Adoption & Foster CareResource Guide

April 2011

Welcome!

Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church, is pleased to provide you with this collection of diverse and helpful adoption and foster care resources. Whether you are just beginning to consider adoption as a way to start or add to your family, or you have already begun traveling the life-changing adoption or foster care journey, it is our sincere hope that the stories, information and perspectives in this notebook will be a valuable and encouraging resource to you.

At the same time we recognize that the best resources are often others who have already traveled similar paths, and so we encourage you to consider this ministry and those that make up our community of families as available resources – no matter what your questions, doubts or fears may be. Our families are well acquainted with the unique joys and challenges that you are likely to encounter and we would be delighted to encourage and support you in any way possible.

Please know that wherever this journey may take you and your family, we desire to be a source of connection, encouragement and information for you. Let us know how we can best serve and support you along the way.

Blessings,

The Tapestry Team

Tapestry is an encouraging and supportive community of adoptive and foster families as well as those who are considering or in process to adopt or become licensed to foster. For more information about Tapestry please visit www.tapestry.irvingbible.org or email us at tapestry@irvingbible.org.

i

Adoption & Foster CareResource Guide

Table of Contents

Page

I. Getting Started

Questions Everyone Asks When Considering Adoption* 1

Ten Questions to Consider as You Explore Adoption* 2

What to Consider When Considering Adoption* 3

8 Myths and Realities About Adoption 5

II. Overview of the Adoption Options

Adoption Options 6

The Truth About Domestic Adoption 15

What’s What? A Summary of the Foster Care and Foster Adoption

Alternatives* 18

International Adoption – What You Need to Know 20

Open Adoption Converts 22

III. Choosing an Adoption/Foster Care Agency

Suggested Questions for Selecting an Adoption Agency

for a Domestic Adoption* 25

Suggested Questions for Selecting an Adoption Agency

for an International Adoption* 28

Suggested Questions for Selecting an Agency for

Foster Care or Foster Care Adoption* 31

IV. Adoption Finances

Adoption Costs and Financial Assistance Resources* 35

ii

V. How to Wait Well

Making the Wait Worthwhile* 39

Ideas to Help Make Your Adoption Wait Worthwhile* 48

VI. Parenting the Adopted Child

When the Love is Slow to Come 50

Six Words for Adoptive Parents to Live By 53

Speaking Positively: Using Respectful Adoption Language 57

Paradoxes of Adoptive Parenting 61

VII. A New Perspective – Stories to Inspire & Encourage

Beyond Lucky 66

Being Thankful for the Broken Things* 68

She Who Truly Loves 70

Still Room for More* 72

An Unmatched Set 74

Fostering Love 77

Completely His* 80

VIII. Tapestry Reading & Resource List* 83

* indicates stories, articles and resources written or compiled by Tapestry families

1

Questions Everyone Asks When Considering Adoption . . .(And What They Really Want to Know)

Questions are a normal and expected part of exploring adoption and working through some of the challenging and difficult aspects of making a confident adoption decision. We encourage you to be open and honest about the questions you have and we want to assure you that Tapestry is a safe place to ask these questions and find honest and reliable answers.

Here are just a few of the questions that most everyone asks when considering adoption – and what they really want to know. Please know that there are many Tapestry families, with a diverse array of experiences and backgrounds, that would love to listen and talk with you as you consider the life changing adventure of adoption.

How do I know if adoption is right for me? (What if I make a mistake?)

What process is best for me/us? (Which process is risk-free?)

How long will it take? (What is the shortest process I can pursue?)

How much will it cost? (Will I go broke trying to adopt?)

What agency or service provider should I use? (Will someone just tell me which agency I should use?)

How will my family and friends react? (What if my family thinks I’m crazy and my friends don’t “get it”?)

What will I have to “give up” if I adopt? (Will I still get to have a baby shower and will people still celebrate with our family?)

Will I be able to love a child that is not biologically related to me? (What if I don’t feel a connection or this child doesn’t bond with me?)

What if something goes “wrong”? (Is this going to hurt?)

If you would like to talk with an experienced adoptive or foster family in Tapestry contact Amy Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org.

2

Ten Questions to Consider As You Explore Adoption

These questions are designed to help those who are exploring adoption think through some important considerations and ideas relating to the adoption decision process. Please keep in mind that there are not right or wrong answers to these questions.

After you have thought through your answers we would encourage you to discuss these questions and your thoughts with your spouse, if you are married, and then identify an experienced adoptive family to talk with as well. Please feel free to contact Amy Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org and she will put you in touch with a Tapestry family who will walk with you as you explore adoption.

1. What are my biggest fears regarding adoption?

2. Do/will my close family and friends support my decision to adopt? If not, why?

3. How do I define the concept of family? In other words, what is a family?

4. What personal experience(s) do I have regarding adoption – whether positive or negative?

5. Does adoption seem “normal” to me?

6. If married, does my spouse have the same ideas about adoption?

7. What have I done thus far to educate myself about adoption?

8. What, if anything, do I feel that I would lose or be “giving up” if I choose to adopt?

9. Why do/would I want to adopt?

10. How do I feel about birthparents (i.e., the biological parents of children who wereadopted)?

3

What to Consider When Considering Adoption

by Michael and Amy Monroe

So you are considering adoption? As the parents of four children, each of whom were welcomed into our family through adoption, we cannot think of anything more beautiful and wonderful. You may think to start the adoption process by seeking quality information and resources, evaluating the pros and cons of the various adoption alternatives and trying to identify a good agency. While all of these considerations are very important and certainly necessary steps along the way, we believe there are some equally important, but often overlooked, things you should consider as you get started.

Assess Your Motivations – Being honest about our motivations can be a tricky thing at times. The reality is, however, that when making an adoption decision healthy motivations are very important. For most people their motivations for adopting are often multi-faceted and even complex. It is not so much that there is one ‘right’ motivation for wanting to adopt, as there are several wrong motivations – motivations that more often than not lead to great disappointment and much hurt and heartache for everyone involved. It is important not to adopt because you are trying to prove something or make a point, because it is the “in” thing or even the “Christian thing” to do or because you want to “rescue” a child. Instead, a primary motivation for adopting should always be love – love that you have and are willing to unconditionally give to a child for a lifetime . . . love that will enable a child to heal and fully experience the blessings and security of a forever family . . . love that will point a child to the ultimate love – the unfailing love of God. So as you consider adoption be sure to honestly and openly examine and discuss your motivations.

Develop Realistic Expectations – We have found that adoptive parents that have realistic expectations about the adoption journey are far more likely to thrive even in the midst of the challenges often associated with adoption. Adoptive families who are willing to be honest and open about their experiences – both the highs and the lows –are often the best resource for helping those considering adoption learn what to truly expect. As you move forward it is essential to avoid overly romanticized notions and fairytale dreams of how your adoption will unfold. There will undoubtedly be “miracle moments” and indescribable joy along the way, but there will be some frustration and disappointment as well. As we always tell families, expect that the adoption journey will be difficult at times, but ultimately worth it all – so no matter what don’t try to go it alone. Talk with experienced adoptive families and others about what you should realistically expect and know that God is doing something truly beautiful, even if it does not always appear as you might have imagined.

Pray Every Step of the Way – With the vast amount of detail and complexity associated with the adoption process, it is far too easy to forget to prayerfully approach every step along the journey. Each decision and each alternative should be prayerfully considered. And yet, it can often be difficult to know just how and what to pray. If that’s the case for you, consider praying for wisdom and discernment, and maybe start by

4

asking God to lead and guide you as you honestly assess your motivations and expectations. Also remember that so many lives are affected and impacted by each and every adoption – so don’t forget to pray for the child that God will bring into your family as well as that child’s birthparents, caregivers and the many people working to help you complete the adoption process. And be sure to invite friends and family to join with you as you pray every step of the way. Prayer can and will make all the difference.

Amy and Michael Monroe have four children and lead Tapestry, a community of adoptive and foster families at Irving Bible Church in Irving, Texas. You can visit Tapestry online at www.tapestry.irvingbible.org.

Copyright 2007 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

What’s What?A Summary of the Foster Care and Foster Adoption Alternatives

When it comes to understanding the alternatives concerning foster care and foster adoption in the State of Texas, the various definitions and requirements can sometimes be hard to keep straight. In order to provide a clear understanding of the alternatives we have prepared the following brief overview.

Alternatives Requiring Certification

Each of the following ways to care for children in foster care requires you to obtain a foster care and/or adoption certification. Singles and married couples are eligible and the basic requirements to obtain a foster care and/or adoption certification are:

Over age of 21 Complete background check and fingerprints Legal U.S. resident Complete application process Complete required training Acceptable home study recommendation (including home safety inspection) Moral character and sound judgment deemed appropriate for parenting

Foster Care – involves the temporary care of a child (or children) who has been removed from his home due to abuse, neglect or abandonment and is now in state custody. A child remains in foster care until such time as he is able to return home safely, be placed with relatives or is placed in an adoptive family. You can choose to foster an individual child or a sibling group, a child with or without special needs, and a child within an age range of your choosing.

Foster to Adopt – involves foster care for a child (or children) where the foster parents have indicated a desire to adopt the child when and if that is possible. Foster to Adopt parents understand that a child they are fostering may or may not become eligible for adoption by them.

Legal Risk – involves foster care for a child (or children) primarily with the plan to adopt the child once her parental rights have been terminated. A placement that is classified as “legal risk” typically implies a higher likelihood (when compared to Foster to Adopt) that the foster parents will be able to adopt the child being fostered, although that outcome is not certain.

Adoption from Foster Care (also referred to as Foster Adoption) – involves the adoption of a child (or children) in state custody whose parental rights have been terminated. You can choose to adopt a child from foster care without the commitment to foster. Children waiting for adoptive families are typically 5 years old or older, part of a sibling group and/or have some special needs.

19

Respite Care – involves caring for a child (or children) in foster care for a short period of time (generally anywhere from 3 days to a couple of weeks) while the child’s foster parent(s) take a break or a vacation. Respite care parents go through the same training and home study process as foster parents.

Alternative Not Requiring Certification

Relief Care – involves caring for a child (or children) in foster care for a period of less than 72 hours. Relief care is a great way to provide loving care to a foster child while providing a much needed short break for foster parents. Relief care does not require a foster care certification, but does require the following:

Age 21 or older Completed background check and fingerprints CPR/First Aid training Relief Care training (consisting of one 3 hour session covering the basic

information needed to provide quality relief care) Signed confidentiality and discipline policies Signed safety acknowledgement Recommendation letters (can be obtained from Tapestry or other source)

Tapestry is part of a multi-church, multi-agency relief care network that is designed to provide a ready pool of relief care parents to support foster families in our community. For more information about the DFW Relief Care Network contact Amy Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org.

20

International Adoption – What You Need to Know

by Susan Freivalds

The modern era of international adoption began after the Korean War, when Korean and Amerasian orphans were placed with families living in the United States. Since then, Americans have adopted many thousands of children from Africa, Asia, Eastern Europe, and Latin America. U.S. families adopt approximately 23,000 children from other countries each year.

Who Chooses International Adoption?Families choose intercountry adoption for a variety of reasons. Perhaps the family does not meet agency guidelines for domestic adoption but qualifies for intercountry adoption. Sometimes families wish to adopt from the country of the family’s ethnic origin, or they are acquainted with others who have successfully adopted overseas. Typically, the waiting time (and sometimes the total costs) for an intercountry adoption are more predictable than for the adoption of a child born in the U.S. Often families who pursue an intercountry adoption speak of their desire to parent a child who really needs a family as much as the family needs the child. (However, the humanitarian desire to “save a child” is generally not considered sufficient motivation for a successful adoption.)

How Do I Adopt from Another Country?Typically, intercountry adoptions are handled by private nonprofit adoption agencies. Public agencies for the most part do not participate in intercountry adoption. Some agencies that handle domestic adoptions also work in intercountry adoption, although there are many agencies that specialize only in intercountry adoption. In a few countries families may adopt independently, either hiring a local attorney to find an adoptable child or using their own contacts in the country. To enter the United States under current immigration laws, the child adopted internationally must be orphaned or abandoned or have only one living parent. If you are planning an independent intercountry adoption, make sure you receive knowledgeable counsel concerning the “orphan visa” law and understand your legal responsibilities and risks.

How Will the Hague Convention Affect Intercountry Adoptions?In 2000 the U.S. ratified the Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption, an international treaty to improve accountability, safeguards, and cooperation in intercountry adoption. The treaty comes into effect in the U.S. in April 2008, and its provisions will then govern adoptions from other Hague countries. Adoptions from countries that have not joined the treaty will not be affected. Agencies and individuals will need special accreditation to handle adoptions from the more than 70 Hague member countries. Consult the State Department for an implementation timeline and a list of approved service providers.

Who Are the Children?Children through age 15 are eligible to come to the United States for adoption, and children aged 16 and 17 are eligible if their siblings have been adopted by U.S. families.

21

The majority of children from other countries who are adopted by U.S. families are young; over the past ten years, 46 percent were under 1 year of age and an additional 42 percent were between the ages of 1 and 4. Children who need adoption are most often from Asia, Eastern Europe, or Latin America. Many African and most Middle Eastern nations do not allow intercountry adoption. No children from Western Europe, Australia, or Canada are eligible for adoption by Americans.

What Are the Costs?The cost of an intercountry adoption can range from about $15,000 to more than $30,000. The least expensive international adoptions occur with countries that do not require adoptive parents to travel or reside abroad to complete legal formalities. If the adopting family has a lengthy stay in the child’s country of origin, the cost of adoption can exceed $25,000.

Are There Other Considerations? Families considering intercountry adoption must understand that the background and health information they will receive about their child will likely be incomplete and may be unreliable. Frequently changing political situations increase the uncertainties of intercountry adoption, and countries may open or close without notice. Adopting a child from another country almost always means that the adoptive family will become a transracial or cross-cultural family, which presents special responsibilities. For the child to develop self-esteem and pride, family members must incorporate into their lifestyle elements of the child’s original culture, including friendships with people of the child’s ethnicity. Arming your child against racism is another duty of transracial families. Many families report, however, that embracing another culture is one of the unanticipated joys of intercountry adoption.

How Do Internationally Adopted Children Do?Studies show that most children do well, often overcoming occasional early malnutrition and deprivation to become happy, emotionally healthy adults. Ongoing parenting education and support from competent and caring professionals (medical, psychological, rehabilitative, or educational, as required) contribute to a child’s healthy growth. With lots of love and patience, the results can be magnificent!

Susan Freivalds is the Founder and Editorial Advisor of Adoptive Families Magazine and past Executive Director of Adoptive Families of America.

©2008 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

22

Open Adoption Converts

by Amy Lane

"You deserve a lot of credit,” friends tell my husband, Tom, and me when they learn about our close relationship with our son’s birth family. “We could never do it.”

We never thought we could, either. But eight years ago something happened to change our minds.

It was 1999, and Tom and I had tried for years to build a family. When a fertility specialist told us that, on a scale of one to 10, our chance of getting pregnant was zero, we took our sadness to an infertility support group meeting. Halfway through, a woman and her husband walked in, carrying a beautiful baby girl. I don’t remember the baby’s name, although I think of her as Rose, perhaps because her presence so contrasted with how we felt.

The couple showed off their new family member and told us their story. They had adopted her domestically after finding a birthmother through an ad they placed on a bulletin board in a laundromat. Just a few weeks old, Rose had already visited her birthmother. I was astounded.

The most normal thing in the worldAlthough Tom and I preferred the idea of adoption to the strain of fertility treatments, we were leery of open adoption. We didn’t want a birthmother to nag us if our son’s hair grew too long or if he failed a class in school. What if, over time, she began to regret her decision? What if she wanted her child back?

I voiced these concerns: “Aren’t you afraid the birthmother will change her mind if she sees the baby? Won’t the child be confused about who her mom is?”

Rose’s mother looked at me pitifully. “My daughter’s birthmother has given us the most amazing gift in the world,” she said. “Why would we deny her the chance to see her baby?”These were life-changing words—to Tom. The light bulb turned on, and it made sense to him.

“Well, aren’t we evolved!” I thought. But we had already decided to start an international, closed adoption, so I just pretended to “get it.”

A few weeks later, at a required seminar at our adoption agency, we listened as adoptive and birth families shared their stories and answered questions posed by wary prospective parents. Instead of the awkward and uncomfortable relationships I expected to hear about, I saw normal families who cherished close contact with one another. They seemed bound, in fact, firmly and joyfully, by a wondrous love for their children, and by an appreciation for one another. That’s when I “got it.” Could we really do this?

23

We continued to listen as the birthparents explained that they wanted more for their children than they could offer at the time they gave birth. They had decided to place their babies with families who were ready to parent, and, in exchange, all they asked was assurance that their children were in good hands.

When one of the children tripped and fell, she ran to her mom. When a boy grew bashful, he buried his head in his dad’s chest. Children showed affection and tenderness toward their birthparents, but it was clear who the parents were. It was a slap-to-the-forehead moment for me: Of course, knowing exactly why he was placed for adoption was best for a child.

When you know, you knowWe were ready to move ahead, but unsure about where to start. How would we find birthparents who were right for us? How would we know when we found them?When you know, you know.

Sarah* selected us from the agency’s large book of “Dear Birthparent” letters. As we prepared to meet her we wondered what we would talk about besides the baby in her.

Mostly, we worried about what to wear.

The night of our first meeting, Tom and I carefully selected our Birthmother Meeting Outfits: sensible khakis and sweaters. She needed to see us as solid people with great parenting potential. Could a pair of chinos convey that?

Nervously, we drove across town. When Sarah answered the door, wearing a cozy sweat suit and a warm smile, Tom and I relaxed.

Everything clicked. Sarah had just finished reading Into Thin Air and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, two books we both adored. The photo of our dog had reminded her of the dog she had as a child. Raised Catholic, like Tom and me, she shared our views on religion. And, most of all, we admired her priorities. Sarah wanted the best for her baby—and we were prepared to give her child the best home possible.

After we left Sarah’s house, Tom and I turned to each other, giddy. How could we have been matched up so perfectly? Sarah must have felt the same way, because the next day she called and asked us to parent her child.

The lucky onesOver the next four months, we spent time getting to know Sarah and her family. We

FOR MORE:Learn more about

the realities of open adoption –

read heartwarming

essays, browse recommended

reading, and see how other AFreaders have made open

adoption work for them – at

adoptivefamilies.com/openadoption.

Read and comment on our

recent report, “The Untold Story

of Domestic Adoption.”

24

took walks; we accompanied her to her doctor. We were there when she learned that the baby was a boy, and, together, we named him Jonah. Our affinity developed into a deep respect and trust. So, on the day Jonah was born, we knew we wouldn’t whisk him from the hospital and part ways. Instead, we all drove to our home to say goodbye more intimately.

In the weeks and months that followed, Sarah and her family visited Jonah, held him, and took pictures. I had worried that it might feel strange, but watching Sarah or her family members hold Jonah was like watching my sister or parents hold Jonah. They’re crazy about our son, so why deny him a wonderful family who thinks the world of him?

Jonah is six now. We visit with Sarah and her family, and we continually welcome them into our home. So when friends credit us with overwhelming generosity, I try to explain: We are the lucky ones. My husband and I aren’t saints. We were fortunate to meet a birthmother who welcomed us into her life and the life of her family—so our relationship never feels like an obligation.

Several years ago, it was our turn to share our story with prospective adopters at our adoption agency. The people listening were just beginning to explore open adoption. Their faces were creased with the same wary looks that Tom and I once wore. We told them how special it was to watch our son tell his birthmother about his first day of school. We explained how blessed we are to have a third set of relatives who shower our son with gifts on Valentine’s Day. We said that, because our son sees Sarah’s love firsthand, he knows she never “gave him up.” I just wish Rose’s mom had been there, so I could have told her: I get it.

Amy Lane lives outside Annapolis, Maryland. She and her husband are in the process of adopting their second child.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

Source: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1622

©2008 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

25

Suggested Questions for Selecting an Adoption Agency for a Domestic Adoption

The following is a list of suggested questions that are designed to help families in selecting an adoption agency for a domestic adoption. Use of an adoption agency is only one of several different means of pursuing adoption, but is a commonly used and often beneficial approach for many families.

A very important consideration in selecting an agency is determining whether the agency is a “good fit,” and this can generally be achieved by ensuring that the family has accurate information and realistic expectations about the agency, its services and costs and its adoption process (in particular estimated wait times). You may also want to understand clearly the motivations of the agency (e.g., are they involved in the placement of children as a “ministry” or as a business) and whether or not the agency and its staff share your faith and moral convictions. In addition to obtaining answers to the following questions, adoptive families are strongly encouraged to read carefully any contracts or policies that they are asked to sign or agree to by the agency and to ask questions (including consulting an attorney, if necessary).

General Questions About the Agency What are the agency’s requirements for adoptive families (e.g., age, marital status,

number of children already in the home, religious, criminal background, financial, health considerations)?

How long has the agency been licensed in Texas? How long has the agency been in operation?

Is the agency a non-profit or for-profit organization? If a for-profit organization, who owns the agency?

Does the agency have any religious or denominational affiliation? How long has the agency’s director been working in the adoption field? How long

has he/she been the director of the agency? How many professionals are on staff with the agency? What is the average length

of service at the agency for the agency’s case workers who are currently on staff? What is the education and licensing background of the agency’s director and

professional staff? Will the agency provide contact with families who have recently used the agency to

adopt (i.e., family references)? Are families allowed to specify the gender of the child they wish to adopt? Who handles the agency’s legal work? Is the attorney a member of the American

Academy of Adoption Attorneys?

Questions About Fees and Costs What fees and costs are charged by the agency in connection with the adoption

process and when are they due? What costs and expenses will likely be incurred in addition to the agency’s fees and

costs (i.e., home study expenses, legal expenses, filing and processing expenses,

26

etc.)? Note: It is advisable that you request a total estimate for all fees, costs and expenses that can be expected in connection with the adoption process – not just the agency’s fees and costs.

Questions About Wait Time What is the current estimated wait time for families? How many families are

currently waiting? Note: Wait times at most agencies are often highly dependent on the adoptive family’s parameters (e.g., age, gender, racial/ethnic and health factors that the adoptive family is willing to consider). To the extent that an adoptive family has already determined certain of its fundamental parameters, questions regarding wait times should be asked in specific relation to those parameters (e.g., what is the estimated wait time for an infant girl).

What is the longest wait time for any of the families that are currently waiting? Have average wait times for families increased, decreased or remained generally

the same over the past several years (and if they have increased or decreased, why)?

How often should I expect to hear from the agency workers during the waiting process?

Questions About the Agency’s Previous Placement Experience How many children has the agency placed in each of the past five years? What is the general break-down along racial and ethnic lines of the agency’s

placements in the last several years? Has the agency experienced any noticeable trends regarding the race or ethnicity of children placed in the last several years (i.e., an increase or decrease in the number of placements of children of a certain race or ethnicity)?

What number of failed adoption placements has the agency experienced in each of the past five years (i.e., how many instances of a family being matched with a child but such match did not result in a final adoption)?

How does the agency handle failed placements (e.g., where on the wait list is a family that has experienced a failed placement placed, are there are any additional fees or costs imposed, etc.)?

Questions About the Agency’s Matching and Placement Process What information does the adoptive family know about birthparent(s) and vice

versa? How does the agency define terms such as “open” adoption and “semi-open” adoption?

What degree of ongoing contact and/or communication between birthparent(s) and adoptive family/child does the agency require, promote or allow?

What role does the agency play in facilitating ongoing contact and/or communication between birthparent(s) and adoptive family/child?

How does the agency’s matching process work? How are birthparents and adoptive parents matched?

If adopting an infant, how involved is the adoptive family with the birthparent(s) prior to the baby being born?

If adopting a newborn, when is the baby generally placed with the adoptive family?

27

Questions About Services Provided by the Agency What pre-placement training does the agency offer to adoptive families? What

other support services does the agency provide (e.g., support groups, social events, newsletters, etc.)?

What post-placement services for adoptive families are provided? What help or services are available for adoptive families experiencing post-placement challenges and difficulties relating to their adoption?

What counseling and support services do the birthparent(s) receive both prior to and after the adoption?

Disclaimer: This document is not intended to constitute, nor does it represent, legal advice of any kind. A qualified attorney should be consulted with respect to any legal questions or issues.

Copyright 2006 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

28

Suggested Questions for Selecting an Adoption Agency for an International Adoption

Use of a licensed adoption agency is generally required when pursuing an international adoption. The specifics of an agency’s adoption program vary considerably by country. The following is a general list of suggested questions that are designed to help families in selecting an adoption agency for an international adoption. Families should also ask additional questions relating to specific country programs.

The following is a list of suggested questions that are designed to help families in selecting an adoption agency for a domestic adoption. Use of an adoption agency is only one of several different means of pursuing adoption, but is a commonly used and often beneficial approach for many families.

A very important consideration in selecting an agency is determining whether the agency is a “good fit,” and this can generally be achieved by ensuring that the family has accurate information and realistic expectations about the agency, its services and costs and its adoption process (in particular estimated wait times). You may also want to understand clearly the motivations of the agency (e.g., are they involved in the placement of children as a “ministry” or as a business) and whether or not the agency and its staff share your faith and moral convictions. In addition to obtaining answers to the following questions, adoptive families are strongly encouraged to read carefully any contracts or policies that they are asked to sign or agree to by the agency and to ask questions (including consulting an attorney, if necessary).

General Questions About the Agency What are the agency’s requirements for adoptive families (e.g., age, marital status

(including previous divorce(s)), number of children already in the home, religious, criminal background, financial, health considerations)? Note: Requirements will vary by country.

How long has the agency been in operation? In what countries does the agency have adoption programs? How long has the

agency had an active adoption program in the country of interest? Is the agency Hague accredited? Has the agency’s program in the country of interest ever been suspended or

terminated (as a result of loss of accreditation or otherwise)? If so, why and for how long?

What is the current adoption climate in the country of interest? How stable has the country program been in recent months/years?

In what regions/cities within the country of interest does the agency work? Can families specify a specific region/city within the country?

Does the agency have any religious or denominational affiliation? How long has the agency’s director been working in the adoption field? How long

has he/she been the director of the agency? How many professionals are on staff with the agency? What is the average length

of service at the agency for the agency’s case workers who are currently on staff?

29

How long has the director for the country of interest (i.e., the country program director) been working with adoptions from the country of interest?

What is the education and licensing background of the agency’s director and professional staff?

Will the agency provide contact with families who have recently used the agency to adopt from the country of interest (i.e., family references)?

Are families allowed to specify the gender of the child they wish to adopt? Note: The ability to specify gender will vary by country.

How are waiting children cared for in the country of interest (i.e., orphanages/institutions, foster homes, etc.)? How is the funding for such care provided?

Does the agency have any affiliations with orphanages, social service agencies, facilitators or others in the country of interest that will be significantly involved in the adoption process? If so, obtain details regarding such arrangements (including the length of such relationships).

Who handles the agency’s legal work in the country of interest? In the United States?

Questions About Fees and Costs What fees and costs are charged by the agency in connection with the adoption

process and when are they due? What costs and expenses will likely be incurred in addition to the agency’s fees and

costs (i.e., home study expenses, legal expenses, filing and processing expenses, etc.)? Note: It is advisable that you request a total estimate for all fees, costs and expenses that can be expected in connection with the adoption process – not just the agency’s fees and costs.

Questions About Wait TimeNote: All questions regarding wait times should be asked in relation to a specific country program. What is the current estimated wait time for families? How many families are

currently waiting? Note: Wait times at most agencies are often highly dependent on the adoptive family’s parameters (e.g., age, gender and health factors that the adoptive family is willing to consider). To the extent that an adoptive family has already determined certain of its fundamental parameters, questions regarding wait times should be asked in specific relation to those parameters (e.g., what is the estimated wait time for an infant girl).

What is the longest wait time for any of the families that are currently waiting for an adoption?

Have average wait times for families increased, decreased or remained generally the same over the past several years (and if they have increased or decreased, why)?

How often should I expect to hear from the agency workers during the waiting process?

30

Questions About the Agency’s Previous Placement Experience How many children has the agency placed in each of the past five years from the

country of interest? What number of failed adoption placements has the agency experienced in each of

the past five years (i.e., how many instances of a family being matched with a child but such match did not result in a final adoption)? Note: Although generally uncommon even in the context of domestic adoptions, “failed placements” are even more uncommon in the context of international adoption and the risk of a failed international placement will vary greatly by country.

How does the agency handle failed placements (e.g., where on the wait list is a family that has experienced a failed placement placed, are there are any additional fees or costs imposed, etc.)?

Questions About the Agency’s Matching and Finalization Process What children are available in the country of interest (i.e., children of what age,

gender, sibling groups, etc.)? How does the agency’s matching process work for the country of interest? What background information (e.g., medical, social, family history, etc.) is generally

available regarding the child and/or the child’s biological family? Does the agency provide pictures and/or video of the referred child? Once matched, does the agency provide the adoptive family with pictures and/or

videos of the child? Does the agency provide updates regarding the child’s growth, medical condition and/or development?

Once matched, does the agency allow the adoptive family to travel to visit the child? If so, are there any significant limitations regarding such visits?

What are the travel requirements for the country of interest (i.e., are families required to travel in order to bring their child home or is an escort service available as an option)? Are both parents (if applicable) required to travel? How long must they stay in country?

Questions About Services Provided by the Agency What pre-placement training does the agency offer to adoptive families? What

other support services does the agency provide (e.g., support groups, social events, newsletters, etc.)?

What post-placement services for adoptive families are provided? What help or services are available for adoptive families experiencing post-placement challenges and difficulties relating to their adoption – specifically relating to parenting children of a different racial, ethnic and/or cultural background?

What humanitarian aid/support does the agency provide to the countries in which it operates?

Disclaimer: This document is not intended to constitute, nor does it represent, legal advice of any kind. A qualified attorney should be consulted with respect to any legal questions or issues.

Copyright 2006 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

31

Suggested Questions for Selecting a Child Placing Agency for Foster Care and Foster Care Adoption

The following is a list of suggested questions that are designed to help families (and singles) in selecting a child placing agency to foster, foster-to-adopt or adopt a child in the protective care of the State of Texas (i.e., foster care). In order to become licensed to provide foster care and/or adopt a child in foster care in Texas, people can generally choose to either work directly with Child Protective Services (CPS), which is an agency of the State of Texas, or a private licensed child placing agency.

A very important consideration in selecting a child placing agency is determining whether the agency is a “good fit.” This can generally be achieved by ensuring that the family has accurate information and realistic expectations about the agency, the licensing and placement process, the characteristics and needs of the child(ren) that are likely to be placed in their care, the costs associated with the process and providing care and the services and support available to families – both before and after placement of a child. It may also be important to clearly understand the motivations of a private agency (e.g., are they involved in the placement of children as a “Christian ministry”) and whether or not the agency and its staff share your faith, beliefs and moral convictions. In addition to obtaining answers to the following questions, foster and adoptive families are strongly encouraged to carefully read any policies and contracts that they are asked to sign or agree to by the agency and ask questions (including consulting an attorney, if necessary). Strict compliance with the agency’s policies and procedures will be critically important throughout the process.

Finally, you can conduct a search regarding a licensed child placing agency (including the agency’s operation details and past inspections and violations) at the following Texas Department of Family and Protective Services website link:

https://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Child_Care/Search_Texas_Child_Care/ppFacilitySearchResidential.asp

General Questions About the Agency What are the agency’s requirements (beyond the state minimum requirements - see

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adoption_and_Foster_Care/Get_Started/requirements.asp) for foster and adoptive families (e.g., age, marital status, number of children already in the home, religious, criminal background, financial, health considerations)?

How long has the agency been licensed in Texas? How long has the agency been in operation?

Is the agency a non-profit or for-profit organization? If a for-profit organization, who owns the agency?

Is the agency accredited by the Council of Agencies or some other association? Does the agency have any religious or denominational affiliation? How long has the agency’s director and/or senior management been working in the

foster and adoption field? How long has he/she been the director of the agency?

32

How many professionals are on staff with the agency? What is the average length of service at the agency for the agency’s case workers who are currently on staff?

What is the education and licensing background of the agency’s director and professional staff?

How many case managers does the agency have and what is their caseload (current and average)?

Who at the agency will be the primary contact during training and pre-placement? During post-placement? For ongoing support?

Will the agency provide contact with families who have recently used the agency to foster and/or adopt (i.e., family references)?

Does the agency provide foster care, foster-to-adopt and/or foster care adoptions?If so, what is the ratio of foster parents to foster/adoptive parents? Note: Some agencies are focused on recruiting foster care families and therefore do not provide and/or focus on adoption services (i.e., foster-to-adopt and/or foster care adoption). It is important to know at the outset whether an agency is adequately focused and experienced in providing the services in which you are interested.adoptive homes and are more in the mindset of recruiting foster homes.)

Does the agency license families for and make basic and/or therapeutic foster care placements?

What characteristics regarding the child placements does the agency allow families to specify (e.g., gender, age, etc.)? Note: Typically, CPS and/or child placement agencies will only allow families to specify an age range (generally not less than a five year range) for foster and foster-to-adopt.

Questions About Fees and Costs What out-of-pocket fees and costs are charged by the agency in connection with the

foster or adoption process and when are they due? Are these out-of-pockets eligible for reimbursement by the State? Note: Generally, child placementagencies will charge no or only nominal fees and costs to foster and adoptive families. However, adoptive families are often responsible for their own legal fees and expenses associated with the adoption of a child from foster care, but typically such costs are eligible for reimbursement by the State. Check with your agency or CPS for more information.

Questions About Wait Time What is the current estimated wait time for families wanting to adopt only? How

many families are currently waiting? Note: Given the shortage of qualified foster families in most areas, there is generally not a significant wait to receive a foster placement. In fact, we are familiar with many families that have received placements within hours of being licensed. However, there can often be a wait for families wanting to adopt a child whose parental rights have already been terminated (particularly those wanting to adopt younger children). Wait times at most agencies are often highly dependent on the adoptive family’s parameters (e.g., age, gender, racial/ethnic, health conditions and other behavioral and

33

developmental challenges that an adoptive family is willing to consider). To the extent that an adoptive family has already determined certain of its fundamental parameters, questions regarding wait times should be asked in specific relation to those parameters (for example, what is the estimated wait time for an infant girl without known exposure to drugs).

Have average wait times for families increased, decreased or remained generally the same over the past several years (and if they have increased or decreased, why)?

How often should I expect to hear from the agency during the waiting process?

Questions About the Agency’s Placement Process and Experience How does the agency typically handle or facilitate birthfamily visits (i.e., what degree

of direct contact and/or communication between birthparent(s) and the foster family does the agency expect)?

If interested in foster-to-adopt, ask for an explanation of how the agency assesses the likelihood that matching process work?

If interested in adoption only, ask for a detailed explanation of the process that the agency uses to match a family with a child. Note: The process often differs according to the age of the child in question. Therefore it is very important to understand and become comfortable with the process and the amount of information that will be made available prior to a match becoming final.

How many children has the agency placed in foster homes in each of the past five years? In adoptive homes?

Questions About Training and Support Services Provided by the Agency What are the agency's required trainings (i.e., number of training hours required for

licensing, number of training hours required for continuing education, etc.)? What percentage of the required training can be self-instructional? When, where and how often does the agency offer required trainings? Does the agency give credit for training offered by other organizations/agencies?

How does the agency support families if an investigation occurs in their home? How does the agency support families to ensure that they are in compliance (and

remain in compliance) with state minimum standards? What general post-placement training and support services does the agency

provide (e.g., support groups, access to on-staff counseling services, social events, newsletters, etc.)?

What post-placement services for adoptive families are provided? What help or services are available for adoptive families experiencing post-placement challenges and difficulties relating to their adoption?

What are the agency’s requirements for respite care providers? How does the agency help foster families obtain respite care? Will the agency allow families to use an informal respite care network at the family’s church for short-term respite care (where the respite care providers are 21 years or older, have obtained

34

safety/CPR training, required criminal background checks and some minimal training)?

Disclaimer: This document is not intended to constitute, nor does it represent, legal advice of any kind. A qualified attorney should be consulted with respect to any legal questions or issues.

Copyright 2007 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

35

Adoption Costs and Financial Assistance Resources

The financial costs relating to adoption are often one of the primary challenges that families face when pursuing adoption. However, many people are unaware that there are an increasing number of ways to meet this challenge through a variety of adoption financial assistance resources. This overview is intended to help you better understand the costs of various adoption options and identify potential ways that you may be able to better address the financial cost challenge.

Overview of the Costs of Adoption

How much will it cost? This is the inevitable question that is often asked when people begin to consider adoption. So they go in search of solid information about the cost of adoption and quickly find relatively unhelpful ranges of adoption costs such as $5,000 to $40,000. This type of information leaves many asking the obvious question – which is it, $5,000 or $40,000?

When it comes to the cost of adoption the most honest answer often is – it depends. But don’t despair because there are some general guidelines that you can rely on in order to help you identify the range of adoption costs you are likely to face.

The Type of Adoption Process Matters

The type of adoption process that you are considering will greatly influence the overall adoption costs that you are likely to encounter. For example, families can often adopt children from the state foster care system for very little or no financial cost. In addition, families are often able to adopt privately without using an adoption agency or facilitator (e.g., adopting independently, such as by sending “Dear Birthmother” letters to family and friends in order to identify a birthmother) for a total cost of $5,000 to $10,000. However, as a general rule the use of an adoption agency for a domestic or international adoption will result in much higher costs than adoptions from foster care or independent adoptions.

Some General Guidelines Regarding the Cost of Adoption

In 2009 and 2010 Adoptive Families Magazine conducted an updated non-scientific readers’ survey on the cost of adoption. The survey reflects the experiences of more than 1,800 respondents. The survey (the results of which can be read in their entirety at reveal some interesting facts (before tax credits and employer benefits):

In general, domestic adoptions, on average, cost less than international adoptions

36

For most adopters, the average total expenses were approximately $30,000

Domestic adoption through an agency cost on average $33,793, while domestic adoption through an attorney cost on average $31,465

Domestic adoption through the foster care system cost on average $2,744

Of those who adopted internationally, the average cost to adopt from China was $28,623, from Ethiopia was $28,254, from Korea was $37,586 and from Russia was $49,749

For more information regarding the Adoptive Families Magazine 2009-2010 Cost Survey, visit http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=2157.

Financial Assistance Resources for Adoptive Families

As the costs of various types of adoptions continue to escalate, there has been a similar increase in the financial assistance resources available to help families deal with these costs. Information regarding several of these financial assistance resources is provided below.

Federal Adoption Tax Credit

Currently there is a federal adoption tax credit that provides a non-refundable federal tax credit of up to $13,360 (for 2011) for unreimbursed “qualified adoption expenses,” and is subject to certain income limitations above $185,210 (for 2011) of Modified Adjusted Gross Income.

See IRS Tax Topic 607: Adoption Credit (www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html), which provides general information about the current federal adoption tax credit. You can also find some helpful articles at http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=2126 and http://taxes.about.com/od/deductionscredits/qt/adoptioncredit.htm.

Note: Please be sure to consult your tax adviser for additional information and to understand how the federal adoption tax credit works and may impact you.

Adoption Grant and Loan Programs

Below is a partial list of potential financial assistance resources (in particular various grant and loan programs) that are generally available for potential adoptive parents:

Lifesong for Orphans – www.lifesongfororphans.org

The Abba Fund – www.abbafund.org

37

Show Hope – www.showhope.org

The Gift of Adoption Fund – www.giftofadoption.org

International Children’s Adoption Resource Effort – www.intlcare.org

National Adoption Foundation – www.nafadopt.org

Adoption Financing – www.adoptionfinancing.com

In addition, Tapestry has established an adoption assistance fund to help qualified families connected to Irving Bible Church and/or Tapestry with the financial cost of adoption. You can find more information about the Tapestry Adoption Assistance Fund at http://tapestryministry.org/tapestry-adoption-assistance-fund.

Employer Benefits

More and more employers of all sizes are offering employees adoption benefits. These benefits typically range from $2,000 to $8,000 and up, with the average benefit around $4,000. For more information visit www.adoptionfriendlyworkplace.org.

Adoption Subsidies

Certain children (including those with special needs) adopted from the Texas foster care system may qualify for a subsidy to help parents pay for ongoing treatments and services. In addition, the State of Texas offers college tuition and fee exemptions for certain adopted children and adoption support programs that provide post-adoption services to adopted children and their families. See the following link for more detailed information regarding available adoption subsidies and assistance in the State of Texas:

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Child_Protection/Adoption/adoption_assistance.asp

38

Other Resources

Special Report: Affording Adoption – www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1371

How We Afforded Our Adoption – www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1259

Disclaimer: Irving Bible Church does not necessarily endorse or recommend any of the above organizations or financial assistance resources. In addition, this document is not intended to constitute, nor does it represent, legal or tax advice of any kind. For questions about any of the above listed resources or to discuss issues relating to the costs of adoption, please contact Amy or Michael Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org or (972) 315-9628.

© 2010 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

39

Making the Wait Worthwhile:Helpful Ideas As You Wait

I. Preparing Friends and Family

It is a wonderful blessing to share your adoption journey with your family and friends, but getting friends and family “on board” and bringing them along on the journey can sometimes make your journey a bit challenging. This is why it is important to first educate yourself so that you can then effectively educate others. As well intentioned as they may be, you are almost certain to hear many insensitive, and sometimes unbelievable, comments from those who are closest to you.

Here are just a few things that can help you prepare your friends and family to travel the adoption journey with you.

1. Make your decision first

Let your family and friends know about your decision to adopt once you have made your decision, rather than asking for everyone’s opinion as to what they think about you adopting. When you share your decision to adopt with your family and friends remember that they are generally going to follow your lead in terms of how you feel about your decision and the path that you have chosen. If you are excited and can’t wait to get started then chances are that they will probably be excited also. If you seem hesitant, uncertain or fearful, they are likely to feel and react the same way.

2. Help your family and friends deal with their fears and concerns

It is important that you deal with your own personal fears and misconceptions about adoption so that you can know what to say to others when they share their feelings and fears. Please know that it is completely normal and okay for you and your friends and family to have concerns and fears. Some common fears include:

o Is adoption just long-term care? Is it permanent?o How can you bond with a child that is not biologically connected

to you?o How long will it take?o How much will it cost and where will you get the money?o What about differences involving race and culture?o What about “open” adoption? Will the child be confused having

“two sets of parents”?o What if the adoption doesn’t work out?

40

Help your friends and family dispel the myths and their misperceptions about adoption. It is possible that you will hear some typical myths from friends and family when you announce that you are adopting. A few of these myths include:

o Just wait you will get pregnant as soon as you adopto Adoption costs way too much for youo All children who are adopted have problems

See Questions and Comments from Family and Friends: Implications and Responses on the Tapestry website at http://tapestryministry.org/category/family-resources/waiting for more examples and ways you can address these myths and issues with your family and friends.

3. Keep family and friends updated

When you bring your friends and family along on the journey you are inviting many questions. Those who have not adopted or do not know much about the adoption process may not realize that you may go weeks, if not months, without hearing any news. Some people may ask you if you have heard anything every time they talk to you. Let’s be fair, from their perspective if they don’t ask questions they are afraid you might see them as not caring, but if they ask too many questions you may get frustrated and see them as being too nosey. You may want to share with them that the adoption process can be unpredictable and that you will be more then happy to share appropriate updates with them as you receive them. You may also want to consider creating a blog. Many people find this to be a fun and great way to keep family and friends up-to-speed on everything that’s happening.

See Adoption & Foster Care Blogging Tips on the Tapestry website at http://tapestryministry.org/adoption-foster-care-blogging-tips for some great advice on how to create and manage an effective adoption blog.

4. Privacy – Be the guardian of your child’s story

It is important to remember that you are the guardian of your child’s story and that you have a responsibility to keep certain facts about your child and his/her birthmother private. Your child’s information belongs to them exclusively. It is normal to want to share every detail about your child’s birthmother and her “situation” with others because you may be excited. But consider this important question when deciding what is appropriate to share with others: Would I want my child to find out this information from

41

someone other than myself or my spouse? If the answer is “yes,” you wouldn’t mind if my child found out this information from someone other than you or your spouse, then it is okay to share that information. If the answer is “no,” you would not like for your child to find out this information from someone other than your or your spouse, then you should keep that information private until the appropriate time.

See Things to Consider When Telling Your Child’s Story athttp://tapestryministry.org/things-to-consider-when-telling-your-childs-story for so more helpful thoughts on this subject.

Be sure to share this important privacy concept with your friends and family early on in the process. Explain to them that you will not share every detail of your child’s situation or that of his/her birthparents’ situation with them – not because you don’t want them to know – but simply because you are respecting the privacy of your child and his/her story as well as his/her birthparents.

It is important to never ‘tear down’ your child’s birthparents in front of your child or to others – regardless of the facts and circumstances. This does not build you up as a better parent and it does nothing positive for your child. While an honest telling of your child’s history is important in the right way and at the right time, ‘tearing down’ your child’s birthparents can often serve to ‘tear down’ a part of who your child understands himself or herself to be.

5. Correct Adoption Language

It is important to educate yourself on positive or respectful adoption language. For example:

o “She placed her baby for adoption” or “She made an adoption plan for her baby” instead of “She gave her baby up for adoption.”

o “This is Amy’s son, Miles, who was adopted.” Instead of “this is Amy’s adopted son, Miles.” Your child’s adoption is just a part of their story – it is not what defines them as a person.

See Speaking Positively: Using Respectful Adoption Language at http://tapestryministry.org/respectful-adoption-language.

Once you have educated yourself then begin to educate others. Sometimes you may need to correct others about their adoption language very inconspicuously. For example: When someone says to you, “Did you get to meet his real mother?” You can respond by saying, “Yes, we

42

did get to meet his birthmother.” Typically, the person you are talking to will catch the difference and begin using the correct words. Remember, you don’t have to be rude to be effective.

II. Making Your Adoption Agency Relationship Work Well

Listed below are a couple of key ingredients to help make your relationship with an adoption agency (or other adoption professionals) work well.

1. Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

There is nothing more important than effective communication in making your relationship with your adoption agency work well. Questions to ask your agency to foster better communication:

o Who will be my primary contact when I have questions or need assistance?

o What is the best way for me to contact that person? (phone, email, in person)

o How often can I expect to hear from this person? How often do they expect to hear from me?

o How long will it generally take for them to respond to my calls/emails?

2. Expectations, Expectations, Expectations

Your relationship with your agency is a give and take. You have expectations of your agency and they have expectations of you. Just a few examples of these expectations are:

o How to best communicate (mode, frequency, etc.)o Wait times (and changes in expected wait times)o Costs and expenseso Notification of changes in the adoption process

It is very important to clearly establish the proper expectations with your agency early on in the adoption process in order to avoid as much frustration as possible.

3. Flexibility, Flexibility, Flexibility

One of the keys to a successful relationship with your agency is the understanding that there are many situations that are out of your control and out of the control of your agency – especially in international adoption. For example:

o Changes in in-country government procedures

43

o Implementation of new international laws and treatieso In-country bureaucratic “slow downs”o Accreditation changeso Local holidayso Political unresto Unique circumstances in your case

It is critical to remember that flexibility with your agency is a two way street. With that said, flexibility has its limits. Always be willing to ask questions and seek quality and responsive service and to demand that your agency act ethically in every way.

III. Naming Younger Children

How should we choose our child’s name? Should we keep part of the name they were given at birth or the name chosen by our child’s birthparents? What about choosing a name that is part of their culture/heritage or the name I have always dreamed of choosing for my child?

These could very well be questions that you find yourself asking and there is definitely plenty of information and opinions out there related to this topic. Therefore, it may be worthwhile and fun for your family to think about this and decide what is best before you bring your child home. Each family and adoption situation comes with its own unique and special circumstances. Only your family can decide what is “right” for you and your child. There is no right or wrong answer to these questions, although there certainly are some things to consider particularly as children get older. So enjoy researching all the different name options and buy as many naming books as you would like. Make naming your child an exciting time for your family and something to look forward to discussing while you wait.

Below are links related to naming as it pertains to adoption. Keep in mind that there is no “right” answer that applies to all situations.

What’s In A Name? – from Adoptive Familieshttp://adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=709

The Name Game – from Adoptive Familieshttp://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=201

Naming Madison – from Adoptive Familieshttp://www.adoptivefamilies.com/hot-topic.php

44

Share your story – What’s in a name? – from Adoptive Families (Responses to the article “Naming Madison”)http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1442

Considerations for Naming Your Trans-Racially or Inter-Culturally Adopted Child http://library.adoption.com/blended-families/considerations-for-naming-your-trans-racially-or-inter-culturally-adopted-child/article/510/1.html

Adoption is a Family Affair! by Patricia Irwin Johnston (See specifically the chapter entitled Home At Last, discussing the idea of “naming as claiming”)

IV. Choosing a Pediatrician

For several reasons interviewing pediatricians can be a productive way to spend some of your “waiting” time. First, it is helpful because your pediatrician may serve as a valuable person to speak with when you receive a referral or after you have accepted a referral. Giving your pediatrician a medical history to review prior to your child’s arrival will allow them to prepare and have a plan in place prior to your first doctor visit. It is also nice to already feel comfortable and have a relationship with the pediatrician you have chosen.

Adoptive parents should take time to find a pediatrician who is sensitive to adoption and one who has experience working with children who were adopted. Finding a pediatrician with a positive attitude toward adoption and one who is willing to work with you on matters that specifically relate to your adoption situation is important. The physicians’ knowledge of adoption, attitude towards adoption and his or her attitude toward your specific referral will likely be evident after spending some time discussing these topics with him or her.

In addition, if you plan to adopt a child internationally it is beneficial to find a pediatrician who is familiar with the full battery of testing that needs to be completed once your child has arrived home. If you use an international adoption doctor to review your referral, they will most likely provide you with a list of recommended tests to take to your pediatrician. This information can also be found in your physician’s Red Book, the report from the Committee on Infectious Diseases, and from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

See the special section, Adoption Medicine, on the Adoptive Families magazine website at http://adoptivefamilies.com/medical for more information on post-arrival medical evaluations and other adoption medicine topics.

45

V. Thinking Through Accepting a Referral

After being presented with a referral, you may find yourself ready to say “yes” right away. However, for some, a referral may raise questions, concerns, fears or simply the desire to conduct further research. Whether due to a particular medical condition or diagnosis, a family history of mental illness or the fact that the birthmother engaged in high-risk behaviors during the pregnancy, it is important to take the necessary time before accepting a referral in order to be sure that you can provide the best medical care and can be the best loving family for this child. After you have gathered as much information as possible you may also want to seek out medical professionals who are able to answer questions specific to your situation. After all, you do not want to feel that you have made a decision based on a lack of knowledge and/or fear.

Below we have provided some basic steps to help you as you think through whether to accept a referral.

Step One:

Pray

We believe that God is the ultimate professional and absolute best counselor in the field of adoption. Taking your fears, questions and uncertainties to Him is a crucial step. We most certainly recommend that you spend time praying about your referral, while at the same time being careful to guard your heart, realizing that it is okay to keep your referral information private. In other words, you do not have to share every detail of your referral with everyone who asks.

Step Two:

Gather Information, Research, and Conduct Your Own Assessment

Make sure that you have gathered all available information from your agency. If you are adopting internationally, this may mean that you have relatively little medical information to go on. Those adopting domestically may have more medical information and and/or medical history on the child and his/her birthparents. Every adoption situation is different and therefore the information you receive will be specific to your case. If there is something you would like to know, don’t be afraid to ask your agency in the case that it may be available. All of this information will be helpful as you pursue research on your own and seek the help of medical professionals and other experienced adoptive parents. Gathering information and researching the situation surrounding your referral will not only educate you on the type of professional you may need to work with, but it will also give you important information so that you can provide the best care for your child if you accept the referral.

For more information see the Pre-Adoption Medical Assessment and Developmental Indicators Chart (www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1040) from Adoptive

46

Families magazine. This article provides helpful tips on understanding what referral information you may receive on a child and how to go about assessing the information you have been given. This article also includes a developmental indicators chart which may be very helpful in understanding typical developmental milestones.

Step Three:

Speak with Medical Professionals if Needed

It may be that you need to seek advice from an experienced medical professional or experienced adoptive families in order to better understand the needs surrounding your referral. This information will not only help you make an educated decision, but will also provide you with valuable information in raising your child and providing the best care for him/her.

Your pediatrician or family physician is a great starting place. Keep in mind that it is always beneficial to speak with someone who has experience in the area of adoption. If needed, your pediatrician can refer you to a professional with specific medical expertise related to your referral situation.

For more information see the American Pediatrics Section on Adoption and Foster Care (www.aap.org/sections/adoption). The member physicians of this section of the American Academy of Pediatrics have specific adoption and foster care experience.

In addition, listed below are a few references for international adoption physicians. These professionals can provide pre-adoption counseling, review of referral information and some will provide consultation during travel. Check with each professional to find out what services are provided. There are certainly many more doctors who specialize in international adoption and this list is simply to give you a place to start in finding a physician that meets your needs. These physicians will use all the information you have provided in an effort to help you make an educated decision. They may also suggest more questions that you can ask your agency in order to gain further information.

Julia Bledsoe, M.D.Dr. Julian Davies, M.D.University of Washington – SeattlePediatric Care CenterCenter for Adoption Medicine4245 Roosevelt Way, N.E.Seattle, WA 98105Phone: 206-598-3006http://www.adoptmed.org/Dr. Bledsoe and Dr. Davies will review your medical information and consult with you by phone when you travel. Dr. Bledsoe is an adoptive parent herself and has completed a great deal of research on fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS) and internationally adopted

47

children. Approximately 50% of their clients are adopted internationally. Dr. Bledsoe and Dr. Davies also provide consultation to families adopting domestically.

Dana E. Johnson, M.D.International Adoption ClinicUniversity of MinnesotaMinneapolis, MNPhone: 612-626-2928

Jerri Ann Jenista, MDAdoption/Medical NewsAnn Arbor, MIPhone: 734-668-9492

International Adoption Medicine at Children’s Medical CenterDallas, Texas Phone: 214-456-6788http://www.childrens.com/specialties/template.cfm?groupid=105&pageid=503

North TX International Adoption Clinic at the Child Study Center– Ft. Worth, TXFt. Worth, TexasPhone: 817-390-2929www.ntiac.org

Texas Children’s Health Center for International Adoption – Houston, TX6621 Fannin Street, CC 1570Houston, TX 77030Phone: 832-822-1038Toll free: 1-866-824-5437 www.texaschildrens.org/CareCenters/InternationalAdoption/Default.aspx

Step Four:

Move Forward with Hope

Keep in mind that after you have gathered information, researched, talked with the appropriate professionals and come to a decision, there will most likely still be uncertainties. That’s okay. However, we hope that these resources and ideas will assist you in your effort to make an educated decision regarding your referral as you trust God in all things and move forward with a hope-filled faith.

This resource was compiled and prepared by Amy Monroe and Kristin Violi who are leaders for Tapestry, a ministry for adoptive and foster families. Find out more about Tapestry at www.tapestry.irvingbible.org.

Copyright 2008 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

48

Ideas to Help Make Your Adoption Wait Worthwhile*

1. Begin to collect children’s books while you wait. The following two websites have and wide range of adoption related books that you can choose from:

www.tapestrybooks.comwww.perspectivespress.com

Some of the ones we love include:

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee CurtisA is for Adopted by Eileen Tucker CosbyThe Day We Met You by Phoebe KoehlerWe’re Different We’re the Same by Bobbie Jane KatesRosie’s Family by Lori Rosove

2. Try cooking foods of your child’s birth country or birth culture. There are many international cookbooks at your local bookstore.

3. Begin to work on your child’s lifebook or scrapbook. Listed below are just a few websites that have different lifebooks that you can order:

www.scrapandtell.comwww.sharedbook.comwww.lifebook.comwww.aimeej.com

4. Journal during your wait and/or write letters to your child. See the following link for a great article on “writing while you wait”:

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=514

5. Prepare your child’s nursery/bedroom.

6. Make arrangements for childcare. Interview nannies, babysitters, or childcare centers.

7. Prepare some meals and freeze them.

8. Do some research on attachment and bonding. There are many resources in the attachment/bonding section of this packet.

9. Do some research on sensory integration. Many post-institutionalized children deal with various types of sensory integration issues. Find out what you can do to help your child as soon as they come home. It’s a Sensory World is a great place

49

to contact for more information.

10. Join a waiting families group so you can share your journeys together. You can do this through Tapestry, by contacting Anthony or Kristin Violi (ktvioli@gmail.com or972-395-1308) or check to see if your adoption agency may have a group available for you.

11. Subscribe to and begin reading adoption magazines, such as Adoptive Families, Adoption Today or Fostering Families Today.

12. Learn as much as you can about your child’s birth country or birth culture.

13. Take foreign language classes.

14. Learn about dealing with a language barrier and possibly find a translator if needed.

15. If you are adopting outside of your race or ethnicity you can research transracial adoption.

* Adapted from Making Your Wait Worthwhile, presented by Amy Monroe and Kristin Violi at the 2006 Tapestry Adoption Conference.

Copyright 2006 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

50

When the Love is Slow to Come

by Elizabeth D. Branch

Will you love an adopted child?” “Will you love her as much as your biological children?” How do you answer these questions? With a resounding, yes, of course.

From your standpoint before the adoption, you are filled with only good intentions. You can’t fathom that there would ever be a problem loving a child. After all, you brought three boys into the world by birth, and love them as furiously and fervently as any mother bear. You are filled with anticipation of the first time you will braid her hair, give her a bath and paint her toenails. You tell your social worker that you have mundane thoughts of passing along your “womanly experience” to a daughter, explaining things like her first period, boys and dating. While you used to make jokes about God having a sense of humor giving you three boys, you could never push away the longing for a daughter.

You overcome enormous obstacles and finally leave to get your 3½-year-old daughter, traveling halfway across the globe, to a country that, until recently, you’d never heard of. When they bring her to you the first day of visitation, you cry and laugh, not believing that she is finally here. During the next two weeks of visitation, your husband teaches her how to play airplane and take piggyback rides. Every new day when you arrive at the baby house, she comes running through the door and into your arms. After about three days, she starts to cry when it is time for you to leave. You know she loves you. The first night, after your court date, you bring her to your apartment and dress her in the pink nightgown that you’ve carried all this way. You paint her toenails. You and your husband stare at her, unbelieving at this new little dainty, feminine creature.

However, you never asked yourself if she would love you.

This is my story. This is where the bubble popped, and our difficult journey began. The next morning, our first morning together with our daughter, my husband walked into the living room where I was playing with Lisa. She took one look at him, then hung her head down and started to cry — not just sniffling, but deep, terrified shrieks of fear. We were confused, thinking it was a one-time thing. Unfortunately, this behavior continued the rest of our trip.

David couldn’t look at her, or be in the same room with her, without her crying and clinging to me. One time we ate a meal in the kitchen and I had to get up to get something. She took her glass of apple juice and threw it at David. I couldn’t go to the bathroom without her standing outside the door, kicking and banging on it to let her in. It was as if she was terrified out of her mind of David, one of the most gentle men I have ever known. Of course, David was crushed. Here was the most beautiful little girl, his daughter, and she was rejecting him outright.

The plane trips on our way home were interesting. With newfound freedom, in the baby

51

house they sat on little pots at certain times of the day, she went to the bathroom almost every 10 minutes. This involved climbing over David, who was sitting on the aisle, including more screams of terror. One time I stood up to put something in the overhead bin and the whole plane was treated to her vocal talents. Pictures of our trip show me with Lisa cowering behind me, doing all she could to avoid looking at David with the camera.

I had been the most well-read prospective adoptive parent on Earth. I had read “The Weavers’ Craft” and the chapter about rejection of one parent. However, the book had said that in most cases, the child will reject the mother. It figures that we would be the 1 percent of families who did things backward.

For about a month after we got home, the hysterics continued. She would sink to the floor in tears, and push herself around with her feet. We used to joke about putting a dust cloth on her back so she could clean the floor while she cried. We had to laugh at ourselves because we would have climbed into a hole otherwise.

Everyday, David would go to work and I’m sure Lisa would think, “Phew, that man has left. I’m safe!” Every night though, when David walked into the house, the head would drop and the shrieking would begin. The boys were getting a little tired of this, and David and I felt as though we had 50-pound loads on our shoulders. We would both look at each other in despair and think, “This too shall pass, this too shall pass.” I was so darn tired of it and my inability to find a solution, and frustrated at the language barrier. I wanted to ask her, “What? What are you afraid of? What can I do to make you not afraid?”

Most families don’t appreciate what a great source of help their social worker can be. I called ours soon after we got home, and said, “Help!” It seemed to me that she dropped everything and came to our house. She recommended that all the boys rush to the door when Daddy got home and give him a big, noisy welcome home; that David and the boys wrestle together and laugh. Sooner or later, she would decide she wanted to join the fun.

After nearly a month, I had to get a haircut and told David that our only choice was to let her cry it out. After my appointment, I called to check in and he said, “Don’t come home. She’s holding my hand and we’re at the playground.” Of course, this wasn’t a quick fix, and we took some steps backward, but overall this was the beginning of the end.

One evening, some weeks later, after she had reverted back to crying, David was watching the children alone. He prepared dinner, then went to find Lisa. She was in her bed, cowering, facing the wall. She would not come downstairs to eat, so David brought her plate up to her room. He fed her, bite by bite, by reaching around her with the fork. At one point she reached over her shoulder for a napkin, wiped her face, and then handed it back to him, still facing the wall.

Soon after that, Lisa seemed to call a “truce” with her daddy. David’s best Christmas

52

present that year was having her crawl into his lap while we were opening presents.

Today Lisa adores her father. She runs to the door when he comes home at night. Her favorite “chair” in our house is daddy’s lap. When her English got to the point where we could really communicate with her, we asked her, “Why were you afraid of Daddy?” Lisa thought for a moment, and then said, “He had whiskers.”

Granted, every day we spent in the baby house, David had arrived showered and clean-shaven. It wasn’t until the second morning we had custody that he appeared with his five o’clock shadow. We realized that none of the children had had much contact with men – most of the caregivers were women. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

We have recently celebrated Lisa’s one-year anniversary of becoming a member of our family, and those crying days seem so far away. It seems that she has always been daddy’s girl. It goes to show that even though the love may be slow to come, it will come. I am reminded of a poem my father used to share with me when I was growing up, the refrain of which became by personal mantra.

Once in Persia reigned a KingWho upon his signet ringGraved a maxim true and wise,Which if held before the eyes,Gave him counsel at a glance,Fit for every change and chance.Solemn words, and these are they:“Even this shall pass away . . .”

Elizabeth Branch and her husband David live in Huntersville, N.C., with their three “homegrown” boys — Colin, 13; Quentin, 11; and Christian, 6, and their daughter Lisa Asel who was adopted from Baby House 2 in Uralsk, Kazakhstan in November 2001. Their adoption agency was World Partners Adoption. Branch is currently in the process of writing a book about their experiences in Kazakhstan and their challenging early days at home with Lisa, who is now daddy’s girl.

Source: Adoption Today Magazine (http://www.adoptinfo.net/bondingarticle4.html)

53

Six Words for Adoptive Parents to Live By

by Karyn Purvis, Ph.D. & David Cross, Ph.D.,Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University (www.child.tcu.edu)

During the course of the last six years we have been involved in an exciting project with adoptive parents and their children. Our journey with these families has been filled with joy and delight. The mission statement of our project cites a passage from the book of Isaiah, which says simply “and a child shall lead them” (Isaiah 11:6). The greatest and most significant research findings garnered in our work are the simple truths that the children themselves have taught us. Among the greatest lessons of truth that we have learned from the children are those insights about how to guide parents and children to connect in new ways. Thus our project is aptly named, The Hope Connection.

For many children who have experienced neglect or maltreatment prior to their adoption, the path between them and their adoptive parents is unclear. It is providing guidance toward deeper connections that has become our favorite focus when we speak to parent groups; our most common topic is Lessons of Hope from the Hope Connection.

In the process of walking with adoptive families through the years, we have come to realize that there are six words which identify some of the most effective mechanisms for building strong relationships between parents and children. Our six important words for adoptive parents to live by are: Be Compassionate! Be Firm! Be Proactive!

Be Compassionate!

We ask parents who have adopted children from the “hard places” to be aware of the implications of non-optimal care on developing children. Before we can provide these children with a message of safety and love, we must first learn to “speak their language”. In order to do that, it is imperative that we have insight about neural and sensory development and possible alterations in belief systems, which may significantly affect behavioral and attachment.

Neural sub-systems issues: An example of understanding neural development through the lens of compassion can be found in viewing children’s idiosyncratic behaviors and beliefs. Children adopted before the age of two rarely have retrievable memories of their experiences. However, if they experienced hunger, or loneliness, or fear during this time, they may exhibit a chronic and pervasive sense of hunger, loneliness or fear. Their brain development was not complete enough for them to have tangible memories such as those of four or five year old children. Yet in spite of now living in safe homes with adoring parents, these children may be haunted by overwhelming feelings of being unloved. Paradoxical as it may seem, children with concrete memories of their hardships are often easier to guide. They can learn to “use their words” to talk about pre-adoptive memories. “I was hungry and there wasn’t enough food, or “I was lonely and I wanted to be held and no one was there for me.”

54

Those children with touchable memories can learn to use their words to tell their stories and to be released from the power of early experiences. But for younger children who experience harm before myelinization of the brain was complete and before brain maturation gave rise to tangible memories, the journey for healing can be at times frustrating for both parents and children. However, in time, and with consistent, compassionate care, parents who understand their children’s neurological issues can guide little ones to the truth—that they are safe, and loved and deeply cared for!

Most adults can remember a time in their own childhood when they experienced food poisoning; many have not eaten the “poisonous” food since that childhood experience. In evolutionary terms, we recognize this to be a function of the “primitive” brain structures that are responsible for survival. Humans are considered “opportunistic feeders” which means that we eat whatever is available to us in the environment. Therefore, evolutionary brain structures developed which were designed to protect us from death. Our avoidance of a childhood “offender-food” which appears idiosyncratic, is actually an evolutionary skill designed to ensure our survival.

We invite parents to ask two questions when they observe behaviors that seem unacceptable or idiosyncratic. The first question is “What is your child really saying,” and the second is “What does my child really need?” By being attentive to neurological and sensory issues, and residual belief systems, compassionate parents can more easily navigate their children’s histories and understand their children’s language.

Sensory sub-systems issues: Sensory processing deficits are another commonoutcome for children who fail to experience optimal care during the early months of life. Sensory processing deficits can cause children to misunderstand their environment in ways that cause them to misinterpret, for example, social cues, facial expressions, and the meaning of touches and hugs. In these things, parents must be informed about how sensory issues can be addressed and treated, and must also understand behavioral manifestations of sensory processing issues. We recommend the book by Carol Kranowitz, The Out of Sync Child, which clearly describes each of the “internal senses,” how sensory defensiveness manifests, and how we can effectively intervene in the home and school environments.

We encourage parents to be compassionate towards the behavioral issues that might be associated with sensory-processing deficits. For example, a newly adopted child who is tactile-defensive may not want to be hugged or touched. Although this is a painful experience for parents, (and is often mistaken for attachment problems), this deficit can be effectively treated. However, it will require compassionate patience on the part of the parent. A similar corollary to a child who does not want to be hugged due to tactile defensiveness, is the child who has a proprioceptive deficit and yelps when his parents hug him, claiming that they are hurting him. This hypersensitivity to physical pressure can also be effectively addressed (for specific information, see The Out of Sync Child).

55

Belief sub-system issues: Adopted children very frequently develop belief systems associated with their experiences with early caregivers. Those belief systems may include beliefs like “I am not loveable,” “Adults can’t be trusted,” “If I had value I wouldn’t have been given away.”

It is important for adoptive parents to be compassionate toward the children’s belief systems, while gently leading them to know the truth—that they are beautiful, and precious, and valuable, and loved!

We ask parents in their compassionate responses towards their children to honor the child’s history while giving them a hope for the future that they can live by. For example, if the child has not received adequate nutrition during early development, they may “hear” a message of hunger that causes them to hoard or steal food. In this circumstance, a parent can say “It is true that you were hungry many times before you came home, but my promise is that you will never be hungry in our home. But, you may not steal food, nor hide food. Anytime that you are hungry, come to me and I will go to the kitchen with you and you may sit and eat whatever you are hungry for. If you would like, I will even take you to the grocery story and let you choose favorite snacks and nuts and fruit to put in a basket in your room.” In these ways we show compassion towards our children while bringing them out of their pre-adoptive history and into the complete safety of our home and our love.

Be Firm!

While compassion is a profoundly important component for parentinga child from the hard places, compassionate firmness is equally important. Children—who have not had healthy boundaries before they came home to you—will need clear, enforceable boundaries. They need to be encouraged to “use words and not behaviors” to tell you their needs. They need to be encouraged that “all feelings are okay,” but need to be guided into appropriate ways to express those feelings.

Because sensory deprivation in the early months of development, and/or chronic ear infections, can disrupt auditory processing, we encourage parents to use few words! Children who have auditory processing deficits can easily become lost in an “onslaught” of words. Unfortunately, these children may be labeled as “disobedient” or “willful,” when in truth they did not fully understand the meaning of their parent’s “word clutter.” These children need to be given short auditory scripts that they can easily encode andlearn to follow.

Important concepts to teach younger children are “Be gentle and kind,” “Listen and obey,” “Practice showing respect,” “With permission and supervision,” “Making compromises,” and “Accepting no.” Accepting no is an important principle, because many children from hard places find it difficult to relinquish control to their adoptive parents out of fear. This is because in the child’s past, those who were in control were not trustworthy and his or her life felt out of control. It is important to gently wrest control

56

from the child because a child who is “boss of the world” doesn’t need a mommy or daddy.

Be Proactive!

In a home where there is a balance of compassion and firmness, nurture and structure, it is also important to be purposefully proactive. By analyzing our children’s behaviors we can make realistic plans for how to address their needs. We encourage parents in our program to make careful journal notes about when and where their child has behavioral difficulties. Do they become tearful when they go into a new environment? Does going into a crowded room cause them to become withdrawn, afraid or agitated? When they are hungry do they have behavioral meltdowns? By keeping thoroughjournal notes for a few weeks, most of our families can identify events, places and times which present particular challenges for their children. Parental responses can be guided by compassionate understanding of the neurological, sensory and belief-system issues, which are fueling their children’s behaviors.

For example, we recommend feeding children a nourishing snack every two to three hours. Many parents have reported that simply providing stability to their child’s blood sugar significantly reduces behavioral challenges during the day. Other parents have discovered through assessing their journal that their child needs appropriate sensory input before activities that require them to sit still for a long period of time. Those parents may opt for a half-hour at the park or McDonalds playground prior to sitting in the doctor or dentists office for an hour or prior to going to the grocery store.

The goal of our work at TCU’s Institute of Child Development is helping parents and children make deeper connections. We believe that these six words, Be Compassionate! Be Firm! Be Proactive!, are among the most powerful tools we have observed for not only bringing our children into the safety of our homes, but for bringing them into the safety of our hearts!

This article appeared in Adoptive Families Magazine, February 2005.

57

Speaking Positively: Using Respectful Adoption Language

by Patricia Irwin Johnston

Respectful Adoption Language (RAL) is vocabulary about adoption which has been chosen to reflect maximum respect, dignity, responsibility and objectivity about the decisions made by birthparents and adoptive parents in discussing the family planning decisions they have made for children who have been adopted. First introduced by Minneapolis social worker Marietta Spencer as positive adoption language or constructive adoption language and evolving over the past 20 years, the use of RAL helps to eliminate the emotional overcharging which for many years has served to perpetuate a societally-held myth that adoption is a second-best and lesser-than alternative for all involved--that in being part of an adoption one has somehow missed out on a "real" family experience. The use of this vocabulary acknowledges those involved in adoption as thoughtful and responsible people, reassigns them authority and responsibility for their actions, and, by eliminating the emotionally-charged words which sometimes lead to a subconscious feeling of competition or conflict, helps to promote understanding among members of the adoption circle.

RAL begins with the concept of family. Historically people have been considered to be members of the same family when one or more of several conditions are met: they are linked by blood (father and son,) they are linked by law (husband and wife,) they are linked by social custom (woman and her husband's sister), they are linked by love. We don't blink at the concept of two non-genetically-related people being members of the same family if one or more of the other criteria are met...except in adoption.

Though in adoption parent and child are linked by love and by law, the fact that they are not connected by blood has often meant that some people are unwilling to acknowledge their relationship as genuine and permanent. Thus they use qualifiers ("This is Bill's adopted son") in situations where they would not dream of doing so in a non-adoptive family ("This is Bill's birth-control-failure son" or "This is Mary's caesarean-section daughter.") They tend not to assign a full and permanent relationship to persons related through adoption ("Do you have any children of your own?" or "Have you ever met your real mother?" or "Are they natural brothers and sisters?") They assume that adoptive relationships are tentative ("Will the agency take him back now that you know he's handicapped?" or "What if his real parents want him back?")

As the concept of family changes, it is important that we consistently acknowledge that any two people who choose to spend their lives committed to one another are indeed a family. A couple who has chosen a childfree lifestyle and a single parent with children are just as much families as is a married couple who has given birth to six children.

The reality is that adoption is a method of joining a family, just as is birth. It is a method of family planning, as are birth control pills or abortion. Though the impact of adoption must be acknowledged consistently in helping a person who has been adopted or one who has made an adoption to assimilate this issue positively, adoption should not be

58

described as a "condition." In most articles or situations not centering on adoption (for example, during an introduction, in a news or feature story or an obituary about a business person or a celebrity) it is inappropriate to refer to the adoption at all. (An exception may be in an arrival announcement.) When it is appropriate to refer to the fact of adoption, it is correct to say "Kathy was adopted," (referring to they way in which she arrived in her family.) Phrasing it in the present tense -- "Kathy is adopted" -- implies that adoption is a disability with which to cope.

Those who raise and nurture a child are his parents: his mother, father, mommy, daddy, etc. Those who conceive and give birth to a child are his birthparents: his birthmotherand birthfather. Technically, all of us have birthparents, however not all of us live in the custody of our birthparents. But increasingly those who have chosen adoption for the children to whom they have given birth but are not parenting are asking that the terms birthparent, birthmother, and birthfather be used exclusively to describe those who have already made such a plan. From this perspective it would be inappropriate to label a pregnant woman dealing with an untimely pregnancy a birthparent. Before she gives birth, she is an expectant parent. Not until she gives birth and actually chooses adoption would she be appropriately called a birthparent.

In describing family relationships involving adoption it is always best to AVOID such terms as real parent, real mother, real father, real family--terms which imply that adoptive relationships are artificial and tentative-- as well as terms such as natural parent and natural child--terms which imply that in not being genetically linked we are less than whole or that our relationships are less important than are relationships by birth. Indeed in adoption children will always have TWO "real" families: one by birth and one by adoption. Similarly, when conscientiously using RAL, one would never refer to a child as one of your own, which intimates that genetic relationship is stronger and more enduring and adoptive relationships tentative and temporary.

In describing the decision-making process birthparents go through in considering adoption as an option for an untimely pregnancy, it is preferred to use terms which acknowledge them to be responsible and in control of their own decisions.

In the past, it is true, birthparents often had little choice about the outcome of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy. In earlier times they did indeed surrender, relinquish, give up and even sometimes abandon their children. These emotion-laden terms, conjuring up images of babies torn from the arms of unwilling parents, are no longer valid except in those unusual cases in which a birthparent's rights are involuntarily terminated by court action after abuse or neglect.

In an age of increasing acceptance of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and single parenthood, today's birthparents are generally well counseled and well informed about their options, and using Respectful Adoption Language acknowledges this reality. Increasingly, as agencies take on the role of facilitator and mediator rather than lifter-of-burdens and grantor-of-children, the phrase place for adoption is also being questioned. The preferred RAL terms to describe birthparents' adoption decisions are make an adoption

59

plan, plan an adoption or choose adoption ("Linda chose adoption for her baby") Well counseled birthparents who do not decide on adoption do not keep their babies (children are not possessions) but instead they choose to parent them ("After considering her options, Paula decided to parent her child herself.")

The process by which families prepare themselves to become parents is often referred to as a homestudy. This term carries with it an old view of the process as a weeding out or judgment. Today, more and more agencies are coming to view their role as less God-like and more facilitative. The preferred positive term, then, is parent preparation, a process whereby agency and prospective adopters come to know one another and work toward expanding a family.

As both sets of parents consider the ways in which they may plan an adoption their choices include retaining their privacy in a traditional or confidential (not closed) adoption or they may opt to have varying degrees of ongoing contact between birthparents and adopters in a process commonly known as open adoption. Some adopters parent children born outside the U.S. in a style of adoption respectfully referred to as international adoption. The older term foreign has negative connotations in other uses and so is now discouraged. Similarly, adopters who choose to parent one or more older children, sibling groups, or children facing physical or emotional or mental challenges are said to be parenting children with special needs or waiting children, terms seen as potentially less damaging to the self esteem of these children than the older term hard-to-place.

While adoption is not a handicap, it is a life-long process. Frequently news stories refer to reunions between people who are related genetically but have not been raised in the same family. In most such instances these encounters do not carry with them the full spectrum of understanding that the usual use of the term reunion implies. While children adopted at an older age may indeed experience a reunion, most adoptees join their families as infants, and as such they have no common store of memories or experience such as are traditionally shared in a reunion. The more objective descriptor for a meeting between a child and the birthparents who planned his adoption (a term which neither boosts unrealistic expectations for the event nor implies a competition for loyalties between birthparents and adoptive parents) is meeting.

This short poem by Rita Laws first seen in OURS: The Magazine of Adoptive Families(now Adoptive Families magazine) attempts to point out humorously the impact of negative language in adoption...

Four Adoption Terms Defined

Natural child: any child who is not artificial.Real parent: any parent who is not imaginary.Your own child: any child who is not someone else's child.Adopted child: a natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.

60

Respectful Adoption Language, however, is very serious business. Just as in advertising we choose our words carefully to portray a positive image of the produce we endorse (selling Mustangs rather than Tortoises, New Yorkers rather than Podunkers), and in politics we take great care to use terminology seen positively by the class or group of people it describes, those of us who feel that adoption is a beautiful and healthy way to form a family and a responsible and respectable alternative to other forms of family planning, ask that you consider the language you use very carefully when speaking about those of us who are touched by adoption!

© 2004 Patricia Irwin Johnston.Contact her at PatJohnston@perspectivespress.com Perspectives Press, Inc., P.O. Box 90318, Indianapolis, IN 46290 USA * (317)872-3055

61

Paradoxes of Adoptive Parenting

Five years after writing Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, Jana Wolff returns with more candid insights into the emotional highs and lows of parenthood.

When the editor of Adoptive Families contacted me to update Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, I began to think about what I've learned from the hundreds of adoptive families I've met in the course of traveling across the country with my book. I've come to understand that the process of adopting, like the process of parenting, is replete with bittersweet feelings; the paradox is that such contradictory feelings can co-exist.

The journey toward adoptive parenthood is characterized by emotions that swing like a pendulum between extremes: greatest hopes and worst fears; solid leads and bleak dead ends; frenzied rushing and endless waiting; outward confidence and inner doubt. By the time your son or daughter comes home to live with you, you've already been through the emotional mill and are ready to enjoy the fruits of your so-called labor.

It's not long, however, before joy, gratitude, and wonder are joined by their emotional counterpoints, and you begin to realize that mixed feelings have followed you right into parenthood. In the course of any day (or any hour) with your beloved child, you can swing from joy to frustration, from gratitude to nonchalance, from wonder to worry, and back again. All parents experience these feelings; they come as a surprise only to those of us who thought that the process of adopting children would be harder than the process of parenting them. Turns out that the real labor starts after the delivery.

The Paradoxes

You'll think your child is beautiful and brilliant... no matter how plain or average.Maybe it's because you never looked at another human being so lovingly; or maybe, just maybe, it's actually true...but most adopted children are gorgeous (to their parents). Maybe it's because you've lavished so much attention on them, or maybe, just maybe, it's actually true...but most adopted children are gifted (according to their parents).

However, unless you live in Lake Wobegon, where "all the children are above average," chances are, your love has clouded your objectivity. Excessive adoration for long-awaited children can produce overly empowered youngsters. Spoiling kids to compensate for adoption simply creates spoiled kids. Eventually, though, outside your home, they'll realize that they are not the center of the universe.

So, empower your kids with your love--and prepare them for a world that may not love them nearly as much as you do.

62

You'll think it's a match that was meant to be... and know it's a match that may never have happened.No matter what the circumstances of the adoption, no matter how disparate the physical similarities, no matter how arbitrary the timing, most adoptive parents are certain that they are with the right child: This was meant to be! So much about the adoption process is out of our control; perhaps the desire to claim destiny's involvement helps accelerate bonding between strangers who become family.

However, the flip side of this equation makes everyone uneasy: If you and your child were meant to be together, what does that suggest about your child's biological family?

So, respect fate's double-edged message. And know that shared experiences are an even stronger bonding agent than shared origins.

You are proud to be public with your adoption...and then ready to be private.It is during early, ecstatic days that photos of infatuated families are taken; odes to our long-awaited, couldn't-be-more-perfect children are written; and, frankly, adoption is at its most appealing. Most adoption articles, books, listserv messages, and brochures feature new parents with young children.

However, there comes a time later on when your children no longer want you to be adoption's spokesperson. The stories I tell about my son are early ones; I no longer have his permission to share certain parts of his life. Pre-pubescent kids and teens are mortified to be singled out. And, more significantly, the complications of adoption may supersede its celebrations. I've decided it's more important to be a good parent than to be a good adoption ambassador.So, learn how to talk about and promote adoption without compromising your family's privacy.

Adoption is wonderful ...except when it stinks.When our young children learn from us how marvelous it is to be an adoptive family, they wear the label with pride. We're delighted to be invited into our child's first grade classroom to present a lesson on the subject and show how happy and normal we really are.

However, what's cool at six years old is not at eight and never was at ten. As if life weren't hard enough, adoption complicates everything. Your child has to reconcile the life he is living with the life he might have lived. It's extra work without extra credit. And that stinks.

So, understand why kids wish they weren't adopted and, by all means, don't take it personally.

Adoption is commonplace...but adopted kids often feel out of place.Everybody knows somebody who is adopted; it's a well-established and accepted way to build a family these days.

63

However, there's nothing normal about living with parents who aren't related to you, who don't look like you, or who had to get fingerprinted before they could meet you. There's nothing normal about having another mother and father somewhere in the world. No wonder some adopted kids feel different.

So, instead of trying to get your children to feel just like everybody else, accept the fact that they have good reason not to, and help them celebrate their uniqueness.

You tell your children the truth...but not the whole truth.Our children deserve to be told everything we know about them. It is their story.

However, it's hard for kids to get an unfiltered version about why and how they were adopted. It's not that we set out to lie, but we sometimes soften or leave out the bad parts in an effort to protect them. The early adoption stories we tell frequently omit the birthfather--in part, because we'd have to explain that adoption involves sex! Many of our children were unplanned pregnancies; it gets tricky when we tell them how great it is to have them and how bad teenage pregnancy is.

So, tell your children the whole truth, in serving sizes they can handle. The only thing worse than bad news is no news.

You want to talk to your kids about adoption...and they don't want to talk to you about anything.We spend years talking thoughtfully to our children about their adoptions. There are entire books written on how to do that.

However, at about the age when the conversation could have a little give and take, kids start to grunt in single syllables. The tendency is to think, "If you don't want to talk to me, I'm not going to talk to you," but adoption is part of your child's identity for life.

So, keep talking. If you keep the discourse alive, it can become a meaningful discussion again someday.

Your child didn't choose adoption...but gets to choose how to deal with it.Most parents have told their family's story over and over through the years.

However, at some point, your children become the ones to get questions, and their answers may be different from yours. It is your child's personal history--and his or her choice to determine how and whether to tell it. Our son got so sick of certain questions, he created a Web site to deal with them.

So, listen to the answers your son or daughter gives; you can learn something.

64

You may find it easier to adopt a child of color...but transracial parenting is harder. People wanting to adopt children of color often become parents sooner. However, transracially adopted children do not have the advantage of learning about their ethnicities through osmosis, as happens in single-race families. So parents of children with racial identities different from their own have to work at connecting their kids to their birth cultures. Sometimes, adoptive parents can feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, and guilty about making their child vulnerable to ostracism by thoughtless and prejudiced people.

So, get help from people of color, learn with your child, and stop apologizing for being whatever race you are.

You think you're prepared for parenting...and find things you weren't prepared for.It's one thing to read that some kids have ADHD, learning differences, or depression; it's another to live with a child struggling with one or more of these. You can go to the ends of the earth trying to help--only to learn that biochemistry trumps interpersonal chemistry.

So, loosen the link between your child's success and your parenting skills, between your child's happiness and yours. You can have an influence, but you deserve neither all of the credit nor all of the blame.

You have dreams for your children...and they may have other ideas.We know better, as adoptive parents, than to expect miniature clones of ourselves. Still, we hold on to specific hopes and dreams for our kids. We expect great things from our children--in part, because we've given so many great things to them.

However, highly motivated and achievement-oriented parents sometimes raise sons and daughters who turn out to be only average...or worse, children who are motivated to become anyone but you. Kids figure out who they really are, with or without your endorsement. Parents need to come to terms with that and hope that some of the values they've tried to instill seep in and take hold when no one is looking.So, give up the fight to mold your children, because you can't motivate them to become someone they're not. Instead, try to motivate your daughters and sons to become their best selves...no matter how weirdly they dress.

Adoption explains everything...and nothing. Is my son biting me because I'm not his birthmother? Does my daughter keep losing stuff because she's lost her biological connections? Figuring out what's normal, what's idiosyncratic, and what's a problem is tough--especially for parents who've been forewarned about the emotional fallout of adoption and whose radar is on high alert. Adoption is easy to blame for poor behavior, poor grades, and poor self-esteem.

65

However, there are a slew of deviant behaviors that afflict individuals with equal opportunity. How large a part adoption plays is a puzzle that keeps many mental health professionals employed. Once your kids figure out that adoption is a handy culprit, they can blame it for almost anything. Our son used to ask a question about adoption every night at bedtime...it's a great stalling device.

So, you can try to understand why kids do what they do and work on changing that which can be changed: namely, behavior, not adoption.

The Biggest Paradox of All.We read. We attend seminars. We talk to other parents. We listen to our children. In other words, we do our best to become better parents every day. Still, we are humbled by the ultimate paradox:

The more you know about adoptive parenting . . . the less of a know-it-all you become.

Jana Wolff's Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother is now in its fifth printing. She and her family live in Honolulu.

©2003 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

66

Beyond Lucky

As parents, we are neither selfish nor selfless, but we are surely blessed

by Julie Higgenbotham

Not long after we adopted our first child, my husband and I were interviewed by the student newspaper of the university where he teaches. Thrilled to be parents after a decade of traumatic effort, we managed to describe an overwhelmingly emotional process in clear, politically correct language. When the reporter made the inevitable comments about our kind-heartedness, I offered the approved response. “Oh, no, we were selfish,” I said. “We wanted a child, and we found her.”

Three years and another adoption later, I look back on that interview and cringe. Like most adoptive parents, I’ve had to counter frequent assertions that our kids are lucky to be in our family. I’ve bent over backward to protest, truthfully, that we are lucky to have Alice and Meg. But the “we were selfish” phrase now pops out less glibly, if at all.

Horror stories from adult adoptees have led today’s social workers to caution parents that they must never equate adoption with rescue. Any adoptee who is made to feel like a helpless victim, snatched from disaster by saintly parents, is ripe for psychological trauma. The “rescue” concept entails a host of problems, not the least of which is that it ignores the adoptee’s very real ongoing losses.

Parents are thus sometimes counseled to tell children that their adoptions were wholly motivated by selfish longing. In this supposedly honest confession, the children’s needs are minimized; the parents’ desire is maximized. The subculture of adoption apparently views selfishness as more acceptable than compassion. Real life, however, is rarely so simple.

Our adoption of Alice was prompted by something very near desperation. The gaping, child-shaped hole in our hearts couldn’t be healed any other way. Helping a child find a family seemed laudable, but humanitarian ideals weren’t driving us.

Meg’s adoption was more complex. Our hunger for another child was intense, but we were no longer a couple with little to lose. We spent considerable time weighing the emotional and financial risks of a second adoption—risks involving the two of us and our recently adopted toddler. Our fledgling happiness was on the line. Mightn’t it be better to leave well enough alone?

But waiting somewhere was a child who needed love and financial security: gifts we knew we were equipped to give. Meg’s voice was calling us gently, persistently. This time, our child’s needs were better balanced with our own.

Adoption is usually inspired by a bewildering mix of emotions. Philanthropy alone is a poor foundation, but human kindness is real, and it plays an undeniable role in many

67

adoptions. In particular, I know parents who have pursued special needs adoptions in which they have willingly shouldered a burden of pain, expense, and inconvenience, all outweighed by love. “We rescued you” is never an appropriate thing to say, but neither is “we adopted you merely to gratify our selfish desires.”

So today, when people tell me how lucky my children are, I offer a reply that upholds the girls’ dignity while acknowledging the complicated truth. “No,” I say, “we are all blessed to have found each other.”

With its overtones of delight, protection, and grace, “blessed” feels like the right word for the job. To be blessed is to be made sacred—and even nonreligious adoptive families tend to admit that there is something transcendent about the ties that bind them. When I say we “found each other,” I’m also affirming that, in some profound sense, we were lost before we came together.

"We were all blessed to have found each other” is a far different concept from “you were lucky that we saved you.” Adoption has allowed our family to find happiness in the face of sorrow. I don’t know if we’re lucky, but I do know that we have been blessed in our mutual need—and our mutual joy.

Julie, her husband, and two daughters live in Chicago.

© 2001 Adoptive Families Magazine. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

68

Being Thankful for the Broken Things

by Michael Monroe

I suppose you could say that my body is “broken.” This news came as a huge surprise nearly eight years ago, and to say it was a big disappointment at the time is an understatement. After trying to conceive for nearly a year Amy and I learned that I am infertile. I recognize that this is something that guys don’t normally talk about, although I am not exactly sure why that is. But when my doctor explained to us back then what he would need to do in order to find out why I am the way I am (just find out “why,” mind you, not necessarily “fix” anything), we decided we could live with not knowing.

As a result of my condition it is fair to say that Amy is “broken” too, in that she and I together were not able to have biological children. Things just didn’t happen for us like they seemed to for everyone else, although I have now come to learn that we actually aren’t so special in that regard. Statistics indicate that about 10% of couples experience infertility and some 30 to 40% of that infertility is (at least in part) “male-factor.” So chances are that you (or someone you know) might be “broken” in this way too.

When you think about it we are all “broken” in one way or another. Some physically, some emotionally, some relationally – and all of us in relation to God because of our sin. But what I’ve come to truly understand is that God is really into broken things. He reminds me of my grandfather in that way.

My grandfather had a basement full of old, half-working video cameras and all sorts of recording and electronic equipment. I now realize that he had the money to go out and buy the latest, fancy stuff, but he took pride in patching up and fixing the old broken things instead. He would fiddle with it, tweak it and, invariably, he would get that old junky equipment working again. But one thing he never, ever did – he never threw any of it away. Nothing, I mean nothing, was beyond repair or unusable to him. Every little piece, every little part had some value. What nearly everyone passed off as mere junk he regarded as something with value and potential. In his mind, if you put just the right pieces together, no telling what kind of “masterpiece” you would end up with.

As I look at my family, that has been woven together through the miracle of adoption, I get the profound sense that God, similar to my grandfather, is really into creating “masterpieces” out of the broken things in our lives. All four of my children were adopted and so, by definition, they are all “broken” to some extent. They were born into situations that were in different ways “broken” and chances are they will always have some very natural and normal questions about their origins, their identity and what might have been. In other words, questions about some of the broken things in their past.

But God, in His infinite grace and wisdom, chose not to ignore our desire to love and care for children nor the need of the children we now call “ours” to find a forever family. Instead, he continued to author a story of redemption as He carefully wove our lives

69

together. In the words of the apostle Paul from Romans 8, God was working in every detail of our lives for something good – even, maybe especially, in the broken things. And from those broken things He made something truly beautiful . . . something far beyond anything we could have ever imagined or hoped for.

To be honest, when I first learned that I was infertile I did wonder “why.” Now, years later, as I have seen what God has made and is still fashioning out of the broken things in our lives, I’m just simply thankful.

Copyright 2008 Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

70

She Who Truly Loves

by Miroslav Volf

The first thing I saw was a tear--an unforgettable giant tear in the big brown eye of a ten-year-old girl. Then I saw tears in her mother's eyes. In these tears, just enough joy was mixed with pain to underscore the pain's severity: joy at seeing him, their three-month-old brother and son, and intense pain at having kissed him good-bye when he was just two days old; the ache that he, flesh of their flesh, was being brought to them for a brief visit by two strangers who are now his parents; the affliction of knowing that the joy of loving him as a mother and sister usually do will never be theirs.

The joy and the pain of those tears led me to a repentance of sorts. My image of mothers who place their children for adoption was not as bad as my image of the fathers involved, but it was not entirely positive either. I could not shake the feeling that there was something deficient in the act. The taint of "abandonment" marred it, an abandonment that was understandable, possibly even inescapable and certainly tragic, but abandonment nonetheless. To give one's child to another is to fail in the most proper duty of a parent: to love no matter what.

Somewhere in my mind, a famous verse from Isaiah colored the way I was reading birth mothers' actions: "Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you" (Isaiah 49:15). A good mother, I thought, ought to be like Israel's God, absolutely unable to "give up" her child (Hosea 11:8).

But a mother is not God, only a fragile human being living in a tragic world. So why think immediately of abandonment because she decides to place her child for adoption? The tears of our son's birth mother and the actions which, like a beautiful plant, were watered by those tears, suggested that my view of at least some birth mothers may be not only mistaken but also morally flawed. I needed to repent and alter the image.

Later, as I was reflecting on those tears, I came across a passage in Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics. "Witness the pleasure that mothers take in loving their children. Some mothers put their infants out to nurse, and though knowing and loving them do not ask to be loved by them in return, if it be impossible to have this as well, but are content if they see them prospering; they retain their own love for them even though the children, not knowing them, cannot render them any part of what is due to a mother." The text comes from Aristotle's discussion of friendship. He employs the example to make plausible that "in its essence friendship seems to consist more in giving than receiving affection." For Aristotle, a "birth mother" manifests the kind of love characteristic of a true friend, a love exercised for that friend's sake, not for benefits gained from the relationship.

"It is hard to know that you have a child in the world, far away from you," wrote our son's birth mother in her first letter to us. It is hard because love passionately desires the

71

presence of the beloved. And yet it was that same love that took deliberate and carefully studied steps that would lead to his absence. In a letter she wrote for him to read when he grows up, she tells him that her decision to place him for adoption was made for his own good. "I did it for you," she wrote repeatedly and added, "Some day you will understand."

She loved him for his own sake, and therefore would rather suffer his absence if he flourished than enjoy his presence if he languished; her sorrow over his avoidable languishing would overshadow her delight in his presence. For a lover, it is more blessed to give than to receive, even when giving pierces the lover's heart. My image of birth mothers had changed: "she who does not care quite enough" has become "she who truly loves."

When we parted, a smile had replaced the tears on the face of our son's birth mother. Now it was my turn to cry. Back at home, with him in one arm and an open album she made for him in the other, I shed tears over the tragedy of her love. Despite an intense affection for our son – no, because of such affection – I thought there was something profoundly wrong about his being with us and not with her. In a good world, in a world in which the best things are not sometimes so terribly painful, he and she would delight and thrive in each other's love.

The encounter with our son's birth mother left an indelible mark not so much on my memory as on my character. She helped me articulate what it means to be a good parent. A vision of parenting that was buried under many impressions and opinions emerged clearly on the horizon of my consciousness. I ought to love him the way she loved him, for his own sake, not for mine. I must not pervert my love into possession. I can hold onto him only if I let go of him.

But how can I let go of him whom I long so intensely to hold? The only way I know is by placing him in the arms of the same God from whom we received him. I remembered another deeply pained woman – a woman who suffered not so much because she had to give away her child but because, like my wife and me, she needed a miracle to receive a child. It was Hannah, the mother of Samuel. She was given the child she so desperately desired because she was willing to let go of him (1 Samuel 1:11).

Even those of us who will not set our children "before God as Nazirites," as Hannah did, will love them best if we hold them – in God's arms.

Miroslav Volf is the Henry B. Wright Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School.

COPYRIGHT 1998. Reproduced with permission from the August 26, 1998 issue of Christian Century (www.christiancentury.org).

72

73

74

An Unmatched Set

Could I love a child who doesn’t look like me? Yes. More than I’ve ever thought possible.

by Jana Wolff

At our wedding, friends assured my husband and me that we would create good-looking children. And we believed them. It’s that cloning fantasy: our children would be miniature versions of ourselves, inheriting only our best features. I pictured a child with my green eyes and his thick, black hair. My dreams left out our worst features: big nose, freckles, a long second toe, and a proclivity to indigestion.

So many of our dreams (and fears) were shattered along the way: all that talk about how pretty our children would be...and it turned out we couldn’t even have any. When we started considering adoption, I wondered if I could feel like a mother to a child whodidn’t resemble me or my husband.

Much as we all like to think of ourselves as consumed with thoughts more lofty than the issue of appearances, looks play into the emotional process before and after an adoption takes place. Adoption is like a blind date in some ways...a permanent one. Early in the process, birthparent and child are faceless to potential adoptive parents. Adoptive parents worry that their child will be ugly or a dud, or both. They care about looks, not because they are hopelessly superficial, but because they want to fall in love with the stranger who will become their child.

Whether or not you like your own looks, they are familiar, and there is something safe about that. It’s almost as if looking alike will ensure a degree of cohesiveness. Look-alike families are assumed to belong together, but families like ours—who don’t match—are seen as curious groupings of individuals. A white woman holding the hand of a little black boy prompts guessing: His social worker? His baby-sitter? His black father’s white girlfriend? His mother? (No, that couldn’t be.)

Minimizing DifferencesOnce adoptive parents decide that they can parent a child of a different race, they’ve got a more brutal decision to make—one so distasteful, it’s often avoided. They must engage in a shameless discussion about skin pigmentation: how dark is too dark? Many who cross the color line are willing to do so on a continuum of palatability that often reveals an unspoken (and unspeakable) preference for yellow over brown, brown over black, light over dark.

Even within a transracial adoption, it seems, we try to minimize the differences between ourselves and our children. There are many more Asian than African babies adopted by Caucasian parents, as if the yellow-white combination is less transracial than the black-white one. Some of us give ourselves high marks in the discrimination department, but we demonstrate our colorism by preferring brown children (whether Latino, African-

75

American, or mixed race) with European features over black children who share none of our physical attributes. Bizarre as it sounds, white parents of non-white kids remain wishful about family resemblance.

The attraction of opposites seems to apply more to personality than to appearance. Often couples not only share some physical attributes, they even look alike. Blondes gravitate to blondes, and brunettes gravitate to brunettes. Does the wish for transracial matching follow a similar dynamic—like seeking like—or is it outright racism?

I felt like a bigot when I first laid eyes on my son. “He’s so dark,” I thought, and felt ashamed for thinking it. My gut reaction was fueled by gut fear. I was pretty sure I had taken on more than I could handle. Adoption of a white kid would have been enough of a stretch, but we had to go for a baby that came not only out of someone else’s body, but out of someone else’s culture. What kind of pseudo-Peace Corps types were we pretending to be? All I could think was that we were too white to be the parents of someone this black.

A Resounding YesSince that rocky start, our lives, as a transracial family, have grown to feel exactly right. Though no one will mistake the boy sitting next to me for my offspring, he certainly feels like my son. A brown child has become familial, so brown children are now familiar. Pink kids look bland to me in comparison to the beautiful mixtures we see in children of color, adopted and not. Is it possible that mixed-race children, like our son, are more beautiful than the population at large? Or does it just seem that way? Perhaps a kind of reverse preference evolves in transracial families, but it is not very different from the old idea of brunettes liking brunettes. If we perceive our family as a beautiful blend, we see the beauty in others’ blends. Put more simply, we are attracted to ourselves.

In the first stages of being a family created by transracial adoption, we were aware of how different from our son we looked. As time has progressed and the emotional cement of family has hardened, we feel unified (even though the world does not always see us as belonging together). Looking nothing like my child causes questions and looks, but it holds no charge as a threat. We are family. Having said that, it is also true that we take great delight in discovering the ways we resemble one another. When people say that my son and I have the same smile, my smile gets even bigger.

Even though I was a closet pro-cloner when I first married, custom designing the image of my offspring, I ended up with a child who is more beautiful than the one his father and I would have made. When I think back to my pre-adoption fear— “Could I love a kid who doesn’t look like me?”—I know the answer now. I know that you can love a child who doesn’t match and that that child will be nothing short of beautiful to you. I also know that you will sometimes forget that you don’t look alike.

76

Jana Wolff is the author of Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother, now in its fifth printing. She and her family live in Honolulu.

©2003 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

77

Fostering Love

The emotional risks were daunting. But foster adoption was still the best option for me.

by Rosemary Shulman

"Anyone in this class who wants to adopt will be able to adopt.” That was the first thing the social worker said at my foster parent training class. It was exactly what I wanted to hear. For weeks, I’d watched Sunday’s Child after the 10:00 news. The program highlights a child in Los Angeles who is waiting for a family. I never missed a broadcast. And yet I couldn’t make the call; I was too scared to take a chance. Then I went to Alaska to work as a volunteer counselor at a weeklong summer camp for children with special needs. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, and I loved every minute. I left knowing that it was time to make my dream of becoming a mom a reality.

Back home the following Sunday, I must have dialed the number to Sunday’s Child a hundred times before I had the nerve to complete the call. A week later I was sitting in an orientation meeting for prospective adoptive parents. They said I would be notified when the next training began. Eight weeks later I was still waiting.

The Fost/Adopt OptionWhen I mentioned my desire to adopt to a colleague, she told me that she was pursuing adoption through a different route – fost/adopt. Children available for placement in a fost/adopt home have been determined to be less likely than others in the foster care system to return to their birthfamilies. Fost/adopt parents have an open relationship with the birthfamily. Birthparents are counseled about their options and are advised of a plan for adoption as the alternative to reunification.

I learned that 4,000 children in foster care in Los Angeles become available for adoption each year. And with fost/adopt, I didn’t need to own a home or have $30,000 in the bank to become a parent. I decided to give it a try, and within three weeks I was attending MAPP (Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting) classes with other prospective parents. The themes of attachment, abuse, neglect, and the loss a child feels when placed in foster care were daunting at first, but later my group agreed that every parent should be required to attend classes like this. I concluded that I could handle the possibility of giving a child back – though I hoped I would never be faced with that.

I completed my application and homestudy straight away, and was officially placed on the “open homes” list. My house has one bedroom, so I was certified for one child, aged newborn through six months. Three weeks later I was Renee’s mom.

She arrived dressed in a hospital-issue undershirt and diaper, tightly bundled in an infant carrier. As I took her out of the carrier and held her, three of my friends stood beside me. I kept thinking, “Oh my God, I’m a mom. Now what do I do?” After everyone left, I fed her and changed her into her first pair of pink teddy bear pajamas. I admired her ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. We spent the next two weeks visiting our

78

pediatrician, interviewing daycare providers, and coping with sleepless nights. I’d never been happier.

Three days after I returned to work, I received the call: Renee’s great-aunt had been granted custody. My heart was in pieces when I went home that night to pack her little undershirts and sleepers. I wrote a letter to her family explaining that she liked to fall asleep on her side, that she was a good burper after two ounces of formula, and that tickling her toes made her smile. The next day I drove Renee to the agency. Her family hugged me and thanked me for taking good care of her, and I said good-bye to my little girl.

Starting AgainI had just begun to heal after the loss of Renee when I received a call from my social worker. A baby boy was waiting. He had been born nine weeks premature and was now ready for discharge from the hospital. The social worker didn’t know whether he would be a permanent adoption placement. For me, the overwhelming desire to be a mom outweighed the uncertainty.

Justin was three weeks old and barely tipped the scale at four pounds, yet he was surprisingly healthy, with no obvious special needs. He needed to be fed every two hours, and he spit up every time he ate. I constantly worried that he wasn’t receiving enough calories. Sleep deprivation became a way of life. At one point, as he lay in my lap sucking his bottle, newborn Pampers up to his armpits, I fell asleep. I woke to a screaming baby, soaked with formula. I couldn’t tell if he was madder about being wet or about having missed dinner. I learned that Justin was a fighter. If he was willing, so was I.

In two months he gained six pounds, and we became a team—mother and son. Then, once again, the dreaded call came. A great-aunt had been found who was willing to take custody. Another great-aunt? It wasn’t any easier to let go this time.

Even before Justin was gone, the agency called again. They had another baby boy. He was healthy and weighed over eight pounds – huge, after Justin! – and had no family members willing or qualified to take him. He would likely be placed for adoption. I had wanted a few weeks’ break before I went back on the open homes list…but before the social worker had finished giving me the details, I knew I would say yes.

A Family – ForeverMatthew came to live with me on July 20, 1999. Today, at three years, his bright eyes, beautiful smile, and curious nature make my life a wonderful adventure. We love each other beyond reason. Some nights I find myself standing beside his bed just to listen to him breathe. And he is here to stay; our adoption ceremony was held on June 19, 2001.

There are more than 100,000 children in foster care in this country who are legally free for adoption right now. There is minimal or no cost involved in adopting through the foster system. Single parents are welcomed. For families who have their hearts set on a

79

newborn – well, I had three placed with me in a matter of months.

Adopting through the foster care system wasn’t easy; then again, neither are the other ways of adopting. I had several court continuances over the same issue – incomplete paperwork. Yet, despite the aggravating delays – and the initial uncertainty – I will do it again. I treasure my memories of the time, however brief, I spent with my first two babies. I was there for Renee’s first smile, Justin’s first splashes in his bubble bath. Matthew took his first steps into my arms, and he is waiting for me with a big smile at the end of each day.

Rosemary Shulman lives with her son, Matthew, in Los Angeles.

How to Adopt from the Foster Care System For an overview of the steps involved in adopting a child from the U.S. foster care system – or to request a list of local resources – visit www.nacac.org/howtoadopt.html.

©2002 Adoptive Families. All rights reserved. For more articles like this one, to subscribe, or to sign up for the monthly e-newsletter, visit Adoptive Families online at www.AdoptiveFamilies.com.

80

81

82

83

Tapestry Reading & Resource List

Books for Adults

General

A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents, edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe (Comment: A diverse collection of stories that cover many different facets and perspectives of adoption)

A Treasury of Adoption Miracles, Karen Kingsbury

Adoption is a Family Affair! – What Friends and Family Must Know, Patricia Irwin Johnston (Comment: Excellent adoption resource for educating and preparing and family and friends)

Before You Were Mine: Discovering Your Adopted Child’s Lifestory, Susan TeBos and Carissa Woodwyk

Carried Safely Home, Kristin Swick Wong

“Parenting Is Your Highest Calling” And 8 Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt, Leslie Leyland Fields (Comment: Not an adoption/foster care book, but a must read for all parents to better understand what Scripture does (and does not) teach about parenting).

Raising Adopted Children, Lois Ruskai Melina (Comment: Practical advice on a wide range of adoption topics)

Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child, Holly van Gulden and Lisa M. Bartels-Rabb (Comment: Detailed information regarding the various developmental stages of adopted children)

Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother, Jana Wolff (Comment: A very honest account by one adoptive mother, but may be off-putting to some readers)

84

The Essential Adoption Handbook, Colleen Alexander-Roberts

The Power of a Positive Mom, Karol Ladd (Comment: While not an “adoption book,” this book contains valuable insights for all moms and moms-to-be.)

The Ultimate Gift, Mike & Annie Sheaffer

The Waiting Child, Cindy Champnella

The Whole Life Adoption Book, Jayne Schooler

There is No Me Without You, Melissa Fay Greene

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, Sherrie Eldridge

Attachment & Related Topics

Attaching in Adoption, Deborah D. Gray

Nurturing Adoptions, Deborah Gray (Comment: Excellent book for parents adopting children with a history of trauma or abuse)

Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell (Comment: While this is not a Christian book, it offers importance insight into what parents bring to the relationship with their children)

The Connected Child, Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine (Comment: Written by a research team (Purvis and Cross, who lead the Institute of Child Development at TCU), this book is a must read for every adoptive parent)

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft, Mary Hopkins-Best (Comment: Widely regarded as one of the best books available that deals specifically with toddler adoption)

Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families, Jayne Schooler, Betsy Keefer Smalley and Timothy J. Callahan (Comment: Excellent book for both parents and professionals; contains one of the best chapters on the importance of parental expectations.)

Race & Culture

Cross-Cultural Adoption: How to Answer Questions from Family, Friends and Community, Amy Coughlin & Caryn Abramowitz

85

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla, Marguerite Wright (Comment: Excellent book about race and how (and when) kids understand various concepts about race. A must-read for all transracial families.)

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories, Rita J. Simon & Rhonda M. Roorda

Inside Transracial Adoption, Gail Steinberg & Beth Hall (Comment: Terrific overview of the issues facing families who have adopted transracially)

Open Adoption

Dear Birthmother, Kathleen Silber & Phylis Speedlin

Life Givers, James Gritter (Comment: An excellent book that looks at adoption from the birth parent’s experience.)

The Open Adoption Experience, Lois Ruskai Melina & Sharon Kaplan Roszia

Talking with Children About Adoption/Foster Care

Talking with Young Children About Adoption, Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher

Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, Betsy Keefer and Jayne E. Schooler (Comment: Excellent resource to help parents talk with their children about the difficult and painful aspects of their history.)

Theological

Adopted for Life, Russell Moore

Created To Connect: A Christian’s Guide to The Connected Child, Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael & Amy Monroe (Comment: A study guide written for The Connected Child; available for download at www.empoweredtoconnect.org.)

Fields of the Fatherless, C. Thomas Davis (Comment: An insightful and challenging book that reminds us of God’s heart for the least among us.)

Free of Charge, Miroslav Volf (Comment: Not an “adoption book,” although an excellent book about grace and giving. Volf is an adoptive father and writes poignantly about his adoption experience in the opening chapter. An excellent read.)

86

Secure in God’s Embrace, Ken Fong (Comment: A wonderful little book that looks at God’s love through the lens of the biblical theme of adoption.)

The Spirit of Adoption, Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner (Comment: Written by an academic theologian, this book is filled with inspiring personal stories and unique insights into the theological implications and parallels of adoption; somewhat academic in its overall approach.)

Sensory Processing

The Out-of-Sync Child, Carol S. Kranowitz (Comment: Excellent resource to help parents identify and deal with sensory processing issues.)

The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun, Carol S. Kranowitz (Comment: Good book full of practical ideas to help children with sensory processing issues/disorder.)

Books for Children

A Blessing from Above, Patti Henderson

A is for Adopted, Eileen Tucker Cosby

A Mother for Choco, Keiko Kasza

Adoption is for Always, Linda Walvoord Girard

Adoption Stories for Young Children, Randall B. Hicks

All Kinds of Children, Norma Simon

Child of Destiny: Matthew Was Adopted, Phoebe Dawson

Come Along Daisy, Jane Simmons

Daisy and the Egg, Jane Simmons

Family Day: Celebrating Ethan’s Adoption Anniversary, Christine Mitchell

Families are Forever, Craig Shemin

Families Change (A book for children experiencing termination of parental rights) – JulieNelson

God Found Us You, Lisa Tawn Bergren

87

I Don’t Have Your Eyes, Carrie A. Kitze

I Wished for You, Marianne Richmond

It’s OK to Be Different, Todd Parr

Little Miss Spider, David Kirk

Love You Forever, Robert Munsch

Maybe Days: A Book for Children in Foster Care, Jennifer Wilgocki

Murphy's Three Homes (A Story for Children in Foster Care), Jan Levinson Gilman

My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You, Kevin Leman

My Special Family: A Children’s Book About Open Adoption, Kathleen Silber and DebraMarks Parelskin

Over the Moon, Karen Katz

Rosie’s Family, Lori Rosove

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, Jamie Lee Curtis

The Day We Met You, Phoebe Koehler

The Mulberry Bird (Revised Edition), Anne Brodzinsky

The Skin You Live In, Michael Tyler

The Star (A Story to Help Young Children Understand Foster Care), Cynthia MillerLovell

The Whole Me, Ellen K. Baron

The Wonderful Ways Babies Are Made, Larry Christenson

Twice Upon A Time, Eleanora Patterson

Shaoey and Dot: Bug Meets Bundle, Mary Beth and Stephen Curtis Chapman

We Wanted You, Liz Rosenberg and Peter Catalanotto

Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers,

88

Preschoolers, and Beyond, Christine Mitchell

We’re Different, We’re the Same, Bobbi Jane Kates

When You Were Born in Korea, Brian Boyd

W.I.S.E. Up Powerbook (For Children Who Were Adopted), The Center for Adoption Support and Education (www.adoptionsupport.org) (Comment: An excellent resource to help empower your kids to know and be able to answer (or not answer) questions about their family and their adoption. Highly recommended for all adoptive families with school-age children.)

W.I.S.E. Up Powerbook (For Children in Foster Care), The Center for Adoption Support and Education (www.adoptionsupport.org) (Comment: Similar to the original W.I.S.E Up Powerbook for children who were adopted, this resource is a great way to help talk with and empower children in foster care to better understand, accept and handle their story.)

See generally Tapestry Books (www.tapestrybooks.com) for adoption-related books for all ages.

Magazines

Adoptive Families Magazine (www.adoptivefamilies.com)

Adoption Today (www.adoptiontoday.com)

Fostering Families Today (www.fosteringfamiliestoday.com)

Internet Sites

www.adopting.com – general adoption website

www.adoption.com – general adoption website

www.adoptionsupport.org – The Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE)

www.adoptivedads.org – adoption and foster care website specifically for dads and dads-to-be

www.adoptivefamilies.com/foster – a wide variety of articles and stories about foster care and families adopting from foster care

89

www.child.tcu.edu – (TCU’s Institute of Child Development) a research institute led by Drs. Karyn Purvis and David Cross (authors of The Connected Child) that focuses on the needs of adopted and at-risk children and successful parenting techniques to help children heal and thrive

www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/index.cfm - (formerly known as the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) a U.S. government website that provides a variety of general information on all aspects of domestic and intercountry adoption, including adoption from foster care

www.davethomasfoundationforadoption.org – adoption information and resources provided by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, focusing specifically on adoptions of children in America’s foster care system

www.empoweredtoconnect.org – an excellent site filled with video, audio and written resources by Dr. Karyn Purvis and others.

www.howtoadopt.org – an adoption education site sponsored by Show Hope (an adoption organization begun by Mary Beth and Stephen Curtis Chapman)

www.pactadopt.org – deals exclusively with transracial and transethnic adoption issues; PACT’s adoption book guide, however, is a great resource for virtually every adoption book ever published (including children's adoption books)

www.adoptchildren.org – information about foster care and adoption opportunities for children under the care of the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services; this site also contains information about hundreds of Texas children who are currently waiting to be adopted

Tapestry Resources

You can find a variety of adoption and foster care related resources on the Tapestry website at http://tapestryministry.org/resources. You can also find many stories from Tapestry families at http://tapestryministry.org/category/stories.

Disclaimer: We trust that these resources will be helpful to you, but obviously neither we nor Irving Bible Church necessarily agree with or endorse every idea and opinion contained in them. We know that you will use your judgment and discernment as you read and consider these and any other adoption and foster care resources. In addition, we are always available to discuss any questions that you might have, so please feel free to contact Amy or Michael Monroe at tapestry@irvingbible.org or (972) 315-9628.