Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari

Anger Management

2 Anger Management

Anger

Management

Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari

3 Anger Management

ت

عدرض أ

ـو ت وٱل م ة عرضها ٱلس ك وجن ب ل مغفرة م ر وسارعوا اقني للمت

اس ـظمني ٱلغيظ وٱلعافني ع ٱلن أء وٱلك أء وٱلض ذني ينفقون ف ٱلسٱل

يب ٱلمحسنني وٱللBe quick in the race for forgiveness from your

Lord, and for a Garden whose width is that (of

the whole) of the heavens and of the earth,

prepared for the righteous.

Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity,

or in adversity; who restrain anger, and pardon

(all) men;- for Allah loves those who do good;

(Quran: Chapter 3:133&134)

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Preface A long time ago, I was working with a well known textile company of Pakistan. A coaching program was started there and I was asked to deliver a lecture on ―Anger Management‖ in a training session. I was surprised to get this topic as it was not related to my field, but still I accepted that. I am fond of reading books and I have read some books on psychology, I recalled them to my mind and drawn a layout, then visited some websites, read books and articles on said topic. Soon, I had enough material to prepare a lecture on ―Anger Management‖. I delivered the lecture. People liked it very much and appreciated me a lot. The feed-back of that lecture was more surprising for me. Many people contacted me and said that they had big positive change in their mood after that lecture. I, myself, found me more comfortable and easy to handle the things which were difficult to deal before preparation of this subject. A few weeks later, I was asked by the company to deliver that lecture again as it had very good impacts on the overall behaviour of the team. Thus, I spoke once again but with more preparation this time. People liked the lecture as usual, some of them contacted me

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and asked for a copy of lecture. Soon I felt that I will have to get a lot of prints of my work for them. I, therefore, decided to compile my work on Anger Management in book form. The book, you have before your eyes at this time, is that work. Syed Hammad Raza Bukhari, Faisalabad. Pakistan May 11, 2005

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ANGER

Anger ―Anger is a completely normal and healthy, human emotion which may be a momentary annoyance or as full-fledged temper.‖

According to the American Psychological Association, "Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion." However, when it gets out of control it can become destructive. Uncontrollable anger can lead to serious problems at work and in personal relationships, and may undermine the individual's overall quality of life.

Anger is a natural emotion

Anger is not just a mental state of mind. It

causes an increase in heartbeat rate, blood

pressure and levels of Adrenaline and

Noradrenaline1. Anger has lifesaving benefits

as it forms part of our ―fight or flight‖ brain

response to a perceived threat or harm.

1 A hormone that is produced naturally by the body

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The Mental Health Foundation, a UK charity, says that anger is one of the most basic human emotions. Experts say anger is a primary, natural emotion with functional survival value, which we all experience from time to time. The raised heart rate, blood pressure, and release of hormones prepare us physically for remedial action - which is either to fight or run away at top speed (fight or flight). When an animal or a human notice a threat and decides to take an action to prevent it, it is the ―anger‖ that usually takes over his behaviour, cognition2 and physiology. It is generally observed that humans as well as animals express their anger by making loud sounds, baring teeth, looking intently and making unusual postures as a warning to perceived aggressors to prevent their threatening behaviours. It is rare if a physical attack occurs without these symptoms of anger appearing first. In case of animals, it is observed that if a stranger approaches baby pets, their mother will most likely growl, bare

2 A process by which the sensory input is transformed,

reduced, elaborated, stored, recovered, and used

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her teeth and adopt a defensive or ready-to-attack posture, rather than attack silently. If you encroach into the farm of a farmer, his attitude may be the same; he will have hostile voice, aggressive gestures and unfriendly body language. Instinctively, anger may surge in humans as well as animals to protect territory, offspring and family members, secure mating privileges, prevent loss of possessions, and many other perceived threats. Anger Management

Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. From time to time we all experience this very powerful feeling. It is helpful to realize that anger can be our friend or enemy, depending on how we express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately is called the Anger Management. Anger Management can help us to reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. However, failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems e.g. problems at work,

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in our personal relationships and in the overall quality of life. It can make us feel as though we are at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. The Goal of Anger Management The goal of anger management is to reduce both our emotional feelings and the physiological stimulation that anger causes. We can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage us, nor can we change them, but we can learn to control our reactions. What Did A Psychologist See? Mitchell H. Messer is founder and director of the Anger Institute™ USA. He conducts Anger Management workshops across the country. He has served with the Suicide Prevention Service of the Mental Health and been a management consultant. He received his Master's Degree in Psychology from Roosevelt University and did advanced work at the Alfred Adler Institute of Chicago. He tells, ―At the Anger Institute, we have seen the damage that anger can do to relationships and individuals. We have also seen how this damage can be completely reversed when

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people are given the right tools to manage their anger appropriately‖. Mitchell means to say that if people learn to manage their anger, they can do it appropriately and can save them from big losses and damages to their relationship and lives which are done by anger. Before learning to manage the anger, we have to find out the causes of anger.

Causes of Anger There are many causes of anger. Some common reasons are as under: Failure Failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective or failure in any walk of life such as failure in examination, in achieving any target, in love etc. Disappointment Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappoint-

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ment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a source of psychological stress. The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis, as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.

Frustration In psychology, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfilment of individual will. The greater the obstruction, and the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be. Causes of frustration may be

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internal or external. In people, internal frustration may arise from challenges in fulfilling personal goals and desires, instinctual drives and needs, or dealing with perceived deficiencies, such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations. Conflict can also be an internal source of frustration; when one has competing goals that interfere with one another, it can create cognitive dissonance. External causes of frustration involve conditions outside an individual, such as a blocked road or a difficult task. While coping with frustration, some individuals may engage in passive–aggressive behaviour, making it difficult to identify the original cause(s) of their frustration, as the responses are indirect. A more direct, and common response, is a propensity towards aggression.

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Annoyance and Irritability Annoyance is an unpleasant mental state that is characterized by such effects as irritation and distraction from one's conscious thinking. It can lead to emotions such as frustration and anger. The property of being easily annoyed is called irritability. Hurting Distress and mental or emotional suffering is called hurting. Harassment Harassment covers a wide range of behaviours of an offensive nature. It is commonly understood as behaviour intended to disturb or upset, and it is characteristically repetitive. In the legal sense, it is intentional behaviour which is found threatening or disturbing. Sexual harassment refers to persistent and unwanted sexual advances, typically in the workplace, where the consequences of refusing are potentially very disadvantageous to the victim.

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Threats A threat is an act of coercion wherein an act is proposed to elicit a negative response. It is a communicated intent to inflict harm or loss on another person. It can be a crime in many jurisdictions. Revenge The action of hurting or harming someone in return for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands. Expressing Anger The natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural response to threats; it motivates powerful, often aggressive feelings and behaviours which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are:

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1. Expressing (Communicating) 2. Repressing (Holding back) 3. Calming (Being peaceful)

Expressing Expressing our angry feelings in an assertive (not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, we have to learn how to make clear what our needs are, and how to get them met without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of ourselves and others. Repressing Anger can be repressed or suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when we hold in our anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress our anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, our anger can turn inward—on ourselves and it may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.

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Calming Finally, we can calm down inside. This means not just controlling our outward behaviour, but also controlling our internal responses, taking steps to lower our heart rate, calm ourselves down, and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spiel Berger notes, "When none of these three techniques work, that's when someone or something is going to get hurt."

Understanding and Measuring Our Anger

Understanding and measuring the anger is a

big tool to manage it. We can do it by

determining:

1. How am I feeling right now?

The first step in resolving our anger problem is

to identify it as anger. The purpose of this step

is to make our anger more specific.

No one of us can manage the anger which is

indistinguishable.

Discriminations or classifications of our anger

may be as below:

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Anxious: Anxious, nervous, worried, restless, and uneasy feeling or showing worry, nervousness, or unease about some- thing with an uncertain outcome;

Worthless feeling to have no real value or use;

Hostile: Hostility and aggressiveness is seen as form of emotionally-charged angry behaviour. In everyday speech it is more commonly used as a synonym for anger and aggression.

Depressive: Depressed (mood) is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behaviour, feelings and sense of well-being. Depressed people can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, worried, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, hurt, or restless. They may lose interest in activities that once were pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt, or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, loss of energy, or aches, pains, or digestive problems may also be present. Depressed mood is not always a

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psychiatric disorder. It may also be a normal reaction to certain life events, a symptom of some medical conditions, or a side effect of some drugs or medical treatments. Depressed mood is also a primary or associated feature of certain psychiatric syndromes such as clinical depression

Shameful: disgraceful, deplorable, base,

despicable, contemptible, low, mean,

bad, vile, dishonourable, discreditable,

reprehensible, blameworthy, unworthy,

ignoble, shabby, inglorious, infamous,

unprincipled, shocking, scandalous,

outrageous, abominable, atrocious,

appalling, disgusting, odious, sordid,

monstrous, heinous, unspeakable,

loathsome, wicked, immoral, nefarious,

indefensible, inexcusable, unforgivable.

Revengeful

Bitter (harsh) Rebellious (disobedient) Paranoid (suspicious) Victimized (offended / mistreated ) Numb (insensitive)

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Frustrated (irritated) Destructive (unhelpful / negative)

2. What happened to make me angry?

If we can focus on the specific incident which

activates our anger, our anger becomes more

understandable and easier to manage.

3. Who am I angry at?

Anger is an emotional state that varies in intensity

from mild irritation to intense temper. It can be

caused by both external and internal events. You

could be angry at a specific person such as a co-

worker or supervisor or friend; or at an event like

traffic jam or a cancelled flight, or your anger could

be caused by worrying or brooding about your

personal problems. Memories of hurtful or

unfortunate events can also trigger angry feelings.

Anger usually will involve five general areas.

(1) Our anger at others

(2) Others anger at us

(3) Our anger at self

(4) Residual anger from the past

(5) Abstract (non-figurative / conceptual) anger

We, therefore, have to make it very clear to

who are we angry at?

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Partner Friend Co-workers

Subordinates Boss Spouse Kids Men

Women Society System Destiny Own self Life

We have established now the fact that we are

angry and that our anger has an "object" in the

real world and we are ready for the fourth step

in working through the anger process. We are

ready to factor our anger into its main

components. If we can identify the specific

facets of our anger, we will be in a better

position to put our anger into a more moderate

and more manageable perspective. We can do

this by asking ourselves a series of focusing

questions.

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4. What about this angers me the most?

For example, we have established the fact that

in the above situation it made us feel

powerless, unappreciated or good for nothing.

We are now ready to take a closer look at

these feelings underlying our anger. What is it

about being made to feel powerless that

angers us the most? Some examples of what

we might find upon deeper analysis are:

"There is nothing that I can do about it." "I feel so stupid!" "I feel guilty for allowing it to happen." "I feel inadequate to cope with this

situation."

This level of self-analysis usually brings us down to root. Down to the fundamental issue which be the cause of our weakness to mismanaging our anger and making our lives more miserable. The answer found at this level of self-analysis often turns out to be, "I feel so worthless and stupid". It is hard for us to respect someone who is stupid, helpless, inadequate and powerless! And when we have those feelings towards our self, they destroy our respect for our own

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selves. The final step in managing our anger consists of replacing this feeling with its specific solution which is, SELF RESPECT only. Why Are Some People Angrier Than Others? According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more hot-headed than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially and get physically ill. A number of things make these people this way. One cause may be genetic or physiological, as some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be socio cultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that

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family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are troublesome, disorganized, and not skilled at emotional communications.

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Keeping temper in check can be challenging

but using some simple anger management tips

is helpful to keep the anger at bay.

If you are ready to get your anger under control, start by considering these anger management tips.

Take a timeout Counting to 10 isn't just for kids. Before reacting to a tense situation, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10. Slowing down can help defuse your temper. If necessary, take a break from the person or situation until your frustration subsides a bit. Practice relaxation skills When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing, can help calm down angry feelings.

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Some steps you can try:

Breathe deeply. Sit if you are standing, lie if sitting. Take water Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase

such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

Use imagination; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other favourite physical activities. Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that can leave you feeling happier and more relaxed than you were before you worked out. Slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Similarly, If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—

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perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Once you're calm, express your anger As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them. Stick with 'I' statements To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You never do any housework."

Restructuring It means changing the way you think. 1) When you're angry, your thinking can get much embroidered and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more realistic and logical ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything

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is ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." 2) Be careful of using words, like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. It pushes away and disgraces the people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. 3) Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to make you feel better. It may actually make you feel worse. 4) Think that you are just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger, it'll help you get a more balanced viewpoint. Problem Solving Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. It is a healthy and natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that solution. This isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution,

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but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Better Communication In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Think before you speak, take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same. Angry people tend to jump to the conclusions (ends), and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Try to understand the meanings of the words being delivered to you, instead the words. And be careful about your words, instead of their meaning to you. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a terrible one.

Coping With Others

Ignore their anger

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Give them a choice Agree with them Develop understanding Share their problems

Using Humour "Humour" can help resolve anger. It can help you get a more balanced perspective (viewpoint). There are two cautions in using humour. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, disrespectful humour; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. Remember, lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse. Changing Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and anger. Problems and responsibilities can make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen

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into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have created some "personal time" for you, from times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working man who has a standing rule that when he comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to him unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, he feels better prepared to handle demands from his wife and kids without blowing up at them. Avoidance If your child's messy room makes you angry every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what make your blood boil. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep you calm.

Don't hold a grudge Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from

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the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.

Finding alternatives and Identify possible solutions If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project, learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything, and might only make it worse.

Know when to seek help Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

Learn what anger is

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Identify what triggers your anger Recognize signs that you're becoming

angry Learn to respond to frustration and

anger in a controlled, healthy way Explore underlying feelings, such as

sadness or depression

Anger management classes and counseling can be done individually, with your partner or other family members, or in a group. Request a referral from your doctor to a counsellor specializing in anger management, or ask family members, friends or other contacts for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also might offer recommendations.

Counselling With counselling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.