It’s tumid..it’s free...if you can find it “Let the music knock it...* Vol. XIX No. 5

the floralissue...

May 2018

Pepper Spray Times

“...lowering the standards for liberal cities

everywhere...”

Suggested Slogan for the City of Berkeley

“You can kick the ass of the rich. It’s just such a big ass that it takes a long time.”

Congress inconvenienced Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg with hours of pointless questions about things they don’t under-stand but finally concluded that there’s re-ally no upside to scolding billionaires. “It isn’t just the fact that he holds the key to the midterms,” confided one senator. “It dawned on me that I had once shared some personal photographs with a friend that I have no idea how to retrieve.” Other congressional representatives agreed that even asking how to delete in-formation from the internet might put them at risk, and that the thirty-three year-old Zuckerberg had them over a barrel. “They made about eighteen billion last year alone,” noted one senator. “You’re not going to hear a word about booster seats and t-shirts from me.”

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Beloved by Traditionalists, Tech Fawning’s Future Jeopardized

by Impertinant Questioning

Zuckerberg: “It’s Complicated”

CONGRESS AGREES that if the Berkeley Police are still sitting outside 4th Street’s Lu-lulemon looking for crime after more than six months then Congress can of course be equally patient with Zuckerberg until he is ready to make his suggestions regarding his preferred style of internet regulations.

By Nelda Toodadoor

By Louis D. Keys The scooters thrown into the San Francisco bay by the dozens are apparently adapting to their new environment by forming pods and roaming throughout the waterways. “We frankly hated blocking the side-walks,” offered one scooter sunning him-

self on a pier. “We’re very ADA conscious and it’s nicer out here where we’re not in anybody’s way.” “We got tired of people making fun of us,” added another scooter. “Others just hate us. We are just as annoying as Segways without the comedy.” Biologists are in-trigued by the way scooters have taken to the waves and seem to be much more so-cial and playful in the bay than on land.

“They’re a little like dolphins,” observed one local biologist. “They band together and actually play.” The companies which unleashed scooters

Scooters Tossed Into Bay Form Pods

PODS OF SCOOTERS ARE SAILING around the San Francisco Bay after annoyed pedestri-ans dropped them off piers.

on San Francisco’s and other cities’ public streets admitted they were unprepared for the scooter-swimming phenomenon. “We never really thought about the scoot-er-happiness factor,” admitted Bird spokes-man Kenneth Baer. “We never thought about the public inconvenience, either. We just wanted to make some sweet money during the admittedly brief legal loophole we found in San Francisco law. Now we just have to figure out how to monetize something else.

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THE BUSINESS model of dropping scooters anywhere and everywhere ap-parently looked like a great idea to people who love that word “disruptive.”

More Sidewalk Laws:“Maybe this time we’ll get lucky...”

“This is a kinder, gen-tler approach to fas-cism which will help me keep my job.”

The fix was in, but the Berkeley City Council nevertheless held a required Spe-cial Meeting in April to usher in a new set of sidewalk use restrictions for the poor, who inexplicably tend to have lots of per-sonal belongings nearby. “This is a compassionate ordinance,” claimed Mayor Jesse Arreguin, who has clarified that his initial “housing first” sup-port meant housing first for wealthy peo-ple who can afford a Centenario Leyenda $16/32 and then slightly longer stays for people caught in the shelter shuffle. “This is a kinder, gentler approach to fascism which will help me keep my job.” The majority at the meet-ing deplored the mayor’s complete switch from the promises made before his election to the Homeless

By Frank Lee Speaking

Task Force, but the b u s i n e s s community applauded, pointing out that it’s hard to enjoy your mez-cal flight while hun-gry people are congre-

gated outside the restaurant. “It’s bad for business,” stat-ed David Brower Center’s Executive Director Laurie Rich. “Poor people need to understand that.”

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POOR AND HOMELESS peo-ple need to understand that more sidewalk restrictions may not have been effective at address-ing social inequities and poverty before, but hey, there’s always a first time.

ASK THE EXPERTS

LENA DEETER knows the answers to everything forwards and backwards.

Dear Lena, I was never on Facebook, but why can’t I sue Facebook for destroying the world? And come to think of it, why can’t I sue all these stupid people who were on Facebook for destroying the world? I knew better than to have any-thing to do with Zuckerberg, but Trump is president now thanks to this suppos-edly benign “sharing” economy and my world is fucking doomed.

Dear reader, Yes. We are all doomed. Please do sue him and all the stupid Face-book people along with him. Count on me to be in the courtroom rooting for you and enjoying one of the last few places where glowing, beeping screens are disallowed.

Dear Lena, Berkeley is pouring so much pesticide into the ground up in Tilden that it has burned patterns into what’s left of the grass. Isn’t that our water-shed? What is up with this.

Dear reader, we at the Pepper Spray Times are much less fussy about Garlon and Round-Up at our picnics after years of in-haling the very best of pepper spray. My advice is that you try not to read the East Bay Regional Park District’s annual pes-ticide report right there on their website where they explain how all this stuff is ac-tually good for you.

Dear Lena, so I hear all the tables and chairs and stuff put out by businesses is illegal due to some city snafu. Can I put out tables and chairs myself just for fun in the sun?

Dear reader, of course. Bring your friends. Play cards. Have a picnic. It is a rare mo-ment in civic life when the sidewalks are not just for priviledged, business-connected commercial purposes but for anybody who wants to play a board game. The key re-mains “intent” to block someone’s passage, so just be the gentle soul you probably are and allow people to get around you without issue and, if life were fair, there should be no problems. But of course, life is not fair.

Ask Lena about purpose and passion at cden-ney@igc.org.

By Thelma Thoul

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is com-mitting $125 million dollars toward helping computers understand ordinary common sense, calling most artificial intelligence (AI) research “stalled.” Most industry experts acknowledge that while many machines can recognize ob-jects and spoken words, they struggle with basic tasks a three-year-old finds easy. “Just ask Alexa to walk the dog,” agreed a local resident standing in the rain waiting for her chihuahua to do its business. “Or put away the groceries. It’s pathetic.” AI’s shortcomings appear to be having no effect on popular or political enthusiasm for putting robotic cars on the road or in-stalling AI robots in medical or school set-tings despite the lunacy of putting any trust in machines without the common sense of a child of three. Allen’s effort, known as Project Alexan-dria, will focus on helping machines answer simple questions, such as “if I put my socks in a drawer, will they still be in there tomor-row?” or “how can you tell if a milk carton

Microsoft Co-founder Tries Creating Artificial Intelligence

Shortage of Real Intelligence Inspires Possibly Futile Search for Ordinary Common Sense

MICROSOFT CO-FOUND-ER Paul Allen is giving up on finding any human form of common sense.

is full?”, which involve decep-tively com-plex equations such as “do you share your sock drawer with your little brother?” or “is there a ferret on the premises?” “Machines need our help with these thorny issues,” stated Allen. “We need to show them com-passion and make sure they are free of complex liability burdens before they are fully employed on our freeways and faculty tenure committees.” Critics objected that it would make more sense to incentivize tech CEOs to use more common sense, but were dismissed by Al-len, who said it had been tried. “We’ve spent decades trying that,” stated Allen. “There’s still hope for machines.”

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“Let your dollars do the voting,” recom-mended Attorney General Jeff Sessions, in a recent speech celebrating “anglo-Ameri-can heritage” at the semiannual Peace Offi-cer Combatting Homelessness Conference in Las Vegas. Sessions cited a newly released study conducted by UC Berkeley’s V. Weighin and his team of political science PhD can-

didates, saying “the cost of an election far exceeds the value provided by official voter mea-surement.” Professor Weighin weighed in stating “since Citizens United, the one person one vote model is a zero sum mystification of our current democracy.” The white paper suggests that small donors can always be outbid by anonymous do-nors such that “citizen concern for issues merely lines media pockets with gold-plated rat-ings in the promotion of ac-

tions destined never to happen, no matter who sits in the seats of power, and runs the risk of creating widespread depression and anxiety for voters much better off going to

By the Sugarcone GroupAssociative Pressto International

Shy Billionaires Applaud New Influence Opportunities

The Real Scoop

PRESIDENT TRUMP IS WORKING HARD every day making America great again.

a movie.” The Foundation for a Better America added their approval, emphasizing that “such a policy enables shy billionaires to speak from the closet without fear of being reported for his or her choices, which can run the risk of harming corporate bottom lines.” Academic consensus affirms counting the money raised to back any candidate or proposition would better determine voter probability on any issue without the exces-sive waste represented by elections. “Think of what this money could do for developing countries,” declared former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson on his trip to Turkey to scold the Nato ally for not pur-chasing US missiles. “Plus,” he concluded firmly, “by not holding elections there’ll be no chance of Russian meddling - a win-win all around.”

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V O T E R S i n f l u e n c e might not be worth any-thing at all if academic assessments hold true.

We Can’t Draw Comics by Franz Toast

By Solomon Mydreams

An alarming report published by UC Berkeley and the University of Arizona

uses satellite radar to esti-mate that ris-ing sea levels will join sink-ing coasts to alter shore-lines beyond the two to six feet previous-ly estimated by the end of

the century. “We are so fucked,” stated Roland Burg-mann, co-author of the study who spe-cializes in planetary science. “Boot your beachfront property now.” But many species dis-missed the alarmist response to the study’s conclusions that 48 to 165 square miles of shoreline is at risk of being underwater in a few short decades. “Humans tend to underrate being un-derwater,” stated a spokesfish for local sardines. “Studies such as this one tend to evaluate sea level rise and shoreline sub-

“If it’s what we think it is, we love it.”

Manatees Welcome Sea Level Rise

MANATEES ARE LESS ALARMED about rising sea levels and sinking coast-lines than developers.

sidence from only one species’ very limited point of view.” “It’s discrimination, plain and simple,” added another sardine who held a sign criticizing humans’ overfishing for the

plummeting numbers in the coastal sardine population. “Being underwater really works for some of us.” “If it’s what we think it

is, we love it,” stated a manatee who read the study and called in to a local talk show from Florida’s everglades. “We’re buying up shoreline property as fast as humans list it. It’s paradise down here.”

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“...What you dump here, stays here...”

“...Save yourself...”

”If you lived here, you’d be homeless

by now...”

Failed City Mottos...

By Lawson Forgotten

Experts: Yes, It Can Get Even

Weirder Than This

The news that President Donald Trump’s lawyer’s secret client is Fox News’ star

Sean Hannity struck many as strange, even in a year of strange news, but experts as-sured the public that it can in fact get even stranger yet. “Speculating on-air has be-come the norm,” pointed out one media expert, “which en-ables anybody, really, to argue that they are qualified for a spot on a broadcast team.” “Sean Spicer, for instance, could be a Trump love child, which would explain the cu-rious willingness to have the

histrionic press briefings we’ve all gotten used to,” observed Dr. Moses Lawnalot, an expert on innovations in media. “Speculation entitles us to cover a lot of ground,” asserted his assistant, Dr. Nora Treat. “A lot of us have bets on an Ivanka surge, especially if she changes her hairdo at a crucial moment before the election. It might seem weird, but what doesn’t.”

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M E D I A EXPERTS haven’t giv-en up trying to explain what’s go-ing on.

SEA LEVEL RISE might end up enhancing your very own property values with a lovely ocean view.

Observations on the landmarking of Campanile Way... by P.C. Keen

Next Issue: Frying sprinkler-heads with celebrities!

The Berkeley Police Department (BPD) has confirmed that Berkeley police officers are in fact for sale, although Berkeley citi-zens would have to outbid Apple and Lu-lulemon to personally acquire them. “Apple and Lululemon are paying top overtime fees of around $100 an hour,” stated Chief of Police Andrew Greenwood who expanded what had been about $5,000 of discreet but sweet Christmas overtime in the era of previous Police Chief Meehan to well over $100,000 in premium overtime by sometimes two cops in full uniform only occasionally strolling from two brand new police vehicles for which neither store, ac-cording to police records, paid a dime. Nearby crime-ridden districts admitted envying the opportunity that rich compa-nies have to simply buy police services badly needed elsewhere. “We can’t really outbid that $100 an hour

Berkeley Cops For Sale!By Bridget Highwater

We appreciate those who understand that satire is serious business.

Hardly available anywhere; mailed or emailed to your door for a modest bribeof $12 - $20/yr.

Plagiarize wildly; donations gladly accepted.*Henry VIII

From: Pepper Spray Times1970 San Pablo Ave. #4Berkeley, CA 94702cdenney@igc.orgwww.caroldenney.com

Pepper Spray Times StaffEditor............................Grace UnderpressureArt Director...............................Egon SchieleComics...................................Don D. FerreraDistribution.................................Rhoda BoatStaff........Frank Lee Speaking, Louis D. Keys, Nelda Toodadoor, Lena Deeter, the Sugarcone Group, Thelma Thoul, Law-son Forgotten, Solomon Mydreams, Lynn Riordan, P. C. Keen, Franz Toast, Bridget Highwater, the Berkeley Police Department, Doug Minkler, Juan Nathan Undergod

Pepper Spray Times is made possible by the natural comedy inherent in the local political landscape and all its inhabitants, best exemplified by (see below)...Want to help distribute? Contact us for copies or just make

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To:

I Want My Present Now by Juan Nathan Undergod

LULULEMON AND APPLE may be paying the officers who sit outside the tony 4th Street stores all day, but the publicly owned cars, uniforms, and weapons, and other police tools are apparently free according to po-lice records. Arrange for an empty car in front of your store and watch your shoplifting costs go way down!

these officers are scooping up,” sighed one store owner on San Pablo Avenue. “But since BPD isn’t charging them a dime for the city’s equipment, we’re hoping we can just borrow the cop car.”

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