APLUMEBOOK

MISTAKESIMADEATWORK

IMAGEBYGABRIELLEBERKMAN-LEVINE

JESSICABACAListhedirectoroftheWurteleCenterforWorkandLifeatSmithCollege.BeforecomingtoSmith,shetaughtelementaryschoolinNewYorkCity.SheholdsanMS.Ed.fromBankStreetCollegeofEducationandanMFAincreativewritingfromHunterCollege,partoftheCityUniversityofNewYork.SheliveswithherhusbandandtwochildreninNorthampton,Massachusetts.

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CONTENTS

AbouttheAuthorTitlePageCopyrightDedicationIntroduction

PARTI:LearningtoTakeChargeofYourOwnNarrativeLAURELTOUBYRACHELSIMMONSCORINNALATHANLANIGUINIERILEANAJIMÉNEZLISALUTZKIMGORDONRESHMASAUJANICHERYLSTRAYED

PARTII:LearningtoAskDANIELLEOFRIJOANNABARSHALINATUGENDSELENAREZVANICARLAHARRIS

PARTIII:LearningtoSayNoANNAHOLMESLUMAMUFLEHRUTHREICHLSHARONPOMERANTZ

PARTIV:LearningResilienceJUDITHWARNERRINKUSENSHIRLEYMALCOMRUTHOZEKICOURTNEYE.MARTINJ.COURTNEYSULLIVANCAROLS.DWECK

Acknowledgments

ForJoe,Elijah,andEdie

CONTENTS

Introductionix

PartI.LEARNINGTOTAKECHARGEOFYOUROWNNARRATIVE1

LaurelTouby5RachelSimmons17CorinnaLathan27LaniGuinier35IleanaJiménez45LisaLutz55KimGordon65ReshmaSaujani73CherylStrayed81

PartII.LEARNINGTOASK89DanielleOfri93JoannaBarsh103AlinaTugend113SelenaRezvani121CarlaHarris129

PartIII.LEARNINGTOSAYNO137

AnnaHolmes141LumaMufleh151RuthReichl163SharonPomerantz171

PartIV.LEARNINGRESILIENCE181JudithWarner187RinkuSen195ShirleyMalcom203RuthOzeki215CourtneyE.Martin227J.CourtneySullivan235CarolS.Dweck243

Acknowledgments251

“P

INTRODUCTION

leasetalkaboutamistakeyou’vemadeinyourcareerandwhatyoulearnedfromit,”saidthepanelmoderatorfromthebrightlylitstage.Theaudience

ofcollegestudentsandprofessorsemittedalowhumofanticipation.Igrabbedapen,eagertohearwhatthefivesuccessfulwomensittinginfront

ofmehadtosay.Thetopicwasofpersonalinteresttome,particularlygivenmyrecentchangeincareer.IthadbeenariskformetoacceptmyroleasinauguraldirectorofSmithCollege’sWurteleCenterforWorkandLife,achallengethatIrelishedbutthatmademenervous.AlthoughIwantedtodonothingwrong,chancestomessupwereeverywhere.Managingabudget,Ioverdelegatedtoanewassistantandendedupwithashortfall.Developingnewleadershipprograms,Isteppedontoes.Imadeerrorsonpublicitymaterials,accidentallyprintingthewrongtitleforJuliannaSmoot,whohasheldseveralhigh-levelrolesintheObamaadministration.Althoughshewasgraciousaboutit,Iwasmortified.Fortheseandotherblunders,Iwouldspenddaysfeelinglikeanimposterinmynewrole.Didothersfeelthesameway?Didthesewomenevermakesuchblunders?

Sittinginthepanelaudiencewithmynotebookopen,Iwantedtohearsomethingthatwouldmakemefeellessalone,tofillapagewithotherpeople’sstories.Butaftertwentyminutes,thatpagewasstillblank—andoddly,thiswasn’tthefirsttimeI’dencounteredsuchhesitation,orevenavoidance,whenitcametodiscussingerrorsonthejob.Forinstance,mybosssentmetoaleadershiptrainingweekwhereseveralhigh-levelwomenextolledthevirtuesofmistakeswithouttalkingabouttheirown.Anothertime,Ijoinedsomestudentstohearfromanotablevisitorwhogeneralizedabouther“sacrifices”and“trade-offs,”neversayingwhattheywere.

Tobefair,youcouldsaythesewomenwerejustputtingtheirbestfootforwardandthatit’sdifficulttotalkaboutmistakesinahigh-pressuresituation.Butovertheyears,I’dseentoomanywomenwaxingrhapsodicabout“thevalueoflearningfrommistakes”withoutactuallydescribingany,tofindthatplatitudehelpful.Itwasadviceserved,likemediocrebreakfastpastries,atjustabout

everyprofessionalconference.Theaveragewoman(likemyself)hearsitandthinks,“Sure,easyforyoutosayit’simportanttolearnfrommistakes,butyourmistakesaren’tlikemine.Minearehuge.”Afterall,ifthosewho’ve“madeit”everreallydidanythingwrong,theywouldn’tbewheretheyarenow—right?

WhenIheartheimperativeto“learnfromyourmistakes,”Ialsohearechoesofthe“goodgirl”messagingthatpermeatesourculture.Startinginelementaryschool,girlsfeel“pressuretobeperfect,accomplished,thin,andaccommodating,”accordingtoa2006GirlsInc.report.Thissoundsexhausting—anditcanalsobedamaging,keepinggirlsfromsteppingoutsideoftheircomfortzones.In2007,psychologistCarolDweckandhercolleaguesfoundthatwhenlearningnewmaterial,brightgirlsdidnotcopewellwithconfusion.Infact,“thehigherthegirl’sIQ,theworseshedid.”Girlsweremorelikelythanboystobecomedemoralizedbyachallenge,asifitcalledtheirabilityintoquestion.Thepressurethatthosegirlsfeltto“haveittogether”oftenfollowsyoungwomentocollegeandbeyond.Awell-knownstudyatDukeUniversityfoundthatfemalestudentsexperiencedamandateof“effortlessperfection.”A2013NewYorkTimesarticleaboutHarvardBusinessSchoolreportedthatwomenthereparticipatedinclasslessthanmenbecause—accordingtofacultyandadministrators—they“oftenfelttheyhadtochoosebetweenacademicandsocialsuccess.”It’sasifeventhesehigh-poweredgo-gettersdidn’twanttoriskseemingtooaggressiveorgivingawronganswer.Clearlyfromgirlhoodthroughgraduateschool,weareabsorbingunhelpfulmessagesaboutthemanywaysinwhichwe’resupposedtodothings“right”—andvagueadviceabout“learningfrommistakes”canblurunhelpfullyintoallofthat.

Butwhatifweheardstoriesaboutdoingthingswrong?Ihavewitnessedtheeffectsfirsthand.AfterbestsellingauthorRachelSimmonsgaveaspeechatSmithCollegeaboutdroppingoutofOxford,students,transfixed,didn’twanttoleavethehall.Duringapanelonfailure,Isawlooksofhappysurprisecomeoverstudents’faceswhenafacultymembertalkedaboutapaperthathadn’tbeenacceptedinaprestigiousjournal.TheyoungwomenIworkedwithexpressedreliefwhenpeopletheyadmiredopenedupabouttheirownsetbacksandmistakes;infact,theyseemedtorespectthesepeopleforfeelingcomfortablesharingnarrativesthatweren’tjust“successstories”butwereinsteadlacedwithemotionslikeanxiety,frustration,andshame.

Aspartofmyjob,Iwasreadinguponleadership,discoveringwhatprominentexpertsbelievedleadershipdevelopmentactuallylookedlike.Studyafterstudyshowedthatyouinfacthavetolearnfrommistakesandkeepgoinginordertosucceed.Forexample,psychologistAngelaDuckworth’sstudiesof“grit”—theabilitytoperseverethrougherrorsandsetbacks—haveledherto

believethatit’soneofthemainingredientsinachievement.TheinternationallyknownpsychologistDanielGolemanwritesaboutgreatleadersdemonstrating“athirstforconstructivecriticism.”Successfulpeopleareabletosaytothemselves,“WhileImayhavescrewedup,itdoesn’tmeanIamascrewup.”Itwasaninsightthatseemedprovocative,anditbecamethecatalystforthisbook.

Idecidedtointerviewinterestingandinfluentialwomen—butinsteadofaskingaboutallthey’ddonewell,I’daskaboutwhattheyhadn’tdonewell.I’dcollectstoriestoemphasizewhattheresearchonleadershipclearlyshowedbutthatmanypeoplejuststartingtheircareersoftendidn’tunderstand:thatmakingmistakesispartofgrowingatwork.

Whiledatashowthathigh-achievingwomenandmenfeelpressuretobe“perfect”inmoreorlessequalmeasure,womenmayexperiencethispressureinuniqueways,accordingtoPatriciaDiBartolo,aSmithCollegepsychologyprofessorwhostudiesperfectionism.Forexample,womenmayfeelsocialpressuresmoreprofoundly.Caseinpoint—oneday,fivedifferentpeopleeache-mailedmeareportfromPrincetonUniversitythatsaidthatfemalestudentswerelesslikelythanmalestudentstorunforleadershippositions,inpartbecauseofpressuretoactin“sociallyacceptable”ways.“ThisisnotaPrinceton-specificphenomenon,”thereportemphasized.Soonafterward,anineteen-year-oldBarnardCollegestudentnamedJulieZeilingerpublishedapieceonForbes.comcalled“WhyMillennialWomenDoNotWanttoLead.”“Youngwomentoday,”shewrote,“arebredtodoubtourselves,questionourworthandviewourselvesasimprovableprojectsratherthanembracetheimperfectionofourhumanity.”Thearticleclearlyhitanerve:itreceivedalmosteightythousandpageviewsandwassharedonFacebookalmosttenthousandtimes.

It’simportanttounderstand,though,thattheworkplacecastsamorecriticaleyeonwomen.ResearchersAliceEaglyandLindaCarlidebunkedtheideaofa“glassceiling,”abarrierthatexistsonlyatthetop.Instead,theirextensiveanalysesshowthatgenderbiasintheUnitedStatesisaliveandwellatentry-levelandsenior-leveljobs,forblue-collarworkersandexecutives.Womenaremorelikelytogetflackformistakes,especiallyintypically“male”roles—thisphenomenoniscalled“theglasscliff”—andstudiesshowthatwomenofcolorareevenmoreatriskforbeingperceivedasincompetent.Ifwomenaregivingthemselvestightmarginsforerror,thiscouldeasilybeseenasself-preservation.Theproblemisthatanyonewhowantstoinnovate,gainrecognition,orbecomealeaderwillneedtotakerisksandrealizethatmistakesareinevitable.Whileacknowledgingthatsexismstillexists,eachofuscanalsoconsiderinhabitingtheroleofthe“goodenoughleader”—onewhoscrewsupbutstaysinthegame.Andourculturaldiscourseonwomen’sleadershipmustalsocreatespacefor

conversationsaboutimperfection.ThewomenIinterviewedwereeagertobreakthesilence.Theyunderstood

thevalueof“mistakestories”asakindofmentorshipandagreedtocontributetothisbookevenasourconversationsdisruptedtheirpackedschedules:LumaMuflehmetmeforbreakfastbetweenspeechesaboutFugeesFamily,hernonprofitdevotedtochildsurvivorsofwar;CherylStrayedwasinthemiddleofanongoingpublicitytourforherbestsellingmemoir,Wild;legalscholarLaniGuinierfitinourconversationsbetweenfilingabriefwiththeSupremeCourtandturningingradesforherlawstudentsatHarvard.

AsIcollectedtheinterviews,commonthemesbegantoemerge.Somewomentalkedaboutwalkingawayfromterriblesupervisorsorfromjobsthatweresappingthelifeoutofthem;thissectioniscalled“LearningtoSayNo.”Otherwomendiscussedexperiencesthattaughtthemself-advocacy;thesearein“LearningtoAsk.”Storiesin“LearningtoTakeChargeofYourOwnNarrative”areaboutcomingtorecognizestrengthsandbecomingmorepurposeful.Andfinally,there’sasectioncalled“LearningResilience”—ongettingbackupafterbeingknockeddown.

Throughlisteningtotheselessons,andtothegenerouswomenwhosharedthem,I’vebeguntotellmyownstories.There’spowerintalkingaboutourmistakesandfailures.Myhopeisthatinreadingthestoriesinthisbook,youwillberemindedthatnooneisperfect—noteventheseamazingwomen—andthatitwillhelptopropelyouforward.

A

PARTI

LearningtoTakeChargeofYourOwnNarrative

fterteachingelementaryschoolandthenfreelancingtomakemoney,Ihonestlycouldn’tbelievemyluckwhenIgotathree-day-a-weekjobatSmithCollegeontheWomen’sNarrativesProject(WNP).AndIwaseven

moreexcitedwhenIrealizedthatitmeantIsometimesgottositaroundatableandtalkwithamazingwomen.WNPwasthevisionarybrainchildoftwodeans,MaureenA.MahoneyandJenniferL.Walters,whowantedstudentstoreflectonandclarifytheirvaluesandgoals.Inordertodothis,theyposedsomeseeminglyillicitquestions—illicit,anyway,inanenvironmentofhighachievers:What’sthedifferencebetweenwhatyourfamilywantsforyouandwhatyouwantforyourself?Whatdoessuccessreallymeantoyou?Whatwoulditbeliketofail?MahoneyandWaltersusedtheterm“narratives”becauseitimpliesthatthewaysinwhichweunderstandandtalkaboutourselvesarealwaysevolving—itwilllikelybedifferentinfiveortenyearsthanitistoday.Inaddition,theword“narratives”alludestomultiplicity:“Eachofuscouldtellseveraldifferentstoriesaboutwhowearerightnow,”theyremindedstudents.

Isoonfoundthatmyownstorywaschanging.Thispart-time“dayjob,”oneI’dinitiallyacceptedbecauseIwasawriterwithayoungchild,wasbecomingsomethingIcaredabout.I’doncethoughtthatmycareerwouldfeelgratifyingonlyifIwaspublishingfiction,butIbegantoseethiswasn’ttruebecauseIlovedtalkingtoandworkingwithcollegestudents.I’donceimaginedthattobeagoodmother,I’dneedtoworkareducedschedulesothatmysonwouldn’t

havetobein“toomuch”childcare.NowIwassoakingupnewresearchonwomen,work,andlife,includingagroundbreakingstudythattrackedonethousandinfantsovertwentyyearsandshowedthatfortyhoursaweekofqualitychildcaredoesn’tinterferewithdevelopment.(Oneofitsprincipalinvestigators,KathleenMcCartney,laterbecameSmith’spresident.)Myson,Irealized,wasthrivingathislovingpreschool—evenifIworkedfull-time,he’dbejustfine.Anewnarrativewasforming.

Theabilitytoreflectonourownnarrativesisimportantforseveralreasons.Itcanhelpustofindanextstep:inthissection,LaniGuinierdiscussescomingtoseethatclimbingtheladderfromlawclerktolawyertojudgejustwasn’tforherandthatshewashappytoleaveaprestigiousjobasa“referee”toworkatthelessprestigious,butmorerewarding,NAACPLegalDefenseandEducationalFund.Reflectingonourownnarrativescanalsohelpustoadvocateforourselvesindifficultsituations:ReshmaSaujanitalksabouttheimportanceofbecomingcomfortablewithsharingthefactthatshe’dtakenoutheavyloansforgraduateschool;thiscomfortallowedhertoframeandsharethestoryofhercareerleadinguptoarunforpoliticaloffice.Finally,understandingourownnarrativescanhelpustomakechoiceseveryday:CherylStrayedtalksaboutthe“paralyzing”natureofawritingtaskthatjustfeltwrong,andtherealizationthatshewouldneedtobeengagedinanauthenticwaywithanyassignment.

Evenifweneverputpentopaper(orfingerstokeyboard),wearecontinuallywritingandrewritingourownlifenarratives.Theyhelpustounderstandwhowearenowandwherewearegoing.Andtheyarealwaysevolving.

“D

LAURELTOUBY“Irejectedtheveryideaofofficepolitics.Ifeltitwasawasteoftime.Itjustpissedmeoff.WhydoIneedtogoovertheretogettohere?It’slike,Here’swhatIwant.Here’swhatyouwant.Let’sgetthisdone.”

on’tbenervous”iswhatLaurelToubysayswhenwesitdowninaManhattanStarbucksandshehearsthatshe’smyfirstinterviewforthis

book.Shechecksthatmytaperecorderison;shemovesittowardhertopickuphervoiceandleansinclose.Inphotos,you’lloftenseeLaurelToubyinthebrightfeatherboathatsheusedtowearatherfamousparties.Sheisstrikinglooking,andwhenshespeakspublicly,she’sdirectinawaythatcanbedisarming.I’danticipatedfeelingintimidatedbysittingdownwithher,butthat’snotthewayitactuallyfeltatall.There’sagenerosityaboutTouby,anopennessthatputmecompletelyatease.

LaurelToubyfoundedthemostsuccessfulnetworkingsiteforpeopleinthepublishingindustry.It’scalledMediabistro.comandincludesanincredibletroveofinformation,includinginstructionsonhowto“pitch”tospecificprintandonlinemagazines,coursesthatyoucantakeonline,joblistings,andmuchmore.Itallbeganin1994withapartysheandafriendthrewinordertomeetotherpeopleinjournalismandtofeellessisolatedintheirlivesasfreelancersworkingfromhome.Thepartiesbecameincreasinglypopularandspawnedane-mailnewsletter(thiswasbackintheearlydaysofe-mailusage)andlaterawebsite—whichbecameMediabistro.com.In2007,Toubysoldthesitefor$23million,andshenowspendshertimesupportingotherentrepreneurialventuresinavarietyofways.

LessonsI’veLearnedSomeworkenvironmentsareabetterfitthanothers.

Mygrandfatherpaidformyeducation,andthatwasmybigbreak.Itenabledmetopursueacareerofmychoosingwithouthavingdebthangingoverme.ButhealsotoldmethatIhadtodosomethinglucrative.“Workforacompanythat’sgoingtopayyouwellandtakecareofyou,”hesaid.Thatwasthementalitybackthen:companiestakecareofyou.AndIboughtintoit.

Aftercollege,ImovedtoNewYorkCity,whereIliterallyknewonlyoneperson.Withoutthesupportoffamilyandfriends,Iwasanxiousallthetime.EvenwhenIlandedajobasamediaplannerforYoung&Rubicam(atthetime,thelargestadagencyintheworld)IfeltasifIwasholdingontoarockwall,justhangingonfordearlife—whichmadeitallthemoreupsettingwhenIwasnearlyfired.

IthoughtIwasdoingquitewellatwork,pickingeverythingup.Iwasstayinglateandcominginonweekends;Iwasaccomplishingallthatwasrequiredofme,andlikemanywomen,Ithought“myjob”wasonlymyperformance.WhatIdidn’trealizewasthatIwasalsobeingjudgedbyhowIcameacrosssocially,evenduringdowntimes.Atthewatercooleroroverlunch,I’dbeenactingfun,casual,speakingmymind,crackingjokes—Iwasn’tshyingawayfrombeingmytrue,somewhatedgyandirreverentself.

Afteraboutamonth,mysupervisorcalledmeintoherofficeandgesturedtothechairacrossfromherdesk.Isatdown,thinkingIwasgoingtobecommendedforajobwelldone.Instead,herfacegrave,shesaid,“Laurel,we’regoingtohavetoputyou‘onwatch.’”

“Whatdoyoumean,‘onwatch’?”Iasked.Sherepliedthattheyhadasystemthereformonitoringemployeebehavior.

Peopleonwatchwerenotfiredimmediately,buttheyweregivenawarning,whichgavethemtimetotrytoimproveandallowedsupervisorstocontinuetoassessthem.

Thistookmecompletelybysurprise.Mybrainhungononefinal-soundingword.“Fired?”Iasked,tearsrollingdownmyface.“Why?”Ihadbeensoproudofmyselfandwasjustblindsidedbythisnews.“WhatiswrongwithmethatIdidn’tseethis?”Iwondered.

Shewentontosaythattheconversationwasn’taboutmyworkatall,butthatseveralpeoplehadreportedtoherthatIwas“mean.”Iguffawedthroughmytears.“Mean?”Iaskedincredulously.“WhatdidIsaythatwasmean?”Sherepeatedbacktomeafewofthe“mean”statementsIhadmade.IexplainedtoherthatthosehadbeenlamelittlejokesIblurtedoutwhilestandinginlineatthecopierorfixingmylipstickatthemirrorinthebathroom.Havingneverexperiencedaprofessionalenvironment,Iwasawkwardlytryingtoconnectwithmycolleagues.

Theconsternationliftedfromherfacelikeaveil.Shegavemeastrangelookandsaid,“Youknow,youdon’tseemmean.Lookatyou.Unlessthosearealligatortears,youseemverygenuineandsweet.IthinkIknowwhat’sgoingonhere.Itcouldbeaculturething.Maybeyoujustdon’tfitinculturallyandpeopledon’tunderstandyourhumor.”But,Istammered,howcouldtheynot“understand”myhumor?Isn’tallhumorprettymuchthesame?ShepointedoutthatmanyofmycolleagueswerefromtheSouthortheMidwest.IwasfromanEastCoastcity—Miami,Florida.Perhapsmyhumorwasabittooironicorcutting.“Whydon’tyoustopmakingjokes,”shesuggested,“andlet’smeetagaininaweek’stime?”

Ihadmydoubts.IwonderedhowIcouldhavebeensooffbaseinmyveryfirstjob,whenthestakesweresohigh.IfIwerefired,whoelsewouldhireme?I’dhavetoreturntoMiamitoworkformygrandfather’sconstructioncompany.(Hewasactuallyeagerforthat,buttomeitwastheverydefinitionoffailurebecauseitwouldmeanIwasn’tmakingitonmyown.)WouldIbeabletoswitchoffthejokemakingandpresenta“falseface”totheworld?

Mysupervisoropeneduptomethen.Sheexplainedthatsheunderstoodalltoowell;infact,she’dhadtolearnhowtoalterherpersonalitywhenshebeganworkingforY&R.“I’vedoneitandyoucandoit,too,”shesaidassuredly,explainingthatshe’dbeenthefirstblackwomantobepromotedfromthesecretarialpooltomanagerandthenseniormanager.“We’regoingtohavetojustpruneyouaroundtheedges,”shetoldme,withabittoomuchglee.“You’reawildtreeandwe’regoingtomakeyouintooneofthosewell-manicuredbushes.”Shewasusingthefirsttwofingersonbothhandstomakescissoringmotionshighaboveherhead,asifclippingawayatabushthathadgrownthere.

“Atopiary,”Isaid.I’llneverforgetthatimageofherclippingmypersonalitywithherscissors—ormysuddenrealizationthatwhatshewasreallysayingwasthatatthetopofhergame,shestillcouldn’tbeherself.

ButI’mcompetitiveandhadtoprovethatIcouldfitinincorporateAmerica.Istoppedactingplayfulormakingjokes,andIbegantopayattentiontoeverywordthatcameoutofmymouth,whichmeantIwasstraightandboringallthetime.Ihadwork“friends,”butItuckedmyrealpersonalityawaywhenIwaswiththem.Beforetheweekwasup,mysupervisorcalledmeinandtoldmethatthewatchhadbeenliftedandthateverythingwouldbefineaslongasIdidn’tjokeanymore.

There’sasetofcorporatebehaviors—waysofspeaking,ofaddressingpeople,ofrespondingtothings—anentireprotocolandvocabularythatIjustforcedmyselftolearn.WhileIeventuallymasteredthesethings,Ibegantowonderifworkingforalarge,highlycorporateentitymightnotbeforme.

Eventhebestjobisneverasurething.

Bytheearly1990s,IdecidedthatIhadprovenmyself—I’d“done”corporateAmerica.Lookingforsomethingmorecreative,IappliedforajobatWorkingWoman,amagazinethatwasoneofthefirstforwomenlookingtobuildtheircareers.Theeditorinchiefofferedmethejob,warningthatI’dhavetotakeahugepaycut,butIwaswillingtodoanythingtoescapemysituation,includingwatchingmysalarydropfromameagertwenty-twothousanddollarstoanevenmorepaltrysixteenthousand.WithouthesitationIaccepted,overjoyedtobeworkingforamagazineIrespected.

FromthemomentIsteppedfootintheoffice,IfeltlikeIwashome.Theplacewasallaboutnurturingitsemployeessothattheycouldgrow.“Icouldbehereforever,”Ithought.Mybossesweresupportiveandallowedmetotakeonincreasinglyambitiousprojects,butatthesametimetherewasafeelingof“putinyourduesandwait,andyou’llberewarded.”SoIdid.Atfirst,Iwrotethecaptionsbeneathphotos,andthentheyletmewritecontentforthelittleboxesthataccompaniedstories,thenthesidebars,andfinally,anactualarticle.IlearnedtoeditandwriteheadlinesoverthefirstthreeyearsthatIworkedthere,andIwaspromotedandthenpromotedagain,reapingtherewardsofmyhardwork.

Butthenanewbosscamein,andinsteadofkowtowingtoher,Istayedloyaltotheleaderwhohadbeenpushedout—meaning,Ididn’tplaypolitics.

Weallhadtoapplyforourjobsagain,whichincludedansweringasurveysotheneweditorinchiefcouldgettoknowus.Oneofthequestionswas“Whatareyourfavoritemagazines?”Acolleaguetoldme,“I’mgoingtowritethatVanityFairismyfavoritemag.I’vereaduponthiseditor,andIknowsheadmiresit.”Ithoughtthiswasridiculous,sinceWorkingWomanwasaboutwomenandtheircareers,andmuchofVanityFairisaboutpopcultureandfashionandcelebrities.IunderstoodthattheneweditorinchiefsupposedlywantedtomakeWorkingWomansexier,butIdidn’tagreewiththat.IreadInc.magazine,whichisaimedatgrowingcompaniesandisaboutthebestwaystodobusiness,andIthoughtourmagazineshouldaspiretobelikethat.Iwentwithmygutalmostasanactofdefiance—ashowofloyaltytothepreviouseditor.SomehowIhadn’trememberedthelessonfrommyfirstjob,whichisthatit’snotalwayswisetoplaceyourpersonalauthenticityaheadofthehivemind.Tobehonest,it’sstupidifyouwanttosurviveinabigcorporation.

Still,inmywildestdreamsIdidn’tthinkIcouldgetfiredforexpressingmyopinion.Iputstockinthevirtueofhardwork:ifyouhadahigh-performing

employee,youkepther.Butdoingagoodjob—andessentiallyplayingtheroleofagoodgirl—doesn’tnecessarilyleadtosecurity.

Thiswastheexperiencethattaughtmethatwhereveryougo,whateverjobyoutake,youalwayswanttobeworkingonboostingyourcareerskills,notinthehopesthatyou’llgetarewardfromyourcurrentcompanyorboss—becausetheymightnotbethereoneday.Instead,youalmostneedtoseeyourselfasafreelancer,buildingskillsandcapabilitiestotakewithyoutothenextjobandthenextjobandthenextjob.That’syourtoolkit,andyoushouldbeaddingtoitallthetime,becauseyoucan’trelyonacompanytotakecareofyouandnurtureyouandbringyouupintheworldthewaytheyusedtobackinmygrandfather’stime.

IwashorrifiedtolearnthattheneweditorofWorkingWomanhadintentionstowholesalefirehalfthestaff.Shedidn’tcareaboutusandallthatwehadworkedfor.Shedidn’tcareaboutallthatIhadaccomplished.Itwasn’tschool,itwasbusiness,andshewantedherteaminthere.Sheleftmeamessageathomesaying,“Callmeback.”Iwashavingkneesurgery,andwhenIlistenedtomyansweringmachineIwasalittlebitoutraged—notonlydidshenotrealizethatIwasinthehospital,butshewasplanningtofiremeoverthephone!

I’dbeenatWorkingWomanforthreeyearsontheMondaythatIhobbledintotheoffice,pretendingI’dnevergottenthephonemessage.Iwasscaredtogointhereonmycrutchesandfaceherandthepainandfear.Still,Ipushedmyselftobestrategic,andIsatdownandnegotiatedadealtowriteforthemagazine,whichIdon’tknowifshewouldhavebeenwillingtogivemeoverthephone.ThenIwasonthestreets,butatleastIhadacontract.

Eveninyourownbusiness,youstillhavetocopewithofficepoliticsbecauseyou’remanagingpeople.

Ibegannetworkingagain.Ihaddoneagoodjobofstayingintouchwithconnectionsinpublishing,andacolleagueatGlamoursaidthattherewasanopeningforabusinesseditor.Iwashiredtoworkfromhome,oncontract,turninginassignmentsonceamonth.Nowtherewasnochanceofmygoingintoanoffice,beingmyself,andshakingthingsup!

Duringthoseyearsofworkingwithoutcolleagues,IbeganhostingcocktailpartiesbecauseIwaslonelyandwantedtomeetpeople.Imicromanagedtheparties,makingsureeverythingwasright.Themusiccouldn’tbetooloud;thespacecouldn’tbetoodark.Iforcedthegueststointroducethemselvestoeach

other,movingthemaroundintheroom.Somewouldgetannoyed,andotherswouldrelaxandjustgowithit.

Peoplewerejuststartingtousee-mailatthattime,andIbegane-mailingthegueststoinvitethem.WhenIdecidedtolaunchawebsite,theInternetfeltprettymuchbrand-new.Thesitewasgoingtobeawayforpeoplewhowenttothepartiestolearnaboutjobopeningsandtoconnectonline.IsoonfoundthatIwasgoodatcomingupwithavisiontomakeitgrow.Forexample,webegansayingtopeoplewhopostedjobsthattheyshouldsendusonehundreddollarsifitwashelpingthemfindemployees.Ifitwasn’t,thentheyshouldn’tsendanything.Thousandsofdollars’worthofchecksstartedcomingin.Wealsoofferedonlineclassesforpeopleinpublishing,whichbecamepopularandmadealotofmoney.In2000,Iwasabletoraiseaslugofcapital,fivehundredthousanddollars,toexpandthecompany.

Withthecash,Ibegantoassemblemyownteam.Ihiredsixyoungpeople,justoutofcollege.TheyweredoingwhatIwanted—moreorless—andIwastopdog.Oneday,oneofthemcameintomyoffice.Heknewmewell,becausehe’dbeenmyfirstintern.Hesaid,“You’reupsettingpeopleandwe’reallreadytoquit.”

Holyshit,Ithought.Itwasallhappeningagain.I’mnotfitforanofficeenvironment—evenmyownoffice!

Hesaid,“Whenyouareupsetwithsomeone—oraboutsomething—youcan’tshowyourangeranddisappointment.Youneedtocontrolyourselfmore.”

Ithought,“Great,Ican’tdoanything.”IfeltlikeIshouldn’tbearoundpeople:keepLaurelawayfrompeople!IapologizedtoeverybodyandadmittedthatIwaslearninghowtobeamanager.Andafter,Itriedtobegentler.Iworkedonthephrasingofthings,soinsteadofsaying,“Idon’tthinkthisisgoingtowork;canyoufixthis,this,andthis?”or“Thatpressreleaseneedstosoundmorealive,”Iwouldsay,“Thispartisgreat,butlet’sfixthatsoitsoundsmorealive.”Samemessagebutsugarcoated.

Wedidhavesomepeoplequit,butwehadacoregroupoffivewhostayedwithmefromdayoneallthewaytothemomentwesoldthecompanyandevenafterthesale.EventuallythecompanybecamesosuccessfulthatIwasabletohiresomeonetomanagemystaff;Iremainedtheoutward-facingpersonwhodealtwiththepressandwithcustomers.Andyearslater,thosefirstemployeescametomeandsaid,“Youreallycaredaboutmycareerdevelopmentandaboutteachingme,eventhoughatthetimeIdidn’tunderstand.”Thatwasgratifying.

Tocreateabusiness,youhavetobeassertive.Youhavetobefast.Youcan’twastetime.Youdon’thavetime,soyouactfirstandworryaboutitlater.Inthecorporateenvironment,riskisnotencouraged.It’sworryfirst,andmaybeact

later,maybenot...maybenevergetthere.Beinganentrepreneur,implementingmyownvisionandsubsequentlyworkingwithothersmallbusinessestohelpimplementtheirs,ismuchbettersuitedtomypersonalitythanbeingemployedbyabigcompany.Eventhoughmygrandfatherthoughtthatalong-termjobwouldoffermesecurity,hecouldn’timaginehowtheworldwouldevolve—becausecompaniesjustdon’tprovidethattopeopleanymore.That’swhyit’simportantthesedaystobuildthecapacitytocontributewithinyourfieldandalsotopursueworkenvironmentsthatfeelliketherightfitforyou.

LAURELTOUBY’STIPS

•Whereveryougo,whateverjobyoutake,youalwayswanttobeworkingonskillsyoucantakewithyou.Forexample,learningHTMLorthenewestWindowsoperatingsystem;takingcoursesordoingextrareadingaboutyourindustry—anythingtohelpyoubuildyour“toolkit.”

•Knowyourself,anddon’ttrytobesomeoneyou’renot.Don’ttrytoshovedownyourpersonalityifyouhavetoomuchpersonalityforthecorporateenvironment.

W

RACHELSIMMONS“Thecollegeapplicationindustrialcomplexputsyouonaruthlesstreadmillofrackingupaccomplishmentstobolsteracollegeapplication.Thedangerofthetreadmillisthatyoucanenduptrainingforsomeoneelse’sraceinsteadofpursuingthelifethatwillbefulfillingtoyou.”

hencollegestudentsareaskedaboutwhatit’sliketoworkwithbestsellingauthorandleadershipconsultantRachelSimmons,theyusewordslike“approachable,”“funny,”“helpful,”“refreshinglyhonest,”

and“relatable”todescribeherpersonality.Onestudentsaid,“Ihonestlybelievethatifallgirlsandyoungwomenwereexposedtoherworkshops,itwouldchangetheworld.”SimmonshasspentthelastseveralyearsworkingwithundergraduatesatschoolslikeSmith,Barnard,andSimmons.Herworkshops,whichstudentslove,areopportunitiestohavefunwhilelearningself-awarenessandsettinggoalsforclearcommunicationandrisktaking.

SimmonscametothisworkafterfirstparsingthelanguageoffemaleaggressioninherbestsellerOddGirlOut.Basedonthreehundredinterviewsattendifferentschools,thebookcatalyzedanewculturalconversationaboutgirls’relationshipsanddevelopment.Itwasoriginallypublishedin2002;inarecentlyupdatedandexpandededition,Simmonsexploresthewaysinwhichaggressioncanplayoutonlineandoffersconcreteadviceforparents,teachers,andgirlsthemselves.ReviewingtheupdatededitionforSlate,writerJordanKisnersaid,“OddGirlOutisgrippingbecauseit’srelatable,eventothoseofuswhoaremercifullyremovedfromthesocialpoliticsofmiddleandhighschool.Bydocumentinggirls’socialliveswithdepthandnuance(nogirlisjustabullyorjustavictim,Simmonsremindsus)thebookencouragesustoconsiderwhattranspiredatourownlunchtables,andhowthatshapedthekindofwomenwebecame.”

Simmons’sfollow-up,TheCurseoftheGoodGirl,isalsoamust-readforanyyoungwomanwhohaseverfeltpressuretobenice,polite,modest,orselfless.ManyofthethemesinthesebooksareexploredinSimmons’scurrentworkwithundergraduatewomen.

LessonsI’veLearnedLifeisnotagamethatyoualwaysneedtobewinning.

Iwasalatebloomer.Ididn’tbecome“goodatschool”untilIwenttocollegeatVassar,whereIsuddenlyfeltlikeIcouldspreadmywings.Mygradeswereoutstanding.Itookleadershippositionsatthecollege:editoroftheweeklynewspaper,studentassistanttothepresident.IworkedhardandIplayedhard.Icameoutasagay.Itwasanidyllicfouryears.

AfterIgraduated,myaccomplishmentscontinuedtopileup.IwasanUrbanFellowintheMayor’sOfficeinNewYork.Iadvancedquicklyandwithinayearwaspresidingovermeetingsinthebasementofcityhall.Inmynextjob,IwasrecruitedtoworkonaSenatecampaignthatbecamethemostwatchedpoliticaleventinthecountry.Iaccompaniedmycandidatetovariousevents,meetingthenpresidentClintonandabunchofcelebrities.Intheblinkofaneye,IwasclimbingtheladderinManhattan’spoliticaluniverse.Ilovedtheexposuretopower,theattention,thestatus.Idecidedtogotolawschool,acommon“nextstep”whenyou’regettingintopolitics;IappliedandwasacceptedatYale.

Ataboutthistime,theCareerDevelopmentpersonatVassarapproachedmeaboutapplyingfortheRhodesscholarship.Ibalkedatfirst—IlovedmylifeinNewYork—butIneverturneddownanopportunitytowin,soIapplied.Thewholeapplicationprocessbecameagame.Iwouldputmymindtothis,andIwouldaccomplishit,justasI’ddonewitheverythingelse.

MayorGiulianiheldapressconferenceintheBlueRoomatcityhalltocelebratemyselectionasaRhodesscholar.TheDailyNewsranaheadlineonpagetwo:“Finally,aGeniusinCityHall.”Vassarphotographedmefortheiradmissionsliterature,andoffIwenttotheUniversityofOxford,inEngland,deferringlawschoolforthemoment.

MyplanwastobethebestRhodesscholarever.Iwouldputmymindtoit,andaccomplishit,becausethatwaswhatIalwaysdid.

Don’tprivilegehowyouappeartoothersoverhowyoufeelinside.

WhenIsatdownatmydeskatLincolnCollege,andlookedoutthewindowattherainycourtyard,Iknewsomethingwaswrong.Itriedmybesttoignorethefeeling,butitpersisted.IwentoutwiththeotherRhodesscholars.Iwenttopoliticaltheoryclass.Ididmyhomework.Butinsteadofenjoyingthesethings,I

wasplaguedbyquestions.WhyweretheotherRhodesscholarssoobsessedwiththeirpublicimages

andtheirfutures?Whywereallourseminarreadingswrittenbefore1965?WhydidoneofmytutorssnickerwhenIbroughtupfeministpolitical

theory?Whywerepeopleputtingmayonnaiseonhard-boiledeggs?Andwhywasitgettingdarkatthreethirtyintheafternoon?Iwastryingmybesttoputmymindtothetaskathand,butIcouldn’ttruly

engagewithwhatIwassupposedtobedoing,andsoIcouldn’tgetmyworkdone.

Itwasthefirsttimeinmylifethishadeverhappenedtome,andIcouldn’thandleit.Iwashittingawallandslowlysankintoadepression.

IwanderedthefoggystreetsofOxfordfeelinglost.Iwanteddesperatelytogohome,buthowcouldIquit?HowcouldIwalkawayfromthis,oneofthegreatestaccomplishmentsforayoungAmerican?Whodidthat?Itwouldbetotallyhumiliating.AndIwasnoquitter.SoIkeptpushingmyself.Iwoulddoit.Iwouldaccomplishthis.

Inthemeantime,Ispentweeksreading,walking,goingonruns,and,truthbetold,crying.Ikeptthinking,WhoamI?HowdidIgethere?HowdidIwindupinacountryIdidn’tparticularlycaretobein,withpeoplesounlikeme,readingbooksthatputmetosleep?

TheanswerwasthatIhadbecomeaRhodesscholarnotbecauseIwantedtostudyatOxfordfortwoyears,butbecauseIwantedtherecognition.Winningawards,afterall,waswhatIdid.Myself-esteem,thebasicfoundationofwhoIwas,hadbeenbuiltonit.WhenIcouldnotwinforthefirsttimeinmylife—whenIcouldnotsetmymindtogoingaftersomethingandaccomplishingit—Ifellapart.

WhatdidIreallycareabout?WhatdidIreallyfeelpassionfor?Ihadbeenjumpingthroughhoopsforsolong,doingwhatIthoughtIwassupposedtodo,thatIforgotwhyIwasdoinganyofitinthefirstplace.IforgotwhatIwasstrivingfor.Ihadlostmyself.

IdecidedthatifIwastochangethesituation,IhadtofigureoutwhoIwasagain.IhadtoknowwhatIreallycaredabout—justbecauseIcaredaboutit,andnotbecauseanyonewantedmeto,orbecauseitwouldwinmeawards.

IwenttothelibraryatOxford.Therewasnoassignment,nomandate,nohonortobewon.IstartedthinkingaboutanexperienceIhadhadattheageofeight,whenagirlnamedAbbymademybestfriendsrunawayfrommeontheplayground,leavingmepainfullyalone,justasIwasnow.Whydiditbugmeso

much?Whyhaditstayedinmymind?Atthetime,noonehadstudiedthetopicofgirls’aggression,soIstartedto.IpursuedsomethingIwasinterestedin,justbecauseIcaredaboutit.

Somewherealongtheway,Igotitintomyheadtowriteachildren’sbook.Bulliedgirlswouldknowtheywerenotalone,thatthisterribleexperiencewouldnotlastforever,norwoulditdefinethem.Atthesametime,IfinallyrealizedthatIhadtoleaveOxford.Ipackedmybagsandmovedoutofmyflat.IknewIdidn’tbelongthereandIhadtoacceptthatIhadmadeamistake.Ifothersjudgedme,sobeit.

Myfamilywasdeeplydisappointedinme.Myfather,whohadinhislifenotachievedwhatIhad,beggedmetoreconsider.HowcouldIwalkawayfromsuchanopportunity?HowcouldIbesoungrateful?

Imovedinwithmyparents,andmyresolveaboutleavingOxfordbegantofade.Ifeltembarrassedandashamed.IfeltlikeIwasaquitterafterall.Ahigh-rankingofficialatVassarsaidIhadembarrassedthecollege.Itwasaverysadtimeforme.

Oneday,Ie-mailedafriendwhosemotherwasabookeditorandgaveherasummaryofmychildren’sbookidea.Eventually,sherepliedthatitwasnottherightidea,butshewouldhavelunchwithme.Myfathersaid,“Well,youdidn’tthinkyou’dgetapositivereplyfromtheveryfirsteditoryoucontacted,didyou?”

Ialmostdidn’tcallher.Afterall,shedidn’tlikemyideaverymuch.ButasIsatonthefloorofmychildhoodbedroom,lookingatacabinetfullofdustytrophies,Ifigured,WhatdoIhavetolose?

WhenIreachedJane,theeditor,shetoldmeaboutherfortiethhighschoolreunion,whenshesawthegirlwhohadoncebeenmeantoher.Shehadneverforgottentheexperience.“You’reontosomethingwiththisbookideaofyours,”shetoldme,“butyoucan’twriteachildren’sbook.Youhavetowritethebook.”SheaskedmeifIhadheardofRevivingOphelia,andofcourseIhad;itwasabestselleraboutteenagedgirlsthathadsoldoveramillioncopies.Janehadeditedit.

Andthiswashowmyfirstbookwasborn.Janementoredmethroughtheentireprocess.Ireceivedasmalladvance.Iwithdrewfromlawschool.Thistime,myparentswerefurious.Myfathershoutedatme:“You’rethrowingawayeveryopportunityyou’vebeengiven.”

Ididn’tcare.IfIwantedtoreapplytolawschool,Iwould.Isuspectedthisbookwouldhealmeandbringmebacktomyself.Toearnextramoney,IbecameanannyinManhattan.Itookshort-term,menialjobs.Imovedtoamouse-infestedapartmentinBrooklyn.ButIknewwhatIfeltmostcommittedto

intheworld,andIwasdoingit.Itseemedincredible:ofthehundreds,maybethousands,ofeditorsinthe

world,Ihadfoundtheonewho’deditedRevivingOphelia,entirelybyfate.Butwasitfateorwasitpassion?Iamnotabelieverinpredestination,butIdothinkthatonsomelevel,mypassionledmetoJane.WhenIdevotedmyselftowhatIgenuinelycaredabout,whenIletmyheartguideme(asopposedtomyneedtoaccomplish)Ifoundtruesuccess.

AweekafterOddGirlOutwaspublished,IwasonOprah.ThebookspentthreemonthsatthetopoftheNewYorkTimesbestsellerlist.Thesehoopswerewonderful,buttheyweren’tthepoint.I’dlearnedthatwhenyouprivilegehowyouappeartoothersoverhowyouaretoyourself—whenyouchooseseemingoverbeing—youdriftawayfromthestrongestpartsofwhoyouare.Therighttoclaimpersonalauthorityinyourlifeisaboutclaimingpassion,andpassioniswhatfeedsourmostimportantconvictionsandvalues.

RACHELSIMMONS’STIPS

•Listentoyour“internalvoice,”thatvoiceinsideyourheadthattellsyouwhenyoufeeltiredorthirsty,whetheryoushouldleavethatparty,ifyoushouldbuythatcoolshirt.Whenyouthinkaboutthepathyou’reonrightnow,whatdoesthevoicesay?Afull-throated,passionateyes?Amaybe?OranI-hate-this-but-it’s-what-I-have-to-do?Youcanplugyourearsforawhile,buteventually,thatvoicegrowslouder,moreominous,andhardertoignore.Listentoitnowbeforeyougetintoodeep.

•Don’tbeafraidtoquit.Whocareswhatotherpeoplethink?They’renottheoneslivingyourlife.Youare.Thepeopleweareterrifiedofdisappointingusuallywantustobehappy.Taketheleapandtrustthatyouwilllandontheotherside.

•Thereisnoschool,notherapysession,noamountofmoneythatwillearnyouthewisdomandstrengthconferredbyanepic-failmistake.It’slikewhenbabiestouchsomethinghotandscreaminpain.They’llnevertouchitagain.Andneitherwillyou.

D

CORINNALATHAN“Startingacompanyandleavingacademia,Ihadsomanyfriends,maleandfemale,whowerejustterrifiedforme—terrifiedthatitwouldn’tworkoutandthenI’dbebothhumiliatedandoutofajob.ButIdidn’tfeelthatway,becauseIwasn’tafraidoffailing.Partofthatconfidencewasbeingabletoask,‘What’stheworstthatcouldhappen?’TheanswerwasthatIcouldprobablygobacktoacademia(withmytailbetweenmylegs)orfindsomethingelseinterestingtodo!”

r.CoriLathanhasthecoolestjobever:sheworkswithrobots.AsfounderandCEOoftheengineeringresearchanddesignfirmAnthroTronix,Lathanleadsateamofengineerstocomeupwithamazinginventions

aimedathelpingallkindsofpeople,frommilitarypersonneltochildrenwithcerebralpalsy.Forexample,theycreatedaglovethatallowssoldiersonnightpatroltocommunicatebysilentlymovingtheirhands.Theyalsobuiltaninteractivelittleguy,calledCosmoBot,whosepurposeistomakephysicaltherapyfunforkids.

Lathan’sworkhasbeenfeaturedinForbes,Time,andtheNewYorkerandhasearnedherrecognitionasMaryland’s“TopInnovatoroftheYear,”asoneofMITTechnologyReview’s“Top100WorldInnovators,”andasoneofFastCompany’s“MostCreativePeopleinBusiness.”

Becauseherfamilyalwayssupportedherloveofmathandscience,Lathannowworkstomakesurethatothergirlsgetthesamekindofencouragement.She’sthefounderofaprogramforjuniorhighschoolgirlscalledKeystoEmpoweringYouth,anadviserfortwodifferentroboticsprogramsforkids,andamemberoftheboardofEngineeringWorldHealth.

LathanreceivedherBAinbiopsychologyandmathematicsfromSwarthmoreCollege;atMITsheearnedamaster’sdegreeinaeronauticsandastronauticsandaPhDinneuroscience.

LessonsI’veLearned

Evenifyoudoadvancedstudywithinanacademicfield,itdoesn’tmeanyouhavetogointoacademia.

Asakid,IlovedStarTrekandIwantedtobeanastronautsoIcouldexplorespaceliketheydidontheshow.Iwasgoodinschool,andmyparents’encouragementgavemetheconfidencetopursuecoursesintheSTEMfields(science,technology,engineering,math),whereIwasoftenoneoftheonlygirlsinclass.Thereareseveralreasonsthatfewergirlsenterthesefields—includingtheextremelyboringstateofmathandscienceeducationintheUnitedStatesandthemediaglamorizationofotherpursuits,likeactingandsingingandplayingsports.Inaddition,parentsandteachersoftendon’trecognizetheirowngenderbiasesandsounwittinglyfailtoencouragegirlsinSTEMfieldseveniftheydon’tactivelydiscouragethem.I,ontheotherhand,hadsomuchsupportandconfidencethateventhoughIfailedoutofengineeringmyfreshmanyearofcollege,IwentontoreceiveanengineeringdegreefromMIT!

TheonlyproblemwasthatafterIsucceededingettingthatdegree,Imadethemistakeofgoingintoacademia.I’dalwaysknownthatIwantedtogetmyPhDandthoughtthatmeantIhadtobeaprofessor;Ireallydidn’tconsiderotheroptions.However,afterbeingatMITforsixyearsasastudent,Irealizedthatthepublish-or-perishpressureofa“ResearchI”universitywasnotformeandthatIwantedabalanceofteachingandresearchandservice.SowhenIgraduated,Iwenttoteachatagoodsecond-tieruniversitywithastrongundergraduatepopulation—andwhatIdiscoveredwasthatacademiaisacademia.Itfeltlikeacultwiththisbizarreattitudethatifyouarethere,youmustwanttenureandyou’regoingtodoanythingtogetit.

Youngfacultygettakenadvantageofbecausethey“can’t”sayno:Theyhavetoteachcoursesthatseniorfacultydon’twant,duringtheworsttimeslots.Theyhavetoteachnewcourses,whichrequirealotofprepandareahugedrain.(Inmyfirsttwoyears,Itaughteight.)SinceIwastheonlywomanintheschoolofengineering,Iwasaskedtobeonpracticallyeverycommittee,whichwouldhavebeenfineifI’dgotten“credit”forit,butwhenIwentupfortenure,Ihadprofessorsasking,“Whydon’tyouhavemorepublications?”—anditseemedliketheymeant,“Whathaveyoubeendoingwithyourtime?”

Whatreallymademeleave,though,wasnotalackofpromotionsortenure—theyultimatelytriedtogivemeboth.Itwasthelackofaccountabilityintheresearchweweredoing.Iwassupposedtobesatisfiedwithjustwritingpapersonhowrobotscouldhelpkidswithdisabilitiesachievebasic,everydaytasks,andIthought,“MyGod,there’samarketthere.There’saneedforthis

technology.HowcanIdoresearchonthesekidsandlooktheparentsintheeyewhentheyask,‘SohowcanIgetarobotliketheonewe’vebeentestingtomakemykid’sphysicaltherapyfun?’HowcanItellthem,‘Thereisn’tone’?”

AsIcametothisrealization,anamazingthinghappened:Abusinessincubator—awholebuildingfornewcompanies—wentupacrossthestreetfromwhereIwasteaching.I’dneverthoughtofmyselfasanentrepreneurbutIwalkedinandsaid,“WhatdoIhavetodotoapply?”

Iworkedwithtwoofmystudentstowriteabusinessplanforacompanythatwouldcreatethekindofrobotwe’dbeentestingandwritingaboutinouracademicwork.Iapproacheditjustlikeanyothergrantproposal:Theygiveyouanoutlineandyoufillitin—what’stheproduct,what’sthemarket?Youactlikeyou’resureabouteverything,evenwhenyou’renot.Theincubatorlovedtheideaandletusinwiththecaveatthatweneededtofindabusinesspersontoguideus,whichwedid.ItookaleaveofabsencefromtheuniversityandhadsomuchfunthatyearIneverwentback.

Failureispartofinnovation.

Ourcompanyisinterestedinquestionsabouthumans’interfacewithtechnology.WiththeUniversityofMaryland’sHuman-ComputerInteractionLab,wecodevelopedastorytellingrobotnamedCosmoBotthatkidscouldinteractwiththroughwearablesensors.Achilddoingphysicaltherapywhoneededtopracticeraisingherarm,forexample,couldsuddenlymakeCosmoBotraisehisarmatthesametime,whichwasmotivating!AchildwithautismwhoneededtopracticeinteractivespeechcouldgetCosmoBottorespondinagamethatwasalsoaback-and-forthdialogue.

Wewereabletobuildtherobotandtestitinschools,butatthatpointwerealized,“Holycow,we’vejustspent$750,000ingrantfundingtobuildonerobot,andallwehaveisaprototypewithacoupleofdatapoints—togetthistomanufacturingisgoingtobeinsanelyexpensive.”EvenafterweraisedamillionmoredollarsandtheNationalScienceFoundationmatchedit,werealizedtherewasnowaywecouldlaunchthisproduct.

Giventheconsumerelectronicsrevolution(inshort:everyonehassmartphones)wethoughtthatdevelopinganinteractiverobotforkidsshouldbewithinourgrasp—butweweretotallywrongforalotofreasons.Thebiggestoneisthatmakinghardwareis,well,hard.It’stechnicallydifficultandextremelyexpensivetobuildanactualobject,becauseeachiterationisawhole

newmanufacturingprocess.Fromabusinessperspective,ourproductwasalsoadisruptivetechnology,whichmeansit’sdesignedtochangethewaythatpeopledobusiness,andsobydefinitionis“wrong”forthecurrentmarket.Somepeopleareabletocreatemarketsoutofnothing;inourcase,weweren’t.

However,wehadbuiltthisthingcalledMissionControl,whichwas—stillis—afantasticinterface.Itwasaspecialkindofkeyboardthatwentwithourrobot,andithadthesebig,round,colorfulbuttonsthatwerelikedimmerswitches,makingitamuchmorephysicalinterfacethanaregularkeyboard.Kidsseemedtofeelcomfortableusingit.Wedecidedtobuildalearningsystemarounditandassembledateamofexpertstowritecompatibleeducationalsoftware.ThewholethingbecamewhatwecalledCosmo’sLearningSystem.Itendedupbeingourflagshipproduct,andeveryonelovedit,andwesoldabunchtovariousschoolsystems.Ithassincebeenusedwithable-bodiedkids,kidswithautism,andkidswithcerebralpalsy,anditreallyputusoutthereassoup-to-nutsproductdevelopersandinnovators.

Inmyoriginalfieldofacademicresearch,youdevelopahypothesisandifyoucan’tproveit,youdon’tcallit“amistake”or“beingwrong.”Yousay,“Iwasunabletodisprovethenullhypothesis.”Andintheworldofentrepreneurs,peopleweartheirmistakeslikebadgesofhonor;you’llhearthemsaythingslike,“IhadthreefailedcompaniesbeforeIhadmysuccess,”or“Venturecapitaldoesn’twanttofundanewentrepreneur,becauseheorshehasn’tmadesomemistakes.”Weallunderstandthatmistakesarepartoftheprocessofinnovation.

ThisiswhyIthinktheSTEMfieldsandtheentrepreneurialworldactuallyprovidegreatenvironmentsforwomen—whoareoftenhardonthemselves—becausetheyallowyoutoacceptmistakesandkeepgoing.IfwecouldconvinceyoungwomentogointoSTEMfieldspurelyforthatreason,wouldn’titbegreat?

CORINNALATHAN’STIPS

•Ithinktakingriskscanbehardforwomen,butithelpstohavea“what’stheworstthatcanhappen?”attitude.Iknewthatifmycompanyfailed,I’dbeabletomoveon.Ihadcredentialsthatnoonecouldtakeawayandtheresiliencetonotinternalizefailure—itdidn’thavetodefineme.

•Eventhoughwe’vehadseveralproductsthatweremarketfailures,theyhelpedpeopletogettoknowwhoweare,andweleveragedthat

visibilitytogetothercontractsandworkonnewproducts.Sowesee“failure”asjustpartofdoingourwork,partofinnovation.Ithinkthatweallmightbeabletovalueourmess-upsandmistakesalittlemoreifwesawthemaspartoftheprocessofdevelopingaspeople.

•Inanyfield,ourresilienceistested.Sometimesit’sasignthatit’stimetomoveon—likewhenIleftacademia—andsometimesit’sjustabumpontheroadtoachievingyourdreams.Discerningthedifferenceisthechallengeandthereisnotonerightanswer!

I

LANIGUINIER“WhenI,ayounggirlwatchingtelevision,sawConstanceBakerMotleyescortJamesMeredithtotheUniversityofMississippiatOxford,ithadaprofoundeffectonme.Shewasphysicallyverypowerful—bothdeterminedandserious.AndthefactthatitwasawomanwhowasplayingthissignificantroleinthedesegregationofOldMiss—that’swhatIfocusedon:thatawomancouldbealawyer—andabravelawyer.”

n1998,LaniGuinier,Harvard’sBennettBoskeyProfessorofLaw,wasthefirstfemaleAfricanAmericanprofessortoreceivetenureatHarvardLawSchool.BeforeteachingatHarvard,sheservedasaspecialassistantinthe

CivilRightsDivisionoftheU.S.DepartmentofJusticeunderPresidentCarter,thenworkedasalawyerfortheNAACPLegalDefenseandEducationalFund.In1993,shewasnominatedbythenpresidentBillClinton,anoldfriendandYaleLawSchoolclassmate,toreturntotheDepartmentofJusticeandleaditsCivilRightsDivision.Shequicklycameunderattackfromconservativesforherwritingsonvotinganddemocracy,andPresidentClintonwithdrewthenomination.Guinierrespondedwithgraceandresilience;insteadofretreating,sheseizedtheopportunitytobeginpromotingpublicdiscourseabouttheintersectionofrace,gender,andthelaw.Shepublishedseveralbooksonthesetopics,includingamemoiraboutthattimecalledLiftEveryVoice:TurningaCivilRightsSetbackintoaNewVisionofSocialJustice.

GuiniergrewupinNewYorkCity,wherehermotherwasapublicschoolteacherandherfatherworkedandattendedlawschoolatthesametime.SheremembershimhavingtotakeabusandthentwosubwaystotravelfromSt.Albans,Queens,toNewYorkUniversityLawSchoolinManhattan.“Helovedlawschool,”Guiniersays,“andtheotherpersonwholovesitismyson.ButIenjoyedbeingalawyermorethanIenjoyedbeingalawstudent.”Partofherfeelingaboutlawschoollikelyhastodowiththestorythatshetellsbelow.

LessonsI’veLearned

Sometimesittakesthewrongjobtorealizewhat’sagoodfitforyou.

In1971IwenttolawschoolatYale,determinedtobecomeacivilrightslawyer.TheyearbeforeIarrived,therehadbeenalotofturmoilinNewHavenbecausetheBlackPantherswereontrialthere.Protestsoncampusandinthecityhadledtoanatmosphereofagitationinthelawschool;Ithinksometeachersbegantoassociatetheblackstudentswithmilitancyandfeltthreatened,whichcompoundedtheoutragethatblackstudentshadatfeelingtheydidnotbelong.Forwhateverreason,Yaleadmittedfarfewerblackstudentsduringmyyearthantheyhadintheyearprior:Iwasoneoftwelveinaclassoftwohundred.ButIhadastrongsupportnetworkofblackpeersfromcollege,andtherewasatremendoussenseofsolidarityamongus.

Inmysecondyear,ItookacoursecalledBusinessUnitsOne.Itwastaughtbyaprofessorwhowouldcomeintoclasseverydayandsay,“Goodmorning,gentlemen.”Heacknowledgedonthefirstdaythatthereweresomewomenintheclass,buthesaidthatwe,too,wouldbecome“gentlemenofthebar.”IactuallyfeltmuchmoreexcludedfromthelawschoolasaresultofthatinteractionthanfromeverythingthatwashappeninginNewHavenwithregardtoblackstudentdemonstrationsorongoingcivilandcriminalcasesinNewHaven.Thewomen’smovementwasataveryearlystage,andtobetoldthatinordertobealawyer,Ihadtobecomea“gentleman”...Ididn’thaveanybodytotalktoaboutthat.Icouldmakeajokeofit,butitwasn’tasiftherewasthesamekindofactivismorawarenessregardingwomen’sissuesastherewasaboutrace,comparedtoeventenyearslater.Instead,therewasasenseofnotbeingpresentintheroomevenasyouweresittingrightthere.

Aftergraduatingfromlawschool,IacceptedaclerkshipwithJudgeDamonKeith,whohadbeenoneoftheveryfirstblacklawyerstobeelevatedtoafederalcourtjudgeshipinDetroit.TherewasanatmosphericdifferencebetweenDetroitandNewYorkCity,whereI’dgrownup.Detroitwassofriendlythatatfirstitfrightenedme;Iwasunaccustomedtospeakingtostrangers,becauseinNewYorkCityeveryoneisrushingandyoubarelyhavetimetospeaktoanyone,evenpeopleyouknow.InDetroit,bycontrast,peoplewouldcomeuptoJudgeKeith,sayhello,andstartaconversation.Most—butnotall—ofthepeoplegreetinghimwereblack,butregardlessofwhoeverstoppedtosayhello,thatpersonalmostalwaysprojectedasenseofcamaraderieandadmirationtowardhim.Evenifhewasinahurry,hewouldstopandatleasthaveashortconversation.Thiswassomethinghekepttutoringmeon:“Ifsomebodysays

hello,youmustsayhelloback.Andiftheysayyourname,that’sareasontocontinuetheconversation,evenifyoucan’tremembertheirname.”

IcametoloveDetroit’swarmth,andthesenseofbelongingtoacommunity,soIstayedthereevenaftermyclerkshipwasover,takingajobasarefereeintheWayneCountyJuvenileCourt,whereIsatinjudgmentoncriminalcases(butnotseriousfelonies)andoncasesofneglectandabuse.Itwasgreatonpaperbecauseitcamewithmoneyandastepupintitle—butIdidn’tlikeit.

Havingworkedwithafederaljudge,Iwantedtolearnaboutthestatecourtsandthejuvenilejusticesystem,butwhatIlearnedwasnotaffirming.Thejuvenilecourtfeltlikeaneglectedpartofthecityandthecommunity.Itwasfullofmanysadandsometimesstrangestories:acouplewantedtobereleasedfromtheirobligationtoadoptachild;asocialworkerwantedtotakeachildfromthemotherbecausetherewerenocurtainsonthelivingroomwindows.EachdayIwassummonedateightinthemorningandgiveneightcases,andIcouldn’tgotolunchuntilafterIwasfinishedwithallofthem.

Whensettingbail,Isatinacloset-sizedroomrightbesidethepoliceofficers,thejuvenile,andsometimestheparents.IknewIdidn’thavethebestinformationbecausethedefenselawyersandsocialworkersweren’tabletodothoroughinvestigations,andyetIwasoftenproddedbytheofficerstosetbailsohighthatthekidwouldhavetostayindetention.I’dbeentaughtinlawschoolthatbailissetsothattheaccusedshowsup,andifthejuveniledidshowuptothispartoftheprocess,especiallywithhisorherparents,Iwouldfeelconfidentthatyes,thejuvenilewouldreturn,andthenIwouldsetanappropriatebail.Yettherewasoftenthisunspokensensethatifyoudidn’tsendthischildtodetention,thepoliceofficers—whowerereallyyourcolleagues—wouldstopbeingcollegial.Therewasthispressuretoshiftmyownviews,andIdidn’tliketheeffectofit.Workinginthelegalsysteminthiswaywaslikeexpectingtohearasymphonyonlytofinditwasbeingplayedbyaloneharmonicaplayer;itwasjarringanddissatisfying.

Needlesstosay,Ididn’tthriveinthework.Itdidn’tbuildonmystrengths,anditalsomademefeelvulnerable:Atthesupermarket,ateenageboyorgirlmightshoutout,“Hello,RefereeGuinier,”andI’dbesecond-guessing—howdoesthispersonknowme?WhatdidIdotohimorher?TherewasasenseofnotbeingabletoleavemyjobevenafterIwenthome.

Butmymotherwasalwaysoftheopinionthatmistakesarelearningopportunities,andthetakeawaylessonformewasthatIneverwantedtobeajudge.Thiswasagreatrevelation,becauseinordertobeesteemedinthelegalprofession,youaresupposedtobeaspiringtobeajudge.Ididn’twanttobesittinginjudgment,Irealized,whenIwasn’tinapositiontogooutand

interviewwitnessestoamassthefactsmyselfbutinsteadwouldhavetomakedecisionsbasedonpotentiallyunreliableinformation.Ididn’tlikethatatall,andunderstandingthatpartofmyselfwaskey.

Beingpartofahigh-functioningteamcanmakeallthedifferenceatwork.

ThejobIhadwantedallmylifewastobeacivilrightslawyerlikeConstanceBakerMotley.WhenIwasofferedapositionworkingwithAssistantAttorneyGeneralDrewS.DaysattheCivilRightsDivisionoftheDepartmentofJustice,IleftDetroitandmovedtoWashington,DC,forthatjob.In1980,afterRonaldReaganwaselectedpresident,Mr.DayslefttojointhefacultyatYaleLawSchool.I,too,waslucky:IgotmydreamjobwiththeNAACPLegalDefenseandEducationalFund(LDF),thesameplaceConstanceBakerMotleyhadworkedwhenI,asachild,hadseenherontelevision.TheVotingRightsActof1965(theVRA)wassettoexpirein1982,andalthoughIhadn’tthoughtthatlegislativeadvocacywaswhatI’ddo,itendedupthatIlovedworkingonamendingandextendingtheVRA.Ifeltprivilegedtobepartofalegislativeteam:itwasexcitingtobeamongagroupoflawyers,activists,andmembersofCongresswhowereinfluencinghistory.AftertheVRAwasrenewed,IfoundmyselfensconcedinNewYorkCityworkingatLDF.Iwasthrilledtoactuallyholdthesamejobthatmychildhoodrolemodelhadhad—Iwasnowacivilrightslitigator.

TherewassomethingveryspecialaboutworkingatLDF.WhenIopenedthedoorinthemorningandcrossedthethresholdtoentertheoffices,Ikneweveryonetherewasonmyside.Icouldgotoanybody’sofficeandsay,“Ihavethisreallydifficultcase,”andthey’dstopwhattheyweredoingandtalkthroughitwithme.Theopportunitytocollaborate—andthevaluablelessonsthatIlearnedfrommypeers—taughtmethattherewasnowayyoucouldtakeonthesebattlesbyyourselfandtherewerealotofwaystofail.

Irealizedthatforme,collegialityandemotionalconnectionwerelikeanenergysupplement.Atthejuvenilecourttherehadbeennoteam;everyonewasinhisorherowncourtroom;asareferee,yousatinjudgmentonotherpeople’slivesbutcouldn’tconsultwithanyonebecauseyouhadeightcasesbeforelunch.Plus,asareferee,Iwasprohibitedfrominterviewingwitnessesorleavingmychambers.Iwasnotallowedtobeadetective.Iwasnotequipped,inotherwords,touncovertherealstory.Andeventhoughthatjob(atleastforsome

people)hadmorestatusandpaidmorethanmyworkatLDF,itwasn’trestorative.Incontrast,therewasanexuberancethatcamefromworkingatLDF.It’swhatyoumightimagineafootballorbasketballteamexperienceswhenthey’rehot:passingtheballtoeachother,withnoonepersonactinglikeaprimadonna,becausethey’recoordinatingtoachieveacommonlysharedgoal—tosucceedasateam.

Tome,thestoryofmyearlycareerisreallyaboutliberation.It’sliberatingtofreeyourselffromtheassumptionthatthebestwaytosucceedistokeepmovingupaladder,whereyoubecomemoreandmore“important”andmoreandmorepowerful.Ifyouhavetosubdueordisregardyourvalues,ifyouhavetoforgoyourintellectualinterestsandlackthenecessaryevidencetobetrulyfairandjust,thenbecomingimportantandpowerfulisjustnotworthit.

LANIGUINIER’STIPS

•MymothertoldmethateventhoughIwasverycomfortableinDetroit,Iwas“tooyoungtobemiddle-aged”andshouldgotoWashington,DC,totakeajobIwasbeingofferedwiththeCivilRightsDivisionattheDepartmentofJustice.Shewouldremindme:“YoucanalwaysgobacktoDetroitifthatturnsouttobewhatyouwant.”Sometimesbeingcomfortableinaplaceisn’tagoodenoughreasontostaythere.It’sokaytotakerisks.

•Moneyandahigh-statusjobtitlearen’teverythingwhentheyfailtoproduceasenseofgenuinesatisfactionatwork.

•WhenI’mteaching,IoftensharewithmystudentsthisquotefromHowardThurman,atheologianwhogreatlyinfluencedDr.MartinLutherKingJr.:“Don’tjustaskwhattheworldneeds.Askwhatmakesyoucomealive,andgodoit.Becausewhattheworldneedsispeoplewhohavecomealive.”

S

ILEANAJIMÉNEZ“Isaidtomyself,‘BeforeI’mthirty,I’mgoingtodothreethings:movehometoNewYork;findaschoolthatmatchesmyvisionandmission;andcomeouttomyfamilyandatwork.’OnceIdidallthosethings,Icatapultedmyselfintoamuchmoreempoweringtimeinmycareer.”

tudentswhoareluckyenoughtohaveIleanaJiménezastheirhighschoolteachercantakeclassesinfeminism,LGBT(lesbian,gay,bisexual,transgender)literature,ToniMorrison,andmemoirwriting.Jiménez

teachesEnglishattheLittleRedSchoolHouseandElisabethIrwinHighSchool(LREI)inNewYorkCity,whereshehasalsoworkedwithherstudentstoraiseawarenessaboutsexualharassment,sextrafficking,thesexualizationofgirlsandwomeninthemedia,andqueeryouthissues.Jiménez’smissionasateacheristousethe“classroomitselfasaspacetoengageinrealdiscussionsthatwillallowyoungpeopletotransformnotjustthemselves,buttheworldaroundthem.”

Inrecognitionofherworkteachingfeminismandactivismtohighschoolstudents,theNewYorkCitychapteroftheNationalOrganizationforWomengavehertheSusanB.AnthonyAwardin2012.In2010,theFeministPressnamedheroneofits“40FeministsUnder40.”

JiménezhaswrittenabouteducationandfeministissuesforpublicationssuchasFeministing,theHuffingtonPost,Ms.magazine,OntheIssues,andtheWomen’sMediaCenter.Herblog,FeministTeacher,providescutting-edgeideasforK–12teacherswhowanttobringfeminismandactivismtotheirclassrooms.HercreationoftheTwitterhashtag#HSfeminismhasunitedteachersintheconversationnationallyandglobally.

ShereceivedherMAinEnglishliteratureatMiddleburyCollege’sBreadLoafSchoolofEnglishandherBAinEnglishliteratureatSmithCollege.During2010–11,shewasgrantedaDistinguishedFulbrightAwardinTeaching.

LessonsI’veLearned

Ifyou’resomeoneforwhomit’simportanttohaveyourpersonalandpoliticalvaluesalignwiththoseofyourworkplace,thentakethetimetofindtherightworkplace.

WhenIwasinhighschool,wereadJamesJoyce’sPortraitoftheArtistasaYoungMananditspoketome.Hewasbulliedontheplayground;Ihadbeenbulliedontheplayground.Hewrotepoetryunderneathhisblanketsatnight;Ialsowrotepoetry.HewasavoraciousreaderwhowentofftocollegeandbegantoquestiontheCatholicchurch;IhadgrownupinaPuertoRicanCatholichouseholdandwasalsostartingtoquestionallkindsofthings.Ithought,“Iwonderwhythereisn’tabooklikethisaboutaPuertoRicangirlgrowingupinNewYork?Iwouldliketoknowthatgirl’sstory.”

IbeganreadingwhatwomenwroteaboutbeingyoungartistsanddiscoveredfeministtheorythroughSimonedeBeauvoirandKateMillettandSandraGilbertandSusanGubar—buttheywereallwhitewomen.Later,whenIfirstarrivedatcollege,InegotiatedmywayintoaLatinaandLatinAmericanWomenWritersclass(officiallyclosedtofirst-yearstudents)andfinallyreadbooksthatI’dbeenwaitingforallmylife.

CherríeMoraga’sLovingintheWarYearswasthebiggestturningpointforme,becauseIhadneverreadabookthatprovidedthelanguageforunderstandingLatinaidentity,queeridentity,and“brownness.”IfeltlikeshewasgivingmethelanguagethatI’dalwaysneededjustbynamingthesepartsofherselfandsayingthatallofthemcouldexisttogether.Itmademefeelalive.IfeltasthoughIwasnolongeralone;MoragaandotherwritersultimatelybecameimportanttouchstonesforunderstandingstrugglesthatIwasgoingthrough.

IwantedtobringvoiceslikeMoragaouttotheworld,toletothersknowthattheirexperienceswerereflectedthroughgreatliterature—andsoIdecidedtobecomeaneducator.Ineverwantedmystudentstofeelasthoughtheirvoiceswereleftout,becauseIthinkthatthere’sakindofinvisibilityandpsychiclonelinessstudentsfeelwhentheirexperiencesaren’treflectedinthecurriculum.Oneofmyfirstteachingjobswasatagirls’schooloutsideofWashington,DC.Fromthebeginning,IwantedtoengagetheEnglishdepartmentindiscussionsaboutthelackofcolorandqueerauthorsinthecurriculum.Ialsowantedstudentstoreadliteraturethatreflectedpartsofhistory,suchastheHolocaust.ThetextsthatIwassuggestingwerenotthatradical,atleasttome.IthoughtourmiddleschoolgirlsshouldreadNightbyElieWiesel,forexample,andthatourhighschoolprogramshouldincludeLatinaandAfricanAmericanwriters.There

wasabitofpushbackfromsomefacultymembers,andIcouldn’tunderstandwhywecouldn’tengageinathoughtfulconversationaboutwhatwewereteachingourstudents.

I’dbeenthereforabouttwoyearswhenthedepartmentchairaskedtomeetwithmeprivately.Ithoughtweweregoingtotalkaboutmyideas,butourmeetingwoundupbeingsomethingentirelydifferent.Shebroughtmeintoherclassroom,whichwasoneofthenicestinthebuilding—ithadacarpet,anditswindowslookedoutontheschool’swell-tended,greenathleticfields.Acircleofemptydeskssatwaitingforus,andshegesturedformetositinone.Shesatandhandedmealetterthatshe’dwrittentome,typedinasmall,single-spacedfont.Itwasthreepageslong.

“Couldyoureadthis?”sheasked.Iwastwenty-fiveyearsoldanddidn’tfeellikeIhadtheauthorityorpower

toaskmydepartmentchairwhetherIcouldreaditbymyselfandthenreconvenetotalk,soIsatandreadtheletterinfrontofher.Itwaspepperedwithphraseslike“Itseemsyou’rebeingself-righteous,”and“There’sabitofarroganceinyourapproach.”Furtheralongintheletter,shewrotethatmyinterestinintroducingnewbooksintothecurriculumwas“bringingdownthemoraleofthedepartment.”

Irememberthinking,“Thisdoesn’tseemright.”Iknewthattheletterhadsomehowshiftedthepowerdynamic;itfeltwrongtobereadingitrightinfrontofherwhenmyunderstandinghadbeenthatwewouldbehavingaconversation.Ialsodidn’tthinkthatwhatwasbeingsaidabouthowIhadintroducednewideaswasfair.AfterIfinishedreadingtheletter,Ifeltmyinsidesshaking.Irealizedthatwhatshehadwrittenwasasubstitutefortruedialogue.

SheaskedmeifIunderstoodwhatshewastryingtosayandIsaidyes,thoughIonlyrespondedthatwaybecauseIwasinshockthatthiswasgoingtobetheextentofourconversation.ShethenexpressedthatshewasnotjustsharingherviewbutthatsomeoftheotherteachersinthedepartmenthadapproachedhersayingtheythoughtIwasbeinginappropriateinaskingforchangestothecurriculum.“Whyhadn’tthoseteacherstalkedtome?”Ithought.IapologizedandsaidthatanyideasIhadsharedore-mailsIhadwrittenwereinthespiritofcreatingdialogueandwerenotmeanttooffendveteranteachers.Afterourmeetingwasover,sheaskedfortheletterback,whichwasyetanotherwayofcontrollingtheentireconversationfrombeginningtoend.

IthinkbackonthismomentalotbecausetherearethingsthatIcouldhavedonedifferently.IwishI’dhadthewherewithalduringthemeetingtosay,“Ishouldreadthisletteronmyownandthengetbacktoyou;also,Iwouldlikeacopy.”Tothisday,Istilldonothaveproofofit!ButIwastooyoungand

scared,stilltryingtonavigatethepoliticsofteaching.I’vealsolearnedthatwhenyou’retryingtochangeaninstitution(likea

school),youhavetofindyourallies,peoplewhoarelike-mindedandshareyourvalues.Thosepeoplearealwaystherebutittakestimetofindthem.Ideally,Ishouldhavepartneredwithaveteranteacher,perhapseveninanotherdepartment,whocoulddemonstratethatIwasn’tjust“thiserrantteacherdoingsomethingonherown,”butinsteadateacherwhowasseekingoutotherstoworkwithininnovativeways.Maybethenthedepartmentchairwouldhaveunderstoodthatothersagreedthatthecurriculumlackedimportantvoices,andmaybeIwouldhaveavoidedthatterriblemomentofsittingdownwithher.Aboutayearafterthatmeeting,Ididfindanally,someoneinthetheaterdepartmentwhobecameaveryimportantpartnerandadvocate.HeandIwoundupteam-teachingclassesandevengotsomewomenplaywrightsintothecurriculumtogether.

Myfiveyearsatthatschoolwerethemostformativeofmyteachingcareer.Icutmyteeththere,learninghowtowriteasyllabusanddesignacourse;Ialsolearnedimportantclassroommanagementstrategies.ButIalsoclosedmyclassroomdoorandintroducedstudentstothetextsIwantedthemtoread—whichmeantthatthesit-downwithmydepartmentchairwasjustthefirstofmanytimesthatIwastoldmycurriculumdidn’talignwiththemissionoftheschool.EventhoughIwaslaterapprovedtoteachacourseonAfricanAmericanandLatinawomenwriters,bythen,Ihadalreadybecomeexhaustedemotionallyandphysically.

Andthere’sanotherlayertothis.Duringthattime,IwasafraidtocomeoutasqueerbecauseIfeltasthoughIwascontinuallyonprobation,asifIwasbeingwatched.AsaLatinateacherinanEnglishdepartment,Iwasalreadysomeonetheschoolculturewasnotusedto;parentsusedtoaskmeifIwastheSpanishteacher.Socomingoutasawomanofcolorwhowasalsoqueerseemeddangerous;Ithoughtitwouldfurtherpushmeintomoreobservationfromtheschoolandintomoreisolationinmyclassroom.Itdidn’tfeelsafetotellcolleaguesIwasqueer,andIworriedthatmystudents—withwhomIhadgreatrelationships—wouldrejectme.Atthesametime,itfeltsohypocritical:mywholemissioninteachingatagirls’schoolwastoempoweryoungwomentounderstandwhotheywereandtobecomeself-actualized,andthereIwasnotmodelingthatforthem.

IbeganajobsearchtofindaplacewhereIcouldbeme,collaboratewithothers,bringmultiplevoicesintothecurriculum,andalsohavesomeautonomy.IfounditatElisabethIrwinHighSchool,inNewYorkCity’sGreenwichVillage.ThehighschoolispartoftheLittleRedSchoolHouse,whichwas

foundedbyafellowSmithalumna,ElisabethIrwin,in1921.ElisabethIrwinwasaprogressiveeducator,amemberofJohnDewey’scircleofforward-mindedteachers,andshewasalsoalesbian.Eventhoughwewereseparatedbyoverahalfcentury,IknewthatheridentityasaprogressivelesbianeducatorwasasignthatIshouldteachatherschool.

OnceIwasworkingthere,Icameout,bitbybit.FirstIwasopenwithafewcolleagues,andtheniteventuallycameupintheclassroombecauseforthefirsttimeinmylife,Iwasmeetingstudentswhowerealreadyout.WhenItaughtaqueerLatinastudentwhoneededsomeonetomentorherbecauseshewasfloundering,Ithought,“Icannotlivealieinfrontofthisstudent.”Teachingherwasanessentialpartofwhatinspiredmetobeawholepersonintheclassroom.

AtElisabethIrwin,I’vehadthechancetocollaboratewithlike-mindedcolleagueswhobelievethatteachinghighschoolisn’tjustaboutinstructingstudentsinskills—althoughthat’sveryimportant—butthatit’salsoaboutgivingthemthetoolstotransformthemselvesandtheworld.It’slife-changingtofindaschoolwhereadministratorsandcolleagueshavefaithinyouandwhereyoucandevelopalevelofcomfortthatallowsyoutothriveasaprofessionalandasawomanwhocanfinallybeself-actualizednotonlyforherselfbutalsoforherstudents.AndIthinkthat’simportanttofind,regardlessofyourcareer—becauseonlywhenyou’recomfortablewithyourselfwillyouthrive.

ILEANAJIMÉNEZ’STIPS

•Realizingthataworkplacemaynotbetherightfitcanbeatryingandevenhurtfulexperience.Thesearchforaplacethatfitmyvaluesinvolvedacombinationofreflectiveworkwithacareercounselorandnetworkingwithotherswhowerealreadyincontextsthatappealedtome.OnceIknewwhatIwaslookingfor,Iwasabletotargetmyresearchaswellasconnectwiththoseinmyfieldwhocouldsupportmyjobsearch,especiallyotherprogressiveteachersandthoseattendingjobfairsforteachersofcolor.

•Alotofyoungpeoplewhowanttodosocialjusticeworkthink,“I’mgoingtoembarkonthisjourneyofchangingtheworldbymyself!”Ittookmesometimetorealizethatthebestworkisdoneincollaboration.

•Findingallieswhoarelike-mindedcansometimesbedaunting.I’vefoundalliesandmentorsbysharingmyworkatconferences,

especiallyonesoutsideofmyfield.Cross-pollinatingindifferentspacesallowsforalargernetworktoemerge,givingrisetounexpectedmentoringandinnovativealliances,includingopportunitiesthatalignwithone’svalues.

•Beingawholepersonatworkiscrucialforfeelingaffirmedandbeingproductive.ForbothpeopleofcolorandLGBTpeopleintheworkplace,feelingsofisolationarenotunusual.FindingprofessionalgroupsandeventsthatfocusonsupportingpeopleofcolorandtheLGBTcommunityhavebeenessentialformsofself-care.

L

LISALUTZ“Itneveroccurredtometotrytowriteaperfectbook,oronethatwasbetterthananotherwriter’sbook.Ijustthought,‘I’mgoingtowriteabook,’andIknewitwouldbeonethatnooneelsecouldwrite,becausenooneelseisme.”

isaLutzislooselycategorizedasacrimewriter,buthermysteriesabouttheSpellmanfamilyarealsoveryfunny.HermostimportantinfluencesarecomedianslikeMelBrooksandSarahSilverman.“WhenIwasachildI

wasalwaysdrawntocomedyandcomedians,andIcontinuetoobsessoverwhateverimpossibleformulaitisthatendswithalaugh,”shetoldCrimespreemag.com.

LutzistheNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthorofTheSpellmanFiles,CurseoftheSpellmans,RevengeoftheSpellmans,TheSpellmansStrikeAgain,TrailoftheSpellmans,TheLastWord,HeadsYouLose(withDavidHayward),andachildren’sbook,HowtoNegotiateEverything(illustratedbyJaimeTemairik).ShehaswontheAlexAwardandhasbeennominatedfortheEdgarAwardforBestNovel.

Lutzneverearnedabachelor’sdegree,eventhoughsheattendedUCSantaCruz,UCIrvine,theUniversityofLeedsinEngland,andSanFranciscoStateUniversity.Shespentmostofthe1990swritingascreenplaycalledPlanB,whichwasamobfarce.(HerSalonarticledetailingthatprocess,“ConfessionsofaHollywoodSellout,”isamust-read.)AfterPlanBwasactuallymadeintoafilmin2000,Lutzknewshewouldneverwriteanotherscreenplay.

LessonsI’veLearnedBeflexibleinthinkingabouthowtouseyourtalents.

Igrewupwithastepdadwhowasahard-ass,thetypeofpersonwhowasactivelycrueltopeoplewhomademistakes.Evenasachild,Irecognizedhow

messedupthatwas.Isawthewaysinwhichheinteractedwithothers,andIthought,“You’remean—andthat’samistake.”Infact,Ilearnedsocialcomportmentbywatchingmyparents’behavioranddecidingtobehaveintheoppositeway.Ididn’tseeanybenefitintryingtogeteverythingjustso,andIsawnotbeingperfectasawaytotakeastandagainsthisseverity:“I’mjustgonnafuckupeverything.”

Sowhilemystepdadcouldhurtmyfeelings,Ididn’tfeelcriticismfromhimorfrommymotherinthewayotherkidsmighthavefromtheirparents.Iknewtheywerecrazy,andsotheycouldn’tflattenmethewayotherpeople(liketeachers)actuallycould.It’spartlybecauseofmyupbringingthatIdon’trelatetothat“perfectgene”thatsomepeoplehave—peoplewhohavetocompleteeverythingontheirto-dolists,oralphabetizetheirbooks.AndIknowthatthewayIamispartlywhathasallowedmetowrite;I’venoticedthatperfectionisticwriterswhoexpecttoomuchfromthemselvescanbecomeparalyzed.Meanwhile,greatthingscancomefrommistakesandfailures,andIcanlooktomyownlifeasanexample:thetotaltrainwreckofmyfirstscreenplayiswhatledtomycurrentcareerasanovelist.

Afterreadingthescriptforafriend’sfilmduringcollege,Iwasinspiredtotrywritingmyown.Igraduatedandkeptwritingscreenplays,workingdayjobstosupportmyself.Oneofthem,PlanB,wasaboutawomanwhoaccidentallygetsinvolvedwiththemob.Everytimeshe’ssupposedtokillsomeone,shedrivesthevictimtoherbrother’shouseinFlorida.AfewyearsafterIgotanagent,therewassomeinterestinthescriptandIoptioneditforonedollartoaproductioncompany,meaningIgavethecompanyexclusiverightstomakeit.Theyhadmerevisethescriptatleasttentimes.Whentheyfinallygotadealtoactuallymakethefilm,Ididtwomorerevisions—onepaidandoneunpaid—butIwasfiredandadifferentscreenwriterwashiredtorevisethescriptyetagain.Evenso,thestudioeventuallydecidedtopass.Myagentkeptshoppingthescriptaround,anditwasfinallyboughtbyanewstudio.Atthispoint,Ihadwrittenatleasttwenty-fivedrafts,whichhadmadethescriptverygood(Ithought).Butthisfinalstudiotookthescriptawayfrommeandbutcheredit;thentheysetabudgetthatwastoolow.Theresultingfilm,madein2000,wasanepicdisaster.

Ithadabriefreleaseintheatersandplayedinacoupleofsmallfestivals,butwhentheHollywoodReportercalleditsdialogue“torturouslyunfunny,”Iknewthatmycareerasascreenwriterwasover.NoonewasgoingtowanttomakeafilmfromsomethingthatIwrote.WhenIconsideredthis,Ifeltbothdeepsorrowandacreepingsenseofrelief.Screenwritinghadbeenmyvocation,andlettinggoofitfeltlikearealloss;ontheotherhand,herewasanopportunitytothink

morebroadlyaboutwhatIwasgoingtodowithmylife.Ibegantalkingtopeopleaboutmynextstep,andonewasafriendwho

workedinmarketingatPenguinBooks.ShereadwhatIthoughtwasactuallymybestscreenplay—TheSpellmanFiles—andlovedit.“Whydon’tyouwritethisasanovel?”sheasked.

Ithadn’toccurredtome,butIdecidedtogiveitashot,becauseIhadrunoutofoptions.Essentially,Iwroteanovelasalastresort.Istartedthebookwhileworkingasasecretaryatmyuncle’sCPApractice.(Duringtaxseason,Iliterallystapledforaliving.)Butworkingfull-timemadewritinganovelfeellikeaninsurmountabletask,soIendedupsavingsomemoneyandmyrelativesletmeborrowtheiremptyhouseinupstateNewYork.IdrovethereinSeptemberandreturnedinAprilwithanovel.Becausethereweresomanyrulesinscreenwriting,IdecidedthatwhenIwrotethenoveltherewouldbenorules.IfiguredifIcouldgetthereadertoturnthepage,Iwasdoingmyjob.IjustwantedtowritethemostengagingbookIcould.Thisfreedmetothinkbeyondtraditionalnovelstructure.There’snothingaboutTheSpellmanFilesthatistraditional.Itdoesn’tfitproperlyintoagenre:itincludeslists,transcripts,dossiers,andfootnotes.IrememberwhenIwaswritingthebook,Ifeltabitunhinged,butalsoalive.

Tomypleasure,TheSpellmanFileswasasuccess,becomingaNewYorkTimesbestseller.Mypublisherarrangedforahugebooktour,andIwasinvitedtospeakallovertheworld.Iwassousedtofailurewiththescreenplaysthatitnever,everoccurredtomeI’dwakeuponedaywithsixnovelsundermybelt.Somedays,Istillfeellike,“Howdidthishappen?”

Prepareforpublicspeakingevents.Ifyoudon’tknowhowtoworkacrowd,thengethelp!

IknewthatIwassupposedtobeexcitedaboutmyveryfirstbooktour,butIdreadedit.Ididn’ttellanyonebecauseIknewIwasluckytogetthisbookdealandwantedtodowhatevermypublisherasked,butIrememberjuststaringintomyemptysuitcase,thinkingthatIhadnoideahowtodressforaspeechIhadtogivewithseveralotherwritersinfrontoftheJuniorLeagueinVirginia.

NotonlydidIhavenoideawhattowear,Ihadnoideawhattotalkabout.WhenIhadaskedmypublicistwhatthespeechshouldbeabout,she’dbasicallysaid,“Whatever.”Sheseemedtothinkitwasobvious,buttome,itwasn’t.Whydidpeoplewanttohearmetalkinthefirstplace?Andwhatdidtheywantto

know?Iwentwithwhatwasforemostinmymindandwroteaspeechaboutnothavingaspeech,evenaddingthelittlestoryaboutaskingforhelpandnotgettingany.Ituckedthespeechintomysuitcase,stillfeelingthatitwasn’tquiteit,andboardedtheflighttoVirginia.

Thatnight,therewasadinnerforthepanelists,agroupofseasonedwriters.ItturnedoutthatIwastheonlyauthortouringforherfirstbook,andasIsatatthedinnertablelisteningtothemdiscussthespeechestheyweregoingtogive,Istoppedchewingmyfood.Iwasunabletomove,eventoliftmyfork.“Oh,no,”Ithought.“Oh,no.”MyheartwasbeatingrapidlyandIrealizedthatIwashavingacompletepanicattack.

Someonelookedoveratmeandasked,“Lisa,areyouokay?”Iwhispered,“Iwasjustgoingtotalkaboutnothavingaspeech.”

Immediately,everyoneatthetablegotquiet.Clearly,thiswasn’tgoingtofly.“Thisiswhatpeoplewanttoknow,”saidSteveRoberts,areporter(and

CokieRoberts’shusband),whowasgoingtobeemceeingtheeventthenextday.“What’syourwritingprocesslike?Howdidyougethere?”Heaskedthosequestionsasiftheywerenobigdeal,asiftheanswerswereonthetipofmytonguealready.Theyweren’t.Stevetoldmetogotomyroomthatnightandworkonthespeechandhe’dcoachmethenextday.

Isatatthetinyhotelroomdesk,scrawlingonayellowlegalpadasthedigitalclockclickedtoeleven,thentwelve,thenone.FinallyIhadwhatIthoughtwasadraftofanactualspeech.

Inthemorning,Stevekindlysatwithmeovercoffeeinthediningroom,lookingoverwhatI’dwritten,offeringsuggestions—cutthis,youneedalittlemoreofthat.Hetoldmewhatwasfunny—IhadashortanecdoteabouttheancienthouseIlivedin,whichwaswhereI’dwrittenthebook,andhesuggestedIaddmore.Iwentbacktomyhotelroomandrewroteitagain.

Andsuddenlyitwastime.Thepanelistsgatheredbackstage,andthenwewereusheredon.WhenIsawthesizeoftheaudience,Ispunaroundandstartedwalkingbackout:thereweresixteenhundredpeoplesittingthere.AnaudienceoffiftywasthelargestI’dspokentoonmytour,andthatwasbecausemyfamilyandeveryoneIknewhadcometoseemeatabookstoreinL.A.EventhenI’dbeennervous,butthiswashorrendous.Iremembertwoofthewritersjustgrabbingmeandturningmeback,saying,“You’vegottodothis.”

Buthere’stheamazingthing.Igavethespeechanditwentwell.WhileIwastalking,Iwasn’treallynervous;infact,IfoundthatIactuallylikedtellingthesepeopleabouthowI’dbecomeawriter.Theywereclearlytunedin,enthusiasticaboutmeandaboutmybook.Plus,myroadtoauthorshipwasatrueunderdogstoryandpeopletendtorespondtothatsortofthing.

Sincethen,publicspeakinghasbeenamixedbagforme.WhenI’monpanelswithotherauthors,they’resometimesverygenerousandsometimesnot;sometimesthemoderatorisgreatandsometimesnot.Therecanbeasenseofcompetitiononpanels,whichIdon’tlike,andIoftenfeelasifI’mtheleasteloquentonesoIendupjustgettingreallyquiet.ButI’vefiguredoutthatmyfavoritewaytospeakwithanaudienceistobeasinformalaspossible.WhenIputmyselfintheirshoes,Ithink:“WouldIwanttobetrappedinaroom,listeningtometalk?”Eventhebestpublicspeakerscanbecomeboring.IfIengagetheaudience,evengoingrighttoQ&A,itkindofshakesthingsup.There’sasenseofnotknowingwhat’sgoingtohappen,andforsomereasonthatmakesmefeellessnervous.

Ithinkthataudiences“get”thatI’mcomfortableenoughwithmyselftoallowforsomeopennessinmyconversationswiththem,andtheygenerallyrespondwell.I’mgladthatIwasalsocomfortableenoughtoletgoofscreenplaysandtrymyhandinaformataboutwhichIreallyknewnothing.It’swhatledtomysuccessasawriter.Ingeneral,alotofgoodcancomefromnotneedingtobeincontrolofeverything.Iwouldencourageeveryyoungwomantofindatleastonebeautifullymuckyplaceinwhichyou’renottheexpert—andthentowadein.

LISALUTZ’STIPS

•Whenitcomestopublicspeaking,themostimportantthingtorememberisthatpeopledon’tcometowatchyoufail.Caremoreaboutthesubjectthanyourego.

•Peoplearecomfortablewithotherswhoareopenabouttheirflaws,whodon’ttrytopretendtobemorethantheyare.It’seasiertogothroughlifebeinghonestandowninguptoyourless-thanqualitiesthanfakingit.

K

KIMGORDON“Asawoman,you’reinaconstantstateof‘catchingup.’IfeltlikethisbecauseIhadacareerandachild,butalsobecauseeventhoughIwasplayingmusic,Ihavealwaysthoughtofmyselfasavisualartist.”

imGordoninvitedmetoconductourinterviewinherroomyoldhouseonaquietstreetinNorthampton,Massachusetts.Icameinthroughthebackdoorandporch,whereGordonshushedtwobarkingmutts.Sittingata

tableinfrontofalight-filledbaywindow,shebegantheconversationon“mistakes”bysayingshe’djustbeenthinkingaboutthepressurethatwomencanfeel“todoeverything.”Gordonwouldknow—shehascertainlydonealot.

KimGordonbecameknownforbeingpartofthebandSonicYouthwithherformerhusband,ThurstonMoore.AnearlyreviewintheNewYorkTimesdescribedthebandbysaying,“SonicYouthtearsrockapartfromtheinsideout,”thatit“simplyignoreseveryoneelse’srules.”Seeminglywithoutthinkingmuchofit,Gordongraduallybecamearolemodelforawholegenerationofgirlsandyoungwomen—andboysandyoungmen,forthatmatter—whowantedtocreatemusicoutsideoftheconfinesoftraditionalrock’n’roll.Shedidn’tstartplayingbassuntilshewasinherlatetwenties;nowshe’sheldupasoneofthefemaleiconsof1990s-erarockmusic,andalthoughinrecentyearshermarriageendedandSonicYouthdisbanded,Gordonhascontinuedtomakebothmusicandart.WithcollaboratorBillNacesheformedBody/HeadandreleasedanalbumcalledComingApartin2013;she’salsoworkingonamemoir.

LessonsI’veLearnedEvenwhenyou’recertainofyourpathfromayoungage,it’sgoodtobeopentoopportunityandpossibility—andtotheideathathavingacareerdoesn’thavetomeandoingonethingforyourwholelife.

Alotofpeopleinhighschoolorcollegedon’tknowwhattheywanttodo;Ialwaysdid.Infact,anoldfriendofmyparentssaysthatI’mexactlythesamepersonasIwaswhenIwasfiveyearsold,makinglittleclayelephants.Ialwayswantedtobeanartist,eventhoughIdidn’treallyknowwhatthatmeant.

Intheearly1980s,IcametoNewYorktodoart.Igotajobatagalleryandwitnessedwhatwasreallyanartexplosion.Suddenlyalotofpeoplewerebuyingpiecesfromtheseyoungartists,whowerelikerockstars.IsoonrealizedthatIdidn’tlikebeinginthatworld,whereartwasbecomingahigh-endconsumerobjectbeingsoldtowealthypeople.There’snothingwrongwiththatinitself,butwhenyou’remakingart,itcanfeeldisheartening.

Afriend,DanGraham,introducedmetomusic.Danwasamusiccriticandanartist,andthroughhimIlearnedabouttheNoWavemovement,whichwasdissonant,expressionisticmusic.Itwasinfluencedbyminimalismandwasmorenihilisticthanpunkrock.Danencouragedmetowrite,andIwrotethisveryshortessay,“TrashDrugsandMaleBonding,”foramagazinecalledRealLife.Theessaywasaboutthephenomenonofmalemusiciansbeingintoadrugcalled“lockerroom,”whichwasreallyjustamylnitrate.They’dtakeahitandthendoubledownontheguitarinthisminimalistway,andIwantedtodescribethatInoticeditaffordedthemacertainkindofcamaraderie.Ingeneral,playingmusichasoftenallowedmentoshowtheirfemaleside;IthinkofMickJaggerprancingaroundthestagelikeTinaTurner,forexample,insuchanemotionalandexpressiveway.

IwouldgowithDantoseeshows,butsoonIstartedtothinkthatI’dliketobemoreinthemiddleofitinsteadofbeingavoyeur.ItseemedveryfreeandIthought,“Icandothat.”Istartedplayingmusicwithfriendsandaround1981,Daninvitedmetoplayinaperformancepiecethathewasdoing:withamirroronstage,Danwoulddescribetheaudiencelookingathimanddescribehimselflookingattheaudience.Becausehewaswritingmusiccriticismaboutall-girlgroups,hewantedonetoactuallybeinthepieceandaskedmeifI’djoinsomefemalefriendsofhistodothat.Isaidyes.HeintroducedmetoChristineandMiranda,andafterwewereinhisshowattheICAinBoston,wekeptgettingtogethertoplaymusic.MirandaintroducedmetoThurstonMooreandwesoonformedSonicYouth.

Initially,IwasinspiredbyallthewomeninthepunkandNoWavescenesinthelateseventies.Intheeighties,thereweren’talotofwomeninmusic,butIwasatomboyandusedtobeingaroundguys,soIdidn’treallythinkaboutitmuch.WhenwestartedtouringinEngland,peoplewouldaskwhatitwaslikeformetobetheonlywomaninSonicYouth,andIthought,“Well,it’snotlikeI’minabandwithabunchofsmellyjocksorfratguys.”

MyroleinSonicYouthwasuniquepartlybecauseIwasn’taperformerinthewaythatotherpunkmusicianswere.InEnglandespecially,theyeachhadapunkpersonaexpressedbyonestyleoroutfit—almostdressingascharacters.SiouxsieSioux,forexample,was“witchy.”EvenPattiSmithwassomewhatstylizedinthissortofspiritualway.Ithoughttheywereamazing,butIhadcomefromamiddle-classbackground,andformebeinginSonicYouthwasreallyaboutthemusicandabouthavingapresenceonstage.IcametounderstandthatIdidn’thavetobesomefreakazoidtobeaperformerorasinger;Icouldjustbeagirlandthatwasenough.Somy“persona”wasjustme,andwhileI’minterestedintherelationshipbetweentheperformerandtheaudience,I’vealwaysbeenconsciousaboutnotwantingtoexploitthat.Itwasenoughtobethereinthemiddleofthings,withtheelectricityswarmingaroundme.

Lookingback,IthinkthatIwentintomusicpartlytoescapetheartworld—sothatIwouldn’thavetobuyintotheideaofwhata“successfulartist”mustbe.Music,andespeciallythemusicthatIgotinvolvedwith,actuallyseemedlikeafreerformofexpression.Ididn’treallyhaveanyknowledgeaboutit;I’dinternalizedsomethingfrommyrecordcollectionbutmyunderstandingofmusicjustwasn’t“studied,”soIwasabletoworklessconceptuallythanIdidasanartist,andlessself-consciously.

Ihavebeenabletohaveacertainartpractice,andnowthatSonicYouthisover,Icandevotemyselftoitmorefully.Alotofpaintershaveacertainthingtheydothat’srecognizable,andthentheydevelopitandmorphit.I’mnotreallyinterestedinthat.Icouldunderstandmakingaseriesofpiecesthataresimilar,butIcouldn’tseeconfiningmyselftomyonerecognizable“thing.”I’minterestedinartthatlookslikeamistake—forexample,paintingsthataresortofbaggy,orpiecesthatdon’tevenlooklikeart—becausethenit’smoreabouttheprocessandmeaningoftheworkandlessabout“makinganartobject,”whichalmostseemstomelikedoingartsandcrafts,atthispoint.It’sreallyhardtomakeapaintingthatjustkindofbreaksthroughandhassomefreshenergy—thathassomethingconceptualgoingon,separatefromthevisualnicenessofit.SonicYouthhadsomeculturalsignificance,andit’shardtomakeartwiththesamekindofsignificance—butinaway,that’smygoal.

Still,it’snoteasytomakepeoplesetasidethatpartofmycareerinawaythatallowsmetobetakenseriously,sothatmyartisn’tjustanaccessorytomylifeinSonicYouth.Peoplearealwaystryingtoputmeinshowswithothermusicianswhodoartorsomething—why?Idon’tevenlikeplayinginfestivalswithotherbandsunlessIreallylikethem.SoI’mstilltryingtonavigatethat,tofigureoutawaytouseitasasubjectmatter.I’mnotaconventionalperson,andultimatelyIdidn’twantaconventionalartcareer.Beinginabiggalleryisnot

themostimportantthingtomenow.Ithastobetherightgallery.Ithastobetherightcontext.Iwanttotreatmyartthewaywetreatedourmusiccareer.

Tryingtomaintaintwocareers,visualartandmusic,andtobeamotheratthesametime,alwaysfeltkindofimpossible.Whenyou’refeelingthatyoucanandshoulddoeverything,thenyouneverfeellikeyou’regoingtoachieveanything.Ithinkwhatkeptmegoingwasthisdeepunderstandingthatitwasn’tgoingtobeperfect,andthatitdidn’thavetobe.

KIMGORDON’STIPS

•Knowthatevenifyoustartoutwithacertainideaofwhatyou’regoingtodoinyourlife,almostnooneendsupfollowingthatstraightline.

•Theideaof“work-lifebalance”isnotnecessarilyhelpful.Ifyouareimmersedinyourworkandraisingafamily,youmightfeelalotofgoodthings—butitmaynotinclude“balanced.”

•Youdon’thavetothink,“Idothisforworkandwillalwaysdoit.”Careersarelong,andtheyevolveandchangeovertime.That’sactuallyagoodthing.

F

RESHMASAUJANI“Afteryouhaveamajorfailure,thereisarecoverytime.Idon’twanttobeunrealisticandsayIwokeupthedayaftermycongressionallossandwas,like,‘Great,ontothenextthing.’Failuresarehardonthesoul,andIthinkyouhavetotakestepstoemotionallyandphysicallyrecover.Onethingthat’simportantforus—womenandmen—istoreallyknowyourselfandyourcommitments.Mycallingispublicservice,butIwasn’telectedrightaway,andthat’sokay.Idon’tthinkanythinghasevercomeeasyforme.Whenthat’sthecase,youappreciatethevictorysomuchmore.”

ightingforsocialjusticewasathemeinReshmaSaujani’slifefromayoungage.HerfamilylivedinUgandawhenshewasayoungchild;asshetellsthestory,onedayIdiAmincameontheradioandtoldalltheIndians

thattheyhadninetydaystoleave.TheUnitedStateswastheonlycountrythatwouldacceptherfamilyaspoliticalrefugees,andtheycametotheirnewhomewithnothing.

TheymovedtotheMidwest,becomingoneofthefewIndianfamiliesinatownwherediscriminationwaspartoftheundercurrentofeverydayexperience.Shestarteddoingantibiasworkatthirteenandcontinuedthroughcollege,whereshewasapartofagroupthatadvocatedforanAsianAmericanculturalstudiescenter,andYaleLawSchool;upongraduation,sheworkedforBillClinton’s1996campaign.

In2002,SaujanimovedtoNewYorkandworkedasanattorneybydaybutalsotookpartinacampaigntomobilizevoterregistrationforSouthAsians.Shedecidedtopursuepublicoffice,andalthoughshedidn’twinherfirstcampaigns—arunforCongressandasubsequentbidfortheroleofpubilcadvocate—shemadesuretocreateacontextinwhichrealsocialchangecouldhappen.GirlsWhoCodeisthenonprofitthatshestarted,onherown,becauseshedidn’twantlow-incomegirlstobeleftbehindasNewYorkCitydrewmoreandmoretechcompanies—alongwiththejobstheycreated.Shetalksoftenwiththesegirlsaboutthevalueoftakingrisks.

LessonsI’veLearnedTakecontrolofthestorythatyouwanttotellaboutyourself.

IranforCongressin2009andwasfortunatetohaveagreatgroupofyoungpeopleworkingonmycampaign.Onthenightoftheelection,Isatinmyhotelroomwiththisgroup,includingayoungwomannamedRebecca,whowasinherearlytwentiesandhadbeenatravelingcampaignmanagersincethebeginning.WewereoptimisticatfirstaswewatchedtheresultscomeinonTV;infact,IfeltsoconfidentthatIhadn’tevenwrittenaconcessionspeech.Asthenightworeon,hopefaded.Itwasclearfromthenumberscomingbackfromthepollingbooththatitwasn’tgoingwell,andIrememberoneofmystafferssaying,“We’regoingtohavetowriteaspeech.”ItoldhimthatIthoughtwestillhadachance,butinsideIwantedtocry.TheonlythingthatkeptmefromdoingsowaslookingoveratRebecca,andthinkingthatshejustmightrememberthismomentfortherestofherlife.Iwantedtobeamodelofstrengthandresilience,soIaskedhertobringmesomepaperandapenandwrotemyspeech.Attheconcessionparty,Ikeptittogether.I’dreceivedonly19percentofthevote,butItoldthecrowdthatIwasproudtohavetheirsupportandthatIwasn’tgoingtogiveup.“Weranagainsttheestablishment,didwhatnobodythoughtweshoulddo,”Itoldthem.“Regardlessoftheoutcome,allofusarevictorious.”

TheminuteIgothome,though,Iallowedmyselftofeeldevastated.Ihadputmypersonalsavingsintotherace,andnowIwasbroke.IhadmadecommitmentstovotersaboutwhatIwasgoingtodointhecommunity,andnowIfeltlikeIhadletthemdown.Itwassuchapublicfailure,andmeanwhile,Ihadn’tmadeaplanB.SoItoldmyselfthatIhadtwoweekstofeelupsetaboutit,toaskmyselfwhy,toharasseverybodyinmylifetoanalyzewhathadhappened.Itwashelpfultosetatimelineforobsessing,toallowmyselftheindulgenceandthencommittomovingforward.

Afteraboutsixweeksorso,Ibegantospeakonpanelsandtoaudiencesaboutmyfailure.Ijustdon’tthinkthatwemodelthatvulnerabilityforyoungpeopleasmuchasweneedto.It’simportantforpeopletoseethatyoucanpickyourselfupandmoveon.Oftentimes,especiallyforwomen,they’lllosearaceandthenthey’rejustnevergoingtorunagain,butIhadmadeacommitmenttomyselfthatIwasnotgoingtodothat.IwasgoingtotakethestepsthatwerenecessaryformetoemotionallygetintothisspacethatIwouldrunagain.

AsIreflectedonwhathadgonewrong,IrealizedthatmynarrativeandwhoIwashadgottenlostduringmycampaign.BecauseIhadspenttimeworkingas

alawyerforthefinancialservicesindustry,Ihadbecomeknownas“theWallStreetcandidate.”Meanwhile,therealityisthatI’mthedaughterofpoliticalrefugeeswhocametotheUnitedStateswithnothing,andIgraduatedfromlawschoolwithtwohundredthousanddollarsinstudentloans.EventhoughI’dalwaysknownIwantedtogointoservice,aseriesofearlyjobsonWallStreethelpedtopayoffthatdebt(andmyparents’mortgage).Thisstorywouldhaveresonatedwithalotofpeople,butitgotlost.Partofthatwasduetothesocialandpoliticalclimate:thefinancialcrisishadjusthappened,andhereIwas,acandidatewhohadworkedonWallStreet—ofcoursetheconversationwouldcometobeaboutthat.IfIcoulddoitoveragain,I’dbemorecognizantofhowmybackgroundcouldbemisconstrued.

Myreallifenarrativewasmissing,inpart,becauseIwasinsucharushtodomyfirstinterviewthatIdidn’tstoptoreflectonwhatwasimportantforpeopletoknowaboutme—whichwouldhaveallowedmetotakecontrolofmystory.Ididn’texplainthatmytimeinthefinancialservicesindustrywasn’tbecauseIaspiredtobetheCEOofabank;itwasbecauseIaspiredtobeinpublicservicebutcouldn’taffordtofollowthetraditionallockstepmodelofgoingintopolitics.Ajobasajuniorstafferforapoliticianwouldn’thaveallowedmetopayoffmystudentloandebt;youhavetocomefromfinancialstabilitytodothat.Ihadn’tfeltcomfortabletellingpeoplethatIwasn’tfromthatplace,whichwasamissteponmybehalf.

WhenIsharemystorynow,youngpeopleoftencomeupandtellmethatthey’reinthesamesituation:Theywanttodosocialjusticeworkorserveingovernment,butthey’rebrokeorindebtortheyfeelanobligationtohelptheirfamiliesgettosolideconomicground.Theyaskwhethergoingintotheprivatesectorforawhilewillpreventthemfromdoingwhattheywantlaterinlife,andItellthemthatbeingabletoaccuratelytalkaboutwhyyoutookthetwistsandturnsisreallyimportant.

Findawaytoworktowardyourgoal,evenifit’snotthewayyouthoughtyou’ddoit.

EvenwithinthefirstweekafterIlost,IknewthatIwantedtocontinueinpublicservice;Ijustdidn’tknowwhatformitwouldtake.IstartedthinkingaboutopportunitiesthatwereopenformetocontinuetheworkthatIhadstarted,andwithinafewmonthsIwashiredtobethedeputypublicadvocateofNewYorkCity.Thepublicadvocatepromotesgovernmentaccountabilityandengagesthe

publicinmakingitsneedsknown.Withinmynewrole,Isoonsawaproblem:NewYorkCitychildrenin

publicschooldidnothaveproperaccesstoandtrainingintechnology.Forgirls,especially,thestatisticsweregrim,withlowpercentagespursuingtecheducationincollegeandbeyond.Idecidedtostartanot-for-profitcalledGirlsWhoCode,whichteachescomputersciencetoteenagegirlsfromNewYorkCity’sfiveboroughs.GirlsWhoCodewantstoensurethatthenextgenerationofwomenhasthenecessaryskillstogointohigh-payingindustriestomovethemselvesandtheirfamiliesforward.

AsIwasworkingtogetGirlsWhoCodeupandrunning,Iwasalsofallinginlovewiththeroleofpublicadvocate,apositionthathasthecapacitytomakerealchangeinpeople’slives.Idecidedtorunforthatofficetwoyearsaftermycongressionalloss,butthistime,toputitalloutthere.Itwasn’teasytotelleveryonethatIhadalotofstudentloandebt,andthatIhadmyfamilytotakecareof,butthehopewasthatitwouldresonateinameaningfulwayforpeople.Evenmyclothesweredifferentthesecondtimearound:in2010,Iworeboxysuitsandkeptmyhairinaponytailbecauseadviserssaidthatitwasimportantnottodrawattentiontohowyoulook.Itwasconfining,becauseifIthendressedmorelikemyselfduringaninterview,thatseemedtodistractthereporter.ANewYorkTimesarticleoncementionedmyshoes,forexample,andalthoughmyimmediatethoughtwas,“Oh,myGod,Ican’tbelieveIbroketherules,Ishouldhavedressedmoreconservatively,”IthinktherealtakeawaywasthatIshouldhavejustbeenmethewholetime.Iwasmoremyselfduringthe2013race,andwhilewedidn’twin,authenticitymattered:ourshowingwassignificantlystronger,andwelearnednewlessonsthatwe’lltakeintothenextendeavor.

Whenyouhavemajorsetbacks,youironicallybegintofeellikeyoucandoanythingbecausetheworsthasalreadyhappenedandyou’renolongerparalyzedbythefearofsomethingnotworkingout.IfIhadn’trunforoffice,IwouldneverbewhereIamnow,thefounderofasuccessfulnonprofit.That’swhyItellyoungpeopletofailfast,failhard,andfailoften.

RESHMASAUJANI’STIPS

•Weshouldbeabletotakenewdirectionsinwork.Onewayofsmoothingthepathforacareerchangeistotakecontrolofyourownnarrative.IoftentalkabouthowI’vehadseveralcareersalready,butmymissionhasalwaysbeenthesame.

•Alossinarunforpublicoffice—orinanysituationwhereyou’recompetingforajob—isn’tnecessarilyindicativeofhowyou’ddothatjob,anditdoesn’tmeanyoushouldn’tkeeptryingforit.It’sthesameaswhenyou’restartingacompanyandaskingforinvestment:Ifyourfirstcompanydoesn’tworkout,doesthatmeanthatyoucan’tstillbeanentrepreneurorhaveasuccessfulbusiness?No!

I

CHERYLSTRAYED“Beingawritermeansfailingeveryday.Itmeansfollowingthewrongpathinordertofindtherightone.DoyouknowhowmanypagesI’vewrittenthatwillneverbepublishedanywhere?”

nMarch2012,IwasreadingtheNewYorkTimesandcameacrossaglowingreviewofanewmemoircalledWildbytheauthorCherylStrayed.Thereviewer,DwightGarner,saidthatthebookhadmadehimweepashesat

readinginacafébutthatitwasnotcloying.“Thisbook,”hewrote,“isaslooseandsexyanddarkasanearlyLucindaWilliamssong.It’sgotapunkspiritandmakesanearthyandAmericansound.”Ihadtogooutandbuyitimmediately,andthenIcouldn’tputitdown.Apparently,alotofotherpeoplecouldn’tputdowntheircopies,either;initsdebutweekinMarch2012,Wildwasalreadynumbersevenonthenationalbestsellerlist.ByJune,ithadbecomeanOprahpickandshottonumberone.

Wild,whichtellsthestoryofCherylStrayed’shikealonealongthePacificCrestTrail,wastheauthor’ssecondbook;herfirstwasawell-receivednovel,Torch.StrayedisalsotheauthorofTinyBeautifulThings,acollectionofthepopularDearSugaradvicecolumnthatshewrotefortheRumpus.

AlthoughStrayedhadthekindofover-the-topsuccessthatmanyauthorsonlydreamabout,sheseemsbothincrediblygenerousandgrounded.HerFacebookpageisfilledwithsupportiveplugsforwriterfriendsandcolleagueswithnewbooksorupcomingreadings.BecauseIwassoinlovewithherbook,Ithought,“Itneverhurtstoask,”andinvitedhertocontributetomine.Shewrotebackalmostimmediately,sayingyes.

LessonsI’veLearnedListentoyourgut.

ThebesttraditionaljobIeverhad,bywhichImeanIworkedforsomebodyand

theypaidme,waswhenIwasayouthadvocateforat-riskgirlsinamiddleschool.I’dbeenawaitressforyearsinordertopaythebills,writingontheside,andI’dgottentoapointwhereIwasbecomingangryandbitterabouthavingtoservepeoplefoodwhenmytrueambitionswereasawriter.IdecidedIneededajobthatwasactuallyrewarding,andinworkingwiththesegirlsIgotthat.Iwasnotonlydoingworkthatwasenjoyabletome,butIwasalsochangingpeople’slives.Imean,Icouldseeit:Iwasactuallycontributingtosocietyingeneralandtheseyoungwomeninparticularbyhelpingthemgetonabetterpath.NurturingthemwassomethingIdeeplybelievedin.Yet,allthewhileIhadaterriblefeelinginmygut.I’dthink,“Yeah,yeah,thisisgreat,butIreallyshouldbewriting.WhatItrulyhavetogivetheworldismywriting.”Itwasinstructivetoknowthateventhoughworkingwiththosegirlswasprettymuchasgoodasitgetsprofessionally—intermsofsatisfaction—Istillwasn’tdoingtherightthingforme,personally.

Itwasthatjobthatledmetofinallysay,“Okay,I’mgoingtohavetodowhateverittakestobeawriterfull-time.”IappliedtoanMFAprogram,quitmyjob,andmovedacrossthecountrytowriteandattendSyracuseUniversity.Ingraduateschool,Iwrotemyfirstbook,Torch.EvenafterI’dsoldit,Istillneededtotakejobsformoney,butatthatpoint,theywerejobsrelatedtowriting,amixofteachingandfreelancingformagazines.Recognizingwhatwasmostimportanttomehadhelpedtosetmeonapaththatfeltright.

Whenyoudon’tconnectwiththeworkthatyou’redoing,itcanfeelnearlyimpossibletogetitdone.

ThelessonI’velearnedoverandoveragainasawriteristhatmyworkhastocomefromanauthenticplace.It’simpossibleformetofakeitonthepage.Thisisn’ttosayI’veneverhadtopushmyselftowriteaboutsomethingthatdoesn’tcomeparticularlyeasilytome—doingsoiscertainlypartofbeingawriter.ButI’velearnedthatIcan’tpretendIhavesomethingtosaywhenIdon’t.ThiswasmadedeeplyapparenttomeseveralyearsagowhenIacceptedanassignmentfromAlluremagazinetowriteaboutmy“signaturescent.”Signaturescent?Ididn’tevenknowwhatthatwas,soIcertainlydidn’thaveone.Perfumemakesmequeasy.ButIwasbrokeandthejobpaidwellsoIsaidyes.

ImmediatelyIwentofftofindmyselfasignaturescent.Iwenttoastorethatspecializesinjustthisthing—inmatchingpeoplewiththeperfectcologneorperfume.IwalkedinandtoldthewomanbehindthecounterthatIneededtofind

afragranceIcouldlove.AsIsampledthisandthat,IpretendedIdidn’tfeellikeIwasabouttopuke.AfterthirtyminutesImademychoice,paidfortheperfumewithmyalmost-at-the-limitcreditcard,andwenthometomyhusbandandnewbornson.AssoonasIwalkedthroughthedoor,myhusbandmadeaterriblefaceandaskedwhatIwaswearing.“Mynewsignaturescent,”Irepliedandsmiled.

Iworetheperfumeeverydayforthenextseveraldays,tryingtofallinlovewithitsoIcouldwritehonestlyabouthowmuchitmeanttome,butitwasalie.IdidnothaveasignaturescentandIneverwould.Icouldn’tbringmyselftopretend,nomatterhowmanydollarsIreceivedforeachword.IflailedandIflounderedandthenfinallyIdecidedtodowhatIdobestinmywriting:tellthetruth.Iwroteaboutmyrelationshiptofragrancesovertheyears,mychildhoodlongingforthemthatgavewaytomyadultdisdain.MyessayculminatedinthefactthatIdon’thaveasignaturescent,butIhappilycarrytheodorsofmyordinarylife—thesmellsofchildren’shairorthehandsoapIuse,thelavenderthatgrowsinmyyard.

Iwasabletosalvagethepiecewhileholdingontomyintegrity.Itwasabiglessonforme.Whenyou’retakingajobbecauseyouneedthemoney,atleastwhenitcomestowriting,youstillhavetobeabletosincerelyapplyyourselftotheassignment.Weallneedtopaythebills—that’spartoflife.Butwealsoneedtoacknowledgethatwhenataskfeelssowrongit’sparalyzing,that’simportantinformationtobeawareof.Sometimesitmeanswesimplyneedtobecreativewithintheconfinesoftheassignment,asIwaswhenwritingthatessayaboutmynonexistentsignaturescent.Othertimes,itmeansthatweneedtofinddifferentwork.

Feedbackisscary,butitmakesyourworkbetter.

Thewritingthat’sbeenmostlucrativeforme,themostsuccessfulbyanymeasure,isthewritingthatIwould’vedoneevenifithadneverbeenpublishedorpurchasedbyanyone.IwaspaidnothingfortheDearSugarcolumn—whichbecamethebookTinyBeautifulThings—butIlovedwritingit.Mynovel,Torch,andmemoir,Wild,werebothwrittenwithnoguaranteethatI’dbepaidforthem.I’dhavewrittenthemevenifnoonehadoptedtopublishthem.They’vebroughtmesuccessIwouldn’thaveimagined;IboughtahouserecentlyandeverypennyofitwaspaidforbyWild.MyhusbandandIwerestunned.Wekeptsayingtoeachother,“What?Howdidthathappen?”Inthearts,youneedto

learnnottoexpectthatsuccesswillequalmoney.TherewerewholeyearswhenIwaswritingmyfirsttwobooksduringwhichmyhusbandandIqualifiedforfoodstamps,eventhoughwedidn’tapplyforthem.Wewereconstantlyunderfinancialpressure—he’sanartist,too,afilmmaker.Unlessyouhavesomeoneelsesupportingyou,youhavetobepreparedtotakerisks,financialandotherwise.

Makingacommitmenttowritingorartrequirestakingthelongview.Youhavetosay,“Okay,it’snotpayingthisweekorthismonth,oreventhisyear,butifIstickwithitmaybesomedayitwill.”Youhavetoaskyourselfwhatacareerintheartslookslikeovertenyearsortwentyyears.Andeventhenyoudon’tknow.Theonlypathtosuccessiskeepingthefaith.

Akeypieceofkeepingthefaithhastodowithdealingwithrejection.It’sapartofanyprofessioninthearts,allalongtheway.It’snotlikeyougetrejectedatthebeginningofyourcareerandthenyouachievethisstatewhereeverythingyoudoisgreetedwithapplause.Therewillalwaysbesomethingyoudidn’tgetthatyouwanted,somerecognitionorprizeoraward.Evenwhenthingsaren’trejected,youhavetoendureasensethatallmayhavefailed.You’realwaysstartinganew,witheverybookoressayorstory.Doubtisapartofthewriter’slife.EverytimemyDearSugarcolumnwouldgoupontheWeb,I’dwonder,“Isthisonegoingtobetheonethatmakeseveryonesay,‘Yousuck.You’reterrible’?”WithbothTorchandWild,whenIsentthemofftomyeditor,Iwassickwithfearandanxietyanduncertainty.Inbothcases,theeditorcamebackandsaid,“Overall,it’sgreat—buthereareallthethingsthataren’tgreataboutit,thingsyoushouldreconsiderorthataren’tworking.”That’swhateditorsdo—it’stheirjobtohelpusmakeourworkbetter.

Therevisionprocessishumblingbecauseyoumustlistentopeoplewhoaretellingyouhonestlywhattheythinkofthisworkyou’vepouredyourwholeheartintoandsometimesspentyearsproducing.It’sverystressfulandsometimeshurtful,too,butreceivingcriticismispartofthewriter’sjob.Youhavetolearnhownottobedefeatedbyalongeditorialletteroutliningallthethingsaneditorfindsfaultwith—“Idon’tthinkthissceneisworking”or“You’vegonetoofarhere.”Andthere’sanextralayerofvulnerabilitywhenthebookisamemoirbecausethere’snohiding.It’saboutyou.CherylStrayedinWildisaliteraryconstruct,sure,butshe’sstillme.I’vehadtolearnnottotakecritiquesofmyworkpersonally—asit’scertainlynotmeanttobe.I’velearnedtotrustthatthepeoplewhoareonmysidearebeinghonestfortheveryreasonthattheyareonmyside—notbecausetheywanttodestroyme.There’snoquestionthatmyeditor’sfeedbackmadeWildabetterbook.

Ithinktherevisionprocessisagreatmetaphorforhowtoapproachlifeand

loveandwork.We’reallroughdrafts.Ifyou’relivingrightyou’reconstantlystrivingtomakethenextversionofyourselfonenotchbetter.Realsuccessisrootedinlearninghowtoturnmistakesintosuccesses;lossesintogains;failuresintothethingsofvaluethatpropelyouforwardratherthanholdyouback.Myadviceistobehumble,tolistentothosewhohavemoreexperiencethanyoudo,toworkhard—actuallyhard—andalsototrustyourself.Noonemakesyourlifeforyou.Youmakeitforyourself.

CHERYLSTRAYED’STIPS

•Ifyou’reanykindofartist,you’regoingtohaverejectionallalongtheway,butifatleastsomeofwhatyou’reworkingonsustainsyou,itwillhelpyoutoberesilientandtokeepgoing.

•Sometimesyouhavetodojobstopaythebills.Ididthatforyears—Imean,Icertainlydidn’tfeel“called”tobeawaitress.ButtherewasnowayIcouldhavebecomeawriterifIhadn’thadalotofjobsthatallowedmetoputmyrealenergyintomywriting.

•Sometimespeoplefeelliketheyshouldbewritersbecauseit’scoolorbecausetheirfriendsarewriters.I’vehadstudentslikethisandIthink,“Youdon’treallywanttobeawriter,andit’sokaytodosomethingelse.”Spendtimefiguringoutwhatisidealforyou,notwhatothersexpectofyou.Whateveritisthat’syourthing,pursuethatwithrelentlesspassion.

A

PARTII

LearningtoAsk

sIwasputtingtogetherthisbook,mysecretcodenameforitwas“theChutzpahProject,”chutzpahbeingtheYiddishwordforgutsorcourage.IthoughtaboutitasIe-mailedeachcontributorandaskedifshe’dtalk

abouthermostimportantmistakes;IthoughtaboutitasIprobedpeopletotellmeaboutsomepersonalexperienceordifficultsituationorfeeling.WasIaskingtoomuch?Onecontributorsaidthatshefeltvulnerabletellingherstory;shewasn’tsureifsheevenwantedmetoincludeit.ButitwasastorythatIloved,onethatIthoughtwouldbeusefultoreaders,soIurgedhertoletmekeepitinandshegenerouslyconsented.She’sbrave,Ithought.“You’vegotsomechutzpah,”Itoldmyself.

Apparently,“asking”canbetrickyforwomen.Wemostoftenhearaboutthiswithinthecontextofsalary.InalecturethatshegaveatSmith,journalistandradiohostFaraiChideyatalkedaboutafriendshehadwhosejobwastonegotiatecontracts.“Anytimethatheofferedpeoplepromotions,”shesaid,“everywhitemanaskedformoremoneyandnowomenandnopeopleofcoloraskedformoremoney.”Storieslikethisareborneoutinresearch.LindaBabcockandSaraLaschever’sbestseller,WomenDon’tAsk,revealedthatwomenareperfectlygoodnegotiatorsonthebehalfofothers,butthatwe’relesslikelythanmentoaskforourselves.Babcockandanothercolleague,HannahRileyBowles,havesincedemonstratedthatwomenmaybepenalizedforaskinginwaysthatsupervisors—bothmaleandfemale—seeastooaggressive.Ina2011NPRinterview,Babcockcalledthis“depressing”butrecommendedthatwomenwhowanttouseherresearchtohelpthemgetwhattheywantshouldtry

anegotiatingmannerthat’s“friendly,warm,andconcernedforothersaboveyourself.”

Ifhearingthismakesyouwanttothrowinthetowelonnegotiating(ormaybetothrowup?),considerthis:theAmericanAssociationofUniversityWomenlookedattheaveragestartingsalaryofamalerecentgraduate,comparedittoafemalepeer’s,andcalculatedthathisfemalepeerislikelymakingabout$2,800lessthanheis.Thiscouldbuy“nearlyayear’sworthofgroceries,over750gallonsofgasor1,400tallStarbuckscoffees.”Itcouldalsocovertwelvemonthsofstudentloanpayments.Sodespitethefactthatitoftenfeelshardtoask,despitethefactthatit’scomplicatedbyickydatashowingthatitbehoovesfemalenegotiatorstosmile(etc.)—it’sreallyworthnegotiatingthatfirstsalary.

Andpracticingnegotiationisnotonlygoodforourbankaccounts;itcanserveoureducationalandcareerambitions,asSelenaRezvanidiscussesinherinterview.Itcanbenefitourrelationshipswithfriends,roommates,andromanticpartners.Onceyouhavekids,it’sgreattobeabletoidentifyyourownneeds—fortimetowork,exercise,meditate,bewithfriends,bealone,sleep,etc.Askingfor,andthenideallygetting,whatyouneedisoftenhealthyfortheentirefamily.

Sometimes,whenwe’restartingoffinourprofessionallives,wecan’timagineaskingforanything.AprofessorIknowtoldmethatsheoncecameoutofherofficetofindastudentjuststandingthere,waitingforwhathadprobablybeenmorethanafewminutes.“Iwasn’tsureifyouwereinthere,”thestudentsaid.Butevenwhenwe’restandingwithourhandspoisedattheproverbialdoor,wecanlearntoknockfirmlyandloudly,tobecomegoodadvocatesforourselvesoverthecourseofourcareers.Inthefollowinginterviews,contributorsdiscusslearningtoaskforopportunities,advice,orinformation—andtonotbeafraidofappearingignorant.Theyaregoodmodelsforallofus,andtheirmessageisstrong:alittlechutzpahisnotabadthing.

W

DANIELLEOFRI“It’seasytofeellikeyou’reeitheragoodorbaddoctor—andthatthosearetheonlytwochoices.WhenImeetwithstudents,Italkabouterrors,owninguptothoseI’vemadeandlettingthemknowthatit’sapartoflife.Ihopethatlateron,whenoneofthemmakesanerror,heorshethinks,‘Myattendingtalkedaboutthis—it’sanormalpartoflearningtobeadoctorandIdon’thavetohideit.’”

henIspokewithDanielleOfri,shehadjustcomefromacelebrationatherson’sschoolinNewYorkCity.ItwasmidmorningandshewasonherwaytoherjobasaclinicianatBellevueHospital,oneofthecity’s

busiesthospitals,withadiverseandoftenpoorpatientpopulation.Whenshe’snotatBellevue,Ofriteachesmedicalstudents;sheisanassociateprofessoratNewYorkUniversitySchoolofMedicine.Needlesstosay,she’saverybusywoman.Butdespitetheintensityofherwork,herinteractionwithpatientsandstudentsseemstobeanaturalsourceofstoriesforher,andshe’spennedseveralbooksonherlifeinmedicine.HernewestbookiscalledWhatDoctorsFeel:HowEmotionsAffectthePracticeofMedicine.OthersincludeMedicineinTranslation:JourneyswithMyPatients,IncidentalFindings:LessonsfromMyPatientsintheArtofMedicine,andSingularIntimacies:BecomingaDoctoratBellevue.

OfriholdsbothanMDandaPhDandwritesregularlyfortheNewYorkTimesaboutbeingadoctorandabouttherelationshipbetweendoctorsandpatients.HeressayshavetwiceappearedinBestAmericanEssaysandhavebeenpublishedinBestAmericanScienceWriting.SheistherecipientoftheJohnP.McGovernAwardfromtheAmericanMedicalWritersAssociationfor“preeminentcontributionstomedicalcommunication.”

LessonsI’veLearnedYouandyourbaddecisionaretwoseparatethings.

Amedicalresidencyisthreeyears.Thefirstyearishard,butasanintern,youfollowordersandarenottechnicallyresponsibleforanything.Second-yearresidents,though,takeonmuchmoreresponsibility,actingasteamleadersfortheinternsandmedicalstudents.Thisstoryisaboutmyfirsttimebeingincharge,thefirsttimeIactuallyhadtomakeamedicaldecisionthatwouldaffectapatient’swell-being.

Soonafterthestartdateofmysecondyearofresidency,apatientcameinwithdiabeticketoacidosis—otherwiseknownasDKA.Thepatienthadtype1diabetes,andhe’dbeenarrested.Whilehewasheldhewasunabletoaccesshisinsulin;hissugarlevelsskyrocketedandknockedhimunconscious.TreatingDKAisfascinatingandimmenselygratifying:thepatientcomesincomatoseornearlyso,andthedoctoradministersanIVinsulindriptoslowlylowerthesugar,carefullymonitoringelectrolytesaswellasacidandpotassiumlevelsintheblood.Ifit’sdonecorrectly,thepatientismiraculouslycuredwithintwenty-fourhours.

Whenwehaddoneallthiswithmypatientandhewasawakeandalert,wepreparedtoturnofftheIV.AsIhandedthe“d/cinsulindrip”ordertothenurse,sheasked,“Doyouwanttogiveaninjectionoflong-actinginsulinbeforeIturnoffthedrip?”

Ithoughtaboutit.Iturnedtomyintern,whowasstandingbesideme,andsaid,“We’vejust

spentanentiredaymeticulouslycontrollingthispatient’ssugar.Whywouldwewantabigdoseoflong-actinginsulin?Itwillbelikeasledgehammer,stayinginhissystemforhoursandbottomingouthissugar.Let’sjuststopthedripandcheckhissugarregularly.We’llkeepinjectinghimwithsmallamountsasneeded.”

Thenurseraisedaneyebrow,butIdidn’tpaymuchattention.Iwasthedoctor,afterall.

Withintwohours,thepatientbegantofeelnauseousandtovomit.Irealizedthathispotassiumlevelwasfalling,hisacidlevelwasrising,andwewereintrouble.AsIcalledthemedicalconsult,theseniorresidentinchargeforthenight,thepatientstartedslurringhisspeechandgettingwoozy.Whenthemedicalconsultarrived,shelookedatthepatient’snumbers,thoughtforaboutthreeseconds,andyelled:

“Didn’tyougivehimlong-actinginsulinbeforeyouturnedoffthedrip?Thisguycouldgointocardiacarrest—whatwereyouthinking?”

Ifroze.WhathadIbeenthinking?HadIforgottenthepartaboutlong-actinginsulin?HadIneverlearnedit?Myinterndidn’tsayaword.Themedicalconsultgavemeawithering,graniticstareasItriedtoexplainmylogic—but

suddenlyIcouldnotputtwowordstogether.Justanhourbefore,Ihadconfidentlytoldtheintern,“Long-actinginsulinwilldobadthingstothispatient,”andhehadfollowedmesotrustingly.

ThethreeofusstoodinthemiddleoftheERtraumasection,chaosallaroundus:gunshotvictimswerebeingwheeledin;surgeonsandnurseswererunningeverywhere.Theseniorresidentstaredatme,holdingmeinthisspot,andstillIcouldn’ttalk.Icouldhaveevaporated,orfallendeadofacardiacarrest,andIwouldhavebeengrateful.ItwasthemosthumiliatingexperienceI’deverhad—becauseIsawmyerrorclearly:theverythingyou’resupposedtodobeforeturningoffthedripistogiveashotoflong-actinginsulinsothatitstaysinthepatient’ssystem.Ifyoudon’t,thenthepatientgoesrightbackintoDKA,whichwasexactlywhatmypatienthaddone.

Theseniorresidentfinallygrabbedthesheetoutofmyhandandbarked,“Restartthedripandgivehimstatdosesofcalciumandbicarbtopreventcardiacarrest,”quicklydoingthesethingsherselftosavethepatient’slife.Thenshestormedoff,andIwasleftstandingtherewithmyinternrightnexttome.

Istammered,“Well,let’sjust,uh...getsomelabsonthispatient.”Theinternwasabsolutelymatter-of-fact.Hetookoutthebloodtesttubesandstartedwritingthelabels;lookingback,Iseethatthenormalcyofhisactionswassocompassionate.Iwasneverabletothankhim,butthefactthathejustkeptgoingallowedmetokeepgoing.Ifhehadtriedtotalkaboutit,ifhehadactedembarrassedorwalkedaway,Idon’tthinkIcouldhavecontinuedashisleaderinthesameway.ButhecouldseehowhumiliatedIwas,andhegavemetherespectoflisteningtowhatlittleauthorityIhadleft,asifheweresaying,“Istilltrustyourleadership.”

Luckily,thepatientwasfine,eventhoughhehadtospendanotherdayintheICU.I,ontheotherhand,didn’tfaresowell.Ittookweekstopickmyselfupoffthefloor,andtherewasnoonetotalktoaboutit.Ifmyattendingphysicianatthetimehadletmeknowthaterrorsdohappen,andhadsaidsomethinglike“Anerrordoesn’tmeanyou’reabadperson—itmeansyou’reahumanbeing,”thatwouldhavemeantalot.ButIdidn’thearthatsortofsentiment,andsoinstead,theincidentplayedoverandoveragainonloopinmyhead.

I’vesincethoughtalotaboutthedifferencebetweenguiltandshame.Guiltrelatestoanactyoudid,andyoucanremedythatacttoresolvetheguilt.Butshameisinternal;it’stherealizationthatyou’renotwhoyouthoughtyouwere.Guiltmakesyouwanttofixthings,butshamemakesyouwanttorunandhide.AndshamewaswhatIhadfeltasIstoodthereintheERbeingreprimanded.

Seniordoctorsneedtocomeforwardandtalkabouterrors,abouthowtheydealtwiththeshameandhowtheymaintainedtheirsenseofself.Theyneedto

talkabouthowtheyapproachedtheirpatientsandacknowledgedtheirmedicalerrors.It’snoteasy;itwasonlyrecentlythatIfirstwroteabouttheepisodedescribedabove—andthatwastwentyyearsafterithappened.ButIlearnedtwoimportantthingsfromthatmistake.One:Thoushaltnotturnofftheinsulindripbeforeinjectinglong-actinginsulin.IteachthattoeverystudentIhave,andifanyofmypatientsareoninsulindrips,I’mlikeahawk,checkingonthemallthetime.Two:Errorsshouldbecorrected,buthumiliatingsomeonedoesn’tdoanything.Becauseyes,thepatient’ssafetycomesfirstanddoctorsmustdowhattheycaninordertoactintheirbestinterest,butyoudon’tlearnalessonanybetterthroughhumiliation.Infact,itmaybedamaging.

IfIwanttotellacolleagueorstudentaboutanerror,Ipullthatpersonasideanddoitinprivatewheneverpossible.Ifwe’reinthemiddleofanemergencyandIneedtocorrectsomethinginpublicforthesakeofmypatient,Iwillofcourseactwithinthatmoment,butthenafterwardI’lltakethatpersonasideandsay,“You’reafinedoctor—smart,committed,caring.Buthere’soneplacewhereamistakewasmade.”It’simportanttohelpthatpersonmakeadistinction—it’snotthatyouwerewrong,it’sthatyourdecisionwaswrong.Whateverjobyou’rein,whetheryoumakeamistakeasadoctororateacheroranadexec,theerrorisinyouraction,notinyourself.

Evenwhenyou’reincharge,youcanaskcolleaguesfortheiropinions.

Inthethirdyear,eachresidenttakesamonthasheadhoncho,andthisstoryisaboutthatyear—whenIwasintheroleofmedicalconsult.Oneofthethingsthatmedicalconsultsdoisrunthecodes:Apatientgoesintoacardiacarrestandyou’llhearoverthehospitalloudspeaker,“Fouroneone—AirwayTeam.”Everyonecomesrunning.Youstartpoundingthechestandshockingitwithpaddlestotrytogetthepatient’shearttorestart.Partofmewashopingthatthirtydayswouldgobyandnotasinglecoronaryarterywouldclot,notasinglelungwouldbeblocked,andeveryonewouldbehealthy.Obviously,thatdidn’thappen.

MyfirstcardiacarrestwasintheICU,andasIstartedrunningthere,Isuddenlybecameveryanxious.Whenyoupracticeacode,youdoitonmannequins;I’dneverrunarealcodeonarealpatient.WhenIarrived,Itookmyplaceatthefrontofthebedwherethemedicalconsultstands—andthencouldn’tthinkofasinglething.Mymindjustwentblank.Anotherresident

startedfeedingmethefacts:asixty-one-year-oldmanhadhadastrokeandkidneyfailureandwasnowinrespiratoryarrest.Ashetalked,itwaslikemybrainturnedtosoupandIcouldn’trememberasingleprotocol.

“Okay,beginchestcompressions,”Isaid,“andstartbaggingwithoxygen.”Irememberedthosetwothings.Butwhatnext?Didyoushockfirst?Injectepinephrine?Adrenaline?

SomeonepressedanelectrocardiogramreadoutintomyhandsandIthought,“Ihopethisisgoingtosolvetheproblem.”ButIsuddenlycouldn’trememberathingaboutreadingEKGs.

WhenyoureadanEKG,youlookforthreethings:a“Pwave,”a“QRScomplex,”anda“Twave.”WhenaTwavelookslikeatentinsteadofacamel’shump,thatcanbeasignofhyperkalemia—highpotassiumlevelsintheblood—whichislifethreatening.Youhavetogiveinsulin,D50,andcalciumimmediately.

ButIcouldn’tdecide:WasthisTwavereallypeaked?SometimesyoucanhaveapseudopeakedTwave,wherethepeakedTwavedoesn’tmeanhighpotassium.WhatifIgavehimthetreatmentandIwaswrong?Thatcouldcauseotherseriousproblems.

Istoodtheredebatingwithmyself,frozen,tooafraidtosayanything.Suddenlyanewvoicedemanded,“Whoisinchargehere?”Itwasthe

cardiologyfellow,barrelingintotheroom.Fellowshipisonestepaheadofresidency,sohewasmysuperior.Isaid,“Me.”Thentherewasanawkwardmoment,becausewerecognizedeachotherandIcouldseethathewasalittleshocked.Wehadbeenfriendsbackinmedicalschool,butnowhewasaheadofmebecauseI’dtakentimeofftodoaPhD—anditwasclearthatifwehadn’tbeenfriends,hewouldhaveyelledatmeformyincompetence.

Hesidledover,lookedattheEKG,said,“Hyperkalemia,”andstartedbarkingorders.Ithought,“Shit,Ihaditright!”Insteadofbeingthecaptainoftheship,I’dcowered.Someoneelsehadcomeanddoneitforme.IfIhadjustsaidmyfirstthoughtthenIwouldhavebeenthemodeltake-chargeresidentandmaybesavedthisguy’slife,butI’dbeentooafraidtosayit,tooafraidtobewrong.Intheend,thepatientdidokay:theybroughthispulseandbloodpressurebackbytreatingthehyperkalemiaandthenthecodewasover.ButIjustwantedtohideinaseaofwhitecoatsandslinkoff.

Ofcourse,nowI’verunmanycodes,andifI’mnotcompletelyconvincedofmyfirstintuitionI’llquicklysaytosomeone,“Hey,here’swhatIthink.Doyouwanttogivemeasecondopinion?”Whetheryou’rethemedicalconsultorinanyroleinwhichyou’redeferredtoasbeingincharge,there’snoreasonwhyyoustillcan’tseeksupportoradvice,asking,“Whatareyourthoughts?”You’re

almostneveraloneatthehelmofaship,oranywhereelse,forthatmatter.

DANIELLEOFRI’STIPS

•Youdon’thavetofeeltheburdenof“Imustbe110percentrightonmyfirsttry,andImaynotutteranyevidenceofhesitancy.”Eventhepresidentofthecompanycanturntoatrustedcolleagueandsay,“Whatdoyouthink?Here’smyidea.Givemesomefeedback.”

•Youdon’thavetobethemodelofperfectiontobegoodatyourjob.I’llneverknowallthemedicalfactsthewayacomputerwill,soIcansay,“Idon’tknow...butI’lltrytofindout,”andstillfeelconfidentinmyabilities.

•Ifyoumakeamistake,it’simportanttodistinguishtheactionfromtheperson.Whatyoudidwasamistake,butyouaren’tthemistake.Justownuptoitandlearnhowyoucandoitbetter.Findsomeoneyoucantrusttotalkaboutit.Andwhenyouseesomeoneelsemakeanerror,bethatcompassionatelistener.Helpthepersonacknowledgetheerrorwithoutshaminghimorher.

B

JOANNABARSH“Ifyoudon’thaveapassion,there’snothingwrongwithyou.Ithinkthatlifeisnotsomuchaboutfollowingyourpassion,butaboutrealizingthatyourjourneyisalongone.Focusondevelopinghardskillslikeproblemsolving,businesswriting,andpresenting,andsoftskillsliketakinginitiative,gettingalongwithothers,andengaginginmeetings.Getcuriousaboutwhatyouenjoydoing(anddon’tenjoy),andnoticewhatgivesyoualotofenergy.”

ecauseofJoannaBarsh,there’sanindexcardabovemydeskonwhichI’vewrittentheword“balance”withalinedrawnthroughit.Barshsuggestsreplacingtheideaof“work-lifebalance”withtheconceptof

“manageddisequilibrium”(aphraseshefirstheardfromGoogle’sEileenNaughton)becausenoambitiouswomanisevergoingtofeelthatthingsare“inbalance.”Instead,wehavetofindwhat’smeaningfultousandcreateconditionsinwhichwecanthrive.

AdirectoremeritusatMcKinsey&Company,JoannaBarshhasboundlesswisdom,agreatsenseofhumor,andatroveofdatathatshe’susedtodevelophertheoryof“centeredleadership.”Duringin-depthinterviewswithover165menandwomen,shegathereddataonthrivingandrisingatwork;shethenarticulatedhernew(andalmostshockinglysensible)modelforthinkingaboutleadershipdevelopmentintwobooks:HowRemarkableWomenLeadandtheupcomingCenteredLeadership.Theyshouldberequiredreadingforeveryyoungperson—manorwoman.

BarshisastrongadvocateforwomenatMcKinseyandbeyond.ShehasbeenaNewYorkCityCommissioneronWomen’sIssuessince2002,appointedbyMayorMichaelBloomberg.ShehasalsoservedthePartnershipforNewYorkCity,theNewYorkCityEconomicDevelopmentCorporation,theAmericanMuseumofNaturalHistory,andtheManhattanTheatreClub.ShehasbeenatrusteeofSesameWorkshop,theeducationorganizationresponsibleforSesameStreet,foreighteenyears.

BarshholdsdegreesfromtheUniversityofPennsylvaniaandtheUniversityofChicagoandanMBAfromHarvardBusinessSchool.

LessonsI’veLearnedIfyou’reacreativeperson,knowthatsometasksrequirestickingwiththefacts.

Mybackgroundwasinartandliterature,andaftercollegeItriedworkinginthemoviebusiness,thennearlybecameanEnglishprofessor,andendedupinthemanagementtrainingprogramofthebehemothMacy’s.Ieventuallyrealizedthatnoneofthiswasreallyforme,andsoonafterwardIappliedtoHarvardBusinessSchool.WhenIwasadmitted,itwasasifIhadtogo—thefeelingwassimilartotheoneyougetwhenthere’sasaleandyoumustbuysomething.OnceIgotthere,everyonewastalkingaboutwantingtoworkinbusinessconsulting,andIwascompetitiveenoughtolookintoit.

AtopfirmhiredmeduringthesummerbetweenmyfirstandsecondyearsatHarvard;IthinktheywerebankingonthefactthatIwasthisspunkyyoungpersonandwouldbringsomecreativitytothework.ButIreallyfeltlikeIhadtrickedthemintolettingmein;Ididn’thavethestrictbusinessbackgroundofmanyofmypeers.

AndthenIlearnedwhatIwasgoingtobedoing:Iwaschargedwithspendingmydaysalmostentirelyalone(withtheexceptionofthelibrarian)inthebasementofamediacompanyclient—adank,dark,miserablebasement—andgoingthroughgiant,heavybooksfilledwithpagesofdataaboutadrevenue.Iwassupposedtofigureoutgrowthtrendsinordertochangetheeconomicoutlookofthisclient.Todothat,Iwouldhavetosegmentreamsofdatainsomewaythatyieldedinsight.Finally,Iwassupposedtofindawaytopresenttheinformationsothatmyconsultingfirmwouldbeabletohelptheclienttostrategizeaboutgoingafternewbusiness.Thiswasbeforetheageofpersonalcomputers,soIspentmydayslaboriouslycopyingthenumbersoutofthebooksandontoenormoussheetsofaccountingpaper—I’mtalkingeightandahalfbytwofeeteach—inordertosegmentandaddthemup.

Ifeltanxiousandoverwhelmed.Iremembersittingwiththeseenormoussheetsscribbledwithnumbersonenight,aloneintheoffice.Itwasreallylate.Withaboutthirtysheetsandhundredsoflinesofdata,ittookoveranhourtoaddeachpage,andnothingcameoutthesamewaytwice.Ibegancryingfromfatigueandfrustration,becauseIrealizedIwasincompetentanddidnotknowabetterwaytocompletethetask.

Ifinallysolvedthisproblembyusinganalgorithm,anequationIdevelopedwithasetofassumptionstotrytorepresentthegiantbooksofdata.Iremember

thinkingthatitwasnotpreciseandcouldbewrong.BecauseIhadlookedatthetrenddatafordays,ifnotweeks,Iknewthatsomecategoriesofadvertisingweregrowingandotherswereshrinking,somewerelargeandotherssmall—butwhenIdrewthechartusingmyalgorithm,itshowednothing.Iknewitwouldn’tprovidetheclientwithanyinsight.SowhatdidIdo?Iliterallyfudgedthenumberssothatthechartlookedright.

Ididitinamarginalway—addingapointhere,takingahalfpointawaythere,andvoilà,itlookedgreat!ThetweaksadjustedthechartfrommeaninglessnesstohavinganinsightthatIfirmlybelievedtobetruebasedonalltheworkIhaddone;itwasjust(Itoldmyself)thatIwasalousymathematician.Itputmeinakindofmoralgrayzone,butIwassonaïveandsorelievedtohavecomeupwithasolutionfortheclientthatIsimplymovedon.

Mynewandimprovedgraphguidedtheclient’sresultingrevenuestrategy—andtheclientlovedit.Ifinishedthesummerfeelingmoreconfidentandwithajoboffer.IwentbackformyfinalyearatHarvardandlostsightofmysummer.

Butafewweekslater,Ireceivedamessageonmyansweringmachine:“Justtryingtore-createyouranalysis,”saidafellowfromthefirm.“Theclientloveditsomuchthattheygaveusanotherstudy,andIwanttoupdateitwiththecurrentnumbersbutIcan’tseemtore-createwhatyoudid.”

Ididn’tcallhimback,andIdidn’ttellanybodywhatI’ddone.Iwasfilledwithdread;Ihadnightmares;Icouldn’tfocusonmywork.Iwasburningwithshame—itwasasifIhadkilledsomebody.Ikeptwaitingforacallfromtheguywho’dofferedtohireme,tellingmethatIwasalreadyfired.Thiswentonforabouttwoweeks,duringwhichIreceivedtwoorthreemorecalls.FinallyIcalledhimbackandsaid,“Ican’tfindmyanalysis.”

Heresponded,“That’sokay.Justtellmehowyoudidit.”AllIcouldsaywas,“Icannotrememberwithoutmynotes!”

NowIfeltlikeGodhadputhisfingeronme.Myconsciencewouldnotletmerest.SoIcalleduptheguywhohadrecruitedmeandcameclean,saying,“Youprobablydon’twantmetocomeback.ButI’mgoingtotellyouwhatIdidandyoucandecide,becauseIcan’tlivewiththisanymore—Ican’tlivewiththeguilt.”

AfterItoldhim,hestartedtolaugh.“Firstofall,”hesaid,“Ineverwantyoutodothatagain.”Buthewentonto

saythatheunderstoodhowIhadgottenintothebindthatIdidwithoutanyinstructionorsupervision.Heletmeknowthathewouldtalkwithhiscolleague—theonetryingtore-createmyanalysis—andthatIdidn’thavetoworryaboutit.“Ofcoursewedon’twanttorescindtheoffer,”hesaid.“Wedowantyoutocome.I’mgladthatyoutoldme.”Cuesighofrelief.

Thisveryearlymistakehelpedmeinsignificantways.First,ithelpedmetorecognizemystrengthsandweaknesses.IunderstoodthatIcouldcreativelyproblem-solvebyseeingsomethingdifferentlyoraskingaquestionfromanewperspective—butthatIcouldn’tbringcreativitytotheanalysisitself.Second,IbecameawarethatintryingtobelongatthiscompanywhereIfeltlikeIdidn’treallyfitin,I’drenegedonmyownsenseofprofessionalintegrity—andthat,intheend,myintegritywasmoreimportant.ConnectingwiththathelpedmetodevelopalevelofprofessionalismthatIhadn’thadbefore.Finally,Icametorevereproblemsolving;evenwhentherewerenoeasyanswers,Ikeptaskingquestions.Ironically,thesehighstandardsarewhatultimatelyledtoascendingupthecompanyladderandfeelingathomeintheworldofconsulting—“belonging”atthehighestlevel.Ibecamethepartnerwhointuitivelyfoundtheflawinthemodel,themistakeinthespreadsheet,andtheweakassumption.Overthecourseofmytimeinconsulting,Ibecameknownassomebodywhofindsgrowthopportunitiesformediacompanies,provingthatearlymistakescanbefertilegroundforhoningparticularskills.

Anothermistakewasbeingmorefocusedonmyown“goodidea”thanonthetaskathand.

Yearslater,Ibecameaseniorpartneratmyfirmandwasinvitedtoaretreatwiththeotherpartners.Weweretaskedwiththinkingaboutthefirm’sdirection.IlovethatkindofassignmentsoIwentbeyondtheexpectedscopeoftheproject,collectingvideotapedinterviewstopresent.

Well,Iprobablyshouldhaveknownthataneleven-minutevideooftalkingheadsraisingcriticismaftercriticismdoesnotmakeforagreatpresentation,butthatmistakewasonlythetipoftheiceberg.Iwasinvitedtogivemypresentationtothemostseniorgovernancecommitteeinthefirm,andIcalledoneofthefirm’sfoundersbeforehandtotellhimthatmypresentationwouldbeaboutwantingthefirmtogothrougharebirth.Iwasbasicallyproposingthatwe’dhaveanimprovedpartnershipbetweenseniorandyoungerpeople;thatwewouldserveabroadersetofclients,includingmorecutting-edgeclients;andthatwewouldcreatenewpositionsforrespectedexpertswhowouldbringdepthtowhatwedo.Hisresponse:“Youhavealotofcourage.”Ididn’tknowwhathemeant,butIdidn’tthinktoask.

Thenextday,wewentintothisbigmeetingatafancyhotelinNewYorkCity.I’dneverbeeninvitedtospeaktothisgroupbefore.Thesewere“thebig

kids,”abouttwentyoldermen,andtheyhadapeculiarculture—forexample,theysatinthisgiantUandwhentheywanteddocumentsshredded,theywouldtearthemupandthrowtheirpapersonthefloorinthemiddle.

Icameintothisroomandstoodinfrontofthepileofripped-uppaperswithtwomalecolleagues.Weshowedourvideoandpresentedforahalfhour.ForthenexthalfhourIlistenedtothegroup’ssentiment,thegistofwhichwas:Howdareyou.Wejustelectedyou.Obviouslywemadeabaddecision.Itriedtodefendourideas(andwehadplentyofthem)buttheyweresoangrythatIspenttheentiretimetryingtostopmyselffromcrying.

Foralongtime,Ithoughtofthisasjustaterriblemomentfromwhichnolessonhademerged.Manyyearslater,asIbegantogatherdataonthedevelopmentofverysuccessfulwomenleaders,andtocreateamodel—“centeredleadership”—toexplainwhatthedatashowed,Irealizedafewimportantthings.

Whenoneofthefirm’sfounderstoldmethatIhad“alotofcourage,”Iknewthatwasanoddthingtosay.Andpartofmealsoknewtherewassomethingwrongwithmyplan,soIshouldhavefolloweduptoaskwhyhewassayingthat.Ihadn’ttrustedmyintuition.

Ihadn’tevenbeentrulyfocusedonmyintent—whatmatteredtome—whichwastothinkaboutwherenexttotakethisgreatcompany.Thevideoreallywaselevenminutesofwhatwedidn’tlike:“Here’ssomethingthat’swrong,andhere’sanotherthing,andletmepileonanotherthing.”Thesedays,Iwouldapproachthiskindoftaskthroughthelensof“appreciativeinquiry,”beginningwithsuccesses—andstrengths—andbuildingonthat.Ifyouwanttobringyournewideastothetableandmakechanges,youmuststartbyhonoringwhatexists.Thatway,youreleasepeople’sanxietythatyou’regoingtokillwhatthey’remosttryingtoprotect.

Finally,Ihadn’tpreparedforaworst-case-scenariooutcome,whichwaswhatIgot;Icouldn’tevenanswerthegroup’squestionsbecauseIwasfrozenwithfear.

Ittookmanyyearsformetoseehowmuchthefirmbelievedinmetotoleratemydoings.Ittookyears,too,tolearnthevaluablelessonsembeddedinthishorribleexperience.Understandingthoselessonsaffirmedmybeliefthatmistakesarenearlyalwayslearningopportunitiesandthatyoushouldonlycallthem“failures”ifyoudon’tlearn.

JOANNABARSH’STIPS

•I’venoticedthatyoungpeopleareoftenafraidof“livingthewronglife.”Everydecisionbecomesmomentousbecausetheyjusthaven’tmademanyofthem!Theybecomeafraidtodecideanything,whichcanbeamistakeinitself.Instead,startwithwhatyoureallywanttocreateandifthedecisiontakesyouastepforward,goforit.Ifyoudon’tknowwhatyouwanttocreate,focusongainingaskill.

•Beopentosteppingoutsideofyourcomfortzone.Inourleadershiptrainings,wehaveavocalcoachwhomakespeoplesinginfrontofthegroupbecauseit’sarealexperienceofrisk.Somepeopleactuallycrybecausetheyfeelsoashamed,butoncetheydoitandrealizethatthey’restillalive,thatthey’restillbreathing,theyarestrongerforit.

W

ALINATUGEND“Ithinkwefeelshameaboutsomanythingsrelatedtomoney.Andwetakeitsopersonally.We’reoftennottaughttobalanceourcheckbooksortonegotiateoursalaries,butweareexpectedtohandleourmoneyperfectly.”

henAlinaTugendwrotea2007NewYorkTimesarticleaboutmistakes,shewasfloodedwithgratefulresponsesfromreadersanddecidedtofollowupbywritingabook—aterrificbook—calledBetterbyMistake:

TheUnexpectedBenefitsofBeingWrong.Tugendsaysthattheresponsetoherarticle“mademerealizethatinaworldwherewe’retoooftentoldthat‘failureisnotanoption’mostpeople—includingmyself—arehungrytohearthatyes,weallmakemistakesandthatreallyisokay.”ThebestsellingauthorDanielPinkcalledherbook“afascinatingandwide-rangingexplorationofthedeeplyhumanphenomenonofscrewingup.”

Herbookisalsofunnyandapproachable,lucidandintelligent,justlikeAlinawaswhenwespokeoverthephoneaboutthemistakesshe’dmadeinnegotiatinghersalaryovertheyears.ShehadsomuchgoodwisdomtosharethatIwasactuallyabletoputsomeofitimmediatelytouse:whenItalkedwithafriendwhowasputtingoffadifficultconversationwithherboss,IpassedalongAlina’sadvicetobegintheconversationviae-mail.Thishadneveroccurredtomyfriend,butshecomposedthee-mailandsentitoff—toexcellenteffect!

Ajournalistforthepastthirtyyears,AlinahasworkedinWashington,DC;southernCalifornia;London;andNewYork.Since2005,shehaswrittenthebiweeklyShortCutscolumnfortheNewYorkTimesbusinesssection.In2011,herpersonalfinancecolumnsreceivedaBestinBusinessawardfromtheSocietyofAmericanBusinessEditorsandWriters.

LessonsI’veLearned

Evenwhenyou’regratefultohavethatfirstjob,it’sstillagoodideatonegotiate.

I’vealwayswantedtobeajournalist,andoneofmyfirstjobswasattheLosAngelesHeraldExaminer.Itwasthelate1980s,andtheyofferedmearoundtwohundreddollarsaweek.Iknewitwaslow,butIdidn’tnegotiatebecauseIwassogladtohaveajob—andasayoung,singlepersonIknewIcouldliveoffthatpunyamount.

AfterI’dbeenworkingasareportertherefortwoyears,Itookonarolewiththereporters’union.SuddenlyIhadaccesstoapieceofpaperthatlistedthesalariesofallmycolleagues.Readingthatlistwaslikeashocktothesystem;IdiscoveredthatIwasbeingpaidlessthananyoneelsethere.Ihadassumedwewereallbeingpaidaunionrateaccordingtoseniority.Infact,manypeoplewerebeingpaidovertheestablishedunionrate.Ifeltbetrayed—andfoolish.

Thenewspaperwasn’tdoingwellfinanciallyandIknewthatitwasunlikelyI’dgetaraise.Also,therewasthisfearinthebackofmymindthatmaybeIwasn’tworthmoremoney.This,I’vesincelearned,isaprettycommonfear—especiallyforwomen—andonewehavetoworkextrahardtoovercome.Inanycase,thepapersoonfolded,butitwasthebeginningofalonglearningcurveaboutfightingforwhatIwasworth.

Bythen,Iwasinmymidtwenties,andtheOrangeCountyRegisterinCaliforniahiredme.Itwasalargerandwealthierpaper.Theeditorwhohiredmeaskedoverthephoneaboutsalary.IthrewoutanumberthatwasalittlehigherthanwhatI’dbeengettingattheHeraldExaminer.Theeditorlaughedandsaid,“Wecanpayyoumorethanthat!”Ofcourse,it’sveryrareforanemployertobethatforthcomingandgenerous;itwouldhavebeengoodifI’ddonesomeresearchtolearnaboutthegoingrate!Evenpre-Internet,Icouldhaveaskedsomeclosefriends.

Learntomanagetheemotionsthatcomeupduringnegotiations.

AcoupleofyearsafterIbeganwritingmycolumnfortheNewYorkTimes,myeditorsaid,“Youshouldaskformoremoney.Allthemalecolumnistshave.”IhadbeensogratefultohavethecolumninthefirstplacethatIhadn’tthoughttoaskformore—andagain,Iwasannoyedwithmyself.I’dbuiltasuccessfulcareerasafreelancejournalist(oftenwritingaboutbusiness!)butsomehowI

stillhadn’tbeenabletomasterthebusinessofnegotiation.Thewholeendeavormademeuncomfortable,butIforcedmyselftoasktheeditorwhatshethoughtIshouldbemaking—andthenIgrittedmyteethandaddedfiftydollars.Shehelpedmetocomposeane-mailtothebusinesseditor.AsIwroteit,IkeptthinkingthatIwasgoingtocomeoffasgreedy,asexpectingtoomuchandthinkingIwasbetterthanIwas.Iwassurethathewasgoingtosayno.

Butthebusinesseditorjustsaid,“Fine.”It’snoteasyforeithersex—exceptforthosepeoplewhoarebornnegotiators

—todiscusssalary,butwomentendtopersonalizethesethingsmorethanmen.Wehavetotrytoknowwe’reworththemoney,beabletoaskforit,andnotfeelcrushedifitdoesn’tcomethrough.Manyfactorsgointoanemployer’sdecisionaboutgrantingraises,andweneedtounderstandthat.Butwealsoneedtoleaveaplacethatundervaluesandunderpaysus.

Doyourresearchanddon’tgetboggeddownbymissteps.

Idon’tthinkit’suntilveryrecentlythatI’vebeenabletoconsistentlynegotiatewhenanumberisproposed.WhenIgotintomyfortiesandfifties,withasuccessfulfreelancecareer,aNewYorkTimescolumn,andapublishedbook,Ibegantospeakup.Ifamagazineofferedadollaraword,Ifinallystartedtoforcemyselftosay,“Well,Iusuallymaketwo.”

Ibelongtoajournalists’organization,whichcollectsandpublishespay(anonymously)atvariousmediaoutlets.I’vehadtheexperienceofbeingoffered$1.50awordandthenseeingthatsomeoneelseisbeingpaid$1.75aword,sonowIalwaysdomyresearchbeforethenegotiation.Ialsojustassumethatanofferwillcomeinsomewhereinthemiddle,andthatit’sworthtryingtohikeitup.Ifyouaskfor$2.00,theymightcomeinat$1.75.Itmaysoundlikeasmalldifference,butitaddsup.

Butevenrecently,someoneaskedmetowriteamagazinearticleforauniversitymagazineandasked,“Whatdoyougetpaid?”SometimesIgetonedollarperword,sometimestwo,dependingonthepublication,butIsaid,“Aboutonefifty.”

Thewomanhiringmesaid,“Fine.”Andrightaway,Ithought,Whydidn’tIaskfortwo?Iwaskickingmyself,becauseitwouldhavemeantgettingpaidanothereighthundreddollars.AndIrealized,thisisaboutthefearofoversellingmyself—like,“WhatifI’mnotworthwhatI’masking?I’dbetterreallyperformnow.”

So,knowinghowtonegotiatedoesn’tmeanIalwaysdoitinthewayI’dliketo.ButI’mgettingbetter.

Itneverhurtstoask.

Afterreadingmybook,aneditorcontactedmeandsaid,“Weloveyourstuff.We’dliketopayyouthirtycentsawordtowriteforus.”Iwasflattered,butIthought,“That’snothing.”Ididn’teventhinkaboutaskingthemformore,becauseIassumedthatiftheywereofferingthirtycentsaword,thentheycouldn’tpaymynormalrate.WhenIhappenedtomentionthisexchangetomyhusband,hepressedmetotellthem—outofself-respect,andtomakeapoint—thatmygoingrateissignificantlyhigher.Still,Ididn’twanttomentionthemoney.Ie-mailedbacktosaythankyouandthatIdidn’thavethetime,butIthrewinalineattheend:“Igenerallymakequiteabitmorethanthat.”Theeditore-mailedbacksaying“Okay,howabouttwodollarsaword?”AndsoIwentfromthinkingthatthisjobwasn’tevenapossibility—totakingit.

Ithelpstounderstandthataskingandtalkingaboutwhatweshouldgetpaidisproblematicformostofus,andthattheworstthatcanhappenisgettingano.Theconversationdoesn’thavetobesodramatic.Itcanbehardforwomentosay,“IthinkI’mworthmore,”or“Wouldyouconsiderraisingthat?”becauseweworrythatpeoplewillthinkwe’refullofourselves.Weworrythatifwe’regivenmoremoney,itmeanswe’llhavetodoeverythingperfectly.Ihavethisfriendwho’sagreatjournalist,andwhenshegetsaraise,insteadoffeelinglike,“Yahoo,I’msohappyandIdeservethis,”sheimmediatelyfeelssicktoherstomach.Shefeelsshecan’tpossiblybegoodenoughtobeworththeextramoney.Butwehavetogetoverthatmindset—it’sonewaywecanworktoclosethewagegapbetweenthegendersforgood.

ALINATUGEND’STIPS

•Askingformoneycanbeeasierovere-mail.Asajournalist,I’velearnedthatifyougivesomeoneachancetogetoffthehook,they’lltakeit—onthephoneit’seasytowanttobenice,tosaythingslike,“Iknowthesearehardtimesandyouprobablycan’tpaythis.”(They’llprobablysay,“Yes,you’reright.”)Icanbealittlemorehard-nosedbye-mail.Youalsohaveawrittenrecordoftheconversation.

•Ifyoudofindyourselfaskingformoneyoverthephoneorinperson,allowforsilencerightafteryouask.It’saverypowerfultool.

•SomekeyphrasesI’veusedinnegotiatingare“Iusuallygetx”or“Iunderstandthestandardrateisx.”Thenit’saboutbusiness,andnotaboutwhatyou’reworthorwhatyouneed.Nevertalkaboutwhatyou“need,”andneverbeapologetic.

•There’ssomuchemotionattachedtomoneythatwhenyoupracticenegotiating,youshouldthinkthroughnotonlywhatyou’regoingtosaybuthowyou’regoingtofeelinthefaceofpushback.Andyouhavetocometotermswiththefactthatpushbackdoesn’tmeanyou’rewrong.

•Youmayhavereasonsforbeingwillingtoacceptlessmoneybecauseyou’regettingsomethingelseoutofthedeal—likeexperienceorprestige.But,especiallythesedays,bevery,verycarefulnottofallintothetrapofworkingforfreejustfor“exposure.”Inrarecircumstancesitcanbeworthit,butit’susuallyjustexploitive.You’reworthmorethanthat.Andexposuredoesn’tpaythebills.

S

SELENAREZVANI“Sometimesinlife,youaregivenoptionsAorBandyouwantnonexistentoptionC.IwishI’dhadthecouragetoovercomeself-doubtearlier,toknowthatIdidn’tneedawell-wornpathtothinksomethingwasviableasacareer.”

elenaRezvaniisn’tyourtypicalMBAleadershipexpert.Firstofall,shehasadegreeinsocialwork,towhichsheattributessomeofherskillinnavigatingtrickyconversationsandfacilitatingbusinessmeetings.Second,

whileshe’sambitiousandintellectuallysharp,shealsohasaremarkablylovelywayabouther—whenshespeakssheisthoughtful,andhervoiceiscalming.She’sbroughtthebreadthofherbackgroundandherconsiderableexpertisetobearinwritingtwoimportantbooksonwomen’sleadership:TheNextGenerationofWomenLeaders:WhatYouNeedtoLeadbutWon’tLearninBusinessSchoolandPushback:HowSmartWomenAsk—andStandUp—forWhatTheyWant.Asthesametime,RezvanicreatedWomen’sRoadmap,whichengagesinwomen’sleadershipdevelopmentandhelpscompaniestocreateinclusiveworkplaces.

RezvanihasbeenquotedorfeaturedintheWallStreetJournal,NBC,ABC,ForbesWoman,andJezebel,andshewritesacolumnonwomenandleadershipfortheWashingtonPost.Forherworkonthiscolumn,shewontheJaneCunninghamCrolyAwardforExcellenceinJournalismCoveringIssuesofConcerntoWomenin2012.

ShehasaBSandanMSWfromNewYorkUniversityandanMBAfromJohnsHopkins,whereshegraduatedfirstinherclass.

LessonsI’veLearnedThepressuretobea“goodgirl”canconstrainyouineveryareaofyourlife.

Igrewupwithalotofgood-girl-isms:don’trufflefeathers;don’tbetoodirectoraskfortoomuchbecauseyoucouldseementitledorlookdemanding.Theseinternalized“rules”followedmetocollege,whereInoticedmyselfstartingsentencesinclasswith“Thismightbeasillyidea...”or“I’mnotanexpertbut...”Manyofmyfemalepeersalsotookonthisapologeticstyle,whilemaleclassmatesseemedtoconfidentlysharehalf-baked,I-just-thought-of-thiscommentswithease.

Meanwhile,Ilivedwithfourfemaleroommatesanditwashardforustocommunicatedirectlywitheachotherbecausewefearedconfrontation:whatwouldhappenifwedidn’texpressourselvesinjusttherightway?Weworriedaboutirreparablydamagingourrelationshipsifweweretooclearaboutourneeds,andsowedidalotofunnecessaryapologizing.InevernegotiatedforwhatIwantedoradvocatedformyself.Infact,ifIhadaproblemwithoneofmyroommates,Iwouldtalkhonestlyaboutitwitheveryonebutthatperson.Thisanxietyaboutspeakingupalsoaffectedmybuddingprofessionalendeavors.Inmyjobatauniversityoffice,wheresomepeopleweren’tpullingtheirweight,Ididn’twanttosayanythingaboutitforthesakeofkeepingthestatusquoandthepeace.Becauseofself-imposedconstraints,Iavoidedtoughconversationsineveryareaofmylife.

Pursuewhatyoufindmostcompelling,evenifitmeansgoingagainstthegrainorassertingyourselfinnewways.

EventhoughIwentrightfromcollegetograduateschoolinsocialwork,Iknewfairlyquicklythattraditionalsocialworkwasnotforme.Whileinterningatatoughwomen’sshelterinEastNewYork,Ibuiltgreatrelationshipsbutneverfeltathome.Iforcedmyselftodoitanyway,thinking,“Don’tbeaquitter.Youcommittedtothis,youshouldstickwithit.”Meanwhile,IbegantowonderaboutapplyingwhatIwaslearningtowomenintheworkplace.AfterwhatI’dseenandexperiencedinhighschoolandcollege,Iwantedtoempowerwomenandhelpthemtodevelopagencyintheircareers.

Therewasoneproblem:itsoundedridiculouslyunrealistic.Therewasnotasoulinmysocialworkprogramdoinganythinglikethis.Mypeerswantedplacementswiththementallyillandhomeless,withteenmothers—andsoajobwith“workingwomen”meantdoingsomethinglikedrugandalcoholcounselinginanemployeeassistanceprogram.IimaginedthatifIeschewedheavy-dutycounselingforthecorporateworld,peoplewouldthinkIwasdefecting...and

thisstoppedmecold.Iwasafraidofbeingcriticized.Lookingback,IwishIhadhadthecouragetoproposemyout-of-the-boxideaandcampaigntomoveitforward—tosimplyask!—becauseIwouldhavegottenevenmoreoutoftheprogram,anditmighthavehelpedsomeoneelsewhowantedtodosomethingsimilar.

Aftergraduating,Itooktwodifferentjobs:inone,IcounseledHIV-positiveindividuals,andinanotherIworkedwithcrimevictims.Itwaslikewearingajacketthatwaseithertoosmallorthreesizestoobig—neitherfitwell,andbothwereuncomfortable.Butevenwhenmygutsaid,“No,no,no,no,no,”Iforcedit.Iwasn’tconsciousofit,butthefactthatIthoughtIhadtodotraditionalsocialworkmeantthatIwasstilltryingtobea“goodgirl.”

AndthenonedayamentoraskedmewhatI’ddoifIhadamagicwand,iftherewasnointernalchattersaying,Youjustspentallthismoneygettingadegreesoyou’restuckwithit.Ifinallyaskedmyself:Whatdoyoureallywant?WhatkeptcomingtomewasthatIwouldworkwithwomenwhodidn’tfeelempoweredintheircareers.Istartedajobsearch,thinkingexpansively,lookingeverywhere:Monster.com,myhighschoolnetwork,Craigslist,andmore.OnthedaythatIwenttocraigslist,IfoundadescriptionofmydreamjobatafirmcalledtheGreatPlacetoWorkInstitute,whichconsultedtocompaniestryingtocreatebetterworkplacesfortheiremployees.Thedescriptionsaid“master’sdegreepreferred”—andIdidhaveamaster’sdegree!SoIapplied.WhenIwasofferedthejobofsenior-levelprojectmanager,Itookit,andthissetthedirectionfortherestofmycareer.

Embracechallenges;usually,peopledon’texpectyoutodosomethingperfectlyrightaway.

Ilovedmynewjobbecauseitwasrewardingtogiveemployeesavoice;interestingly,IsucceededbecauseofthevaluableskillsI’dlearnedatsocialworkschool.AsIledfocusgroupsandtalkedwithmanagersatcompaniesthatweretryingtocreatebetterworkenvironments,Ilistened,readbodylanguage,andfacilitatedgroupsinaninclusiveway.ItjustreinforcedwhatI’dknownallalong—I’dbeenintherightprogrambutwiththewrongfocusforme.

In2006,IgotmarriedandmyhusbandandImovedtoWashington,DC.Withthreeyearsofconsultingbehindme,Iwasabletofindworkatasimilarfirm,onlynowIwasexpectedtopresentatconferencesandtopublishinmagazinesandjournalsthatpotentialclientsmightread.Duringmyfirstfew

publicspeakingstints,mykneeswereknockingandIforgotpartsofmyspeech,butIfacedmyfearanditgoteasierovertime.Itwasthesamewithwritingandpitchingarticlestomagazines;thefirstpiecesIwrotewerefarfromperfect.Buteachoftheserisks,whethersmallormoresubstantial,builtmyconfidence.IbecamesoemboldenedthatIpitchedsomethingtotheWallStreetJournal—whichfeltlikeabigrisk!—and,tomydelight,theypublishedit.Whenyouhavewinslikethat,youstarttoquestionwhatyou’vebeendoingyourwholelife—whyhaveyoubeenunderminingyourself,insistingonperfection,andanalyzingthingstodeathbeforeyouact?

IstartedthinkingaboutapplyingtobusinessschoolsothatI’dbeabletospeakthesamelanguageaspeopleatthesecompanieswhereIwasworking.AsIappliedforMBAprograms,thefamiliarchantsofself-doubtplayedinmyhead:Whatifyoufail?Youdon’thavethemathskillsorthefinancialacumen.Youdidn’tmajorinanythingevenrelatedtobusiness.ButIwasacceptedtoJohnsHopkinsandonceIgotthere,IknewthatIwasgoingtodrivethisthinguntilthewheelsfelloff,totakeitasfarasitcouldgo.Therewasnoholdingbacknow,novoiceofdoubtthatcouldstopme.

Andthatrelinquishingoffearwasthemostimportantmomentofgrowthforme.IbecameunafraidtoaskforwhatIwantedandtomakeboldsuggestions.EvenwhenIthoughtmyprofessormightlaughinmyface,Itoldhermycraziestidea:Becausesenior-levelexecutivewomenwerelikemythicalcreaturestome—Ididn’tknowany,despiteworkingwithdozensofcorporations—Iwantedtofindthemandaskwhatadvicetheywouldgivetoawomanlikemewhowasatthebeginningofhercareer.IthoughtI’ddosomeinterviewsandputthemintoabookforoneofmyprojects.

Myprofessordidn’tlaugh—quitetheopposite.Shetoldmetogoforit,andshesaidtothinkaboutmy“dreamteam,”thewomenIdidn’teventhinkIcouldget.Takingheradvice,Icompiledalistofveryhigh-levelexecutives,peopleliketheCEOoftheWashingtonPostandthechairoftheEqualEmploymentOpportunityCommission.Tomyshock,manyofthemwerewillingtobeinterviewed.Duringtheseconversations,IlearnedsomuchthatIthoughtmaybetheprojectcouldhelpotherwomen,andIpitchedittoapublisher.ItwaspublishedasTheNextGenerationofWomenLeaders,andthissetthenextphaseofmycareerinmotion.AsIspoke,presented,andledworkshopsinordertopromotethebook,thewholeprocessemboldenedmetodoitforaliving,andonmyownterms.IwasfinallydoingwhatI’dalwayswanted:helpingtoempowerwomenintheworkplace.

IopenedlotsofwrongdoorsbeforefindingtherightonebecauseIdidn’talwayslistentomygut.EventuallyIrealizedthatithasconsistentlybeenthe

bestGPSformeinmakingcareerdecisions.Iwouldadviseyoungwomenthatyoucanputdreamsontheshelf,buttheywillkeeppoppingup,showingthemselvestoyouandsaying,“Hey,whataboutme?Whenareyougoingtogivemeattention?”Don’tletself-imposedconstraintsortheideathatthere’sacertainkindofworkyou’re“supposedtodo”getinthewayoftakingrisksandpursuingwhatyoulove.

SELENAREZVANI’STIPS

•Ididn’ttakeadvantageofsocialworkschooltopursuemyowninterests,butinbusinessschoolItookownershipovermytimeanditwasincredible.Ifyouwalkintograduateschoolwithambitionandusetheresourcesavailabletoyou,youcanhaveaonce-in-a-lifetimeexperience.

•Youdon’thavetobea“mathperson”tothriveatbusinessschool.IworriedthatI’dnevergetintoanyprogram,butIwasacceptedtoanexcellentoneandlovedeveryminuteofit.

•Atschooloratwork,ifyoufindyourselfwishingforanewkindofpolicyorprogram,thenaskforit.Makeagoodsolidproposal.Goandinventtheoptionyouwishwasthere.

•Failingissometimestheonlywayforward.Youcanreadthousandsofbooksaboutpublicspeaking,butuntilyoudoit,youarenotgoingtogrow.Learningthroughexperienceiskey.

D

CARLAHARRIS“Ioftengivespeechesbothinternallyatmanagementfirmsandexternally,andaquestionthatcomesupis,Howdoyoustopfocusingonthefactthatyoumadeabigmistake?Peoplereallystrugglewiththat.SoIgivethelistenersaframework:Stopandlookatyourself.Didyoulearnsomething?Doyouknowwhatdecisionsoractionsledtothemistake?Youmightrealizethatyouneedtobemoreactiveandpresentinyourlife,andinthedecisionsthatyou’remaking,becauseotherwise,lifewillhappentoyou.”

uringherfreshmanyearatHarvard,aneconomicstutortoldCarlaHarrisnottomajorineconomics;shejustdidn’thavethetalent.Herresponsewastogostraighttothefreshmandeanandsignupforeconomicsasa

concentration.Yearslater,oneweekbeforegraduation,shewentlookingforthatsametutor(whowasstilloncampus,workingtowardhisPhD)andfoundhiminthelibrary.“Ijustwantedtotellyou,”shesaid,“thatI’mgraduatingnextweek,magnacumlaude—ineconomics.”Shecreditsherparentsforteachingherto“nevercountyourselfout.”

Thisattitude,alongwithherintelligenceanddrive,hasmadeCarlaHarrisoneofthemostsuccessfulandpowerfulpeopleonWallStreet.Shehasprovidedinvestmentandfinancialadvicetocorporations,publicpensionplans,foundations,andendowmentsduringhertenureatMorganStanley,andsheisresponsibleforenhancingrevenuegenerationthroughclientconnectivityinherroleasvicechairmanandmanagingdirectorthere.

Harrishasbeenrecognizedonnumerouslistsofinfluentialpeople,includingFortune’s“MostPowerfulBlackExecutivesinCorporateAmerica”and“TheMostInfluentialList,”andEssencemagazine’s“50WomenWhoAreShapingtheWorld.”

Inadditiontoherfinancialcareer,shehasathrivingcareerasagospelsingerandhasputoutthreealbums.Shealsowroteanexcellentbook,ExpecttoWin:ProvenStrategiesforSuccessfromaWallStreetVet,filledwithadvicethatshecalls“Carla’sPearls.”Finally,sheisdeeplycommittedtophilanthropicworkthatsupportsyoungpeople’seducationanddevelopment.

LessonsI’veLearnedDon’tbeafraidtoaskquestions.

AftergraduatingfromHarvardBusinessSchool,IwenttoworkonWallStreetbecauseIwasdrawntoitsfastpaceandtotheideathatI’dbeusingbothmystrongquantitativeskillsandmypersonalsenseofjudgment.IbeganmycareerasaninvestmentbankerinmergersandacquisitionsatMorganStanleyandneveranticipatedthatIwouldstillbetheretodayasafullpartner.PartofthereasonthatIlovemyjobisthatI’mabletobringmyauthenticselftothetable—butthatwassomethingIhadtolearntodoovertime.Earlyinmycareer,Ididn’thaveaninternal“mentor,”althoughIlearnedalotthroughmyowncontinualself-assessmentanddrivetoalwaysimprove.Ialsolearnedthroughfeedbackfromcolleagues,evenwhenitwasn’ttactfullyoffered.Forexample,itwasreportedtomethataseniorpersonwonderedifIwas“smartorstupid”becausesheneverheardmyvoiceduringmeetings.IrealizedthatIwassubmergingmyauthenticself,andafterthatImadeitapointtoalwaystrytospeakup.

Ialsolearnedthroughseekingnewchallengesasopportunitiesforgrowth,andaproblemaroseonetimewhenIwasn’twillingtoaskaquestionrelatedtooneofthosechallenges.Inthisparticularcase,Ihadfoughthardforanopportunitytodowhat’scalled“pricingatransaction.”Whenacompanyisseekingtoraiseequitycapital,itwillhireaninvestmentbanktomarketthestock,attractbuyers,andthenpricethestock.Weputtogetheraroadshow,duringwhichthecompanypresentsitselftopotentialshareholdersandwefigureoutwhatthedemandisgoingtobe.Afterabouteightdays,wepricethestockbasedonourunderstandingofthedemandandmarketdynamics.

Whenyou’repricinganydeal,younotonlyallocatethenumberofsharesthatareinthestateddealsize;youaddanadditional15percentincasethere’sunforeseensellingpressurethedayaftershareshavebeenpriced—meaningincaseyourstockisnotsellingaswellasyou’dlike.Thatway,youcanbuythat15percentbackandactuallyhelpsupporttheprice.Goingintoapricingdeal,ifyou’renotsurewhatthebuyingdemandforthestockwillbe,youmightevensellanadditional15percentsothatyoucouldbuybackatotalof30percentifnecessary,furthersupportingtheprice.Thisiscalled“goingnaked.”However,you’dnevergonakedwhenyouthoughttherewasgoingtobealotofaftermarketbuyingdemand.Ifinvestorswantthestock,they’llbuyit,whichwillpushthepriceup.

Inthiscase,oneofmyfirsttimespricingatransaction,Ididn’treallyunderstandthis,andIdidn’twanttoexposemyselfasnotknowingsomething.Theguywhohadpricedthedealrightbeforeminehad“gonenaked”andsoIthoughtIneededtodothesame.Theproblemwasthathe’ddoneitbecausehewasn’tsurewhatthebuyingdemandforthestockwouldbe,andheneededtoprotectthepriceintheaftermarket.Alternatively,mydealwasinstellarshape.Ihaddemandforthestockthatfarexceededtheamountwewereselling,andtherewasnoneedformeto“gonaked.”

Ididn’tyetunderstandthesenuances.Isoldextrasharesofthestockandthenwatchedasthepriceshotstraightuponceitwasofferedontheopenmarket.ThisputmyfirminabadpositionbecauseIhadtobuybackthestockatanincreasedprice.Itwasacostlymistakeandmyfirmlostmoney.

ThatdayIlearnedthatifyoudon’tknow,youneedtoask.Oftenwedon’twanttoaskforhelpbecausewedon’twanttobeexposedasunknowledgeable,orwe’reafraidthatsomebodywillrejectusandnotevengiveusthehelp.Butifsomeoneturnsyoudown,justthink,“Next!”—becausesomebodyelsewillhelpyou.

Ifyoumakeabig,publicmistakethenownitinabig,publicway.

Ifeltterribleaboutthatmistake,andtheguiltcontinuedformanydays.Meanwhile,aguywhoworkedatmybankdecidedtomakeabigdealaboutthefactthatI’dmadeamistake.Hewentaroundonthefloorofourdepartment,talkingtomypeersandcolleagues,saying,“Wow,canyoubelieveit!Oh,mygosh,we’restilllosingmoneyonthattransaction.Boy,thatwasreallycostly.Idon’tthinkI’veseenanythinglikethatinmycareer.”

Finally,afteracoupleofweeks,Igottiredofitandfiguredoutawaytostopit.Itookhimintoaroomandsaid,“You’vealwaysbeenverysupportiveofme,andIknowyouwanttoseemedowell.IjustwanttoletyouknowthatIunderstandthesignificanceofthismistake;Ilearnedfromit,andIunderstanditwasexpensive.Youdon’tneedtokeeptalkingaboutitandI’msureIwon’thearfromyouaboutitagain,right?”Thatwastheendofthat.Sometimesaface-to-faceconversationisthebestwaytodefuseadifficultpersonality.Ifthepersonistryingtointimidateorbullyyou,thelastthingyouneedtodoisrunandhide,becauseyouincreasetheirpower.Butifyoustanduptoitandsay,“Hey,Iseeyou,”thenmostofthetime,theyevaporate.

Ialsolearnedthatwheneveryoneknowsthatyoumadeamistake,youneed

tomakesuretheyalsoknowyou’retakingresponsibility.Yourownershiphastobebiggerthanthedealthatsomecolleagueismaking.Ihadgonetomybossbehindcloseddoorsandapologized,butIalsoshouldhavebeengoingtocolleaguesandpeersonthefloor,publiclyjokingandtalkingaboutmyself,sayingthingslike,“Ican’tbelieveIdidthat.IfIdidn’tunderstandwhatitmeansto‘gonaked,’Isureunderstanditnow.”Wheneverthere’saserioussituation,humorcanbeanimportanttool.Don’tuseittodownplaywhatyoudid,butifyoushowthatyoucanjokeaboutyourself,yourpeerswillrespectyoumoreoftenthannot.

OnWallStreet,thingsmovequicklyandIwassoonassignedtoanothertransactionthatgotpricedthenextweek.Icouldn’tallowmyselftobeafraidthatImightmakethesamemistake—andIknewIwouldn’t.I’dlearnedmylesson:neveragainwouldIhaveaquestionandnotasksomebody.Heckno.

CARLAHARRIS’STIPS

•Ifyoumakeabigmistakeandeverybodyatworkknowsaboutit,thenletpeopleknowthatyoulearnedfromitandwon’trepeatit.Thatpreventsotherpeoplefromhavingleverageoveryou.

•Rarelyisamistakefatal.There’sarecoverystrategyforeverysingleone,sothekeyistoaskyourself:HowdidIgethere?WhatlessondidIlearn?Thenbrushitoffandmoveon,period.

•Women,morethanmen,tendtoholdontotheirmistakes—anditbecomeslikeheavybaggage,creatingacompetitivedisadvantage.Therearen’tenoughpeopletellingyoungwomenthatmistakesaren’tabigdealandthattheyneedtosetdownthatbaggage.

•WhileIdidn’thaveaninternalmentor,earlyonIdidhaveasponsor.Asponsorissomeonewhoiswillingtoadvocateforyoubehindcloseddoors.Heorshedoesn’thavetohavearealpersonalrelationshipwithyoubutdoesneedtohavealotofrespectforyourwork.OnceIbecameoneoftheseniorpeoplewhowouldgointoaroomandevaluatethejuniorpeople,Irealizedhowsubjectivetheprocessreallyis,whichjustconfirmedmybeliefintheimportanceofhavingsomeonewhowillgotobatforyou.

I

PARTIII

LearningtoSayNo

nhisbookWorkingwithEmotionalIntelligence,DanielGolemancitesamajorreviewofthedataonmale-femalesexdifferences,onethatrevealsmen“haveasmuchlatentabilityforempathy,butlessmotivationtobeempathic,

thandowomen.”Whilemenarerewardedforbeingtoughbecauseit’smacho,Golemansays,middle-classAmericanwomenarebroughtuptobe“emotionallysensitive”becauseit’sseenasfeminine.Thisdichotomydoesn’tservethatgroup—orfemalesingeneral—anditcanresonateinscrewed-up,infuriatingwaysatwork.SherylSandbergsumsitupinherwell-researchedbestsellerLeanIn:“Ifawomaniscompetent,shedoesnotseemniceenough.Ifawomanseemsreallynice,sheisconsideredmorenicethancompetent.Sincepeoplewanttohireandpromotethosewhoarebothcompetentandnice,thiscreatesahugestumblingblockforwomen.”

We’retrulycaughtinadoublebind:Whendoesassertivebecomeaggressive?Atwhatpointdoesbeinggenerousandhelpfulactuallymeanbeingapushover?Andwhatdoesallthismeanforsettingboundariesatwork?“Whenwomenfeeltheycan’tsayno,”saysCarrieBaker,awomenandgenderstudiesprofessoratSmithCollege,“they’reoftenreactingtorealinterpersonalandstructuralbarriers.”Ontheflipside,thepressuretobe“nice”andaccommodatingmaymeanthatsomewomentakeontoomuch.

Interestingly,beyondofficewallswherewomenstilldomorecaregivingthanmen,theopportunitytosaynobecauseofworkcanactuallycomeasarelief.AnnaHolmes,foundingeditorofJezebel.com,toldmethatwritingherfirst

bookwasarevelationbecauseshefinallyhadanexcusetonotbeavailabletoeveryoneinherlife.“Ithinkalotofwomenprobablyfeelthisway,”shesaid,“butI’dbeensocializedtobeaccommodatingandtohelpotherpeople—bothfamilyandfriends.Forthefirsttime,IfeltlikeIhadanexcusetosayno.No,Icannottalktoyouonthephone.No,Icannothelpyouwiththat.No,Icannotgoouttodinner.Justno,no,no,no.Anditfeltveryfreeing.”

IthoughtofHolmesasIworkedtocompletethisbook—saying“no,no,no”inordertomeetadeadline—andtheresultwasthatIfeltthesamewayshedid.It’sliberatingto“beselfish,”asHolmesputit,tochoosewhat’srightforyoubecauseyoumustinordertocompleteatask.AndIthinkofthepowerof“no”asIseestudentstakeonmountingresponsibilitiesuntiltheyfeelcompletelyoverwhelmed—andthendreadbackingoutofanyofthem.Sometimeseachofushastoprioritize,evenifitmeansdisappointingsomeoneorquittingacommitment.Inasocietywherewe’reexpectedtobebusyallthetime,wherepeopletouttheiroverwhelmednessasifitmeansthey’rewinningatsomecrazygame,sayingnocanactuallybeawonderfulfeeling.

Thecontributorsinthefollowingsectionsaynototakingonmorethantheycanpossiblyhandle;notointernalizingtheindifferenceofabadsupervisor;nototeenagerswhopushthelimits;notoameaninglessjob.Iftheseexperienceshadbeeneasy,theywouldn’tmakeverygoodstories.Instead,theyweredifficult—andrepresentedimportantturningpointsforeachcontributor.Ihopethatthey’llgiveyouthecouragetosaynowhenyouneedto.

D

ANNAHOLMES“Someonehadhandedmethisopportunitytomakesomethingthatdidn’texistbefore,andIreallyfeltlikeithadtosucceed.Therewasnooptionoffailurebecausethiswasthefirsttimethatmynamewasgoingtobeonthetopofsomething.Ifsomeonesaidtomenow,‘Doyouwanttocreateawebsite?’Iwouldcreatealittlemorebalance.WithJezebel,Ionlytookcareofthesite—andnotmyself.”

uringalongconversationwithAnnaHolmes,whichwasinterruptedbythefactthatshehadtotakeherveryoldcattothevet,shewasthoughtful,incisive,andcompletelywithoutpretense.Itmakessensethatshewasthe

founderofJezebel.com,theblogforwomenthatcameonthescenein2007withamanifestosayingitseditors“wantedtomakethesortofwomen’smagazinewe’dwanttoread.”IttookoffinwaysthatsurpassedHolmes’soranyoneelse’sexpectations;withoveramillionreadersvisitingthesitemonthly,itbecamethego-toplaceforsharpandhilariouscommentaryonpopcultureandmedia.Saloncalledit“asitewhosesuccesshasofferedoneofthebestexamplesoftheheretoforedubiouspossibilitythatfeminism,politicsandhighculturecouldeffectivelybemixedwithpopculture,comedyandlowculture.”

BeforefoundingJezebel,HolmesworkedatEntertainmentWeekly,Glamour,Star,andInStyle.Herfirstbook,HellHathNoFury:Women’sLettersfromtheEndoftheAffair,waspublishedin2003.SheleftJezebelin2010.Sincethen,shehasbeenworkingasafreelancewriterandhasdevelopedandeditedTheBookofJezebel:AnIllustratedEncyclopediaofLadyThings,whichwaspublishedinOctober2013.

LessonsI’veLearnedWhetheryougetpromotedornot,whetheryou’repartofthe“coolkidsclub”ornot—thesethingsarenotindicativeofyourworth.

Aftercollege,Iwashiredasanassistanttoaneditoratapopularentertainment

magazine.Iwasexcitedtobewithcoworkerswhotalkedintelligentlyandanalyticallyaboutpopularculture,andIenjoyedthesenseofmomentumthatcamewithaweeklyprintdeadline—ofcourse,thiswaspre-Internet.Myjobwastoopenmyboss’smailandanswerherphone,butIwasalsogiventhechancetowriteandpitchstoryideas.Everyweek,twelve“assistanttypes”wouldsittogetherforapitchmeetingwithmyboss,andinitiallyitwasalotoffuntoworkinsuchacollaborativeenvironment.Soon,though,itbegantofeellikehighschool.Therewasalotofone-upping,asifalltheassistantswerecompetingwitheachother,andthree“coolkids”whoweremyboss’sfavoritesemergedfromthepack.They’dshootdownormakefunofeveryoneelse’spitches.Eventually,Ithinkmyenthusiasmandcontinualstreamofideasbrandedmeassomeonewhowasn’tasstylishlyaloofassomeofmycoworkers.

Onetime,weweresittingaroundthetableandIpitchedanideaaboutthetrendofscreenplays(likeQuentinTarantino’sPulpFiction)beingpublishedandsoldasliterature.Mybossapprovedit.Itwasthefirsttimeshehadgivenmethego-aheadtoreportandwriteafeature—beforethis,I’ddonemuchshorter,front-of-the-bookitems.ItmeantalottomethatI’dpossiblyhavemynameonalongerpiece.Iwroteadraft,andwasofcourseopentomakingrevisions,butsherevieweditandjustsaid,“No,thisisn’tworking.”Shedidn’tsaywhyorofferadviceabouthowtofixit.Ithoughtitwasgoodmaterial,andofcourseIknewthatthefirstdraftwouldn’tbeperfect;still,shedidn’tseemtowanttomentororguideme.Itwasalmostasifshefoundmyenergyandenthusiasmexhausting.BecauseIwasn’tbeingembracedinthewayI’dhopedfor,Irememberfeelingvulnerableanddisappointed,thinking,“Maybethere’ssomethingwrongwithme.MaybeI’mnotassharpasIthought.”

Atthetime,Iwasaroundtwenty-oneandmybosswasthirty.NowIunderstandthatthirtyisprettyyoung—maybeshedidn’tknowhowtobeamentor.I’vealsocometorealizethatshewasgrapplingwithherownsetofinternalpolitics:themagazinewasrunbymenandit’spossiblethatshethoughtshehadtobelikethem,whichmeantnotthinkingtoomuchaboutguidingyoungwomen.ButIhadnosenseofthatatthetime.AllIknewwasthatIbelievedmygoodworkwouldberewardedwithapromotion,andeventuallyitbecameclearthatitwouldn’tbe.Forafewmonths,Isatinstunnedsemi-silence.Ididn’tknowwhattodowithmyself.I’dbeentherefortwoandahalfyearsanditwasalmostlikealoveaffair—Iwasdevotedtoonemagazineandcouldn’timaginedoinganythingelse.IeventuallyhadtocometotermswiththefactthatIwasn’tgettingrecognizedformyhardworkandmadethechoicetoleavethatmagazinetoworkforHBO.

IwishIcouldgobacktothepersonIwasattwenty-oneandsay,“You’llbe

fine.Thisisnotthewayeverybossis.Thewayshe’sactinghasnothingtodowithyourtalentandpotential.”Butit’sdifficulttoseepastthingswhenyou’reinthemiddleofthem,especiallywhenyou’reworkingsohardthatyourjobisnearlyallyoudo.

Dotakerisksifit’sfinanciallyfeasible.

In2006,IwasworkingatInStylemagazineandwasfairlycontent.Idon’thavemuchinterestinfashionorinwhatcelebritieswear,butthemagazinewasn’toffensivetomebecauseweweren’tinstructingwomenonhowtolivetheirlives(asmanywomen’smagazinescan).Itwasaveryprofessionalworkplace,andIfeltmorelikeanadultandarespectedcolleaguethanIhadinpreviousjobs.

Oneday,abloggerfriendapproachedmebecauseshe’dbeenaskedbyGawkerMediatostartsomethingtentativelytitledTheGirlyGawker.SheaskedifIwantedtohelpwithit,andIsaidno—butthenspenttwohourstalkingwithheraboutwhatitcouldbe.I’mgladthatIwasself-awareenoughtothink,“Okay,Isaidonethingbutjustdidanother.MaybeIaminterested,andmaybeIshouldthinkaboutthisalittleharder.”

Ataroundthesametime,InStyleofferedmeapositionrunningitswebsite.SuddenlyIhadtwoopportunities:oneforastablecompanywithgoodbenefitsandtheotheratGawker,anewInternetcompany.Ittookmesometimetoweighouttheprosandcons.Ihadspentmostofmyearlycareernotdoingthingsthatwereriskybecauseoffinancialconstraints.It’seasyforpeopletosay“dosomethingthatscaresyou,”butsometimesfinancialpressuresaren’tconducivetothat.Itcanbeparalyzingwhenyouoweseventythousanddollarsincollegeloansandyouknowthatlatepaymentswillleadtobadcredit.Gawkerseemedriskyforfinancialreasonsalone.Italsodidn’thelpthatnooneinmysocialcirclewasleavingprinttoworkonawebsite.TheInternetwasstilllookeddownuponasalesserformofmedia.ButwhenIthoughtaboutmycareer,IwasafraidthatIwasgoingtospendtherestofmylifecaptioningredcarpetphotographsandwritingaboutthingsthatboredme.Thefearofinertia—careerwise—outweighedanyfearIhadoffailing.

Iagreedtodoit,andtwoweekslatermyfrienddecidedthatshewassickofNewYorkandwantedtomovebacktoLondon.Shedidn’twanttoworkonthesiteanymore.

ThepeopleatGawkersaid,“Okay,then,you’regoingtodoitonyourown.”Suddenlymynamewasgoingtobeonthetopofthissite—whetheritsucceeded

orfailed,thatwouldbeonme.Iagreedtocontinuewiththejobonmyown,notthinking,“I’mgoingtodoacourageousthing,”butthinking,“Thisisfuckingscary.”

IspentthreeorfourmonthsdecidingwhatIwantedthesitetobeandinterviewingwriters.Thedesignandnamewereworkedout.Ihiredtwopeopleandwebegantestbloggingjusttogetafeelforwhatthepaceandvoicewouldbelike.Ilovedthattimebeforethesitewentlive;IfeltlikeIwasgettingpaidtositaroundandimagineandplan.Therewasacertainamountofstressinvolved,butweweren’tyettetheredtothenewscycle.Icouldbecontemplativeandcreativeandnotfeelthepressuretobangoutonepostafteranother.

InMay2007,Jezebelwasintroducedtotheworld.Itwasterrifyingandexciting,andwithinamonthorso,itseemedlikeweweredoingsomethingright.Readershipwasgrowingandweweregettingsomepress.Forthefirsttimeinmycareer,Ihadautonomy:Icouldhaveideasandexecutethemwithoutrunningthemthroughlayersofmanagement.Ifinallyhadagreatconduitforalltheenergythathadn’tbeenappreciatedatmyveryfirstjob—andIgotfeedbackandresultsthatweredirectlytiedtothatenergyandenthusiasm.IfIworkedhard,appliedmyself,andletmyideasrunwild...thereaderslikedit.Wegotmoretraffic.

PartofthereasonthatJezebelstruckachordwasthatweexpressedgenuineoutrageaboutanumberofthings—notallrelatedtopopculture.Wewerewritingaboutthewaronwomenandthewaronabortionrights.Wewerewritingaboutbeingfedupwith“women’smedia.”Infact,Jezebelwouldn’thaveexistedwithoutmyyearsoffeelingfrustratedwiththecontentIwasbeingaskedtoproduceatwomen’smagazines.

Andtherewasalotoffrustrationbubblingunderthesurface.Irememberoneeditorwhohadwantedmetowriteafeaturecalled“What’sYourSecretSexualPersonality?”ShethoughtitwouldlookgoodonthecoverandsoI’dhadtomakeitallup,callinga“dreamexpert”andsomepsychologists.Therewasnoreasonforthatstorytoexist,otherthanthatshethoughtitwouldsellcopies.Anothertime,thesamemagazinehadwantedasexstorywith“anOlympictheme”—thiswasaroundthetimeofthe2000Olympics—andI’dhadtoinventvaguelyathleticsexmoves.Ihaddonethesekindsofsoul-killingstorieseverymonth;pursuinganykindofcritiquewouldhavejustgottenmecanned.WithJezebel,thecritiquewasthestory—auniquepositionthatIrelished.

Soon,hundredsofthousandsofpeoplewerecomingtothesite.Atonepoint,CNNdidascreengrabofacommentmadebyaJezebelreader,andIthought,“What?PeopleatCNNarereadingit?”Iwantedtoinfluencetheculturalconversationonwomeninthemedia—andwhenitbecameclearthattosome

degreewewere,itfeltlikeabigresponsibility.IranJezebelforfouryears,andIsawthattheharderIworked,thebiggerthe

sitegotandthehappierthereadersandstafferswere.Inaway,JezebelfeltlikemoreofameritocracythananythingI’deverworkedon,andthat’swhatwassoseductiveaboutit.Irealized,“Okay,ifIworkat110percent,Igetgoodresults.IfIworkalittleharder,I’llgetevenmoreoutofit.”Butthissuccesshadpersonalrepercussions:Ineverrelaxed.

Takecareofyourself.

JezebelwasmorepopularthanIhadeveranticipated.EventuallyIwasmanagingnotonlysixstaffersbutalsotheexpectationsandpersonalitiesofmillionsofreaders,someofwhomwereextremelyvocal,demanding,andinconstantintheiraffections.

“Whyaren’tyoupostingaboutthis?”“I’msickofreadingaboutthat!”“Howdareyoutakethatopiniononthissubject!”Readerswhowerequicktoexpressfrustrationandunlikelytoexpress

happinesswereintheminority,butdealingwiththemstartedtowearmedown.Ididn’tneedtohavemybackstrokedallthetime,butwewereexpectedtomoderatecommentsandrespondwhenpossible,andthiswasexhausting,likeawholeotherjob.

Iwasincreasinglystressed.NotonlywasIpostingonceeverytenminutesfortwelvehoursstraight,butIalsoworkedforthetwoandahalfhoursbeforewestartedpostingandlateintothenighttoprepareforthenextday.Atamonthlymagazine,evenifyou’reatyourdeskfortwelvehoursaday,yougetupandgotolunch,youhaveaconversationwithanothereditorortakeaphonecall—youdothingsthatnormalpeopledo.ButworkinginthewaythatIwas,Iburnedmyselfout.

AfterIfinallyleft,ittookoverayeartodecompress.IfoundithardtotearmyselfawayfromthecomputerandeventuallyrealizedthatIwasreplicatingmyJezebellifestylewithoutgettingpaidforit.Istartedseeingfriends,goingouttolunch.Istartedexercisingandtakingcareofmyhealth.Ihadbeenaddictedtothenewscycleandtheconversationsthatweregoingon,alwaysafraidthatIwasgoingtomisssomething,butfinallyIrealizedthatifitwasimportantenough,I’dhearaboutit.IttookayearuntilIwasfocusingmoreonmyselfthanonwhatwashappeningontheInternet.

AsrewardingasJezebelwas,Idon’teverwanttogobacktothatkindoflifestyle.WithwhateverIdonext,Iwantbothtofeelasenseofownershipandtohavesomefreedom.AndIthinkthat’sanimportantmessagetodrivehome.

ANNAHOLMES’STIPS

•It’snoteasytodowhatyouwant,especiallyifyouhavestudentloanstopayorpeopletotakecareof,butifgiventheopportunity,trytochallengeyourself.Trytochoosethethingthat’sscaryratherthanwhat’sexpected.

•Don’tletotherpeopledefinewhoyouare.Whenyou’refeelingunappreciatedatwork,justletyourselffeelannoyed.Don’tseeitasasignofworthlessness.

•Everywomancanlearnhowtosaynoalittlebitmoreinherpersonallifeandalsoinherprofessionallife,prioritizingherselfandherownneeds.

S

LUMAMUFLEH“Wheneverthere’saformthatsaysfillinyouroccupation,Iput‘coach.’Idon’tput‘CEO’or‘executive.’Andsomepeopledon’tthink‘coach’isarespectablecareer.‘YouwenttoSmithCollegeandyou’reacoach?’Iam.AndI’vegottentothisplacebecauseIwastruetomyself,butalsobecauseIknewthatIwasn’tgoingtogetitrightaway.Iwasn’tgoingtofigurethisoutatagetwenty-two.”

ittingwithLumaMuflehandtalkingaboutherwork,youcanfeelherpassionforwhatshedoes,andhercompletelackofego.MuflehistheCEOoftheFugeesFamily,whichisanonprofitdevotedtochildsurvivorsof

war.WhenshestartedtheFugeesinClarkston,Georgia,itwasasmalloperationthatgaverefugeeboysfreeaccesstoorganizedsoccerteams.Asshespenttimewiththeboys,whocamefromplaceslikeAfghanistan,Bosnia,Congo,Iraq,Liberia,Somalia,andSudan,shesawthemstrugglingtolearnEnglishastheycopedwiththeemotionalaftermathofwitnessingterriblethingsintheirhomecountries.Shestartedtoworkwiththechildren’sparents,helpingthemwithtranslationandeventuallydevelopingabusinesscalledFreshStartforAmerica,ahousecleaningcooperativeforrefugeewomen.NowFugeesFamilyhasgrowntoincludethefirstaccreditedindependentschoolforrefugeesintheUnitedStates(FugeesAcademy),aswellasafter-schooltutoring,anacademicenrichmentsummercamp,andsoccerteamsforeighty-sevengirlsandboys.

WhenIinterviewedMufleh,shewasinNorthampton,Massachusetts,tospeakatalocalprivateschool,butshestoppedatSmithCollegetotalktoasmallgroupoverpizza.Itwasclearthatherconnectiontothenonprofitwasnotconfinedtotheorganizationalaspectsofrunningit;shealsohadpersonalconnectionswiththerefugeechildrenandtheirfamilies.Shetoldusthatthelasttimeshehadbeenabouttotakeavacation,she’dmadeajoketothekidsthatiftheycalledherwhileshewasaway,shewouldchargethemeachadollar.Oneofthekidswasvisiblyupsetandtoldher,“Iknowyou’renevercomingback.”Mufleh,whoissodeeplyawareofthelivesofherstudents,realizedthatheroffhandedcommentwasn’tajoketothisstudent—theideaofherleavingwasfrighteningforsomeonewhohadlostfamilymembersinhishomecountry.So

shetookoffherwatch—shedoesn’tgoanywherewithoutit—andgaveittohim,sayingthathecouldkeepituntilshereturned.“Hestillcalledmeeverydayforthenextweek,”shetoldus,“butIhadtoprovetohimthatIwasgoingtoshowup,thatIwasgoingtofollowthrough.”

LessonsI’veLearnedYoumightnotalwaysknowyourcareerpathrightoffthebat—buthavepatiencewithyourself.

GrowingupinawealthyfamilyinJordan,Iattendedprivateschoolandrarelysocializedwithpoorkids.Ithrewabirthdaypartyeveryyearandinvitedeveryoneinmyclass,andIrememberthistimewhenoneofthefewkidsonscholarshiptoldmehewasn’tcoming.IaskedwhyandreassuredhimthatI’dsendmydrivertogethim.Hedidn’tbelieveme,andhestillrefusedtocome—Ithinkhedidn’twantmetofindoutwhathislifeoutsideofschoolwaslike.Thiswasmyfirstglimpseoflifeoutsideofmyownprivilegedexistence.

Afterhighschool,IleftJordantostudyatSmithCollegeintheUnitedStates.MybestfriendatSmithwasfromabackgroundthatwastheoppositeofmine;infact,shehadgrownupinatrailer.EveryoneinourhousewonderedhowthisJordanian“princess”andthisfirst-generationstudenthadhititoffsowell,butwebothhaddysfunctionalfamiliesandsomehowhadthesameperspectiveonnearlyeverything.ShetaughtmeaboutlifeinawaythatIwouldneverhavebeenabletolearninJordan,becausewewouldneverhavebeeninthesameenvironment.

Ihadawonderfulexperienceincollege,butwhenIgraduated,Ididn’thaveasenseofwhatIwantedtodo.IknewthatIdidn’twanttogohome—butthatwasallIknew.EveryoneelsewasgettingagraduatedegreeorgoingtolawschoolorworkingonWallStreet,butIneededsometimetofigureoutwhatshouldcomenext.Ithinkalotofwhatwewantisshapedbyourparents’andourpeers’expectations,andsoyougofromkindergartenthroughcollegewithoutpausingtoask,whatdoIwant?AndIneededtimetoconsiderthat.

Ihitrockbottomprettyquicklybecauseofsomeissueswithmyfamily.IwasdeterminedtostayintheUnitedStatesbutmypapershadn’tallcomethrough.ImovedtoAtlantabecausetheweatherremindedmeofhome,andIworkedinrestaurants.Iwouldn’tgotoanyalumnaeeventsbecauseIwasashamedtosay,“I’mawaitress.”

Isoonstartedvolunteeringasacoachforagirls’soccerteamatthelocalYMCA.Althoughitwasenjoyable,Ibecamefrustratedwiththeoverlycompetitivenatureofyouthsoccer.Duringthistime,I’doftendrivetoneighboringClarkston,wheretherewasaMiddleEasterngrocerystorethatsoldfoodsthatremindedmeofhome.Oneday,aftermissingmyturn,Ifoundmyselfdrivingbyanapartmentcomplexandsawsomekidsplayingpickupsoccer.Thewaytheyplayed—barefoot,withamakeshiftballandnogoal—remindedmeofthesoccerI’dgrownupwithinJordan.Itaffectedme.Iwentbackthenextday,thistimearmedwithasoccerball.Littlebylittle,wegottoknoweachother.Theywererefugeesfromwar-torncountriesinAfrica,Asia,theMiddleEast.Theydidn’tspeakmuchEnglish,buttheyalllovedsoccer.Ibecametheircoach.Wenamedourselves“Fugees,”shortfor“refugees.”

TheFugeesbeganasoneteambutquicklybecametwoandthenthree.Siblingswouldcomeandsay,“Coach,IwannabeaFugee,”andsowegrew.Someseasonswehadcleats;otherswe’dbescramblingtofindthem.Somedayswe’dgetkickedoffthefieldorlockedout.Iwastutoringthekidsbutwehadnospacetostudy,soweusedheadlightsfrommycarinthepark,orflashlightsinthehallwaysoftheirapartmentbuildings.

Meanwhile,Ilearnedaboutthesekids’educationalandhomelives.Often,theirparentsmademinimumwageandwouldliterallyrunoutoffoodbytheendofthemonth.Atschool,theyweresetupforfailurefromdayone,putin“age-appropriate”classeseventhoughthey’dhadnoformalschooling.Theywereexpectedtotakealgebraalthoughtheycouldn’tadd,tostudyShakespeareevenwhentheycouldn’tread.Thekidsgotpassedthroughthesystemsothattheywouldn’tbeaburden—andforthelongesttimeIsawthisanddidnothing.Butatacertainpoint,whenI’dspentenoughtimewiththem,thesekidsandtheirfamiliesbecamemyown.IfinallyknewthateventhoughIdidn’thaveaplan,thesubstandardsoccerfieldsandusedcleatswerenolongeracceptable.Thelackofaccountabilityandsupportintheschoolsystemwasunacceptable.

Imetwiththeparentsofsomeofmyplayersandpresentedthemwithanidea:Iwouldraisefundstohireateacherwhocouldgivetheirkidsmoreindividualizedinstruction,allowingthemtobridgethegapsandtrulylearnsomething.Theparentsofsixstudentswerewillingtotakealeap,andinthefallof2007theFugeesAcademybegan.Eachyeartheschoolhasgrown,anditisnowthefirstaccreditedindependentschoolforrefugeesintheUnitedStates.Itoperatesoutoftwofloorsofrentedchurchspaceandservesaco-edstudentbodyofeighty-sevenmiddleandhighschoolers.Fund-raisingisabigpartofwhatIdo,butIalsoserveasprincipal,teacher,andheadcoach.Theyear-roundprogrammingrunsfromsixththroughtenthgrade,andwe’llgraduateourfirst

classofseniorsin2016.Allkidsattheschoolplaysocceronourteams,andItellthemthattheyneed

tobeengagedphysically,mentally,andemotionallyinbothacademicsandonthefield.“Wecareaboutyou,”Itellthemonopeningdayeveryyear.“Wewillaskalotofyou,butwearealsogivingalot.Weseeeachoneofyouascapableofgrowing,ofsucceeding.Butthatwon’thappenunlessyouarewillingtoworkforit.Andthat’swhythestandardsherearehigh,it’swhywe’rehardonyou—becausewebelieveinyou.”Thisseemstoreallymakeanimpact.Idon’tthinkkidseverhearthattheirschoolcaresaboutthem.

I’vealwaysbeenthepersonwiththevisionfortheschool,buttomakeitactuallyhappen,I’veneededtorecruitpeoplewhoaremuchmoreorganizedandextrovertedthanIam.Surroundingmyselfwithcolleagueswhoaretotallyunlikememakesmestronger.WhatIlove—andwhatIthinkismyrealstrength—iscoachingandbeingwiththekids.Whenmyboardwantstosendmeoutontheroadtofund-raise,IoftentellthemthatIcan’tspeakaboutourmissionandourworkifIdon’tspendmostofmytimeoutonthefieldcoachingordoingthingslikehavingdinnerinkids’homes.Andthekidsalwaysneedtoknowtheyaremoreimportantthananyawardoranyrecognitionthatourschoolgets.

I’malwayspushingourteachers:Howcanwecreateanenvironmentwhereeveryonefeelscapable?Ifakidisstruggling,whatcanwedobetter?Doesheneedone-on-oneattention?Additionalservices?Wediscusseachandeverykid—thedetailsofhisorherhomelife,academiclife,athleticlife.Weaskourselves:wherecanwehelpeachkidfeelconfident?Iftheystartfeelingconfidentinonearea,itaffectsalltheotherareas.Westillhavefailureswithkids.Failureswithintheorganizationarehardtorecoverfrom—butfailureswiththekidsareharder.

Bemindfulofwhenakid’sstoryresonateswithyou,andofthewaysinwhichthismightaffectyourbehavior.

OnemistakeinmycareerpaththatreallystandsouthastodowithmytreatmentofastudentnamedDuke,whowasprobablythemostgiftedsoccerplayerIevercoached.Hewasn’tarrogantabouthisskills;hewasveryhumble.Hetookcareoftheweakerplayers.Iremembergameswherehecouldhavescoredthreeorfourgoalsbutwouldsetupfortheweakerplayerstoscore.Hewasverymuchateamplayer,andasacoach,Ialwaysappreciatedit.

DukewasfifteenandhadcometoClarkstonwithhistwenty-two-year-old

brotheraftertheirparentshadbeenkilledintheLiberianwar.Ifeltforhim,maybebecauseinawayI’dalsolostmyparents—theywerethousandsofmilesawayandbarelyspoketome—andIveryquicklyestablishedadifferentsetofstandardsforhimthanIhadfortheotherkids.

Dukestruggledacademically.WhenhearrivedinAmerica,hedidn’tknowhowtoreadorwriteandItookapersonalinterestinseeingthatchange.I’dgotohishouseandliterallydraghimoutofbedandtakehimtoschool.Ialsotoldhimheneededtocometotutoringeverynight—buthedidn’twanttoshowupfortutoringinfrontoftherestoftheteam.“Itwouldactuallybebeneficialforthemtoseeaweaknessinyou,”Itoldhim,andwhenhestillrefusedIsaid,“I’lltutoryouprivately,orI’llbringsomeonetodoitatthelibrary.”Stillhewouldn’tcome.

Athome,noonetookcareofhim;itwasjustthreeboyslivingtogether,eachfendingforhimself.Iwasstruckbythat.Andsoifhesaidthathewashungry,IwouldgoandbuyhimgroceriesortakehimtoMcDonald’s.Onthefield,Iwouldmakeexcusesforhim.Ifheshoweduplate,hewouldstillgettopractice;othertardykidswouldhavetorunlapsthewholetime.Normallyifkidsskippracticealtogether,theydon’tgettoplayingames—buthedid.Inaway,Iwastreatinghimlikeavictim,andIthinkalotofpeoplewhoworkwithvulnerablekids,kidswhohavehadhardlives,dothesamething.Wemakeexcusesforthemandit’sdamaging.

OnedayIwastalkingtoanotherkidontheteamwhohappenedtobefailingallhisclasses.Iwasrippingintohim,sayinghehadtogetittogetherorhewouldn’tbeabletoplay,andhesaid,“What,I’mnotDuke?IcanneverbeDukeforyou.”

Thestatementstoppedmeshort.HethoughthewaslesserthanDukeinmyeyes.Itwaslikeaslapintheface.Ithoughttomyself,WhatamIdoing?I’mnotbeingfairtotherestofthesekids.IrealizedthathavingtreatedDukedifferentlyfromtheothersmadetheteamweaker;Ihadtochangemyattitudeandsetappropriateboundariesforhim,justasIdidwithmyotherstudents.

Bythatpoint,Dukewasn’tgoingtoschoolregularly.Hewasfailinghalfhisclasses.Hecouldn’tread,buthegotbyonhischarmandathleticism.FinallyIcrackeddown,butstillhethoughthecouldtalkhiswayoutofit.Ittookayear,buteventuallyIhadtolethimgo.Oncehewasgone,kidssawthattheircoachmeantwhatshesaid—thattheyneededtogotoschool,toshowupontimeforpracticesandgames.Andsotheteamandtheprogrambecamealotstronger.

Atthesametime,it’sstillsomethingthatmakesmesadtothinkabout.Dukeendedupdroppingoutofschoolsixmonthsafterhewaskickedoutoftheprogram,andhe’sfatheredthreechildrenatayoungage.Isawthegoodnessin

him,likeyoudowithallkids,andIwantedittocomeout.PartofmethinksIcouldhavechangedhim.IfI’dtoedtheline,maybehewouldhavebuckleddownandlearnedtoread;maybehewouldhavesucceededacademicallyanddevelopedself-respect.Butpartofmeknowsthatonlyhecouldhavechangedhistrajectory.

Ihavehadgiftedathletessincethen,buttheywerenottreatedthewayDukewas.Noexcuses.I’mquickeratmakingdecisionstokickplayersofftheteam.Kidsgetwarnings,butthethirdtime—that’sit.AndsincemymistakewithDuke,I’vehadtogivefewerwarningsbecausekidsthink,“Ifshecandothatwithhim,thenthere’sreallynocoddlingaroundhere.”Infact,theyallknowthestoryoraversionofit,becauseI’lltellthemfromthebeginning:“Ihadthisreallygiftedplayer,Ibenttherulesforhim,andhenevermadeit.Itwasn’tthathemadethemistakes—Idid.”AndItellthem,“I’mnotgoingtoagain,sodon’tpushme.”

Sometimelater,anotherincrediblytalentedplayerjoinedtheteam,akidwhoalsostruggledacademically,andIgrabbedhimintoourschoolrightaway.Whenheshoweduplateonedaytopracticealongwiththreeotherkids,Ihadthemallruntheentiretime.Neveragaininfouryearsontheteamdidthosekidsshowuplate.Settingalimitlikethatmightbethehardestthingthatyoudo—butyouhavetodoitbecausethenthekidsknowyou’reholdingthemtoastandard.

Rememberwhatgotyouhereinthefirstplace.

FugeesAcademycontinuestoraisequiteabitofmoneyandhasgrownexponentiallyinrecentyears,butwestillhavefailures.Duringthesameweek,IhadapotentialbigdonorcancelameetingandIcameveryclosetobeingonOprahbutdidn’tmakeit.Itwaslikearollercoaster,andonthedrivehomefromNewYorkIstartedcrying.It’sahugeresponsibilitytofeellike,“Ifwedon’traisethismoney,what’sgoingtohappentothekids?”Andit’spersonal,becauseIknowthem.They’renotnumbers—I’mnotfund-raisingforstudentsonethroughfifty-eight.No.I’mfund-raisingforObiandBobandTakoshiandYakaandFatu.It’shardwhenyouhearpeoplesay,“Notthisyear.I’mgivingtomykids’privateschool.”Youbiteyourtonguesothatyoudon’tsay,“Yourkids’privateschooldoesnotneedmoney.Theyhavea$120millionendowment.Youneedtogivetous.”

Igettold“no”overandoveragain:“We’renotgoingtofundthis”or“Thatisn’tpossible”or“Whyareyoudoingthis?Thereisnowayit’ssustainable.”

SomedaysI’llthinktomyself,itwouldbemucheasiertogetajobinmarketingorsomethingelsethatIwouldn’thavetoworryabout,somethinglessstressful.Butinthosemoments,Ithinkofthekids.Whentheyfirstcomein,alotofthemsaytheywanttobeprofessionalsoccerplayers,doctors,andlawyers,butsomearestartingtosaytheywanttobeteachers—andIthinkmyworkwillbedonewhenoneofthemcantakeovertheschool.

GettingtowhatInowunderstandtobe“mywork”tooktime(yearsofuncertainty,really)andtenacity.Iwouldadviseyoungpeopletothinkimaginativelyaboutwhereaninterest—inmycase,soccer—mightlead,andtobeopen-mindedaboutthewaysinwhichyoumightmakeyourcontributiontotheworld.

LUMAMUFLEH’STIPS

•Theburnoutrateinnonprofitsisfiveyears,soyouhavetocarveouttimeforyourselfandbereallyprotectiveofit.Imeditateforatleasttwentyminuteseverydayandtakelongbikeridesontheweekends.

•Ididn’thaveaspecificpathaftercollege,butalotofmyfriendsdid.TheyworkedonWallStreetorgottheirPhDs,gotmarried,andhadkids.Nowintheirlatethirties,manyaregoingthroughcareercrises.Ididn’tdoanyofthatandIamveryhappyatthepointwhereIam.Istruggledearlier.Youhavetorealizethatatsomepointyou’llstruggle.

•WhenyougetthealumniquarterlyandyoureadaboutyourfriendswhoarePhDsorMacArthurfellowsorRhodesscholars,haveashotforeachoneandkeepagoodsenseofhumor.Lifeisaboutdoingwhatyoulove.

•Weneedtobeabletotakecriticismanduseittoimproveourselves.Insports,coacheshavethatapproach;they’lljustsaydirectly,“Ineedyoutodothis.”

I

RUTHREICHL“There’satrade-offyouhaveinyourlife,always,betweentimeandmoney.”

t’shardtoexplainwhatit’sliketoreadRuthReichl’scriticallyacclaimed,bestsellingmemoirs.Inadditiontotellingcompletelyengaging,funny,andmovingstoriesaboutbothherlifeandthedevelopmentofhercareerasa

writerandfoodcritic,thesebooksareeachtheirownsensoryexperience.Theyincludesumptuoustalesofmealsshe’seatenandrecipesshe’sinvented,includingmanythathavebecomesomeofmyabsolutefavorites.(Take,forexample,thefollowing:anentirepumpkinwiththeseedstakenout,stuffedwithbreadandGruyèrecheese,whitewine,andcream,itstoppoppedbackonsoitcanbebakedintheoven.ThisinsanelygoodconcoctioniscalledSwissPumpkin,ifyouwanttolookitup.)

Whenshewasjusttwenty-two,RuthReichlpublishedherfirstcookbook,Mmmmm:AFeastiary.ShewassoonhiredtobecomeafoodwriterandeditoratNewWestmagazine.Fromthere,shewenttotheLosAngelesTimes;below,shetellsthestoryofbecomingitsfoodcritic.In1993shewasrecruitedtotheNewYorkTimes,andlatertoGourmetmagazine,wheresheservedaseditorinchieffortenyears.Currently,ReichlisaproduceronthemoviethatFox2000planstomakefromoneofherbestsellingmemoirs,GarlicandSapphires,whichisaboutherdaysreviewingrestaurantsinNewYorkCity(whichsheusuallydidindisguisesothatstaffandchefswouldn’trecognizeher!).Herfirstnovel,Delicious,willbepublishedin2014.

Ms.ReichlhaswonsixJamesBeardAwardsandnumerousawardsfromtheAssociationofFoodJournalists.ShehasanMAinarthistoryfromtheUniversityofMichigan.

LessonsI’veLearnedIt’sverytemptingtosettleforsecurity.

WhenmyfirsthusbandandImovedtoSanFranciscointheearly1970s,welivedinacommunalhousetosavemoneysothatwecouldtaketurnsdevotingtimetowhatwereallyloved.Forthefirstsixmonths,Dougdidcarpentrytosupportus,andIwrote.Thenitwasmyturntoworksohecouldmakeart,andIwenttoatempagencytolookforaposition.Ihadpreviouslyworkedasabookdesigner(which,admittedly,Iwasnotverygoodat),andthoughIdidn’tlovethework,ithelpedmefindanopenposition.WellsFargoBankhiredmetodesigntheemployeenewsletter.

Thiswasbeforetheageofcomputers,andIhadtouserubbercementtoliterallygluethetextontoboardstobephotographed.Itrequiredsteady,nimblefingersandgoodeye-handcoordination,ofwhichIhadlittle.Iwassobadatgettingthelinesstraight,infact,thatIwouldhavetosneaktheboardshomeatnightandgetDougtodoit.Buttherestofthejobwaseasy,andtheywerepayingmealotofmoney.Iwasinmyearlytwentiesanditfeltgoodtohavearesponsetothequestion“Whatdoyoudo?”Ididn’treallyknowwhatIwantedtodowithmylife(althoughIhadavaguenotionthatIwantedtobeawriter),anditseemedthatwhenIwasintheoffice,itwastheanswertoallmyproblems.Igotintotheflowofitandwasn’treallyconsciousofhowmuchIdidn’tlikeit.

Becauseactually,IwassurroundedbypeopleIcouldn’tstand.Ihadthisfantasyofbeingpartoftheofficegroup,andthereisakindofseductionthathappens—yougoouttolunchwithpeopleandifyou’repersonable,youmake“friends,”butit’sdissatisfyingwhenyouwalkawayandthink,“ThesearenotpeopleIwouldeverchoosetospendmytimewith.”Mycolleagueswereallverydifferentfromme,intermsoftemperamentandlifestyle.AndthereIwas,livinginacommuneinBerkeley,gettingonabuseverymorningtogoovertoSanFranciscoandthencomingbackeverynight,feelingsuchasenseofdisconnectbetweenmyhomelifeandtheworldofthisoffice.Welivedinaveryloosehousehold,andIhadgettoworkbyeighto’clock,whichmeantleavingatsixinthemorningtogetthebus.Iwouldbeupatfivethirtyandsometimesmyhousemateswouldstillbesittingwithabottleofwineandtalking,havingstayedupallnight.I’dbegoingofftowork—thinking,“Grrr!Anotherearlymorning!”—andthey’dbehavingthesedeep,interestingconversations.ThenI’dgethomelatebecauseofthelongcommute,andeveryonewouldbehavingagoodtimeasIwalkedininmyofficeclothes,feelingangry.

Attheendofthethree-monthtempperiod,WellsFargoofferedmeafull-timejobatwhattomewasanenormoussalary—andwithouthesitation,Iacceptedit.IwenthomejubilantandsaidtoDoug,“I’vegotajob!We’regoingtobemakingsomuchmoney!”Helookedatmeandsaid,“Areyououtofyour

mind?Youhateit!You’resogrumpyeverymorningwhenyougooff!Don’tdothis.Goinandtellthemthatyou’reoutofthere.Donottakethisjob.”

Hiswordsstoppedmecold.Hewasright:IhadacceptedajobthatItrulyhated.Butit’sreallyhardtosaynotosecurityandtoaprestigiousposition,andifIhadn’tbeenmarriedtothisverynicemanwhoshookmeandsaid,“Thisisn’twhatyouwant—stopit,”IknowIwouldhavedoneit.

Iwentinandquitthenextday.“NotonlyamInottakingthisjob,”Isaid,“butthisisgoingtobemylastday.”Itwaslikemyheartwassinging;Iwassoelatedtobeoutofthere.

ThatwasthemomentwhenIdecided,“Fromnowon,Iamgoingtoenjoymyjobs.IamnotgoingtodoworkIdon’tlike.”Rightafterward,IwenttoworkatarestaurantcalledtheSwallowintheuniversityartmuseuminBerkeley.Itwasrunasacollective,andyouhadtoworkforfreeduringthefirstcoupleofmonthsasyour“investment.”Wemadeallourfoodfromscratch,andeverybodyhelpedwithallpartsoftheprocess.Thatkindofworkusesbothyourphysicalandmentalenergy—yougetreallytired.Butyou’realsothinkingallthetime:“HowcanImakethisdishbetter?”and“Oh,myGod,we’rerunningoutoffood,we’vegottogobackandmakemorefood.Howcanwedothatwithwhatwehave?”IlovedthepeopleIwasworkingwith,lovedinteractingwiththepublic—everythingaboutitwasfunforme.Eventhemonotonouswork,likedoingthedishes,wasentertaining:“Howfastcanwedothesedishes?Let’sseeifwecandothisfasterthananyothergroup!”Itwaslonghours,wedidn’tmakemuchmoney,andIwouldcomehomeexhausted,butitwasathousandtimesbetterthancominghomefrommypreviousjobbecauseIactuallylovedwhatIwasdoing.

Andultimatelyitledtomycareerasarestaurantcritic.WhileIwasworkingattheSwallow,Ialsostarteddoingsomefreelancewritingforlocalmagazines.OneofmyeditorsatNewWestmagazineusedtoeatdinnerattherestaurantafewnightsaweek.Onenighthestoppedmeandsaid,“Youknow,you’reamuchbetterwriterthanourrestaurantcritic.Andyoucancook.Haveyoueverthoughtaboutwritingrestaurantreviews?”

Frankly,ithadneveroccurredtometothinkofitasalegitimatecareermove;thefirstthoughtIhadwas:Freemeals!DougandIweresopoor—Ididn’tevenhaveacreditcardandweneverwentouttoeat—soforthatreasonalone,itseemedlikeafantasticopportunity.SoIsaid,“Sure.Tryme.”Theysentmeoutfortwotrialmeals,Iwrotethemup,theyfiredtheirrestaurantcritic,andmylifewaschangedforever.IwroteforNewWestforsixyears,andthentheLosAngelesTimeshiredmetobeitsrestaurantcritic.Ihadnever,everimaginedmylifetakingthatparticularturn.

Doingworkthatyoulovecaninspireotherstodothesame.

IwenttoworkasarestaurantcriticattheLosAngelesTimesin1984,andIwasalwayscomplainingaboutthepaper’sterriblefoodsection.Afteraboutthreeyears,theeditorcametomeandsaid,“Okay,I’mtiredoflisteningtoyoucomplain,I’mgivingyouthesection.”Atthattimeitwasthelargestfoodsectioninthecountry,aboutsixtypageseveryweek.Ithadastaffoftwelveandakitchenandaphotostudio.Aftersomehesitation,Iendeduptakingitover.FromthemomentIstarted,themanagingeditor(whohadbeenworkingonthesectionfortwentyyears)hatedme.Hatedme.Shefeltanallegiancetoheroldboss—whohadjustretired—andwedidnotseeeyetoeyeonanything.Butshewasverygoodatmakingthingsrunontime,soIkeptheron.

Afterawhileshegottoknowthatalthoughwehadnothingincommon,Iadmiredanddependedonherbecauseshewashardworkinganddidherjobreallywell.Wegrewtoaplaceofmutualaffectiondespiteourearlydifferences.Iwouldtellherstoriesfrommypast:“Oh,backinBerkeley,myhusbandandIlivedonnothing.”IwouldtalkaboutwhatagreatperiodthathadbeenbecauseI’dgivenmyselfthetimetofigureoutwhatexactlyIwanted—andmoreimportantlywhatIdidn’twant—outoflife.

Apparentlythismadeanimpactonher,becauseafterayearofworkingwithme,sheapproachedmeandsaid,“I’mquitting.Idon’twantyoutothinkit’sbecauseIdon’tlikeyou;you’rethebestbossI’veeverhad.Butknowingyou,andhearingyourstory,mademerealizethatIhavenevertakenachanceonanything.IlookdowntheroadandIcanseemyselfhereatsixty-five.ButmyhusbandandIhavebrokenup,Ihavenoresponsibilitiesrightnow,soIamgettinginmycartodrivearoundthecountryuntilIfindoutwhereIwanttolive.I’mgoingtodowhatyoudidwhenyouwereakidbecauseifIdon’ttakeachancenow,I’mnevergoingtodoit.”AndshewentoffandendeduplivinginPortland,Oregon.Shefoundanewpersontomarry,andshewrotemeanoteandsaid,“Thankyou.”

Shehadalwaysworkedinasafejob,andIthinkshejusthadn’tknownwhoshewasorwhatshewanted—maybeshehadnevereventhoughtaboutit.Iunderstoodhoweasyitistofallintothatplace,becauseIalmostdidthesamethingwhenIwasworkingatWellsFargo.Butasayoungperson,Ihadultimatelybeenwillingtotrademoneyfortime.Yourbestinvestmentisyourself,soitseemstomethatit’simportantforpeopletohavesomeperiodintheirliveswhentheygettojustlistentothemselves,andtofigureouteverydaywhatthey’regoingtodo.

RUTHREICHL’STIPS

•Getthebroadesteducationyoucan.Youwillneveragainhaveachancetostudythewayyoudowhenyou’reincollegeandgraduateschool,sodon’tfocustoocompletelyononesubject.Youmaydiscoverapassionyoudidn’tknowyouhad.Andknowingalotaboutart,literature,science...downtheroad,itwillserveyouwell.

•Don’texpecttoomuchofyourselfwhenyou’reyoung.It’sbettertobealatebloomerthananearlyone;somanyyoungsuccessesflameoutandspendtherestoftheirliveslamentingwhattheyusedtohave.

SHARONPOMERANTZ“Howwereyousupposedtolookforwork,orgetaresumetogether,whenyouhadfewweekendsorholidaysoff,littlesavingstoleanbackon,andwerebatteredbyexhaustionandterrifiedofyourownshadow?”

“Myparentssaid,‘Youcanbeanythingyouwant,aslongasyoucansupportyourself,’”saysthenovelistSharonPomerantz.AftergraduatingfromSmithCollegeintheearlyeighties,whatPomerantzreallywantedtobewasawriter,andshehappenedtochooseoneofthemostexpensivecitiesinwhichtotryoutherdream.Asitturnedout,oneofthejobsshetookasastrugglingrecentgrad—shiningshoesonWallStreet—wouldbeoneofhermostrewarding.Itwasthisexperiencethatgavehertheideaforherwonderfulfirstnovel,RichBoy.IttellsthestoryofaJewishboyfromPhiladelphiawho—likePomerantzherself—becomesthefirstinhisfamilytoattendcollege.Adrivenyoungman,hehasnoonetoshowhimhowtothriveintheeducated,moneyedworldhehasentered(onlyawealthyroommatewhothrowsawayhisshirtsandbuysnewonesinsteadofdoingthelaundry)andhehasnoroadmapsasheeventuallynavigateslifeinthehigheststrataofManhattansociety.

RichBoywontheFoundationforJewishCulture’sGoldbergPrizeforOutstandingDebutFiction(aNationalJewishBookAward);itwaschosenbyEntertainmentWeeklyasoneoftheTenBestNovelsof2010andbyBooklistasoneoftheTenBestFirstNovelsof2010.Pomerantz’sshortfictionhasappearedinnumerousliteraryjournals,aswellasonNPR’sSelectedShortsprogram,andherstory“GhostKnife”wasincludedinBestAmericanShortStories2003.SheteacheswritingattheUniversityofMichigan.

LessonsI’veLearnedConsidertrustingyourinstincts—evenifthey’retellingyoutoquitwhenyou’vebarelybegun.

TheworstjobIeverhadwasalsomyfirstjobinNewYork.Ilandedtherewithonlyfivehundreddollarsandthepromiseofafriend’scouchtosleepon,andwassoonhiredtoworkasareporterforacommunitynewspaperonLongIsland.Let’scallit“ThePost.”Thesalarywasn’tgreat—$325aweek,nobenefits—butitwasasteadypaycheck.IwaslivinginBrooklyn(thiswas1989,whenBrooklynwasstillcheap)anddidn’tunderstandhowfarBrooklyncouldbefromLongIsland,dependingonwhereyoulived.

Onmyfirstdayofwork,thecommutetooknearlytwohours.MyanxietymountedasIrodetheFsubwaylinetotheA,thenmadetwochangesonLongIslandRailroad,thenspeed-walked,sweating,tothepaper’scrampedofficeslocatedoverastripofshopsonanexpensivesuburbanblockinLongIsland.Iarrivedharried,confused,andlate.Atiny,hunchbackedreceptionistwasscreamingintothephone,butshepausedlongenoughtoordermetohurrydownthehall.Infrontoftheofficemarked“ManagingEditor,”apolicemanwashandcuffingamanaroundmyage;themanwasstaringattheground,lookingdeeplyashamed.Ineverdidlearnwhathappenedtothemaninhandcuffs,buttheincidentsetthestageforoneofthemoreinterestingjobsofmycareer.

Themanagingeditor,Jason,introducedhimselfandjumpedrighttobusiness.HelaunchedstraightintotellingmeaboutthestoriesI’dbeworkingon,includingonethatafternoon:Iwastointerviewanewlyelectedcommunityleader.Ihadexpectedtohavethingsexplainedtome,sortoflikeIwasanapprentice,butthatwasnotthecase.IwasexcitedbutalsoterrifiedthatIsimplyhadtolearnbydoing.

Justthen,asifoncue,thepublisherofthepaperemergedfromhisofficeandjoinedus.Carlwasamanofaverageheight,inhislatethirties,withalongfaceandclose-seteyes.HegaveoffanairofauthoritycombinedwithahomelyvulnerabilitythatIlaterlearnedcouldturnquicklytorage.ItwasTuesday,hesaid,andIshouldexpecttobeworkingwellintotheevening,sinceTuesdayswerelatenights.(SowereMondaysandWednesdays,buthedidn’tsaythat.)Thenhetookoutanenormouswadofcashandasked,“Youneedmoneytogetyoutopayday?”Notwaitingforaresponse,hepeeledoffthreetwentiesandputthemonthetablenexttome,thenwalkedaway.Therewasnothingtodobuttakethemoney,whichIcouldcertainlyuse,buthe’dbeenunclearonwhetheritwasagiftoranadvanceonmysalaryorwhy,exactly,he’ddecidedtohandittomebeforeIevenstartedworking.DidIreallylookthatdown-and-out?Washejusttryingtogetoffonagoodfoot,ormakemegratefulandbeholden?I’dsoonfindout.

Mostsanepeoplewouldhavewalkedawayfromthisplace(andplentyhad),butthisneveroccurredtome.Iwantedanentry-leveljournalismjob,andthey

werehardtogetunderthebestofcircumstances,letaloneduringarecession.Icouldhavewaitressedorbabysatandcontinuedlookingforsomethingbetter,butI’dbeenworkingsinceIwastwelveandhadalreadybeenananny,abartender,andashoeshiner;I’dcleanedrooms,washeddishes,shelvedbooks,andrefinishedfurniture.Whenyou’refromablue-collarfamily,youdon’tseetheromanceinblue-collarwork.Ihadacollegedegree,andIwantedtouseit,andIwantedmyparentstoseemeuseit,soIstayed—andwasimmediatelyoverwhelmed.

Fourstoriesaweek,Iwouldlearn,isalotofstories.ForthefirsteightmonthsIworkedthere,Iwastheonlyfull-timereporter.Ihadworkedonmyhighschoolnewspaper,andhaddoneafewop-edsformycollegenewspaper,butI’dneverresearchedandwrittenaseriousnewsstory.Iwasthrownrightintothepool,anxiouslytryingtomakesenseofthebarrageofnewfactsasIresearchedacongressionalreactionpiece,callingmembersofCongresstoaskthemaboutproposedchangestotheforeignaidbudget.

Researchedarticlesonforeignpolicyaregenerallybeyondthepurviewofacommunitynewspaper,becauseyoucan’tcoverlocal,national,andinternationalnewswithatinystaffunlessyoudrivethemcompulsively.Carlwasfondoftellingallhisemployeesabouthiswidowedmotherwho’draisedtwochildrenwhileworkingatabank.Inoverthirtyyearsonthejob,shewasneverlate,nevertookasickday,andwhenshehadtophonehome,shewaiteduntilherbreakandwenttothepayphoneonthecornersoasnottocostheremployerthepriceofalocalcall.Thiswasthelevelofloyaltyandthriftheexpectedfromeveryonewhowalkedinthedoor.Thepaperwasn’tajobforCarl,itwasareligion,awayoflife.

Whenwewereondeadline,Tuesdaynights,JasonandIwouldbeupuntilonea.m.doingameticulousread-throughonthelongscrollsofprosepulledoutofthetypesettingmachines.Myeyeswouldhurtandeverythingwouldstarttoruntogether;IknewIwasmissingthingsandthenwouldspenddaysinterror.Ifeventhetiniestofcorrectionswasmissed,Carlbecameapoplecticandwouldbeonthelookoutforsomeonetoblame.IrarelyexperiencedCarl’swrathdirectlybecausehedidn’ttendtoyellatwomen,onlyatmen,sowhenhewasangryatme,heletJasonrelaythemessage.

Formostofthatyear,Ihadnoweekendsoff.SaturdaysIdidphoneinterviews(thiswasbeforecellphones,whenyouhadtowaitaroundalldaytogetacallreturned).SundaysIcoveredevents.Holidayswereworktime,exceptThanksgiving(becauseitalwaysfellonaThursday).Christmasweekthepaperclosed,butIhadtousesomeofthattimetocatchuponstories,andwhenIcameintotheoffice,otherswerethereaswell.ThePostallowednosicktime,and

onlywhenI’dfaintedintheofficefromahighfeverwasIallowedtoleaveandgotoadoctor(luckilythishappenedonaWednesday,afterwe’dputthepapertobed).Ihadnosociallife,Irarelysawmyfamily,and,fromlackofsleepandthepressureatwork,Iputontenpoundsandbrokeoutinhivesallover.SinceIdidn’thaveanytimetoshopforclothing,almostnothingfitme.I’veneverlookedworsethanIdidthatyear,atagetwenty-four—notexactlytheglamorouscitylifeI’ddreamedof.

You’dthinkwhenIgothomeeachnight,Isimplycollapsedfromexhaustion,butsometimes,evenatoneortwoa.m.,Iwastooampeduponadrenalineandcaffeinetosleep.ThosemomentswerewhenItookoutmyjournalandwrote,indulginginmyonetruepassion—fiction.IwrotetheopeningsofshortstoriesIhopedtocompletesomeday,fragmentsofscenes,bitsofdialogue,andcharactersketches.

Bebraveenoughtodefineyourownfuture,ratherthanlettingabadjobdefineyou.

ManywritershadpassedthroughtheofficesofthePost.OnthefewoccasionswhenIattendedpressevents,otherreporterswouldgatheraroundmeandshaketheirheads,patmyshoulder,andtellmeitwouldbeokay.OneparticularlylateTuesdaynight,thephonerangintheofficesandIpickedup.Avoiceontheotherendknewmyname.“Iusedtoworkthere,”hewhispered.“Iknowhowyoufeel.AndIheardaboutajobopening.”Thishappenedtwice,whichwaspuzzling.LaterIfoundoutthiswasn’tsounusual.PeoplewhoworkedforCarlhelpedotherstoleave,craftingakindofundergroundrailroadforyoungreporters.

Istuckitoutforanothertwomonths,andthenIsawanopportunity.Myroommatewasworkinginaschool,andonedayshecamehomewithlice.Prettysoon,wewereinfested.Wespentadayburning,washing,andotherwisescrubbingourapartment,andwhenIcalledintowork,itoccurredtomethatmaybeCarl,foronce,wouldtellmetostayhome.Afterall,hiskidscametotheoffice,andevenhewouldnotwanttoriskaninfestation.Thiswasexactlywhathappened—andsuddenlyIhadfourdaysofftolookforajobthathadeverythingthePostdidn’t.Bytheendofmytimeoutoftheoffice,Ihadaresumeandseveralcoverletters;aweeklaterIhadinterviews;andbymid-July,IhadajobdoingPRforanonprofitinManhattan.Thisfeltlikeamiraclebecauseunemploymentwashighin1990,andbecauseitwasawritingjobthatwould

givememoreweekendsoff(andsomevacationtime),raisemysalary,andshortenmycommute.

EveryonewasshockedwhenIgavenotice.Havingmadeitalmostayear,Idon’tthinktheyexpectedmetoleave(ormaybetheydidn’tthinkanyonewouldhireme).Carltookthisasanopportunitytopointout,notforthefirsttime,thatIhadnotalent.Hesaid,“You’llneveramounttomuchasawriter.”Ididn’trespond,onlystoodupandwalkedoutofhisoffice.IfIhadn’tdistinguishedmyselfatthePost,Ihadsurvived,andfornowthatwouldhavetobeenough.

AfterIcouldcalmdownandsettleintomynextjob,IbegantoseehowIhadactuallymanagedtolearnafewthingsatthePost.Forinstance,IhadnavigatedalloverLongIslandwithamap(stillastoundingtomeas,likemanywriters,Ihaveaterriblesenseofdirection),plusIcouldnowwriteheadlinesandcaptions,doaninterview,composedraftsquickly,andtypereallyfast—allskillsthathelpedmeinfuturejobs.IttookmeyearstostopfeelingstupidwheneverIhadtoaskaquestion,buteventuallyIgotoverthat,too.

Mostofall,atthePost,I’drealizedIdidn’twanttobeajournalist.NotbecauseofCarlorJasonorthelonghoursandpoorpay.No,itwasthestoriesthemselvesthatmademeseeit.TheinformationIcaredaboutoftenendeduponthecutting-roomfloor.IhadtroublewritingnewsleadsbecauseIgotcaughtupinthedifferences,forinstance,inhowsubjectsansweredmyquestions,whyonecongresswomancalledfromhercarandtoldmeaboutherkids,whilehermalecolleaguereadfromapressreleaseandspokeinamonotone.Whatdidthistellmeaboutthemaspeople?Aslegislators?Thesekindsofdetailsrarelyfitintothe“who,what,when,where,andwhy”ofhardnews.AndeventhehumanintereststoriesIwrotewereneverascompellingtomeasthefictionalonesIneverstoppedcomposinginmyhead.

WhenIwalkedoutthedooranddownthestepsforthelasttime,IsworeI’dneveragainletsomeoneelsedefinethekindofwriterIcouldorcouldn’tbe,ordemandthatItellcertainpartsofthestoryandnotothers.Lotsoffuriousyoungjournalistsprobablytoldthemselvessomethingsimilarastheywalkedawayfromthatplace.Inmycase,Ican’tsaythePostwasthelastjobIeverregretted,orthatCarlwasmylastnastyboss,butasIgotolder,Ifoundbetterjobs,allowingmemoretimetowritefictionandtellthestoriesIwantedtotell.

SHARONPOMERANTZ’STIPS

•Dowhatyoucantonotfeelsoaloneandpowerlesswhenyou’reinaterriblejob;ifyouhavetocontractlice(ortoevenpretendthatyou’ve

contractedlice)inordertogetadayortwoofftoapplyforotherjobs,thendoit.

•It’sokaytotrustyourinstinctthatthingsarebad,andtolookforawayoutevenwhenitseemstoosoon.

•Onlyyoucandetermineyourfuture;onlyyoucandecidewhoyouwillbe.

M

PARTIV

LearningResilience

ygraduateadviser,StanChu,wasn’tsmilingaswestoodtogetheroutsideofthethird-gradeclassroomwherehe’djustwatchedmeteachareadinglesson.Thiswasthemoment—atleastinmymind—whenhewas

supposedto“startwiththepositive,”tellingmeabouthowgreatIwas,followedbyacoupleofwaysinwhichImightimprove.Instead,helookedatmepointedlyandsaid,“Youmusthaveaskedthosekidssixtydifferentquestionsoverthecourseoftwominutes.There’snowayanyone—letaloneachild—canthinkwhenthey’rebombardedlikethat.”Inodded,listeningtohimtalkaboutthevalueofonegoodquestion,andfeltmyfacegethot,myheartheavy.Herewasareallyniceguy,aprofessorwhomIandallmygradschoolfriendsadmired,whowouldprobablysaysomethingpositiveaboutmyteachingiftherewasanythingpositivetosay.ButIclearlysucked.Atleastthatwashowitfelt.

Itwasn’tthefirsttimethatStanwasstraightwithme,andwhilethiswassometimeshardonmyego,ithelpedmetoseemyselfmoreclearly,asateacherandasaperson,andtounderstandmistakesastouchstones.TheywerelearningopportunitiesifIcouldownthem,takethemapart,andthinkabouthowImightactdifferentlynexttime.EventuallyIlearnedthatallthoughtfuleducatorspracticethisprocesswhentheywanttoimprove.

Learningfrommistakesisnotonlyintegraltoteaching;it’salsoanimportantpartofdoingscientificresearch.Thereisevenadedicatedpublication,JournalofErrology,whichisallaboutscrewingup.Itpublishesarticlesaboutfailedexperimentsbecause,saysthejournal’swebsite,“everydiscoveryorinvention

hasitsfairshareofmissteps,failures,errorsandproblems,whichresultinteachingavaluablelessonandhelpingcompoundexperience.”Whatifmoreofuscouldseemistakesandfailuresasessentialtodoingourworkwell,togrowingaspeopleandprofessionals?

It’seasiersaidthandone.Inacultureofachievement,ourself-worthcanbecomeboundupinwhatandhowmuchweaccomplish.Thisisevidentinthequestionthat’softenthefirstweaskinsocialsituations:“Whatdoyoudo?”—asifitwillrevealwhoweare.It’salsohardtoseemistakesaslearningopportunitiesbecausefrankly,whowantstosetagoalandthenfailtomakeithappen?Mistakescanbeembarrassing;theycanfeelreallybad.ButattheriskofsoundingalittlelikeMr.Rogers—it’sokaytofeelbad.EvenpoliticalcandidateReshmaSaujani,somethingofanIvyLeaguerockstar,gaveherselfafullsixweekstomopearoundwithherpuppyafterlosinganelection.Thenshewasbackonthescene,asshediscussesinthefirstsection,havinglearnedimportantlessons.Shewasincrediblyresilient.

Therearewaystoincreaseyourresilience—oneofthem,probablythetoughesttobear,isjustsurvivingreal-lifemistakesandfailures.Withmistakesatwork,italsohelpstohavethesupportofcolleagues:CourtneyMartintalkshereaboutafoot-in-mouthbloggingerrorthatledtoamajorbacklash;anotherbloggertalkedherthroughit.Relationshipswithfamilyandfriendsareequallyimportant:JudithWarnertellsastoryaboutfeelingdepressedafterlosingajob,untilfinallyoneofherdaughtersdemandedshestop.

Inthepsychologicalliteratureonresilience,oneofthemostwell-respectedideasisCarolDweck’stheoryofthegrowthmindsetversusthefixedmindset.Dweck,whoexplainsthisinthelastinterviewhere,describesthewaysinwhichreframingourconceptofabilitycanactuallyhelpustoimprove.“Inthegrowthmindset,”shesays,“youvaluelearningandeffort,andyouseemistakesandsetbacksastoolsforlearning.”It’snotsomethingthatyoueitherhaveordon’thave,though;youcanworktowarddevelopingagrowthmindsetinanyareaofyourlife—atwork,inyourpersonalrelationships,ontheathleticfield.

Iamputtingmymoneyonsharingstoriesasonemorewaytobolsterresilience,andothershave,too.HarvardUniversity’sAbigailLipsonrunssomethingcalledtheSuccess-FailureProject,designedtocreateopportunitiesforHarvard’shighachieverstotalkopenlyaboutwhatit’slikewhenthingsgowrong(aswellas

whenthingsgoright—successhasitsownuniquechallenges).OneofitsbrilliantpublicationsisalittleredbookcalledReflectionsonRejections:it’sfullofrejectionlettersreceivedbypeopleatHarvard,alongwiththeirownpersonalstoriesaboutcoping.StanfordUniversityfollowedLipson’smodelandcreatedsomethingcalledtheResilienceProject,awebsitewithvideosoffaculty,alumni,andstudentswhotalkabout(andthusmodel)dealingwithdifficultsituations.Theseprojectsopenthedoortoimportantconversations,andIhopethatthisbookwilldothataswell.Thebrave,amazingwomenwhocontributedaretalkingdirectlytoyou,insomecasestellingstoriesthatthey’venevertoldbefore,becausetheyunderstandtheimportanceoftalkingaboutwhenthingsdidn’tgoasplanned.Evenwhenthatfeltabsolutelyterrible,theylearnedfromwhatwentwrong.Ofcourse,you,too,cancometoseemistakesasvaluableinformation,contributingtoyourownmetaphoricJournalofErrology,richwiththe“data”ofexperiencesthathelpedyoutogrow.

I

JUDITHWARNER“Girlsandyoungwomenaremoresusceptibletomessagesthattheycanbeanddoitall,thattheycanrisetolevelsofimpossibleperfectionandperformance.WhenIseestatisticsshowingthatgirlsareoutperformingboys,Ithinkit’sagirlcrisisandnot—assomehavewritten—a‘boycrisis.’”

crossedmyfingersthatJudithWarnerwouldagreetoaninterviewbecauseIloveherwriting.Printedcopiesofherarticlesarealwaysscatteredacrossmy

deskbecauseshewritessoeloquentlyaboutthepressuresyoungwomenface.Forexample,inherresponsetoawidelycirculatedpieceabouthigh-achievinggirls,WarnerwroteintheNewYorkTimes:“Many,Ithink,neverfigureouthowtohandletheemptinessthatcomeswhentherushofachievementfadesaway,ortheloneliness—thesenseofinvisibility—whennooneistheretohandoutyetanother‘A.’Thefactis:whenyouarenarrowlyprogrammedtoachieve,youarelikeawinduptoywithonlyonemovementinitsrepertoire.”Duringourconversation,ImentionedthisarticletoWarner.Shetoldmethatwhenshewroteit,backin2007,shehadn’tquitefiguredoutherownrelationshiptoachievement.However,itmaybebecauseshewasabletorelatetothehighachieversthatshewasabletowritesoincisivelyaboutthepressuresthatyoungpeopleface.

Warnerisbestknownforher2005NewYorkTimesbestseller,PerfectMadness:MotherhoodintheAgeofAnxiety,andforherbelovedNewYorkTimescolumn,DomesticDisturbances.Herlatestbook,We’veGotIssues:ChildrenandParentsintheAgeofMedication,receivedmultipleawards,includinga2010OutstandingMediaAwardforScienceandHealthReportingfromtheNationalAllianceonMentalIllness.WarneriscurrentlyacontributingwriterfortheNewYorkTimesMagazineandanopinioncolumnistforTime.com,aswellasaseniorfellowattheCenterforAmericanProgressanda2012–13recipientofaRosalynnCarterFellowshipforMentalHealthJournalism.ShelivesinWashington,DC.

LessonsI’veLearnedDon’tletadifficultworksituationkeepyoufromtryingtogetthemostthatyoucanoutoftheexperience.

Imadethesamemistakeinmyveryfirstjoboutofcollegeandinanotherjob,twenty-twoyearslater:doubtingmyself.Myfirstjobwasin1987ataprestigioustrainingprogramthattheNewYorkTimesusedtohave,calledtheWritingProgram.TheWritingProgramhireditsparticipantstodoclericalworkbutofferedtheopportunitytoreportandwriteasmanystoriesasyoucouldinyoursparetime.Afterabouteighteenmonthsyouwouldbeevaluated,andiftheylikedyourstoriesthenyouwouldgetabriefreportingstint.Ifyoudidreallywellwiththat,thenyouwouldgethiredasareporter,whichofcoursewastheultimategoal.

IlovedtheNewYorkTimesandwasthrilledtogetthejob.Butmyexcitementwanedwhenthewomanwhorantheprogramtoldme,“You’rebeinghiredwithonebigcaveat:youareamuchweakercandidatethanalltheothers,andtheeditorsfeelyou’regoingtohavetoworktwiceashardaseveryoneelseinordertosucceed.”Now,sheprobablymeant,“You’vedonealotoffeaturesandopinionwritingbutnotmuchhardnews,andwefeelyoushouldfocusongettinghardnewsexperience.”ButIinterpreteditasaninsultratherthanachallenge,andasaresult,Icameinandfeltasiftheydidn’treallywantorlikeme.

ItwasacombinationofthisintroductiontothejobandmyownlackofcommitmentaboutwhatIwantedtobe—IthoughtImightgointoacademiaorbecomeafictionwriter—thatledtonotmakingthemostofmytimethere.Forexample,therewasachancetobeatemporaryclerkattheBostonbureau,andIsaidnobecauseIwantedtotakeascreenwritingclass.Inretrospect,ifyouareluckyenoughtobeinaplaceliketheNewYorkTimes,youdon’tsaynotoopportunitiesthatcomealong.Yourecognizethatyouareluckytohavethem.AndIdidn’tsomehow,becauseIwassobusylivingmyowninnerdrama.Theinitialcommentsmadebythewomanwhorantheprogramcertainlydidn’thelptomotivateme;theyjustmademefeelbadaboutmyself.Lookingback,havingadifferentattitudeandmakingthemostofitwouldhavebeenamoreresilientapproach.Itwouldtakemealongtime,however,torealizethatmyfeelingsabouttheexperiencewerearesultofmyownfear.

Whenablowcomesyourway,youdon’thavetoliedownanddie.

AfterleavingtheTimes,Ibeganfreelancing.AtfirstIwasn’tgettingalotofwork,butthingsstartedtakingoffintheearlynineties.Imarriedandhadchildren,andIwroteoneofmymostsuccessfulbooks,PerfectMadness,aftercomingbacktotheUnitedStateswithmyfamilyfromParisandcomparingthesocialsupportsforfamiliesavailableinFrancetotheanxiousfree-for-allthatwasAmericanmotherhood.In2006,eighteenyearsandanumberofbooksaftermyinitialNewYorkTimesstint,IwasofferedanopportunitytowriteanonlinecolumncalledDomesticDisturbances.Ithadstartedasablogaboutmyeverydaylife,buttheeditor,GailCollins,wantedtoturnitintosomethingpermanent.Thiswasbeyondadreamcometrue:IwaspartoftheNewYorkTimes,Ihadmyowncolumn,andthesubject,whichwidenedtobeaboutwhatwecalled“thepoliticsofeverydaylife,”wasendlesslyfascinatingtome.IlovedworkingforCollinsandenjoyedtheback-and-forthwithNewYorkTimesreaders—Ilearnedalotfromtheircommentsandcritiques.

IwroteDomesticDisturbancesfornearlyfouryears.AtthesametimeIwasdevelopingmylatestbook,We’veGotIssues,andwasworkinghardwithminimalchildcarebecauseIwantedtobearoundformydaughtersafterschool.Theeffectsofmyworkloadstartedwearingonme.Iwashavingchronicmigraines;Iwasnotgettingoutandseeingpeople;Iwasstressedbutwasnotadmittingittomyselforanyoneelse.Whenyou’recaughtupinexternalsignsofsuccess,youdon’tnecessarilytakecareofyourselfinwaysthatleadtopersonalsustainability.Thisunderminesresiliencebecauseatacertainpointyoucrashandburn.

Inthewinterof2009,IlearnedthattheNewYorkTimeswasn’trenewingmycontract.Iwasdevastated.Itwasahugeblowtomyconfidence.I’mnotsomebodywhonormallysuffersfromdepression,butitwaslikegoingdownintoablackhole.Granted,someofthat“getupandfight”instinctishardwiredandtemperamentalandsomepeoplearenaturallymoreresilientthanothers.ButIthinkproblemsariseinparticularforsomeonelikeme:becauseschoolhadalwayscomeeasily,thefirsttwenty-twoyearsofmylifehadbeenastringofsuccesses,andIdidn’treallyknowhowtohandlesetbacks.

WhenIlostthecolumn,mydaughterswerejustenteringtheteenyears.Atthetime,IwasreadingabookbythepsychologistMadelineLevine,anditbeganwithananecdoteaboutagirlwhospentherwholelifestrivingtogetintoaspecificcollege.Whenshedidn’tgetin,shewaslaidoutflatinbedwithdepression.Itstrucksoclosetohome,andIthought,“Thisisarealcautionary

tale,thisvaluingyourselfthroughexternals.”Iwentthroughaprocessofgrievingandthenitstartedtolift.Iwassickof

listeningtothenegativityrunningthroughmyhead,sickofdressinginyogapantsallthetime.Andpartofwhatgotmeoffmyasswasmydaughtersaying,“Enoughalready.Thisisgettingridiculous.”Ibegantalkingtopeople;reconnectingtorelationshipsthatwereimportanttomehelpedtopullmeoutofmyself.

Beopentoexternalvalidationthatcomesfromsourcesotherthanyourusualones.

Mymostrecentbook,We’veGotIssues,whichchallengescommonlyheldbeliefsaboutfamiliesstrugglingwiththeirchildren’smentalhealthissues,cameoutinFebruary2010,whichwasaroundthetimewhenmyTimescontractended.Itdidn’tsellaswellasmypreviousbookhad,andIrememberthepublisherawkwardlyandreluctantlycallingmetosharethelowsalesfigureswhileIwasonmybooktour.Initially,thiscompoundedmyfeelingsoffailure.

Buthere’stheamazingthing:inthelongterm,writingthatbookhasbeenthemostenriching,validatingprofessionalexperienceI’veeverhad.Iwasinvitedtospeakalloverthecountrybecauseparents,educators,doctors,andmentalhealthprofessionalslovedit.Thebookwonthreeawards—I’dneverwonawardsbefore!Subsequently,I’vekeptexpandingmyknowledgeofthearea.IreceivedafellowshipfromtheCarterCentertotaketheresearchfurtherandwriteabookproposalonthehistoryoftheideaofthe“difficultchild”andofchildpsychiatryinAmerica.Asaresultoftheseexperiences,I’vebecomelessconcernedwith“buildingmyname”asajournalistandmoreconcernedwithdoingworkthatactuallyhelpspeopleandmakesadifferenceintheirlives—eitherbybringinginformationthat’shelpfultothemorbymakingthemfeellessalone.

Atthesametime,Ican’tsay,“Ilearnedfrommyexperienceandchanged,”becausethatwouldn’tbeentirelyhonest.I’mstillthesameperson:driven,hopefulforexternalvalidation,andsometimeshardonmyself.ButI’velearnedcompensatorystrategiestobalancemyselfout—likegettingoutofthehouselongenoughtoforgetaboutthatvoiceofself-criticism.I’malsomorecompassionatetowardmyselfandothers.

BackinthefirstjobattheTimes,itwouldhavebeengreatifIcouldhavesaid,“EventhoughtheheadoftheclericalworkersistellingmeI’m‘lessthan,’

thisisanamazingopportunityandI’mgoingtoseeeverydayasalearningexperience.”I’veonlycometohavethatkindofattitudeinthepastcoupleofyears.Ifyoucanstarttodevelopitearly,it’sagreatattitudeforgettingthroughlife.

JUDITHWARNER’STIPS

NotefromJudith:Idon’tthinkofmyselfassomeonewhogivestips,butIamthrowingtheseoutthereanyway.

•Alwaysremembertothinkaboutallthepotentialforlearninginanyenvironment.Evenifthatmeansnothingmorethanviewingitanthropologically,becausefirstjobsareoftennotverygood,theremaybesomethingfascinatingaboutthepeopleorthewaythingsaredone.

•Ifyou’renotblessedenoughtobeabletobanishthevoiceofself-doubtandself-criticismfromyourhead,thendevelopcompensatorystrategies—likegettingoutofthehouse,exercising,andconnectingwithfriends.

“E

RINKUSEN“Sometimesyouareabletoseethingsthatpeoplearoundyouarenotabletosee,eitherbecauseofthewayyourmindworksorbecauseofyourpersonalinterestsorbecauseofthethingsyou’reexposedto.Whenyouhaveaninnovativeideathatyourcolleaguesmaynotquitebereadytoembrace,there’sabalancebetweennotgettingtoofaraheadofthem(sothatyouhavenohelp)andpanderingtotheirresistance,whichcouldhavemanysources.”

veryonethoughtIwascrazy,”saysRinkuSenwhenshetalksaboutinitiatingacampaigncalled“DroptheI-Word,”aimedaterasingthewords

“illegal”and“illegals”fromthepublicdiscourseonimmigrants.ButitwastheinfluenceofthiscampaignandofSen’sorganization,theAppliedResearchCenter(ARC),thatcausedtheAssociatedPress(AP)toannouncein2013thatitwouldnolongerusethedehumanizingterm“illegal”todescribepeoplewhowereimmigrantsintheUnitedStates.Becausenewssourcesnationwideareguidedby“APStyle,”thiswasamajorvictory—andjustoneexampleofthewaysinwhichSenhasbeenaninnovativeleaderandrisktakerinadvocatingforracialjustice.

RinkuSenbeganherorganizingcareerasastudentactivistincollege;sincethen,shehascombinedjournalismandactivismtomakesocialchange.AsARC’spresidentandthepublisherofitsnewswebsite,Colorlines.com,shehaspositionedtheorganizationasanationalhomeformedia,research,andactivismonissuesrelatedtoracialjustice.Sheistherecipientofnumerousfellowshipsandawardsforactivistsandjournalists,includingbeingnamedaPrimeMoversfellowandoneofMs.magazine’s“21FeministstoWatch.”HerworkonimmigrationhasrecentlybeenfeaturedonABCandMSNBC.

SenreceivedaBAinwomen’sstudiesatBrownUniversityin1988andanMSinjournalismatColumbiaUniversityin2005.AnativeofIndia,shegrewupinthenortheasternfactorytownsandlearnedtospeakEnglishinatwo-roomschoolhouse.

LessonsI’veLearned

Resistancefromcolleaguesisnotthesameas“no.”

MyfamilycametotheUnitedStatesfromIndiain1972,whenIwasfiveandahalfyearsold.ItookmycuesabouthowtobeanAmericanfromMarciaBrady,downtowantingtoeathotdogsandpizzafordinnerbecausethat’swhatIthoughtAmericansdid.Idevelopedakindofallergytothinkingofmyselfasapersonofcolorbecausewealwayslivedinsmall,verywhitetowns.MyfriendsthoughtofthemselvesasAmericansandmyparentsthoughtofthemselvesasIndians.Therewasn’taslotforme.

ButthingschangedwhenIwenttocollege.Duringmysecondyear,ablackfreshmanwasbeatenupbytwowhitefootballplayers,andtheincidentsparkedanon-campuscampaignforracialjustice.MyfriendswantedmetojointhematarallyandItoldthem,“No,that’snotforme.That’snotwhoIam.”

“Listen,Rinku,”theysaid,“you’reapersonofcolorandyou’reawoman—it’stimetogrowupandgetinvolved.”

Iwenttotherallyanditchangedmylife.ForthefirsttimesinceI’darrivedintheUnitedStates,IfeltlikeIactuallybelongedsomewhere.IunderstoodthatbeinganAmericanwasnotaboutbeingjustlikethefamiliesIsawonTVoreatingparticularfoods:itwasaboutworkingtomakeyourcommunitymoreinclusive,morecompassionate,andmoreeffective.

Ibecameacampusorganizer,andaftergraduationIbecameacommunityorganizer.Yearslater,journalismschoolledtoapositionasdirectoroftheAppliedResearchCenter,craftingamedia-drivenstrategyfortheracialjusticemovementandbeingthepublisherofitsprintmagazine,Colorlines.

Colorlineshadasubscriberbaseofaroundtwelvehundredwhenin2003,Iproposedthatweneededwhatwasthencalleda“weblog.”We’dbeabletoincludemanymorewriters,tobemoretimely,andtopotentiallyreachmorepeople.Butthefeedbackfrommystaffmeetingwasnegativeandstrong.

Whowouldreadit?Howwouldwelettheworldknowaboutit?Whatdidithavetodowithourcoremissionandday-to-daywork?Ofcourse,Ihadnoanswerstothosequestions,andIfeltthattherewasno

pointindevelopinganswersunlesswewereactuallygoingtopursuetheidea.Itoldmycolleaguesthatwecouldfigureallthatout,buttheydidn’thaveanyexamplesandcouldn’timaginea“weblog”asapartoftheirworklives.InsteadofdoingsomeresearchsothatI’dbeabletoanswertheirquestions,Igaveup,feelingdefensiveanddismissed,wonderingwhytheycouldn’t“getwiththeprogram.”

Wedidn’ttalkaboutitagainforanotherthreeyears.In2007wefinallystartedablog,whichimmediatelygotfourthousandhitsaweek.Whenitbecameclearthatwe’dreachmanymorepeoplebytakingtheentiremagazineonline,wedidsoin2010.Wewentfromhavingtwelvehundredprintsubscriberstoreachingtensofthousandsofpeoplewithinthefirstmonthoflaunching.ItwasveryclearthattheInternetwastherightwaytogo.Buthowmuchaheadofthegamewouldwehavebeenbystartingyearsearlier?

Thelessonis:resistanceisjustresistance.Ifyoumakeaconsciousdecisionnottopursueyouridea,that’sonething.Butunlesssomebodysays,“No,don’tdothat,”it’snotano.Andifyouallowyourselftobedissuadedwithoutactuallyhearingthatno,thenyoumayendupfeelinglikeavictimandfeelingresentfulatwork.

Havingsaidthat,I’vesincecometounderstand—throughexperienceandobservation—thatquestionsarenotalwaysquestions.Sometimespeopleareadvocatingfortheirownopinions.Forexample,someonemightasksomethinglike,“Howdoesthisrelatetotheworkwedonow?”andtheyarereallysaying,“Thisdoesn’trelatetotheworkwedonow,butIdon’twanttosaythat,becauseit’sRinkuandIdon’twanttohurtherfeelings.”Whencolleaguesareunabletoberespectfullyforthright,communicationatworkbecomesalotlessproductive.

Happily,Ihadgoodrelationshipswithmycolleaguesandwewereabletomoveforward.Butit’simportanttounderstandthatwomeninparticularareraisednottodisagree,especiallywithpeoplewhomtheyrespectandlikeandwanttosupport,orwhenthereissomepowerinequality.Itcanfeelsafertoaskaquestionthantomakeanassertion.Asaleader,youneedtomakepeoplecomfortableenoughtoundothathabit.I’velearnedtosometimesbalancemydirectleadershipstylewithprobingquestionssothatcolleaguesfeelencouragedtosaywhattheywanttosay.

Doinggoodworkrequireslearningtodealwithdefensivefeelings.

WhenIfirststartedworking,Ididnotreceivenegativefeedbackwell.Myimmediatereactionwasalwaystoactdefensively.IdistinctlyrecalloneofthefirsttimesIreceivedcriticismonthejob.Iwastwenty-threeyearsoldandhadtakenovertheCenterforThirdWorldOrganizingwithacodirector.Wehiredatwenty-one-year-oldSouthAsianwomanasanintern,andattheendoftheinternship,shetoldmethatIhaddisappointedher.Amonghercriticisms,shesaidthatIhadn’tmetherexpectationsasaSouthAsianwomanmentor.This

mademefeelterribleand,lookingback,IknowthatIdidn’treactwell.Insteadofasking,“WhatdoyouthinkIcouldhavedonebetter?Whatmight

youhaveexpected?”Isaidsomethingdismissivethatshutherdownonthespot.Irememberthinking,“Thatcan’tbetrue.IdideverythingIcould.It’sherfault.”Ihadsupervisedher,assignedprojectstoher,andcheckedtheirquality.Butlookingback,IknownowthatshewantedamorepersonalrelationshipandIjustwasn’treadyforthat.

I’vesincelearnedthattakinga“screwthat”attitudedoesn’tallowforgrowth.Thesedays,ifacriticismupsetsme,I’llaskforabreak.Forexample,Imightsay,“I’mreallyfeelingwhatyou’vejustputinfrontofme,andIwouldliketotakeaminutetoprocessit.Couldwetalkagaininahalfhour?”(Ortomorrow—dependingonhowmuchtimeI’dlike.)Weoftenthinkeverythinghastohappenrightnow,especiallywhenwe’reunsettledemotionally,butitdoesn’t.

Overtheyears,Ibecameincreasinglyself-aware,abletostepbackandseewhenacommentorsituationwasmakingmefeeldefensive—butevennow,itcanstillbetoughtoreceivenegativefeedback.Forexample,lastyearIledaracialjusticetrainingforagroupofpeopleinaformatthatI’dusedmanytimesandtrustedwaseffective.Ninetypercentofthetime,participantsrespondtothisworkshopafterwardbysayingthingslike,“You’vechangedmylife,”and“ThisisthebesttrainingI’veeverattended.”Butwiththisparticulartraining,peoplesaidthingsthatnooneeversaysaboutme:thatIwasinsensitive,thatIseemeddistractedandsnappy.Onepersonevensaid,“Shecan’tfacilitatelargegroups.”

Iimmediatelywantedtodothingstofixthesituation:Iimaginedwritingalonge-mailexplainingmyselforaskingacolleaguetotalktotheclientonmybehalf.

Instead,Icalledaclosecolleaguewhoknowsmewellandcouldoffersupportandperspective.Wetalkedforabouttwentyminutesandsheaskedinstructivequestions:WhatwasImostconcernedaboutinthefeedback?HowmightIgetmoreinformationaboutwhatmighthavehappened?Sheremindedmethatpeoplehaveoffdays,andthatIshouldn’tstewoverit,andIknewshewasright.Havingherperspectivewashelpful—Imanagednottogetallchurnedupabouttheincidentandinsteadthoughtofabalanced,productiveplan.

First,Ischeduledadebriefingcallwiththeclient,andaswediscussedtheworkshopI’dled,IrealizedthatIhadbeensomewhatdistracted.Icametounderstand—alloveragain—thatbecausetalkingaboutraceandracialjusticeissocharged,IhavetobefullypresentwhenIleadsuchadiscussion.Idecidedthatinthefuture,ifIfeltdistractedoroverwhelmedgoingintoaworkshop,Iwouldaskforhelp.AndIdecidedtowriteabriefnotetothegroupI’dled,

thankingthemfortheirfeedbackandsayingthatIhadtakenitseriously.Havingthedisciplinetonotbedefensiveshouldn’tbeconfusedwith

unnecessarilytakingresponsibility—butthereasonyoudon’twanttoreactinthemomentissothatyoucangathermoreinformationaboutthesituationanddetermine“What’sminetotake?What’sreallynot?”Youcanrespondtothecriticismlater,saying,“I’vethoughthardaboutwhatyouraised.ThesearethethingsIacknowledgeandwouldchange.ButIwanttoraisethepossibilitythattheremightbesomesharedresponsibilityhere.”Giveyourselfenoughtimetogainclarity.Inanyworksituation,slowingdownandbeingreflectivebeforeatoughconversationcanmakeallthedifference.

RINKUSEN’STIPS

•Developahabitoflisteningtootherpeopleandtakingtheirconcernsandquestionsseriouslywithoutoverinternalizingtheirresistancetoyourideas.

•Whensomeoneiscriticizingyou,don’t“checkout”ordwellondefensivethoughts,like,“Shecankeeptalking,butit’snotaffectingme.”Keepyourreactionminimal,andaskformoredetails.Dosomesoul-searchingtofigureout“WhatisthispersonsayingthatIreallyneedtoownandchange?”

•Wedon’tcontroleverything,andsometimeswemakemistakes,andnoteverybodylovesus.It’spartoftakingrisksanddoingthework.

D

SHIRLEYMALCOM“WhenIwasakid,Iwenttokindergarten,skippedfirstgrade,andstartedschoolinthesecondgrade.Formanyyearsafterward,Ihadarecurringdreamthatpeoplefoundthisoutandweregoingtomakemegobacktofirstgradeandpassit,andthebiggestproblemwasthatIdidn’tfitinthechairsanymore.Ididn’tstophavingthedreamuntilIhadfinishedmyPhD,becauseIthinkIsomehowknewthatIhadn’tgottenwhereIwasgoingyet.”

r.ShirleyMalcombelievesthatscienceisoftentaughtthewrongway:throughrotememorizationofterminologyandwith“recipes”forexperimentsthattellkidstofollowcertainsteps,explainingwhatthe

resultsofthosestepswillbe.Instead,Dr.Malcomsays,childrenshouldhavetheopportunitytolearnscientificconceptsthroughcomingupwiththeirownquestions,thenconductingrealresearchtotrytofindtheanswers.“I’mnotsayingthere’snotdrudgeryinscience,”shetoldaNewYorkTimesreporter,“butwhenyougettothepointwhereallthedataaresittinginfrontofyouandyoustartseeingpatternsandnaturebeginstospeak—that’sakick.”

Dr.MalcomhasdedicatedmuchofherlifetomakingsurethatallkindsofpeoplehaveaccesstoqualityeducationintheSTEMfields(science,technology,engineering,andmath).AsdirectoroftheEducationandHumanResourcesProgramsoftheAmericanAssociationfortheAdvancementofScience,sheleadsadivisionthatdevelopsprogramsineducationandactivitiesforunderrepresentedgroupsandworkstowardincreasedpublicunderstandingofscienceandtechnology.

DuringtheClintonadministration,Dr.MalcomservedontheNationalScienceBoardandonthePresident’sCouncilofAdvisorsonScienceandTechnology.ShehassatonandchairedseveralotherboardsaswellandhasworkedasatrusteeforinstitutionsliketheCarnegieCorporationandtheAmericanMuseumofNaturalHistory.In2003Dr.MalcomreceivedthePublicWelfareMedaloftheNationalAcademyofSciences,thehighestawardgivenbytheacademy.

Dr.MalcomearnedaPhDinecologyfromPennsylvaniaStateUniversityandamaster’sinzoologyfromUCLA.ShegraduatedwithdistinctionandaBA

inzoologyfromtheUniversityofWashington.Shealsoholdssixteenhonorarydegrees.

LessonsI’veLearnedHavingalimitedunderstandingofwhatyoucandowithyourcollegemajorcanconfineyoutoacareerpaththatmaynotberightforyou.

GrowingupblackinBirmingham,Alabama,inthe1950s,IhadalotofpracticebeingtoldthatIcouldn’tdothings.Ourchurchwasbombedmultipletimesbecauseitwasledbyaministerwhowasactiveinthecivilrightsmovement.Ourgovernor,GeorgeWallace,wassendingoutthemessagethatthestatewouldn’tinvestinblackkidsbecausetheyweren’tasgoodaswhitekidsandwouldn’tamounttoanything.Inthattypeofdivisiveenvironment,youcaneitherbuyintoitoryoucanbasicallysay,“Upyours.”Somyresponsewastoprovethemwrong.Iwasan“upyours”kindofgirl.

IwasgoodatscienceandmathandgraduatedfromhighschoolatsixteenwithallA’s.Myparentswantedmetobechallengedincollege,butweweren’tsurewhereIshouldgobecausesouthernuniversitieswereessentiallysegregated.Youcouldattendahistoricallyblackcollegewithlimitedresourcesbecausethestategovernmentwasstarvingthoseinstitutions,oryoucouldbeoneofthefirststudentsto“integrate”anall-whitecollege.Theideaofbeingthrustinasoneofthefirstfewblackstudentsinavitriolic,segregationistculturewasn’tappealing,andsoImadethedecisiontomoveawayfromhomeandattendtheUniversityofWashingtoninSeattle.Myaunt,uncle,andoldersisterlivedinSeattle,soweknewI’dhavefamilycloseby,andwealsoknewthatitwasanespeciallytolerantcity.

Livingontheuniversitycampuswasatotalshock.Ihadgrownupinanall-blackenvironmentwherethepeopleinmyneighborhoodlookedlikeme,myteacherslookedlikeme.Nowallofasudden,IwashavingahardtimefindingevenahandfulofAfricanAmericans.Aftertheendofthefirstyear,IwastheonlyAfricanAmericanstudentinaneight-hundred-persondorm;inmybigintroductoryscienceclasses,IwasoneoftwoorthreeAfricanAmericans.Itwasdiscomforting,notbecauseIneededtobearoundotherswholookedlikemeinordertolearnbutbecauseIwasyoungtobesuddenlysurroundedbyaworldthatwassodifferentfromtheoneinwhichI’dgrownup.

SomeofwhatIsawandheardwasconfusing.Forexample,allmyfemalefriendswhowereAfricanAmericanexpectedthataftercollegetheywouldwork—andthatthey’dalwayshavetowork.Butwhitefriendsseemedtothinktheircareersshouldbesubservienttothoseoftheirspouses—manythoughtthey’deventuallybehousewivesdespitetheireducationalbackgrounds.Oneofmyfriendsabandonedherpre-medprogramtopursueateachingcredentialsoshe’dbeabletosupportherfiancéinmedicalschool.Then,insenioryear,hedumpedher.Itriedtobesupportive,butIdidn’tunderstandwhyanyonewouldthwartherownambitionsinordertoaccommodatethoseofherfiancé,andIthought:Shedoesn’tgetit.Ihadbeenraisedwiththisnotionthatknowledgeissomethingnobodycantakeawayfromyou.It’sgreatthatshebecameateacher;butIwasnevercomfortablethatthiswasherchoice.Ibegantounderstandthatmanyblackwomen’sviewsabouteducationweredifferentfromwhatIwasseeingoutofmywhitesisters.

Throughoutcollege,ImaintainedaboveaBaverageandplannedtobeadoctor,butatthattimemedicalschoolshadquotas,andanincomingclasswasunlikelytobemorethan10percentfemale.I’llneverforgetthedayImetwithmypre-medadviserandshelookedatmy3.0GPAfromthefirstsemester—freshmanyear!—thentoldmeIshouldprobablyforgetaboutmedicalschoolaltogether.I’dneedbettergradesthantheguysinordertobeadmittedamongthat10percent.Isaidokayandthenignoredher;ifI’dtakenwhatshesaidasgospel,IwouldhaveshutdownbecauseitwouldhavemeantIcouldn’tpursuemydream.Iunderstoodthatshewasn’ttryingtobemean,justhonest,butitwasabitofashockbecause,quitefrankly,asanAfricanAmericanwomanIhadn’tbeentoldthat“womendon’tdo”this,that,ortheother.Nowallofasuddenthelimitingfactorwasn’tjustaboutbeingAfricanAmerican—itwasalsoaboutbeingfemale.

AlotofwomenattheUniversityofWashingtonwerepremed,andIwatchedasmanydroppedout—probablydiscouragedbyconversationsliketheonemyadviserhadhadwithme—andothersstayedinbutdidn’tbotherapplyingtomedicalschoolbecausetheyknewthey’dbediscriminatedagainst.IperseveredandtooktheMCATsduringthespringsemesterofmyjunioryearbutbegantorealizethatIreallydidn’tliketheotherpremeds.Theyweremostlymen,andtheywereprettyterrible.IrememberonetimewhenIwascarryingagiantdeadcatfromtheanimalroomintothelabfordissection,andagroupofmalestudentswentaheadofmeandthenletthedoorslambackinmyface.Anothertime,amalestudentactuallysaidtome,“Whydoyouwanttogotomedicalschool?Don’tyourealizethatyou’retakingsomeguy’splace?”AndIsaidsomethinglike,“Well,it’sonlyhisplaceifheearnsit.”ButIjustcouldn’t

imaginetheideaoffourmoreyearswiththeseobnoxiouspeoplewhofeltsoentitled,andIbegantothinkthatmaybeIwasonlyapre-medbecauseIdidn’tknowwhatelseyoucoulddowithscience.

Mymajorwasactuallyzoology,andwhenmyadviserasked,“Well,whynotacademicscience?WhynotgoforthePhD?”Idecidedtohittheresetbutton.Ithoughtthisguyhungthemoon,andIfiguredthatifhethoughtIcoulddoit,thenmaybeIshouldtry.

Ifyoutakeabreakfromschoolingandplantoreturn,doitbeforeyougetboggeddownwithotherdemands.

Insteadofgoingtomedicalschool,IenteredadoctoralprograminzoologyatUCLA.Theyearwas1967andtheworldwasjuststartingtogonuts.TheVietnamWarwasraging,thewomen’smovementwastakingoff,andallofasuddenitwaslikeeverythingwaschangingorbeingquestioned.Youngpeoplewerechallengingthebeliefsandbehavioroftheirelders,whetheraboutcivilrightsorwomen’srightsorChicanoorLatinorightsoraboutthewar.Andtheleaderswhoweredrawingattentiontotheseinjusticeswerefallingonebyone:Dr.King,RobertKennedy,andMalcomXwereallassassinatedwithinmonthsofeachother.Youjuststoppedandwondered,Who’snext?

Therewerealotofearthquakesduringthattime,real,physicalearthquakes.Oneleveledawingoftheveterans’hospitalinthevalleyin1971andhadhundredsofaftershocks.Theseearthquakesalmostmanifestedasaphysicalrepresentationofmygeneration’semotionalturmoil.Wewantedtocreateculturalchangeandwererejectingalotofwhathadalwaysbeeninplace.OnthedaythatUCLAstudentstookovertheadministrationbuildingandshutdowntheentireinstitution,Ibegantowonder:“WhatamIdoinghere?Whatdoesstudyingzoologyhavetodowithwhat’sgoingonintheworld?Howdoesmylifeasagraduatestudentrelatetothestrugglesthatareunderwayeverywhere?”AndsoIdecidedtotakealeaveofabsencetoregroup—itseemedthesmartestthingtodoatthetime—andtoteachhighschoolinLosAngeles.

WhileIwasteaching,IbecameclosewithmycousinandhiswifewholivedinL.A.Theyhadalittlegirl,andduringthetimewewerefriends,shebecamepregnantagainandhadababyboy.ShewasgettingreadytogobacktoschoolandstartadoctoralprogramineducationwhenIheardthehorriblenewsthatshehadbeenmurdered.Itwasthekindofterriblestorythatyouneverimaginewilltouchanyoneclosetoyou:themurdererwasactuallyawomanwithwhommy

friend’shusband—mycousin—hadbrieflyhadanaffair.Onthedaythatmyfriendwaskilled,Iwasthepersonwhowentovertothehousetohelpcareformyfriend’stwo-and-a-half-year-oldandherthree-month-oldbaby.IwasmakingbabyformulaandcomfortingthekidsandtheauntandtherelativesbackinBirmingham;Iwastalkingwiththepolice;Iwasshoringupmycousin,whowasnearlysuicidalwithguilt.Atonlytwenty-fouryearsold,Iwastryingtobethestrongoneinthemidstofanightmare,butthatcantakeatoll.

Afteracoupleofweeks,thechildrenweresenttostaywiththeirgrandparentsinBirmingham,andIknewIcouldn’tstayinCalifornia,either—Iwascompletelydevastatedandalsoexhaustedbecausedealingwiththatkindoftraumajusttearsyouapart.IgaveupmyteachingjobandleftLosAngelestogohometomyparents’house.AllIwantedtodowashidemyheadunderapillow.

Duringthefollowingyear,IrealizedthatIhadtofigureoutwhoIwasandwhereIwasgoing.Istartedtorealizethatthere’satimetogetyourselftogether,butatacertainpointyoumaybeastogetherasyou’relikelytoget.Becauseofthedeathofmyfriend,Icametounderstandthatlifeisshort,andIwouldhavetofindmywaythroughthis.Ididn’twanttoputoffdoingthingsthatwereimportanttome,becauseIunderstoodthatnothingwasguaranteed.Ibeganlookingaroundforemploymentopportunitiessomeplaceelse.AfriendwhoknewabouttheincidenttoldmeaboutajobopeninginSeattle,soIwentthereforabitandthenstartedapplyingtograduateschoolagain.

IwasacceptedintoadoctorofartsinteachingprogramatPennState.Uponmyarrival,Iwenttoaprofessortogetapprovalforhisseminarinanimalbehavior.HelookedatthetranscriptofwhatI’ddoneinmydoctoralprogramandsaid,“Thelastthingyouneedismorecoursework.Youneedtojustdoyourdoctoralresearchandgetoutofhere.”HeaskedmetoleavetheteachingprogramandcomeanddoaPhDinecologyashisadvisee,andthat’swhatIdid.AlmosttwoyearstothedayafterIenteredhisprogram,Idefendedmydissertation.

Whenyouareoneoftheonlypeoplefromaparticularculturalbackground—inaclassroom,aworkplace,oranentirefield—anybiasthatyoufaceiscomplicatedbybeingfemale.

Aftergraduateschool,IhadafacultypositionattheUniversityofNorthCarolinaatWilmington,butIleftin1975whenImarried,asmyhusbandwasin

theDCarea.Ididn’thaveajobwhenImovedthere,butfoundapositioninthewantadsasaresearchassistantattheAmericanAssociationfortheAdvancementofScience.WewereworkingonaprojecttoidentifyinitiativesthatwereincreasingtheparticipationofminoritiesintheSTEMfields.IfeltsogratifiedtobedoingthiskindofworkthatIwouldhavedoneitforfreeifIcouldhaveaffordedit,becausethroughoutcollege,graduateschool,andtheearlyyearsofmycareer,Ihadalwayswonderedwhereeverybodyelsewas—whythereweresofewwomenofcolorstudyingandworkingaroundme.Ibegantalkingtopeoplewhowereinterestedinthisissue.MybossandmentorappliedforaNationalScienceFoundationgranttoleadastudyandholdaconferenceonminoritywomeninthesciences.

Womenwhocametotheconferencetalkedabouttryingtogettheirresearchandworkdonewhilemanaging—bothlogisticallyandemotionally—thethingsthathappenedtothembecausetheywereblackwomenorLatinawomenorNativeAmericanwomen.Earlyon,racismhadaffectedtheirschoolexperiences;forexample,theymighthavehadadviserswhodidn’tknowhowtorelatetothembecauseoftheirdifferentbackgrounds.Butastheircareersprogressed,they’dbecomeincreasinglyawareofpredefinedexpectationsabouthowhighwomencouldriseorwhattheycouldachieve.Onebiologyprofessortalkedaboutbeingaskedtoturnoverherlabspacetoamalescientistwithan“ofcourseyou’llunderstand”attitude.Wecoinedaterm,“thedoublebind,”forthephenomenonofbeingcaughtbetweenracismandsexism,andthattermisstillinusetoday.

Ihadmyownstoriestobringtothetable.OneprimeexamplewasanexperiencethatI’dhadwhenIfilledanunexpiredvacancyontheNationalScienceBoard.Thereweretwenty-fivepeopleontheboard;IwasthesecondwomaninthatparticulargroupandtheonlyAfricanAmerican.IhadpreviouslybeenaprogramofficerfortheNationalScienceFoundationandwasfluentinthelanguageofpublicpolicy;however,someassumedthatIwasanaffirmativeactionappointmenttotheNationalScienceBoard.WhenIcametothosemeetingsandhadsomethingtoofferbeyondthetopicofdiversity,peopleseemedgenuinelysurprised.AndwhenIdidmyhomeworkandchallengedthembecausewhattheyweresayingdidn’tmakesenseinlightofwhattheyshouldhaveread,Icouldtellthatsomeofmycolleagueshadn’tanticipatedthat.

Whatbecameclearatthatseminalconvergenceoffemalescientistsofcolor—andinthesubsequentpaperthatwewrotedetailingourfindings—wasthatthecostsofbecomingascientistarehigh,butthatwhenyouaddanylevelofdifference,thecostsarehigher.Asmorewomenandmorewomenofcolorenterthesciences,hopefullythiswillchange.MycurrentroleattheAmerican

AssociationfortheAdvancementofSciencemeansthatI’minchargeofawide-rangingstrategytoreachunderrepresentedgroupsandmakeprogramsinscienceandtechnologyeducationavailabletoeveryone.

Manyyearsafterthebombingofmygrandmother’schurch,whenIwasagrown-up,IsawthemovieSpikeLeemadeaboutit,4LittleGirls,andwasamazedbyaquickarchivalvideoclipofourchurch’sministerhuggingmygrandmotheronthedayafterthebombing.Ihadbeentenatthetimebutstillrememberedeverythingsovividly:mygrandmotherwantedmetowalkdowntothechurchwithher;themomentwhenshesawherpastorsheranupandhuggedhim.Ihadstoodthere,watchingthepeoplewhowerearound.Thechurchwasashamblesandtheparsonagewasgone.Justobliterated.

WhenIwentonlinemanyyearslatertofindthatclip,Isawsomethingelsejustofftotheright:alittlegirl.IhadnoideathatIhadbeencapturedinthefootage.Itmademethinkabouthowtheten-year-oldmewouldhavebeenreallysurprisedatwherethesixty-six-year-oldmeisnow.ShewouldneverhaveimaginedthethingsthatI’vehadanopportunitytodo,thepeopleI’vehadanopportunitytoknow.ShewouldneverhaveimaginedthethingsthatI’vehadtoovercomeandthethingsthathavecomemyway.Anditmademethinkthatyouneverknow,whenyouseeakid,wherethepathwayofthatkidisgoingtolead.Youhavetolookatherasrepresentingafutureandatalentthatwecanonlyimagine,ifshe’sgiventheopportunity.

SHIRLEYMALCOM’STIPS

•Therespectofcolleaguescanbringitsownsetofissues.Forexample,peoplemaydescribeyouwithanattachedmodifier:you’reaqualifiedminorityoranarticulateminority.Theyuseadjectivestocutyououtoftheherd.Earlyinmycareer,IignoredthisandkeptdoingthegoodworkthatIwasdoing;asIgotolder,Isometimestookthemon,asking,“Whatdoyoumean?”Ithinkthatyouhavetorespondinthewaythatfeelsrighttoyou.

•Evenwhenwehavetostepbackorstepoutofcollegeorgraduateschool,it’simportanttogetbackintothemixbeforeyouloseasenseofhowtostudy,beforeyourknowledgebecomesold,beforeyouacquiredebtorafamilyoralotofotherthingsthatmaykeepyoufrommovingahead.

R

RUTHOZEKI“Amistakeisaretrospectivejudgment—wedon’tdeemsomethinga‘mistake’untiltimehaspassed.Itreallyhasalottodowithhowcriticalyouareofyourpast,howyoujudgeit,andthekindofphilosophyyouhaveaboutthewaylifeunfoldsoremerges.”

uthOzeki’slatestbook,ATalefortheTimeBeing,takesplace—inpart—inJapan.Shehadnearlycompleteditin2011andwasabouttogiveittohereditorwheneventsinJapanmadeherrealizethatshe’dneedtorework

theentirenarrative.AsshetoldinterviewerRachelMartinonNPR,“TheearthquakeinJapanhappened,followedbythetsunamiandthemeltdownatFukushima.Andsuddenly,asIwaswatchingallofthisunfold,IrealizedthatJapanwouldneverbethesameandthatthebookthatIhadwrittenwasnolongerrelevant.”Shechangedthenovelinawaythatwouldallowhertoexploreandrespondtothoseevents,anditwaspublishedtosparklingreviews—theWashingtonPostcalledit“asemotionallyengagingasitisintellectuallyprovocative.”ItwasshortlistedfortheprestigiousManBookerPrize.

Ozeki,agraduateofSmithCollege,hasworkedintelevisionandhasmadeseveralindependentfilms,including1995’sHalvingtheBones,whichtellsthestoryofherjourneyduringtheprocessofbringinghergrandmother’sremainshomefromJapan.IthasbeenscreenedattheSundanceFilmFestival,theMuseumofModernArt,theMontrealWorldFilmFestival,andtheMargaretMeadFilmFestival,amongothers.Shecametowritingafterproductivecareersinbothindustriesandpublishedherfirstnovels,MyYearofMeatsandAllOverCreation,tocriticalacclaimwhenshewasinherforties.Duringthattime,OzekialsobeganstudyingtobecomeaZenBuddhistpriest.WhentheManBookerPrizecommitteeannounceditsnominationsonline,itsaid:“Thisissurely...thefirsttimeafilmmakingZen-Buddhistpriest...hasbeenincludedonthelonglist.”

LessonsI’veLearned

Remorsecanbeartisticallymotivating.

Myfatherwasawonderfulmanbuthewasaterribleperfectionistand,likemanyperfectionists,heprocrastinated.Attheendofhislife,hewastormentedbyremorseaboutallthethingshehadn’tgottenaroundtodoing.Ithinktherootcauseofprocrastinationisprobablyfear—fearofmakingmistakes,butalsofearoflosingcontrol.Dyingisallaboutlosingcontrol,andasIwatchedmyfathersuffer,ImadeavowtodoeverythingIcouldnottowindupplaguedbyremorselikehis.Icouldseemyselfinhim.Ihadinheritedhisperfectioniststreakandhiscontrollingtendencies.AndIprocrastinated.

Ifprocrastinationisasymptomofperfectionism,it’salsoaprotectivestrategy—youstopyourselfbeforeyoucanmakeamistake.It’snotaneffectivestrategy,butit’sastrategynonetheless.AtSmithCollege,wheneverIhadpaperstowriteoratesttostudyfor,Iusedtoprocrastinate,anditbecameahabit.It’saterriblefeeling.Youknowthatyouneedtodosomething,butyouengageinallkindsofdenialinordertoavoidit.Imanagedtogetthroughmyfouryears,butIcausedmyselfanenormousamountofgriefandsuffering.

AtthetimewhenmyfatherwasdyingandIwaswitnessinghisproclamationsofregret,Iwasforty-oneyearsoldandfinishingmyfirstnovel.Beingwithhimcausedmetoreflectbackonmyownlifeandbehavior,anditoccurredtomethenthatmaybewritingfictionwasmywayofcomingtotermswithmyregrets.Maybeitwasalsoawayofcultivatingakinder,moregenerous,andevenappreciativeattitudetowardmyownmistakes.

Ifyouareafictionwriter,orIsupposeanykindofwriter,youlearntovalueyourmistakesbecausetheyhavethepotentialtogeneratematerial.Someoneoncesaidthatwriterswriteoutofremorse,andIthinkthat’ssomewhattrue.Theremorsethatyoufeelovermistakesyou’vemadeinthepastisliketheirritant,thegrainofsandintheoystershell,aroundwhichanewworkaggregates.Now,asIlookbackatthenovelsthatI’vewritten,eachoneofthemhasbeeninspiredbysomeirritant,somemistake,somemisstepormisjudgmentthatImadeandthencouldn’tforget.Thenovelthenbecomesaformalwayofexploringit.

Theinspirationformyfirstbook,forexample,camefromtheworkIdidinthetelevisionbusinessduringthe1980s.IusedtoworkforJapaneseTV,andduringthatperiodIwasaskedtodoavarietyofdifferentthings,whichImightnothavegonealongwithhadIstoppedtoexaminethem.Idon’tknowifIwouldcallthesemistakes,exactly,buttheydidcausemesomeethicalmisgivings.

OneexamplewasadocumentaryserieswemadecalledNewYorker,about

coolhipNewYorkers’lifestyles.TheshowwassponsoredbythePhilipMorristobaccocompany,andineachepisode,wewererequiredtoincludeashotofapreferablybeautifulandyoungNewYorkersmokingaPhilipMorriscigarette—itwaskindofasubliminal,sneakyadwithinthebodyofwhatpurportedtobeadocumentary.ThiswasatatimewhenAmericansweregrowingmorehealthconsciousandcigarettesmokingwaslosingpopularityintheUnitedStates,andsothebigtobaccocompanieswereredirectingtheirTVadvertisingbudgetstoexpandtheirAsianmarkets.Ihadbeenasmokerforyearsmyself,andIwastryingveryhardtoquit,butthereI’dbewithmycrew,handingoutMarlborosandmatchestoyoungbeautifulpeopleonthestreet,askingifwecouldfilmthemsmoking.Itwasawkwardandembarrassing,andwedidn’tlikeit,butwediditanyway,andbecauseIwasaddictedtocigarettesmyself,Ifeltlikeatotalhypocrite.

Aroundthatsametime,IwasworkingonaproposalforadocumentaryseriescalledMrs.America,profilingthelivesofinterestinganddiverseAmericanwomen.Againthiswasinthe1980s,andwomeninJapandidn’thavethekindsofopportunitiesthatAmericanwomenhad,asituationwhichIandmanyofmyfemalecolleaguesfounddisturbing.Wehadasubversivefeministagendatousemainstreamnetworktelevisiontobringimagesofstrong,powerfulAmericanwomenleadinginterestinglivestohousewivesinJapan—atleastthiswasourintention.

WewerealwayspitchingnewideasforshowstotheheadofficeinTokyo,butonlyafewoftheseevermadeitpastthedrawingboardstage—that’sjustthenatureofthebusiness.SowhenIlearnedthattheserieshadbeenpickedupforsponsorship,Iwasthrilledbecauseitmeanttheshowwouldactuallygointoproduction.EvenwhenIlearnedthatthesponsorwastheU.S.MeatExportFederationandthattheywantedustoturnitintoacookingshow,Ididn’treallybalk.Wejustwentaheadandproducedtheshow,featuringstoriesofinterestingAmericanwomen,theirlifestyles,theirfamilies—andtheirdeliciousrecipesforbeef.

Ididn’tthinkmuchaboutwhatitmeanttobesponsoredbyameatindustrylobbygroup.Noneofusdid.Wewerehappytohavesteadywork.WewerehappytolaunchourfeministTrojanhorse.Iknewthattherewassomethingunsavoryaboutthemeatindustry,butIalsoknewIcouldn’t“gothere.”

MostofwhatIknewabouttheindustryatthetimewas,andis,commonknowledge.Meatanimalsareraisedonlargefactoryfarms,wherethey’reoftentreatedinhumanely.Theeffluentfromfeedlotspollutesriversandwatersheds.SouthAmericanrainforestsarebeingcutdowntocreategrazinglandforcattle.Butforme,atthetimewhenIwasproducingtheshow,thiswasallpassive

knowledge.Ikindofknewit,butitwasinconvenienttothinkabout,andsoIdidn’t.

Still,therewassomething—someirritantorkernelofremorse—thatcontinuedtoniggleandworryme,andyearslater,whenIlefttheTVindustryandbecameawriter,Ireturnedtothisepisodeinmylifeandmadeitthesubjectofmyfirstnovel,MyYearofMeats.Thenoveltellsthestoryoftwowomen,onoppositesidesoftheplanet,connectedbyaTVcookingshow:onewomanisadocumentaryfilmmakerinNewYorkwhoishiredtomaketheshow,sponsoredbythemeatindustry;theotherisaTokyohousewifewhowatchestheshowandcooksthefeaturedmeats.

Inthenovel,theNewYorkfilmmaker(andmyalterego),JaneTakagi-Little,talksaboutpassiveknowledgeandignorance—howignorancederivesfromwhatwechoosetoignore.“Inthisrootsense,”shesays,“ignoranceisanactofwill,achoicethatonemakesoverandoveragain.”Myignorance,mydecisiontoignorewhatIkindofknew,becamethesubjectofthenovel,andIfinallytookthetimetoresearchcommercialmeatproductionandlearnabouttheindustrythatI’dbeenpromotingforallthoseyears.Ofcourse,Iwasshocked.EverythingI’dkindofknownturnedouttobetrue,onlyitwasworsethanI’dexpected.Idiscovereddisturbinginformationabouttheindustrywidepracticeofadministeringlargedosesofpharmaceuticals—growthhormonesandantibiotics—tocattle.IlearnedthattheEuropeanUnionhadbannedAmericanmeatinEuropebecauseoftheuseofgrowthhormones,towhichtheU.S.meatproducersrespondedbyusingtheirWashingtontradelobbyiststopressureJapanintosigninganewbeefagreement,increasingtheamountofAmericanredmeatimportedtoJapan.AndIrealizedhowandwheremylittlestoryhadfitintothishistoricalmoment:myprogram,Mrs.America,waslaunchedshortlyafterthenewbeefagreementwassigned.

Reflectingonmomentswhenyouwishyou’dbehaveddifferentlycanhelpyoutodevelopasanethicalperson.

Inretrospect,IunderstandwhyIdidwhatIdid.Ineededtopaytherent,anditwasallhappeningsofast,andanywayworkinginTVisfun!Itmakesyoufeelpowerful,important,andspecial—sublimelyentitled.(Ifyou’veeverseenatelevisioncreworafilmcrewatwork,youcanfeeltheentitlementemanatingfromthem.)There’salotofmoneyinvolvedandalotofpressuretogetthingsdonequickly.Everyminuteofproductiontimecostshundreds,eventhousands

ofdollars,andasaworkerintheindustry,you’renotreallyencouragedtospendthisvaluabletimeattendingtoyourethicalqualmsandscruplesorparsingthequestionsofconsciencethatmightarise.Ifyou’regoingtobeinthatworld,youjustgoalongwithit.

Forafictionwriter,however,minutesarecheap,andnoonecareshowyouwhileawayyourdays,soIwasabletospendlonghourssittingwithmynigglingremorse,studyingitandtryingtoputwordstoit.MyYearofMeatsgrewoutofmyreflectionsonthekindsofethicaldilemmasI’dfaced,orfailedtoface,whileearningalivingincommercialtelevision.ItgrewoutofmydiscomfortwiththedecisionsthatIhadmade,producingdocumentariesthatpurportedtotellthetruthbutwhichwere,infact,highlyconstructedcorporate-sponsoredsemifictions.Inordertowritethebook,Ihadtoreenterthatmindsetandthatbodyandalmostliveitagain.Iwasabletomullovermyquestionsandunderstandwheremychoiceshadcomefrom.

Ialsocametounderstandmoreabouttheworkingsofignorance.Weoftenblameourignoranceforourmistakes,butifyouthinkofignorancenotasapassiveconditionbutratherasanactivechoice,thenitisactuallyquiteempowering.Ignoranceisanactofwill,andsoisknowledge.Wecanjustaseasilychoosenottobeignorant.Wecanchoosenottoignoretheconditionsoftheworld.Wecantakeresponsibilityforourmistakes,ratherthanavoidingthem,engagewithourremorse,andstoplivinginfearanddenial.

Theprocessofwritingfictionisaprocessofreflection,butit’smorethanthat,becauseit’screativeandgenerativeaswell.Youlookbackonthepast,butyoualsoconstructandtestalternaterealities.Youconsiderthewhat-ifs.WhatifIhadtakenthetimetoreallyunderstandthesethingsbackthen?WhatifIhadacteddifferently?It’sabitofanexerciseinwishfulthinking,andit’snourishedbymistakesandtheremorseyoufeelformakingthem.Chancesarethateverytimeyouact,everytimeyoudoanythingintheworld,youwon’tgetitperfectlyright.Soyoualwayshavesomethingtochewon,andthisisnotabadthing.

Thewonderfulthirteenth-centuryZenmasterDogenZenjiusedaphrasetodescribebeingalivethattranslatesas“onecontinuousmistake.”Itjustmeansthatlifeisalongseriesofmistakes,eachofwhichgeneratesanewsetofcausesandconditions,whichthenleadyoutoyournextmistake.Eachmistakeisanopportunitytostepbackandexamineyourbehavior,yourthoughts,andyourwords,andtoreevaluateandmakesomekindofadjustment.Andsoeverymistakeisanopportunitytolearnsomething,toengagewithyourlifeinanactiveandethicalway,or,ifyou’reawriter,towriteanewbook!It’sactuallyaveryencouragingwayoflookingatthingsbecauseifyouthinkoflifethatway,there’snoneedtobeafraidofmakingmistakes,right?Mistakesaresomething

thatyoucanwelcome,andyoushouldmakeasmanyasyoucansothatyoucanlearnmoreandmoreandmore.

RUTHOZEKI’STIPS

•Procrastinationisnotagreatstrategyforcopingwithyourperfectionism.Procrastinationwillpreventyoufromfullylivingyourlife;insteadlearntoappreciateyourmistakes.

•Theactofbringinganythingintotheworld,oftakinganideaandmakingitreal,meansbringingitfromthestateofabsoluteperfectioninyourmindintoastateofrelativeimperfectioninreality.Everynovelorpaintingislikethis:perfectinthemaker’smind,butimperfectlyrealized.Youcanlookatthisasamistakeorsimplyasanopportunitytoengage—becauseit’sthroughthemakingofmistakesthatweareabletolivecreativelives.

•InJapaneseZen,therearemanyelaboraterituals,includingtheteaceremony.Everythingispreciseandformalandelaborate—andessentially,thereisnowayofperformingtheseritualswithoutmessingthingsup.Youcouldlookatthewholethingasanelaboratesetuptotrippeopleupandmakethemfallontheirfaces,butthosewhopracticetheseritualsdothemoverandoverandoveragain,regardlessofthemistakestheymake.Livinglifeisthesame.Really,livingisapracticeoflearningtomakebettermistakesandtoacceptourselvesandourmyriadimperfections.Ithinkweneedmorepracticeinlivingourlivesthisway,especiallywhenwe’reyoungandespeciallyaswomen.It’seasyforwomentogetcaughtupintryingtobeperfect,sothemorepracticewecanhavemakingmistakes,thebetter.Weshouldmakemany,manymistakes,andifwefindourselvesbeingperfectallthetime,weshouldgooutofourwaytoputourselvesintentionallyinsituationswherewe’llscrewup.Whynot?

I

COURTNEYE.MARTIN“Iwanttoliveinaworldwherepeoplearewillingtoadmittheyarewronginpublic.Somepeoplechangetheirviewpointonanissueorasituationbecausetheyrealizethattheywerewrongintheirassessmentofsomething—andthatshouldbecelebratedinsteadofbeingviewedasaweakness.”

nhercompellingtalkforTEDxWomen,CourtneyE.Martindescribesfeelingoverwhelmedbyherdesiretomaketheworldabetterplace,wonderinghowpeoplebothacknowledgetherealityofsociety’sproblems

andsustaintheenergytoeffectchange.HerquestionsledtothebeautifulbookDoItAnyway:TheNewGenerationofActivists,inwhichsheprofileseightyoungpeopledoingsocialjusticework.

Martinisawriterandculturalcriticwhoworksatthenexusofjournalismandactivism.SheispartoftheOpEdProject,helpingtogetthevoicesofwomenandpeopleofcolorontotheop-edpagesofmajormediasources;shewasoneofthefoundingeditorsoftheblogFeministing;andshehasnowpartneredwithacolleaguetodevelopValentiMartinMedia,acommunicationsconsultingfirmfocusedonhelpingsocialjusticeorganizationstoincreaseeffectiveness.

She’swrittenseveralbooks,includingPerfectGirls,StarvingDaughters:HowtheQuestforPerfectionIsHarmingYoungWomen,whichreceivedaBooksforaBetterLifenominationandwascalled“smartandspirited”bytheNewYorkTimes.Shehasbeencalled“oneofourmostinsightfulculturecriticsandoneofourfinestyoungwriters”byParkerPalmer.Herwritinghasbeendescribedas“varied,transformational,andnecessaryforusall”(JaneFonda)andas“ahardcoverpunchinthegut”(AriannaHuffington).CourtneyMartinstudiedpoliticalscienceandsociologyatBarnardCollegeandreceivedamasterofartsinwritingandsocialchangefromtheGallatinSchoolatNewYorkUniversity.

LessonsI’veLearnedBeopentolearninginpublic.

Idon’trememberatimewhenIwasn’twritingonline.Thebeginningofmyfreelancelife,whenIgraduatedfromBarnardin2002,coincidedwiththerisingpopularityoftheInternet.Itwashardtopitchastoryandgetitprintedinarealmagazinebuteasiertopitchtothesewackynewonlinespaces.

IstartedbloggingatFeministingin2006.Threeyearsintothatgig,Iwroteapostaboutchivalry,tryingtounpackwhatitmeanstobeafeministinromanticrelationships.Ilikedwhenguysopeneddoorsformebutwonderedifthatfedastereotypethatwomenwereweakandneededtobetakencareofbymen.IthoughtaboutitandfeltgoodaboutthedistinctionthatIcameupwith—dooropeningasalovinggestureversusdooropeningwithan“Idon’tthinkyoucanopenthisheavydoorbyyourlittleself!”attitude.WhatIendedupwritingwasthatit’sromanticifithappensoutofcareandinterdependencebutnotromanticiftheguythinksyouarean“invalid”—awordIwastryingtouseironically.

Thentheblogosphereexploded.Veryquickly,thedisabilityrightscommunityonlineheldmeaccountableforthatlanguage,sayingthattheword“invalid”wasderogatory.Awell-knownbloggerwrotealetterthatwascosignedbynearlyfortyotherbloggers,andtherewasaquicklyorganizedonlinecampaigntoboycottFeministing.Irememberwhentheshithitthefan,sittingatmylittledeskinmyapartmentinBrooklynbymyself,feelingthissuckerpunchofshame.ThebacklashassumedIwasapersonwhojustdidn’tcare,andIfeltsomisunderstood.Iwantedtoscreambackatthecomputer,“Ihadnoidea!”

IwentforawalkinProspectPark,whichiswhatIoftendowhenIneedtogainperspective,andthenIcalledfriendswhowerefellowbloggers.MiriamPérez,anotherFeministingwriter,wascompassionateandparticularlyhelpful:“IknowwhoyouareandIknowyoudidn’tmeantooffendpeopleormakepeoplefeelbad,”shesaid.“Solet’sthinktogetherhowwecanrespondtothisgroupofpeople.”Itwassohelpfultohavethatrealitycheckfromfriendswhosaid,“Youdiduseanoffensiveword,butyou’renotaterribleperson.”Theycouldbehonestwhileremindingmethatmyessencewasgood.

Wehadanonlineconvening,duringwhichwetalkedwithpeopleinthedisabilitycommunityaboutwhattheythoughtthatFeministing—andIinparticular—wasn’t“getting”aboutdisabilityrights.Onthesurface,itwasafailure.

“Iwouldlovetolearnmoreaboutdisabilitystudies,”Isaid.“Arethere

particularreadingsorfilmsorothercontentthatyouwouldsuggest?”Someoneresponded,“That’saclassicprivilegedquestion.Youthinkit’sour

jobtoeducateyou,todothelaborofcuratingsomelistforyou.”Itseemedlikethepeopleaccusingusofableismthoughttheconveningwas

aPRmove,andIcouldn’tconvincethemotherwise.Evenso,Feministing.comtooktheirfeedbacktoheartandmadeabunchofchanges.Weissuedanofficialapologytoourreadersforhavingusedwordslike“lame”(aderogatorywordforapersonunabletowalkonbothlegs)and“crazy”(ameanwaytodescribesomeonewithamentalillness).Wetoldourreadersthatwewouldsomehowfindawaytoincludetranscriptionswithvideosandenlistedthemtohelpwiththetime-consumingworkoftranscribing.(Noneofusweregettingpaid.)

IwouldbelyingifIsaidthewholesituationdidn’tfreakmeoutalittlebit.Itfeltlikemyvoicehadalotofpower,andIwasscaredofthat—mostly,becauseIdidn’twanttooffendpeople.ButIalsofeltgoodabouthavingpushedthroughthefeelingofwantingtocrawlunderthebedandnevercomeout.InowknewmyselftobesomeonewhoadmittedwhenIscrewedupandwhocaredwhenIhurtpeople.Iwaswillingtolookstupidandhavedifficultconversationsanddoallthesethingsthatarejusthardforhumanbeings.IknewthatIhadintegrity.

Youriskhurtingpeoplebytellingtheirstoriespublicly,sodoitresponsibly.

AtthesametimethatIwasbloggingforFeministing,Iwasalsoworkingonmyfirstbook,PerfectGirls,StarvingDaughters.Ithadcomeaboutinastrangeway,becauseaftercollegeIneverwantedtothinkaboutbodyimageagain.I’dbeenaroundsomanyyoungwomenwhowereanxiousabouttheirbodiesthatI’dactuallyhiddenthemirrorsinmyapartmenttokeepmyselffrombeingaperfectionistaboutmyownbody.Unfortunately,Icouldn’tavoidwhatwasreallyapervasive,wide-reachingproblem,affectingpeopleclosetome.Athirteen-year-oldwhomImentoredtoldmethatbagelswere“evil”becausetheymadeyoufat;aclosefriendrevealedtomethatshehadbeenstrugglingwithbulimia.

OnedaywhenIwasintheYMCA,Isatinthesaunawithabunchofnakedolderwomenandjusthadthesensethattheyfeltcompletelyfineabouttheirbodies.Iwroteanessayaboutthecontrastbetweenthosewomenandtheyoungpeoplearoundmeandsentittoananthologywhereitwasaccepted.IfeltlikeIwasdone—Icouldreallyputtheissuedown.

Thenaliteraryagentcontactedme.“Ithinkyouhavesomethingreallyimportanttosayaboutthisissue,”she

said.“No,Ireallydon’t,”Itoldher.“Writersaresupposedtowritewhattheyknow,”sheresponded,“andit

soundslikethisissomethingyouknow.”Ofcourse,itwasexcitingtohaveattentionfromanagent,andIbegantosee

thatIactuallydidhavealottosayaboutwomen’srelationshipstotheirbodies.Inresearchingandwritingthatfirstbook,Iwasawareofthevolatilityof

“bodyimage”asanissueandalsoawareofwantingtoreportmystoryethicallyandaccurately.ItwasrightaroundthetimethatanauthornamedJamesFreypublishedamemoir,AMillionLittlePieces,whichturnedouttobefilledwithfalsehoods,ignitingahugecontroversy.Ididn’twantthattohappentome,soItookcarefulnotestokeeptrackofmysources,didmyownfact-checking,andaskedeachpersonIinterviewedtocarefullyreviewandsignareleaseformshowingshe’dagreedtobeinthebook.

OnlyafterthebookwaspublisheddidIseetheunintendedsideeffectsofmywriting.YoungwomenI’dinterviewedwouldcallore-mailmeandsay,“Youarenotgoingtobelievethereactionmymomhad.”Andmanyofthereactionswerenotgood.

Inoneparticularinstance,therewasayoungwomanwho’dagreedtobeinterviewed.Imadesurethatshewasovereighteenandaskedhertosignarelease;theseareimportantstepstoreportinginanethicalway.Muchlater,afterthebookwaspublished,Ilearnedthathermotherreadtheinterviewandfeltpubliclyshamed.Shehadn’tknownthatherdaughterwastalkingtome,andshedidn’twanttheirfamily’sstoryineveryBarnes&Noble.Thiswas,inturn,upsettingtothedaughter.Ofcourse,ithadbeentheyoungwoman’schoicetotellherstory;therewasnolegalobligationforhertoaskherparents.Buttheexperiencemademeseethatstorytellingispowerfulandcanhurtlikehellinunpredictableways.

WhenIwrotemynextbook,DoItAnyway,whichcontainedin-depthprofilesofyoungactivists,IpromisedtheinterviewsubjectsthatI’dshowthemwhatwasgoingintothebook.Iftherewassomethingthattheycouldn’tstandthethoughtofpeopleknowing,thenIwouldtakeitout.IfwegottoapointwhenIneededtotakesomuchoutthatitwouldn’tbeanaccurateportrayal,thentheyjustwouldn’tbeinthebook.TherewasindeedonepersonIprofiledwhoendedupwantingmetocutpartsoftheprofileinawaythatreallychangedit,andIdecidedthatitwouldbebetterjustnottoincludeitatall.EventhoughitwasahugelossoftimebecauseofallthereportingandwritingI’ddone,itwasa

goodwaytodealwithanunresolvabledifferenceofperspective.AfterwhathadhappenedwithPerfectGirls,Ijustdidn’twanttopublishabookthatwouldexposepeopleinwaysthattheydidn’twanttobeexposed.

Thesestoriesareaboutrealizingthepowerofmyvoiceandthepowerofmywriting,andwrestlingwithwhatthatpowermeans.Ifyouaregoingtobesomeonewhobelievesyoushouldtakeupspaceandputstoriesoutintheworld,youhavetobemindfulofthepowerofthat.Sometimeswritingmyownstoriesandtellingotherpeople’sstillscaresme.Whatkeepsmegoingisknowingthatpowerfulstoriescanleadtotransformationforboththereaderandthewriter.Whentherearerisksinvolvedindoingtheworkthatyoudo,it’simportanttoconnecttowhat’smostmeaningfultoyouaboutthatwork—tounderstandwhyyoudoitinthefirstplace.

COURTNEYE.MARTIN’STIPS

•It’simportanttohaveacommunityofcolleagues—whetheratwork,outsideofwork,orboth—thatholdsyouaccountableandishonestbutalsoremindsyouofyourgoodnessinmomentswhenyou’refeelinglikeafailure.

•Ifyou’regoingtowriteaboutdifficultsubjects,you’reprobablygoingtohurtsomepeopleintheprocess.Thequestionis,then:howmuchofthatcanyoustand?Andinwhatwayscanyoubeintentionalaboutcocreatingwithandpreparingpeople?It’simportanttoconsiderthesequestionsbeforedivingin,toequipyourselfemotionally.

J

J.COURTNEYSULLIVAN“AsfarasI’mconcerned,aworkoffictionisneveractuallyfinished,evenafterthey’veslappedacoveronitandputitontheshelvesatBarnesandNoble.Butinaway,Ithinktheimperfectionsarewhatkeepmegoing.Thereisalwaysanotherchancetogetitright,tosayitmoreclearlynexttime.”

.CourtneySullivanisa“bornstoryteller,”saidEntertainmentWeeklyinitsreviewofhermostrecentbook,TheEngagements.TheChicagoTribuneadded,“Sullivanbrilliantlycaptureshowthevicissitudesoflife—grief,

infidelity,pressure—echothroughoutamarriage.”Sullivan’sthreenovels,Commencement,Maine,and—mostrecently—TheEngagements,tellstoriesthatweavetogethereventsovertime,sometimesacrossgenerations.Somehowshemanagestowritebooksthatarefuntoreadandhardtoputdownbutthatalsogracefullychallengethereader’sexpectations,invitingustothinkinnewwaysaboutthepoliticsofgenderandclass.

Inperson,Sullivanislovely,charming,andfunny;herlow-keymannerputsyoucompletelyateaseandyoucanalmostforgetthatshewasabestsellingauthorbeforetheageofthirty.Despitearigorouswritingschedule,sheneverfailstomaketimeforundergraduatestudentshereatSmith,wheresheisanalumna.Lastyear,althoughshewasworkingonatightdeadline,sheagreedtoSkypewithabrand-newgroupoffirst-yearstudentsandanswerquestionsaboutwriting.Wesatinasunnyclassroomaroundabigwoodentablethatfacedascreen,andsuddenlytherewasSullivanatherdeskinherBrooklynbedroom,smilingandtellingthegroupaboutherownfirstdaysofcollege,includingatearygood-byewithherparents.

LessonsI’veLearnedSometimesyouhavetomakeitupasyougoalong.

Duringcollege,mylifeconsistedmostlyofreadingnovelswhilewearing

pajamapants.Iaspiredtosomedaywritenovelswhilewearingpajamapants,too,andforthepastfouryears,that’smoreorlesswhatI’vedone(withalotofbooktourtravel,research,andactualclothingmixedin).Butbetweengettingmydiplomaandquittingmydayjobtowritefull-time,Iworkedasanassistantforsixyears—firstatAlluremagazineandlaterattheNewYorkTimes.Inbothplaces,Istartedasafishoutofwaterandhadtolearnonthejob.

Iwasraisedbyparentswholovedtheater,music,art,andliterature.TheysubscribedtotheNewYorker,butourdinnertableconversationsweremostlyaboutfamilygossipandwhathappenedatschoolthatday.Weweren’tintellectuals.IneverreallyknewtherewassuchathinguntilIarrivedinNewYorkattheageoftwenty.AsImadefriends,wenttococktailparties,andtalkedtopeopleatwork,IslowlyrealizedthattherewasawholevocabularyIdidn’tspeak,well-knownfiguresIdidn’tknow,andimportantbooksIwassupposedtohavereadbuthadn’t.Foralongtime,Iplayedcatch-up:I’dnodmyheadinagreementassomeonedetailedsomethingthey’dheardonNPR,thensneakofftothebathroomtoGooglewhatthehecktheyweretalkingabout.

Myentréeintopublishingbegansomewhatinauspiciously.ThefirststoponmyjobsearchwasacareerfairatabighotelinTimesSquare.Inoneballroom,publishinghouseswereinterviewingcandidates.Intheother,lawfirmswereconductinginterviews.Mybestfriendfromcollegewastherewithme—shewantedtoworkatalawfirm.Wewaitedaroundforwhatseemedlikehours.Shewashavingtroublewithherboyfriend,andwewereinthemiddleofabigdiscussionoverwhatsheshoulddoaboutit—whensuddenly,someonewasyellingmyname.Ihadn’trealizedthatIwasupnext.

Iranintotheballroom.Iwasnotreallyintherightheadspaceforaninterview,butIwasn’tnervousbecauseIhadgrownupsurroundedbybooks:theywereoneveryshelfofmyhouse;theyfilledthetrunkofmyfather’scar;theycamespillingoutofmybedroomclosetwheneverIopenedthedoor.IfeltasifIhaddonenothingbutreadfortheprevioustwodecades.Ihadthisinthebag.

Tokickofftheinterview,theniceladyfromhumanresourcesthrewmeasoftball,asking,whatweresomeofmyfavoritebooks?Iwentcompletelyblank.Icouldnotthinkofasingletitle.MyanswerwassomethingSarahPalin–esque,like,“Myfavoritebooks?Oh,gosh,allofthem.”(Evennow,tenyearslater,Icringeoverthisone.WalkingdownthestreetsofBrooklyn,I’llsuddenlythinktomyselfBleakHouse!Whydidn’tyousayBleakHouse?OrWillafreakingCather,youidiot.Howcouldyouforgetabouther?)

Needlesstosay,Ididn’tgetthejob.Eventually,though,IwashiredbyCondéNast,thelargemagazinepublisher

thatproducesAllure,Vogue,theNewYorker,andGQ,amongmanyothers.Myjobwastobea“rover,”basicallyafloatingtempandthemostbottom-of-the-totem-polepersonatthecompany.Asarover,youwentfromonemagazinetoanotherandwereatthewhimofwhoeverhiredyouthatweek.WhenIworkedatHouseandGarden,theyletmegoonphotoshootsandweregenerallywonderfultome.Butatamen’sfashionmagazine(thathassincefolded),Ihadtostandinaroomwithanenormouspileofclothingonthefloor,puttingitintogarmentbagsandhangingeachpieceuponebyone.Ididthateveryday,eighthoursaday,fortwoweeks.Atanothermagazine,thewomenIworkedforneverevenbotheredtolearnmyname.Theyjustcalledme“therover.”Theywouldsaythingstoeachotherlike,“Oh,Jennifer,canIborrowtherover?”asifIwereavacuumcleaner.ButIgottheimpressionthataslongasIdidn’tburndownthebuildingI’dendupwithajob,andsoIkeptgoing.Andthat’showIbecameanassistantatAllure.

AtAllure,justasIhaddoneatcountlesscocktailpartieswhenIfirstarrivedinNewYork,IgavemyselfacrashcourseinanewlanguagewithoutlettingonthatIwasdoingso.(BobbiBrownwasamakeupartist?Ithoughthewasamemberofaboyband.)Ispenttwoyearsthere.Tothisday,Istillhavenoideahowtoputoneyeliner,butIlearnedhowtowriteaboutit.IwroteaboutmakeupandcelebritiesalmostinthewaythatIwouldwritefiction—inthevoiceofacharacter.Itwasn’tthatIdesperatelycaredaboutthenewestlipgloss,butthepersoninwhosevoiceIwaswritingdid.OnceIfiguredthatout,Iwasabletodoit.

Asanassistant,Iworkedcrazyhours,helpingtwohigh-powerededitorsandalltheirwriters—I’dbeattheofficeuntilsevenp.m.andthenI’dgohomeandkeepworking.Itwasreallyfastpaced.Butitwasalsowonderful,becausetheyactuallyletmewrite.IdidacolumncalledTotalMakeover,intheFeaturessection,andoneday,IsawawomanreadingitattheLaundromatandcouldnotbelieveit:Ihadwrittenthisthingandshewasreadingit.Itwasthecoolestfeeling.Ihadalwayswrittenforfun,butatAllureIlearnedhowtobeaprofessional:howtotakeedits;howtowritetospaceandtoadeadline.AndImetsomanyamazingwritersandeditorswhoIknowtothisday.Itwasarealeducation.

TherewerecertainunspokenrulesatCondéNastthatsurprisedme.IhadinternedattheAtlanticMonthlyduringcollegeandIhadworkedinotheroffices,butIhadneverbeeninanenvironmentwherethesocialguidelinesweresoproscribedthatitwasalmostlikebeinginaVictoriannovel:“Youcan’tspeaktothispersonunlessspokento,”or“Youcan’tridetheelevatorwiththatperson,”or“Youneverwalkintothisperson’sofficewithoutpermission.”Atthetime,

oneofmybestfriendsfromcollegewasworkingforthisreallyscaryattorney,andwebothwould—onoccasion—cryinthebathroomstallandthene-maileachotheraboutwhatwashappeninginourworkplaces.

Meanwhile,onweekends,Iwasworkingawayonmyfirstnovel,Commencement.AfamousbestsellingnovelistwroteanessayforAllure,andwhenIinterviewedherforourContributorspage,shesaidshewashome“writingandwaitingforthewashingmachinerepairman.”Thisisnotexactlythemostglamorousstatement,butIhelditwithmeforyears:thethoughtthatassomeonewhomadeherlivingwritingnovels,youcouldbehomeonaTuesdayafternoonwritingandwaitingforthewashingmachinerepairman.

IleftAllurewhenIgottheopportunitytoworkasaresearchassistantforaNewYorkTimescolumnist.Ilovedthejob.Iimmersedmyselfinmyworkandlearnedtonsaboutworldpolitics.IalreadyreadtheNewYorkTimesandhadaprettygoodsenseofwhatwashappeninginthenews,butnowIwasworkingforanop-edcolumnistwhowascoveringIraqandAfghanistan,women’sissues,workers’rights,andpoverty.Igottomeetheadsofstateandamazingactivistsandthinkers,butsometimesIhadtofigurethingsoutasIwent.Icouldn’tjuststopinthemiddleofadeadlinetosay,“Excuseme,whatis‘yellowcake’andwhyisitaproblem?Tomeitsoundsdelicious.”(Yellowcake—oneword—turnsouttobearadioactivepowdermadefromuranium.)

Oneday,IgotaphonecallfromsomeonewhoaskedifmybosswantedtotakeameetingwithPOTUSthefollowingmorning.IhadnoideawhatPOTUSmeant,soInearlysaid,no,thanks.Luckily,Iranitbymybossfirst.“DoyouwanttomeetwithPOTUS?”Iaskedinaboredtone,asifIcouldanticipatehimsayingno.Instead,hesaid,“Ofcourse!”insuchawaythatIsuddenlyrealizedwhereI’dseentheacronymbefore.POTUSmeant“PresidentoftheUnitedStates.”

ThroughoutmytimeatAllureandtheNewYorkTimes,IcontinuedwritingmyfirstnovelandeventuallyIpublishedit.WhenIsoldmysecondnovel,Maine,IlefttheTimes.Icouldfinallysupportmyselfasanovelist.IcouldstayhomeonaTuesdaywritingandwaitingforthewashingmachinerepairman.I’velearnedthateveryprofessionalopportunityissomethingyoushouldseizeupon—youneverknowwhereitmightleadyou.Andthatifyouhaveapassion,itmighthavetobeahobbyforalongtimebeforeitbecomesajob.That’sokay.Keepgoing,workhard,anddon’tbeafraidtofigureitoutasyougoalong.

J.COURTNEYSULLIVAN’STIPS

•Alwayssayyestonewopportunities.Throughoutmytwenties,Ihadaruleformyself:ifsomeoneaskedmetowriteanarticle,Isaidyesnomatterwhat.Thatledmetogooutsideofmycomfortzone,tobuildupagreatresume,andtomaketonsofcontacts.

•Today’sassistantsaretomorrow’sheadhonchos.AftertenyearsinNewYork,I’vebeenamazedtoseethatmyfellowformerassistantsarenowleadingthecharge—oneiseditorinchiefofamagazine;othersarebestsellingauthors.Keepintouchwithpeopleandbeakindandgenerouscoworker.Youneverknowwhereitmightleadyouinthefuture.

D

CAROLS.DWECK“AsIwasplayingitsafeandavoidingsetbacks,Iwasmesmerizedbykidsinourresearchstudieswhoapproachedreallyhardpuzzlessayingthingslike,‘Iloveachallenge!’Tome,theideaofpotentialfailurewasunacceptable—buttheywererollinguptheirsleevesandtryingtogetsomethingoutofthis.Ifevertherewererolemodelsforme,itwastheseten-year-oldchildrensaying,‘Bringiton!’”

r.CarolS.Dweckdoesn’tusetheword“smart”todescribepeople—ever.WhenIpromptedhertotalkaboutoneofhergraduateschoolprofessorsbyasking,“Soyouthoughthewasreallysmart?”sheplayfullycountered,

“Ineverusedthatword!”TherewasatimewheneducatorsandpsychologiststhoughtthatyourIQ

determinedwhatyouwerecapableof—butthatwasbeforeCarolDweckcameonthesceneandbeganpublishingherresearch.Dweck,aStanfordUniversityprofessor,isoneoftheworld’sleadingresearchersonmotivation.Herresearchfocusesonwhypeoplesucceedandhowtohelpthemsucceed.Shesays,“Myworkhasshownthatpeople’smindsetsabouttheirabilities(whethertheyseethemasfixedtraitsorasqualitiesthatcanbedeveloped)canhaveaprofoundimpact.Thosewhobelievetheirintelligenceandtalentscanbedevelopedtakeonmorechallenges,bouncebackfromsetbacks,andoftenachievemore—andwhenpeoplearetaughtthis‘growthmindset’theirresilienceandachievementareboosted.”EducatorsseeevidenceofthiswhenDweck’sideasareintegratedintotheirpractice.Forexample,ProjectCoach,anout-of-schoolprogramdevelopedbySmithCollegeforyouthinSpringfield,Massachusetts,teachesat-riskteenagerstobesportcoachesforkids.Theteenscomeinwithbelow-averageGPAsandlearnaboutgrowthmindsetasaguidingphilosophytouseintheircoachingandtheirownlives.“Iftheybelieve,‘I’mjustnotgoodatschool,’”saysdirectorKayleighColombero,“theywon’timprove.”Theprojectexplicitlyencouragesagrowthmindset,usingathletesandcoachestoteachkidsthatpracticeanddedicationleadtoanincreaseintalent.Kids’GPAsincreaseafullpointonaverageduringtheiryearofbeingmentoredthroughtheproject.

InadditiontoteachingatStanford,Dweckhasheldprofessorshipsat

ColumbiaandHarvard;haslecturedtobusiness,sports,andeducationgroupsallovertheworld;haswonnumerousawards;andhasbeenelectedtotheAmericanAcademyofArtsandSciencesandtotheNationalAcademyofSciences.HerworkhasbeenfeaturedinpublicationsliketheNewYorker,Time,Newsweek,theNewYorkTimes,theWallStreetJournal,andtheWashingtonPostandshehasappearedonToday,GoodMorningAmerica,20/20,andNPR’sMorningEdition.HerwidelyacclaimedbookMindsethasbeentranslatedintoovertwentylanguages.

LessonsI’veLearnedDon’tlettheneedtobeseenasperfectbythoseyouadmirekeepyoufromdevelopingmentoringrelationships.

Iwasthebestspellerinmygradeschool,andmyteacherswantedtosendmetoadistrictwidecontest,butIrefused.Inmiddleschool,IwasthestarFrenchpupil,andtheprincipalaskedifIwouldcompeteinacitywidecompetition,butIsaidno.Beingatthetopofmyclasswasmyclaimtofame,andIworriedaboutwhatwouldbecomeofmystatusifIfailed.

Manyyearslater,whenIwasagraduatestudentinpsychologyatYale,theneedtoupholdmyimageas“smart”wasstill,insomeways,holdingmeback.Itwasthelate1960sand,likeotheryoungpeople,Iwantedtochangetheworld.IbegantakingclasseswithaprofessornamedSeymourSarason,whowasunusualinourfieldatthattimebecausehewasinterestedinapplyinghisresearchtothereal-lifeproblemsofchildren’slearningandeducationalchange.Itookseveralcourseswithhimanddeeplyadmiredhisimportantworkandhiswisdom.

Thenoneday,Iwassittinginmyadviser’sofficeandhereportedtomethathe’dhadaconversationwithSarason,whoapparentlythoughtIwas“really,reallysmart.”Itfeltgreat!Iwasthrilled,justbaskingintheapprovalandrespect.

Butfortherestofmygraduatecareer,IsteeredclearofSeymourSarason.Why?BecauseIhadthevalidationIcraved.Becauseinmydesireforperfection,Ithought,“WhatifIinteractmorewithhimanddon’tsaybrilliantthings?ThenImightnolongerhavehisblessing.”Lookingback,Ithinkitwasashame,becausehewasworkingonsomanythingsthatinterestedme.Insteadofaskingabouthisideasandsharingmine,IrobbedmyselfoftheopportunitytobementoredbysomeoneIgreatlyadmired.

Theironyisthatinmyresearch,Iwasstartingtolookathowpeoplecopewithfailure.Iwasaskingwhatallowssomechildrentocopewellandcausesotherstoactasthoughafailureistheendoftheworld.Ihadn’tyetrealizedthatthisworkwas“me-search”—researchthatwascompellingbecauseofmyownexperiencesandissues.Ihadneverreallyfailed,butwhenyou’reapersonwhowantstobeperfect,whowantstobevalidated,thespecteroffailureisalwaysthere.

Developinga“growthmindset”cansustainyouwhenyou’retakingrisksinyourcareer.

Myideashadgrownoutofresearchonlearnedhelplessness,whichdemonstratedthatwhenanimalswereexposedtoshockswhichtheycouldn’tescape,theyeventuallygaveuptryingto—evenafterthoseshocksbecameescapable.Theanimalslearnedthattheirbehaviorhadnoimpactontheirenvironment.Ithoughttherewereimportantanalogswithpeople:mytheorywasthatwhensomechildrenworkedontasksandfailed,itmadethemstopbelievingintheirabilities—andsotheystoppedtrying.

Inordertolearnmore,IwasdoingstudiesinwhichIgavefifthgradersdifferentkindsofproblems,puzzlesthatwecouldmakeeasierormoredifficult.Whensomekidsgotpuzzlesthattheycouldn’tsolve,theystoppedworkingandsaid,“Ican’tdothis.”Theythoughtthefailuremeanttheyhadnotalent,andtheybecamehelplessorincapacitated.Otherssaidthingslike,“Thisismyfavoritekindoftest!”Theyactuallyrevveduptheirenergyandtaughtthemselvesnewwaysofapproachingtheproblems,sometimesevensolvingproblemsthatweresupposedlytoohardforthem.Difficultymotivatedthem,whichactuallycausedthemtoincreasetheirabilities.

SoIwondered:whydidsomekidsseefailureasmeaningthattheylackedability,butotherssawitasanexcitingopportunitytolearn?Thechildrenwestudiedwereequallycapable,butsomejustwantedtovalidatetheirabilitiesthroughsolvingthepuzzlescorrectly,whileotherswantedtogroworincreasetheirabilitiesthroughtrying.Maybe,mystudentsandIthought,“ability”itselfhaddifferentmeaningstothem.Thosewhojustwantedtovalidateitwereseeingitasafixedthing—youshowyourabilitytotheworldthroughyourperformance,andtheworldpassesjudgment,tellingyouwhetherit’shighorlow.Butthosewhowantedtogrowtheirabilitysawitasmuchmoredynamic,assomethingthatcouldbedeveloped.

Beforestartingonthisnewlineofthinking,Ihadbeenpartofagroupofpsychologistsaroundtheworldwhostudiedpeople’s“attributions”(explanations)fortheirsuccessandfailure,andmyresearchwassuccessfulandwellreceived.AsIdevelopedthesenewtheoriesandquestionsaboutthemeaningofability,Iwassuddenlysteppingoutofthatnice,safegroupofpeerresearchers—essentiallyventuringintounknownterritorytodosomethingnew.Furthermore,myworkwasgoingtochallengethereceivedwisdomofthetime,whichwasthatabilityisstatic.IknewthatitmightnotbewellacceptedandthatIwasexposingmyselftothepossibilityoffailureforthefirsttime.

Everythingwasatstake.IknewthatIwouldn’tbeabletoeasilypublishthisresearch—itwastoonew—whichmademeworryforthegraduatestudentswhoweredevotedtotheseideasbutneededtopublishinordertogetjobs.Atthesametime,Ibelievedinmyworkandknewthatinordertogrow—bothprofessionallyandpersonally—Iwouldhavetopursueit.

Iremembertalkingtoacolleaguewhowasalsodevelopingideasthatwerenewandradicalinthefieldofpsychology,andshetoldmethatshewassoanxiousthatoneday,shewassureshehadcancer;thenextday,shethoughtshewasgoingtohaveaheartattack.Therewasjustthisfeelingthatyouwereputtingyourselfindanger.Butit’salwaysreassuringtohearthatsomeoneyourespectisgoingthroughsomethingsimilarandtoberemindedthatthisispartofthecreativeprocess.

Itwasalsohelpfulthatasmyresearchbeganspellingoutthecharacteristicsofthefixedmindsetversusthegrowthmindset,Ibegantoseethewaysinwhichtheseinsightscouldapplytome.Inafixedmindset,youvaluelookingsmartoverlearning.Youthinkeffortisbadbecauseifyouhaveahighability,thenyoushouldn’tneedtomakealotofeffort.Youthinkthatfailuresdefineyou.Inthegrowthmindset,youvaluelearningandeffort,andyouseemistakesandsetbacksastoolsforlearning.SothesediscoverieswerealmostlikearoadmapthatIcoulduseinforgingahead.IfIheardmyselfthinking,“Oh,thisishard.Idon’treallywanttodoit,”I’dgo,“No,no,no,no,no!Youhavetodoit.”

Itaughtmyselftoworktowardhavingagrowthmindsetbylisteningformomentswhenmyown“fixedmindset”revealeditself.OnenightwhenIwasdrivingbythepsychologybuilding,Isawlightsoninfacultyoffices.“Whyaretheyworkingatelevenp.m.?”Iwondered.“TheymustnotbeassmartasIam.”ButthenIrecognizedthisasa“fixedmindset”thoughtandsaidtomyself,“Maybetheyhavenewdatathatthey’reexcitedabout.Maybethey’reworkingonsomethingreallypassionately.”

Mynascentgrowthmindsetwasreallyputtothetestwhenourworkonmindsetswasinitiallyturneddownbythetoppsychologyjournals.Whenyou’re

doingsomethingnewandtheeditorandpeerreviewersaren’tfamiliarwithit,itcantakelongerthanusualtopublish.ButwitheveryrejectionIsaid,“Okay,whatdoIlearnfromthis?HowdoImakeitbetter?”Andeventhoughtheresearchwasn’timmediatelyhailedinprint,Ibeganpresentingtalksaboutitandcouldseethatpeoplerelatedtoitbothonanintellectual,theoreticallevelandonapersonallevel.Everyonewantedtotalkaboutit,tounderstandit.

Overtime,ourresearchbecameinternationallyrecognized;mystudentsandIhavereceivednumeroushonorsandawards,andtheideasthatwedevelopedaboutmindsetsarebecomingintegraltothewayinwhichpeopleunderstandlearning.I’mveryfortunatethatIwasabletotuneintomyownfindings,tounderstandthatIneededtodevelopagrowthmindsetinordertotakerisksanddomybestwork.Ifyouchoosetolearnmoreabouttheconceptsof“fixedmindset”versus“growthmindset”—whetherthroughmybookoronline—Ihopethattheseideaswillbehelpfulforyou,too.

CAROLS.DWECK’STIPS

•Mysixth-gradeteacherseatedusaroundourclassroomroominIQorder.IgrewupfeelinglikeIcouldneverletmyguarddownbecauseIhadtoupholdtheimageofbeing“smart”allthetime.Manyyearslater,lettinggoofthisallowedmetotaketherisksthatwereessentialtogrowingbothpersonallyandprofessionally.I’velearnedthatinordertodevelopintothepeoplewewanttobecome,weneedtoletgoofourneedforcontinualvalidation.

•Understandthateventhoughchangeisn’talwayseasy,eachofushasthecapacitytodevelopa“growthmindset”approachtoourlives.Whenyouhavea“growthmindset,”youunderstandthatmistakesandsetbacksareaninevitablepartoflearning.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I’dliketothankthebrilliantandbravecontributorsforthetimetheydevotedtospeakingwithmeandfortheirgenerosityintellingtheirstories.I’malsogratefultoLindsayEdgecombe,myagent,whoimmediately“got”thisbookandhasbeenhelpfulinsomanyways—bysettingadeadlineformetocompletetheproposal,providinglotsofusefulfeedback,andfindingafabulouseditor.KateNapolitano,myeditoratPlume,hasbeenawiseandmotivatingforcethroughouttheentireprocess.

ThisbookwasinspiredbyconversationswithSmithCollege’sMaureenA.MahoneyandJenniferL.Walters.Theirinterestinwomen’snarrativesandtheirmentorshipofmehasbeenlife-changing.I’dliketothankSueBriggs,too,forconversationswehavehadaspartoftheWomen’sNarrativesProject.AllyEinbinderisanextraordinarypersonandincrediblecolleague.Hercreativework,makingmusicaspartoftheexcellentbandPottyMouth,isanongoinginspiration.

Iappreciatethecolleaguesandfriendswhotooktimetohelpmethinkaboutandconnectwithpotentialcontributors:PatsyBarber,EmilyBerkman,EllenCarter,LizGarbus,JessicaGoldstein,RachelHass,TracyKramer,IrisNewalu,JessicaNicoll,FranRosenfeld,andRachelSimmons.Iwanttothankfriendswhoreaddraftsandgavemeusefulinput:HeatherAbel,JoeBacal,ArielleEckstut,LisaPapademetriou,andLauraSedlock.

Myparents,JimandJoanLevine,arealwayssupportive;thispastyear,theyofferedideasandchildcareinordertohelpmegettothefinishline.ThankyoualsotoJosh,Debby,Joel,andGabrielleforcheeringmealongtheway.

Finally,I’dliketothankmyson,Elijah,forhisenthusiasmaboutthisbook.Elijah,youwantedmetowriteaboutthemistakeofleavingtheicecreaminthemicrowavefortoomanysecondssothatitmeltedinsteadofjustsoftening—andnowIhave!I’dliketothankmydaughter,Edie,wholedbyexample,oftenbusywithherown“wert.”AndI’dliketothankJoeBacal,whomakeseverythingmorefun.

http://penguin.com/welcome?CMP=OTC-PEBL