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BAD AIRBy D. M. Larson

Cast of Characters

EVA: Actress who is toying with Ricky. RICK: A man who has been treated badly by Eva.

EVA

(EVA enters Room. Goes to embrace RICK)

Now that this is all over, why dont you come back to my apartment

RICK

(Pushes EVA away)

Thanks but no thanks.

EVA

( Feel Hurts) What do you mean?

RICK

I have a confession to make.

EVA

What?

RICK

I dont like you.

EVA

Not even a little?

RICK

I thought I liked you. Before I met you I practically worshiped you. But the woman I see on TV

isnt the one I see here before me now.

EVA

Maybe youre thinking of that Jessica Alba. People are always getting us confused.

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RICK

Somebodys confused. Thats for sure.

EVA

Why are you still upset? Daddy is going to marry Cami and unite the factions of Craphvia. Well

finally have peace.

RICK

Power corrupts, Eva. Cami will be put on display and things will quiet down for awhile. But

things wont change. They never do.

EVA

I dont even know why I like you. You depress me.

RICK

Go then. Im not stopping you. The snow is melting and youre free.

EVA

Fine. Ill go. But youll regret this. Youll never have a chance to be with someone like me ever

again.

RICK

You promise?

EVA

(Breaks down crying)

Youre the wicked one now. How can you be so hurtful?

RICK

(Trying not to give in)

Those real or fake tears?

EVA

What do you care?

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RICK

Eva, Im sorry. I dont mean to be so cold, but you must admit, you havent treated me very welltonight.

EVA

I dont treat anyone very well.

RICK

Do you know why?

EVA

Maybe I try to make people hate me, because its doesnt hurt so much when they leave me.

RICK

Like your mother?

EVA

Mind your ownbusiness. I dont need you to psychoanalyze me.

RICK

Im sorry. Please, dont be mad. Im just trying to help.

EVA

The best way to help me is to leave me alone.

RICK

Fine, Eva. Go. Forgive me for trying to be nice.

EVA

Nice? You call this nice? Rejecting me, telling me Im a horrible person

RICK

Thats not what Im saying.

EVA

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Then what are you saying?

RICK

Try being friendly once in a while. Be yourself and dont put on an act.

EVA

What if no one likes me that way?

RICK

Someone will. I believe we all have someone special waiting for us.

EVA

I hope youre right.

RICK

I know Im right.

EVA

Rick? Do you think you could be that someone special?

RICK

I dont know, Eva. Lets give it some time. Right now, Im tired, hungry and confused.

EVA

Is it okay if I look you up sometime?

RICK

I dont know. I dont know anything right now. But one things for sure.

EVA

Whats that Rick?

RICK

Time will answer it. Bye Eva!!!

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The Box by Rich Smolen

Characters:

Man Young Man Old Man

(Stage is bare, except for a bus stop sign downstage right. Upstage wall has a few black andwhite framed photos; a tripod is lying on the ground next to the wall. YOUNG MAN and MAN

enter from upstage left and cross to the bus stop. There is a camera around YOUNG MAN'S

neck.)

YOUNG MAN Well, here we are.

MAN Here we are.

YOUNG MAN I'll see you later....

MAN Same time and place....

(His voice trails off as he looks for the bus)

YOUNG MAN As usual.

MAN (MAN nods in absentminded agreement, still looking for bus. He stops suddenly and looks

into audience.)

Uh-oh.

YOUNG MAN What is it?

MAN Uh-oh.

YOUNG MAN Did you forget something?

MAN Uh-huh.

YOUNG MAN Forget your fare?

MAN No.

YOUNG MAN What, then?

MAN My box! I forgot my box. Wait here?

(MAN runs off stage)

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YOUNG MAN Your what?

(MAN returns with a large cardboard box)

MAN I didn't miss the bus did I?

YOUNG MAN You were hardly gone ten seconds. What's--

MAN Good. I'll see you later.

YOUNG MAN OK. Later.

(YOUNG MAN is obviously curious as to contents of box. He bends to look inside as MANpulls box away. This action becomes more exaggerated through the next couple of lines)

MAN Good morning.

YOUNG MAN Yes, good morning....

MAN Have a good day.

YOUNG MAN Yes, thank you, you too....

MAN (pause) Is there something else?

YOUNG MAN Oh, no, not really, I was just....

MAN Don't you have to go soon?

YOUNG MAN Well, yes...soon--

MAN Didn't the studio call you in early today?

YOUNG MAN Yes, but--

MAN Yes?

YOUNG MAN I was just wondering...(pause, clears throat)...just wondering what's in the box?

MAN You want to know what's in my box?

YOUNG MAN Umm, yes...if you don't mind telling me...?

MAN (pause) You want to know what's in here?

(MAN gestures to box. YOUNG MAN starts to nod.)

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Or what's in here? Eh?

(MAN gestures to his head. MAN nods, laughs at his own joke)

YOUNG MAN I mean what's in here.

(YOUNG MAN points to cardboard box)

MAN You don't find my joke very funny.

YOUNG MAN Oh. No, I just wanted to know....

MAN You want to know why? Because it wasn't a joke!

(MAN is serious for a moment, his eyes widen; then breaks out into laugh.)

It's the same thing!

YOUNG MAN What?

MAN (very slowly) The same thing. Here

(MAN gestures to box)

and here.

(MAN gestures to head)

YOUNG MAN (pause, look of confusion) I don't understand. (pause) What's in the box?

MAN Nothing.

YOUNG MAN Nothing?

MAN (MAN who has been half-joking until now becomes serious, almost threatening)

Nothing.

YOUNG MAN (pause) Why do you have a box...of nothing?

MAN Well, I have a box....

YOUNG MAN Yes.

MAN And it sure looks like something...doesn't it?

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YOUNG MAN Yes...

MAN But, in fact...

(MAN turns box upside down)

it's nothing!!!

YOUNG MAN What do you do with a box of nothing?

MAN You find something to put in it.

YOUNG MAN Like what? I could give you something.

MAN I've had this box for a long time. Don't you think if it were that easy I'd have something by

now?

YOUNG MAN What sort of thing are you looking for? Do you want my camera? I could give

you my camera!

MAN What is the use of a camera?

YOUNG MAN Excuse me? THIS is a Nikon 35 millimeter, automatic focus, automatic flash,

auto load, auto rewind, it's got a telephoto lens, rapid rewind for action shots--

MAN What would I do with a camera?

YOUNG MAN Take a picture?

MAN Of what? My box?? Then I'd have two empty boxes to fill.

(MAN looks for bus. YOUNG MAN walks upstage, sets up tripod. OLD MAN enters,downstage left. MAN sees OLD MAN and looks around in panic for a place to hide box. He

finally hides it in plain view, center stage, and returns to bus stop. OLD MAN sees MAN and

crosses to him, also waiting for bus.)

MAN I got a box.

(FRIEND, apparently not in scene, sets up camera on tripod, upstage)

OLD MAN What?

MAN I got a box.

OLD MAN I got a headache.

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MAN Do you hear me?

OLD MAN AND, I got a backache. (pause) A box? (short pause) Let me see.

MAN No. It's all I got. It's my box. It's all I got.

OLD MAN (patronizing) Well, what kind of box is it, then?

MAN It's a big box. Big enough.

OLD MAN Is it...a metal box?

MAN No, it's a cardboard box. It's mine.

OLD MAN (still patronizing, but slightly annoyed) Can you carry it?

MAN Of course I can--it's my box!

OLD MAN (long pause) I got somethin' too.

MAN Yeah?

OLD MAN (mocking) Yeah. Better than a box.

MAN Better?

OLD MAN Yeah. It's in my pocket.

(He pats his front pocket)

I'll trade it for your box.

MAN Trade what?

OLD MAN What's in my pocket.

MAN I don't know.

OLD MAN No, I'm telling you. What's in my pocket. I'll trade for your box.

MAN What's in your pocket?

OLD MAN What's in your box?

MAN Now I asked you first. What's in your pocket?

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OLD MAN It doesn't matter...if you don't want to trade...if you want to trade, I'll tell you.

MAN No, I have to know....You do have something?

OLD MAN (sarcastic) No. Yes, I have something. (long pause) Well?

MAN (pause) All right.

OLD MAN We have an agreement, then?

MAN Yes.

YOUNG MAN (YOUNG MAN enters scene from upstage) No.

OLD MAN Excuse me?

YOUNG MAN (to MAN) There is no agreement yet.

OLD MAN Listen young man, I don't know who you are but I have made a deal here--

YOUNG MAN ( to OLD MAN) Apparently you DO know who I am. And I know you, old man.

OLD MAN Then we are on equal ground, but I have made a verbal agreement, and I intend to

carry out--

YOUNG MAN (to MAN) Hey, man--I have something, too. Why don't you trade with ME?

MAN I--

OLD MAN It's too late, he has agreed to trade with me.

YOUNG MAN That was before he knew that I had something better than you.

MAN Look--I really don't care which one--

OLD MAN You made the agreement with me. Are you going reneg on your agreement? Are you

going to break your word--

YOUNG MAN Are you going to listen to this clown? I have something better to trade. You willtrade with me.

OLD MAN You will shut your mouth before I--

YOUNG MAN Before you what, old man?

MAN Listen, I think--

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YOUNG MAN No one cares what you think.

OLD MAN Why don't you shut up and let him speak.

MAN (to YOUNG MAN) Look, I just want something, I already agreed--

YOUNG MAN You will trade with me, or you will not trade at all.

OLD MAN Don't be ridiculous.

YOUNG MAN Take one more step towards me, old man, take one more step.

MAN I don't want trouble--

YOUNG MAN I'll kill you, old man, come closer and I'll--

MAN Please--

OLD MAN Let's make the trade now. Where's your box?

YOUNG MAN Go get your box. But the trade will be with me.

(MAN hesitates, then moves towards box.)

Is that the box over there?

(YOUNG MAN points to box. OLD MAN looks. YOUNG MAN strikes OLD MAN from

behind; OLD MAN falls to ground, motionless. YOUNG MAN looks around, visibly anxiousand upset after assaulting OLD MAN. YOUNG MAN runs over to MAN who has just picked upbox. YOUNG MAN grabs box and pushes MAN away to the side.)

This box is empty?!? This is worthless! All this for nothing!

(YOUNG MAN throws box to MAN who catches it. YOUNG MAN runs to camera and tripod,

grabs them, and runs off stage.)

MAN (calling after YOUNG MAN) Wait! (silence)

(MAN looks into box)

(long pause) Nothing. (pause) Worthless.

(MAN looks around)

(pause) Alone. (pause) I hate alone!

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(MAN crosses to OLD MAN, tries to revive him, but fails)

(pause) Nothing. (pause) I hate nothing!

(MAN throws box down. Sound of something shattering in box. MAN kneels in front of box.

Lights fade except for red down light, illuminating only MAN's head and box. MAN looks downat box, then looks up at source of light. Light fades.)

CURTAIN

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Giving You My HeartBY D. M. Larson

In the Meeting Room. Day.

There is a classroom with a bunch of chairs. Carl enters and starts arranging them in a circle.

They have to be perfectly in line and spaced or he isn't happy. Elmer enters and grabs a chair outof the circle and moves it totally out of alignment. Carl gets upset and starts pacing. He goestoward Elmer but then stops and goes back to chairs. But he can't focus on anything but Elmer's

chair so he goes back and forth. Meanwhile Elmer gets out a notebook, pencil and eraser. He

sharpens the pencil and let's the shavings fall on the floor. Carl runs to get a trash can and puts itunder the sharpener. Elmer inspects the pencil. Carl steps away. Elmer sharpens more on other

side. Carl rushes to move can but Elmer stops and starts drawing. Daisy enters. She is chewing

on her fingers and her hair is a mess. She rushes to the nearest chair and grabs the seat to make

herself stop chewing. Carl gets to her and looks at her nervously. She sees his chair pattern andmoves her chair to fit his circle. Carl finishes and then paces back and forth between Elmer and

Daisy. He walks away from the chair, makes upset sounds and sticks his fingers in his ears. He

calms and then returns. Elmer doesn't move. He walks away again, plugs his ears and hums.Finally he returns. He starts pulling at his nose and moaning louder. Daisy sits and rocksnervously. Daisy looks back and forth to Carl and Elmer. She gets up and immediately chews on

her fingers. Daisy goes and moves her chair next to Elmer so it aligns to a new pattern. She then

moves another chair and tries to grab Carl. He won't let her grab him but follows her to thechair. Daisy fixes the other chairs to align to a new pattern to meet both Elmer and Carl's

expectations. Carl walks once around the circle and adjust a few chairs and then sits happily.

Daisy sits between Carl and Elmer. They all sit quietly a moment. Daisy gets some hearts out of

her purse. They are big homemade heart cards. She holds one out to Elmer. He ignores her. Sheholds one out to Carl.

DAISY

I'm giving you my heart.

He looks at it suspiciously. He suddenly grabs it cobra fast, so fast that Daisy is startled. Carl

looks at the heart and folds it in half. He rushes to find some scissors in the room. He finds someand starts trimming the heart to make it a perfect heart shape. Daisy watches sadly. Elmer is

getting a new pencil sharpened. Daisy goes up to him and looks at his picture.

DAISY

A Princess.

Elmer is startled. He throws down his pencil and covers the picture.

ELMER

I hate it.

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DAISY

It's... pretty.

ELMER

I hate it.

Elmer stuffs it in the garbage can. Then he quickly gathers his stuff and jams it into his bag.

Daisy steps back and bites her fingers and rocks. Elmer is making angry sounds and starts

pushing chairs around. Carl stands up and drops the tiny heart he has left after cutting itrepeatedly and gasps. Daisy goes to the garbage can. She debates about getting it out but can't

bring herself to pull it out. She bends down and looks at it.

DAISY

Pretty.

Carl grabs two or three chairs and makes a little fort for himself to hide in upstage. Elmer falls tothe floor with his bag clutched to him. He's shaking. Daisy gets another heart out of her purse.

She cautiously goes to Elmer and sits near him. She holds out the heart to him. Elmer starts

crying.

DAISY

I'm giving you my heart.

Elmer turns to her and instead of taking the heart he embraces her and holds her tight, almost tothe point of where she feels she might break. She struggles but doesn't want him to let go. She

struggles to bring her arms down to hold him back. Finally after much effort, she does.

END OF PLAY

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PITY THE FOOL

A man, JEORGE, hangs on the wall as a part of a modern art piece. People walk through thegallery and look at the odd pieces of modern art. A couple of woman, SAGE and MARY stop at

the man.

SAGE

What's this?

MARY

It's called "Pity the Fool."

SAGE

It's amazing. The man looks so lifelike.

MARY

It's like he could walk right out of the painting and talk to us.

Suddenly Jeorge's eyes pop open and the women are startled.

JEORGE

Do you have any water?

His eyes close again. Sage and Mary look at each other and then the painting again.

SAGE

You heard that right?

MARY

Yeah.

JEORGE

Water.

SAGE

I'll get some water.

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Sage leaves. Mary wants to follow and doesn't want to be left alone.

JEORGE

Wait. Please.

Mary reluctantly stops. She looks around but is alone. She cautiously returns.

MARY

What? Uh... who? I mean...

JEORGE

Why am I here?

MARY

Sure... let's ask that question.

JEORGE

This is my self portrait.

MARY

Pity the fool?

JEORGE

Yes.

MARY

Well... it's working. I feel sorry for you.

JEORGE

Everyone does.

MARY

Oh...

Mary looks around nervously hoping Sage will return. Jeorge climbs down off the background

and sits at the edge of the art looking very hurt and sad. Sage returns with some bottled water.

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SAGE

Found some water.

Jeorge takes it from her and gives a weak smile.

JEORGE

Thank you.

Jeorge drinks and lets the water refresh him. Mary and Sage look at each other and then at

Jeorge nervously.

MARY

So uh... this is a self-portrait.

SAGE

You're the artist?

JEORGE

Yes.

SAGE

I have to say I've never seen anything like this.

JEORGE

It's a variation on the living statue idea.

MARY

So not original?

JEORGE

Not really.

They are all quiet a moment.

SAGe

Well, I've never seen anything like it.

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JEORGE

Then you haven't been out much.

SAGE

What? Look, we're trying to be nice.

JEORGE

Because you pity me.

MARY

That's what you want isn't it?

JEORGE

How do you know what I want?!

Sage and Mary start to back away. Jeorge curls up at the bottom of his art.

SAGE

Look. I think you're a little too much of a method artist.

Jeorge is starting to cry.

MARY

Is he crying?

SAGE

Let's get out of here before he totally flips out.

MARY

But he's so sad.

SAGE

It's some twisted performance art I think.

Mary

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You have to admit. It's pretty original.

SAGE

Just because it is different, doesn't mean it's good.

Jeorge looks up sadly at Sage.

JEORGE

You... you don't think it's good?

SAGe

Let's go.

Sage tries to go but Mary doesn't leave.

MARY

I think it's one of the most interesting things I've ever seen.

JEORGE

You're just saying that to be nice. You don't really feel that way.

MARY

I do. Really. Art is always so bland and two dimensional. Your work is so... alive... literally.

Jeorge gives Sage a pouty look.

JEORGE

She hates it though.

Sage gives him a dirty look and Jeorge gets sad and collapses in to his art.

MARY

Say something nice to him.

SAGE

What? No.

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MARY

Do it.

Sage reluctantly goes up to Jeorge. Mary pushes her closer and Sage slaps her hand away. Sage

is next to him.

SAGE

Okay, I have to admit. This is the most unusual... (Mary pokes her) ...different... most creative

piece of art here tonight.

Jeorge says weakly:

JEORGE

Thank you.

Sage turns to Mary and pulls her away.

SAGE

Can we go now?

MARY

You go. I'll catch up in a minute.

SAGE

Whatever.

Sage leaves. Mary goes up to Jeorge and kneels down next to him.

MARY

What happened to you that inspired this?

Jeorge sits up slowly and looks up at his background.

JEORGE

It's a long story. Everything you see here represents something that's happen in my life that has

brought me to this point.

MARY

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The images are stunning. I've never seen a work of art with so much story to it. I could probably

sit here for hours trying to figure it all out.

JEORGE

Stay then.

MARY

I have to go... how long will you be... on display?

JEORGE

This is the last night. I'll hopefully be showing this in other galleries though.

Mary gives him a business card.

MARY

I would like to see you... and your work again. Here's my number. Call me when you're showing

this again.

JEORGE

I will.

MARY

I better go. Great work on this. It's very moving.

Jeorge gives a weak smile and waves good-bye as Mary leaves. He climbs back up in to his

original position. Frank enters and goes up to Jeorge.

FRANK

You got another number didn't you?

JEORGE

Yup.

FRANK

There has to be an easier way to pick up women.

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JEORGE

What can I say. I'm a fool.

FRANK

Ain't that the truth.

THE END

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"LOOKS GET IN THE WAY" by D. M. Larson

There is a nice restaurant with a bit of a romantic atmosphere. A woman in a little old lady mask

(Sidney) is sitting at the down center table sitting across from an empty chair. A man, Tony,

walks up to the table. He stops and gives a funny look at Sidney.

TONY

Uh... I think I have the wrong table?

Sidney speaks in an old lady voice.

SIDNEY

Who you looking for, honey?

TONY

Sidney.

SIDNEY

That's me.

TONY

What?

SIDNEY

I'm Sidney.

TONY

Is this a joke?

SIDNEY

Are you Tony? You're late. I thought you'd be here at 5.

TONY

I've gotta go. Uh... I just wanted to tell you that Tony can't make it.

Tony leaves. Sidney does her regular voice.

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SIDNEY

See you later, loser.

A waitress (or waiter) brings Sidney an appetizer. Sidney eats it through the mouth hole in the

mask. Next Phil enters. He is a nerdy looking guy in glasses and has some old flowers in hishand. The waitress shows him to Sidney's table. Phil is so nervous he doesn't even look at

Sidney and sits. He shields himself with his flowers.

PHIL

Hey, there, Sidney. I'm early. I mean I'm Phil and I'm early. I am glad you're early too, well,

sort of. I was hoping to beat you and get used to the room first. I get nervous in new places.

And with new people. I get nervous a lot. I brought you flowers.

Phil sticks the flowers in the middle of the table to it blocks Sidney from view and himself as

well. Sidney tries to get a good look at Phil.

PHIL (CONT.)

The flowers are a little wilted. They were pretty. I mean there is this wonderful flower shop but

I didn't have time to go there today but I did a few days ago and I wanted those flowers. I don't

get a date every day you know and I wanted this to be special, so I got the best flowers I know ofbut I want this to be great. You know what I mean.

Sidney grabs and flowers and smells them. In her old lady voice she says:

SIDNEY

They're lovely.

Phil sees Sidney's old lady mask for the first time. He is suddenly speechless. He stares a

moment. He takes off his glasses and cleans them. He puts them on and looks again. Sidney

puts the flowers to the side of the table and looks at Phil happily. After a few moments ofsilence:

PHIL

What's with the mask?

SIDNEY

Does it scare you?

PHIL

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Not really... it's just... weird.

SIDNEY

Hmm... so you're not gonna run off on me?

PHIL

I have to admit. I'm a little curious. Why would you wear an old person mask to dinner? And

do the weird voice?

SIDNEY

It's my way of weeding out the losers. I want to find a man who likes what I'm really like and

doesn't let my looks get in the way.

PHIL

Tell me about it.

SIDNEY

You're not ugly.

PHIL

I'm not?

SIDNEY

Take off your glasses again.

Phil does and Sidney takes a very close look.

SIDNEY (CONT.)

You have very nice eyes.

PHIL

Really? You do too.

SIDNEY

Stop that.

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PHIL

What?

SIDNEY

No physical stuff now.

PHIL

But you said my eyes... and your eyes are.. well... pretty...

SINDEY

No.

PHIL

But...

SIDNEY

Shoosh!

PHIL

Can't I?

SIDNEY

No.

PHIL

Okay.

Sindey looks very grumpy and crosses her arms. Phil looks around everywhere but at Sidney.

After a few moments:

SIDNEY

The flowers are very nice.

PHIL

I like red. You like red?

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SIDNEY

I'm not much in to colors.

PHIL

Why is that?

SIDNEY

There's so loaded. Red is passion. Blue is sadness. Green is envy.

PHIL

It's good to feel something.

SIDNEY

Huh?

PHIL

A least those colors feel something. Black and white is so boring. No feeling at all.

Sidney nods approvingly and then holds out her appetizer.

SIDNEY

Hungry?

Phil takes something from the appetizer tray and eats it.

PHIL

Is that battered green beans?

SIDNEY

Uh-huh.

PHIL

That is my absolute favorite!

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SIDNEY

No way.

PHIL

Nobody else likes these.

SIDNEY

I do.

PHIL

These are so good in the honey poppy seed sauce.

Sidney holds out some sauce.

PHIL (CONT.)

Oh, no you didn't?

Phil happily dips in the sauce.

PHIL (CONT.)

What are the odds we'd like the same things?

Sidney wiggles happily.

PHIL (cont.)

So... uh... what else happens on these dates? I mean... you seem to have had it all planned out

with the mask and such. It's like a test or something. There was this one episode of Star Trek...

SIDNEY

I like Star Trek...

PHIL

Really?

SIDNEY

Live long and prosper.

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Waitress comes by.

PHIL

Earl Grey tea... hot.

Waitress rolls her eyes and exits. Sidney is laughing.

PHIL (CONT.)

So is this one of those Trekkie tests of the true nature of a species? What is the next trial?

SIDNEY

Dinner?

PHIL

Hmmm... I shall take this challenge.

Phil gets out a menu. He notices Sidney isn't looking.

PHIL (CONT.)

Already know what you want?

SIDNEY

Uh-huh.

PHIL

What are you having?

SIDNEY

It's a secret.

Phil puts down his menu and studies her.

PHIL

I'll take this challenge.

SIDNEY

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What?

PHIL

I will take your dinner challenge.

Waitress appears.

SIDNEY

I'll have my usual.

Waitress turns to Phil.

PHIL

I too will have the unusual usual.

Waitress rolls her eyes and exits.

SIDNEY

You don't even know what it is.

PHIL

I am brave. I'll try anything once.

SIDNEY

It's very unusual.

PHIL

I didn't see anything too unusual on the menu.

SIDNEY

My usual isn't on the menu.

Phil gets nervous.

PHIL

Oh.

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Sidney laughs.

SIDNEY

Don't worry. It hasn't killed anyone... yet. It is however responsible for my lovely appearance.

Phil wrinkles his face.

PHIL

I really don't want to look like that.

Sidney makes a hurt sound.

SIDNEY

Oh... you bad man. You hurt my feelings.

PHIL

Uh... uh... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

SIDNEY

I was joking. Relax.

PHIL

Maybe I should wear a mask on dates too. I get so nervous.

SIDNEY

You're doing well.

PHIL

It's the mask. It's helping me too for some reason. It's so ridiculous... I guess it lightens the

mood.

Sidney makes another hurt sound.

SIDNEY

Ri-dic, ri-dic... ri-dicles? Oh... my... I'm ridicles.

PHIL

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No, you've very normal. The rest of us are weird..

SIDNEY

Wanna see me without my mask?

Phil pauses. He looks nervous.

PHIL

Uh... I don't know... maybe... I guess... this is a test too isn't it. Oh man.

Sidney laughs and switches to her real voice.

SIDNEY

Don't be nervous. I'm not this scary looking for real.

PHIL

Okay.

SIDNEY

I'm kind of ugly but nothing like this.

PHIL

Ugly?

SIDNEY

Don't worry. I don't have a huge nose or weird teeth or a huge mole on my face. I'm just not

very good looking.

PHIL

I don't mind. I'm no Nicholas Cage.

SIDNEY

You sure?

PHIL

I'm sure I'm not Nicholas Cage.

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Sidney laughs and Phil joins her.

SIDNEY

You sure about the mask?

PHIL

I'm sure. I already know you have beautiful eyes.

SIDNEY

Stop that.

PHIL

I still can't compliment you?

SIDNEY

No.

Sidney sits quietly a moment.

PHIL

You don't have to take off the mask. It's okay.

SIDNEY

I want to. You're really nice. You deserve to see my real face. You've passed the test.

Phil waits nervously as Sidney removes the mask. Sidney looks shy and Phil look happy.

PHIL

You're beautiful.

Sidney does her old lady voice.

SIDNEY

No.

PHIL

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You are... really.

SIDNEY

Stop.

PHIL

You don't have any reason to hide.

Sidney makes eye contact and returns his smile. They smile at each other happily a moment.

END OF PLAY

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Screamy Youie Kicky Booty

Samurai Sam is an Asian warrior type of guy. Power Puff Pam is as well... but not a guy. She

sneaks in, ninja like and disappears behind Sam. She pops up over his shoulder.

PAM

I smell trouble, Samurai Sam.

She disappears behind him again.

SAM

I would recognize that stink anywhere. That is none other than... Green Boxer.

Green Boxer enters. It is a robot/lizard Power Ranger kind of thing.

MONSTER

I will crush you!

Sam flies in to action and does several karate moves. He chops at Green Boxer. It laughs.

MONSTER

You are weak, Sam.

PAM

Your sword, Sam! Nothing can stop you and your sword.

SAM

Uh... I forget it in my home.

PAM

But how can you stop the scourge of Makassar with nothing but the robe on your back?

MONSTER

You won't.

MONSTER crushes Sam with fierce style monster sounds. Sam is motionless on the floor.Monster does evil laugh as it raises it's foot for the final blow.

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MONSTER

Wa-ha-ha!

PAM

Hold it right there you mechanical menace.

Monster attacks Pam.

MONSTER

Ahhh!

PAM

I call on the powers of my ancestors... Screamy (pow) Youie (thwack) Kicky (bam) Booty!

MONSTERS charges and hits her open palm. It hits, stops, pauses and falls. Pam rushes to

Sam.

PAM (cont.)

Sam, Sam. Speak to me.

SAM

You saved Makassar, Pam, but for me, you are too late.

Sam dies dramatically. Pam starts to cry. Sam wakes a moment and struggles for life. Then he

dies again.

PAM

(SOBS)

Curse you Green Boxer! Curse you!

END OF SCENE

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The LAST CAN

Once upon a time in the room with dirty situation, full of dust. Because the bomb has crushed the

town.

MYLA

What's wrong, luv?

RIM

I'm hungry.

RIM is staring at a can.

MYLA

Then eat. I don't mind.

RIM

But it's the last one.

MYLA

It's okay.

RIM

What about you? Aren't you hungry?

MYLA

Not really.

He stares at it a long time.

RIM

I can't believe it's the last one.

MYLA

It had to happen sooner or later.

RIM

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I was hoping for much later.

He's looking for a can opener.

MYLA

Check under the table. Maybe it fell down there.

While Rim is under the table, Myla rushes over and grabs the can and goes back to her chair,

hiding the can. Rim gets up excited.

RIM

Found it! Time to eat... sure you don't want...

Rim stops when he sees the can is missing.

RIM (CONT.)

What is this! The hunger games!

Rim sits on the sofa and looks at the empty coffee table.

RIM (CONT.)

Was I just imagining there was a can there? I am that hungry.

Myla has a playful voice.

MYLA

Maybe.

RIM

Or maybe someone took it.

Rim leaps up suddenly and starts tickling Myla.

MYLA

Stop, stop, you'll make me have to pee.

RIM

Hand it over!

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Myla

Okay, okay.

Myla holds up the can still laughing. Rim takes the can.

RIM

You sure you don't want any.

MYLA

Nope.

Rim opens the can and keeps his eyes on her. She is still giggling a bit. He has the can open but

has no forks. He gets up to get a fork. Myla moves forward a bit.

RIM

Don't you dare. You'll make a mess.

Myla laughs. Rim gets two forks and sits. Myla goes and sits by him. He feeds her a bite and

she returns the favor.

MYLA

The last can.

RIM

Afraid so.

MYLA

Or maybe it is the first meal before the feast.

RIM

The feast?

They are still feeding each other.

MYLA

The feast that's waiting outside.

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RIM

Maybe the radiation fried up all the critters and turned them to jerky?

Myla

Too bad you're a vegetarian.

RIM

And all the fruit is all dried up and ready for consumption.

MYLA

And the water sparkles and bubbles like Perrier.

RIM

But you don't like Perrier.

MYLA

I'll drink anything we can find that isn't plain old bottled water. I'm so sick of bottled water. I

miss bubbles.

RIM

I can make bubbles in your water.

MYLA

Ew, not those kind.

They laugh. Eat feed each other more and then grow quiet.

RIM

I wonder what it's really like outside.

MYLA

Not sure. The monitor still shows radiation.

RIM

We're out of food. Water is about out too.

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MYLA

Time to start recycling.

RIM

You don't mean... ew. I think I'd rather deal with the radiation.

They are quiet a minute and finish the food.

MYLA

Thank you for sharing.

RIM

Of course. I always do.

MYLA

You've always shared everything with me.

RIM

You're my favorite person. I wanted to give you the best of everything... and the best of me.

MYLA

You always did... and you stayed with me to the end.

RIM

It's not the end... not yet.

MYLA

Maybe it's time you let someone else handle everything.

RIM

You have a plan?

MYLA

No, but I bet someone else does.

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Myla points up.

RIM

Oh... I've always admired your faith.

MYLA

We've done well so far.

RIM

We have.

MYLA

I have a feeling something is going to happen. Something good.

RIM

You know... I believe you. I really believe you.

MYLA

I don't know what or how... but something good will happen.

RIM

I believe.

MYLA

Then close your eyes and get on your knees.

RIM

We're going to pray.

MYLA

Yes, pray.

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THE ROBBERY

Narrator: Welcome to, THE JEWELLERY SHOP...

(Shop Keeper is at desk centre stage. Security Guard with dogs asleep either side. Posh

Lady1 enters.)

Posh Lady1: Id like to see that necklace please.

Shop Keeper: Certainly madam.

Posh Lady1: How much is it?

Shop Keeper: (Tells a price.)

Posh Lady1: Is that all?

(She takes the necklace to the fitting room. Posh Lady2 enters talking on a mobile phone.)

Posh Lady2: Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...

Shop Keeper: Can I help you?

Posh Lady2: Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...

Shop Keeper: (Shouting louder.) Can I help you?

Posh Lady2: Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...Oh yes I know...

Shop Keeper: (Shouting even louder.) Can I help you?

Posh Lady2: Bracelet. I need to see an expensive bracelet!

(The Shop Keeper hands over a bracelet as Posh Lady2 continues to talk on the mobile

phone and make her way over to the fitting rooms. Posh Lady3 enters.)

Posh Lady3: I would like to try on those earrings please.

(The Robbers enter.)

Robber1: Freeze. This is a stick-up.

Robber2: Everybody put your hands in the air.

(Everybody except Posh Lady1 does.)

Posh Lady1: Im not putting my hands in the air.

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Robber1: If you dont your dead.

Posh Lady1: I am not putting my hands in the air.

Posh Lady2: Well if shes not putting her hands in the air, then neither am I.

Posh Lady3: Me neither.

Posh Lady4: Same here.

Robber2: I dont believe this.

Robber1: This is a stick-up.

Posh Lady3: I know, but why should we put our hands in the air?

Robber1: Because I said so.

Robber2: Yeah.

Posh Lady3: So?

Robber1: So what?

Posh Lady3: Exactly.

Posh Lady2: Look if youre going to stick up this jewellery store could you please hurry up.

Posh Lady4: Yes we have to go and get our hair done.

Shop Keeper: Excuse me? Im the shop keeper. Will you be wanting all the jewels or justthe diamonds?

Robber1: Gee Im not sure. (to Robber2) What do you think?

Robber2: (to shop keeper) What other stuff do you have?

Shop Keeper: Well, we have a wide variety of gold and silver necklaces, His and Hers

watches, or for that someone special, 3 sapphire and ruby rings.

Posh Lady1: If it were me, Id take the rings and leave the watches behind.

Posh Lady2: Well Id take the watches and leave the rings behind.

Posh Lady3: Id leave them all behind and just take the diamonds.

Robber1: QUIET!!

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Posh Lady4: Yes lets have a bit of shoosh in here so this young man can do his job and Ican go and get my hair done.

Robber2: Well take 2 rings, 3 watches, 5 necklaces and all the diamonds.

Shop Keeper: Good choice sir. Would you like them gift wrapped?

Robber2: I dont know. (to Robber1) Do we want them gift wrapped?

Robber1: No of course not. Just put them in the bag and we can get outa here.

Shop Keeper: Certainly sir. Here you go. Please call again.

Robber2: Quick. To the getaway car.

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