Attack of the Fangirls

By Nimrod Kamer & Heydon Prowse

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a

woman scorned," William Congreve

"Loving 1D is a choice just like being gay. (it isnt one)," Fan's tweet

"Fans share a universal language that cuts across many cultures and

many personality types. A serious fan is never alone. We are a

legion,"

Hunter S. Thompson

Background

There are 40 million One Direction fans worldwide, mostly girls

between the ages of 11 and 14. Many believe these girls are a little

unhinged, as they launch vicious attacks and death threats by the

thousand on anyone who vaguely disrespects the band - including

Harry Styles ex girlfriend Taylor Swift or other competing boybands.

1D fans are not to be messed with.

Right now the 1D fangirl threat is under control, placated as they are

by music releases and concert tours, all sold out. But what would

happen should the band suddenly disappear or die in a shocking

accident? What would happen to the fanatical passion of these fans,

deprived of the object of their obsession? And who would take the

blame? The consequences are almost unthinkable.

Premise

A private jet crashes, killing all five One Direction members.

Thousands of teenage fans start committing mass suicides in all

English speaking countries. The surviving millions quickly lose their

minds and transform into violent harpies. Millions of unhinged young

girls maraud the streets in a rage, ransacking all offices of the airline

responsible for the crash, and then the bands record company

before unleashing their revenge on innocent shop-keepers and the

public who seem too blas about what happened, or question the

band's greatness.

Synopsis

Act 1.

Jamie Sturredge is a teenager from Glasgow who plays in an

extremely avant-garde indie band called Swim Deep. Swim Deep

have an avid local following, but are told that their music and their

style is too obscure to ever be a commercial success. Jamies 12

year old sister Dora is a huge One Direction fan. Her and her fangirl

friends are huddled round the computer trying to buy tickets for the

bands upcoming world tour. Jamie wants to get on the computer to

see if his interview is up, but his sister is hogging it. He argues with

his sister about her stupid obsession. Theyre not even a real band,

he says. 'They play no instruments' Why dont you like proper music

like the Klaxons or us? Dora snaps at him viciously, has no idea who

the Klaxons are , saying that if he ever talks like that about 1D again

shell rip off his fucking head! Jamie is shocked and goes to his

room to play his music at high decibels.

Clive Martin is an over-the-hill music journalist from VICE who

cynically hates anything remotely mainstream. He is arriving back to

Heathrow from Glasgow where he saw a young indie band play live

who were definitely unknown enough for him to like them. He's

written his article up on the plane, but now is tired and impatient to

get home. At the airport throngs of One Direction fans are waiting to

see off the band, who are about to play a sellout concert in South

Africa. Sellout Crowd Greets Sellout Band. Clive cant stand 1D and

after stumbling across a hoard of manic fangirl teenagers in the

airport, screams obscenities at them and lays into their idols. The

fans shout abuse back at him. There is something slightly animalistic

and terrifying about their reaction.

Boiling with anger Clive tweets ironically on the train on the way

home: If there is a God please let him make One Directions plane

crash somewhere over the Andes and let every last one of them die.

This Tweet sparks a tirade of abuse from the 1D hoard who unleash

their fury on him. Clive responds and a Twitter War ensues in which

he accuses 1D fans of cyberbullying.

Act 2.

By some freakish coincidence, the 1D plane actually crashes over

the Andes. Everyone onboard dies. The news reports spark hysteria

as 5,000 suicides of fans occur all across the world. In Glasgow at

the Sturredge house, Dora is inconsolable. She becomes sick from

anxiety and thrashes around in bursts of anger. She lashes out at her

parents. They send her to her room where a terrifying metamorphasis

occurs. Her eyes become bloodshot, her skin turns a dull grey. An

awful snarl takes her lips hostage.

The rest of the country is also distraught. David Cameron makes a

statement calling the crash a tragedy for the nation. Clive quickly

becomes a hate figure due to his offensive Tweet. He is asked to

come on ITV News to discuss the 1D deaths with Harry Styles

hairdresser Lou Teasdale and her child Baby Lux.

While this is happening the surviving 1D fans begin to be taken over

by a vicious rage at the loss of their favourite band. They gradually

become deranged and start rioting in the streets. First they loot the

offices of the airline, then the record label offices, then random

shops. In Glasgow Dora viciously attacks her dad when he brings

some Horlicks up to her room and asks her to turn down What Makes

You Beautiful, which she is playing at top volume. Jamie and his

mum try to subdue the child, but she seems imbued with a

superhuman strength and inflicts a horrible would on her fathers

neck. Doras mum tells her she is grounded for a year provoking

Dora to lunge for her mum. Jamie tries to pull her away. In the

ensuing struggle Jamie manages to save his mother by beating his

own sisters head in with a Harry Styles doll her favourite toy.

Unfortunately Jamies dad dies from his wounds.

Elsewhere around the country parents cower in their own homes, too

terrified to discipline their previously sweet young daughters for fear

of being mauled to death. The police do their best to repel the

demented fans, but there are just too many of them. Although the

police are a little hesitant to use force against these girls, the fans

actually exhibit a sort of crazed strength, laying waste to anything in

their path. News reports show that in the US Lady Gaga fans, the

little monsters, try to fight back, and are defeated in a bloodbath.

An emergency meeting is convened in the ITV studios with the army

and the ITV executives. The ITV executives decide that they need to

find another boy band to take the place of One Direction in order to

placate the anger of the fans. They put an emergency casting call out

asking for aspiring pop stars from around the country to come to the

ITV studios in order to take part in auditions.

From all around the country wannabe performers leave the safety of

their homes in order to find stardom, but also to save the country.

The majority of them die along the way, but some make it and slowly

the young wannabe pop stars begin to trickle in to the ITV studios

where executives have barricaded themselves in on the 21st floor.

Clive is there to witness their arrival and he interviews these

ambitions teens for his emergency hipster blog that he has put up for

any surviving hipsters out there to read as the staff of both Vice and

Dazed and Confused have all been massacred.

Act 3.

Meanwhile Jamie has managed to take his mum to the relative safety

of his friend's studio where he has met up with his fellow band

members. His mother however is in pieces. She cannot forgive her

son for murdering her daughter even though he saved his mothers

life. She is convinced the enraged fangirls are just a little upset and

need a hug and some icecream.

At first they are safe in the studio, but soon fangirls begin to roam

around the building. When Jamies mum thinks she spots her

daughter wandering past the window and screams her name

Doooora, the fangirls attack, gradually beating down the thick sound

proofed door. Jamies mother wanders out of the studio murmuring

Hello my sweets, my charming little girls. Have any of you seen my

daughter Dora? She is soon torn limb from limb.

Knowing that they are theyre doomed the band decide to play one

last swan song. They choose a particularly obscure indie song and

begin playing just as the fangirls smash through the door. To their

surprise avant-garde indie is like Kryptonite to the fangirls and they

fall to the ground, clutching at their bleeding ears. Although Jamies

mum suffers fatal wounds the band is saved. However, they realise

that ITVs talent hunt is doomed to failure and they must make their

way to London and the ITV studios as fast as possible in order to tell

the executives based there that the only way to save the country is

through heavy indie music. Its going to be a long and difficult

journey, but they know what they have to do. Armed with their

instruments, they co-opt an abandoned bus, load it with amps and a

portable generator and begin their bizarre tour.

In the ITV studios the auditions have of course been televised on the

emergency broadcast channel. Fangirls from across the country are

glued to their sets, picking their favourites and calling up on the

premium rate numbers to vote. The ITV executives are churning out

the bands and releasing single after single, which the manic fangirls

demand that their terrified parents buy for them on their credit cards

or with their iTunes accounts. The parents who have literally become

prisoners in their own homes have no other choice other than to

agree. In the ITV Studios however, Clive is becoming suspicious. A

veritable boy band conveyor belt has sprung up, but as soon as soon

as each band releases a song and goes out on tour they are never

seen of again. Clive begins to ask questions, but gets nothing but

stonewalls. Through some investigating however, he soon realises

that the ITV executives are cynically using the fanslaughter to their

own advantage selling record numbers of singles downloads then

sacrificing each band to the ravenous hoards in live gigs around the

country, which ultimately become blood baths where the boy bands

are ripped apart while signing autographs. Clive quickly publishes his

investigation on his blog upon which he is arrested by the army and

imprisoned in a broom cupboard.

Meanwhile Jamie and his friends are valiantly trying to make it down

to London. With all telephone lines down there is nothing else for

them to do. They must scavenge food along the way from wrecked

super markets and find refuge at night in tower blocks. The road is

tricky and laden with danger, but whenever they are faced with an

attack of fan girls they just pick up their instruments and play an

impromptu gig. However, on the way down to London they read

about Clives conspiracy on his blog who they have been following

ever since his article on the band for Vice. They realise they must get

into the studios and speak to Clive.

Act 4.

Jamie and his band of indie kids, cut their hair, shave and raid a local

Primark disguising themselves as a wannabe boy band. They

approach the ITV Studios and are immediately admitted with a warm

welcome as the executives spot another willing sacrifice. The boys

begin rehearsing and pen a cheesy pop song that the ITV executives

plan to release through iTunes. They soon build up a massive

following among the fangirls who are desperate to download the

track. However, they realise after some careful prodding that Clive

has been imprisoned and soon they are to be sacrificed in a gig

sacrifice. Just before they are about to leave on their tour the band

manage to free Clive and escape in the tour bus from the studios.

Once they have freed Clive the group head to the iTunes HQ. They

have realised that iTunes is working in collaboration with the evil ITV

executives. Playing the role of the bands manager Clive manages to

talk the group into the iTunes HQ. When they are in they convince

iTunes CEO Tim Cook to release a song of their indie music rather

than the pop song that they wrote. Too busy making millions from the

fangirls and their hostage parents Tim Cook agrees without listening

to the new track. The indie song is downloaded by millions of fangirls

worldwide. However, as soon as they hit play on the song they

immediately fall the ground, writhing in agony.

The country is saved. And after a long restorative coma the raging

fangirls are cured and return to their normal sweet demeanours.

Parents around the world are immeasurably grateful to have their

daughters back. Swimdeep immediately become international

megastars, achieving a level of success they could have never hoped

of before. Their album sells millions of copies worldwide and naturally

this breeds an ever-increasing number of young fangirls who are

worryingly overenthusiastic sometimes when it comes to their

obsession. God forbid anything should happen to Jamie and his

group