A Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy Gourmet

7/28/2019 A Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy Gourmet

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A Hitchhikers GuideGalaxy Gourmetto


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Christina Daley


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A Hitchhikers Guide to Galaxy Gourmet

First published in Great Britain in 2013 by

CreativeCookie Press

CreativeCookie Ltd, Lincoln, England

Copyright Christina Daley 2013

The right of Christina Daley to be identified as

the author of this work has been asserted by

her in accordance with the Copyright, Designand Patents Act of 1988

All rights reserved

ISBN 0-06-083520-2

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank PDA Artwork for the

images included.


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Scab Sarnie 2

Mud Float 5

Slug Spaghetti 9

and Bogie Bolognaise

Slobber Salad 14

Show Sole Bacon Baguette 18

Booger Burger 22

Rinsed Raisin Yoghurt 26


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I didnt find school too fun, like I imagine you

dont either. Too many rules, squashed stuffy

classrooms and worst of all school dinners. Inever want to see dry mushy peas and sour

mash potato ever again in my entire life!

Thats why when I finished school I wanted to

escape as far away as I could. I thought theremust be better food somewhere out there and it

became my quest to find interesting dishes.

I hopped on the next space rocket out from

Heathrow, Earth and became a hitchhiker of the

galaxy!

After years of searching I believe I have found a

few delicious gems and its my pleasure to sharea handful of these with you.

I hope you find them as tasty as I did!


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I discovered scab sarnies during a rock

climbing trip on Mercury when our sandwich

fillings melted. Stuck on a mountain, the only

thing we had to substitute was our scabs from

the first few falls of the week. The intense sun

had already fried them through our suntan

lotion, creating an extra crisp and tangy

flavour.


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Knife (doesnt need to be sharp)

Around a cup full of scabs, the crustiest youcan find.

Two slices of bread.Butter.Any other toppings you may wish to add.

The preparation of the scabs all depends on

how accident prone you or your family are.

Its a good idea to keep a jar in

your kitchen where you or anyone in the housecan add scabs, so you will always have a full

stock.


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Butter the bread and add any other fillings. Sprinkle your scabs over the butter. Place the other bread slice on top and

crunch away! Simples!

If you wish for an even crispier crunch,

ask an adult to simply pop the scabs into afrying pan for a minute or two.

- A dash of eye-goo mayo always adds anextra tanginess to scab sarnies.

- Or throw in a few fried fingernails andenjoy with a head-lice garnished snot salad.

Experiment with the fillings and base until you

find your favourite combo. Phlegm flat bread

with snot makes a smoother, runny taste. Or

mouldy bogie buns work fantastically.


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I first gulped down a Mud float somewhere

between the port of Snarftu and Biesclof in

Jupiters cloud-like sea of gas. Unfortunately

the S.S Tranoc, upon which I had stowed away,

was overthrown by ferocious pirates. Luckily

Jupiter pirates do not tend to make prisoners

walk the plank, as there are no sharks to eat

them. Instead we were abandoned on a deserted

island with only a single bottle of water to fight

over.

After a few hours of running around lookinglike a headless chicken, I realised that the crew

had built comfy sun loungers from histropalm

tree trunks and were drinking from pocomuts

shells. Apparently, this was quite a common

occurrence and the sailors treated it like a

holiday. It was actually quite fabulous; we spent

the next ten or so days lounging around

drinking mud shakes made of frozen clumps of

gritty dust scooped from the gassy sea


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A tall glass wide enough to hold your mudball, preferably one with a lid. Although if you

do not own one, cling film should work fine.


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Enough mud for a generous scoop in eachfloat you wish to make.

Enough spit to fill the remainder of your mug.A handful of garden grit and dirt.

It will take a few hours for the mud balls to

freeze. Therefore it may be worth keeping a

few in the freezer ready for when you would

next like a float.

Roll and squish your mud into a ball shapeand freeze until solid.

Drop the mud ball into a tall glass, then addyour grit and dirt and fill the remaining

space with spit.

Cover well and shake until your float isbubbly and frothy.


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Add a straw and a slice of lemon to the rimof the glass for the posh touch - Guzzle

down!

- Mud floats go down great with a scab sarnieor slobber salad on a hot summersafternoon.

- Add a layer of ants to your Mud float for thatextra crunchy taste to accompany the dirt.

If spits not really your favourite then swap it

for old bath water, or even the water your

Grandma soaks her false-teeth in.

Both are extremely easy to collect and really

add a tangy zing to the flavour.


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I had been exploring Pluto and its moons with a

friend, Sasaranoira, a Hortaargian from Venus,

when Plutos planet status was removed.

Plutonians were furious with the rest of the

galaxy and all spaceships were grounded. Wehid on the small moon Hydra in a farmers barn

alongside shamoos (Plutonian farm animals that

look like a cross between a green pig and an

orange cow, though smell a thousand times

worse than both put together!)

I wish I could say it was an adventure but I

would be lying. It was duller than a double

session of math in truth. We spent most days

either sitting as far away from the shamoos as

possible or fighting with Siestrills (Plutos

vicious version of mice) for territory of a few

extra inches in the barn.

At night we would try to catch animals to eat

from the farmers ponds. We captured three


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types, though it took us a few weeks and a few

upset tummies to realise that tingasoos fish and

sinktraos frogs are highly poisonous. So wewere forced to live on norsaru eels. Fortunately

Sasaranoira knew the perfect recipe.

Unfortunately norsarus are natural to Hydra

only. Unless you are extremely rich and can

order them in, it may be easier to substitute the

eels for slugs, which hold the same slimy

squidginess and chubby width.


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The bogie bolognaise is the human version of

Sasaranoiras lastronia sauce that we ate. It is a

slimy goo with clogged lumps that oozes fromHortaargians tisras, a round bump on their

chin through which they both smell and taste.

Large ladleLarge pan (and an extra pan with a lid if youd

like warmed slugs)

A bowlful of slugs and a cupful of bogies in snot

for each person.

It may be easier to wait for a rainy day to bringout the slugs. For the wet slimy bogies closest to

Sasaranoiras lastronia, wait until youve had a

cold or runny nose (possibly from collecting

slugs in the rain!)


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Warm the snot for 2-3 minutes in a largepan over a medium heat.

Using a ladle lower the bogies into the sauceslowly, reduce the heat to a simmer and stir

continuously for 2 minutes.

Make sure not to burn the bogie mince

as this will cause the slimy exteriors to crisp.

If you would like to nom your slugs warm, all

you need to do is ask an adult to:

Boil a pan of water (add scrapings fromunder your fingernails for flavouring if

desired). Lower the slugs in and return to

boil.

Always use a lid, or else the slugs may

escape and wriggle away.


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Simmer for 10 minutes, or until the slugs areentirely squidgy soft.

Drain and serve immediately. Layer thebogie bolognaise on top and tuck in!

- Try crushed beetle garlic bread for a tastyside.

You could swap the slugs to worms for a

slurpier meal.


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It was on Neptune that I first tasted a slobber

salad. I had been staying in a village of

extremely short Neptunian Moriarns whose

houses were built on stilts. I found the reason

for this to be the yearly attack of the giant

Arstituous. Being the size of houses themselves

and producing more slobber than any animal

on Earth, the Arstituous are quite frightening

and disgusting monsters. Thankfully as theyre

not too bright, the stilts usually keep them from

causing any harm to the Moriarns village.Once their attack passes the Moriarns celebrate

by sending down buckets to scoop up the

Arstituous slobber and covering themselves in

it. They then eat it daily, believing it will

eventually make them grow as big as the

Arstituous.


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Large handkerchiefSharp knifeBowl

Salad, any of your choice.At least a bowlful of slobber. The frothier, the

better.

This salad requires quite a large amount of

slobber. It may be worth collecting some from

your dog, or a neighbours, whenever you have

spare time and then freezing it in preparation.

Always ask for your neighbours

permission first.


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As the salad needs to really soak

up the slobber taste, it is best to leave the filled

handkerchief in the fridge for as long aspossible.

Wrap the salad you wish to use in the hankyand place in the bowl of slobber.

If you do not use a hanky the taste of

slobber may overpower the salad.

Using your hands fully squidge the saladhanky down into the slobber bowl.

Place the bowl in the fridge for a few hoursor overnight if possible.

Remove the salad and ask an adult to chopthe larger vegetables into bite sizes.

Squeeze any excess slobber over the saladand then lay the hanky on a plate.

Serve the salad upon the hanky for extraflavouring and smell - and munch away!


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- If your taste buds still scream for more, tryusing rotten salad.

- If anyone in your house has been sickrecently you could also keep the chunks and

blend them in with your vegetables.

- Mixing used kitty litter with croutons makesfor an extra crunchy salad side dish.

If you do not know anyone with a slobbery dog

you could always use slimy snot for a healthygreen slimy salad.


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I had been hiking for close to nine days on

Venus in sweltering heat and with only the

smallest rations of food and water. I dont know

if it was this combination or a pang of home

sickness but suddenly I was seeing bacon

everywhere. My tent was bacon, all trees and

rocks I passed looked like sizzling bacon. Even

my own fingers appeared to be tiny bacon

slices. Everythingwas bacon!

As I sat sucking my finger on the third day of

bacon fever I could take it no longer. I decidedmy shoe soles would be the best thing to eat, as

they are at least the closest to bacon in shape. I

fried them on a rock under a magnifying glass.

It took two hours for each sole, but it sure was

worth it!

Although I fried my shoe soles, Im sure your

parents will not want to buy a new pair every


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time you have a sandwich. Shoe insoles will

work just as well.

Frying pan

At least one pair of old shoe insoles. A crusty baguette roll.Butter.Half a bowlful of spit.

The level of tanginess grows with the amount

the shoes have been worn.

Use insoles from your least worn shoes for a

subtle flavour, up to sports shoe insoles for a

sarnie with a powerful punch.


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Always replace with new insoles,

in preparation for another sandwich.

Soak the insoles in spit for a few moments. Not only does it add flavour but also

helps to stop them from sticking to the pan.

Ask an adult to lower the insoles into the panslowly and cook over a high heat for 2-3

minutes, depending on how crispy you like

your insoles.

Butter the baguette while youre waiting. Remove the insoles from the pan carefully,

place straight on the baguette and wolf

down!

- A little bit of sandy grit worked perfectlywith my sarnies.

- Or try a classic mushroom, tomatoes anddogs nail clippings combo.


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If this snack doesnt quite stand up to your

extreme taste buds use a mouldy baguette for

extra flavour.

You could also try either collecting things that

have already dried out in the sun or frying a

handful of bugs that may have collected andpartially frazzled on your windowsill.

If you have access to a pond I

highly suggest using sludge over spit. Soaking

the insoles in pond sludge will give them anextra scrummy taste.


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Booger burgers are chowed down on Mars for

almost every meal and at every occasion.

The Sztarps of Mars live on red-hot beaches

and stroll around pouting and posing, just like

the stars in Hollywood on Earth. Though with

one huge difference: the Sztarps arent afraid toput on extra weight. Rather than being all skin

and bones, the Sztarps are famous for their

extra flubber. They are so wobbly they look like

jelly on a spinning plate and are proud of it!

This shows how yummySztarps famous booger

burgers must be.

Silver foil - to save your Mum any extratidying up!


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Burger bun.Around two cups full of boogers.Your favourite burger sauces or garnishes.

The only preparation needed is the collectionof your boogers.z

The lumpier your boogers are, the better,

as it will help them squish down and stick

together.

Although boogers can be

collected at any time its always worth keeping

a jar and asking any family members or gueststo add to it.


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Pour the snot onto the boogers and mixtogether.The snot will act as glue so it isimportant the boogers are covered in it.

Squish the boogers into a burger shapebetween your palms. Make sure they are

firmly squashed together so it doesnt fall

apart when cooking.

Place your booger burger onto the silver foiland pop it under a medium-heat grill.

Within 10-15 minutes your burger shouldbe looking crisp and tasty. Remove it from

the grill and serve straight onto the bun.

Top with your favourite sauce and nomaway!

- The Sztarps nom these for breakfast, lunchand dinner, they go with anything!


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Try mixing the boogers with beetles. A crunchy

beetle-booger burger has lots of nutrients as

well as a scrumptious flavour. But be sure to

squish them properly or they may escape!


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This dish was created whilst I was staying with

a poor Hsyirayneian family of lower Saturn, an

area surrounded by vast marshland. Although

they had no money they kindly allowed me to

stay with them through the months of the

Skuutafques invasion.

Not many people know of this battle. It

occurred when the Sluckgnoraatai, an army of

warrior beetles, were sent out from their

kingdom hidden deep in the marshlands to

overthrow the nearest land. Their Queen hadgrown too fat to float properly and so had

wished to move her empire to dry land.

Unfortunately for them, they hadnt considered

their enemies and so did not realise they were

tiny in comparison to the Hsyiraynes; who

happily ate the entire army within just a few

months, along with the foamy water of their

home marshland!


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You may think that the use of toothpaste-foam

and raisins would cause the recipe to lose

flavour, however mixed with the earwax and

crunchy toenail clippings they give it a real

beetle taste, just like the Sluckgnoraatai.

Although if you have access to a marshland and

large amount of nits, beetles or any other

marshy creatures you could create a dish much

closer to the original.

BowlSpoon

Bowlful of toothpaste-foam.Clump of grassy mud.Half a cupful of raisins.Cupful of cream.

Dash of milk.


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Handful of earwax and toenail clippings(mixed).

The collection of earwax and toenail clippings

will depend on your hygiene. While you can

easily collect the toothpaste-foam by giving

your pearly knashers a good old scrubbing!

You could always offer to cut

peoples toenails in order to stock up on the

tasty ingredient.

Mix the grassy mud, toothpaste foam andcream until it is as thick as you like your

yoghurt.

Stir in the raisins and dash of milk, allow itto set for a few moments.

Crumble the earwax and toenail clippingson top and slurp down!


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- Drizzle phlegm or sweat and lime juice overyour yoghurt for the perfect finishing.

If you would like even more of a crunch, try

frozen flakes of dry skin and scabs rolled inmucus clumps.


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A tantalising read that tickles the taste buds- The Jupiter Times.

If only I had scab sarnieswhen I was atschool! Erchnoid Szansard, Master Chef Winner, Saturn 2013.

If youre tired with your mums boring bolognaise

or minging meatloaf, if you want meals with a bit

of zesty tang Then this is for you!

Hitchhikers Guide to Galaxy Gourmet walks

you through seven mouth-watering recipes that

will fill your menu from the moment you wake up

until you crawl back into bed. Ensuring you neverhave to deal with a dull tasteless meal again.

Plus with organic and home grown ingredients

these recipes make delicious meals with lower costs

and less time spent aimlessly wandering around

supermarkets Your Mum will love your offer of

help!

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A Hitchhiker's Guide to Galaxy Gourmet