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By Todd Wallinger
© Copyright 2017, by Todd Wallinger
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.
All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.
All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TODD WALLINGER to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267.
These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.
ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.
COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.
On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:
1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with
Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”
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TROUBLE IN PARADISE JUNCTION
By TODD WALLINGER
CAST OF CHARACTERS# of lines
TownsfolkJOE GOODE ........................easy-going owner of the 194
Rise ’n’ Shine Diner and part-time philosopher; our narrator
EDNA HOCHELMEIER ...........Ernie’s giddy and excitable 32 wife and head of the Women’s Arts League
GERTIE DALRYMPLE ............sensible doctor and chief 32 judge for the pie-baking contest
FRED MENDELBAUM ...........opinionated grocer 30ERNIE HOCHELMEIER ..........mailman and president of the 51
Town Council; stickler for the rulesCINDY ................................young teen 5BIG FINN.............................cop with a big heart 18LOTTE LARUE ......................pretentious owner of the 20
town’s dance studioCHARLIE RUCKUS ...............town grump 16MISS CROTCHET .................know-it-all schoolteacher 31MAYOR FLO .........................mayor of Paradise Junction; 29
would rather be fishingMARTHA McGILLICUDDY ......Horace’s snobby wife and head 37
of the Ladies’ Culture CommitteeARABELLA McGILLICUDDY ....teenage daughter of Horace 7
and Martha; groomed for stardomWILBUR HOCHELMEIER .......gawky teenage son of Ernie 20
and Edna; has a crush on ArabellaHORACE McGILLICUDDY ......richest and most pompous 44
man in townPOLLY DAY ..........................ambitious newspaper reporter 23
and Joe’s sweetheartSAM ...................................lackadaisical auto mechanic 28SAL ....................................another 27VELMA PILCHER ..................Mayor’s ridiculously efficient 28
secretary
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TV CrewTINA POWERS .....................cynical and hard-driving TV 46
producer from the big cityWINK SMILEY ......................slick, fast-talking host of 100
Paradise LostNORA DAVIES ......................camera operator for Paradise 51
Lost; actually has a conscienceOthersTOURIST MOM ....................obnoxious tourist 8TOURIST DAD ......................another 8TOURIST GIRL .....................another 6EXTRA TOURISTS.................as needed
SETTINGTime: The present.
Place: Many locations in the idyllic little town called Paradise Junction.
Each location is represented by minimal set pieces that can be moved on and off quickly.
Town Square has a fountain with park benches. Trees can be used to help set the scene.
The Rise ’n’ Shine Diner includes a counter, a few stools, and an oven.
The Mayor’s office includes a desk and an office chair.
S&S Auto Repair Shop has a sign spelling out the name of the shop. Two lawn chairs sit in front of it.
Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts takes place on a bare stage. A barre can help set the scene, if desired.
The Hochelmeiers’ home has a kitchen table and chairs.
McGillicuddy Mart has a sales counter.
Wink’s dressing room has a dressing table and chair.
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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT ONEScene One: Town Square, one nearly perfect day.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day.
Scene Three: S&S Auto Repair Shop, the next day.
Scene Four: Mayor’s office, a short time later.
Scene Five: Town Square, the next morning.
Scene Six: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, immediately after.
Scene Seven: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts, a few days later.
Scene Eight: The Hochelmeiers’, early the next morning.
Scene Nine: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, a week later.
Scene Ten: Town Square, the next day.
ACT TWOScene One: Town Square, a few weeks later.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day.
Scene Three: Mayor’s office, a short time later.
Scene Four: McGillicuddy Mart, a short time later.
Scene Five: Wink’s dressing room, a short time later.
Scene Six: Town Square, immediately after.
Scene Five:Makeup kit (WINK)
Scene Six:TV camera (NORA)Newspaper (WILBUR)Bouquet (POLLY)Net with fish (MAYOR FLO)
COSTUMESAlthough the play takes place in the present, Paradise Junction is a little behind the times, so clothes should have an old-fashioned, country feel. What you shouldn’t do is dress the characters like hillbillies. You might want to individualize some of the characters with costume items reflecting their occupations or interests, but be careful; these are real people, not caricatures.
Specifically, at the end of the play, POLLY wears a wedding dress. MARTHA wears a bathrobe during the pre-recorded scene.
PRE-RECORDED TELEVISION SCENEThe action in ACT ONE, Scene Nine takes place in two locations at the same time: inside the diner and on TV. The action on the TV should be pre-recorded and edited to fit with the live action.
Alternatively, place the TV DOWNSTAGE facing UPSTAGE so that the audience cannot see the screen. In this case, only the audio is then needed as a pre-recorded voiceover.
If creating a pre-recorded video, the lines of dialogue that take place in the McGillicuddys’ kitchen should look identical to the same lines performed in ACT ONE, Scene Eight. Of course, in the video, they are now presented in a different order to misconstrue their meaning. Exterior shots of the town and houses can be taken in an actual neighborhood. The doorway scene between Joe and Martha and the shots of Wink can either be shot on the stage set or in front of an actual house.
FLEXIBLE CASTINGFor a smaller cast, the roles of SAM, SAL, and VELMA, as well as TOURIST MOM, TOURIST DAD, and TOURIST GIRL, can be doubled. In addition, several scenes involve large groups of townsfolk. Feel free to reassign lines as needed since it is not always critical which character says which lines. Just make sure the lines fit each character’s personality.
For a larger cast, EXTRA TOWNSFOLK and TOURISTS can be added. Again, feel free to reassign lines to these characters.
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TROUBLE IN PARADISE JUNCTION
ACT ONEScene One
AT RISE: Paradise Junction Town Square, one nearly perfect day. JOE ENTERS LEFT and crosses DOWN CENTER to address the AUDIENCE.JOE: Welcome to Paradise Junction, the best little town in the world!
We’ve got a saying around here. “If things seem too good to be true, then you must be in Paradise Junction.” Oh, it’s not perfect, not by any means. It just seems like everything works out a little bit better here. (EDNA ENTERS RIGHT. GERTIE ENTERS LEFT.) It’s the kind of place where the weather is always fine.
EDNA: Good morning, Gertie.GERTIE: Good morning, Edna. Beautiful day, ain’t it?EDNA: All day, every day.GERTIE: Did you get any of that rain last night?EDNA: Sure did. Left our car sparkling like it was brand new.GERTIE: Only in Paradise Junction! (EXITS RIGHT. EDNA EXITS LEFT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s the kind of place where every thumb is green.
(FRED ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a bushel basket filled with red beach balls. ERNIE ENTERS LEFT.)
ERNIE: Where you going, Fred? To the beach?FRED: What? Oh, no. These aren’t beach balls, Ernie. These are my
tomatoes.ERNIE: Tomatoes, huh? What did you feed them?FRED: Nothing. I just dumped the cat’s litter box out the back door
last night, and in the morning, I found these.ERNIE: Only in Paradise Junction! (EXITS RIGHT. FRED EXITS LEFT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s the kind of place where everybody’s willing to
lend a hand, even if they each have their own way of doing it.CINDY: (Runs ON LEFT and points OFF LEFT.) Officer Finn! Officer Finn!
Mr. Whiskers is stuck in a tree! (BIG FINN, GERTIE, ERNIE, LOTTE, and CHARLIE ENTER RIGHT while EDNA, FRED, MISS CROTCHET, and MAYOR FLO ENTER LEFT, talking excitedly amongst themselves.)
BIG FINN: Hold on, Cindy. I’ll go get the fire truck. The ladder should be able to reach him.
LOTTE: You can’t use the ladder, Big Finn. Don’t you remember last time? You almost scared the poor thing to death.
CHARLIE: I say we cut the tree down. That thing’s been waiting to fall and crush us all to death.
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON
ACT ONEScene One:
Bushel basket with red beach balls (FRED)Cat (WILBUR)
Scene Two:Checkbook, pen (HORACE)Notebook, pen (POLLY)
Scene Four:Fishing rod (MAYOR FLO)Document (VELMA)Plate of pie, fork (JOE)Contract (TINA)Notebook, pen (POLLY)
Scene Five:Newspaper (MISS CROTCHET)
Scene Six:Towel (JOE)Newspaper (MISS CROTCHET)Contract (HORACE)
Scene Seven:Two spoons (WILBUR)Cigarette lighter (MARTHA)Two batons (ARABELLA)TV camera (NORA)
Scene Eight:TV camera (NORA)
Scene Nine:TV (FRED, ERNIE)
Scene Ten:Pies (TOWNFOLK)TV camera (NORA)
ACT TWOScene One:
Phones, cameras (TOURIST FAMILY)Phone (MISS CROTCHET)Phone (LOTTE)Phone, cat (CINDY)
Scene Four:Pen, paper (JOE)
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MISS CROTCHET: Oh, no, Mr. Ruckus! We can’t cut down the tree. The town charter was signed under that tree. (MARTHA and ARABELLA ENTER RIGHT and join the hubbub. The TOWNSFOLK are so busy chattering they don’t see WILBUR ENTER LEFT, a cat nestled in his arms.)
MARTHA: Look, Arabella! A crowd! Now stand up straight and smile. You never know when the paparazzi will show up.
GERTIE: I could use my hot air balloon.MISS CROTCHET: Sure, but once you get up that high, how will you
grab the cat?MAYOR FLO: You could grab him with my fishing net!ERNIE: What if the balloon floats away?FRED: We’ll have to tie it to something heavy.BIG FINN: See! I knew the fire truck would come in handy!CINDY: (Notices WILBUR with the cat.) Oh, thank you, Wilbur! (Takes
the cat, relieved.)BIG FINN: Wait a minute, Cindy. Is that Mr. Whiskers?CINDY: It sure is.BIG FINN: Good job, Wilbur. How did you get him down?WILBUR: I didn’t. He got so tired of everybody arguing, I think he
decided to come down on his own.TOWNSFOLK: Only in Paradise Junction! (TOWNSFOLK continue talking
as they EXIT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) How did we get this way? Well, it all started 150
years ago, when Jedediah Hornblower founded the town. He took out advertisements in all the big Eastern newspapers. “Get rich quick,” they said. “The streets of Paradise Junction are paved with gold.” Folks streamed in from all over, hoping to strike it rich. The only problem? There was no gold, and that made people mad. In fact, they got so mad, they ran Jedediah out of his own town. Most of the people left after that. But the few that stayed looked around them, and they liked what they saw. No, the streets weren’t paved with gold, but when the sun came over Mount Paradise each morning, it almost looked like they were. And Paradise Creek may not have been made of silver, but when you knelt down and took a big long swig from it, you felt like the world was a treasure box. Yep, people were pretty happy here. At least, they were before the TV folks came… (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGE
ACT ONE
Scene One: Town Square set consisting of park benches, fountain, optional trees.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set consisting of stools, counter, oven, landline phone. Also piece of pie on plate, fork, recipe card, doughnuts.
Scene Three: S&S Auto Repair Shop set consisting of two lawn chairs, shop sign.
Scene Four: Mayor’s office set consisting of desk, office chair, pen, fishing rodsoil can.
Scene Five: Town Square set.
Scene Six: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set, piece of pie on plate, ladle, pot.
Scene Seven: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts set consisting of an optional barre.
Scene Eight: The Hochelmeiers’ set consisting of kitchen table, chairs, pancakes, plates, and silverware.
Scene Nine: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set.
Scene Ten: Town Square set, table with trophy, fork, banner that reads “Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest.”
ACT TWO
Scene One: Town Square set, two lawn chairs.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set, pie, plate, fork, can of whipped cream, burnt pie, potholder.
Scene Three: Mayor’s office set, contract.
Scene Four: McGillicuddy Mart set consisting of a sales counter, T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee cups.
Scene Five: Wink’s dressing room set consisting of dressing table, chair.
Scene Six: Town Square set, shovels.
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ACT ONEScene Two
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day. HORACE sits at the counter eating a piece of pie. JOE watches him from behind the counter.JOE: What do you think of the pie, Horace? Horace?HORACE: (Polishes off the pie, enraptured.) You’ve got magic in that
oven, Joe.JOE: There’s nothing magic about it. You’ve just got to pay attention.HORACE: (Pulls out his checkbook and pen.) How much do you want?JOE: For the pie?HORACE: For the recipe. Five thousand dollars? Ten thousand?JOE: I don’t want your money.HORACE: Twenty thousand dollars, and that’s my final offer.JOE: Why do you want the recipe so bad?HORACE: Martha has entered the pie-baking contest every year for the
last three years, and she’s come home brokenhearted every time.JOE: And you want her to win?HORACE: No. I’m the one who has to eat those pies. I want them to
stop tasting like they were scraped from the bottom of a garbage bin. Have you ever tried her onion pie?
JOE: Is that what was in there?HORACE: Yeah. She said she wanted to give it some bite.JOE: Look, if it means that much to you, I’ll just give you the recipe.
(Hands him a recipe card.)HORACE: You’re a fool, Joe. I could have made you a rich man.JOE: What do you mean? I’m already rich.HORACE: You? Rich?JOE: Why, sure. The sun’s shining, the trees are blooming, and I’ve
got another pie just like that one about to come out of the oven. What more could I possibly want? (POLLY ENTERS DOWN LEFT with a notebook and pen.)
HORACE: (Eyes POLLY.) I can think of one thing.JOE: You keep quiet now. (To POLLY.) Morning, Polly. Would you like to
try a piece of my special huckleberry pie?POLLY: Not today, Joe. I’m making my rounds for The Gazette. I don’t
suppose there’s been any big news since yesterday?JOE: Oh, yeah. Haven’t you heard? The Hochelmeiers got broken into
last night.
JOE: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE to address the AUDIENCE.) Well, as you probably figured, everything turned out all right in the end. People gave up their fancy Hollywood ways and went back to doing the jobs they were supposed to do. The sickness that everybody was suffering from seemed to go away on its own. And wouldn’t you know it? My oven started working again, just like that. In fact, things are so good, Nora decided to stay and open the town’s first photography studio. Oh, she’s not making as much money now as she once was, but she’s happy. In fact, we all are. You know, old Jedediah Hornblower was right. Our streets really are paved with gold. Our walls and our floorboards, too. And if that seems too good to be true, well…
TOWNSFOLK: …you must be in Paradise Junction! (CURTAIN.)END OF PLAY
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POLLY: (Opens her notebook.) Really? What happened?JOE: You know how soundly Ernie sleeps, right? Well, last night around
three a.m., he was yanked out of dreamland by a deafening crash in the kitchen.
POLLY: (Scribbles furiously.) Go on.JOE: He grabbed his shotgun, and he went to confront the intruder. His
hands were shaking, and his knees were knocking. It must have taken him fifteen minutes to get down the stairs. When he did, well, the kitchen was a disaster. Chairs were knocked over. Pots and pans were scattered everywhere. And then he saw it.
POLLY: What?JOE: A huge shadow, just past the table. He raised his shotgun, and he
crept quietly towards it, keeping a steady finger on the trigger. Then, without a lick of fear, the intruder poked his head above the table.
POLLY: Oh, my gosh! Who was it?JOE: Goliath.POLLY: Goliath?! Ernie’s rooster?JOE: That’s right.POLLY: (Shuts her notebook.) I should have known better than to come
here looking for news.JOE: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve always heard that no news is good news.POLLY: Not for a reporter like me, Joe. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve
dreamed of working for a big-city newspaper. The tap-tap-tap of the typewriters. The roar of the giant presses. I keep applying for jobs, but no one will give me a chance. And do you know why?
JOE: No.POLLY: Because all I ever write about is pie-baking contests and
renegade roosters.JOE: Forget the big city, Polly. Stay here and marry me. (POLLY bursts
out laughing.) What’s so funny?POLLY: You’ve asked me that in January, February, March, and now
April. And each time, I’ve said no. When are you going to give up?JOE: I don’t know. What month comes after never?POLLY: And besides, a girl’s not likely to say yes until she sees what
kind of a ring she’s getting.JOE: You want a ring? I’ll give you a ring. (Grabs a doughnut, kneels,
and places it on her finger.)POLLY: (Gazes wistfully at it for a moment, then comes to her senses,
yanks it off, and drops it on the counter.) Look, Joe, you know I love you, but let’s face facts. There’s no way you’re ever going to leave
HORACE: No. You were right. I’m not a good person. It’s my fault the TV people came. I never should have forged the mayor’s signature on that contract.
JOE: Well, Polly made you do it.HORACE: No, Polly had nothing to do with it. It was all my idea.JOE: But Mr. Smiley said—HORACE: Mr. Smiley? The guy who said the show would be called
Paradise on Earth? The guy who said he’d tell the world about our wonderful little town? That Mr. Smiley?
JOE: Gee, Horace. I guess you’re right. I’ve got to get better about who I believe and who I don’t. (Realizes.) Uh-oh.
HORACE: What’s the matter?JOE: Excuse me, Horace. I’ve got to call Polly! (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)POLLY: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a wedding dress and holding a
bouquet.) You called?JOE: Polly! What are you doing here?POLLY: Now, Joe, I can’t believe you’d forget a thing like that. Didn’t
I promise I’d stay in Paradise Junction if the town made the front page of the New York Times?
JOE: Why didn’t you ever call?POLLY: Sorry about that. I must have picked up the phone a hundred
times, but I never knew what to say.JOE: That’s funny. I never knew either.POLLY: Do you still want to marry me?JOE: I suppose I have to. Now.POLLY: What do you mean you have to?JOE: Just that it would be a shame to waste a perfectly good dress.
(POLLY smacks JOE with the bouquet. MAYOR FLO ENTERS LEFT with a net full of fish.) Mayor Flo! You’re back!
MAYOR FLO: I sure am.JOE: How was the trip?MAYOR FLO: It was a kind of miracle, Joe. Why, I caught so many
fish I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Did I miss anything while I was gone?
JOE: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.MAYOR FLO: Try me.JOE: Polly and I are getting hitched.MAYOR FLO: You’re right. I don’t believe it! (The TOWNSFOLK ENTER
RIGHT and LEFT, talking excitedly.)
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Paradise Junction, and I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life in this one-horse town.
JOE: Didn’t you hear? We’re not a one-horse town anymore. Mr. Pinkley’s mare had twins.
POLLY: You know what I mean.JOE: Come on, Polly. There’s got to be something that would convince
you to stay here and marry me.POLLY: Sure, Joe. If Paradise Junction made the front page of the New
York Times, then I’d know the town had arrived. Well, goodbye, Joe. Goodbye, Mr. McGillicuddy.
HORACE: Goodbye, Polly. (POLLY EXITS DOWN LEFT.)JOE: Hallelujah!HORACE: What’s gotten into you?JOE: Didn’t you hear? I’ve got a wedding to plan.HORACE: Now, hold on a minute, Joe. You’ve got to get Paradise
Junction on the front page of the New York Times first.JOE: And that’s what I’m going to do.HORACE: Oh, yeah? How?JOE: I don’t want to get bogged down in the details. I’m more of a
big-picture guy.HORACE: Uh-huh. Well, when the story comes out, save a copy for
me, would you?JOE: Will do, Horace. (HORACE EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yahoo! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Two
ACT ONEScene Three
LIGHTS UP: S&S Auto Repair Shop, the next day. SAM and SAL lounge in lawn chairs.TINA: (Stumbles IN RIGHT.) Oh, great! My heel broke. Could this day
possibly get any worse?SAM: Can we help you?TINA: Yes. My Lamborghini died about a mile down the road.SAM: What do you want us to do about it?TINA: I want you to fix it.SAM: You mean, like, with a screwdriver?TINA: Screwdriver, monkey wrench, mallet. Whatever it takes.SAL: (To SAM.) I told you people would get confused by our sign.TINA: You mean you don’t repair cars?SAM: That depends on what you mean by repair.
the worst host in the history of television. You ruined my show! My brilliant, brilliant show!
WINK: Well, it’s your fault! Who else would come up with a reality show about the world’s most boring town?
TINA: It wouldn’t have been boring if you’d done your job!WINK: I did my job! It’s these stupid country folk who didn’t do theirs!TINA: Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore. You’re fired!WINK: You can’t fire me!TINA: Oh, yeah? Why not?WINK: Because if you do, I’ll tell everyone about the forgery.TINA: You wouldn’t dare! That would mean jail for both of us! (Realizes
that the camera is still running and turns to NORA.) I thought I told you to turn that thing off.
NORA: Oops.WINK: Uh-oh! (Makes his escape OFF RIGHT.)TINA: (To the camera. Laughs awkwardly.) I didn’t mean what I just
said. I was making it up. You know, for dramatic purposes. Isn’t that right, Wink? Isn’t that right? (Realizes Wink is gone.) Wink! (Starts to run OFF RIGHT. BIG FINN ENTERS RIGHT. He has WINK by one hand and seizes TINA with the other.) Let me go! Let me go! Don’t you know who I am?
BIG FINN: Oh, I know exactly who you are. And if you promise never to step foot in this town again, I might just choose to forget.
TINA: (Breaks free.) Believe me, I won’t come within a hundred miles of this place.
WINK: (Breaks free.) I won’t come within two hundred miles.TINA: Three hundred miles!WINK: Four hundred miles! (EXITS RIGHT with TINA, bickering the whole
way. Shaking his head, BIG FINN follows them OFF RIGHT.)NORA: (Points the camera at herself.) Well, folks, that’s our show for
tonight. Tune in again next time for— No, wait. Don’t bother tuning in at all. Something tells me this show is about to be cancelled. (Turns off the camera and EXITS RIGHT, leaving the stage empty except for the pile of shovels. JOE wanders IN LEFT. He looks down at the shovels and smiles.)
HORACE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Joe! You’re still here!JOE: What’s up, Horace?HORACE: I’ve given a lot of thought to what you said. You know, when
you told me off at the store?JOE: Forget about it. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have.
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TINA: I mean get them running again.SAM: Well then, no.TINA: Wonderful.SAL: It’s not that we don’t want to.SAM: It’s just that we don’t know how.SAL: This is Paradise Junction. Nothing ever breaks around here.TINA: Well, is there anything you can do?SAM: Sure. We could slap some paint on it for you.SAL: Yeah. Red will make it look real fast.TINA: Listen, you melon heads. I don’t want my car to look fast. I want
it to go fast.SAM: Yeah, well, it don’t look like that’s going to happen, does it?TINA: I don’t believe this! I’m supposed to be on my way to New York
City for the most important meeting of my career, and instead I’m stranded in Mayberry R.F.D.
SAM: What are them letters? You some kind of secret agent?TINA: No. I’m a TV producer, and I’m supposed to come up with a new
reality show by five o’clock today.SAM: Reality show? Ain’t that one of them oxygen morons? Like
civil war?SAL: Or jumbo shrimp?TINA: I’ll have you know our network has a strict policy about accuracy
in our shows. We check every fact twice before we ignore it.SAL: (To SAM.) I like her. She talks funny.TINA: Hold on. Did you say nothing ever breaks around here?SAM: That’s right. And no one ever gets sick.SAL: Unless you eat one of Mrs. McGillicuddy’s pies.TINA: That seems too good to be true.SAM: Hey, that’s our town slogan.SAL: If things seem too good to be true…SAM/SAL: …then you must be in Paradise Junction!TINA: You know, I just had an epiphany.SAL: Don’t worry. Doctor Gertie can take care of that.TINA: No, I mean I had an idea. If someone wanted to produce a TV
show here, who would they talk to?SAM: A TV show, huh? I guess they’d talk to Mayor Flo.SAL: But they’d better hurry. She’s leaving for her fishing trip tomorrow.TINA: Where’s her office?
(WILBUR steps forward.) Ah, here’s a resourceful young lad. I’ll bet you find the first one.
WILBUR: I don’t want the money. (Sets his shovel on the ground.)WINK: What?!WILBUR: I said I don’t want the money. I want the town to be like it
used to be.ARABELLA: (Swoons.) Oh, Wilbur!WINK: Are you crazy?FRED: If he’s crazy, then I guess I am too. (Sets his shovel next to
WILBUR’S.)MARTHA: You know, Arabella never did get a Hollywood contract.
(Adds her shovel to the pile.)ARABELLA: And now that I’ve seen what Hollywood people are like, I
don’t think I want one. (Adds her shovel to the pile.)WILBUR: Come on, Arabella. Let’s go. (Takes ARABELLA’S hand.)MARTHA: Arabella!EDNA: (Adds her shovel to the pile.) Let them go. It’ll give us a chance
to talk.MARTHA: Good idea. Do you know anything about making pies?EDNA: Well, I almost won this year’s pie-baking contest. (WILBUR and
ARABELLA EXIT RIGHT. FRED, MARTHA and EDNA follow OFF RIGHT.)WINK: What’s wrong with you people? I said I hid five million dollars
in the town! Don’t you want it? (One by one, the rest of the TOWNSFOLK come forward to set their shovels on the pile. WINK turns to the camera and smiles. Laughs.) It looks like we’re having some technical difficulties. Excuse me a minute while I see what I can do. (Runs frantically around trying to stop the TOWNSFOLK, but they just step around him and set their shovels on the pile.) What are you doing? This isn’t normal! This isn’t right! People don’t just turn down five million dollars! They’re supposed to scratch and claw and fight each other for it! (Ignoring him, the TOWNSFOLK EXIT RIGHT and LEFT.) Stop! Don’t go! I’ll tell you where the gold is! It’s right here! Or wait! Maybe it’s over here!
TINA: (Marches over to WINK. NORA follows with the camera.) What are you doing?
WINK: (Laughs awkwardly.) Nothing, Tina. I’ve got everything under control.
TINA: You call this under control? This is a disaster! (To NORA.) Turn the camera off. (NORA steps back, but she keeps the camera running. WINK and TINA are too busy arguing to notice.) Look, Wink. I’ve had doubts about you before, but now I know for sure. You are
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SAM: City Hall. It’s in Town Square, just one block past Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts.
TINA: Thanks. You’re a lifesaver. (EXITS RIGHT.)SAL: I still say we ought to change our sign.SAM: Yeah, but then we’d have to get out of these chairs.SAL: You’re right. It’s not worth it. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Three
ACT ONEScene Four
LIGHTS UP: The Mayor’s office, a short time later. MAYOR FLO practices casting her fishing rod.VELMA: (Bustles IN DOWN RIGHT with a document.) One more for you
to sign, Mayor Flo.MAYOR FLO: Velma, can’t it wait until after my fishing trip?VELMA: Not this time, Mayor. Horace McGillicuddy is pretty adamant.MAYOR FLO: (Takes the document, reluctant.) A proclamation to name
May “Arabella McGillicuddy Month”?VELMA: She just won the Miss Paradise Junction Contest.MAYOR FLO: She was the only contestant. For the third year in a row.VELMA: Would it kill you to let her have her day in the sun? After all,
Horace has contributed a great deal of money to this town.MAYOR FLO: I know, and I’m grateful. But his money always seems to
come with strings attached. Take the park he built.VELMA: Horace McGillicuddy Park?MAYOR FLO: Yes. It’s nice having a place for kids to play, but did he
have to plaster advertisements for his store over every square inch of the playground?
VELMA: I’m sure he just wants to get an edge on the competition.MAYOR FLO: What competition? He’s got the only store in town.VELMA: Look, if you don’t sign this now, Horace will track you down
wherever you’re going and make you sign it himself.MAYOR FLO: I suppose you’re right. (Signs the document.) Now, if you
don’t mind, I’m going to go drown some worms.VELMA: Is there a number I can reach you at?MAYOR FLO: Not if I can help it. (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Uh-oh. It’s Joe.VELMA: I thought you liked Joe.MAYOR FLO: Everybody likes Joe. That’s not the problem. The problem
is he’s liable to talk my ear off, and then I’ll never get to the lake.VELMA: Duck behind the desk, Mayor. I’ll get rid of him.
WINK: Can you read a little faster?MARTHA: Bag it, Mr. Smiley!WILBUR: (Reads.) “If, like the rest of the country, you’ve become
a rabid fan of Paradise Lost, then you probably think you know everything there is to know about the town where it’s filmed. The people are petty and vindictive. Ignorance runs rampant. Greed has spread like a disease to every corner of the town. And I wouldn’t blame you. After all, that’s what the network wants you to think. But that’s not the Paradise Junction I knew. I grew up in that little town, and to me, it was the best little place on earth. It was a place where the weather was always perfect and the tomatoes grew as big as beach balls. A place where no one ever got sick and every pie was a little slice of heaven. People used to say there was something in the air or maybe the soil that made things that way. A little bit of magic, perhaps, that made everything fine. But the magic wasn’t in the air or the soil. It was in our hearts. We cared for each other. We looked out for each other. And no matter how we were feeling, we always had a smile and a friendly word for everyone we met. Somehow, though, we lost those things. We forgot how good and pure and strong those things could be. But perhaps it’s not too late. Perhaps if we looked inside our hearts, we could find those things again.”
WINK: Well, doesn’t that just warm the soul? Now, let’s all take our places, shall we? We’re about to go on the air.
NORA: In five. Four. Three. Two. One!WINK: (To the camera.) Welcome back to Paradise Lost. As I mentioned
before the break, this is a big night for Paradise Junction. Perhaps the biggest one they’ve ever had. You see, when we first came to this town a couple of months ago, we offered them five million dollars for the rights to film here. Well, tonight is the night they get that money.
CHARLIE: It’s about time!GERTIE: Where is it?WINK: That’s the exciting part. The money is all around you.EDNA: All around us?MARTHA: I don’t see it.WINK: You’re not supposed to see it. That’s because we’ve hidden five
gold bars throughout the town—gold bars that are worth a million dollars each. They could be anywhere. Right here under the street. Behind your kitchen cabinets. Inside your neighbor’s floorboards. All you have to do is look. (The TOWNSFOLK don’t move. They look at each other, not sure what to do.) I said, all you have to do is look!
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MAYOR FLO: You’re a peach, Velma. (Hides behind the desk. JOE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with a plate of pie and a fork.)
JOE: Hi, Velma. Can I speak with Mayor Flo?VELMA: Sorry, Joe. She just left for her fishing trip.JOE: That’s too bad. I brought her a piece of my huckleberry pie. I
know it’s her favorite. (Sits on the desk, holding the pie just inches from where MAYOR FLO is hiding. MAYOR FLO swoons from the delicious aroma.)
VELMA: Just leave it here. She can enjoy it when she comes back.JOE: But it’s still warm and fresh and gooey inside. (Waves the plate
around as though tempting MAYOR FLO to come out of hiding.)MAYOR FLO: (Jumps to her feet, unable to restrain herself.) Give it
here! (Grabs the plate and shovels the pie into her mouth.)JOE: (Laughs.) Hey, Mayor Flo. I thought you weren’t leaving until tomorrow.MAYOR FLO: I just got a hot tip. The catfish are biting something fierce.JOE: Oh, yeah. Where?MAYOR FLO: Now, Joe, you know there isn’t enough money in the
world to make me give away my secret fishing hole.JOE: Can’t blame a guy for trying.MAYOR FLO: Say, you didn’t come here just to bring me this pie,
did you?JOE: No. I wanted to talk to you about your nephew.MAYOR FLO: My nephew?JOE: Yeah. Didn’t you say he’s an editor for the Times?MAYOR FLO: No. I said he was an editor for a time.JOE: Oh. I guess that’s different then.MAYOR FLO: Why do you want to know?JOE: I was just thinking how nice it would be if we could get Paradise
Junction in the newspapers. You know, boost our town’s image. (MAYOR FLO bursts out laughing.) What are you laughing at?
MAYOR FLO: Joe, you’re the last person in the world to be concerned about our town’s image. Aren’t you the one who wanted to take down all the signs so travelers would pass through without even knowing they’d been here?
JOE: All right, fine. If you must know, I asked Polly to marry me.MAYOR FLO: Again?JOE: Sure, but this time she said yes.MAYOR FLO: Congratulations! When’s the big day?JOE: Well, see, that’s the thing. I’ve got to get Paradise Junction on the
front page of the New York Times first.
WINK: Don’t worry. I’ve got everything under control. (Takes his position in front of the camera.)
NORA: In five. Four. Three. Two. One!WINK: (To the camera.) Hi. I’m Wink Smiley, and I’d like to welcome you
to Paradise Junction. Tonight is a big night for the town, and not just because this is the season finale. No, it’s a big night because we’re broadcasting the entire show live. That’s right. Everything you see is happening right now. Nothing is edited. Nothing is cut. Why are we doing this? Because tonight the very soul of the town is at stake. Will these ignorant hicks resist the lure of unfathomable wealth, or will they greedily destroy their once-perfect town? The answer will soon be revealed, here on Paradise Lost! (NORA stops filming.) How was that?
NORA: Oh, I’d say it was nasty with a slight hint of viciousness.WINK: Great. That’s just what I was going for. (JOE ENTERS LEFT, dejected.)WILBUR: (Rushes IN LEFT, waving a newspaper.) Joe! Joe! You’ve got
to see this!WINK: Why is that kid here?NORA: What are you worried about? I thought you had everything
under control.WINK: Huh? Oh, yeah. Of course I do.JOE: What is it, Wilbur?WILBUR: It’s Polly! She made the New York Times!JOE: What?WILBUR: Yeah! See this article she wrote? It’s on the front page!JOE: I don’t want to read it.WILBUR: But it’s about Paradise Junction! It’s about you and me
and everybody!JOE: (Heated.) I told you I don’t want to read it! I already know what it
says! (Storms OFF RIGHT.)CHARLIE: Well, I don’t know what it says.BIG FINN: What’s it say, Wilbur?WINK: I’m sure we’re all dying to hear the article, but we don’t really
have time for it now.GERTIE: Well, make time! (With ad-libbed shouts of “Yeah!” and “Let
him read!” the TOWNSFOLK voice their support for WILBUR.)MARTHA: Go ahead, Wilbur. Read it.WILBUR: Okay. It’s titled, “Paradise Found: The Paradise Junction You
Don’t See on TV.”NORA: One minute, Wink.
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MAYOR FLO: Are you sure Polly wants to marry you, Joe?JOE: Why, sure I’m sure. She’s just a little particular about how she
does it.MAYOR FLO: Sorry, Joe. I can’t help you there.JOE: I was afraid of that.MAYOR FLO: Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get going.JOE: Where you going?MAYOR FLO: Oh, about fifty miles— (Catches herself.) Ah. You’re a sly
one, Joe.JOE: Have a good trip, Mayor Flo. (MAYOR FLO EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)VELMA: Hey, Joe. Do you have a few minutes?JOE: I always have time for you, Velma.VELMA: Good, because the mayor’s chair has been making funny
noises.JOE: Are you sure it’s the chair?VELMA: (Shoves a can of oil at him.) Just fix it… please. (EXITS
DOWN RIGHT. JOE settles into the chair. It squeaks. He gets up and puts some oil on it. He sits in it again. This time, there’s no squeak. JOE proceeds to test the chair, making a fool of himself as he twists and squirms.)
TINA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Excuse me, Mayor?JOE: (Startles and scrambles out of the chair.) What? Oh, uh, no. I’m
just the—TINA: My name is Tina Powers. I want to produce a reality show here.JOE: A reality show? What’s that?TINA: Don’t you watch television?JOE: Not if there’s something else to watch. (POLLY ENTERS DOWN
RIGHT. Seeing TINA and JOE, she ducks behind the door to spy on them.)
TINA: Well, what we would do is show real people—your friends, your neighbors—living their day-to-day lives.
JOE: Heck, I can see that just sitting on my porch swing.TINA: Well, sure you can. But think of all those poor ignorant souls in
the rest of the country. Wouldn’t you like them to see how good you’ve got it?
JOE: I don’t know, ma’am. That kind of seems like bragging to me.TINA: All right. Forget that. Think of the money.JOE: Money?
WINK: All right, Nora. I’ll be right out. (NORA disappears.) Go ahead. Drag my name through the mud. But if you do, you’ll be dragging Polly’s name too. It’s your call, Jo-Jo. (EXITS RIGHT.)
JOE: It’s Joe! Just plain Joe! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Five
ACT TWOScene Six
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, immediately after. NORA checks her camera. TINA stands nearby, waiting for Wink. The TOWNSFOLK, except MAYOR FLO, POLLY, JOE, WILBUR, and BIG FINN file IN, still very much on edge. FRED hands a shovel to each person as they enter.MARTHA: Now remember, Arabella. Stand up straight and smile.
Twenty million people will be watching tonight.ARABELLA: Twenty million? Is that a lot?MARTHA: Of course it’s a lot. Why, anyone could be watching. Movie
stars. Movie directors. Movie producers. Maybe even the president!ARABELLA: The President of the United States?MARTHA: No, the president of Paramount Pictures! Who cares about
that other guy?FRED: Here’s your shovel.MARTHA: A shovel? What’s this for?FRED: Just take it, would you? Wink says everybody’s got to have one.EDNA: Oooh. Maybe he wants us to dig a tunnel to China!CHARLIE: Don’t be ridiculous, Edna. You can’t dig a tunnel to China.MISS CROTCHET: That’s right. We’d burn up before we got there.CINDY: And besides, where would you put all the dirt?WINK: (ENTERS RIGHT and goes to TINA.) Tina! I’m so glad you could
make it.TINA: I’ve got to hand it to you, Wink. This show is bigger than even
I expected.WINK: It’s all thanks to you and your brilliant concept. I mean, who
else would come up with a reality show about the world’s most perfect town?
TINA: Yes, but it was you who made the show work.WINK: Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never underestimate
the greed of the average man… or woman.NORA: Ten seconds, Wink.TINA: I just hope everything goes well. Both of our careers are riding
on tonight.
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TINA: Sure. We’ll pay the city five million dollars if you give us the right to film here. (Intrigued, POLLY starts jotting down notes in her notebook.)
JOE: Well, to be honest with you, ma’am, I don’t know what we’d do with all that money.
TINA: Oh, come on. You can think of something. You could build a municipal swimming pool. Or improve your schools.
JOE: Paradise Creek is just fine for swimming. And we already have the smartest kids in the county.
TINA: All right. Forget about the money. Think of the fame.JOE: Fame?TINA: If the show’s a hit, you’ll be covered by all the media—magazines,
newspapers. Why, you might even make the front page of the New York Times.
JOE: Where do I sign?TINA: Right here. (Pulls out a contract and hands it to JOE.)JOE: (About to sign.) Wait a minute. What’s this?TINA: What? Oh, that’s just the fine print.JOE: It says you have the right to film us anytime, anyplace, and that
you’re free to edit our words any way you see fit.TINA: It’s standard, I assure you.JOE: I’m sorry, Miss Tina, but I can’t sign this.TINA: Have you lost your mind?JOE: Maybe. But you know what? We’ve got a pretty good thing going
here. (Absentmindedly picks up one of MAYOR FLO’S fishing rods.) Oh, we may not be as sophisticated as you, but we appreciate the little things that make each day worth living, and we know we can count on our neighbors whenever we need help. Can you say that about your neighbors?
TINA: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never met them.JOE: Goodbye, Miss Tina. I hope you find success. Just not around here.TINA: You’re going to regret not signing this.JOE: Probably. But I’d regret signing it even more. (TINA EXITS DOWN
RIGHT, oblivious to POLLY.)VELMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Who was that, Joe? She looked
pretty mad.JOE: Don’t worry. We’re never going to hear from her again.POLLY: (To herself.) Want to bet? (Closes her notebook and EXITS
DOWN RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Four
ACT TWOScene Five
LIGHTS UP: Wink’s dressing room, a short time later. WINK puts on makeup. JOE ENTERS LEFT.JOE: Excuse me, Mr. Smiley?WINK: Who are you?JOE: I’m Joe Goode. I own the Rise ’n’ Shine Diner.WINK: Sorry. I don’t give out autographs.JOE: I’m not here for an autograph. I want to talk to you about something.WINK: Oh, you do, do you? Well, make it quick. The live show starts
in a few minutes.JOE: I’ll make it real quick. You need to cancel tonight’s show.WINK: Excuse me?JOE: Look, Mr. Smiley. I don’t like to play hardball, but I know what
you’re planning to do, and I want you to cancel tonight’s show.WINK: Cancel? This is our biggest show of the season, and you’re
asking me to cancel it?JOE: No, Mr. Smiley. I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.WINK: Oh, really? And what if I don’t?JOE: If you don’t, I’m going to go public about the contract. The mayor
didn’t sign it. Horace McGillicuddy did. And I’ll bet if I did some digging around, I could prove you paid him to do it.
WINK: I can’t say it was forged, but I’ll admit we paid to make sure it got signed.
JOE: I knew it!WINK: But it wasn’t Horace we paid. It was Polly.JOE: What?!WINK: You know, Polly Day? That newspaper reporter you used to
hang around with?JOE: I don’t believe it.WINK: Why don’t you ask her?JOE: I… can’t.WINK: That’s not my problem.JOE: But I don’t understand. Why would Polly do that?WINK: Think about it. Who had the most to gain from our show coming
to town? Who got a big fat promotion out of the story she wrote?NORA: (Sticks her head IN RIGHT. Seeing JOE, she averts her eyes.) Two
minutes, Wink.
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ACT ONEScene Five
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, the next morning. MISS CROTCHET reads a newspaper. GERTIE ENTERS LEFT.MISS CROTCHET: Oh, my. Oh, my, my, my, my, my.GERTIE: What you reading there, Miss Crotchet?MISS CROTCHET: This article that Polly wrote. Seems some New York
producer wants to make a TV show here. (FRED ENTERS RIGHT. Passing the two women, he pauses to listen.)
GERTIE: Can they do that?MISS CROTCHET: Why, sure, they can do that. And they would, too,
excepting Joe put a stop to it.GERTIE: Joe? What’s Joe got to do with it?MISS CROTCHET: Well, it seems he was in the mayor’s office when
the producer stopped by. She offered the town five million dollars to film a reality show here, but Joe ran her off with one of the mayor’s fishing poles. Never even told her he wasn’t mayor.
GERTIE: Joe’s got no right to do that.MISS CROTCHET: Well, he done it just the same. (ERNIE and EDNA
ENTER LEFT.)FRED: Ernie, did you hear the big news?ERNIE: No, what?FRED: Joe ran off some big Hollywood producer with a shotgun.ERNIE: Oh, really?FRED: Yeah. She offered him fifty million dollars for the use of the
town, but he turned her down cold.ERNIE: I didn’t even know Joe owned a gun.FRED: You going to believe the newspaper, or you going to believe
your own mind?ERNIE: The newspaper, of course! (MARTHA ENTERS LEFT.)EDNA: Martha, you’re not going to believe this!MARTHA: Calm down, Edna. What is it now? (Drawn by the excitement,
OTHER TOWNSFOLK ENTER and join in the hubbub of excitement.)EDNA: Steven Spielberg offered to buy Paradise Junction for five
hundred million dollars, and Joe shot him!MARTHA: You don’t say?!EDNA: Sure as I’m standing here!MARTHA: I ought to have a talk with that boy.MISS CROTCHET: I think we should all talk to him.
HORACE: That’s all anyone wants to buy. Why, I could sell a dead skunk if I figured out how to stamp the words “Paradise Lost” on it.
JOE: Well, that’s great for you, but how am I supposed to get a new thermostat?
HORACE: I suppose I could special order one for you. Of course, it’ll take three weeks to get it.
JOE: Three weeks? I can’t afford to wait three weeks! I’ll go out of business!HORACE: Sorry, Joe. That’s the best I can do.JOE: (Whips out a pen and paper.) It’s a Heat Pro 3000.HORACE: That’s a good thermostat, the Heat Pro.JOE: Aren’t you going to write it down?HORACE: No. I’ve got it.JOE: I really think you ought to write it down.HORACE: Whatever you say, Joe. (Reluctantly takes the pen and paper
and jots down the name.) Heat Pro 3000.JOE: (Picks up the paper and stares at it.) Just like I thought. You’re the
one who forged the contract.HORACE: (Nervous.) What?JOE: You spelled “Pro” with a W. Just like you spelled “Flo” with a W.HORACE: (Grabs the paper and tosses it in the trash under the counter.)
That doesn’t prove anything.JOE: All right then. Where did you find Mayor Flo the day you got her
to sign the contract?HORACE: Huh? Oh, she was at the lake.JOE: I know she was at the lake. Which lake?HORACE: You want to know which lake? Let me think. What was the
name of it? Um, Conway. That’s it. Lake Conway.JOE: Lake Conway’s a bass lake. Mayor Flo was angling for catfish. (A
new group of TOURISTS ENTERS LEFT.)HORACE: Sorry, Joe, but I’ve got customers. If you’re not buying
anything, I’m going to need you to step out of the way.JOE: (Steps back.) You know something, Horace? I’ve always liked you.
Oh, I know you’re a pushy kind of a feller and you like to get your own way, but I always thought you were a good man. Now, I’m not so sure.
HORACE: (Turns to the TOURISTS, rattled.) Can I help you? (Sneezes. The TOURISTS back away.) Don’t worry. I’m not sick. (Shaking his head, JOE EXITS LEFT. HORACE calls after JOE.) I mean it! It’s just my allergies! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Four
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ERNIE: Good idea. Let’s go! (Led by ERNIE, the TOWNSFOLK EXIT LEFT. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Five
ACT ONEScene Six
LIGHTS UP: Rise ‘n’ Shine Diner, immediately after. JOE wipes the counter. ERNIE ENTERS DOWN LEFT, grim.JOE: Hey, Ernie. I saved you a piece of that rhubarb pie. (Slides the pie
plate toward ERNIE. ERNIE doesn’t move.) Would you rather have blueberry? (MARTHA and EDNA ENTER DOWN LEFT, lining up next to ERNIE.) Well, ladies. What brings you here this fine morning? It’s not often you two are on the same side. (His smile fades as he realizes they’re not amused. The TOWNSFOLK, except for MAYOR FLO, VELMA, HORACE and POLLY, ENTER DOWN LEFT and crowd around the counter.) Looks like I’m going to need more pie.
ERNIE: We’re not here for pie, Joe. We’ve got something more important on our minds.
BIG FINN: We heard you killed Steven Spielberg.JOE: What?! That’s ridiculous!FRED: It says so right there in the newspaper.JOE: Let me see that. (Grabs the newspaper from MISS CROTCHET.)
It doesn’t say any such thing. It just says I refused to sell out the town for five million dollars.
MARTHA: Aha, so you admit it!JOE: Why, sure, I admit it. It’s nothing but a raw deal.GERTIE: That ain’t for you to decide, Joe.CHARLIE: The town needs that money.LOTTE: We could use it to clean up the old band shell.MARTHA: Band shell? For five million dollars, we could build a whole
performing arts center!MISS CROTCHET: Or a brand new school!BIG FINN: Or a 3D jumbotron! Right in the middle of Town Square!
(EVERYONE stares at him.) What? I saw it on Weekend Sports Tonight. (The TOWNSFOLK start arguing among themselves.)
JOE: (Bangs a ladle against a pot.) Quiet! I said, quiet! (EVERYONE falls silent.) Can’t you see this deal is only going to hurt the town? Them TV folks are going to follow us around with their cameras and pry into every nook and cranny of our lives.
CHARLIE: I’ve got nothing to hide, Joe. What are you trying to hide?TOWNSFOLK: Yeah!
VELMA: (Digs through the desk.) What for?JOE: Oh, I was hoping there was some way to get the town out of it.VELMA: (Hands JOE the contract.) That would be nice. This town hasn’t
been the same since those TV folks came.JOE: You’ve noticed it too?VELMA: Noticed it? I got this cold because of it. And it’s not just me.
Doctor Gertie says she’s never seen so many people sick at one time.JOE: (Scans the contract.) Hmmm.VELMA: Did you find something?JOE: Tell me, Velma. Is Mayor Flo a good speller?VELMA: Well, she wouldn’t win any spelling bees, but I suppose she’s
all right. Why?JOE: Because she misspelled her own name.VELMA: What? That’s impossible.JOE: No. See right here where she signed?VELMA: Well, I’ll be. F-L-O-W.JOE: Either the mayor was so distracted by the fish that she forgot
how to spell, or she’s not the one who signed the contract.VELMA: You mean somebody forged her signature?JOE: I’m afraid so.VELMA: Who would do a thing like that?JOE: I can’t say for sure, but I have a hunch. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Three
ACT TWOScene Four
LIGHTS UP: McGillicuddy Mart, a short time later. HORACE is behind the counter, helping a group of TOURISTS with a purchase. Like Velma, he’s also fighting a cold.HORACE: Thank you for your purchase. And remember, no refunds, no
returns! (Smiling vacantly, the TOURISTS EXIT LEFT. JOE ENTERS LEFT.) Well, Joe! Isn’t this a surprise? I don’t see you here very often.
JOE: And you wouldn’t be seeing me now, excepting I’ve got an emergency. The thermostat on my oven is busted.
HORACE: I’m sorry to hear that, Joe, but I don’t carry thermostats anymore. In fact, I don’t carry any appliance parts.
JOE: Well, what do you carry?HORACE: See for yourself. T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee cups—JOE: All you sell are souvenirs?
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JOE: Miss Crotchet, don’t you remember? Last year, you almost had Wilbur Hochelmeier arrested for picking one of your prize-winning pansies. How’re you going to feel when a cameraman is trampling your whole garden? (POLLY sneaks IN DOWN LEFT.)
MISS CROTCHET: For five million dollars, they can rip the flowers out of the ground and stick them in their ears! (HORACE ENTERS DOWN LEFT.)
FRED: At least we should put it to a vote.JOE: Fred, you know we can’t put the contract to a vote until we get
the mayor’s signature on it.FRED: But we don’t even know where she is.JOE: That don’t matter. She’s got to sign it.HORACE: Hey, Joe. Did you say Mayor Flo has to approve any contract
with the TV network?JOE: Why, sure, Horace. You know that.HORACE: Well, here it is. (Whips out the contract.) Signed by Mayor
Flo herself! (The TOWNSFOLK burst into excited chatter. JOE tries to grab the contract, but HORACE yanks it away.)
JOE: What? Where did you get that?HORACE: It doesn’t matter. I got it.JOE: But no one knows where Mayor Flo went.HORACE: Tell me, Fred. Is that her signature or not? (Gives FRED only
a quick peek at the contract.)FRED: Sure looks like it.GERTIE: If the mayor signed it, that’s good enough for me.MARTHA: Let’s put it to a vote.ERNIE: We can’t put it to a vote. I’ve got to call a town meeting first.MISS CROTCHET: We can have the town meeting here. (The
TOWNSFOLK shout their agreement.)ERNIE: Oh, for heaven’s sake. Excuse me, Joe. (Squeezes behind the
counter and bangs the ladle against the pot.) Hush up, all of you! (EVERYONE falls silent.) As president of the Town Council, I hereby call this meeting to order. Would somebody like to move that we accept this here contract that Mayor Flo done signed?
MISS CROTCHET: I do, Ernie.ERNIE: Do I hear a second?MARTHA: I second it.BIG FINN: And I third it.ERNIE: How many times do I got to tell you, Big Finn? There’s no such
thing as a third.
NORA: Come on, Joe. Haven’t you wondered why Wink wanted tonight’s show to be live?
JOE: Not really. I figured that’s how they did it in Hollywood.NORA: You all are too trusting here. You see, it’s all part of his plan.
He’s going to start the show by giving a shovel to each man, woman, and child in Paradise Junction. Then he’s going to announce that five gold bars worth a million dollars each are hidden somewhere in the town.
JOE: You mean under the street?NORA: Under the street. Behind those walls. It could even be inside
your counter here.JOE: But folks will tear the town apart looking for them! They’ll dig up
the pavement, knock down homes—NORA: Exactly. And the entire country will be watching. (Sniffs the air.)
Wait a minute. Is something burning?JOE: What? No. I don’t think so. (Sniffs the air. Smelling something, he
throws open the oven.) The pie! (Removes the pie with a potholder.) Oh, no! It’s burnt to a crisp!
NORA: I’ll bet it’s your thermostat.JOE: Let me take a look. (Peers inside the oven. NORA quickly gobbles
the rest of her pie.) You’re right. This one is plum busted.NORA: (Stands.) Well, thanks for the pie, Joe. I’d better get going.JOE: What? No! You can’t go! You’ve got to tell me how to stop Wink!NORA: You can’t, Joe. Trust me. Once Wink gets an idea in his head,
no one can stop him. (EXITS DOWN LEFT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two
ACT TWOScene Three
LIGHTS UP: The Mayor’s office, a short time later. VELMA works at the desk. She sniffles and sneezes from a cold. JOE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.JOE: Velma, you’re here!VELMA: Of course I’m here. Somebody’s got to keep the town running.JOE: I take it the mayor isn’t back yet?VELMA: No, and she hasn’t sent any word either. I’m thinking one
of those fish must have leaped onto her boat and swallowed her.JOE: Well, that would be the way she’d want to go.VELMA: Is there something I can help you with?JOE: Yeah. I was wanting to look through the TV contract. You know,
the one Mayor Flo signed on her fishing trip.
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BIG FINN: Oh. Sorry.JOE: Has anybody even read the contract?LOTTE: We don’t have to read it.CHARLIE: That’s right. Don’t you trust that strange lady from the big
city who no one’s ever seen before and no one will ever see again?EDNA: As president of the Women’s Arts League—the oldest and
most distinguished arts group in town—I know I speak for all of our members when I say that this contract can only help to spread the fame of Paradise Junction.
MARTHA: Excuse me, but as president of the Ladies’ Culture Committee—the largest and most prestigious arts group in Paradise Junction—I say that fame is nothing compared to the wealth and prosperity this deal will bring to our town.
JOE: Oh, boy.ERNIE: Have you all had your say now?GERTIE: I reckon so, Ernie.ERNIE: All right then. Everybody in favor, say aye.TOWNSFOLK: Aye!HORACE: Everybody against, say nay.JOE: Nay.ERNIE: The ayes have it. (EVERYONE cheers.)ARABELLA: Just think, Mother! I’m going to be a TV star!MARTHA: Of course you are, darling. Now quit stooping. All the
blood is going to pool in your shoulders. (The TOWNSFOLK talk among themselves.)
JOE: (Spots POLLY and crosses to her.) Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself.POLLY: Of course I’m proud. Aren’t you?JOE: Me?POLLY: Yes. I managed to scoop all the big-city newspapers—even
the ones out in Hollywood—and my phone has been ringing off the hook. Do you know who just called me? The entertainment editor for the Los Angeles Times! He wanted to quote me for their own article on the show. Me! Polly Ann Day!
JOE: I… I don’t know what to say.POLLY: (Searches his eyes for some sign of pride. She doesn’t find it.)
You don’t have to say anything, Joe. Your face says it all. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
JOE: Polly? Polly, wait! (Runs OFF after POLLY. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Six
JOE: (Slowly pulls the plate away from her.) I wouldn’t want you to say anything you shouldn’t.
NORA: (Stares hungrily at the pie.) Well, maybe I could tell you a little bit more. (JOE slowly pushes the plate back toward NORA. NORA eagerly takes a bite.) Wow, this is good. I mean really, really good.
JOE: You were talking about your job…NORA: Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, the work’s not bad. It’s just that it can get
so… dirty. You know what I mean?JOE: No. I don’t.NORA: Well, take that first episode. You know, the one where we
interviewed the Hochelmeiers?JOE: I remember. They said some pretty mean things about Martha.NORA: Yep. Only they weren’t talking about Martha. We just twisted their
words around so it sounded like they were talking about Martha.JOE: You’re right. That is a dirty thing to do.NORA: There’s more.JOE: Like what?NORA: No. I really need to stop talking. I could lose my job. (JOE holds
up a can of whipped cream. NORA caves.) Wink was spreading rumors at the pie-baking contest.
JOE: (Squirts a dollop of whipped cream on the pie.) You don’t say.NORA: (Takes another bite. In heaven.) Yeah. He made everyone think
everyone else was cheating.JOE: So that’s why nobody in town’s been talking to each other.NORA: It gets worse.JOE: How could it get any worse?NORA: Easy. What Wink has planned for tonight’s season finale could
destroy the town.JOE: Oh, really? What’s he got planned? (NORA hesitates. JOE empties
the can of whipped cream on the pie.)NORA: (Caves again.) It has to do with the five million dollars.JOE: What? Wink’s not going to pay?NORA: Oh, no. He’ll pay. The contract says he has to pay. But the
contract doesn’t say he has to pay the town directly.JOE: Who’s he going to pay then?NORA: Whoever finds it.JOE: You know, I’ve met people who talked in circles before, but I
never met anybody who could twist those circles round and round like a pretzel.
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ACT ONEScene Seven
LIGHTS UP: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts, a few days later. LOTTE leads a dance class consisting of most of the TOWNSFOLK, who crouch low to the floor.LOTTE: Remember, students, you are a garden of flowers, and the
ceiling is the sun. Now grow, all of you. Grow towards the sun! (ALL reach half-heartedly for the ceiling.) Higher now. Higher! (Losing his balance, WILBUR falls flat on his face. ALL laugh.) Wilbur Hochelmeier, you stop that immediately! You’re distracting the other students!
WILBUR: Sorry, Miss LaRue. I’m doing the best I can. It’s just that when I stick my petals in the air, my roots get all tangled up.
LOTTE: This isn’t about petals and roots. This is about getting in touch with the flower inside you.
WILBUR: The flower inside me?LOTTE: Yes, Wilbur. Each person has a rare and precious flower inside
them. Now what kind of flower is inside you?WILBUR: A cauliflower? (ALL laugh.) No, really! We had some for
dinner last night!LOTTE: You people are not taking this seriously! Wink Smiley is going
to be here any minute now, and we don’t want him thinking that we’re talentless rubes.
MARTHA: Well, I don’t see how all this cavorting around is going to land my Arabella a million dollar movie deal.
MISS CROTCHET: Martha has a point. This is supposed to be a reality show. Don’t we want to give them, you know, reality?
LOTTE: Of course we want to give them reality. But what’s wrong with improving on that reality a little?
EDNA: I think we should listen to Miss LaRue. After all, she was a big star on Broadway.
LOTTE: I don’t know about “big” star—MARTHA: Yes, well, I studied a little theatre myself, and I can tell you
we never gallivanted around, pretending to be a bunch of petunias. We were method actors.
WILBUR: Oh, I could never be a method actor. I come from a family of strict Presbyterians.
LOTTE: Why did I ever leave New York? (WINK and NORA ENTER RIGHT, staying back so no one will see them. With her hand-held TV camera, NORA starts filming the class.)
TOURIST DAD: (Mimics them.) Then you must be in Paradise Junction!TOURIST GIRL: That is so stupid! (Still laughing, the TOURIST FAMILY
EXITS RIGHT.)SAL: You know something, Sam? I don’t think I like being famous.
(BLACKOUT.)End of Scene One
ACT TWOScene Two
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day. JOE is on his phone, an old-fashioned landline. He doesn’t see NORA ENTER DOWN LEFT.JOE: (On the phone.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. I know we haven’t spoken
since you left town, but I was wondering if you were ever coming back— (To himself.) No. Too desperate. Good thing her voicemail lets me re-record. (Presses a button and tries again.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. Look, I don’t care if you ever come back or not— (To himself.) No. Too cold. (Presses a button and tries again.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. You know, the guy whose heart you ripped into a thousand little pieces— (To himself.) Oh, to heck with it. I’ll never get it right. (Presses a button and hangs up.)
NORA: I hear you make a pretty mean pie.JOE: Huh? (Turns around.) Oh. Well, no one’s ever complained to my
face about it.NORA: Do you have any apple?JOE: Sure, but if you don’t mind waiting a few minutes, I’ve got a
gooseberry pie coming out of the oven.NORA: Apple will be fine.JOE: One piece of apple pie coming up. (NORA sits at the counter. JOE
goes to get the pie.) Say, you’re that TV gal, aren’t you?NORA: That’s me.JOE: You don’t sound very happy about it.NORA: You can tell that?JOE: I can tell a lot of things.NORA: Then you should be able to tell why I’m not happy.JOE: (Sets the pie in front of NORA.) Well, I don’t know much about TV
work, but I would guess it can get pretty frazzling at times.NORA: No, it’s not that. Not really.JOE: Then what?NORA: Never mind. I really shouldn’t be telling you this. (Prepares to
stab her fork into the pie.)
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ARABELLA: (Goes to help Wilbur.) Here, Wilbur. You’ve got to start low to the ground, like this. Next, circle your arms above your head. There you go. You’re getting it. Now, spread your arms outward as you slowly rise to your feet. See? It’s easy!
WILBUR: Gee, thanks, Arabella. That helps a lot.MARTHA: Arabella McGillicuddy, what are you doing?ARABELLA: I’m helping Wilbur germinate.MARTHA: Oh, no, you don’t, young lady. You’re much too young to be
germinating with boys. And besides, you shouldn’t be talking to Wilbur at all. He is the competition, after all. (WILBUR sags.)
LOTTE: Oh, no, class! Look! Wilbur is wilting! We’ve got to do something. Wait. I know. Let’s all be rainclouds. Come on, everyone! Drizzle for Wilbur! Drizzle, drizzle, drizzle!
WINK: (To NORA.) What is this? Invasion of the Weirdos? (Noticing WINK, MARTHA screams.)
LOTTE: What’s the matter, Martha?MARTHA: (Points at WINK.) There’s a strange man watching us.EDNA: That’s no man! That’s Wink Smiley! (EVERYONE rushes over,
mobbing WINK. NORA continues filming.)WINK: Give me room, folks. Give me room. I just had my hair
professionally dry-cleaned. (EVERYONE steps back as WINK moves DOWNSTAGE. NORA pans the room, eventually focusing on BIG FINN.)
BIG FINN: (Waves.) Hi, Mom!WINK: Nora, you’re letting the camera drift again. (Turns the camera
toward himself.) Greetings, townspeople! As I’m sure you know, my name is Wink Smiley, and I’m going to be the host of Paradise on Earth. I can’t wait to tell the world about this wonderful little town you’ve got here. But before I do that, I want to get to know you. I want to understand what makes each and every one of you special.
GERTIE: I’ve got a bunion that looks like Millard Fillmore. (Starts to remove her shoe.)
WINK: No! Please! The network has a strict policy against political statements!
WILBUR: How about this, Mr. Smiley? I can play Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony using only these two spoons. (Pulls two spoons out of his pocket and proceeds to whack himself with them.)
WINK: (To NORA.) I hope he doesn’t use those to eat with.MARTHA: If you’re going to put anyone on your show, Mr. Smiley, it’s
got to be my daughter Arabella. She can twirl two flaming batons at the same time! (Pulls out a cigarette lighter. ARABELLA comes
SAM: Seems like everybody’s gone Hollywood. (CINDY ENTERS RIGHT, talking on her phone and carrying a cat.)
SAL: Ah. Here’s somebody we can count on to keep a level head.CINDY: (On the phone.) Ten grand? What do you think I am? A
pushover? Listen, J.J., if you want Mr. Whiskers to hawk your lousy cat food, you’re going to have to come up with a lot more scratch than that… How much? Well, why don’t you start counting at a hundred grand, and I’ll tell you when to stop. (EXITS LEFT.)
SAL: That is one hard-driving cat.TOURIST GIRL: (Notices SAM and SAL.) Hey, Mom! Look! There are
those two guys from the show!TOURIST MOM: Oh, wow! I love those guys!TOURIST DAD: What are their names again?TOURIST MOM: Jim and Jem, I think.TOURIST GIRL: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Tim and Tam. (The TOURIST
FAMILY approaches SAM and SAL.)TOURIST DAD: We hate to bother you, but we just want to tell you how
much we love your show.TOURIST MOM: Oh, yes. You two are our absolute favorites.SAL: Why, thank you, ma’am.SAM: We’re always glad to hear from our—TOURIST MOM: Do you mind if we take your picture?SAL: Uh, no.SAM: Not if we can stay sitting down.TOURIST DAD: Ha! You guys crack me up. (The TOURIST FAMILY poses
for a group selfie, but they’re so focused on themselves, they don’t realize they’re blocking SAM and SAL.)
TOURIST GIRL: (Snaps the picture.) My friends are going to be so jealous.TOURIST DAD: Oh, hey. Before we go, can you say your catch phrase
for us?SAM: Catch phrase?TOURIST DAD: Yeah, you know. That thing you always say.TOURIST MOM: The one that always makes us laugh.SAM: I’m not sure I’m following you.TOURIST GIRL: You know. “If things seem too good to be true…”SAM: Oh!SAM/SAL: …then you must be in Paradise Junction! (The TOURIST
FAMILY bursts out laughing.)TOURIST MOM: Ha! That’s it!
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forward with two batons upheld.) Stand back, Mr. Smiley. I don’t want your hair to get singed.
WINK: Stop, everyone! Just stop! (The TOWNSFOLK fall silent. MARTHA and EDNA drag ARABELLA and WILBUR aside so they can continue their argument.) Look, I’m sure you’re all very talented, but I’m not looking for talent.
LOTTE: Oh! (Faints.)GERTIE: But I thought you wanted us to be entertaining.WINK: Of course I want you to be entertaining. But people aren’t
entertained by cheesy circus acts anymore. They’d rather watch people like themselves. They want to see how you live. They want to know about your problems, your struggles.
BIG FINN: Just yesterday we helped get Cindy’s kitten out of a tree.WINK: No, no, no. I don’t want kittens. I want conflict. I want
heartbreak. I want betrayal. You know, all the things that make this country great.
MISS CROTCHET: Oh, we don’t have anything like that.FRED: She’s right. Everybody pretty much gets along here.WINK: That seems too good to be true.TOWNSFOLK: Then you must be in Paradise Junction!WINK: (Pulls NORA aside, stunned.) I don’t get it. Why did Tina send us
to this Ritz cracker of a town?NORA: She said Paradise Junction had magical powers.WINK: Magical powers? The only power I see is the power to put
people to sleep.NORA: I don’t know. I think it’s kind of sweet.WINK: Sweet? Sweet?! Listen, my friend. Sweet is boring. Sweet is
what gets you cancelled. We need a hook. We need something that will glue people’s eyeballs to their TV sets. (As the room falls silent again, we hear EDNA and MARTHA arguing.)
EDNA: Martha, I admit Arabella is a very gifted young woman, but I’m not sure you realize how difficult it is to play Beethoven using ordinary eating utensils.
MARTHA: (Her words are calm, but her face reveals much more.) Not at all, Edna. I’m sure it’s very difficult. What I’m not sure about is whether Beethoven has stopped spinning in his grave yet.
WINK: Wait a minute. What’s that?MISS CROTCHET: That’s Edna and Martha.WINK: Sounds like they’re arguing.GERTIE: Oh, no. That’s just the way they talk.
ACT TWOScene One
CURTAIN UP: Town Square, a few weeks later. SAM and SAL sit in their lawn chairs in front of the fountain. TOURIST DAD, TOURIST MOM, and TOURIST GIRL ENTER LEFT, looking around in awe.TOURIST MOM: Look, honey! Can you believe it?TOURIST DAD: This is where they film Paradise Lost!TOURIST GIRL: Wow! This looks just like a real town.TOURIST MOM: That’s the magic of Hollywood for you.TOURIST DAD: It’s all done with CGI these days. (The TOURIST FAMILY
continues to explore. They pull out phones and cameras, taking pictures of everything they see.)
SAL: There sure are a lot of new faces in town, Sam.SAM: Yeah. That’s what they call the paparoozi.SAL: Paparoozi?SAM: You know. The kind of folks that like to follow famous folks around.SAL: Are we famous, Sam?SAM: I don’t know. That’s why I brought us into town. I want to see
if anybody recognizes us. (MISS CROTCHET ENTERS RIGHT, talking on her phone.)
SAL: Here comes Miss Crotchet. I bet she’ll recognize us.SAM: I don’t think she counts.SAL: Hey there, Miss Crotchet.SAM: How are you doing this fine day?MISS CROTCHET: (On the phone.) Sorry, Mr. Edwards, but I won’t
be able to make it into school this week. Today I’m doing a big photo shoot for TV Weekly, tomorrow I’m appearing on The Okra Winstead Show, and Wednesday I’m launching my new line of designer hats… Yes, I know I’m the only teacher in town, but can’t the students teach themselves? (EXITS LEFT.)
SAL: What’s the matter with her?SAM: I think she’s gone Hollywood. (LOTTE ENTERS LEFT, talking on
her phone.)SAL: Howdy-do, Miss LaRue.SAM: It’s always good to see you.LOTTE: (On the phone.) You heard me, Al. I want you to gut the entire
studio. I’m converting the place into a tanning salon. No, wait. Not a salon. An academy. That’s it! Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Heliophilic Arts! (EXITS RIGHT.)
SAL: Well, don’t that beat all!
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WINK: Have they always been like this?MISS CROTCHET: Pretty much.GERTIE: It all started three years ago, right after the McGillicuddys
moved here.MISS CROTCHET: The Women’s Arts League wanted to put up a statue
of Lady Liberty, only they didn’t have enough money in their budget.GERTIE: That’s when Horace McGillicuddy comes along with all his
big-city money.MISS CROTCHET: Horace tells everybody he’ll pay for the statue as
long as he gets to design it. Well, the Women’s Arts League was so excited by his offer, they agreed.
GERTIE: I always said it was a bad deal.MISS CROTCHET: The day came for the unveiling. The town threw a
big parade with floats and marching bands and everything.GERTIE: Why, people came from miles around to see it.MISS CROTCHET: As soon as the parade was over, Mayor Flo pulled
the sheet off the statue, and a big gasp went up from the crowd. People had never seen such a thing.
WINK: What’s the matter? Wasn’t the statue any good?GERTIE: Oh, no. It was very good. In fact, it looked just like a real
person.WINK: So what was the problem?GERTIE: The person it looked like was Martha. Horace had used her
as the model.MISS CROTCHET: Well, Edna got so mad she kicked Martha right out
of the Women’s Arts League. So Martha started her own group and called it the Ladies’ Culture Committee.
GERTIE: Those two haven’t seen eye to eye since.WINK: (Looks over at MARTHA and EDNA. They’re still going at it.) Nora,
I think we’ve found our hook. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Seven
ACT ONEScene Eight
LIGHTS UP: The Hochelmeiers’ home, early the next morning. EDNA serves pancakes. ERNIE and WILBUR sit at the table eating them. WINK and NORA ENTER from the FORESTAGE RIGHT and approach the “house” as if from the yard.NORA: I don’t know why we had to get up so early. I haven’t even had
breakfast yet.WINK: Quit complaining. This is the most productive time of the day.
GERTIE: Not yet. According to the official rulebook, I’ve got to taste it first.
EDNA: Well, here, Gertie. Take a big piece. (Holds out the pie. GERTIE is about to plunge her fork into it when someone bumps into EDNA, and she falls face first into her own pie. EDNA sobs. JOE ENTERS RIGHT. FRED goes to him.)
FRED: Hey, Joe. You still looking for Polly?JOE: I sure am. Do you know where she is?FRED: Old Man Crothers saw her down by the train station. Says she
was buying a ticket to New York City.JOE: New York City? What would she want to go there for?FRED: You ought to know that better than anyone, Joe. Didn’t she
always say her dream was to work for a big-city newspaper?JOE: Well, sure, but— Nah, Polly wouldn’t up and leave like that. I bet
she just went there to look around. You know, do some sightseeing and all.
FRED: I don’t think so, Joe. It was a one-way ticket.JOE: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, sure, we had some
harsh words last time we spoke, but I didn’t think she’d ever leave Paradise Junction. At least not without saying goodbye.
FRED: Sorry, Joe, but you know what they say. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
JOE: No, Fred. There’s only one fish. And her name is Polly Ann Day. (EXITS LEFT.)
GERTIE: (Rises to address the CROWD.) I’ve got some bad news, folks. For the first time in the history of the Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest, there is no winner. You’ve all disqualified yourselves. And a sorrier sight I never did see. This competition is over. Over! (EXITS, disgusted.)
NORA: (Stops filming.) Well, I hope you’re happy.WINK: Happy? I’m ecstatic. Everything went just the way I planned.NORA: But you made the townspeople look like fools.WINK: Correction, my friend. The townspeople made themselves look
like fools. We were just here to record it.NORA: You know, if I had any self-respect, I’d quit this job right now.WINK: Because of this? This is nothing. Just wait until you see what
I’ve got planned for the season finale. Our ratings are going to go through the roof! (CURTAIN.)
End of ACT ONE
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NORA: How can you possibly be this peppy on an empty stomach?WINK: The thrill of the hunt, my friend. When I smell blood, I’m like a
lion on the prowl. All my muscles tense up. All my senses go on the alert. Haven’t you ever felt like that?
NORA: Only when I see a cheese danish.WINK: You can feed your face later. Right now, we’re going to make a
surprise call on the Hochelmeiers.NORA: A surprise call? But it’s five a.m.! They’re probably still in
their pajamas!WINK: Good point. I’ll see if I can arrange a product placement deal
with the pajama manufacturer. Now get ready. We’re going in. (NORA readies her camera. They barge into the house.)
EDNA: Why, hello, Mr.—WINK: Aha! (ERNIE and WILBUR look up from their pancakes.)ERNIE: Good morning, Mr. Smiley. Beautiful day, isn’t it?WINK: What’s the matter with you? You’re wide awake!ERNIE: Of course we’re awake. It’s five a.m.! This is the most
productive part of the day.NORA: That’s what he said.WINK: Shut up, Nora.EDNA: Would you like some pancakes?NORA: Yes, I would! (Plops down at the table, but WINK yanks her back
to her feet.)WINK: Oh, no. We wouldn’t want you to go to all that trouble. Would
we, Nora?NORA: Uh, no. (Resumes filming, reluctant.)ERNIE: Actually, it’s no trouble at all.EDNA: That’s right. After all, you know what they say. Some folks were
meant to cook, and some were meant to eat.WINK: Maybe later. We have to get some footage for the show first.ERNIE: What would you like us to do, Mr. Smiley?WINK: I don’t want you to “do” anything. Just be yourselves. We’ll let
the drama arise from the moment.ERNIE: If you say so. (ERNIE and WILBUR return to their pancakes,
chewing silently as they stare straight ahead.)WINK: Cut! Cut! Cut!ERNIE: What’s the matter?WINK: What do you think is the matter? I need you to talk!EDNA: But they’re hungry, Mr. Smiley. You’d have a better chance of
getting a snowball to survive a heat wave.
up the trophy. The TOWNSFOLK cheer.) Well, good luck, and may the best chef win! (LOTTE and MISS CROTCHET meet in the crowd.)
MISS CROTCHET: Oh, Miss LaRue, that pie looks absolutely delicious.LOTTE: I should hope so. I was up until midnight last night baking it.
(WINK whispers in MISS CROTCHET’S ear.)MISS CROTCHET: Are you sure it was you who did the baking?LOTTE: What are you implying, Miss Crotchet?MISS CROTCHET: Nothing. It’s just a rumor I heard.LOTTE: Uh-huh. And what rumor was that?MISS CROTCHET: Well, don’t let on that I told you, but some people
are saying Martha wasn’t the only one who got help from Joe. Some people are saying you might have gotten help as well.
LOTTE: You take that back, Miss Crotchet!MISS CROTCHET: What’s there to take back? I never said it in the
first place.LOTTE: You take that back, or I’ll… I’ll—MISS CROTCHET: You’ll what, Miss LaRue?LOTTE: I’ll… this! (Throws her pie in MISS CROTCHET’S face. Stunned,
MISS CROTCHET throws her pie in LOTTE’S face. CHARLIE and BIG FINN meet in the crowd.)
CHARLIE: What you got there, Big Finn?BIG FINN: What do you think it is, Charlie? It’s a pie for the contest.CHARLIE: A pie? I didn’t know you could bake.BIG FINN: Why, sure, I can bake. Sometimes.CHARLIE: Then why haven’t you entered the contest before?BIG FINN: I guess I never had a pie good enough before. (WINK
whispers in CHARLIE’S ear.)CHARLIE: Aw, I bet you didn’t cook that pie at all. I bet you bought it
at the Higgledy Piggledy in Centerville.BIG FINN: Oh, yeah? Does this taste like it came from the Higgledy
Piggledy? (Throws his pie in CHARLIE’S face. CHARLIE throws his pie in BIG FINN’S face. WINK moves on, whispering to the next pair of contestants and the next until every pie has been thrown but one. EDNA snakes her way through the crowd, carefully holding the last remaining pie above the chaos.)
EDNA: (Arrives at the judge’s table.) Whew! I made it!GERTIE: Well, I’ll be a blue-nosed gopher. Looks like you’re the only
contestant left, Edna.EDNA: Does that mean I won?
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WINK: Well, I can’t put this on the air. People would switch to something more exciting. Like the Snoring Channel.
ERNIE: Sorry, Mr. Smiley. Can we try again?WINK: All right. But this time, let’s try to make it interesting.ERNIE: (Wooden.) So, Son, what do you have planned for today?WILBUR: (Just as wooden.) I was hoping I could borrow the little red
wagon, Father.ERNIE: The little red wagon? Aren’t you a little old to be playing with
a child’s toy?WILBUR: It’s not for me, Father. It’s for the poor. My Eagle Scout troop
is organizing a paper drive.ERNIE: What would the poor want with some musty old newspapers?WILBUR: We’re not giving the newspapers to the poor, Father. We’re
taking them to the recycling center and donating the proceeds to the poor.
ERNIE: That sounds like a mighty fine cause, Son. In fact, it’s so fine, I’d be honored to drive you around town myself.
WILBUR: Gee, you’re a great father, Father.ERNIE: And you’re a great son, Son. (They turn to the camera and grin.)WINK: Are you people for real? Because you don’t sound real. You
sound like robots. No, wait. Not robots. What has less personality than robots?
EDNA: I’m not sure, but I would guess the answer is rocks.WINK: Bingo. You’re very boring rocks.ERNIE: But you told us to be ourselves.WINK: That was before I knew who you were.ERNIE: Huh?WINK: Come on, Nora. Let’s go.ERNIE: What’s wrong?WINK: It’s just that— Oh, never mind.ERNIE: No, please. Tell us what you need, Mr. Smiley.WINK: I need honesty. I need you to tell me the truth, no matter who
gets hurt.ERNIE: I’m not sure I understand.WINK: Look, I was sent here to figure out what makes your town
special, what makes your town unique. Well, I’ve been here twenty-four hours now, and I still haven’t found any magic.
ERNIE: Oh, there’s nothing magic about Paradise Junction, Mr. Smiley. Everybody cares about each other is all. (EDNA lets out a harrumph.)
ERNIE: Is that the absolute truth, Joe? About you teaching Martha to bake?
JOE: You know it is, Ernie. Horace had asked for my pie recipe, and I thought I could do better than that, so I was helping her bake a pie for the contest.
ERNIE: Well, that’s too bad, because that’s even worse.JOE: How is it worse?ERNIE: Because it’s against the rules, Joe. The official rulebook
states, and I quote, “No contestant may receive assistance from another contestant.”
JOE: It wasn’t assistance, exactly. More like a rescue mission.ERNIE: Sorry, Joe, but I’ve got no choice. I’m disqualifying the both of
you from this year’s pie baking contest.MISS CROTCHET: Whoopee! I finally have a chance this year! (JOE
looks at her.) I mean, I’m sorry to hear that, Joe.JOE: That’s all right, Miss Crotchet. It was about time I hung up my
apron anyway. I just hope that’s the end of the trouble. (On TV — Close-up shot of WINK. VOLUME UP.)
WINK: (On TV.) Tune in again next week for more tales of treachery and deception on Paradise Lost! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Nine
ACT ONEScene Ten
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, the next day. A banner reads: “Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest.” GERTIE sits at the judge’s table, where a large trophy is on display. TOWNSFOLK ENTER with pies. They talk among themselves, but there’s an uneasiness in the air as though the whole town is on edge. WINK and NORA wander among the crowd, filming everyone and everything. JOE and FRED meet in the crowd.JOE: Hey, Fred. Have you seen Polly around?FRED: No, I don’t think she’s shown up yet. Why?JOE: It’s not like Polly to miss a big news story like this. How are
people going to know who won if she doesn’t print it in the paper?FRED: Joe, everybody in town is here. We’re all going to know.JOE: Well, I just think she ought to be here is all. (EXITS RIGHT.)GERTIE: (Rises to address the CROWD.) Quiet down, everybody. Quiet
down now. (The CROWD falls silent.) That’s better. I’d like to welcome you all to the annual Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest. The festivities are just getting started and—ooh-wee!—there sure are a lot of pies headed this way. I guess with Joe out of the picture, everybody in town wants to see if they can win the big prize. (Holds
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WINK: Everybody?ERNIE: Yes, Mr. Smiley. Everybody.WINK: What about the McGillicuddys? I understand some people feel
they don’t really belong here.ERNIE: I don’t know where you heard that. The McGillicuddys are
fine, upstanding folk. Why, Martha McGillicuddy is one of the kindest, most selfless women ever to grace our town. (EDNA lets out another harrumph.)
WINK: “Selfless” is a rather strong word, don’t you think?EDNA: I’ve got a stronger one.ERNIE: Edna! (To WINK.) Look, Mr. Smiley. I know what you’re trying
to do. You’re trying to get us to say something bad about the McGillicuddys. Well, we’re not going to fall for it.
WINK: Now, hold on—ERNIE: We’ve got a saying around these parts, Mr. Smiley. Gossiping
about somebody is like feeding a pig in a windstorm. You just get a lot of slop all over yourself, and in the end, neither you nor the pig are happy.
WINK: But—ERNIE: Now, if you don’t mind, Wilbur and I have some newspapers to
collect. (Stands.) Goodbye, Mr. Smiley.WINK: Goodbye, Mr. Hochelmeier. We’ll be back.ERNIE: I’m sure you will. (WINK steps “outside” and crosses FORESTAGE
RIGHT. NORA starts to follow when EDNA serves up a fresh plate of pancakes.)
EDNA: Would you like to take some pancakes with you?NORA: You bet! (Races back and grabs the stack of pancakes with her
hand.) Thanks, Mrs. Hochelmeier! (Chomps on the pancakes, rushes “outside,” and catches up to WINK.) Nice folks, the Hochelmeiers.
WINK: Yeah. They’re all right.NORA: Too bad they didn’t give us anything to work with.WINK: Are you kidding? They gave us plenty to work with. We just have
to do some creative editing.NORA: Oh. (WINK EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT, whistling cheerfully.) Wait,
what? (Hurries OFF FORESTAGE RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Eight
ACT ONEScene Nine
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, a week later. JOE busies himself behind the counter. FRED and ERNIE ENTER DOWN LEFT, carrying a TV. The rest of the TOWNSFOLK file in behind them.
ERNIE: (On TV.) You just get a lot of slop all over yourself, and in the end, neither you nor the pig are happy.
MARTHA: So I’m a pig now, am I?ERNIE: I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the other pig—MARTHA: Edna Hochelmeier, this is the last straw! Our friendship is over!EDNA: But Martha!MARTHA: And as for you, Ernie Hochelmeier—TOWNSFOLK: Shhh! (On TV — Shot of JOE. [NOTE: The following pre-
recorded video is not of a previous scene.])WINK: (On TV.) Meet Joe Goode. He runs the Rise ’n’ Shine Diner,
which serves as the main gathering place for the town. People say Joe is a shoe-in for the annual pie-baking contest. After all, he’s won every year for the last twelve years.
JOE: Thirteen, actually, but who’s counting?WINK: (On TV.) People also say he’s the friendliest guy in town. Of
course, he’s friendlier with some folks than others. In this secret footage, we see how he “helps” one of his neighbors. (On TV — Shot of JOE creeping up to a door at night.)
JOE: (On TV, whispers.) Hey! Are you up? I said, are you up?MARTHA: (On TV — MARTHA appears at the door in her bathrobe and
looks around furtively.) Come on in, Joe. I’ve been waiting for you.WINK: (On TV.) The woman? None other than Martha McGillicuddy
herself. (POLLY EXITS DOWN LEFT. JOE doesn’t see her go. [NOTE: As the scene continues, the TV remains on with a commercial or other scenes from the show as desired. VOLUME should FADE UNDER dialogue.])
ERNIE: Joe!HORACE: Martha!JOE: How did he get that?ERNIE: Do you deny that’s you, Joe?JOE: No. Of course it’s me. You can tell just by looking at me.HORACE: I’m not a fighting man, Joe, but if you think I’m going to let
you go sneaking around with my wife—MARTHA: For heaven’s sake, Horace. We weren’t sneaking around.
He was teaching me how to bake.JOE: That’s right. Even you said her pies taste like they were made out
of garbage. (EVERYONE gasps.) Oops.MARTHA: I’ve never been so humiliated in my life! And by my own
husband! (Storms OFF LEFT.)HORACE: Martha! Darling! Don’t take it the wrong way! I love the taste
of your garbage! (Follows her OFF LEFT.)
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JOE: Stop right there.ERNIE: What’s the matter?JOE: You know I don’t allow TVs in here.FRED: Come on, Joe. Everybody wants to see how the show turned out.JOE: Then why don’t you watch it down at the barbershop? They
already have a TV.ERNIE: There’s not enough room for everybody down there.FRED: And besides, the conversation’s a whole lot better here.JOE: All right. You can leave the TV. But if there are any commercials
for personal hygiene products, out it goes.FRED: Thanks, Joe. (FRED and ERNIE set the TV on the counter. [If using
a pre-recorded video, face the TV DOWNSTAGE. If using pre-recorded audio only, face the TV UPSTAGE. See PRODUCTION NOTES.] The TOWNSFOLK crowd around so they can see it.)
MISS CROTCHET: Put on channel five, Fred.FRED: Yes, Miss Crotchet. I know. (Turns on the TV and a prerecorded
sequence depicting the first episode of the reality show begins.)ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: (On TV.) And now it’s time for America’s newest
hit show…CHARLIE: How can it be a hit? It ain’t even been on the air yet.FRED: Shhh! (On TV — Graphic reads “Paradise Lost.”)ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: (On TV.) …Paradise Lost!GERTIE: Hold on there. Did he say Paradise Lost?CHARLIE: I thought they were calling it Paradise on Earth.EDNA: Must be a typo. (POLLY marches IN to talk to JOE, but sees the
crowd and decides to hang back. On TV — Close-up shot of WINK.)WINK: (On TV.) Hi. I’m Wink Smiley, and I’d like to welcome you to
Paradise Junction. To a stranger, this may look like any small town. The houses are neatly painted. The lawns are freshly mowed. (On TV — Shots of houses and lawns.)
FRED: Hey, look, Big Finn! That’s your house!BIG FINN: Wow, I never dreamed it would be famous!WINK: (On TV.) But this town isn’t just any town.GERTIE: Here it comes!BIG FINN: I’m so proud, I could bust my buttons!WINK: (On TV.) For underneath this idyllic veneer lies a cesspool of
hypocrisy and corruption.EDNA: What did he say?!CHARLIE: I don’t know. I’m not sure he’s even speaking English.
WINK: (On TV.) Mayor Flo is the nominal head of this town, but if the catfish are biting, she’s nowhere to be found. That’s when the town is ruled by this woman… (On TV — Shot of MARTHA looking angry when her face revealed more than her words. [NOTE: Individual expressions and lines from this pre-recorded video should seem identical to those in Scene Eight. See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) …Martha McGillicuddy.
GERTIE: Hey look, Martha! It’s you!FRED: Why do you look so mad, Martha?CHARLIE: Did you get a bee in your bonnet? (EVERYONE laughs.)WINK: (On TV.) Martha and her husband Horace are relative newcomers
to Paradise Junction, having moved here just three years ago. Since that time, they’ve established a successful business and taken their place among the town’s cultural elite. And yet, despite their many achievements, one still eludes Martha: winning a blue ribbon in the annual pie-baking contest. (On TV — Shot of EDNA.) Edna Hochelmeier, you know Martha McGillicuddy as well as anyone. How would you describe her culinary skills?
EDNA: (On TV.) Well, you know what they say. Some folks were meant to cook, and some were meant to eat.
MARTHA: Just what do you mean by that, Edna?WINK: (On TV.) So you don’t think she has a chance of winning the
blue ribbon this year?EDNA: (On TV.) A snowball would have a better chance of surviving a
heat wave.MARTHA: What?!WINK: (On TV.) I understand Martha uses a special ingredient in her
pies. Do you know what that might be?EDNA: (On TV.) I’m not sure, but I would guess the answer is rocks.
(EVERYONE gasps.)MARTHA: So I cook with rocks, do I?EDNA: That’s not what I said!CHARLIE: Sorry, Edna, but the TV doesn’t lie.FRED: That’s right. Aren’t those your lips moving around up there?GERTIE: And ain’t those your words coming out of them?EDNA: Yes, but you don’t understand! They—GERTIE: Shhhh! (On TV — Shot of ERNIE eating pancakes.)WINK: (On TV.) What about you, Mr. Hochelmeier? You were the pie-
baking contest judge for many years. What’s it like to eat one of Martha’s pies?
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JOE: Stop right there.ERNIE: What’s the matter?JOE: You know I don’t allow TVs in here.FRED: Come on, Joe. Everybody wants to see how the show turned out.JOE: Then why don’t you watch it down at the barbershop? They
already have a TV.ERNIE: There’s not enough room for everybody down there.FRED: And besides, the conversation’s a whole lot better here.JOE: All right. You can leave the TV. But if there are any commercials
for personal hygiene products, out it goes.FRED: Thanks, Joe. (FRED and ERNIE set the TV on the counter. [If using
a pre-recorded video, face the TV DOWNSTAGE. If using pre-recorded audio only, face the TV UPSTAGE. See PRODUCTION NOTES.] The TOWNSFOLK crowd around so they can see it.)
MISS CROTCHET: Put on channel five, Fred.FRED: Yes, Miss Crotchet. I know. (Turns on the TV and a prerecorded
sequence depicting the first episode of the reality show begins.)ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: (On TV.) And now it’s time for America’s newest
hit show…CHARLIE: How can it be a hit? It ain’t even been on the air yet.FRED: Shhh! (On TV — Graphic reads “Paradise Lost.”)ANNOUNCER’S VOICE: (On TV.) …Paradise Lost!GERTIE: Hold on there. Did he say Paradise Lost?CHARLIE: I thought they were calling it Paradise on Earth.EDNA: Must be a typo. (POLLY marches IN to talk to JOE, but sees the
crowd and decides to hang back. On TV — Close-up shot of WINK.)WINK: (On TV.) Hi. I’m Wink Smiley, and I’d like to welcome you to
Paradise Junction. To a stranger, this may look like any small town. The houses are neatly painted. The lawns are freshly mowed. (On TV — Shots of houses and lawns.)
FRED: Hey, look, Big Finn! That’s your house!BIG FINN: Wow, I never dreamed it would be famous!WINK: (On TV.) But this town isn’t just any town.GERTIE: Here it comes!BIG FINN: I’m so proud, I could bust my buttons!WINK: (On TV.) For underneath this idyllic veneer lies a cesspool of
hypocrisy and corruption.EDNA: What did he say?!CHARLIE: I don’t know. I’m not sure he’s even speaking English.
WINK: (On TV.) Mayor Flo is the nominal head of this town, but if the catfish are biting, she’s nowhere to be found. That’s when the town is ruled by this woman… (On TV — Shot of MARTHA looking angry when her face revealed more than her words. [NOTE: Individual expressions and lines from this pre-recorded video should seem identical to those in Scene Eight. See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) …Martha McGillicuddy.
GERTIE: Hey look, Martha! It’s you!FRED: Why do you look so mad, Martha?CHARLIE: Did you get a bee in your bonnet? (EVERYONE laughs.)WINK: (On TV.) Martha and her husband Horace are relative newcomers
to Paradise Junction, having moved here just three years ago. Since that time, they’ve established a successful business and taken their place among the town’s cultural elite. And yet, despite their many achievements, one still eludes Martha: winning a blue ribbon in the annual pie-baking contest. (On TV — Shot of EDNA.) Edna Hochelmeier, you know Martha McGillicuddy as well as anyone. How would you describe her culinary skills?
EDNA: (On TV.) Well, you know what they say. Some folks were meant to cook, and some were meant to eat.
MARTHA: Just what do you mean by that, Edna?WINK: (On TV.) So you don’t think she has a chance of winning the
blue ribbon this year?EDNA: (On TV.) A snowball would have a better chance of surviving a
heat wave.MARTHA: What?!WINK: (On TV.) I understand Martha uses a special ingredient in her
pies. Do you know what that might be?EDNA: (On TV.) I’m not sure, but I would guess the answer is rocks.
(EVERYONE gasps.)MARTHA: So I cook with rocks, do I?EDNA: That’s not what I said!CHARLIE: Sorry, Edna, but the TV doesn’t lie.FRED: That’s right. Aren’t those your lips moving around up there?GERTIE: And ain’t those your words coming out of them?EDNA: Yes, but you don’t understand! They—GERTIE: Shhhh! (On TV — Shot of ERNIE eating pancakes.)WINK: (On TV.) What about you, Mr. Hochelmeier? You were the pie-
baking contest judge for many years. What’s it like to eat one of Martha’s pies?
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WINK: Everybody?ERNIE: Yes, Mr. Smiley. Everybody.WINK: What about the McGillicuddys? I understand some people feel
they don’t really belong here.ERNIE: I don’t know where you heard that. The McGillicuddys are
fine, upstanding folk. Why, Martha McGillicuddy is one of the kindest, most selfless women ever to grace our town. (EDNA lets out another harrumph.)
WINK: “Selfless” is a rather strong word, don’t you think?EDNA: I’ve got a stronger one.ERNIE: Edna! (To WINK.) Look, Mr. Smiley. I know what you’re trying
to do. You’re trying to get us to say something bad about the McGillicuddys. Well, we’re not going to fall for it.
WINK: Now, hold on—ERNIE: We’ve got a saying around these parts, Mr. Smiley. Gossiping
about somebody is like feeding a pig in a windstorm. You just get a lot of slop all over yourself, and in the end, neither you nor the pig are happy.
WINK: But—ERNIE: Now, if you don’t mind, Wilbur and I have some newspapers to
collect. (Stands.) Goodbye, Mr. Smiley.WINK: Goodbye, Mr. Hochelmeier. We’ll be back.ERNIE: I’m sure you will. (WINK steps “outside” and crosses FORESTAGE
RIGHT. NORA starts to follow when EDNA serves up a fresh plate of pancakes.)
EDNA: Would you like to take some pancakes with you?NORA: You bet! (Races back and grabs the stack of pancakes with her
hand.) Thanks, Mrs. Hochelmeier! (Chomps on the pancakes, rushes “outside,” and catches up to WINK.) Nice folks, the Hochelmeiers.
WINK: Yeah. They’re all right.NORA: Too bad they didn’t give us anything to work with.WINK: Are you kidding? They gave us plenty to work with. We just have
to do some creative editing.NORA: Oh. (WINK EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT, whistling cheerfully.) Wait,
what? (Hurries OFF FORESTAGE RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Eight
ACT ONEScene Nine
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, a week later. JOE busies himself behind the counter. FRED and ERNIE ENTER DOWN LEFT, carrying a TV. The rest of the TOWNSFOLK file in behind them.
ERNIE: (On TV.) You just get a lot of slop all over yourself, and in the end, neither you nor the pig are happy.
MARTHA: So I’m a pig now, am I?ERNIE: I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the other pig—MARTHA: Edna Hochelmeier, this is the last straw! Our friendship is over!EDNA: But Martha!MARTHA: And as for you, Ernie Hochelmeier—TOWNSFOLK: Shhh! (On TV — Shot of JOE. [NOTE: The following pre-
recorded video is not of a previous scene.])WINK: (On TV.) Meet Joe Goode. He runs the Rise ’n’ Shine Diner,
which serves as the main gathering place for the town. People say Joe is a shoe-in for the annual pie-baking contest. After all, he’s won every year for the last twelve years.
JOE: Thirteen, actually, but who’s counting?WINK: (On TV.) People also say he’s the friendliest guy in town. Of
course, he’s friendlier with some folks than others. In this secret footage, we see how he “helps” one of his neighbors. (On TV — Shot of JOE creeping up to a door at night.)
JOE: (On TV, whispers.) Hey! Are you up? I said, are you up?MARTHA: (On TV — MARTHA appears at the door in her bathrobe and
looks around furtively.) Come on in, Joe. I’ve been waiting for you.WINK: (On TV.) The woman? None other than Martha McGillicuddy
herself. (POLLY EXITS DOWN LEFT. JOE doesn’t see her go. [NOTE: As the scene continues, the TV remains on with a commercial or other scenes from the show as desired. VOLUME should FADE UNDER dialogue.])
ERNIE: Joe!HORACE: Martha!JOE: How did he get that?ERNIE: Do you deny that’s you, Joe?JOE: No. Of course it’s me. You can tell just by looking at me.HORACE: I’m not a fighting man, Joe, but if you think I’m going to let
you go sneaking around with my wife—MARTHA: For heaven’s sake, Horace. We weren’t sneaking around.
He was teaching me how to bake.JOE: That’s right. Even you said her pies taste like they were made out
of garbage. (EVERYONE gasps.) Oops.MARTHA: I’ve never been so humiliated in my life! And by my own
husband! (Storms OFF LEFT.)HORACE: Martha! Darling! Don’t take it the wrong way! I love the taste
of your garbage! (Follows her OFF LEFT.)
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WINK: Well, I can’t put this on the air. People would switch to something more exciting. Like the Snoring Channel.
ERNIE: Sorry, Mr. Smiley. Can we try again?WINK: All right. But this time, let’s try to make it interesting.ERNIE: (Wooden.) So, Son, what do you have planned for today?WILBUR: (Just as wooden.) I was hoping I could borrow the little red
wagon, Father.ERNIE: The little red wagon? Aren’t you a little old to be playing with
a child’s toy?WILBUR: It’s not for me, Father. It’s for the poor. My Eagle Scout troop
is organizing a paper drive.ERNIE: What would the poor want with some musty old newspapers?WILBUR: We’re not giving the newspapers to the poor, Father. We’re
taking them to the recycling center and donating the proceeds to the poor.
ERNIE: That sounds like a mighty fine cause, Son. In fact, it’s so fine, I’d be honored to drive you around town myself.
WILBUR: Gee, you’re a great father, Father.ERNIE: And you’re a great son, Son. (They turn to the camera and grin.)WINK: Are you people for real? Because you don’t sound real. You
sound like robots. No, wait. Not robots. What has less personality than robots?
EDNA: I’m not sure, but I would guess the answer is rocks.WINK: Bingo. You’re very boring rocks.ERNIE: But you told us to be ourselves.WINK: That was before I knew who you were.ERNIE: Huh?WINK: Come on, Nora. Let’s go.ERNIE: What’s wrong?WINK: It’s just that— Oh, never mind.ERNIE: No, please. Tell us what you need, Mr. Smiley.WINK: I need honesty. I need you to tell me the truth, no matter who
gets hurt.ERNIE: I’m not sure I understand.WINK: Look, I was sent here to figure out what makes your town
special, what makes your town unique. Well, I’ve been here twenty-four hours now, and I still haven’t found any magic.
ERNIE: Oh, there’s nothing magic about Paradise Junction, Mr. Smiley. Everybody cares about each other is all. (EDNA lets out a harrumph.)
ERNIE: Is that the absolute truth, Joe? About you teaching Martha to bake?
JOE: You know it is, Ernie. Horace had asked for my pie recipe, and I thought I could do better than that, so I was helping her bake a pie for the contest.
ERNIE: Well, that’s too bad, because that’s even worse.JOE: How is it worse?ERNIE: Because it’s against the rules, Joe. The official rulebook
states, and I quote, “No contestant may receive assistance from another contestant.”
JOE: It wasn’t assistance, exactly. More like a rescue mission.ERNIE: Sorry, Joe, but I’ve got no choice. I’m disqualifying the both of
you from this year’s pie baking contest.MISS CROTCHET: Whoopee! I finally have a chance this year! (JOE
looks at her.) I mean, I’m sorry to hear that, Joe.JOE: That’s all right, Miss Crotchet. It was about time I hung up my
apron anyway. I just hope that’s the end of the trouble. (On TV — Close-up shot of WINK. VOLUME UP.)
WINK: (On TV.) Tune in again next week for more tales of treachery and deception on Paradise Lost! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Nine
ACT ONEScene Ten
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, the next day. A banner reads: “Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest.” GERTIE sits at the judge’s table, where a large trophy is on display. TOWNSFOLK ENTER with pies. They talk among themselves, but there’s an uneasiness in the air as though the whole town is on edge. WINK and NORA wander among the crowd, filming everyone and everything. JOE and FRED meet in the crowd.JOE: Hey, Fred. Have you seen Polly around?FRED: No, I don’t think she’s shown up yet. Why?JOE: It’s not like Polly to miss a big news story like this. How are
people going to know who won if she doesn’t print it in the paper?FRED: Joe, everybody in town is here. We’re all going to know.JOE: Well, I just think she ought to be here is all. (EXITS RIGHT.)GERTIE: (Rises to address the CROWD.) Quiet down, everybody. Quiet
down now. (The CROWD falls silent.) That’s better. I’d like to welcome you all to the annual Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest. The festivities are just getting started and—ooh-wee!—there sure are a lot of pies headed this way. I guess with Joe out of the picture, everybody in town wants to see if they can win the big prize. (Holds
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NORA: How can you possibly be this peppy on an empty stomach?WINK: The thrill of the hunt, my friend. When I smell blood, I’m like a
lion on the prowl. All my muscles tense up. All my senses go on the alert. Haven’t you ever felt like that?
NORA: Only when I see a cheese danish.WINK: You can feed your face later. Right now, we’re going to make a
surprise call on the Hochelmeiers.NORA: A surprise call? But it’s five a.m.! They’re probably still in
their pajamas!WINK: Good point. I’ll see if I can arrange a product placement deal
with the pajama manufacturer. Now get ready. We’re going in. (NORA readies her camera. They barge into the house.)
EDNA: Why, hello, Mr.—WINK: Aha! (ERNIE and WILBUR look up from their pancakes.)ERNIE: Good morning, Mr. Smiley. Beautiful day, isn’t it?WINK: What’s the matter with you? You’re wide awake!ERNIE: Of course we’re awake. It’s five a.m.! This is the most
productive part of the day.NORA: That’s what he said.WINK: Shut up, Nora.EDNA: Would you like some pancakes?NORA: Yes, I would! (Plops down at the table, but WINK yanks her back
to her feet.)WINK: Oh, no. We wouldn’t want you to go to all that trouble. Would
we, Nora?NORA: Uh, no. (Resumes filming, reluctant.)ERNIE: Actually, it’s no trouble at all.EDNA: That’s right. After all, you know what they say. Some folks were
meant to cook, and some were meant to eat.WINK: Maybe later. We have to get some footage for the show first.ERNIE: What would you like us to do, Mr. Smiley?WINK: I don’t want you to “do” anything. Just be yourselves. We’ll let
the drama arise from the moment.ERNIE: If you say so. (ERNIE and WILBUR return to their pancakes,
chewing silently as they stare straight ahead.)WINK: Cut! Cut! Cut!ERNIE: What’s the matter?WINK: What do you think is the matter? I need you to talk!EDNA: But they’re hungry, Mr. Smiley. You’d have a better chance of
getting a snowball to survive a heat wave.
up the trophy. The TOWNSFOLK cheer.) Well, good luck, and may the best chef win! (LOTTE and MISS CROTCHET meet in the crowd.)
MISS CROTCHET: Oh, Miss LaRue, that pie looks absolutely delicious.LOTTE: I should hope so. I was up until midnight last night baking it.
(WINK whispers in MISS CROTCHET’S ear.)MISS CROTCHET: Are you sure it was you who did the baking?LOTTE: What are you implying, Miss Crotchet?MISS CROTCHET: Nothing. It’s just a rumor I heard.LOTTE: Uh-huh. And what rumor was that?MISS CROTCHET: Well, don’t let on that I told you, but some people
are saying Martha wasn’t the only one who got help from Joe. Some people are saying you might have gotten help as well.
LOTTE: You take that back, Miss Crotchet!MISS CROTCHET: What’s there to take back? I never said it in the
first place.LOTTE: You take that back, or I’ll… I’ll—MISS CROTCHET: You’ll what, Miss LaRue?LOTTE: I’ll… this! (Throws her pie in MISS CROTCHET’S face. Stunned,
MISS CROTCHET throws her pie in LOTTE’S face. CHARLIE and BIG FINN meet in the crowd.)
CHARLIE: What you got there, Big Finn?BIG FINN: What do you think it is, Charlie? It’s a pie for the contest.CHARLIE: A pie? I didn’t know you could bake.BIG FINN: Why, sure, I can bake. Sometimes.CHARLIE: Then why haven’t you entered the contest before?BIG FINN: I guess I never had a pie good enough before. (WINK
whispers in CHARLIE’S ear.)CHARLIE: Aw, I bet you didn’t cook that pie at all. I bet you bought it
at the Higgledy Piggledy in Centerville.BIG FINN: Oh, yeah? Does this taste like it came from the Higgledy
Piggledy? (Throws his pie in CHARLIE’S face. CHARLIE throws his pie in BIG FINN’S face. WINK moves on, whispering to the next pair of contestants and the next until every pie has been thrown but one. EDNA snakes her way through the crowd, carefully holding the last remaining pie above the chaos.)
EDNA: (Arrives at the judge’s table.) Whew! I made it!GERTIE: Well, I’ll be a blue-nosed gopher. Looks like you’re the only
contestant left, Edna.EDNA: Does that mean I won?
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WINK: Have they always been like this?MISS CROTCHET: Pretty much.GERTIE: It all started three years ago, right after the McGillicuddys
moved here.MISS CROTCHET: The Women’s Arts League wanted to put up a statue
of Lady Liberty, only they didn’t have enough money in their budget.GERTIE: That’s when Horace McGillicuddy comes along with all his
big-city money.MISS CROTCHET: Horace tells everybody he’ll pay for the statue as
long as he gets to design it. Well, the Women’s Arts League was so excited by his offer, they agreed.
GERTIE: I always said it was a bad deal.MISS CROTCHET: The day came for the unveiling. The town threw a
big parade with floats and marching bands and everything.GERTIE: Why, people came from miles around to see it.MISS CROTCHET: As soon as the parade was over, Mayor Flo pulled
the sheet off the statue, and a big gasp went up from the crowd. People had never seen such a thing.
WINK: What’s the matter? Wasn’t the statue any good?GERTIE: Oh, no. It was very good. In fact, it looked just like a real
person.WINK: So what was the problem?GERTIE: The person it looked like was Martha. Horace had used her
as the model.MISS CROTCHET: Well, Edna got so mad she kicked Martha right out
of the Women’s Arts League. So Martha started her own group and called it the Ladies’ Culture Committee.
GERTIE: Those two haven’t seen eye to eye since.WINK: (Looks over at MARTHA and EDNA. They’re still going at it.) Nora,
I think we’ve found our hook. (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Seven
ACT ONEScene Eight
LIGHTS UP: The Hochelmeiers’ home, early the next morning. EDNA serves pancakes. ERNIE and WILBUR sit at the table eating them. WINK and NORA ENTER from the FORESTAGE RIGHT and approach the “house” as if from the yard.NORA: I don’t know why we had to get up so early. I haven’t even had
breakfast yet.WINK: Quit complaining. This is the most productive time of the day.
GERTIE: Not yet. According to the official rulebook, I’ve got to taste it first.
EDNA: Well, here, Gertie. Take a big piece. (Holds out the pie. GERTIE is about to plunge her fork into it when someone bumps into EDNA, and she falls face first into her own pie. EDNA sobs. JOE ENTERS RIGHT. FRED goes to him.)
FRED: Hey, Joe. You still looking for Polly?JOE: I sure am. Do you know where she is?FRED: Old Man Crothers saw her down by the train station. Says she
was buying a ticket to New York City.JOE: New York City? What would she want to go there for?FRED: You ought to know that better than anyone, Joe. Didn’t she
always say her dream was to work for a big-city newspaper?JOE: Well, sure, but— Nah, Polly wouldn’t up and leave like that. I bet
she just went there to look around. You know, do some sightseeing and all.
FRED: I don’t think so, Joe. It was a one-way ticket.JOE: Well, that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, sure, we had some
harsh words last time we spoke, but I didn’t think she’d ever leave Paradise Junction. At least not without saying goodbye.
FRED: Sorry, Joe, but you know what they say. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
JOE: No, Fred. There’s only one fish. And her name is Polly Ann Day. (EXITS LEFT.)
GERTIE: (Rises to address the CROWD.) I’ve got some bad news, folks. For the first time in the history of the Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest, there is no winner. You’ve all disqualified yourselves. And a sorrier sight I never did see. This competition is over. Over! (EXITS, disgusted.)
NORA: (Stops filming.) Well, I hope you’re happy.WINK: Happy? I’m ecstatic. Everything went just the way I planned.NORA: But you made the townspeople look like fools.WINK: Correction, my friend. The townspeople made themselves look
like fools. We were just here to record it.NORA: You know, if I had any self-respect, I’d quit this job right now.WINK: Because of this? This is nothing. Just wait until you see what
I’ve got planned for the season finale. Our ratings are going to go through the roof! (CURTAIN.)
End of ACT ONE
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forward with two batons upheld.) Stand back, Mr. Smiley. I don’t want your hair to get singed.
WINK: Stop, everyone! Just stop! (The TOWNSFOLK fall silent. MARTHA and EDNA drag ARABELLA and WILBUR aside so they can continue their argument.) Look, I’m sure you’re all very talented, but I’m not looking for talent.
LOTTE: Oh! (Faints.)GERTIE: But I thought you wanted us to be entertaining.WINK: Of course I want you to be entertaining. But people aren’t
entertained by cheesy circus acts anymore. They’d rather watch people like themselves. They want to see how you live. They want to know about your problems, your struggles.
BIG FINN: Just yesterday we helped get Cindy’s kitten out of a tree.WINK: No, no, no. I don’t want kittens. I want conflict. I want
heartbreak. I want betrayal. You know, all the things that make this country great.
MISS CROTCHET: Oh, we don’t have anything like that.FRED: She’s right. Everybody pretty much gets along here.WINK: That seems too good to be true.TOWNSFOLK: Then you must be in Paradise Junction!WINK: (Pulls NORA aside, stunned.) I don’t get it. Why did Tina send us
to this Ritz cracker of a town?NORA: She said Paradise Junction had magical powers.WINK: Magical powers? The only power I see is the power to put
people to sleep.NORA: I don’t know. I think it’s kind of sweet.WINK: Sweet? Sweet?! Listen, my friend. Sweet is boring. Sweet is
what gets you cancelled. We need a hook. We need something that will glue people’s eyeballs to their TV sets. (As the room falls silent again, we hear EDNA and MARTHA arguing.)
EDNA: Martha, I admit Arabella is a very gifted young woman, but I’m not sure you realize how difficult it is to play Beethoven using ordinary eating utensils.
MARTHA: (Her words are calm, but her face reveals much more.) Not at all, Edna. I’m sure it’s very difficult. What I’m not sure about is whether Beethoven has stopped spinning in his grave yet.
WINK: Wait a minute. What’s that?MISS CROTCHET: That’s Edna and Martha.WINK: Sounds like they’re arguing.GERTIE: Oh, no. That’s just the way they talk.
ACT TWOScene One
CURTAIN UP: Town Square, a few weeks later. SAM and SAL sit in their lawn chairs in front of the fountain. TOURIST DAD, TOURIST MOM, and TOURIST GIRL ENTER LEFT, looking around in awe.TOURIST MOM: Look, honey! Can you believe it?TOURIST DAD: This is where they film Paradise Lost!TOURIST GIRL: Wow! This looks just like a real town.TOURIST MOM: That’s the magic of Hollywood for you.TOURIST DAD: It’s all done with CGI these days. (The TOURIST FAMILY
continues to explore. They pull out phones and cameras, taking pictures of everything they see.)
SAL: There sure are a lot of new faces in town, Sam.SAM: Yeah. That’s what they call the paparoozi.SAL: Paparoozi?SAM: You know. The kind of folks that like to follow famous folks around.SAL: Are we famous, Sam?SAM: I don’t know. That’s why I brought us into town. I want to see
if anybody recognizes us. (MISS CROTCHET ENTERS RIGHT, talking on her phone.)
SAL: Here comes Miss Crotchet. I bet she’ll recognize us.SAM: I don’t think she counts.SAL: Hey there, Miss Crotchet.SAM: How are you doing this fine day?MISS CROTCHET: (On the phone.) Sorry, Mr. Edwards, but I won’t
be able to make it into school this week. Today I’m doing a big photo shoot for TV Weekly, tomorrow I’m appearing on The Okra Winstead Show, and Wednesday I’m launching my new line of designer hats… Yes, I know I’m the only teacher in town, but can’t the students teach themselves? (EXITS LEFT.)
SAL: What’s the matter with her?SAM: I think she’s gone Hollywood. (LOTTE ENTERS LEFT, talking on
her phone.)SAL: Howdy-do, Miss LaRue.SAM: It’s always good to see you.LOTTE: (On the phone.) You heard me, Al. I want you to gut the entire
studio. I’m converting the place into a tanning salon. No, wait. Not a salon. An academy. That’s it! Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Heliophilic Arts! (EXITS RIGHT.)
SAL: Well, don’t that beat all!
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ARABELLA: (Goes to help Wilbur.) Here, Wilbur. You’ve got to start low to the ground, like this. Next, circle your arms above your head. There you go. You’re getting it. Now, spread your arms outward as you slowly rise to your feet. See? It’s easy!
WILBUR: Gee, thanks, Arabella. That helps a lot.MARTHA: Arabella McGillicuddy, what are you doing?ARABELLA: I’m helping Wilbur germinate.MARTHA: Oh, no, you don’t, young lady. You’re much too young to be
germinating with boys. And besides, you shouldn’t be talking to Wilbur at all. He is the competition, after all. (WILBUR sags.)
LOTTE: Oh, no, class! Look! Wilbur is wilting! We’ve got to do something. Wait. I know. Let’s all be rainclouds. Come on, everyone! Drizzle for Wilbur! Drizzle, drizzle, drizzle!
WINK: (To NORA.) What is this? Invasion of the Weirdos? (Noticing WINK, MARTHA screams.)
LOTTE: What’s the matter, Martha?MARTHA: (Points at WINK.) There’s a strange man watching us.EDNA: That’s no man! That’s Wink Smiley! (EVERYONE rushes over,
mobbing WINK. NORA continues filming.)WINK: Give me room, folks. Give me room. I just had my hair
professionally dry-cleaned. (EVERYONE steps back as WINK moves DOWNSTAGE. NORA pans the room, eventually focusing on BIG FINN.)
BIG FINN: (Waves.) Hi, Mom!WINK: Nora, you’re letting the camera drift again. (Turns the camera
toward himself.) Greetings, townspeople! As I’m sure you know, my name is Wink Smiley, and I’m going to be the host of Paradise on Earth. I can’t wait to tell the world about this wonderful little town you’ve got here. But before I do that, I want to get to know you. I want to understand what makes each and every one of you special.
GERTIE: I’ve got a bunion that looks like Millard Fillmore. (Starts to remove her shoe.)
WINK: No! Please! The network has a strict policy against political statements!
WILBUR: How about this, Mr. Smiley? I can play Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony using only these two spoons. (Pulls two spoons out of his pocket and proceeds to whack himself with them.)
WINK: (To NORA.) I hope he doesn’t use those to eat with.MARTHA: If you’re going to put anyone on your show, Mr. Smiley, it’s
got to be my daughter Arabella. She can twirl two flaming batons at the same time! (Pulls out a cigarette lighter. ARABELLA comes
SAM: Seems like everybody’s gone Hollywood. (CINDY ENTERS RIGHT, talking on her phone and carrying a cat.)
SAL: Ah. Here’s somebody we can count on to keep a level head.CINDY: (On the phone.) Ten grand? What do you think I am? A
pushover? Listen, J.J., if you want Mr. Whiskers to hawk your lousy cat food, you’re going to have to come up with a lot more scratch than that… How much? Well, why don’t you start counting at a hundred grand, and I’ll tell you when to stop. (EXITS LEFT.)
SAL: That is one hard-driving cat.TOURIST GIRL: (Notices SAM and SAL.) Hey, Mom! Look! There are
those two guys from the show!TOURIST MOM: Oh, wow! I love those guys!TOURIST DAD: What are their names again?TOURIST MOM: Jim and Jem, I think.TOURIST GIRL: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Tim and Tam. (The TOURIST
FAMILY approaches SAM and SAL.)TOURIST DAD: We hate to bother you, but we just want to tell you how
much we love your show.TOURIST MOM: Oh, yes. You two are our absolute favorites.SAL: Why, thank you, ma’am.SAM: We’re always glad to hear from our—TOURIST MOM: Do you mind if we take your picture?SAL: Uh, no.SAM: Not if we can stay sitting down.TOURIST DAD: Ha! You guys crack me up. (The TOURIST FAMILY poses
for a group selfie, but they’re so focused on themselves, they don’t realize they’re blocking SAM and SAL.)
TOURIST GIRL: (Snaps the picture.) My friends are going to be so jealous.TOURIST DAD: Oh, hey. Before we go, can you say your catch phrase
for us?SAM: Catch phrase?TOURIST DAD: Yeah, you know. That thing you always say.TOURIST MOM: The one that always makes us laugh.SAM: I’m not sure I’m following you.TOURIST GIRL: You know. “If things seem too good to be true…”SAM: Oh!SAM/SAL: …then you must be in Paradise Junction! (The TOURIST
FAMILY bursts out laughing.)TOURIST MOM: Ha! That’s it!
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ACT ONEScene Seven
LIGHTS UP: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts, a few days later. LOTTE leads a dance class consisting of most of the TOWNSFOLK, who crouch low to the floor.LOTTE: Remember, students, you are a garden of flowers, and the
ceiling is the sun. Now grow, all of you. Grow towards the sun! (ALL reach half-heartedly for the ceiling.) Higher now. Higher! (Losing his balance, WILBUR falls flat on his face. ALL laugh.) Wilbur Hochelmeier, you stop that immediately! You’re distracting the other students!
WILBUR: Sorry, Miss LaRue. I’m doing the best I can. It’s just that when I stick my petals in the air, my roots get all tangled up.
LOTTE: This isn’t about petals and roots. This is about getting in touch with the flower inside you.
WILBUR: The flower inside me?LOTTE: Yes, Wilbur. Each person has a rare and precious flower inside
them. Now what kind of flower is inside you?WILBUR: A cauliflower? (ALL laugh.) No, really! We had some for
dinner last night!LOTTE: You people are not taking this seriously! Wink Smiley is going
to be here any minute now, and we don’t want him thinking that we’re talentless rubes.
MARTHA: Well, I don’t see how all this cavorting around is going to land my Arabella a million dollar movie deal.
MISS CROTCHET: Martha has a point. This is supposed to be a reality show. Don’t we want to give them, you know, reality?
LOTTE: Of course we want to give them reality. But what’s wrong with improving on that reality a little?
EDNA: I think we should listen to Miss LaRue. After all, she was a big star on Broadway.
LOTTE: I don’t know about “big” star—MARTHA: Yes, well, I studied a little theatre myself, and I can tell you
we never gallivanted around, pretending to be a bunch of petunias. We were method actors.
WILBUR: Oh, I could never be a method actor. I come from a family of strict Presbyterians.
LOTTE: Why did I ever leave New York? (WINK and NORA ENTER RIGHT, staying back so no one will see them. With her hand-held TV camera, NORA starts filming the class.)
TOURIST DAD: (Mimics them.) Then you must be in Paradise Junction!TOURIST GIRL: That is so stupid! (Still laughing, the TOURIST FAMILY
EXITS RIGHT.)SAL: You know something, Sam? I don’t think I like being famous.
(BLACKOUT.)End of Scene One
ACT TWOScene Two
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day. JOE is on his phone, an old-fashioned landline. He doesn’t see NORA ENTER DOWN LEFT.JOE: (On the phone.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. I know we haven’t spoken
since you left town, but I was wondering if you were ever coming back— (To himself.) No. Too desperate. Good thing her voicemail lets me re-record. (Presses a button and tries again.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. Look, I don’t care if you ever come back or not— (To himself.) No. Too cold. (Presses a button and tries again.) Hi, Polly. It’s me, Joe. You know, the guy whose heart you ripped into a thousand little pieces— (To himself.) Oh, to heck with it. I’ll never get it right. (Presses a button and hangs up.)
NORA: I hear you make a pretty mean pie.JOE: Huh? (Turns around.) Oh. Well, no one’s ever complained to my
face about it.NORA: Do you have any apple?JOE: Sure, but if you don’t mind waiting a few minutes, I’ve got a
gooseberry pie coming out of the oven.NORA: Apple will be fine.JOE: One piece of apple pie coming up. (NORA sits at the counter. JOE
goes to get the pie.) Say, you’re that TV gal, aren’t you?NORA: That’s me.JOE: You don’t sound very happy about it.NORA: You can tell that?JOE: I can tell a lot of things.NORA: Then you should be able to tell why I’m not happy.JOE: (Sets the pie in front of NORA.) Well, I don’t know much about TV
work, but I would guess it can get pretty frazzling at times.NORA: No, it’s not that. Not really.JOE: Then what?NORA: Never mind. I really shouldn’t be telling you this. (Prepares to
stab her fork into the pie.)
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BIG FINN: Oh. Sorry.JOE: Has anybody even read the contract?LOTTE: We don’t have to read it.CHARLIE: That’s right. Don’t you trust that strange lady from the big
city who no one’s ever seen before and no one will ever see again?EDNA: As president of the Women’s Arts League—the oldest and
most distinguished arts group in town—I know I speak for all of our members when I say that this contract can only help to spread the fame of Paradise Junction.
MARTHA: Excuse me, but as president of the Ladies’ Culture Committee—the largest and most prestigious arts group in Paradise Junction—I say that fame is nothing compared to the wealth and prosperity this deal will bring to our town.
JOE: Oh, boy.ERNIE: Have you all had your say now?GERTIE: I reckon so, Ernie.ERNIE: All right then. Everybody in favor, say aye.TOWNSFOLK: Aye!HORACE: Everybody against, say nay.JOE: Nay.ERNIE: The ayes have it. (EVERYONE cheers.)ARABELLA: Just think, Mother! I’m going to be a TV star!MARTHA: Of course you are, darling. Now quit stooping. All the
blood is going to pool in your shoulders. (The TOWNSFOLK talk among themselves.)
JOE: (Spots POLLY and crosses to her.) Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself.POLLY: Of course I’m proud. Aren’t you?JOE: Me?POLLY: Yes. I managed to scoop all the big-city newspapers—even
the ones out in Hollywood—and my phone has been ringing off the hook. Do you know who just called me? The entertainment editor for the Los Angeles Times! He wanted to quote me for their own article on the show. Me! Polly Ann Day!
JOE: I… I don’t know what to say.POLLY: (Searches his eyes for some sign of pride. She doesn’t find it.)
You don’t have to say anything, Joe. Your face says it all. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.)
JOE: Polly? Polly, wait! (Runs OFF after POLLY. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Six
JOE: (Slowly pulls the plate away from her.) I wouldn’t want you to say anything you shouldn’t.
NORA: (Stares hungrily at the pie.) Well, maybe I could tell you a little bit more. (JOE slowly pushes the plate back toward NORA. NORA eagerly takes a bite.) Wow, this is good. I mean really, really good.
JOE: You were talking about your job…NORA: Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, the work’s not bad. It’s just that it can get
so… dirty. You know what I mean?JOE: No. I don’t.NORA: Well, take that first episode. You know, the one where we
interviewed the Hochelmeiers?JOE: I remember. They said some pretty mean things about Martha.NORA: Yep. Only they weren’t talking about Martha. We just twisted their
words around so it sounded like they were talking about Martha.JOE: You’re right. That is a dirty thing to do.NORA: There’s more.JOE: Like what?NORA: No. I really need to stop talking. I could lose my job. (JOE holds
up a can of whipped cream. NORA caves.) Wink was spreading rumors at the pie-baking contest.
JOE: (Squirts a dollop of whipped cream on the pie.) You don’t say.NORA: (Takes another bite. In heaven.) Yeah. He made everyone think
everyone else was cheating.JOE: So that’s why nobody in town’s been talking to each other.NORA: It gets worse.JOE: How could it get any worse?NORA: Easy. What Wink has planned for tonight’s season finale could
destroy the town.JOE: Oh, really? What’s he got planned? (NORA hesitates. JOE empties
the can of whipped cream on the pie.)NORA: (Caves again.) It has to do with the five million dollars.JOE: What? Wink’s not going to pay?NORA: Oh, no. He’ll pay. The contract says he has to pay. But the
contract doesn’t say he has to pay the town directly.JOE: Who’s he going to pay then?NORA: Whoever finds it.JOE: You know, I’ve met people who talked in circles before, but I
never met anybody who could twist those circles round and round like a pretzel.
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JOE: Miss Crotchet, don’t you remember? Last year, you almost had Wilbur Hochelmeier arrested for picking one of your prize-winning pansies. How’re you going to feel when a cameraman is trampling your whole garden? (POLLY sneaks IN DOWN LEFT.)
MISS CROTCHET: For five million dollars, they can rip the flowers out of the ground and stick them in their ears! (HORACE ENTERS DOWN LEFT.)
FRED: At least we should put it to a vote.JOE: Fred, you know we can’t put the contract to a vote until we get
the mayor’s signature on it.FRED: But we don’t even know where she is.JOE: That don’t matter. She’s got to sign it.HORACE: Hey, Joe. Did you say Mayor Flo has to approve any contract
with the TV network?JOE: Why, sure, Horace. You know that.HORACE: Well, here it is. (Whips out the contract.) Signed by Mayor
Flo herself! (The TOWNSFOLK burst into excited chatter. JOE tries to grab the contract, but HORACE yanks it away.)
JOE: What? Where did you get that?HORACE: It doesn’t matter. I got it.JOE: But no one knows where Mayor Flo went.HORACE: Tell me, Fred. Is that her signature or not? (Gives FRED only
a quick peek at the contract.)FRED: Sure looks like it.GERTIE: If the mayor signed it, that’s good enough for me.MARTHA: Let’s put it to a vote.ERNIE: We can’t put it to a vote. I’ve got to call a town meeting first.MISS CROTCHET: We can have the town meeting here. (The
TOWNSFOLK shout their agreement.)ERNIE: Oh, for heaven’s sake. Excuse me, Joe. (Squeezes behind the
counter and bangs the ladle against the pot.) Hush up, all of you! (EVERYONE falls silent.) As president of the Town Council, I hereby call this meeting to order. Would somebody like to move that we accept this here contract that Mayor Flo done signed?
MISS CROTCHET: I do, Ernie.ERNIE: Do I hear a second?MARTHA: I second it.BIG FINN: And I third it.ERNIE: How many times do I got to tell you, Big Finn? There’s no such
thing as a third.
NORA: Come on, Joe. Haven’t you wondered why Wink wanted tonight’s show to be live?
JOE: Not really. I figured that’s how they did it in Hollywood.NORA: You all are too trusting here. You see, it’s all part of his plan.
He’s going to start the show by giving a shovel to each man, woman, and child in Paradise Junction. Then he’s going to announce that five gold bars worth a million dollars each are hidden somewhere in the town.
JOE: You mean under the street?NORA: Under the street. Behind those walls. It could even be inside
your counter here.JOE: But folks will tear the town apart looking for them! They’ll dig up
the pavement, knock down homes—NORA: Exactly. And the entire country will be watching. (Sniffs the air.)
Wait a minute. Is something burning?JOE: What? No. I don’t think so. (Sniffs the air. Smelling something, he
throws open the oven.) The pie! (Removes the pie with a potholder.) Oh, no! It’s burnt to a crisp!
NORA: I’ll bet it’s your thermostat.JOE: Let me take a look. (Peers inside the oven. NORA quickly gobbles
the rest of her pie.) You’re right. This one is plum busted.NORA: (Stands.) Well, thanks for the pie, Joe. I’d better get going.JOE: What? No! You can’t go! You’ve got to tell me how to stop Wink!NORA: You can’t, Joe. Trust me. Once Wink gets an idea in his head,
no one can stop him. (EXITS DOWN LEFT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Two
ACT TWOScene Three
LIGHTS UP: The Mayor’s office, a short time later. VELMA works at the desk. She sniffles and sneezes from a cold. JOE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.JOE: Velma, you’re here!VELMA: Of course I’m here. Somebody’s got to keep the town running.JOE: I take it the mayor isn’t back yet?VELMA: No, and she hasn’t sent any word either. I’m thinking one
of those fish must have leaped onto her boat and swallowed her.JOE: Well, that would be the way she’d want to go.VELMA: Is there something I can help you with?JOE: Yeah. I was wanting to look through the TV contract. You know,
the one Mayor Flo signed on her fishing trip.
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ERNIE: Good idea. Let’s go! (Led by ERNIE, the TOWNSFOLK EXIT LEFT. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Five
ACT ONEScene Six
LIGHTS UP: Rise ‘n’ Shine Diner, immediately after. JOE wipes the counter. ERNIE ENTERS DOWN LEFT, grim.JOE: Hey, Ernie. I saved you a piece of that rhubarb pie. (Slides the pie
plate toward ERNIE. ERNIE doesn’t move.) Would you rather have blueberry? (MARTHA and EDNA ENTER DOWN LEFT, lining up next to ERNIE.) Well, ladies. What brings you here this fine morning? It’s not often you two are on the same side. (His smile fades as he realizes they’re not amused. The TOWNSFOLK, except for MAYOR FLO, VELMA, HORACE and POLLY, ENTER DOWN LEFT and crowd around the counter.) Looks like I’m going to need more pie.
ERNIE: We’re not here for pie, Joe. We’ve got something more important on our minds.
BIG FINN: We heard you killed Steven Spielberg.JOE: What?! That’s ridiculous!FRED: It says so right there in the newspaper.JOE: Let me see that. (Grabs the newspaper from MISS CROTCHET.)
It doesn’t say any such thing. It just says I refused to sell out the town for five million dollars.
MARTHA: Aha, so you admit it!JOE: Why, sure, I admit it. It’s nothing but a raw deal.GERTIE: That ain’t for you to decide, Joe.CHARLIE: The town needs that money.LOTTE: We could use it to clean up the old band shell.MARTHA: Band shell? For five million dollars, we could build a whole
performing arts center!MISS CROTCHET: Or a brand new school!BIG FINN: Or a 3D jumbotron! Right in the middle of Town Square!
(EVERYONE stares at him.) What? I saw it on Weekend Sports Tonight. (The TOWNSFOLK start arguing among themselves.)
JOE: (Bangs a ladle against a pot.) Quiet! I said, quiet! (EVERYONE falls silent.) Can’t you see this deal is only going to hurt the town? Them TV folks are going to follow us around with their cameras and pry into every nook and cranny of our lives.
CHARLIE: I’ve got nothing to hide, Joe. What are you trying to hide?TOWNSFOLK: Yeah!
VELMA: (Digs through the desk.) What for?JOE: Oh, I was hoping there was some way to get the town out of it.VELMA: (Hands JOE the contract.) That would be nice. This town hasn’t
been the same since those TV folks came.JOE: You’ve noticed it too?VELMA: Noticed it? I got this cold because of it. And it’s not just me.
Doctor Gertie says she’s never seen so many people sick at one time.JOE: (Scans the contract.) Hmmm.VELMA: Did you find something?JOE: Tell me, Velma. Is Mayor Flo a good speller?VELMA: Well, she wouldn’t win any spelling bees, but I suppose she’s
all right. Why?JOE: Because she misspelled her own name.VELMA: What? That’s impossible.JOE: No. See right here where she signed?VELMA: Well, I’ll be. F-L-O-W.JOE: Either the mayor was so distracted by the fish that she forgot
how to spell, or she’s not the one who signed the contract.VELMA: You mean somebody forged her signature?JOE: I’m afraid so.VELMA: Who would do a thing like that?JOE: I can’t say for sure, but I have a hunch. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Three
ACT TWOScene Four
LIGHTS UP: McGillicuddy Mart, a short time later. HORACE is behind the counter, helping a group of TOURISTS with a purchase. Like Velma, he’s also fighting a cold.HORACE: Thank you for your purchase. And remember, no refunds, no
returns! (Smiling vacantly, the TOURISTS EXIT LEFT. JOE ENTERS LEFT.) Well, Joe! Isn’t this a surprise? I don’t see you here very often.
JOE: And you wouldn’t be seeing me now, excepting I’ve got an emergency. The thermostat on my oven is busted.
HORACE: I’m sorry to hear that, Joe, but I don’t carry thermostats anymore. In fact, I don’t carry any appliance parts.
JOE: Well, what do you carry?HORACE: See for yourself. T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee cups—JOE: All you sell are souvenirs?
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ACT ONEScene Five
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, the next morning. MISS CROTCHET reads a newspaper. GERTIE ENTERS LEFT.MISS CROTCHET: Oh, my. Oh, my, my, my, my, my.GERTIE: What you reading there, Miss Crotchet?MISS CROTCHET: This article that Polly wrote. Seems some New York
producer wants to make a TV show here. (FRED ENTERS RIGHT. Passing the two women, he pauses to listen.)
GERTIE: Can they do that?MISS CROTCHET: Why, sure, they can do that. And they would, too,
excepting Joe put a stop to it.GERTIE: Joe? What’s Joe got to do with it?MISS CROTCHET: Well, it seems he was in the mayor’s office when
the producer stopped by. She offered the town five million dollars to film a reality show here, but Joe ran her off with one of the mayor’s fishing poles. Never even told her he wasn’t mayor.
GERTIE: Joe’s got no right to do that.MISS CROTCHET: Well, he done it just the same. (ERNIE and EDNA
ENTER LEFT.)FRED: Ernie, did you hear the big news?ERNIE: No, what?FRED: Joe ran off some big Hollywood producer with a shotgun.ERNIE: Oh, really?FRED: Yeah. She offered him fifty million dollars for the use of the
town, but he turned her down cold.ERNIE: I didn’t even know Joe owned a gun.FRED: You going to believe the newspaper, or you going to believe
your own mind?ERNIE: The newspaper, of course! (MARTHA ENTERS LEFT.)EDNA: Martha, you’re not going to believe this!MARTHA: Calm down, Edna. What is it now? (Drawn by the excitement,
OTHER TOWNSFOLK ENTER and join in the hubbub of excitement.)EDNA: Steven Spielberg offered to buy Paradise Junction for five
hundred million dollars, and Joe shot him!MARTHA: You don’t say?!EDNA: Sure as I’m standing here!MARTHA: I ought to have a talk with that boy.MISS CROTCHET: I think we should all talk to him.
HORACE: That’s all anyone wants to buy. Why, I could sell a dead skunk if I figured out how to stamp the words “Paradise Lost” on it.
JOE: Well, that’s great for you, but how am I supposed to get a new thermostat?
HORACE: I suppose I could special order one for you. Of course, it’ll take three weeks to get it.
JOE: Three weeks? I can’t afford to wait three weeks! I’ll go out of business!HORACE: Sorry, Joe. That’s the best I can do.JOE: (Whips out a pen and paper.) It’s a Heat Pro 3000.HORACE: That’s a good thermostat, the Heat Pro.JOE: Aren’t you going to write it down?HORACE: No. I’ve got it.JOE: I really think you ought to write it down.HORACE: Whatever you say, Joe. (Reluctantly takes the pen and paper
and jots down the name.) Heat Pro 3000.JOE: (Picks up the paper and stares at it.) Just like I thought. You’re the
one who forged the contract.HORACE: (Nervous.) What?JOE: You spelled “Pro” with a W. Just like you spelled “Flo” with a W.HORACE: (Grabs the paper and tosses it in the trash under the counter.)
That doesn’t prove anything.JOE: All right then. Where did you find Mayor Flo the day you got her
to sign the contract?HORACE: Huh? Oh, she was at the lake.JOE: I know she was at the lake. Which lake?HORACE: You want to know which lake? Let me think. What was the
name of it? Um, Conway. That’s it. Lake Conway.JOE: Lake Conway’s a bass lake. Mayor Flo was angling for catfish. (A
new group of TOURISTS ENTERS LEFT.)HORACE: Sorry, Joe, but I’ve got customers. If you’re not buying
anything, I’m going to need you to step out of the way.JOE: (Steps back.) You know something, Horace? I’ve always liked you.
Oh, I know you’re a pushy kind of a feller and you like to get your own way, but I always thought you were a good man. Now, I’m not so sure.
HORACE: (Turns to the TOURISTS, rattled.) Can I help you? (Sneezes. The TOURISTS back away.) Don’t worry. I’m not sick. (Shaking his head, JOE EXITS LEFT. HORACE calls after JOE.) I mean it! It’s just my allergies! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Four
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TINA: Sure. We’ll pay the city five million dollars if you give us the right to film here. (Intrigued, POLLY starts jotting down notes in her notebook.)
JOE: Well, to be honest with you, ma’am, I don’t know what we’d do with all that money.
TINA: Oh, come on. You can think of something. You could build a municipal swimming pool. Or improve your schools.
JOE: Paradise Creek is just fine for swimming. And we already have the smartest kids in the county.
TINA: All right. Forget about the money. Think of the fame.JOE: Fame?TINA: If the show’s a hit, you’ll be covered by all the media—magazines,
newspapers. Why, you might even make the front page of the New York Times.
JOE: Where do I sign?TINA: Right here. (Pulls out a contract and hands it to JOE.)JOE: (About to sign.) Wait a minute. What’s this?TINA: What? Oh, that’s just the fine print.JOE: It says you have the right to film us anytime, anyplace, and that
you’re free to edit our words any way you see fit.TINA: It’s standard, I assure you.JOE: I’m sorry, Miss Tina, but I can’t sign this.TINA: Have you lost your mind?JOE: Maybe. But you know what? We’ve got a pretty good thing going
here. (Absentmindedly picks up one of MAYOR FLO’S fishing rods.) Oh, we may not be as sophisticated as you, but we appreciate the little things that make each day worth living, and we know we can count on our neighbors whenever we need help. Can you say that about your neighbors?
TINA: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never met them.JOE: Goodbye, Miss Tina. I hope you find success. Just not around here.TINA: You’re going to regret not signing this.JOE: Probably. But I’d regret signing it even more. (TINA EXITS DOWN
RIGHT, oblivious to POLLY.)VELMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Who was that, Joe? She looked
pretty mad.JOE: Don’t worry. We’re never going to hear from her again.POLLY: (To herself.) Want to bet? (Closes her notebook and EXITS
DOWN RIGHT. BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Four
ACT TWOScene Five
LIGHTS UP: Wink’s dressing room, a short time later. WINK puts on makeup. JOE ENTERS LEFT.JOE: Excuse me, Mr. Smiley?WINK: Who are you?JOE: I’m Joe Goode. I own the Rise ’n’ Shine Diner.WINK: Sorry. I don’t give out autographs.JOE: I’m not here for an autograph. I want to talk to you about something.WINK: Oh, you do, do you? Well, make it quick. The live show starts
in a few minutes.JOE: I’ll make it real quick. You need to cancel tonight’s show.WINK: Excuse me?JOE: Look, Mr. Smiley. I don’t like to play hardball, but I know what
you’re planning to do, and I want you to cancel tonight’s show.WINK: Cancel? This is our biggest show of the season, and you’re
asking me to cancel it?JOE: No, Mr. Smiley. I’m not asking you. I’m telling you.WINK: Oh, really? And what if I don’t?JOE: If you don’t, I’m going to go public about the contract. The mayor
didn’t sign it. Horace McGillicuddy did. And I’ll bet if I did some digging around, I could prove you paid him to do it.
WINK: I can’t say it was forged, but I’ll admit we paid to make sure it got signed.
JOE: I knew it!WINK: But it wasn’t Horace we paid. It was Polly.JOE: What?!WINK: You know, Polly Day? That newspaper reporter you used to
hang around with?JOE: I don’t believe it.WINK: Why don’t you ask her?JOE: I… can’t.WINK: That’s not my problem.JOE: But I don’t understand. Why would Polly do that?WINK: Think about it. Who had the most to gain from our show coming
to town? Who got a big fat promotion out of the story she wrote?NORA: (Sticks her head IN RIGHT. Seeing JOE, she averts her eyes.) Two
minutes, Wink.
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MAYOR FLO: Are you sure Polly wants to marry you, Joe?JOE: Why, sure I’m sure. She’s just a little particular about how she
does it.MAYOR FLO: Sorry, Joe. I can’t help you there.JOE: I was afraid of that.MAYOR FLO: Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got to get going.JOE: Where you going?MAYOR FLO: Oh, about fifty miles— (Catches herself.) Ah. You’re a sly
one, Joe.JOE: Have a good trip, Mayor Flo. (MAYOR FLO EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)VELMA: Hey, Joe. Do you have a few minutes?JOE: I always have time for you, Velma.VELMA: Good, because the mayor’s chair has been making funny
noises.JOE: Are you sure it’s the chair?VELMA: (Shoves a can of oil at him.) Just fix it… please. (EXITS
DOWN RIGHT. JOE settles into the chair. It squeaks. He gets up and puts some oil on it. He sits in it again. This time, there’s no squeak. JOE proceeds to test the chair, making a fool of himself as he twists and squirms.)
TINA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Excuse me, Mayor?JOE: (Startles and scrambles out of the chair.) What? Oh, uh, no. I’m
just the—TINA: My name is Tina Powers. I want to produce a reality show here.JOE: A reality show? What’s that?TINA: Don’t you watch television?JOE: Not if there’s something else to watch. (POLLY ENTERS DOWN
RIGHT. Seeing TINA and JOE, she ducks behind the door to spy on them.)
TINA: Well, what we would do is show real people—your friends, your neighbors—living their day-to-day lives.
JOE: Heck, I can see that just sitting on my porch swing.TINA: Well, sure you can. But think of all those poor ignorant souls in
the rest of the country. Wouldn’t you like them to see how good you’ve got it?
JOE: I don’t know, ma’am. That kind of seems like bragging to me.TINA: All right. Forget that. Think of the money.JOE: Money?
WINK: All right, Nora. I’ll be right out. (NORA disappears.) Go ahead. Drag my name through the mud. But if you do, you’ll be dragging Polly’s name too. It’s your call, Jo-Jo. (EXITS RIGHT.)
JOE: It’s Joe! Just plain Joe! (BLACKOUT.)End of Scene Five
ACT TWOScene Six
LIGHTS UP: Town Square, immediately after. NORA checks her camera. TINA stands nearby, waiting for Wink. The TOWNSFOLK, except MAYOR FLO, POLLY, JOE, WILBUR, and BIG FINN file IN, still very much on edge. FRED hands a shovel to each person as they enter.MARTHA: Now remember, Arabella. Stand up straight and smile.
Twenty million people will be watching tonight.ARABELLA: Twenty million? Is that a lot?MARTHA: Of course it’s a lot. Why, anyone could be watching. Movie
stars. Movie directors. Movie producers. Maybe even the president!ARABELLA: The President of the United States?MARTHA: No, the president of Paramount Pictures! Who cares about
that other guy?FRED: Here’s your shovel.MARTHA: A shovel? What’s this for?FRED: Just take it, would you? Wink says everybody’s got to have one.EDNA: Oooh. Maybe he wants us to dig a tunnel to China!CHARLIE: Don’t be ridiculous, Edna. You can’t dig a tunnel to China.MISS CROTCHET: That’s right. We’d burn up before we got there.CINDY: And besides, where would you put all the dirt?WINK: (ENTERS RIGHT and goes to TINA.) Tina! I’m so glad you could
make it.TINA: I’ve got to hand it to you, Wink. This show is bigger than even
I expected.WINK: It’s all thanks to you and your brilliant concept. I mean, who
else would come up with a reality show about the world’s most perfect town?
TINA: Yes, but it was you who made the show work.WINK: Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never underestimate
the greed of the average man… or woman.NORA: Ten seconds, Wink.TINA: I just hope everything goes well. Both of our careers are riding
on tonight.
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MAYOR FLO: You’re a peach, Velma. (Hides behind the desk. JOE ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with a plate of pie and a fork.)
JOE: Hi, Velma. Can I speak with Mayor Flo?VELMA: Sorry, Joe. She just left for her fishing trip.JOE: That’s too bad. I brought her a piece of my huckleberry pie. I
know it’s her favorite. (Sits on the desk, holding the pie just inches from where MAYOR FLO is hiding. MAYOR FLO swoons from the delicious aroma.)
VELMA: Just leave it here. She can enjoy it when she comes back.JOE: But it’s still warm and fresh and gooey inside. (Waves the plate
around as though tempting MAYOR FLO to come out of hiding.)MAYOR FLO: (Jumps to her feet, unable to restrain herself.) Give it
here! (Grabs the plate and shovels the pie into her mouth.)JOE: (Laughs.) Hey, Mayor Flo. I thought you weren’t leaving until tomorrow.MAYOR FLO: I just got a hot tip. The catfish are biting something fierce.JOE: Oh, yeah. Where?MAYOR FLO: Now, Joe, you know there isn’t enough money in the
world to make me give away my secret fishing hole.JOE: Can’t blame a guy for trying.MAYOR FLO: Say, you didn’t come here just to bring me this pie,
did you?JOE: No. I wanted to talk to you about your nephew.MAYOR FLO: My nephew?JOE: Yeah. Didn’t you say he’s an editor for the Times?MAYOR FLO: No. I said he was an editor for a time.JOE: Oh. I guess that’s different then.MAYOR FLO: Why do you want to know?JOE: I was just thinking how nice it would be if we could get Paradise
Junction in the newspapers. You know, boost our town’s image. (MAYOR FLO bursts out laughing.) What are you laughing at?
MAYOR FLO: Joe, you’re the last person in the world to be concerned about our town’s image. Aren’t you the one who wanted to take down all the signs so travelers would pass through without even knowing they’d been here?
JOE: All right, fine. If you must know, I asked Polly to marry me.MAYOR FLO: Again?JOE: Sure, but this time she said yes.MAYOR FLO: Congratulations! When’s the big day?JOE: Well, see, that’s the thing. I’ve got to get Paradise Junction on the
front page of the New York Times first.
WINK: Don’t worry. I’ve got everything under control. (Takes his position in front of the camera.)
NORA: In five. Four. Three. Two. One!WINK: (To the camera.) Hi. I’m Wink Smiley, and I’d like to welcome you
to Paradise Junction. Tonight is a big night for the town, and not just because this is the season finale. No, it’s a big night because we’re broadcasting the entire show live. That’s right. Everything you see is happening right now. Nothing is edited. Nothing is cut. Why are we doing this? Because tonight the very soul of the town is at stake. Will these ignorant hicks resist the lure of unfathomable wealth, or will they greedily destroy their once-perfect town? The answer will soon be revealed, here on Paradise Lost! (NORA stops filming.) How was that?
NORA: Oh, I’d say it was nasty with a slight hint of viciousness.WINK: Great. That’s just what I was going for. (JOE ENTERS LEFT, dejected.)WILBUR: (Rushes IN LEFT, waving a newspaper.) Joe! Joe! You’ve got
to see this!WINK: Why is that kid here?NORA: What are you worried about? I thought you had everything
under control.WINK: Huh? Oh, yeah. Of course I do.JOE: What is it, Wilbur?WILBUR: It’s Polly! She made the New York Times!JOE: What?WILBUR: Yeah! See this article she wrote? It’s on the front page!JOE: I don’t want to read it.WILBUR: But it’s about Paradise Junction! It’s about you and me
and everybody!JOE: (Heated.) I told you I don’t want to read it! I already know what it
says! (Storms OFF RIGHT.)CHARLIE: Well, I don’t know what it says.BIG FINN: What’s it say, Wilbur?WINK: I’m sure we’re all dying to hear the article, but we don’t really
have time for it now.GERTIE: Well, make time! (With ad-libbed shouts of “Yeah!” and “Let
him read!” the TOWNSFOLK voice their support for WILBUR.)MARTHA: Go ahead, Wilbur. Read it.WILBUR: Okay. It’s titled, “Paradise Found: The Paradise Junction You
Don’t See on TV.”NORA: One minute, Wink.
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SAM: City Hall. It’s in Town Square, just one block past Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts.
TINA: Thanks. You’re a lifesaver. (EXITS RIGHT.)SAL: I still say we ought to change our sign.SAM: Yeah, but then we’d have to get out of these chairs.SAL: You’re right. It’s not worth it. (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Three
ACT ONEScene Four
LIGHTS UP: The Mayor’s office, a short time later. MAYOR FLO practices casting her fishing rod.VELMA: (Bustles IN DOWN RIGHT with a document.) One more for you
to sign, Mayor Flo.MAYOR FLO: Velma, can’t it wait until after my fishing trip?VELMA: Not this time, Mayor. Horace McGillicuddy is pretty adamant.MAYOR FLO: (Takes the document, reluctant.) A proclamation to name
May “Arabella McGillicuddy Month”?VELMA: She just won the Miss Paradise Junction Contest.MAYOR FLO: She was the only contestant. For the third year in a row.VELMA: Would it kill you to let her have her day in the sun? After all,
Horace has contributed a great deal of money to this town.MAYOR FLO: I know, and I’m grateful. But his money always seems to
come with strings attached. Take the park he built.VELMA: Horace McGillicuddy Park?MAYOR FLO: Yes. It’s nice having a place for kids to play, but did he
have to plaster advertisements for his store over every square inch of the playground?
VELMA: I’m sure he just wants to get an edge on the competition.MAYOR FLO: What competition? He’s got the only store in town.VELMA: Look, if you don’t sign this now, Horace will track you down
wherever you’re going and make you sign it himself.MAYOR FLO: I suppose you’re right. (Signs the document.) Now, if you
don’t mind, I’m going to go drown some worms.VELMA: Is there a number I can reach you at?MAYOR FLO: Not if I can help it. (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Uh-oh. It’s Joe.VELMA: I thought you liked Joe.MAYOR FLO: Everybody likes Joe. That’s not the problem. The problem
is he’s liable to talk my ear off, and then I’ll never get to the lake.VELMA: Duck behind the desk, Mayor. I’ll get rid of him.
WINK: Can you read a little faster?MARTHA: Bag it, Mr. Smiley!WILBUR: (Reads.) “If, like the rest of the country, you’ve become
a rabid fan of Paradise Lost, then you probably think you know everything there is to know about the town where it’s filmed. The people are petty and vindictive. Ignorance runs rampant. Greed has spread like a disease to every corner of the town. And I wouldn’t blame you. After all, that’s what the network wants you to think. But that’s not the Paradise Junction I knew. I grew up in that little town, and to me, it was the best little place on earth. It was a place where the weather was always perfect and the tomatoes grew as big as beach balls. A place where no one ever got sick and every pie was a little slice of heaven. People used to say there was something in the air or maybe the soil that made things that way. A little bit of magic, perhaps, that made everything fine. But the magic wasn’t in the air or the soil. It was in our hearts. We cared for each other. We looked out for each other. And no matter how we were feeling, we always had a smile and a friendly word for everyone we met. Somehow, though, we lost those things. We forgot how good and pure and strong those things could be. But perhaps it’s not too late. Perhaps if we looked inside our hearts, we could find those things again.”
WINK: Well, doesn’t that just warm the soul? Now, let’s all take our places, shall we? We’re about to go on the air.
NORA: In five. Four. Three. Two. One!WINK: (To the camera.) Welcome back to Paradise Lost. As I mentioned
before the break, this is a big night for Paradise Junction. Perhaps the biggest one they’ve ever had. You see, when we first came to this town a couple of months ago, we offered them five million dollars for the rights to film here. Well, tonight is the night they get that money.
CHARLIE: It’s about time!GERTIE: Where is it?WINK: That’s the exciting part. The money is all around you.EDNA: All around us?MARTHA: I don’t see it.WINK: You’re not supposed to see it. That’s because we’ve hidden five
gold bars throughout the town—gold bars that are worth a million dollars each. They could be anywhere. Right here under the street. Behind your kitchen cabinets. Inside your neighbor’s floorboards. All you have to do is look. (The TOWNSFOLK don’t move. They look at each other, not sure what to do.) I said, all you have to do is look!
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TINA: I mean get them running again.SAM: Well then, no.TINA: Wonderful.SAL: It’s not that we don’t want to.SAM: It’s just that we don’t know how.SAL: This is Paradise Junction. Nothing ever breaks around here.TINA: Well, is there anything you can do?SAM: Sure. We could slap some paint on it for you.SAL: Yeah. Red will make it look real fast.TINA: Listen, you melon heads. I don’t want my car to look fast. I want
it to go fast.SAM: Yeah, well, it don’t look like that’s going to happen, does it?TINA: I don’t believe this! I’m supposed to be on my way to New York
City for the most important meeting of my career, and instead I’m stranded in Mayberry R.F.D.
SAM: What are them letters? You some kind of secret agent?TINA: No. I’m a TV producer, and I’m supposed to come up with a new
reality show by five o’clock today.SAM: Reality show? Ain’t that one of them oxygen morons? Like
civil war?SAL: Or jumbo shrimp?TINA: I’ll have you know our network has a strict policy about accuracy
in our shows. We check every fact twice before we ignore it.SAL: (To SAM.) I like her. She talks funny.TINA: Hold on. Did you say nothing ever breaks around here?SAM: That’s right. And no one ever gets sick.SAL: Unless you eat one of Mrs. McGillicuddy’s pies.TINA: That seems too good to be true.SAM: Hey, that’s our town slogan.SAL: If things seem too good to be true…SAM/SAL: …then you must be in Paradise Junction!TINA: You know, I just had an epiphany.SAL: Don’t worry. Doctor Gertie can take care of that.TINA: No, I mean I had an idea. If someone wanted to produce a TV
show here, who would they talk to?SAM: A TV show, huh? I guess they’d talk to Mayor Flo.SAL: But they’d better hurry. She’s leaving for her fishing trip tomorrow.TINA: Where’s her office?
(WILBUR steps forward.) Ah, here’s a resourceful young lad. I’ll bet you find the first one.
WILBUR: I don’t want the money. (Sets his shovel on the ground.)WINK: What?!WILBUR: I said I don’t want the money. I want the town to be like it
used to be.ARABELLA: (Swoons.) Oh, Wilbur!WINK: Are you crazy?FRED: If he’s crazy, then I guess I am too. (Sets his shovel next to
WILBUR’S.)MARTHA: You know, Arabella never did get a Hollywood contract.
(Adds her shovel to the pile.)ARABELLA: And now that I’ve seen what Hollywood people are like, I
don’t think I want one. (Adds her shovel to the pile.)WILBUR: Come on, Arabella. Let’s go. (Takes ARABELLA’S hand.)MARTHA: Arabella!EDNA: (Adds her shovel to the pile.) Let them go. It’ll give us a chance
to talk.MARTHA: Good idea. Do you know anything about making pies?EDNA: Well, I almost won this year’s pie-baking contest. (WILBUR and
ARABELLA EXIT RIGHT. FRED, MARTHA and EDNA follow OFF RIGHT.)WINK: What’s wrong with you people? I said I hid five million dollars
in the town! Don’t you want it? (One by one, the rest of the TOWNSFOLK come forward to set their shovels on the pile. WINK turns to the camera and smiles. Laughs.) It looks like we’re having some technical difficulties. Excuse me a minute while I see what I can do. (Runs frantically around trying to stop the TOWNSFOLK, but they just step around him and set their shovels on the pile.) What are you doing? This isn’t normal! This isn’t right! People don’t just turn down five million dollars! They’re supposed to scratch and claw and fight each other for it! (Ignoring him, the TOWNSFOLK EXIT RIGHT and LEFT.) Stop! Don’t go! I’ll tell you where the gold is! It’s right here! Or wait! Maybe it’s over here!
TINA: (Marches over to WINK. NORA follows with the camera.) What are you doing?
WINK: (Laughs awkwardly.) Nothing, Tina. I’ve got everything under control.
TINA: You call this under control? This is a disaster! (To NORA.) Turn the camera off. (NORA steps back, but she keeps the camera running. WINK and TINA are too busy arguing to notice.) Look, Wink. I’ve had doubts about you before, but now I know for sure. You are
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Paradise Junction, and I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life in this one-horse town.
JOE: Didn’t you hear? We’re not a one-horse town anymore. Mr. Pinkley’s mare had twins.
POLLY: You know what I mean.JOE: Come on, Polly. There’s got to be something that would convince
you to stay here and marry me.POLLY: Sure, Joe. If Paradise Junction made the front page of the New
York Times, then I’d know the town had arrived. Well, goodbye, Joe. Goodbye, Mr. McGillicuddy.
HORACE: Goodbye, Polly. (POLLY EXITS DOWN LEFT.)JOE: Hallelujah!HORACE: What’s gotten into you?JOE: Didn’t you hear? I’ve got a wedding to plan.HORACE: Now, hold on a minute, Joe. You’ve got to get Paradise
Junction on the front page of the New York Times first.JOE: And that’s what I’m going to do.HORACE: Oh, yeah? How?JOE: I don’t want to get bogged down in the details. I’m more of a
big-picture guy.HORACE: Uh-huh. Well, when the story comes out, save a copy for
me, would you?JOE: Will do, Horace. (HORACE EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yahoo! (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene Two
ACT ONEScene Three
LIGHTS UP: S&S Auto Repair Shop, the next day. SAM and SAL lounge in lawn chairs.TINA: (Stumbles IN RIGHT.) Oh, great! My heel broke. Could this day
possibly get any worse?SAM: Can we help you?TINA: Yes. My Lamborghini died about a mile down the road.SAM: What do you want us to do about it?TINA: I want you to fix it.SAM: You mean, like, with a screwdriver?TINA: Screwdriver, monkey wrench, mallet. Whatever it takes.SAL: (To SAM.) I told you people would get confused by our sign.TINA: You mean you don’t repair cars?SAM: That depends on what you mean by repair.
the worst host in the history of television. You ruined my show! My brilliant, brilliant show!
WINK: Well, it’s your fault! Who else would come up with a reality show about the world’s most boring town?
TINA: It wouldn’t have been boring if you’d done your job!WINK: I did my job! It’s these stupid country folk who didn’t do theirs!TINA: Well, you don’t have to worry about them anymore. You’re fired!WINK: You can’t fire me!TINA: Oh, yeah? Why not?WINK: Because if you do, I’ll tell everyone about the forgery.TINA: You wouldn’t dare! That would mean jail for both of us! (Realizes
that the camera is still running and turns to NORA.) I thought I told you to turn that thing off.
NORA: Oops.WINK: Uh-oh! (Makes his escape OFF RIGHT.)TINA: (To the camera. Laughs awkwardly.) I didn’t mean what I just
said. I was making it up. You know, for dramatic purposes. Isn’t that right, Wink? Isn’t that right? (Realizes Wink is gone.) Wink! (Starts to run OFF RIGHT. BIG FINN ENTERS RIGHT. He has WINK by one hand and seizes TINA with the other.) Let me go! Let me go! Don’t you know who I am?
BIG FINN: Oh, I know exactly who you are. And if you promise never to step foot in this town again, I might just choose to forget.
TINA: (Breaks free.) Believe me, I won’t come within a hundred miles of this place.
WINK: (Breaks free.) I won’t come within two hundred miles.TINA: Three hundred miles!WINK: Four hundred miles! (EXITS RIGHT with TINA, bickering the whole
way. Shaking his head, BIG FINN follows them OFF RIGHT.)NORA: (Points the camera at herself.) Well, folks, that’s our show for
tonight. Tune in again next time for— No, wait. Don’t bother tuning in at all. Something tells me this show is about to be cancelled. (Turns off the camera and EXITS RIGHT, leaving the stage empty except for the pile of shovels. JOE wanders IN LEFT. He looks down at the shovels and smiles.)
HORACE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Joe! You’re still here!JOE: What’s up, Horace?HORACE: I’ve given a lot of thought to what you said. You know, when
you told me off at the store?JOE: Forget about it. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have.
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POLLY: (Opens her notebook.) Really? What happened?JOE: You know how soundly Ernie sleeps, right? Well, last night around
three a.m., he was yanked out of dreamland by a deafening crash in the kitchen.
POLLY: (Scribbles furiously.) Go on.JOE: He grabbed his shotgun, and he went to confront the intruder. His
hands were shaking, and his knees were knocking. It must have taken him fifteen minutes to get down the stairs. When he did, well, the kitchen was a disaster. Chairs were knocked over. Pots and pans were scattered everywhere. And then he saw it.
POLLY: What?JOE: A huge shadow, just past the table. He raised his shotgun, and he
crept quietly towards it, keeping a steady finger on the trigger. Then, without a lick of fear, the intruder poked his head above the table.
POLLY: Oh, my gosh! Who was it?JOE: Goliath.POLLY: Goliath?! Ernie’s rooster?JOE: That’s right.POLLY: (Shuts her notebook.) I should have known better than to come
here looking for news.JOE: Oh, I don’t know. I’ve always heard that no news is good news.POLLY: Not for a reporter like me, Joe. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve
dreamed of working for a big-city newspaper. The tap-tap-tap of the typewriters. The roar of the giant presses. I keep applying for jobs, but no one will give me a chance. And do you know why?
JOE: No.POLLY: Because all I ever write about is pie-baking contests and
renegade roosters.JOE: Forget the big city, Polly. Stay here and marry me. (POLLY bursts
out laughing.) What’s so funny?POLLY: You’ve asked me that in January, February, March, and now
April. And each time, I’ve said no. When are you going to give up?JOE: I don’t know. What month comes after never?POLLY: And besides, a girl’s not likely to say yes until she sees what
kind of a ring she’s getting.JOE: You want a ring? I’ll give you a ring. (Grabs a doughnut, kneels,
and places it on her finger.)POLLY: (Gazes wistfully at it for a moment, then comes to her senses,
yanks it off, and drops it on the counter.) Look, Joe, you know I love you, but let’s face facts. There’s no way you’re ever going to leave
HORACE: No. You were right. I’m not a good person. It’s my fault the TV people came. I never should have forged the mayor’s signature on that contract.
JOE: Well, Polly made you do it.HORACE: No, Polly had nothing to do with it. It was all my idea.JOE: But Mr. Smiley said—HORACE: Mr. Smiley? The guy who said the show would be called
Paradise on Earth? The guy who said he’d tell the world about our wonderful little town? That Mr. Smiley?
JOE: Gee, Horace. I guess you’re right. I’ve got to get better about who I believe and who I don’t. (Realizes.) Uh-oh.
HORACE: What’s the matter?JOE: Excuse me, Horace. I’ve got to call Polly! (Starts to EXIT LEFT.)POLLY: (ENTERS RIGHT, wearing a wedding dress and holding a
bouquet.) You called?JOE: Polly! What are you doing here?POLLY: Now, Joe, I can’t believe you’d forget a thing like that. Didn’t
I promise I’d stay in Paradise Junction if the town made the front page of the New York Times?
JOE: Why didn’t you ever call?POLLY: Sorry about that. I must have picked up the phone a hundred
times, but I never knew what to say.JOE: That’s funny. I never knew either.POLLY: Do you still want to marry me?JOE: I suppose I have to. Now.POLLY: What do you mean you have to?JOE: Just that it would be a shame to waste a perfectly good dress.
(POLLY smacks JOE with the bouquet. MAYOR FLO ENTERS LEFT with a net full of fish.) Mayor Flo! You’re back!
MAYOR FLO: I sure am.JOE: How was the trip?MAYOR FLO: It was a kind of miracle, Joe. Why, I caught so many
fish I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Did I miss anything while I was gone?
JOE: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.MAYOR FLO: Try me.JOE: Polly and I are getting hitched.MAYOR FLO: You’re right. I don’t believe it! (The TOWNSFOLK ENTER
RIGHT and LEFT, talking excitedly.)
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ACT ONEScene Two
LIGHTS UP: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day. HORACE sits at the counter eating a piece of pie. JOE watches him from behind the counter.JOE: What do you think of the pie, Horace? Horace?HORACE: (Polishes off the pie, enraptured.) You’ve got magic in that
oven, Joe.JOE: There’s nothing magic about it. You’ve just got to pay attention.HORACE: (Pulls out his checkbook and pen.) How much do you want?JOE: For the pie?HORACE: For the recipe. Five thousand dollars? Ten thousand?JOE: I don’t want your money.HORACE: Twenty thousand dollars, and that’s my final offer.JOE: Why do you want the recipe so bad?HORACE: Martha has entered the pie-baking contest every year for the
last three years, and she’s come home brokenhearted every time.JOE: And you want her to win?HORACE: No. I’m the one who has to eat those pies. I want them to
stop tasting like they were scraped from the bottom of a garbage bin. Have you ever tried her onion pie?
JOE: Is that what was in there?HORACE: Yeah. She said she wanted to give it some bite.JOE: Look, if it means that much to you, I’ll just give you the recipe.
(Hands him a recipe card.)HORACE: You’re a fool, Joe. I could have made you a rich man.JOE: What do you mean? I’m already rich.HORACE: You? Rich?JOE: Why, sure. The sun’s shining, the trees are blooming, and I’ve
got another pie just like that one about to come out of the oven. What more could I possibly want? (POLLY ENTERS DOWN LEFT with a notebook and pen.)
HORACE: (Eyes POLLY.) I can think of one thing.JOE: You keep quiet now. (To POLLY.) Morning, Polly. Would you like to
try a piece of my special huckleberry pie?POLLY: Not today, Joe. I’m making my rounds for The Gazette. I don’t
suppose there’s been any big news since yesterday?JOE: Oh, yeah. Haven’t you heard? The Hochelmeiers got broken into
last night.
JOE: (Crosses DOWNSTAGE to address the AUDIENCE.) Well, as you probably figured, everything turned out all right in the end. People gave up their fancy Hollywood ways and went back to doing the jobs they were supposed to do. The sickness that everybody was suffering from seemed to go away on its own. And wouldn’t you know it? My oven started working again, just like that. In fact, things are so good, Nora decided to stay and open the town’s first photography studio. Oh, she’s not making as much money now as she once was, but she’s happy. In fact, we all are. You know, old Jedediah Hornblower was right. Our streets really are paved with gold. Our walls and our floorboards, too. And if that seems too good to be true, well…
TOWNSFOLK: …you must be in Paradise Junction! (CURTAIN.)END OF PLAY
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MISS CROTCHET: Oh, no, Mr. Ruckus! We can’t cut down the tree. The town charter was signed under that tree. (MARTHA and ARABELLA ENTER RIGHT and join the hubbub. The TOWNSFOLK are so busy chattering they don’t see WILBUR ENTER LEFT, a cat nestled in his arms.)
MARTHA: Look, Arabella! A crowd! Now stand up straight and smile. You never know when the paparazzi will show up.
GERTIE: I could use my hot air balloon.MISS CROTCHET: Sure, but once you get up that high, how will you
grab the cat?MAYOR FLO: You could grab him with my fishing net!ERNIE: What if the balloon floats away?FRED: We’ll have to tie it to something heavy.BIG FINN: See! I knew the fire truck would come in handy!CINDY: (Notices WILBUR with the cat.) Oh, thank you, Wilbur! (Takes
the cat, relieved.)BIG FINN: Wait a minute, Cindy. Is that Mr. Whiskers?CINDY: It sure is.BIG FINN: Good job, Wilbur. How did you get him down?WILBUR: I didn’t. He got so tired of everybody arguing, I think he
decided to come down on his own.TOWNSFOLK: Only in Paradise Junction! (TOWNSFOLK continue talking
as they EXIT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) How did we get this way? Well, it all started 150
years ago, when Jedediah Hornblower founded the town. He took out advertisements in all the big Eastern newspapers. “Get rich quick,” they said. “The streets of Paradise Junction are paved with gold.” Folks streamed in from all over, hoping to strike it rich. The only problem? There was no gold, and that made people mad. In fact, they got so mad, they ran Jedediah out of his own town. Most of the people left after that. But the few that stayed looked around them, and they liked what they saw. No, the streets weren’t paved with gold, but when the sun came over Mount Paradise each morning, it almost looked like they were. And Paradise Creek may not have been made of silver, but when you knelt down and took a big long swig from it, you felt like the world was a treasure box. Yep, people were pretty happy here. At least, they were before the TV folks came… (BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGE
ACT ONE
Scene One: Town Square set consisting of park benches, fountain, optional trees.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set consisting of stools, counter, oven, landline phone. Also piece of pie on plate, fork, recipe card, doughnuts.
Scene Three: S&S Auto Repair Shop set consisting of two lawn chairs, shop sign.
Scene Four: Mayor’s office set consisting of desk, office chair, pen, fishing rodsoil can.
Scene Five: Town Square set.
Scene Six: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set, piece of pie on plate, ladle, pot.
Scene Seven: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts set consisting of an optional barre.
Scene Eight: The Hochelmeiers’ set consisting of kitchen table, chairs, pancakes, plates, and silverware.
Scene Nine: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set.
Scene Ten: Town Square set, table with trophy, fork, banner that reads “Paradise Junction Pie-Baking Contest.”
ACT TWO
Scene One: Town Square set, two lawn chairs.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner set, pie, plate, fork, can of whipped cream, burnt pie, potholder.
Scene Three: Mayor’s office set, contract.
Scene Four: McGillicuddy Mart set consisting of a sales counter, T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee cups.
Scene Five: Wink’s dressing room set consisting of dressing table, chair.
Scene Six: Town Square set, shovels.
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TROUBLE IN PARADISE JUNCTION
ACT ONEScene One
AT RISE: Paradise Junction Town Square, one nearly perfect day. JOE ENTERS LEFT and crosses DOWN CENTER to address the AUDIENCE.JOE: Welcome to Paradise Junction, the best little town in the world!
We’ve got a saying around here. “If things seem too good to be true, then you must be in Paradise Junction.” Oh, it’s not perfect, not by any means. It just seems like everything works out a little bit better here. (EDNA ENTERS RIGHT. GERTIE ENTERS LEFT.) It’s the kind of place where the weather is always fine.
EDNA: Good morning, Gertie.GERTIE: Good morning, Edna. Beautiful day, ain’t it?EDNA: All day, every day.GERTIE: Did you get any of that rain last night?EDNA: Sure did. Left our car sparkling like it was brand new.GERTIE: Only in Paradise Junction! (EXITS RIGHT. EDNA EXITS LEFT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s the kind of place where every thumb is green.
(FRED ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a bushel basket filled with red beach balls. ERNIE ENTERS LEFT.)
ERNIE: Where you going, Fred? To the beach?FRED: What? Oh, no. These aren’t beach balls, Ernie. These are my
tomatoes.ERNIE: Tomatoes, huh? What did you feed them?FRED: Nothing. I just dumped the cat’s litter box out the back door
last night, and in the morning, I found these.ERNIE: Only in Paradise Junction! (EXITS RIGHT. FRED EXITS LEFT.)JOE: (To AUDIENCE.) It’s the kind of place where everybody’s willing to
lend a hand, even if they each have their own way of doing it.CINDY: (Runs ON LEFT and points OFF LEFT.) Officer Finn! Officer Finn!
Mr. Whiskers is stuck in a tree! (BIG FINN, GERTIE, ERNIE, LOTTE, and CHARLIE ENTER RIGHT while EDNA, FRED, MISS CROTCHET, and MAYOR FLO ENTER LEFT, talking excitedly amongst themselves.)
BIG FINN: Hold on, Cindy. I’ll go get the fire truck. The ladder should be able to reach him.
LOTTE: You can’t use the ladder, Big Finn. Don’t you remember last time? You almost scared the poor thing to death.
CHARLIE: I say we cut the tree down. That thing’s been waiting to fall and crush us all to death.
PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON
ACT ONEScene One:
Bushel basket with red beach balls (FRED)Cat (WILBUR)
Scene Two:Checkbook, pen (HORACE)Notebook, pen (POLLY)
Scene Four:Fishing rod (MAYOR FLO)Document (VELMA)Plate of pie, fork (JOE)Contract (TINA)Notebook, pen (POLLY)
Scene Five:Newspaper (MISS CROTCHET)
Scene Six:Towel (JOE)Newspaper (MISS CROTCHET)Contract (HORACE)
Scene Seven:Two spoons (WILBUR)Cigarette lighter (MARTHA)Two batons (ARABELLA)TV camera (NORA)
Scene Eight:TV camera (NORA)
Scene Nine:TV (FRED, ERNIE)
Scene Ten:Pies (TOWNFOLK)TV camera (NORA)
ACT TWOScene One:
Phones, cameras (TOURIST FAMILY)Phone (MISS CROTCHET)Phone (LOTTE)Phone, cat (CINDY)
Scene Four:Pen, paper (JOE)
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SYNOPSIS OF SCENES
ACT ONEScene One: Town Square, one nearly perfect day.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day.
Scene Three: S&S Auto Repair Shop, the next day.
Scene Four: Mayor’s office, a short time later.
Scene Five: Town Square, the next morning.
Scene Six: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, immediately after.
Scene Seven: Madame LaRue’s Academy for the Terpsichorean Arts, a few days later.
Scene Eight: The Hochelmeiers’, early the next morning.
Scene Nine: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, a week later.
Scene Ten: Town Square, the next day.
ACT TWOScene One: Town Square, a few weeks later.
Scene Two: Rise ’n’ Shine Diner, that same day.
Scene Three: Mayor’s office, a short time later.
Scene Four: McGillicuddy Mart, a short time later.
Scene Five: Wink’s dressing room, a short time later.
Scene Six: Town Square, immediately after.
Scene Five:Makeup kit (WINK)
Scene Six:TV camera (NORA)Newspaper (WILBUR)Bouquet (POLLY)Net with fish (MAYOR FLO)
COSTUMESAlthough the play takes place in the present, Paradise Junction is a little behind the times, so clothes should have an old-fashioned, country feel. What you shouldn’t do is dress the characters like hillbillies. You might want to individualize some of the characters with costume items reflecting their occupations or interests, but be careful; these are real people, not caricatures.
Specifically, at the end of the play, POLLY wears a wedding dress. MARTHA wears a bathrobe during the pre-recorded scene.
PRE-RECORDED TELEVISION SCENEThe action in ACT ONE, Scene Nine takes place in two locations at the same time: inside the diner and on TV. The action on the TV should be pre-recorded and edited to fit with the live action.
Alternatively, place the TV DOWNSTAGE facing UPSTAGE so that the audience cannot see the screen. In this case, only the audio is then needed as a pre-recorded voiceover.
If creating a pre-recorded video, the lines of dialogue that take place in the McGillicuddys’ kitchen should look identical to the same lines performed in ACT ONE, Scene Eight. Of course, in the video, they are now presented in a different order to misconstrue their meaning. Exterior shots of the town and houses can be taken in an actual neighborhood. The doorway scene between Joe and Martha and the shots of Wink can either be shot on the stage set or in front of an actual house.
FLEXIBLE CASTINGFor a smaller cast, the roles of SAM, SAL, and VELMA, as well as TOURIST MOM, TOURIST DAD, and TOURIST GIRL, can be doubled. In addition, several scenes involve large groups of townsfolk. Feel free to reassign lines as needed since it is not always critical which character says which lines. Just make sure the lines fit each character’s personality.
For a larger cast, EXTRA TOWNSFOLK and TOURISTS can be added. Again, feel free to reassign lines to these characters.
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www.pioneerdrama.com
800.333.7262Outside of North America 303.779.4035 Fax 303.779.4315
PO Box 4267Englewood, CO 80155-4267
We’re here to help!For preview only
DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMAWords on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you’re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible:
WHy PIOnEER:
Maintain control of your casting. We know you can’t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch
the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire
cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays.
adapt and custoMize.Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.
Be original.Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year.
take advantage of our teaching tools.Pioneer’s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs – one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production.
it’s like having an assistant.Use our Director’s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes – you’ll love our spiral-bound, 8½” x 11” books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes.
videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.
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