he Editor of the Abacus, Jack Dar‐rant, has expressed outrage at claims by a gang of youths that the newspa‐per is 'populist trash' that combines idle speculation, sensationalism and hyperbole that would 'make the Dai‐ly Star blush'. he dodgy group of yobs have called themselves Bashing Rather Untabloidy Newspapers Evil‐ly, Like 13 times (BRUNEL 13) and are understood to spend their time slandering respected institutions and talking to a plush pig.

Today, we launch a petition ad‐dressed to the plush pig, asking that it call off its mob of yobs and slobs and get them doing something edu‐cational instead, like watching X Factor or reading this newspaper. he Deputy Deputy Executive Edi‐tor of Metro is supporting the cru‐sade for justice, launching a blister‐ing attack on 'tabloid haters'. She said:

"Time and time again stuck-up Guardianista types have sneered at us in the gutter press, saying that there is more to journalism than papping celebs and appealing to the lowest common denominator. And now this BRUNEL 13 gang are do‐

ing the same thing, it's scandalous."

Rumours circulated by BRUNEL 13 that the Editor had sold out the newspaper to Rupert Murdoch were dismissed by him with a bitter laugh, and a snide remark to the ef‐fect that he would be lucky to buy a can of Pepsi with the proceeds of any sale. Yet experts, when contact‐ed by this reporter, said that the newspaper could be made more proitable if it engaged readers with cons/bonus offers like Hols for £9.50 or a bingo game.

In other news, the Abacus welcomed its new owner, a Mr R. Murdoch, who has declared his intention to 'raise standards' at the newspaper by iring the printing staff, publishing questionable photographs on its third page and banning the use of words longer than ive letters in h e a d l i n e s . I n a s h o c k announcement, the Great Media Baron also revealed to the surprise resignation of the Editor 'to spend more time with his textbooks' (Wait a second, can we check this is right? Ed.)

In a world exclusive, this newspaper can reveal the secret that global bestselling singer, dodgy driver and hair stylist Bustin Jieber, uses to keep his barnet in its glorious limp‐ness. It transpires that ASDA Smart Price 'Industrial Launderette Scent' Shampoo (price 27p) is Jieber's all time favourite, with a crate of bottles accompanying him on every tour. In common with most of the Smart Price range, the shampoo is recycled from a mixture of spent nuclear fuel rods, chemical factory waste and mechanically recovered meat. It is praised for its taste, reminiscent of Coca Cola and trile.

Music industry insiders speculated that Jieber habitually drinks the sub‐stance in order to give his voice the shrill and oten synthesised qualities that characterise what is termed- for want of a better word- his 'singing'. If true, that must be the most lucra‐tive outcome of shampoo drinking in history. And so it must be a com‐

plete co-incidence that one Mr Imon Scowell was spotted by Abacus hacks in ASDA Los Angeles asking staff for directions to the hair care sec‐tion.

Yobs Offend Editor With

'Tabloid' Jibe

Bustin Jieber's

Favourite Shampoo Revealed

The AbacusEdition #15

2 he Abacus

1. Is a lack of tolerance for ex‐tremism evidence of extremist anti-extremism?

2. How many redrats of a per‐sonal statement is it possible to produce?

3. Have we found ourselves a cheerleader?

4. Why can't Imperial decide which entrance tests it's using?

5. Who decided that stacks of textbooks weren't a permanent feature of the comfy chairs in the library?

6. How come nobody told us about the existence of a base‐ment?

7. What is the school's policy on bringing the following pets into school- gerbils, dogs, daleks?

8. Why does the ire alarm keep going off randomly for ten sec‐onds?

9. How many chairs are there in the school and what is their average colour?

10. Could someone please tell the author of that whiteboard message that, yes we did have a nice day and thank you for the warm words?

Ater the Glorious Day, the exploita‐tive elites will have been shaken from their positions of privilege and subsumed into the proletariat, which will become the sole and rul‐ing class. It follows that only one class should be permitted per com‐

puter program, in the name of con‐sistency and dissolving class division and hypocrisy. In particular, middle class objects such as facsimile paint‐ings and quinoa recipebooks have no place in modern computing.

All good Socialist computer pro‐grams must henceforth abolish class objects altogether or ensure they are compatible with a single class. his might add signiicantly to the length and risk of errors in the program, however the burden could be under‐written by taxing the upper class ob‐jects, such as by taking three quar‐ters of their characters away.

by Varun

Since the drastic change in 2045 to make Comic Sans MS the official font of the Kingdom of Kudos, there had been a major decline in other t h e n - p opu l a r f ont s s u c h a s Wingdings and Wingdings 2 (the se‐quel). But here, the E-bacus (elec‐tronic Abacus, of course) is proud to bring you an article written with the original Times New Kudos font! It's an antique: so you may want to save this on your hard-brain drive, be‐cause within twenty four hours - Robotics Club, now run by graph-powered AI robots - shall destroy all copies and possibly obliterate me with brutal sine curves.

hat is, unless the newly appointed mathematical morals minister for our school, Mr.Blobson - the cute and cuddly pink gliding pig from Brunel's PSHCEICME (Personal So‐cial Health Citizenship Economic Il‐luminati Calculus and Mindlessness Education) lessons - has nothing to say about it!

In other news, Astronomy Club has inally sent a manned yellow chair to Alpha Centauri faster than the speed of maths. his has perhaps over‐shadowed the news that Board G am e s C lu b Pre s i d e nt , M r. Tworoom Buffoon, has released the endangered Skulls into the wild for the irst time since the game charac‐

ters irst came to life and started guarding Room 6 armed with large-mini-whiteboards and whiteboard pens.

Here, in 2062, while things have got‐ten quite interesting, we contemplate over the quiet beginnings of KCLMS, when the pioneers irst stepped foot into this beautiful insti‐tution...and how dull it would have been had they not started such amazing trends and activities.

STOP PRESS: he ceiling white‐boards have inally arrived...ater sixty years of student council fund‐ing...

Policy #3: Reform class objects

From the Archives

10 hings We Want To Know

Our archivist gos trawling through our iles... this time back to the future, into the 2060s.

3he Abacus

by Amy Sellers

he importance of understanding and helping someone in an unfortu‐nate situation, can make a whole load of difference. Which is why; in the wake of the Typhoon Haiyan disaster in the Philippines in November 2013, I decided to spend 3 weeks this summer volunteering in Disaster Relief with Projects Abroad. Our efforts were focused on repairing and rebuilding the class‐rooms damaged in the typhoon and providing housing for families in the ishing town of nearby San Remigio.

It was incredible to stay with my hosts, the Madeja family, and really get a feel as to what life is like in he Philippines. I was able to taste differ‐ent foods, learn part of a new lan‐guage and partake in cultural tradi‐tions. Not only was my host family so wonderful throughout the trip, but the people of Bogo City were all so welcoming. heir appreciation was so genuine and everyone is so cheerful despite the Typhoon. One of daughters, Kristal, told me that their home had been completely de‐stroyed by the disaster, and the whole family (of 6) had to share one room, until their new home was constructed. It amazed how positive the whole City was, and how hum‐

bling it was to see everyone working together, and helping each other out.

On the irst night when we all sat done for dinner, they were shocked to ind out I was a vegetarian! It's al‐

most unheard of in the Philippines, and they couldn't understand what I would eat if not meat. However, my host mother tried very hard to pre‐pare vegetarian, cultural dishes, so I could still experience their cuisine. She was a great cook.

Initially I was concerned about not being able to keep up with the other volunteers, and that I wouldn't phys‐ically be able to cope with the manu‐al labour. However the staff are real‐ly welcoming, and have a keen eye for spotting what a person is com‐

fortable with. No-one will push you into doing something: you set the pace and you can always ask for help from them. he tasks I was involved with included carrying 40kg bags of cement, mixing cement, building walls, sawing roof frames, and in‐ishing the cement walls.

We worked Monday to Friday, from 8am until 5pm with a two hour break for lunch in the middle of the day. It was really physically demand‐ing work, and I would inish every day covered in sweat and dirt and very much looking forward to a shower. Despite me visiting during the rainy season, it was undoubtedly the hottest place I have ever been. I was reapplying sunscreen so oten, I got through 4 bottles during my visit. It is also important to keep covered as new volunteers can suffer intense heatstroke as they are un‐used to this climate. I did come home with a decent tan however, you can still see some of it today!

If it was someone's last day at the project, we would usually all go into the township, to visit the Karaoke bars, or to hang out in the plaza. he staff also organised activities for ev‐

ery Wednesday night. One of the ac‐tivities was a pop quiz. he teams were sorted by which branch of vol‐unteers you were from. hese in‐cluded: disaster relief, care, teaching and medicine. It helped us to learn more about each other and the countries we are from. he staff were also wonderful in helping us plan our weekend trips. hey told us ev‐erything we needed to know about transportation and gave us recom‐

mendations on the best places to eat or the best things to see. One week‐end, I visited the island of Malapas‐cua. It was such a beautiful place, and so peaceful. It was nice to relax ater a busy and exhausting week. I went on a boat trip around the is‐land, and a group of us went snorkelling. It was such an amazing experience to see what the world looks like under water, and in such a tropical place too. At one point, an octopus swam past me and I felt like I was in a documentary.

I honestly found this to be such a worthwhile way to spend my sum‐

mer, and knowing that I had provid‐ed shelter, and housing for people in need made me feel really proud of myself. I would wholeheartedly rec‐ommend this experience. You have the opportunity to participate in new cultures, literally change people's lives, and have fun whilst you're doing it! If anyone is inter‐ested in participating in a project like this, Projects Abroad offer packages in over 20 different coun‐tries, with such a wide range of p l a c e m e n t s . w w w. p r o j e c t s -abroad.co.uk . Next year, I will be travelling to Ghana as part of a con‐servation project, and I am absolute‐ly looking forward to it.

My summer changing the world

4 he Abacus

by A.N. Observer

A number of refugees recently ar‐rived on the shores of the so-called Kingdom of Kudos, leeing from conlict between armed groups in Syria and Russia. It is reported by US-based correspondents that they let in response to 'communist' Rus‐sian air strikes, though we cannot verify this with any independent sources.

heir arrival from Turkey has caused confusion among Kudossers, who had assumed that, given Kudos' own inancial difficulties and recent conlict, it would be a bad place to lee to. Some have speculated that they may have gone to the wrong is‐land, given that their vessel lacked any functioning steering or propul‐sion equipment.

he Democratic People's Republic of Kudos (DPRK) stated that the coast on which they landed was in fact in the DPRK, having been liberated from monarchy earlier this year. hey also offered the refugees asy‐lum in their utopian republic.

he most negative response was from the newly formed Patriotic Goat-herds Against the Islamisation of Kudos, who said that the islands could not take in all 492+j pi of them without the serious danger of undermining fundamental Kudosser values. According to them, the only acceptable responses are that the refugees be deported or exponenti‐

ated. Deportation to the DPRK was not feasible, as the PGAIK, along with the so-called KoK, do not be‐lieve in the existence of the DPRK. he Kudos Maritime Transport Co., which operates a monopoly in the islands, said it only had capacity to transport 3.5 people per day off Ku‐dos, and also explained that, accord‐ing to its regulations, in the event of overcrowding, racists have priority on outbound sailings. (Inbound, however, they will not be carried).

heir other proposal, of exponentia‐tion, ran into problems when it was pointed out that this would lead to more negative people than there are atoms in the universe. Also, putting humans into mathematical func‐tions is usually considered to be a serious violation of their rights.

As these debates raged, the All-Ku‐dos Migration Agency decided that the refugees had a perfectly reason‐able asylum claim, and issued them with passports of the more peaceful Empire of Kudos. he PGAIK protested again against this, saying that the refugees were persistently involved in violence (mainly being attacked by racist locals), and so their removal was needed to keep the peace.

In the end, in a rare display of unity, the DPRK and the so-called KoK agreed that the best solution was to deport the PGAIK, as they were found to be the cause of the violence. hey were sent to Greece, where they merged into the Golden Dawn, and published predictions that Kudos would soon be under Is‐lamic law.

Unsurprisingly, it never was, and the Empire of Kudos has experienced large economic gains from the dou‐bling of its population and the intro‐duction of a diversity of skills be‐

yond goat-herding, pea farming and cat hustling. hese include building solid houses, manufacturing polyhe‐dra out of cocktail sticks and under‐writing pet insurance policies. he latter has proved particularly valu‐able, bringing foreign currency back to the shores of Kudos.

by Sebastian Towers

A gruesome string of murders has recently made its way into school life as a group referring to them‐

selves as the assassins attempt to kill each other in what can really only be metaphorically described as a giant blood-splattered conga line. Howev‐er instead putting your hand on the shoulders of the person in front and doing a little dance you have to drive a knife into their neck when no-one's looking.

As of yet no-one actually knows why the assassins have decided that their uniform should include a great big hole in the neck. It has been speculated that the recent death of their leader has created a power vac‐uum, leading to the string of killing as members desperately try to seize power. Another possible reason is the mystery of who took the last Kit Kat from the vending machine. An‐other theory is that a mix of mental and physical exhaustion from a combination of UCAS and having to walk twice as far to get around the school gate has driven the leading members to the point of insanity, causing them to see members of

Kudos solves its refugee

crisis

School rocked by wave of

murders

5he Abacus

by Lukas Rygh

As anyone well versed in the school entrance would know, King's college London apparently has a thriving population of cyclists. Well, it should have. Ater all, the gate that we co-opted is constantly full of bikes!

Sadly, this cyclist paradise is but an illusion. I can say with absolute cer‐tainty that the only actual STU‐

DENT cycling at the moment is me (Barring one fair weather cyclist*, who doesn't - and shouldn't - count). his of course begs the ques‐tion of why more of you aren't cy‐cling. Is it just because of the weath‐er? Because barring another biblical rainstorm, cycling is far more com‐

fortable than walking! (Walking isn't that bad! Ed.) And you didn't hear this from me, but you could proba‐bly class 'cycling to and from school' as strong evidence of a healthy lifestyle, if you really hated PE. But that's neither here nor there, and the main beneit of cycling is just… the journey. Even if you're the sort of person who hates the outdoors and cringes at sunlight, you can still en‐joy cycling. Ater all, the city is at its most beautiful in the dark. And guess what - the days are getting a lot shorter right now.

I mean... just look at the city now. Look out the window, or ind one if you're sitting in the pods. Maybe go for a walk outside, if you're reading this at lunch. Either way, take in the city. Smell the gasoline and the dog poo, and watch the world go by. Now try and imagine this at night.

When it starts getting dark, the city lights up like its Christmas. While it's probably a good thing that you Year 12s don't have to trudge along to the Strand Campus at 7:00 in the evening for language classes, the view from the bridge aterwards is truly a sight to behold. And it's not just the river - the whole city seems to brighten up as the sun goes down. he estates near the Oval turn from dreary structures to shining beacons of… something. Probably poverty, knowing what the current Govern‐ment is like. Talking of the Oval, has anyone noticed the new cycle path being built there? It's basically a gi‐ant highway for bikes, and makes riding near that are a lot safer. Or at least it's supposed to - I don't really trust the superhighways, and the back roads are a lot more fun.

But I've gone on a tangent. Again. I hope the past four hundred or so words have convinced you to pick up a bike (Even just a Boris bike - there is a station quite near the school) and ride to school, if only just once. …Please?

*In Year 13.

Soon, there will be a Boris bike for every colour in the rainbow!

their own group as giant leshy piñatas waiting to be opened to re‐veal what can only be guessed as to be lots and lots of yummy chocolate.

Possibly the most efficient assassin so far is the one known as 'Snake-eyes' Joselyn, who's been said to have killed 3 people in just one day simply by "making eye contact with them" before the victims let out a bloody-curdling scream and col‐lapsed on the lood in a bloody heap (according to her Wikipedia page). What is certain is that in a stunning example of dramatic irony the very next day Joselyn herself was also killed whilst making a trip to the printer.

One would have thought that gov‐erning body of KCLMS would inter‐vene, but in a surprising twist of events they has decided to let the as‐sassins go on with their murderous rampage unhindered. When ques‐tioned as to why they responded: "Whilst unorthodox we feel the as‐sassins are helping to represent and promote school values. Mutual re‐spect, independence and resilience are just a few of the traits we feel are being brought out in our students as a result of recent events. As such we give the assassins full permission to carry on with their activities and furthermore actively encourage them to continue doing so."

Here at the Abacus we would also like to state our support of the assas‐sins and their endeavours, in a total‐ly not we-don't-want-to-die kind of way. At the time of writing there still remains a few assassins worryingly intent on seeing how pretty the rest of their group would look bleeding out on the loor. Despite everything, I think I can safely say we are all very interested to see who rises to the top to prove themselves as KCLMS's ultimate assassin!

he Soapbox: On Cycling to School

6 he Abacus

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2ueb7‐mumsr5k0mr/Clue.png?dl=0

Place de la Concorde

Whistler's Mother

Portrait of Adele Bloch-Bauer I

Girl Before a Mirror

he Pursuit of Oblivion

Tiger in a Tropical Storm

Painter on the Road to Tarascon

Composition with Red, Yellow and Blue

OMNIPUZZLE

No.5

7he Abacus

by Sebastian Monnet

At the turn of the eighteenth centur y, mathematics was in turmoil, its very foundations shaken by a vicious conlict over the devel‐opment of Calculus. Two men - Isaac Newton and Gottfried Wil‐helm Leibniz - claimed to have in‐vented the revolutionary new branch of analysis, and the Euro‐pean scientiic community was torn in half by the dispute.

Both men had immense intellects which they applied to a multitude of ields. While Leibniz made great strides in Philosophy and interna‐tional diplomacy, Newton's detailed studies of heology and Chemistry (then in the guise of alchemy) made profound impacts on academia. Newton is, of course, well known for contributions to Physics; he discov‐ered gravity, along with formulating his laws of motion and theories of optics. Leibniz is far less famous, but his vast contributions to Engineer‐ing, Geology, and even early Com‐

puting are vital to much of modern science.

It is an undisputed fact that Newton developed his method of luxional calculus long before Leibniz invent‐ed his integral techniques. his is ap p a r e nt p r i m a r i l y b e c au s e Newton's notes on calculus date back as early as 1666, long before Leibniz had even begun to learn mathematics from his Dutch mentor, Christiaan Huygens. When the Great Plague struck, Newton re‐treated from Cambridge to his childhood home of Woolsthorpe,

where he worked in relative isolation, making many of his most important discoveries, including cal‐culus.

Seven years later, in 1673, Leibniz had been taught mathematics by Huygens in Paris, and began his for‐mulation of calculus; he published in 1984, while Newton's work re‐mained unknown to the public. At this point, Newton raised no objec‐tion, and ater four years, proceeded to publish his revolutionary text 'Principia Mathematica' in 1687.

Now both mathematicians had re‐leased calculus into the public do‐main, but the mathematical commu‐nity recognized them as the dual creators of calculus, sharing equally in credit for its discovery. his began to change when Nicolas Fatio de Duillier accused Leibniz of stealing Newton's principles of luxional cal‐culus. A swarm of learned men de‐scended on the pair, spinning allega‐tions of plagiarism.

he conlict was in full swing by 1710, with a huge divide running through European mathematics. Newton had the full support of the British Royal Society, while the rest of Europe was broadly supportive of Leibniz. Of course, there was an ele‐ment of patriotism in the Royal So‐ciety's favouring Newton, since there was little evidence to suggest either had copied the other. Most of Eu‐rope preferred Leibniz's calculus due to its simpler and more comprehen‐sible notation, and was hence in‐clined to back him as its inventor.

Ater six agonising years, Leibniz died in 1716. European mathemati‐cians adopted Leibniz's analytical calculus, building on his work to make extraordinary mathematical advances, Britain's discoveries stag‐nated for over a century due to its

absolute devotion to the inefficient methods of Newton's luxions. Fi‐nally, in 1820, the Analytical Society succeeded in convincing British mathematicians to adopt Leibniz's notation, and it has been used worldwide ever since.

Despite the modern global prefer‐ence for his methods, Leibniz is rarely credited as Calculus 's inventor, and most are completely unaware of his involvement. As such, one the greatest geniuses of the seventeenth century lies forgot‐ten, merely a footnote in mathemati‐cal history.

he school is publicising a long-awaited student discount agreed with our neighbours at Koza. KCLMS students can avail them‐

selves of lunches for £5, a discount of nearly 40% on the standard price.

he publishers of the Advancing Physics textbooks have informed KCLMS that, having done nothing about their order for 70-odd A2 textbooks for several months, they can only supply the handful of re‐maining copies as 'it's the last year of the spec and we like, CBA print more, y'know?' he Abacus wonders how it is possible to be so useless as to fail to inform buyers before Octo‐ber...

he Battle for Calculus

Publisher: No physics books

'cos effort'

Lunches for a iver at Koza

8 he Abacus

MME

AS. A suitcase is standing on a man,who is jumping in the air from a lit, which is travelling up insider another lit, within a skyscraper that is hanging off a pulley. On the other end of that pulley is a black hole. his entire system is balanced on a train that moves at light speed.he suitcase drops another pulley (hold‐ing masses of 200 kg and 65j kg) onto the man's head. If the man drops a penny out of the lit, how long will it take to reach the loor of the containing lit?

A2. he Lundun Ondergroond net‐work consists of a series of twelve tunnels arranged in overlapping golden spirals, radiating out of a central terminus. Each tunnel is 50 metres deeper than rotated π/6 me‐tres from the last. here are 24 trains on each line, stopping at random stations. What is the network's cen‐tre of mass?

MS(D/T)

AS. I am at a party (well done me, right?). I am also eating peeled garlic, picking some brightly coloured balls out of a bag and breathing ire from my nostrils. he probability that a given person there owns a dog, has purple hair and likes he Truman Show is 1/288. As it is a particularly good party, the ra‐tio of girls to boys is 19:1 and every‐body likes Green Day. What is the probability that a girl who owns a dog can attend the party without be‐ing injured by my ire breathing an‐tics?

A2. Last week, I was handed a total

of 13 textbooks, 8 of which were from North London Collegiate School. Of these, the probability of a given book being haunted with li‐brary ghosts is 0.937. Given that I had 35 periods in which to be hand‐ed the textbooks in, model the situa‐tion using a Not Normal distribu‐tion approximation of a Dead Fish approximation of a Binomial ap‐proximation of a Normal Dead Fish distribution for the number of haunted textbooks I get per period. Estimate the probability that my textbooks are para Normal.

MCO

AS. Use the result of the multiplica‐tion of matrix M by a vector consist‐ing of any two complex numbers of your choosing to prove that:

A2. he function of the cafeteria is to provide a domain for eating, play‐ing tinny music at unsociable vol‐umes and, for the particularly soundproofed or studious, working. By implicit differentiation of this function, expressed in terms of vari‐

ables of some description, ind out the codomain of the cafeteria. he function of Room 9 is to be isolated from the school and, you know, stu‐dents. Combine these functions in any order and determine if the do‐main is entirely subjective or objec‐tive.

Physics

AS. An emergency is going on. he X Factor appears on your TV set, which is situated on the opposite side of a transparent concrete/glass hybrid prism from the remote con‐trol. Assuming that you press the standby button instantaneously (well you would, wouldn't you?), calculate the exact length of time that Imon Scowell's smug face will appear for.

A2. Jeremy Corbyn has an interest‐ing ability to exude kinetic energy. he Labour leader is known to ener‐gise his supporters and make oppo‐nents feel the heat. Using Charles' Law, predict the volume of hot air that is produced by the Tories if Corbyn induces 20 MW of energy into the House of Commons for ive years.

The Revision Guide