Birds Have Wings So They Can Fly

8/2/2019 Birds Have Wings So They Can Fly

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BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly [email protected]

BirdsHaveWingsSoTheyCanFly

-ANovellabySamThorp-


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CHAPTER1

The6:45amalarm,asnormal.Wakingup,surprised,sherolledover.Behindhera

manwassleeping,hisbacktoher.SheknewhisnamewasMax,thathewasherhusband,

thathisbirthdaywasJuly10th,amonthago,thatheworkedasaninternationalrelations

consultant,thathelikedblackpudding,jazzandtennis.Howshefeltabouthimshedidnt

know,butshedidntlikethewaytheblackhairsonhisshouldersstoodoutfromthepale,

porousskin.Sherolledoveragain.Amillionmoteswerecaughtinabeamofsunlight.She

reachedoutahand,eagertofeelthewarmthonherskin.Thesunlightdisappeared;the

motesdissolved.Undertheshowersheenjoyedthehotjetonherface,streamingoverherstomach,

downherthighs.Afterwards,asshedideverymorning,sheputonherthickwhitedressing

gownandlookedatherselfinthemirror,preparingherself.Thismorningshelookedand

sawthefactsofherface:eyes,mouth,teeth,nose,butdidshelikethem?Sheknewthese

darkeyeswerehers,theeyesofKatjaSvenson,wifeofMax,motherofSven,butshedidnt


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trulyrecogniseherself.Shouldnttheyhavemorelife?Shecouldseethesignsof42ness

aroundhereyes,intheunevenelasticityofherskin.Itwasntthatshehadanactualpicture

towhichthisreflectiondidntmatch,shejustdidntrecogniseherself.KatjaSvensonwasa

stranger.Shelikedherdarkhair,eyebrows,theshapeofhereyes.Whensheturnedonthe

brightlightoverthemirror,theimagewastransformed.Illuminated,shesawthewidened

poresbetweenhereyes,thelackofsymmetryattheendshereyebrows,howthefinehairs

onherupperlipthickenedatthecornerofhermouth.Herteethwerenotwhite.Shewas

awarethatsheshouldfeelregretattheseimperfections,thatsignsofageing,ofdecay,slow

deathshouldbedisguised.

Shejustdidntfeelanythinginparticular.

Areyouok?Maxwasstandingbehindherwearingjustpinkstripedpyjama

bottoms.Hisbellywasround,paleandhairy,andhisarmswerethick.Hewrappedthose

thickarmsaroundher;shewatchedastheymetandoverlappedagainstthesterilewhiteof

herdressinggown.Sheenjoyedhistenderness,envelopingher.Howcouldsheexplainwhat

shewasgoingthrough?

IdreamedthatIdied.Imeanmybodydied.Itwasthefirstideathatcameintoher

head.Shepausedtoapplyaglossydetailtoherlips,afraidtolookathim.Buteventhough

myhearthadstopped,Icouldseeoutandwatcheveryone,eventhoughIwasdeadandthey

didntknowIwasstillthere.Ilaytherewatching,unfeelingShelookedtoseeifhecould

understand.Washervulnerabilityobvious?Sorry,Imnotmakinganysense

Hetightenedhisarmsaroundher.Hislipspressedintoherneckandhereached

downwithonehand,searchingfortheopeningintohergown.

Shetwistedawayfromhishand.

Christ,Max.

Shefeltanger.Sherecogniseditwhenshesawthecoldfrustrationinhiseyes.

Imtrying,Katja.Heglaredatherreflection.Sheglaredback.Histendernesswasjustaprecursorto

hisdesire;itmockedher.Andwiththisfeelingcamememories:hislust.Pressinghimself

againsther.Thenthetearsshedcriedinfrontoftheircounsellor,Camilla.Sooutof

character.Shedbeenaskingforunderstanding,affection.Shedidntknowwhatshewanted

anymore.


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Hewantedcontrolandsheresentedthat.

Heturnedandleft,pullingthedoorclosedbehindhim.Anoverweight,middle-aged

maninpyjamabottoms.WhowasKatjaSvensonthatshewouldbewiththisman?

Atherwardrobe,shefoundthebeginningsofananswer.Pullingoutacharcoalgrey

trousersuitandaplainblouse,shewonderedifthiswaswhatshewantedtowear.Theslim

cutlengthenedherlegs,theweavewasoffinewool,softandsensualagainstherfingertips,

thelabelwasChanel.Thequalitymeantsomethingtoher.Sheselectedsomeblacksatin

JimmyChoosthentwolargediamondearrings.TheywereananniversarygiftfromMax.

Sherememberedhisexpectantsmileasshedopenedthepresentationcase.Wasthat

gratitudeshedfelt,orguilt,orlove?

Thesunwasshiningin,creatingpatternsonthethickcreamcarpet.Shelookedat

KatjaSvensoninthefull-lengthmirror.Astreamofassociationscametomind:success,

affluence,desire,control,power.Shecouldhearbirdssingingandwenttothewindow.A

multitudeofsongsfilledthetrees.Themusicfilledher,sendingelectricchillsdownher

arms;herhandstingled.Shetookadeepbreathandclosedhereyes,sawwarmandorange

colours,feltaformofhappiness.

Inthekitchen,Svenwaseatingcereal,spoonclenchedinawhitefist.Acoldpanic

ranthroughher.HewasstaringattheTV:Atankrolledthroughadustycityscapeandfired

asingleshell,theblastechoedaroundtheroom.

Maxwasatthesink,puttinghiswashedbreakfastbowltodry.Onhiswayout,he

stoppedbesideher.

Wehavea6pmwithCamilla.Canyoustillmakeit?

Therewasprovocationinhisvoice.Sheheldbackherreply,watchingasSvens

sulleneyesfollowedthem.Ofcourse.

Justwantedtobesurenothinghadcomeup.Heseemedabouttoaddsomething

butleft.

ShelookedatSvenandcheckedherwatch.

Itssevenfifteen.Shouldntyoubeoff?


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Hepulledthehoodedtopoverhishead,shroudinghisfaceandspoonedinanother

mouthfulofhiscereal.Besidehimthebrightyellowandgoldpackagingscreamed,The

troubleistheytastetoogood.Theartfulexuberanceirritatedher.

Mustyoueatthosethingseveryday?sheasked.

Svenpushedhischairawayandwalkedout,tallandpale.

Shewantedtoshoutsomethingafterhim,thennoticedwithguiltthathedlefta

moundofsoftenedflakesinthebottomofbowl.Shescrapedthemintothewastedisposal.

Thedrivetotheofficewasachallengeinsomanyways.Justclimbingintothefront

seatoftheblackX5hadaggravatedtheoddsensationthatshedsteppedintosomeone

elseslife.Thecarinteriorwassimultaneouslyalienandfamiliar.Shewassurprisedthatthe

seatandpedalswerealignedforherandmoresurprisedwhensherecognisedthehair

bandsonthegearstickasherown.Shepulledherhairbackawayfromherface.

Thepowerinthepedalsgaveherthefirstcomfortablemomentoftheday.She

acceleratedalongthewindingcountryroads,thewindowsloweredtocapturetheripofthe

engineandtherushofthetrees.Beamsofsunlightstippledtheroad,thebonnetofthecar.

Thewhitelinesspedbeneathher.Thecanopyflashedgreenoverthewindscreen.Thewind

fresh.Therewassomethingpureinthedrivingexperience:shereactedwithoutthoughtor

feeling.Thecarresponded,slowingandquickeningasherfootbouncedfrombraketo

accelerator.Thesemi-automaticgearboxseemedtopre-empther.Shepushedthecar

onwards,tothelimitoftheroads.Hereshewasprotectedandwasntrequiredtointerpret

herworld,justsuckedtheadrenalin.Until,atajunction,amotorbikepulledoutjustalittle

toofarandshereacted,swervingintothemiddleoftheroadwitharushofterrorwhich

filledherheadandchest,throbbing.Thensoontherelease,alight-headedeuphoria

accompaniedbytheflutteringofherheart.Fearandthenrelief.Thefearfeltgood.Goodtorecogniseit;tobesoatonewithherself.

Herparkingspacewasclosetotheofficecomplex-aneerieashencuboidofglass

andsteelsquares.Shehopedherstrangemoodwouldliftonceshewasinthesecurityof

heroffice.

Intheatrium,theporterrushedtocalltheliftforher.


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Morning,MsSvenson.Lovelyweatherwerehaving.Lookslikeitlllastthroughthe

afternoon,hesaid,lookingatherfeet.

Morning,shesaid,uncertainhowtoaddresshim.Keith?MrKahn?Sherecognised

him,knewhisname,butcouldntremembereverhavingspokentohim.Shewasgladwhen

thedoorsclosedandshecouldcheckherhairinprivacy.Awayfromhisdiffidence.

Inherofficethephonewasalreadyringing.Sheansweredit,hesitatingasecond,

KatjaSvenson.

Goodmorning,KatjaSvenson.Yousoundvery

Inthelandscapedcourtyardofthebuilding,threeswanscircledontheornamental

pond.Shehadanagonisingphobiaofbirds,especiallytheirfeathers.Shetwistedclosedthe

blinds,suddenlyawarethat,withthesunshiningin,peopleonallthreesidescouldsee

directlyintoheroffice.Didshenormallyfeelsouncomfortablewiththat?

Lukewhat?Ohitsnothinghowareyou?

Phonetuckedonhershoulder,sheleanedunderherdesktoturnonherPC.

Idhopedtoseeyouearlier.Iwaitedinthecafundertheimpressionyoumight

popin.

Really?Thingshavebeenalittlestressed.

Svenagain?

Noohyeah,Isupposeitis.Look,canwetalklater?Ivegotalotonatthemoment.

Shefoughtthedesiretoslamthephonedown.IllcallyoulaterwhenIhavetime.Then

added,tryingtosoundconciliatory,OK?

Itllhavetobe.Callmeaftertwo.ThatChallengingStrategythingstartsatthree.He

hungupandshefeltherfistclencharoundthephone.Shesighedandreturnedittoits

cradle.

Her10.15waswithanewclientandshewassurprisedathowwellshegotthrough

it.Thereweremomentsthatwerevague,whenshefeltlikeshewaswatchingsomeoneelseactfrominsidetheirhead.Itoccurredtoher,assheranthroughherstandardintro-spiel,

thatherdifferentselvesexistedatdifferentspeeds,thatitwastheintensityofemotionthat

acceleratedtime,andaslongassheoperatedwithinthisfeeling-freebubble,observingbut

onlyrarelyfeelingemotion,timemovedveryslowly.Shecouldcontrolit.


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Katchamshaveaverydefiniteapproachtomarketing.Ourintentionisalwaysto

converteveryproducttoaserviceproposition.Productsarecommodities,butservicesare

experiences.Experiencescreateemotionsanddeliverunassailabledifferentiation.Our

achievementhasbeentocreateemotionalattachmentsbetweenconsumersandourclients.

Andwevedoneitfortyremanufacturers,genericdrugcompanies,andluxury

confectioners.Shepointedtothebrandlogosthatlituptheplasmascreen.Continental,

Panadol,Cadburys.Thesewerethesymbolsthatcorroboratedherwords.Thesegaveher

authority.Sheclickedthemouseandbroughtupanotherslideshowingajigsawofthe

worldsleadingconsumerbrands.Sheallowedtheassembledexecutivestoabsorbthem.

Eachleanedforward,penreadyandnotebookopentorevealanorganisedcalligraphyof

notes.Twoofthethreeexecutiveshadremovedtheirjackets;allhadshorthairandfatsteel

watchesontheirwrists.Hermediabuyer,AlanButton,atall,thin-lippedfinancialtypewith

alongnoseandsmallrectangularglasses,washeronlyback-up.Theidealfoil.Hesignalled

thateveryproposalwasbuiltonabedrockoffinanciallysolidmetrics,thatitwasthe

bottomlinethatmattered,thattheywoulddelivernotjustarationallydefensibleand

creativeproposition,butrevenuegrowth.Alanwasakeendownhillmountainbikerandfor

asecondshepicturedhiminaluridlycrabodystocking.Howdidyoufindoutthatdownhill

bikingwasyourpassion?

Backinheroffice,sheopenedherblindsandwatchedthehumantrafficstriding

busilythroughtheglasswalkwayonthenorthsideofthecourtyard.Katjaconsideredher

lackofhobbies-nothinglikemountainbikinganyway.Whatdidthatsayabouther?She

wasamother.Shewasasenioraccountmanager.Shewasahousewife.Sheswam400

metrestwiceaweek,atewholesomefood,watchedhercarbintake,aimedforarainbowof

fruitandveg,triedtoavoidhousework,maritalsex.

Why?Sheaskedherselfimpudently.

Thephoneinterruptedherdaydreaming.Themetallicbellresonatedaroundtheglasswallsofheroffice.Someonehadselectedthattoneasappropriatetothecompanys

corporateidentity-thekindofcreative,nonsense-freeapproachthattypifiedKatcham

Partners.Shereachedforthehandset,amazedthatinlessthantwentyyearsringtoneshad

evolvedbacktoasimplemechanicalbell.


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HiKat.Thevoicewashusky,slightlymasculine,theaccentfaintlyAmerican.Yawn.

PeterwantstogotoMauritiusagain.

Imagesflashedacrosshermind:Goldensands.Woodenchaletsonstiltsovertopaz

lagoons.Palmtrees.

Youpoorthing,sighedKatja.Ithoughtthingswerebetterbetweenyou.

Thelinewassilent.

OK,Katja,whatisit?

Thequestionmadeherafraid,asuddenspurtofdread,asifshehadsomepainful

secret.

Whatdoyoumean:whatisit?

Putitlikethis,sweetie,whenyoustartshowingempathy,Iknowyoureintrouble.

Oh,forGodssake,thatshardlyfair,Janet.Shelaughedawkwardly.Youmakeme

soundlikeacompletebitch.

Selfdoubt!ItsworsethanIthought.Comeon,spillFeelingguilty?

Katjacaughtthearomaofsomethingsweet,noputrid.Putridflesh.Herupperlip

andnostrilsrearedindisgust.

Icantreallysay.Ijustdontfeelmyself.Idontquiteknowwhatsgoingon.This

morningIwokeupandIjustfeltdifferentuninvolved.Ohgod,Idontknow.Maybeitsjust

becauseIhadanotherrun-inwithMax.MaybeitsbecauseLukeissodemanding.Butshe

knewitwasnt.Thiswassomethingmore.

Doyouthinkthisshrinkwhatshername?

Camilla.

ThisCamilla,isshethecauseorthecuretothislatestcrisis?

Christknows.Shessodrippy.AlwaysseemstotakeMaxsside.Itmakesme

questionherjudgement.Shewonderedforasecondifthatwaswhatshereallythought,or

wasitjustanautomaticresponse,defensive.Ha!Itwould.Canyoustilldolunch?IvegottogetoutofhereandIneedyoutohelp

mefindawaytogetoutofthisMauritianGulag.

Katjalistenedandconsidered.Somethingtoldherthiswasntreallysomethingshe

wantedtodo,butshealwayshadlunchwithJanet.Janetwasherconfidante.Whoelsecould

shetrust?


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Sure.Petruccios?shesaid.

One?

Seeyouthere.

Shelookedacrossthecourtyardagainandnoticedtherewasnograss.Justgrey

pebbles,tallevergreensandthedarkornamentalpond.Duetotheheightoftheglass

buildingssurroundingit,therewasonlyasmalltriangleofsun.Everyroomformedpartof

apanopticon.Katjaclosedtheblindsuntilonlyathincrackremained.

PetrucciosopenedontoboththecourtyardbelowKatjasofficeandtheentrance

lawntothebusinesspark.Janetwasattheirusualcornertablerestingheavilyonher

elbows,readingaglossymagazine,hershoulderlengthhaircarefullystyledtohangtoone

side.

Haveyouseenthis!criedJanet,asshepulledoutherchair.Mygod,itsamust

have.Itsoutrageous!Achinchilla-lineddaybag,Fendi.Theyrealimitededition.Imustget

oneputby.

Thewordchinchillaconjuredtheimageofabloatedgerbil,neckswollen,headand

earstoobigforitsbody;aminiaturisedelephantsqueezingitselfintofissuresbetween

Andeanmountainrocks.Whatawaste,shethought,allthatevolution,adaptingover

millenniatooneoftheharshestenvironmentstoproduceasuperiorliningforhandbags.

Wooo,Kat,areyoualright?Whereisyourmake-up?Youlooklikeaghost.

Please,Janet.Goeasy.Iamnothavingagoodday.

Janetlookedconfusedforasecond,seemedunsureofwhethertopounce,thenher

greeneyessoftened.Katjawasrelievedshestayedsilent.Shesettledherselfdown.

YoullneverguesswhatIbought...JanetopenedherblousetoshowKatjaarich

purplelacebra.ItsLaPerla.Iamsonaughty.Itlooksbeautiful.Itdid.Thefabricwasafreshbeetrootpurple,thecolourofa

monsoonsunset.Katja?...Areyoulistening?

Yes.Sortof.IguessImjusthungry.Katjawasawarethatshealwayshadsalad.

Thatsheneveratemuchlunchbecausethecarb-burnfromanafternoonatherdeskjust

didntjustifyit,butshefeltlikesomethingcomforting.


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ThewaitressappearedandKatjaorderedaFusilliCarbonara.Janetseyespopped

theatrically.Sheorderedherusual:atomatoandonionsaladandalargePinot.

Someoneisclearlygettinglaid,shewhisperedloudlyenoughforthesurrounding

tablestohear.

Katjasheartbeataccelerated,asheenofsweatcoveredherforehead,dampedher

palms.Shedugherfingernailsintoherflesh.Eyeswereonher.Herlegswererestless.

Therewasthatsmellagain,decay.

Janet,somethingsreallywrong.

Sheadjustedthepositionofthetablemenusoitshieldedthetworedflowersinthe

vase.Theintricatebeautyofthecrownofpetalsstruckher:thearterialredbaseandthe

fragilepinktips.Shewonderedwhattheywerecalledandreachedoutahandtopinchthe

softtip.

Youretellingme.Youreamess.Youlooklikeabag-ladyandyoureeatinglikea

trucker.AndwhenItalkedabouthandbagsyoulookedbotoxedwhyareyoufiddlingwith

thatplant?

Katjawithdrewherhand.Thatsmellagain.

Idontknowwhatitis.Whetheritshormonalor...Iknowwerowedlastnight.

Nothingexceptionalaboutthat.Katjadidntmakeeyecontactasshespoke.Itsjustthat

sinceIwokeupthismorningIjustcantbecertainofwhatImdoing.Idontreally

recognisethings.ImeanIdontknow.Iknowwhoeveryoneis.Iknowtheirnames,who

theyare,butIdontknowhowto....Katjawasdisconcertedtofindhervoicewas

thickening,hereyesmoistened.Ijustdontunderstandwhatsgoingon.

JanetpausedsearchingoutKatjaseyes,searchingforsomething.Thensheliftedone

handtowardshermouth.

Youknowwhatitcouldbe,ofcourse?

Katjaseyesmethers.Shesawthatpatronisinglook,eyebrowarched,noselifted.Shetookaslugofwine.Arealisationfloodedintoher,followedquicklybythenowfamiliar

hollowingofdread.

Menopause.God,no!

Janetlaughedloudly,leantforwardsandpushedherwineglassaside.

No!Pregnant,youfool!


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Thedreadswelled,acoldspasmsnakedthroughher.

No,noImnot.Icouldtell.ImeanIdfeelit.Itneverfeltlikethisisthattheonly

explanationthatyoucancomeupwith?ShewasangrythatJanetcouldnttakeher

seriously.

JanetchangedthetopictoMauritius,bitchedabouthowshecouldendureaweekof

Petergettingdrunkandpawingather.Katjawatchedthecoupleatthenexttable.Adark

hairedboyandagirl,shethought,inlove.Thencaughtherself:theywereintheirmid-

twenties.Shedseenthemanbefore.Heworkedinthetravelagency.Hewasholdingthe

girlshand,watchingherintently.Theywereleanttowardseachother.Facesflushed.A

glowsurroundedthem.Katjaachedwiththehopeoftheirsituation:young,inlove.Hadshe

andMaxeverfeltlikethat?Shetriedtoremember.Theimagesofherweddingdaycame

back:thecountrychurchinJune,aMonday,smilingundertheyewtree.Butthetension

etchedaroundhereyes,herannoyanceattheofficiousphotographerpompouslyordering

themtopresscloser,tosmile.Wasshehappyonherweddingday,orhappybecauseshe

wasexpectedtobehappy?Everyonewashappyontheirweddingday.Itsthehappiestday

ofyourlife,isntit?OnlyMaxhadknownshewaspregnantthatday.

YoucouldtellPeteryoudontwanttogo,shesaid.

Hedonlymakeafuss.

Butifyourereallynothappy,whynotleavehim?

Leavehimthepoordear,hedfallapartwithoutme.Heneedsme.

Katjawasdrawnagaintotheyoungcouple.Thegirlsmiledather.Shefinishedoff

thelastofherpasta.

Espresso?askedJanet.

Idontthinkso.IdreallyliketostretchmylegsbeforeIheadback.Shelooked

throughthewindowatthetexturedgardens.Itssuchabeautifulday.

Janetsupperlipcurled;Katjastooduptoleave.Janetdroppedtwotwentiesontothetableandmurmured,Mytreat.ThensomethingthatKatjamissed,butsuspectedwas

loadedwithsarcasm.

Attherestaurantdoors,Katjalookedatherwatchandrealisedwithregretshedidnt

havetimeforastroll.Theywalkedinsilenceacrossthecourtyardandintotheatrium.The

porterwasstillthere.


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Hi,Keith.Shesmiledathim,waitingthistimeuntilhiseyesmethers.Helooked

confused.

Youreondrugs,thatsit,isntit?whisperedJanet.

AstheliftdoorsopenedanEasternEuropeanaccentrangoutbehindthem.

Stop,please,Miss,Madam.Stop!

Katjawasafraidtoturn.Whatnow?Shefoughttheurgetofleefrompeoplewanting

thingsfromher,theburdenoftheirexpectation.

ItwasthewaitressfromPetruccios.Ashortgirlwithdarkeyesandawinsomesmile,

runninginaskirtandtrainers,wavingsomethinginherhand.

Agh.Imsohappyyouhearme.Youleftyourmoney.

Thegirlwassogladtocatchthem,sopleasedtobedoingthemaservice,laughing.

Katjafeltarushofaffection.Hermovementsweresofluidandherdemeanoursosoftand

happyandopen.Shewantedtohugher.

OhforGodssake.Keepit,snappedJanet.

Katjawantedtoshoutsomething,buttheliftdoorsclosedandthelastKatjasawwas

acloudofhurtsuffocatinghersmile.

Katjarealisedthatthisgirlhadservedherlunchtoday,andonmanyotherdays,and

shedneverreallyseenher,neverspokentoher,neverconsciouslyhadanyfeelingabout

her.Howmanytimes,shethought,hadshebeentheonetoleavesomeonedowncastbyher

indifference?

Thatafternoon,shewentthoughthemotions,noddedherwaythrougha2:30with

thePRteam.OKdthepressreleasefortheeveningsMarketingMonthlyawardsceremony.

Thestatementwasbland,gaveaboosttoKatchams,aquotefromtheCEO,Andrew

Katcham,andsomeofhercareerhighlights:there-brandingofahouseholdgravy,thenationallaunchofWrinklesCornchips,andtheEuropeanpromotionoftheBMWMini.

BackinherofficeshefoundagreenbagfromthepharmacyandaPost-Itnoteonher

desk:

BettersafethanJx


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ShehidtheClearBluetestkitinherdeskdrawandtriedtoignoreitwhileshe

workedontheoutlineofheracceptancespeech.Sheprobablywouldnthavetomakeit

anyway.Shehopednot,nottoday,notstandinginfrontofhundredsofherpeers.Sheread

thenotesthatshedpreparedthedaybefore.Onlyadayagoandalreadyitwaslikereading

ajournalfromherUniversitydays,shebarelyrecognisedtheself-confidenceimplicitinthe

organisedheadings:

Thankyous.Honour.Katchams.Thepowerofbrands.Loveforbrands.Emotionand

Loyalty.TheFuture.

Sheknewshewasntpregnant.Herbodyknew.Butthenfromsomewherecamea

doubt,acoldness.Shecouldbe.

TheawardwasforIndustryInnovator.Shewasoneoffournominees.Andrew

Katchamhadcometoherofficepersonallytocongratulateher.Realmomentumforour

reputation,hedboomed.Shedbeensoproud,toldeveryone.Whycouldntsherelateto

thatnow?

Snatchingthebagfromthedrawer,shestrodetothetoilet,eyesfixedonthecarpet

tilesafewfeetinfrontofher.

Inthecubicleshereadtheinstructions,remembereddoingthisbefore-Svenhad

announcedhimselfunderthebuzzingstriplightsofaservicestation-theawkwardness,

squattingandholdingtheteststickintothestreamwhiletryingtokeepaneyeonthetip.A

fewsecondsanditpinkened.Shereplacedthebluelidandlaidthestickontothemarble

flooring,satbackandstaredatthesprinklerintheceiling.Herleftlegvibrated.

Twominutes.

Shemadeeveryeffortnottothinkofwhatwouldhappenifacrossappearedinthe

resultswindow.Whatifshewas?Achild.Maxwouldbedelighted,buttheirrelationship

hadneverbeenworse.Shesaidshednevergothroughitagain.OhSvenohgod,Sven.Her

jobithadsethercareerbackyears.OrLuke?Shecouldnevertellhim.Anabortionthen,alone.Elbowsonkneessherestedherforeheadinherhands.Therewasthatsmell,foul.

Ifshewerepregnantshewouldhavefeltsomething:soreness,sickness,thatsenseof

somethinghappeninginherbody.Butmightitexplainthissenseofdislocation?Thisfeeling

thatshedneverreallyfeltanythingbefore?Itmightexplainthat.Shemightbepregnant.


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Shewatchedaredlightblinkingonthesmokealarm.Everysecond.Shecountedthe

blinks.Shemadeherselfcounttofifty,desperatelytryingtocontrolherthoughts.Nowshe

couldlook.

Inthediamondcontrolwindow,therewasasingleline;intheresultswindow,a

singleline.

Shesighed,wiped,andstoodup,straighteningherclothes.Thepackagingwas

disposedofintheflip-topbin,butshekeptthekitwrappedintoiletpaperinherpocket.

Shemightwanttocheckitagain.Lingeringtowashherhands,sheavoidedhereyesinthe

mirrors.Whilewalkingbacktoheroffice,shefeltasenseoflossthatshecouldntreally

fathom.Nowshedhavetofindanotherwaytodealwithwhatwashappeningtoher.The

lightinthecourtyardwasflatnow,agreygauzestretchedacrossthesky.

TheConferenceSuitewasinthenorthwestcornerofthecourtyard.Justbefore4.45

Katjaslidintothebackoftheauditorium.Lukewasstillspeaking.Withonehandholdinga

remote,hegesturedataPowerpointslidewithapassiondevelopedduringhoursof

trainingandyearsofexperience.ThiswaswhatLukedid,hesold,buthealwayssold

himself.Everyminuteaslicklydesignedslidewasreplacedashedevelopedhisargumentin

carefulincrements,buildingself-evidenttruthuponself-evidenttruth.

Advertisingstargethasalwaysbeenthepersonweaspiretobe:Young,smart,

savvy,handsome,successful,whateverwerenot.Katjawatchedhim.Hewastheepitome

ofexecutivesuccess.Addressing150seniorexecutivesinahumidauditorium,jacketless,

therewasnotatraceofsweatonhisshirt.Sheknewhewouldsmellasfreshasfabric

conditioner.Hisdarkhair,shortfrontandsides.Hisfingernailsmanicured,eventheshort

hairsonhishandswouldappeartrimmed.Nostrayhairsaroundhisthroat.Nohairsfrom

hisnoseorears.Hetookgreatprideinhisappearance;hispersonalbodyimage,ashecalledit.Helookedlikeoneofthoseshinymenfromamenswearcatalogue,neededonlya

sweaterdrapedoverhisshoulderstocompletethelook.Hewasalwaystryingtopersuade

hertolickhisperineum.

Thesemassivemulti-playervirtualworldsnowbeingcreatedonlinenationswith

shopsandschoolsandentertainment-arepopulatedbywhatareknownasavatars


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onlinerepresentationsofwhatorwhoeveryconsumerwouldliketobeiftheycouldbe

anything.Andbelievemetheresallsorts.Helaughedinawaythatsaidheknewtheyd

lovewhatwascoming.TheresevenTheFurriesacommunityofpeoplewhojustwantto

besmallandfurry!

Butseriously,whilesomepeoplemayhavegivenupjobsintherealworldtoopen

shopsthatsellcomputercoderepresentationsofdesignerjeans,therealkillerapplication

formarketeersiswhatwecanlearnaboutconsumeridentities.REMEMBER:theresno

scarcityinanonlineenvironmentonceanobjectiscreateditcanbeinfinitelyrecreated.

Thereisnoscarcity.Appreciatingthisleadstothekillerapplication:Everyavatar

representsthedreamsandaspirationsofadollar-bearingconsumer.Sowhen

MarlboroMan3171drivesaJeepCherokee,drinksSunnyDelight,ownsaDalmatianand

worksasanarchitect,wearebeinggivenanunfilteredinsightintothisconsumersWhat

if?scenario.Itdoesntmattertousyetwhothispersonis.Whenweaggregateandmineall

this,wevegotrawdatalinkingCherokeestoDalmatians.WecanlearnhowtoselltotheI

WannaBeidentity.Thisisntjustsellingsizzlenotsausage.Thisissellingtosomeones

strongestaspirations,theirdeepestemotionalneeds.

Justbefore5pmhewoundup,tellinghisaudience.

Thecompaniesthatexploitthiskindofrawdataenvironmenttooptimisetheir

consumergoodsmarketingwillsurviveandthrive.Theywillsellwhileothersjustadvertise

andstockshelves.Ironicallyrealworldcorporatesurvivalwilldependonaneffective

virtualpresence.Fortheremainder,thosewhofailtoadapt:Extinction,pureandsimple.

Thankyou.

Applauseclatteredaroundtheroom.

ThewordextinctionjarredKatja.Therewassomethingreptilianaboutthewaythis

urbanemetromanrelishedit.Lukewasacold-bloodedpredator.Katjarealisedthatshehad

wantedhimforhiscleanlines,self-control,defttongue,nowshewasseeingpastthecamouflageforthefirsttime.Behindthetrappingsofambitionandsuccesswasanother

man.Spooked,shefeltthatdreadagain,acoldfistclosedroundherheart;shespanround

andleftthetheatrebeforetheQ&Abegan,hopinghehadntspottedher.Takingthestairs

twoatatime,shedecidedtocrossthecourtyardbacktoheroffice,followingthediagonal

pathacrossthegravel,roundthepond.Thankfullytherewasnosignoftheswans.


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Approachingthewatershewasswampedbytiredness,sheslumpeddown,alittledizzy,on

oneofthestonebenches.

Theofficecubiclesoverlookedher.Shewasvisibletoeveryonewithintheinner

complex.Hergazedroppedandcircledtheovoidpebblesbetweenherfeet.Forthefirst

timeshecametoseewhatshedrefusedtoseeallday.Thismorningwhenshewokeup,

emotionallyshot,shedbeengivenagift.Bysomepsychologicalorneurologicalaccident,

heremotionalmemories,herhabitualfeelings,hadbeenwipedaway.Shesawthather

reactionsthroughoutthedayhadbeenfirst-handemotions,unhinderedbyallthethings

shebelievedaboutherself,allthethingsshedbeentoldaboutherself,andtoldherself

aboutherself-allhadbeenunwired.Shehadthefreedomofachildtolike,todislike.Agust

ofwindbustledthroughthetopsoftheevergreensandshefeltasenseofawe.She

straightenedherback,squaredhershouldersandclenchingherfistsknuckledown,shefelt

aforcebuzzthroughher.Nowsheknewwhatshewasdoing.Hersistersfaceappearedin

hermindseyejustasshedlookedtwentyyearsbefore:herblueeyesintenseasshe

vehementlydeclared,NomanisbornaPriest.Thatwasthelasttimeshedseenher.

Katjasmiledtoherselfandstood.Cloudspassedoverhead.Closetothepathtwo

swansdanced,theirlongnecksweaving,oneextendeditswingsfullstretch.Incredible.She

followedthecloudstowardstheatrium,knowingthatoncetheywereblownaway,sunlight

wouldfollow.

Hi,Keith,shesaidasherushedagaintotheliftdoor.

EveningMsSvenson.Hiseyescaughthers.Youlookhappy.

Iam,Keith.Iam.

Theliftopenedandshestrodeinwithouthesitating,turningshepushedthebutton

andsmiledtohim.AnditsKatja.


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CHAPTER2

Theysatintheirusualseats,atoppositeendsofCamillascouch.Katjasearlier

optimismwasalreadyfading.Theworngreencushions,thedustycarpet,twosmalllead

framedwindows.Sodrab,somehowsolinkedtodepthsplumbedbutneverbottomed,

conflictsairedbutneverresolved.EvenCamilla,herpurplecardiganflatteningherbreasts

againstherchest,herdamagedhairhangingaroundherface,leftKatjafeelingenervated.

Sherecalledstaringatthetarnisheddoilyonthetable.Hereyesmovedautomaticallytoitnow.BesideherMaxsbreathingwaslaboured.

Whowantstostartthen?askedCamilla,fingeringherseashellnecklace.Youboth

seemalittleheavy?

KatjalookedatMax.Whatwasshesupposedtosay?Bytheway,Max,Iwokeupthis

morningandmymindhadbeenaltered.


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Maxspoke,Wevebeenarguingalot,morethanalot.Itseemslikeitsjustonething

afteranother.Lastnightwastheworst.

Heturnedtoher,hiseyesglazed,hislipstwisted.Thishauntedmanwasher

husband,Svensfather.Apale,reliable,man,withalargeroundnoseanddarkdeep-set

eyes;notahandsomeman,butamanwithaburdensomesenseofresponsibility,moral

rectitude.Howunhappyisthisman,shethought?Howhavewedonethistoeachother?

Theideathathismarriagecouldbefailingseemedunbearabletohim.

Hecontinued,Wesaidsomeunforgivablethings.Shewaslatehomefromworkas

alwayssorrynot,asalways,assheoftenis.Svenwasntthere.

HisheadswivelledbacktoCamilla.

Iaskedherwhethershecaredwherehewas.Hecouldvebeenanywhere.Hesbeen

disappearingforlongperiodslately.

Camillawasnoddingrhythmically.

Shesmelledofalcoholandbecameveryirrational.Shesaidsomeprettyincredible

stuffactually.Hecaressedhisforeheadwithonehand.Somestuffaboutaboutregretting

shedeverhadchildren,abouthowsheregrettedmarryingone,abouthowitwasntright

thatsheshouldalwaysbemadetofeelguilt.Idontwanthertofeelguilty,butthereare

certainresponsibilitiesthatcomewithparenthood.Theydontgoaway.Shehastorealise

that.Hesighed.Eventuallyshecalmeddownandfellasleeponthecouch.Iwenttobed

hopingshedseesenseovernight.ThismorningItriedtopatchthingsup,butshewasI

dontknow.Itsimpossibleatthemoment.

AsKatjalisteneditwasasifsomeoneweredescribingtheeventsofasilentfilm

shedjustwatched.Shewasprettysuretheywerefactuallyrightbuttherewassomething

missing,somethingwrongabouttheaccount.Somehiddenmemory,morelikeamuscle

memorythanaconsciousmemory,toldherthatatthispointKatjaSvensonwouldbe

furiouswithMax.Beingattackedasaparent,awife,ahumanbeingwouldhavedrivenherintoarage.

Camillaturnedtoher.

Beforewehearyourtruth,Katja.PerhapsyoucouldtellmewhatyouheardMax

say?


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Katjacrossedherlegsandwatchedherfootbounce.Thesilenceextended.Camilla

waswaiting.Maxseemedtobestaringintothedarkestcorneroftheroom.Katjarodeher

feelings,timeslowed,shespokeclearly.

IwasonthesofawhenIwokeup,itmusthavebeenaroundoneortwo.Ididnt

rememberfallingasleep.Iwasabitblurry.Thelightwasoninthekitchen.

Onthetable,proppedupinasaucepan,wasapheasant.Ithinkitwasashe,a

brownone.Therewasawoundinitsneckandthekitchenwasfilledwiththissmell.The

woundseemedtobemoving.Iwentcloser.Theyweremaggots.Igagged.Thestench.

Maxwasstarringatherbynow.Shecouldsensehisdisbelief.

IknewIcouldntleaveitthere.God,thesmellItookitouttothebinsandtipped

thesaucepanupsidedown.Itwouldntcomeout.MaggotsdroppedoffasIshookit.

Whoeverputittherehadpusheditdownintothepan.Ifoundastickandtriedtopryitout

buttheendjustsankintothefleshlikeitwasbutter.Ifoundaplasticbag.Iputmyhand

in

Maxinterrupted,ForGodssake,Katja.Thisisridiculous.Howcanyoucomeout

withthisrubbish?

Sheturnedtohimslowly.Iputmyhandaroundthebird,pressedmyfingersdown

theside

Butyouhatebirds!

andmanagedtogetaholdonitandleveritout.ItdroppedintothebinandI

coveredit.

Iwashedthepan,washedmyhands.IdontknowImusthavebeenthereatleast

tenminutestryingtogetthatsmelloffmyhandseventhroughthebag.Putrid.Horrible.I

knewSvenhaddoneitandIcouldonlyguesswhyeveryexplanationwasjustsohorrible,

everyaspectsodisturbing.Imeanwhatkindofaboywoulddosomethinglikethat?Hes

onlyfifteen.Andwhatkindofmessagewashetryingtosend?Whatwashetryingtotellme?IdidntwanttothinkaboutitIstilldont.

Maxseyeswerehaunted.

Whyareyoudoingthis,Katja?

Camillalookedfromonetotheother.Sheseemedtobesearchingforsomethingto

say.Whatwasshesupposedtodowiththatstory,thoughtKatja?


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Perhaps,shebegan,wecanbeginbyestablishingthatSvenisveryunhappy.Hes

suffering.Nowthisisntaboutblame,butitisaboutresponsibility,andIthinkyouneedto

worktogethertobuildanurturingenvironmentforateenageboy.Tobeginwith,aless

angrylesstenseatmosphere.

Maxwasonhisfeet.Imsorry,Camilla,butIcantlistentothiscrap.Shecomes

homedrunk,probablyfromflirtingawaythenightwithoneorotherofhermarketing

croniesandthenconcoctsthismelodrama.Thisdidnothappentoher.Thisiscrapshes

comeupwithtoavoidresponsibilityforheractions,herrepeatedfailurestoprioritiseher

family.

Max,please,saidCamilla.Pleasesitdown.Iknowthisishard.

Maxstoodforasecond,lookedfromCamillatoKatjathenbackagain.Eventuallyhe

satdownontheedgeofthecouch,hisheadinhishandsashisbodychokedwithtears.

Camillawasleaningforward,herarmsrestingonherknees.Sheseemedtobe

reachingouttohim.Max,youcantmakepeoplewantwhatyouwantpurelybyaforceof

will.YouhavetotryandacceptthatKatjaisdoingthebestshecan.Itmightnotbeexactly

whatyouddo.butyoucanonlyberesponsibleforyourbehaviour.Canyouthinkabout

that?

Hewaslikeaboy,thoughtKatja.Asixfoottwo,fifteenstoneboy.Thesobsslowed

andhelookedup,pulledahandkerchieffromhissuitpocketandblewhisnoseloudly.

Whenhespokeitwasobvioushewaspickinghiswordscarefully,tryingeachoneforsize

andweightbeforeheofferedit.MarryingKatjawasablessingIneverfeltIdearned.Every

otherpartofmylife,mycareer,relationships,evenwithSven,theywereallareasofmylife

wherewhereIcouldapplyaworkethicandreceiveareward.ButsinceKatjaagreedto

marryme,Ivetriedtobewhatahusbandshouldbe.HeturnedtoKatjanowandcupped

herkneewithhislargehand.Neverforadayhastherebeenacorrelationbetweenmy

effortandourhappiness.IrealiseIhaveaslittleideawhosheistodayasIdidseventeenyearsago.Ijustdontknowwhosheis.

TheydmadeithometodressfortheAwards.Shemanagedtofindsomethingthat

didntmakeherfeeltooexposed.ArichchocolatetaffetagownandapairofblackBallys.


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Shedidntknowhowtheykeptthingsgoing.SheguesseditwasbecauseMaxwasastickler

forcorrectbehaviour,formeetingcommitments,nomatterhowtheymightbefeeling.They

probablynevershouldhavegone,butwhatcouldshedo?Twoseatswerereservedatthe

Katchamtable,hersnexttoAndrew.Therewouldbetheprize-giving.

Theydrovetotheconferencehallinsilence.Maxsfacewasshrouded;hedrove

angrily,rippingthecarintoturns;bypassingthesemi-automatic,herevvedheavily,

throwingthecaroutofthecorners.Hewasmakingapoint,butKatjawastoopre-occupied

toreact.Theoptimismshedfoundinthecourtyardhadquicklydecayedwhenexposedto

thebrutalrealityofherlife.Shemightbestartingafresh,butnooneelsewas.

WhentheyfoundtheKatchamtable,everyonewasthere.Acircleofmeninblacktie,

paintedwomeninmagentaandpurplefrocks,hairup.Katjamwahedherwayaroundthe

table,throughcloudsofChristianDiorandChanel,PoloandArmani.

AndrewKatchamsvoicecalledouttoanembarrassedwaitress.Mydear,couldwe

possiblyhaveonemorebottleofChampagne.Bollingerwouldbegreat.

Here,Katja.Ourgoldengirlmusthaveaglass.

HeturnedtoMax.

Max,oldboy,howareyou?Sogladyoucouldmakeit.Hetoweredoverthemboth.

Shewasrelievedwhenthestarterarrived,relieveditwasafoiegrasterrine

somethingthatkeptherbusyaseveryoneelsechatted.

MaxwasanimatedlydiscussingtheMiddleEastwithKeithBoydswife,Margaret,a

seniorcivilservantintheForeignOffice.Katjaadmiredtheirrestrainedanimation,their

keenness.

WasitSylviaPlathwhowrotesomethingaboutabelljar,thoughtKatja?Shednever

readitbutguessedthetitlemustevokethewayshefeltrightthen,trappedbehindglass.

Isolated.Theycouldallheareachother,understandeachother.Theycouldexpresstheir

views,bepassionate.Meaninglikesounddoesnttravelthroughavacuum;itrequiresamedium.AndrewKatchamwascomparingdesignerbrandsBollingerversusVeuve.but

thatcouldjustbeacommunicatedratherthaninherenttrait.Whatdoyouthink,Katja?

Itslovely,shegoldfished,takingasipandwonderingwhethershewantedtobe

fetedasamarketingexpert.DidntPlathkillherself?


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TheMasterofCeremonieswasanenthusiasticScotswomanfromdaytimetelevision.

Herperformancewasbland,butallowedKatjatohidehercondition.Themoreshedrank,

themoretheglasswallsthickenedaroundher.TheMCwaswearingamidnightbluedress

withasparklingdiagonalband,whichfromKatjasseatglitteredagainstthestarry

nightscapethatlinedtheauditorium.Katjawonderedatthemessagethewomanspresence

wassupposedtodeliver.Marketingwasfun;wasalaugh;wasirreverentand

uncompromising;overweight;badlydressed.Themediumwasthemessage,shethought:a

stockyScotswomanwhosoldhercomedycareertoacorporate;acompromised,second-

rateentertainer.

Bigspeechready,Katja?Andrewleanedtowardsher,hiseyesrovingoverher

cleavage.Dontbangonaboutme.YouknowhowembarrassedIget.

Hecheckedthetableapprovedofhiswit.Theireyesweresparkling.

TheawardforMostProfessionalAccountManagerprecededIndustryInnovatorand

waswonbyasixfootgingergirlinareddress.ShewasfromKPGonthenexttable.

Screaminglikeanactressshescamperedtothestage.Thefirststeptrippedherandshe

lookedanxiouslybackathertable.Theydmissedherhumiliation,toobusytoastingeach

other,chantingthecorporatemantra,K-P-G,bethebestwithme.

ThegirlkissedtheMC,huggedherlikeanoldfriend,thengushedincoherentlyinto

themicrophone,bathingintheattention,beforetheMCslidherprofessionallyaway.

AmidstthedinKatjastoodwithoutaword.Pickingupherhandbag,shedisappeared

intothetorrentofapplause.Herflightforcedhertobustpasttables,knockingpeopleaside.

Redraucouslaughingfacesloomedaroundher;shepressedon.Bythetimeshereachedthe

edgeoftheroom,shewasgatheringpace.Outinthecorridorshestopped,rippedoffher

Ballysandranwiththeminonehand.ShefollowedthegreenEXITsignsalongorange-

carpetedcorridors,throughaseriesofflappingwoodendoorswiththickglasswindows.

Shereachedthefireexitanddesperatelyhopingthatitwasntconnectedtoanalarm,sherammedthequickreleasehandle.

Thebackstreetwasdarkandnarrow.Apileoftenorfifteenbluebinbagslinedone

wall.Atrailofurineranoffthestep.Totherightwasthemainstreet,theheavypedestrian

trafficofasummerevening.Thecrowdseemedendless,shortandtall,blackandwhite,

greatlongstridesandstrainedwaddles.Aboveallthiswasthenoise,aconcatenationof


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sounds,eachoneindiscriminate,eachoneseepingintoanother.Shewasfilledwithadread

thatshemightbedissolvedintotheirinfinitecomplexity.

Asshepulledonhershoes,thefugofurinefilledhernoseandthroat.Sheheldher

breath,gatheredherself,thenranovertheuneventarmac,outofthealleyandintothe

crowd.Thehumanriveracceptedherandshemovedwithit,relievedtobeintheflow,

anonymous.Occasionallyshewasjostled;sheacceptedthis.Noonewantedanythingfrom

her.Allowingherselftobebuffeted,sweptalong,shebegantorelax,loseherself.

Thenightwasawhirlofpassingheadlights,gaudyshopwindowsandneonsigns,a

coneoforangebeloweachstreetlamp.Carhornssounded,enginesrevved.Besideheratall

boywithslopingshouldersmatchedherstrideforstride.Hehaddeepblackhollows

beneathhiseyesandpale,downycheeks.Hislowerlipsaggedwiththeweightofaheavy

steelring.Hiswildeyesscaredher.Suddenlyshebecameconsciousofherclothes.Therich

chocolateofhertaffetagownseparatedherfromthecrowd.Shefeltlikeadowager:astuffy,

middle-agedanachronism.ToherleftawomanbabbledinsomeEasternEuropean

language,longgutturalvowels.Shewaswearingjustasimplewhiteblouseandjeans,

trainers.Non-descript,Katjathoughtenviously.Awaveofself-consciousnesssweptover

her,shepushedthroughthethrongtotheedgeofthepavementandleanedouttohailataxi.

Shehadtogetaway;shecouldntendurethejudgementsshewaspassingonherself.

Asthetaxidoorslammed,thesoundsofthestreet,theturmoilfadedintothe

distance.Thedriverqueriedherdestination.

Yousure,love?Thatsgonnacostyouafortune.

Whatchoicedidshehave?Slumpinglowintheseat,sheallowedherselftobetossed

fromsidetoside.Nostrengthlefttoresist.

Thejourneyfromthecentreofthecitytoherhomewasfamiliar.Oneshedtravelled

withMaxonmanyspecialoccasions.Brightlylitwindowdisplayspeopledwithcolourful

mannequins;thesymmetricalausterityofhotelchains;filesofcarsateveryservicestation.Shehadtogetaway,gosomewhereshedbesafe,tosomeonewhodidntknowKatja

Svenson.Theflatfamiliarityoftheroutedeepenedherloneliness.Whowouldntexpect

anythingfromher?Janet,Sven,Luke,poorabandonedMax,theyallcarriedanideaofKatja

intheirheadsandifshedaredtoerrfromit,theydshownthemselvescapableonlyof

mocking,misunderstanding,dismissing.


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Astheyleftthethrobofthecity,sheclosedhereyesandanideacametoher.She

flippedhermobilephoneopen.Sheknewwhoshehadtocall.


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CHAPTER3

HerfirstnightatElCotoEsquisito,theycookedalegofpork.Slowroasteditover

charcoalinthelargestoneoven,knotsofrosemarysmokingintothekitchen.Asshesatat

thewoodentable,hereyesburned.Ruthsatonherleft.Katjastillhadtroublereconciling

thebrownandtousledtom-boybesideherwiththefragileandneuroticsistershed

watchedleaveStockholmtwentyyearsbefore.Herthindressflappinginthewindshed

carriedonlyasmallvaliseandafloppyhat;theydbarelyspokensince,onlyforfunerals.Hereyeswerealambentblueandthedepthsswam.Withoccasionalsmiles,shetriedtoput

thefrazzledKatjaatease.Theydalwaysbeensodifferent.Ruthworeabluevestanda

denimskirt,alooseleatherbandonherwrist.Katjadidntevennoticetheyweresmoking

jointsuntilthelong,darkhairedJonas,sittingtoherright,pressedonebetweenherfingers,

hischarcoal-smudgedfacesmilingintohers.


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Shetookitforasecondthenshookherhead,passingitback.Hetookadrag,brushed

somestragglinghairsawayfromhisface,thenexhaledtowardsher.Heheldthejointout

again,hisvoiceoddlystretchedasheinterruptedhisexhalation,Cia.

Ciareachedacrosstotakeit.Herdark,tangledhairwasheldbackbyaturquoiserag

thatmatchedherdoey,blueeyes.

Whatalovelycolour!saidKatja.

Ciasbrowfurrowed.

Inyourhair

Oh,this,yes,itsgorgeous,isntit?Jonasfounditforme.Itgoeswithmyearrings,

see?

Sheheldaclumpofhairawayfromherear.Katjacouldseeapalebluestoneofthe

typesoldtostudentsacrosstheworld.

Ithasmagicalpowers,healingpowers.Itchangescolourifsomethingbadisgoing

tohappen.Isntthatamazing?Herlonglashesflickered.

Katjatookaswigofredwineandsatback.Shewouldntbeunderanypressurehere.

Thierryleanedovertorefillherglass.HisgreenlumberjackshirtflappedinRuths

face.Histeethwerestained,largegapsbetweenthem.Closetofifty,hedressedyoung,

lookedworn-out.Hiseyeswereastone-washedslate,buriedindeepsockets,andhewas

thin;bonyarmspokedfromhissleeves.ShedidntknowwhatRuthsawinhim.His

fingernailsweregnawedandthickened,thecuticlesripped.

Theresnoappellationcontrolhere.Thatgoodwithyou?Somethingaboutthe

surfaceofhiseyes,theflat,carelessnessofhistoneintimidatedher.

Itslovely.Thankyoueveryone.Shesmiledtocatchhersisterseye.Thankyou,

Ruth.

Hersisterwasdrawingintentlyonajointpinchedbetweenthumbandforefinger.

Katjasupposedshedgetusedtoit.Theyservedthemeatwiththeirhands,helpingthemselvestosaladfromabowlthe

sizeofasink.Asshechewedachunkofthescentedflesh,Katjareflectedhownaturalthis

was.Howthefoodwasunrefinedandpure,howtheyateforpleasure,withoutpretence.

Katjatoreatthemeat.

Thisisgreat.


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Jonasnoddedenthusiasticallyashedippedhismeatintoabasinofredwinesauce.

Thisisliving.Myfatherisasuperbchef.Ihopeitgoesfathertoson.Helaughedloudly,his

mouthstillfilledwithmeatandsalad.HeraisedhisglasstotoastThierry.Goodjob,Papa.

Jonas,askedCia.Shallwegototheseatomorrow?

Sure,hesaidsmiling,restinghisbrownhandlightlyonKatjasarm.Wouldyou

liketoseetheseatomorrow?

KatjalookedtoRuth.Idontknow.IthinkIdratherjustbearoundhere.Theresso

muchtosee.IreallywanttotryandsettleinbeforeIrunoff.

Goodplan,saidJonas.Wellgiveyouthegrandtour,

Thierrypushedhisplateasideandwenttostand,butRuthshandreachedout.He

shookitoff.Come,Marco,hesaidtothesmallunkemptItalianinablackwaistcoatand

jeans.Timeforportandcigars.Seeyoulater,mypeople.

MarcowasThierrysfriend,theirneighbour.Hehadabrokenbeard,patchyand

wispy,andhisskinwassallow.Hespokerarely,becomingenthusiasticonlywhen

discussingmusic.Katjahadneverseenhissunkeneyes.

Beforetheylefttheroom,Ruthsvoicerangoutshrilly.

Weregonnahavetogetyousomeotherclothes,Katja.Thosearegonnaget

wrecked.

Katjawassuddenlyveryconsciousthatshewastheonlypersoninbranded,fitted

clothing.

Itdoesntmatter,shesaid,dismissingthefacthersilkchemisehadcost200.

Weshoulddoaclothesfair.Letsdoaclothesfair,saidCia.

Katjalookedconfused.

Weputalltheclotheswedontwantanymoreintoapiletheneveryonecantake

onepieceeach.Wegoroundandrounduntilnoonewantswhatsleft.Cool,huh?

KatjanoticedthatRuthseyeskeptwanderinganxiouslytowardsthedoorofthebackroom.TheydidntseeorhearThierryorMarcoagainthatnight,butitwasobvious

theywerestilltherebecauseascratchyLeonardCohenLPseemedtoberunningonaloop.

TheydrankthelocalwineandKatjafelthereyelidsbegintohang.Itwasalittleafter

tenwhenCiadraggedJonasawaybythearm.

Come,shesaid,pullinghim.Wemustletthesistershavesomealonetime.


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KatjaandRuthfoundacoupleofdeckchairsonthebalconyatthefrontofthelodge.

Beforethemthelastofthesunwasbleedingfromthehorizon.Themoonwasalreadyhigh

inthesky.Itseemedbiggerhere.Foralongtimetheysatinsilence.Katjasthoughts

wandered.Toherflight.Tothepleasureofbeingfree.ToRuth.Theirpast.

Nomanisbornapriest,saidKatja.Doyourememberwhenyousaidthattome?

Ruthsmiled.Ofcourse.Nietzsche.Ha!ItsalongtimesinceIthoughtofthat.

Ineverunderstoodwhatitmeant.

Ruthtriedtocontrolashiver.

Youcanthavebeenmorethansixteenwhenyousaidthat.Katjareachedfora

blanketfromtheshelvesbesideher.Youwantone?

Ruthshookherhead,staredoutoverthevalley.Athickmistcoveredtheolive

groves.Itwasliketheywereflying,abovetheclouds.Whenitslikethis,IknowwhyIm

here.Iveleftthepastbehind,saidRuth.Hereyeswanderedtothepink-bluesky.Whatdo

youthinkofThierry?

Katjahesitatedthenthequestionwasoutbeforeshecouldstopherself.

Whatarethosemarksonhisarms?

Ruthsmiled,hercrookedteethglowinginthehalf-light.Helikestocallthemtracks.

Junkieshavestatusissuestoo,youknow.

Isthatwhathesdoingnow?

Probably.

Hmm.Shefeltherlipstwitch.

Itseasytojudge,saidRuthwithoutannoyance.IcouldjudgeyouifIchose.

NomoreharshlythanIjudgemyself.

Yousure?YoudontknowwhatIhadtogothrough.Didyoueverthinkwhatmakesateenagercomeoutwithsomethinglikethat?Doyourememberwhatitwaslikeforme?

Thegratingofcicadasclosedinonthem.

Katjaspokeslowly.IthinkIknowwhatitmeansnow.YouseeIgrewupthinking

therewassomethingwrongwithyou,somereasonwhyyouneverconformed.Itusedto


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makemeangrythewayyouwouldntfitin.YouseemedtodeliberatelytryandupsetMum

andDad.Theyjustwantedthebestforyou.

Thebest?Ruthinhaledunsteadily,theburningtiponthejointlengthening,

sparking,thenexhaledsharply.SpoiltlittleKatjastillbelievesparentsactinourbest

interests.

Katjasfaceslumped.

Yousmokealotofthatstuff,dontyou?

Ruthsaidnothing,justpickedsomeburntpaperfromthetip.

Katjacontinued,Theydidtheirbest,youknow.Theythoughteducationwas

important.Theywantedyoutobeindependent.

Theywantedmetobelikethem,likeyouwerelikethem.Theyneverconsidered

whatIwanted.Ihadtofightforeveryinchofmyidentity.TheycouldntacceptthatIdidnt

wantthelifetheydplannedforme.

Butbeingforcedtofinishschool,itisnttheworstthingthatcouldhappen.

Itwasntforme.Ineverwantedtobeinaninstitution.Ididntwantthemtoturn

meintosomethingIwasnt.Ineverdid.SoifThierryisntperfect,sowhat?Henevermakes

medothingsIdontwant.

Butisntheoutofhisheadmostofthetime?

Heiswhatheis.ItsmyfaultifIcantacceptit.Ruthsnortedalaugh.IronicI

supposeImjustlikeourparents.IhavetofightmyInnerControlFreak.

Katjastaredintothedarkness;slowlyshecametoseemultipleamoebioflight

floatingacrosshervision.Shebitherlipasathoughtfrozeher.

IthinkImanappallingMother.

Thesummerdayswerehotandlong.MostdaysKatjawouldbefirstup.Shedcleanthekitchen,scrubpotsandpans,sweepdustandbuttsoutontothepatio,thenscrapethem

intooldpaperfeedbags.Theearlypartofthedaywasherfavourite,listeningtolocalradio,

waitingforthesuntoburnthemistfrombetweentheolivetrees.

Marco,whorarelymadeithomeafterasessionwithThierry,wouldbenext,

stumblingthroughthekitchenbuttoninghiswaistcoat,arolledcigarettehangingfromhis


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lip.SometimesshewouldhearasquealfromJonasandCia,whosharedaroomonthe

groundfloorbesidethekitchen.Thierrywouldbestraighttothestovetobrewacoffeeas

thickassoupandblackastar.Ruthalwayssaunteredinlater,hipsswinging,pullingher

hairbackintoaband.ShewouldleanoverKatjaandkissherabovetheear.

Morning,CatFlap.

ShewouldcomeroundandmeetKatjaseyeswithasmile.Theirfaceswereso

differentbutthereweresimilarities:thefreckles,thecurveonthebridgeofthenose,the

sharpnessoftheirchins.Itwaslikelookingatanalternativeversionofherself.Aversion

shewasbecomingincreasinglyfondof.

Betweenbreakfastandlunchtheywouldkeepthemselvesbusy.ThierryandJonas

woulddisappearoutontothefarm,supposedlyworkingintheolivegroves,thoughKatja

suspectedtheyspentmostofthetimesitting,smoking.RuthandCiamadejewellery,

stringingbeadsontolengthsofleather,weavingsilverwireearringsinintricatepatterns.

Onceamonththeyhadastallinthestatecapital.Katjawouldspendlonghoursinherroom,

reading,listeningtotheradioJonashadleanther.Oftenshewouldfindherselfstaringinto

thedarkenedcorners,relivingmemories,tryingtomakesenseofthem.Thehighshuttered

windowandruggedwhitewashedwallsmadeitfeellikeacell:conventorjailshecould

neverdecide.Theyallseemedhappytoleavehertoherownthing.Shefeltherconfidence

growing.OnemorningRuthandCiataughthertomakebread.Theyeastysmellcomforted

her.

Intheafternoontheydswiminthecreek.Katjacouldntrememberthelasttime

shedbeennakedoutdoorsbeforeandshewasveryconsciousofherwhiteness.Ciawas

fifteenyearsyoungerandKatjadhadtoforceherselftoputasidehernaturalshyness,her

dislikeofbeingcompared.Jonaswouldstandnakedontheboughofatree.Hedbalance,

armsextended,carefullypickingapointintheeddyingwater,beforediving,straight-

bodiedandstraight-limbed,intotheshadows,re-surfacingwithawhoop.Thewaterwascold.Hedappearnexttoher,treadingwaterwithansmirkonhislips.Withoutshame,his

eyeswouldseekoutherbreastsinthegreenwater.Ciawouldquicklyjointhemandhe

wouldpaddleaway,hiscoldlegbrushinghers.AtfirstKatjawasworriedRuthwouldsay

something,warnheroff,embarrassher,butsoonrealisedthatwasntherstyle.


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OnthedayRuthandCiatooktheirjewellerytothemarket,Katjastayedbehind.She

didntfancythelongrideinthebackoftheLandRover,thepressoftourists.Ciahadoffered

torideintheback,butKatjawouldnthaveit.

Katjawasaloneatthepoolthatafternoon,sunbathingonarockwaitingforthesun

togodown.ShewassurprisedwhenJonasappeareddownthepath,awovenbagslungover

hisshoulder.Heheldthebagaloft,Iboughtyousomesupplies.

Heunpackedthebagbeforeher.Mountainfood:somewine,somecheese,some

bread.Raisingoneeyebrow,heproducedtwopinkglassgobletswithgolddetailing.Shed

seenthembeforeashecarriedthemintohisroom.

WheresThierry?sheasked,realisingshewasabouttoallowherselftobeseduced

byhis28yearoldson.

Theydrankthewineandhepersuadedhertotryajoint.Soonhewaspullingher

intohislap,pressingthetarryroachbetweenherlips.HesmeltofThierrysMetaxa.His

coldfingerstastedbitteragainstherlips.Sheinhaleddeeply;thefragrantresinfilledher

lungs,thebloodrushedtoherheadandshecoughedrepeatedly.Hermouthbecamedry.

Shepressedagainsthim,pressinghermouthoverhis,hertongueagainsthislips,pushing

thehoodedtopoffhishead.

Thatsbetter,hesaidintohermouth.Releasethebeast.

Inthebackofhermindshefeltpatronised,butstonedandturnedon,shetuned

thesethoughtsout.Whatdiditmatter?Sheknewwhatshewanted.

Afterwardstheysnoozednakedineachothersarms.Theskydarkened.Asthey

headedbacktowardsElCoto,thepeachmoonwasalreadyup.Theeveningairwasheavy

andscented.Katjasavouredhernakednessastheywanderedthroughthepasture,up

towardsthelodge.Asitslightsbecamevisible,hekissedheragain,wantingherinaway

thatfilledherwithpleasure.Sheguidedhimdownontothebareearth,pressinghis

normallyslumpedshoulderssquareontothecrackedredsoil.Shepushedagainsthishardness.Eyesclosed,focusedonherownpleasureshewaitedforthewaves,ridingthem,

ridinghim,untilshealmostcriedoutintothenight.Sheopenedhereyes,themoonlitherin

silver,likeastatue.Thescreamstoppedinherthroat,perhapsitwastheshockofthemoon

orthepresenceofthehousebehindher.Herorgasmpulsedthroughher,buttheexcitement

diedinherthroat.


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Afterwardsshebecameconsciousofhernakedness,thelightfromthekitchen,from

RuthandThierryswindow.Hewasstillrigidinsideher,waiting.Sheswungherselfoff.

Thanks,sweetie.Illseeyoulater.Pullingonhershirtandcarryingtheremainder

ofherclothesinherarms,shelefthimonthehillside.Thatwouldteachhimtopatronise

her.

TwodayslaterandKatjaandRuthwerealoneinthekitchen,justafternoonona

scorchingdayinlateAugust.ThedryLevechewhippingupfromtheSahara,stirringupthe

dustinthecourtyard.Katjawaskneadingdough,firmrhythmicalpresses,bubblesand

imperfectionsdisappearing.Katjawasstillupsetbytheeventsofpreviousnight.Ruth

seemedtohavedismissedthem.

Youcanusethephoneifyouwant,youknow?saidRuth.

ShefeltRuthshandstrokeherhead.

Itsthewind,youknow.Itaffectseveryone.AlwaysremindsofmeofVanGogh

whenthemadwindscome.

Illbefine.Justoneofthosedayswhenmemoriescomefromnowhere.

BeforeshecouldcontinuetherewasaclatteringfromthedoorwayofJonasandCias

room.CiaappearedinacrepeorangeMoroccandressandoneofhisfadedt-shirts.On

seeingKatjashespanroundandleantbackintotheroom.

Honey,youwantacoffee,baby?

Sure.Sure.

Jonassloppedout,groominghishairbackintoaponytail.

Hello,ladies.Whatyoudoing?Makingbread?Goodforyou.

HewasclosetoKatjanow,behindher,leaningoverher.Smellsgood.Nothinglike

thesightofwomenmakingbread.Thatwassomenight,huh?HelookeduptoRuth.HowzTheDaddymantoday?

Ruthslipspursedandshestrodetothesinkandbegannoisilywashingglasses.

Katjahadgonetobedearlythepreviousnight,triedtogotosleep,butitwasoneof

thoserarenightswhenThierrydidntretiretothebackroom.Whetherhewasoutofjunk


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orjustoutforadifferentkindofnight,shedidntknow.Themusicandlaughterwenton

wellpastthree.

Shewasntsurewhattimetheshoutingstarted.Itbeganwiththesoundofachair

smashingagainstawall.Upstairsinbedshefeltlikeachild:downbelowMumandDad,

screamingandcursing,whilesheburiedherfaceinthefeatherpillow.Thefearwas

memorable,aparticularterror,asiftheshoutsandhissingmightheraldtheendoflifeas

sheknewit.Therewasanothercrashandthemusicstopped.Somecrockerysmashed.

Therewasaheavythud.AdoorslammedthenThierrysbellow,Youstayinthere.Youcan

fuckingstayinthere.Putaindemerde.

RuthssobswrenchedatKatja,sheswungoutofbed,pulledonasweattopandran

downthestairsintothekitchen.Thierrywasstandingbesidethedoortothebackroom,

onearmleaningontheframe.Marcowassittingbackintheoldredarmchair,abottleof

cheapvodkaswinginginhishand.Atthecornerofthetable,JonasandCiaweresitting,a

jointburningintheashtraybetweenthem.Thetablewaslitteredwithbottlesandglasses,

andthedirtyyellowelectriclightthrewapallacrosstheroom.

Katjahesitatedforasecondthenwentforthebackroomdoor.

Jonaswasonhisfeet,blockingher.No,Katja.Thisisnotyourbusiness.Bloodshot

eyes,aresidueofredwinearoundhislipsandafilmoverhisteeth.Hisindexfinger

extended,rigid,andstabbedherinthechest,betweenherbreasts.No!hesaid.Thierry

loomedbehindhim.

Thisisnotyourproblem,Katja.Hiseyeswereunblinking,reptilian.Ifyouwantto

survivehere.Youwilllearntoshowrespect.

Jonasfingergroundintoherbreastbone.Shegrabbeditandtwisted.

Respect,Thierry!Respect!Ifyouvehither

Thierrywaspointingnow.Youthinkyoucanjustcomedownhereandchangethe

waywelive.IthinkNO!CiapushedherselfbetweenJonasandKatja,Katjawasforcedtoreleasehisfinger.

Ithinkitsbetterifyouleave,saidCia.

Katjafroze:theinstinctstofightandfleeinperfectbalance.Shefeltherlegstense,

thebloodthumpedinhertemples.

Please,Kat.Please.Imfine.Ruthsmuffledpleacamethroughthedoor.


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Ciapointedtothestairs,Go.

Please,Kat.Imfine.

Sheturnedandwentreluctantlybacktobed.Shesleptatorturedsleep.

NowshewatchedRuthatthesink,herfuryevidentinthejabbingofherelbow,the

rigidityofhershoulders.KatjawassurprisedwhenRuthturnedtohersmiling.

WhydontyouandIgoanddotheshop?Justthetwoofus?Weregonnahavea

feasttonight.

AsmilecameslowlytoKatjaslips,Thatdbegreat.

Ruthwasdriving,theLandRoverbouncingroundcorners,andKatjawasrelievedto

beoffthewindingprecipiceofthetarmacedroad.TheyleftthemountainvillageofCasares

behindandenteredthegroveofdustyolivetreesthatledbacktowardsElCoto.Thebackof

theLandRoverwasfilledwithheavypaperbagsstockedwithflourandpotatoes,aslabof

Estrellastobeshared,abottleofMetaxaforThierry,somerollingpapersandaloafof

GitanesforJonas,handcreamforCia.MarcoonlywantedacopyofRollingStone.Otherwise

alltheydpurchasedwereoddsandends,someluxuriestoturnamealintoafeast.Itwas

onlythesecondtimethatKatjahadleftElCotointhemonthsinceshedarrived.Herdirty

handsgrippedthetornblackseatcushions.Theairwasfilledwithheatanddustandthecut

ofdiesel.

Ruthsatonthefrontoftheseat,herarmshungroundthesteeringwheel,ridingthe

bumpsandruts.Katjadidntknowhowtotalktoher.ItwasOKwiththebigstuff,theheavy

conversationslateatnightaloneonthebalcony,accompaniedbyscratchingbeetlesand

whisperingcicadas,butthedayswerehard.Ruthskindnesswasneverindoubt,butafter

lastnighttheeverydaystuffwasawkward.Wasitunfeelingtoallowthedarknessofthe

nighttoinvadetheday?RuthmusthavefeltKatjaseyesonher,sheturned.

Whatstheword,CatFlap?Shegrinned,shoutingovertheroarofthedieselengine.

Katjaturnedbacktothetrack,thetunneloftreesaheadofthem.Iwasjustthinking

howfarIvecome.Sheheldupherhands.Lookatmynails!


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YoucantpluckachickenwithaFrenchManicure,CatFlap.Yourejustgonnahave

tolivewiththat.

ThelasttimetheydhadafeastMarcohadslaughteredfivepullets.WhileThierry

preparedinthekitchen,theydcleanedthem.Sitttingaroundthefire,Katjafaceddownthe

memoryofherphobia.Theytriedtoteachhertheartofplucking.Withshort,assured,rips

theypulledthefeathersfromthestillwarmflesh.ForKatja,theeerinesswasaggravatedby

thesoftforminherhands.Shethoughtitwouldbethefeathersthatdisturbedher,butit

wastheshapeandfeelofthebird.Thefirstfinefeathersonthebreastcameawayeasily,

butasthedelicatewhiteskinwasexposed,shefeltmoreandmorethatitwasababyshe

heldinherhands,itsnecklimpandthelastheatseepingthoughitsskinintoherhands.

Shedgagged,tastedbile,droppedthebirdontothegroundandranoutintothedarkness,

betweentheblacksilhouettesofolivetrees,untilshelefttheshoutsandlaughterbehind

her.

Atthecrestofthehillshestoppedandlookedback.Anorangelightfromthekitchen

littheterrace.Ruth,CiaandMarcowerestilllyingbackinthedeckchairsaroundthefire,

Jonaswasanoutlineagainsttheflames,butKatjacouldnttellifhewaslookingoutintothe

darknessafterher,orfacinginwardstowardsthegroup.

AbovehertherichseamoftheMilkyWaystoodoutandshewonderedathowmuch

closeritseemedonthishilltop.ThensherememberedthatshewasintheMilkyWay,

maybenotinthestillcentre,butonaswirlingarm,stillpartofit,notaspectator.Shesat

downonthehardearthandrubbedherhandsinthedust.Hangingherheadforward,she

askedherself,didshereallybelonghere?Theburntsoilcarriedthearomaofcinnamon.

TheLandRoverveeredchaoticallyaroundthefinalbend.ShedidntlookatRuth,

justsaidquietly,ImnotsureImevergonnabeachickenplucker,Ruth.Ithinkweboth

knowthat.

Ruthslappedherknee.Heythere.Youdonthavetopluckchickenstoimpressme.Imjustgladtogiveyou

refuge.

Theypulledintothelargewalledcourtyardinfrontoftheoldfarmhouse,achaosof

drieddirt,nettlesandgrasseswhichclimbedthewalls.JonasgreenVWCombiwasstill

parkedinfrontofthemaindoor,grassbeginningtopressupintothewheelarches.


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Ruthswitchedofftheengineandassheclimbedout,Katjacaughtsightofthebruise

onthepointofhershoulder.Shewincedaloud.Itwasraw,purple.Thethickbloodclotted,

dense,inridges,belowtheskin.Katjacouldpictureafist.

Ruthsexpressionset.

Iwontbeabletostandasideifithappensagain,saidKatja.

Ruthseyeswereanicyblueasshereplied,Everyoneiscapableofactionsthat

contradicttheirnatures.

Sheturnedawayquicklyandslammedthedoor,leavingKatjainthesweltering

interior,aloneexceptforthebuzzofabluebottle.

GoddamnYoda,shethoughtwithannoyance.Thenwondered,wasshetalkingabout

thedark-hairedboy,hisheavylips,roughhands,hispenisashardasaclenchedfist?

Katjawatchedthebluebottlestruggleagainstthewindscreen.Eventhislatethesun

wasscorchingtheglass.Katjawaswetwithsweat.Shewipedthehairawayfromher

foreheadandopenedthedoor.Thebackofherlegsrippedawayfromtheplasticseating.

Shehumpedabagfromthebackintoherarms.

MarcowasinthekitchenwithThierry,waitingforhiscopyofRollingStone.Ruth

washuggingThierryfrombehind.Fromhisroom,Katjacouldheartheplunk-plunkofJonas

badlyout-of-tuneguitar.

Thierrywasstirringalargebattered,steamingaluminiumsaucepanonthehob.The

roomsmeltlikesomeonehadbelched.

Whatisthatsmell?askedKatja.

Thierryturnedasneeralreadyonhislips.Offal.Herewetrytouseallofananimal,

Katja.Thestomach,theintestine:whyshouldtheseberubbishjustbecausetheyrenot

fashionable?Itsjustamatterofknowinghowtopreparethem.

KatjaliftedtheheavybagontothesideboardandpulledoutThierrysMetaxa.

Maybesomeofthis,shesaidholdingupthebottle,wouldatleastmakeitsmellalittlemorepalatable.

Iamdoinganoldrecipe,onethatwasusedbypeasantsoftheMedocforcenturies.

Truehowyoucallitinyourtrendybistros?rusticcooking.


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Peasants,thoughtKatja,eattripebecausetheycantaffordentrecote.Nexthellbe

tellingmetheIrishatepotatoesbecausetheylikedthem.SheputtheMetaxaonthetable

withabang.Thierryseyesscannedthelabel.

Puhapity.Yougotthelocalonehmmitsalittletoosweet.

Jonasappearedinthedoorway,pluckingonhisguitarandhummingtoadifferent

tune.Ciawasbehindhim,hugginghim,waddlingstraight-legged.

ThierryscasseroleisfamousacrossLaFrontera!saidCia

Thierrykeptstirring,staringintothepot.Itwillbegoodforyou,Katja,tolivealittle

moreastheworkingpeoplelive.Itis,Ifeel,tooeasyforpeopletogetusedtothecapitalist

wayofliving.Thesepeople,theyforgettheirconnectionwiththeearth,thesoil.They

becometoooccupiedwitheatingonlythosethingsthatarescarceanddontthinkfor

themselves.Scarceisnotareasonforsomethingtobegood.Manythingsarescarce,hmm?

Vulturestheyarescarce,butdotheytastegood?Butchicken,notrare.Yousee?

Interesting,Thierry,butIthinkyourealittlemixedup.Scarcemeans

Jonasstrummedonceloudlyonhisguitar,intentlyexaminingthepositionofhis

fingersonthefret.Ithinkitsyou,Katja,whoismixedup.

Katjabracedherarmsbehindher,grippingthesideboard.Scarcityisaneconomic

definition.Itjustmeanstheresnotaninfiniteamountforeverybody.Thatsnotthesameas

rare,doyouseewhatImean?

Soassoonassomethingisscarceitsanopportunityforsomeonetomakemoney.

Thisisasituationthatyoucouldwhatsthewordexploitforprofit,saidThierry.

Hervoicegrewlouder.Theymight.Andwhatwouldbetheproblemwiththat?

Nearlyeveryoneneedsanincentivetodosomethingmorethanjustexist,morethanjust

sloparoundindirtyclothespreaching.

Thierrypulledthewoodenspoonfromthepanandturned,pushingRuthaside.He

lickedthefaceofthespoonslowly.Mmmthetroublewithyou,Katja,isthatyoubelieveit,dontyou?Youbelieveitall.

Youacceptthatourdemocraciesarecontrolledbycorporations,manipulatedbyaminority.

Thatthesepeoplearepermittedtoexploitthehardworkerswhojustwanttolivetheir

livesinpeace.Youreoneofthem.Youhavenosenseofwhatitistoliveajustlife.


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Ruthinterrupted,wrappinganarmaroundThierry,Hey,letsnotmakethis

personal.Comeon,please

Katjachesthadalreadytightened.Themusclesaroundhermouthquivered,hereyes

flared.

ThierrypushedRuthaway.

Itneedstobesaid.Itisnecessaryalwaystospeakthetruth.Shemusthearthe

truth

Katjacouldntholditanylonger.Thetruth.Youwannahearthetruth,yousmall-

mindedprick.Youvegotnoideawhatreallygoesonoutthere.Theresnofucking

conspiracy.Itsworsethanthat.Conspiraciesonlyworkonlazyjunkiebrains.Thetruthis

therearenoclasses,therearejustpeoplemakingdecisions,millionsofdecisions,millions

ofdecisionmakers,allpartofawildlycomplexsystem.

Mostofthesepeoplearehappytoblameotherpeoplefortheirowncomplicityin

fuckinguptheworld.Marketeersjustrelyonpeoplesvanity,theirdesireforone-

upmanship,theirneedtobetoldwhattheywanttohear.Theywanttoheartheyrespecial,

important,worthit.ThattheycouldbebeautifullikeJenniferAnistonorhandsomelike

GeorgeClooney.Evenpeoplelikeyourson,shepointedatJonas,aredrivenbythesame

desires.Lookatyou!Youreaclich,arefugeefromthesixties.Whatarehisambitionsha!

tobedifferent,tothinkhesbetterthaneveryoneelse.SheglaredatThierry.AndIcould

sellyouanythingthatwasendorsedbyTimothyLearyorLeonardCohen.Whatareyou

deepdownbutShelookedfromThierrytoRuthandbackagainsearchingfortheright

words.ajunkieafuckingabusivejunkie.

Ruthran.Therewasasilencethatseemedtolightupeverycorneroftheroom,

everypieceofcutlerystrewnonthetable,eventheflyshitonthefizzingstriplight.

Jonaspluckedasinglestring.Atleastmyfatherwouldneverabandonhisson.

Katjatookcontroloftime,absorbedtheintensityofthemoment,waitingforthenotetofade.

Perhapsifhehad,Jonas,youwouldntbesuchamess.


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Itwasjustafterdawn,inthatpeculiar,flatlightwhendistanceisimmaterial,

everythingbecomes2-Dlikeawatercolourlandscape.Nothingisdistinct,everything

mergesandoverlaps,treesaresmudgesintherisingdew,thesky,swathesoffuchsiaand

lemon.KatjaandRuthhadbeenupallnight.

AreyougonnasayitorshallI?askedRuth.

Herpacedidntchange.Hersandalscutthroughthehardbladesofgrass,sliding

throughthedew.Katjacouldsmellthesoil.

Wedontneedto.Katjasmiled,Dowe?ShereachedforRuthsarm,huggingitto

herside,itswarmthacomfortinthestill,coldair.

Ruthshieldedhereyesfromthelow,brighteningsun.DoyouknowwhatElCoto

means?

Katjashookherhead.

Itsanoddname.IalwaysthoughtitmeantLodgeorFarmstead,butitdoesnt.It

justmeansboundary.Theboundary:ithassomanymeanings.Theirfeetswished

rhythmicallythroughthegrass.Iknowwhatitmeanstome.ShelookedatKatja.The

edge.Ivealwayswantedtobeontheedge.Nevertoosafe,toocentral.

Theyheardanoise,somethingintheundergrowth.

Iamhappierhere,ontheedge.Inspiteof

Theywalkedon,onebehindtheother,followingathintrackthatmusthavebeen

wornthroughthepasturebysheeporgoats.Thegrassgrewhigherandthesharpseeds

irritatedKatjasknees.Theboundary,shethought,theedge,theend,thelimit.

Theystoppedatthebrowofthehill,belowthemwasadeepravine.Ashandoak

treesfilledthechasm,fromitsbottomtheycouldhearwater.Beyondthetreesthepasture

continued.Twoeaglescircled,cryingintermittentlytoeachother.

Katjashookherheadslowly.AllthosethingsIleftbehindarepartofwhoIam.I

cantgobeyondthat.Ittookmethousandsofsteps,millionsofdecisionstoreachthepointIwasat.Everyoneofthosedecisionsexistswithinme,partofme.Imightnotrememberthe

emotions,thefeelingsthatmotivatedme,buttheywerentrandom.IthoughtIcouldstart

againhere.Buildnewattachments.Butmyoldlifehasagripsomewheredeepdowninside,

outsidethereachofreason.Itstimetofindoutwhatreallyisthereforme.Itstimetorun

towardssomething.


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ShepulledRuthcloser.

Idontreallywanttoleaveyou.

Ruthkissedthesideofherhead,anintense,lingeringkiss.Theyheldeachother

closeandKatjafelttheintimacyoffamily.Shebecameawareofaslowingofherpulse,a

softeningofthemusclesaroundherneckandshoulders,aglow.Withgratitudeshe

softenedagainstRuth,awareofherfeelings,awarethatthiswaslove.Shemustrediscover

herself,herpast,herfuture.Thenshemightfindpeace.


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CHAPTER4

Whatareyoudoing?

Katjalookedup,surprised.Maxfilledthedoorway.Shehadntheardhimonthe

stairs.Wearingwhitetenniskit,hishairwasinsweatyringlets.Heplayedtennisevery

Sundayafternoonandshehadntexpectedhimbacksoearly.Katjawasonherknees

holdingapinkNicoleFarhitopinonehandandalargepairoforangefabricscissorsinthe

other.

Sorting.Toherleftwasapileofchopped-upclothes:blousesandchemises,wrapsand

jerseys,skirtsandtrousers.Katjawaskeepingarunningtallyofthecostofthismountainof

luxuryclothing.Shedjustpassed23,000whenMaxinterruptedher.Holdingthepinktop

up,shebegantocutawayoneofthearms.

Doyourememberwhenyouboughtthat?


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Katjalookedupblankly.

Yes.Cannes.Isntitawful?WhatwasIthinking?

Imusthavelookedlikeaflamingo,shethought.

Itwasaspecialevening.Hisvoicewashusky.Itwasformeinanycase.

Katjacontinuedtocutthroughthefinesilk,thejawsofthescissorscrunching

throughthefabricsatisfyingly,irreparably.Shedroppedthescrapsontotheheap,putaside

thescissorsandstoodup.

Imsorry,Max.Shehopedhereyesshowedhowshefelt.Imjustsortingthings

out.Itcantbeputoffanylonger.

ButyouredestroyingeverythingHeranoutofwords,hishandsweepingaround

theroom.

Thisisntaboutourpast,Max.IvegottodothissoIcanhaveafuture.

Hereyestracedadropletofsweatdownhistemple.Hisbitterodoursurroundedher.

Hetoweredoverher.Hisfacewasredandhiseyesburned.Fury,shethought,butwasnt

afraid.Shestoodherground.

Youcantjustcomebackherewheneveryouwantandjustdestroyeverything.Look

atwhatyouredoing!Thisisourlifehere.

Theseweremypossessions,Max.Theydontconcernyou.

Dontconcernme!Hestormedovertothepile.ThisHeheldupaBurberry

Macintosh.YouworethisinScotlandwhenwewenttoCarnoustie.ThisHeheldupa

fadedCartierbaseballcap.Yougotthisatthepolowhenyoulostyourhat.Thesearemy

Katjaheldupahand,palmtowardshim.Shespokesoftly,Max,wevebeenoverthis.

Theresnopointtothis.Yourejustmakingthingsworse.

Themusclesinthearmthatheldthebaseballcaptightened.Hisjawjutted.The

wordswhentheycamewerethroughclenchedteeth.Youdontunderstand.Youjustdontfuckingunderstand.Howcanyoudothis?He

threwthecapaside.Itrolledacrossthecarpet,overthesunlitoutlineofthewindow,and

cametorestagainsttheskirtingboard.KatjasawMaxcomingtowardsher.Hishands

seizedherupperarmsandhewasshoutingdownather,flecksofspittlesprayingherface.


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Youvechanged,changedintoaselfishbitch.Idontknowwhathappenedtoyou.

Thisiswrongwrong.

Shehadtheurgetoshoutback,evennotedtheintakeofbreath,theflaringofthe

nostrils,thepreparationtobareherteeth,butshestoppedherself,exhaledslowlyand

loweredherhead,turningaway,pullingherarmsfree.Maxslumpedbehindher.Sheknew

hewassuffering.

Kneelingagainbesidethepileofclothes,shepickedupasheerivoryLaPerla

chemise,silkandlace,andsmoothedthefabricdownherarm,itscoolnessthrilledher,

ticklingthetinyhairs.Shehelditupagainstherbody.Theivoryshoneagainstherskin,

seemingtodarkenit.Shefoldeditandplaceditintheopen,half-packed,aluminium

suitcasebesideher.

Maxdisappearedintothebathroom.Sheheardtheportablecassetteplayerstartup,

MilesDavis,thentheshowerfizzed.

Katjatriedonahigh-necked,stiff,iridescentgreen,thighlengthjacket.Gaultier.The

styleclashedwiththesoftnessofherlook,thesun-bleachedringletsinherhair,thefreckles

acrosshernose.ThejacketlookedlikesomethingfromaStarTrekconvention.She

rememberedbuyingitintheHarrodssale.Shecutthroughtherichfabriclikecardand

threwsectionsaside.Once,shethought,itmadeherlookimperious.24,800.Thepilegrew:

aKenzoT-shirt,aJosephskirt,twoJaegerMerinojumpers,thepairofJimmyChoos.

26,500sworthofflotsamofluridcoloursandexclusivebrands.Inpiecesnowher

discardedwardrobeformedpatterns,mandalasonthecarpet.Shekeptsomefittedcotton

shirts,somesweatpantsandtopstheymadeherfeelgood.

Maxemerged,awhitetowelaroundhiswaist.Hisfacewasflushedfromtheheat.

Brushedback,hishairlookedthinner,straighter;helookedhandsomeinspiteofthebelly.

Therewasacomfortingstrengthinhismovements,thoughtKatja.Thedeliberatewayhis

handsscoopedhisclothesfromthebed.Hewaslikeabear.Shewatchedhimdressoverhershoulder.Unhurried,unflustered,takinghistime.

Hiseyeswereshroudedwhenheturnedtoher.HaveyouseenSven?

Herbrowfurrowedandhermouthtwitched.No.

Dontyouthinkyouowehimanexplanation?

Hermouthsetalittlefirmer.Shesaidnothing.


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Itsnotgoodbutwhatdoyouthinkthisisdoingtohim?Hismotherjustwalksout

onhim.

Herlowerliptightened,pressedintoherupperasifshewasabouttoburst.

Svensproblemswithmestartedwellbeforeallthis.Shesawthemaggots

wrigglingfromtheneckofthepheasant.Youknowthat,Max.

Hesneeredather.Youresupposedtobehismother.

Shesighedandbegantopresstheclothesdownintothesuitcase.

Hewavedahandtothepileofrags.Clearthatcrapoutbeforeyougo.

Iwill,Max.Hereyeswerecalm.Everythingwillbealrightyouknow.

Maxsnortedandlefttheroom.

KatjahadntexpectedSventobeinthekitchen,hadntheardhimcomehome,hadnt

heardthetelevision.Hedletdowntherollerblindandwaswatchingamovieinthedark.

Hisglancetookinthesilversuitcasethenreturnedtothemovie.Usingtheremotecontrol

heturnedthevolumeupanotch.Standingthere,suitcaseinhand,wearingtrainers,sweat

pantsandafadedbluet-shirt,shefeltlikeateenagerleavinghome,likeRuthmusthavefelt

allthoseyearsago.Withtheclatterofmachinegunsechoingaroundthekitchen,shetried

tofeelherfeelings.Hersonthetermseemedtobelongtoapastlifewasslumpedat

whatusedtobeherkitchentable,eyesfixedontheTVthatusedtoaccompanyherkitchen

routines.Itallseemedinthepast.Butjustasthepastcanneverbeerased,onlyforgottenor

re-remembered,shefeltsomethingwithinherstir,somethingdarkandorganic,a

mammalianlifeforce,buriedbelowconsciousness,rationality,evenbelowfeeling.

Sven.

Uhhuh?Hiseyesdidntwaverfromthescreen.

Shetookacoupleofpacesintothekitchenclosertohim.Thisisntaboutyou,youknow.Imeanitsnotbecauseofyou.

Uhhuh.

IdliketothinkIdliketothinkyouwontholdthisagainstme.

Uhhuh.

ThisisjustsomethingIhavetodo.


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Uhhuh.

Illcallyousoon.OK?

Abullethitasoldierintheshoulder,spinninghimround.Grabbingthewound,he

beggedhisretreatingcomrades.Dontdontleavemehere

Sheapproachedhim,wrappedherarmaroundhisshouldersandkissedhimjust

abovetheear.Hesmeltofpeanuts.Asingleshotrangout.Svenflinched.

Maxhadbeenlurkinginthedoorwaybehindher.Heaccompaniedhertothefront

door,showingheroutofherownhome.

Imsorryaboutthat.ImafraidItoldhimaboutyouandLuke.

Oh,Max,doyoureallythinkthishasgotanythingtodowiththat.

Hegrabbedherarm.Areyoustillseeinghim?

Hisfacewaspanicked.

Notinthewayyouthink.Shereachedupahandandcuppedhischeek,hisstubble

likeroughgraniteagainstherhand.

Kay,whatsgoingtohappentous?

Idontknow,darling.ReallyIdont.PerhapsCamillacanhelpusworkthatout.

TheburdenofhersuitcaseincreasedasshecrossedthedrivewaytotheX5.Ahollow

chillopenedupinsideherinspiteofthelatesummersun.Fromthedriversseat,she

lookedbackatthesunlitporch,thehoneysuckleshedreared,itsperfumewaftingthrough

thekitchenwindowonbalmyevenings.Thebottomoftheblindtwitcheditmighthave

beenthewind.

*

Lukebuckedbeneathher.Shepresseddown,matchinghisforce.Shewaslickedwith

sweat,hisshouldersslipperyunderherhands,herthighssliddownhissidesasthey

rollicked.Hewashotinsideher,butshefocusedonpressingherselfagainsthispubis.Eyesclosed,gaspingaloudasthemomentumrose,wellingfromherclitorisinsurges.Behindher

eyelidskaleidoscopesturned,shecouldtastethesweatonherlipsandhearLukes

breathing,feelthelowsunflickeringacrossherface.Hewasclosetoclimaxing,butnot

beforeher.Notthistime,shethought,andsqueezedharder,faster.Hishandswereonher

hips,forcinghimintoher.Theflameinsidehergrewandastheclimaxspreadacrossher


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bodyshethrewherheadbackandscreamed:aprimeval,gut-bustinghowlthatroseinpitch

andintensitywithherorgasm.Lukejerkednoiselesslybeneathherthenfrozeandshefelt

hishotsemeninsideher.Lostherselfinthescream,surfingitsoscillations,seeingthe

soundsincolours,assherocketedthroughatunnelofsoundmadeintolight.

Lukeshandsmackedoverhermouthandthejarrstangherjawbone,sentaboltof

coldwhitethroughherhead,jerkedherneckback.Hisstrengthtoreatthemusclesinher

neckinahotjetofpain.Shefellontoherside,grabbedhiswristandwrestledhishand

awayfromhermouth.Shejumpedawayfromhim,offthebed,spinningroundtofacehim,

readyincaseheattackedheragain.Herlegsrigid,herarmstensedtofighthimoff.

Whatareyoudoing,youprick?Sheshouted,bringingahanduptohermouth.Her

lowerlipwasswelling.Asshesuckedatit,thesaltysweetnessoffreshbloodhithertongue.

MyGod,Katja,willyoupleasekeepitdown?Hedrawled.

Youcantjustsmackmeinthemouth!

Hewasproppeduponhiselbow,lookingather,unruffledbyheranger.Hiseyes

wereblueandtheflushofhisexertionwasalreadyfading.

Katja,darling,youwerescreaminglikeacathousecrazy.

Shewatchedhim,thebreathrushingthroughhernostrilsgraduallyslowed,the

tensiondissipated.Shestoodalittlestraighter.

Hiseyeswererakingoverherbody,lingeringoneverydetail.Katjadidntlookdown.

Shewasawarethatherbreastshungalittlelower,herhipsalittlewider,herskinhadlosta

littleofitssheen.Still,shestoodtall.

Mygod,Luke,Iwashavinganorgasm.Youshouldbebloodygrateful.

Onthesmalldecorativetablebythewindow,hermobilephonebeepedtwice.She

turnedawayfromhim.Thefloor-to-ceilingsashwindow,twelvepanesframedinwhite

gloss,lookedoutoverthefrontoftheFultonWoodsCountryClub,lookedoutontothe

sunny18thgreen.Amaninredtrousersheldtheflagasawomaninabeigetartanskirtandabluevisorlinedupherputt.ThetextmessagewasfromSven.Heagreedtomeether.Hed

letherknowwhere.Achillfeatheredherspine.

Willyoucomeawayfromthewindow?

Sheknewhewaslookingatherbottom,foughttheurgetotensealittle,turnaway.

Themanicuredcourseelongatedfairwaysandpristinegreenswasdottedwith


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imperiousoaks.Swallowsswoopedandflutteredoverthereedbedsofthewaterhazard.

Theirmigratorycallswereinterruptedbyabuzzingbelowthewindow,anelectricbuggy.

Shecouldntseethedriver,justawhiteleathershoeextendednonchalantly,andan

enormousCallowaygolfbag.Thebluesky.Thegreengrass.Thecleanlines.Wildlife.It

shouldhavebeenidyllic,buttherewassomethingwrong.Somethingmissing.Ruthwould

hateit.

ShecouldhearLukegettingoutofthebed.Ifhedared

Shelookedoverhershoulder.Hewassittingveryupright,asalways,followinghis

familiarpost-coitalroutine.Hedfastenhisblue-facedOysterPerpetual,turnontheTVto

KingoftheHilltheschedulealwaysseemedtofitthetimetablingoftheirtrysts,shower

quickly,pullafreshlypressedshirtfromhisbriefcase.Hedputonhisshirtandtiebefore

hisY-fronts,trousers,thenfinallyhissocks.ShedwantedtoseeLukeoncemore,tore-

experiencethepatternoftheirrelationship,totrytore-livefeelingsshemighthavehad

before.Shedenjoyedthesex,otherwise

Haveyounoticedanythingdifferentaboutme,Luke?Anychanges?Anything?

Hewasgatheringhisclothespiecebypiece.

Changes?Inyou?Idontknowyouseemabithighlystrung.AndIdontknowwhat

youthinkyouredoingturningyourbackonKatchams.Theyvebeenbloodygoodtoyou.

Everyonehastimesofdoubt.Ignorethem.Getonwiththebusinessofliving.Weonlyget

onelife.Useit.

Stillnaked,hisbacktoher,heleanedovertopickuptheTVremote.Themusclesin

hisbackandbuttocksswelledandflexedbeneaththeskin.Heputonhiscleanshirt.

TimeslowedandKatjafeltthatclarityagain.Iwontbedoingthisagain,Luke.

Heturned,holdinghissemi-erectpenisnonchalantlyinhishand.

Really,andwhysthat,youoldtease?Hewassmiling;histeethwerewhite.

Hergazehardened.Shrugging,heturnedaway,drainedallthewaterfromaglassonthebedsidetable.

Thatwasmywater,shesaid.

Hecametowardsher,grinning.Hetriedtotakeherinhisarms.Hisaftershave

mingledwiththesmellofhersweat.


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Andmissoutonanotherfireworkdisplaylikethatone?Ontheevidenceofthat

orgasmitsmethatschanged.

Bykeepingherelbowstogetherinfrontofhersheresistedtheconstrictionofhis

embrace.Itdidntputhimoff.

Shelookedupatthecleanlinesofhisface.Thenawayatthetelevision,thebox-

headedHankHillwaslecturinghissonontherequirementtowininsport.Everythingon

Lukesfacewassymmetricalandgroomed.Everyhairinhisstubbleseemedtobeclippedto

aregulationlength.Hishair,evennow,wasneat.Thereweresomesmallblackheadsonhis

noseandasingledarkhairsproutedfromhisnostril.Beneaththecitrusofhisaftershave,

shecaughttonesoflily.

Itsnotme.Idontknowifiteverwas.

TheOwlSanctuarybackedontoathickcopseofbeechtreesthatrustledinthe

afternoonbreeze,thefirstdraughtofautumn.Asingle,solemnstuffedowlperchedonthe

woodenfive-bargateintheentrance.Katjapulledherpursefromherhandbag,butSven

gaveherasidelongglance,hishandreachedout.Youwontneedthat.

Katjaturned,crinklingherfacequizzically.

Svensaidnothing.Astheypassedtheticketoffice,athinvoicerangout,HiSven!

HiGwen,heresponded,freefromanyofhisnormalteenagemumbling.

HiGwen,saidKatja,itcameoutallreedy.Whatwashappening?

Hello,Mrs

YoucancallherKatja,saidSven.

HiKat-ya.

Thefirstavianwafthither:acosy,naturalsmell.Acrossthesoftblacktarmacofthe

entrancearea,threebanksofcagessurroundedasquareofgreen.Lookingaround,shetriedtogatherherself.

Soisitonlyowls?Themomentitescapedherlips,sherealisedthequestions

irrelevance.

Hegesturedwithhishead.Thesearetheprimarydisplaycages,mostlyowls,but

therearemorethanthirtydifferentraptors.


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Histrouserswereblackcombatswithpocketsandflapsofmaterialdowneachleg.

Hiswhitebasketballtrainersseemedtoobig.HewasslumpedinagreyhoodiewithRed

HotChilliPeppersemblazonedacrossthefront.Hisneckseemedtoothintosupporthis

head,whichlolledforward.Hishairwasinmouseybrownclumpsandhisfacepimpled,but

heseemed,handsinpockets,ateasehere.

IthoughtthiswasthebesttimetocomebecausetheShort-Earedsarejustwaking

up.Wemightbeabletoseethemflying.

Alargeman,wearingadirtygreensweatshirtmarkedwiththeSanctuaryCrest,

passedthemwheelingabarrowpiledwithbalesofstraw.

Hi,Sven.Youwell?

Arthur.

SeenKenyatoday?

Svenshookhishead.

Allswell.

Theystoodbeforethefirstcage.Katjaallowedhereyestoadjusttotheshadowy

interior.

ThatsGretel.

Perchedonalowleaflessbranchwasapewter,fullmoonface.Herwideeyeshalf

wayupherhead,theshinyhookofherbeaknearthebase,shelookedshocked.Thewhite-

rimmedheadformedhalfthebody.Itwasthefaceachildwoulddraw.Katjalaughed.

Shealwayslookslikethat.Hewassmiling,hangingbyhishandsfromthewirecage.

Howlonghaveyoubeencominghere?

Idunno.Ayearmaybelonger.

Buthowdotheyallknowyou?

Iworkhere.Wellnotworkformoney,like,butyouknowhelpout.Itsnothing.

Hiseyesmethersbutimmediatelyflickedawayagain,backtotheowl.Sorrywhatwashername?

Svenwaswatchingtheowlintently.

ShesGretel.

Hestoodbackfromthewireandtwofingersinhismouthheblastedawhistle.


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Gretelblinkedslowlyandextendedbothwings,flappingtheminadisplay

apparentlydesignedtofrightenthemoff.Theundersideofherwingswasanimmaculate

white,adensefiligreeofbrilliantfeathers,asfineasthewhitestporcelain.

Sven!Itwasthewheelbarrowman.Itoldyounottodothat.

Oh,Arthur.Shesjustshowingoff.

Dontdoitgain.Therewasaffectioninhisvoice.

Theowlsettledslowly,graduallybustlingherwingsbackintoposition.Theymerged

intothesolidbarrelofherbody.

Didyouknowthatwhenbirdsareunhappy,upsetbywhatweveputthemthrough,

theycantattackus,sotheyturnoneachother?Hisvoicewasthickwithsympathy.These

areallrescues.Whentheycomeintheyrearesotraumatisedwehavetokeepthemapart.I

meanitsbetterforthemthatway.Otherwisetheyjustripeachothertopieces.Itsasifthe

fearhaschangedsomethinginthem.Theydontknowtheyrebirdsanymore.Arthur

alwayssaystheythinktheyredinosaursagain.Allthebirdsgone.Theresjustreptileleft.

HespokewithamaturitythatdisturbedKatja.Sheguessedeverymothermustat

somepointlookattheirchildandseeastrangerlookingback.Helookedoverattheowlin

theadjoiningcage.Thebirdsthickeyebrowsflippeduplikeantennae.Sometimesitsjust

bettertobeapart.Itgivesthemtime

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Birds Have Wings So They Can Fly