Building Business Relationships 1 · 2013. 9. 18. · Building Business Relationships 7 the skill to seek out and establish professional relationships with interesting, like-minded

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Building Business Relationships 1

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By giving greater priority to the quality of your relationships with colleagues, customers and others, you, your team and your business will benefit.

Building Business Relationships and Influence

Building business relations and influencing people are vital leadership skills, whether you are communicating with other people individually or as a group. An ability to get your views across clearly, in a way that brings the desired result, is a defining characteristic of a successful leader.

Closely linked with an ability to influence people positively, is the skill to resolve or manage conflicts. Conflict can happen in many situations: when priorities are being planned, when work is delegated and during times of change, uncertainty or stress. There are many causes of conflict. These include personal clashes resulting from an argument, a poor relationship or basic personality clash or a personality defect such as bullying. There are also professional causes of conflict. These might arise from different approaches and ways of working, a fear of change, concern or dissatisfaction with an aspect of employment or rumours.

Business relationships are:

Internal – affecting managers, coaching and performance. Great relationships enable you to attract, develop and retain the best people and to improve performance and productivity.

External – affecting your ability to find and keep customers and increase revenue.

Despite their vital importance, business relationships are often taken for granted. This is a mistake: relationships, whether at work or elsewhere in life, benefit from being actively nurtured. This can require nothing more than a few simple principles.

Display empathy and genuine warmth. This means being supportive, open, positive, constructive and engaging – not simply ‘friendly’.

Remember that actions really are as important as words. Dependability, consideration and effort can go a long way to building a relationship. Therefore, deliver what you say you will and treat others as you would wish to be treated.

Actively listen and question. This helps to build understanding and to develop a bond that is both genuine and informed.

Be confident and self-aware. This means being challenging, in control, confident, strong, authoritative and direct. It also means understanding how your behaviour affects others. Also, consider why people should (or do) respect you.

Understand your own motivation and objectives.

Display assertive behaviour. Combine appropriate levels of challenge and support.

Build trust by being diligent and consistent, acting with integrity and sincerity.



Be considerate and realistic. Understand who you are dealing with; take time to find out how they work and what motivates them.

Be patient, calm and controlled. Remember that trust is time sensitive and fragile – it takes time and attention to develop.

Show your passion. People generally respond well to effort, energy, commitment and virtue, so show yours.

Be clear and honest – without hidden agendas.

Checklist: Developing Your Influence and

Communicating with Impact

The ability to communicate clearly is an essential aspect of successful business relationships. The success of many activities depends on good communication, and this requires a range of skills. (These include delegation, negotiating, building high-performing teams, interviewing, conducting appraisals, setting objectives, deciding priorities, handling conflict, mentoring, motivating, leading change, decision making, training and developing staff, global management, selling, meeting customer needs, building customer loyalty, unlocking creativity, and managing and allocating resources.)

Unfortunately, communication skills are often overlooked. Leaders frequently overlook the fact that communication skills can always be improved, with important benefits for the leader, the team and the success of the organisation.

Being a trusted communicator can involve:

looking out for body language – both yours and theirs.

keeping eye contact shows trust and interest, and observing their posture will give some idea of how they feel.

mirroring back someone's body language sensitively is one way of helping to show that you are listening. Similarly, taking an aggressive posture (such as folding your arms) can show that your patience is wearing thin.

asking questions. This not only improves your understanding, but it can also test assumptions and show that you are listening. When asking questions, you should also signal for attention: this will let the other person know that you want to comment and respond to their point and allow them to pause and switch their attention to you before you speak.

summarising at the start of what you want to say, and finish by summarising what has been agreed. Summarising at key intervals helps to prevent misunderstandings and to move the conversation on to the next point.

You should treat others as you would wish to be treated, for example, don't interrupt, embarrass or be rude. Even if you feel it is the only way to make your point, consider whether it would undermine your position. Controlling your emotions is important: avoid getting angry and stay in control.



When talking to someone, you need to be aware of their concerns and reactions. To achieve this, you need to create an environment where they can be honest and open. Even then, some people will still not say how they feel or what they think, or they may simply lack the skills to express themselves adequately. In these circumstances, the leader needs to ask open, probing questions that will provide an indication of what the person is thinking.

The skills required for communicating differ in certain respects from those needed when communicating with groups. Many of the same skills are needed in both situations, such as an ability to understand reactions, but there are important differences. Just because you can rouse a crowd of 500 does not necessarily mean that you can make an impact on an individual – and vice versa.

Focus on what people are really saying, not what you think they are saying.

Maintain trust and avoid rumours, misunderstandings and unnecessary complications by keeping confidentiality, especially with sensitive personnel issues.

React to ideas, not people.

Focus on the significance of the facts and evidence.

Avoid jumping to conclusions.

Listen to how things are said and what is not said.

Speak their language, communicating in terms that others will easily understand.

Use questions to understand people’s real motivations, priorities and concerns.

Summarise key points.

Maintain professionalism and control emotions.

Be sensitive and tactful, especially when disagreeing or questioning.

Choose your words carefully and outline your views.

Stop talking – listening is the key to communicating and influencing, ensuring that you understand the other person and their concerns.

Empathise – put yourself in the other person's position.

Build trust and respect. People are more likely to do what is asked of them if they feel that they have had an opportunity to contribute.

Take time to assess your influencing style – what is productive and unproductive behaviour.

Show interest and support.

View things from the other person’s perspective – empathise.

Follow through on commitments.

Choose the best method of communicating.

Congratulate, energise and ensure that the individual is fully motivated.

Use your network by helping people and asking for help.

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Do this by considering or finding out what is important to them. This means not just comprehending what they are saying, but understanding why they are saying it. Communicating has to be authentic.

Show that you are clearly ‘persuadable’, open and willing to be moved – people will respond. Think about what people are saying, listening for something that enables you both to form a positive connection (perhaps, an achievement or goal that you recognise).

A key listening skill is knowing when to stop talking. Know how to recognise and act on signals from the person or people that you are with. Also, ask genuine, open questions to further your understanding.

The more you give, the more you get back. Energy, enthusiasm, rapport, understanding and sensitivity are all important. Above all, adopt the right approach for the audience and situation. Recognise that people have four needs – they want answers, they want to be liked, they want to be valued and they want time.

1. The name of the person you are speaking with. It is powerful because it is both familiar and personal, but take care not to overuse it.

2. ‘Because’. This connects the conscious with the sub-conscious and helps people listen.

3. ‘And’. This builds on success, unlike ‘But’ which is disagreeable.

4. ‘Would’. This is effective because it gives power to the other person. The opposite is also true, with ‘Should’ being a negative word.

Do this by listening, making a statement, questioning or using a combination of all three. In particular, get people to talk about their hopes: what they want to do and where they want to go.



Things to Avoid Disagreeing without reason.

Patronising.

Taking from others without giving.

Ignoring signs of concern or stress.

Failing to make a good first impression.

Taking quick decisions.

Failing to recognise your own views and biases.

Do not ignore body language – yours and theirs.

Key Questions Answering the following questions will help you to see what is required to be an effective communicator.

What makes me want to listen to someone?

What makes me feel good about the person I am listening to?

What makes me feel negative about them?

What do people do that makes me feel comfortable when I am listening to them?

What do people do that makes me respect them when I am listening to them?

What do people do to lose my respect?

What things do people do that distract me when I am listening to them?

What mannerisms do I find annoying when listening?

What makes me lose interest in a person who is speaking?

What subjects arouse strong emotions in me?

What topics of discussion do I feel uncomfortable listening to?

Do I often think that I already know what the speaker is going to say ahead of time?

What do I tend to think about when I am listening to someone?

What listening problems do I have?

How could I be a better listener?

Checklist: Developing Your Network Networking is an essential skill for anyone who is keen to develop their career and success at work. There are a lot of misconceptions about

networking – particularly in the UK. It simply means having



the skill to seek out and establish professional relationships with interesting, like-minded people. People network and provide each other with mutual support because it is enjoyable, beneficial and the right thing to do. Networking is a valuable skill that:

builds contacts to help you achieve your objectives.

improves your relationships, as you engage in an ongoing conversation with people in your network.

develops a mutual trust and common understanding that improves the flow of information.

exposes you to a range of perspectives.

increases your understanding of your industry, business and clients.

opens up access to learning resources.

Great networkers are able to:

make connections.

understand who might be useful and who they can help.

routinely keep in touch.

establish their own usefulness.

share their network.

trust others.

manage their own learning

Identify and meet individuals with whom you have a mutual interest.

Accumulate a list of potential colleagues and determine which elements of your work have something in common with theirs.

Meet your contacts and make sure you are useful to them.

Maintain the contact.

Some people view networking as being about politics, taking too much time, or simply being ‘false’. These are nothing to do with networking, which is not about politics. It can be achieved simply and easily, and is genuinely enjoyable and beneficial.



These questions can be personal, situational and business focused. For example, the following questions can be useful in an informal gathering with people that you may not know (or may not know well):

Personal: Who are you? Where are you from? What do you do? How is your family?

Situational: How was your journey here? What do you want to take from today? What were the key elements you enjoyed? Who else do you know?

Business: What does your company do? What is your market like? What are the challenges you face at the moment? How might we help you?

Arrive early and stay late at networking events. These are the times the best networkers are around.

Ask more questions than you answer – it’s better to be interested.

Talk in terms of people's situations and priorities.

Talk about yourself in terms of the benefits that you bring, not just what you do. “I help people...” is good.

Remember people's names, don’t kid yourself that you can’t. If you don’t, it’s because you can’t be bothered.

Write where you met them and any other detail on their business card for future reference. Also write down when you have agreed to call them, and let them see you doing this.

Look for someone who is on their own before you move in on a group.

Remember little facts about people as you meet them; then you can introduce them to other people as if you were the host.

If you meet anyone who is rude, unfriendly or controlling, move on. You have people to meet that are worth meeting and life’s too short.

Thank your hosts before you leave and send a note of appreciation the next day.

Key Questions: Networking Who is in your network?

Who would you like to be in your network – how will you connect with them?

What do you have to offer people?

What support would you like from others?



Do you use on-line networking sites (e.g. LinkedIn, ZoomInfo)?

Which networking groups (e.g. professional associations) could you join?

Who do you know who is a good networker?

Checklist: Preventing and Resolving Conflict Implementing routine measures, such as regular team briefings, appraisals and maintaining an open and blame-free environment are all important in preventing conflicts arising. It is worth giving some thought to how you might pre-empt conflict arising from specific situations and how you will react if problems occur.

Influencing people and handling conflict has many advantages: it enables people to be led through changing or difficult times; it is essential for spreading common understanding and a sense of purpose; it helps to build enthusiasm, teamwork and motivation and it consistently gets the best from people.

It is worth seeing influencing skills through another perspective: namely, what it avoids. Several dangers can arise around leaders, often unwittingly. There is a risk of being overbearing, which can stifle innovation and reduce confidence. Another risk is, that leadership can lead to a cult of personality, usually to the detriment of the leader, the people they are leading and the task they are trying to accomplish. The final danger is that leaders that are too tough or ruthless will conflict with others, splitting teams and the organisation.

Resolving conflict is one of the most difficult, stressful and important aspects of successful leadership. If the conflict is personal, it is usually best to avoid getting too involved: your role as leader is to limit the effects on the organisation and make it clear to the parties involved that there is a job that needs to be done. Frequently, leaders (even experienced ones) fall into the trap of thinking that management is about making friends. This can happen when conflicts arise infrequently.

It is important to take time to think carefully about the situation before acting: it can be easy for you to undermine your own position, even inflame the conflict, by making the wrong move at the wrong time. The leader's role is to think about how best to restore fairness or common sense to the situation, meeting the needs of the task, the team and the individuals involved.

When conflict arises there are several approaches you can adopt. Inevitably, the best approach depends on the type and nature of the dispute and the task, the team and the individuals involved, as well as the background environment (for example, whether it is a regular conflict or the extent to which it is prompted by external factors). There is no single way of resolving or preventing conflicts,



although there are some common-sense approaches and tactics that are widely used by successful leaders.

The first step in preventing conflict is for the leader to communicate with people. By maintaining a regular dialogue, the leader will be able to spot conflicts and resentments building up. It will also help in other areas, such as deciding: how, when and to whom to delegate to; who to promote, and where further staff training and development is required.

You are probably not alone, and, however bitter the dispute has become, or threatens to become, there should be people around you who can act as a sounding board and with whom you can discuss the situation (this would usually need to be done in the strictest confidence).

Take charge early: decide what outcome you want and pursue it single-mindedly. This might mean no more than setting a time limit and waiting for the dispute to solve itself or it could mean getting much more involved and mediating. The extent of the leader's intervention depends on the complexity of the dispute and the depth of feeling involved. However, most disputes can usually be reduced to one or two key points that cause deadlock and animosity: break these quickly and amicably and the dispute could well disappear.

You should understand the full implications of the dispute – who is affected and what is affected, both by the problem and its solution. For example, will the outcome set an undesirable precedent? What signal will it give to others? Consider the longer-term picture, when resolving disputes, or you may be storing up problems for the future.

Before deciding what action to take, you should make sure that you understand the facts; the more heated and acrimonious the dispute, the more the truth can be distorted. Your approach should be based on the reality of the situation – focusing on the needs of the task, team and individual – rather than hearsay or speculation.

It can be easy to get drawn into a conflict or manipulated into taking sides. You should be aware of the pitfalls and decide early on how you will approach the dispute.

Above all, when handling conflict, you should remember that you are dealing with people and you need to be sure that you respect individuals' views and feelings. If you do not you could find that, although resolved, the conflict is only the first in a long line, borne of mistrust and resentment.

Is it overly aggressive? Is there an atmosphere of intense competition, rivalry or



blame? Is it conservative, hierarchical and closed to discussion? The leader may not be able to change the culture of the business, but a clear understanding makes it possible to make allowances and build the best team that suits the required goals.

If the leader can instil a sense of common purpose, this will certainly reduce the chances of conflict.

Making people aware of what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. This can be accomplished in a wide variety of ways, from the initial recruitment process through to the example that the leader sets – their way of working, treating people and approaching business situations. The leadership style, therefore, needs to match the tasks to be accomplished and the team that is being led. Clear, open communication and an open door policy are generally regarded as the best approaches to promote an effective, harmonious team. If people feel able to discuss situations then the leader is more likely to defuse potential problems.

Try to remain neutral, objective and constructive; it is vital to remain in control and confident. Letting each person express their grievances is a valuable means of getting the people involved to see the situation clearly, away from the emotion and stress that conflict usually brings. Listening and reflecting back the key issues can also help the people involved to deal with the problem, perhaps by encouraging them to explore possible solutions themselves or by deciding the best course of action yourself.

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A danger is that you will get too involved in the detail and complexity of the conflict, to the point that your authority and ability to resolve it is completely undermined. The parties to the conflict need to understand that they created it, it is their responsibility and they need to help resolve it: clear, regular, open communication is a good first step.

It may be that the problem could be resolved if each person understood the other person better. It may also be that there is no other alternative: they will have to get on so get them to realise the fact quickly.

If the difficulty is influenced or exacerbated by an outside cause, the best approach to take is to consider what action will remove or alleviate the problem.

When giving feedback, for example in a performance appraisal or project meeting, it is important to be aware of the need to manage reactions and handle disagreements.



The team member firmly disagrees

If the disagreement is over a point of fact, then the best approach is to put the issue to one side, check the facts and come back to the individual later. It may be that you have made a mistake and, if so, this should be admitted.

If the person disagrees with your views or approach then the best tack is to discover why they feel that way and what their concerns are and how they can be overcome?

The team member becomes emotional

Stay calm, listen and absorb the emotional outburst; if feasible, allow the person time to calm down and then continue. If this is not practical then end the meeting and agree to resume at another time. Remember that the outburst may be a tactic intended to manipulate you or to avoid an outcome that the individual does not like. Stay calm, but be firm and clear if you think that this might be the case.

The team member is too passive, disinterested or refuses to take the discussion seriously

Consider forcing the team member to summarise your points and criticisms and to give their own comments on them. If this does not draw them into the discussion then get tougher, with a question such as ‘Why are you not taking this seriously?’ or ‘What do you think will happen if this continues?’ Finally, it helps in extreme cases to be firmer, for example ‘Do you realise that unless you focus on these issues…’

The team member blames someone (or something) else for causing their problems

This may of course be justified and the leader should certainly consider this first. However, blame shifting often occurs when people receive negative feedback. The solution usually lies in fully exploring the problem and understanding the basic points.

The team member is uncommunicative or behaves out of character

Often, this is caused by a lingering fear, preoccupation or concern that the person has or misgivings about the discussion. The solution is to reassure them and encourage their response in a particular area. If this still fails then ask if they are concerned about something and explore any issues or concerns.



Checklist: Influencing Groups

The key to delivering a confident group presentation, whether it is formal or informal, is to take it in your stride and to view it as you would any other aspect of leadership. Before starting to prepare, it is worth remembering that no two presenters are the same, and the best advice is to be yourself: comfortable, confident and relaxed. There are several techniques to apply when communicating to a group.

With presentations, the little things can be important. For example, make sure: you are the best person to deliver the presentation; you understand the content; you have enough time to prepare, and you know what sort of presentation is expected. Be clear about exactly what the topic and purpose of your presentation is and how long it should last; find out whether there will be other speakers and where and when you will be expected to give the presentation.

You need to know what your audience is expecting – do they want to be informed, directed or given an opportunity to voice their own issues? How large will the audience be and what is their level and background?

When preparing your presentation, you should tailor it to meet the needs of your audience.

Define the purpose – is it to persuade, instruct, inspire and motivate, challenge or entertain? What is your message going to be?

Assemble, organise and structure your material. Make sure that you have a beginning, middle and an end, and see whether there are themes or analogies that appear regularly. You may wish to write your speech out on cue cards or use an autocue for major, formal presentations.

Prepare and refine your draft. Review your draft and refine it each time you run through it, preferably in front of someone. Feedback on content, style and delivery is crucial.

Decide on visual aids and any prompts. Aids need to be appropriate, simple, clear to understand and to flow from your natural style.

Rehearse. Watch out for any distracting mannerisms. Remember to smile and to pause for emphasis. It is worth anticipating likely questions.

Check the venue. Make sure you feel comfortable and relaxed.

Clarity is essential to maintain interest and ensure understanding.

Choose words that your audience will understand. Explain any unavoidable technical terms or jargon, if you think the audience will not understand them.

Choose words that emphasise your points and that will impact on the audience. Repetition can add emphasis to a point and alliteration adds impact.



Where appropriate, emotive words or phrases can appeal to the audience. This Forces people to react and think about what you are saying. Also, rhetorical questions make your audience think about the point.

Remember the 'rule of three' give three examples of your point in the same sentence. For example: journalists have to be hardworking, tenacious and trustworthy.

Use a variety of interesting words and good descriptions. Avoid repeating the same expressions.

Use connective words to help the talk flow and allow the audience to follow your argument (therefore, for example, on the other hand, consequently, in addition, furthermore, finally, in conclusion).

The way that you open and close your talk are important to success. They are worth spending time on, to get them right.

Openings set the tone and capture the audience's attention. The opening should make it clear what the talk is about and what you hope to achieve.

Closings leave the audience with a final impression. The closing should draw the main points together and impact on the audience.

Before delivering the presentation, check you are prepared:

Have you researched the topic thoroughly?

Is the talk interesting, informative and persuasive?

Is your talk well structured, clear and understandable?

Are you appealing directly to the audience, both in content and style of delivery?

Do you have a good opening and strong closing?

Use a tone and style appropriate to the audience, the topic and the aim of the talk. Silence can be a powerful weapon. Speakers can get extremely anxious over the slightest of pauses, talking rapidly and incoherently to avoid the silence. Only practice and confidence can overcome this obstacle. The most adept speakers use silence to hold the audience's attention: it forces them to focus on the speaker, keen to hear the next point. Other points to remember include:

Slow down. You know the topic: the audience needs time to absorb the points.

Speak clearly and distinctly; speak to the back of the audience.

Look at the audience and be confident: people want to listen to you.

Speak with expression. Stress points that are important and keep the tone of your voice appropriate to the subject matter.

Use moderate repetition to emphasise your point.

Remember to pause for emphasis and to let people reflect on the implications of your words.



Checklist: Influencing Individuals

When influencing people individually, a number of skills can be used; it is important to know what they are, when to use them and how to use them to best effect.

First among these skills is communicating, and this means you should stop talking, it is difficult to listen properly while you talk. Listening is the key to communicating and influencing, as it enables you to understand the other person, to empathise with them and to ensure that you can address their concerns.

Also important is empathy, try to put yourself in the other person's position. This will help in understanding and overcoming their concerns, while keeping their commitment and motivation to you and the task. This also means ‘speaking their language’ and getting your message across in terms they will understand and respond to.

Next, build trust and respect. People are more likely to do what is asked of them, if they feel that they have had an opportunity to contribute and voice their own views.

Focus on the results that you want to achieve, and have clear, precise objectives. This may require careful consideration and planning, possibly discussions with other colleagues. You may also need to give some thought to priorities: what should come first? Is the work just piling up on everyone? If this is the case then delegation may not be the solution. Always consider the importance and urgency of the task that you are delegating.

To delegate effectively, we need to be able to identify which of our daily tasks could be tackled by other people. The person who is required to do the job must understand it and have the personal skills and competence to tackle it, even if it is different, important and challenging.

The task, from purpose to fulfilment, should be talked through. Having allocated tasks, you need to agree targets, objectives, resources, review times and deadlines. (Objectives need to be SMART: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results Related (or Realistic) and Time Constrained.) Be sure to check understanding and gain explicit agreement to your plan.

Make sure that you provide all the necessary resources, the authority to complete the task and give all the necessary support. Define responsibilities clearly and be there to advise when appropriate. Always follow up your actions and plan how you will monitor and control events.

Delegation without control is abdication. This does not mean interfering when there



is no need, but control does mean checking progress at pre-planned and specified times. Control also involves verifying that things are on track. Monitoring and control ensures that the delegated task is completed successfully and that the desired results are achieved. The key to monitoring is to ensure that the person completing the task remains accountable.

Checking achievements against the original objectives does this best.

The right attitudes when delegating include:

Showing confidence and personal security by letting go.

Showing trust.

Being prepared to take risks and support mistakes.

Being patient.

Obtaining commitment.

Being task oriented.

Good delegators feel confident in their abilities and position in the organisation and have a positive attitude about delegating. Delegating is viewed as a way of preparing team members to be future managers. Good, confident delegators view it as a means of achieving their own, and the company's, goals. This confidence is necessary because it will help you to have the courage to let someone else perform a task that you would normally do, while still accepting full responsibility for the results.

Often, leaders, particularly if they are inexperienced, see charisma as being the defining skill of leadership and they brandish it, more or less effectively, all of the time. The problem here is that charisma is frequently ineffective or inappropriate: it often dominates people and it creates a reliance on the leader, instead of breeding initiative. Developing an involved, committed and ultimately successful workforce needs empowering leadership, which requires:

A belief in constant learning rather than assumed mastery.

The development of high self-esteem in others.

A willingness to ask questions, admit weaknesses and listen to answers.

Strong interpersonal skills, including an appreciation of other people and sensitivity to individuals.

An ability to engender trust, build relationships and to inspire and trust others.

The ability and desire to develop leadership in others.

The capacity to handle criticism by listening and drawing out people’s concerns.

A capacity to develop an effective vision of the future.

An approach that possesses, values and nurtures innovation and initiative.

The ability to communicate well at every level.

Integrity and trustworthiness.

Mentoring, coaching and counselling skills.



Checklist: Understanding Behaviour

Behaviour is everything we do and everything we say. Influencing, whether you’re giving feedback or selling a product or idea, requires an understanding of how your behaviour affects others.

It is useful to consider the behaviour of yourself and others, in terms of warmth or coldness, dominance or submissiveness. These characteristics underpin four leadership behaviours: aggressive, assertive, avoiding or appeasing.

Warm. This means being supportive, open, positive, empathic, constructive and engaging, not simply friendly.

Dominant. This means being challenging, in control, confident, strong, authoritative and direct.

Assertive. This means influencing people and combining appropriate levels of challenge and support.

Different types of behaviour are displayed both by the leader and the person they are working with. It is the role of the leader to recognise the individual’s behaviour and modifying their own behaviour to reach agreement.

The diagram below (the assertiveness model) is based on the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and highlights different types of behaviour.



Every leader has their own personality, the result both of nature and nurture, and this remains largely unchanged. However, behaviour is different: it is flexible and capable of being developed and enhanced.

Aggressive individuals are often argumentative, unreasonable and hostile. Their aggression tends to result from too much dominance and too little warmth or support. Consequently, they always seem to know best and typically demonstrate defiance, competitiveness, hostility and sarcasm.

The best approach involves:

increasing your dominance levels to match their high dominance levels.

ensuring that your behaviour is assertive and warm rather than aggressive.

using open questions to generate understanding.

using body language and tone of voice to increase dominance levels.

When dealing with aggressive behaviour, you may also want to consider ‘taking the lid off the pot’ – challenging and confronting the reasons behind the behaviour, with clear examples.

This simple approach is invaluable during appraisals, enabling leaders to influence people (especially if they are being aggressive). The advantages are that it balances warmth with dominance and challenge with support.

First, start by acknowledging the question, enquiry or statement, the questioner and their opinion. This should be done in a way that minimises defensiveness. When acknowledging, it is useful to recognise the strength of feeling while also thinking about the issue. At this stage, this means neither agreeing nor disagreeing. For example, explicitly recognise the other person’s strength of feeling (‘I can see this is important to you… clearly you have strong feelings’).

The next step is to ask – questioning the other person so that you probe, explore and fully understand their question, issues and reasoning behind their decision or point of view.

‘Asking’ ensures that you understand the other person’s motivations, adjusting your behaviour appropriately without simply accepting an issue at face value.

Once you have acknowledged the situation and taken time to explore and fully understand the situation, answer the question if you can, or set out a process for answering the question.



People that display an avoiding style are cold and submissive. They tend to be suspicious, uninvolved, indifferent, tense, hard to read, withdrawn and pessimistic. They may also show signs of being calculating.

The first priority is to get people engaged. Useful techniques include:

displaying lower dominance and higher warmth.

using open questions aimed at making them feel secure.

softening body language and intonation but keep smiling.

Appeasing behaviour is also ineffective. Individuals displaying this behaviour tend to be overly friendly and inclined to ramble. They are often too agreeable, making big promises, being optimistic and dodging confrontation.

When working with appeasing individuals, the first priority is to commercialise the discussion. There are several techniques to help you achieve this and deal effectively with warm and submissive behaviour:

stay focused to keep them on track.

use open questions that appeal to their social needs but temper these with closed questions when they waffle. Closed questions are useful for controlling social interaction.

ask summary questions to maintain clarity and focus.

use their name if you’re interrupting.

You should aim to have both your behaviour and that of the person you are influencing in the assertive quadrant. When dealing with warm and dominant behaviour your dominance and warmth will appropriately match. Also, open and closed questions will ensure progress and focus, allowing for clear, productive communication.

Consider how easy it is to warm up behaviour: why and when is it not easy? Why do we, as individuals, not behave in an assertive manner? What is it that hinders supportive and challenging behaviour? Finally, what are the most important questions for you to ask?



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Building Business Relationships 1 · 2013. 9. 18. · Building Business Relationships 7 the skill to seek out and establish professional relationships with interesting, like-minded