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! “THE CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! REINDEER” !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! A Christmas Play for Children! !
! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! By John Donald O’Shea
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Copyright 2013
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! John Donald O’Shea
! ! ! ! ! Special Thanks
! The delightful reindeer that enhance my cover page are used with the
generous express permission of ABKLDESIGNS.COM.
COPYRIGHT WARNING
! Copyright is a form of protection grounded in the U.S. Constitution and granted by law for original works of authorship fixed in a tangible medium of expression. Copyright covers both published and unpublished works. An author’s work is under copyright protection the moment it is created and fixed in a tangible form that it is perceptible either directly or with the aid of a machine or device. ! 17 U.S.C. § 102(a) provides: Copyright protection subsists, in accordance with this title, in original works of authorship fixed in any tangible medium of expression, now known or later developed, from which they can be perceived, reproduced, or otherwise communicated, either directly or with the aid of a machine or device.! 17 U.S.C. § 106) provides: Subject to sections 107 through 122, the owner of copyright under this title has the exclusive rights to do and to authorize any of the following: (1) to reproduce the copyrighted work in copies...; (2) to prepare derivative works based upon the copyrighted work; (3) to distribute copies...of the copyrighted work to the public by sale or other transfer of ownership, or by rental, lease, or lending....! Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or exhibition of copyrighted materials. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI. If you convicted of criminal copyright infringement you face a possible maximum penalty of up to five years in prison and up to a $250,000 monetary fine.
! SPECIAL NOTICE
! You are required to pay our royalties in full before your first performance. Youplaybills, programs, etc. should state the name of the play in no less than 36 point type,and the author’s name in 18 point type, and should state that “the work is being performed under special license from Play Scripts Place. com.” If you have any questions or wish to modify any portion of this play, you must have advance permission. You should contact us at [email protected]
“THE CHRISTMAS REINDEER”
! ! ! ! ! Synopsis! !
! Jack and Mary are nine year-old twins. Mary has written her e-mail letter to
Santa. Jack, being a boy, is a bit of a skeptic. But when Mary gets a return e-mail
advising that Santa’s Reindeer have disappeared, and that Santa’s Christmas Eve
sleigh ride may have to be cancelled, Mary and Jack look for a way to help.
! Santa, looking for assistance, has referred Mary to a “computer app,” and to try
to help Santa, they “click” it and embark upon their Christmas adventure to Santa Land.
! ! !
! !
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! ! “THE CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! REINDEER”! ! ! ! ! Production Note
! There are two versions of this piece. They are written to be played in two entirely
distinct venues.
!! Version #1 is written to be played on a stage. Because there are eight scenes in
the play, the author intends that the sets be simple, suggestive and minimal. Of course,
where the director has greater “resources” available to him, the sets can be expanded.
! Version #2 is written to be performed in a class room as a radio broadcast, as an
introduction to drama. “Mics” could be lined up across the front of the classroom, just
like they would be for an old-time radio broadcast. The “sound engineer” could them be
put in a corner to “spin the dials.” One chapter would be performed for day during the
period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. The idea is to acquaint young children
with drama. Upon payment of the publishers royalties and script charges, the author will
without charge make a PDF format version of the “radio show” format available to the
customer at [email protected]
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! “THE CHRISTMAS ! ! ! ! REINDEER”! ! ! ! Cast List
(8 males. 5 Females. 6 “Eithers”)
Mary (F) ! ! ! ! Jack’s twin nine year-old sisterJack (M)! ! ! ! Mary’s twin nine year-old brotherQueen (White) (F)! ! ! A Talking Chess piece in Santa LandBishop (White) (M)! ! ! A Talking Chess piece in Santa LandKnight (White) (M)! ! ! A Talking Chess piece in Santa LandPoo-lá-ris (E)!! ! ! A young polar bear in Santa LandSamuel (Samantha) (E)! ! A pirate in Santa LandFrederick (Freddy) (E)! ! ! Another pirate in Santa LandCaptain (M)! ! ! ! The Pirate King in Santa LandElrik (Elrika) (The Elf) (E)! ! Snowmobile “bus” driver in Santa LandTetchy ! (E)! ! ! ! Warnock’s majordomo in or near Santa LandWarnock (M)!! ! ! A Wizard in or near Santa LandKaffeklubben (F)! ! ! The Witch on nearby Kaffeklubben IslandRudolph (E)! ! ! ! Santa’s Red Nosed ReindeerDonder (F)! ! ! ! Another of Santa’s ReindeerBlitzen (F)! ! ! ! Another of Santa’s ReindeerGeorge (M)! ! ! ! The Wizard’s Familiar SpiritHarry! (M)! ! ! ! George’s Moat MonsterSanta! (M)! ! ! ! Santa Claus
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“THE CHRISTMAS REINDEER”
! ! ! ! ! ! By John Donald O’Shea
! !
! ! ! ! ! ! Copyright 2013! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! John Donald O’Shea
ACT I
SCENE I
(Jack and Mary are “doing their homework” in what appears to be a comfortable computer room in their home. It is a late afternoon in early December)
Mom. (Entering) Jack, Mary, have you got your homework done?
Mary. Yes, mom.
Mom. What are you doing?
Mary. I’m on the computer.
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Mom. Doing what?
Mary. Checking out santashop.com. It’s Santa’s personal site.
Mom. How about you, Jack?
Jack. I’m doing my homework. The only thing I’ve got left is science.
Mom. Well, get it done. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. (Mom exits)
Jack. Yes, ma’am. (To Mary) What are you doing on santasshop.com?
Mary. Checking to see if Santa answered my letter.
Jack. Oh, come on! You don’t really still believe in Santa, do you?
Mary. Of course. Don’t you?
Jack. Certainly not. That’s kids’ stuff.
Mary. Too bad. In that case you probably won’t get that iPad you’ve been bugging! Mom for.
Jack. Why do you say that?
Mary. Because I asked Santa to bring it for you?
Jack. Wait a minute! You actually asked Santa to bring me a present? Why? You don’t ! even like me!
Mary. Of course, I like you. You’re my twin brother. I have to like you. It’s required.
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! Some government rule, I think.
Jack. Wait? Twenty minutes ago you just said, “all boys are jerks!”
Mary. Look, there’s a rule that you have to like your twin brother -- even though he’s a ! boy - or a jerk!
Jack. I don’t consider myself a jerk!
Mary. I’m afraid that “jerk-iness,” as in the case of “beauty,” is in the eye of the ! beholder!” And that’s me!
Jack. Be careful, or I’ll write and tell him what you just said.
Mary. (Seeing the inconsistency) Idle threat! Why would you write Santa? You just said ! you don’t believe in him!
Jack. I like to hedge my bets.
Mary. And what exactly would you say?
Jack. The truth, of course. I’ll tell him that you said, “all boys are jerks.” That you called ! me a “jerk,” and that you said “you had to like me” only because of some stupid ! government rule.
Mary. It’s unpatriotic to call a government rule “stupid!” Besides, you’re a boy. He’ll ! never believe you.
Jack. I’ll tell him I stand willing to repeat it under oath. If there is a Santa, he’ll find out ! that you’ve been “naughty.” The only thing he’ll bring you for Christmas will be ! fruitcake!
3
Mary. You wouldn’t dare!
Jack. A stale, petrified fruitcake!
Mary. But I asked him to bring you an iPad. You’ll ruin Christmas for me, and you’ll! ruin it for yourself, too!
Jack. Huh?
Mary. You write that letter, and I’ll write him a follow-up letter telling him I forgot to ! mention all the really rotten things you’ve done this year - besides being a boy!
Jack. What “really rotten things?” Mary. How about the time you clobbered Sara McCarthy with a snowball? How you ! waited in ambush for a half-hour for her so you could “blind-side” her!
Jack. It could have been an accident. An accidental test fire. I was aiming at our oak! tree, and she just happened to tromp into my line of fire.
Mary. Laying in ambush suggests premeditation - malice aforethought. He’ll never ! believe you. And he really dislikes “kids who lie.” If you get anything, it will be a ! fossilized fruitcake!
Jack. Wait a minute. If you asked him to bring me an iPad, you had to tell him that I’ve ! been good all year. If you now tell him, I’ve “been rotten,” doesn’t that suggest ! you lied, too?
Mary. I didn’t tell him that you’ve been good. I said as boys go - “grading on a curve,” ! and all - you were “okay” - “more or less.”
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Jack. “Grading on a curve?”
Mary. I was trying to be “politically correct.” He was once a boy himself. I figured he’d! understand.
Jack. I don’t have a twin sister. I have a lawyer!
Mary. Bingo! And just remember, anything you say can be used against you.(The computer pings, indicating the presence of a new e-mail)
Mary. (Checking her e-mail) Ha! Santa, it seems, has just answered my e-mail!
Jack. You’re letter was an e-mail?
Mary. Of course, it’s better for the environment! The tree I saved might have been a ! Christmas tree!
(Mary clicks and opens the e-mail)
Mary. (Distraught) Jack, read this!
Jack. (Noting her discomfort) What’s wrong? Doesn’t Santa accept e-mails from! female attorneys?
Mary. (Almost frantic) Just read it!
Jack. No. I don’t want to be accused of invading your privacy by reading your e-mails.
Mary. Read it, or else!
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Jack. (Reading her e-mail) ! “Dear Mary, ! It is with great regret that I must inform you that I will most likely be unable to ! stop by your home this Christmas evening.”
! Ha! He’s found you out!
Mary. Read further, stupid!
Jack. (Continues reading)! “All my reindeer have disappeared. Unless, I can find them very soon, I will have ! to postpone my Christmas trip this year. Please accept my apologies. I know ! what a wonderful little girl you have been this year - even though occasionally ! browbeat your brother and the other boys. In addition, I also know what a fine ! boy Jack has been, not withstanding the fact that he, with clear premeditation, ! clobbered Sara with that snow ball when she was coming over to play with you at ! your house after school, and not withstanding the fact that he is a tad slow in ! getting his science homework done.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Santa”
! “P.S. If you have any information about the whereabouts of Dasher, Dancer, ! Prancer, Vixen, et al, please let me know immediately. I am offering a reward for ! their safe return.” If you can be of any help, please go to www.Santasapt.com”
Jack. Mary, we’ve got to figure out a way to help him.
Mary. I thought you didn’t believe in Santa? Have you changed your mind?
Jack. Einstein always kept an open mind.
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Mary. How can you compare yourself to Albert Einstein? He was a genius. You can’t ! even get your science homework done!
Jack. That’s because a certain female relative constantly interrupts me. Moreover,! I’m humble.
Mary. You’ve got a lot to be humble about. Are you sure you just don’t want the reward?
Jack. What do you take me for?
Mary. Do you really want me to tell you?
Jack. You better not! Santa seems to be remarkably well-informed.
Mom. (Offstage) Kid’s, dinner’s ready.
Mary. Let’s get dinner out of the way, and then we can get on it. (Both start to exit)
! (Lights go black to indicate a passage of time, and then come back up) (The kids re-enter their room. Mary enters followed by Jack)
Mary. Jack, when you get done with your science homework, we need to talk.! There must be something we can do to help Santa.
Jack. Just give me a couple minutes. While I finish up, you can check out that website ! Santa mentioned in his letter.
Mary. (Looks at letter, to find the name of the site, finds it and then types it into the! computer, We hear the sound of typing on a computer keyboard) ! Santasapp.com
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Jack. Okay, I’m done!
Mary. Jack, look at this.
Jack. Look at what?
Mary. This website.
Jack. Stay there. I’ll look over your shoulder. Hey! That’s a neat looking site.
Mary. Look here. “Northpole Transporter.”
Jack. Check it out! Put the mouse over it.
Mary. Nothing happened. Should I click it?
Jack. Yeah. Click it!
Mary. What if there’s a virus?
Jack. I don’t think we have to worry. Santa would never direct us to a virus.
Mary. I thought you didn’t believe in Santa.
Jack. I don’t. But, as I told you, I like to hedge my bets. If there is a Santa, I don’t want ! to do anything to upset him. It’s too close to Christmas.
Mom. (From the kitchen, offstage) Jack, is your homework done?
Jack. Just finished?
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Mom. What are you doing?
Mary. We’re on the computer.
Jack. Checking Santa’s web sites.
Mom. Would either of you like to help me with the dishes?
Jack. I think Mary would.
Mary. This is pretty important. Do you really need me?
Mom. Not if it’s really important.
Jack. It’s really important.
Mary. Okay, here goes. (She clicks the link. We hear a mouse/click))
Jack. (Reading over her shoulder) “Free trip to North Pole, for Children 10 and under ! who believe in Santa.”
Mary. Well, we’re both nine. That’s a start! Do you believe in Santa?
Jack. I’m not sure.
Mary. Wait. Look at this “definition.” (She reads) “Those who believe in Santa include ! boys 10 and under who aren’t quite sure, but are hedging their bets.” Hey! That’s ! you!
Jack. Wait a minute. There are height and weight restrictions. What do you weight?
9
Mary. (Outraged) You can’t ask a woman that question, stupid!
Jack. You’re not a woman! You’re a girl! It says girls have got to be under 48 inches tall, ! and under 60 pounds.
Mary. I’m 3 foot ten.... That’s 46 inches, and .....
Jack. What do you weigh?
Mary. (Outraged) That’s none of your business!, Let’s just say I’m “in!” What about you?
Jack. Boys have to be under 49 inches, and 61.6 pounds. Mom measured me ! yesterday. I was 48 inches and 60 lb..
Mary. Look at this. It says, “all children must have parental permission.”
Jack. Parental permission for what? Mom doesn’t care if we use the computer - just as! long as we avoid dangerous sites. Mom won’t care.
Mary. It says, “once you have parental permission, click on the ‘upload/transport’ ! button.”
Jack. “You will immediately be compressed, and delivered safely and securely to the ! North Pole.”
Mary. Look, there’s a warning.
Jack. “Caution! Atmospheric conditions have been known to skew the ‘download’ point ! of arrival.”
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Mary. “Accordingly, wear comfortable shoes, in case you have to walk a bit. Also,! since transport will be to the North Pole in winter time, dress appropriately.”
Jack. With all the global warming up there, our sweats and tennis shoes should be ! plenty good. Everyone knows that the whole North Pole is melting right out from ! under the polar bears!
Mary. Then, let’s go. Shall I hit the “upload/transport” button?
Jack. Click it!
Mary clicks it. We hear a mouse/click sound. Then psychedelic light(s). Then lights fade out.)
Mary. (A shrinking sound effect) Jack. What’s happening? I think I’m getting smaller!
Jack. You are getting smaller! I think we’re being compressed.
Mary. Jack, grab my hand. I’m being sucked into the computer monitor!
Jack. It’s not doing any good. It’s got both of us.
Mary. Shouldn’t we leave a note for mom?
Jack. We can’t. The suction’s too strong. (Lights Down)
(This is a shorter, alternative version of the same scene. I prefer the former version. Mary is at her computer in what appears to be a comfortable computer room in their home. It is a late afternoon in early December)
Jack. (Entering) What are you doing? (He pulls out his science book. He begins his
11
science homework and stays at it - more or less - perhaps less - throughout this scene)
Mary. Checking out santashop.com. It’s Santa’s personal site.
Jack. Are you serious? (To Mary) What are you doing on santasshop.com?
Mary. Checking to see if Santa answered my letter.
Jack. Oh, come on! You don’t really still believe in Santa, do you?
Mary. Of course. Don’t you?
Jack. Certainly not. That’s kids’ stuff.
Mary. Too bad. In that case you probably won’t get that iPad you’ve been bugging! Mom for.
Jack. Why do you say that?
Mary. Because I asked Santa to bring it for you?
Jack. Wait a minute! You actually asked Santa to bring me a present? Why? You don’t ! even like me!
Mary. Of course, I like you. You’re my twin brother. I have to like you. It’s required.! Some government rule, I think.
Jack. Wait? Twenty minutes ago you just said, “all boys are jerks!”
Mary. Look, there’s a rule that you have to like your twin brother -- even though he’s a ! boy - or a jerk!
12
Jack. I don’t consider myself a jerk!
Mary. I’m afraid that “jerk-iness,” as in the case of “beauty,” is in the eye of the ! beholder!” And that’s me!
Jack. Be careful, or I’ll write and tell him what you just said.
Mary. (Seeing the inconsistency) Idle threat! Why would you write Santa? You just said ! you don’t believe in him!
Jack. I like to hedge my bets.
Mary. And what exactly would you say?
Jack. The truth, of course. I’ll tell him that you said, “all boys are jerks.” That you called ! me a “jerk,” and that you said “you had to like me” “because of some stupid ! government rule.”
Mary. It’s unpatriotic to call a government rule “stupid!” Besides, you’re a boy. He’ll ! never believe you!
Jack. I’ll tell him I’m willing to repeat it under oath. If there is a Santa, he’ll find that ! you’ve been “naughty.” The only thing he’ll bring you for Christmas will be ! fruitcake.
Mary. You wouldn’t dare!
Jack. A stale, petrified fruitcake!
Mary. But I asked him to bring you an iPad. You’ll ruin Christmas for me, and you’ll
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! ruin it for yourself, too!
Jack. Huh?
Mary. You write that letter, and I’ll write him a follow-up letter telling him I forgot to ! mention all the really rotten things you’ve done this year - besides being a boy!
Jack. What “really rotten things?”
Mary. How about the time you clobbered Sara with a snowball? Deny that you waited in ! ambush for a half-hour for her so you could “blind-side” her!
Jack. How can you be sure it wasn’t an accident? Maybe I was aiming at our oak tree? ! Maybe she just happened to tromp into my line of fire? Did you ever think of that?
Mary. Laying in ambush suggests premeditation - malice aforethought. He’ll never ! believe you. And he really dislikes “kids who lie.” If you get anything, it will be a ! fossilized fruit cake!
Jack. Wait a minute. If you asked him to bring me an iPad, you had to tell him that I’ve ! been good all year. If you now tell him, I’ve “been rotten,” doesn’t that suggest ! you lied, too?
Mary. I didn’t tell him that you’ve been good. I said as boys go - “grading on a curve” - ! you were “okay” - “more or less.”
Jack. “Grading on a curve?” More or less?”
Mary. ” I was “hedging my bets!” He was once a boy himself. I figured he’d ! understand.” !I was trying to be “politically correct.”
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Jack. I don’t have a twin sister. I have a lawyer!
Mary. Bingo! And just remember, that anything you say can be used against you!
(The computer pings, indicating the presence of a new e-mail)
Mary. (Checking her e-mail) Ha! Santa, it seems, has just answered my e-mail!
Jack. You’re letter was an e-mail?
Mary. Of course, it’s better for the environment! The tree I saved might have been a ! Christmas tree!
(Mary clicks and opens the e-mail)
Mary. (Distraught) Jack, read this!
Jack. (Noting her discomfort) What’s wrong? Doesn’t Santa accept e-mails from! female attorneys?
Mary. (Almost frantic) Just read it!
Jack. No. I don’t want to be accused of invading your privacy by reading your e-mails.
Mary. Read it, or else!
Jack. (Reading her e-mail) ! “Dear Mary, ! It is with great regret that I must inform you that I will most likely be unable to ! stop by your home this Christmas evening.”
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! Ha! He’s found you out!
Mary. Read further, stupid!
Jack. (Continues reading)! “All my reindeer have disappeared. Unless, I can find them very soon, I will have ! to postpone my Christmas trip this year. Please accept my apologies. I know ! what a wonderful little girl you been this year - even though occasionally you ! browbeat your brother and the other boys. In addition, I also know what a fine ! boy Jack has been, not withstanding the fact that he, with clear premeditation, ! clobbered Sara with that snow ball when she was coming over to play with you at ! your house after school, and not withstanding the fact that he is a tad slow in ! getting his science homework done.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Santa”
! “P.S. If you have any information about the whereabouts of Dasher, Dancer, ! Prancer, Vixen, et al, please let me know immediately. I am offering a reward for ! their safe return. If you can be of any help, please go to www.Santasapt.com”
Jack. Mary, we’ve got to figure out a way to help him.
Mary. I thought you didn’t believe in Santa? Have you changed your mind?
Jack. Einstein always kept an open mind.
Mary. You compare yourself to Albert Einstein? He was a genius. You can’t even !get ! your science homework done!
Jack. That’s because a certain female relative constantly interrupts me. Moreover,! I’m humble.
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Mary. You’ve got a lot to be humble about. Are you sure you just don’t want the reward?
Jack. What do you take me for?
Mary. Do you really want me to tell you?
Jack. You better not! Santa seems to be remarkably well-informed.
Mary. Jack, when you get done with your science homework, we need to talk.! There must be something we can do to help Santa.
Jack. Just give me a couple minutes. While I finish up, you can check out that website ! Santa mentioned in his letter.
Mary. (Looks at letter, to find the name of the site, finds it and then types it into the! computer, We hear the sound of typing on a computer keyboard) ! Santasapp.com
Jack. Okay, I’m done!
Mary. Jack, look at this.
Jack. Look at what?
Mary. This website.
Jack. Stay there. I’ll look over your shoulder. Hey that’s a neat looking site!
Mary. Look here. “Northpole Transporter.”
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Jack. Check it out! Put the mouse over it.
Mary. Nothing happened. Should I click it?
Jack. Yeah. Click it!
Mary. What if there’s a virus?
Jack. I don’t think we have to worry. Santa would never direct us to a virus.
Mary. I thought you didn’t believe in Santa.
Jack. I don’t. But, as I told you, I like to hedge my bets. If there is a Santa, I don’t want ! to do anything to upset him. It’s too close to Christmas.
Mary. Good thinking!
Jack. (Reading over her shoulder) “Free trip to North Pole, for Children 10 and under ! who believe in Santa.”
Mary. Well, we’re both nine. That’s a start! Do you believe in Santa?
Jack. I’m not sure.
Mary. Wait. Here’s a “definition.” (She reads) “Those who believe in Santa include boys ! 10 and under who aren’t quite sure, but are hedging their bets.” Hey! That’s you!
Jack. Wait a minute. There are height and weight restrictions. What do you weight?
Mary. (Outraged) You can’t ask a woman that question!
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Jack. Your not a woman! It says girls have got to be under 48 inches tall, and under 60 ! pounds.
Mary. I’m 3 foot ten.... That’s 46 inches, and .....
Jack. What do you weigh?
Mary. That’s none of your business!, Let’s just say I’m “in!” What about you?
Jack. Boys have to be under 49 inches, and 61.6 pounds. Mom measured me ! yesterday. I was 48 inches and 60 lb..
Mary. Look at this. It says, “all children must have parental permission.”
Jack. Parental permission for what? Mom doesn’t care if we use the computer - just as! long as we avoid dangerous sites. Mom won’t care.
Mary. It says, “once you have parental permission, click on the ‘upload/transport’ ! button.”
Jack. “You will immediately be compressed, and delivered safely and securely to the ! North Pole.”
Mary. Look, there’s a warning.
Jack. “Caution! Atmospheric conditions have been known to skew the ‘download’ point ! of arrival.”
Mary. “Accordingly, wear comfortable shoes, in case you have to walk a bit. Also,! since transport will be to the North Pole in winter time, dress appropriately.”
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Jack. With all the global warming up there, our sweats and tennis shoes should be ! plenty good. Everyone knows that the whole North Pole is melting right out from ! under the polar bears!
Mary. Then, lets go. Shall I hit the “upload/transport” button?
Jack. Click it!
Mary clicks it. We hear a mouse/click sound. Then psychedelic light(s). Then lights fade out.)
Mary. (A shrinking sound effect) Jack. What happening? I think I’m getting smaller!
Jack. You are getting smaller! I think we’re being compressed.
Mary. Jack, grab my hand. I’m being sucked into the computer monitor!
Jack. It’s not doing any good. It’s got both of us.
Mary. Shouldn’t we leave a note for mom?
Jack. We can’t. The suction’s too strong.
(A big sucking suction sound, as the kids are pulled into the computer. Both scream a bit)
SCENE 2(In the Domain of the White Queen. The floor of the room is a Chess board. Two thrones sit off to the side. As the lights come up, the Queen, the white bishop and a knight are on the board)
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Queen. (The Queen is the White Queen. She is a Chess piece) My Lord Bishop, have ! you checked the royal e-mail?
Bishop. No, your Majesty.
Queen. Kindly do so. What is the point of having you as my royal secretary, if all you ! are going to do all day is traipse diagonally back and forth across the floor of my ! throne room. And why, don’t you ever use the black squares?
Bishop. Your Majesty forgets that I am the “white” bishop.
Queen. “White” bishop, “black” bishop! Whatever! Go check my email, or I will have my ! “black” bishop take your place.
Bishop. Your majesty forgets, that no “black” bishop can never take my place.
Knight (Sir Cumference) . But I can, your Majesty. I would be honored to serve as your ! royal secretary. As a knight, I do not suffer from the infirmity of being able to ! move only diagonally. And I do not see every thing as either black or white.
Bishop. You, Sir Cumference ? Her Majesty is well aware of your knightly proclivity of ! going first one way, and then another. A royal secretary must move directly, ! and attack each assignment head on. You will notice how I move directly to her ! Majesty’s iMac in one swift move. With you, it would have taken forever.
Knight. Perhaps her Majesty would be better served by someone who can see all sides ! of the problem, rather than someone who recklessly zooms thither and yon.
Queen. Enough! I have a splitting headache. I have enough trouble with the Black! Queen and her court. I don’t need more from you.
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Bishop. (Looking at computer monitor) Your Majesty. Safari says you have a download! waiting.
Queen. A download from whom?
Bishop. From. <santasapp.com>.
Queen. That should be safe. Download it, my lord Bishop!
Bishop. Very well, Majesty. (We hear a mouse/click)
Jack and Mary. (Making a sound, like two kids coming down a really high slide)! Whoooooa!
Bishop. Well, by my episcopal robes! What have we here?
Jack. Where are we?
Queen. We know where you are. The question is, who are you?
Mary. We’re Jack and Mary O’Connor.
Knight. What are you doing here?
Jack. Before we can answer that, we need to know where “here” is.
Bishop. You are in the throne room of Melissa II, Queen of North Chessland.
Queen. You exaggerate, my lord Bishop. I am the White Queen of North Chessland.! There is also a Black Queen. A disgusting person. Quite unfit to wear the crown.
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Knight. We spend all day making plans to capture the Black Queen’s husband, the ! Black King.
Bishop. The Black Queen and her men spend all their time plotting to capture our King.
Mary. Why?
Knight. Those are the rules. We’re chessman. That’s what chessmen do!
Mary. But you look like ordinary like chess pieces. How can you be talking?
Queen. We are ordinary chess pieces, but North Chessland is a township of, and in, ! Santa Land, where everybody talks.
Bishop. Including the lead soldiers, and rolly-pollies.
Knight. Even the bears and reindeer!
Jack. We’ve come to help Santa find Rudolph and his other missing reindeer. I hope ! you’re not planning to capture us!
Bishop. We would have no interest in capturing you - unless, of course, you are black ! chessmen in disguise.
Jack. I assure you, we’re not.
Queen. In that case, you are free to go. Get out!
Mary. Could you at least give us directions?
Bishop. I would suggest that you begin by moving diagonally across the white squares,
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! and straight out that door.
Knight. Of course, if you wish to proceed more deliberately, you could take one step ! straight forward, and a second step diagonally. You will have to take a few more ! steps, but you’ll see more of North Chessland that way.
Jack. Where do we go, once we reach the door?
Queen. We have no idea. We have never used the door. That would take us off our! chessboard, and out of North Chessland.
Bishop. And once we’ve been removed from the chessboard, we can no longer ! participate in the game. Rather like being “in Limbo,” I suppose.
Knight. Worse! It’s rather like being dead.
Queen. We have to stay alive, if we’re going to capture the Black King.
Bishop. I regret to say, that you have wasted enough of her Majesty’s precious time. ! Please leave. Nice to have met you. Get out!
Mary. Well, I must say you’re not being very friendly.
Knight. We’re white chess pieces. It’s not our function to be friendly. We exist only to ! capture the Black King.
Queen. And furthermore, since Santa brings no gifts either to white or black chess ! pieces, we have no interest in Rudolph or any other of the reindeers. Please be ! sure to close the door as you leave. And don’t come back.
Mary. Come on, Jack. It doesn’t look like we’re wanted around here.
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Jack. That’s for sure. Let’s get out of here. (We hear the door open)
Mary. But Jack, we don’t know what’s out there. It’s night-time. It could be freezing.
Jack. It’s a chance we have to take. How else are we going to find Santa’s reindeer? ! Furthermore, it’s abundantly clear that we’re not wanted here. (We hear the door ! open. We hear a blast of the Arctic Night, and Jack speak in a shivering voice) ! Come on, Mary! (They Exit)
(LIGHTS DOWN)
SCENE 3
(The lights rise only slightly. It is night time in the Arctic. The stage is all white [fabric], and there are a couple white drifts of snow)! ! ! !
Mary. Jack, it’s freezing out here! It’s really freezing!
Jack. This sure doesn’t feel like global warming to me! It’s a good thing the stars are ! out, or it would be pitch black up here!
Mary. What are we going to do? We won’t last five minutes out here.
(We here a creeky door open)
Jack. We apparently are not wearing “appropriate clothes.”
Poo-lá-ris. (Poo-lá-ris’ voice suggest that he is a young bear cub) Then I suggest you ! come in here.
Jack. Who said that?
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Poo-lá-ris. (From the door way of Poo-lá-ris’ igloo) I did.
Mary. Who are you?
Poo-lá-ris. I’m Poo-lá-ris, And who are you?
Jack. I’m Jack.
Mary. I’m his twin sister, Mary.
Poo-lá-ris. I’m sure I’m very pleased to meet both of you. At least, I think I’m sure.
Jack. But you’re a polar bear!
Poo-lá-ris. Of course. This is the North Pole. What other sort of bear would you expect ! to find at the Pole? (A pause) In case you haven’t noticed, there’s an icicle ! forming on your nose.
Mary. (After looking) He’s right, Jack.
Poo-lá-ris. (To Mary) And there’s one on each of your ears! So I suggest you scurry in here.
Jack. It’s an igloo.
Poo-lá-ris. It used to be; now it’s a den. I bought it from an Eskimo.
(We hear them moving in the snow)
Jack. Boy, it’s a lot warmer in here.
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Mary. Isn’t it kind of dark? I can’t see a thing.
Poo-lá-ris. Give me a second. Let me get the light.
Jack. I didn’t know igloos came with lights.
Poo-lá-ris. Generally, they don’t. But this is Santa Land.
Jack. But I thought it was North Chessland.
Poo-lá-ris. North Chessland is just a neighborhood here in Santa Land. If we weren’t! in Santa Land, I wouldn’t be able to talk, and I would probably be checking you ! out to see if either of you were ringed seals.
Jack. Ringed seals?
Poo-lá-ris. Dinner. My favorite meal.
Jack. (Nervously) We’re not ringed seals!
Poo-lá-ris. I can see that. So, what are the two of you doing here?
Mary. We got a letter from Santa, saying that his reindeer have disappeared, and that ! unless they were found, he would have to postpone coming on Christmas eve.
Poo-lá-ris. Oh, that’s the “hot” topic up here - if anything can be “hot” up here. ! Everyone’s talking about it. Well, almost everybody. The chessmen, of course, ! would have no interest.
Jack. We came up to see if we could help find them. But it’s so cold, it looks
27
! like we’re going to be trapped in this igloo until spring.
Poo-lá-ris. That’s no problem. Wait a minute. (After a short pause) Here, each of you ! take one of these.
Jack. What are they?
Poo-lá-ris. They’re molecular body warmers. They work really well. You just put them in ! your pocket, and they’ll keep you warm as toast. Santa and the elves use them ! all the time. You can set them to keep your body at just the temperature you ! want. They’ll keep the air immediately around you at anywhere from 55 to 72 ! degrees.
Mary. I think I’ll set mine at 68.
Jack. That may be too warm with sweat gear. I’ll set mine at 60.
Poo-lá-ris. You can turn them down if you get too warm. They work just like electric ! blankets.
Mary. Will they keep us warm outside?
Poo-lá-ris. Of course. That’s what they’re for! Incidentally, have the two of you had any ! experience in locating missing reindeer?
Mary. No.
Jack. Just a missing cat, once. I was rather hoping you might make a suggestion! where we should start.
Poo-lá-ris. We’ll if I were a detective, I think I’d look first in the Pirates’ Lair. Pirates
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! have a very bad habit of taking things that don’t belong to them.
Mary. Pirates? There are pirates up here in the arctic?
Poo-lá-ris. Of course, there are. The famous Pirates of Penzance. They came up here! when things got too tame for them in England.
Jack. But I thought that they reformed.
Poo-lá-ris. They did - as long as Victoria was Queen. But when she passed away, ! they relapsed, and returned to their dastardly old ways.
Mary. Are they dangerous?
Poo-lá-ris. I don’t know. We all give them a wide berth. We’ve all been afraid to find out.
Mary. Why would pirates steal Santa’s reindeer?
Jack. ‘Cause that’s what pirates do. They steal all sorts of things. And kidnap people, ! too, and hold them for ransom.
Mary. But reindeer aren’t people.
Jack. With Christmas just around the corner, maybe they figured they could get a lot of ! money from Santa to get his reindeer back.
Poo-lá-ris. Or, a lot of presents - even if they haven’t been good pirates this year!
Jack. Are reindeer edible? Maybe they were hungry.
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Poo-lá-ris. I don’t think anyone would be mean enough to eat Santa’s reindeer, but I still ! think that’s where we should start.
Jack. Well, I guess if you’re not afraid, neither am I. Let’s go
Mary. Jack, are you sure this is a good idea? I’ve heard pirates make people walk the! plank. My female intuition tells me that this is a bad idea.
Poo-lá-ris. Good or not. It’s the only way to find out!
Jack. Okay, Let’s go.
Poo-lá-ris. Wait! Are you kids hungry?
Mary. Not yet. We had and early dinner. Speaking of dinner, is there any chance that ! these pirates are cannibals?
Poo-lá-ris. I don’t think so. I’ve never heard anybody say they were. Well, I am hungry. ! So, I’m going to grab some peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies. Hand me that ! plastic bag over there, please.
Jack. But isn’t that stealing?
Poo-lá-ris. Of course not. This is my den. Are you sure you’re not hungry?
Jack. No; we just ate.
Poo-lá-ris. Nevertheless, grab some peanut-butter chocolate-chip cookies just in case ! you get hungry later. (They all do. After a slight pause) Okay, let’s go.
Mary. Jack, Are you sure it’s safe to go looking for pirates?
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Jack. Probably not. But there’s only one way to find out.
! ! ! ! ! SCENE 4
(There is a door center stage, and a nearby sign. On one side of the door issnow [fabric]; on the other is the pirates’ lair. In the corner of the lair is an electric fireplace, with glowing embers)
Mary. Look! That signs says, “Avast, Matey! Keep Out! Thet means ye!” I don’t know ! about this.
Poo-lá-ris. I don’t think the sign applies to us.
Jack. Why not?
Poo-lá-ris. The word, “matey” means “little mate.” The word “mate” has it’s origin in late ! Middle English: from the middle low German word māt(e). The words mate and ! meat are related to each other. One would share meat with his mate. With his ! comrade.
Mary. Are you saying because we don’t share meat with the pirates -- because we don’t ! eat with them -- we’re not their mates, and that the sign has no application to us?
Poo-lá-ris. Precisely. Isn’t that obvious?
Mary. Not to me! .... Are you sure?
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Poo-lá-ris. Certainly I’m sure. If you have any doubts whatever you can check the ! dictionary. Actually, I’m a bit hurt to think you distrust me. If you’d rather not go ! on....
Jack. No. No! We have to go on. We’ve got to find Santa’s reindeer before Christmas ! eve.
Mary. And I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.
Poo-lá-ris. In that case, why doesn’t one of you open the door?
Mary. Why one of us?
Poo-lá-ris. In case I’m wrong, of course. There is always the possibility that these ! pirates are not as proficient in English usage as I am, and that they may have ! misused the word. What if they all dropped out of school?
Jack. I’m not afraid. I’ll do it.
Mary. It’s rather dark in here.
Poo-lá-ris. The only light is from the embers in the fireplace, and they’re almost out.
Mary. Do you suppose there’s a light switch, somewhere?
Jack. If there is, it should be by a door.
Poo-lá-ris. Isn’t that another door over there, next to the fireplace?
Jack. I think so, but it’s hard to tell in this dark.
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Poo-lá-ris. I’ll check. (He trips in the dark) Ohhh! (We hear him fall on the floor)
Samuel (Samantha) the Pirate. Ahoy, there! Avast ye lubber. Avast!
Frederick (Freddie) the Pirate. What ho, Lieutenant? Be ye having another of yer ! infernal nightmares, again? Be it something ye ate again?
Sam. Aargh! ‘Twer nothing I et, Fred. Some scurvy dog of a baboon strode atop me ! head?
Fred. By Davy Jones' locker, ‘tweren’t me, Lieutenant. I be nestled here in me bed roll, ! cozy as an Atlantic cod a-baking in lemon sauce in the ship’s oven.
Sam. Well, by the Powers! It were somebody.
Captain. Aargh! What’s all the commotion in here, ye squiffy bunch of bilious bilge ! rats?
Fred. Captain, Surr! Sam here, that is, the Lieutenant here, avers that some lily-livered ! lout tromped on his crown!
Sam. Aye. What Fred here says be true, Captain!
Captain. (In the dark) By the dog! Who here stepped on the the Lieutenant’s noggin. (A ! pause) Own up, I say. Or when I finds ye out, I’ll keel haul the scurvy jack.
Fred. Me thinks, Captain, should ye not beat to general quarters, and prepare to repeal ! borders? Afore we be scuttled!
Captain. Aye! Get the lights, me hearties! (Sound as lights are brought up)
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Sam. Look, Captain!
Captain. ‘sBlood! Who be ye? What be they doing here?
Fred. ‘struth! We be boarded, Captain!
Poo-lá-ris. It’s the Pirates of Penzance!
Captain. Right ye are, Matey. Them we be!
Jack. They don’t look like pirates. They look like a bunch of decrepit, old senior citizens ! in worn-out flannel pajamas!
Captain. Zounds! Decrepit senior citizens, says ye! Aargh!
Sam. Blimey! Me thinks we be insulted, Captain.
Captain. Aye, Lieutenant. (We hear swords coming from their sheathes) Prepare to ! repel borders, me lads! Chop, ‘em to pieces!
Mary. Wait, please. We’re unarmed!
Sam. ‘sfoot, Captain. ‘tis a mere wee winsome wench.
Captain. Stand and deliver, or we’ll run ye all through!
Jack. We give up!
Poo-lá-ris. Goodness me! I should have stayed in my den!
Captain. Who be ye?
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Jack. I’m Jack, and this is my twin sister, Mary. And this is our friend, Poo-lá-ris.
Mary. He’s a polar bear.
Sam. Would ye have us load ‘em with chains, Captain, Sir?
Fred. Or would ye have us prepare the plank?
Poo-lá-ris. (to Jack and Mary) Wait! I’ve heard these pirates never molest orphans -! all being orphans themselves. (To pirates) Would it do any good for us to say ! that we’re “orphans?”
Sam. Orphans?
Fred. Not again!
Sam. Ods bodkins! How be it that every ship we be about to scuttle be manned entirely ! by orphans?
Fred. And nothing but orphans!
Poo-lá-ris. Wait! Before we claim to be orphans, would it do us any good?
Captain. By Long John Silver’s Peg Leg, it would! Being orphans ourselves, we !never ! molest orphans.
Fred. We have a soft spot, thar (pointing to his heart), in our otherwise ruthless hearts ! for orphans.
Sam. Then, by Flint’s spyglass, be ye all then claiming to be orphans?
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Mary. No. Mother says we should never tell a lie. I have a lovely mother and father.
Sam. (To Jack) And what about you, me hearty?
Captain. (To Sam) Why, you blithering bilge rat, they be twins!
Sam. I don’t follow ye, Captain?
Captain. If they be twins, and if the lass has a mother and father, the lad can’t be! an orphan, neither, ye scurvy biscuit eating dog.
Sam. (Still not adding two and two) But what if his father and mother be deceased?
Fred. Sam, lad. Twins have the same father and mother. If she be not an orphans, ! neither be he.
Sam. I still don’t get it!
Fred. I think it be hopeless, Captain.
Captain. By Long John’s parrot’s beak, So do I!
Fred. Then if they ain’t being orphans, what be we doing with ‘em, Captain?
Captain. ‘sBlood. It’s been so long since we’ve had prisoners, I be unable to recall the ! proper protocols. I needs a moment to rack me brain! (A short pause) Aye, ! maybe even to consult me book on how to be a proper pirate king!
Sam. Aye, Captain. The proper protocol will, no doubt, be succinctly stated in Captain ! Blood’s Pithy Guide to Pillage and Predation for Profit and Pleasure.
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Captain. Aye. Fetch, me me tome, Samuel.
Sam. Aye, Captain.
Captain. In the meantime, by Captain Hook’s hook, it they try to escape, I’ll shiver their ! timbers and mizzen their masts.
Fred and Sam. Aye. Aaargh! (Sam exits)
(Lights dim momentarily and they come back up to same level)
Sam. (Returning) I found your [“bible”] [book], Captain: Captain Blood’s Concise Guide ! to Pillage and Predation, for Profit and Pleasure!
Captain. Read to me, Sam, lad. What do the good book thar charge us to do with ! captives?
Fred. I seems to recall it stipulating either keelhauling, or the cat o’ nine tales.
Sam. Sorry to be disobeying your orders, Captain. But I ain’t never larned to read.
Captain. Fred, lad, then you be reading to your old captain.
Fred. Blimey, Captain, sir, but I ain’t never been learned to read, neither. Could ye not ! be reading yerself, sir?
Captain. Aye, I could indeed, (pause. He is lying) if the print weren’t so small.
Sam. Would ye like to try me spectacles, Captain?
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Captain. And let the sprogs that pass for me crew see their Captain wearing ! spectacles? They’d take me for a lily-livered lubber. Who ever heared of a pirate ! king wearing bifocals?
Sam. Ahoy, Captain. Old Samuel, here, has got an idea!
Captain. Out with it, Matey!
Sam. Might not one of the prisoners be able to read it for us?
Captain. By Neptune’s locker! A capital idea, my good Lieutenant! (To the captives) ! Might any of ye be of assistance to us in reading from this good book? Can any ! of ye read?
Poo-lá-ris. Not only can I read. I am uncommonly proficient in diction and usage. I’m ! absolutely certain that I might be of assistance.
Jack. Poo-lá-ris, are you sure this is a good idea? Remember what happened last time.
Mary. When you read the sign that said, “Avast, Matey! Keep Out!
Poo-lá-ris. Surely you don’t blame me for the atrocious usage that passes! for the King’s English among this gaggle of benighted buccaneers!
Captain. (Interrupting) Can any of ye, read or not. We haven’t all day.
Mary. You haven’t all day for what?
Captain. To deal with lubbers three who have officiously boarded our ship and disrupted ! our midnight slumbers.
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Fred. Should we give them the “black spot,” Captain, sir?
Poo-lá-ris. What do you need read from this book, sir?
Captain. Captain Blood’s protocol for dealing with contemptible captives, ye scurvy ! dog.
Poo-lá-ris. I dislike being called a “dog,” Sir. After all, I am a bear!
Sam. You’ll be sweet meat for sharks, if you don’t get on with it!
Poo-lá-ris. (Reading aloud) Ah, here we are!. Captives..... There are a number of !! sub-topics dealing with various kinds of captives .... Let’s see... Archbishops .... bishops... Dukes.... Haughty ladies,... Lovely Ladies in Distress ,,, Lords ... Rich Widows .... Wealthy Men .... Wealthy Women .... (He pauses) I see nothing about 9 year-oldtwins and juvenile polar bears.
Fred. Then I say, “over the sides with them.” Make ‘em walk the plank!
Captain. What good would that do? Were presently not aboard the “Jolly Roger!”! They’d just be jumping off into a snow drift.
Sam. I votes to hold them for ransom?
Mary. We don’t have any money!
Sam. Is yer father a Duke or Lord, or Wealthy Wine Merchant, or something?
Jack. Nope. He’s just a sports-writer for the local newspaper?
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Captain. What’s a “sports-writer?”
Mary. He writes about the Chicago Cubs.
Captain. And who be they be?
Mary. They’re a baseball team, in the National League.
Fred. I’ve heared of ‘em, Captain. They be in the National League, all right, but from ! what I heared there not be what any sane individual would call a “baseball ! team.”
Sam. Could he pay a ransom?
Fred. If he be writing about the Cubs, it’s dubious.?
Captain. So what do ye have that ye might buy your freedom with?
Jack. We don’t have a thing. We came here to help Santa hunt for his missing! reindeer.
Mary. We came here because we heard you were pirates, and we thought you might! have stolen them.
Captain. You! Polar Bear person, thar. Is there anything in me pirate book about polar ! bear ransom?
Poo-lá-ris. (A slight pause) No, Sir.
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Captain. (To Sam and Fred) Have either of ye heard anything about any the lads ! swashbucklin’ any reindeer, of late?
Fred and Sam. Nay, Captain.
Captain. (To twins and Poo-lá-ris) It appears then, that ye boarded the wrong ! man-o-war. So unless, ye can be paying your way out, it appears we will have to ! keep you here to swab our decks and bail our bilge.
Jack. Do you like peanut butter chocolate chip cookies?
Fred. Aaargh! They be our favorites!
Sam. Fiddlers’ Green! If they be not the very reason we adhere to this “sweet trade.”
Mary. If we could get you some, would you let us go?
Sam. Blimey! Sounds like a fair bargain, Captain.
Captain. Aye. Indeed a fair trade it would be.
Mary. How about two cookies a piece?
Captain. Shiver me timbers and by the black spot, ye struck yerselves a bargain. Make ! over the loot, and ye be free as John Silver’s parrot.
Jack. Poo-lá-ris, give them the cookies.
Poo-lá-ris. With pleasure! Anything to get out of here. (Giving the cookies to the pirates)
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Captain. (Eating, with cookies in his mouth) By all of Blackbeard’s treasure! These ! doubloons be softer and sweeter than pieces o’eight! On yer way with ye, afore I ! changes me mind!
Jack. Let’s get out of here. (We hear the door open)
Captain. Avast Mateys. If its marooned or missing reindeer ye be seeking, I suggests ye ! be checking with Warnock, the polar Wizard. He has a crystal ball. Perchance, ! he can point ye in the right direction!
Jack. Thanks, Captain. We will. (We hear the door slam shut)(Lights down)
SCENE 5
(The lights rise only slightly. It is night time in the Arctic. The stage is all white [fabric], and there are a couple white drifts of snow)
Jack. Well, we sure didn’t find the reindeer there!
Mary. Now that we’re out of the pirates lair, where do you think we should look next?
Poo-lá-ris. I think we should do what the pirate Captain suggested, and check with ! Warnock, the Wizard.
Mary. Is he a nice wizard?
Jack. Yes, we wouldn’t want to hop from the frying pan into the fire.
Poo-lá-ris. I’ve never met him, but how bad can he be if he lives here in Santa Land? ! After all, he’s almost Santa’s next-door neighbor.
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Mary. He could be as bad as those nasty old pirates. They were Santa’s neighbor’s, too!
Poo-lá-ris. Yes, but they were pirates. Pirates are supposed to be bad. All things ! considered, they seem like pretty good bad pirates, ... as bad pirates go.
Mary. But there are good wizards and bad wizards. What if he’s a good wizard as bad! as good wizards go. Or even a bad wizard as good as bad wizards go? Or ! maybe a bad wizard as bad wizards go?
Jack. Well, we’ve got to start some where. But before we look him up, I think we need! some insurance. Do you have anymore peanut butter chocolate chip cookies?
Poo-lá-ris. I think about a dozen.
Jack. Let’s stop by your place and get them.
Mary. What if wizards don’t eat peanut butter and chocolate chips?
Jack. I’m not sure I could put any faith in a wizard who doesn’t like peanut butter- ! chocolate chip cookies. That would indicate a weakness of intellect, and suggest ! that he doesn’t understand the importance of eating from two basic food ! groups ...
Mary. ... chocolate and peanut butter!
Poo-lá-ris. Agreed.
Mary. Okay. It’s two against one. But don’t say I didn’t warn you!
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(A very brief musical interlude and lights go back down for a moment and then immediately back up, suggesting a brief passage of time)
Poo-lá-ris. Okay, I’ve got them. Let’s go!
Jack. Where can we find Warnock?
Poo-lá-ris. Why, at Wizard’s Eyrie, of course.
Mary. Where is Wizard’s Eyrie?
Poo-lá-ris. (Pointing out across the audience) Why on the edge of that cliff over there, of ! course.
Mary. But that cliff over there, is way up there! How do you propose that we get all the ! way up to the verge of that cliff?
Poo-lá-ris. Well, if you had a reindeer, as least one of Santa’s reindeer, it could fly you ! up!
Mary. But we don’t have one of Santa’s reindeer! Santa’s reindeer are missing! That’s ! the whole reason we came here in the first place. To help Santa find them!
Poo-lá-ris. Then maybe we should hitch-hike?
Mary. Mother wouldn’t like that. She says, “its dangerous for children to hitch rides.”
Poo-lá-ris. Then I guess we’ll just have to wait for the bus.
Jack. Do they have busses in Santa Land?
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Poo-lá-ris. Not exactly. But there’s a snowmobile that operates like a bus. Elrik, the elf, ! runs it. He always comes, but one never knows quite when.
Mary. What’s that, out there?
Poo-lá-ris. (Looking) I think that’s Elrik. I think he’s coming! (The noise of Elrik’s ! snowmobile grows louder as it draws nearer) Yes, that’s him. I’ll flag him down.
(An odd-shaped snowmobile stops and idles)
Elrick. “Where to, Polar Bear?
Poo-lá-ris. We want to go to Wizard’s Eyrie.
Elrik. That will cost you three cookies. One for each of you.
Mary. He apparently likes cookies, too?
Poo-lá-ris. Up here, they are the “coin of the realm.” Legal tender.
Jack. Don’t you use money?
Poo-lá-ris and Elrik. You can’t eat money.
Mary. But you could use money to buy cookies.
Elrik. That merely adds an unnecessary middle step. If you were paid in money and if ! you would use that money buy cookies with the money, why not just eliminate the ! money and pay in cookies? It’s simpler and quicker.
Poo-lá-ris. But is that a fair fare? That seems like a lot.
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Elrik. If it seems too much, you can always walk. It’s a nice day for a walk. And there’s ! only a foot or so of snow on the ground. You should be able to make it in 7 or 8 ! hours.
Mary. “7 or 8 hours?”
Elrik. Come on, make up your minds. I haven’t got all day. What’s it going to be?
Jack. I think we better pay his price.
Elrik. That’s clear thinking, young man. Clear thinking. Now make up your minds, or I’ll! raise my price to four cookies. I’ve got a monopoly, you know.
Mary. Pay him, Poo-lá-ris. We’ll still have nine left.
Poo-lá-ris. Okay, here are your cookies.
Elrik. All right. Hop aboard, and off we go. (They head off stage, as we hear the motor ! accelerate)
(Lights Down)
SCENE 6
(Lights come up to half-light, indicating it is near dawn. The stage is white. The Wizard’s front door can be seen)
Elrik. Well, here you are. Safe and sound? Would you consider tipping your driver?! 15%? That would be roughly one more cookie! (They exit the snowmobile)
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Poo-lá-ris. Certainly not. A bargain is a bargain. And we only have nine cookies left.
Jack. Thanks, Elrik. We really appreciate it. I wonder if Santa has ever considered using ! snowmobiles to deliver his Christmas presents?
Elrik. I proposed that three years ago, but Santa pointed out that he has to be able to ! get up on roofs before he can get down chimneys, and that his reindeer can take ! him where I could never go. Well, enjoy yourselves. (We hear the snowmobile ! pulling away)
Mary. Well, let’s climb up the wizard’s steps and see if he’s home. Watch out. There’s! a lot of ice.
Poo-lá-ris. And snow. I’m sure glad we didn’t walk. The snow up here must be a lot ! more than a foot deep.
Mary. Somebody help me up the stairs.
Jack. Here, take my hand and I’ll pull you up. Uhhhh. (The sound he makes as he pulls ! Mary up the stairs) Poo-lá-ris, why don’t you ring the bell.
Poo-lá-ris. Right. (He does, and we hear fancy chimes. After a short pause, the door ! opens. The trio sees a man)
Mary. We’re sorry to bother you, but are you the Wizard?
Tetchy. Do I look liked the Wizard? I’m Terwilliger Tetchy, troll extraordinary, chief of ! staff to the great Warnock, his majordomo and his butler. What do you want with ! the Wizard? The Wizard’s busy. Very busy. Go away.
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Mary. But we need the Wizard’s help, Mr. Tetchy. It’s very important.
Tetchy. Tetchy. Call me, Tetchy. No honorific titles, please. Plain, simple, Tetchy.
Mary. All right, Tetchy, but we still need the Wizard’s help.
Tetchy. Everybody needs the Wizard’s help! Everybody has problems. If I let everybody ! who comes to this door see the Wizard, the Wizard would never get anything ! done.
Jack. But this isn’t for ourselves. We’re trying to help Santa find his missing reindeer, ! and we thought maybe the Wizard could help.
Tetchy. Why doesn’t Santa find his own reindeer. Warnock the Wizard has no time for ! such frivolity. He’s a wizard; not a cowboy. Did you know that he invented the ! molecular body warmer? (A pause) But then, of course, you did. If you weren’t ! using one at this very moment you’d be frozen solid.
Warnock. Tetchy. Why are you standing there with the door open? Oops! I forgot.! (to the twins and Poo-lá-ris) He was born in a barn!
Tetchy. This riff-raff, your Excellency, wanted to see you. I was doing my best to get rid ! of them.
Warnock. For heaven sake’s invite them in. I can’t afford to heat the North Pole.
Tetchy. (To the kids and Poo-lá-ris) All right. The Wizard says the three of you can come !in. Get the snow off your shoes. Don’t track up my floors.
Warnock. Well! A young polar bear, and two children who look enough alike that I would
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! venture to say they might be twins. I am Warnock, wizard extraordinary. Welcome ! to my abode, or perhaps I should say, to my eyrie. And who are you?
Poo-lá-ris. I am Poo-lá-ris, the polar bear.
Warnock. Yes, I can see that. And I can smell it. Has anyone ever told you that you ! have bad breath? Fish, if I’m not mistaken.
Poo-lá-ris. No, Sir.
Warnock. Well, then, kindly allow me to be the first. Here!
Poo-lá-ris. What is it? And what is this?
Warnock. Why it’s a tooth brush, and tooth paste. Crest. Very tasty.
Mary. Are those more of your inventions?
Warnock. No. But I wish they were. (To Tetchy) Tetchy, show the beast to the powder ! room, and instruct him on the proper usage. (To the kids) And now, who are you?
Mary. I’m Mary, and this is my brother ...
Jack. Jack. And you’re right, Sir; we are twins.
Warnock. Ah! I thought so. So, why are you two here at the North Pole in Santa Land?
Mary. When Santa answered my Christmas letter, he said.... Wait! I have it right here.! “All my reindeer have disappeared. Unless, I can find them very soon, I will have ! to postpone my Christmas trip this year.”
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Jack. But there was more.
Mary. “P. S. If you have any information about the whereabouts of Dasher, Dancer, ! Prancer, Vixen and the rest, please let me know immediately. I am offering a ! reward for their safe return.” If you can be of any help, go to www.Santasapt.com
Jack. Then when we went to www.Santasapt.com, we found a “Free trip to Santa ! Land” button. Since we wanted to help Santa find his missing reindeer, we ! clicked it, and here we are.
Warnock. Yes, the “Free trip to Santa Land” button is another of my inventions. I’m ! delighted to here that it working. I hope you had a nice trip.
Mary. Nice and fast - even though we ended up in Chessland.
Warnock. Chessland? My, my!. Probably the aurora borealis playing havoc with the ! GPS again.
Jack. But after a few adventures, we got here.
Warnock. Ah, good, good, good. Glad to hear it. All’s well that ends well, I always say.
Mary. We’ve come to you, because the Pirates of Penzance said that you had a crystal ! ball, and that you might help us.
Warnock. The Pirates of Penzance? However, did you escape their clutches? Oh, wait, ! wait! wait! Let me work it out. You ransomed yourselves with peanut butter ! chocolate chip cookies!
Jack. That’s exactly what happened.
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Warnock. Let me see. How many cookies did you give them. Oh, why do I even ! bother to ask? I’m a wizard. I should quickly be able to figure that out for myself. ! Let me see. (He hums a bit) Yes. Yes. Six. Yes, that’s it. Six. Am I right?
Mary. Yes. That’s right.
Warnock. Of course, I’m right. I’m always right. (Slight pause) Except when I’m wrong, ! of course. I blush to disclose that I was once wrong on May 4, 1987. Did you ! know that? Of course, you didn’t know that. You weren’t even born.
Jack. Boy, I’m impressed. You’re really smart.
Warnock. Of course, I am. You have to be to be a wizard.
Tetchy. (Reentering) Why didn’t you tell me that you had peanut butter chocolate chip ! cookies. You could have avoided all that unpleasantness, If I had known that, I’d ! have let you right in. Yes, indeed, right in!
Warnock. So, you’re hunting reindeer. How can I be of assistance.
Mary. Tetchy tells us that you invented the molecular body warmer that Poo-lá-ris gave ! us. I don’t suppose that you’ve also invented a global reindeer locater?
Warnock. No. There has never been a need for one. The reindeer usually jostle to ! stand in line to work for Santa. You say his nine reindeer are missing? That’s ! unusual. Indeed, that’s highly unusual. Quite unheard of, in fact!
Jack. Isn’t there anything you can do to help us?
Warnock. Well, I suppose I could consult my crystal ball. Generally, it’s even better ! than GPS. Follow me into my laboratory. And be careful not to disturb anything.
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! I’ve got important experiments going on all over the place. Hither and yon, as ! they say.
! (Lights down to denote brief passage of time and place. Then lights up)! ! ! ! !
Warnock. (Proudly) This is my lab. I’m rather proud of it. What do you think?
Jack. This is really neat! If our science lab at school looked like this, I think I’d study to ! become a scientist!
Warnock. Remember, I told you to be careful. Bumping things can be dangerous.
Poo-lá-ris. (Spotting) Look, a small swimming pool!
Warnock. My dear ursa minor, that is not a swimming pool. That is the abode of my“Familiar Spirit,” George. He assists me in my experiments. He’s touchy, like my man, Tetchy, He does not like to be disturbed. Indeed, he can become rather unpleasant. No, worse than that: rude!
George, The Familiar Spirit. (Much annoyed) I heard that!
Warnock. That green and yellow creature luxuriating in that tepid tub, that you see ! before your eyes, is George, my “familiar spirit.”
George. I am never “rude.” Simply “territorial.” I like my space.
Jack. We can take a hint.
George. Good. Go away! And don’t ever come back.
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Mary. (To George) Mr. George. We’re not here to see you. But I do like your green and ! yellow scales. (To Warnock) So, Mr. Wizard, Sir, where is your crystal ball?
George. Thank you, It is nice to be appreciated. Now, get out!
Warnock. Over here. Under the dust cover. I’ll just remove it. Ah, there we go!
Mary. How does it work?
Warnock. It wouldn’t work for you at all. In the hands of a the trained practitioner, like ! myself, it’s a simple matter of scrying into the crystal. Generally, I can see things ! physically in the crystal.
Jack. What sort of things? How does it work?
Warnock. The scientific texts tell us that the visions may come from the tiny web-like ! faults, or from the cloudy glow that one sees within the ball under low light, such ! as candlelight.
Mary. Skip the technical explanations you two, and get going. Christmas is almost here.
Warnock. Yes, yes. You’re quire right. You’ll excuse me. I have to utter the requisite ! incantation: “Frimmin’, frammin, jimmin’ jammin’, very slippery slime. Let me see ! Rudolph et al. in very real time!”
Poo-lá-ris. Rudolph et al?
Warnock. Et al? It’s a very useful legal abbreviation, meaning “and the others,” I picked ! up somewhere. Did you know my father wanted me to be a lawyer? Why of ! course, you didn’t. Let’s see here. Ah, yes. Something is coming into focus.
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Jack. What is it? What do you see?
Warnock. I’m not sure. It’s very misty. No! It’s worse than misty; it’s bloody foggy! Wait! ! I think I can see a red light.
Mary. Do you think it’s Rudolph?
Warnock. Possibly. We don’t see many tail-lights here in the Arctic. Of course, I ! could ! be seeing the port running light on a ship out there on the Arctic Ocean.
Jack. If you’re looking for reindeer, and you’re seeing a ship, why don’t you switch the channel?
Warnock. There are no channels.
Mary. Did you forget to wear your glasses? My Aunt Phoebe says things look foggy to! her without her glasses. But I think she’s got cataracts.
Warnock. I don’t wear glasses. Not since George, over there, did Lasik on me. Hold on!! I see a black shadow cutting through the fog. Now I get it. Now I understand. Yes! ! Yes! That’s it!
Poo-lá-ris. What’s it?
Warnock. It’s Maladonna
Mary. Who’s Maladonna?
Poo-lá-ris. Why, she’s the witch who lives on Kaffeklubben Island. (pronounced ! “Ca-fe´-cloob-ben.” )
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Mary. Kaffeklubben Island?
Poo-lá-ris. It’s is a tiny island lying off the northern tip of Greenland. It is the northern-most point of land on this planet. Maladonna has her castle there.
Mary. A witch? Are you sure?
Warnock. Of course, I’m sure. I just saw her whiz by on her broom.
Tetchy. They say she’s very powerful.
Mary. Is she a good witch or a bad?
Tetchy. From all reports I’ve heard about her, I would have to say that she’s bad. Very ! bad, indeed.
Warnock. The worst! The absolute worst! And she hates Santa.
Jack. Why do you say that?
Tetchy. She recently sent e-mails to everybody here in Santa Land saying, “Down with ! Santa! Down with the fat old tyrant!”
Warnock. And another, saying, “Phooey on Christmas! Humbug!”
Mary. But why would she do that?
Tetchy. We’re not sure. She just does.
Warnock. It’s as if she’s holds a grudge against Santa. Wait! My crystal ball is
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! glowing red.
Tetchy. That means there a message coming through.
Warnock. Quiet, everybody.
Maladonna, The Witch. Well, Warnock, you old busy-body to what do I owe the ! pleasure of being the focus of your puny and pathetic crystal ball?
Warnock. Santa’s reindeer are missing.
Maladonna. Well, well, well! Isn’t that a shame. What a terrible pity?
Warnock. Yes, it is.
Jack. We were rather wondering if you could help us find them.
Maladonna. Why, of course I could. After all, I am a very able witch - with powers! far beyond those of your pathetic wizard friend.
Mary. Do you have any idea where they might be?
Maladonna. I know exactly where they might be. So, if you want them, (her tone! grows menacing) come and get them!
Jack. Where would we have to come?
Maladonna. To my island, of course, you pip-squeak.
Tetchy. I wouldn’t trust her. Anyone who hates Santa has got to be all bad!
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Maladonna. Pay no attention to that crabby old troll. If the two of you, and your polar! bear friend come, I will personally guaranty you all safe conduct.
Warnock. Can the word of a witch be trusted?
Maladonna. Don’t be so melodramatic. Of course, my word can be trusted. I rely upon it ! all the time. What do you say? Shall I send my broom for you?
Poo-lá-ris. I don’t think we should trust her?
Mary. Neither do I,
Jack. What choice do we have? We’re getting no where on our own. I vote we ! chance it.
Mary. Okay, after all, why would she want to hurt us?
Poo-lá-ris. Did you ever hear of Snow White?
Maladonna. Oh, don’t be such a scardy-bear. Come visit me at my Ginger Bread ! palace and I’ll give you all ginger bread cookies. Shall I send my broom to ! transport you? It seats three quite comfortably.
Jack. Okay, Maladonna. Send your broom.
Maladonna. It will be there in a minute; actually 17 seconds, to be precise!
(There is a slight pause, and then from out side, we hear a jet-like swosh-sound, approaching, landing and idling.)
Jack. That must be the witch’s broom. Let’s go, you two!
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Mary. Are you sure we can trust her. Mom always said to never go with strangers.
Jack. Everybody up here is a stranger. We have to trust someone. (We hear the! Wizard’s door open)
Poo-lá-ris. I don’t know about this.
Jack. Hop aboard, you two.
Warnock. Wait. Take this.
Mary. What is it?
Warnock. It’s my new combination GPS receiver and avalanche transceiver, that I’ve ! created. Don’t let the witch see it. That way, if this is trap or a double cross, I ! might be able to help you. If I hear nothing from you in 24 hours, I’ll get to work.
Jack. No. Make that 6 hours. We’ll ask her to let us appear in your crystal ball,! like she did. If she’s on the level, she will. If we’re not there, you’ll know ! something’s wrong.
Poo-lá-ris. Good plan. And with the transceiver, you be able to locate us if she throws ! us in a dungeon.
Warnock. Excellent.
Jack. Okay, everyone. Hop aboard! (We hear the broom accelerate and depart)
(Lights Down) ! ! !
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! ! ! ! ! SCENE 7
(We hear the sound of the broom decelerating, and coming to a stop. Lights back up)
Poo-lá-ris. Look. A Ginger Bread Palace! We must be here!
Jack. It looks like Ginger Bread. I wonder if it’s edible?
Mary. Jack. Don’t! Don’t you remember the story of Hansel and Gretel?
Jack. You’re afraid the witch has gotten us here to fatten us up and eat us?
Mary. I don’t know. But I think it best that we keep our guards up.
(We hear the door of the place creaking open)
Maladonna. (Cackling) Well, well, well! My, my, my! What have we here? Two very ! pretty little children, and a darling pudgy little polar bear. Come in, my pretties! ! Come in. I have hot chocolate ready for you.
Mary. (In a whisper to Jack) What if it’s drugged?
Jack. She’s never met us. Why would she want to hurt us?
Mary. Because that’s what bad witches do. They hurt little children.
Jack. (In a whisper) Okay. We’ll take a sip. If it has a medicinal taste, don’t drink it.
Poo-lá-ris. Hot chocolate! That’s my favorite!
Maladonna. Did you have a nice trip, my pretties? I’m delighted to meet you. I don’t
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! often have visitors, living as I do here on the northernmost island in the world.
Mary. And were delighted to meet you. And we’re hoping you can help us find Santa’s! missing reindeer.
Maladonna. You may rest assured, my dear, that I will do everything in my power to ! help you, and bring you all together.
Jack. Thank you, but how do you plan to do that?
Maladonna. It won’t be that hard. After all, I am a singularly puissant.
Mary. Puissant?
Maladonna. Powerful. When you study Shakespeare, you’ll become familiar with the ! word. I’m very fond of it. It has a very nice ring. “Puissant.”
Poo-lá-ris. Were you, perhaps, an English teacher in some former life?
Maladonna. How’d you know? Indeed, I was. Before I received my “DOA” degree.
Poo-lá-ris. I‘ve never heard of an “DOA” degree.
Jack. Doesn’t “DOA” stand for “dead on arrival?”
Maladonna. (With a forced laugh) That’s very good young man. Very funny. (Her mood ! abruptly changes) No, it’s not. I’m afraid, young master, that the letters stand for ! “Doctor of the Occult Arts.” It’s a very prestigious degree. What did you say your ! name was young man?
Jack. I didn’t. My name is Jack. This is my sister, Mary, and our friend Poo-lá-ris.
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Maladonna. I’m delighted to meet all of you. My name is Maladonna. I am the! owner, President, Empress, and head witch on this beautiful little island.
Poo-lá-ris. If you are President, and Empress, that implies that you have subjects.! How many subjects to you have?
Maladonna. The three of you will have the honor of being my first. Or maybe I should ! say, my last.
Mary. But we don’t want to be your subjects. We came hear to find Santa’s reindeer.! We can’t do it if were stuck here on this island.
Maladonna. Ah, but you can do both, my dearie.
Jack. I don’t understand?
Maladonna. It’s very simple, my prettie. Santa’s reindeer, you see, are here!! Indeed, I will introduce you to them directly you finish your hot chocolate.
Jack. What are they doing here?
Maladonna. Why, I kidnapped them, of course.
Mary. Why would you do a terrible thing like that?
Maladonna. Revenge, my dear. Sweet, sweet revenge.
Poo-lá-ris. What did the reindeer do to you to make them objects of your revenge?
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Maladonna. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They are simply - shall we say -- “bargaining ! chips” in a petty little war that I have going with that right “jolly old elf” who rules ! Santa Land!
Jack. You’re at war with Santa?
Maladonna. Oh, that’s very good. Very perceptive. You’re really quite clever. That’s it, ! precisely. I’m at war with Santa.
Mary. But why? Everyone loves Santa.
Maladonna. Not “everyone,” my dear. Not quite everyone.
Poo-lá-ris. But why.
Maladonna. (Angry) Because that disgusting old troll doesn’t bring me Christmas ! presents!
! ! ! ! END OF FREE PREVIEW
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