonewhowouldneverleaveyoualone.
Thehardestthingyouwilleverdoinyourlifeisforgivesomeonewhoneverapologized.Butyoudon’tneedtodothisforthem;youneedtodothisforyourself.
Youarenottheonlypersontobebroken,andyouwon’tbethelast.Therehavebeencenturiesofbrokenhearts,eachwiththeirownstories:afuture,present,andpast.So,youmustknowthatdespitetheacheinyoursoulandyourshakingvoice,thereisseldomaheartthatescapespainlikeithasachoice.Butyoudogettochoosehowyourecover.Andthatissomethingthatcannotbetakenawayfromyou,notevenbyanother.
Feelit,allofit.Thepain,theache,thevoiceinyourheadscreaming“Whydidyoustayforaslongasyoudid?”Youareallowedtopityyourself,youareallowednightswhereyoucanbarelymovefrombed.Thereisnolimitonthetimeittakestoheal.Butyoumustcontinuetofeel.Youneedtobreakandbendandthenaskyourselfwhenallthemiserywillend.Becauseitwillend.Onemorningyouwillwakeupandyouwillnoticethesun,youwillnoticethenewspaperonyourfrontlawnandthatthenightmareshavegone,youwillnoticeyourselfandhowfaryou’vecomeinmovingon.
Idon’twanttotalkaboutit
YouknowIcan’tstandgoodbyes
IfIaskedyoutostay
wouldyoutakemyhandinyours?
Sayyou’llneverleaveme
Ijustneedyoutoknow
everydayIwishIhadsaid
allthewordsinmyhead
It’seasiernottogetclosetoyou,tostayawayfromallthehurt.Everytimewetrythisagain,itonlyendsingoodbye.Oursadtruthisthatweshouldneverhavetried.
Thenightcoversmytears,butmyheartisstillachingafteralltheseyears.
Suchasadsoul,livinginaworldyoudon’tbelong.Iknowallthoselovesongsontheradioonlyremindyouofthelovethat’scomeandgone.Closingeyesanddreamingofaplacewhereyoudon’tfeelsoalone.
Youmustrememberthatyouarehuman.Filledwiththoughtsandfeelingsthatwillmakeyouacheuntilthepainfeelsitmightstay.Butitisnotheretoruinyou.Theacheisheretoremindyouthatyouwillsurvive,inanythingyoudo.
Ifyourheartismissingsomeone
SometimesIwonderifthepeoplefarthestawayfromusarethepeoplewhoknowusthemost.Everyoneseemstothinkthatlovelikethisdoesn’texistwithdistance.Butthentheydon’treadtheiremailslateatnight,speakingtoyouinsecretcodedwords.Theydon’tseeyouinthemorningswhenyou’veleftthelaptoprunning,andthereyouare,asleepontheothersideofthescreen.
Andthenthere’sallthatyouare.
Awomanwithdewdropsinyourhair,andarunawaysmile,andeyesbrighterthandiamonds,andtheonlythingIcanthinkaboutisthatIbetyousmelllikecoffeeonaSundaymorning.
I’veneverreallybeengoodatmuch
otherthancatchingplanesandwritingthingsdown
SoifIweretoboardaplaneandfindmyselfinyourcity
Ihopeyoumightletmewritesomethingsacrossyourskin
Likemynameandmythoughts
andafewreasonswhyI’dboardthatplaneagainandagain
Imissyoueveryday
Buttoday
itfeelslikeeverything
Ido
isjustheretoremindme
Iamlivingwithoutyou
Myhandreachesacrossthesheetsforyou
eventhoughIknowyou’renothere
Howdoyouleavemebreathless
frommilesaway
I’veneverreallybeenjealousofanything,exceptmaybepeoplewithfastcars.ButeverydayIfindmyselfjealousofthethingsthatmakeupyourday.I’mjealousofthecoffeeyoudrink,becauseithasthetasteofyourlips.I’mjealousofyourpillowatnight,becauseitholdsallyoursecrets.I’mjealousofallyourblankets,becausethey’retangledupinyou.I’mjealousofthestarsoutsideyourwindow,becausetheygettowatchyousleep.I’mjealousofallyourdistractions,becausetheyhaveyourtimeoverme.I’mjealousofthethingsthatkeepyouawake,becauselatelyIdon’tthinkthey’reme.Butmorethananything,I’mjealousofyour6a.m.,becauseit’llnevertellyouhowperfectyoulook,whenyoujustwakeup.
Findthekindoflovethatdoesn’tmakeyouquestiontheirintentions.Findthekindoflovethatmakesthedistancebetweenyouworthit.
Evenifweneverseeeachotheragain,knowthatinthemomentsweheldeachother’shearts,youwerewhatIneededmost.
OurdaysarefullofImissyouandImissyoutootexts,countingdownmonthsuntilwearetogetheragain.Butwhenwekissedforthefirsttime,Iknewallthemissingwouldbeworththetasteofyoursoul.
SometimesIworrythatIwon’tfindsomeone.ThatthepersonwhodeservesallthisloveIhavetogiveisouttherewithsomeoneelse.IworrythatIwon’tfindalovetobelievein,thatIwon’tfindahandthatfitswithmine.Idon’tknowhowIcanmisssomeoneI’venevermet,butIdo.
Iwassosurethatwewouldbe,howamIsupposedtoacceptthatnowwewillneverbe?
We’renottogetheranymore
YousayeachtimeIaskhowyouare
I’msorrythatI’vebeencalling
Andaskingaboutyourmom
I’vejustbeenwonderinghowsheis
I’msorryaboutyourdog
Iknowyoulovedhimalot
Iknowit’snoneofmybusiness
Allthethingsthatarehappening
Inyourlife
ButIstillcare
IjustwanttotellyouIstillloveyou
Butyou’lljustreplywith
“That’snotfair.”
Ifeltlikeabookthatyouhadmarkedwithallyourfavoritepages.Ourlovewasastorythatknewnoboundaries.Butyoulostthebookandunmarkedallthepages,andnowI’mmissingourstory.
I’mtiredofallthetexting
Ofallthelate-nightcalls
I’mtiredoftheconstant
Wanting
Andtimefeelinglikewalls
Ineedyourbreathonmyskin
Yourbodyasleepnexttomine
Ican’tkeeppretendingIdon’tmissyou
AndthatI’mfine
Iseehomeinyoureyes
Buthomeissofaraway
Imissthewayyouletyourhairdown
Howitfelloveryourshoulders
Itremindedmeofthewaylightspills
Fromthemoon
I’mrunningeverylight
chasingafteryou
I’mwatchingeverysunrise
butthey’renotasbeautifulasyou
Iknowwe’reonlyyoung
butIwantyoutobemine
Myheartisindisguise
alltheselostdreamsandlies
BecauseIjustwantyoutofeel
thewayIdoaboutyou
Wehadskippedschooltositonthehoodofyourcaranddrinkcherrycola.Wewerelisteningtomusic,thesamesongswedancedtoatthepartiesthrownwhenparentsweren’thome.Wetalkedaboutgettingolder,aboutcollegeandallthedreamswehad,ifwe’deatmorepizzaandliveinaworldthatmadeusfeellessalone.Youwentquietforawhile,asyoulookedoutattheview.Andthenyousaid,“Ihopeinfiveyears,Istillknowyou.”Nowit’sfiveyearslater,andIhaven’tseenyouinmonths.HowImissthatcherrycola,andallthedreamswehad.
WhenIthinkabouttime,Ithinkofhowquicklyitpasses.IthinkofallthethingswecouldhavedonewithourtimeandallthedaysandweeksIwasyoursandyouweremine.ThefirsttimeImetyou,wewereonlyneighbors,andIknowmymemoryisalittlefaded,butfromthatmomentmyloveforyouhasneverwavered.Timehasmovedonsincethatmemory,andwehaveallthesenewonestoshare.Someofthemarebeautiful,someareugly,somedon’tevenseemfair.Ithinkaboutallourtrials,ourroadtrips,festivals,andthenightsspenttalkingaboutourfuture.Somewherealongthewaywelostourselvesandlosteachother.Tobewithoutyouisanache,afeelingofseeingyouinallthingsandeverycolor.Iknowwehaveourownjourneys,ourdemonstofight,butIwantedyoutoknowIthinkofyouandusalmosteverynight.Evenifweareapart,IgrowforyouandIknowthatyougrowformetoo.BecauseintheendIknowthatyouarethemostbeautifulgirlIhaveeverseen,andallIwantforusistobetogetheragain.
Iwearyoursweaterswhenyou’reatworkalldaybecausetheysmelllikeyou.Andwhenyoucomehomeandcannotfindthemit’sbecauseIamhidingthem.AlwaysafraidIwon’thaveanothertowearwhenImissyou.
Theexactmoment,Icouldn’tbesure
whenwewentfromfriendstosomethingmore
JustlikeIcouldn’ttellyou
themomentitallfellapart
andyouleftthisabsenceinmyheart
Yousaidmyarmswerethewallstoyourhome
SowhywhenIaskyoutocomehome
Youdon’t?
Thedistancewillcloseoneday
Therewillbenomoreinterferenceonthephone
nomorewakingupatyournoon
nomoresittingonmybalconywishingIhadyou
tosharethebeautyofthemoon
Youwon’tbethere
andIwon’tbehere
We’llbetogether
Nothingmakesmehappierthanthearrivalgate
andnothingmakesmesadderthanthedeparturegate
Distanceoftengivesyouareasontoloveharder
Theoddsareagainstus
stackedallthewaytothesky
Ourfriendstellustoletgo
butwecan’tandwebothknow
Why
We’reinlove
evenwiththemilesbetweenus
Butthewayyoumakemefeel
makesitenough
Shedrovesixteenhoursjustforakiss
Becauseherlipswerewhatshehadmissed
WhenweweresixteenIwouldcometoyourwindowandthrowsmallstonesuntilyouopenedthecurtains.Iwouldclimbupthethatchandintoyourroomandwewouldtalkaboutallwewantedtobe.WegrewolderandwenttocollegeandIwasstillthrowingstonesandclimbingthroughyourwindow.UntilthedayIaskedyoutomarrymeandyousaidyes.AndIdon’tknowhowwewentfrombeinginlovetostrangers,buttonightIstoodoutonthestreetandwatchedtheguestsarrivetothewedding.Butitwasn’tourwedding.Becausesomewherethroughtheyears,Ihadstoppedthrowingstones.
It’salways
seeyouinamonth
or
seeyouinfivedays
Ican’twaituntilIcansay
seeyoutonight
Rememberalltheplanswemade?
WasInaivetothinkwe’dgetthatfar?
Betenderwithyourforever
Thedistanceisbearablemostdays.Whatwithbeingabletocallyou,textyoupicturesthroughoutmyday.Wecanstayuplateonvideocall,Icanseeyourfaceandsmile,wecanplanvisitsinbetweenclassesandmakeplayliststolastawhile.Butthemomentitbecomestoohardiswhenyou’resadandIcan’tholdyou.
Howtoexplain
theacheIfeelforyou
thecravingforyourtouch
thewayImissyou
It’sinthemomentsyouwanttoturntothemandsharegoodorbadnewsthatyourealizehowmuchofaholeisinyourheartwhentheyaren’twithyou.Allyouwantisforthepersonyoulovemosttobebyyourside.
Onedayourliveswon’tbefilledwithboardingpassesandweeklongvisits.InsteadI’llwakeupinourapartmentandyou’llbeinthekitchen,sittingatthecounterdrinkingcoffee,stillwearingmyt-shirtfromthenightbefore.
Wecantalkonthephoneforhours,burningthroughconversationsthewaycometsdointheatmosphere.IwishyouknewhowmuchImissyouwhenyou’renothere.Thelongingfeelslikeitsownuniverse.
OnedayIwon’thavetopackmybagsinyourroom
andwatchyoucry
wonderingwhenwe’llseeeachotheragain
Therearenightswheneverygoodnightfeelslikegoodbye
AllIwant
istobeabletobethere
whenyousayyouneedme
Iwouldchooseyouoversleepingin
Iwouldchoosecallingyouovergoingout
Iwouldchooseyourheart
Evenbeforewe’vehadthechancetobegin
Thereissuchbeautyinpatience
asthereispain
Butflowerssurvive
evenintherain
Thereisgreatfreedominonlyhavingyourself.Nothavingtoworryaboutsupportinganyoneelse,nothavingtothinkormakechoiceswithanyoneelseinmind.Butthereisstillanache,somedaysdullerthanothers,somedaysnotfeltuntiltheearlyhours.Itwillgraspatyouwhenyouthinkaboutanachievementandreceivinganawardandyouwantsomeonetobeinthecornerbeamingwithpride.Youthinkaboutitovercoffee,whennooneislookingatyouinsteadofdrinkingtheirs.Inthemiddleofthenightwhenit’scoldandnooneistherebreathinggentlybesideyou.Whenyoucomehomeandthehouseisempty,andevenifit’speacefulandquiet,youwouldliketoshareyourthoughtswithsomeoneastheysetdinneronthetable.Thefreedomtobelongtoyourselfisbeautiful,butit’salsobeautifultolookatsomeoneelseandknowtheirfavoritemomentofthedayiswhenyouwalkintotheroom.
Ifyourheartishappy
Appreciatehappiness,asitdoesn’toftenstay.Butitlivesthroughyoursmile,yourlaugh,yourdeepbreathsofrelief.
OurfirstrealconversationwasonaFerriswheel.Irememberbecauseyouwereafraidofheightsbutstillcameonwithmeanyway.Icouldtellyouwerenervousevenasthecarnivallightsweredancingaroundus.Itoldyouwewouldonlygoaroundacoupleoftimes,butyousaiditwasokayandthatyouwantedtostay.Irememberaskingwhatyouwantedinlifeanditwasn’tweirdtobeaskingyouthat.IrememberyoulistedallthethingsIwantedtoo,withthelastbeinghappiness.AndIfeltthenightairasitrusheddownmyback,wonderinghowIcouldpossiblyaskyoutostaywhenwewereonlynew.Butyoujustlookedatmeandsaid,“IknowIcanbehappywithyou.”
Asitrainedoutside,IlistenedtothepatteronthewindowpaneandIwatchedastworaindropschasedeachotheracrosstheglass.Anditremindedmeofyou,howIwouldfollowyouthrougheveryseason.Howwearestillus,evenifthedaysdon’talwaysstaythesame.HowIamhappywithyou,evenintherain.
Don’twasteyourtimewithpeoplewhobringyoudown.Bitternessisadiseasethatgetsthebetterofmostpeople,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouneedtotolerateit.Youhaveflawsjustlikeanybodyelse.Embracethem,liveforthem.Thereisonlyoneyou.Forgivenessishappiness.Theywalkhandinhand.Youdon’thavetoforgiveeveryoneinyourlife.Butyoudohavetoforgiveyourself.
Everytime.
Myhappiestmemoriesareallofyou
Ifyouleave
WhatamIsupposedtodo?
Tellme,Iwanttoknow
Tellmeaboutthemomentsthatmadeyourhandsshake,tellmeaboutyourfirstkissandthepersonwhomadeyourheartbreak.Tellmewhatyoulovetodoinyoursparetime,tellmeaboutalltheplacesyouwanttosee,aboutyourfavoritebooks,songs,andflavorsoftea.Tellmethethingthatscaresyoumost,tellmethemomentyoudecidedwhoyouare.Tellmethecolorsthatmakeyoudizzy,tellmealltheconstellationsyouknow.Tellmethethingsyouhopefor,thewishesyouplaceonstars,tellmethecandythatyoulike,theflowersthatmakeyousigh.Tellmewhatmakesyoubreathe,tellmeandI’llneversaygoodbye.
Darling,Iamsorry
Ican’tactlikeIdon’tcare
becauseIdo
Andyoursmile
iswhatIthinkabout
everytime
Iclosemyeyes
Icouldspendhourstalkingtoyouanditonlyfeelslikeahandfulofmoments.AndIknowthatlifecanbedifficultandchallengesgetintheway,butwithyou,lifefeelseffortless.Itfeelslikethestruggleisworthit.Justtoseeyouattheendoftheday.WhenIamwithyou,thesadnessgoesaway.
Thereisn’tadeadlineonyourbody
Firstsarestillimportant;onlydowhatyoufeelcomfortablewith
That’shappiness,whenyoumakesomeonefeelsafe.Youaretheirperson.Youarethereasontheycantalkabouttheirdeepestsecrets.Andinaworldofconstantshaming,youaretheonewhomakesthemfeelbravetobethemselves.
Youneedtokeepmovingforward.Youcannotgetaheadifyourefusetomove.
Allthingsservetheirpurposeandthenleave,evenhappiness.Wespendourliveswantingtobehappy,andthenwhenitarrives,wearescaredtoloseit.Butifyouhavetolethappinessgo,itdoesn’tmeansomethingelsewon’tcomealong.Inlife,therearemanythingsthathavepurpose,evenifsometimeswedon’trealizeit.
MorningThoughts
Whenyouwakeinthemorningandyoucheckyourphone,Iknowyou’rehopingforagood-morningtext.They’reonyourmindrightnow.
Whatmakesyouhappy?Climbingbookshelves,rosesabouttobloom,organizingyourdeskdrawersandcleaningyourroom.Thewindinyourhairasyourideyourbike,playingtheradioloud.Sippingmojitosinthelate-nightdusk,risingandfallingonthechestofsomeoneyoulove.Swimminginthelakewithnoschooluntilnextweek.Achievingyourdreams,beingwithyourfriends,dancingoutsideinasnow-filledstreet.Drinkingcoffeeandwatchingmovies,writinginjournalsandwaitingfortheweekend.Thethingsthatmakeyouhappyareimportant.Iftheymakeyousmileandthestressfeelslighter,thenyoudeservetoenjoythem.Dowhatmakesyouhappy.
Butyouneedtostopgettingsoworkedupaboutthingsthatwon’tmatterayearfromnow.Itisrelevanttoday,yes,butonedayitwon’tbe.
Stoppunishingyourselfforthingsthatwilleventuallypass.
Happinessiscominghometoafreshlymadebed.Toahousefullofscentedcandles,aglassofwineafterthedailystruggle.It’swalkinginthedoorandhearingthewords,“Iloveyou.”It’ssittingoppositeherinyourfavoriterestaurantandhearing,
“I’llsupportyouineverythingyoudo.”
Youwakeupthreemorningsinarow
andyoutellyourselfyouarenotgoingtomakeit
Butyouwill
Youwill
Youcannotbuyhappiness.Youcannotboilitdowntoafewchoicewordsandbottleitaway.Happinessisgrownfromaseed,toaflower,toaforest.Trustyourabilitytowaterthisseed.Trustthekindnessofothersandthehelpfromthoseyouholddearest.
Thereisjustsomethingaboutearlymornings.Awakewhileeverybodyelseisstillasleep.Anditfeelslikeyouhaveforgottenthepullofeverydaylifeandyouarejustachildagain,carefree,blowingdandelionsinthewind.
Happinessisn’tarush
Youdon’thavetokeepupwithanyone
Justkeepupwithyourself
Thatwilldo
Theenergyyouputintotheworldisn’talwaysthesameenergyyouwillreceive.Youcouldbeaballoflightandstillbemetwithpeoplewhotrytolockyouinthedark.Whatisimportantistheenergyyoukeepforyourself.Keepthelightburning.
Tobehappyisn’talwaystobewithothers.Someoflife’sgreatestthinkingisdonewhilewearealone.Otherpeoplecan’tlearntobreatheagainforyou.Otherpeoplecan’tfeelorseeorhearthingsinthewayyoudo.Sometimesbeinghappyissteppingawayfromthethingsyouknow.It’sbreathinginandoutandwatchingyoursoulgrow.
Rushingwon’thelpyouinstandstilltrafficanymorethanthinkingyouneedtobesomebodyelsewill.Youhaveyourwholelifeaheadofyou,nomatterwhatageyouare.Fillitwiththingsthatmakeyougetupinthemorning.Fillitwithpeoplewhosupportwhoyouwanttobe.
Thesundoesnotholdallyourbrokenpieces.
Itjustofferswarmth,asyoudo.
Youcanbehappyandstilllearntoheal.
Youarenotemotionalortoosoft.Therearethingsinlifethatwilltrytoturnyourhearttostone.Theywillleaveyoubruisedandangry,withfeelingsyouhaveneverknown.Buttobepatient,tofeelwarmthwhenpeopleturncold,isbothbraveandradiant.
Peopleliketotalkabouttheirpassions.Theyliketotellyouaboutthethingsthatmakethemhappy.Andyoucanseetheswitch,thelightthatpoursoutofthemwhentheyarespeakingofthethingstheylove.Listentosomeonewhentheyaretalking.Don’tshutthemdownortellthemthattheirpassionsdon’tmatter.It’sthesimplestwaytoruinanotherhumanbeing.
Inyourquesttobeunderstood,don’tforgettoshowhumility
don’tloseyourabilitytobeunderstanding
Somechaptersdon’thavehappyendings.Butyoureadonanyway,andIthinkthat’sthepoint.Nottobehappyallthetimebuttoknowthesunalwayscomesbackaround.
Aftereverything,yourheartisstillbeatingandyourmindisatpeace.Youpushedawayyourdemonsandyoufoughtbackfromtheshadows.Youfoundhappinessevenatallyourcrossroads.
Peoplegrowapart.Distancedoesn’talwaysmeanmiles.Sometimesitmeanstwofriendsgoingseparateways.Thepersonyoupouredyourheartoutto,traveledthroughnewcitieswith,calledatthreeinthemorningjusttogeticecream,suddenlybecomessomeonewhocan’teventextyouback.So,youstarttowonderwhathappenedandwhereitallwentwrong.Howcanthispersonwhowasonceyourlifelinenowbeastrangerwhoholdsallyourmemories?Butpeoplechangeandbecomecaughtupintheirownlives.Theymaynotevenrealizetheyaredoingit.Sometimesfriendsdisappearandwedon’tknowwhy.Butyoudon’tdeservetobeignored.Thethingsyouhavetosayareimportant;youshouldneverallowsomeonetomakeyoufeelasthoughtheyaren’t.Youshouldnevertoleratesomeonewhocan’tacknowledgethenewsyouhavetoshare.Youdon’tneedthisinyourlife.Letgoofpeoplewhodon’tmakeyouhappy.
Youcan’tskipchapters,that’snothowlifeworks.Youhavetoreadeveryline,meeteverycharacter.Youwon’tenjoyallofit.Hell,somechapterswillmakeyoucryforweeks.Youwillreadthingsyoudon’twanttoread,youwillhavemomentswhenyoudon’twantthepagestoend.Butyouhavetokeepgoing.Storieskeeptheworldrevolving.Liveyours,don’tmissout.
Makelistswhenhappinessfeelsfaraway
Thinkoftheskyturningorangeafterahotsummer’sday
ofleavesinthefall
ofovergrownsweatshirtsandpaintingsonbrickwalls
Thinkofhotchocolateinwinter
Thinkofmusicandlyinginthegrass
andthingsthatmakeyourheartbeatfast
Thinkofthesethings
asyougoaboutyourday
Happinessisneverreallythatfaraway
Happinesswon’talwaysbearound.Therewillbedayswhenitfeelshiddenandnowheretobefound.Butyoursmilekeepsthehappinessalive,andyourlaughtoo.Thereisnothingmoreimportantthantakingcareofyou.
Sometimeswefallinlovewithsomeone’spotential.Weignoretheirbehaviorbecausewebelievetheycanbebetter.Butapersondoesn’tchangeunlesstheywantto.Yourhappinessismoreimportantthanhangingontosomeoneelse’spotential.
Whenwearehappy,weareafraiditwillbetakenaway.Thatwewillwakeuponedayandthepersonormomentsthatmadeussohappywilldisappear.Wehavespentsolongwantingthishappinessthatwhenitarrives,westruggletoenjoyitoutoffearitwillleave.Buthappinesscomesandgoeslikecloudsandrainandsteamboatsonlongrivers.Itwashesontothesandandwashesback.Tofindhappinessistonavigatethroughaworldthatsometimesseemscolorless.Happinessisagift.Enjoyitwhileit’shere.
Youtaughtmenottodwellsomuchonwhatwas,nottothinksomuchaboutwhatwillbe,butratherlivefortodaywithyou.Countingeachdayasagift,happytobeinlove,happytojustbe.
Itcantakeweeksoryearsforbrokenbonestoheal,andsomesaythey’veknownheartstobebrokenfordecades.Butwhatisbrokenismerelycracked.Youforgettofillthecrackswithlight.Letthehappinessbackintoyourbloodstream.
Youdeservetobecaredabout
Youdeservetobehappy
Youdeservetobefree
Youdeservetoradiatepositiveenergy
Therearejustsomethingsnotmeantforyou
butthatdoesn’tmeanyouwon’tbehappy
Intheendourfootstepsalwaysleadus
tothethingswearemeanttodo
Theworldwon’talwaysloveyouforwhoyouare.Therearetoomanybodieshere.Toomanyperceptionsofwhatisandisn’tbeautiful.Sohereweare,withmostofusuncomfortableinourownskin,wishingtobesomeonedifferent.Thinkinghappinessonlyhappensifyoufitin.Whattodowhentheworldwantsyoutobeprettier,skinnier,curvier,orhavelighterordarkerskin.Youdeclareyourownuniverse,brightandalivewithinyourveins.Youarethekingorthequeen,theonewhomakestherulesandignoreseveryonewhocannotseejusthowbrilliantyouare,madefromatomsbrighterthanstars.
Theseareforyourheart
me
her
andourhearts
Whensomeonesays
metoo
andyourealizeyouarenotalone
Thatthethingsyouhavefelt
havebeenfeltbefore
andtheywillbefeltagain
Youache,youdoubt,youquestion,youcry
Youlaugh,youlove,andhavefaithinthesky
metoo
Yourpatiencewillbetested.Youwillgetfrustrated;somedayswillhurtmorethanothers.Butyouneedtomoveonfromwhathasalreadyhappened,appreciatethethingsstillaroundyou,andembracethethingsthatareyettocome.
Youareatreeandeachleafisathought,
awordtodescribehowyouarefeeling.
Buttherearetoomanyleavesandfallhas
comeandgone.Soyoustandlookingtothe
skyandaskingwhyyoumustfeelsomuch.
Butifyoulookaround,youwillfindthereare
manyothertreeswithmanymoreleaves.
Youmustletgooftheacheandplaceagentle
handonyourheavyheart.Takeprideinhowmuch
you’vegrown,andjustrememberyouarenotalone.
Wewereyoungandtheonlythingwelistenedtowasthesoundofourheartsracing
Iwishforyou
thethingsIwishformyself
Love,strength,andgoodhealth
Allthingsinlifebeginwitheffort.Youarenotgoingtowineverymoment,butyoumuststillapplythesameeffort.Dothisforyourself.
Notallgoodpeopleendupwithgoodpeople.
Youcantakeyourtime,considerallyourchoiceswithlogic,andalwaysdoyourbest.Butstillyourheartcanbebroken.
Yetgoodpeopledosurvive.
Theyarealwayssurviving.
Knowingwhatmakesushappyisimportant.Butsoisknowingwhatmakesussad,angry,andanxious.Knowinghowtofeelismorethandistinguishingbetweenemotions.It’salsoknowingwhensomeonemakesyoufeellikeamountaininsteadofmeredustandsoil.
Youarelookingforevidencetoprovethattheydon’tloveyou,whenthereisallthisevidencethatprovestheydo.Whentheyhangyoursweaterintheclosetafteryoucomehomefromwork,whentheyleaveyounotesonthekitchencountertohaveagoodday,whenyoudon’tfeellikecookingsotheyorderpizza.
Someonedoesn’thavetosay“Iloveyou”forittobetrue.
Ihopeyoufindsomeonewholovesyousofiercelyyouwon’tfeeltheneedtocoveryourfacethemorningafter,afraidforthemtoseeyoubareandnaked.
Responsibilitycanfeelheavyandgrowinguptoo
Somemomentsfeellikenobodyunderstandsyou
Whatyouaregoingthrough
Whototrust
Whoyouwanttobe
Butintheend,allthingscometogether
you’llsee
Allthingsaside
Myheartbeatsforyou
Doesyoursbeatforminetoo?
Thereareasmanydayshopeistobelostasitistobegained.Onthedaysthatyoucannotfeelthishope,itdoesn’tmeanit’snotthere.
Yourheartisheretogrow
wateritwithlove
letthelightin
Rememberyourheart
isaworldbeating
beneathyourskin
Weallloseourway,
Wetakepathsweneverintendedto
Weleaveourheartsmessy
andsometimesweleavethemess
inotherpeople’sheartstoo
Butwherethereishope
thereisaheartthatbeats
Pleasedon’tgiveuponyourself
Givemeyourheart
Iwillguarditasmyown
Andgiveitahome
Youarenotdefined
bythescarsonyourheart
Letthemenrichyou
learnfromthem
Tellothers“Thesearemyscars
andIamlearningtoembracethem”
Ifyouliketodreamorthinkorwearyourheartonyoursleeve,thendothat.Peopleliketotearothersdownwhentheyarehappy,andmoresowhenthey’resuccessful.They’lltrytofindfaultsbecausetheycan’tbelievethesamesuccessisn’thappeningtothem.
Youcanbreakyourownheart
butyoucanalsohealit
Icouldgiveyouamillionreasonswhyit’simportanttokeepyourheartopen,butwe’dbehereforhours.Icouldtellyouafterthedarknessthesunalwaysrises,butyouknowthisalready.Everybattlebecomesanotherstory,everyscarbecomespartofyourjourney.Yourheartisyourgreatestweaponagainstturninghard.Keepyourheartsoft,lovewithoutapology.
Whenthefieldsgrow
Myheartswells
Yoursforalways,justyou
Youcanbuildhappiness.Youplantaseedinyourheartandletitgrow.Letthehappinessspreadintoyourarmssowhenyouholdotherstheyfeelit.Letitspreadintoyourlegssowhenyouwalkpeopleseeitinyourstep.Keepbuildingdaybyday,untilyouhaveanentireempire.
Whatwillmakeitbettersheasked
Anewday
Whethertheystayorgo
yourheartneedstoknow
youarestrongerforsayingno
Eachsmallvictoryisworthcelebrating
Theraincloudsreturntothesky,asdoesthesun,themoon,andthestars.Yourheartisallowedtocryasmuchasitistolaugh.Feelwhatmakesyourpulseraceintheearlyhours.Goodiscomingyourwaysoon.
Ithinkyoushouldknow
Allthelovethatsurroundsyou
Everywhereyougo
Yourheartdeservestotakechances,dabbleinrisk.Itdeservestoventureoutintotheworldandexplorewhatitdoesanddoesn’tlove.Itdeservestobefollowed.
Therearepeopleouttheretellingyoutobemorethanbeautiful.Asifbeingbeautifuldoesn’tcarryitsownmagic.Beautyisdefinedasyouseefit.Ifbeingintelligent,funny,wild,adventurous,andhonestisyourdefinitionofbeautiful,thenbebeautiful.
Lostloveisn’ttheworstthingyoucangothroughinlife.Evenifinthemomentyoufeelasthoughnavigatingthestormisimpossible.Theworstthinginlifeisrefusingtoevolvefromthehurt.Yourheartcan’tgrowwithoutyou.Itneedsyouinitscorner.
Inourribcageliesourheart
Protected
Butpeoplecanreachinside
andcausechaos
Whenthishappens
remindyourself
Youarenotaburden
Youcan’tforceyourhearttofeelacertainway.Butyoucanrespectpeople.Youcanbegentlewhenlettingsomeonego.
Myskinfeltrawunderyourtouch
Asthoughmyloveforyou
wasfartoomuch
Whereverthislifetakesus,youwillbemygreatestmemory.Irememberthewayyouhaveyourcoffeeandwhatyoulooklikeinmyt-shirts.Irememberwakinguptothesoundofyourfootstepsdownstairsandfallingasleepinyourarms.Irememberthewayyousmell,howyoudressforspecialoccasions,yourfavoritecolor,thewallhanginginyourbedroomcoveredinfairylights.Irememberthecurveofyourbackandyourhandwriting,howhardyouworkforyourdreams.Everymemorynowsharedwithmine.I’llrememberyouforever.
Somepeopledon’tdeserveyourlove.Theywilltakeyouforgranted,tossyouasidewhenitseemseasiertobeselfish.Youneedtobestrongeverytimetheycomeknocking.Don’topenthedoor.
Peoplewilltellyouthatthematerialthingsgiventoyouholdnovalueoverhowyourheartfeels.Butsometimespossessionsholdworth,notforthevaluebutforthememories.Thesmallstuffedbearyourgrandfathergaveyoubeforehepassed,thenecklaceleftbyyourmotherthedayshewalkedout,thesweateryouroldloveleftbehind.Allthingshavememories,storiesofwheretheyhavecomefrom,andtheyallaffecttheheart.
Youcanbepassionateanddeterminedanditwillstillnotbeenough.Youwillfindaroadblockoneverycorner,aforcepullingyoubackwardinsteadofforward.Youwillwonderwhysomeoneaspassionateasyouisgoingnowhere.Butyouaregoingsomewhere.Everysetbackispartofthejourney.Thejoyofprobabilityisthateventuallysomethingwillgive.Yourdeterminationkeepsyouinthegame.
SometimesIfallasleepandIamstillhalfawake,watchingmyselfdream.Inthesemoments,IammorethanIeverthoughtIcouldbe.Iammorethanadream,morethanthemoon.Iamtheuniverse,andeverypossibilitybelongstome.
Thankyouforreadingthisbook.
IhopeyouenjoyedreadingitasmuchasIenjoyedwritingit.
YoucanviewmoreofmyworkonTwitter@CourtPeppernellandInstagram@Courtneypeppernell
PillowThoughtsII
copyright©2018byCourtneyPeppernell.Allrightsreserved.Nopartofthisbookmaybeusedorreproducedinanymannerwhatsoeverwithoutwrittenpermissionexceptinthecaseofreprintsinthe
contextofreviews.
AndrewsMcMeelPublishing
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ISBN:978-1-4494-9725-5
LibraryofCongressControlNumber:2018934779
IllustrationsbyRyanGerber
Editor:PattyRice
Designer,ArtDirector:DianeMarsh
ProductionEditor:DaveShaw
ProductionManager:CliffKoehler
DigitalProduction:KristenMinter
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