Biblical Counselor Training Class Lesson 8: The Husband’s Role & the Wife’s Role in Marriage

Biblical Counselor Training Class

Lesson 8: The Husband’s Role & the Wife’s Role in Marriage

VII. The Husband’s Role in Marriage

The Bible reveals that a God-honoring husband is one who is like Christ. A husband needs to be like Christ in several ways:

A. A Christ-like husband is a lover (Eph. 5:25-33)

1. Love defined:a. Popular views – physical (sexual), romantic,

emotion, feeling-oriented, etc.b. Biblical view – “A sacrificial giving to meet the

needs of another person without ulterior motives for their good and God’s glory” – Stuart Scott (1 Cor. 13, John 3:16, 15:12ff).

i. “love” in the Bible is often a verb = an action. Since the Bible commands us to love (and we cannot, by an act of our will, feel a certain way) biblical love cannot primarily be a feeling.

ii. Biblical love = commitment + ongoing, continual action

Two simple definitions of love

Love is a commitment of my will and affections to your needs and best interests,

regardless of the cost to me.— adapted from Tim Kimmel

“Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require

reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving”

— Paul Tripp, What Did You Expect?


2. Love described: “as Christ loved the church”a. In principle, love is:

i. Initiatory (1 John 4:19) – the husband will take the loving initiate: to resolve conflict, to lead, to communicate, etc.

ii. Sacrificial (Eph. 5:25)

iii. Humble (Phil. 2:3-4)

iv. Volitional (John 15:16)

v. Contra-conditional (Rom. 5:8) – the husband will love his wife regardless of circumstances or “conditions”

vi. Eternal and Committed (Rom. 8:39)

vii. Forgiving (Col. 3:13)

viii. Purifying and Constructive (Eph. 5:26-27) – the husband is concerned about the spiritual growth of his wife

A summary of how a husband loves

• Love her first

• Love her most

• Love her sacrificially

• Love her unmistakably and intentionally

• Love her in spite of her sin

• Love her without bitterness

• Love her as your own body

• Love her sanctifyingly

• Love her committedly


b. In actual practice, Christ loves us in ways we can understand. So a husband should love his wife by:

i. Telling her (verbally and non-verbally)ii. Appreciating her (praising her, emphasizing her character, etc.)iii. Making time for her (requires scheduling)iv. Communicating (listening to her, not assuming she can read

your mind)v. Sharing (every area of life, treat her as complete partner)vi. Providing for her (1 Tim. 5:8)vii. Promoting her spiritual growth and developmentviii. Treating her as priority (your love for her should supersede all

other loves in your life, except for God Himself)ix. Initiating love (don’t wait, but take the lead) – “When there is

not enough love in the marriage, one place for a husband to look [is] in the mirror” – Dr. Wayne Mack

x. Loving her like he [already] loves himself (Eph. 5:28-29)xi. By nourishing her and cherishing her

B. A Christ-like husband is a learner (1 Pet. 3:7)

1. Literally, it reads “live with (your wives) according to knowledge or understanding”

2. Since this is a command, a husband must learn to know and understand his wife.

3. The culture says it is impossible for a man to understand a woman. But the Bible commands husbands to know and understand their wives.

B. A Christ-like husband is a learner (1 Pet. 3:7)

a. It takes time. It must be a priority.

b. It takes effort (Prov. 20:5)i. Study your wife continuously – ask questions: what

she thinks, believes, etc. Take mental notes. Make a notebook about your wife.

ii. God does not call men to know and understand ALL women, just one!

4. The Effect – Your wife’s problem is your problem. Her concern is your concern. If it’s important to her, it must be with you as well (Eph. 5:28-29)

C. A Christ-like husband is a leader (Eph. 5:23)

1. What godly leadership is NOT:a. It is not a dictatorship (Matt. 20:25 – that is what

pagans do)i. He does not demand submissionii. His home is not his castleiii. He does not expect his wife to serve himiv. He does not force his wife to accept his opinion or preference

b. It is not making all the decisionsi. There is not enough time to make all the decisionsii. It is not his responsibility to make them alone – he is a team

leaderiii. He needs her insight, because she was made to help him (Gen.

2:18)iv. She will be his best counselorv. He should listen to his wife but verify what she says with

God’s Word


1. What godly leadership is NOT:c. It is not following your wife

i. Some wives may be more “naturally” inclined towards leadership

ii. Nonetheless, God calls a husband to be the head and leader of his wife. That headship is his God-given position and does not speak of his or her abilities or talents (1 Cor. 11:3, 7-9; Gal. 3:28)

iii. God did not intend for the husband to follow his wife, but rather for the wife to follow her husband (Eph. 5:23)


2. What godly leadership is:a. “Biblical headship is a divine calling of a husband to

take primary responsibility for Christ-like servant leadership, protection, and provision in the home” (John Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, pp. 52-53).

b. Christ’s examplei. Husbands should want their wives to be excited about their

plansii. He doesn’t drive her (like a cowboy) but leads her (like a

Shepherd). John 10:27iii. He has a humble attitude (Phil. 2:5-8)iv. He is a servant leader (Luke 22:26, John 13:5ff)v. He does the will of God, not his own (John 4:34, 6:38)


c. Practically, how does a husband be a leader in his home?i. He provides a spiritual example worth following (1 Cor. 11:1)ii. He is “others oriented” – his concern is for her needs and desiresiii. He is “goal oriented” – he knows where he is leading his wife

and family – he has a planiv. He sets the example of self-control in the home (Phil. 4:9, Prov.

23:26)v. He is “solution oriented” – he solves problems biblically. He is

the problem solving initiatorvi. He is a gentle pastor and shepherd to her (Jn. 21:15-17; 1 Pt. 5:2-

3)vii. He is a motivator – he helps her grow in her walk with the Lord

and in her God-given responsibilities


c. Practically, how does a husband be a leader in his home?viii. He instructs her not as her father but more as a coach – he comes

alongside her and encourages herix. He is a manager – his wife is a teammate (1 Tim. 3:4, 5, 12)x. He is pleasant to be around – He lives joyfully with his wife, he

is fun to be around and fun to live with (Ecc. 9:9)

Two simple definitions of love

Love is a commitment of my will and affections to your needs and best interests,

regardless of the cost to me.— adapted from Tim Kimmel

“Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require

reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving”

— Paul Tripp, What Did You Expect?

VIII. The Wife’s Role in Marriage

The Bible shows that a godly wife’s relationship to her husband is modeled by the church’s relationship with Christ. A wife is to be like the church in many ways.

A. A godly wife is an honorer (through loving submission) – Eph. 5:22-24

1. The primary way in which a wife pleases God in the context of her marriage is by loving submission to her husband (Eph. 5:24, 33, Titus 2:5)

2. What loving submission is NOT:a. Submission is not putting the husband in place of Christ

(no husband-worship)b. Submission is not giving up independent thought and

becoming intellectually stagnant (the husband does not do all the thinking, give all the input, etc.)

c. Submission is not giving up all efforts to influence her husband

i. A wife primarily influences her husband through her behavior (1 Pet. 3:1-2)

ii. The excellent wife speaks wisdom (Prov. 31:26)


d. Submission is not giving in to every demand of the husband

e. Submission is not the same as being fearful or timid of the husband

f. Submission is not letting her gifts lie dormant and becoming immobile

g. Submission is not believing her husband is infallible (Rom. 13:1; 1 Pt. 2:13ff)

h. Submission is not based on her husband’s superiority to her (Gal. 3:28; 1 Pt. 3:7)


1. What loving submission IS:a. Biblical definition of submission:

i. the Greek word for submission means “to arrange or place yourself under”

ii. “Biblical submission for the wife is the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts” (Piper, Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, p. 53).

b. Submission is God’s way of attaining and maintaining function and order in the home. According to 1 Cor. 14:33, 40, God wants the various realms of society to function decently and in order and so He has ordained that some should be leaders and some should be followers:

A. A godly wife is an honorer (through loving submission) – Eph. 5:22-24i. True in the government (Rom. 13:1ff, 1 Pet. 2:13ff)

ii. True in the church (1 Tim. 3:1ff, 5:17ff, 1 Pet. 5:1ff)

iii. True in the Trinity (Phil. 2:5-8, etc.)

iv. Also true in the home (Eph. 5, 1 Cor. 11:3)

c. Submission is a away of life for all believersi. for children (Eph. 6:1)

ii. For young people (1 Pet. 5:5-6)

iii. for employers and employees (Eph. 6, Col. 3 & 4)

iv. for all people to the government (Rom. 13)

v. for all believers to God Himself (James 4:7)

vi. for all believers (Heb. 13:17)

vii. for wives (Eph. 5:22)

viii. for all believers in different ways (Phil. 2:3-4, Rom. 15:1ff)


d. Submission includes a reverence and dedication toward her husband

i. Functioning as her husband’s teammateii. Means that she does all she can to help her husband be a good leader

(no tearing down in public, etc.)iii. She is her husband’s helper (Gen. 2:18)iv. Submission is not based on his worthiness but on his God given

position and role (Eph. 5:24)e. Submission is a spiritual matter for a wife in 3 senses:

i. The manner – “as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22)ii. The model – “as the church is subject to Christ” (Eph. 5:24, 32)iii. The means – “be filled with the Spirit” (Eph. 5:18)

f. Submission is a comprehensive matteri. ‘as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22)ii. “in everything” (Eph. 5:24)

g. Submission is a volitional matter – the wife must choose to be submissiveSubmission is a command. It is ultimately an act of obedience and worship to God (Eph. 5:22)


h. Submission is a practical matteri. It affects actions (1 Pet. 3:1-2, Prov. 31:10-12, Gen. 2:18)

ii. It affects attitudes (Eph. 5:33, 1 Pet. 3:1-6, Prov. 21:9, 19, 31:10-12, 12:4, 14:1)

iii. Submission may not always be “fair,” but submission is always what pleases God because He asks us to do it.

B. A godly wife is a helper (Gen. 2:18)

1. She complements her husband as his companion (Gen. 2:18)

2. She uses her many gifts and abilities to assist her husband by being an industrious, frugal, diligent, ambitious, and creative member of the team (Ps. 128:3, Prov. 31:10-31)

3. She finds fulfillment in helping her husband serve God (1 Cor. 11:7-9)

How a wife completes her husband

• She completes him as a companion

• She completes him emotionally

• She completes him physically and sexually

• She completes him spiritually

• She completes him parentally

• She completes him domestically

• She completes him intellectually

• She completes him in ministry


1. She complements her husband as his companion (Gen. 2:18)

2. She uses her many gifts and abilities to assist her husband by being an industrious, frugal, diligent, ambitious, and creative member of the team (Ps. 128:3, Prov. 31:10-31)

3. She finds fulfillment in helping her husband serve God (1 Cor. 11:7-9)


a. She communicates with a respectful attitude (Eph. 5:33)

b. She shows confidence in his decisions (1 Cor. 13:4-8)

c. She is grateful to him (Rom. 13:7)

d. She maintains a good spiritual life (1 Pet. 2:2)

e. She offers suggestions, advice, and corrections when needed in a loving fashion (Prov. 31:26)

f. She realizes the positive influence she can be to her husband through her respectful attitude and godly behavior (1 Pet. 3:1-4)

g. She sees that her primary act of worship to God as a wife is her calling to be her husband’s helper (Gen. 2:18)


4. She persists in her role when he does not respond and persists in ungodlinessa. She trusts that God has a plan and that God’s plan works

b. She loves him as he is (1 Jn. 4:11) and as a reflection of God’s available love

c. She remembers not only that she chose him, but that God placed them together as gifts for each other (Ecc. 9:9)

d. She deals with her own sin before attempting to “correct” him (Mt. 7:3-5)

e. She is patient, trusting the Lord for the transformation of her husband (1 Pt. 3:1-6)

f. She communicates with him biblically and in love (Eph. 4:25ff)

C. A godly wife is a homemaker (Titus 2:4-5)

1. By diligently loving her husband and children (Titus 2:4)

a. Building loyalty to him in the childrenb. Cooperating with him in raising children (Prov.

1:8, Eph. 6:1)

2. By diligently working in the home (Titus 2:5)

a. “workers at home” literally means “home-worker”

b. The home is the sphere or context in which she fulfills her God-given responsibilities

C. A godly wife is a homemaker (Titus 2:4-5)

3. The Proverbs 31 modela. She makes the home a safe place (vv. 10-31)

b. She is trustworthy and dependable (vv. 11-12)

c. She is organized and productive (vv. 13-14)

d. She is enterprising (vv. 16-19)

e. She is generous as a neighbor (vs. 20)

f. She is a teacher (vv. 25-26)

g. She is blessed as a mother (vv. 27-31)

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Biblical Counselor Training Class Lesson 8: The Husband’s Role & the Wife’s Role in Marriage