Assertiveness SkillsBy Yanky Fachler, author of

Fire in the Belly - An exploration of the entrepreneurial spiritand

The Selling Conversation

We don't encode properly because: We assume that if we said it, the receiver will understand it. We forget that our message has to be decoded We use the wrong delivery mechanism Our body language doesn't match our verbal message

We don't decode properly because: We don't listen properly We misunderstand the sender's meaning We make wrong assumptions about the sender's meaning We misinterpret the sender's body language

Every time the sender wants to send a message to the receiver, he/she must choose the appropriate delivery mechanism (direct conversation, email, phone call, etc.)

Most misunderstandings lie in the gap between what the sender encoded, and what the receiver decoded.

There is a responsibility as an encoder in smartly and clearly framing the communication.

There is a responsibility as a decoder not to make too many assumptions. Before you start a communication you need to decide what you want from it and

how to get the outcome you desire. Don't just blurt out words.

The sender's responsibilities:

Receiver deciphers: decodes

Sender embeds meaning: encodes

Message

Remember that while you always know what you mean, you might not say what you mean or mean what you say.

When you embed the meaning into your message make sure you articulate your message with maximum clarity and impact

Avoid any ambiguity that opens the door to time wasting misunderstanding. Every time you communicate, you are faced with a choice of delivery

mechanisms for your message. Make sure you choose the most effective method. Find a way of checking that your message got through and was understood. Address the receiver's WIIFM (What's In It For Me?) - get to the point quickly. Use shorter words, shorter sentences, shorter messages without compromising

clarity. Avoid wordiness, padding and repetition. Don't overwhelm with knowledge – distinguish between 'need to know' and 'nice

to know' If you're sending an angry message, sleep on it before you send it. Align your body language with your verbal message. If there is a clash between

verbal and non-verbal messages, people will believe the non-verbal.

The receiver's responsibilities When you are on the receiving end of someone else's communication, listen

attentively. Use your decoding skills to decipher the sender's meaning, nuances and

intentions. Don't assume you understand. If in doubt, double check.

The sender must always check whether the receiver has received the message, by asking for feedback

Body language can conflict with the message you give.

Body language is the cues and clues of the message and it includes: Tone Posture Demeanor Eye contact Gaze Spatial distance

If there is a clash between what you say and how you say it, we always believe what we see.

The body language speaks more louder than what we verbally say. If I see something different from what I hear, I discount what I hear. You can say everything right but your body language cancels everything you say. 93% of what you say does not come out your mouth. How we say things matters even more than what we say. “Hello.” “What’s wrong?” Tone of voice. If the tone is not right the alarm goes off.

Your message will be dismissed because of your tone. Are we making sure that our communication will get the response that we want. Eye contact: lighthouse effect: that is moving your eyes to meet all people around

you in the meeting. Hands, clothes, feet, face, eye contact are on display all the time. People judge based on body language: hair style, clothes, posture, smile, hands,

feet, sounds (not words). There is no such thing as not communicating. You cannot not communicate You are sending messages all the time. Most decisions (and opinions) about you are made before you even talk. Blink moment: in two seconds you build your judgment about a person. Your body is speaking volumes. Since you are doing it anyway why not actually do it. Why not have control over

it. The two obvious examples are: smiling and eye contact. believe me, you all look nicer with a smile. You control the way you come across. This has to do with what you wear, your

hairstyle, and how you talk. We exercise far more choices in life. Communication is multi-layered. It is up to you to create a picture of yourself. You do control the process of communication. Assertiveness is a choice, not in the genes. If you expect people to respect you, you have to respect them. De-personalize the situation. Don't talk to people as John, but as a researcher, a

journalist, a department manager, etc. A perpetually angry person is a problem. He/she is an awful drain of resources. A

lot of energy is wasted with such a person. You should not let anybody make you less assertive. Assertiveness is not about popularity, but about clarity. Assertive people do not fight fire with fire, but they are reasonable in their verbal

and non-verbal messages. Size and height are not criteria for assertiveness. Temporarily aggressive or temporarily passive attitude is not the real problem. How you handle the situation is even more important than the outcome. Match your body language and your tone of voice with your verbal message.

Body Talk Your bodytalk expresses what your attitudes and thoughts really are. It is not just what you say, it's how you say it. When your body language is in sync with your verbal message, your message is

reinforced. When there is a conflict between verbal and non-verbal messages, people believe

the non-verbal message

Positive Body Language:open and affirming

Negative Body Language:closed, shaky and resistant

Direct eye contact Shifty eyes – refusal to make eye contact

Warm, open smile (teeth revealed) Tight or no smile

Leaning forward Leaning away

Upright but relaxed posture Too-stiff posture

Firm handshake Weak handshake

Chin up Chin into chest

Uncrossed legs Legs cross or outstretched

Feet firmly planted Yawning

Eyebrow flash upon greeting Dropping glances

Nodding up and down Blank stare, absent-minded gaze

Open, inclusive gestures (palms showing) Arms folded to protect heart or stomach

Smile often Frowning, shaking head, pursed lips

Fully facing others Not fully facing, at an angle

Laugh appropriately Hands in pockets

Shoulders back Hunched or sagging shoulders

Looking comfortable Grim-faced, stony expression

Generous facial expression and hand gestures

Limited facial expression and hand gestures

Faster speech Fidgeting, glancing at exit, hand wringing, looking at floor

Scratching head, touching nose

Jangling keys or coins in your pockets

Personality TypesThere are three personality types: aggressive, passive/submissive and passive/aggressive people

Aggressive People (Bulldozers) Frequently get into arguments Frequently get angry and act impatiently Frequently think that others need to be put in their place Bully and intimidate Enjoy complaining about poor quality or services Expect everyone to accommodate their needs Hold strong and strident views on many subjects

Blame others Rarely notice or acknowledge the needs or feelings of others Use judgments or emotions to sway someone to their point of view Are manipulative. They think they are absolutely right.

How to deal with angry people An angry person is like a wind-up toy that needs to wind all the way down. Your job is to calm angry people down, not fire them up. Respect the other person's right to be angry – even if you don't see what the fuss is

all about. Be conciliatory: be willing to make concessions. Don't argue Don't counter-attack Don't defend Don't justify You don't need to be right. You need to be smart. Don't take it personally. Take on board criticism in an adult and assertive way. Don't react like a reprimanded child. Don't allow anyone to drain you of your energy and confidence.

Phrases to avoid when confronting an angry person

Helpful phrases when confronting an angry person

You are … You never … You always … You should … You don't … You make me feel … You make me think … You make me do … You are wrong. Why can't you … Why don't you …

I feel … I believe … I want … I'd prefer … I'd like … I need … My concern is … As I see it … I can / I'm able to see … I understand … I'm sorry … I didn't realize ...

Passive/submissive People (doormats) Overly emotional Are reluctant to express or acknowledge their own opinions and feelings. Are wishy-washy and beat about the bush. Allow others to take advantage of them. Refrain from complaining when services or products are not up to standard. Find it difficult to refuse the requests of others for time or resources.

Are too eager to make compromises in the interests of harmony and conflict avoidance.

Are unwilling to inconvenience others. Sublimate their own needs and pay too much attention to pleasing others. Don't stand up for themselves or their rights. Bottle up their feelings. Feel inadequate and guilty for not having coped properly. Allow themselves to become a doormat in the guise of niceness. Slip into negative self-talk: “I'm not good enough,” “I'm not smart enough.” Believe that no one wants to hear their opinions. Are over-compliant, over conciliatory and self-efacing Can't say no. Feel inferior or insecure Give in easily.

Passive/aggressive People Believe they are nice people and believe that they are easy to please. Believe that they are eager to help. Seem willing to take on more than their fair share of the workload. Are professional martyrs. Are hungry for approval. Need to look good. Need to appear never to put themselves first

In reality, passive aggressive people are also good at: Manipulating others emotionally and indulging in emotional backmail. Sigh and roll their eyes. Give back-handed compliments. Sulk. Say one thing but mean the opposite. Act passively, while aggressively getting their own way by not doing what is

wanted. Schedule an appointment but don't show up. Creatively get out of doing their fare share.

Assertive People Clearly, confidently and respectfully communicate their needs, wants and feelings

to colleagues, clients and others. Know what they want. Ask clearly for what they want. Take responsibility for their feelings and thoughts. Articulate exactly what they want and what they believe. Take their power in their own hands. Express their own thoughts and feelings, honestly and openly, without rancour. Communicate and work well with people at all levels. Give and take compliments and fair criticism. Accept views that appear more reasonable than their own.

Can disagree with someone without losing their friendship or respect. Acknowledge and appreciate the desires, needs and views of others. Can give in without feeling weak. Can express a need or concern without causing embarrassment to either party. Separate the personal and the professional. Can say no without feeling guilty. believe that their opinions are worthwhile. Offer their opinions with authority but not with arrogance. Assume that others will listen to them. Express emotions without becoming emotional. Ask for feedback to make sure that they are being understood. Suggest a constructive way forward when problems arise. Stand up for themselves when they feel they are being put down. Do not feel threatened or undermined. They do not feel under attack. Do not feel cowed or put upon. Taking the ego out of the situation is the first step towards real communication.

Your Rights as an Assertive Person: You have the right to: Ask for what you want (while acknowledging that the other person has the right to

say no) Hold and express opinions, feelings and emotions. Stand up for what you want. State your needs and justify your views. Make your own decisions. Understand something that has just been explained to you, ask for clarification,

and ask again if it is not clear. Use these open questions:◦ What exactly do you mean?◦ Can you explain this more to me?◦ Can you give me an example?◦ Can you give another example?◦ What is the evidence for what you said?◦ Did you look for alternative solutions?

Make mistakes. Say no. Privacy. Be selfish. Choose whether or not to get involved in someone else's problems Be ignorant about particular topics. Change your mind. Give honest feedback and constructive criticism. Become more assertive.

Digressions A person starting his own business is a recovering employee Poor parents. We can't blame them for everything.