Attract Your Mr.Right PDF, eBook by Tara Sparks

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“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” —Oscar Wilde

Attract Your Mr. Right

Table of Contents

Contents

INTRODUCTION 1

CHAPTER ONE - THE PATH TO SELF-DISCOVERY 4

CHAPTER TWO - WHAT’S NEXT? 14

CHAPTER THREE - I BEGIN WITH MYSELF 26

CHAPTER FOUR - ARE YOU PREPARED FOR LOVE? 49

CHAPTER FIVE - GENDER ROLE ROLES 60

CHAPTER SIX - HOW ATTRACTION WORKS 70

CHAPTER SEVEN - FROM MEETING TO MATING 93

CHAPTER EIGHT - THE ART OF APPROACHING 116

CHAPTER NINE - FLIRTATION FOR THE FEMME FATALE 131

CHAPTER TEN - TAKING THE SCARY OUT OF FIRST DATES 154

CHAPTER ELEVEN - HOW TO TELL IF A MAN IS INTO YOU 178

CONCLUSION - THE JOURNEY TO FINDING TRUE AND LASTING LOVE 194

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Introduction

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INTRODUCTION

I grew up in Europe, where I was educated, and where I began my professional career in the corporate world, meaning pantyhose were involved. I gained a decade of experience,

but most of what I learned – at least the important stuff – was whispered over coffee in the break room.

Finally, I decided to follow my heart’s desire and be of service to others. I have to admit my decision wasn’t 100 percent altruistic, at least not in the beginning – I just wanted to be able to wear jeans and sneakers and set my own hours.

Also, I felt the company’s policy of being at work by 8 a.m. was a bit harsh. I barely had time to do my hair and makeup, much less select the

but if I discover, after leaving the house, that I’ve – horror of horrors! – chosen the wrong scarf or bracelet, I’m in a snit the rest of the day.

So I founded a company whose mission was to help people learn how to live happier, healthier, and more energetic lives through the integration of mind, body, emotions, and spirit.

It was in this realm that I came across so many women who were hurting or had been deeply hurt in relationships with men. Some of these women had simply given up on love. Even worse, many of them still based their self-worth on whether or not they had a man in their lives. They had put their lives and their joy on hold, waiting for Mr. Right to come along and make them happy.

What I found incredibly sad were those women who preferred to remain in unsatisfying or toxic relationships because they feared being alone.

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Introduction

Some were even convinced it was what they deserved or the best they could hope for. These were not dumb women. They were educated and career-driven, and many held top positions in the companies for which they worked. They actually had a lot going for them, but they didn’t see it that way. They had allowed a bad relationship – or no relationship at

It wasn’t until years later, that I – gasp! – found myself playing the same role, unhappily married to a man who was emotionally closed off from me. In my attempt to be a good wife, I became more attentive to his needs than my own. I got so tangled up in his life that mine had little purpose. I disconnected from everything and everyone around me, including myself. I became invisible.

I realized there would be no happily-ever-after for us. We divorced after ten years of marriage. I reacted like a lot of women. For weeks, I slinked about in unattractive sweats and uncombed hair, eating Hershey’s Kisses. I am convinced that chocolate and baggy sweats were invented for women going through breakups.

As time progressed, I went on to suffer more painful consequences of relationships-gone-bad, and as each of them soured, I experienced the same sense of frustration felt by those women I had met so long ago. It wasn’t until I had been hurt, humiliated, ill-treated, and emotionally

I wanted to know why I, and other women just like me, kept running into brick walls where love was concerned. I wanted to know why some

kissing frogs.

I had a new mission. Despite being a single mom with many obligations,

I got so tangled up in his life that mine had little purpose. I disconnected from everything and everyone around me, including myself. I became invisible.

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Introduction

my pursuit. I was not “enlightened” overnight. It took months of true dedication and teeth-grinding tenacity. I was forced to look inward, to the deepest recesses of my heart, for answers.

true sense of understanding as to why so many beautiful, talented, and wonderful women had discovered nothing but disappointment behind door numbers one, two, and three. Since then, it has been my burning desire to share what I’ve learned with other women, to pass along knowledge because we all know that knowledge is power.

I am not going to tell you how to meet Mr. Filthy-Stinking-Rich or some prince from a country we’ve never heard of, although I personally believe I would look good wearing a tiara to the mall. (Have you ever noticed that women wearing tiaras don’t have to wait in line at Macy’s to make their purchases? Even better, if you’re buying a gift, the store clerk will automatically use the best wrapping paper, instead of the cheap crap they save for people who they think don’t count.)

So, forget about being a princess, or hoping that Glenda, the Good Witch, is going to show up, wave her magic wand, and make you a man-magnet.

Try not to buy into the notion that all men are jerks as you and your girlfriends hold a pity party, complete with tequila shooters, for The One who Just Got Dumped. (And remember, tequila is not your friend. It never fails that, before the night ends, someone is going to get sick and puke on her favorite high heels.)

Instead, let me share with you what I’ve learned, and the message I’m trying to pass on: It’s Not About Him.

In fact, it’s all about you!

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The Path to Self-DiscoveryChapter One

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CHAPTER ONE

THE PATH TO SELF-DISCOVERY

Okay, let’s suppose …

You and your girlfriends are dressed to the hilt and having cocktails at the trendiest bar in town, all the while covertly checking out the scene for unattached males. You haven’t had a decent date since before Skippy Peanut Butter came out in low fat, and, sad as it seems, you’re living your life vicariously through “The Bachelorette.”

Finally, one of your girlfriends leans over and whispers in your ear, “That guy at the bar hasn’t taken his eyes off of you all night. He’s totally into you!”

Your heart skips a beat as you steal a glance in his direction, and there he is: Mr. Tall-Dark-And-Handsome, with a drink in his hand and a glint

bathroom mirror as you picture the two of you sunbathing at a Sandals Resort. Could he be The One?

Fast-forward to the end of the night: The bartender is shouting, “Last call!” Mr. TD&H is nowhere to be seen. You thought you had this one in the bag ... but he never even said hello. What happened?

Or …

The man you have been dating for months is sending mixed signals that

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like his personal life is more secretive than the Dead Sea Scrolls. He answers your questions as willingly as would a guilty suspect in a good cop/bad cop scene. He is late for dates, does not return your phone calls, and you have yet to meet any of his friends or family members. You are half-convinced he’s in the FBI witness protection program and bound by silence because each attempt you make to draw him closer has the opposite effect.

You’re not getting what you want from the relationship, but you cling to

and you’re feeling lower than the underbelly of a salamander. Then, you learn the gut-wrenching truth: He’s married. The signs were there, but you chose to ignore them. What happened?

Or ...

You are having a magical night with your boyfriend ... gourmet dinner, champagne, and a picture-perfect view of a full moon. You’ve invested months into the relationship, and because you’re head over heels in love with him, you assume he feels the same about you. But ... you haven’t quite communicated. You’ve never questioned where the relationship is headed. Are you exclusive? Does he want a commitment? Is he ready to take things to the next level? Does he think you could be The One?

You take a deep breath and pose these questions. He falters, can’t seem to come up with the answers and is quiet for the rest of the night. The next thing you know, he is MIA and hasn’t even bothered to respond to your phone calls and text messages. What happened?

If you’re like many women, these or other such scenarios may speak

Does he want a commitment? Is he ready to

take things to the next level? Does he think

you could be The One?

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loudly to you. Regardless, you’re tired of facing one disappointment after another where your love life is concerned, or, better yet, lack of. You feel invisible to men. Or maybe you’re just unlucky in love because you keep running into one Mr. Wrong after another. They seem to be everywhere, in every bar and on every street corner, multiplying faster than guppies.

Whatever your personal history with men, you have one thing in common

love, it has eluded you, and you continually end up empty-handed and

ice water through a man’s loins. Oh, what you would give to trade them in for male body heat. What happened?

I know exactly what happened, and I’m going to share it with you because I have played the starring role in the scenes I just described, as well as many others, all with the same outcome: hurt, dazed, confused, and downright devastated.

Although it didn’t happen overnight, nor did I win an Oscar for some of my performances, my “acting career” is now over. I no longer have to pretend to be a person I’m not in order to please a man. I don’t pretend that my needs aren’t equally important and that I shouldn’t ask for what

life, knowing I can be my true self.

I’d like nothing better than to share with you what I’ve learned, albeit the hard way, about dating, sex, relationships, marriage, and everything in between.

and practice all that I hope to pass on, you will have the power to transform your love life, take control of your destiny, and become a goddess that could give Aphrodite a run for her money. And let’s face

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it … deep down in our souls we all want to be goddesses. Just like princesses, all they have to do is look good and know the closest route to the mall.

So, what makes me the expert?

Once my ten-year marriage crumbled, and I began my life as a single mother, I made a profound decision. I would choose to spend the rest of my life alone before I would commit to another relationship that did not bring me great love and joy. That commitment changed my life.

After my divorce, I was determined

been missing for so many years, and rediscover who I was and who I could be, outside of my marriage. The process was not as simple as it

sounds. After spending ten years with a partner, even in a not-so-great relationship, I had to learn to start making decisions on my own and without a sounding board off of which I could bounce my thoughts. I had to learn to trust my own instincts, which was scary since I hadn’t used them in so long. For all I knew they were packed in the basement beneath the camping gear. I had to give them a good dusting off and begin applying them in my life.

The road to trying to discover the secrets behind successful relationships was long and arduous, and I found myself hitting a lot of speed bumps

increased to the point that I’d begun to imagine a future that might include thong panties, I took a rather timid step into the world of dating.

Did I screw up from time to time? You betcha. I had learned a lot, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still learning. And speed bumps are not road blocks. When you hit one, it’s life telling you to pause and rethink what is or is not working and how to do a better job next time.

I would rather spend my life alone before I would commit to another relationship that did not bring me great love and joy.

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In the beginning, most of my relationships were long distance because I wasn’t ready for a serious commitment. I created barriers out of distance to ward off intimacy.

Even though I had done a lot of soul-searching and preparation, I often felt that the men I dated did not treat me with the kindness, love, and respect that I deserved. I serial dated all kinds of men – older, younger, wealthy, poor, progressive, traditional – in hopes of one day discovering what it was that I really wanted. The thought hit me that it just might be easier to get a cat.

Finally, I settled on one particular man, only to discover after investing my emotions that he was married! How had I missed the signs? I had gotten involved with a man who was unavailable and with whom I would never have a future because he was a liar, and a pig, and had a wife to boot! Once again, I asked myself: What happened?

and regret, I felt used and abused. I was desperate for something or someone to blame for these sad outcomes. I thought to myself: I’m an adult. I’m a parent. I’ve been married and divorced. I have a child. How could I have allowed something like this to come into my life? What I really wanted to know was how I could have been such an idiot!

Pain, disappointment, and defeat followed closely on the heels of that broken relationship. It sucked the life right out of me. I no longer felt

not in the cards for me and that I was destined to be alone forever, just like my aunt Rhoda who has a problem with facial hair.

The positive in all this is that when you reach that level of hopelessness called rock bottom, you tend to assess and analyze yourself, which is exactly what I did. I asked myself, out of all the relationships that had not worked out in my life, what was the common denominator? And that’s when the epiphany came to me. I was.

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bad habits, limiting beliefs, destructive patterns, and the fact that I could not eat spinach without getting it stuck between my front teeth,

Armed with my revelation and a desire to improve myself, I was determined to solve the mystery of dating. Using my best skills, I would crack the equation and gain a better understanding as to why even the brightest women in the world could not count on landing a second date with a man, much less forming a solid, long-term relationship. Little did I realize what a gigantic undertaking it would be.

I was relentless in my pursuit. I became a P.I. in the dating and relationship category. Calling it a passion was an understatement. It was an obsession. I wanted real true love so badly I could taste it. I conducted countless hours of research, investigating the chemical, physiological, and psychological aspects of what actually took place between a man and a woman in the initial stages of attraction, and

I didn’t stop there. I interviewed relationship experts, spoke to authors who had written books on the subject, and questioned dating gurus. I hired a love coach and worked with a psychologist. I attended seminars and talks, took courses and read everything I could on the subject. I meditated and

walked a path of self-discovery. I fasted. I gave up chocolate.

I was still conducting my “studies” when I met an English woman on a

work, and she was eager to share her experiences. I had been amazed

I asked myself, out of al l the relationships that had not worked out in my life, what was the common denominator? And that’s when the epiphany came to me. I was. .

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from the beginning at how easily people – men and women from a variety of backgrounds – opened up to me when it came to the subject of relationships. I’d listened to their stories while sitting next to them on the train or sipping my favorite brew in Starbucks.

by her stories, I asked, “What do you really want?”

Her answer was simple: “Love. Connection. That special someone.”

She spoke of these things as if they existed in another galaxy. Unreachable. Her fear and negative experiences had left her resigned but bitter, and

or even having a stray dog follow her home.

“I wish I had done in my twenties what you are doing,” she lamented.

realized that the knowledge and understanding I had gained through hard work and perseverance was bigger than me and my little corner of the world. Suddenly, I had a burning desire to share what I knew with women who, like the lady on the plane, had plastered so many

true and everlasting love.

My fervent prayer was that I could somehow help these women, challenge them not to give up on their dreams. I wanted to teach them how to be their very best, and how to claim joy for themselves no matter what their circumstances. I wanted to empower them and watch them unfold like the trembling petals on a rose, because an empowered woman who recognizes her own self-worth is a beautiful woman. Finally, I wanted

elusive;; in fact, it was closer than they thought, even if it happened to

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be that obese pest control guy who lived next door. (Just kidding.) I wanted to give them the courage and know-how so they could stretch their arms high and reach for their dreams instead of settling for less than they deserved.

This book is my second baby, conceived from personal experiences and born with revelations and love, and minus the wet spot on the bed after

embark will change your life as well. All it takes is willingness and a desire.

If you are ready, then follow me, because what I’m about to share with you are the stepping stones to a path that leads to love and incredible joy, beginning with these simple principles:

#1: You own yourself. You are fully responsible for making love happen. Love will not happen without your participation, so if you feel safer being a casual bystander, you’re going to end up like my aunt Rhoda, wearing wrinkled housedresses,

#2: A woman who feels she has no options will settle for whatever she gets. Those who have not been actively

shows an interest, even if he is clearly the wrong choice.

relationship, often feel stuck. It all points to self-esteem, how a woman feels about herself. A woman who has a high opinion of herself realizes she does have options and will not compromise her wants, needs, desires, and values by settling for a relationship that isn’t the one that was designed especially for her.

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#3: You have the power to design the course of your life. Many women never realize that they have the power to choose their own destiny. The decision belongs to you and only you,

from a palm reader, and for God’s sake stop listening to your mother! Being aware, being convinced that you are free to make your own choices, is very powerful. You have to decide what you really want and what you’re willing to do to get it. This book will give you the power and teach you the skills you

#4: Embrace change. Many women fear change as much as they do menopause or their American Express bill, but the reality is, none of us can change our circumstances unless

times do we need to hear this before we “get it”? The most precious things in life are achieved by those who are willing to step out of their comfort zone and explore the unknown.

#5: Seek knowledge. Let go of the notion that you are supposed to instinctively know everything about relationships. You are not Dr. Ruth. Instead, embrace the idea that knowledge is indeed powerful, as you begin to learn about attraction, dating, relationships, sex, commitment, and the male psyche. This book is about removing insecurities and other mental roadblocks on the path to happiness and rewarding relationships. You will become a better, stronger,

you are at your core.

#6: It’s all about you. This book is not about men;; it’s not even about women as a whole. And it’s certainly not about me trying to you. In fact, I can’teverything I’ve learned about life and love, but at the end

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of the day, only you have the power to create real, lasting change within yourself. And, ladies, please don’t make it more

instead, be kind and gentle to yourself as you seek out your own truth and what works for you.

#7. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Keep a journal in which you record your patterns, set goals, track your progress, and celebrate your successes. If you screw up, which you probably will, acknowledge it and move on. And then go out and treat yourself to Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

love. Just reading this book, absorbing its wisdom, and taking it all out for a spin in the real world – because theory is great, but action is always better! – your perspective on men, dating, relationships, and commitment will change. Your personal growth makes all the difference. It’s the bridge between a sub-par relationship and happily ever after.

Bravo to you for taking this powerful step toward crafting the relationship, the life, and the future that you want. The best investment you will ever make is the investment you make in yourself.

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What’s Next?Chapter Two

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CHAPTER TWO

WHAT’S NEXT?

So, you may be thinking, okay, that all sounds great. I am ready to become the woman I want to be and experience the love I want to have in my life. What‘s next?

Thanks for asking. In fact, it’s such a good question that I want you to keep it tucked inside that little makeup case that never leaves your side, the one that comes along every time you change purses.

Here’s my answer: Every time you feel that you’ve mastered something, take a moment and ask yourself, With those simple words, you will maintain the momentum of change and continue to progress toward greater and greater achievements. Whenever you feel you have reached the end of your development, pause and ask,

My “next” came in the form of a man named Eric. We instantly clicked. Our relationship was so many things that my relationship with my husband had not been. We read books together, held deep conversations about life and love, shared a mutual interest in personal development and, most of all, we were emotionally open with each other.

This is where I would like to tell you about my happily-ever-after with Eric, but I can’t. It never happened, because three months into our relationship a revelation hit me like Mike Tyson’s left hook: What the hell was I doing with Eric? He was not

Every time you feel that you’ve mastered something, take a moment and ask yourself, “W hat’s next?”

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I would not use men for validation and confidence, or to feed my psychological needs.

my type at all! (Meaning, I’d never developed a hankering for men with bad breath and greasy hair.)

I enjoyed spending time with Eric, but my feelings were friendship-based and nothing more. I had fooled myself into thinking that a relationship was right for me again because it was easier to ignore my needs than to face the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life. I had broken the promise I’d made to myself that I would spend my life alone before repeating my mistakes where love was concerned.

Despite the many months that had passed since my marriage had ended, I was still emotionally raw and blind to what I really wanted and needed. I couldn’t nurture myself or deal with my pain in a healthy way, so instead of tending to my emotional well-being, I became involved with someone.

I did not care who I dated as long as he occupied my time and distracted

things that I should have been facing. Hungry for intimacy and a chance to dull my pain, I ignored all the warning signs that Eric was wrong for me. I didn’t fall for him

deep psychological holes and feeding my intense need to feel desirable.

If I’d known then what I know now – jeez, I wish I had a dime for every time I’ve spoken those words – things would have been very different. I would not have been desperate for connection and distraction, to feel wanted and needed in order to prove that I wasn’t damaged goods.

I learned and grew in my relationship with Eric – he helped me understand myself and come to terms with what had happened in my marriage – but I promised myself that, in the future, I would not use men for validation

come from within myself.

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I asked myself the same question that I want you to ask yourself: What’s How do I move forward and create a life that I am excited to live

Where do I begin?

to become yours: “I begin with myself.”

I begin with myself. I would never have guessed that four little words could hold so much power, but they became the key to every exploration I embarked upon and every change I made from there on out. I begin with myself.

I commence this book with YOU. This chapter is all about you – you, the whole you, and nothing but you. It addresses your wants, needs, and

patterns, strengths, and weaknesses. And above all, what you can do to become your best self, create the life you want, manifest the love

attention that you dated a guy with bad breath and greasy hair!

Let’s dive right in.

I knew that my marriage was over when I realized I was living my husband’s life, with my own nowhere in sight. What I wanted and who I was were foreign concepts. I had lost all sense of myself as an individual.

moves. A sexy new dress might turn a few heads, but it wasn’t going to

meet, date, attract, and form a long-term connection with the man of my dreams.

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What I needed was deep, identity-level change, and that was going to require some serious work.

I was committed to overturning every bit of damage my marriage had done. I was also committed to becoming a new woman – my own woman –

true self. I thought about my mantra – I begin with myself – and about the promise I’d made to forge a stronger relationship with myself. Lastly, I would honor my decision to remain alone as a single parent rather than risk entering into another permanent relationship that would prove as disastrous as my marriage. I had allowed those promises to slip by me.

With determination and clarity, I

transformation: This process is not about doing something new. It’s about becoming someone new. It wasn’t about tips and tricks off the cover of Cosmo. (Yes, they certainly

have a place, but not here.) I was going to become a better, stronger,

my core.

Just thinking about all I wanted and needed to do gave me pause. It was a plateful, and I was not likely to excel overnight. I would just follow that old adage, “Fake it till you make it.” Surely, I could do that. Hell, I’d faked it before.

I have heard brides say, “It’s the one!” when they slip on the dress of their dreams, and they feel like it is right. But it’s not always that way with the man of your dreams. It’s truly the exception. There’s a reason “getting lucky” is a euphemism for having sex, and not a euphemism for falling in love.

There’s a reason “getting lucky” is a euphemism for having sex, and not a euphemism for fal ling in love.

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Love is so much more than getting lucky. Meeting and attracting a man you’re interested in, developing a connection, and maintaining a long-term relationship requires effort and plenty of it. And, as you can probably guess by now, it all begins with you.

in Pamplona, you’ve got work of your own to do – that deep identity-level change that I just mentioned, to make sure that you’re prepared and in the right state of mind. In other words, don’t go off half-cocked and screw it up so the rest of us look bad.

The good news is, this kind of internal work is the most rewarding work you will ever do, so embrace the process and take responsibility for what happens in your life.

The most successful women in the world are the ones who know what they want, know that they are responsible for achieving it, and know how to break things down into small, manageable steps. They know that

to turn bad experiences into opportunities for growth. These women

about to become a lifelong member of that club. Congratulations!

If you desire to change any of these facts of your life – romantic, personal,

conquered with determination, knowledge, and skill. For your best friend, it is a high level of self-awareness that allows her to be conscious of her strengths and sticking points, as well as the belief that she has the power to overcome those weaknesses. And for the girl who sits next

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to you on the train, it is self-esteem that doesn’t require validation or approval from external sources.

Guess what? All of the above is the right answer. Regardless of your

male or female, seeks in a partner, sometimes without even knowing it.

Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather spend time with someone who has positive feelings for themselves – and everyone else – than someone who …

Well, like my friend Beth, for example. She wears her low self-esteem like an old moth-eaten sweater that needs to be tossed, but she wouldn’t dare part with it because it’s all she knows. She

herself lacking. She is convinced that men will reject her and that all relationships are destined to lead to pain and suffering. She is certain

deservesanything to worry about – women like Beth don’t exactly draw men.

The reality is, Beth’s relationships have all been train wrecks as a direct result of her attitude about herself. She dates liars, cheaters, abusers... the whole lot. Why? Because she abuses herself with constant put-downs. Having seen her worst fears about men come to life, she thinks she’s found proof that her negative beliefs are right. That vicious cycle becomes a downward spiral toward even lower self-esteem.

that analogy have the word gross written all over it? In Beth’s case, she

...the reality is, Beth’s relationships have al l been train wrecks as a direct result of her attitude about herself.

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a number of good guys in white hats who don’t need to be tarred and feathered and run out of town by sundown.

drawing others into her life through positive energy. Fortunately, she has begun to realize that her own thoughts and beliefs have been working against her and that she needs to start making some of the changes that this very book is based on. She might just shrug off that old sweater after all!

exciting, confusing, or scary, it’s critical, and trying to go forward without it is like – pardon the cliché – spitting in the wind. Whatever thoughts and feelings of uncertainty are running through your head right now, remember, they are only thoughts and feelings, and you have the power to sweep them right out the back door and follow up with your mantra: I begin with myself.

steadily stronger.

The same goes for the other muscles in your body. (Yeah, you knew that sooner or later, I was going to get around to discussing exercise, right?)

are worth the toil and sweat. Not only does exercise send a surge of endorphins to your brain, which is more powerful than morphine, it elevates your serotonin levels that ward off depression and mood swings, and promotes a sense of calm and well-being. Okay, okay, I would feel a bit guilty if I failed to mention that sex raises your endorphin levels as well, but just think, getting a good look at those hunky guys at the gym might stir up a few good feelings south of your belly button!

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Developing motivation that challenges you to face fears and confront uncomfortable situations takes courage. By picking up this book, you’ve shown that you have that courage. Are you ready to start toning your

work in this section tosses your way? I hope the answer to my question is, “Absolutely!”

touched on a couple of them to an extent, I would like for you to commit them to memory because I can’t stress their importance.

Commandment #1:Commandment #2: Men love women who love themselves.Commandment #3: How you feel about yourself determines who you attract.

Not quite as overwhelming as those other ten commandments, but still a bit on the unreachable side? Stick with me. I’m going to go over each commandment in detail so that you understand what they mean, how they affect you, and how you can use them to make positive changes in your life.

Commandment #1

on your own without me and responded with, “Duh!”

Self-awareness refers to your inner life and to your knowledge of your own habits, patterns, thoughts, needs, desires, traits, emotions, and behaviors. It also refers to your ability to evaluate those things and identify which are positive forces in your life and which are negative forces.

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A self-aware woman knows who she is, knows what she wants, knows what she needs, and, no, it does not come in the form of

just coincidentally happened to be your size. A self-aware woman knows what she does not like – other than cellulite, thick ankles, and yeast infections – and knows what she needs to work on in order to make her exceptional. She has built and nurtured a strong and honest relationship with herself.

Self-awareness can be likened to a seed that, when nurtured, spurts

grow with each passing day;; but again, it has to be well-tended.

The more unpleasant experiences you have, the further away you become from the truth. Remember the vicious cycle? That is precisely what happened to me, when I became so caught up in my ex-husband’s life that I lost sense of my own identity.

Disconnected from your own experience, you end up in the wrong relationships over and over again. It’s all too easy to date men who don’t meet your needs when you don’t even know what those needs are. And whose responsibility is that? It’s yours! You aren’t consciously trying to keep making yourself miserable, but you alone have the ability to respond – the responsibility – for your own life. And this goes

anyone on a true and meaningful level.

Without self-awareness, intimacy is nothing more than “fooling around,” without a willingness to explore your depths and the ability to share

place.

Without self-awareness, intimacy is nothing more than “fooling around,...”

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Trying to create positive change without self-awareness is like trying to create H2O (water) without the O (oxygen). It requires that you take inventory... of your life, your relationships, and yourself with cutting-edge honesty. What’s working and what’s not? This awareness encourages you to act in ways that complement who you really are at your core, and provides the motivation needed to make the necessary changes. That vision you have of what you want... in your life… in a man... in your future… becomes crystal clear through the unforgiving lens of self-awareness. Your truth allows the lens to give you 20/20 vision. Fool yourself, and it becomes blurry. When you know what you want, you can

Commandment #2: Men love women who love themselves.Simple as they may be, and yes, as clichéd as they may be, these words represent a very powerful idea. Think of the most attractive men you’ve met in person, seen in movies, or read about in books. What makes them so attractive? And of those traits, which of them do you think contributes most to their attractiveness? Odds are,

of who they are, and are not afraid to express themselves, even if their beliefs aren’t particularly popular. They love themselves, and because they love themselves, others love them.

Sharyn Abbott is one of the authors I interviewed on the mysteries of love. She has penned eight books, including Making a List and Checking it Twice: What Singles Need to Know. When asked what it takes to create a lasting relationship, I found one response especially intriguing: “If women would learn that they are more attractive at being who they are rather than who they think they should be, it would solve a lot of problems.”

After considering what Sharyn said, I began to think of various scenarios that would prove her point:

http://tinyurl.com/ENMeetYourSweet

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Take the case of a woman who hates to cook but thinks she has to do it in order for a man to fall in love with her. Rather than being honest with him, she buys premade food at the supermarket and tries to pass it off as home-cooked meals.

In the beginning, she is thrilled as the man in her life showers her with compliments and sincere appreciation that she has gone to so much trouble for him. He responds by taking her to a nice restaurant every weekend. After a while, though, she begins to resent all that cooking, not to mention the expense of buying premade food. She resents him because he seems to expect it.

a real love for cooking, and, as far as he can tell, she seems to enjoy it, almost like a hobby. He’s not a mind reader. He has no idea that she is in the kitchen fuming mad and getting ready to kick him to the curb.

Adam Gilad is the author of The Right Man Online. He echoed Sharyn’s wise words when we spoke. “I cannot underline this enough,” he said.

them, but once you do, that’s all we see.”

I agree wholeheartedly. A woman who speaks negatively about herself, whether it’s about a physical feature or something else, is not attractive to men. Men love women who own their identity and who have the

themselves, be they chubby, skinny, or a Beyoncé bombshell.

Commandment #3: How you feel about yourself determines who you attract.Put this one in your back pocket and don’t let it get away. How

How you feel about yourself determines the

kind of men you attract and the kind of

relationships you have. Honor yourself, and men

wil l honor you.


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you feel about yourself determines the kind of men you attract and the kind of relationships you have. Honor yourself, and men will honor you. Treat yourself with respect, and you will be respected. Likewise, if you view yourself in a negative light and let limiting beliefs dictate the person you are, you will not attract men who are respectful, trustworthy, considerate, or compatible.

There is a name for the second group of guys, but I’ll leave that to your imagination.

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I Begin with MyselfChapter Three

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CHAPTER THREE

I BEGIN WITH MYSELF

I’ve already said it, but it’s so important that it bears repeating:

inside. No one can ever like, love, or respect you more than you like, love, or respect yourself. Pay attention to how the men you date treat you – because that is exactly how you are treating yourself, whether you know it or not.

That is the very reason this journey MUST begin with you. Have you ever wondered why men were such jerks? Or questioned if there were any decent guys left out there? All the good ones must be married, you tell yourself. I’ve certainly had those sentiments, as has almost every woman on the planet. But if you feel that all the men you date are jerks or worse, the truth is, you’re asking the wrong questions.

The right questions are: Why am I drawing that sort of man into my life? What can I do to change it?

Again, the spotlight is on you, not the man, even if he is a jerk. Why are you involved in a relationship with someone who does not respect or cherish you? Why are you dating someone who doesn’t consider your needs, or with whom you can’t communicate? Someone you can’t trust with your heart?

What are you doing with a jerk?

You’re dating a jerk because you don’t think you deserve better.

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You’re dating a jerk because you don’t think you deserve better. You’re dating a jerk because you’ve let limiting beliefs get the better of you, and because you haven’t yet learned to love yourself. You’re dating a

Get rid of him! I don’t care how you do it, just do it! And I don’t mean maybe!

And now the question is:

you understand why it’s important, but how do you actually go about

knowing to doing, which is the next crucial milestone on the way to being.

houses on a city block. But I don’t want you to be overwhelmed. Here

will improve your success in both love and life:

1. Let go. Whatever old baggage and hurts you are carrying around from past relationships are doing nothing but weighing you down. You and you alone are responsible for how you think, feel, and act in the present. Owning full responsibility for how you respond to events in your past is incredibly liberating, because it gives you the power to stop blaming the past, drop your baggage, and step forward as the free woman you deserve to be!

2. Identify your core values and live in alignment with them. Ask yourself questions like: What things in life bring me the most joy? Who do I really want to be? How do I want to be remembered? Determine how you want to live your life based on the things you truly believe in. A woman who knows what she wants from herself

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3. Take a close look at your beliefs. Your beliefs guide your actions, results, and how those results make you feel. You don’t have the ideal relationship in your life because your beliefs are leading you to take actions designed to keep you from that

the relationship you are looking for.

4. Set goals and work toward achieving them. Goals should not feel as though they are unreachable. It’s good to set big goals that you can work toward over time, but it’s also good to set smaller, more manageable goals that can be achieved in shorter time periods. What are some of the goals that you can achieve in the next week or even later today? Is there an e-mail you’re ignoring or a phone call you haven’t made? When did you last speak with your poor aunt Rhoda? Split goals into smaller, incremental steps that can be accomplished more quickly, and take time to celebrate each success, because with each goal you

5. Your subconscious brain is incredibly powerful, but it’s not always good at distinguishing between the

they slip past the security system of your consciousness and head directly to the deepest recesses of your brain. Once there, they settle in, get comfortable, and become your genuine beliefs. There aretime convincing yourself you’re the queen of England. Or Celine

tense, like: I am attractive. I love myself. I am in control of my life. Every man who sees me wants me. (Be careful what you wish for!) Consider printing some out and placing them in visible locations around your home as a constant reminder of

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6. Gain competence. when you give yourself credit for your strengths and make an

around men is lacking, start small and work your way up. Set a goal to make eye contact with every attractive man you see until it’s no longer intimidating. Then gradually up the ante – smile, start a conversation, or, yummy, initiate touch! As your skills with

7. Surround yourself with supportive people. Be around the type of people that you aspire to be. The company you keep has

constantly around people who put you and your efforts down,

Instead, bond with a social network of friends, classmates, club members, and co-workers who are like-minded, supportive, and positive.

an irresistible life. Everything we talk about in this book, as you are hopefully beginning to notice, is interdependent. Each topic we discuss makes the last one work even more effectively, going deeper into the secrets of attraction and love, until you have a clear understanding of what it takes to become your best self and live your best life.

Without self-awareness, you cannot love, honor, and cherish your most authentic self, and without those very valuable traits, you will not attract men who love, honor, and cherish you equally. Finding your I begin with myself.

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Got Pleasure?

As I’ve already mentioned, following my divorce I set out to research the great work entitled “Who am I?” The market was deluged with similar works, so I didn’t worry about publishing. This was for ME. It was exactly what I needed to clear my head and heart, and prepare myself for the single life that lay ahead.

Finally, I felt ready to date again. Because I had lived in Europe and married a Ukrainian, it wasn’t long before I realized that dating in America was going to be different. Not necessarily in a bad way, just different.

Action StepGentle Disclaimer: Nothing you read in this book matters unless you take steps to turn my words into your reality. As I said in the introduction, theory is great, but action is always better. With that

with exercises and suggestions for putting the ideas we cover into practice.

building into a game, and improve your skills with men at the same

number of men over the course of the next week. Start with the doorman just for practice. Move on to the guy in the shoe department who knows every inch of your foot but has probably never seen the color of your eyes. When you’re ready, go on to the advanced step of making eye contact with guys walking down the street. When your

take things a step further and smile. Keep raising the stakes. Say hello and start a conversation, initiate physical contact, but, um, ladies, let’s keep it above the belt for now!

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although American men are thoughtful in other ways – like bringing a nice bottle of wine if invited to dinner and supplying their own condoms

Initially, I was frustrated and felt that a choice of some kind was in order. I could shut off that part of myself

never existed.

Or:I could continue to feel like something was woefully missing from my

was.

Or: I could acknowledge that no man is a mind reader and admit that it was up to me to communicate the things that gave me joy.

I chose option #3, the one with joy in the description: If I wanted know

what I wanted.

So, I set out to research that topic a bit. One day, while I was staying in a hotel, the man I was dating asked if I liked the room. “Yes,” I said, “it

love

Voila! A stunning bouquet arrived for me the very next day. I had

given it to me. It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? It felt wonderful. I had a man who listened to me and cared for me, and who was attentive and generous.

If I wanted f lowers, I had to let him know I wanted f lowers. I had to learn to ask for what I wanted.

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In return, I gave him the pleasure of knowing that he knew how to make me happy, and I showered him with compliments over the next few days to show him how appreciative I really was. It was one of the best lessons I’ve ever learned about men. Simply asking for what I wanted was like waving a “magic wand.” Showing my heartfelt appreciation was the “magic potion” for getting even more.

Pleasure is to relationships what a beating heart is to life. And I’m not just talking about the kind of pleasure that happens in the bedroom. (Or the hot tub, or the kitchen counter top, or the backseat of his convertible, but I digress.) That kind of pleasure is mucho important, but there are so many other sources of pleasure that women often forget to explore.

Pleasure is having a desire for what you want and claiming it for yourself. It’s about having the self-awareness to understand what makes you

mind, listen to your heart and body, and ask yourself: What brings me pleasure? What turns me on? (Again, not just down south, because that doesn’t take a whole lot of thought other than remembering to shave your legs and paint your toenails beforehand.) But what brings me joy? What is Ecstasy on Earth for me?

Sadly, we are so conditioned in this society to not “want too much,” not “take too much,” that it can be hard to really focus on what those things are, but I beg you to try. You will be very glad you did.

Your desires don’t have to be big things. (Although great big things like private jets and designer clothes are perfectly acceptable.) For me, I

senses, they make me feel alive. Some have an earthy aroma, some smell sweet and fresh. And the hues: everything from electric blue to the golden sun! Not opposite of pleasure for me.

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the heartbreak of a sweet aria, or fondling the delicate strings of a harp.

There are women who enjoy writing, and get a rush of pleasure when they’re able to wax magic with their words and compose something so profound that it reaches deep inside and touches their very souls. Others get swept away reading the sultry

words of Anaïs Nin or the energetic prose of Ernest Hemingway. Some like to move their bodies to calypso music or enjoy a titillating sunset massage on a deserted beach, and then there are those who take pleasure from sweet images of frolicking with their children.

Finally, there are those slightly naughty women – and we know who we are – who enjoy spending a delicious evening alone with their favorite vibrator as they fantasize about… Well, let’s not go there and risk having our teenage son or daughter get hold of this and think – heaven forbid! – that mom has… um, needs. We’re supposed to be in the kitchen baking cookies, after all!

Whatever your pleasure, you must

nurture that part of yourself. When

pleasure that is you, you experience satisfaction. And then you feed it more. And it will become apparent just in the way you carry yourself. People will think, “She takes such good care of herself, I must care for her, too!”

That’s what I’m talking about!

Listen to your mind, listen to your heart and body, and ask yourself: W hat brings me pleasure? W hat turns me on?

Some women f ind pleasure in music, getting lost in the heartbreak of a sweet aria...

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The energy of the pleasure you create draws men into your life, because they – and everyone else – want to be around happy, whole, pleasure-

ask that others do the same. Treat yourself to date nights and appoint

Don’t you just love the sound of the word bliss? Not only does it sound nice, it feels nice to your lips and tongue when you actually say it. Close your eyes and speak it slowly, stretching it out, emphasizing the “s” sound, and you can almost feel it sweep through your body and caress your shoulders.

once you become accustomed to searching them out.

Make your life and your relationships a constant quest for happiness and joy. Pleasure should be a priority for us all, including all you working mothers out there who are single parents as well. You spend much of your time giving instead of receiving. You are the nurturers of the world, yet you almost never take time to nurture yourselves. Make an appointment to spend a Saturday at the spa the next time your ex has the kids for the weekend. Buy your favorite CD and sing along. Better

sure beats thinking about that mountain of paperwork waiting on your desk.

Pay attention to your feelings. Listen to your own needs, fulf il l them, and ask that others do the same.

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The Past is History.

Los Angeles. When she heard that I was studying the mechanics of love and attraction, she had so many stories she wanted to share with me. They all had one thing in common: Each one was the cautionary tale of a relationship gone wrong.

that all relationships were destined to lead to pain, suffering, and loss. Her fate was a life of loneliness. She gave power to her past by allowing it to determine the course of her future, and it was making her profoundly unhappy.

My heart broke as she told me tale after tale of disappointment and I was swept away, yet inspired, by the hopelessness in her eyes. As I digested

Action StepSet aside a day that’s just for you and have a little fun with what noted life coach and lifelong pleasure seeker Cheryl Richardson calls “Extreme Self-Care.” Extreme Self-Care is the practice of committing fully to living a nurturing lifestyle of your own design. Living a life of Extreme Self-Care requires that you connect with yourself on a daily basis to determine what you need, decide how you’re going to get there, and take steps to make it happen.

What does Extreme Self-Care look like to you? Did any of the above descriptions of pleasure turn you on? They are available to everyone. Is it pampering yourself with a professional spa treatment? Is it making time to attend a yoga class? Is it ordering room service in a swanky hotel? Is it a bubble bath with high-end bath salts? Is it reading the celebrity gossip rags that you’re usually too embarrassed to buy? Whatever Extreme Self-Care means to you, dedicate a day to treating yourself in the name of pleasure (and consider making it a regular habit!).

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the negativity that had accumulated in her life, my next guiding lesson of my transformation was revealed to me: You are not your past.

You have the power to dispose of old ideas and experiences, and thank God for that because I have this “friend” who did things that should be swept under the rug, never to see the light of day. So, for those of you who, like my friend, have a history, it’s good to know I—I mean she—can toss them aside like yesterday’s trash and make room for positive thoughts that foster personal growth and cultivate love. The past has no power except the power you give it.

The Buddha said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” In other words: Pain is what happens to you;; suffering is what you create. The English woman’s experiences with men were quite painful. My divorce was horribly painful. So why was she mourning the past, while I was looking forward to the future? The difference rests in the way we choose to evaluate our experiences. She had chosen a path of suffering, a path

her life and allowed that negativity to cast a shadow over the direction of her future. I had chosen a path of promise, a path in which I viewed every experience as an opportunity for learning and growth.

In preparation for writing this book, I spoke with countless women who had convinced themselves that the negative experiences they’d had with men in the past were responsible

for the negative experiences they were having in the present. A range of sources were given the blame, from inconsiderate and unfaithful boyfriends to devastating breakups, absent fathers, and dysfunctional parental relationships.

The past has no power except the power you give it....

The Budd ha said, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”

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So many of their relationships, these women said, were crushing failures, and now they felt doomed to carry the baggage of those disappointing romances into every new relationship that came into their lives. “Baggage” is so overplayed in this culture that it has become acceptable. “She has baggage ... he has baggage ... everybody has baggage!” In fact, if you don’t have baggage people will think something is wrong with you. Best to pretend you have it and you’re lugging it around just like everybody else.

Viewing the past is a matter of perspective, and their perspective was all wrong. The truth is, no experience, no matter how challenging it felt at the time, is right or wrong or good or bad. The only meaning your past has is the meaning you decide to give to it. You cannot choose pain, but you can choose whether you are going to suffer over it or not. You are not your past.

and give it whatever meaning best serves you. Apply these Four Principles to your past.

Principle #1: All experience is a gift.Principle #2: You cannot be fully yourself if you cut out pieces of who you are.Principle #3: It is impossible to break patterns if you do not understand them.Principle #4: neutralized.

detail.

Principle #1: All experience is a gift.Your mind has more power than Superman and a steam locomotive combined. Women who choose to let heartbreak and bad experiences control their future success with men give that power the freedom

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to run rampant and leave destruction behind in its wake. It’s strong, but you are stronger. On the other hand, women who understand that they – and only they – are the ultimate authority over their minds have the ability to frame the events of their past through any lens they choose. These women make a conscious decision to look at life through the lens of Principle #1: All experience is a gift.

When I say “gift,” I don’t mean that every experience is good. Some gifts are wonderful, like that pony you would have traded your little brother to have. But those holiday sweaters done in acid green and red, and adorned with snowmen ... not so much. The point of that sweater is that someone hated you enough … um, I mean they cared enough

experiences gifts, good and bad alike, is to recognize that experiences of all kinds can be blessings. Some are blessings in disguise, but they are blessings nonetheless. (Like how you managed to bless a complete stranger when you dropped that sweater off in the Goodwill bin by making it more affordable for her.)

Every experience in life brings strength, wisdom, and self-awareness. Each relationship that fails brings you a step closer to relationship bliss. (Oh, my, there is that word again.) When you are open to learning what caused a relationship to end, you are better prepared for the next relationship. You are less likely to fall for a man who isn’t what you really need in a partner, and you’re less likely to act in ways that aren’t conducive to maintaining a lasting, loving relationship with someone.

It’s all about your perspective. Take control of your mind, and decide to view every experience – good or bad – in a positive light. It’s time to make a choice: From this day forward, the words mistake, failure, and regret are no longer part of your vocabulary. All experiences are a gift,

Every experience in life brings strength, wisdom, and self-awareness. Each relationship that fails brings you a step closer to relationship bliss.

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and you will treat each one as an opportunity to learn about yourself, to make positive changes for the future, and to move closer and closer to the life and love you want.

There is something valuable to gain from every relationship you have, whether it’s a relationship with a romantic partner, a relationship with a friend, or your relationship with your parents ... and most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself. Each has something to offer when your mind is open to it, and each is an opportunity for growth served up on a silver platter.

Principle #2: You cannot be fully yourself if you cut out pieces of who you are.

those accordion-pleated paper dolls. The ones with holes were discarded ... but the whole, solid and complete ones were praised and cherished, perhaps given names. The only way to develop your skills in the art form of being whole – or in any art form, for that matter – is practice and experience. Experience brings a rush of self-

extremely attractive to men and downright required when it comes to laying the foundation for love. As you know from earlier in this chapter, self-esteem and self-awareness are key in the search for a soul mate, and a woman who ignores parts of her past and parts of

Life is chock-full of challenges. You have experienced challenges. I have experienced challenges. The woman sitting next to you on the bus has experienced challenges, and the CEO giving a motivational speech on television has probably experienced more challenges than all three put together.

Perhaps you grew up in an environment in which there was no intimacy. Or maybe you lacked positive role models in your childhood. Perhaps

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maybe your dad wore those ugly plaid pants and white shoes, or, even worse, leisure suits, and embarrassed the holy hell out of you in front of your friends.) You’ve been disappointed and hurt, or demoralized, as in the case above.

You probably experienced pain, but you do not have to feel suffering.

Cutting out pieces of your life, even the painful ones, does not serve you. When you acknowledge that every single one of those challenges has formed you as a person, you can then reevaluate those experiences

to you. Get creative and look deep within yourself. Understand what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, then override any behaviors that aren’t serving you in a positive way.

Commit to becoming a wholly integrated woman who is self-aware,

problems you’ve experienced, or who you think you are. What matters is what you create from that chaos. What matters is how you react to them and the meaning you choose to give them. Decide who you want to be, decide how you’re going to get there, and start taking those steps. Your past has lessons to offer, but you are not your past.

Principle #3: It is impossible to break patterns if you do not understand them.

as, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” The source of the quote is disputed, but the meaning is not. When I became frustrated that none of my relationships were working out, I asked myself, “What happened?” What was going on? It didn’t

I had fal len into a rut of patterns that were causing my relationships to end, and if I truly wanted to stop the cycle I had to examine myself until I could identify those patterns and then eliminate them.

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I had fallen into a rut of patterns that were causing my relationships to end, and if I truly wanted to stop the cycle I had to examine myself until I could identify those patterns and then eliminate them. The same goes for you.

Revealing your destructive patterns is one of the many ways your past can be used to serve you in a positive, constructive way. Has anyone ever asked if you have a type? Think about the woman who gets her thrills dating “bad boys.” He has a lousy track record with regard to relationships and employment,

pair of legs and doesn’t bother to hide it, not even in front of his date. He has been arrested a couple of times, but it was never his fault, the cops just like picking on him. He needs a break. You probably know that woman, or maybe you are that woman.

relationships with men who don’t respect her, treat her with love and kindness, or give her the attention and affection she craves. Additionally, they don’t pay attention to her needs and aren’t trustworthy. Over time, as one bad experience after another builds up, she starts wondering why all men are like that.

Are all men really like that? Of course not. It only seems that way because her dating pool is a perceived microcosm of men as a whole. But

and eliminated the patterns that are causing her to date the same kind of loser over and over again. To put it simply: If you have a “type” and you haven’t found the love of your life because your relationships keep falling apart, that type isn’t working for you.

Releasing past hurts and letting go of destructive patterns is a huge part of preparing for love.

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Releasing past hurts and letting go of destructive patterns is a huge part of preparing for love. I wasn’t kidding when I said that there are

but it is an essential part of the process. Ask yourself:

What are my relationship habits and patterns?How are they affecting my success with men?Where do they originate?What can I learn from them?How can I change (or eliminate) my habits and patterns so that they serve me better?

When you understand your patterns and you are committed to breaking

in life and love that you want and deserve.

Principle #4: Negativity needs to be neutralized.

takes some women a lifetime to learn, although some never learn. It shapes the quality of the relationships they have for the rest of their lives. Remember when I explained that the kinds of men you

It’s time to add another element to that: How you feel about yourself determines who you attract, and how you feel about dating in general affects how well your relationships function. This is a case in which opposites don’t attract. Negativity draws more negativity into your life and positivity breeds more positivity. That’s why it’s vital that negativity is neutralized.

nothing but negative thoughts about herself, men, and dating? Because she radiates negativity in so many areas of her life, her experiences are almost always negative. That, in turn, draws even more negative experiences and people into her life. This is the Law of Attraction at work.

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There are scads of information about the Law of Attraction from every self-help guru in the galaxy. It can be overwhelming for newcomers, so in this book, we’re just going to focus on the basics: The Law of Attraction is the belief that “like attracts like.” It’s that simple. Negative thinking brings about negative experiences, and positive thinking brings about positive experiences. The Law of Attraction theorizes that you have the power to attract into your life whatever you think about, because your dominant thoughts manifest in reality.

Natalie Ledwell, a successful entrepreneur in multiple industries—all of which relate to living up to your potential—has spent a lot of time on the Law of Attraction. I met with her to learn more about how it affects

she explained, “it’s important to be in a positive vibration.”

That positive vibration is the result of a wealth of constructive, life-

appreciation, optimism, and

you are holding on to negative emotions from past relationships, but it’s important to let them go.

If you want to be with a serious, long-term partner, you need to be in a positive place, because nobody will ever respect, like, or love you more

layer of your subconscious mind. If you don’t like what’s in there, then you need to change it.

Remember that you are not your past, and no relationship has the power

only be able to accept true love into your life when you come from a place of positivity.

Negative thinking brings about negative experiences, and positive thinking brings about positive experiences.


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at your past relationships like a hot-shot PR rep who needs to save the reputation of a politician. Look at them a little differently, with a positive spin that transforms your experiences from hurtful to helpful.

Pretend that you are a famous actress who is hosting a press conference to discuss what went wrong in your relationship. How would you truthfully describe your tale of woe? Notice that just about every star you have ever seen in that position almost always talks about what she learned. There’s a reason for that. This brings us back to the idea that

. Viewing previous relationships as mistakes or failures will draw more doomed relationships into your life.

Instead, reframe the past and try looking at it from a new perspective: Your previous relationships were stepping stones along the path to

Be grateful for what you have now and for what you have had in the past, and use your experiences as lessons for the future. Take conscious steps to bring great men and deep love into your life. Make an ongoing concerted effort to neutralize negativity once and for all. You cannot rewrite history, but you can reframe it. You are not your past, but you are responsible for determining the impact your past has on your future.

Your previous relationships were stepping stones along the path to f inding the man with whom you can blissful ly spend the rest of your life.

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Eliminate Your Limitations

I’ve mentioned the concept of limiting beliefs already, but now it’s time to take a look at what they really are, how they can stand in the way of

I’m about to tell you something that will change your life. Are you ready?. I know it

sounds a little crazy, but take a moment to think about Beth again. She believed in a reality in which she had no success with men, and that became her reality. She did it! She was so accustomed to doing it that she didn’t even have to think about it.

Beth’s bad experiences with men are a result of her limiting beliefs. She sees the world not as it really is, but rather as she is. This is why you hear so much about “the power of positive thinking” and The Law of Attraction. When you navigate the world with a positive mindset, you bring positive things into your life. How many times have we been told to have an “Attitude of Gratitude”? Likewise, when you walk through life with a negative mindset, your reality becomes entangled in that negativity.

Action StepIn this Action Step, we’re transforming negativity into positivity. Write down three experiences that you consider bad, hurtful, or discouraging. Then reframe them by making a list of the good things that came out of each one, such as useful lessons, insight into yourself, etc. Write as many as you can think of;; just aim to include at least two “positive” outcomes for each “negative” experience.

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Your belief system is the reason you are where you are in your life right now, and it’s through changing the limiting parts of that belief system that you will become the sexy, powerful, attractive woman you want to be.

Your beliefs are the thoughts and opinions you hold about yourself and the world. Your belief system functions much like a GPS, guiding your

the most common limiting beliefs that women hold include:

I’ve been hurt too many times.I am destined to be alone.I will never be loved.There’s something wrong with me.I don’t deserve to be happy.Men don’t like me because I’m too ...Everyone else has found love except for me.All men are ... I am not attractive enough.

Maybe you can relate to some of these examples. You may even have a few of your own. Or maybe your list is even longer, meaning you’ve

self-awareness. Before you can change a negative belief system, you must unearth the beliefs that are unhealthy and unproductive. Which

goals, or negatively impacting your relationships with men? Identifying

The next step of exterminating those limiting beliefs is deepening your understanding of them. Where did those notions originate? They may

47


have been a part of you since childhood, courtesy of a parent, a teacher,

about which you are in denial. Maybe you adopted your beliefs to conform to your friends’ beliefs or bad experiences with men. Understanding the source allows you to create a strategy for reversing it.

Step three is the most challenging and also the most rewarding. This is the “reconditioning,” where you review each and every limiting belief you

hold, and make a conscious effort to replace them with something new. Think of it as spring cleaning for the soul. When you uncover a belief that is limiting your potential, change it into a positive belief.

For example, the next time you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t believe another relationship has failed,” put a skidding brake on the negative self-talk, and replace it with a more constructive message like, “I’m learning more about who I am and what I need in a relationship, and

A statement like that brings a smile to your face ... the other attracts nothing but a brick wall and bump on the head.

Hacking computers is overrated ... the real magic happens when you learn to hack your brain. When your intention becomes transforming negative into positive, you reprogram your mind to work for you instead

system that is both irresistible to men and essential to love.

To celebrate the closing of this section, give me a loud: “IT’S ALL ABOUT ME!” How often do you get to yell that at the top of your lungs and mean it? Today is the day! In fact, every day you read this book, or work on the material, that day presents itself. Remember: I begin with myself.

Before you can change a negative belief system, you must unearth the beliefs that are unhealthy and unproductive.

48


Action StepIt’s reprogramming time! Get your wheels greased and turning to generate success and draw love into your life. Create a list of

of becoming your best self. For example:

I am free from fear.

I have the power to realize my goals.I accept myself completely.I am worthy of love and companionship.

present tense. Write them down, repeat them each and every time something happens in your life, and make the conscious decision of how to interpret every single event. Over time, this teaches you to consciously interpret whatever happens in life instead of making those same decisions subconsciously. It makes you an active participant in your own life instead of simply being swept along. It is the tool that lets you make whatever personal reality you want real.

end of free chapters

download the complete program

http://tinyurl.com/ENAttractYourMrRight

The 60-Day Transformation Program

Bikini Body Workouts™ by Jason & Jen Ferruggia

http://tinyurl.com/ENBikiniBodyWorkouts

Hi!

When we combined our respective skills and specialties and started Bikini Body Secret, in

2009, we remember the profound sense of appreciation mixed with gratitude that we felt

for our first customers. We made up our mind back then that above all else, we would give

everything to uphold and honour the trust that they put in us by investing in our products

and services. It really is a sacred trust. And we’re so thankful that we understand that.

If we were to violate that trust, our business would soon shrivel up and die. To this day,

we’re proud to say that we still feel honoured each and every time that someone like you

invests in what we have to offer. You are the lifeblood of our business. Your willingness to

put your trust in us is a huge thing in our eyes. And, in the simplest possible way, we want to

convey our profound appreciation for that trust.

THANK YOU!

We are here to serve you. We will help you in every way that we can. We put everything

into our products and services. We bust our tails to deliver value to you. Because we firmly

believe in the Golden Rule. We understand that our business is built on servicing one

customer at a time – and that each customer is a person with goals and dreams that are

unique – and of paramount importance to her.

So...thank you. Thank you for believing in us and trusting in us. We won’t let you down. We

want you to have success, health and body that you desire. We want you to realize your

potential and become the person you know in your heart you can...

....and then we want you to tell everyone who will listen that we helped you do it!

You can do it. You can have the body, health and lifestyle of your dreams if you are

willing to do what is necessary to achieve it. There is no “magic bullet” that will

miraculously transform your body. But there are tested and proven protocols that we

have used with countless clients that will enable you to get to where you want – faster

than you could ever imagine!

www.bikinibodyworkouts.com


What you are about to take part in is truly the Ultimate 28 Day Rapid Fat Loss

System.

We will give you the ball. Will you run with it, with the understanding that life is

short and all you really have is here and now...or will you stand and look around,

finding excuses why you can’t meet the challenge?

The sad truth is that only a small percentage of people are willing to run with the

ball. Most prefer to stay in the comfort zone and never find out what they are capable

of – they never meet the challenge and run with it. And they regret it later.

Our philosophy is “NO REGRETS”. And we sincerely hope that is yours also. We

sincerely hope that you will take the ball and run with it. Because if you don’t, you

will never know what could have been. And that’s no way to live.

Make your dreams reality. Make your body the way you want it to be. Ultimately

what happens to you is COMPLETELY within your control. Don’t abdicate

responsibility for your body, your health and your life. Seize the day! And do it now!

Thank you once again for your support and trust. We want to make this the most life

changing experience possible for you, and are dedicated to getting you into the best

Bikini Body Shape of Your Life.



Before you Start

On the morning of your first day weigh yourself as soon as you get out of bed. Secondly,

measure your waist (through your bellybutton). Third, take a picture of yourself wearing

shorts and a sports bra (very important – it gives you a base photo from which to work with

and will serve as motivation and an accurate picture of how far you have come from day

one.) Get yourself a flip file and store these items in there – we will be reviewing them at

the end of the program.

Are you a Category 1 or a Category 2?

Category 1:

You are a Category 1 if you:

Are not used to regular exercise

Regularly skip breakfast

Regularly eat fast food

Regularly eat processed food or refined carbohydrates

Have struggled to maintain healthy eating habits with previous diets

Drink a lot of calorie containing beverages

Category 2:

You are a Category 2 if you:

Are used to regular exercise

Make healthy eating choices at least 90 % of the time

Don’t eat fast food

Don’t eat processed food or refined carbohydrates

Drink water as your main beverage



The goal is to ultimately be a Category 2 – that is where the magic happens with body

composition, hormonal balance, health and energy.

That being said, if you are not used to eating in that fashion it will be a very hard approach

to suddenly adopt. We recommend a stepped approach, by first adopting some basic new

nutrition habits and getting used to them and getting the maximum fat loss benefits from

them and the increased exercise, and then moving onto a more detailed and “restrictive”

approach. We promise that you will lose weight on both approaches, depending which

category you fall into. And once you have become accustomed to the habits in Category 1 (3

– 4 weeks), it will be relatively easy to transition into Category 2.

What You Should Eat: Category 1

Before we start worrying about protein ratios, healthy fat etc - we need to get some habits:

Here is what I am going to suggest:

1. Eat Breakfast

2. Eliminate all refined sugar from your diet

3. Drink more zero calorie fluids (particularly water)

4. If you drink alcohol – drink 50% less

5. Reduce carbohydrates by a few bits per meal. So, if you eat a burger and chips for lunch

then don’t eat ALL the chips. If you eat them all start over on day 1.

6. Exercise 5 days per week for 30 minutes (training is already 3 days - so do something on

your other 2 days). What type? It doesn’t matter…just do something!



7. If you think it’s not a good food choice, then DON’T eat it. There’s more food choice

education out there then there has ever been in history. I think you know that potato chips

are not better than a salad for an appetizer, ice cream is not better than fruit, etc.

You are going to eat according to these rules for 3 weeks continuously. It is very important

that we address these basic habits, before trying to get fancy. Weight loss will still occur

rapidly, because you are adding in the appropriate exercise with the bootcamp classes, as

well as refining your food habits. If you can follow these easy guidelines you are already

doing better than almost 90 % of the population and will have a very solid foundation to

start with the next phase. If you aren’t able to follow these guidelines, it will be very hard to

follow the guidelines for phase 2. So it is very important that we build these basic habits as a

foundation and can grow from there.

What You Should Eat: Category 2

The list below is not an exhaustive list, but it makes things easy to have an idea of what you

are going to eat. Buy enough to last you for at least a week and feel free to substitute your

favourites in here. We are not going to insult your intelligence by telling you what a fruit or

a vegetable is. I encourage you to experiment with some varieties that you have never tried

before. When buying fruit and vegetables, think of the rainbow and buy a whole lot of

different types.

Proteins Fruits Vegetables Fats

Wild salmon Apples Broccoli Avocados

Chicken Berries Spinach Butter

Grass fed beef Pears Rocket Olive Oil

Fish Stone fruits Cauliflower Nut Butters

Eggs Mango Carrots Coconut Oil

Turkey Pawpaw Mushrooms Macadamia Oil

Lamb Kiwi Fruit Cabbage Various Nuts



You have free reign to substitute whatever varieties of the different food groups that you

desire. The above table is just a starting point. For the purposes of the 28 day rapid fat loss

diet, it is useful to have a list to work off, but feel free to experiment with whichever fruits,

vegetables and proteins you desire – and make sure not to only rely on one or two

favourites! Variety is very important. You are able to substitute a 30 g serving of protein

powder (explained later) for a protein source.

What You Should Supplement

In addition to the food list, there are a few supplements that are highly recommended.

These will really make a difference to the program.

The First is Fish Oil. Fish oil will boost your metabolism (leading to automatic fat loss –

without changing another thing), turn on your fat burning genes, improve your mood,

reduce your cravings and make your joints feel incredible. It really is a marvellous

supplement. We use a liquid fish oil, called Carlson’s. It is a great combination of flavour and

quality. When buying fish oil, it is important to get a high quality one (usually available from

a natural foods store, you will have to talk to the Naturopath on duty). Two other brands

that we recommend are Bioceuticals and Nordic Naturals. These are available in capsule

form, for those that prefer.

The second recommended supplement is a great multivitamin. Once again it is important to

get a good one, and we recommend Metagenics. With multivitamins you get what you pay

for, and most of the multivitamins that you would buy in pharmacies etc are basically going

to turn into expensive urine! Make sure that your multivitamin is a pharmaceutical grade

one – you definitely get what you pay for and will feel the difference.

The third supplement we recommend is a high quality protein powder. In Australia, Horleys

Ice is our favourite for people that can tolerate dairy, and Sun Warrior Rice Protein for those

who can’t. Both of these are very high quality and nice tasting. The reason for a high quality

protein powder is basically convenience. It is sometimes hard to get quality protein at 4

meals a day and protein powders bridge this gap beautifully. Quick, easy and convenient.



The last supplement we recommend is chocolate. Chocolate? Yes, it is a great source of anti

oxidants and will reduce your cravings for other sweets as well as positively impacting your

mood. Don’t just get any chocolate – it has to be 85 % cocoa, so no Cadbury’s Dairy Milk!

85% dark chocolate is available from all good health stores and usually comes in chunks.

What You Should Drink

There are only three drinks that you are to consume on this program. Water, green tea and

organic black coffee. Green tea and black coffee will speed up your metabolism (just make

sure to only consume two coffees a day) and are loaded with antioxidants. You can’t drink

enough water on this program. I hesitate to give numbers, but 3 – 4 litres would be great.

Yes – that sounds like a lot. And Yes – if you’re not used to that amount of water you will be

going to the toilet a lot more.

Build up to that amount . If you’re not used to drinking so much just keep adding a few

glasses a day until you reach it. Your cells, skin, and energy levels will thank you for it!

Make sure to drink your water out of glass or stainless steel bottles. No plastic!

Plastic leaks estrogen metabolites and Bisphenol A, which will hinder your fat loss as well as

contributing heavily to risk of cancer.



Putting it Together

Now you know what to eat, how much are you going to eat? We’re going to make this

as simple as possible.

The Rules:

1. You are going to eat 4 times a day – 3 meals and a snack

2. You are going to eat a piece of protein the size of your palm at each main meal (3 times a

day) or 30 g of protein powder

3. You are going to have as many vegetables as you desire at each meal and/or a serving of

fruit

4. You are going to have a serving of healthy fats with each meal

5. You will not drink any calorie containing drinks (only water, black coffee and green tea)

6. You will consume fish oil, and multivitamins at two or three of your meals.

7. You are going to break the rules at ONE meal a week - that’s a rule/order!

8. You are to eat 20 g of chocolate a day as a snack

8 Simple Rules – how easy is that?

Let’s Break them down on the next page:



Rule Number 1:

It is important to eat regularly. Many popular diets nowadays will have you eating 6 - 8

times a day. The many small meals a day hypotheses. This hypotheses is grounded in some

scientific studies that correlated frequent eating with increased metabolism. The studies are

shaky at best, and their have been subsequent studies to disprove the hypotheses.

Honestly? Who has time to eat 6 - 8 times a day? Unless you’re a professional bodybuilder -

you really only need to eat 4 times a day – 3 meals and a snack. This gives you plenty of time

to digest your meals in between feedings. It also allows you to eat a more substantial meal

at each feeding and not feeling like you are always hungry and always eating minuscule

portions.

Rule Number 2:

Lean protein is a cornerstone of the program - it is important that you get adequate protein

throughout the day. This will insure that you feel full, as well as contribute to fat loss by

raising your BMR (basal metabolic rate - in short - how many calories you are burning every

second). It is vital that you get protein during your first meal of the day. By eating a protein

and fat rich breakfast, you are setting your neurotransmitters up perfectly for the

subsequent day. By just implementing this simple trick, and eliminating the vegemite toast

and orange juice you will feel fuller throughout the day and won’t experience the mid

afternoon energy crash! Protein keeps you fuller for longer and is very important for optimal

health.

Rule Number 3:

You are to eat as many vegetables as you desire. Vegetables are thermogenic (meaning they

burn fat) as well as fibrous - which keeps you full for longer. It is important to get a varied

supply of nutrients and phytonutrients, and vegetables and fruits definitely fit the bill here!

Vegetables also have a negligible effect on blood sugar and on the whole do not have a lot

of calories - so you are safe to eat them in substantial quantities. Fruit is also really healthy.



You cannot eat it in unlimited quantities though, as it is more calorie dense - try and limit it

to 2 servings of fruit a day. A serving of fruit or vegetables is equal to a cup size.

Rule Number 4:

You are to eat a serving of healthy fats at each meal. On a program like this, where refined,

unhealthy carbohydrates are limited - it is important to eat healthy fats as an energy source.

Healthy fats are monounsaturated fats (like olive oil and avocado) and polyunsaturated fats

(like fish oil and certain nuts). You don’t want to go overboard on fats, generally a serving

size is equal to a tablespoon of oil, a small handful of nuts or half an avocado. By

incorporating more healthy fats into your diet you will experience better skin, nails,

increased fat loss and an increased feeling of satiety and satisfaction between meals.

Rule Number 5:

As mentioned before, you are limited to non-calorie containing beverages (NO - diet

Coke doesn’t count!). Black or Green Tea, Black Coffee or Water. By drinking things like

juices, cola, milk etc you are really contributing to your overall calorie count with needless

“empty calories”, not to mention ingesting lots of chemicals and sugar which are terribly

unhealthy.

Rule Number 6:

Try and spread your fish oil and multivitamins out over at least 2 meals (the more the

better).

With fish oil:

Depending on which brand of fish oil you take you are going to be having 3 g (not 3

capsules) of the active EPA/DHA (check the back) spread out over a couple of meals. This

may seem like a lot - but bear in mind that the therapeutic dosage of fish oil is between 3 - 6

g of Active EPA /DHA (10 - 20 capsules of an average brand), so it is the low end of that. 1 or

2 capsules a day is not going to cut it! Make sure that you check the back of the bottle to see



how many capsules you will need to take to get your 3 g of EPA/DHA, as various

manufacturers will have differing amounts. Generally the higher the quality the less you

will need to take to get your recommended dose.

Rule Number 7:

Break the rules at least once a week. As a professional fitness coach, I have found that it

takes a superhuman effort of will to stick to a rigid eating plan 100 % of the time. If you

know that you are going to be able to eat your favourite treat on a Saturday night, it makes

it a lot easier to be good on a Thursday afternoon when your boss is stressing you out and

you are craving a Mars Bar. So, once a week allow yourself a treat meal of whatever you feel

like. I find that it is always best to plan this - that way you are in control and can decide

exactly what you want, rather than giving in to a craving. So, on Saturday night eat your

favourite pizza and some ice cream, or go out to your favourite restaurant and order your

favourite. You will enjoy it all the more because it is a treat and a reward for your previous

lean eating and your body and mind will thank you for it.

Rule Number 8:

That can’t be right - is that a mistake? What kind of fitness professional recommends

chocolate? The clever ones...! Dark chocolate (85 % or more) is a very powerful Superfood

that will raise your serotonin and dopamine levels. When these are low, you feel

unmotivated, depressed and you crave carbohydrates and sweets. By raising them up you

will feel awesome, and as though you are not on a diet.

So, as your mid afternoon snack, I urge you to give a piece of dark chocolate a try, along

with a small handful (about 10 - 12) of nuts. 20 g of dark chocolate is recommended - no

more. There will be no more mid afternoon snack attacks, energy crashes and raised

tempers when you implement this strategy! Make sure to eat it slowly and consciously,

savour each little piece. Chocolate is a healthy, nutritious Superfood that will improve your

mood and contribute positively to your fat loss efforts. And besides - it’s chocolate - what

more needs to be said?!



A Typical Day Of Eating In This Style

Breakfast

Supershake (30 g protein powder, berries, small handful of nuts, half a banana, small

handful spinach)

Multivitamins and fish oil

Lunch

Huge green salad (with spinach, carrots, tomatoes, onion, broccoli florets), chicken

tenderloins and drizzled with macadamia oil

Mid Afternoon

20 g dark chocolate and small handful cashews

Dinner

Beef Steak with veggies and a side salad. Berries for dessert

Multivitamins and fish oil



Final Thoughts:

There you go - easy hey? This lean eating thing does not have to be complicated. No

counting calories. If you need to count calories you are eating the wrong things - your body

will naturally eat the right amounts of the right foods. If you eat like this you can expect a

better mood, a better body and increased levels of energy and stamina. Your joints, skin,

hair and nails will be better and you will feel amazing!

We are trying to create habits that will take you through the rest of your life.

Because what is the point in going on some celebrity whizz bang incredible diet where you

have to count calories and eat certain foods in perfect combinations and are never allowed

to have your favourite foods - sounds terrible to me. And when all your friends are going on

these diets and raving about their magic results and then showing up two months later

fatter and more confused - show them how you are eating - easily, nutritiously and

pleasurably. It’s the only way to do things!



Complete Program


Documents

Attract Your Mr.Right PDF, eBook by Tara Sparks