RAISING KIDS

TO THRIVEBased on the American Academy of

Pediatrics book Raising Kids to Thrive by Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s

Presented by Kellie Hill, MS, LPC-S,NCC

ABOUT KELLIE Grew up in N.Y. Graduated from UST

with a B.A. in education

Graduated from UHCL with a M.S. in Counseling

Counselor for 12 years Licensed Professional

Counselor;National Certified Counselor

3 daughters all at Carpenter

Divorced parent Runner

Overview 1. About Dr. Ginsburg

2. Part I – Unconditional Love –VS- High

Expectations

3. Part II – Protection –VS- Learning From Life’s

Lessons

4. Part III – Rebooting: Moving Towards the

Relationship You Hope to Have

5. Questions and Comments

DR. KENNETH GINSBURG• Pediatrician; Professor of

Pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania Medical School

• Author of the bestselling book Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings

• Co-authored Raising Kids to Thrive with his two teenage daughters

This Book Will Help You:

• Raise kids who will succeed now and in the future.

• Understand why helicopter parenting undermines successful development.

• Be a stable beacon your children will turn to for guidance and self-measurement.

• Build the kind of relationship you hope to have with your child.

• Reduce your children’s anxiety as they venture out on their own and move into adulthood.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE –VS- HIGH EXPECTATIONS

A supportive nurturing connection between parent and child offers the deep-seated security so critical to well-being and healthy development.

Love only offers security if it is given without conditions.

This is the key to the “serve-response” relationship. First, the child does something to get our attention (serve). Then, when we respond to their action, they learn what they do matters.

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval. You can reject a behavior while simultaneously loving a child fully.

LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS

Children should not be seen as a reflection of ourselves. We must be proud of who they are and not the bumper stickers we place on our cars.

When children are motivated to perform to gain approval, it generates anxiety. This can lead to perfectionism which destroys many of the elements a person needs to be successful.

Your love is not in question. But you may want to consider if the way in which you convey your high expectations might inadvertently convey a message of conditional acceptance.

WHY DOES LOVE SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE A ONE-WAY STREET?

• Remember that adolescents need to focus on figuring out the answer to the all-encompassing “Who am I?” question.Point 1

• Sometimes they have a right to be mad at us and it’s important to handle the criticism with care. Ex. “I hear what you are saying, but it’s hard to listen when I am being yelled at.”

Point 2

• Development is a tough process. Don’t let being pushed away make you believe your child needs you less during major transitions. EX. “I do-ed it all myself!”

Point 3• The truth is our children love us so

intensely it makes it makes them uncomfortable; therefore, they push those feelings away as forcefully as they can.

Point 4

CAN WE BE TOO CONNECTED TO OUR CHILDREN?

Some parents may be too involved. What's the harm?• There has become a

"professionalization of parenting" which can cause us to view our children as products.

• Children who feel as though they must produce can feel more anxious and have more self-doubt

• We see this in parents feeling as though their children MUST be on the best baseball team or make the competitive gymnastics class to feel successful as a parent.

• We need to move toward being lighthouse parents: ever present, available for guidance - but clear we are not steering the boat.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR SUCCESS AND MORALITY

SUCCESS MORALITY

Focus on how children are "being" rather than what they are "doing".

Focus on preparing children to be successful at 35,40,50 - what does that look like?

They should view life as a marathon instead of a sprint

Characterisitics for success: flexible, creative, ever-learning, innovative, generous, compassionate, tenacious, and resilient

Children are born as "pleasure-seeking machines" it's our job to mold them into the moral beings we wish them to become

Moral boundaries shoud be clearly defined and monitored.

Our actions can speak so loudly that children cannot hear the words we say (paraphrased from Emmerson)

THE PROBLEM WITH FOCUSING MAINLY ON

ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE Too much pressure takes away from the joy of

learning Kids will learn it's about what they do instead of

who they are - remember they're not products Pressure to be good at everything leads towards

perfectionism. This can cause children to quit due to fear of failure or turn to drugs to self-medicate the stress they experience.

Too much pressure will push your children away.

SETTING EXPECTATIONS THAT PROMOTE SUCCESS

How High Should You Set

the Bar

Focus on effort

Focus on growth

"YET!"

Find Our Strengths/Accept Weaknesses

It's okay to be uneven

Finding our passion is a

process

Use Praise and Criticism Wisely

Overpraising can backfire –

Praise for effort

Growth mind-set better than fixed mind-set

Criticism is necessary!

Make it specific.

Promote Tenacity, Delayed

Gratification, and Grit

Tenacity, diligence, and hard-work are

better predictors of success than intelligence

Life is a marathon

Kids who can delay

gratification can accomplish

long-term goals

PROTECTION VERSUS PREPARATION Find the balance Sometimes life needs to be the

teacher. Set clear and consistent boundaries

and then get out of the way. Overprotection sends the clear

message “I don’t trust you.” Children lack confidence.• “Our challenge as parents is to let

our children experience the natural consequences from their actions while protecting them from those circumstances that could cause irreparable harm or threaten safety.”

BENEFITS OF FAILUREAllow failure to

see it as a way to growThose students who are

externally driven will limit their potential due to fear of

failure.Parents should celebrate when

children stretch to go beyond their comfort zone regardless of failure or

succcess.“There is no passion to be found playing small-in settling for a life that is less than the one you are

capable of living.

7 CS OF RESILIENCEConfidence

Competence

Connection

Character

Contributions

Coping Strategies

Control

Be a cockroach!

TOOLKIT FOR LIFE

• Be able to take care of self -

sleep is critical

• Organization skills - timeliness

• Interpersonal skills - manners

• Self-advocacy skills – “I”

Statements

• Healthy friendships – Learning to

say, “No.”/ Code Words

STRESS MANAGEMENT PLAN

Tackling the

Problem

•Action that addresses the problem diminishes the stress

•Let it go!!!

Taking Care of

My Body

•Endorphins make you happy!

•Deep breathing•Mindfulness•SLEEP!!!

Dealing with

Emotions

• Instant vacations

•Release• Journaling•Venting•Crying/laughing

Making the World

Better

•Service to others

•Puts problems into perspective

EFFECTIVE PARENTING STYLESWHERE DO YOU FIND YOURSELF?

• Authoritative: “I love you. I’m not your friend; I’m your daddy.”

• Permissive: “We’re like best friends. Let’s get tattoos.”

• Uninvolved: “Kids will be kids. He’ll figure it out.”

• Authoritarian: “Do as I Say. Don’t ask why.”

Low Warmth

High Control

Low Warmth

Low Control

High Warmth Appropriate Control

High Warmth

Low Control

EFFECTIVE MONITORING

Setting boundaries only works if they are monitored.

Be “Tell-able”React littleBe quiet – listenLet them “win” when it’s validDon’t judgeEmpathizeMake it about safety

THANK YOU FOR COMING AND

CARING ABOUT YOU CHILDREN!