Break it downHelping teachers to cope with students who have suffered a bereavement

written by young people with first-hand experience

CONTENTSINTRODUCTIONWe’re a group of young people from Cornwall who have all lost at least one family member. We wanted to do something positive and help other young people who may go through the same thing as we did.

So we’ve put together this magazine to tell our stories, and help teachers deal with students who have suffered a bereavement.

We know that everyone is different, and that grief is a very personal thing. But when we all got together, we found some common ground in how we felt teachers can support students who have lost

someone close to them. This magazine tells our stories and gives advice on how we think teachers can be supportive.

We met through Penhaligon’s Friends, a charity supporting bereaved children in Cornwall, and together with them and Fixers, a charity that gives young people a voice, put together this magazine as a resource for teachers to use.

Thank you for taking the time to read our magazine. We hope you will find it helpful, and that it will enable you to support your students who are going through a difficult time after the loss of a loved one.

3. MY STORY - JASMINE

4. MY STORY - TONY

5. ART/WORDS

6. MY STORY - SHANNON

7. MY STORY- PETER

8. MY STORY - PHILIPPA

9/10. ADVICE FOR TEACHERS

11. MY STORY - BRADLEY

12. MY STORY - CASSIE

13/14. A TEACHER’S EXPERIENCE

15. USEFUL CONTACTS

DISCLAIMERThese are the opinions of the young people who have created this magazine and should not be considered expert advice. They are not necessarily the views of Fixers or the Public Service Broadcasting Trust.

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MY STORY - JASMINEWhen I was 14 years old, I lost my brother to osteosarcoma. Jordan sadly lost his battle with cancer on the 1st April 2010, aged 16. He was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in January 2008. He had a year of intensive chemo and two major operations, and from November 2009 began to enjoy life again to the full. Sadly in December 2009, the cancer returned to his lungs and he was told it was terminal. He never let anything get him down and crammed as much as he could into his last few months. He always had a smile on his face and never complained once. He was a really brave young man and he was my hero.

Going back to school for me was hard, as when he was having treatment we always travelled with him up to Bristol’s children’s hospital, so I lost out on a lot of schooling. I went back to school about three weeks after he died. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I had the support of my family and friends, and I really appreciated that.

I felt like I didn’t have as much support from the teachers as I could have, because I don’t think they understood how I felt. Jordan’s death affected me a lot in school, and I felt like sometimes the teachers thought I just needed to move

on. But moving on isn’t as easy as that. I wanted the chance to be upset, to have time off if I needed to, and to have time out of lessons to calm down when I did get upset.

There was one teacher in particular who would always send me out and tell me to pull myself together. He would say things like ‘your brother would want you to be happy, he wouldn’t want you to be upset.’ But he didn’t even know my brother, so I found that really frustrating. I didn’t like being told how to feel. I was also badly bullied, so that made my experience at school even more difficult.

I think my time could have been easier if the teachers gave me more time to grieve and to feel upset, and to know that it was ok to feel like that. Being told by a teacher that my brother ‘wouldn’t want me to be upset’ made me feel angry and misunderstood. Teachers need to understand that students need a lot of time, support and understanding to get through a bereavement.

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MY STORY - TONYI lost my mum when I was eight and I lost my dad very recently. I wasn’t really in school much when I was eight because I had a lot of anger issues at the time, even before my mum died.

When I went back to school, the school didn’t really know what had happened because my dad didn’t tell anyone and neither did I. So I just got on with things. But my behaviour got a lot worse and I was excluded a lot, so I was in and out of school for about a year and a half.

I had a delayed period of grief because when my mum died, my dad really struggled to look after us. I had two little brothers, and my younger brother had only just turned one, so I felt like I had to be strong for them. My dad managed to do the shopping, but I did a lot of the cooking and cleaning. He had some issues as well, so that was quite hard to deal with.

I never really cried for my mum until I was 12. I remember being in a lesson and we were talking about death, and I started welling up. My teacher noticed and said it was okay to leave the room. I had a teachers’ assistant at the time, so he went with me to the library and we started talking about it. That was the first time I remember talking about my feelings, and it really helped.

When I was 14, I decided to put myself into care. My schoolwork was suffering,

and I really needed to get away from my dad because he wasn’t coping. I was placed with a foster family, and I remember looking at myself and thinking I really needed to sort myself out.

When my dad died , my foster parents asked if I wanted to go into school. Because I had exams coming up, I decided to go in and see what work needed to be done. I spoke to my form tutor and she was really good. She asked me if she could tell my teachers about what had happened, and I was really pleased she had asked my permission. My teachers were all really supportive, and said it was okay if I just wanted to get the work from them and go and work in the library. It was nice to be given the option.

I’m quite open with my friends about what has happened to me in my life, so I felt really supported by them when my dad died… they acted normally around me, which helped a lot.

It’s been hard to deal with my dad’s death, because I didn’t really speak to him for four years.

If I was to give advice to teachers, I would say it’s really important to talk to the student, and ask how they feel, but without being too forceful.

ART & words

I wake up in the morningAnd I look up to the skyI wonder why he took youbefore I said goodbye

I look up to the stars at nightAnd know you’re looking downI’d like to think you’re proud of meBut I’m just stumbling round

I crawl in bed and close my eyesAnd realise that you’re goneThen come the fears and then the tearsAnd life just seems so wrong

I glance up at the heavensAnd I know you’re flying byMy Angel’s watching over meI’m happy as I cry

MY STORY - SHANNONMy nan died in a house fire when I was 11 and my dad died of cancer when I was 13. What I found hardest was doing things without them around. That was just so difficult to deal with. When the time came for me to go back to school, I really didn’t want to because I was worried about the fuss they would make over me.

Teachers treated me like a child, which I found really frustrating. They didn’t seem to know what to do, or the right thing to say.

I also found it really difficult to concentrate at school after losing my dad and my nan, and I felt like they didn’t understand how hard it was for me.

I was sometimes given five minutes to just get out of the classroom when I needed to, and this really helped.

I think this is something teachers should bear in mind, that sometimes people just need some time to get out of the classroom and take a break. It really worked for me.

by Jasmine Crayton

I wake up in the morning

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MY STORY - PHILIPPAMy mum died when I was 12 and, because my dad was too old to look after me and my brother, we moved from Kent to Cornwall to live with my nan and granddad. A year later, my dad passed away.

My mum had cancer and went into a hospice, so I had a lot of time off school so I could go and visit her. I was really proud of my mum because she made it to my brother’s birthday and Christmas, and was still there for my birthday. She died two weeks later. After we moved to Cornwall, my dad was diagnosed with dementia, which affected the way he thought about things. That was really hard, because he got confused and thought I was doing bad things. It really upset me.

I had counselling which helped a lot, because the counsellor seemed to really understand me. I also had a religious education teacher who was really good. I remember having a lesson about reincarnation, and while we were discussing it I got very upset, so I left the room. When I came back, he said that if I ever got upset, it was fine to leave the room, and that I didn’t even

have to ask. He also used to do things like make jokes to make me laugh and cheer me up a bit. He never asked me directly about what had happened, but just stood back and I knew he was around if I needed to talk.

I also had a maths teacher who was really understanding, so I felt quite supported. One of the things that annoyed me at school was when teachers and my friends kept on asking if I was ok, and kept pushing me to talk about what happened. I knew I would talk about it when I was ready and I didn’t want to be forced. When I did start talking about it, I really just needed my friends to listen and not give advice. Having someone to talk to was really important, but I didn’t want people trying to make everything better, because they couldn’t.

If I was to give advice to teachers, I would say, don’t keep asking if the student is ok. Just be there in the background if they need you.

MY STORY - PETERI was in a car accident over five years ago. My mum and my sister died instantly, and I broke both my legs. I went back to school after about a month.

I had a fairly positive experience at school, because they were supportive, but the main focus was on me in a wheelchair. There was no hiding from what had happened, because it was there for everyone to see.

The teachers always informed me if there was something in the lesson they thought might upset me. But there was a part of me where I wanted to be treated like everyone else, I didn’t like having loads of attention and I don’t like sharing with everyone what happened.

I hate having to always explain about what happened to me and I don’t

always want to talk about it, because I feel like it’s attention seeking.

I know everyone is different. I prefer to keep what happened to myself, and focus on other things. So being in a wheelchair was hard because I felt like I couldn’t get away, and I lost my freedom. There was always someone watching me, so I felt like returning to normal was a lot more difficult. It’s only been the past couple of years that I have started dealing with it properly.

All that said, I felt like the school did deal with it quite well because they were always looking out for me.

If I were to give teachers advice, it would be not to draw unnecessary attention to the student and single them out, it’s important for them not to feel like the odd one out. 7. 8.

ADVICE FOR TEACHERS

SAYING THE WRONG THING:‘’I know how you feel.’’Even if you’ve had a bereavement yourself, this isn’t a helpful thing to say, because everyone feels differently about losing someone.

‘‘Just focus on your work and try not to let it affect you.’’ We are going to be affected no matter what. Focusing on school work won’t make what happened go away.

”The person who died wouldn’t have wanted you to be upset/let their death affect your schoolwork.’’You don’t know the person who died, so you can’t say something like that.

SAYING THE RIGHT THING:

‘’It must be difficult for you.” This is different to saying ‘I know how you feel’.

‘’What can I do to help?’’This gives the young person an opportunity to take control.

‘’Would it be ok if I let the other teachers know what has happened?’’ Asking permission shows respect for the young person’s privacy.

RIPPLE EFFECTSHaving a bereavement in the family can have far-reaching implications that affect the home life of the student. For example, it can cause financial difficulties which means a student has to move house, or it can affect other members of the family so that being at home is not always an easy place to be. Young people can sometimes feel very alone in their experience because their friends do not know how to act. Be aware of these factors and put the young person in touch with organisations that can help if you think they need the extra support. There is a list of organisations you can contact at the back of this publication if you feel you need some extra help.

TEN TOP TIPS

1. Be supportive, but don’t push the young person to talk about how they are feeling.

2. Don’t overcompensate by always asking how the young person is doing.

3. Be sensitive. If there’s something coming up in the lesson that you know might be difficult for the young person to hear or talk about, let them know – but be subtle.

4. Don’t single the young person out as being ‘special’.

5. Make it clear to them that you are there for them when they are ready to talk – and leave it at that.

6. Give them space – it’s helpful for the student to be aware that if they need to leave the classroom and go somewhere quiet, that it’s okay to do that.

7. If you think the student isn’t getting the support that they need, such as counselling, then raise it subtly with them or a supportive family member.

8. Understand that the young person is going to be in a difficult place for a while, don’t push them to ‘get back to normal’ before they are ready.

9. Ask them how they would like to be supported at school – this puts the young person in control.

10. If you don’t feel equipped to deal with the student’s situation, try to find someone at the school who can, and direct the student to them.

Losing someone close to you is difficult at any age, and the support you get from those around you makes a big difference to the grieving process. For a young person, school plays a crucial part in their lives. Having the right support from teachers and fellow pupils is really important.

Every person deals with grief differently, and it’s very difficult to always do the right thing. But we found as we talked that there were a few common themes that cropped up, and we felt it would be helpful to share this with teachers.

9. 10.

MY STORY - CASSIEThree years ago, I lost my dad to cancer. I took about three weeks off school because I just didn’t know how to deal with it. When I went back to school, it was really emotional because people were asking me if I was all right, and I hadn’t even got over it myself at that point, so I was really aggressive towards people.

Some teachers weren’t really there emotionally in the way I needed them to be, but there was one teacher I could go to. She helped me get the counselling I needed and helped me through my anger issues. I felt comfortable talking to her about how I felt. So when there were days that I felt like punching someone, I went to talk to her.

There were some teachers who just told me to focus on my work and get on with things. Because my friends didn’t really understand either, I felt very alone. It was complicated with my dad as well, because he hadn’t been in my life for the seven years before he died. So wanting to see him and not being able to, and then seeing him three months before he died and losing him again meant my

emotions were all over the place. I was really angry for a long time and my friends were too scared to say anything in front of me. I just wished they’d acted normally around me.

I was so angry at one point that I turned to self-harming, because I didn’t know how to deal with my emotions. Over time though, I got myself help and some counselling and got my anger under control. Apart from the one teacher, I felt like the school didn’t really look into why I was behaving badly – they would just exclude me and never looked into the reasons why I behaved like I did, so they could have been more supportive.

During my last year of school, I started to settle down. I found that by channelling my anger into my schoolwork helped a lot and I managed to pass all my exams.

If I was to give advice to a teacher, I’d say be there for the student. Don’t overcrowd them, or over-support them, but say you are there if they need to talk, and looks for ways that you can support them. 11. 12.

MY STORY - BRADLEYMy brother Jordan died three years ago from cancer. It was really hard going back to school. Although Jordan was my older brother, he’d missed a lot of school because of his treatment, so he was in the same year as me. So when I went back to school, there was always an empty seat. I really missed him.

It took me a while for it to finally sink in, but one day when I was at school, I suddenly realised ‘he’s not here’ and it hit me that he wasn’t ever coming back. That was really hard. Although Jordan and I used to argue quite a lot, as brothers do, he was the only person who could calm me down and say things like, ‘Bradley, you’re being an

idiot.’ When he was gone, there wasn’t anyone to say that to me. So I got into fights with people, and I stopped caring about finishing school or my lessons.

My school was mostly quite good, because they knew Jordan so the teachers often let me leave lessons if I felt I needed to. But there was bullying from some students. My sister Jasmine and I were both bullied and there was one girl at our school who used to say she was glad our brother was dead. That was really hard to deal with.

If I was to give teachers advice, I would say it’s important to give students the option to take time out if they need it.

A TEACHER’S EXPERIENCEby nicky sutton

My first teaching experience of supporting a bereaved child in my class was six years ago, when one of my students lost his mum. As a relatively new teacher this was a scary prospect as it wasn’t something that I had been taught how to deal with during the course of my teaching degree. However, only the year before I had lost my own mother and I was therefore able to use my own experience to help me understand how this child was feeling and how they needed to be treated.

One of the greatest tools I had at the time was the personal experience of a Penhaligon’s Friends family bereavement day. Penhaligon’s Friends is a charity based in Cornwall that suports bereaved children.

The activities that both I and my children took part in that day alongside other bereaved families, and the

counselling we had all received gave me some idea of how I might apply these to my classroom and to support my grieving student.

This experience, coupled with my personal bereavement, made me reflect on the huge impact that grief has in all aspects of a student’s life, including their education. As a result, in our school along with the head, we created a new role that I could undertake as ‘school bereavement support worker’ in order to make sure that every child in our school received the emotional support they needed when they suffered a loss.

Since then I have supported many children, of all different ages, through a variety of circumstances, including, unfortunately, a critical incident when we lost a young pupil in our school to cancer. This opportunity has been one of the most rewarding aspects of my teaching career. I don’t suggest that what I took on is an easy role, in fact far from it, and I can understand why many teachers shy away from discussing death and serious illness as these are very difficult topics to approach and teachers are not trained in dealing with such incidents.

In order for children to make progress in their education and indeed, in their personal lives, I believe it is of paramount importance that there is a support network in schools to help bereaved children come to terms with their losses.

In my normal teaching role, I teach drama, dance and art to every child in my school, so when a child comes to me for support they are not talking to a ‘stranger.’ This said, the first thing we do is share a hot chocolate and a biscuit, when I also provide the tissues, the listening ear and remind them that part of my role is to be there for them whenever they need me!

What happens next depends on what the child needs from me and for themselves to help them to get through this difficult time. It may be enough that we talk, share relevant stories and do some simple activities to help us talk though feelings. However it may also be that I need to try and see them as often

as I can and let them choose a longer term project that will give them something positive to focus on or a different outlet for discussion, such as making a memory box or book.

From a teacher’s perspective, the biggest issue that remains a hindrance for me, and all teachers, is time. I spend an enormous amount of my own time, lunch and break times supporting children. One of the most poignant quotes that I have in relation to this is:

‘‘Death neither obeys the school timetable, nor appears on it…it enters the room without knocking.’’

I believe that one of the simplest solutions to this could be to spend some time training all the staff to have the confidence, and to give them the tools, to be able to support the children in their own classes when the need arises. This is something that I am planning to do in my school.

Another important consideration in looking after the needs of these pupils is a quiet space where they feel they can talk about their feelings and needs, something else that is at a premium when schools are such busy places. Like most teachers I have many roles in school, and children and colleagues frequently come to my classroom for one reason and another. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make for a peaceful space when children need both private and quiet time with you.

Also, just as data is shared with secondary school partners, information about bereaved children should also be shared in order for continuity in their emotional support, as this move is already a very scary time for most children.

Although I hate to admit it, I am guilty of absent-mindedly forgetting to pass on details of a young person’s bereavement to their next school. Therefore, specific transition systems that communicate this information to the secondary school to support these children would be really beneficial to them as they move through their education.

I believe that all head teachers should have a specified member of staff to support children in these circumstances and also to train the staff in counselling their children, and that this member of staff should also be responsible for communication with secondary schools and referrals to organisations like Penhaligon’s Friends.

I also feel it’s vital that every school tries to find and designate a quiet, private space for children to talk and for teachers to listen.

These measures could make a big difference to a child going through a bereavement, and should help in supporting them through a very difficult time in their young life.

If you would like some advice or support on how to help bereaved childen at your school, please see the back of our magazine for some helpful contacts

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CONTACTSPenhaligon’s Friends

www.penhaligonsfriends.org.uk

Penhaligon’s FriendsThe ChambersPenryn Street

RedruthTR15 2SP

01209 210624 or 01209 215889

Winston’s Wish

www.winstonswish.org.uk

3rd FloorCheltenham House

Clarence StreetCheltenham

GloucestershireGL50 3JR

01242 515157

Young Minds

www.youngminds.org.uk

Suite 11Baden PlaceCrosby Row,

London,SE1 1YW

020 7089 5050

Public Service Broadcasting Trust

PSBTCompany 2194957. Charity 298643

fixers.org.uk facebook.com/FixersUK @FixersUK

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