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Winter/Spring 2015
Celebrations: What to do? When it comes to celebrating our child’s birthday, there’s one question that often comes up at our monthly meetings: What to do? These three little words have such a big impact on our lives. It doesn’t seem to matter what the occasion is; as grieving parents, grandparents, and siblings, it is one more decision we have to make when we are at our most vulnerable. Everyone seems to have an opinion about what they think we should do, and many times they don’t agree with what we would like to do.
A celebration of any kind usually triggers emotions that can cause feelings of regret and unmeasurable pain that only others who walk in our shoes can possibly understand. For me, these emotions are especially strong in February, which would have been my son Donald’s 30th birthday. Birthdays are especially hard for me because this was the day I brought him into the world, with all the hopes that brings. Birthdays remind us of the expectations we had the first time we held our child—where they would go to school, what career they would choose, would they fall in love, marry, and have children… Many of our children did not have a chance to experience these things, and if they did, they were all still taken too soon.
So back to the question, what to do? Do you have a cake—why not? Purchase a gift and give it away—why not? Buy balloons and send them off into the heavens—why not? My answer to those who don’t understand what we do is, “Why not?” Choosing to celebrate an occasion or not to celebrate it should be a decision that you make. There is no right or wrong, just what feels right for you—and what you choose do this time may be different the next.
Donald loved his birthday. We always had two celebrations—one for family and one for friends—with cake and lots of food. So on February 25th I will celebrate the beautiful child I brought into this world. Maybe I’ll have cake, or buy a gift, or send balloons into the heavens… I don’t know yet, but I will do what feels right. As we walk along this path of grief, we learn from others what works and what doesn’t.
My message is what you hear at many of our meetings: do what you can, take it slow, and know that whatever you choose to do or not to do is your decision.
Sheila Chapter Co-Leader !!
Donald (far right) celebrating his graduation with his family.
In Memory of Our Children As long as we live, our children too shall live, for they are part of us in our memories. We lovingly remember the following children on Their Anniversary.
Christine Marie Bernier Derrick Blair Christopher Robert Boone Kendra Bowers Adam Joseph Brackett
Madeline Courtemanche PFC Kyle Joseph Coutu Gregory S. Earley George Eaton, Jr. Jay Lawrence
Jeffrey Wood Martin Jeffrey Stephen Shank Julianne Smith Samantha Walsh Conor Alexis Young
Natalie Joy Adamo Melissa E. Allin Linda Marie Caito John David Barthlomew Cinquegrana Gabrielle Dinsmore Kevin Woodbine Gaudreau Servulo J. Gonsalves
Peter Anthony Alexander Habib Stephen Hallisey Sandi Igliozzi Jennifer Leigh Lesperance Reid Christopher McDermott Matthew McGowan Christopher J. Meehan Candice Myrick
Andrew Patterson Brendan Matthew O’Connell Roberti Alfred “A.D.” Silvia, III Joshua Turcotte Terry Wallas Bobby Wallas Beau Wennermark
February
Matthew Arsenault Nathaniel Robert Asselin Michael Barry Paul Jospeh Battey Alison Bowman Luigi Civitelli Richard Collins David D. DeMoura Gary E. DeMoura
Traci L. DeMoura Marissa Gardner Nelly Kago Dylan Paul Lapham Stephen Leach Christopher Mark Leahey Jamie Mayer Steven P. Neary Martha Noble
Nathan Parker Heather Saad Marissa Salabert Patricia Lynn Salera Sheldon Schobel Matthew K. Serio Gregor Smith Joshua Smith De-Mitri J.C. Todd
April
March
OUR MISSION: To assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the
death of a child of any age and to provide help to others to be supportive.
Birthday Remembrances We celebrate the day they were born and hold them in our hearts forever.
Brandon Bellucci Linda Marie Caito Jessie Crum Jamie Dale Ebert Rebecca Eisen Marc T. Fears Todd Gareau
Servulo J. Gonsalves Rebecca Greene Thomas P. Kenney Jeffrey S. Monica Candice Myrick Lauren Rose Norwood
Brendan Matthew O’Connell Roberti Anisa Amber Rossi Patricia Lynn Salera Angela Rose Sbardella Jeffrey Stephen Shank Julianne Smith
FebruaryAngeline Nayah Antoine Matthew Arsenault Christiano Barbosa Adam Joseph Brackett Donald Anthony Capasso Daniel John Coleman Richard Collins PFC Kyle Joseph Coutu Gary E. DeMoura Nicholas Dobbe
Jeniya Angelli Marie Ebert Jennifer Golouski Peter Anthony Alexander Habib Matthew George Iavarone John Anthony Koczan Jay Lawrence Stephen Leach Jennifer Leigh Lesperance Reid Christopher McDermott Jennifer Lynn Peterson
Heather Saad Brent Douglas Sheldon Emma Elizabeth Soares Sam Oliver Stein Justin Michael Berkley Straus Michael Travis Jonathan Blake Waxler Rebeckha Lynn Whitefield !
March
Justin Barber Jason David Bates Richard W. Buteau Anthony Stephen Casale Christopher Jacob Costello Anthony Michael D’Arezzo Gabrielle Dinsmore
Nicholas Gershkoff Stephen Hallisey Christopher Higgins Raymond Louis Leoncavallo Matthew McGowan Gregory “Josh” Montigny Joslyn Moynagh
Louie Moynihan Andrew Patterson Stephanie Porter Joshua Smith Brian Squadrito Justin Troiano Sharyn Yanku-Wilk
April
Jeffrey Wood Martin – Happy Birthday and Memories of your Anniversary, Love, Mom Martha Noble – Happy 36th Birthday, miss you more each year, Love, Mom Justin Marron – Love and deeply missed everyday, Love, Mom Bobby “Bo” Desmet – You are and always will be the love of our life, Miss and love you everyday, Mom, Terri, and Tiffani Kameron Montanino – Love, Mom Kameron Montanino – In your memory, Eastern Bank Brandi Lyn Burgess – Lovingly remembered at Christmas and Always, Love, Raymond and Deborah O’Riley Tyler Williams – In your memory, Bethany Cunningham Christopher Higgins – Always with me, Love forever, Mom XO Christopher Higgins – I miss your smile, Love Always, Mom XO Brian Squadrito – On your Anniversary, Love Always, Mom Dina Marie Davis – Love, Dad Anthony Michael D’Arezzo and Lawrence D’Arezzo – Love, Dad and Uncle Jeffery Stephen Shank – Love and missed every day. Love, Mom and Dad !
Gifts & Remembrance Garden Love GiftsA Love Gift is a living memorial ! your child. Usually given on bir#days, anniversaries of #eir dea#s, holidays, or just ! remember. Our #anks ! #e following for #eir generous dona$ons.
The Capasso Family in Memory of Their Son Donald, Love Always Karen Young, Love, Mom and Dad In Memory of my Beloved Luigi – Auntie Carmen John Anthony Koczan – Merry Christmas, Love, Mom and Dad Angela Rose Sbardella – Merry Christmas, Love, Dad Christopher Valliere, Merry Christmas in Heaven, Love, Mom, Dad, and Craig Patrick Barbosa – My Beloved son, not a moment goes by without loving and thinking of you, Merry Christmas in Heaven, Love, Mom Caitlyn Marie Adler – Caitlyn we miss and love you so much. Merry Christmas. Love, Dad, Mom, and Rachel Marie Noble – Merry Christmas, Martha. We Love you and miss you. Mom and Liz
Candle Lighting Remembrance Gifts
Thank You for your donations in memory of Our Children.
Valentine Message
I send this message to my child Who no longer walks this plane, A message filled with love Yet also filled with pain. !My heart continues to skip a beat When I ponder your early death As I think of times we’ll never share I must stop to catch my breath. !Valentine’s Day is for those who love And for those who receive love, too For a parent the perfect love in life Is the love I’ve given you. !I’m thinking of you this day, my child, With a sadness that is unspoken As I mark another Valentine’s Day With a heart that is forever broken. !
Annette Mennen Baldwin TCF Katy, TX
In Memory of my son, Todd Mennen
Groundhog Day !According to folklore, every year on this day, a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil, in a little town by the same name in Pennsylvania, wakes from his winter slumber, rises from his cozy little burrow and gazes about at his surroundings. Legend has it that if he doesn’t see his shadow, he shakes himself off and ventures out to welcome an early spring. If he sees his shadow, he becomes frightened and quickly retreats down his hole to safety where he goes back to sleep and the winter weather continues. This year Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, thus predicting another six more weeks of winter. !When we lose a child, we seem to linger in a perpetual winter. For a very long time we see our world as a barren winter landscape. The warmth and love that our children brought to our hearts has been ripped away by their death and we’re left with a cold aching void. We are a little like Punxsutawney Phil. We might be afraid to come to our first Compassionate Friends meeting. We may want to hide from the world and stay in our burrows. But if we are very brave and come to a meeting, we will meet others who have survived the long cold winter of their hearts. We gather to share our stories, support each other, love each other and very slowly we begin to and rejoin life as best we can. Remember, we need not walk alone. !
Janet G. ReyesTCF/AAC
Keeping in Touch
Please let us know if you have had a change of name or address so we can update our newsletter mailing list. If you wish to be removed from our mailing list, please email Lucille at [email protected].
A Therapeutic Facebook Post !This past week has been a rough one for me. I got an email about a project I’ve been working on that upset me and triggered my grief in an unexpected way. Two days later, someone else confronted me about something I said at a recent meeting that also took me by surprise and made me feel bad. Without going into details, both events left me feeling misunderstood, under-appreciated, and just plain bad. And both events related to Natalie in an indirect way, which caused my sorrow to flood to the surface along with lots of tears. In both cases, it seemed that the people involved had completely forgotten that I lost a child. It reminded me of the platitudes people say: “I can’t imagine what it’s like…” and “I’d do anything to take away your pain…” When push comes to shove, people look out for their own interests, often forgetting to give us grievers the benefit of the doubt or treat us with a little more kindness. !Seeing my pain, my husband posted the following message on my Facebook page (without my knowledge) asking my friends for support and kindness. They responded with love and compassion, which helped me feel better under the circumstances. Lucille thought I should share the post, so here it is. !
Beth Adamo (Natalie’s mom) TCF Providence !
Facebook post by Christopher Adamo: So I will ask my lovely wife’s forgiveness for using this forum later, but I thought this might be the most expedient way to reach many of the people in our lives who matter. Every year when the holidays end and winter begins to wane my family is faced with the anniversary of our precious beloved Natalie Joy’s passing. We try very hard not to let it overshadow our everyday affairs and some years we are more successful than others. This year is turning out to be not one of our more successful ones. Maybe it is the coming of the Spring Auction at my son’s school, maybe it is the poignancy of watching him grow and develop (and her, not), maybe it is just the power of grief from the still unfathomable recognition that conditions were just not favorable for her life to continue to manifest, but this year’s anticipation of March 18th is proving to be particularly difficult.
!It seems we can be overly sensitive at this time. We can be curt or dismissive. We can feel put out or misunderstood or under-appreciated. We can say things we don’t mean. We can express our frustration with the feelings of powerlessness in ways that may be unbecoming. Grief is a strange and dreadful bedfellow, rearing its ugly head in disarming and often unrecognizable ways. Please allow me to ask for your forgiveness and understanding. Please accept our apologies. And if you can please purposefully express your understanding and show your love and support. We need it. We are sorry for not being stronger or “over it.” We are doing our best, but it still hurts. Thank you.
Save the Date: 2015 TCF National Conference
For more information, visit: www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Conferences/National_Conferences.aspx
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!10!Dail!Drive!North!Providence,!RI!02911! Return!Service!Requested!
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Love Gift Donation
Name:_________________________________________________________!!!Address:______________________________________________________!! ! ! ! ++City:+___________________________State:+________Zip:_____________++In+Loving+Memory+of:______________________________________________________ !Birth!Date:!___________________________Death!Date:______________________!!Love!Gift:!$__________!Message:______________________________________________________________!_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Your+tax>deductible+donations+help+defray+the+costs+for+the+Newsletter,+postage,+and+other+chapter+expenses,+and+help+for+others+who+are+grieving.++Your+donations+are+greatly+appreciated+and+will+be+acknowledged+in+the+newsletter.+Checks+are+to+be+made+payable+to+TCF+Greater+Providence+Chapter.+
+Send+Donations+to:+
Co>Leader:+Lucille+Valliere,+10+Dail+Drive++N.+Providence,+RI+02911+
+
Name _______________________________________________________________ !Address _____________________________________________________________ !City _________________________________________ State ______ ZIP ________________ !In Loving Memory Of _______________________________________________________________ !Love Gift $ ______________________ Message __________________________________________ !___________________________________________________________________________________ !I would like my Love Gift to go toward (please check one): General Chapter expenses Upkeep of our Remembrance Garden !Your tax-deductible donation provides help for those who are grieving. General Chapter expenses helps defray the cost for the newsletter, postage, and other Chapter expenses. Upkeep of our Remembrance Garden goes toward lawn care and garden maintenance. Your donation is greatly appreciated and will be acknowledged in this newsletter. Please make your check payable to: TCF Greater Providence Chapter. !Please send donations to: Co-Leader Lucille Valliere 10 Dail Drive North Providence, RI 02911 !
Name ______________________________________________________ Phone #_______________________ !Address _______________________________________________________________ Apt. #______________ !City __________________________________________________ State ______ ZIP _____________________ !Please clearly print your child’s name as you would like it to appear in the stone walkway: !Child’s Name ______________________________________________________________________________ !Please enclose a check for $50 made payable to TCF Greater Providence Chapter and mail to: Co-Leader Lucille Valliere 10 Dail Drive North Providence, RI 02911 !
2015 Remembrance Garden Walkway Engraving Form !If you would like to add your child’s name to the stone walkway in our Remembrance Garden in downtown Providence, please use the form below. The cost for the engraving is $50. If you have any questions, please contact Lucille at (401) 231-9229.
10 Dail Drive North Providence, RI 02911 !tcfprovidence.com
Upcoming Events !Our regular support group meetings take place on the second Monday of each month. All meetings begin at 7:00 p.m. at the Central Congregational Church, 296 Angell St., Providence, RI. !• February 9 • March 9 • April 13 • May 11
