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Helena Wallenberg-Lerner, Ph.D.
A to Zto Living in Connection
Daily practices to build and strengthen healthy and meaningful relationships
AuthenticityBe authentic. Be who you are. Let others see who you are.
Every individual is unique and a wonderful contributor to a better world.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”
—Aristotle
A
BalanceCreate your balance.
Find the balance within you by consciously working on it.
“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go”
—Rumi
B
CourageBe courageous.
Courage is always a decision. Let yourself be vulnerable. Express your
truth and feelings. It is contagious.
“Life shrinks or expands in direct proportion to one’s courage”
—Anais Nin
C
DisciplineBe disciplined.
Motivation keeps you going. But discipline keeps you growing.
“A disciplined mind leads to happiness, and an undisciplined mind leads to suffering.”
—Dalai Lama XIV
D
EmpathyPractice empathy.
It fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.
“A prerequisite to empathy is simply paying attention to the person in pain.”
—Daniel Goleman
E
FriendshipSeek friendships.
By trusting, you will earn friendships.
“The language of friendship is not words but meanings.”
—Henry David Thoreau
F
GrowGrow.
See conflict and challenges as stepping stones to maturity.
Love dies when it stops growing.
“Conflict is a friend in disguise! Its growth trying to happen, maturity knocking at the door saying: come, flourish, expand, prosper.”
—Hedy Schleifer
G
HarmonySync your thoughts, speech
and actions with harmony in mind.
Listen to others with the same approach.
“Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
H
IntimacyInvite intimacy into your life.
Allow important relationships to see all of you. And see all of them.
“Love is the meeting of two souls, that fully accepts the dark and light within each other. Stay determined to accept frustrations as a friend.”
—Helena Wallenberg-Lerner
I
JoyChoose joy. Smile.
Joy doesn’t happen by itself every day.
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, and sometimes your smile is the source of your joy.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh
J
Karlek(Kärlek means love in Swedish)
Love every day, yourself and others.
“Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.”
—Felix Adler
K..
LoveLove with your actions,
not with your words.
Learn to love by giving up your own fear, conflict and resistance.
“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third.”
—Marge Piercy
L
“Our relationship has a higher mission: to help each other reclaim our wholeness”
—Hedy Schleifer
M
MutualSupport others in order
to feel supported.
Finding mutual understanding and common ground benefits both
individuals in a relationship and are the backbone to living in connection.
NurtureNurture your relationships.
Feed them with intentional communications. Discard the weeds.
Be committed to do the work.
“Relationships are an opportunity for growth, our own repair, and crucible for transformation”
—Helena Wallenberg-Lerner
N
“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
—Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
O
OfferingOffer your very best.
Contribute every day to make a better world. Make a living by what you get.
Make a life by what you offer.
PresenceBe present.
Offer others the gift of your presence.
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh
P
“Practice the art of non-defensive listening and focus on being curious about your partner’s feelings”
—John Gottman
Q
QuestionAsk questions to seek understanding.
Be curious about your partner and important relationships.
RespectRespect yourself.
Respect your friends, your relationships and your enemies. Judgement should not show up. Accept uniqueness and different perspectives from everyone
you encounter.
“I believe we are going to find that respect and affection are essential to all relationships working and that contempt destroys them.”
—John Gottman
R
“Our relationships live in the space-in-between which is sacred. This space-in-between is to be found neither in one of the two partners, nor in both together,
but in their dialogue, in this “between” which they live together.”
—Martin Buber
S
ShareShare, exchange stories
and be open to being vulnerable.
Use dialogue to connect and share, show you care about your partners
feelings too.
TrustBelieve and have confidence
in your partner and with those you have relationships.
Trust is the foundation of connection.
“Trust starts with truth and ends with truth.”
—Santosh Kalwar
T
“Love is understanding”
—Thich Nhat Hanh
U
UnderstandingSeek to understand the joy and difficulties of others.
To understand takes listening and empathy.
VulnerabilityShow up, be seen,
ask for what you need.
Talk about how you feel, have difficult conversations, and trust your heart.
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.”
—Brene Brown
V
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
—Mahatma Gandhi
W
WelcomeWelcome new ways.
Continue to learn about yourself and your partner. Finding a connection, and
healthy and meaningful relationships requires open arms to a new way of
living and loving.
XOGive and receive hugs and kisses.
Physical affection is a human need.
“A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it’s easy to exchange.”
—Author Unknown
X
“Life is a helluva lot more fun if you say YES more than NO.”
—Richard Branson
Y
YesAffirm life with a yes, embrace
confidence and believe “yes you can”.
If there is not a full ‘yes’ between two partners—there is no agreement, no
forward movement.
ZestBe alive, intentional and feel joy
in all you do. Zest is like a magnet.
The more you experience it, the more will come your way.
Z
Successin life is all
about knowing
how to connect.
Helena Wallenberg-Lerner, Ph.D.
About the Author
Helena Wallenberg-Lerner, Ph.D., has been studying human connection, interdependent relationships, empathy, trust and the family’s role in society since 1994. As an education reformer, university instructor and cross-cultural researcher, Helena’s passion and expertise spans across a wide spectrum of populations: adults, children, couples, parents, teachers, and organizations.
Helena earned her Doctorate in Philosophy from the University of South Florida with an emphasis in Curriculum Instruction and Global Competence Education. She received her Master of Education in research from University of Cambridge, U.K. and has completed extensive clinical training and received certifications in the areas of marriage conflict, communications and connections, and intimacy from renown relationship authorities including: Dr. John Gottman and Hedy Schleifer. She is also an active practitioner in mindfulness and meditation in Tampa, Florida, led by a well-regarded Dharma teacher, Fred Eppsteiner.
Succeeding extensive clinical trainings Helena received certifications from renowned relationship authorities, Dr. John Gottman and Hedy Schleifer, in the areas of marriage conflict, communications and connections and intimacy.
In 2017, Helena founded the Aanlän Institute; an international science-based organization that provides education, workshops, and tools to help individuals build and strengthen relationships. With offices in Tampa, Florida, USA, and Stockholm, Sweden, the company offers keynote speaking programs, workshops and relationship intensives. For more information please visit Aanlan.com or contact [email protected]
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