Brooklyn Nine-Nine

"Jake The Hero"

By

Rob Pardini

COLD OPEN

INT. 99TH PRECINCT - LINE UP ROOM

JAKE, AMY, CHARLES, and TERRY are standing behind a one way

window, staring at a group of mean looking PERPS in a line

up. An OLD WOMEN is with them, looking closely at them as

well.

JAKE

Do any of these men look like the

one who stole your car Maam?

OLD WOMEN

The one in the middle. Number

three. Hes the one who stole it.

Im sure of it.

JAKE

Seriously?

(to group)

That was easier than its ever been.

AMY

Yeah, a line up has never gone that

well before.

CHARLES

We are way ahead of schedule

here. Legally, we dont have to

release these guys for another

hour.

JAKE

I know what we should do.

CUT TO: One of the Perps is holding a PIECE OF PAPER.

JAKE

(into the SPEAKER)

Number One, please read the phrase

youve been given

PERP

(reading)

Hand me the keys you...

Amy, Charles and Terry share groans of disappointment.

AMY

Come on, Jake. Not the Usual

Suspects bit again.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

CHARLES

You do it everytime.

JAKE

But its so cool! You know that

scene was improvised right? The

whole thing. Benicio Del Toro kept

farting too.

CUT TO: Amy is speaking into the speaker.

AMY

Suspects, please put your right

hand in.

The Perps all put their right hand in.

AMY (CONT)

Now, take your right hand out.

They all take their right hand out.

AMY (CONT)

Now put your right hand back in...

(beat)

And shake it all about!

The Perps look at the window, confused. Amy laughs and

looks around at her fellow detectives. They stare at her

like an idiot.

AMY

Screw you guys, Im funny dammit.

CUT TO: The Perps are now eating some exquisite

FOOD. Charles speaks into the speaker.

CHARLES

Those who liked plate A better,

step foward. If you liked play

plate B, step back.

Four of the Perps step forward and only one steps back.

CHARLES (contd)

Wow, the creme du fromage with the

huge upset. Did not see that

coming.

JAKE

Why did we let you do this?

CUT TO: GINA has arrived and she talks into the speaker.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

GINA

Suspect one, how would you describe

your perfect date?

TERRY

This isnt a dating show, Gina.

GINA

Yeah, but Tinder isnt and CANT

fulfill my needs so I need to get

my boom boom boom some other way.

(to perps)

Suspect number two, if I was an ice

cream cone, how would you eat me?

CUT TO: Terry is on the other side of the glass with the

Perps. He is using two of them as WEIGHTS as he holds them

by the pants and does some intense CURLS. The other Perps

keep count out loud.

TERRY

I get this workout in now, then I

only have to spend 2 hours at the

gym later.

The other detectives count along with the perps.

CHARLES

(to Peralta)

So Del Toro was really farting the

entire time?

JAKE

Yeah, just ripping them!

END OF COLD OPEN

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

ACT ONE

INT. 99TH PRECINCT CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING

Members of the 99th precinct gather in the conference room

for a meeting. CAPTIAN HOLT is standing at the podium with

Terry beside him.

HOLT

And lastly, I would like to remind

you that today is our 300th

straight day without a doughnut in

the station. Way to break down

sterotypes everyone.

Everyone gives a round of applause. SCULLY comes in late

with a BOX OF DOUGHNUTS, and he is even eating one.

SCULLY

Sorry Im late boss.

TERRY

Dammit Scully! The doughnut streak!

SCULLY

(taking another bite)

I regret nothing.

HOLT

Now before we leave is there

anything...

Jake leaps up to the podium with a NEWSPAPER in his hand.

JAKE

Now that you mention it Captain,

there is something I would like to

brag about.

ROSA

Nobody cares that you met a drunk

Joe Namath at a Nets game.

JAKE

First of all, thats not what Im

talking about and second of all,

people do care.

CHARLES

I sure care Jake, even though I

dont know who Joe Namath is.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

JAKE

Thank you Charles. What I wanted to

brag about was this front page

article in the New York Times about

the case I closed recently. You

know, the one with the illegal

street racing ring and

the undercover cop who couldnt

decide where his loyalties lied?

AMY

Isnt that "The Fast and the

Furious"?

JAKE

I know, right? Weird

coincidence. Anyway, here it is in

all its glory.

(throws newspaper to Amy)

And trust me, this is just the

start. First its newspapers, then

its talk shows and then Ill be

hosting Saturday Night Live with

musical guest Taylor Swift.

CHARLES

Shes good, but shes no Lana Del

Rey.

ROSA

(under her breath)

Agreed.

Charles looks to Rosa, shocked that she likes Lana Del Rey.

ROSA (contd)

You tell anyone, youll wish you

hadnt.

AMY

(to Jake)

Your name isnt in the article.

JAKE

WHAT?

Jake SNATCHES the newspaper out of Amys hands to see for

himself.

AMY

All it says is "An NYPD

Detective".

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

ROSA

For all anyone knows Scully or

Hitchcock could have solved this

case.

Scully looks up upon hearing their names. HITCHCOCK sits

next to him but is taking a nap.

SCULLY

(poking hitchcock)

Hey, I think we did something good.

HITCHCOCK

(violently wakes up)

Charlie everywhere!

JAKE

(upset)

I cant believe this. Stupid New

York times! Im going to continue

not reading you.

Jake RIPS up the newspaper into tiny little pieces and

THROWS it up in the air before slumping back into his seat.

The pieces of newspaper fall like celebration confetti,

landing all over Holt.

HOLT

(brushing trash off)

May I ask why this is so important

to you, Peralta?

JAKE

Now no one is gonna know that Jake

Peralta is the one who took down

all those criminals and solved this

huge case.

AMY

So what? Shouldnt making the

streets safer for the city be

enough?

HOLT

I agree with Santiago.

Amy grabs a JOURNAL from seemingly no where. She WRITES

something in it.

AMY

(to self)

Monday the 14th, at 9:22 am,

Sergeant Holt agreed with me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

JAKE

All that making the city safe and

wiping the criminal scum off the

face of the earth and all that jazz

is fine and dandy but all Im

asking for is a little recognition,

which is apparantly impossible to

get in this city.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE - FLASHBACK

Jake is talking with a CIVILIAN on the front steps of his

home. On the street, there is a PADDY WAGON full of

CRIMINALS in the back.

JAKE

It might have taken almost 18 hours

of non stop work, tracking down

almost nonexistent leads, 3 broken

ribs and a near death experience,

but I caught the guys who robbed

your home and brought all your

belongings back to you.

CIVILIAN

Have a nice day.

The Civilian slams the door right in Jakes face.

BACK TO:

INT. 99TH PRECINCT BULL PEN - AS WE LEFT THEM

Jake turns to face the rest of his peers.

JAKE

Deep down, every cop wants some

recognition and reward for their

hard work. Its the reason people

become cops.

TERRY

I became a cop to make the city a

safe place for my daughters to grow

up.

ROSA

I became a cop so I could legally

hurt people with various weapons.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

AMY

I became a cop to carry on the

proud legacy of my family name in

the NYPD.

CHARLES

I became a cop because I believe

there is good in this world thats

worth fighting for.

GINA

(on her PHONE)

Just skip me, Im too busy texting

the care that I dont give over any

of this.

HITCHCOCK

I became a cop because Scully

wanted to be one.

SCULLY

Really? I became a cop because you

wanted to be one.

AMY

How long have you two been friends?

JAKE

Liars the lot of you! You became

cops for the chance at fame and

glory and you know it. I dont need

this, Im out of here.

Jake grabs his jacket and leaves.

HOLT

And where are you going exactly?

PERALTA

I just have to go to the bank and

tell them that a bunch of charges

on my credit card were made by me.

Ill be back but I just wanted to

leave dramatically.

(to everyone else)

You all make me sick!

Jake exits in a huff.

9.

INT. HOLTS OFFICE - LATER

Holt is sitting at his Desk. Amy enters.

AMY

I updated that report I made up

earlier for you sir.

HOLT

Thank you. Police work may be

boring but I find the boring stuff

to be the most enjoyable. Nothing

like having a fresh stack of paper

and going through it with a new

higlighter and freshly sharpened

pencils.

(beat)

This is my high.

AMY

I agree sir. It doesnt have to be

all glitzy and glamorous, no matter

how much Jake wants it to be.

HOLT

Youre absolutely right. We seem

to be on the same page today.

AMY

(giddy)

Totally. Its like youre taking the

words right outta my mouth.

Literally taking the words out,

putting them into your mouth and

then shooting them out back into my

mouth. Im just going to quit while

Im ahead.

Amy exits, quickly.

INT. BANK - LATER

Jake is sitting at a desk. Across the desk sits a TELLER.

JAKE

I know it was unusual activity, but

I assure you I am the one made

those purchases on my credit card.

TELLER

So you bought twenty cardboard cut

outs of 1980s professional

wrestlers?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

JAKE

Yes, I was drunk and nostaglic. A

deadly combination.

TELLER

Ok. I can clear that right up for

you then. Is there anything else I

could do for you Mr. Peralta?

JAKE

No, that will be all. Unless you

can tell the entire city of New

York who I am so I can get the

recognition I deserve?

TELLER

Are you the guy whose dog performed

CPR on a World War two veteran?

JAKE

What? No. Gross, so many germs.

Jake exits. On his way out, he holds the door open for two

suspicous MEN.

MAN 1

Thank, man.

JAKE

No problem. At least Im getting

thanked for something.

Jake walks down the street. As he puts his wallet away, he

searches through it.

JAKE

(annoyed)

And I forgot to get my card back.

Lovely.

Jake does a 180 and walks back into the bank. He enters to

see the two Men who he held the door for ROBBING THE BANK

and heading straight for him. Everyone is on the ground.

They collide with Jake, causing them to drop their GUNS and

BAGS filled with CASH.

JAKE (contd)

(picking himself up)

What the hell? I hold the door open

for you guys and you go and do

this? Not cool.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

MAN 1

(to other Man)

Grab the cash and lets get outta

here!

JAKE

Or you could come with me.

(pulls out BADGE and GUN)

NYPD. Youre under arrest.

The two Men surrender and put their hands in the air.

INT. HOLTS OFFICE - LATER

Jake stands in front of Holt at his desk.

HOLT

Well done, Peralta. The force is

very impressed by your actions

today.

JAKE

My pleasure Captain. Ive had

"Stop a bank robbery" on my

detective bucket list for a while

now.

Jake pulls out a PIECE OF PAPER with a long, list on it from

his pocket and shows Holt.

JAKE

Its right here in between "Seduce a

hot daughter of a mob boss" and

"Meet Liam Neeson". That rone has

nothing to do with being a

detective, Im just a big fan.

HOLT

Join the club. Anyway, todays

events certainly havent gone

unnoticed. The commissioner wants

you to address the media about it.

JAKE

Seriously? When?

HOLT

Now.

12.

EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - IMMEDIATELY

Jake is standing in front of a HORDE OF REPORTERS who are

shoving their microphones in front of his face. They shove

each other trying to get a better position like a mosh pit.

Behind the reporters is a GROUP OF CITIZENS who are cheering

and lauding over Jake and his heroic actions. He just takes

it all in.

JAKE

Now this is more like it.

END OF ACT ONE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

ACT TWO

EXT. CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY

Jake, dressed to the nines in his full uniform, stands next

to DEPUTY COMMISSIONER PODOLSKI and Holt. Podolski is

behind a podium on the steps of City Hall, adressing a large

CROWD, from reporters to citizens.

PODOLSKI

The NYPD is extremely proud of the

heroism displayed by the 99th

precincts Detective Peralta. He

is a valuable member of our force

and...

(swallowing pride)

We could use more people like him

in this great city.

This is greated by a round of applause. Podolski leans over

to Jake.

PODOLSKI (contd)

(to Jake)

I just threw up in my mouth.

JAKE

And I couldnt be happier.

PODOLSKI

(to crowd)

It is my pleasure to award

Detective Peralta with the

Commendation on Integrity, for his

bravery in this highly credible,

yet unusual accomplishment

Podolski presents the MEDAL, a bar decorated with a green

and blue stripe on the ends and a blue star in the middle,

and pins it on Jake as the crowd gives another round of

applause.

JAKE

Be gentle, its my first time.

PODOLSKI

Stop enjoying this so much.

JAKE

I will, but not before I crowd

surf!

Jake JUMPS into the crowd. But no one even tries to catch

Jake and he crashes on the hard ground.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

Everyone is concerned but Jake bounces right back up.

JAKE

Im ok. Im ok. Im ok and Im

still a hero.

INT. 99TH PRECINCT BULL PEN - LATER

Jake and Holt return to the Precinct after the

ceremony. Jake proudly struts in, wearing his shiny new

medal.

JAKE

(sing song voice)

I got a shiny medal. I got a shiny

medal and you dont.

CHARLES

I sure dont. Way to go Jake!

Jake and Charles hi-five. Amy rolls her eyes.

AMY

You would let this go way to your

head. You know that medal isnt

that big of a deal right?

JAKE

Oh really? did you ever win one?

AMY

(beat)

No.

JAKE

Then sucks to be you. Because once

again youve been left in the dust

by Jake "Hero of Brooklyn" Peralta.

Thats one of the few nicknames

Ive given myself. Here are the

rest. UltraCop, Supermans favorite

hero, True-est Detective...

HOLT

(interupting)

Peralta, congratulations on your

accomplishment. Although the medal

is a little flashy for my taste.

Jake looks at the medal, which is everything but flashy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

JAKE

Yeah, sure.

HOLT

But those bank robbers arent the

only criminals in the city. Its

time for you and for everyone to

get back to work.

JAKE

I will get started right away. And

by right away I mean after my super

awesome party thats being thrown in

my honor tonight.

Rosa appraches Jake, clearly upset.

ROSA

Party? We were supposed to do a

stakeout out tonight for that drug

deal we gotta tip on. Remember?

JAKE

Rosa, part of this new role of mine

is that I have to balance the

responsiblities of my two jobs,

detective and hero this city

deserves and needs right now.

ROSA

What does that mean?

JAKE

Means Im not going. Dont worry

well get them the next time. Im

sure theyll run out of drugs

sooner or later, probably sooner.

Jake exits.

AMY

Can you believe him?

CHARLES

I know. He didnt invite us. We

can still go right? Were best

friends with the hero, we should be

able to get in.

GINA

Im going. I heard Jay-Zs personal

assistant will be there and I want

to know why he isnt responding to

my hilariously sexy snapchats.

16.

INT. 99TH PRECINCT - HOLTS OFFICE

Holt sits at his desk. Amy enters.

AMY

Hey Captain, do you have a second?

HOLT

Of course. I hope that Peraltas

accomplishment hasnt been a

distraction to your work.

AMY

Not at all sir. I actually just

picked up on a new lead I wanted to

share with you. Could you come to

the conference room with me real

quick?

CUT TO:

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - IMMEDIATLEY AFTER

Holt and Amy enter the conference room. Amy walks over to a

WHITEBOARD and FLIPS it over, revealing a large COLLAGE

filled with PICTURES, NOTES, and MAPS with PIECES OF YARN of

different colors connecting them all.

HOLT

I see youve been keeping yourself

busy.

AMY

This is my research on how we can

stop all crime in New York city

forever.

HOLT

And how long have you been working

on this?

AMY

Since I became a detective, and a

little bit before that as well. I

know it seems a bit confusing so

sit down while I explain. It might

take a while.

Holt sits down, his mouth is still open.

AMY

Ok, so the green strings represent

the mobs in the city and if they

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

AMY (contd)have a gold star on them, that

means there is a sixty-three

percent chance that they know where

Jimmy Hoffas body is.

HOLT

Santiago, I can honestly say that I

have never seen anything like this

in all my years with the NYPD.

AMY

(choked up)

That was the nicest thing you have

ever said to me Captain.

INT. BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT

The bar is packed. Everyone is there to celebrate Jakes

award and have a chance to meet everyones hero.

Jake is wearing his MEDAL and a SASH that says "HERO" on

it. He walks around the bar and bathes in his new found

celebrity.

JAKE

(to random people)

Hey whats up? I guess they let

anyone in here. No Im kidding,

stay beautiful. Yo gimme some,

white hand side white hand side.

Oh, dance circle! Let me in here!

(pops and locks, poorly)

Thats what I do. That is what I

do.

EXT. BAR ENTRACNE - IMMEDIATLY AFTER

Terry, Charles and Gina arrive but they are stopped by the

BOUNCER at the door.

CHARLES

Hello, keeper of the bar. We are

here for the celebration.

BOUNCER

Are you on the list?

CHARLES

We should be, were best friends

with the guest of honor.

Charles sees Jake at the bar and tries to get his

attention.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

CHARLES (contd)

(waving)

Jake! Jake! Its your friend

Charles, from work! Were here!

Jake is too busy pounding beers and being famous to notice

his friends outside the entrance.

BOUNCER

Youre not getting in.

CHARLES

(to Terry and Gina)

Ok, I didnt want to do this, but

it looks like Ill have to give

this guy a little tip-job to get us

in.

GINA

Dont tell us what that is.

Charles extends his hand to the Bouncer, gesturing for a

SHAKE.

CHARLES

No hard feelings, pal.

The Bouncer SHAKES Charles hand. He looks in his hand to

find a GIFT CARD.

BOUNCER

Is this a gift card?

CHARLES

Not just any gift card, a gift card

to the 3rd most adequate restaurant

in the city called...

The Bouncer throws the gift card away.

BOUNCER

Back of the line.

They walk to the back of the line.

TERRY

I need to get into this party. If I

go home, my daughters are gonna

make me watch "Frozen" again. You

dont know what the movie can do to

a man.

CUT TO:

19.

FLASHBACK: 99TH PRECINCT - LOCKER ROOM

Members of the 99 get changed in the locker room. Terry

stands in front of his locker putting on his TIE.

TERRY

(singing)

Let it go, let it go! Turn away and

slam the door! I dont care, what

theyre going to say...

Terry shit his locker and turns around, only to see other

MEMBERS of the 99 all staring at him.

Terry stares back and gulps loudly.

BACK TO:

EXT. BAR - AS WE LEFT THEM

Charles get caught up in the moment and sings along.

CHARLES

Im so sick of Frozen. If you ask

me, Tangled was way better.

GINA

Dont worry. Ive been denied at

practically every bar, club, and

Jay Z and Beyonce dinner date

around. But I have my ways of

getting in. Follow my lead.

Gina approaches the Bouncer.

GINA (contd)

Hello, gatekeeper to alcohol. Cant

you find it in your heart to...

Gina KICKS the Bouncer in the shin and RUNS right by him.

But she is escorted right back outside by two other

Bouncers.

GINA

Bad idea. I did not check for more

security. Rookie mistake Linetti,

you dumb bitch, come on!

Gina, Terry and Charles walk away from the entrance as the

Bouncer rubs his shin.

20.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Amy and Rosa hold a stake out on a very shady street. They

sit in a parked car.

ROSA

Thanks again for helping me out on

this one. Jake and I have been

working this case for months, and

the second we get a hot lead he

goes out to let everyone kiss his

ass.

AMY

My pleasure. And its best not to

get jealous about Jake and all the

attention hes getting.

ROSA

Im not jealous. Im pissed.

AMY

Yeah, Im not jealous either. I

dont know why we even brought it

up.

ROSA

You brought it up. You said not to

get jealous.

AMY

No I didnt.

ROSA

Yes, you did.

AMY

Doesnt matter, ok? Lets just drop

it.

ROSA

Fine. But you said it though.

AMY

Hey, look.

Two suspcious looking MEN turn around the corner and post up

at the corner. A car DRIVES up and parks in front of them.

ROSA

This is it. Wait for them to make

the exchange.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

The car drives away and the two men walk down the street in

the opposite direction.

AMY

Thats it. Lets hit it.

Amy and Rosa exit the car and pursue the two Men.

AMY (contd)

You come up from behind them and

Ill sneak up in front and get the

jump on them.

ROSA

That seems unnecessary. Lets

just...

Rosa looks for Amy but she is already gone.

Rosa catches up with the two men.

ROSA

NYPD, stop right there.

The two men turn to see Rosa and they run away. Before Rosa

can give chase, Amy flies in and TAKES DOWN both men. Rosa

stops in her tracks.

Amy picks up one of the men and pummels him. The other one

grabs her from behind but she flips him over herself onto

the ground like a ninja.

ROSA

This is the most Ive ever liked

you.

Amy delivers a final knockout blow to the man on the ground

and then handcuffs both of them.

AMY

(to men)

Listen up, I want answers and I

want them now.

MAN 1

Please dont hurt me anymore. I

have a wife and 2 kids that hate

me.

MAN 2

Dont hurt me either. Im sleeping

with his wife.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

ROSA

Santiago, as much as I like hurting

people we dont have to do this

now. We can call it in and take

them to the station.

AMY

Nope, we have to do it now. Where

did these drugs come from huh?

Gangs? Cartel? Illuminati? Who?

ROSA

Seriously? Illuminati?

AMY

Tell me who it was so I can take

them down and get a medal and stab

Jakes stupid face with it.

ROSA

And there it is.

INT. BAR - MUCH LATER

Jake is smashed. He has added a lopsided CROWN to his

ensemble. He stands next to a SPOKESWOMAN for the bank.

There is a table with what appears to be a BOX on it that is

covered with a sheet.

SPOKESWOMAN

I would just like to thank everyone

for coming tonight to honor, and he

asked me to say this, Hero of the

Century, Detective Jake Peralta.

The drunk crowd roars for Jake as he panders to them.

SPOKESWOMAN

As a token of our appreciation, we

would like to present Mr. Peralta

with a gift.

JAKE

I like gifts.

SPOKESWOMAN

We decided to give you a gift from

one hero cop to another. It is my

pleasure to give to you

(beat)

John McClanes gun from "Die Hard"!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

The Spokeswoman RIPS off the sheet to reveal a GLASS BOX

containing the prop gun Bruce Willis used in the film "Die

Hard".

Jakes eyes lit up. Hes never recieved a gift like this

before in his entire life.

EXT. ALLEY BY THE BAR - MEANWHILE

Terry is reaching for a window to look into the bar. He is

being lifted by Charles while Gina watches. Charles is

struggling to keep Terry up.

GINA

Can you reach the window?

TERRY

Im trying!

CHARLES

(breathing, heavily)

Can you hurry please?

GINA

Wait, why didnt we have Terry lift

up Charles?

CHARLES

(still struggling)

Oh, why are we so bad at this?

Charles collapses under the weight of Terry and they both

fall to the ground hard.

GINA

(giggles)

Nice.

Gina takes a selfie with them lying on the ground.

INT. BAR - AS WE LEFT THEM

Jake is still in awe over recieving John McClanes gun.

SPOKESWOMAN

Jake, are you ok? You havent moved

or said anything for a full minute.

JAKE

Can...Can I hold it?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

SPOKESWOMAN

Of course.

Jake lifts open the glass case and holds the gun.

JAKE

My entire life has been leading up

to this moment.

(yelling)

I am worthy to hold the gun of John

McClane!

The crowd erupts as Jake holds his prize in the air.

EXT. BAR ENTRANCE - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

A defeated Terry, Charles and Gina approach the Bouncer.

CHARLES

Please let us into the bar. Pretty

please. We would really like to go

inside. We all really want this.

Please.

The Bouncer looks at them with pity.

BOUNCER

Ok, go in.

Terry, Charles and Gina celebrate and head for the bar.

Just as Jake rushes out the door, waving his gun proudly and

drunk. He meets Terry, Charles and Gina.

JAKE

(to Terry, Charles, Gina)

Co-workers! Look at my new gun!

Its Die Hards gun! Die Hards

gun!

A Taxi cab pulls up to the curb.

JAKE (contd)

(re: cab)

Oh, is this for me?

Jake crawls into the cab and it drives off, leaving Terry,

Charles and Gina in the dust.

25.

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

Jake drunkenly stumbles into his home.

JAKE

(singing but slurring)

And you can tell erry body..Im da

man Im da man Im da man!

VOICE (O.S)

You are the man.

Jake looks up to see a group of nasty looking BAD GUYS

standing in his living room.

LEAD BAD GUY

Youre the man who screwed up my

bank job, and now youre gonna pay.

Jake looks at the bad guys and laughs. His laugh gets louder

and louder and eventually the Bad Guys join in.

Jake goes to put his hands behind his, but reaches for the

GUN that is taped to his back.

JAKE

(draws gun)

Holly, duck!

Jake pulls the trigger but nothing fires. Just empty clicks.

JAKE (contd)

Oh right, fake gun. Crap.

END OF ACT TWO

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

ACT THREE

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - AS WE LEFT THEM

The Bad Guys surrond Jake as he sits uncomfortably in a

chair in the middle of the living room.

JAKE

Ok, I know what this is really

about. You guys want autographs,

right? Let me just grab this pen

and paper right here. Now who do I

make it out to? Psycho criminals?

Is that hypenated or...

LEAD BAD GUY

(interuppting)

We dont want you stupid autograph,

hotshot! We want our goddamn money!

JAKE

I have like a hundred bucks in

change in a water cooler in my

bedroom if that helps.

LEAD BAD GUY

We spent months planning that heist

and you ruined it!

JAKE

Months? Seriously? It took you

months to think of the plan "Run

into the bank with guns and take

the money"? You guys are horrible

criminals.

LEAD BAD GUY

Shut up! Weve been watching you,

bragging and flaunting your little

good deed around town and were

sick of it! So let me tell you

whats gonna happen. Were gonna hit

the same bank again, and this time,

youre gonna help us rob it.

JAKE

Really? And why would I do that? We

havent exactly gotten off on the

right foot here.

LEAD BAD GUY

If you dont, then we might

accidentally break your precious

new toy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

A Baddie holds up the Gun from "Die Hard" and waves it at

Jake.

JAKE

No! Dont hurt it! He didnt do

anything to you!

LEAD BAD GUY

Thats what I thought.

INT. 99TH PRECINCT - NEXT DAY

Holt walks out of his office and looks around the bullpen.

HOLT

Has anyone seen Santiago? I need to

ask her about these reports she

filled out.

ROSA

Which one, the report about the

mayor funding a sweatshop or the

one with the mayor running a dog

fighting ring?

(beat)

She really doesnt trust the mayor,

does she?

HOLT

To be honest, I didnt vote for him

either.

ROSA

Shes in the interrogation room

right now. You should probably

check in on her.

CUT TO:

INT. 99TH PRECINCT - INTERROGATION ROOM

Amy stands behind the window in front of Holt. There is a

MAN sitting at the table. His hands cover his face as he

weeps loudly.

AMY

Is this important Captain? Im

kinda in the middle of something

here.

HOLT

Why is that man crying Santiago?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

AMY

Who him? I just got him to confess

to crap load of crimes. Hes going

to jail for a while and now people

are going to now all about me and

my awesomeness and Jakes will be

yesterdays hot garbage.

HOLT

I thought you didnt care about

Peraltas...recent surge in

popularity.

AMY

I dont care about the interviews,

and parties, or the front row seats

to Springsteen.

HOLT

Front Row? Is he bringing anyone?

Im sorry you were saying?

AMY

Its that award. Every man in my

family has won that award. Ive

always wanted to keep that

tradition alive but I havent

earned it yet. But some how, Jake

just lucks into it.

HOLT

Santiago, just because Peralta won

an award and you didnt doesnt

make you any less of a cop. You

still one of the best cops Ive

ever worked with. Im sure your

family is proud of you, no matter

if you win every award there is, or

none at all.

AMY

Maybe youre right, sir. Im pretty

sure Ive been doing worse ever

since I tried so hard winning the

award. Ive been really grasping at

straws.

Holt looks through the window.

HOLT

What about him? What did you get

him for?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

AMY

Tax evasion.

HOLT

Thats actually very impressive.

AMY

Did you know that Al Capone...

HOLT

Yes.

Charles enters, holding his PHONE. He looks worried.

CHARLES

Captain, I just got a text from

Jake. I think hes in trouble.

HOLT

(concerned)

What does it say?

CHARLES

It says "Im in trouble."

HOLT

Oh. Where is he?

CHARLES

He says hes at the last place you

would ever find him.

AMY

I know where he is.

EXT. HEALTHY RESTAURANT - DAY

Holt, Amy and Charles arrive at a local gym. Rosa and Terry

are already there.

TERRY

We got your message. Whats going

on?

AMY

Its Jake. He should be inside.

30.

INT. HEALTHY RESTAURANT - IMMEDIATLY AFTER

Jake is sitting at a table, sipping a GLASS OF WATER.

JAKE

Thank god you guys are here. The

waitresses were giving me crap

because Im taking up such a big

table by myself and not ordering

any garbage health food. Also, Im

in huge trouble.

CHARLES

Why dont you just order some food

then?

JAKE

(to Charles)

Who am I, you?

HOLT

What are we doing here Peralta?

JAKE

Remember that bank robbery I

stopped and became a national

sensation?

They act like that hasnt been the focus of the enitre

episode, except Charles.

CHARLES

That was awesome.

JAKE

They werent the only ones in on

it. The rest of them showed up at

my house and threatened me to help

them rob another bank. Thankfully I

was able to give them the slip and

contact you guys.

INT. JAKES APARTMENT - FLASHBACK

Jake is walking to the door. The Bad Guys are sitting in

his living room.

JAKE

I have to go to the bathroom.

(beat)

Outside.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

BAD GUY

Ok.

INT. HEALTH RESTAURANT - AS WE LEFT THEM

JAKE

They are seriously terrible

criminals. But I have to get back

soon. Or else.

HOLT

Or else what?

JAKE

(choking up)

They took him Captain. They took my

boy.

TERRY

Hes talking about the gun.

Everyone groans.

ROSA

This is the problem Jake. Ever

since you got that stupid award

youve been a total jackass.

A WAITRESS approaches them

WAITRESS

Good, youre friends are here.

Would you like to order?

(beat)

Finally?

JAKE

(to Waitress)

Yes, glasses of water, all around.

On me!

The waitress rolls her eyes and exits.

HOLT

Rosas right Jake. Youve been

ignoring your cases, Santiago has

been acting crazy with jealousy.

AMY

(scoffs)

Not crazy with jealousy.

Everyone looks at Amy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 32.

AMY (contd)

Ok, maybe.

CHARLES

Youve even left Terry, Gina and I

behind at that party. I understand

Terry and Gina, but me Jake? Your

best friend? Charles?

JAKE

What do you want from me? An

apology for being so awesome and

stopping a bank robbery?

AMY

We want you to stop being such an

ass about it.

Everyone murmurs in agreement.

JAKE

I guess I could have been a little

bit cooler about it. And Im sorry

and I will make it up to you and

the enitre 99, but I am seriously

in trouble here guys. What are we

gonna do?

HOLT

Just go along with the robbers

plan while we figure out what to

do. Everyone get back to the

station. We have some work to do.

INT. BANK - THE NEXT DAY

Another typical day at the bank. Tellers are helping

customers with their financial troubles.

Jake kicks through the doors and runs into the bank and

JUMPS up on the counter. He is dressed as a cliche bank

robber, complete with BLACK MASK and a BAG with a giant

DOLLAR SIGN on it.

JAKE

(in a old timey gangster

accent)

Myeah see! This here is a good old

fashioned stick up!

The Bad Guys rush in with their guns drawn.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 33.

LEAD BAD GUY

What are you doing?

JAKE

If Im gonna rob a bank, Im gonna

do it my way. Everyone reach for

the sky!

LEAD BAD GUY

Thats Woody from Toy Story! Stop

screwing around and grab as much as

you can!

Jake and and other Bad Guys harass the tellers as they fill

the bags with cash. They grab the bags and head for the

door.

They run outside only to meet the entire 99 force waiting

for them.

The Bad Guys drop their guns and bags and put their hands

up. But Lead Bud Guy turns around to run away but Jake

TACKLES him from behind and cuffs him.

BAD GUY

You son of a bitch! You planned

this the whole time?

JAKE

Yeah, I dont know how you guys

didnt see it coming. You guys

couldnt rob a sperm bank.

BAD GUY

Who would do that?

JAKE

Doesnt matter. Youre under arrest

stupid.

END OF ACT THREE

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.

TAG

EXT. CITY HALL - THE NEXT DAY

The entire 99 stands out front of City Hall. A sea of fans

and reporters stands in front of them, just like before.

Jake stands in front of a podium.

JAKE

The robbers were taken into custody

and they

REPORTER

How did you stop them this time

Detective?

JAKE

It wasnt me this time. It was all

of us, together, the entire 99

precinct. You see, its never about

one cop. Its about all of us. We

all work together toward the same

goal. Keeping you and the city

safe. We all deserve the credit,

and no one cop should be made

bigger than the entire force.

The 99 and the crowd gives a round of applause.

GINA

Except me, I totally deserve it.

Amy is admiring her new award.

AMY

I finally got it. Im literally

never going to take it off. Not

even in the shower.

JAKE

(walking by)

Not even in the shower. Amy

Santiago sex tape name.

Holt approaches Jake.

HOLT

Im very proud of you Jake.

JAKE

Dont be too proud. I almost took

credit for the whole thing. I had

this story where you were all tied

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 35.

JAKE (contd)up and the bank was burning and I

came in on a jetpack. Some pretty

good stuff.

HOLT

Regardless, theres someone Id

like you to meet. I never told you

this, but Im actually related to

someone who was in "Die Hard".

JAKE

Oh yeah, like an extra or

something?

HOLT

Or something.

Holt waves someone over. Jake turns around to meet REGINALD

VELJOHNSON, the actor who played Sergeant Al Powell in "Die

Hard".

Jake is speechless, motionless.

REGINALD

Hello Jake. Im Reg. Ray told me

your a fan and after he told me

what you did I thought I could...

Jake HUGS Reginald and doesnt let go. Reginald can hardly

breathe.

REGINALD

(stuggling to get the words

out)

Nice to meet you too Jake.

JAKE

Call me...Roy.

REGINALD

I dont wanna do that.

Jake continues to hug Reginald and Holt looks on as we...

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW.