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Friday, April 1, 2016/Page 1
IN THIS ISSUE:Monumental lunch changes, An-derson’s secret affair, Chemistry teachers secretly in witness pro-tection program, Gold mine found under the school, New amazing hair growing solutioni, art teacher
needs help
Vol. 14 No. 3 April 1, 2016
ANDERSON
AFFAIR WITH ROSIE
SERTICH FINDS HIDDEN TREASURE
5 COURSE MEALSMISSING
MISSING
Page 2/Friday, April 1, 2016
The Patriot Press
Carrie Etheredge, Editor-in-ChiefAshley Daniel, Features Editor
Cori Rollins, Sports Editor749 Athens Rd.
Lexington, GA 30648(706) 743-8124
Published quarterly in October, December, April, and May. All opinions expressed are those of the individual writer and not necessarily those of the administration or the Patriot Press.
Members of The Patriot Press Staff include:Seniors: Ashley Daniel, Caitlin Leard, Bridget Shenkel, Annabeth Walden, Cade Massey, Marion Foster, Chancey Maxwell, Caitlin Fleeman, Shane Argo, Luke McDaniel, Austin Godfrey, Imani Hairston, Juniors: Jayden Smith, Edward Shenkel, Cori Rollins, Julia Thackston, Harliegh Fitz-Patrick,Sophomore: Makayla Smith, Katherine Wray, Daneil Lindmier
By: Danielle G. Lindmier and Makayla Smith
Spring: a time for joy, happiness, and most of all love. At least that seems to be the case here at OCHS. Mr. Anderson, a teacher well-known for his vast collection of bobble heads, has always found joy in collecting and receiving popular figures from the past and present in the form of cute collectibles, but it seems as though there is one that’s cuter than most. Over the past couple of weeks, he has been falling deeper and deeper in love with Rosie the Riveter, a popular female figure for women of the 1940s.
At first, no one truly understood w h a t w a s happening. Mr. Anderson simply took Rosie home one day, leaving all of his other bobble heads on the shelf overnight. Sure, it was kind of strange, but nothing else is really expected from Mr. Anderson anymore. When the students asked him about it, he claimed that he was afraid that she would get stolen, referring to
her directly as “Rosie” as if she were a real person. This happened a couple of more days before the truth came out. Around midnight, a small group of students snuck into Mr. Anderson’s yard with the intentions of “decorating” his house with toilet paper. Before they even got a chance, though, one of the students gasped and called the others to one of the windows. Through the curtains, they noticed that a small figure was standing on top of one of the tables, and when the curtains fluttered open further, they saw a shrine with Rosie in the center. The students were so amazed that they forgot what they had went there to do and ran home to send the news to all of their friends.
The next day, the school was buzzing with this newfound news. Some students were shocked and others were just completely confused altogether. After all, Mr. Anderson was married, and how could anyone fall in love with a bobble head? “Only Mr. Anderson,” a few students agreed. Of course, Mr.
Anderson denied it at first. As the accusations and rumors poured in, though, he had to admit that he had indeed fallen in love with Rosie the Riveter. He said that he had admired her strength for a long time and had only now taken action. “You can’t deny the beauty in it,” says Mr. Anderson. “I had tried to for quite a while, but I can see qualities in her that just
Anderson Falls Head Over Heels
For Rosie
From struggling to supply paper to steaks for lunches, OC has moved up in society! On a crisp spring morning OC’s very own Travis Sertich discovers a hidden gold mine under the Ag barn. “I was simply trying to catch a rabbit that ran into a small hole on the side of the barn, and my flash light caught something shinin’ in darkness.” Says a very excited Sertich. The school has gone from rags to riches, sucking to winning, and moldy to clean. “We’ve been roach free for almost two weeks now!” exclaims a very satisfied Mr. Bill Sampson. The school has
bought all new computers and restored the pitiful wifi and internet connections. They plan to continue b u y i n g m o r e l a n d surrounding the schools in the county now. All the best teachers and professors in Georgia have applied for positions in this once catastrophic school. Coming soon to new and improved Oglethorpe C o u n t y : Vo l l e y b a l l , Swimming, Lacrosse, Ping pong/ table tennis, Tennis clean/ new team uniforms, New non-diet soda machines, Starbucks, Chick-fil-a, New stadium, New desks and lunchroom tab les , Smar t board for every classroom,
From Pauper to PrinceBy:Annabeth Walden, Jillian Sanders, and Lili Petron
Mac book pros for all students, School store (clothing, food, classroom materials), Unlimited printing paper, New non- toxic bathrooms, Parking lot (equipped with actual parking spaces), New library, Study hall period, Cell phones allowed in lunch periods and class changes, Music studio in band room, Four planning periods for Coach D, 45 minutes for lunchMany new attractions will be coming to Oglethorpe County School District to improve the lives and education of many students.Ogle thorpe County- w h e r e f a i l u r e i s FINALLY not an option.
seem unreal.” But what qualities? Some wondered. What strength? “It’s just a piece of plastic,” Jayden Smith said about the matter. “There’s nothing to love.”
Well, some may have their doubts, but Mr. Anderson says he knows how he feels. Ms. Anderson, however, believes that this is simply a phase. “My
husband has always been a little odd,” she admits, and her laughter proves it. “That’s why I love him. I know that this will end, and I’m willing to wait for that time. For now, I just give him a little space.” Whatever this truly is- a weird phase or a tragically, challenged love story- it is bound to shake a few heads.
Friday, April 1, 2016/Page 3
O g l e t h o r p e County High School s t a r t s s e r v i n g a 5-course meal to replace the current lunch. In the first issue of the Patriot Press, I bashed the current food our cafeteria is serving.
Even though what I said was considered ‘harsh’, the school is willing to make a change. During the afternoon announcements today, the school will unveil the changes to the menu. There will no
longer be undercooked hamburgers, bruised fruit, or sweet potato fries drowned in ketchup to mask the crappy taste. We now know the school actually does care about the students’ health. They are now going to serve a gourmet m e a l ! E v e r y d a y ! In response to the news article, the Board of Education unanimously voted to eliminate the current menu items that are cont inual ly served every other week. They will replace it with new
WHAT’S COOKIN’ NOW?By Jayden smith
M r s . C y g a n i k will try to start the day with a selfie because it will make her day during a school day. One day a student named Harleigh was talking by Mrs. Cyganik room with her fiends Tiffany and Jaime. They could see something going on in Mrs. Cyganik room, so they walked over to the door and they see Mrs. Cyganik taking a selfie on her phone. They open the door and they asked her, “Mrs. Cyganik, why are you taking a selfie for?” the girls said together. M r s . C y g a n i k jumped so far off the ground that they thought she broke her foot . “You guys scared me to dea th!” Mrs . Cyganik said scared.
“Sorry.” The girls said.“What are you girls s t i l l a t school for?! You ladies should be at home! Why are you ladies here anyway?!?!” Mrs. Cyganik said. She is very worry why the girls still at school for. “You told us to meet you here because you said you would help us with college stuff.” said Harleigh. “Oh yeah right. I forgot about it. Sorry I freaked out at you girls. I usually do my selfie in the morning before school starts.” quickly said by Mrs. Cyganik. “ I t ’ s o k a y . ” said the girls together. The girls sat a table in the classroom. The girls got to talking while they waited for
Mrs. Cyganik. Tiffany said something about the selfie and the girls started to laugh really hard . Mrs . Cyganik look at the girls weirdly. “What are you girls talking about?” asked Mrs .Cyganik . The gir ls look a t e a c h o t h e r a n d
Mrs.Cyganik, why are you taking a selfie?
BY: Harliegh Fitz- patrickstarted to laugh again. “ W h a t ? ! ” laughed Mrs. Cyganik.T h e g i r l s l o o k a t each other and said, “Why were you taking a self ie , Mrs. Cyganik?” said the girls while trying to control their laughs. Then Mrs.C y g a n i k s t a r t e d t o
laugh with at the girls. “I was taking a s e l f i e a b o u t i t s p r i m a r y Tu e s d a y. ” s a i d M r s . C y g a n i k . “Oh.” said the girls. T h e y f i n a l l y got themselves back together and they back to business about the college situation.
and improved items. They also approved to eliminate 5th period to allow for more time during lunch. We will now have 45 minutes t o e a t e a c h d a y ! T h e s c h o o l c a f e t e r i a w i l l b e serving two types of 5-course meals: one for sophisticated palettes and one for those of us who enjoy a deep south flavor. For the sophisticated palettes, the menu will include food like caviar, waldorf sa lad , lobs te r t a i l , calamari, filet mignon,
porchetta, clam risotto with lemon, lemon soufflé, and crème brûlée. Although wine is prohibited, chilled sparkling juice cocktail will be served. For those who want a downhome meal the menu will include pig feet, neck bone, rabbit and gravy, catfish, squirrel, fried frog legs, venison, corn bread, chitlins, pecan pie and sweet tea. The new menu changes will be implemented Monday, April 4. Let’s hope the School Board keeps their promise.
Page 4/Friday, April 1, 2016Page 4/Friday, April 3, 2015
Upcoming Freshman to Include Two ChimpanzeesBy: Bridget Shenkel (B.S.)The Class of 2020 is to in-clude two Chimpanzees, Rose and Henry. Both chimpanzees’ IQs sur-pass any IQ ever seen at Oglethorpe County High School. Rose and Henry both have IQs higher than both Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein (of course, Albert Einstein is dead, so his current IQ is effectively 0), Rose with an IQ of 395 and Henry with an IQ of 410. Princi-pal Johnson says she has “never been more excited for an upcoming fresh-man class.” She believes that “the chimps will show true Oglethorpe County School spirit.” Teachers suspect the chimps will be in the Top Ten Percent of the class, Rose to be Vale-dictorian and Henry to be Salutatorian. Despite Mr. Brooks’s absolute joy of retiring, the arrival of the Chimps Rose and Henry excited him so much that he’s refusing to retire. He says he wants to teach them. He believes “they’ll be his best students.”Rose and Henry were born in a jungle in Africa where they were taken in by two scientists after the jungle suffered a wildfire which killed Rose and Henry’s parents. After a few years, the scientists began to notice the chimps pick-ing up human traits. The scientists decided, just like in the movie “Rise of the Planet of the Apes”, to test and experimental drug on the pair. Within the year, the chimps began showing massive changes in their brains. As an experiment, the scientists decided to enroll their “two children” in school.This coming school year will be their first year in a public school system. Though excited, Mrs. Kitchens says that one of her main concerns is
“how well their apposable thumbs work when writ-ing essays.” She says, “After all these freshman I’ve done dealt with, ain’t nothing gon’ be better than two chimpanzees sittin’ in my classroom.” Ms. Maddox is concerned that the chimps might not be able to do their homework. She also wonders “how well they will be able to use a graphing calculator.” Though he won’t teach them this year, Mr. Weis wonders how the Human Anatomy class will benefit them.
Mr. Garrett in Witness Protection Program, Comes Back as “Mr. Goss”
By Ashley DanielMichael Garrett began teaching at OCHS in the fall of 2014. After three months, he went MIA. Whenever students asked about Garrett’s location, the administration would say that they were unsure. After it became clear that Garrett was not coming back, his students were given to other science teachers in the school. There were many theories behind his disappearance. Many students believed that he was sent on a secret military expedition to help fight ISIS because of his former US military career. Others claimed that they saw him working at Kroger. This week, Bridget Shenkel
told the newspaper staff that her grandmother had a fender bender with Garrett around the time that he went missing. It has been said that Shenkel’s temper is hereditary, so there is no surprise that Garrett ended up in the Witness Protection Program. Seeing that her car was no longer in perfect condition, Mrs. Shenkel exploded with rage and attempted to leave a matching dent in Garrett’s body. Even after the insurance company compensated Mrs. Shenkel for the damage Garrett was responsible for, she continued to lash out on Garrett for the next three weeks because the incident caused her to miss her weekly motocross meeting.
Garrett would find photos of himself with his eyes cut out all over his apartment, but the final straw was when he found his bright yellow 2002 Chevy Spark keyed with the words “COMIN FOR YA MICHAEL -GRANNY SHENKEL” all around its exterior. Before this occurred Garrett already filed a claim at his local courthouse for a restraining order against Granny Shenkel. Obviously to no avail, Garrett realized that his only other option was to enter the Witness Protection Program. This was a very difficult thing for Garrett to do because this meant that he would have to leave his beloved students at Oglethorpe County High School.
After Garrett’s “disappearance” a new Chemistry teacher, Ms. Fletcher, was hired at OCHS. Fletcher only taught for short amount of time before she “quit.” During the spring of 2016, another male teacher, Mr. Goss, was hired to take Fletcher’s place. The teaching styles of Garrett and Goss are very similar. The only difference is that Goss does not have the infamous bandana Garrett used to wipe away his perspiration due to stress. Did the government have something to do with Fletcher leaving and “Mr. Goss” arriving at OCHS? Who knows, but we’re all glad to welcome Mr. Goss (back) to OCHS.
Friday, April 1, 2016/Page 5Friday, April 3, 2015/Page 5
By Caitlin Leard
The newest art teacher at OCHS – Mrs. Pierce – swears she’s close to pulling all her hair out. According to her, fifth and sixth period are driving her to insanity. From leaving behind messes to just being rude, fifth and sixth appear to be the spawns of evil. “There are a few sweet ones”, Mrs. Pierce admits, “But the rest get on my last nerve most of the time.”The “sweet ones” are mainly in her 4th period class, which is a mix of Art 1, 2, and 3 students. Some art students
in fourth period claim that there’s something off about fifth and sixth period. Fifth stares fourth period students down when passing them in the hallway. Ombudsman hall, where the art room lies, seems to become darker when fifth or sixth period walk down it. Other witnesses say the lights on crossroads are naturally dimmer and need replacing, but no one will listen. “It’s not surprising fifth period is like that”, Senior Ashely Daniel points out, “It’s full of ninth graders.”“Ashley”, Mrs. Pierce counters, “You’re in my
s i x th pe r i od . ”Ash l ey Daniel, a senior, has been investigating the strange happenings with the terrible two periods for months now. She was close to cracking the case – she even went as far as to invade sixth period as a class change in her schedule – but then, a blessing was sent from the heavens. Ms. Gregg – a student teacher – became Mrs. Pierce’s new helper in the classroom. Seeing her chance, Ashley convinces Gregg to join her cause. Now they work together to bring the two periods to justice. Mrs. Pierce is none the wiser.
Mrs. Pierce Seeks Help
Within the walls of our school we are held to a certain standard to how we dress ourselves. We are least required to look half way decent, and look less like a walking trash can. “If you can’t dress yourself appropriate then you can get the heck out!” is the
motto we live by here in Oglethorpe County High School. Recently a man by the name of Mr. Brooks has been claiming he is retired when really he has been fired by our principal Mrs. Johnson because he has been unable to follow the rules of our dress code.
For the last 20 years our school has had enough of Mr. Brooks’s appearance, he has made a mockery of our school. He dresses like a homeless person, smells terribly, and we think he has forgotten to groom. He gets by with wearing these nasty redneck overalls,
dirty graphic T-shirts, and not any shoes but shocks with holes. He has been rumored that Mr. Brooks actually is homeless, supposedly sightings of Mr. Brooks sleeping in a tent in an alley way in Athens. Mr. Brooks’s appearance will not go on any longer it is time for this man to go. Do not let this man fool you with his lies by saying he is retiring! He was fired! No ifs, ands, or buts! “I’m not going to blend in with this world by following its customs. Why doesn’t the world blend in with me?” Mr. Brooks’s says. His quote is just proving him to be lazy. Over the last few months we have been trying to convince him to stop dressing so homeless and look more professional, but when we try to ask him he assigns us more stories to read and answer questions
on so he can sit at his desk to drink his coca cola like the homeless man he is. As I said before, there have been rumors of Mr. Brooks being homeless. As evidence shows us he has been begging for money from the students over and over again, he always talks about how sleeping in a tent hurts your neck, and he never baths. Lice is constantly in his old dusty dirty beard, and his hair is very greasy. Our school will not have to deal with inappropriate dress code violations within out school any longer, this causes for a celebration. We all owe a big thank you to our school district for putting an end to Mr. Brooks’s career. Let his mistakes be a lesson for our school to grow and allow for better followers of our dress code. Goodbye Mr. Brooks, and fearwell. Shhhooooooo!
NOT RETIRED, BUT FIREDBy: Cade Massey
Page 6/Friday, April 1, 2016
*Not Trump’s Toupee
Are you sick of thin-ning hair? Have your kids taken a liking to calling you ‘Bald the Builder?’ Do you look like a stand in for Mr. Clean? Then you’re in luck thanks to Dr Weis’ new product: Bos-gaine! According to The Weismeister him-self, ‘it’s made from the best stuff on Earth, just like Snapple.’ As valued customer for nearly two and a half weeks, Shane Argo says: “I’ve always dreamed of wearing a hedge on my head, and Bosgaine made that dream a reality!” In fact, The Weis Krispie himself struggled with thinning hair during his college years, and learning everything he could from his chemistry professor, set out to beat the top of line in the hair growth solu-tion industry: Bosley and Rogaine . Most people are under the impression that Bosgaine is much too over-priced for the amount of satisfaction that it brings. But for the low, low price
Weis Invents Hair Growth SolutionBy: Luke McDaniel
of one kidney, two fingers (down to the 2nd knuckle, chosen by product solici-tor), and one fourth of your first born child’s liver you can get an astonishing 4 hours of full blown 70’s afro (solicitor not responsi-ble for any injuries caused by a sudden increase in hair volume). Side effects may include but are not limited to: excessive belly button lint, toe jam (possibly in a door), minor blindness, the Bee’s Knees, appearance of extra limbs, sudden and unexplained onset of curs-ing in a baby voice, public micturition, the ability to attain ‘buddhahood’ while bypassing the steps to Nir-vana, projectile bleeding, and runny nose.
By Edward Shenkel
Technology in the yearbook room began to malfunction March 21st, delaying proofing of the Stars & Stripes. When yearbook staff members logged in, they discovered that A d o b e I n D e s i g n and Photoshop were
said, “I imagine it’ll be released mid-June, since the staff lost what should have been the last week of proofing.” Following that, the staff refused to comment, aside from one, who asked to remain anonymous and gave the following: “I suspect sabotage. Think about it: the week we should have finished proofing, disaster strikes seemingly at random. It can’t be a coincidence!” While that seems to be a compelling argument, no concrete evidence was offered.
By: Ashley Daniel and Caitlin Fleeman
Mr. Schmidt is in need of some patience to deal with the Newspaper Staff and their laziness. Do you want to help? Are you willing to work and criticize students for every little thing they do? Contact Mr. Schmidt at [email protected]. Dellinger is in need of more paper for her AP Macroeconomics class. Are you willing to cut down trees and process the wood for paper? Contact Greater Georgia Printers to help the AP students succeed.Mr. Torrey is in need of new vocal chords. He has been spending his time coaching the Lady Patriots
soccer team. If you are willing to lend your vocal chords to help the team, contact Torrey at [email protected]. (Must know how to scream “BACK UP DEFENSE” “KEEP IT IN” “OFFSIDES” and “SHOOT”)
Ms. Pierce is in need of a new tube of wrinkle cream because her 6th period class is stressing her out. If you have any in your bag, please send it to her room or put it in her mailbox in the office. Coach Waller is in needs for new car seats from the recycling leaking. Waller says that his seats “smell like Miranda Floyd.” If you would be willing to help Coach Waller find new interior goods for his car, contact him at
Machines Malfunction--Yearbook Delayed!
nowhere to be found on any of the computers. Similar issues plagued the team for the rest of the week, such as monitors flickering like strobe lights, computers powering on and off randomly, and files being corrupted.
When asked how long the malfunctions would delay the release of this year’s Stars & Stripes, supervisor Mr. Schmidt
Help [email protected]
Mr. Weis needs help selling his new hair product. Bosgaine is available for anyone in need of hair. Contact him at [email protected]
Mr. Jackson needs new green house plants because students unleashed killer ladybugs. Help him build up his inventory now. Contact him at [email protected] if you have any plants he can use.
Ms. Bland in need of new arms from kayaking too much. Any pair will do as long as they are strong. Contact Ms. Bland at [email protected] or drop them in her truck.
April Fool’s Riddles
Two coins make up exact-ly 30 cents ($ 0.30). One of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?1. A quarter and a nickel
David’s father has three sons: Snap, Crackle and ___? 2. David
