The AbacusEdition No.12

If you are reading this then you really ought to stop slacking and get back to

your revision.

Still here? Oh well, YOLO.

No, seriously. You have much more important

things to do than sit there reading this rubbish.

2 he Abacus

1. Why has the number of head‐phones in use around the school suddenly tripled?

2. FP1. Why?

3. How can we be expected to use the inserts in the past paper booklets when removing them makes the booklets painfully untidy?

4. How can we contain our ex‐citement at the appearance of matching clocks everywhere?

5. Is the appearance of four rows of apple juice cans in Our Favourite Vending Machine in any way connected to the healthy eating drive?

6. Who told Ed Miliband he could get away with using the word 'ain't' in interviews?

7. Are these new seating plans evidence of the school's plan to

implement every possible per‐mutation of every class in, er, very slow motion?

8. Why are there so many bank holidays at this time of year?

9. Why hasn't KCLMS been se‐lected for use as a polling sta‐tion? We feel cheated of our day off.

10. A r e t h e e x a m s ( a n d elections) over yet?

By Roy Alf Awner

Ordinary life came to an end in Britain, KCLMS and its war-torn de‐pedency of Kudos this week as news reports emerged that a woman gave birth to a baby in a hospital in cen‐tral London. A hotline set up by the National Society for those Who Lack A Sense of Proportion (NSFW for short) crashed the entire telecommunications network with 598,432.42j callers squealing at dan‐gerously high frequencies down the line. However, some critics were less hysterical.

Heros Herosinos, Marxist leader of the Kudos Liberation Front, said "I oppose KCL, Britain, the Monarchy and 62% of what it stands for. How‐ever, the KLF recognises that the Monarchy is justiied and ancient. As we ight off the KCLMS imperial‐ist pig-dogs, we will stand by the jams".

Heros is understood to be currently recovering from nervous strain due to overwork.

Here in Britain, groundbreaking re‐sponse by statisticians and histori‐ans has found that, in the UK alone, over 4 births a year have been achieved every year since 1945. his has let experts scratching their head as to why some births create satura‐tion media coverage and others are totally ignored by the world's media.

Oh, and the baby is called Charlotte.

Seeing as the capitalist Empire of Kudos has suffered a failure of lead‐ership, which shall hasten its in‐evitable decline, the Democratic People's Republic of Kudos has de‐cided that it is in the interests of the proletariat of both countries that the DPRK become the sovereign leader of the territory of the Empire of Ku‐dos. To this end, the DPRK declares a state of war against the Empire of Kudos.

Devised by Finnbar and Varun

Shock: Woman gives birth to

baby

10 hings We Want To Know

Legal Notice: Declaration of war

on Empire of Kudos

3he Abacus

here's an election on, you know. Around this time, it is traditional for newspapers to throw their prestige and credibility behind one political party or another. We at the Abacus have been thinking seriously about our endorsement, as our huge inlu‐ence could decide the outcome of the election and thus we have an im‐

portant responsibility to the nation.

Over the ive years of the Liberal Democrat - Conservative coalition, the country has been transformed. Now we have so many things that were unheard of in 2010. he Bed‐room Tax. Same-sex marriage. Game of hrones. he Coalition was formed with three key aims: elimi‐nate the budget deicit; let the Lib Dems think they were important while the grown-ups took the real decisions; and to triple the number of street parties held.

How well did it do? Well, this year Britain will borrow £90 billion, which is approximately equal to the zero we were promised. Ater all if you are considering one trillion as your lowest signiicant igure then ninety billion rounds to zero. It is all evidence of the economic miracle the Coalition has achieved, protect‐ing the budget deicit while slashing services, economic growth and wages.... hang on a minute!

On their second aim, the Coalition was equally successful. Five Lib Dems skipped into the Cabinet ive years ago. Two of them resigned af‐ter scandals, one of them almost lost his job. he only Lib Dem who has been heard from since is Nick Clegg,

with his smash hit 'I'm Sorry'. And inally, street parties have indeed grown massively, even in London, where millions of residents were shocked to discover the existence of their neighbours. he economic competence of the Tories, the strength of the Liberal Democrats: we were sorely tempted, but irst we needed to look at the Opposition.

We looked at the Green Party but sadly found their leader's... creative g r a s p o f m a t h e m a t i c s t o o distressing. he party of the strange woman who appeared on the TV de‐bates and only talked about Wales the whole time had some interesting things to say, but we feel that it is ex‐cessively Welsh. UKIP is ine if you blame the European Union for ev‐erything (except loods- that is same-sex marriage), aspire to some nostalgia-saturated illusion of a 1950s Britain, or are a little bit racist/sexist/homophobic. Fortu‐nately, we're not so we can scratch them of our lists.

So lastly we turned to the Labour Party. Ah, Labour. It is a treat to lis‐ten to them defending their record. Under regulating the banks? "We got it wrong." he Iraq War? "We got that wrong too." he Olympic Games. "Yeah, sorry about- no wait!" and you can hear the relief in their voices as they can stop apologising for their record. hey are admittedly less feeble when talking about the future. Lower tuition fees, votes at 16, lower housing costs, a fairer tax system and free cake for all. A land of milk and honey and obsession about arbitrary iscal constraints in an attempt to secure economic cred‐ibility from a sceptical electorate.

Ultimately, only David Cameron or Ed Miliband will be Prime Minister ater the election. We could be for‐given for wishing for a hung parlia‐ment and leaving the Lib Dems to make that depressing choice! How‐ever, we will not shirk that choice: there is a man whose heart is irmly in the right place and that is... (Con‐tinued page 94)

Editorial: On Britain's Future

4 he Abacus

The Revision Guide

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