1

The Silent Treatment Solution is conflict resolution technique we’ve found to be very useful in solving relationship disputes. As the name suggests, it’s the antidote and cure for when you and your partner are giving each other the silent treatment, and you wish to resolve things and bring back the love and intimacy. Before we begin, I want to stress one thing: Do not attempt to employ the “Silent Treatment Solution” when the two of you are in the middle of a heated argument. This technique ONLY works when you have let things cool off, and the two of you are not at each other’s throats.

An Important Note: Timing If you are not on speaking terms with your partner—or you know that things are about to hit the fan—back off. Do not add fuel to the fire. Human beings are emotional creatures, and you need to understand this and use it to your advantage. The good thing about emotions is that they come and go.

2

As long as you give your partner enough time to relax, and for the both of you to think things through logically, the chances of you being able to open up the lines of communication to talk constructively increase exponentially. There is no shame in backing down and walking away from the situation if the chances of it ending up in a bitter argument are high. You need to take the moral high ground and walk away (for the time being). Think about it like this: Any good general knows the mindset of his troops makes or breaks whether or not they break and flee on the battlefield, or if dig in and hold their ground. A smart commander knows it’s better to retreat, regroup and then rally his men to come back and fight another day, when the chances of victory are much higher. The most common problem that causes couples to end up having explosive arguments is choosing the wrong time to have “the talk.” I cannot stress how important it is to open up the lines of communication at the right moment. If you open it up too early, your partner will be wondering why you want to have “the talk” and rebut you. You’re going to end up with your feelings hurt, and your anger and resentment will only grow. If you try to open the lines of communication too late, then chances are you’re going to end up trying to pick up the pieces of a shattered relationship. You’ll be left alone attempting to salvage what you can from the situation. This is why you need to make sure you get the timing right when you decide to employ the Silent Treatment Solution.

Lets Meet Joe and Jessica I’ll use the following situation between Joe and Jessica to illustrate how the Silent Treatment Solution can be used. Let’s say Joe and Jessica are on vacation in England, where she’s from originally. During this trip, they were able to spend time with some of Jessica’s family members. However, they haven’t seen Jessica’s parents yet. They’re now approaching the end their stay in England. Joe is

3

under pressure from his boss to cut his trip short and come back to the USA, due to a huge project he needs Joe to work on. Jessica, however, will not agree to end their trip until they’ve visited her parents. So Joe reluctantly agrees (even though he can’t stand Jessica’s father, and they live a two-hour drive away). The plan is set to leave their hotel at 3pm to make the two-hour drive to her parents’ house. That day, Jessica goes out shopping with her sisters, gets stuck in traffic, and doesn’t get back to the hotel until nearly 5pm. Joe has been left stuck at the hotel, waiting for her, while dealing with angry emails from his boss. At last, they set out in their rental car to drive to Jessica’s parents house in the English countryside. It’s pouring rain. Jessica’s directions are wrong, which causes Joe to get lost. By the time they finally reach her parents’ house, Joe is miserable and just wants to get out of there as soon as possible. The result:

On the car ride back to their hotel, they fight the entire time. Jessica is furious at Joe for being rude and grumpy to her parents.

Joe’s mad at Jessica for screwing up the plans that were previously agreed upon.

As the argument escalates, both of them say mean, hurtful things.

Back at the hotel, their emotions exhausted, Joe and Jessica go into “silent treatment” mode. Neither will speak to the other. So who’s really at fault? Perhaps Jessica is more to blame, because if she didn’t mess up the schedule, the night could have turned out much better. But from Jessica’s perspective, this is just another example of Joe being inconsiderate. He’s never shown much interest in her family, and he often prioritizes his work (and the demands of his pain-in-the-ass boss) over her needs. If the two of you have been fighting for a period of time, there is tension that has gradually built up, causing resentment inside you. The situation is going to escalate to the point where you either explode into a bitter argument, or just give your partner the silent treatment and try to ignore the underlying problems. Either way, it’s not healthy for the relationship until the underlying conflict is resolved to a level of satisfaction that both of you feel to be reasonable. Most arguments in long term relationships can be analyzed using this “Cycle of Resentment” diagram as you can see below.

4

Step 1 - Minor Issues of Discomfort This is when one person does something that slightly annoys the other. But it’s not big enough to warrant an argument. For example, a husband who leaves dirty dishes in the sink instead of cleaning up after himself. Step 2 - Small Build Up Of Resentment Eventually the small annoyances add up, and the other person begins to develop some serious resentment. Step 3- Gradual Increase of Anger/Tension Over time, the resentment builds up slowly but surely. This is characterized by small acts of aggression or “lashing out” in the relationship where the aggrieved snaps at the other party for “no apparent reason.”

5

Depending on the personality types of the people involved, the following may occur:

Step 4 - Silent Treatment Or Argument The aggrieved party either “shuts out” the offending party or starts an explosive argument with them. Here are the possible outcomes: Silent Treatment Option:

1. Silent Treatment > Step 5. Break up: the other party is wondering what went wrong, as no clear explanation was given.

2. Silent Treatment > Resolve issues: the aggrieved finally opens up to the other party and comes to a mutually satisfactory solution.

3. Silent treatment > Ignores Issues: the aggrieved party tries to “ignore” the issue but the resentment keeps building up and it gets worse, to the point where they end up in an explosive Argument.

Argument: 1. Argument > Step 5. Break up: the parties erupt in an explosive

argument, which leads to a breakup. The two people are either fighting with each other, or in Silent Treatment mode. This breakup could be temporary, or could result in divorce.

2. Argument > Resolve issues: the parties end up arguing, but eventually resolve the issues. Normally, after an argument there is a period in which the “Silent Treatment” is used by one or both parties.

3. Argument > Ignores Issues: the parties end up in a bitter argument, but they do NOT resolve their issues and instead, continue to fight about inconsequential things. After some time, the anger subsides, the resentment is still there, but the couple stays together, giving each other the “Silent Treatment” on a regular basis.

As you can see, the “Silent Treatment” occurs in nearly all of the possible outcomes. This is why it’s imperative to know how to handle it properly so that you are able to resolve the conflict once and for all and build a stronger and longer lasting and more loving relationship.

6

Step 1 - The Pattern Interrupt

The opening technique of the Silent Treatment Solution is known as a “pattern interrupt.” What you want to do here is break the previous negative patterns of interactions you had between you and your partner. This will put an immediate end to the fighting, and give you an opportunity to salvage the situation so that the two of you can make up. The basic idea behind the pattern interrupt is to lighten the severity of the situation. You want to give your partner the impression that you’re the first one to back down. This means you have to be the one to drop your guard and initiate the steps towards making up. If you do this, you won’t your hurt partner’s ego and you’ll make it easier for them to open up to you, for you to transition into the next steps of the Silent Treatment Solution. You may think, “hold up, if I make the first move to make up, it means I’ve lost the struggle of power and my partner has won.” If this is your attitude, then you really need to decide what’s more important to you: having a healthy and loving relationship with your partner, or winning immature, childish fights that really do nothing to strengthen your bond? I think the answer is obvious here. So let’s stop playing games and get back towards mending your relationship. Depending on the type of relationship you had with your partner, you’re going to find different types of “pattern interrupts”. However, here are some common methods:

Role-playing - if you and your partner have given each other nicknames in the past when things were going good, you can start attempting to use them again here. Here’s an example:

7

“Monkey… I’m sorry for fighting with you. Let’s not fight anymore. “ If you say this out of the blue, especially when the both of you are giving each other the silent treatment, your partner won’t know how to react. They’ll be confused and will be wondering what they should do next.

Gesture of kindness - so maybe your partner has rolled up on the other

side of the bed and is refusing to talk. You can turn around, give them your blanket and tuck it under their neck and kiss them on the forehead or cheek and say: “I’m sorry for fighting, let’s not fight ever again.” Any gesture of kindness towards them will throw your partner’s anger at you off at a tangent, and they wont’ know what to do.

Hugging them from behind - this is perfect, because the gesture of

holding them from behind will almost immediately lower their defenses. If your partner is in the house, there are plenty of opportunities for you to walk up behind them and just hug them suddenly. For example, if they are watching TV or standing in front of the kitchen.

Once you hug them, you can say something like: “I’m sorry for fighting, let’s not fight ever again.”

Notice the wording you use in this situation is carefully worded so it SOUNDS like it’s an apology, but in reality you’re only sorry for the situation you have ended up in (that is, you’re sorry for fighting, not sorry for doing whatever your partner accused you of). To the receiver, however, it sounds like you’re actually saying “sorry.” This is a sneaky but clever way of preserving your ego and diffusing the awkward at the same time. If possible, use a combination of the different pattern interrupts, perhaps you can cover them with a blanket, kiss them and then hug them from behind. The more you stack these pattern interrupts, the harder it is for your partner to NOT cooperate with you.

What If Your Partner Rejects Your First Move? If your partner rejects your first move at making up, and they are still around and haven’t left the situation. It just means you didn’t wait long enough for them to cool down. They are still too angry at you so you just need to be more patient, don’t take their rejection personally and come back and try again in a little while.

8

Step 2 - Sympathetic “Shit Sandwich” The “Shit Sandwich” is a popular and commonly employed method of employee evaluation and technique used to criticize the worker, but at the same time boost their confidence.

In order to make the “Shit Sandwich” work for relationships, you need to employ it in the sympathetic manner. This is how the “Sympathetic Shit Sandwich” would be implemented: Layer 1 Admit that the both of you are imperfect and there’s room for improvement on both sides: “I know that we’ve been fighting a lot lately, and I have to admit that I’m also at fault. I think we can both agree that there are things we can both do to make it right”. As you can see the wording here is very neutral. You are not blaming your partner, but instead stating a simple fact. Both of you are responsible for contributing to the argument. Layer 2

9

This is where it’s CRUCIAL that you word your message very carefully. Remember, you’re talking about something very sensitive here and you want to make sure that your message is going to be accepted by your partner and then agreed upon. Keep the following points in mind:

1. DO NOT Place blame directly - NEVER use “you’re” or “you keep doing.” In fact, if possible remove the word “you” completely. The reason being, the word “you” places the sole blame on your partner (and even if they are to blame 100%), immediately puts them on the defensive. They will start taking things personally and it will not be conducive to a positive outcome.

2. DO NOT use superlatives - NEVER say things like “you ALWAYS” or “you NEVER.” I can guarantee you that your partner doesn’t ALWAYS do whatever you’re accusing them of doing. Just like in the previous point, once you do this, you’re going to put them on the defensive and they’ll start arguing with you and being technical, for instance, “I don’t ALWAYS do XYZ, I just do it SOMETIMES.” As you can see, if you choose your wording incorrectly you set yourself up perfectly to create more fights and arguments over something that isn’t the main point of the discussion and makes both parties even more frustrated.

Make sure when you do communicate with your partner, you employ these methods:

1. Speak from a third person “we” perspective - this way you are able to distance the both of you from the situation and look at it from more of an objective perspective. This also means that the blame you’ll be placing won’t be taken as directly by your partner and will be much more easily agreed upon, as the responsibility would be equally shared.

For example: Instead of saying: “you always leave your dirty socks and laundry everywhere” Try this: “is it possible for us pickup the dirty socks and laundry in the house”.

2. Switch Roles - The best way to get your partner to understand what you feel is putting them in your shoes. This is the ONLY time when you’re able to directly accuse and point the finger of blame at them, and they won’t take it personally as you’re talking about a hypothetical scenario.

10

Ask them “What would you do if you were in my situation?” but don’t just leave it at that. Actually repeat the situation you’re in and substitute them to be you. It’s IMPERATIVE that you go over the situation once again in detail, but this time using THEIR name as you.

Let’s apply this to Joe and Jessica’s situation. They’re driving back to their hotel in the rain, after an awkward, unpleasant visit with her parents, and Jessica is angry at him for being inconsiderate. Joe, meanwhile, is still steaming over the fact that Jessica kept him waiting at the hotel for an hour, when she knew he wanted to go and get this visit over with as soon as possible. Imagine Joe saying what a lot of people might say, while trying to defend themselves in an argument: “What would you do if you were in my situation?” The problem here is that Joe isn’t giving Jessica any information about how her actions affected his plans and made the night bad for both of them. Jessica isn’t going to take this question seriously. She can simply respond with a smart aleck comment, and make the situation worse. Even worse, Joe might escalate the argument by taking this one minor issue (Jessica kept him waiting at the hotel) and blowing it up into a larger fight: “You don’t appreciate anything I do. I work my ass off to keep a roof over our heads, and you think shopping with your idiot sisters and dragging me to your parents’ house is more important than me keeping my job!” Now let’s take a look at what Joe SHOULD say (calmly, not in an angry tone):

“Try to look at this from my perspective. I’m under pressure from my work, and I agreed to stay in England just so that we could spend time with your parents. When you kept me waiting for an hour at the hotel, it made me feel like you weren’t being respectful of my time and effort. Can you try to understand how I was feeling?” As you can see, once Joe forces Jessica to think things through from his perspective by putting her in his shoes, she’ll understand much better where he’s coming from. Also, Joe is focusing on resolving this specific conflict. He isn’t blowing it up into a nasty argument about something else.

11

3. Give constructive criticism - Once you’ve made your partner listen to you and you have gotten your point across, make sure you don’t end it there. Now’s the time where you drive your point home.

You want to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not just bitch and rant because you’re angry and hurt. You want to be able to remedy this situation and prevent it from ever becoming an issue in the future. Please be sure to include actionable steps to take, not just random theoretical nonsense that won’t be measurable and quantifiable by anyone. Using Joe and Jessica’s example, either one of them could say to the other:

“In the future, if we make plans with each other and we’re not able to keep our word, then whoever broke off the original plans in the first place doesn’t have the right to get angry at the other person. “

Layer 3 This is where you turn negativity into a positive and reassure the other party you are only saying this because you care. In fact, it’s a good thing in a way that the two of you had this kind of fight. Otherwise, if you didn’t care for each other anymore, you wouldn’t have an argument! You only fight and bicker with each other because you care deep down for them and cherish your relationship. Applying this to Joe and Jessica’s situation, they could both continue by saying: “I know we’re fighting right now, but I guess it’s a good thing if you think about it. It just shows that we still care for each other enough. If we never have an argument and never fight, we never bring up things that make us unhappy. A problem can’t be fixed until it’s known to exist. If you think about the grand scheme of things, this is a small thing to fight about, and if we care about this issue so much it means we really still care for one another”.

12

Step 3 - Future Projections & Comforting Each Other (Making Up)

The last part of the Silent Treatment Solution is where you wrap things up and make up with your partner. The best way to comfort each other to reassure them that you’re going to be in this for the long haul and that you see each other together as an item into the distant future. That’s why you want to make sure you make future projects where the both of you are still together having a lot of fun and loving relationship. Using Joe’s situation: “Jessica, let’s just agree to never fight over this again. When your parents come to visit next year, I’m sure I won’t have any work deadlines to meet and I’ll make it up to them by taking them out to that restaurant that you love.” Using Jessica’s situation: “Joe, let’s just agree to never fight over this again. When my parents come to visit next year, I’ll be sure to have the presents ready for them early. In fact, I’ll cook your favorite dish, because my mom really loves it, too.”

As you can see, the Silent Treatment Solution is very effective when used correctly. I am sure it will help you open the lines of communication in most instances where your partner is giving you the silent treatment. I have used this method time and time again without fail and it’s always produced good results. Without doubt, I’m certain you can see the power of it too when you apply it to your own relationships.

13

The Silent Treatment Solution may sound like a bit much to implement in one go. That’s why I advise you to write down your thoughts and how you feel. This gives you a way to really articulate your thoughts in a manner that gives you a chance to actually “proof read” what you write. The beauty of this is that it reduces the likelihood of you saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. At least after you write down your thoughts you have an opportunity to take a step back and proof read what you wrote. That way you can decide whether or not what you’re saying will come out as too harsh or inappropriate, and modify your message accordingly. A good tactic is to write down your Silent Treatment Solution, and read it twice. Then when you’re ready, approach your partner and talk about it in person. You can either talk about the situation without the paper in hand, or if you decide it suits your situation, you can have it beside you. If your partner is wondering what you’re reading, just tell them this: “I wanted to write down my thoughts onto paper so I would make sure I wouldn’t say anything stupid and hurtful. I really care about this relationship so I hope it’s ok with you that I don’t miss out anything important. That’s why I wrote it down.” I’m sure once your partner hears that it’ll serve as a good “pattern interrupt” that I mentioned in step 1. Good luck! Just keep in mind, disagreements are normal in any relationship. How you handle these disagreements and manage your emotions (and the emotions of your partner) is one of the keys to a healthy, happy and loving relationship.