ASAVIOREPUBLICBOOK

The5SecondRule:TransformYourLife,Work,andConfidencewithEverydayCourage©2017byMelRobbinsAllRightsReserved

ISBN:978-1-68261-238-5ISBN(eBook):978-1-68261-239-2

CoverDesignbyRachelGreenbergInteriorCompositionbyGregJohnson/TextbookPerfect

Nopartofthisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedbyanymeanswithoutthewrittenpermissionoftheauthorandpublisher.

PublishedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica

Digitalbook(s)(epubandmobi)producedbyBooknook.biz.

THISISTHETRUESTORYOFTHE5SECONDRULE

WHATitis,WHYitworks,andHOWpeoplearoundtheworldare

usingittochangetheirlivesinfivesimpleseconds.

Theeventsdescribedinthisbookarereal.

Nonameshavebeenchanged.

Thesocialmediapoststhatappearthroughoutthisbookaretheactualposts.

Icannotwaittosharethisbookwithyouandwatchyouunlockthe

powerofyou.

5...4...3...2...1...GO!

Xo,

Mel

THE5SECONDRULETRANSFORMYOURLIFE,WORK,ANDCONFIDENCEWITH

EVERYDAYCOURAGE

PART 1

THE5SECONDRULE

1. FiveSecondsToChangeYourLife

2. HowIDiscoveredthe5SecondRule

3. WhatYouCanExpectWhenYouUseIt

4. WhyTheRuleWorks

PART 2

THEPOWEROFCOURAGE

5. EverydayCourage

6. WhatAreYouWaitingFor?

7. You’llNeverFeelLikeIt

8. HowToStartUsingtheRule

PART 3

COURAGECHANGESYOURBEHAVIOR

HowtoBecometheMostProductivePersonYou

Know

9. ImproveYourHealth

10. IncreaseProductivity

11. EndProcrastination

PART 4

COURAGECHANGESYOURMIND

HowtoBecometheHappiestPersonYouKnow

12. StopWorrying

13. EndAnxiety

14. BeatFear

PART 5

COURAGECHANGESEVERYTHING

How To Become theMost Fulfilled Person You

Know

15. BuildingRealConfidence

16. PursuingPassion

17. EnrichYourRelationships

THEPOWEROFYOU

EverydayCourageCourage is the ability to do things that feel difficult,

scary,oruncertain.

Itisn’treservedforjustachosenfew.

Courageisabirthright.It’sinsideallofus.

Andit’swaitingforyoutodiscoverit.

Onemomentofcouragecanchangeyourday.Oneday

canchangeyourlife.Andonelifecanchangetheworld.

That’s the true power of courage; it reveals you. The

greatestversionofyou.

Discover your courage, and you will be capable of

accomplishing and experiencing anything you dream

about.

Yes,evenchangingtheworld.

PART1

THE5SECONDRULE

Y

CHAPTERONE

FIVESECONDSTOCHANGEYOURLIFE

ou are about to learn something remarkable—it takes just five seconds tochangeyourlife.Soundslikeagimmick,doesn’tit?It’snot.It’sscience.I’ll

proveittoyou.Youchangeyourlifeonefive-seconddecisionatatime.Infact,it’stheonlywayyouchange.

Thisisthetruestoryofthe5SecondRule:whatitis,whyitworks,andhowithastransformedthelivesofpeoplearoundtheworld.TheRuleiseasytolearnandits impact is profound. It’s the secret to changing anything.Once you learn theRule,youcanstartusingitimmediately.TheRulewillhelpyoulive,love,work,andspeakwithgreaterconfidenceandcourageeveryday.Useitonceandit’llbethereforyouwheneveryouneedit.

I created the 5 SecondRule at a time inmy lifewhen everythingwas fallingapart.Andbyeverything,Imeaneverything:mymarriage,finances,career,andself-esteemwereallinthegutter.Myproblemsseemedsobigthatitwasastruggleeachmorningjusttogetoutofbed.That’sactuallyhowtheRulebegan—IinventedtheRuletohelpmebreakmyhabitofhittingthesnoozebutton.

WhenIusedtheRulefortheveryfirsttimesevenyearsago,Ithoughtitwassilly.LittledidIknowthatIhadinventedapowerfulmetacognitiontechniquethatwouldchangeabsolutelyeverythingaboutmylife,work,andsenseofself.

What’shappenedtomesincediscoveringthe5SecondRuleandthepoweroffive seconddecisions isunbelievable. Inotonlywokeup—Ishookupmyentirelife. I’ve used this one tool to take control and improve everything from myconfidencetomycashflow,mymarriagetomycareer,andmyproductivitytomyparenting.Ihavegonefrombouncingcheckstosevenfiguresinthebankandfromfightingwithmyhusbandtocelebrating20yearsofmarriage.I’vecuredmyselfofanxiety, built and sold two small businesses, been recruited to join the teams atCNNandSUCCESSmagazine,andI’mnowoneofthemost-bookedspeakersintheworld.I’veneverfeltmoreincontrol,happy,orfree.Icouldn’thavedoneanyofitwithouttheRule.

The5SecondRulechangedeverything…byteachingmejustonething:HOWtochange.

UsingtheRule,Ireplacedmytendencytooverthinkthesmallestmoveswithabias toward action. I used theRule tomaster self-monitoring and becomemorepresent and productive. The Rule taught me how to stop doubting and startbelievinginmyself,myideas,andmyabilities.And,theRulehasgivenmetheinnerstrengthtobecomeabetterandmuchhappierperson,notforothers,butforme.

TheRulecandothesameforyou.That’swhyIamsoexcitedtoshareitwithyou.Inthenextfewchapters,you’lllearnthestorybehindtheRule,whatitis,why

itworks,andthecompellingsciencetobackitup.You’lldiscoverhowfivesecond

decisions and actsof everyday courage change your life.Finally, you’ll learnhowyou can use the #5SecondRule in combination with the latest research-backedstrategiestobecomehealthier,happier,andmoreproductiveandeffectiveatwork.You’llalsolearnhowtouseittoendworry,manageanxiety,findmeaninginyourlifeandbeatanyfear.

And, that’snotall.You’ll seeproof.Lotsofproof.Thisbook ispackedwithsocialmediapostsandfirst-handaccountsfrompeopleallovertheworldwhoareusing theRule tomakesomeamazing thingshappen.Yes, theRulewillhelpyouwake up on time, but what it really does is something far more remarkable—itwakesuptheinnergenius,leader,rockstar,athlete,artist,andchangeagentinsideofyou.

Whenyoufirst learntheRule,you’ll likelystartusingittosticktoyourgoals.Youmightuse theRule topushyourself toget to thegym likeMargaretdoeswhensheisn’t“feelingit.”

OryoumayusetheRuletobecomemoreinfluentialatwork.That’showMalfirstusedtheRule—tofindthecouragetomeetwithhisbossandtalkabouthiscareergoals(somethingthatsomanyofusfear).ThankstotheRule,itnotonlyhappened,butitwentgreat:

That’sanother thing that’suniqueabout theRule—Imayhavecreated it,butit’snotjustmystorytotell.Insidethisbook,you’llmeetpeoplearoundtheworldfromallwalksoflifewhoareusingtheRule,inwaysbigandsmall,totakechargeoftheirlives.TheirdiverseexperienceswillhelpyouunderstandjusthowlimitlesstheapplicationsfortheRuleanditsbenefitstrulyare.

You can use theRule to becomemore productive. Before the 5 SecondRule,Laura used tomake endless to-do lists and sat aroundmaking excuses andbeing a jerk to herself. Now, there’s no room in Laura’s life for excuses—onlyaction. Laura has increased her cash flow by $4,000 a month, finished herbachelor’sdegree,andhikedafew4,000footers.Nextup,runamarathon.

YoucanusetheRuletostepoutsideofyourcomfortzoneandbecomemore effective at networking. Ken used the 5 Second Rule the same day helearned it at the Project Management Institute National Conference to meet

“movers and shakers,”Matthewused it to cold-callC-Level executives, andAlanusedittomeet“adozenfolksIwouldn’thaveotherwise”ataPGATourevent.

You can also use the Rule to self-monitor and control your emotions.JennausestheRuleasamomtopractice“patienceinsteadofsnappingat”herkids.She’salsousingitasasalestoolinhernewdirectsellingbusiness.TheRulehelpsherstopthinkingabouthow“intimidating”itistosellandgivesherthecouragetojuststartselling.

Executives inside someof theworld’smost respectedbrandsareusingthe Rule to help their managers change, drive sales, engage teams, andinnovate. TakeCrystal atUSAA,whose entire sales team is using the 5 SecondRuleandtheresulthasbeenawesome—they’vejumpedto“#1inourlocation.”

The#5SecondRuleissoeasytolearnandsoimportantforconfidencethatweseemanagers,likeMuz,teachingittotheirteamsallovertheworld.

You’ll also be inspired by the stories of people who are finding thecouragetostopthinkingandstartputtingtheirideasintoaction.Mark,whoafterdecadesofthinkingaboutstartinganonprofiticehockeyleagueforinnercitykids,usedtheRuletofinallygettheidea“outofmyhead”and“intoaction.”He’snowpartneredwith formerOlympiansandNHLalumni tocreatecamps, clinics,andleagues.

The Rule is also a powerful tool in the battles of addiction anddepression.Billlearnedaboutthe#5SecondRuleonaRedditthreadanditwasthe“Rightmessage.Rightplace.Righttime.”HestartedusingtheRule’s“countdowntrick” to quit drinking and it’s working “amazing!!” He just celebrated his 40thbirthdaycompletelysober.

AnditmightevensaveyourlifeAworkcolleagueofminerecentlyreachedoutandsharedaverypoignant#5SecondRulestorywithme.Afterheandhiswifesplit up, he fell into a deep depression. It got so bad that he “contemplatedsuicide.”Athislowestpoint,heusedtheRuleto“putitdownandcallforhelp.”Findingthecouragetogetoutofhisheadbycounting5-4-3-2-1andthencallingforhelpsavedhislife.

InusingtheRuleformorethansevenyears,andhearingfrompeoplealloverthe world, I’ve come to realize that every single day we face moments that aredifficult,uncertain,andscary.Your liferequirescourage.Andthat isexactlywhattheRulewillhelpyoudiscover—thecouragetobecomeyourgreatestself.

HowCanOneSimpleToolWorkinSoMany

PowerfulWays?

Greatquestion.The#5SecondRuleisonlyeverworkingononething—YOU.Youhavegreatnessinsideofyou.Evenatyourlowestpoint,greatnessisthere.TheRulewillgiveyouboththeclaritytohearthatgreatnessandthecouragetoactonit.

Using theRule, I have discovered the courage to do things that I had spentyearsthinkingaboutandmakingexcusesfor.OnlythroughactionhaveIunlockedthepowerinsideofmetobecomethepersonthatI’vealwayswantedtobe.Andthe confidence I exhibit on TV, online, and on stage is what I call “RealConfidence.”

I’vebuiltRealConfidencebylearninghowtohonormyinstinctswithactionsothattheycometolifeintherealworld.Iusetheword“honor”onpurpose.That’swhat you are doingwhen you use theRule.You are honoring yourself.You arechampioningyourideas.Andeachtimeyouuseit,youtakeonestepclosertobeingthepersonyouaretrulymeanttobe.Ihavechangedfromthekindofpersonwhojust thinks aboutmy ideas tohaving the confidence to share, acton, andpursuethem.IfyouusetheRuleconsistentlyandyouhonoryourinstinctswithaction,theexactsametransformationwillhappentoyou.

Marlowe discovered just how easy it is to use the Rule to transform herself.Days after learning the Rule, she used it to stop thinking about signing up forclassesandactuallydo it,whichwassomethingshe“hadbeenwanting todobutkeptmakingexcusesfor,foralongtime.”

AsMarloweputit,“it’sabsolutelyincredibleandawe-inspiringhoweasythingsbecomeonceyouwrapyourheadaroundyourownabilitytoPUSHyourself.”

She’sright.OnceyoustartusingtheRuletopushyourselfoutofyourheadandintoaction,you’llbe“astonished”byhoweasyitistomakeafiveseconddecisionthatchangeseverything.

AsIusedtheRulemoreandmoreinmylife,IrealizedthatIwasmakingsmalldecisions all day long that heldme back. In five seconds flat, I’d decide to stayquiet,towait,andnottoriskit.I’dhaveaninstincttoactandwithinfiveseconds

mymindwouldkillitwithdoubt,excuses,worry,orfear.Iwastheproblemandinfiveseconds,Icouldpushmyselfandbecomethesolution.Thesecrettochangehadbeenrightinfrontofmyfacetheentiretime—fivesecondsdecisions.

HaveyoueverseenthatfamouscommencementaddressDavidFosterWallacegaveatKenyonCollegein2005?Ifyouhaven’tseenorreadthisspeech,youcanfinditonYouTubeandit’sdefinitelyworththe20minutesittakestowatch.

Init,Wallacestepsuptothemicandstartsoffwiththisjoke:

Therearethesetwoyoungfishswimmingalong,andtheyhappentomeetanolderfishswimmingtheotherway,whonodsatthemandsays,“Morning,boys,how’sthewater?”

Andthetwoyoungfishswimonforabit,andtheneventuallyoneofthemlooksoverattheotherandgoes,“Whatthehelliswater?”

You canhear the audience laugh in the video, and thenWallace explains theimmediatepointofthefishstoryisthat“themostobvious,importantrealitiesareoftentheonesthatarethehardesttoseeandtalkabout.”

Forme,thehardestthingtoseeandtalkaboutwastheverynatureofchangeitself. I had always wondered why it was so damn hard to make myself do thethings that I knew I should do in order to expand my career, enrich myrelationships, become healthier, and improve my life. Discovering the#5SecondRule gave me the million-dollar answer—change comes down to thecourageyouneedeverydaytomakefiveseconddecisions.

YouAreOneDecisionAwayfromaCompletely

DifferentLife

Insidethisbook,I’mgoingtoshareeverythingthatI’velearnedaboutchangeand the power of everyday courage.You’re going to lovewhat you are about to

learn.ThecoolestpartwillbewhenyoustarttousetheRuleandseetheresultsforyourself.Youwillnotonlywakeupandrealizejusthowmuchyou’veheldyourselfback.Youwillalsoawakenthepowerthat’sbeeninsideofyouallalong.

Asyou read thestories inside thesepages,youmighteven realize thatyou’veusedthe#5SecondRulebefore.Ifyoulookbackonyourlifeandreflectonsomeof the most important moments, I guarantee that you’ve made a life-changingdecisionpurelyoninstinct.Infivesecondsflat,youmade,whatIcall,a“heart-firstdecision.”Youignoredyourfearsandletyourcourageandyourconfidencespeakforyou.Fivesecondsofcouragemakesallthedifference.

Just ask Catherine. When she first learned about the #5SecondRule at hercompany’sexecutiveleadershipoffsite,itmadeherrealizeshehadusedtheRuletomakeoneofthemost importantdecisionsofher life—shejustdidn’trealize itatthetime.In1990,hersisterTracywaskilledandCatherinetraveledbackhometohelp.That’swhen“a5Seconddecision”changednotonlyher life“but somanyothers aswell.” Shedecided to raiseher sister’s “two little ones”whowere “leftbehind”whenTracydied.

Ilovehowshedescribesthedecisionasa“nobrainer”—becausewhenyouactwithcourage,yourbrainisnotinvolved.Yourheartspeaksfirstandyoulisten.TheRulewillteachyouhow.

Willittakesomeeffortonyourparttodiscoverthepowerwithinyou?Yes,itwill.ButasMarlowesaidjustafewpagesago,“Itisabsolutelyincredibleandawe-inspiringhoweasythingsbecome”whenyoudo.

Doingtheworktoimproveyourlifeissimple,youcandoit,andit’sworkyouwant todo—because it’s themost importantworkthat there is. It is theworkoflearninghowtoloveandtrustyourselfenoughtostopwaitingandtostartleaningintoallthemagic,opportunity,andjoythatyourlife,work,andrelationshipshavetooffer.

I’m so excited to hear about what happens when you start using the#5SecondRule.ButI’mjumpingaheadofthestory.BeforewecantalkaboutalloftheexcitingwaysthatyoucanusetheRule,Ineedtotakeyoubackto2009andexplainhowthisallstarted.

cour-age/’kerij/noun

Theabilitytodosomethingthatisdifficultorscary

Steppingoutsideofyourcomfortzone

Sharingyourideas,speakingup,orshowingup

Standingfirminyourbeliefsandvalues

Andsomedays…gettingoutofbed.

T

CHAPTERTWO

HOWIDISCOVEREDTHE5SECONDRULE

his all started in2009. Iwas41yearsold and facing somemajorproblemswithmoney,work,andinmymarriage.AssoonasIwokeupeachmorning,

allIfeltwasdread.

Haveyoueverfeltthatway?It’stheworst.Thealarmrings,andyoujustdon’tfeel likegettingupand facing theday.Or,you lieawakeatnightwithyourheadspinningasyouworryaboutallofyourproblems.

Thatwasme.Formonths,IfeltsooverwhelmedbytheproblemsIhadthatIcouldbarelygetoutofbed.Whenthealarmrangat6a.m.,Iwouldliethereandthinkaboutthedayahead,thelienonthehouse,thenegativeaccountbalance,my

failedcareer,howmuchIresentedmyhusband…andthenIwouldhitthesnoozebutton.Notonce,butoverandoveragain.

Inthebeginning, itwasn’tabigdeal,butas isthecasewithanybadhabit,astimewenton, it snowballed intoamuchbiggerproblemthat impactedmyentireday.BythetimeIfinallygotup,thekidshadmissedthebusandIfelt likeIwasfailing at life. I spent most of my days tired, running late, and feeling totallyoverwhelmed.

Idon’tevenknowhowitstarted—Ijustrememberfeelingsodefeatedallthetime.Myprofessionallifewasinthegutter.Overthepast12years,IhadchangedcareerssomanytimesthatIwasdevelopingmultiplepersonalities.Aftergraduatingfromlawschool,IstartedmycareerasapublicdefenderfortheLegalAidCriminalDefenseSociety inNYC.ThenImetmyhusbandChrisandwegotmarriedandmoved to Boston so that he could pursue hisMBA. In Boston, I worked crazyhoursforalargelawfirmandwasmiserableallthetime.

Whenourdaughterwasborn,Iusedmymaternityleavetolookforanewjoband landed intheBostonstartupscene.Iworkedforseveral techstartupsduringthoseyears. Itwas funandI learneda lotbut Inever felt like techwas the rightcareerforme.

Ihiredacoachtohelpmefigureout“whattodowithmylife.”Workingwithacoachledmetowanttobecomeone.So,likealotofpeople,Iworkedduringtheday, focusedonthekidswhenIgothome,andthenIstudiedatnight toget thecertificationIneeded.Eventually,Ilaunchedacoachingbusiness.Ilovedit,andIwouldprobablystillbedoingitifthemediahadnotcalled.

Mymediacareerbeganasa fluke: Inc.magazinepublishedanarticle featuringmycoachingbusinessandanexecutiveatCNBCsawitandcalled.Thatonecallledto lotsofmeetings.Aftermonthsof tryouts, I landeda“developmentdeal”withABCandacall-inradioshowonSirius.

Sounds fancy, but it wasn’t. I was surprised to learn thatmost developmentdealspaynexttonothingandthatradiopaysevenlessthanthat.Inreality,IwasamotherofthreedrivingbackandforthtoNYC,sleepingonfriends’couchesinthecity, coaching clients on the side to make the ends meet, leaning too much onfriendsandfamilytofillthechildcaregaps,anddoingwhateverIcouldtomakeitallwork.

Afterseveralyearsscrapingby in themediabusiness, Igotmy“bigbreak.”IwascasttohostarealityshowforFOX.IhadvisionsofmagicallysolvingallofourfinancialproblemsbybecomingaTVstar.Whatajoke.Weshotafewepisodesofa show called Someone’s Gotta Go, and then the network tabled the show. In aninstant,mymediacareerhitadeadend.Ionlygotpaidifwewereshooting.Ifoundmyselfunemployedand locked intoacontract for tenmonths thatpreventedmefrompursuinganothermediajob.

By this point, Chris had finished his MBA and started a thin crust pizzarestaurantwith his best friend in the Boston area. In the beginning, thingsweregoing great. The first location was a home run, the company won Best ofBoston™,multipleregionalawards,andthepizzawasfantastic.Theyopenedupasecondrestaurantand,ontheencouragementofalargegrocerychain,awholesaleoperation.Ontheoutside,itlookedlikebusinesswasbooming.Butonthebalancesheet, thewheelswerestarting tocomeoff.Theyhadexpanded tooquickly.Thesecond restaurant failed and the wholesale business needed more cash to grow.Thingsgotscaryveryfast.

Likea lotofsmallbusinessowners,wehadpouredourhomeequity lineandlife savings into the restaurant business and it was now disappearing before oureyes.Wehadnosavingsleftandthehomeequitylinewasfullytappedout.WeekswentbywithoutChrisgettingpaid.Liensstartedtohitourhouse.

With me out of work and Chris’s business struggling, the financial pressuremounted;scarylettersfromattorneysseemedtoarrivedailyandchecksconstantlybounced. The collection calls were so relentless that we unplugged the phone.When my dad sent us money to cover the mortgage, I was both grateful andashamed.

Inpublic,wetriedtokeepupappearancesbecausesomanyfriendsandfamilymembers had invested in the restaurant business, which onlymade the pressureworse.Chris andhis partnerwereworking around-the-clock to save it. I tried tokeep an upbeat façade, but on the inside I was overwhelmed, embarrassed, andafraid.Ourfinancialproblemsweretearingusapart.Iblamedtherestaurantsandheblamedmeforpursuingacareerinthemediabusiness.Intruth,wewerebothtoblame.

Nomatterhowbadyourlifecanseem,youcanalwaysmakeitworse.Idid.Idranktoomuch.Waytoomuch.Iwasjealousoffriendswhodidn’thavetowork.Iwasbitchyand judgmental.Ourproblemsseemedsobig that IconvincedmyselftherewasnothingIcoulddo.Meanwhile,inpublic,Ijustpretendedeverythingwasfine.

Inhindsight,IcanseethatiswasjusteasiertofeelsorryformyselfandblameChrisandhisstrugglingbusinessthantotakealookinthemirrorandpullmyselftogether.ThebestwaytodescribehowIfeltwas“trapped.”IfelttrappedbymylifeandthedecisionsIhadmade.Ifelttrappedbyourmoneyproblems.AndIfelttrappedinafrustratingstrugglewithmyself.

IknewwhatIshouldorcouldbedoingtomakethingsbetter,butIcouldn’tmakemyself do those things. Theywere small things: getting up on time, beingnicertoChris,gettingsupportfromfriends,drinkingless,andtakingbettercareofmyself.Butknowingwhatyouneedtodoisn’tenoughtocreateachange.

Iwouldthinkaboutexercising,butIwouldn’t.Iwouldconsidercallingafriendtotalk,butIdidn’t.IknewthatifItriedtofindajoboutsideofthemediaindustryit would help, but I couldn’t motivate myself to look. I didn’t feel comfortablegoingbacktocoachingpeoplebecauseIfeltlikesuchafailuremyself.

IknewwhatIneededtodobutIcouldn’tmakemyselftakeaction.Andthat’sthethingthatmakeschangingsohard.Changerequiresyoutodothingsthatfeelhardandscary.Changerequirescourageandconfidence—andIwastappedoutofboth.

What I did do was spend a lot of time thinking. Thinking made everythingworse.ThemoreI thoughtaboutthesituationthatwewere in, themoreafraidIfelt.That’swhatyourminddoeswhenyoufocusonproblems—itmagnifiesthem.ThemoreIworried, themoreuncertainandoverwhelmedIbecame.ThemoreIthought,themoreparalyzedIfelt.

Everynight,I’dhaveafewdrinkstotaketheedgeoff.I’dclimbinbeddrunkorbuzzed,closemyeyes,anddreamaboutadifferentlife—onewhereIdidn’thavetoworkandallofourproblemshadmagicallydisappeared.Themoment Iwokeup,Ihadtofacereality:mylifewasanightmare.Iwas41,unemployed,infinancialruin, struggling with a drinking problem, and had zero confidence inmy ormyhusband’sabilitiestofixourproblems.

That’swhere thesnoozebuttoncame in. Ihit it…two, three,or four timesamorning.WhenIhitthatsnoozebuttonitwastheonemomenteverydaywhereIactuallyfeltlikeIwasincontrol.Itwasanactofdefiance.ItwasasifIweresaying,

“Ohyeah?!Takethat,life!****you!I’mnotgettinguprightnow,I’mgoingbacktosleep.So,there!”

BythetimeIfinallygotup,Chrishadalreadyleftfortherestaurants,thekidswereinvariousstatesofdress,andtheschoolbuswaslonggone.Tosaymorningswerechaoticwouldbeputtingitpolitely.Theywereatrainwreck.Wewerealways

late. I forgot lunches,backpacks,gymbags, andpermissionslips aswe racedoutthedoor.IfeltashamedbythenumberofballsIdroppedeverysingleday.Feelingthatshamejustputmeonedgeevenmore.

And here’s the kicker: I knew what I needed to do to start my day right. Ineeded to get up on time,make breakfast, and get the kids on the bus. Then Ineededtolookforajob.It’snotlikeIhadtoclimbMountEverest.However,thefactthat itwassimplestuffactuallymadeitworse.IhadnolegitimateexcuseforwhyIcouldn’tgetitdone.

Myself-confidencewasinadeathspiral.IfIcouldn’tevengetupontime,howthe heck could I have faith in myself to fix the bigger financial and marriageproblemsthatChrisandIfaced?Lookingback,IcanseethatIwaslosinghope.

Haveyouevernoticedhowthesmallestthingscanfeelsohard?Havingheardfrom thousandsofyou, Iknow that I amnotaloneon thisone.The listofhardthingsissurprisinglyuniversal:

SpeakinginameetingStayingpositiveMakingadecisionFindingtimeforyourself

AskingforfeedbackRaisingyourhandAskingforaraiseEndingself-doubtWorkingonyourrésumé

Hitting“send”onemails

StickingtoyourplanLeavingthehouseVolunteeringtogofirstShowingupatareunion

Blockinganexonsocialmedia

Talkingtosomeoneyoufindattractive

Steppingonadancefloor

PublishingyourworkGettingtothegymEatinginmoderationSaying“no”AskingforhelpLettingyourguarddownAdmittingyouarewrongListening

Inmycase,itwasgettingupontime.Lyinginbedeverynight,IwouldmakepromisestomyselfthattomorrowIwouldchange:

Tomorrow, I will change. Tomorrow, I will wake up earlier. Tomorrow, I will have a better attitude and try a littleharder.Iwillgotothegym.I’llbenicetomyhusband.I’lleathealthy.Iwon’tdrinksomuch.TomorrowIwillbethefutureme!

Andwith thatvision inmindandaheart fullofhope,I’dsetmyalarmfor6a.m.andclosemyeyes.Andthecyclewouldbegintheverynextmorning.Assoonasthatalarmrang,Ididn’tfeellikethe“futureme.”Ifeltliketheoldme,andtheoldmewantedtokeepsleeping.

Yes, I thought about getting up, and then I would hesitate, roll toward thealarm,andhitthesnoozebutton.Fivesecondswasallittookformetotalkmyselfoutofit.

The reason that I didn’t get out of bedwas simple: I just didn’t feel like it. IwouldlaterlearnthatIwasstuckinwhatresearcherscalla“habitloop.”Ihadhitthesnoozebuttonsomanymorningsinarowthebehaviorwasnowaclosed-looppatternencodedinmybrain.

Thenonenight,everythingchanged.

IwasabouttoturnofftheTVandheadtobedwhenatelevisioncommercialcaughtmy attention.Thereon the screenwas the imageof a rocket launching. Icouldhearthefamousfinalfive-secondcountdown,5-4-3-2-1,fireandsmokefilledthescreen,andtheshuttlelaunched.

Ithoughttomyself,“That’sit,I’lllaunchmyselfoutofbedtomorrow…likearocket.I’llmovesofastIwon’thavetimetotalkmyselfoutofit.”Itwasjustaninstinct.OnethatIcouldhaveeasilydismissed.Luckily,Ididn’t.Iactedonit.

The fact is, I wanted to solve our problems. I didn’t want to destroy mymarriage or keep feeling like the world’s worstmom. I wanted to be financially

secure.Iwantedtofeelhappyandproudofmyselfagain.

AndIDesperatelyWantedtoChange.IJust

Didn’tKnowHow.

Andthisisanimportantpointinmystory.Thisinstincttolaunchmyselfoutofbed wasmy inner wisdom talking. Hearing it was a tipping point. Following itsinstructionswaslife-changing.Yourbrainandyourbodysendyousignalstowakeupandtopayattention.Thisideaoflaunchingmyselfoutofbedisanexampleofthat.Your instinctsmay seem stupid in themoment, butwhen you honor themwithdeliberateaction,itcanchangeyourlife.

There’smore to thispointaboutactingonyour instincts than just thephrase“trustyourgut.”NewresearchfromtheUniversityofArizona,inpartnershipwithCornell and Duke, has shown that there’s a powerful connection between yourbrainandyourinstincttoact.Whenyousetagoal,yourbrainopensupatasklist.Wheneveryouarenearthingsthatcanhelpyouachievethosegoals,yourbrainfiresupyourinstinctstosignaltogetthatgoalcompleted.Letmegiveyouanexample.

Let’s say you have a goal to get healthier. If you walk into a living room,nothinghappens.Ifyouwalkpastagym,however,yourprefrontalcortexlightsupbecauseyouarenearsomethingrelatedtogettinghealthier.Asyoupassthegym,you’ll feel like you should exercise. That’s an instinct reminding you of the goal.That’syourinnerwisdom,andit’simportanttopayattentiontoit,nomatterhowsmallorsillythatinstinctmayseem.

Subconsciously, my brain was signaling me to pay attention to this rocketlaunchonTV.Inthatfive-secondmoment,mybrainwassendingmeaveryclearsetofinstructions:

Payattention to that rocket launch,Mel.Grab the idea.Believe in it.Anddo it.Don’t stopand think.Don’t talkyourselfoutofit.Launchyourselfoutofbedtomorrow,Mel.

That’soneofthethingsI’velearnedusingthe#5SecondRule.Whenitcomestogoals,dreams,andchangingyourlife,yourinnerwisdomisagenius.Yourgoal-related impulses,urges,and instinctsaretheretoguideyou.Youneedto learntobet on them. Because, as history proves, you’ll never know when your greatestinspirationwill strike andwhere that discoverywill lead you if you trust yourselfenoughtoactonit.

This is how some of theworld’smost useful inventionswere discovered. In1826,JohnWalkerdiscoveredthematchwhilehewasusingasticktostirapotofchemicals,andwhenhetriedtoscrapeagobofftheend—itignited.Hefollowedhis instincttotrytorecreate itandthis ishowhediscoveredthematch.In1941,GeorgedeMestralinventedVelcro®afternoticinghoweasilycocklebursattachedtohisdog’s fur. In1974,ArtFrygot the idea for thePost-It®Notebecauseheneeded a bookmark that would stay put on a page in his hymnal until Sunday’schurchservice,butthatwouldnotdamagethepageswhenheremovedit.

That’sevenhowtheFrappuccinowasborn.In1992,anassistantmanagerataStarbucksinSantaMonicanoticedthatsalesdroppedwheneveritwashotoutside.Hehadaninstincttomakeafrozendrinkandhefollowedit,askingforablender,tinkeringwithrecipes,andgivingaVicePresidentasample.ThefirstFrappucinorolledoutinhisstoreayearlater.

Whenitcomestochange,goals,anddreams,youhavetobetonyourself.Thatbetstartswithhearingtheinstincttochangeandhonoringthatinstinctwithaction.IfeelsothankfulthatIlistenedtomydumbideaaboutlaunchingmyselfoutofbedlike a rocket because everything inmy life changed as a result of it.Here’swhathappened:

Thenextmorningthealarmrangat6a.m.andthefirstthingIfeltwasdread.Itwasdark. Itwas cold. Itwaswinter inBostonand Ididnotwant towakeup. Ithoughtabouttherocket launchandI immediatelyfelt like itwasstupid.Then,IdidsomethingthatIhadneverdonebefore—IignoredhowIfelt.Ididn’tthink.Ididwhatneededtobedone

Insteadofhittingthesnoozebutton,Istartedcounting.

Backwards.

5..4..3..2..1..AndthenIstoodup.

ThatwastheexactmomentIdiscoveredthe#5SecondRule.

The5SecondRuleThemomentyouhaveaninstincttoactona

goalyoumust

5-4-3-2-1andphysicallymoveoryourbrainwillstopyou.

W

CHAPTERTHREE

WHATYOUCANEXPECTWHENYOUUSEIT

henIusedtheRulethatfirstmorning,Iwasassurprisedasyouarethatsomething that stupid worked. Counting backwards? 5- 4- 3- 2- 1…

seriously? I didn’t know why it worked. I just knew it did. I had struggled formonths towakeupon time and suddenly the#5SecondRulemade changingmybehaviorsimple.

Later I would learn that when you count backwards, you mentally shift thegearsinyourmind.Youinterruptyourdefaultthinkinganddowhatpsychologistscall “assert control.” The counting distracts you from your excuses and focusesyourmind onmoving in a new direction.When you physicallymove instead ofstopping to think, your physiology changes and your mind falls in line. In

researching this book, I discovered that the Rule is (in the language of habit

research) a“starting ritual” that activates theprefrontal cortex,helping tochangeyourbehavior.

Theprefrontal cortex is thepart of yourbrain that youusewhen you focus,change, or take deliberate actions. I knew what the prefrontal cortex was, but Iwould soon learn through my research about the basal ganglia, habit loops,activationenergy,behaviorflexibility,cognitivebiases,neuralplasticity,theprogressprinciple, and locus of control. I certainly didn’t realize I had just discovered asingulartechniquethatimpactedallofthem.

IusedtheRulethenextmorning,anditworkedagain.Andthenafunnythinghappened:Istartedtoseefive-secondmomentsalldaylong,justlikemystruggletowakeupontime.IfIstoppedto thinkaboutwhatIknewIneededtodo,Iwastoast.Ittooklessthanfivesecondsforexcusestofloodmymindandformyownbraintostopme.

AsyouusetheRule,you’llseeittoo—thereisafive-secondwindowbetweenyour initial instinct to act and your brain stopping you. Seeing the five-secondwindowchangedeverythingforme.Theproblemwasveryclear.Itwasme.Iwasholdingmyselfback,fivesecondsatatime.

SoImademyselfasimplepromise:IfIknewthatIshoulddosomethingthatcouldchangemeforthebetter,thenIwouldusetheRuletopushmyselftodoit,regardlessofhowIfelt.IstartedusingtheRuletoforcemyselftonotonlygetupearly,but also toget to thegym, look for a job,drink less, andbe abetterparent andwife.

IfIstartedtofeeltootiredtoexercise,Iwould5-4-3-2-1andpushmyselfoutthedoorforarun.

IfIstartedpouringadrinkthatIshouldn’thave,I’d5-4-3-2-1andputdownthebottleofbourbonandwalkaway.

IfIfeltmyselfbeingbitchywithChris,I’d5-4-3-2-1andcorrectmytoneandmakemyselfbekinder.

IfIcaughtmyselfprocrastinating,I’d5-4-3-2-1andsitdownandstartworkingonmyrésumé.

WhatIdiscoveredispowerful:pushingyourselftotakesimpleactionscreatesachain reaction in your confidence and your productivity. By pushing yourself totake the simple steps of moving your life forward, you create momentum andexperienceasenseoffreedomandpowerthat’shardtoaccuratelydescribe.Rachelfoundthatthe“simplestep”ofgettingupontime“startedachainofevents”thatled to her losing “30 pounds, bought my first home, and reinvigorated mymarriage.”

Rachel used theword “reinvigorated,” and that’s exactlywhat theRule does.Rebecca had the same experience. By using the Rule to 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 and pushherselftomakesmallmovesforward,she’sbreakingoutofamentaljail.Nolongertrappedbyanalysisparalysis,Rebeccafeels“FREEforthe1sttimein47years!”

There’sanimportantconceptinpsychologyputforthbyJulianRotterin1954.It’scalled“locusofcontrol.”Themorethatyoubelievethatyouareincontrolofyour life,youractionsandyourfuture, thehappierandmoresuccessfulyou’llbe.There’sonethingthatisguaranteedtoincreaseyourfeelingsofcontroloveryourlife:abiastowardaction.

Forgetmotivation; it’samyth.Idon’tknowwhenweallboughtintotheideathat in order to change you must “feel” eager or “feel” motivated to act. It’scomplete garbage. The moment it’s time to assert yourself, you will not feelmotivated.Infact,youwon’tfeellikedoinganythingatall.Ifyouwanttoimproveyourlife,you’llneedtogetoffyourrearendandkickyourownbutt.Inmyworld,Icallthatthepowerofapush.

Oneofthereasonswhythe#5SecondRuleissoempoweringisbecauseitturnsyouintothekindofpersonwhooperateswithabiastowardaction.Ifyoutendtooverthinkeverymove,you’lldiscover theenergyandconfidence to stop thinkingand actually move. Using the Rule strengthens your belief that you do have the

abilitytocontrolyourownfate—becauseyouareprovingittoyourselfonepushatatime.

Jenneyisfinallytakingcontrolofherhealth.Sherealizedthatwhenshewouldeat amealof “canned raviolis, abagof chips, and a soda…then complain aboutbeingoverweight,”shewassabotaginghereffortstoloseweight.Bycommittingto“5- 4- 3- 2- 1-HEALTHY,” Jenneywas able to use the Rule to give herself the“kickinthearse”sheneeded.

When Donna first learned the Rule at an Aveda Institute Conference shethought,“Yeah,yeahI’lluseit,butit’snotgoingtobelifechanging…”That’showIfeltabout theRule too—that I’d justuse itasa trick tobeat thesnoozealarm.Boy,wasIwrong!SowasDonna; itchangedjustabouteverythinginherlifeandbusiness.AsDonnafound,“Onlywecanholdourselvesback.It’samazingtoseehow horribly I held myself hostage out of fear and where I am today. Moreimportantly,whereIseemyselfinyearstocome.”

Asyouuse theRulemoreandmore,you’llbegin tofeelcourage,confidence,pride,andasenseofcontrol.TheRulehasthateffect.Ioftentellpeople“theRulewillhauntyou,”andImeanit—justaskDarryl.

That’s because you’ll realize you’ve been sleepwalking through life for a longtime. Something this simple, easy, and effective is also contagious. Crystal hasalreadystartedusingitwithherson:

The first person I told about theRulewasmy husband.Chris had definitelynoticedthechanges,inparticularthatmybitchydemeanorwasmeltingandthatIwasactuallybeingproactive.Itdidn’ttakemuchtoconvincehimthattherewasa“secretweapon”mentalityhewaslivingwithout.

He adopted the Rule and used it to make some major changes. He quitdrinking,startedmeditatingdaily,andexercisingeverymorning.TheRuledoesn’tmakethesethingseasy;itmakesthemhappen.That’swhyIdescribeitasatool.

Insteadofavoidingthecreditorcallsandbankruptcyletters,we5-4-3-2-1tohit it head on. I used 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to pushmyself to reach out to old coachingclientstorevupthereferralengine.Iused5-4-3-2-1topropelmyselftogoon

interviews for radiohostinggigs,despite the contract issueswithFOX.Togetherwe5-4-3-2-1topushourselvestomeetwithaccountantsandfinancialadvisorstorestructuredourdebtanddothenauseatingworktofacetheholewehaddug,andgetdisciplinedaboutslowlycrawlingourwayoutofit.

ChrisbroughttheRuleintohisbusinesstopushhimselfthroughfear,guilt,anduncertainty.He and his partnermet with dozens of advisors, crunched financialmodels,workeddayandnightuntil theyclosed thewholesalebusiness, andgrewtheirretaillocationsenablingthemtoselloffselectlocationsandpaybackasmanyinvestors and creditors that they could. It’s remarkablewhat Chris and Jonathandid.Grit,hustle,andcommitment.Theypushed,pushed,andpushedsomemore.

Tothisday,whenChrisreflectsontherestaurantdays,hismindwillsometimesdrifttowardfeelinglikeafailure.Whenhecatcheshimselfthinkingthosenegativethoughts,heuses5-4-3-2-1 to redirecthismind to thinkaboutwhat theydidbuild:sevenrestaurants,anincredibleemployeeculture,millionsinrevenue,andaremarkablebrand.Did it enduphowhehaddreamt?No, itdidn’t.Butwhathelearnedaboutbusiness,partnership,andhimselfduringtheprocessisworthmorethanmoneycanbuy.

There’s nothingmore powerful than the feeling of confidence and pride yougain when you keep trudging forward, face life’s challenges head on, and pushyourselftochangeforthebetter.AsChrisputit,“theRulehelpedmeprocesstheexperienceofsucceedingandfailing—onsomanylevels.Ultimately,thisawarenessgavemepowerandcontrolovermypositiveandnegativethoughts.”

Aswestartedtoreconnectwithfriends,theRulewouldoftencomeup.You’llfind that too. Jennifer learned the Rule and told her nurse about it.Her nurse’sresponse?“YouhavenoideahowmanytimesI’llneedtodothisaday.”

The Rule ignites something powerful in everyone who tries it. One of ourfriendshadthecouragetoaskforadivorceandanotherlefthisconsultingjobforone that didn’t require travel.Awork pal lost 73 pounds andmy uncle stoppedtalkingaboutgivingupsmokingandfinallyquit.AfriendofChris’smovedbacktoMaineandusedtheRuletonegotiateanawesomejobworkingremotely.

The #5SecondRule gave them all what it had givenme: the framework, thecourage,andthemethodforHOWtopushyourselftochange.

The first time I shared the Rule in public was in 2011 during a TEDxTalkentitled“How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over.” The funny thing is that the talk wasmostly aboutmydream (back then)ofbecoming a top talk radio showhost andhow I help people live the lives that they really want. I only mention the#5SecondRule at the very end of the speech, and I barely even explain it.Whathappenednextwascrazy.Thetalkwentviral.Millionsofpeoplewatcheditonline.Andthat’snotall.Theystartedwriting.

Everysingleday,IhearfrompeoplearoundtheworldwhoareusingtheRule,just likeMark.Mark isusing it to create somepretty incredible changes in just6months:

It’sthecoolestthing.Morethan100,000peopleinmorethan80countries,todate,havewrittentomeabouttheirexperiencesusingit.Asmoreandmorepeoplestarted to write with questions and requests for more information, I began toresearchtheRuleindepthsothatIcouldbetterexplainthemanywaysyoucanuseitandprovewhyitworks.I’malawyerbyprofession,soIreallywentnutsontheresearch.Ilookedforprecedent,evidence,andguidanceasifIweregoingtohavetoprovemycaseaboutthe#5SecondRuletoajury.

Ittookmealmostthreeyears.IreadeverythingIcouldfindonthesubjectofchange, happiness, habits,motivation, and human behavior. I read social scienceexperiments, happiness research, books on the brain, and neuroscience studies. Ididn’tlimitmyresearchtothe“experts;”Isentquestionnairestoeverydaypeople,likeyouandme,whowereusing theRule.ThenIgoton thephone,Skype,and

GoogleChat,anddugintothestep-by-stepexperiencesofwhatsomeonefacesthe

momenttheychoosetochange.

AsIdeconstructedthemomentofchange,Iuncoveredsomethingfundamentalabout how each and every one of us is wired. Right before we’re about to dosomethingthatfeelsdifficult,scaryoruncertain,wehesitate.Hesitationisthekissofdeath.Youmighthesitateforajustnanosecond,butthat’sallittakes.Thatonesmall hesitation triggers a mental system that’s designed to stop you. And ithappensinlessthan—youguessedit—fiveseconds.

Ever notice how fast fear and self-doubt take over your head and you startmakingupexcusesforwhyyoushouldn’tsaysomethingordosomething?Weholdourselvesbackinthesmallest,mostmundanemomentseveryday,andthatimpactseverything.Ifyoubreakthishabitofhesitatingandyoufindthecourageto“takesome kind of action,” you’ll be astonished by how fast your life changes. That’swhatKeithdiscoveredafterlearningtheRuleataRE/MAXconvention.Nowhe’sableto“doextraordinarythings.”

You see, it’s not the big moves that define our lives; it’s the smallest ones.Withinfivesecondsofstoppingtothink,you’llhavedecidednottotakeanyactiononthosesmallthings.Overtime,thosesmalldecisionsbuild.Andhere’sthekicker:We’ve repeated this pattern of hesitating, worrying, and doubting ourselves somuch,thattheseactionsarenowhabitsthathaveencodedinourbrains.

The fact that hesitating, holding yourself back, andoverthinking are habits isgoodnews.There’s a simple, provenway tobreakor replacebadhabits and the#5SecondRuleistheeasiestwaytodoit.Onceyoureadabouthabitloops,startingrituals,activationenergy,andtherolethatfeelingsplayintriggeringyourdecisions,you’llappreciate themagnitudeof the#5SecondRule.Asyouuse theRule,you’llseehowchangehingesonfiveseconddecisionsand justhoweasilyyoucan takebackcontrol.

TheRulewillworkeverytimeyouuseit.Butyouhavetouseit.Itisatool.Ifyoustopusing it, fearanduncertaintywillcreepback inandtakecontrolofyourdecisions.Ifthathappens,juststartusingtheRuleagain.

Asyouuse theRuleover time,you’llexperienceashift insideyourself that ismuchdeeper,atransformationthatimpactsconfidenceandinnerstrength.Youwillcomefacetofacewiththeexcuses,habits,feelings,insecurities,andfearsthathavehauntedyouforyears.Youwillseethebullshityouputyourselfthrougheverydayandhowmuchprecioustimeyouwastewaitingforthingstochange.

ByusingtheRule,thatwaitingwillend.Youwillbeabsolutelyamazedbyhowmuch joy and freedom you feel by making five-second decisions. Freedom isexactlyhowRobindescribedwhatshegetsfromusingtheRule.

And that’s what I’ve gained too—life-changing freedom. The person I wassevenyearsago ... isgone.And that’sagood thing.Everyphaseofyour lifeandcareerwillrequireadifferentyou.UsingtheRule,you’llbecomethepersonyou’remeanttobecomeinthisnextphaseofyourlife.

So,whatdoyousaywedigintothebasicsoftheRulesoyoucanstartusingit?

O

CHAPTERFOUR

WHYTHERULEWORKS

ver the years, I’ve received lots of questions about the #5SecondRule. Iwantedtostartyour introductiontousingtheRulebyansweringsomeof

themostfrequentlyaskedquestionI’vereceivedaboutthisawesometool.

WhatExactlyIsthe#5SecondRule?

The Rule is a simple, research-backed metacognition tool that createsimmediateand lastingbehaviorchange.Metacognition,by theway, is justa fancywordforanytechniquethatallowsyoutobeatyourbrain inordertoaccomplishyourgreatergoals.

HowDoIUsetheRule?

UsingtheRuleissimple.Wheneveryoufeelaninstinctfireuptoactonagoalor a commitment, or the moment you feel that yourself hesitate on doingsomethingandyouknowyoushoulddo,usetheRule.

Startbycountingbackwards toyourself:5-4-3-2-1.Thecountingwillhelpyoufocusonthegoalorcommitmentanddistractyoufromtheworries,thoughts,andfearsinyourmind.Assoonasyoureach“1,”move.That’sit.It’ssosimplebutletmehammerthishomeonemoretime.Anytimethere’ssomethingyouknowyoushould do, but you feel uncertain, afraid, or overwhelmed…just take control bycountingbackwards5-4-3-2-1.That’llquietyourmind.Then,movewhenyougetto“1.”

Counting and moving are actions. By teaching yourself to take action whennormally you’d stop yourself by thinking, you can create remarkable change.Counting backwards does a few important things simultaneously: It distracts youfromyourworries, it focuses your attentiononwhat youneed todo, itpromptsyou to act, and it interrupts the habits of hesitating, overthinking, and holdingyourselfback.

If you are wondering if the Rule works if you count forward 1- 2- 3- 4- 5,insteadofbackwards5-4-3-2-1,theanswerisno—itdoesn’t.JustaskTrent.

AsTrentdiscovered,ifyoucountup,youcankeepcounting.Whenyoucountbackwards5-4-3-2…thereisnowheretogoafteryoureach“1,”soitisaprompttomove.

WhyIsItCalledthe#5SecondRule?

I get this question a lot. And I wish I had a better answer. I called it the“#5SecondRule” because that’s the first thing that popped into my mind themorningIfirstusedit,andthisnamstuck.Remember,Ihadseenarocketlaunchthenightbeforeandthoughttomyself,“I’lljustlaunchmyselfoutofbed—likearocket!”Thenextmorning,Icountedbackwards5-4-3-2-1—becausethat’swhatNASAdoeswhenitlaunchesaspaceship.Istartedwith5fornoparticularreasonotherthanitfeltliketherightamountoftimetogivemyself.

I’vecometo learnthat therearea lotofother“5secondrules” intheworld,like the one about eating food off the floor, the five-second shot clock inbasketball,thegameEllenDeGeneresplaysonhertalkshow,andthefive-secondtestyoucandotoseeifasidewalk’ssurfaceistoohotforyourdogtowalkon.

HadIknownmyRulewouldspreadaroundtheworld,Imighthavecomeupwith a more original name. But in hindsight, all these #5SecondRules havesomething incommon.They requireyou tophysicallymovewithina five-secondwindow.

PhysicalmovementisthemostimportantpartofmyRule,too,becausewhenyoumoveyourphysiologychangesandyourmindfollows.Perhapsthenameisnotonlyapropos—it’sactuallyperfectbecauseitreferencesotherfive-secondwindowsinlife,andthatmakestheRulefeelthatmuchmorefamiliar,universal,andtrue.

TheRuleSoundsLikeNike’sTagline“JustDo

It”…

Thedifferencebetween“JustDoIt”andthe#5SecondRuleissimple.“JustDoIt” is a concept—it’swhat youneed todo.The#5SecondRule is a tool—it’showyoumakeyourselfdoit.

There’sareasonwhy“JustDoIt”isthemostfamoustaglineintheworldandresonatesacrossallcultures.Doyouknowwhatmakesthetaglinesopowerful?It’stheword“JUST.”

ThewordJUSTis intherebecauseNikerecognizessomethingwe’vetalkedalotabout in thisbook—rightbeforeweact,wefirststopandthink.“JustDoIt”acknowledgesthatwe’reallstrugglingtopushourselvestobebetteranddobetter.Weallhesitate andwrestlewithour feelingsbeforewe jump in.Theword JUSTtellsusthatwe’renotalone.Everysingleoneofushasthesesmallhesitations.

It’s themoment right before you ask to join the pick-up game that’s alreadyunderway,themomentyoucontemplatewhethertodoathirdsetofreps,orwhenyoustarttoquestionwhetheryou’llheadoutthedoorforaruninthepouringrain.

The tagline acknowledges that you have excuses and fears and Nike isencouragingyou tobebigger than them.Come on…don’t thinkabout it…JUSTDOIT.Iknowyou’retired…JUSTDOIT.Iknowyouareafraid…JUSTDOIT.

Nike’staglineispushingyoutomovepastthatdoubtandgetinthegame.Nikeknows that there’s greatness inside of you, and it’s on the other side of yourexcuses.Itresonatesprofoundlybecauseeverysingleoneofus,evenanOlympicathlete,needsaPUSH.Andthat’swherethe#5SecondRulecomesin;theRuleishow you push yourself when no coach, competitor, parent, screaming fan, orteammate is there to push you. With the Rule, you just 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to pushyourself.

IsThereaFive-SecondWindowofOpportunity

forEveryone?

Yes.Thereisawindowforeveryonebetweenthemomentyouhaveaninstinctto change and your mind killing that instinct. While your mind starts working

againstyouinnanoseconds,thebarrageofthoughtsandexcusesdon’tseemtokick

intofullforceandstopyouforafewseconds.Thefive-secondwindowseemstoworkforeveryone.

Thatsaid,byallmeansplayaroundwithittomakeitworkforyou.Personally,I notice that the longer I wait between my initial impulse to act and physicallymoving,thelouderthattheexcusesget,andtheharderitbecomestoforcemyselftomove.AsAngela found, those five-second decisions “turned into 50 secondsand then 500 seconds when the fear was deeper.” She now treats the#5SecondRuleasifherbrainwill“self-destruct”atzero:

Ifitworksforyoutoshortenorlengthenthewindow,personalizetheRuletomakeitworkforyou.

Matt,agoodfriendofmyhusbandandmyself,wastrainingforhisfirstToughMudderrace.HelivesinNewJerseyandhesentthistexttomyhusbandduringthefreezing cold winter. He had shrunk the window to three seconds because henoticedhowfasthismindwouldgotoworktostophim.

“TellyourgirlfriendMelthatthe5secondruleisworkingoverhere.Ihaveitdowntothreeseconds.Whycontemplatelife’scomplexitieswhenyoucanbemovingaheadafterjust3seconds.In5secondsIcanmakeupatleast2excusesinmymind.Inthreesecondsmymindhasalreadypushedthefirstbuttononmyphonetomovetheballahead.AsIawokethismorningImistakenlycheckedthethermometer(thattook2seconds,butinthatthirdsecondIstartedtoputonmyrightsneaker.”

That ishowthesysteminyourbrainworks—the longerthatyouthinkaboutsomething, the lower your urge to act becomes. We are amazing at foolingourselvesintostayingexactlywhereweare.Assoonasthatimpulsetoactkicksin,youstart rationalizing itaway.That’swhyyou’vegot tomovefaster—soyoucanbreakfreeofyourexcusesbeforeyourmindtrapsyou.

WhatCanIUseItFor?

Overtheyears,we’veheardthousandsofexamplesofhowpeopleareusingtheRule to improve their life, relationships,happiness, andwork.But every examplefallsintooneofthreedistinctcategoriesforhowyoucanuseit.

•YouCanUseIttoChangeYourBehavior

YoucanusetheRuletopushyourselftocreatenewhabits,pullyourselfawayfromdestructivehabits,andmastertheskillsofself-monitoringandself-controlsothatyoucanbemore intentional andeffective inyour relationshipswithyourselfandothers.

•YouCanUseIttoActwithEverydayCourage

Youcanuse theRule todiscover thecourageyouneed todo things that arenew,scary,oruncertain.TheRulewillquietyourself-doubtandbuildconfidenceasyoupushyourself topursueyourpassions,shareyour ideasatwork,volunteerforprojectsthatstretchyou,createyourart,andbecomeabetterleader.

•YouCanUseIttoControlYourMind

You can use the Rule to stop the barrage of negative thoughts and endlessworriesthatweighyoudown.Youcanalsobreakthehabitofanxietyandbeatanyfear.Whenyoutakecontrolofyourmind,you’llbeabletothinkaboutthingsthat

bringyoujoyinsteadoffocusingonthenegative.Andthat, inmyopinion, isthe

mostpowerfulwaytousetheRule.

WhyDoesSomethingSoSimpleWork?

TheRuleworksbecauseitissosimple.Thereareallkindsoftrickywaysyourbrainkillsyoururgetoact.Someofmymostfavoriteresearchers,professors,andthinkershavewrittenbestsellers anddeliveredepicTEDTalksdetailinghowourown minds betray us with a seemingly endless list of tricks including cognitivebiases,theparadoxofchoice,thepsychological immunesystem,andthespotlighteffect.Whatallthesegreatresearchershavetaughtmeisthatthemomentyouwanttochange,breakahabit,ordosomethinghardorscary,yourbraingoestoworktostopyou.

Basically,yourmindtricksyouintothinkingthingsthrough.Andthemomentyougettrickedintodoingthis,you’llgettrappedbyyourthoughts.Yourmindhasamillionwaystotalkyououtofacting.That’stheneurologicalreasonwhyit’ssohardtochange.AsImentionedinChapterOne,changerequiresyoutodothingsthat are uncertain, scary, or new.Yourbrain, bydesign,will not let youdo suchthings.Yourbrainisafraidofthingsthatfeeluncertain,scary,ornew,soitwilldowhateveritcantotalkyououtofdoingthosethings.Itispartofyourhard-wiring,andthishesitationhappensreally fast.That iswhyyouhavetoactevenfaster tobeatit.

TheRuleleveragesandisanexampleofsomepowerfulandprovenprinciplesinmodernpsychology: a bias toward action, internal locus of control, behavioralflexibility, the progress principle, starting rituals, the Golden Rule of Habits,authentic pride, deliberate action, “If-Then planning,” and activation energy.Throughout this book, you’ll learn more about these principles as we go intogreaterdetailabouthowyoucanusetheRuleinspecificareasofyourlife.

HowCanOneRuleWorkOnSoManyAreasof

MyLife?

The#5SecondRuleactuallyonlyworksononething—you.Youstopyourselffrom changing the exact same way every single time—you hesitate, then youoverthink,andyoulockyourselfinmentaljail.

Thatmomentofhesitation is a killer.Hesitation sends a stress signal to yourbrain. It’s a red flag that signals something’swrong—andyourbrain is goes intoprotectionmode.Thisishowwearewiredtofail.Thinkaboutthisforaminute.

Youdon’thesitateall time.Forexample,youdon’thesitatewhenyoupouracupofcoffeeinthemorning.Youdon’thesitatewhenyouputonyourjeans.Youdon’thesitatewhenyouturnonthetelevision.Youdon’thesitatetocallyourbestfriend.Youdon’tthinkatall.Youjusthavetheinstincttocallyourfriend,andyoupickupthephone,andyoucallthem.Butwhenyouhesitatejustbeforemakingasalescallortextingsomeoneback,itmakesyourbrainthinkthatsomethingmustbewrong.Thelongeryouthinkaboutthatsalescall,thelesslikelyyou’llmakeit.

Mostofusdon’tevenrealizehowoftenwehesitatebecausewe’vedoneitsooftenthatit’sbecomeahabit.Here’showTimdescribeditafterusingtheRule:

“Honestly,IthinktheRuleispowerfulsimplybecausekeepingitonthetipofyourthoughtsallowsyoutoprocessandstartonactivitiesyouwouldnormallyglossoverandignore.Ialsokeepsaying,“Whatthehell,I’mleaningintothis.”So,it is powerful because it helps you break the formally embedded thought patterns about doing things and allows (meanyway)tosafely ‘goforit’.Seriously,whywasIafraidofdoingsomeofthethingsIamnowdoing?Itwasnever likeanythingIdidordidn’tdowasgoingtoendtheworld.”

Butwhatyouwillsoonlearnisthatmomentofhesitationcanalsobeusedtoyouradvantage.Everytimeyoucatchyourselfhesitating,itisapushmoment!Thefive-second window is opened and it is time to 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 to push yourselfforwardandbebiggerthanyourexcuses.

Seeing the5-4-3-2-1countdowncanserveasavividreminderof theRuleanditsimportance.Arthungthenumbersonhisofficewalltokeephimmotivatedandmovingforwardalldayatwork:

CantheRuleCreateLastingBehaviorChange

Too?

TheRulewillbeatthebrain’soperatingsystemtohelpyouwinthebattlewithresistanceinthemoment.Butdoyouknowwhatelse?Overtime,asyourepeattheRule,youdestroythatsystemalltogether.Onethingmostofusdon’trealizeisthatpatternsofthinkinglikeworrying,self-doubt,andfeararealljusthabits—andyourepeat these thought patterns without even realizing it. If everything you do tosabotageyourhappinessisahabit,thatmeansyoucanfollowthelatestresearchtobreakthehabitsof:

WaitingDoubting

HoldingbackStayingsilentFeelinginsecureAvoiding

WorryOverthinking

Thereisa“GoldenRuleofHabits”anditisverysimple:Inordertochangeanybadhabit,youmustreplacethebehaviorpatternthatyourepeat.Iwillexplainthisin detail in Part 4 of the book. I’ll teach you how to end the mental habits ofworrying,anxiety,panic,andfearusingthe#5SecondRuleincombinationwithallthelatestresearch.

For now, what you need to know is this—the #5SecondRule and itscountdowntrick,5-4-3-2-1-GO,willbecomeyournewbehaviorpattern.Insteadofholdingback,you’ll5-4-3-2-1topushforward.Thecountdownisalsowhatresearcherscalla“startingritual.”Startingritualsinterruptyourbaddefaultpatternsandtriggernew,positivepatterns.

IfyoumastertheRuleyouwillreprogramyourmind.Youwill teachyourselfnewbehaviorpatterns.Insteadofdefaultingtoworry,hesitation,andfear,youwillfindyourself automatically actingwithcourage.Over time, as you takemore andmore steps forward, you’ll discover something else—real confidence andpride inyourself.Theauthentickindthatcomeswhenyouhonoryourgoalsandaccomplishsmallwinsthatareimportanttoyou.

Everythingthatyouthinkmightbesetinstone,includingyourhabits,mindset,and personality are flexible. The implications of this for your life are absolutelythrilling.Youcanchangeyour“default”mentalsettingsandyourhabitsonefive-seconddecisionatatime.Thosesmalldecisionsadduptomajorchangesinwhoyouare,whatyoufeel,andhowyoulive.

Changeyourdecisionsandyou’llchangeyourlife.Andwhatwillchangeyourdecisionsmorethananything?Courage.

Ifyouhavethecouragetostart,youhavethecouragetosucceed.

PART2

THEPOWEROFCOURAGE

B

CHAPTERFIVE

EVERYDAYCOURAGE

efore I discovered the #5SecondRule, if you had asked me to give youexamplesofcourage,Iwouldhavegivenyoualistofhistorymakers.Iwould

neverhavesaidthatcourageiswhatittakessomedaystogetoutofbed,speaktoyourboss,pickupthephone,orsteponascale.Iwouldhavetoldyouthatcourageisawordusedtodescribeactsofhugebravery.

Courageous people, in my view, were the Nobel Prize winners MalalaYousafzai,LeymahGbowee,theDalaiLama,AungSanSuuKyi,NelsonMandela,and Elie Wiesel. I would have thought about Winston Churchill and BritainstandinguptofightagainstNaziGermany,RosaParksstandingupforherrightto

keepherseatonthebus,andMuhammadAlisteadfastinhisreligiousbeliefsand

refusing to fight inVietnam. Iwould have been reminded ofHelenKeller,whotriumphedoverherowndisabilities toadvance therightsofothers;ofSirErnestShackleton,whoovercameshockingoddstorescuethecrewoftheEndurance;orofGalileo,whochallengedtheOrthodoxChurchtoadvancescience.

But after using the Rule for seven years and hearing from so many peoplearoundtheworld,Ihavelearnedaveryimportantcertainty:Everydaylifeisfullofmoments that are scary, uncertain, and difficult. Facing these moments andunlockingtheopportunity,magic,andjoyinyourliferequirestremendouscourage.

Courageispreciselywhatthe#5SecondRulegivesyou.TheRulegaveJosethecouragetobelieveinhisvalueandaskforaraise.

Onceheaskedforoneandgotit,andtherewasasurprisewaitinginhisnextpaycheck—abiggerone.

TheRulegaveBrycethecouragetoputtwoyearsintowritingandpublishingacookbook. And he didn’t stop there. He got Barnes andNoble to host a booksigning.AsBryceputsit,“youcanachieveanythingthatyouarepassionateaboutandarewillingtoworkfor.”

What’sevencooler?Brycewasonly15atthetime!

TheRulehelpedMartinpushthroughnineyearsof“oneexcuseafteranother”and slamming“on thosebrakeshard” togoback to school andpursuea secondmaster’sdegreethatwillgivehimamorefulfillingcareer.

Juanitalearnedtolistentoherinnerwisdom.Insteadof“thinking”aboutajobsearch and a company her friend recommended, she picked up the phone andcalled“rightnow”—andguesswhatshegot?Exactlywhatshepushedherselftogoandget—adreamjob.

Learningaboutthe#5SecondRulewasaturningpointforGabe.Afterrealizing“that Iwas responsible for everything that happened inmy life,”Gabe used theRule to changehis lifeby startinghisownVirtualReality company.Today,he iscreatingthecareerofhisdreams.

Kristin’slifehasbeenforeverchangedbecauseherboyfriendnowhasawaytobattlehisdrugaddiction.Wheneverhefeelsthedesiretogo“backtooneofthosedrugs,”heuses the#5SecondRuletofighthisaddictionandretrainhismind.Hecountsbackwards5-4-3-2-1tohimselftotriggernewbehaviorand“hismindsetcompletelychangesandhegoesabouthisday.”

Courageis,infact,whatIneededtogetoutofbed.Itwasscarytogetoutofbed because itmeant facingmy problems. It was difficult to lookmyself in themirrorandaccept the fact that Iwas41yearsoldandmy lifeandcareerwere inprettylousyshape.ItwasoverwhelmingtoconsiderImightnotbeabletofixthesituationmyhusbandandIwerein.

Courage iswhatmydaughter needs to put down the pen in her high schoolhistoryclassandraiseherhand.It’swhatyourteamneedstoescalateitsconcernstoyouandit’swhatyourkidsneedtotellyouwhat’sreallygoingon.Puttingyour

onlineprofileuponadatingsiteorblockingyourexonyourphonecanfeellikean

actofbravery.Socanadoptingnewtechnologyforyourbusinessorwalkinginthedoorofyourhomeandfacingyourproblemshead-on insteadofpouringadrinkandzoningoutinfrontoftheTV.

AsIbegantowritethisbookandstartedcollectingstoriesofpeoplearoundtheworld using the Rule, it became clear that inside every decision there exist fivesecondsofcouragethatcanchangeeverythinginourlives.

Themore theword“courage”cameup, themoreIbegan towonder if therewassomethingaboutoneofthemosthistoricmomentsofcouragethatwouldhelpme better understand the nature of courage itself. The first person that came tomindwasRosaParks.YouprobablyknowthestoryofhowRosaParkssparkedthemodernAmericanCivilRightsMovementon a chillyDecember evening in 1955whenshequietlyrefusedtogiveupherseatonthebusforawhitepassenger.

Hermomentofcourageteachesusall that it’snotthebigmovesthatchangeeverything—it’sthesmallestonesinyoureverydaylifethatdo.Shedidn’tplantodowhatshedidthatnight.Mrs.Parksdescribedherselfasthekindofpersonwhotried to “be as careful as possible to stay out of trouble.” The only thing sheplannedondoingthateveningwastogethomeafteralongdayatworkandhavedinnerwithherhusband.Itwasjustanevening,likeanyotherevening—untilonedecisionchangedeverything.

Curious,IduginandresearchedeverythingIcouldfindaboutMrs.Parks,fromtheNationalArchives,biographies,radiointerviews,andnewspaperarticles.WhatIfoundisincredible.Justweeksafterherarrest,shegavearadiointerviewtoSidneyRogersonPacificaRadioandtheNationalArchiveswebsitehasarecordingofit.Here’showshedescribedthathistoricmomentinherownwords:

Asthebusproceededoutoftownonthethirdstop,thewhitepassengershadfilledthefrontofthebus.WhenIgotonthebus,therearwasfilledwithcoloredpassengers,andtheywerebeginningtostand.TheseatIoccupiedwasthefirstofthe

seatswheretheNegropassengers,uh,takeasthey—onthisroute.Thedrivernotedthatthefrontofthebuswasfilledwithwhitepassengers,andtherewouldbetwoorthreemenstanding.

Helookedbackand…demandedtheseatsthatwewereoccupying.Theotherpassengersveryreluctantlygaveuptheirseats.ButIrefusedtodoso…ThedriversaidthatifIrefusedtoleavetheseat,hewouldhavetocallthepolice.AndItoldhim,“Justcallthepolice.”

Thentheradiointervieweraskedherthemillion-dollarquestion:

“WhatintheworldevermadeyoudecidetobethepersonwhoafteralltheseyearsofJimCroweandsegregation,whatmadeyouatthatparticularmomentdecideyouweregoingtokeepthatseat?”

Sherepliedverysimply,

“IfeltthatIwasnotbeingtreatedrightandthatIhadarighttoretaintheseatthatIhadtakenasapassengeronthatbus.”

Hepressedheragainnotingthatshehadbeenmistreatedforyears,andwantedtoknowwhatmadeherdecide in thatmoment—andinthe interview,shepausedforasecondandthensaid:

“ThetimehadjustcomethatIhadbeenpushedasfarasIstandtobepushed,Isuppose.”

Heaskedherifsheplannedit—andshesaid,

“No.”

He asked her if it just sort of happened. She agreed that it “just sort ofhappened.”

Thisisacriticaldetail:RosaParksdidn’thesitateorthinkitthrough.Ithappenedsofast,shejustlistenedtoherinstinctstellingher“Iwasnotbeingtreatedright,”andshepushedherselftofollowthem.

Sinceshedidn’thesitate,therewasnotimetotalkherselfoutofit.

Coincidentally,fourdays later, inthatsamecityofMontgomery,Alabama,onDecember 5, 1955, there was another five-second decision that changed history.

TheMontgomeryImprovementAssociationwasformedinresponsetoMrs.Parks’arrestanda26-year-oldblackpreacherwasvotedbyhispeerstoleadthe381-daybusboycott that ensued.Onbeingnominated to lead theboycott thatnight, theyoungpreacherwouldlaterwrite:

“IthappenedsoquicklythatIdidnothavetimetothinkitthrough.ItisprobablethatifIhad,Iwouldhavedeclinedthenomination.”

Thank goodness he didn’t think it through. He would become one of thegreatestcivilrightsleadersofalltime.HisnamewasDr.MartinLutherKingJr.

Dr.Kingwaspushedintothespotlightbyhispeers.Rosapushedherself.Theybothexperiencedthepowerofapush.It’samomentwhenyourinstincts,values,andgoalsalign,andyoumovesoquicklyyoudon’thavetimeoravalidreasontostopyourself.

Yourheartspeaksandyoudon’tthink,youlistentowhatyourhearttellsyoutodo.Greatnessisnotapersonalitytrait.It’sinsideallofusandsometimesit’shardforustoseeit.Mrs.Parkswasdescribedbyallwhoknewherasquietandshy,andDr.Kingfamouslystruggledwithself-doubtandfearinthebeginningdaysoftheCivilRightsmovement.

Reflectingbackontheradiothatnightin1956,Mrs.Parkssaid,“Ihadn’tthoughtIwouldbe theperson todo this, ithadn’toccurred tome.”Itprobablyhasn’toccurredtoyoueitherwhatgreatthingsyoumightbecapableofachievingatworkandinyourlifetime.Her example shows us thatwe are allmore than capable of finding thecourageto“actoutofcharacter”whenthemomentmatters.

It is true, asRosaParksexplainedonair in that1956 interview, that shewaspushed“asfarasIcouldstandtobepushed”byasystemofdiscrimination.Butinthatsingular moment, she was pushed forward by something way more powerful:herself.

That’swhatcourageis.It’sapush.Thekindofpushwegiveourselveswhenwestand up, speak up, showup, go first, raise our hand or dowhatever feels hard,scary,oruncertain.Donot lookatourheroes inhistory,business,art,andmusicandassumethatsomehowtheyaredifferentthanyou.It’snottrue.

Courage isabirthright. It is insideeachandeveryoneofus.Youwereborn with it and you can tap into it anytime you want. It’s not a matter ofconfidence, education, status, personality, or profession. It’s simply a matter ofknowinghowtofinditwhenyouneedit.Andwhenyouneedit,you’llprobablybealone.

It’sgoingtobejustyousittinginameetingatwork,standinginyourkitchen,riding the subway, looking at your phone, staring at your computer, or thinkingaboutsomething—andallofsudden,itwillhappen.Somethingwillgodown,andyour instincts will come alive. You’ll have an urge to act. Your values and yourinstinctswilltellyouwhatyoushoulddo.Andyourfeelingswillscream“NO.”Thatisthepushmoment.Youdon’thavetohavealltheanswers.Youjusthavetomakeadecisioninthenextfiveseconds.

Danisaloneathiscomputerthinkingaboutregisteringforsummerclasses.Hewants to earn his college degree but at the age of 44, the idea of starting as afreshmanisnothingshortofterrifying.

CourageiswhatChristineneedsasshe’ssittinginamarketingmeetinginPlano,Texas.Shehasagreatideatosharebutwonders,Isthisgoingtosoundstupid?

Tom is standing in a bar inChicago.Themoment he sees her he can’t lookaway.He can either turn back toward his friends and pretend to care about thefootballgamethey’rediscussing,orfindthecouragetostartwalkingtowardher.

TheentiresalesorganizationofafinancialsoftwarecompanyfeelsdiscouragedinNashville.They’vehit their numbers three years in a row, andquotas just got

raisedyetagain.

Alice in England needs to push herself out the door to go on a run. She’sinspiredbyherfriendonFacebook,butfeelsdiscouragedbyhowlongit’sbeensinceshelastexercised.

Halfwayaroundtheworld,Patelcan’tstopthinkingaboutafriendwhosesonjustdiedinacaraccident.Hedoesn’tknowwhattosay,andthethoughtoflosinghisownsonterrifieshim.Hetellshimself,ItwillbeeasierifIwaitafewdays,buttheurgetopickupthephone,stopbythehouse…todosomethinglingers.

InChina,Syhasjustsignedonasadistributorforanewskincareline.Shehasat leastadozenpeopleshewants tocall.She looksatherphoneandhesitates—whatiftheythinkI’mbeingpushy?

InQueensland,Australia,Toddknowsexactlywhathewantstodowithhislife,andit isn’tstudyinglaw,it’sphysicaleducation.ButbeforeToddcantakecontrolofhisfuture,he’llneedtofacehisparents’disappointment.

AndMarkislyinginbedinAuckland,Australia,whereit’s10:30p.m.Heturnsandlooksathiswifeasshereadsherbook.Hewouldlovetomakelovetoher,butheassumesshe’snotinthemood;hewantstoleanoverandkisshershoulderbuthe fears rejection. He needs courage to lean toward her after so many months offeelinglikeherroommate.

Thesestoriesarerealandtheyarejustthetipoftheiceberg.Theyhighlightthestrugglebetweenourdesiretochangeourlivesandourfearofit.Theyalsorevealthepowerthateverydaycouragehastotransformeverything.

SethGodin once wrote “a different part of our brains is activated whenwethinkaboutwhat’spossibleratherthanwhat’srequired.”Ibelievethesameistruewhenwethinkaboutbeingcourageous,ratherthanfocusingonthefearsthatstop

us. It’s thedifferencebetween focusingon the solution rather than theproblem,

andthattinyswitchismentallyliberating.

There’s something powerful about framing my struggle to get out of bed,Patel’sstruggletocallhisfriend,asalesorganization’sstruggletoembraceahighersalesgoal,andAlice’sstruggletoexerciseasactsofeverydaycourage.

Afterall,courageisjustapush.

Whenyoupushyourself, youmaynotchange theworld, the laws,or sparkacivil rights movement but I can guarantee you’ll change something equally asimportant—you’llchangeyourself.

ThereisonlyoneYOU.

Andtherewillneverbeanotherone.

That’syourpower.

T

CHAPTERSIX

WHATAREYOUWAITINGFOR?

om is celebrating a new piece of business with his colleagues at Stetson’sSteakhouse inside the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Chicago. He is

crushinghisquotafortheyearandthewintodaywillputtheterritoryhemanagesahead on the leaderboard. Fourmonths ago, he threw himself into his job at afinancialtechcompanyafterhiswifemovedout.It’sbeenawelcomedistractionashetriestopickupthepiecesofhispersonallife.Heturnstowardthebartendertoorderanotherround,andthat’swhenheseesher.

She’sstandingjustacrossthebar,laughingwithherfriends.There’ssomethingabouther.He can’t quite put his fingeron it.He thinks aboutwalkingover andtalkingtoher,buthehesitates.Hestartstowonderifit’stoosoontoputhimselfoutthere.Hebeginstofeeluncertain:Wouldawomanthathotgoforaguywithtwokids?

Tomhasadecisiontomakeandhe’llmakeitinthenextfiveseconds.

Intheamountoftimeittakestostartwalkingacrossabar,Tomcouldstarttorebuildhislife.Intheamountoftimeittakestoraiseyourhandinameeting,youcanchangehowyouareperceivedatwork.Intheamountoftimeittakestoopenyourmouthandcomplimentsomeone,youcouldbrightensomeone’sday.Andifyoudon’t,themomentwillpass, likeitdidforBlakeandnowshewantsto“kickmyself.”

Whateverreasonyouusetoholdyourselfback—youarewrong.It’snotsafertostayquiet. It’snotbetter tokeepthepeace. It’snot futile to try. It’snot risky.Youarewrong.Allyourexcusesandreasonsarewrong.Thereisno“righttime”toimproveyourlife.Themomentyoumoveyou’lldiscoveryourstrength.That’sthewaytobringtheREALyoutothetable—bypushingtherealyououtofyourheadandintotheworld.Andthebesttimetodoit, isrightnowwhenyourhearttellsyoutomove.

We waste so much of our lives waiting for the right time to have theconversation, ask for the raise, bring it up,or start things. It remindsmeof that

famousWayneGretzkyquote:“Youmiss100%oftheshotsyoudon’ttake.”Here’sthething—youneverregrettheshotsyoudotakebutyoualwaysregretholdingback.Anthonyrealizedthisthehardway:

Lifeisalreadyhard,yetwemakeitsomuchharderwhenwelistentoourfears,weconvinceourselvestowait,andweholdourgreatestselvesback.Wealldoit.And not just in bars. We hold ourselves back at work, at home, and in ourrelationships.

Thequestionis,whydowedothis?Theanswerisbrutal.Youcancallitafearof rejection, or a fear of failure, or a fear of lookingbad.The reality is,wehidebecauseweareafraideventotry.

IhadaconversationafewmonthsagowithmydaughterKendallthatillustratesjust how deadly this waiting game can be to your dreams. To give you somebackground,Kendall is fifteen and a very talented singer. From themoment shewakesupuntilthemomentshegoestobed,she’ssinging.

Recently, one of her mentors recommended her for an audition with thedirectors of a musical in New York City. He had placed kids on tour withLesMisérables,MaryPoppins,andMatilda.HethoughtKendallhadaverygoodchanceoflandingarole.

The second the topic came up, she said she “wanted to audition” but neverwrotehermentorbackaboutit.Iaskedherwhyshewaswaiting.Itwasfascinatingandheartbreaking tohearhowher thoughtsand feelingshad trappedher.Funnyenough,shewasn’tafraidoftheauditionitself.Atleastnotwhenshethoughtaboutit.Itwaseverythingthatmighthappenaftertheaudition.

She said that she didn’t want to try out because, “What if I didn’t make it,Mom?WhatifIamnotasgoodasIthinkIam?IfIdon’taudition,atleastIcantellmyselfthatI’mamazing—I’mjusttoolazytohavewhatIwant.”

Now we were getting somewhere. The fear of sucking, of not being goodenough,offeelinglikealoser—noneofuswantstofacethatreality.Soweavoiditliketheplague.Iactuallydoitwithexercise.IcanpretendI’mindecentshapeaslongasIavoidit.ThemomentIhitthegymIhavetofacereality.Andtherealityisthatwithintwominutesofrunningonatreadmill,IhavetogothebathroomandI’moutofbreath.I’mnotingreatshapeatall.Ihavealotofworktodo.That’swhywe dodge challenges—to protect our egos, even if itmeans eliminating thepossibilityofgettingwhatwewant.

IlistenedtoKendalltalkaboutherfearthatshewasn’tgoodenough,andthenaskedheronesimplequestion:

“WhatIfYou’reWrong?”

It’s a powerful question, and we don’t ask it nearly enough. What if you’rewrong?Whatifyouauditionandyoureallyareasgoodaseveryonesays?Whatifyour idea actually is the nextmillion-dollar business?What if you not onlymeetyourquotaagainthisyear,butyoualsoactuallysurpassit?Whatifbeingsingleisn’tasscaryasyouthinkandyourtruesoulmateisjustdaysawayfrombumpinginto

you?Areyoureallygoingtoletyourworriesstopyoufromdoingthework,havingthelovelife,andbeingyourgreatestself?Youdamnwellbetternot.

Andevenifyoudosuck—there’sanotherthingyoucansaytoyourself:

SoWhat!?

Sowhatifyousuck?Atleastyoutried.AsfarasI’mconcernedlandingtheroleis irrelevant.Just likethewomanTomsawatthebar is irrelevant.Theonlythingrelevantisyou.Thepower is insideofyou.Theonlywayyouaccess thatpower ispushingyourselftotry.Thegreatestyoushowsupattheaudition,walksuptothegalorguyatthebar,andraisestheirhandandtheirvoiceatwork.

You’llneverstopyourselffromstartingtoworryaboutsomething.Butyoucanstopyourselffromlettingthoseworriesdragyouintoaparadeofworriesthattakecontrol of yourmind. You can assert yourself and push yourself to think aboutsomethingempowering.Youstepback intothepresentmomentandgoforwhatyouwant.Andyoucandoitinfivesecondsflat.

Weareallguiltyofthinkingaboutgetting involvedbutnotdoing it.We’reallwaiting “for the right time.” It’s total stupidity. In a recent survey, 85% ofprofessional services employees admitted theywere withholding critical feedbackfrom their bosses.Why? You already know the answer—they’re waiting for the“right time.”The same is true for yourkids, your spouse, your friends, andyourcolleagues.

All human beings are wired this way. One of the most insightful andenlighteningaspectsofAdamGrant’sincrediblebookOriginals:HowNon-ConformistsMovetheWorldiswhenhedescribeshowsomeourgreatestheroesarejustlikeusinthis simple regard: they hesitated, doubted themselves, and almost missed theopportunitiesoftheirlifetimesbecausetheydidn’tfeelready.Ifinditreassuringto

know that the peoplewe admiremost needed to be pushed through their fears,

excuses,andfeelings,justlikeyouandme.

You knowMichelangelo, the artistwho painted the SistineChapel inRome?There’sabackstoryyoumightnotknow.AccordingtoGrant,whenthePopeaskedMichelangelotopainttheSistineChapelin1506,Michelangelofeltsooverwhelmedwithself-doubtthathenotonlywantedtowait,buthealsoactuallyfledtoFlorenceandhid.ThePopehadtostalkMichelangeloandpesterhimfor twoyears togethimtoagreetopaintit.

Wanttohearanotherone?HowaboutonerelatedtoApple?In1977,whenaninvestorofferedSteveJobsandSteveWozniakfundingtolaunchApple,Wozniakfeltsoafraidanduncertainhewantedto“waitawhile”beforehequithisjob.Hedidn’tfeelready.Hewaspushedby“Jobs,multiplefriends,andhisownparents”tomaketheleap.

Remember the stories in the last chapter about Dr. Martin Luther King Jradmitting he would have declined the nomination to lead the MontgomeryImprovementAssociation“hadhethoughtitthrough”?OrRosaParks’admissionthatsheneverthought“shewouldbetheonetodothis”?Inthemoment,neitheroneofthemstoppedtothink.Theydidn’twaittofeelready.That’swhatweallneedtodo.Weareallcapableofgreatness.Ibelievethat.Itisourfeelingsandfearsthatconvinceusnowisnottherighttimeandkeepusfromachievinggreatness.

Grantthenwritesthis lineinhisbook,whichmademyheartfeelheavy:“Wecanonly imaginehowmanyWozniaks,Michelangelos, andKingsnever pursued,publicized, or promoted their original ideas because they were not dragged orcatapultedintothespotlight.”Thequestiontoaskyourselfisthisone:

WhatAreYouWaitingFor?

Are youwaiting for someone to ask you,drag you,pick you,or catapult youintothespotlight,orareyouwillingtofindthecouragetopushyourself?Areyouwaiting to feel ready? Waiting for the right time. Waiting to gain confidence.Waiting to feel like it. Waiting to feel worthy. Waiting until you have moreexperience.

Sometimes there is no next time, no second chance, or no time out. Stopwaiting. It’s now or never. When you wait, you aren’t procrastinating. You aredoingsomethingmoredangerous.Youaredeliberatelyconvincingyourself“nowisnotthetime.”Youareactivelyworkingagainstyourdreams.

Paulacouldhaveconvincedherself thatshewould“neverqualify”foragreatjobopportunity.Shewouldhavebeenverywrong.

IjustappliedforajobIneverthoughtIwouldqualifyforbecauseIfigured,“whynotjusttryit?”Ididn’tfocusonmyshortcomingsbutemphasizedmyqualitiesandgotthejob.PreviouslyIwouldhaveforgottenaboutitafter5secondsandnoteventriedbytheway;–)

–Paula

By“emphasizingherqualities”insteadoffocusingonhershortcomings,Paulawasabletopushpastherfearsandlandthejob.

Youmaythinkyou’reprotectingyourselffromjudgment,rejection,orupsettingsomeone, but when you make excuses and talk yourself into waiting, you arelimiting your ability tomake your dreams come true. I’m amazed by howmuchtimeI’vewastedinmylifewaitingfortherighttime,waitinguntilI’msure,waitinguntilIthinkmyworkisperfect,orwaitinguntilIfeellikeit.

Youmaybeafraidoffindingoutthatyousuck,likemydaughterwas.Letmetell youwhat really sucks: being older and regretting that you never went for it.Being30andrealizingyouletfearofwhatyourfriendsthoughtkeepyoufromeverreallyputtingyourselfouttherewhenyouwereyounger.Friends,bytheway,whoyounevertalktoanymore.Being56andrealizingyoushouldhavedivorcedyour

spousetenyearsago.Being45andwishingyouhadhadthecouragetotakeonaproject at work that you now realize would have changed the trajectory of yourcareer.Or sitting in college classes earning a degree to please your parentswhenknowinginyourheartthatyouwanttobedoingsomethingelsewithyourlife.

Thereisnorighttime.Thereisonlyrightnow.Yougetonelife.Thisisit.Andit’snotgoingtobeginagain.It’suptoyoutopushyourselftomakethemostofitandthetimetodoitisrightnow.

YouValidateYourIdeasByPursuingThem

It’sheartbreakingtohearfromsomanyofyouwithacreativeideaorproductconceptthatarewaitingforsomeoneelsetovalidateit.It’ssosadbecausewaitingforvalidationwillbethedeathofyourdreams.Ifyouhaveanideaforashoworabook,andyouarewaitingforanexecutiveataTVnetworkorapublishinghousetopickyou,youwilllose.It’slikeTominthebarhopinghissoulmatewilljustwalkuptohimandpickhim.OrmewaitinguntilIfeltmotivatedtowakeupandgetoutofbed.Waitinguntilyouarereadywillnotmakeithappen.Theworlddoesn’tworkthatway.

Theworldrewardsthosewhoarecourageousenoughtostopwaitingandstart.Ifyoudreamofbeingontelevision,Icantellyoufromfirst-handexperiencethattheTVexecutiveyouhopediscoversyouisactuallyonYouTuberightnowlookingforsomeonewhodidn’twait.Thepersonwhohasthecouragetostart,create,andputthemselvesandtheirideasoutthereistheonewhowillwin.

TheonlydifferencebetweenthatideaforanovelyouwanttowriteandBritishauthorE.L.JameswhowrotetheblockbusterFiftyShadesofGray trilogy (thatwasdevouredbynearlyeverywomanontheplanetEarthandsoldamillioncopiesinfourdays) isthefactthatshedidn’twaitforpermission,therighttime,ortofeel

ready.Shedidn’twaituntilshehadabookdeal.Infact,shestartedwritingeroticaonaTwilight-themedblog!Shefoundthecouragetostart insmallways,andputherselfoutthereoverandoveruntilshebuilttheconfidencetowriteabook.AndFifty Shades ofGraywas that book. Itwas self-published by aworkingmomwhowroteinherfreetime.Yup.

Bytheway,that’salsohowGrammyaward-winningmusicianEdSheerangotdiscovered.Hewas15yearsoldplayingsongsinaparkinEnglandwithnopermitand no guarantee that anyone would notice. That’s how you do it. You pushyourselftogetoutofyourcomfortzoneandyoubegin.Thereisnootherway.Youstopwaiting for “the right time” and you start. That’s how award-winningBroadCity landed itshitshowonComedyCentral.Theyactedwithcourageandstartedfilming3-minuteclipsonaniPhoneandpostingthemonYouTube.

And every single YouTube star, from Tyler Oakley, to make-up tutorialphenomMichellePhan, to“MyDrunkKitchen”hostHannahHart, toMinecraftnarrator“StampyCat,”will tell you that if theyhad told themselves towaituntilthey felt readyoruntil theyhadasponsor, theywouldstillbe livingaboring lifeinsteadcreatingalifeoftheirdreamsandlaughingallthewaytothebank.

Waiting, thinking, and “almost doing it” don’t count. As Kyra explains, tochangeanythingyouactuallyhavetodoit.#AlmostDoesntCount

Thedifferencebetweenpeoplewhomaketheirdreamscometrueandthoseofuswhodon’tisjustonething:thecouragetostartandthedisciplinetokeepgoing.TheRule isagame-changerbecause it5-4-3-2-1forcesyoutogetoutofyourheadandstartandit’ll5-4-3-2-1helpyoukeepgoing.

And thatbringsusback toTomat thebar in theHyattRegency inChicago.Willhestartwalkingtowardthegirlacrosstheroomordecidetowait?Well…thatdepends.ItdependsonwhoismakingthedecisionforTom.WillitbeTom’sheartthatmakesthedecisionorhishead?WillitbeTom’sdreamsthatwinorwillitbehisfears?RosaParksofferssomeamazingadviceformomentslikethisone—Tomneedstodowhat“mustbedone.”Tomknows inhisheartwhatmustbedone.Heneedstostartlivingagain.

Waitingwon’thelp.Waitingwillonlymakeitworse.Whenyousitwithfearanduncertaintyyourmindmakesitexpand;it’scalled“thespotlighteffect”andit’soneofthemanytricksyourbrainplaysinanattempttokeepyou“safe.”

The fear Tom feels is real. The uncertainty is scary. The self-doubt can becrippling.Noonewantstoberejectedorfeellikeafool.Noonewantstofindoutthatthey“suck.”

That’s why themoment right before you walk into a networkingmeeting, aparty,aninterview,acafeteria,orstartwalkingtowardsomeoneyoufindattractive,itcanfeeldaunting.Wethinkaboutwhatcouldgowrongorhowawkwarditwillfeelifnoonewelcomesus,insteadofallthepossibilities.

But safety isn’twhatTomwants.Tomwants to rebuildhis life and find loveagainandthat’sgoingtotakecourage.Asscaryasitistakingthatfirststeptotheothersideofthebar,Tomisabouttodiscoverthatallthemagic,wonder,andjoyinlifehappensthemomenthedoes.

Youcanfeeluncertainandbeready.Youcanbeafraidanddoitanyway.Youcanfearrejectionandstillgoforit.

FiveSecondsofCourageChangesEverything

Tomstartscountingtohimself,“5-4-3-…”andbythetimehegetsto2,hestartswalkingacross the room.Hehasno ideawhathe’ll say toher.Hisheart isracing,butforthefirsttimeinalongtimehedoesn’tfeelnumb,hefeelsalive.Thecloserhegetstoher,themorehisheartraces.Sheturnsaroundjustashereachesher.Whathappensnextis…irrelevant.

Itdoesn’tmatterwhathappensbecausesheeitherbecomeshissoulmateorshedoesn’t. The ending of the story is irrelevant—the only thing that matters is thebeginningofthestory, thatTommadeachoicetobegin livingagain.That’showyoulistentoyourheart.Whetheryouarestartingtodateagain,startingacompany,orstartingaYouTubechannel,youmustfindthecouragetostart.

NoticehowwedesperatelywantanassurancethatTom“gotthegirl.”Itmakesfor a greatmovieplot,but “getting thegirl” isn’t thepoint.Life isn’t aNicholasSparksnovel.Life isgrittyandhardandthensuddenly it isbrilliantandamazing.Besides,thegirlcouldbeengaged.Shecouldbegay.Shecouldbearealbitch.Evenifshe’samazingandtheyenduphavingcrazyhotsexorgoontogetmarried,“thegirl”isnotthesourceofpowerinthestory.Tomis.

The treasure in your life isburiedwithin you. It’snot insideof someone else.Tomis thesourceofpower inhis lifeandyouare thesourceofpower inyours.Youunlock that powerwhen you listen to your instincts and 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 pushyourself to honor them.When you discover your “inner true self” it will be the“mostimportantgiftofall.”

Jean-Baptistealsosawthis.Hewrotetomethatherealized“thatnobodywasgoingtocomeandgetmetolivethelifethatIwanttoliveandthattakingactionistheonlywaytocreatemyownspaceintotheworld.”

JustasJean-Baptistesaid,Ialso“believethateverybodycouldbringsomethingnewandoriginaltotheworldwelivein.”Thepotentialformassivegreatnessexistsinsideeverysingleoneofus.

Thewaythatyouactivatethepowerofyouisbyfindingthecourageyouneedeverysingledaytopushyourselfforward.Whenyoulistentoyourinstincts(“getupand face the day, Mel,” “suck it up and start walking, Tom,” “take care of your nephews,Catherine,”“don’tgiveupyourseat,Rosa”)—it’sclearwhatyoumustdo.

There isnodebatewhenyou followwhat’s insideyourheart.Theonly thingthatwillquietthechatterinyourheadisadecisiontomove.AsIsaidintheverybeginning of the book, you really are just one decision away from a completelydifferentlife.

Weareallsoafraidofuncertaintythatwewantaguaranteebeforeweeventry.Wewantevidencethatifwetakeariskwewill“getthegirl”too.EvenifTomgetsthegirl,it’snotproofthatyouwill.“Gettingthegirl”or“theguy,”forthatmatter,isanumbersgame.Toplayanygame,youhavetostart.Towin,you’llneedtokeepgoing.Ifyouwanttomakeyourdreamscometrue,getreadyforthelonggame.

Lifeisnotaone-and-donesortofdeal.You’vegottoworkforwhatyouwant.Do you know the game Angry Birds? Rovio, the brand that created the game,launched 51 unsuccessful games before they developedAngryBirds.How aboutTheAvengersstarMarkRuffalo?Doyouknowhowmanyauditionshedidbeforehelanded his first role? Almost 600! Even Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times. MyfavoritevacuumcleanerisaDyson.Andthere’snowonderwhyitdoesn’tsuckatsuckingupthedirt.JamesDysoncreated5,127prototypes!What?Andthislastonewill blow yourmind. Picasso created nearly 100masterpieces in his lifetime.Butwhatmostpeopledon’tknowisthathecreatedatotalofmorethan50,000worksofart.

Didyouseethelastnumber?50,000.That’stwopiecesofartaday.Successisanumbersgame.Andyou’renotgoingtowinitifyoukeeptellingyourselftowait.Themoreoftenthatyouchoosecourage,themorelikelyyou’llsucceed.

Whenyou5-4-3-2-1pushyourselfforwardyou’lldiscoverthemagicinyourlifeandyouopenyourselfuptotheworld,toopportunity,andtopossibility.Youmightnotgetthegirl,thepart,ortheresponseyouwantedbutthat’snotthepoint.In the end, you’ll get somethingway cooler—you’ll discover thepower insideofyou.

Holdon.Letmeoverthinkaboutit.

I

CHAPTERSEVEN

YOU’LLNEVERFEELLIKEIT

t’sahotafternooninPlano,Texas,andawomannamedChristineissittinginameetingatwork.Herbosshascalledthemeetingtodiscussideastohelpclosea

massivepieceofconsultingbusiness.It’sdowntotwocompaniesandthedecisionwillbemadenextweek.Christineislisteningandtakingnoteswhensuddenlyshethinksofanout-of-the-boxidea:

WhatifwecreateacustomSnapchatgeo-filterandtagittotheprospect’sofficebuilding…everyoneatthebuildingusingSnapchatwillseeitandthatwillcreatebuzzaboutourcompany.

Hermind starts to racewith all kindsof cool things that they coulddo.Theconversation among her colleagues is winding down and the VP of BusinessDevelopmentsays,“Thesearegreatsuggestions,anyoneelse?”

Christine has a decision to make and she’ll make it in the next fiveseconds

Sheknowssheshouldjumpintotheconversation,butfirstshestopstothink.Isthisgoingtosoundcrazy?Nooneelsesuggestedanythingevenclosetothiskindofthing.Sheshifts in her chair. Is there a reason no one else has mentioned Snapchat? Now she’squestioningwhethersheshouldsharetheideaatall.

In thenext fiveseconds,Christinewilleitherdecide tosaynothing,apatternthat’s become a habit at work, or she will find the courage to speak up. Plus,Christinehasagoal.Shewants toadvance inhercareerand isworried thatshe’sgoing to get “passed over” for more senior roles if she doesn’t improve herexecutivepresence.She’sbeenspendingalotoftimefiguringoutwhatsheneedstodoandshewrotetomebecauseshewasstrugglingwithherabilitytomakeherselfdoit.Herconfidenceistakinganosedive.

She had devoured fantastic books likeLean In, Tribes,DaringGreatly, andTheConfidence Code. She has attended women’s conferences, listened intently to hermentor, and practiced power posing in her mirror at home. Thanks to all thisresearch and reading,Christineknows what she needs to do (share strategic ideas, beproactive,leanin,bemorevisible,andvolunteerforprojectsthatstretchher),andsheknowswhysheneedstodothesethings.

You’reprobablywonderingwhyonearthChristinedidn’t just speakupwhenshehadthechance.Greatquestion.

The answer is simple: she’s losing the battlewith her feelings. Christine isn’tstruggling with speaking. She’s struggling with self-doubt. Of course Christineknowshowtospeak inameeting.Whatshedoesn’tknowhowtodo isbeat thefeelingsthatarestoppingher.

Ifyou’veeverwonderedwhy it’s sohard tomakeyourselfdo the things thatyouknowwillsolveyourproblemsandimproveyourlife,theanswerissimple.It’syourfeelings.Noneofusrealize it,butwemakealmosteverysingledecisionnotwith logic,notwithourhearts,notbasedonourgoalsordreams—butwithourfeelings.

Andourfeelingsinthemomentarealmostneveralignedwithwhat’sbestforus.TakeChristineasanexample.Sheknowswhat’sbestforher:tospeakup.Inthemoment, however, her feelings are making her second-guess herself. Study afterstudyshowsthatweoptforwhatfeelsgoodnoworfeelseasierratherthandoingthethingsthatweknowinourheartswillmakeusbetterinthelongrun.

Themomentthatyourealizeyourfeelingsaretheproblem,younowhavetheabilitytobeatthem.LookathowquicklyChristine’sfeelingsroseinthatmeetinginPlano, Texas. In less than five seconds, self-doubt started to fill her mind. Ithappens toallofus.Andonceyouunderstand the role feelingsplay inhowyoumakeadecision,youwillbeabletobeatthem.Here’swhatyouneedtoknow:

YouMakeDecisionsBasedOnHowYouFeel

We like to think that we use logic or consider our goals when we makedecisionsbutthat’snotthecase.AccordingtoneuroscientistAntonioDamasio,it’sourfeelingsthatdecideforus95%ofthetime.Youfeelbeforeyouthink.Youfeelbeforeyouact.AsDamasioputsit,humanbeingsare“feelingmachinesthatthink”not“thinkingmachinesthatfeel.”Andthat’showyouultimatelymakedecisions—basedonhowyoufeel.

Damasiostudiedpeoplewhohaddamagetotheirbrainsandcouldn’tfeelanyemotions at all and he discovered something fascinating—none of his researchsubjects couldmake a decision.They could describe logicallywhat they should do

and the pros and cons of the choice, but they couldn’t actually make a choice. Thesimplestdecisionslike“whatdoIwanttoeat?”wereparalyzing.

WhatDamasiodiscoveredisparamountforyoutounderstand.Everytimewehave a decision to make, we subconsciously tally all the pros and cons of ourchoicesandthenmakeagutcall,basedonhowwefeel.Thishappensinananosecond.That’swhynoneofuscatchesit.

Forexample,whenyouaskyourself thequestion,“WhatdoIwant to eat?”youare actually asking yourself, “What do I feel like eating?” Similarly, I wasn’t asking,“ShouldIgetup?”Subconsciously,Iwasasking,“DoIfeellikegettingup?”Tomwasn’tasking,“DoIwant towalkover toher?”Subconsciouslyhewasasking,“DoI feel likewalkingovertoher?”Christinewasdoingthesamethingatwork.Shewasn’tasking,“Should I share my idea?” Subconsciously, she was asking, “Do I feel like sharing myidea?”

Huge difference. And that explains why change is hard. Logically, we knowwhat we should do, but our feelings about doing it make our decision for us. Yourfeelingswillmake thedecisionbeforeyoueven realizewhathappened.Howyoufeelinthemomentisalmostneveralignedwithyourgoalsandyourdreams.Ifyouonlyactwhenyoufeellikeit,youwillnevergetwhatyouwant.

Youmustlearnhowtoseparatewhatyoufeelfromtheactionsthatyoutake.The#5SecondRuleisaremarkabletoolinthisregard.

Themomentyoufeeltootired,you’lldecidenottogoforarun,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucouldmakeyourselfgoforone.

Ifyoudon’tfeellikeattackingtheto-dolistonyourdesk,youwon’t,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucanforceyourselftostartworkingonit.

Ifyoudon’tfeelworthy,you’lldecidenottotellhimwhatyoureallythink,but5-4-3-2-1-GO,andyoucanmakeyourselfsayit.

Ifyoudon’tlearnhowtountangleyourfeelingsfromyouractions,you’llneverunlockyourtruepotential.

Here’showfeelingskeepyoufromchanging.Whenyoustop toconsiderhowyoufeel,youstopmovingtowardyourgoal.Onceyouhesitate,you’llstartthinkingaboutwhatyouneedtodo,you’llweightheprosandcons,you’llconsiderhowyoufeelaboutwhatyouneedtodo,andyou’lltalkyourselfoutofdoingit.

Ihavesaiditbefore,andI’llsayitagainbecauseitissoimportant.Youaren’tbattling your ability to stick to a diet, execute a business plan, repair a brokenmarriageandrebuildyourlife,hityoursalesgoals,orwinoverabadmanager—youarebattlingyour feelingsaboutdoing it.Youaremore thancapableofdoing theworktochangeanythingforthebetter,despitehowyoufeel.

Youcan’tcontrolhowyoufeel.Butyoucanalwayschoosehowyouact.

Everwonderhowproathletesachievesomuch?Partofitistalentandpractice,butanotherkeyelement is a skill thatyouandIneed inour lives—theability toseparatefromouremotionsandpushourbodiesandmouthstomove.Theymayfeeltiredasthefootballgamedragsintothefourthquarter,buttheydon’tacttired.Feelings are merely suggestions, ones the greatest athletes and teams ignore. Tochange,youmustdothesame.Youmustignorehowyoufeel,andasNikewouldtellyou,JustDoItanyway.

Everyone struggles with their feelings of self-doubt. Just ask Lin-ManuelMiranda,creatorof thesmashhitHamilton thatwon11TonyAwards in2016. IttookhimsixyearstowriteHamilton.YoumaydreamofwritingthenextHamilton,andyouverywellmight. Justdon’t forget that it tookMiranda six years towritethatshow.Andhehadtobattlehisfeelingsofself-doubteverystepoftheway.

HerecentlyputupthispostonhisTwitterpage.It’sapostofaconversationbetweenMiranda and hiswife, Vanessa. Three years beforeHamilton debuted to

sell-outcrowdsand$1,000tickets,Mirandawasstillwritingthemusicalandhewasstrugglingwithhisfeelingsofself-doubt:

“Ihaveahardtimefindingthebalancebetweennotbeatingmyselfupwhenitdoesn’thappenasfastasI’dlikeitto,andnotwastingtimewhileIwaitforittohappen.”

What did Miranda do? He pushed himself and kept writing. That’s why hepostedthisonhispage:toremindeveryonethatweareallthesame.Weallstrugglewiththesameself-defeatingfeelingsandtheonlywayoutisthrough.So,5-4-3-2-1suckitupand“Getbacktoyourpiano.”

I lovewhathiswifesaidtoo:“Everyonehasthatproblemall thetime.”She’sright.Wealldoubtourselves.Thatisthetruth.Thebiggestmistakeyoucouldmakeistobuyintotheliesyourfeelingsaretellingyou.Donotwaituntilyoufeellikeit.5-4-3-2-1Getbacktoyourpiano.

Let’sgobacktothatmeetinginPlano,Texas,whereChristinehasadecisiontomake.Inthepast,assoonasshefeltuncertain,shewouldhavejustlookeddownathernotepad,saidnothing,andinfiveseconds,themomentwouldhavebeenover.If one of her colleagues had raised a similar idea (as colleagues often do), she’dspendtheafternoonbeatingherselfupfornottalking.

Buttoday,Christinedoessomethingdifferent.Shedreadswhatsheisabouttodoandshecanfeelthefivesecondwindowclosingasherownbrainfightsher.HerstomachisinknotsassheappliestheRule.

Shestartscountingbackwardssilentlyinherheadtoquiettheself-doubtandtoswitchthegearsinherbrain.

5..4..3..2..1..Thecountinginterruptshernormalpatternofbehavior,distractsherfromher

fears, and creates a moment of deliberate action. By asserting control in thatmoment,sheactivatesherprefrontalcortexsothatshecandriveherthoughtsandactions.Thensheopenshermouthandsays,“Ihaveanidea.”

Everyoneturnsandlooksather,andChristinefeelslikeshemightjustdierightthere.Sheforcesherselftokeepmovingforward.Shesitsupalittletaller,takesupa littlemore spaceby slidingher elbowswider across the table (aspowerposingsuggestswedo),andstartstospeak:SoIhadthisidea,youknowhowstatisticallyalltheseMillennialsareusingSnapchatasaplatformto…

Everyone listened toher idea, asked a fewquestions, and thenherboss said,“Thanks, Christine. Very interesting suggestion. Anyone else?” On the outside, nothingearth-shattering happened, but on the inside something life-changing did. Shediscoveredthecouragesheneededtobecomethepersonshealwayswantedtobeatwork—arockstar.

WhatChristinesaidisn’tthepoint.It’sthatshesaidanythingatallthatmakesthis moment powerful. Sharing her idea for a social media campaign changedsomething way more important than the marketing strategy of a company. ItchangedChristine.Itnotonlychangedhowshebehaved,butitalsochangedhowsheviewedherself.Itevenchangedhermindset.Thisishowyoubuildconfidence—onefive-secondmoveatatime.

SheusedtheRuletoreachdeepinsideofherselftofindalittlecourage.Andbyspeakingup,whennormally she’dholdback, sheproved toherselfon a randomafternooninaconferenceroominPlano,Texas,thatshewasinfactgoodenoughandsmartenoughtocontributeideasatwork.

Itwasa smallbutmonumental step.And it tookcourage.TheRule isHOWshe took a risk andwas able to apply the advice thatwe all knowworks. ItwasHOWsheleanedinasSherylSandbergurges,outsmartedthe lizardbrainasSethGodinimplores,actedlikean“Original”asGrantchampions,anddaredgreatlyasBrenéBrownempowersustodo.

Isaidearlyonthat theRule isa tool thatcreates immediatebehaviorchange.And that’s exactly how Christine used it. That’s how you’ll use it too. By beingdeliberate, Christinewas able to beat the feelings that normally stopped her andbecomemoreassertive inhercareer.Themore that sheuses theRule toexpressherideas,themoreconfidentthatshewillbecome.

Confidenceisaskillthatyoubuildthroughaction.SocialpsychologistTimothyWilson writes about a psychological intervention, “do good, be good” that dates toAristotle. Its premise is basedon changing people’s behavior first,which in turnchangestheirself-perceptionofthekindofpersonthattheyarebasedonthekindsofthingsthattheydo.

Thisispreciselywhythe#5SecondRuleisyourally.Itisatoolforactionandforbehaviorchangealignedwithyourgoalsandcommitments.Itisnotatoolfor

thinking,andattheendoftheday,youaregoingtoneedtodomorethanthinkif

youwanttochangeyourlife.

Wilsonclearly agrees.Hehas said that, “ourmindsaren’t stupid. It’snot likeyoucanjusttellyourmind,‘ThinkPositively.’You’vegottonudgeitalittlemorealong.”Ibelieveyoumustdomorethannudge.Youmustpushrightthroughthefeelingsthatstopyouanddotheworktobreakthehabitsthatholdyouback.Andthen, you need to replace each and every one of these destructive habits with ahabitofcourage.

Atthenextmeeting,Christinewillneedtopracticeeverydaycourage.Shewillhavesomethingtosayandshe’llfeeluncertainanduncomfortable.Shewilldoubtherselfasshe isabout toshareher ideas,andthen,she’llhesitateandfeelherselfresist. That’s the pushmoment. It’s a moment when your values and goals willalign, but your feelings will tell you “NO!” Christine will need to use the#5SecondRuletopushherselftospeak.

ThemorethatsheusestheRule,thefastershewillbreakherhabitofstayingsilentinmeetingsandreplaceitwithanewhabit:courage.ThemorethatChristineis able toexpressher true self andbringout the ideas insideher, themorealive,connected,andempoweredshe’llbecome.

Nateknowsexactlyhowempoweringthatfeels—heisusingthe#5SecondRule“everydaynow”topushhimselftogrowhiswellnessbusiness:

Pushing herself to “get out of my comfort zone” is how Carol found thecourage to achieve one of her #lifegoals #bucketlist—presenting to her nursingcolleaguesataprofessionalconference.

WhenAlexandrawasinvitedtogiveapresentationatwork,herheadwasfullofexcuses. In “a matter of 5,4,3,2,1” she acted on a “moment that changedeverything”—andthatgavehertheconfidencetoteach“apostgraduationclass!”

Thereasonwhyitissofreeingtousethe#5SecondRuleisbecauseyouarenotonly seizing the moment, you are also taking ownership of your life. You arechangingyour“NOstoYESes.”AsJimsays,“neverunderestimate thepowerofyou”—he’s used the Rule to beat “analysis paralysis” and have “one incredibleyear.”

AsWilsonandAristotlesaid,“Dogood,begood.”Changeyourbehaviorfirstbecausewhenyoudo,youchangehowyouperceiveyourself.That’sexactlywhatAnna Kate discovered while using the #5SecondRule. She’s a marketingprofessionalwhousedtostayquietwhentheroomwaswatching,worriedthathercolleagueswould thinkshe’s“sillyand inexperienced”only to learn thatonceshefoundthecouragetochangeherbehavioratwork,somethingsheneverexpectedhappened—her“creativityflourished.”

“HiMel,

Hereismy5Secondrulestory:

WhileIreluctantlydragmyselfoutofbed(in5seconds)inordertodomy30before7:30(inspiredbyyou!)andothermorningroutines,mycareerhasbeenimpactedthemostbythe5secondrule.

I’minmarketing,soweareconstantlyonalertfornewideas.Eachnewideacantakeoffanddevelopintoafulloncampaigngarneringmajorresultsforourclients.Yep,justonelittleinkling.Inordertokeepitalltogether,IliketocarryasmallnotebookinmybagwithmewhereverIgoanduseittojotdownquicktasksbutmostlyideas.

Withthe5SecondRule,Idon’tthinkitoutorconsiderthelongtermlifeofmyidea,nordoIsendituptheladderforapproval-I’lldealwiththatlater.Ijustneedtogetitonpaper.Later,Irevisitandtakethetimetoevaluateasoundstrategy.

Iusedtobesuchasissywhenitcametosharingideasorevenwritingthemdown!Iwasself-consciousandworriedaboutwhatpeoplewould think, or if theywould seemeas silly and inexperienced.Since Ihave castedmy scaredy cat

syndromeaside,mycreativityhasflourished.Now,Ican’trememberwhatIwassoworriedaboutinthefirstplace.

Thankyouforthe5SecondRule!

P.S.Myteamactuallydigsmyideas:)

AnnaKate”

Youcan feel likea“scaredycat,”but5-4-3-2-1 actbrave.At theheartofeverydaycourageisachoice.Fivesecondsatatimeyoumakeadecisiontodo,say,or pursue what’s truly important to you. That’s why there’s such a tight bondbetweencourageandconfidence.Everytimeyoufacedoubtand5-4-3-2-1rightpastit,youprovetoyourselfthatyouarecapable.Everytimethatyoubeatfearand5-4-3-2-1doitanyway,youdisplayinnerstrength.Everytimeyousmashyourexcusesand5-4-3-2-1sayit,youhonorthegreatnessinsideofyouthatwantstobeheard.That’showconfidencegrows—onesmall,courageousmoveatatime.

ShouldhaveCouldhaveWouldhaveDid.

T

CHAPTEREIGHT

HOWTOSTARTUSINGTHERULE

hefastestwaytoimplementthe#5SecondRuleistostartbyusingittheexactsame way I did. Here’s a simple Wake Up Challenge that you can do

tomorrow morning to jumpstart your use of the Rule. Just set your alarm 30minutesearlierthanusual,andthemomentitringscount5-4-3-2-1pushyourselfoutofbed.

ChangeIsSimple,NotEasy

Thereareafewreasonswhythischallengeisimportant.

First,there’snowiggleroom.Thechallengeisstraightforward.It’sjustyou,thealarmclock,and5-4-3-2-1.Ifyoufail,it’sbecauseyoumadeadecisiontoblow

offthe#5SecondRule.

Second, if you can change your morning routine, you can change anything.Changerequiresyoutoactdeliberately,despitehowyoufeel.Ifyoucanmasterthatinoneareaofyourlife,youcandoitinanyareathatyouaretryingtoimprove.

Third,Iwantyoutoexperienceaconceptcalled“activationenergy”andfeelhowharditreallyistopushyourselftodosimplethings.Inchemistry,“activationenergy” is theminimumamountofenergy required tobeginachemical reaction.Chemists have found that this initial amount of energy ismuch higher than theaverageamountofenergyneededtokeepthereactiongoing.Whatdoesthathavetodowithgettingup?Alot.Theinitialamountofenergytopushyourselfoutofbedismuchhigherthantheenergyyouexertonceyou’reupandmoving.

LegendarypsychologistMihalyCsikszentmihalyiappliedthisconcepttohumanbehavior,blamingactivationenergyasoneofthereasonswhymakingchangeissohard. He defines activation energy as that “initial huge push of energy that’srequiredtochange”—whetherit’stogetastalledcartomoveforwardoryourselfoutofawarmbedinthemorning.

JeromefromthePhilippineswrote:

“Itfeelsuncomfortablebecausemybodyandmymindarenotreadyforthiskindofrule.ButI’mwillingtopracticeit.”

Thatfirstboutofactivationenergyissouncomfortable,butIwantyoutofeelthatresistancesoyoulearnwhatit’sliketopushyourself.

Ifyoudon’tgetthathugepush(likeyoudidasakidwhenyourmotherturnedofftheTVandsaid,“It’sabeautifulday,getoutsideandgodosomething.”)yourbrainwillinevitablytakeyoudownthepathofdoingnothing.

Whenyoustarttocount5-4-3-2-1,itisthebeginningofachainreactionthatnot only awakens the prefrontal cortex, but also gets you ready to make thatphysical“initialhugepush”that’srequiredtochange.

When you get up themoment that alarm rings, it gives you personal power.Thisonesmallactofgettingupwhenthealarmringsdemonstratesthatyouhavetheinnerstrengthtodowhatneedstobedone.Plus,asEmmadiscovered,itwillgiveyoua“muchmorepositiveoutlookontheday.”

That’salsowhatTraceyexperienced.Bywakingupat5a.m.andusingtheRuletopushheroutofbedandtothegym,Tracywasabletostartherdayonapositivenote.

Ifyoucan’tgetyourselfoutofbed,thenyou’llneverbeabletopursuealloftheotherchangesthatyouwanttomakeinyourlife.Andifyoutakethatsimplestepof takingcontrolofyourmornings,you’llcatalyzeachainofevents that leads tochangeeverywhere.

HowToSetYourselfUpforSuccess

1.Beforeyougotobed,placeyouralarmclockinanotherroomandsetitfor30minutesearlier thanyounormallywakeup.Even though it isn’teasy to“dragyourassoutofbed,”asPattydescribes, youmustpushyourself tocomplete thechallenge.

YoumightbewonderingwhyIwantyoutostartthisexercisebysettingyouralarm30minutesearlier.Thereasonissimple.Iwantittofeelhard,asifyouliterallyhavetodragyourselfoutofbed,justlikePattysaid.

2.Tomorrowmorning,assoonasthealarmsounds,openyoureyesandstartcountingbackwards…5-4-3-2-1.Throwoffthecovers,getup,andwalkoutofyourbedroom.Startyourday.Nodelay.Nopillowoverthehead.Nolingering,nosnooze,nocrawlingbackintobed.

Here’swhatyoucanexpect.Assoonasthatalarmgoesoff,you’llthinkabouthowyoufeelaboutgettingup.You’llthink,“thisWakeUpChallengeisstupid.”You’llfeeltired.You’lltrytoconvinceyourselfto“starttomorrow.”

JustlikeTim,youwill“notwanttogetup”—butthe#5SecondRulewillhelpyouwinthebattlewithyourfeelingsbygivingyousomethingtodothathelpsyougetoutofbed.

Oncethe#5SecondRulepoppedintohishead,Timwasabletoimmediatelygetupandheadtothegym.Alotofushavea“justdon’tfeellikeit”attitudeinlife.Inthosemoments,theRulewillhelpyoutakeactionlikeitdoesforJessica:

“Ihavefoundthatthe5-4-3-2-1-GOhelpsonthosedayswhenan“Ijustdon’tfeellikeit”attitudecreepsinwhichiseveryday,soagain,THANKYOU!”

That“Ijustdon’tfeellikeit”attitudehasawayoftakingoveryourentiredayandthat’sanotherreasonwhythisusetheRuleissoimportant.Ithasatrickledowneffectontherestofyourlife.JustaskStephen,whowrotetomeaboutthenightbeforehefirsttriedtheWakeUpChallenge.

Iaskedhimhowwakingupearlywent.Hesaid“itsucked”whenhefirsttrieditbutovertime,ithas“madeahugedifference.”His“mindsetliterallychangedinthespanofafewminutes”andsincestartingtheWakeUpChallenge,hehasfoundanewjobthathasallowedhimto“startlivinglife.”

As you just read, for Stephen, “the snooze button has been broken andautopilotnolongerexists”—andthathasmadeallthedifference.Stephenisn’tjustwakingupearlier.He’schangedfromaguywhousedto“alwayssettleandrarelypursuemypassions” to apersonwhohas takenhis life intohisownhands,onefive-second decision at a time. And it all started with getting up right when thealarmrang.

If youcangetupon time, start yourdaypowerfully,planahead, thinkaboutyour goals, and focus on yourself, all before you get bogged down in your dailyroutine, then you will simply accomplish more. This is the first step to takingcontrolofyourlife.

Remember, while I created the Rule to help me get out of bed, the#5SecondRule is about something far greater thanwakingupon time. It’s aboutwakingupthepowerofyouandusingittoshakeupyourlife.

After you try theWakeUpChallenge, letmeknowwhat youdiscover aboutyourselfusing#5SecondRule.Youmight find, likeStephendid, that it “sucked,”butovertime,Iguaranteethisonesmallchangewillmake“ahugedifference.”

Nowthatyouknowhowtogetstarted,onabasiclevel,thenextthreepartsofthebookwilldivedeeperintohowyoucanusetheRuletoachievespecificgoalsincluding increasing productivity, beating the fear, feeling happier, and enrichingyourrelationships.

I’mtired.It’stoocold.It’stoohot.It’sraining.It’stoolate.Let’sgo.

PART3

COURAGECHANGESYOUR

BEHAVIOR

I

HOWTOBECOMETHEMOSTPRODUCTIVEPERSONYOUKNOW

like to say that the#5SecondRule is“changeagnostic.” Itwillworkwithanykindofbehaviorchangethatyouaretryingtomakehappen.Theapplications

ofthe#5SecondRuleareonlylimitedbyyourimagination.Ifyouwanttoadoptapositivenewhabit,justusetheRuleto5-4-3-2-1andpushyourselftodoit.

YoucanalsousetheRuletopullyourselfawayfromdestructivebehaviorlikegambling,drinking,drugs, and impulsivebehavior likemicromanagingyour team,snappinginfrustration,andbingewatchingtoomanyTVshows.Just5-4-3-2-1to assert control and shift your focus away from the destructive or impulsivebehavior.Thenturnandwalkawayfromit.Likeallchange,it’ssimple—noteasy,andtheRulewillhelpyougetitdone.

There are three behavior changes that we receive emails about constantly:health,productivity,andprocrastination.Iaddresstheminthissectionofthebook.You’ll learn the step-by-step approach tohow you canuse the#5SecondRule incombination with some recent research-based strategies to improve these threemajorareasofyourlife.

First,you’lllearnthesecrettoimprovingyourhealth.You’renotgoingtolikeit,butitworks—andyou’llseepostsofpeopleallaroundtheglobewhoareusingthe#5SecondRuletodosomeprettyremarkablethingsforthemselves.

Second,you’lllearnhowtoincreaseyourproductivityusingthe#5SecondRule,andthe latestresearchonfocus,productivity,andyourbrain.There’saparticular

factinthereaboutthesnoozebuttonandhowitimpactsyourproductivitythatwillreallysurpriseyou.

Third, you’ll dive into a subject that plagues us all—procrastination. You’lllearnaboutthetwoformsofprocrastination,andthestep-by-stepmethodforhowyou canuse the#5SecondRule in combinationwith 19 years of research tobeatprocrastinationonceandforall.

Everything you are about to learn can be implemented immediately and isbackedbyscience.Toreachyourpotential,you’llhavetopushyourself—there isnootherway.

Eitheryourunthedayorthedayrunsyou.

A

CHAPTERNINE

IMPROVEYOURHEALTH

lmosthalfofthemessagesIhavereceivedarefrompeople,justlikeyouandme,whowanttoimprovetheirhealth.Whetherit’stoslimdown,pumpup,

dropweight,lowercholesterol,healyourselffromillness,eathealthier,orimprovestrength and flexibility—whatever it is, you can use the #5SecondRule to get itdone.

Thefactisthatthinkingaboutbeinghealthierwon’tmakeyouhealthier.Evenmeditation,which isamentalexercise, still requires thatyouDOIT.There isnogettingaroundthis.Youmusttakeaction.

The irony is that in no other area of our lives is there more information,support, research, options, or free content than on the subject of health andwellness.YoucouldGoogle“diet,”downloadthetop20searchresults,printthem

out,putthemonadartboard,andfollowwhateverdietthedarthits.Thediet, ifyou actually follow it, will work. The problem is never the diet. The problem isalwaysyourfeelingsaboutdieting.Thesameistrueaboutexercising.

JustlikeAna,we“neverfeellikeworkingout”andweletthesefeelingsgetinthewayofourdesirestobecomehealthier.Usingthe#5SecondRule,Anapushedherselfto5-4-3-2-1andgotbackonthebike:

Yes,youmayhyperventilateasyoupedal,butwhocares?Itsoundsbetterthanmakingexcusesathome.

Everysinglediet,exerciseprogram,gymcircuit,workoutclass,physicaltherapyregimen, cross-training routine, meditation program, and yoga flow will improve

yourhealth.Buthere’sthecatch—YOUHAVETODOIT.Andbelieveme,Igetit.I loatheexercise,especially if it’scoldorrainingoutside.Ihate itasmuchasIhategettingoutofbed.Withoutthe#5SecondRule,I’dneverdoit.

Whyisgettinghealthysohard?Youalreadyknowtheanswer—yourfeelings.Ifyoufeeldeprivedofbread,youwon’tsticktoyourgluten-freediet.Thesecondyouconsider how you feel about eating salad for the next 113 days, you’ll convinceyourselfnottodoit.Themomentyouscantoday’sCrossFitworkoutandconsiderhowyoufeelaboutdoingthreesetsof45burpeeswithabunchofpeopleinaparkinglot—youwon’tfeellikewalkingoutthedoorandgoing.

Willstickingtoadietmakeyouhappy?Absolutely.WillseeingyourfriendsatCrossFit and working out make you happy? You better believe it will. Just askMelanie,whohadtroublegetting“offthedamncouch”beforefindingtheRule.

And once she did get moving, Melanie experienced “Freedom andbreakthroughs,”somethingthatweallwant.Themomentyouacceptthefactthatwejustwanttodothethingsthatfeeleasy,yourealizethesecrettogettinghealthyissimple—you’llneverfeellikeit,youjusthaveto5-4-3-2-1-GO!

Blowingoffthegym,hittingtheIn-n-OutBurgerdrive-thru,andwastingtimeonFacebook isahellof loteasier thanhyperventilating inaspinclassorcuttingout sugar fromyourdiet. If youwant to loseweight, followadiet, and regularlyexercise, there’s only one thing youmust do: Stop thinking about how you feel.Yourfeelingsdon’tmatter.TheonlythingthatmattersiswhatyouDO.

Erikarealizedthis.Evenafterstartingherweightlossjourney,shefoundherself“losingallmotivationtogetmyworkoutsin”and“alwayshadanexcuse”whyshe

couldn’thitthegym.

Once she realized that shewas “never going to feel likeworkingout,”Erikawasabletofind5secondwindowsofopportunityandthenpushherselftoactonthem.Exerciseis100%mental.Yourbodywon’tgowhereyourminddoesn’tpushit.That’swhythe#5SecondRuleisgamechangingforyourhealth.

Here’sHOWyouuseit…

5-4-3-2-1-GOandgettothegym.

5-4-3-2-1-GOandputdownthedonutandeatagrilledchickenbreast.

5-4-3-2-1-GOandwalkaway fromthebakeryeven though thebreadanddessertsareseducingyoulikeasiren.

Therearepeopleallovertheworldwhoarefatter,lazier,andmoreoutofshapethanyouwhoused5-4-3-2-1tochangethemselvesintoatotallydifferentbody,mindset,andlife.

LikeCharlie.Thisguyfirstreachedouttomeweighing383pounds.Hiswaistwas54 inches.Lookat thephotos in the followingFacebookpostandyou’ll seehowheavyhewas.

Imagine how horrible he felt. Now look at the other photo of him in thebottomphoto—celebratinghislife.Heisliterallyadifferenthumanbeing.How’dhedo it?Bydrinkingdrinks that taste likegrass.Yuck, youmight say.But that’swhat it took for him to reach his goal. Today he runs a business called JuicingStrongthathelpspeoplebecometheirhealthiestselves.

For529straightdays,thisguypushedhimselftokeepthepromisehemadetohimself.Why?Notbecausehefeltlikeit—butbecausehesaidhewould.Imagineif

Charliespentthelast529daysthinkingaboutlosing176poundsinsteadofjuicing.Whatwouldhavehappened?Nothing.Alexandraalsofoundherwaytoahealthierlifestylebyjuicing:

CharlieandAlexandrabothfoundthatwhenyoufollowyourinstinctstoleadahealthierlifestylebytakingacourageousaction,changestartstohappeninyourlife.

It takes courage to start something, it takes courage to stick with it, and itdefinitelytakescouragetoshareitwiththeworld.That’swhatPakinamdescribedtome.Courage iswhat it requiredto loseweightbecausesometimes,asPakinamwrites,thegapbetweenwhereyouareandwhereyouwanttobecanseemsohuge,thatwecan’tevenfacehowmuchworkwehavetodo:

HiMel,

FormyentirelifeIhavebeenoverweight.NowIamtryingtodietforthefirsttimeinmylife.Ifeellostandtrapped,butIkeepongoing.Ihaveamassivefeelingofinsecurityandvulnerability.Canyoupleaseexplainthis?

The short answer is that the gap between the person you are now and thepersonyouwanttobecomecanseemsobigthatitfeelsimpossibletobridgethatgap.Feelingthiswayisnormal,butallowingthosefeelingstotakeoveryourmindisaformofself-abuse.

That’s why I love Charlie and that photo of his bare belly hanging over hisshorts.Anyonecanbridgethegapbetweenthenumbersonthescalewithapush.LetCharlie’sexampleinspireyoutostarttoday.Andlethisresultsencourageyoutostickwithit.

IhavesomeoneelseIwantyoutomeet.MarkisusinghisInstagramfriendstohold himself accountable. Five thousand pushups in a month? Holy cow! I canbarelydofiveaday,#exercisegoals.

Thedisciplineofdailyexercisewillalsohelphisotherpersonalandprofessionalgoalof“tryingtofinishmybookonincreasingbusinessvalueandselling.”Every

daythatMarkexercises,he’llhaveabrainthat’sprimedtohelphimfinishwriting

thatbook.GoMark!Keepuspostedwhenyourbookisavailable.

Maybe5,000push-upsinonemonthisa littleoverwhelmingbecauseitmightliterallykillyou.Noproblem.Howaboutjusttakingonafitnesschallenge?CheckoutAnouk—she’sonweek threeofhers.She is tellingus thesimple truthabouthealthandexercise:“Ireallyreallyreallydidn’tfeellikeitbutdiditanywayBOOMBOOMBOOM.”

BOOM to you Anouk, you rock girl. And you rock too—when you pushyourselftotakeactionwhenyoudon’tfeellikeit.

Ifyoufeeloverwhelmedbythethoughtoftakingthisonforreal,meetAlice.She’s“a19-year-oldgirlfromtheUK”whowrotetomebecauseshehadbeenina

“reallybadplace.”Here’showshedescribedit:

Isufferwithanxietyandagoraphobiaandtheyreallytooktheirtollonme.Igainedabout30lbs,whichmademeevenmoremiserableandIstayedindoorsevenmore.Additionally,I feltpressuredbymyparents todoacertaindegreeatacertainuniversityandconvincedmyselfIwasfinedoingthisinordertopleasethem…Iwatchedyourvideoanditreallymademethink,isthisreallywhatIwant?AmIreally‘fine’beingthesizeIam?DoIdeservetogetwhatIwant?

Iwon’tlieittooksometimebutIwatchedyourtalkaboutonceaweekandthenIhadtheimpulse…”

Shehadtheinstincttogetrealwithherself.Shehadthedesiretoassertherselfandtakecontrolofherlife.Shehadtheurgetochange.Andshedid!Notonlydidshetalktoherparents,butshechangedhermajor.

“WasacceptedtotheUniversityofmychoiceandthecourseofmychoiceandamduetogothisOctober.Asformyweight,sinceDecemberI’velost28lbsfromeatinghealthily,gettingintoagoodexerciseroutineandit’salldowntoyour5secondrule.

IhopeIdidn’ttakeuptoomuchofyourtime,butIreallywantedtotellyouhowmuchyourtalkimpactedme!IhavestillgotalongwaytogobutwheneverIfeelmyselfslippingIwatchyourtalkagain!”

That’swhatittakes.IttakescouragetodowhatAlicedid.Ittakescouragetobehonestwithyourselfaboutwhatyouwant.Ittakescouragetoassertyourself—tostart.Often,thatfirststepisthehardest.Ifyoufalloffthewagonor“slip,”youcangetbackontrack.Slippingisnormal.Therearedayswhenyouwon’tfeellikeit.Remember,youcantakecontrolagain.Ittakesjustfiveseconds.

Just ask Kristin. She says something really important in her Instagram post—“Thefirststep—gettingoutofbed—isthehardest.Butsoworthit.”Nomatterhowmanytimesyou’veexercised,startingeachdayisthehardestpart.

RememberwhenItoldyouthatIwantedyoutostartexperimentingwiththeRulebydoing theWakeUpChallenge?That’s so you can experience “activationenergy.”It’stheforcerequiredtostartsomething,andthat’sexactlywhatKristinisreferringto.Andshe’sright—itissoworthit.Infact,there’snothingmoreworthitthanlearningtopushyourselfrightpastyourexcusesandonestepclosertothelife,thebody,orthefutureyoudreamabout.

Maybeyourhealthchallenge isn’tabout thegym.Maybe it’saboutsomethingscarier,likefightinganillness.Youaren’taloneandyouneedcourageeverydaytoheal,tolive,andtostaystrong.Alotofpeoplehavewrittenaboutstrugglingwithcancerandsetbacks inhealth,wonderinghowtheycanreclaimtheircourageandstrength to fight.The#5SecondRule is a tool that you canuse to find the innerstrengthtofaceseriousillness.

GregCheekisoneheckofaninspiringguytofollow.Stagethreecancer.Whatdidhedo?He’srun10marathons—sincehisdiagnosis!Howincredibleisthat?

Maybe it’s not about runningmarathons.Maybe health for youmeans beingbraveenoughtogetyourannualmammogramscreeningdone.WhenAmyRobach,thehostofGoodMorningAmerica,wasaskedtohaveherfirst-evermammogramliveon-airduringBreastCancerAwarenessMonth,herinitialinternalresponsewasnoway,nohow.Shedidn’thaveanyconnectiontothediseaseanddidn’twanttomakeit look like shewas trying to steal the limelight.Amy turned toRobinRoberts, a

fellowanchorandabreastcancersurvivor,foradvice.AfterAmytoldRobinthat

shehadneverhadamammogram,Robinreplied:

“Amy,that’sthewholepoint.Listen.NobodyknowsbetterthanIdohowuncomfortableitcanbehavingpeoplewatchingyougothroughsomethingmedical.Butthepowerofsavingevenonelifeissoremarkable,you’llneverregretit.AndIcanprettymuchguaranteeitwillsavealife.Justbyyouwalkingintothatmammogramanddemystifyingthistest,someonewillfindouttheyhavecancerwhowouldn’thaveotherwise.Amy,80%ofwomenwhohavebreastcancerhavenofamilyhistory.”

Amymadeuphermindrightthere, inRobin’sdressingroom,anddecidedtohavethemammogram.Shewentbackonairweekslatertorevealthatthescreeningshehaddoneon live televisionhadsavedher life—shehadbeendiagnosedwithbreast cancer. Amy went through a double mastectomy, eight rounds ofchemotherapy,andtodayiscancer-free.

WhileAmydidn’tusethe#5SecondRuleinherdecision,shegotapushfromRobinduringacriticalmomentandmadeafiveseconddecision.Thankgoodnessshedid.Youmaynotbeluckyenoughtohaveaworkcolleaguetheretopushyou,butyoucanalwaysgiveyourselfthatpush,5-4-3-2-1-GO.

Improvingyourhealthisallaboutaction.Youmightnotloseasmuchweightas Charlie, or runmarathons likeGreg, but you can push yourself to get to thedentist, toexercise,orgo to thedoctor fora test likeamammogramorprostatescreening.Whenyoupushyourselfjustlikesomanyofthepeopleyou’vejustreadabout,thelifethatyouchangewillbeyourown.

Lifeisaboutthechoiceswemake.AndIhavesaidoverandoverinthisbookthatyoucanalwayschoosehowyouact. If youhavegoals togethealthier,whatyouneedtodoisusuallystraightforward.Pickaplantofollow,anyplanwilldo—and then 5- 4- 3- 2- 1-GO.The only thing youwill need to choose after that ischoosing each and every day toDO IT even though, asAnouk said, you “reallyreallyreallydon’tfeellikeit.”

I said that what you need to do is simple. I didn’t say it would be easy. Ipromiseyou,itwillbeworthit.Exerciseandhealthcomesdowntoonesimplerule—youdon’thavetofeellikeit.Youjusthavetodoit.

Gotheextramile.It’snevercrowded.

P

CHAPTERTEN

INCREASEPRODUCTIVITY

roductivitycanbeboileddowntooneword—FOCUS.Therearetwotypesof focus you need to master productivity: First the ability to manage

distractions so that you can focusmoment-to-moment on the task at hand, andsecond,theskilloffocusingonwhat’strulyimportanttoyouinthebigpicture,soyoudon’twasteyourdayonstupidstuff.

We’regoingtoexplorebothtypesoffocus,takealookatthelatestresearchonthesubject,andlearnhowtousethe#5SecondRuletomastertheskillsoffocusingyourtimeonwhat’smostimportantandmanagingdistractionswhentheypopup.

GetSeriousAboutManagingDistractions

Managingdistractions is like following throughonhealth goals.You’re nevergoing to feel like it; you justhave tomakeyourselfdo it.Youalreadyknow that

beingaddicted toyourphone, texting, andansweringemails is adistraction…butstoppingitfeelsimpossible.

Eventhoughyouknowyoushouldturnoffpop-upalerts,silenceyourphone,and stop checking email every fiveminutes, this knowledge doesn’t change yourbehavior. I could bury youwith research about how bad this is, but it wouldn’tchangeyourbehavior.Thisiswherethe#5SecondRulecomesintoplay—youdon’thavetowanttodoit,youjusthavetopushyourselftodoit.

Firstyoumustdecidethatdistractionsarenotgood.Interruptionsofanysortarethekissofdeathforyourproductivity.Researchshowsopenofficespacesareanightmare for focus. Checking email can become an addiction because of whatbehavioralresearcherscall“randomrewards.”Youhavetodecidethatyourgoalsaremoreimportantthanpushnotifications.It’sthatsimple.

Then you just remove them. I’mnotclaiming this is rocket science. I’malsonot going to tell you that it’s easy. But I promise you that if you use the#5SecondRule,you’llactuallydoit.Whenyoustarttoremovedistractionsandareabletofocusonthemoment-to-momentthingsthatmatteryouwillhave“noidea”howmuchitwillhelp,asKarenwrote:

Recently,Iwastalkingaboutthiswithmyhighschool-ageddaughterKendall.She loves socialmedia,butwould spend somuch timeonherphone that itwasseriouslydistractingherfromherschoolwork.Plus,itwasmakingherfeelinsecure

to constantly compare herself to the social media posts of celebrities and

supermodels.

Justlikeyouandme,sheknewthatsocialmediawasmakingherlessproductivewhen she needed to focus on homework. Kendall decided that the best way tomanagethedistractionofsocialmediawouldbetogetridofthetemptation—soshedeletedphotosharingappsInstagramandVSCOfromherphone.

Inherwords:

“Afterdeletingit,itdawnedonmehowunimportantthestuffistomylife.Whentheseappswereonmyphone,itwasaninvoluntaryactiontoclickonitandlook.Nowthattheappsaregone,Idon’thavetheurgetolookatitever.”

Anddistractionsarenotonlyintheformoftechnologyandsocialmedia.Sarahfoundthatherclutterwasamajordistractioninherlifeanddecidedtotakeaction.Sheused theRule tobeat “emotional”hoarding and5-4-3-2-1 and“donated,recycled,soldandalsotrashed”somuchstuff:

By clearing through her junk with five second decisions, Sarah now feels“amazing” and is no longer “bogged down.” So if you find yourself gettingdistractedlikeKendallwasbysocialmediaorSarahwasbyhersurroundings,that’sahugemomentofpower.You justwokeupandnow it’s time to shakeupyourenvironment.5-4-3-2-1.Removethedistraction.Itreallyisthatsimpleandtherewardsarepowerful.

The harder andmore powerful thing to do is to master the second type offocus:bigpicturefocus.There’sonethingthatI’veusedthe#5SecondRuletodothathasincreasedmybigpicturefocuslikenothingelse—beinga“boss”aboutmymornings.

OwnYourMornings

Takingcontrolofyourmorningsisagamechangerforproductivity.ThewayIdiditwastocreateamorningroutine.Alissafoundaftersheimplementedherownmorningroutine,shestartedto“rule”herdays:

JustasAlissasaid,whenyoucreateamorningroutineandfollow it,you“setyourintentions.”Andoverandover,you’lltriggerachainofeventsthatwillshock

you.

IowemymorningroutinetoDukeUniversityprofessorDanAriely.AccordingtoAriely,thefirsttwotothreehoursofthedayarethebesthoursforyourbrain,onceyoufullywakeup.So,ifyoupopoutofbedat6a.m.,yourpeakthinkingandproductivitywindowis6:30a.m.to9a.m.Andsoon.

Ifyourhouseholdisanythinglikeours,it’schaosmostmornings.Feedingthedog,gettingbreakfastready,andguidingthreeschool-readykidsoutthedoorcanchewupmore than anhour and cut into yourpeakproductivitywindow.That’swhyIhadtogetseriousaboutmymorningsifIplannedtobethebossofmyday—anditstartedwithgettingupearliersothatIhadtimetofocusonmybigpicturegoalsbeforethedayhijackedme.

Here’s how I changed my routine to become a master at focusing on mypriorities:

MyDailyRoutine

1.Igetupwhenthealarmrings.

Wewent over the importance of thiswhen you learned about theWakeUpChallenge.Thealarmrings. Igetup.Theend.Forpeakproductivity, youshouldNEVERhitthesnoozebutton.There’sactuallyaneurologicalreasonwhy,onethatIlearnedwhileconductingresearchforthisbook.

Youknowthatgettingagoodnight’ssleepisimportantforproductivity.ButIbet you didn’t know thathow youwake up is just as important as how yousleep.Scientistshaverecentlydiscoveredthatwhenyouhitthesnoozebuttonithasanegativeimpactonbrainfunctionandproductivitythatcanlastuptofourhours!Here’swhatyouneedtoknow.

Wesleepincyclesthattakeabout90to110minutestocomplete.Abouttwohoursbefore youwakeup, these sleep cycles end and yourbody starts to slowlypreparetowakeup.Whenyouralarmrings,yourbodyisinwakeupmode.Ifyouhit thesnoozebuttonanddriftbacktosleep,youforceyourbraintostartanewsleepcyclethatis90to110minuteslong.

Whenthe“snooze”alarmgoesoff15minuteslater,thecorticalregionofyourbrain, which is the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, attention,alertness,andself-control,isstillinthesleepcycle.Itwon’tbeabletosnapawake—itneeds75moreminutestofinishwhatthatsnoozebuttonstarted.

Itcantakeuptofourhoursforthis“sleepinertia”conditiontowearoffandforyourcognitivefunctionstoreturntotheirfullcapacity.That’swhyyoufeelsodarngroggywhenyougetupafterhittingthesnooze.It’snotbecauseyoudidn’tgetenoughsleep. It’sbecauseonceyouhit thesnoozebutton,youstartedanewsleepcycleandtheninterruptedit.Ondayswhenyouhitthesnoozebutton,there’snowayyou’reatyourbest.

So,I’mdeadseriousaboutthis.Thealarmgoesoff.Nosnoozebutton.Getup.Notnegotiable.

2.Iwalktothebathroomandturnoffthealarm.

MyhusbandandIdonothaveourphonesoralarmclocksinourbedroomoronournightstands.Whereismyphone?Inthebathroom.CloseenoughsoIcanhear thephone ring if someonecalls and the alarm ring in themorning.But, farenoughsoIdon’tfalltotemptation.Ifmyphoneisonthenightstand,Iwillgrabitwithout thinking and stay in bed reading emails. You know you’re guilty of thesame. If it’s in reach, it’seasy tograbwithout thinking.Amajorityofadults reademails before they get out of bed, and a recent study fromDeloitte reports thatone-thirdofadultsandone-halfofthoseundertheageof35actuallywakeupand

checktheirphones inthemiddleofthenight.Byputtingmyphone/alarminthebathroom,I’mmakingithardertosuccumbtothehabitofreachingformyphone,andIamsettingmyselfupforagoodnight’ssleep.

3.Ibrushmyteethandfocusonthedayahead.

Iusethe3to5minutesoftimethatIspendwashingmyfaceandbrushingandflossingmyteethtofocusmythoughtsonwhatI reallywantandneedtodoforMEandMYbig-picturegoals.This isnotato-dolist.This isa“must list.”It’samomentwhenIconsciouslycollectmythoughtsandthinkofoneortwothingsImight not feel like doing but that I must do today—for my goals, dreams, andbusiness growth. Researchers call these SMART goals (Specific, Measurable,Achievable, Realistic, Timely). I just call them two things that will guaranteeforwardprogressonthingsthatmattertome.It’susuallythe“crap”Idon’tfeellikedoing,justasMorphindescribed:

4.Igetdressed,makemybed,walkintothekitchen,andpouracupofcoffee.

Have younoticedwhat Ihaven’t done yet? Ihaven’t looked atmyphoneorgoneonlinetocheckemail.Why?BecauseIknowthatthesecondIdo,Iwilllosemy focus. The moment you check email, read the news or surf social media,someoneelse’sprioritiesjumpinfrontofyours.DoyouthinkthatBillGatesand

Oprah are lying in bed scrolling through social feeds?Nope, and neither shouldyou.Youmustputyourselffirst,sodonotcheckemailuntilyouplanYOURday.

5.Iwritedownmy1to3“musts”andwhytheyareimportant.

InmycheapodailyplannerthatIboughtatanofficesupplystore,Ijotdowntheone,two,orthreethingsthatIfeelImustdotoday—thatareforME.Therearea couple of reasons why this is an important step: one, because I am a visualperson, and two, according to research by Dominican University of CaliforniapsychologyprofessorDr.GailMatthews,bysimplywritingdownyourgoals,youare42%morelikelytoachievethem.

HavingthemwritteninmyplannermeansthatI’llseethemthroughoutthedayand be reminded to act. Having the “why” statement remindsme of why thesegoalsareimportantandgivesmeanaddedpush.

IfIputtheminmyelectroniccalendar,I’llforgetaboutit.Halfthetime,Iwalkintoaroomandcan’trememberwhatIwalkedinfor—soI“stalkmyselfwithmymusts” by keeping them written down. When they are in my planner, which issomethingthatIlookatthroughouttheday,I’mcuedvisually.Seeingmy“musts”remindsme to do these tasks.You can do this in a notebook, in your calendar,wherever—justwritethemdownandkeepthemwithyou,justlikeSharondoes:

6.Iplanmydayandtake30before7:30a.m.

Iplanandoftenexecutethemostimportant“musts”FIRST,beforeIcheckmyphoneorgoonlineandcheckemail. Ido thisusinga tool Icall“30before7:30a.m.”

Itake30minutesbefore7:30a.m.toplanoutmyday.Duringthistimeblock,IeitherstartworkingonmytwoorthreemustsorIscheduletimetogetthemdonelaterintheday.IfIamhome,Itrytostartthisplanningsessionat7:00a.m.whenthe last one of our kids leaves for the bus. These 30minutes are critical tomysuccess.

By settingup yourday tomake sure that you“focuson the right things,” asJeremydoes,youprimeyourselftobe“muchmoreproductive”andsuccessful inaccomplishingyourgoalsfortheday.

Theconceptof“30before7:30a.m.”cannotbedoneonceyouwalkintotheoffice.Youmustdothisathomeoratyourfavoritecoffeeshoporonthetrainorsitting inyourcar intheparking lot.I’mnotkidding.Themomentyouwalk intoyourofficeandanswerthatfirstemailortakethatfirstcall,yourdayisgone.

ProfessorSuneCarlssonstudiedhowCEOsgetsomuchaccomplished.Whatwas the secret of these high-powered executives? They worked at home for 90minutesbecause“therewassomechanceofconcentration.”Atwork,theyreportedbeinginterruptedevery20minutes.AndwhatdidItellyouaboutinterruption?It’sthekissofdeathtoproductivity.

Whyelseisitimportanttoplananddothemostimportantstufffirstthing?

Remember,asDr.Arielytoldus,thefirst2to3hoursofthedayarethebesthoursforthebraintofocusonthetasksorgoalsthatadvanceyourownpersonalorprofessionalgoals.Fillingthattimewithunimportantstuffisstupid.

Answering emails, taking phone calls, and sitting in meetings have a way oftakingoveryour scheduleand rarely lead tomakingmajor improvements inyourlife.Foryourownhappinessandtoprotectthetimenecessarytofocusonthedeepwork,thefirstfewhoursofyourdaymustbegrabbedbyyou,foryou.Fightforit.

Ifyouworkontwothingsyouconsiderimportant,youaremakingprogressonprojectsthatmatter—andarewinningthelonggame.

Wakingupearlyandplanningoutyourdayhashugebenefits.JustaskMari:

Byjumpstartinghismorningswithearlywakeups(nosnooze!),checklists,andrituals,hehasbeenabletotakecontrol,sethisprioritiesstraightandfindtimetostartworkingonanewbook.Ifollowedupafewweekslater,askingMarihowthemorningritualwasgoing:

That’samazing,Mari,day#54ofbeingaboss.Tonydidthesameandfoundhis“waybackintothegymeverymorningat5a!”:

Iknowit’shardtogetupthatearlyandgetrightintoaworkout,butwhenyou5-4-3-2-1tofindtheactivationenergytobeatthosefeelingsofresistance,younot only set yourself up to be the boss of your day, but you also activate yourgreatestself.

7.Iplanmyquittingtime.

Here’ssomethingelseIlearnedfromresearch.Inadditiontoplanningmyday,Ialsoplan the timeIwill stopworking.That’s right.Everyday,whenI startmyday, I determine what time I will stop working and hang out with my family.Havingadeadline forstoppingor redirectingdoes two things: itmakesmemoreintentionalwiththetimeIhaveandthatmakesmemoreproductive.

There’s a principle called Parkinson’s Law—work expands to whatever timeyougiveit.Sogiveyourworkdayadeadline.Adeadline is important forstaminaandmental health. It forces you to focus and be serious about taking the breakfromwork.It’sabreakthatweallneedtobepresentwithourfamiliesandgiveourbrains the time to rest, recharge,andreset that they require. I’mnotgoing to lie,I’vehad touse therule to forcemyself5-4-3-2-1 to turnoff thecomputer tostopworkingforthedaymoreoftenthanIwouldliketoadmit.

Usingthisdailyroutinehashelpedimmeasurably.ItishowIputmyprioritiesaheadofputtingoutdaily fires. I feelmore incontrolbecause Iownmyactionsfrom the moment the alarm rings. I have more clarity (which helps spotopportunities) because I’ve defined the 2-3 big picturemusts that willmovemygoalsforward.

If I notice myself detouring from my routine or getting distracted, that’s amomentofpower.IusetheRule,5-4-3-2-1togetbackontrack.Ofcourse,youcancreateanyroutinethatworks,butifyouarelookingforawaytostart,trymine.Lotsofpeoplehavefoundgreatsuccessaddingexercise,meditation,andgratitudeliststotheirmorningroutines.Roadtestthemalltoseewhatworksbestforyou.

What I’m telling you is simple, it’s obvious, and it works. Customize it so itworksforyou,butbyallmeans5-4-3-2-1todoit.Whenyoudotheworktobethebossofyourday,asChristiesays,it’sa“realgamechanger.”Shehasachievedthehighestrankinhercompanyandis“onfire.”

Nowit’syourturn.

Startbeforeyou’reready.Don’tprepare,begin.

T

CHAPTERELEVEN

ENDPROCRASTINATION

he#5SecondRuleisanincredibleweaponinthefightagainstprocrastination.Beforewedigintohowtouseit,weneedtodefineprocrastination,whatitis,

and what it isn’t. In researching this book, I was shocked when I learned whatcausesprocrastination.Ihaditallwrong!

Iwasalsosurprisedtolearntherearetwokindsofprocrastination:destructiveprocrastination, which is when you avoid tasks you need to complete, andproductiveprocrastination,whichisanimportantpartofanycreativeprocess.

Let’sstartwiththegoodkind.

ProductiveProcrastination

Ifyouareworkingonacreativeprojectoraninnovativeidea,researchshowsthatprocrastinationisnotonlygood,butitisalsoimportant.Thecreativeprocesstakestime,sowhenyousetaprojectasideforafewdaysorweeks,yourmindcan

wander.Thatextra timespentmentalwanderinggivesyoutheability tocomeup

withmorecreative,“divergent”ideasthatenhanceyourproject.

Productive procrastination was a hugely liberating concept for me to learn,especially while struggling to write this book. Before I learned about productiveprocrastination,IbeatmyselfupconstantlybecauseIkeptfeelingburntout,Ihadwriter’sblock,andIthoughtitmeantIwasabadwriter,lazy,orincapable.Intruth,acreativeprocessofthismagnitudejusttooktime.

Mymindneededbreaksandtimetowander.IttookmesevenmonthslongerthanIthoughtitwouldtofinishandthebookis100timesbetterforit.Ifyou’renot getting the results that youwant, give the project some time, go focus yourenergysomewhereelse,andthencomebacklaterwithfresheyes.

So,ifyouareworkingonacreativeproject,andyoudon’thaveafixeddeadline,it’snotprocrastinationifyouletyourworksitforafewweekssoyoucanletyoumind wander. It’s the creative process. Those fresh new ideas you have as youprocrastinateproductivelywillmakeyourworkevensmarter.

DestructiveProcrastination

Destructiveprocrastination is an entirelydifferent animal. It’swhenwe avoidtheworkweneedtogetdoneandknowtherewillbenegativeconsequences.Thishabitreallycomesbacktobiteyouintheend.

Every one of us has a pile of stuffwe can’t seem to get to: updating photoalbums,analyzingaspreadsheet,finishingaproposal,cleaningoutDad’shouse,orplowingthrougha to-do list thatwouldgrowyourbusiness.It’sanythingthatwefindourselvesdeliberatelyavoidingthatreallyneedstogetdone.

Evelynfoundherselfprocrastinatingandbeatingherselfup:“Ihavequestionedeverything about myself for years.” She put the Rule into effect and it’s been

“AMAZING.”

Once she discovered 5- 4- 3- 2- 1-GO, Evelyn was able to push past herquestioningandjustgotthingsdone,impressingevenherself.

Sheprobablydidn’tknowwhyshewasprocrastinating.Mostofusdon’t.Foralongtime,everyonebelievedprocrastinationmeantpoortimemanagementskills,alackofwillpower,orlackofself-discipline.Boy,werewewrong.Procrastinationisnotaformoflazinessatall.It’sacopingmechanismforstress.

ProcrastinationandtheConnectiontoStress

Timothy Pychyl, a psychology professor at Carleton University, has beenstudyingprocrastinationformorethan19years.Dr.Pychylhasfoundthatthemainthing driving procrastination is not avoiding work. It’s avoiding stress.Procrastination is“asubconsciousdesire tofeelgood rightnow”soyoucanfeelalittlestressrelief.

Acommonmistakeweallmakeisthinkingthatpeoplemakeadeliberatechoiceto procrastinate. In fact, most people who struggle with procrastination tellresearchers that they feel like they have no control over it. And they are right,becausetheydon’tunderstandtherealreasonwhyweprocrastinate.

We procrastinate because we feel stressed out. Here’s the catch…you aren’tstressed about the work. You are stressed about the bigger stuff: money,relationshipproblems,or life ingeneral.Whenyoublowoffworkorstudyingfor15minutesofonlineshoppingorwatchingthehighlightsoflastnight’sgame,youaretakingaministress-breakfromthebiggerstressyoufeeloverall.

It’s like emotional eating for themind.When you avoid something that feelshard,yougetasenseofrelief.Plus,whenyoudosomethingyouenjoy,likesurfingFacebookorlaughingatviralvideos,yougetashort-termboostofdopamine.Themoreoftenthatyouprocrastinate,themorelikelyyou’llrepeatthebehavior.Here’stheproblem:Whileyougetasmallboostofreliefwhenyouwatchcatvideos,overtimetheworkthatyouareavoidingbuildsandthatcreatesmorestressinyourlife.

Scott isanexcellentexampleofthis.Hewrotetomebecausehewantedhelp“gettingout of his ownhead.”He shared that everyone close tohimhas alwayssaid,“I’mtheonlythingthatisholdingmeback.”Andtheyareright.

Scott isaPhDstudentperformingresearchinaphysiology lab,he ismarried,andheandhiswifejusthadtheirfirstchildwhois“themostbeautifulbabyboy.”Hedescribedhislifelikethis:

“EverythingathomeisincredibledespitelotsoffinancialstresswhichwouldbeexpectedconsideringthatI’minschool.Myissueisthatinmydailylife,andbranchingintoschool/labwork,Ihavetroublefulfillingobligations which is starting to become a problem.Basically I put things off continuously until itreachesthepointwhereI’veeithermissedadeadlineoritupsetssomeone.

Ihaveveryhighexpectations formyself and I literally go to sleepeverynight tellingmyself thattomorrow is going tobe that fresh start that Ineed and I’mgoing to tackle everythingwith tonsofenergy.ButthenIfaildayafterdayandthatconfidenceinovercomingthisbymyselfisstartingtofade.BasicallyIdon’tfeellikeI’mlivinganywherenearmyfullpotentialandit’sfrustrating.”

ReadingScott’snote,youcanseethathe’strappedinaviciouscycleoffeelingdisappointed in himself. I can totally relate because that’s how I felt as I wasstrugglingtogetoutofbedontime.Scottknowswhatheneedstodo(attacktheworkandgetitdone),buthecan’tseemtomakehimselfdoit.

Scott’s note givesme a chance to explainwhat’s actually goingonwhen youprocrastinate.Hetoldusthatheandhiswifeareunder“alotoffinancialstress.”Thatfinancialstressdoesn’tfeelgood.Italsoexplainsthereasonwhyheprocrastinatesto get temporary relief from themoney stress. Remember that whenwe replacedifficulttaskswithdoingsomethingeasier,wegetatemporarymoodboostandafeelingofcontrol.

Itseemscounterintuitive,butthereasonwhyScottkeepsblowingoffthestuffheneedstodoatthelabisbecausehewantsrelieffromthefinancialstresshefeelsinhislife.

Sohowonearthdoeshestopthis?Luckily,there’sthreesimpleandresearch-backedsteps.And,the#5SecondRulewillhelpyou5-4-3-2-1dothem.Whetheryouareavoidingwork likeScott,cleaning likeEvelyn,orexercising like@JLossooncewas,youcanusetheRuletobeatprocrastinationeverytime.

ForgiveYourself

Thefirstthingresearchtellsus:youneedtoforgiveyourselfforprocrastinating.Seriously.Thisisn’tKumbaya—thisisscience.

Remember our expert from Carleton University? Dr. Pychyl co-authored apaper about how students who forgave themselves for procrastinating were lesslikelytoprocrastinateontheirnexttest.Soundssilly,butpartoftheproblemthatpsychologistshaveuncoveredisthatprocrastinatorsarereallyhardonthemselvestobeginwith.

Trishkefoundthataftershewasabletoforgiveherself,shechangedherlife.

Insteadofbeatingherselfup,she’snolongerprocrastinating.Amazing!

Youmay also relate toRyan,whowrote tome aboutbeing in thebeginningstagesofstartinganewbusiness.Hesaidthatasmuchashewantsthisventuretowork,“itamazesmehowharditistoforcemyselftospend(timeonit)andactuallydoitduetothefearoffailure.”

Ilovewhathesaidattheend:“Winorlose,atleastI’mdoingsomething!”Ittakesalotofbraverytobeabletogethonestwithyourselfandadmithowharditistofocusonwhatyouneedtodo.

AnotherperfectexampleisourPhDstudentinthelab,Scott.Rememberwhathe wrote? He said he has “very high expectations for myself.” Every time heprocrastinates he feels shame and guilt. Those negative feelings then create evenmorestressforScottashis“confidenceinovercomingthisbymyselfisstartingtofade,”whichcauseshimtofeelevenmorestressandprocrastinateevenmore.

So,let’sapplythisadvicetoScott.Stepnumberone,stopthecyclebyforgivingyourself. Scott, you’ve got to take five seconds, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 forgive yourself forupsettingpeople,fallingbehind,andnotworkingtoyourfullpotential.Ifyoucanrecognizethatyourstressaboutfinancesaredrivingtheprocrastinationatthelab,nowyou’vegotachancetoassertyourselfandtakecontrol.Bytheway,youwanttotakecontrolsoyoucanachieveyourgoals.Andthatpersonyouhopetobecomecanhelpyourightnow.

ThatleadsustoStep2.

WhatWouldtheFutureYouDo?

Allowmetoexplain.Dr.Pychyl’steamhasbeendoingalotofresearchonour“presentself”versusour“futureself.”Our“futureself”isthepersonthatwewantto become. Interestingly, research proves thatwhen you can picture the “FutureYou,” it gives you the objectivity to push yourself in the present moment. Inexperimentswhenresearchersshowpeopletheirownpicturesdigitallyaged,they’remore likely to save for retirement. I guess that’s an explanation for why visionboardswork. They help you envision the FutureYou and that is a great copingmechanismforthestressyouexperiencetodayasthePresentYou.So,Scott,createa vision board or amental image ofwhat your life looks likewhen all this gradschool stress is behind you and you are Professor Scott. The moment you feelyourselfprocrastinating,justaskyourself,Whatwould“ProfessorScott”do?

ThisleadsustoStep3.

GetStartedwiththe#5SecondRule

Finally,onceyouunderstandthesourceofprocrastination,Dr.Pychyl’sfavoriteadviceis,“Justgetstarted.”He’snottheonlyonetalkingabouttheimportanceof

starting. One of the most powerful ways to create new habits, according toresearchers,isto“createastartingritual.”There’snobetterstartingritualthanthe#5SecondRule.Now that I understand the science of all this, I can explainwhy“justgetstarted”works.

Ifprocrastinatingisahabit,youhavetoreplacethebadbehaviorpattern(avoidance)withanewpositiveone(gettingstarted).

Themomentyoufeelyourselfhesitate,doingeasiertasks,oravoidinghardwork,usetheRule,5-4-3-2-1pushyourselftostarttheimportantthingyouneedtodo.

GettingstartedtakesusbacktoourengineeratCISCOandtheconceptofa“locusofcontrol.”Procrastinationmakesyoufeellikeyouhavenocontroloveryourself.Whenyouassertyourselfandjustgetstarted,youaretakingcontrolofthemomentandyourlife.

Danielafeels“empowered”and“capable”whensheputstheRuleintopractice,showingus that thebenefitsofbeatingprocrastination expandbeyondwork andintothemoreimportantareasofimproving“myrelationshipwithmyself.”

AsIexplainthroughoutthebook,exertingeffortwith5-4-3-2-1switchesthegears inyourmindandallows theprefrontalcortex tohelpyougetstarted.EachtimeyouusetheRule,it’llgeteasierandeasiertostopprocrastinatingandjuststart.JustasSyfoundout, tellingyourself to“justmakethecall, replytheemail, finishthestupidjob…”andstartisthesecrettocompletinganythingimportant:

Eventhoughshedoesn’t likedoingit,she’sformedthehabitoftakingactionanyway—andhascompletedahugeprojectwiththismindsetandwill“getwhatIwant.”

InScott’scase,backinthelab,hecanusetheRuletocountdown5-4-3-2-1and push himself towork for a short interval of time.Now that he realizes thesourceofhisprocrastination (financial stress),hehas forgivenhimself (extremelyimportantstep).AndonceheispicturingthefutureDr.Scott,hecanstartcountingtoassert control,physicallymove tohisdesk, andbeginworking.Whenhe finds

himselfgettingofftrack,hecancountdown5-4-3-2-1again.TheRulemakesit

easiertojustGETGOING,somethingthatwillhelpScottgaincontrolofhisworkandfeelbetterequippedtodealwithhisotherfinancialstressesheadon.

Andre also used the Rule to push past procrastination and act on his goals.Andreis16yearsold,buthe’salreadylearninghowtobeatprocrastinationandisstartingtowriteabook!Hesaidthathealwayshadexcuses:thathewasn’t“ready,toobusy,notsmartenough.”TheRulehelpedhimto“getpastthoseexcuses”andnowheistakingactiononhisbook.

Andreshowsusthatatanyageandwithanygoalwehavethepowertoownourselves, look inside, take “a step,” try “something,” and“changemy life.”Thereasonwhyjuststartingissoimportantisbecauseyou’llalsobetappingintowhatresearchers call “the progress principle,” which describes the phenomenon that

forwardprogressofanykind,includingsmallwins,boostsourmoodandincreases

ourhappinessandproductivitylevels.

Ontopofthat,onceyoustartaproject,you’llhavetriggeredamechanisminyourbraintocueyoutokeepatit.AsImentionedearlierresearchershavefoundoutthatthebrainremembersunfinishedtasksbetterthanfinishedones.Onceyoustart,yourmindwillkeepnudgingyoutofinish.

Ialsotoldyouthatmysnoozebuttonhabitwasaformofprocrastination.NowIunderstandwhy.Itgavememomentaryrelieffromthelargerstressesinmylife.That’swhyIhitit.WhenIreflectback,IseenowthatIbrokethehabitbycreatinga“startingritual”—the#5SecondRule.Mysnoozebuttonhabitgotreplacedwithapositivenewone:counting5-4-3-2-1andthenstandingupandstartingtheday.Sevenyears later,Istillcountbackwardsto launchmyselfoutofbedeverysinglemorning.

So,insum,here’showyoucanmosteffectivelyusethe#5SecondRuletobeatprocrastination: use it to make yourself start. Start small. Attack what you areavoiding for just 15minutes at a time. Then, take a break and watch a few catvideos.Andforcryingoutloud,giveyourselfabreakforblowingthingsoffuntilnow.You’reonlyhuman.

Allofthisstuffiscommonsense.Youeattheelephant(intheroom)onebiteatatime.Whatwearelearningoverandoverinthisbookisthatunlessyoubeatthefeelingsthattriggeryourbadhabits,andyoupushyourselfto justgetstarted,you’llneverchange.

You’lleitherfindawayoryou’llfindanexcuse.

PART4

COURAGECHANGESYOURMIND

I

HOWTOBECOMETHEHAPPIESTPERSONYOUKNOW

nthenextthreechapters,you’lllearnthestep-by-stepapproachtohowyoucanuse the #5SecondRule in combination with some recent research-based

strategiestobeatfear,stopworrying,manageorcureanxiety,andchangethewayyouthink.

Ifyou’veseenmeonTVasacommentatorforCNNorreadmycolumns inSUCCESSmagazine, it’seasytoassumethatIwasbornwiththeconfidenceofawarrior. That assumption only gets strengthened when you watch my YouTubevideos,myTEDxTalk,orexperiencemeliveonstage.Yes,Iamconfidentnow,but I was not born this way. For most of my adult life, I was a loud-mouthedextrovertwhowasplaguedbydeepinsecurity.ConfidenceisaskillI’vebuiltovertheyearsbypracticingactsofeverydaycourage.

Whatalotofpeopledon’tknowaboutmeisthatIhavesufferedfromanxietyformore than twenty-five years. I had debilitating post-partum depressionwhenourfirstdaughterSawyerwasbornandIcouldn’tbeleftalonewithherforthefirsttwo months. I have taken Zoloft to control my panic attacks for nearly twodecades.Thestrugglewithmythoughtshasbeenrealand,attimes,terrifying.

When I first discovered theRule, I used it to changemybehavior.TheRuleworkedwonders, andas actingwith everyday couragebecame secondnature,myconfidence grew stronger. However, anxiety never disappeared. It was theresimmeringbeneath the surface. I focusedon learning to livewith it,managing it,andmakingsureIdidn’tletitboiloverintofullblownpanic.

Aboutfouryearsago,IstartedtowonderifIcouldusethe#5SecondRuletochangemorethanmyphysicalbehavior.IwonderedifIcouldchangemythoughts.Ihadseentheeffects ithadonotherhabits—sowhynottrytobreakthementalhabitofanxiety,panic,andfear?Theyarepatternsthatwerepeatafterall.Theyarejusthabits.

I startedusing theRule tochange theway thatmymindworked. IbeganbyusingtheRuletobreakthehabitofworrying.AsImasteredthatskill,IusedtheRuletocontrolmyanxietyandbeatmyfearofflying.Itworked.

As I write this sentence, I can tell you—I have cured myself of anxiety. Ihaven’ttakenZoloftinyearsandampanicattack-free.Inolongerhaveahabitofworrying.Andmyfearofflying?Gone.Learningtotakecontrolofmymind,directmythoughts,anddismantlefearhasbeenthesinglegreatestthingIhaveeverdoneto improvethequalityofmy life.Ialmostneverfeelworried.AndtheraretimesthatIdo,Ijust,5-4-3-2-1anddirectmymindtowardsthesolutionsratherthanworryingabouttheproblems.IhavetransformedmymindusingtheRuleandIamthehappiestandmostoptimisticthatIhaveeverbeen.Mymindisworkingformeinsteadofagainstme.

Now,it’syourturn.

First,you’lllearnhowtobreaktheaddictiontoworryingandnegativeself-talkusingthe#5SecondRule,thescienceofhabits,andthepowerofgratitude.

Second,you’lldiveintothesubjectofanxietyandpanic.You’lllearnwhatitisandwhat it isn’t. And I will give you the step-by-stepmethod for how you caninterrupt,reframe,andeventuallyeliminateanxietyfromyourownlife.

Finally,you’lllearnaprovenstrategyforhowyoucanbeatanyfear.Usingmyfear of flying as an example, you’ll learn how to use the Rule with “anchorthoughts”topreventfearfromtakingoveryourmind.

Everythingyouareabouttolearnissosimpleandpowerfulthatyoucaneventeachittoyourkids.

Lifeisamazing.

Andthenit’sawful.

Andthenit’samazingagain.

Andinbetweentheamazingandtheawful,

it’sordinaryandmundaneandroutine.

Breatheintheamazing,holdonthrough

theawful,andrelaxandexhale

duringtheordinary.That’sjustliving.

Heartbreaking,soul-healing,amazing,

awful,ordinarylife.Andit’s

breathtakinglybeautiful.

-LRKnost

M

CHAPTERTWELVE

STOPWORRYING

ore than any other change, ending your habit ofworryingwill create thesinglebiggestpositiveimpactinyourlife.Believeitornot,youweretaught

how toworry.As a kid, you heard your parentsworrying constantly “Be careful,”“Wearahatoryou’llcatchacold,”and“Don’tsitsoclosetotheTV.”Asadults,wespendwaytoomuchtimeandenergyworryingaboutthingsthatwecan’tcontrolorthatcould go wrong.When you get to be near the end of your life, you’ll wish youhadn’t.

Dr.KarlPillemerisaprofessorofHumanDevelopmentatCornellUniversityandisthefounderoftheLegacyProject.Hehasmetwith1,200seniorcitizenstodiscussthemeaningof life.Hewas“shocked”to learnthatmostpeopleneartheend of their lives had the same regret: I wish I hadn’t spent somuch ofmylifetimeworrying.Theiradvicewas“devastatinglysimpleanddirect:worry isanenormouswasteofyourpreciousandlimitedlifetime.”

Youcanstopworrying.Andthe#5SecondRulewillteachyouhow.Worryingisadefaultsettingthatyourmindgoestowhenyouaren’tpayingattention.Thekeyiscatchingyourselfwhenyoudrift intoworry,andthenregainingmentalcontrolbyusingtheRule.Here’sanexample.

Myhusbandrecentlygothismotorcycle licenseand justboughtasmall,usedmotorcycle.Yesterday,Iwassitting insidethehouseandnoticedhimonthebikepullingoutof thedriveway.Ashedrovedown the road, Inoticed thatmymindimmediatelystartedtodrifttowardworry.

I startedworryingaboutwhetherornothewouldgethitby a car,becomeastatistic,andifIwouldsoongetacallfromthepolicetellingmethathe’sbeeninanaccident.Theworryhijackedmewithinfiveseconds.Thatfast.Andyouknowwhat?Myworryingaboutitwon’tkeephimsafeanditwon’tpreventanaccident.Asone83-year-old in the study said,myworrying“won’t solveanything.” ItwilljustputmeonedgefortheentiretimeChrisisoutridinghismotorcycle—whichrobsmeofenjoyingthepresentmoment.

AssoonasIcatchmyselfworrying,IusetheRule,5-4-3-2-1andIthinkofsomethingmorepositive—like the thoughtofhimsmilingashedrivesdown theroad.

Thefunnything is thatChris isalsoahugecyclist.Hecompetes in triathlonsandisoutontheroadtaking40to50miletrainingridesbyhimselfallthetime.Ineverworryaboutthat.ButhereIamworryingaboutthemotorcycleheisdrivingdown our road at 10 miles per hour. Could something go wrong? Of course itcould.Butitusuallydoesn’t.

WhenyoustarttousetheRuletoendworrying,you’llbeamazedbyhowoftenyourmindjustdriftstosomethingnegative.Minedoesiteveryday.Itreallysucks.Andeachday,Ifightagainstit.TherearesomedaysthatIhavetousetheRulea

dozenormore times to controlmy thoughts. Just theother day I caughtmyself

driftingintoworryoverandoveragain.

OurdaughterswerereturninghomefromaservicetripinPeruandthroughoutthe day, I caughtmymind drifting to thoughts of plane crashes, missed flights,fallingoffacliffintheAndes,busaccidents,lostbags,andthegirlsbeingstrandedat the airport.Thegirlswere fine, andwithout theRule Iwouldhave ruinedmyday.EachtimeIcaughtmyminddriftingtoabadthought,Iwouldsaytomyself“ohnoyoudon’t…”and justpoint it toa thought thatmademesmile—like thegirlstalkingamillionmilesanhourthatnightinthekitchenastheytoldusaboutthetrip.

FeelingsofLoveOftenTriggerWorry

Another thing that has surprisedme aboutworry is just how subtle it is andhow fast it can seize control of you. I’ve been surprised by howoften I start toworrythemomentthatIfeelhappinessorlove.

Thisspring,ithappenedtomeasIwaslookingatour17-year-olddaughter.Ihad this incrediblemomentwhenmyheart just suddenly swelled up and I felt atidal wave of love wash over me. And then, without warning, all these worriesfloodedintomymindandstolethemoment.AllIfeltwasfear.

Wewereatthemall.Sawyerwastryingondressesforherhighschoolprom.Ithadbeena longafternoon.Wewereonour thirddress store, and shehadeasilytriedonmorethan40dresses—andshehatedeverylastoneofthem.Tellinghershelookedamazingonlymadehermoodworse.

Iwasinthedressingroomwithher,puttingtherejectsbackonthehangersandhandingherthenextgowntotryon.Istartedpanickingthatwe’dneverfindonethatsheliked.Ihandedheranotheronetotryonandsaid,“Let’sjustbangthrough

thesenextthreeandthengetoutofhere.”Isteppedoutofthedressingroomto

givehersomespaceandcalledChris.

Suddenlyshecalledouttome,“Mom.Canyoucomeinhere?”

Itriedtoreadhervoicebutcouldn’ttell ifshewascrying,frustrated,needinghelpwithastuckzipper,orsomethingelse.Icrackedopenthedoor.ShehadonafloorlengthgownandIcouldseeherreflectioninthemirrorandshelooked,inaword, stunning. Itwasperfect.Thedresswaspeachandhadbeautiful flowysidepanelsthatwerepink.Itwaseverythingshehadwanted—nosparkles,nolace,anopenback,andabrightcolor.Oureyescaughtinthemirror.

“Whatdoyouthink,Mom?”

Icouldfeelthetearscoming.Whenshewasaninfant,Irememberexperiencingthatsametidalwaveofemotionthatcanwashoveryouwhenyoulovesomeonesomuch. In themiddle of the night, I’dwake up to go check in onher, and therestandingaloneinhernursery,watchinghersleeponherbackwithherarmsraisedupaboveherhead,I’dgethitwiththistidalwaveoflove—andjustmarvelatmyabilitytolovesomethingsomuch.Itfeltlikemyheartmightburst.

That’swhatIfeltstandingoutsidethedressingroominthemall.Ijustfeltlove.Andthen,theworriesrushedinandstolethemomentfromme.Withoutwarning,Iwasthinkingaboutherheadingofftocollege,gettingmarried,beinganewmom,livingfarawayfromme,timepassing,gettingolder,andmylifebeingover.Mylifeflashedbeforeme.Timewasracingbyandforafleetingmoment,IfeltIwaslosingher.Ifeltoverwhelmedwithsadnessandlossandmyeyesswelledwithtears.

Sawyersawmegettingemotional,andthoughtitwasbecauseofthedress.“Ah,Mom.Don’tcry.You’llmakemecry.”ButIwascryingbecauseofhowscaredIwas to see her grow up. I was crying because time was passing too fast and Iwantedlifetoslowdown.Worryrobbedmeofallthejoyinthatmoment.Ittook

me away from Sawyer and into a dark place in my head. Instead of just beingpresentandinaweofmybeautifuldaughter,Ifeltafraid.

That’s howworries and fearhijack yourmind and rob youof themagic andwonderinyourlife.BrenéBrownobservedthisexactphenomenoninherresearchfor her best-sellerDaringGreatly. She found that feeling a worst-case scenario inmoments of joy (such as not being able to enjoy a hugwith your childwithoutworrying about something bad happening to him) is an amazingly commonphenomenon.Andwhyisitsohardforustosoftenintojoy?“Becausewe’retryingtobeatvulnerabilitytothepunch,”saysDr.Brown.

When yourmind takes you somewhere sad, dark, doubtful, or negative, youdon’thavetogowithit.IlovewhatHeinwrotetome:“99.999%ofthetime,ithasalwaysbeenafakerealitythatIhadcreatedinmyhead.”

When you find your inner voice becoming an “enemy,” asHein and I haveexperienced, it’s important to “stop worrying” and recognize that in those 5seconds,youcanreclaimcontrol.

I started tosilentlycounting tomyself,“5-4-3-...”andas Icounted, Icouldfeel the fear lowering inside by body. Counting yankedme out ofmy head andplantedme in thepresentmoment. It switchedgears fromworry to focus. Iwasnotgoing to letmybrain robmeof thisexperiencewithmydaughter. Iwasnotgoing to allow the habit ofworrying to derailme frombeing in the present andtakingamentalphotograph.

ThenIaskedmyselftwosimplequestions:“WhatamIgratefulforinthismoment?Whatdo Iwant to remember?”Whenyouask that simplequestion, you impact yourbrainatabiologicallevel.Inordertorespondyouhavetotakestockofyourlife,relationships,andworkandsearchforananswerinthemoment.

Itforcesyoutofocusonthepositiveaspectsofyourlife.Assoonasyouthinkaboutwhatyouaregratefulfor,you’llstartfeelinggratefulinsteadofworried.Theanswer to thequestionwasclear tome.Iwasgrateful tohavesuchan incredibleyoungwomanasmydaughter.Andafterthreehoursofdrama,Iwasalsogratefulshefoundadress.

KatieisalsousingtheRuletoreflectonwhatsheisgratefulforandtocontrolherworries:

“Nothing”inlifeisperfect.Nothingatall.Butyoucanuse5-4-3-2-1toquietthe mental chatter and learn to appreciate all of the small moments like feelinggratefulforyourdaughter.

Feelinggratefuldoesn’tjustfeelgood.AccordingtoneuroscientistAlexKorb,it changes your brain chemistry by activating the brainstem region that produces

dopamine. With my worries gone, I took a deep breath and stepped into the

dressingroomtomoveclosertoherandputmyhandonhershoulder.Oureyesmetinthemirror.

“Well?Whatdoyouthink,Mom?”

“IthinkLukeisgoingtohaveaheartattack.Youlookabsolutelygorgeous.”

It’sokaytobescared.Beingscaredmeansyou’reabouttodosomethingreally,reallybrave.

A

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

ENDANXIETY

nxiety iswhathappenswhenyourhabitofworryingspiralsoutofcontrol.Asalifelonganxietysufferer,Iknowalltoowellthegripitcanholdonyou

andhowscaryitcanfeel.Ialsoknowhowtobeatit.Usingthe#5SecondRuleincombinationwithastrategycalled“reframing”istheanswer.

The key to beating anxiety is understanding it. If you can catch it right as itkicksinandreframeit,you’llstabilizeyourthoughtsbeforeyourmindescalatesitintofullblownpanic.Andovertime,asyouusethe#5SecondRuleoverandover,your anxietywillweaken and becomewhat it started—out as simpleworries.Asyoujustlearned,thehabitofworryiseasytobreak.

I think I was born anxious. As a child, my parents said I had a “nervousstomach” and I worried about everything. I was that kid at camp who was sohomesickshehadtogohomeearly.Asacollegestudent,myfacewouldturnasredasatomatowhenIgotcalledon.IreliedonliquidcouragetotalktohotguysatpartiesbecausewithoutalcoholI’dgetstresshivesonmyneck.

The panic attacks started in my early twenties, when I began law school. Apanicattackfeels likeyou’reabouttohaveaheartattackandcanhappenfortworeasons:one,becauseyouhavesomethingscary todo(publicspeaking, facinganex,gettingonairplane),ortwo,fornoreasonatall.

If you’ve never had a panic attack, here’s the bestway to describe them: it’swhen your mind and body have a “near miss” experience that’s totally out ofcontext.Allowmetoexplainusingareallysimpleanalogy.

NormalPanicvs.PanicAttacks

There will be tons of times in your life when you will panic and it will becompletelynormal.Let’ssayyouaredrivingacarandareabouttochangelanesonthehighway.Suddenly,outofnowhere, acar racesbyyouandcutsyouoff, youswervetogetoutofthewaybuttheynearlymissyou.Whena“nearmiss”happensonthehighwayyoufeelasurgeofadrenalineracethroughyourbody.Yourheartraces.Yourbreathspeedsup.Yourcortisolsurges.Yourbodygoesintoastateofhyper-alertness so you can take control of the car. You might even get a littlesweaty.

As soon as your body freaks out, it triggers yourmind to find a reasonwhyyour body is so agitated. In this example on the highway, your brain knows youalmostgotinacarcrashandthat’swhyyourbodyfreakedout.

When your mind has an explanation for why your body just freaked out, itwon’tescalatetheanxiety.Yourmindwillallowyourbodytocalmdownbecauseitknows the“danger”haspassed.Your lifewillgoback tonormal,andyou’llbealittlemorecautiouswhenyouchangelanesnexttime.

When you have a panic attack, that same “nearmiss” sensation rushes yourmind and body, without any warning and with no preceding event. You’ll bestandinginyourkitchen,pouringacupofcoffeeandoutofnowhereyouhaveasuddensurgeofadrenalineracethroughyourbody just likewhathappenedwhenthatcarnearlymissedyouonthehighway.

Yourheart races.Yourbreath speedsup.Youmightget a little sweaty.Yourcortisol surges. Your body goes into a state of hyper awareness.Now that yourbodyisinanarousedstate,yourmindisgoingtoracetotryunderstandwhy.Ifyoudon’t have a legitimate reason why, your mind will think youmust be in actualdanger.Yourmindwill goprehistoricon you and escalate the fear, thinking thatdangerisimminent.

Asyourheartstartstorace,yourmindracesforanexplanationsoitcanmakesenseofwhat’shappeningtoyourbodyanddecidehowtoprotectyou.MaybeI’mhavingaheartattack.MaybeIdon’twanttogetmarriednextmonth,afterall.MaybeI’mgettingfired…maybeI’mdying.

Ifyourmindcan’tfindasuitableexplanation,yourbrainwillmaketheanxietyworsesothatyouwillwanttophysicallyrunawayfromthesituationandleavetheroom.Ifyou’veeverseensomeonehaveapanicattack,theyfreakout,dartaround,have scattered thoughts, a “deer in the headlights” look, and suddenly “have toleavetheroom.”It’saviciouscycleandoneIwastrappedinforyears.

Foralongtime,Iunderstoodneitherthedifferencebetweennormalpanicandpanicattacks,northerolethatmymindwasplayinginescalatingmyanxiety.Iwenttotherapistsandtriedallkindsofcognitivetechniquestotrytostopmyselffrompanicking.ItgotsobadthatIbecameafraidofthepanicattacksthemselves,andthatfear,ofcourse,justmademehavemorepanicattacks.

Finally, I just medicatedmyself with Zoloft (a miracle drug). Zoloft workedwondersforme—foralmosttwodecades.Andifyouareinaholeyoucan’tclimb

out of, get professional help (and possibly drugs). While not a substitute fortherapy,theycanbelifechanging.

IassumedthatIwouldjusttakeZoloftfortherestofmylife.Andthenwehadkidsandallthreeofthemstartedtostrugglewiththeirownformofanxiety.Itwasbeyondmereworrying.Theanxietywasimpactingtheirlives—theystoppeddoingsleepovers,sleptonthefloorofourbedroom,andwereworriedabouteverything.Oakleycalledhispanickystate“Oliver”andourdaughterSawyercalledheranxietya“What-ifLoop.”Sheonceturnedtomeandsaid:

“It’slikethere’sthis“What-ifLoop”inmyheadandonceIstartthinkingaboutallthe“What-ifs”Igetstuckthinkingaboutallthe“What-ifs”andIcan’tgetoutofitbecausetherearealways“What-ifs.”

Iknewhowscaryitwastosufferfromit,anditwasdownrightheartbreakingtoseeourkidsstrugglingandafraid.Itwasveryeye-openingandfrustratingtryingtohelpthemdealwiththeiranxietybecausenothingworked.Wewenttospecialistsand tried all kindsof techniques.We setupgameswithprizes for them to“facetheirfears.”Itjustseemedtogetworse.

IcameoffZoloftsoIcouldfacemyownanxietyheadonwithoutthehelpofdrugs.Iwantedtounderstand itbetterandfigureouthowtobeat it—soIcouldhelpmykidsfigureoutwaystobeattheirs.Here’swhatIlearned.

TryingToCalmDownDoesNotWork

I’vespentcountlesshourswiththerapistswhohavetoldmeandthekidstojust“changethechannel”andthinkaboutsomethingelse.Thatworksifyouaremerelyworried, but on its own, that strategy doesn’t work for full-blown anxiety. Andthere’s a reason.When you feel anxious, you are in a state of physical agitation.Whenyoutellapersontocalmdown,youareaskingsomeonetogofrom60mph

to0mph.It’sliketryingtostopafreighttrainbythrowingaboulderinfrontofit;

it’lljumpthetracks.

A study in the journal Behavior Research and Therapy showed that people whonaturally try to suppress their unwanted thoughts end up beingmore distressed by saidthoughts.That’s right,whenyou try to tellyourself to justcalmdown,youmakethe anxietyworsebecause you are fighting against it!When youunderstandhowpanicworks,whatitis,andtheroleyourbrainhasinmakingitworse,youcanbeatit.

There are two strategies that work incredibly well together: Using the#5SecondRuletoassertcontroloveryourmindandthenreframingtheanxietyasexcitement so that your brain doesn’t escalate it and your body can calm down.Here’showyoudoit.

ExcitementandAnxietyFeeltheSameInYour

Body

Ifirstusedthis“reframingstrategy”asapublicspeaker.IgetalotofquestionsaboutpublicspeakingandspecificallyhowdidIgetovermyfearsandnervesaboutpublicspeaking.Myansweralwayssurprisespeople: Ihavenevergottenovermyfearsandnerves;Ijustusethemtomyadvantage.

I speak for a living. A lot. In 2016, I was named the most-booked femalespeaker in America—98 keynotes in one year. Amazing. Do I get nervous?Absolutely.Everysingletime.Buthere’sthetrick:Idon’tcall it“nerves.”Icall it“excitement” because physiologically anxiety and excitement are the exactsamething.Letmesaythatagain.Fearandexcitementaretheexactsamethinginyourbody.Theonlydifferencebetweenexcitementandanxietyiswhatyourmind

callsit.Likethe“nearmiss”example.Ifyourbrainhasagoodexplanationforwhyyourbodyisfreakingout,itwon’tescalatethings.

ThefirsttimeIeverreallygavealegitimatespeechwasthatTEDxTalkinSanFrancisco.IrememberstandingbackstagelisteningtoonePhDafteranotherPhDgive their talks, thinking to myself, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever gottenmyself into.Iamgoingtosoundlikeacompletemoroncomparedtothesesmartpeople.”

Mypalmsweresweaty.Myheartwasracing.Myfacewashot.Myarmpitsweredripping likeNiagara Falls.My bodywas preparing forACTION! Itwas gettingready to do something. But I toldmyself that Iwas nervous. I labeled all thosesensations as a sign that somethingbadwas about tohappenand thenervesgotworse.

Wanttoknowsomethingwild?Sixyearsandhundredsofspeecheslater…Istillfeel theEXACT same things inmy body back stage.My palms sweat.My heartraces.Myfacegetshot.Myarmpitsstartdripping.Physiologically,I’minastateofarousal. I’m about to go intoACTION andmy body is getting ready. I feel theexactsamethingasfear,Ijustchannelitinapositivedirection.

ThemorespeechesIgive,themorecomfortableandconfidentIbecameaboutwhat I was saying, but as I gained confidence in my ability I noticed that thefeelingsinmybodydidn’tdisappear.That’swhenitdawnedonmethatmaybethiswas just my body’s way to get ready to do something cool. So, I started tellingmyselfthatIwasgettingexcited;insteadofcallingitnervousness.

SayYou’reExcited

Ineverknewmy“trick”hadsomeserioussciencebehindit.It’scalled“anxietyreappraisal.”Reframingyouranxietyasexcitementreallyworks.Itisassimpleasit

is powerful. Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks has

conducted study after study to prove that it not onlyworks to lower anxiety—itactuallymakesyouperformbetterinmathtests,speaking,andsoforth!

Inanutshell,sinceanxietyisastateofarousal,it’smucheasiertoconvinceyourbrain that all those nervous feelings are just excitement rather than to try to calmyourself down. When using this technique in experiments ranging from singingkaraoketogivingaspeechoncameratotakingamathtest,participantswhosaid“I’mexcited”didbetter ineverysinglechallengethanthoseparticipantswhosaid“I’manxious.”Reframingyournervousintoenthusiasmworks,justasSuzidid.Sheusedthe#5SecondRuleto5-4-3-2-1andkept“thatfeeling”inherstomachfromstoppingher:

Now, here’s the catch about telling yourself “I’m excited”—it doesn’t actuallylowerthefeelingssurgingthroughyourbody.Itjustgivesyourmindanexplanationthat empowers you. That way the nervous feelings do not escalate. You stay incontrol and the agitation in your body will start to calm down as you begin tomove.

Thenext time youhave a panic attackwhilemaking coffee, experience stagefright,havepre-gamejitters,orareworryingaboutabigexamora job interview,usethe#5SecondRuleandthisnewresearchtobeatyouranxiety.

Assoonasyoufeeltheanxietytakeoveryourbody,takecontrolofyourmind,5-4-3-2-1juststarttellingyourself“I’msoexcited”andpushyourselftomoveforward.

ThisiswhatJ.Gregdidwhenhereframedhisfeelingsinordertobeatanxiety:

Thephysicalimpact(thepush)iscriticalanditbeginswithcounting.Exertingyourselfallowsyourprefrontalcortextotakecontrolandfocusyouonapositiveexplanation.Whenyoufirststartusingthisstrategyyoumighthavetorepeatit27timesinonehour.Thefirsttimeour11-year-oldusedittobeathisanxietyaboutsleepingoveratafriend’shouse,hesaid“I’mexcitedtosleepover”overandoverfortheentiresix-miledrive...blesshislittleheart.

WhenIpulledintoQuinn’sdriveway,Iputthecarinparkandsaid,“Howareyoudoing?”Heresponded,“Myheart is still racingandmystomach feels funny,but I’m excited to sleep over.” That was six months ago. His anxiety aboutsleepoversisgone.He’snowactuallyexcited.Andthat’sthepowerofthistool:Ittrulyworks.

“Youarebraverthanyoubelieve,strongerthanyouseem,andsmarterthanyouthink.”

-AAMilne

F

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

BEATFEAR

earwillmakeyoudonuttythings.Oneofmygreatestfearsinlifeusedtobedying in a fiery plane crash.When I had to get on a plane, I used to be a

completeweirdo.Ihadallthesesuperstitionsaboutflying.First,Iwouldscantheboarding area looking forwomenwith small babies,men orwomen in uniform,priests, nuns, wheelchairs, off-duty pilots catching a ride home, or just generallykind-lookingpeople.Then,IwouldtellmyselfthatGodwouldn’tlettheplanegodown with these nice folks onboard. That would assuageme until I got on theplane.Theneverybumpor sound theplanemadeon the taxiout to the runwaymademyheartraceandchesttighten.

Takeoffwastheworst.Bythetimethewheelsleftthetarmac,Iwasusuallyinafullstateofpanic.I’dclosemyeyesandvisualizeanexplosion,terrorists,myrowgettingsuckedoutoftheplane,ortheplanejustdroppingfromthesky.I’dsqueezethe arm rest and could barely breathe. If the captain spoke to us over theloudspeakermyfearindexwouldcutinhalf.Ididn’trelaxuntiltheseatbeltlights

turnedoff,whichwasmysignthatthepilotsbelieveditwassafetomoveaboutthe

cabin. Inmymind, thismeant that the immediate threatofdeathbyplane crashwasover.

Icuredmyselfofmyfearofflying,usingthe#5SecondRuleandaspecificformofanxietyreappraisalthatIcall“anchorthoughts.”AndyoucanusetheRuletheexactsamewaywithanyfear.Zaharadidsowithherfearofflying“anditworked!”

Here’showIdidit.It’sthesametechniquethatIspokeabouttoZahara.

CreateanAnchorThought

First,beforeanytrip,Icomeupwithmy“anchorthought.”ThisisathoughtthatisrelevanttothetripthatIamtakingandwillanchormeiffearsetsin.Istartbythinkingaboutthetrip,whereIamflyingto,andwhatIamexcitedtodoonceIgetthere.

If I amheading tosee friends inDriggs, Idaho,myanchor thoughtmightbeclimbingTableTopmountain. If I’m traveling home toMichigan, Imight thinkaboutthemomentwepullintothedrivewayofmyparents’houseandmykidsrunoutofthecartohugmyfolksoroftakinganicewalkalongLakeMichiganwith

mymom.IfI’mheadingtoameetinginChicago,I’llthinkaboutgettingadelicious

dinnerwithaclient.OnceIhaveaspecificimageinmind,therestisveryeasy.

This use of the#5SecondRule is a form ofwhat researchers call “If, Then”planning. It’s a way to keep yourself in control by creating a backup plan inadvance.PlanAisnottogetnervous.

ButiIdogetontheplaneandstarttofeelnervous,theIhavemyPlanB:I’lluse the#5SecondRule andmy anchor thought tobeatmy fear of flying. StudiesshowthatthiskindofIf-Thenplanningcanboostyoursuccessratesbyalmost3times.

OnthePlane

Themoment I notice something thatmakesmenervous,whether that be analarmingsound,turbulence,aclimbthatseemstobetakingtoolong,weatherthatlooksominous,orabadvibefromapassengernexttome,myfearscanbeeasilytriggeredbecausemypatternofthinkingissoingrained.Whenthishappens,Istarttocount5-4-3-2-1toflushthefearoutofmyhead,activatemyprefrontalcortexandpullmyselfintothepresentmoment.

Then,IforcemyselftoanchoronthespecificimagesofwhereIamflyingtoandIthinktomyselfabouthowexcitedIamtowalkonthebeachwithmymom,have dinner with a client in Chicago, or climb Table Top Mountain with mybuddies.

These anchoring images are powerful reminders of a simple truth…if I amsittinginarestaurantinChicagohavingdinnerwithmyclientstonight,orwalkingthebeachinMichigantomorrowmorningwithmymom,orarrivinghomeintimeto make the girls’ lacrosse game, obviously the plane didn’t crash and I havenothingtoworryabout.Most important,Igivemymindthecontext it is looking

for—sothat itdoesn’tescalatethefear.AsI thinkabouttheanchorthought,my

bodycalmsdown.

Byusingthistechniqueoverandoveragain,Icuredmyfearofflying.Andbyusing,Imeanusingitoverandover.Itwillgeteasierandeasieruntilsuddenly,youwon’tbeafraidanymore.You’llhavetrainedyourmindtodefaulttothepositive:excitementaboutwhatyouareabout todo insteadof the fear.Danawasable tousethistechniquesuccessfullyandshe’snever“beensocalmwhenflying.”

And Fran put it to use on the flight home immediately after learning thetechniqueataconferenceinDallasanditmade“aworldofdifference.”

IlovewhatFransaidattheendofhernote:“Ican’tbelievehowmuchIwasmissingbybeingafraid!”She’srightandit’sheartbreaking.Irealizedthesamething—Iwasrobbingmyselfof joy,opportunity,andmagiceverysingledaybecauseIwas livingwith fear. Itdoesn’thave tobe thatway. In five seconds flat, youcantakecontrol.Youcanbeatfear.

Today,IamnevernervousorafraidwhenIboardaplane.Occasionally,ifwehitroughturbulence,I’llbreakouttheRulesothatIdon’tdrivemyfingernailsintothearmofthepersonsittingnexttome.

However,IstillusethistechniquewhenIfaceotherfears.Beforeanegotiationor a difficult conversation, for example, I’ll create an anchor thought of theconversation or the negotiation going really well. Specifically, I might picturesomeonehuggingmeorthankingmefor“havingtheconversation”ortoastingthedealwithmybusinesspartneratourfavoritebar.

That thought keepsme grounded, present, and powerful.When you enter aconversationmanagingafear,youcan’tbeyourbestbecausepartofyourmindisbusytryingtomanagethatfearinrealtime.Whenyouhaveananchorthought,itallowsyoutodisappearthefearthemomentthatyounoticeyourminddrifttoit.

Remember, even though your fears and your habits can hijack you in fiveseconds,youcantakebackcontroljustasquicklyand“continuetodoso”forever.

Masteryourmindandanythingispossible.

PART5

COURAGECHANGESEVERYTHING

W

HOWTOBECOMETHEMOSTFULFILLEDPERSONYOUKNOW

e’renearingtheendofthebook.You’velearnedthestoryoftheRule,youunderstandtheconceptofeverydaycourage,andyou’vecoveredthemore

tactical uses of the #5SecondRule to change behavior and change your mind.You’renowreadytodiveintothedeeperandmoresoulfultopicsthatimpactyourconnectiontoyourself.

First,you’llexploreconfidenceandhowyoucanbuilditusingactsofeverydaycourage. You’ll learn about the surprising connection between confidence andpersonality. You’ll meet people who have had great success building theirconfidence and you’ll read some deeply honest socialmedia posts about how toreconnectwiththemostimportantpersoninyourlife—yourself.

Second, you’ll learn how everyday courage helps you discover your passion.You’llmeetmen andwomenwho are using the#5SecondRule towin thebattlewithfearandfindthecouragetopursuewhat’sintheirhearts.Theirexampleswillinspireyoutodothesame.

Third, you’ll explore what creates deep and meaningful connections inrelationshipsandwhycourageissuchacriticalcomponent.Theamazingstoriesinthissectionwillinspireyoutomakethemostofthetimeyouhavewiththepeopleyouloveandgiveyouonesimplethingthatyoucandoatanymomentandatanytimetodeepenyourrelationships.

Bringtissues.

Thisismyfavoritesectionofthebook.Ifyoucanenrichyourself-confidence,passion, and connection with people, your life will transform in ways that youthoughtyoucouldonlydreamof.

Therewillalwaysbesomeonewhocan’tseeyourworth.

Don’tletitbeyou.

A

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

BUILDINGREALCONFIDENCE

big mistake people make is thinking that confidence is a matter ofpersonality.Confidence justmeans that youbelieve inyourself, your ideas,

andyourcapabilities.Anyonecanlearnhowtobecomemoreconfident.It’snotapersonalitytrait.It’saskill.

Youmayhaveanextrovertedpersonalityandtalkalot,butthatdoesn’tmeanyouareconfident.Themostvocalpersonintheroommightbereallyinsecureandonlysayswhathethinkswillmakehimlookgood.Looknofurtherthanme.Foralong time, Iwas loud andbossy, but I felt insecure inmyself,my ideas, andmyabilities.

Thequietestpeopleyouknowmightactuallybethemostconfident.Yourbestfriendwho’sanintrovertmightbelieveinherideaswithgreatconfidence(andget

annoyed when you don’t ask her about them), but she’s afraid of speaking upbecauseherfaceturnsred.Sheisn’tlackingconfidenceinherideas;shejustneedsalittlecouragetopushthroughherfearofbeingjudgedforhavingrosycheeks.

Ihadanexperiencethatillustratestheconnectionbetweenconfidence,courage,andpersonality.Italsowillshowyouonceagaintheauthenticprideyoufeelwhenyou5-4-3-2-1topushyourselfoutsideyourcomfortzone.

Recently, I had a chance to speak at Cisco Systems, the largest networkingtechnologyand services company in theworld.A fewmonths later Iwas invitedbacktogiveasimilartalk,thistimetoaseniorengineeringgroup.

WhenIarrivedforthatsecondtalk,amancameuptomeasIwassettingupwith theAV team.Hewas so excited to seeme and greetedmewith thewarmembrace of an old friend. Being from theMidwest, I love nothingmore than agoodhug.Hecouldhardlycontainhisexcitement,andsaidthathe“hadsomethingsoexcitingtotellmeabouttheRule.”

HehadseenmespeakatCiscoLiveseveralmonthsback.Duringthatspeech,asIoftendo,Igavetheaudienceahomeworkassignmentusingthe#5SecondRule:

Introduceyourselftothreestrangerstoday,usingthe5SecondRule.

Then,IexplainedhowIwantedthemtodothisassignment:

Payattentiontoyourinstinctsandthemomentthatyoufeel“drawn”towardsomeone.That’sthe“pushmoment.”Grabit.Startcounting5-4-3-2-1andstartwalkingtowardthepersonwithinfivesecondsbeforeyourmindtalksyououtofit.

Next, I explained to the audience what they can expect when they try thissimplehomework assignment.Themoment that they see someone they’d like tomeettheirmindswillfillupwithamillionexcusesforwhytheyshouldn’twalkoverandintroducethemselves:

Oh…wait.They’retalkingtootherpeopleandIdon’twanttoberude;shelooksbusysoI’llcatchherlater;he’slookingathisphonesoIdon’twanttointerrupt;there’snotalotoftimesoI’lldoitatthenextbreak.

And all of those things you think—they aren’t true. Instead, it’s your braintryingtoderailyou.

Aftermynewengineerfriendrecappedmyownassignment,hethendescribedwhat had happened to him. After my speech, at Cisco Live, he was out in thehallway andhehad a “pushmoment.” JohnChambers,Cisco’sCEO,walkedbywith a group of senior leaders.Now, youmust understand, JohnChambers is alegend atCisco and from all accounts, he’s a really great guy.Chamberswas theCEOfortwentyyearsandtheverynextday,itwasgoingtobeannouncedthathewouldbesteppingdownasCEOandthatChuckRobbinswouldbetakingover.

So,mynewfriendtheengineerwasstandinginthehallwayfreshfromlearningthe#5SecondRule.He sawChambers andhis instincts fired up.He immediatelyhad the urge to introduce himself and thank Chambers for inspiring him, alongwithlettinghimknowthepridethathefeltbeinganengineeratCisco.Hetoldmethatheknewheshoulddoitandhetriedtopushhimself,buthefroze.

Heexplainedthathefeltparalyzed,adding thathe isan“introvert”and“thissort of thing” doesn’t come naturally to him. The moment passed. His herodisappeareddownthehallandhespenttheremainderofthedaybeatinghimselfupfornottaking“hisshottomeethim.”Butluckily,that’snottheendofhisstory.

Thenextmorning,mynew friendwas joggingnext to the SanDiegoBay inEmbarcadero Park in downtown San Diego. This beautiful bike path along theMarina was (as usual) filled with runners, cyclists, and walkers. He had hisearphonesinandwaslisteningtomusic,takingitall in.Andallofasudden,whodoyouthinkwasaheadofhimonthepath?That’sright,JohnChambers.

Chambers was alone, he had his headphones on, and he’s jogging too. Myfriendtoldmethatheknewthiswas it.Nowornever.Hesaid,“Iwas immediatelyconcernedthatIwouldbeinterruptinghistimetohimselfandthatitwouldberude,butIcaughtmyselfhesitatingandstartedcountingdown5-4-3-…”

He sped up to catchChambers, tapped him on the shoulder, apologized forinterrupting,andthenexplainedhowhehadalwayswantedtopersonallythankhimfor the incredible career hehas had atCisco.The twomen stopped jogging andstartedtowalkthroughtheEmbarcaderotogether.

Accordingtomyfriend,Chamberswasdelightfulandengaging.Theydiscussedall kinds of topics: work, life, and even an idea that my friend had related to aproject he was working on. At the end of the talk, Chambers shook his hand,thankedhimfor introducinghimself, andgave theengineer thenameofa seniorpersonintheorganizationinchargeofinnovation.“UsemynameandtellhimwespokeandthatIwantedyoutoshareyourideawithhim,”Chamberssaid.

Mynewfriendwasbeamingbrightenoughtolightuptheroomashetoldmethe story. “It was the highlight ofmy career,Mel. And if it hadn’t been for the#5SecondRule,itneverwouldhavehappened.Icannotthankyouenough.”

Andthenheadded,“Oh,mygosh,Ialmostforgot;I’mnowinterviewingforajobwiththemanChambersintroducedmeto!”

Didhegetthejob?

Ihonestlyhavenoidea.Anewjobisn’tthepointofthestory.Thisisastoryabout acts of everyday courage and how they build confidence. This singularexperiencehasthepotentialtochangemorethanajob.IfhecontinuestousetheRuletolistentoandfollowhisinstincts,itcouldverywellchangethetrajectoryofwhat’spossibleforhislife.

His exuberance was not necessarily about meeting the CEO, although that’scool,butmoreabouthowdarngooditfeelswhenyouhonoryourowndesiresandtakecontrolofyourlife.

Remember, confidence in yourself is built through acts of everyday courage.That’swhathewasexperiencing:theradianceofknowingthathecouldcountonhimself.Themorethatmyengineerfriendpracticesactsofeverydaycourage, themoreconfidenthe’llbecomeinhimself.

Remember, confidence is createdby the small things youdoevery singledaythatbuildtrustinyourself.

I received amessage from aman namedBill thatwill helpme illustrate thispointabout learningtotrustyourself.Billdescribedastrugglethatsomanyofusfacewithalevelofbraverythatisinspiring.

“IHaveAnIssueBeingtheRealMe.”

Bill’slifeontheoutsidesoundsremarkable.He’smarried,hasfourgreatkids,averysuccessfulcareer,andisthepresidentofaprofessionalassociation.“Greatlife,huh?” Sure sounds like it. But there’s somethingmissing. And it’s a meaningfulconnectionwithhimself.

Bill is courageousenough toadmit thathe’s“not livingwithconviction”andthat(likesomanyofus)hehasdevelopedahabitof“hesitating,overthinking,thenneverdoingorsayingwhatIshouldbedoingorsaying.”Billfeelsasthoughhe’s“lostsomehowtheabilitytomakearealconnectionwithpeople.”

He’sforgettingthemostimportantpersonhe’slostconnectionwith—himself.Whenyou losetouchwiththerealyou,youwill feeladrift,you’ll loseconfidenceandyourlifewillloseits“flavorofcongruency.”

Youcangetitbackwiththe#5SecondRule.Billstartedusingittoworkonhisrelationshipwithhimself.Togodeepand“littlebylittle”startwalkingthe“journeyof a thousand steps,”pushinghimself todo the small things that “quietly” teachyoutotrustyourself.

Agoodlifeismadeupofsmallsteps—“makingtoughdecisions,”“beingabletosayno,”even“gettingoutofbedandtakingthedogsout”justbecauseyousaidyouwould—theymaybelittlestepsin“learningtotrust”yourself,buttheyarethemost“exhilarating”movesthatyoucanmakeforyourconfidence.

Trayce is a 48-year-old stay-at-homemomwho felt stuck in a rut when shediscoveredthe#5SecondRuleand“WHAM…likealighthadbeenturnedon.”Sheuses the Rule to do things that “are small in the big scheme of things, but the

feelinganduplifttheygivemeishuge”—likespeakingatchurchorpostingaphoto

ofherselfonline.

Here’sthethingwelearnedfromBill:Smallthingsarenotsmallatall.Theyarethemostimportantthingsofall.Andtheyaddup.Pushingyourselfto5-4-3-2-1onthe“smallthings”givesyouconfidencetodothe“bigschemeofthings.”

“Mostoftheapplicationsweresmallinthebigschemeofthings,butthefeelinganduplifttheygavemeishuge.

HereisabrieflistofsomethingsIhavedoneusingthe5-secondrulethatIwouldnothaveotherwisedone.

Istoodupanddancedbymyselfatamusicconcert,ItookandpostedapictureofmyselfwithanauthorIadmire[Idon’tlikepicturesofmyself],Ispokeinfrontofacongregationinmychurch,Ispoketomyhusbandaboutsomethingthatwasbotheringme,I introducedmyself topeopleIwanted tomeet,andIhaveaccomplishedmorearoundmyhome[notputtingthingsoffasmuch].

Inandofthemselves,thesearenotearthshatteringevents,butIdidthembecauseofthepowerbehindMel’s5-secondrule.

Iamtrying touse this toolnow for thingsI consider tobebigger struggles suchas losingextraweightIhavebeencarryingaround for25yearsand togettingup the courage toattendmy30-yearHighSchoolReunion, considering theamountofweightIhavegained.

Ievenusedthe5-secondruletowriteandsubmitmystory.IalsotrytoshareMel’smessageofthe5-secondrulewithothers and have heard and seen some people putting it into practice for themselves. I know Iwill continue to use thisempoweringandyetsosimplelife-changingformula.

ForthefirsttimeinalongtimeIfeellikeIambeginningtogetunstuckandclimboutofmyrut…

andIcan’twaittoseewhathappensnext.

Thankyou,Trayce”

Confidence builds when you do things that affirm your sense of self,particularlywhentheyarethingsthatyoumightnotnormallydo,likegettingupontime, speaking in frontof yourchurch,or chasingdown theCEOofCiscoonabikepath.Theseareactsofeverydaycourageandtheybuildconfidence.

CrystalattendedthatsameCiscoLive2015eventastheengineerandshewrotetome about the#5SecondRule. She “realized that for the past 8 years” she had

“secondguessedeverystep”shehadtaken:Ithoughtsomeonewasinterestingandthenasecondlatermymindwouldgivemeamillionreasonswhynottotrytospeaktothem.

Shestartedimplementing5-4-3-2-1and“rightaway”byfirstsittingnexttopeopleshedidn’tknowinabreakoutsession.Thenextday,whenthe instructoraskedifanyonehadanyquestions,she“realizedIdidbutwasembarrassedtoevenask...then thought you knowwhat youwould have stood up if you just stoppedthinkingaboutitsoIdid.”

Using the #5SecondRule, she stood up and asked her question. She alsoinspiredtwootherwomentostanduptooinaroomfullofmaleengineers.Next,she5-4-3-2-1andmadeherselfgotoabasketballgamewhenshedidn’tfeellikeitandevenfoundthecouragetoaskaVPforabusinesscard.Becauseoftheseactsof everyday courage her confidence has grown since the event and her life hascompletelychanged:anewjob,anewtitle,andanewhouse.

Nobuo started using the #5SecondRule after he was “released from anexecutivedirector”role.Helosthismotivationand“feltincapable.”

UsingtheRuletopracticeactsofeverydaycourage“littlebylittle,”NobuohasfoundjustlikeCrystaldidthat“thepowerandenergyhascomebacktomyheart,mindandbody.”It’scomebackbecausehehasproventohimselfthathehasthepowertochangethingsinhislife.

There’s one more point I want to make about personality and confidence.Rememberwhat the engineer said right afterhedescribedhowhe froze the firsttimehesawChamberswalkbyinthehallway?Heofferedanexplanationofsorts,“I’man‘introvert’and‘thissortofthing’doesn’tcomenaturally.”

WhatifItoldyouthatnothingaboutyourlifeorpersonalityisfixedor“comesnaturally”anyway?Nothingcomesnaturallyuntilyoupracticeit.That’swhyIkeepsayingyoumust“practice”actsofeverydaycourage.

Youhave theability to improve,changeorenricheverysingleaspectofyourlife—through action. Professor Brian Little, a psychologist at the University ofCambridge, just gave a great TED Talk, “Who Are You, Really? The Puzzle ofPersonality.” In it, he talks about the difference between extroverts and introvertsand the things thatmakeuswhowe are.According toProfessorLittle, “It’s the

doings. It’s thepersonalprojects.”Hedescribeshowsomeofour traitsaremorefixed and automatic, but many are “free traits” that we can adjust in order to

advanceacoreprojectinourlives.

Littleexplainsthat like theengineeratCisco,he’salsoan introvert.However,hiscore,personalprojectistoprofess.Helovestoteach.Soevenasanintrovert,heis“actingoutofcharacter”whenheisupinfrontoftheclassconnectingwithhis students.How does he do it? Through deliberate and purposeful action.Hepusheshimselftodoit.

Theengineer’spersonalprojectwastoexpresshisgratitudetoJohnChambers.That’swhyhehadtheinstinctto“actoutofcharacter.”Howdidheactuallypushhimselftodoit?The#5SecondRule.Inbothexamplestwothingswerepresent—adesire to do something meaningful (connect with students or a CEO) anddeliberateaction(apushtoactoutofcharacter).

Does it feelharderforan introvert towalkuptoaCEO,talk infrontofherchurch, or teach a class than it feels for an extrovert todo these things?Maybe.Maybenot.Dependsonhowconfident the individual is.Andconfidence, as youknow,hasnothingtodowithpersonality.

AsProfessorLittle likes to say, “you are like some other people and like nootherperson.”WhatIdoknowisthatthefirsttimeyoudoanything,it’sgoingtofeeldifficultandmaybealittlescary.You’regoingtoneedalittlecourage.Weareallcapableof“actingoutofcharacter”whenitservesan importantpurpose.ThemostimportantpurposeIcanthinkofisimprovingyourlifeinwaysthatmakeyoucomealiveandfeelhappyandfulfilled.

Howdoyou“actoutofcharacter”todothatwork?Youguessedit:youassertyourselfandpracticeactsofeverydaycourageusingthe#5SecondRule.Thoseactsmaynotseem“earthshattering,”buttheywillshatterself-doubtovertime.

There’s somuch greatness inside each and every single one of us. The Rulehelpsusseehow“freakingincredible”weallare, justasAmberdiscoveredaboutherself.

Which takesusback to theverybeginningpoint:Themore thatyoupracticeactsofcourage,themorethatyouwillbelieveyouareincontrolofyourlife,andasaresult,themoreconfidentthatyouwillbecome.Evenwhenwhatyouneedtodoscaresyoutodeath,theRulehelpsyoutakecourageousaction.Michellefoundthecouragetoquither“toxic,anxietyriddenjob”andeventhoughshe’s“scaredoftheunknown,” that one act of everyday courage has made her “more confident inmyselfandcapabilities.”

AsMichelle discovered, doing things that scare you actuallymake youmoreconfident. If you have the courage to take action, your confidence will follow.Everytimeyoupushyourselftospeakwhenyou’renervous,actwhenyou’reafraid,or get to the gym when you don’t feel like it, you realize that you can rely onyourselftogetanythingdone.Fromthisbeliefinyourpersonalabilitiesflowsyourconfidence.

Jay goes to a performing arts high school in Toronto but has “always beennervous to goout for things.”Using theRule,hehas auditioned formore roles,gottenmorepartsinshows,andhe’salso“gainedalotofself-confidence.”

Themore that youuse theRule, the faster your confidencewill grow.StaceyusestheRule“almostdaily”toactwithcourageand“talktopeoplefacetoface,”“dohomeshows”forherbusiness,and“nolongerhide”becauseoffear.UsingtheRule in acts of everyday courage has helped her “grow in ways I never thoughtpossible.” She has cultivated the confidence she’s always wanted and it feels“amazing.”

Throughout this book, you have read stories of peoplewho have taken verysimple or seemingly small steps forward—and their entire outlook on life haschanged.It’stemptingtodismissthesestoriesbecauseitseemsimplausiblethatby

simply waking up on time every morning, you can create a chain reaction thatimpactsyourconfidence.However,thisisexactlyhowyoudoit.Stopfocusingonthebigthings.Use5-4-3-2-1-GOonthesmallestthings—andyouwillseethatthesemomentsareactuallynotsosmall.

As Bill said, daily courageous actions of getting out of bed, making toughdecisions,beingabletosayno,givingbackeverychanceyouget,andfocusingonprioritiescreatea rippleeffect thatchangeyour life.Theseare little stepsbut thepayoff is everything that you seek: confidence, control, and a senseof pride thatfeelsdamngood.

Speakfromyourheart,evenifyourvoiceshakes.

O

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

PURSUINGPASSION

vertheyears,I’vereceivedlotsofquestionsabouthowtofindyourpassionandpurpose.NotoncehaveIeverbeenaskedtohelpsomeone“thinkabout

theirpassion.”That’sbecausefindingyourpassionisanactiveprocessandyou’llfindthatthe#5SecondRuleisanincredibletoolasopportunitiesstarttoappear.Whatstopspeoplefromfindingtheirpassionisthatcan’tgetoutoftheirthoughtsandmoveintoaction.Whenyouusethe#5SecondRuleto5-4-3-2-1pushyourselftostartexploringandleanintoopportunitiesastheyappear,you’llbeshockedwhereitleads.

StartExploring

Howdo you explore?Hire the best guide you can find: your curiosity.Yourcuriosity is how your instincts get you to pay attention towhat your heart reallycares about. If you can’t stop thinking something, make something your newhobby.Alsopay close attention to envy. If you findyourself jealousof someoneelse,explorethatfeeling.Whataspectoftheirlifeareyoujealousof?Thismaygiveyouaclueintowhatyoureallywantforyourself.

Next,pushyourselftotakesimplestepstoexplorethatsubject:readaboutit,watch video tutorials, talk to people, take a class, and write a plan. You’ll besurprisedbywhathappensovertime.

Your passion could be photography. When Chris first discovered the#5SecondRulefouryearsago,hewasaCIOatabank(andhestillis),andhehadalwayslovedphotography.HeusedtheRuletoforcehimselftoexplorehispassion,and, two magazine covers and multiple awards later, he’s a professionalphotographer.

Maybeyou’reinterestedinlaunchingagourmetfoodbusiness.Itdoesn’tmatterifyou’veneverdoneitbefore.Intoday’sworld,youhavesomanyresourcesatyourdisposal tohelpyouexplore.TakeEricasanexample.He lives inCambodiaandhadanideatostartanexportbusiness.He’spushinghimselftolearneverythinghecanbywatchingYouTubevideosandreadingbooks.

That’s how you “discover” your passion, you 5- 4- 3- 2- 1 explore until youbumpintoit.

BuildMomentum

Itwillstartasjustaninstinct.Italwaysdoes.Firstyoutakeaclass.Aclassleadsto a certification. A certification leads to conversations. Conversations lead toopportunities.Smallopportunities lead to largerones.Maybeyou’llwant tosharesomething what you’re learning with people at work, so you use the Rule pushyourselftodoit.That’swhenmomentumkicksin.

You’llcursemeasthingsactuallystarttohappen,butyou’llthankyourselfforfindingthecouragetotrustyourheartandexplorewhatyoufindfascinating.Jo,abankerinLondon, isafabulousexampleofhowsomethingsmall, liketakingoneclass,cangrowintosomethingremarkablelikeawholenewcareer.Thisstoryisan

unbelievableexampleofhowmomentumbuildsfromsomethingsmall.Checkthisout:

Jo, a banker in London, is a fabulous example of how something small, liketakingoneclass,cangrowintosomethingremarkablelikeawholenewcareer.Thisstoryisanunbelievableexampleofhowmomentumbuildsfromsomethingsmall.Checkthisout:

As your explorationpicks upmomentum, you’llmove into the next phase—actually pursuing your passion full-time. At some point, the side business ofphotography will become your real business. Your presentation to the Bank ofScotlandwillbecomeafull-blownspeakingcareer.

TheCouragetoCommit

There’s no magic formula for when to pull the trigger and turn a passionproject intoapassion-drivencareerormajor lifechange.It requiresplanningandsome slow, deep thinking. If you are anything like the rest of us, you’ll tortureyourselfforawhileuntilyoucan’tstandstraddlingyourpresentlifeandthefutureone.

Michalhadamajorpassion that shewanted to turn intoa companyandhad“beenwantingtodoitforyearsbuthavejustheldback.”She5-4-3-2-1pushedherself“toannouncethestartofmynewbusiness.”Now,shehasareasonto“nothitthatsnoozebutton”anymore.

Wealldeservetowakeupsoexcitedthatwenolongerwantto“hitthatsnoozebutton,”justlikeMichal.Ifyouarethinkingaboutmakingtheleaplikeher,makesuretobeintentionalabouthowyouaskyourselfthequestion.

YouneedtoaskyourselftheHeartFirstquestion,“AmIreadytocommittothis?”insteadoftheFeelingFirstquestion,“DoI feelreadytocommittothis?”You’llneverfeelready.Themomentyouansweryestothequestion“AmIreadytocommittothis?”you’llneedtousetheRuletogiveyourselfthatfinalpush.

Evenwhenyouare ready, it’snotgoing to feel goodwhenyoudo it. Just askTodd inAustralia.Toddhasknownfora long timeexactlywhathe ispassionateabout:physicaleducation.He’salwaysdreamedofteaching itandhavinghisownpersonaltrainingbusiness.Asahigh-schooler,ToddknewthathewantedpursueadegreeinPhysicalEducation,buthisparentssaid,“Ohno,youcan’tdothat…”Theypressuredhimtopursuea“professional”degreeinstead.

Fouryearslater,ToddwasaseniorinadualmajorprogramsplitbetweenLawandBusiness.Hisheartwasneverinit.AsTodddescribedinanemail,that“littlevoice”wasconstantlyinthebackofhishead“silently”echoing.Whydidhestayinthat major? Simple—his feelings. The thought of disappointing his parentsoverwhelmedhim.Everysingleday,hethoughtaboutwithdrawingandgoingtoadifferent college to studyPhysicalEducation, but he felt paralyzed.Walking intotheRegistrar’sOfficeandfillingoutpaperworkiseasy.Facingthedisappointmentofyourparentsissoul-crushing.

Foralmostfouryears,Toddhadwantedtowithdraw,buthedidn’tknowhowtofacehisfearsorhisparents.The#5SecondRuleishowhefinallydidit.Toddwassitting inaLAWS5513LectureonAdvancedTaxationLawwhenherealizedthathewas“ready.”

AsToddputit:

“IcanattesttoyouthedislikeIhadforsuchaprogram;IwantedtowithdrawfromthemomentIstarted.Butwhatisperhaps,mostdisturbingaboutthisentiresituationisthatIhadliterallyallowedmyselftostudyadegreeuptothefinalyearbeforeIdecidedIwasentirelyandcompletelydonewithhatingmylife!”

Toddcouldseethefuture:

“MyparentswouldsendmeofftodomyMastersandalongIwouldgo,livingmylife…foreveryone,butme!”

He described the instinct to act and the five second decision that made ithappen.

“Juststart.Ineedtowithdraw.Igatheredupmybooksandstoodupinthemiddleofclassandleft.”

Hisbodywas shaking,buthewasmoving—straight to theRegistrar’sOffice,where he unenrolled from theUniversity.He then got in the car and drove twohours southofBrisbane toTheQueenslandUniversityofTechnology,whereheappliedforthedegreeofhisdreams.

ThatfatefulTuesdaymorningwastwoyearsago.Toddisnow24yearsoldandhalfwaythroughhisteachingdegreeandhas“neverhadthismuchfuninmylife.”HehasbeenacceptedintothehonorsEducationprogramfornextyear.Asheputsit:

“Ihavefoundmypurpose...thisisinfactexactlywhatIwassupposedtobedoingallalong.”

Asforhisparents,yestheyweredisappointedwhenheinitiallytoldthemthathedidn’twanttobealawyer,buttheywerewaymoredisappointedbythefactthatToddhadbeenscared(totellthem)andunhappyforsolong.

HaveFaith

Ibelieveyoucanmakeanythinghappenaslongasyoulistentoyourheart,dothework,andgiveupyourtimeline.Oneofmyfavoritebooksistheinternationalbest-sellerTheAlchemist.It’soneofthebest-sellingbooksofalltimeandhasbeentranslatedinto80languages.I’verecommendeditformorethanadecade,andasIwas writing this book, I bought myself a new copy to keep me inspired andremindedthatthe“Wholeuniverseconspirestohelpyouwhenyoufollowyourheart.”

WhenIcrackedopenthetwenty-fifthanniversaryedition,Iwasblownawaybyastoryintheforwardofthebook.IhadnoideathatwhenTheAlchemistwasfirstpublishedinBrazil,itfailed.Miserably.

“WhenTheAlchemistwasfirstpublishedtwenty-fiveyearsagoinmynativeBrazil,noonenoticed.Abooksellerinthenortheastcornerofthecountrytoldmethatonlyonepersonpurchasedacopythefirstweekofitsrelease.Ittookanothersixmonthsforthebooksellertounloadasecondcopy—andthatwastothesamepersonwhoboughtthefirst!Andwhoknowshowlongittooktosellthethird.

Bytheendoftheyear,itwascleartoeveryonethatTheAlchemistwasn’tworking.Myoriginalpublisherdecidedtocutmelooseandcancelledourcontract.Theywipedtheirhandsoftheprojectandletmetakethebookwithme.Iwasforty-oneanddesperate.

ButIneverlostfaithinthebookoreverwaveredinmyvision.Why?Becauseitwasmeinthere,allofme,heartandsoul.Iwaslivingmyownmetaphor.Amansetsoutonajourney,dreamingofabeautifulormagicalplace,inpursuitofsomeunknowntreasure.Attheendofhisjourney,themanrealizesthetreasurewaswithhimtheentiretime.”

Forty-oneanddesperate?IgotchillswhenIreadthatline.That’showoldIwaswhen Idiscovered the#5SecondRule, and that’s exactlyhow I felt.What Ihavecome to realize is there is no expiration date on discovering and expressing thepower of you. And as Coelho wrote in the foreword, it starts with a belief inyourself,andthatbeliefisgroundedinthecouragetopushyourself.

“IwasfollowingmyPersonalLegend,andmytreasurewasmycapacitytowrite.AndIwantedtosharethistreasurewiththeworld.Istartedknockingonthedoorsofotherpublishers.Oneopened,andthepublisherontheothersidebelievedinmeandmybookandagreedtogiveTheAlchemistasecondchance.Slowly,throughwordofmouth,itfinallystartedtosell—threethousand,thensixthousand,tenthousand—bookbybook,graduallythroughouttheyear.”

The book became an organic phenomenon and the rest is history. It isconsideredoneofthetenbestbooksofthetwentiethcentury.WheninterviewersaskCoelhowhetherornotheknewthatitwouldbeasuccess,thisiswhathehadtosay:

“Theanswerisno.Ihadnoidea.HowcouldI?WhenIsatdowntowriteTheAlchemist,allIknewisthatIwantedtowriteaboutmysoul.Iwantedtowriteaboutmyquesttofindmytreasure.”

The answers are insideof you if youhave the courage to listen.Youare likesomeotherpeople and likenootherperson.Youhave something remarkable tosharewiththeworld.Itstartswithlisteningtowhat’sinsideofyouandendswiththecouragetogowhereitleads.

Followit.

Don’ttellpeopleyourdreams.

Showthem.

T

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

ENRICHYOURRELATIONSHIPS

hereareonlytwowordsofadviceyouneedtoimproveanyrelationship.

SayIt

I was speaking at a sales meeting for a retail brokerage firm in Florida andafterward a tall man namedDon approachedme.He was in his late 50s, had abeard, andwaswearing a sport coatoverhismadras shirt.He saidhewanted tosharesomethingwithmeabout“my5SecondRule.”

Donhad “his own version of it that had changed his life.”Hehad “made adecisionafewyearsago,thatnothingimportantwouldbeleftunsaid.”

Then he shared a story about how, acting on instinct, he pushed himself toshare something with his daughter that had completely changed their entire

relationship. Over the years his daughter Amber and her husband had taken in

family members who had fallen on hard times. They also volunteered everyweekendintheircommunityandhadcompletedseveralservicetrips.

Dontoldthemthatheadmiredthem.Headmiredhowtheylivedtheirlivesandtheexamplethattheirlivesprovidedtheworld.HeaddedthathewassoproudoftheyoungwomanAmberhadbecome.Andthenhetoldmethis:“RightbeforeIwas about to say it. Iwas so afraid. Imagine that. Iwas afraid to say somethingbecauseIwasafraidtogetemotional.”

He said that after that conversation, his relationship with his daughter wasnever the same again. They are now closer than he ever imagined and theexperienceinspiredhimtolivebythisrule:Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

Intimacytakescourage.Riskinggettingemotionalorupsettingsomeonesothatyoucanexpressyourselfisscary,buttheresultismagical.Iexperiencedthatsamemagic in a simple conversationwithmy father last fall. Iwas onmyway to theairporthavingjustfinishedaspeakingengagementinMiamiandIsawatextfrommydad:“Callmeassoonasyoucan.”

That’sodd,Ithoughttomyself.Icalledthehouse,andmymompickedupthephone.

“HiMom,IjustgotatextfromDadaskingmetocall.Iseverythingokay?”

“Youshouldtalktohim,letmegethimforyou…”

Shesetthephonedown,asItriedtocatchher

“Wait,Mom!What’sgoingon?”

I could hear the kitchen door creak as she opened it and yelled formy dad,“BOB!Mel’sonthephone!”

Ihadnoideawhatwasgoingon.Atfirst,IthoughtthatIwasintrouble.Isatin thebackof thatcabfeeling likea10-year-oldwhowasabout togetgrounded.

Isn’t it amazing how quickly yourmind can take you down the rabbit hole thatsomethingiswrong?

Uncertainty had triggered my habit of worrying and now I was inside themental “What-if Loop”:Did grandma die?Did I do something wrong? Is he in financialtrouble?Itmustbeme,whatdidIdo?

Didyoucatchwhathappened?Theuncertaintytriggeredmyhabitofworrying.In less thanfiveseconds,Ihadconvincedmyself thatmygrandmotherhaddied,thatIhaddonesomethingseverelywrong,thatmyfatherwasdeeplydisappointedinme,orthatIwasabouttogetinmajortrouble.

Iheardthebackdooropenandhimwalkingtowardthekitchen.Hepickedupthephoneandwasasnonchalantascouldbe,“HeyMel,thanksforcalling,whereareyourightnow?”

Iwasfreakingoutontheotherendoftheline.

“I’minMiamionmywaytotheairport,yourtextscaredmetodeath,didIdosomethingwrong?”

Hechuckledandsaid,“No,it’snotaboutyou,Mel.It’saboutme.Ididn’twanttotellyouandyourbrotheruntilIwassure.”

Ialmostdroppedthephone.“Areyougonnadie?Ohmygod,youhavecancer.”

He interrupted,“Will you letme talk…Idon’t have cancer. I haveananeurismand Ineedopenbrainsurgerytoremoveitbeforeitkillsme.”

He went on to explain the whole story. He had had a bout of vertigo andcollapsedwhilehewasplayingaroundofgolf.ThatleadtoanMRI,whichrevealedthisaneurism.Theyfounditbymistake.HewashavingsurgeryattheendoftheweekattheUniversityofMichigan.

I sat frozenon the other side of the phone.My father-in-lawhad died fromesophagealcancer.Withinsecondsofhearingmydad’sstory,Iimmediatelythought

aboutthedayofmyfather-in-law’ssurgery.Itwasjustamoment.Thenurseswerewheeling him off to surgery atMemorial SloanKettering inManhattan and justbeforetheypushedhimthroughthedoubledoors,helookedbackatallofus.

He smiled and gave us a little wave. We all smiled and waved back, and Iremember givinghim a “thumbsup.” I remember feeling apangof fear right atthatmoment.Thenhedisappeared through the swingingdoors.Wehadno ideathathissurgerywasabouttogohorriblywrongandthatthecomplicationswouldeventuallykillhim.

Isnappedbackintothepresentmoment,inthebackofthecabandlistenedtomydad. Ipicturedmyfatherwavinggoodbye fromahospitalhallway,andIwasafraid.Idon’tknowwhy,butIreallywantedtoknowifmydadwasscaredtoo.Ihadaninstincttoaskhimandimmediatelyhesitated.Istartedthink.

“Don’taskthat,it’llupsethim.Ofcoursehe’sscared,youmoron.Keepitlightandpositive.Don’t stress him out, that aneurysm could explode.” That was the pushmoment.Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

5..4..3..2..1..“Dad,areyouscared?”

Therewassilenceontheotherend.AndIstartedtoregretaskingthequestion.Iwasnotexpectingtohearwhathesaidnext:

“I’mnotscared.Iamnervous,butIreallytrustmysurgeon.Youknow,Mel,Iactuallyfeelkindoflucky.”

“Lucky?”That’snotwhatIexpectedtohear.

“Yes,Ihaveanopportunitytotryandfixthisthingbeforeitkillsme.AndattheendofthedayifsomethinghappensIhavenoregrets.Watchingmymomtakecareofmydadafterhisstroke

or watching Susie die ofALSwas horrible.Quality of life is very important tome.And thequalityofmylifehasbeenmorethanIcouldhaveeverwishedfor.AsakidIalwayswantedtobeadoctor,andIbecameone.YourmomandIhavehadawonderful life together.Youandyourbrotherturnedout.I’vebasicallydoneexactlywhatIwantedtodowithmylife.Andthat’sallyoucaneveraskfor…thatandmoretimetoenjoyit.”

ItwasoneofthemostbeautifulmomentsIhaveeversharedwithmydadandwithoutthe#5SecondRule,Iwouldn’thavefoundmycouragetoaskthequestion.Ijustsatthereinthebackofthatcabandtookitallin.Andthenheaddedthis:

“Actually,thereisonethingIwanttodo,”hesaid,“I’dliketoseeAfrica.AndifImakeitto90,IwanttojumpoutofplanelikeGeorgeH.Bushdidonhis90thbirthday.”

Ilaughed.“Youwilldad,youwill.”

Thatconversationwithmydadremindedmeofsomethingimportant.Waitingfortherighttimetogetrealinyourrelationshipsisafool’serrand.Thereisnorighttimetohavetheconversation,askthehardquestions,say“Iloveyou,”ortakethetimetotrulylisten.Thereisonlyrightnow.

Sometimes it’s notmerely a hard question that you need to ask. It’s actuallyending the silence between you. It had been “years since” Cortney let herrelationship gowith her father, but she had beenwanting tomake amends. Shedidn’t“passoutoroverthinkit,”likeshewouldhaveinthepast.Instead,sheusedthe#5SecondRuletotrustherinstinctandjustpickupthephoneandcallherdad.Shejust“saidoutloud5-4-3-2-1andjusthitcallanddidit.”

Itonlytakesfivesecondstochangeyourlife.

HidingiswhatMikewasdoinginhismarriage,untilhefoundthecourageto5-4-3-2-1tobe“morehonestwith”himself:

“IamtalkingtomywifeagainaboutsubjectsIwouldhaveratherjustbeenignored(notliketheyweregoingawaybecausemyheadwasinthesandoranything).AndIambeingmorehonestwithmyself.AndmostofallIlikethat.Imaynotbeperfect,butIamworthy.I’msurprisedbyjusthowdamngoodthatfeels–tobeworthy.”

—Mike

Mike just shared averypowerful secret.To feelworthy, youmust firstmakeyour own instincts worthy of your attention and your effort. And Anthony wassurprised that “something so simple” as having the courage to “lean intowhat Inormally shy away from” could create such “enormous change” in hismarriage,helpinghimtobe“closertomywife”andgethisneedsmet.

“Thatsomethingsosimplecouldcreatesuchenormouschange.Thatwassurprising.Iusedtoexpectpeopletoknowmyneeds andwould harbor resentmentwhenmy needswere notmet,mostlywithmywife. I thought allwives could readminds,imaginemysurprise.

ByusingtheRuletosimplyleanintowhatInormallywouldshyawayfromI’mmakinggreatstridesinafewareasofmylife.I’msmilingasItypethis.I’mclosertomywifeandmyneedsarestartingtobemet.Ihadnoideathatmysilencewastheproblem.”

—Anthony

AsAnthonysaidhe“hadnoideathatmysilencewastheproblem.”Silenceisalwaystheproblem.Decidingnottosaywhatyoufeelcreateswhatresearcherscall“cognitivedissonance”betweenwhatyoutrulybelieve(inyourheart)andwhatyouactuallydointhemoment.Thoseproblemsbuildupand,overtime,theycanbreakyourrelationship.

That’s what happened to Estelle during what she described as “an ordinarymoment in time.” A seemingly stupid argument with her husband “cracked abranch in a silentwoods” and her responsewas immediate—“I asked him for adivorce.”Here’showshedescribedit:

“MymindwassuddenlycrystalclearandIusedthe#5SecondRuletosayit.Itwasnowmychoicetodoit,orallowmybrain to “pull the emergency brake.” I chose in thatmoment, to act. I asked for a divorce. In retrospect that decisioncatapultedmylifeinthedirectionIknewIwantedtogo,butalwaysheldmyselfbackfrom.

Thisisnottosayitwaseasy.Itabsolutelyhasnotbeeneasy,butIhaveneverforoneseconddoubtedmydecision.Inthatpuremomentofaction,oftrulychoosingtoactonwhatIknewwasrightandauthenticallyme,Ihavefoundmyself.Therehavebeendarkandsometimeslonelymoments,butwhatsurprisesmeisthatinthosemomentsIneverregretmychoicetodivorce.

Weall havemoments throughout our day to act or to choose.We sometimes hold ourselves back,we choose to becautiousandnotactandtonotrisk.Ichoosetoact.Andit is inthesemomentsthatI feelmostalive,have foundmysoulmateandmoreimportantlymytrueself.”

—Estelle

Isaidfromthebeginning that theRulewassimple. Ineversaid it“saying it”wouldbeeasy.The truth is the shortestdistancebetween twopeople and itmayvery well save your relationship. Silence creates distance. Truth creates realconnection,asNatashadiscovered.

Natasha was “overwhelmed with life” after her mother died suddenly. Heroptimism“evaporated”andshecould“onlyseemorenegatives”inthefuture.ShewasworriedaboutherrelationshipwithherboyfriendandusedtheRuleto5-4-3-2-1to“speakfromtheheart”abouthowshefelt,forreal—thattheirrelationship“wasunsustainable.”Shespokehowshereallyfeltandtheoutcomewasamazing.Insteadofblowinguptherelationship,thetruthbroughtthemcloser.They’renowengaged.

We often fail to appreciate the profound power held inside the smallestmomentsofourrelationshipsasourdaysraceby.Irecentlyhadsomethinghappenthat remindedmeof the importanceof slowingdown,beingpresent, “saying it,”andtuningintoyourheartwhenitspeakstoyou.

AmansentmeaFacebookmessageafterhearingmespeak,andaskedmetocheckoutamemorialpageforafamilyfriendnamedJoshWoodruff.HefeltthatJoshwastheepitomeofapersonwholivedhislifetothefullest,andembodiedthe#5SecondRule.

Onan instinct, Iclickedon the link to thememorialpageonFacebook.Thefirst thing I sawwas a post from awomannamedMary. Itwas a beautiful postabout the intimacy and connectednesswe all want in life and howwe pull backfromitforthesilliestreasons.AweekbeforeJoshwaskilledbyahit-and-rundriverinNewOrleans,Maryhadseenhiminthegrocerystorebut“didn’tsayanythingtohim.”I’lllethertellyouthestory:

Mary’spostisanincrediblereminderforallofus.Sometimesthereisnonexttime.Whenyourheartspeaks—sayit.IreachedouttoJosh’smom,Caren,andshesharedastoryaboutJoshwithme:

“Joshwasnotafraidofotherpeople’semotions.Whenhewasateenager,mymotherwasdiagnosedwithcancer.Iknewwewerelosingher.Oneday,Isatinthefamilyroombymyselftothinkandtocry.Joshcameinandaskedmewhatwaswrong,andthen“eyelocked”me.Hedidn’tlookawayorfidget.Hejustsatthereandlistened.Fromthatdaywestartedmovingfromjustamother-sontoafriend-friendrelationshipbecausehetookthetimetolistentomeasahumanbeing.”

I’msadthatInevergotthechancetomeetJosh.Hesoundedlikeanamazingman.AsCarendescribedhim,“Joshwastheepitomeofdoing.Hetookhis intentionsand

actedonthem.Afterhisdeath,wesaidthathelivedlifewithouthesitation.”

SheclosedheremailtomebyattachingatextthatJoshhadsenttoherandherhusbandonNewYear’sEve,justhoursbeforehewaskilled.AsCarenputit,“Hethoughtit,hesentit.Wewilltreasureitfortherestofourlives.”

Leavenothingimportantunsaid.

5-4-3-2-1goaheadandsayit.

Allourdreamscancometrueifwehavethecouragetopursuethem.

-WaltDisney

T

THEPOWEROFYOU

oday,somethingincredibleisgoingtohappen.

Awomanwillquither jobbecauseshe trulyhates it.She is scared,butshe’lldoitanyway.Amanwillcalloffhiswedding,knowinghe’llbehatedforit.A56-year-old veterinarianwill start her first business, an app developerwill launchherfirstproduct,anda15-year-oldwillstartwritinghisfirstcookbook.

Abankerwillapplyforanexecutiverolethatshe’salwayswanted.Shedoesn’tfeel100%qualifiedbut that’snotgoingtostopherfromthrowingherhat in thering.Andamaninabarwillleavethesafetyofhisfriendstowalkacrosstheroomtoapproachanattractivewoman.Initially,he’llfeellikehe’sdyinginside,butitwillturnoutwaybetterthanheanticipated.

Theyknowtheymightfailorfallflatontheirfaces,buttheydoitanyway.Theypush themselves forwarddespite the feelings that scream“NO!”They feel afraidbuttheystillmove.

Thequestionis,why?Theanswerissimple:theyknowthesecrettogreatness.When your heart speaks, honor it, 5- 4- 3- 2- 1- andmove.They also know thealternativeandthatitisterrifying:missingoutonallthatyouaremeanttobecome.Livingonautopilotandswimmingrightpastallthemagic,opportunity,andjoythatyour life has to offer. And the greatest risk of all?Dying before you’ve actuallypushedyourselftolive.

Dan in California is not going to let that happen. He’s just registered forsummerclassesinfinance.Theideaofbeinga#44yearoldfreshmanisdaunting,buthedoesitanyway,because“nevertooold”iswhatitmeanstobegreat.

In Honolulu, Shirley is pushing herself to start living again after losing herhusband.She’s let toomany“five secondwindowsbewasted”over the last fouryears. Now, she is practicing everyday courage. She has started with somethingsmall—beginningtowalkagain.Thatonechangehasopeneddoorsthathavebeenclosedforyears.

In SantaMonica, California, Julie used the#5SecondRule to push herself tomakecallsthatmadehernervous,andgottwothings:greaterconfidenceinherselfand$5,000tohelpcurepancreaticcancer.

InNewDelhi,India,Pulkitistaking“somanyrisks”usingthe#5SecondRulethat it ishelpinghimgrow in “amazing”ways.He’snowalways “giving thebestshot”atwhathedoes,thankstotheRule.AndhehasapieceofadviceforDan,our 44-year-old freshman: keep pushing. Pulkit knows the power of everydaycouragebecausehejustfinishedhisbachelor’sdegree.

Afterahighstressweekatwork,Kathleenwantedto just“kickbackandfeelthebuzzofawell-deserveddrinkandnotdeal”butshe5-4-3-2-1anddrovepast

the familiar cars at the bar. It was a “white knuckle” drive home, but in thatmomentshewon.AsKathleenput it“Howeversmallthatdrivewas, itfelt likeavictory.”Andittrulywas.

InMinnesota,KellyhasmadeaHeartFirstfive-seconddecisionafteryearsofdreaming about it. She’smoving toFrance.Now that she’s decided, the fear hasdisappearedjustlikeRosaParkssaiditwould,andshe’lluseherbraintofigureoutthedetailsinsteadofallowingfeartoholdherback.

In London, England, Steve was suffering from PTSD and thinking aboutending his life as he rode on a ferry.His instincts told him to get help and the#5SecondRule“kickedin,”hemovedawayfromtherailing,andwalkedtowardastewardworkingontheferry.It tookthe lowestmomentofhis life toadmit justhowlostindepressionhehadbecome,butinlessthanfivesecondshe5-4-3-2-1anddiscoveredthecouragetosavehislife.

Andfinally,James…

Steve’s story hit James “close to my heart.” James lost his baby brother tosuicide just a year ago.As Jameswrote, “Iwishmy brother took 5. I can neverchangethat,butIcanchangemyself.”Usingthe#5SecondRule,hehasfoundthecourageheneedstowakeupandstartlivingagain:“It’stimeformetomoveon,backtomypassion,backtomyrunning.”Jamesmadeafiveseconddecision.Heisrunninga100miler,5-4-3-2-1,inmemoryofhisbrotherPatrick.

Yes,youcanmovemountains.Whateverishappeningrightnow,thisisit.Thisisyourlife.Andit’snotgoingtobeginagain.Youcan’tchangethepast,butinfivesecondsyoucanchangeyourfuture.

That’sthepowerofeverydaycourage.Whenyourheartspeaks,honorit,5-4-3- 2- 1- andmove.Onemoment of courage can change your day.One day canchangeyourlife.Andyourlifecanchangetheworld.

Thereisgreatnessinyou.Thetimetorevealitisnow.

5...4...3...2...1...GO!

The5SecondRuleThemomentyouhaveaninstincttoactona

goalyoumust

5-4-3-2-1andphysicallymoveoryourbrainwillstopyou.

IFYOULOVEDTHISBOOK,YOU’LLLOVETHISFREEGIFTEVENMORE!

31SESSIONSTO#REALCONFIDENCE

The#5SecondRuleImplementationProgram

Getexclusive insights,deeperstrategies,andthemostup-to-dateresearchtohelpyougainultimateclarityaroundwhatreallymatterstoYOU.

Deepenyourmasteryofthe#5SecondRuleforlastingresultswith31daysofMel’sone-to-oneguidance.

You’llhearadditionalpersonalstoriesandhaveaccesstonever-before-sharedtipsandaccountabilityexercisesthatwillpushyoutofollowthrough.

Finally,cutthroughtheoverwhelmandself-doubtstillholdingyoubackfromusingthe#5SecondRuleandcreateradicalchangeinyourlife.

Ifyou’vebeenwaitingforyourbreakthroughmoment,hereitis,Joinmeforjust31shortsessionsandtogetherwe’llunlockthepowerofYOU.

A$247VALUEYOURSFREE!TOJOINMEFOR31SESSIONSTO#REALCONFIDENCEPLEASEVISIT:

WWW.MELROBBINS.COM/31SESSIONS