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MILES: We nowjoin Newsjack sport correspondent Susan, who is
live
at the home of Andy Gray as he prepares to kick off his
apology that was previously postponed due to a terrible lack
of
decency.Susan.
FX: CAMERAS CLICKING. NOISE FROM A SMALL CROWD.
SUSAN: (IMMITATING FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER) Thanks Miles. You
join me live at Andy Grays garden, better known as Women-
Cant Park, that is filled to its capacity with many people
eager
to see todays performance.
MILES: Susan, what are Andys chances of victory, today?
SUSAN: We all know Andy has come under pressure after
previous
performances, but today hes hoping to set the record
straight.
Hes struggling to come off the bench now and as he wobbles
towards us, were about to begin.
ANDY GRAY: Over the last week or so I have become a target for
some of
the rhetoric I have used and today I would like to apologise.
I
understand that some of the terminology I used was out
-dated.
Football has evolved over time and I have struggled to keep
up
(BEAT) much like West Ham this season. I have offended
people that make the game possible and I am deeply sorry. I
recently said; Can you believe that? A female linesman! That
was wrong. What I should have said was; Can you believe
that? A female assistant referee! But in the midst of seeing
a
woman on the pitch (BEAT) that wasnt streaking, my mind
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became flustered and I accidently said linesman, which has
now been defunct for over fifteen years. I am sorry. I never
meant to ruffle the feathers of any linesmen (BEAT) I mean;
assistant referees.
FX: CROWD BOOS.
SUSAN: What about the claims that you are sexist?
ANDY GRAY: Can you believe that? A female sports reporter!
SUSAN: A female sports correspondent. Will you apologise to
Sian
Massey?
ANDY GRAY: Only if you get your tits out. Phwoar!
MILES: Susan, what is happening now?
SUSAN: Well Miles, in a surprising turn of events, Andy Gray has
not
apologised for his sexist language and has now retreat ing
for
an early and hopefully cold shower, while singing; Get your
tits
out for the lads.
MILES: Can you sum up the action in a play by play?
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SUSAN: (IMMITATING FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER) He had the home-
side advantage, yet as he made his way to achieving an
apology he scored an own goal,which lead to a red card and
an
early dismissal. Playing the game like that, its only time
before
hes relegated to the lowest levels of local radio.
MILES: Thanks Susan. (PAUSE) Andy Gray there, proving that
his
levels of ignorance reach further to the back on the net than
we
ever expected.
END
