Boundaries

for LAP Volunteers

Lawyers Assistance Program of British Columbia

Facilitated byRobert Bircher

B.A.,J.D.,M.A.,R.C.C.

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Confidentiality

All LAP classes are highly confidential, this includes mentioning names of people in attendance

In psycho educational classes like this one you will be talking about your life-you can set your own boundaries about how much or little you disclose to others

The main purpose of this workshop is to increase awareness of boundary issues for LAP volunteers

Introduction exercise-Where in my life do I have good boundaries?-What boundaries do I want to learn more about in this class? 2

Importance of Boundaries

In helping lawyers with practice and personal problems we notice that many are created by a lack of healthy boundaries

Almost all of the complaints made by clients or the Law Society can be traced to poor boundaries-the Law Society is aware of this and offers CPD credits for our boundary courses-we have also written several articles published in the Advocate

“Burnout”, for example, has its roots in poor boundary setting

Lawyers may have some awareness about boundaries but some are poor at putting them into place in their lives, resulting in problems

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Boundaries and Relationships

Healthy boundaries are the basis for good relationships in life both personally and professionally

Many relationship problems have their roots in poor or no boundary setting

Difficulty in boundary setting depends on who you are setting the boundary with-setting boundaries around, a telemarketer, your mother, a friend or your boss all have different dynamics and levels of skill required

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Healthy Boundaries

Good boundaries are usually learned in childhood, unfortunately so are bad boundaries!

Most lawyers have good boundaries in many areas of their life but often have gaps-depending on parenting

Most lawyers are good students which sometimes also means they are good at pleasing others-this balance between caring for self and caring for others is where boundary problems arise

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Characteristics of Healthy Boundaries

I must have awareness that a boundary needs to be set and that the problem I face is a boundary problem-this is not as obvious as it may seem

Appropriateness-I need to decide whether a boundary should be set or if I should just let it go-In some cases a boundary could be set but it may not be worth the time or effort

Clarity-Boundaries must be clear and unequivocal-fuzzy boundaries are as bad as no boundaries

Firmness-People will often test your boundaries-do you really mean it?

Maintenance-Boundaries may need to change or be redefined over time

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Characteristics of Boundaries

• Flexibility-some boundaries need to flexible-in some cases even dropped

• Healthy boundaries are not:• Set by others- this works when you are

little; but as you individuate you need to set your own boundaries-usually with some resistance from your family!

• Primarily Hurtful or Harmful- Boundaries often create some pain but this is not the purpose-a good test is if I don’t set a boundary here what will the long term consequences be?

• Controlling or manipulating- This is different than boundary setting 7

Characteristics of Boundaries

• Manipulating is trying to influence or get something indirectly-Controlling is invasive or domineering

• In boundary setting I decide what will happen if the boundary is not honored-if I am controlling I want someone else to change their behavior

• A Wall- is not a boundary, it is inflexible and cuts me off from people, places or experiences

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What are Boundaries?

• Various definitions:" how far we can go with comfort go in a relationship. It delineates where I and my physical and psychological space end and where you and yours begin.”

• Boundaries provoke real experiences within us-thus in my relationships with people places and things, the boundary is real

• Another definition: “A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity”

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What are Boundaries?

• One example is your skin, another is the walls of a cell in your body

• A good metaphor is that of the wall of a cell, that is a semi –permeable membrane

• “To know when to allow in and when to keep out, means you have a choice in your life, and means you will be an active rather than a passive participant in it”

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Boundaries

• Healthy boundaries will enhance your relationship with your self, your body, your health, friendships, marriage, work, your integrity

• Poor boundaries can limit your life and cause misery

• It is useful to know where you have erected defenses instead of healthy boundaries

• This course is about handling life in a way that protects your time and energy for the things that really matter to you.

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Boundaries

• It is hard to define or understand yourself without a clear understanding of your boundaries

• It requires a good understanding of our inner life-our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions ,choices and experiences. It also includes wants, needs, sensations, intuitions and unconscious factors.

• Many people go to extremes with boundaries, either being boundary less or being overly ridged, or flip-flopping between these 12

Boundaries and Codependence

• Much of the popular literature about boundaries has been written about under the rubric of Codependence(unhealthy caretaking of others or doing things for others they should be doing for themselves)

• Healing Codependence requires learning new boundaries

• There is a 12 step group called Codependence Anonymous which has setting healthy boundaries as a principle aim-the LAP has one in Vancouver

• Many people have some level of codependence

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Types of Boundaries

• Boundaries cover a huge part of our lives and can be internal(intra-psychic)within your own mind or external (inter-psychic) dealing with other people

• Boundaries can be physical or mental/emotional or spiritual

• See table 1.1 in your workbook for list of these types of boundaries

• In general, physical boundaries deal with what happens with your physical body, your privacy and your possessions

• In general mental boundaries deal with your beliefs, choices, decisions and how you spend your energy 14

Not Setting Boundaries

Due to the difficulty in setting boundaries many people chose not to set them at all

This will result in frustration, passive aggressiveness, inner conflict and a general limiting of your life

Many people will run up against their tendency to be a “people pleaser” in this class

If you want to live life large you need to understand and set healthy boundaries

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Resistance to Boundary Setting

• Even though it is simple enough to understand boundaries many people have trouble setting boundaries for fear that it will hurt the relationship

• In many cases great damage can occur to a relationship if boundaries are not set or discussed

• Often it is a case of short term pain to facilitate long term gain

• Boundary Dilemma-get into groups of 4 and discuss the boundary dilemma in the workbook-is this happening in your life? 16

Boundary issues for LAP volunteers

• You will be a better volunteer the more you understand about your own boundary issues and recognizing them in others(much easier!)

• You must be ruthless in protecting confidentiality-violation of this causes great damage and reduces trust-you must learn to boundary the temptation to gossip

• Learn how to listen to cognition and affect-learn about and practice reflective listening-this will require you boundary any temptation to give advice or tell people what to do

• Be extremely humble-this will require that you boundary your amateur therapist-know the local counselors, therapists, psychologists. Psychiatrists etc in your area 17

Boundary Issues for Volunteers

• You can share your experience, strength and hope-but you also have a right to boundary what you choose to share with others

• You will need to boundary any situation where the person wants to carry on with their problem(and have you empathically listen)-we help people who want to change or recover, we do not help them justify their problems

• For example-you may want to boundary speaking to people under the immediate influence of drugs or alcohol

• You will need to boundary your temptation to judge-people will clam up instantly if you do this

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Common Boundary issues for lawyers in general

• Burnout is almost always due to poor boundaries around self .Often, at the core of this you will find the lawyer is taking on too much work, taking on clients that are high maintenance, not taking holidays, trying to please everyone, not taking breaks during the day, unrealistic expectations about how much they can bill or complete, abandonment of coping strategies etc.

• Poor Lawyer-Client boundaries include: saying yes to work they don't know how to do well ,over and under charging clients, doing work for relatives and friends, underestimating how long a file will take, conflicts of interest etc.

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Common Boundary problems for Lawyers

• Money Boundaries-these are regulated by the Law Society but are still one of the most common problems-Examples include-a poor or total lack of understanding of how trust accounting works, hiring or entrusting people to do bookkeeping who are incompetent, not communicating with clients well about fees, etc.

• Lawyer/Lawyer boundaries-this can include being rude or unethical around other Lawyers, bullying other Lawyers or allowing yourself to be bullied, disrespectful behavior towards others ,etc.

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Protective Boundaries and Expansive Boundaries

• In general there are two types of boundaries-those involving the protection of physical and psychological space and those involving the extent of interaction with your world

• Physical boundaries are simple to understand-they involve the protection of your body and possessions-car exercise

• Psychological boundaries are much more difficult to understand or even detect

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Protective and Expansive Boundaries

• Almost no person will tolerate being hit by another person but surprisingly many will allow the most severe psychological boundary violations

• Expansive boundaries can be described as how large you live-some people live large and impact almost everyone around them-some live small and barely cause a ripple-some do both at different times and with different people

• You will be treated in the world the way you teach others to treat you 22

Workplace BoundariesProblems Saying No

• “Burnout” is actually not a primary problem -it is a symptom of poor or non existent boundary setting

• Poor boundary setting has many underlying causes: people pleasing, unwillingness to say no, poor boundaries in family of origin, fear of standing up for yourself, lack of understanding of your own core values, poor emotional self care etc. 23

Workplace Boundaries-Power of No

• When you were 2 years old you had no problem saying no, but in this culture it is drilled out of you by teachers parents and friends-so by the time people are adults many have trouble saying no to anyone

• Axiom: The damage done by saying yes indiscriminately will exceed any damage done to your relationships by saying no

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The Power of No

• “Yes people” quickly become weighted down, feel torn or trapped, are overcommitted and overworked and feel taken advantage of

• “Yes people” can become passive aggressive this means the anger or resentment goes underground and shows up as not returning calls, being distant, being late or bailing out of the commitment with weak excuses

• Having a “giver” type of personality works against you here-the world is full of “takers” 25

The Power of No

• It is not the job of the “takers” to set your boundaries- it is your job and your issue

• If you don’t set your own boundaries other people always will-nature abhors a vacuum!!

• My definition of Passive aggressiveness is “torturing myself and others for my unwillingness to set healthy boundaries”

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The Power of No

• Blaming others or anger is often a tip off that boundaries need to be set by you

• Why is saying no so hard for many people?

• “Terminal Niceness” these people believe it will ruin the relationship if they say no-in fact the inevitable passive aggressiveness is the real danger to the relationship

• Lets look at the No credo• Groups of 4-Where in your life do

you have problems saying no?27

People Pleasing

• Another reason people have trouble saying no is that they are obsessed about what other people are thinking about them

• In my self esteem workshops we call this other-esteem which is a poor substitute for genuine self esteem

• Other-esteem is giving your power away on the false belief other people are thinking about you-in other words you have a story you are telling yourself about the story you believe other people have of you (thus you worry about your image)

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People Pleasing

• If you believe this delusion you will spend the rest of your life on a fruitless search to increase your esteem from the outside

• I always say to lawyers: in your 20’s you are very concerned about what other people think of you, in your 30’s and 40’s you start to say I don’t care what other people are thinking about me, in your 50’s and 60’s you realize they weren’t thinking about you!!

• It is folly to govern your life to try and please others 29

Developing Boundary Muscle

• Good boundary setting comes with practice, start small and work up to more difficult boundaries- start with a telemarketer and work up to mom

• Some people believe that they can’t set boundaries at work or they will be fired, that is quite rare- much more often people quit or get fired or burn out by not setting enough boundaries

• Ultimately it is your responsibility to teach people in the world they way you want to be treated

• Top 10 boundary setting tips-see workbook

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Boundary Setting Improves With Awareness- Followed by Practice

• As you set more boundaries (and begin to see where you are not setting good boundaries) your skills will improve

• Generally the closer the relationship the harder it is to set good boundaries

• Allow yourself to try and fail until you get better at it

• Practice and patience will allow progress

• Lets do some practicing right now with role plays

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Further reading

• Black, Jan & Enns, Greg Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life 1998

• Bottke, Allison Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents 2008

• Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life 1995

• Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries with Kids 2001• Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries in Marriage 2002• Linden, Anne Boundaries in Human Relationships: How to Be

Separate and Connected 2008• Katherine, Anne Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin:

How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries 1994• Katherine, Anne Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy

Boundaries Every Day 2000• MacKenzie, Robert J. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed

Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries 2001

• Richardson S Cunningham M Broken Boundaries - stories of betrayal in relationships of care 2008

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Role Play InstructionsDo not read role plays

until exercise starts• Get into groups of 3• There are 3 roles-Lawyer in Trouble, LAP

volunteer, Observer• There are 6 role plays• You will switch roles after 2 role plays• The Lawyer in Trouble will push for a yes,

the LAP volunteer will set a boundary-this will take a maximum of 2 minutes

• The purpose is to experience the feeling of setting difficult boundaries and to experience healthy boundaries

• Observer gives feedback and makes sure role players do not turn the exercise into a debate!!

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Boundary Workbook

Lawyers Assistance Program

Facilitated by Robert Bircher

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Boundary Role plays

Do not read the roles before your role playListen to facilitators

instructions

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