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NOVEMBER 2016
BAREFOOT COACHING WINTER CONFERENCE
Being Nice is Not EnoughTen coaching situations where challenge could be the
answer
Presenter: Jenny Rogers
Slide1www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
High levels of liking between you and the client
High levels of trust on both sides
Authentic concern for the client
Humour and playfulness
Willingness to challenge
No ego on your part: you are as undefended as you expect your client
to be
Confidence: knowing how to blend challenge with support
CONDITIONS THAT MUST BE IN PLACE TO
CHALLENGE YOUR CLIENT
Slide2www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Different from what friends and family can provide – and not a replacement for these relationships
It’s rare to talk to another human being who really listens
It’s rare to be heard without judgement
It’s unusual to comment on the immediate behaviour of another person without the wish to control or curry favour
Both coach and client can walk away from the relationship
COACHING IS AN UNUSUAL KIND OF
CONVERSATION
Slide3www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
UNDERSTANDING THE NEED TO BALANCE SUPPORT
WITH CHALLENGE
Slide4www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Challenge High High challenge low support
Client is undermined,
indignant and defensive;
coaching likely to end
prematurely
High challenge, high support
Client trusts and likes coach;
can learn even when
uncomfortable. Relationship
capable of being long and
productive
Low challenge, low support
Low impact coaching, just a
nice chat; coaching likely to
peter out
High support, low challenge
Coach colludes with client;
client misses opportunities to
learn. Longer term, coaching
unlikely to be sustainable
Support Low HIgh
WHY CHALLENGE MAY BE NEEDED
Amazingly, human beings are not perfect; we make mistakes
People close to us may collude or attack
We defend ourselves: it doesn’t feel safe to be vulnerable
We blame others or assume guilt unnecessarily
We feel shame
We side-track, lure people away from the issue with red herrings
We succumb to faulty thinking
Perspective narrows under stress
Healthy growth comes from self awareness, courage and humilitySlide5
www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Nick: Hospital Chief Executive
1. CLIENT HAS A TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP
Could be with peer, partner, boss – or the whole organization
Coach’s underlying assumption: we are always part of the problem, even if all we have done is ‘nothing’
Coach’s challenge 1Ask: ‘What’s your own responsibility for what has happened/what is going on?’
Slide6www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
The relationship really mattersThe client has already tried all the obvious solutions
Challenge Try some version of ‘the empty chair’:
The simplest version is: ‘Let’s both stand up for a moment. Sit in my chair and imagine you are the other person looking at you in that empty chair. How do you feel? What do you see?
Or even just
‘If you were in their shoes, how would you feel?’
2. CLIENT HAS A RELATIONSHIP CRISIS
Slide7www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Nick: Hospital Chief Executive
3. THE CLIENT IS UNAWARE OF SOME ASPECT OF THEIR BEHAVIOUR
Examples
Compulsive talker/interrupter
Seems intimidating
Lacks assertiveness with you/compulsive apologizer
Overwhelms with detail/never gives detail
Arrives late/cancels at short notice/seems unmotivated
Denies the problems they cause with others
Solution: feedback: the single most underused coaching technique Slide8www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
CRITICISM AND FEEDBACK: THE DIFFERENCES
CRITICISM FEEDBACK
Given in anger Given when calm
For benefit of giver: to punish For benefit of receiver: to develop
Wild generalisations; opinions Specific; factual
Evaluative Descriptive
About the whole person About specific behaviour
Says ‘we’ or ‘people’ Says ‘I’
One way Two way
No help or support with follow-up action Agreeing action and support is part of the process
Slide9www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
1. Face up to your reluctance; check on your motive
2. Ask permission: ‘May I offer you some feedback?’
3. ‘What I noticed….’ Describe: facts, observation, behaviour
1. or
4. ‘I sensed….’ NB no judgements
5. ‘The impact on me was….’
6. ‘And I’m wondering…’
7. Ask other person for their view
8. Coach around what emerges
HOW TO GIVE CLIENTS FEEDBACK: 7 vital steps
Slide10www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
The client is unusually animated
- or unusually silent
- or suddenly looks tired
You feel tired, bored, irritated, animated, engaged
The client seems disengaged or unhappy
Coach’s challenge: offer feedback in the here and now
Ask what’s going on for the client
Say what’s going on for you and what you notice in the client and in
yourself
4. SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT IN THE
CONVERSATION
Slide11www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
It has a ‘round and round’ feel
You notice that you feel anxious
The word ‘I’ is intruding more and more into your own words
You feel an overwhelming need to find a solution for the client and to
press your advice on to him or her
Coach’s challenge: tackle it
Ask what’s going on for the client
Say what’s going on for you
Most likely cause: you are working on the wrong goal
5. SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG IN THE
CONVERSATION
Slide12www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Shrugs shoulders, ‘I don’t know: you tell me’
‘Sent’ by someone else?
Client’s agenda items are all about changing someone or something else,
about what is ‘out there’ not what is ‘in here’
Coach’s challenge: coaching is about personal change, so if in
client’s view nothing needs to change in their own behavior, then
coaching can’t happen
Double check what is going on in client’s life, eg since you last saw them
Give them a moment to review and reflect
If there’s still no agenda then wish them well and say goodbye’
6. THE CLIENT DOESN’T HAVE AN AGENDA
Slide13www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Coach’s challenge: do 3-way contracting where you encourage boss
and client to be frank
Run a bespoke 360 exercise for the client where you interview his or
her colleagues and write a tactful but no-holds barred report
7. BOSS THINKS CLIENT NEEDS COACHING,
CLIENT IS BAFFLED
Slide14www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
8. THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS
MISTAKE
Examples
Failed to act on a whistleblower’s information
Gave a disastrous presentation
Bullied a colleague
Failed to check out an important process
Inadvertently caused a serious accident or incident
What NOT to do
Collude: ‘it wasn’t your fault’
Trivialize: ‘We all make mistakes’Slide15
www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
WHEN THE CLIENT HAS MADE A SERIOUS
MISTAKE
In your own mind distinguish between: regret, shame, guilt and remorse: They are all different – and help the client to differentiate them
Deconstruct what actually happened
Agree that the mistake was serious – if it was, or challenge over-emphasis on the ‘mistake’ if it wasn’t as serious as the client believes
Distinguish between the person and the behaviour
Reassure that one mistake does not define us for ever
Offer a self-forgiveness protocol
Encourage client to keep a ‘forgiveness diary’
Slide16www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Examples
Everything is black or white: no shades of grey
Profound pessimism: if bad things can happen, they can happen to me
Health anxiety
Helplessness
Always someone else’s fault
Everything should be perfect
Coach’s challenge: offer feedback on what you have observed
Ask for client’s response
9. THE CLIENT DEMONSTRATES FLAWED
THINKING PATTERNS
Slide17www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Examples
Health: ignoring an obvious symptom
Legal: about to so something which is against the law
Is unaware of facts which could endanger themselves or others
Proposed actions may imperil an important relationship
After exploring, checking for understanding, looking at upsides and
downsides etc with the client, it may be essential to offer them plain
speaking/advice
10. THE CLIENT IS AT RISK IN SOME WAY
Slide18www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
There are legal or medical issues with clear right/wrong answers
It’s a crisis and needs rapid action
You have a duty of care: there is physical or moral danger
The client cannot make their own decisions
You are offering facts not opinions
The subject is complex and bewildering: you have genuine expertise
Giving advice is unlikely to create dependency
Your own motivation is entirely positive
WHEN IT’S ESSENTIAL TO OFFER ADVICE
Slide19www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Coach’s challenge: offer straightforward information and advice
Stress your concern for the client
Follow this by stressing the client’s autonomy - and encouraging disagreement
THE CLIENT IS AT RISK contd/
Slide20www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10
Examples
Drinking at work; severe addiction problems of other sorts
Suicidal ideation
Mental health problems
Coach’s challenge: Rapport ; question to understand; summarise and explore
Offer feedback including your own concerns and feelings
Coach the client around finding help
Last resort: break confidentiality
VARIANT: THE CLIENT COULD SERIOUSLY
ENDANGER SELF OR OTHERS
Slide21www.JennyRogersCoaching.com Twitter: @JennyRogers10