Chapter 11: A Question of StyleCopyright © 2011

“All grown-ups were once children... but only few of them remember it.” Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

In earlier chapters, we discussed the various stages of writing, and the steps that lead to an effective outcome. Effective essays require planning, being organized, and taking it one step at a time. The steps include:

Steps in Writing an EssayPrewriting planning then organizing your essay

Drafting writing your essay according to your plan

Revising for Organization

assuring that the organization of your essay is sound and meets the organizational pattern outlined in this text

Revising for Style reviewing and revising your essay for the readability of the sentences – how they sound to the ear

Editing making the grammar, spelling, and punctuation right

The Organization of the Essay

1. Introductiona. Get the readers’ interestb. Set the background or context for your topic

2. Thesis Statement3. Support Paragraphs

a. Topic Sentenceb. General Supportc. Specific Support

4. Conclusiona. Restate Thesis in different wordsb. Take the readers a step further

Of all the steps in writing a successful essay, perhaps the most difficult to teach is “revising the essay for how the sentences sound” — what we call style. That’s because style is like playing a musical instrument — some people are “naturals” at playing music, and others have a bit of a “tin ear” so that playing music seems to be impossible.

Hey, this is fun!http://rwtc.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/practice_guitar.jpg

Here’s the good news: More elements of style can be taught than people think. You can learn to revise your essays for the “elements of style” and even be very good at it. No one who is willing to work hard has a “tin ear” in writing.

Tin ear: An insensitivity to music or to sounds of a given kind: a writer with a tin ear for dialogue. Example: “I think I had better not try to sing along with you. I have a tin ear and would ruin your performance.” Tin refers to a cheap metal that was used in many products before the invention of plastics after WWII.

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/tin+ear http://everything2.com/title/tin+ear

If you believe you have a tin ear in writing, don’t be discouraged. It may take a bit more work, but you can still write essays that are pleasing to the ear and communicate effectively. This chapter explains how through a series of writing tutor sessions.

The Writing Tutor Session 1: Using your own voice.

“How do I make my writing believable?”http://calstate.fullerton.edu/news/Inside/2009/photos/business-tutoring2.jpg

One important component of style is to use your own voice. That doesn’t mean writing as you would text message with lots of abbreviations, letters removed, slang, and incomplete sentences. To write an academic essay, the grammar must be right, abbreviations avoided, spelling must be correct, and you must write in full sentences. Sorry about all that!

According to Vicki Spandel in the Blog, Discover Writing, “Using your own voice [are the] verbal fingerprints that a writer imprints on the page. It is a mix of individuality, confidence, engagement with the topic, and reader rapport, something that keeps the reader reading.”

And Red Musing writes in his book, Musing on Writing and Communication: “By writing in my own voice, I give you a glimpse into my world, my head, my heart.”

By writing in your own voice, the reader gets a sense of you, your personality and sense of self, rather than getting a sense of a student pretending to be someone else.

Frank McCourt, the best-selling author of Angela’s Ashes, had this to say about finding his own voice in writing: “After 20 pages of standard omniscient* author, I wrote something that I thought was just a note to myself, about sitting on a seesaw in a playground, and I found my voice, the voice of a child. That was it. It carried me through to the end of the book.”

*[Omniscient: having very great or seemingly unlimited

knowledge] – in other words, not his own voice!http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/omniscient

Here’s a sample of Frank McCourt’s writing style (using the voice of a child) from Angela’s Ashes, published by Scribner, in which Frank McCourt recounts the day of his First Communion:

The night before I was so excited I couldn’t sleep till dawn. I’d still be sleeping if my grandmother hadn’t come banging at the door.

Get up! Get up! Get that child outa the bed. Happiest day of his life an’ him snorin’ above in the bed.

I ran to the kitchen. Take off that shirt, she said. I took off the shirt and she pushed me into a tin tub of icy cold water. My mother scrubbed me, my grandmother scrubbed me. I was raw, I was red.

They dried me. They dressed me in my black velvet First Communion suit with the white frilly shirt, the short pants, the white stockings, the black patent leather shoes. Around my arm they tied a white satin bow and on my lapel they pinned the Sacred Heart of Jesus, a picture of the Sacred Heart, with blood dripping from it, flames erupting all around it and on top a nasty-looking crown of thorns.

Come here till I comb your hair, said Grandma. Look at that mop, it won’t lie down. You didn’t get that hair from my side of the family. That’s that North of Ireland hair you got from your father. That’s the kind of hair you see on Presbyterians. If your mother had married a proper decent Limerickman you wouldn’t have this standing up, North of Ireland, Presbyterian hair.

She spat twice on my head.

Grandma, will you please stop spitting on my head.

If you have anything to say, shut up. A little spit won’t kill you. Come on, we’ll be late for the Mass.

The New York TimesNew York Review of Bookshttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/20/books/20mccourtbox1.html?ref=books

Frank McCourt, teacher, New York City Schools, 1983 http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2009/07/20/obituaries/20mccourt04.span.ready.html

What Frank McCourt learned as a writer and a writing teacher was that a big problem in college writing is that often the role models (professors who teach your classes) are not a good model to help you to learn to write well and find your own voice. In fact, copying your professor’s writing style just might lead you in exactly the wrong direction! As is so often true of professors, their essays, filled with long paragraphs, complicated sentences, and fancy words, do not mean good writing. Organized paragraphs, straightforward sentences, and words that are never more complicated than needed to do the job are necessary for good writing. Using your own voice creates writing that communicates, not impresses. The first step in finding your own voice is to let go of your professor’s writing style; he is not your role model — clear communication is.

An important Lesson to find your writing voice is to understand the correct pronoun form for the type of essay you’re writing. Here’s a review of pronouns and their uses in essays.

The Writing Tutor Session 2: Ways to make pronouns work in your essays.

Lesson 1

“When is it okay to use the first person pronoun, like I or We?”http://www.dvc.edu/commoncontent/tutoring-services/images/tutoring1.jpg

Use the first person pronoun (I or We) for informal writing including narrative (telling a story), journaling, and personal writing. Here’s an example of an informal essay written in the first person.

Melissa WinstonENG 0902/2/09Journal Essay

To Know My Future

If I were to know one thing about my future, I would want to know if my family and I would be financially stable. My husband and I have decided to both go back to school now that we have three kids. We have a two year-old little girl who is as smart as a whip and four-month old twin boys. I want to be able to be financially set with a good job so that I am able to provide my family with the necessary things in life like a home, food on the table, and health, as well as the fun and entertaining things like having my kids play sports, eating out, seeing a movie on weekends, and taking family vacations.

I had a good job as a medical assistant for a large cardiology clinic before I found out I was pregnant with twins. When I was about three months pregnant, my husband and I decided that I was going to have to be a stay at home mom because we couldn’t afford daycare let alone rent or a mortgage for a family sized home, and it’s

especially worrying that we can’t afford health care. Things have been tight for us for the last few months on only one income. My husband and I decided this would be the perfect time for me to get my nursing degree and his criminal justice degree. We want to be able to give our children a better, but not spoiled, life than we had growing up. Neither my husband nor I were able to go to college when we were eighteen. Now at twenty-six and twenty-eight, we have a second chance. We believe that with college degrees we can make that better life happen.

It’s impossible to look into the future to see what is in store for us. After all, who predicted the financial meltdown our country finds itself in, where so many of our friends have lost their jobs? Still, we hope that by returning to college we have helped to shift the odds in our favor. Being financially stable would be the only thing that I would want to know about my future.

Notice how the first person pronoun “I” helps readers get to know the student writer and her personality. You get a sense of determination, motivation, and intelligence, along with a bit of concern about bringing kids into a world when their parents’ future prospects are not certain. You can guess that she gets along well with her husband, that they communicate, and support one another. You want Melissa to succeed and you believe her because she uses her own voice in a personal essay.

The Writing Tutor Session 2: Ways to make pronouns work for you in your essays.

Lesson 2

“How do I decide when to use the second person pronoun (you) in my essays?”

http://ioanalazarov.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Tutors_Avatar.jpg

Using the second person pronoun you is tricky because the pronoun you can easily be misused or overused in writing. Students lapse into the second person in many of their essays because that’s the pronoun they use when talking with friends. On the one hand, using you in a personal essay separates the reader from the writing and the personality of the writer. The result: the reader loses interest. On the other hand, in a formal essay, using you makes it seem like the writer is trying to talk to the reader, and conversations are by definition informal. In formal essays, like you’re often assigned in college, it’s better to use the third person pronoun: he, she, it, they, and occasionally one. Still, there is no rule against using the second person pronoun you. Used sparingly, the second person can even create variety in the writing.

The exception when it’s okay to use the second person pronoun is the process essay – that’s writing that explains how to do something like change the oil, bake a cake, study for an exam, or explain how to write essays,(like this book, for example). It’s also okay to use the second person pronoun for a persuasive essay – writing that convinces the readers to see an issue as you do.

Here’s an example of a process essay that effectively makes use of the second person.

Kool-Aid, Oh yeah!

It has been said that Kool-Aid makes the world go 'round. Let it be advised, however, that without the proper tools and directions, the great American beverage is nothing more than an envelope of unsweetened powder. There are five simple steps to create this candy-tasting concoction.

Picking the proper packet of flavoring is the first step in making Kool-Aid. Check the grocer's shelf for a wide variety, ranging from Mountain Berry Punch to Tropical Blue Hawaiian. If it is a difficult decision for you, knock yourself out and buy two. The packets usually run under 65 cents.

After choosing the flavor that best suits your taste buds, the second step is making sure that your kitchen houses some necessary equipment for making the Kool-Aid. Find a two-quart pitcher. Plastic is nice, but glass pitchers allow the liquid to shine through and add festive coloration to any refrigerator shelf. Next, find a long-handled wooden spoon, a one-cup measuring cup, a water faucet that spouts drinkable water, usable white sugar, and an ice cube tray full of ice. Then, you are ready to mix.

Third, grab the left edge of the Kool-Aid packet between your thumb and index finger. With your other hand, begin peeling the upper-left corner until the entire top of the envelope is removed. Next, dump the contents of the envelope into the pitcher. Notice how the powder floats before settling on the bottom of the pitcher. Then, take the measuring cup and scoop two cups of sugar into the pitcher as well. At this point, adding the water is a crucial step. Place the pitcher under the water faucet and slowly turn on the cold water. If the water is turned on too quickly, powder will fly all over when the initial gusts of water hit. After the pitcher is filled within two inches of the top, turn the water off and get prepared to stir. With the wooden spoon submersed three-quarters of the way in the liquid, vigorously stir in a clockwise motion until all of the powder is dissolved. Taste it. If the Kool-Aid is not sweet enough, feel free to add more sugar.

Fourth, when you are finished seasoning the Kool-Aid to your liking, rinse off the spoon and the measuring cup. Take a glass from the cupboard. An eight-ounce glass is usually sufficient. But stronger thirsts might prefer a 32-ounce mug. Add ice and then fill the glass with Kool-Aid. Find a comfortable chair, put your feet up, and drink away. After all, Kool-Aid makes the world go 'round.

St. Cloud State University – LEO: Literacy Education Onlinehttp://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/process.html

This essay would have many more sentences with the second person pronoun you, but the writer makes use of a writing strategy where the second person pronoun you is implied but not stated. The implied second person you is at work whenever you ask for directions. For example, you might ask, “How do I get to 34th street?” The person helping you would answer: [You] “take the second left. Go three blocks, and at the light take a right…” Each sentence in the directions has an implied second person pronoun you for the Subject. Written out in long hand, you would get: “[You] take the second left. [You] go three blocks, and at the light [you] take a right…”

http://scripting.com/images/koolAidPacketGrape.gif

Kool-Aid: A Brief History

Kool-Aid was invented by Edwin Perkins in Hastings, Nebraska. All of his experiments took place in his mother's kitchen. Its predecessor was a liquid concentrate called Fruit Smack. To reduce shipping costs, in 1927, Perkins discovered a way to remove the liquid from Fruit Smack, leaving only a powder. This powder was named Kool-Aid. By 1931, the drink was already popular nationwide because it could be stored as a powder at a time when most people did not have refrigerators. The powdered beverage was also inexpensive, selling well during the Great Depression. Kool-Aid was sold to General Foods in 1953 and later to Kraft Foods.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/300572-ingredients-nutrition-information-for-lemonade-kool-aid/#ixzz1zOdae6ez

Here’s an example of an illustration essay that should mostly use the third person pronouns (he/him, she/her, it, they/them), but the writer often lapses into the second person pronoun you. We’ll present two drafts of the essay: the first has both the second and third person pronoun, and the second draft has been revised to rid the essay of most of the second person pronoun references (see blue type).

Advantages of Going to College – Two Drafts

First Draft Revised Draft

Does working at your local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound

Does working at a local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after high school? It doesn’t sound like

like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important for you to take a look at college before going out on your own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages college gives you. Going to college can give you more job options, more all around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where you take it.

When people go to college, they can learn about anything they are interested in. Learning about what you are interested in will make you more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important to take a look at college before going out on your own.

After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages of going to college. Going to college can give more job options, more all around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where you take it.

When people go to college, they can learn about anything they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make applicants more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

Notice how the first draft moves back and forth from the third person pronoun (he, she, they, it, one) to the second person (you, your). In the second draft, the student writer makes occasional use of the second person pronoun you, but more often she revises or edits out the second person pronoun you in the following ways:

1. Take out the second person pronoun (you) altogether. In most cases, the second person pronoun (you, your) is just extra wording. Removing any words that are not needed improves the writing (See further discussion below). Here are some examples:

“working at your local fast food restaurant” can be changed to “working at a local fast food restaurant”

“Many people don’t know the advantages going to college gives you.” can be changed to “Many people don’t know the advantages of going to college.”

“College can give you more job options.” can be changed to “College gives more job options.”

2. Change the second person pronoun (you) to the plural third person pronoun (they/their/them), or you can use a plural noun (students, people, workers, etc.).

“what you are interested in” can be changed to “what people are interested in”

“When the company hires you, you are expected to start work the next day.” can be changed to “The company expects new employees to start work the next day.”

“Completing an internship will make you more qualified.” can be changed to “Completing internships makes applicants more qualified.”

3. Occasionally, it’s okay to substitute singular third person pronouns (one) or a double pronoun (he or she), (his or her), (her or him) for the second person pronoun (you/your).

“will make you more qualified” can be changed to “will make him or her more qualified”

“will make you more qualified” can be changed to “will make one more qualified”

Be careful not to overuse these pronouns, or your writing will quickly become stilted and annoying. You should not use these pronouns more than once or twice per essay, and if you choose not to use them at all, that’s also okay. Here are some annoying examples:

Annoying A college student must take responsibility for how he or she spends his or her time, or he or she is not likely to succeed.

Annoying A college student must take responsibility for how one spends one’s time, or one is not likely to succeed.

Better College students must take responsibility for how they spend their time, or they are not likely to succeed.

An historical note: Did you know that fifty years ago people wrote essays using only the masculine third person singular pronoun (he/his/him) whether they were writing about men, women, or either? Even the word history is a combination of a masculine pronoun and a noun: his + story. It seemed as if women had no place in history or in essays. In the last fifty years, however, women have moved to greater equality in the workplace, home, and community, and that equality is reflected in our writing. The bottom line: Using only the masculine pronoun (he/his/him) when writing about either gender is no longer a good idea. Of course, if you are writing about a particular

man or a woman, in that case, use the gender specific pronoun. Here are some examples:

A student should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement. The reader should assume you are writing about a female student as in, “Carla should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement.”

Martin Luther King was the most famous civil rights leader of the 1960s. He helped people to understand in his speeches and his civil rights work that if we are to be true to America’s values and constitution, whites and blacks cannot be treated differently in education, employment, and at the lunch counter. Since Martin Luther King was a man, the writer uses the singular third person masculine pronoun.

When you can, change the second person pronouns (you/your) to the plural third person pronouns (they/their/them), or use a plural noun (students, people, workers, etc.) – see point 2 above.

When you do not know whether the noun in a sentence refers to men or women, and when using plural third person pronouns (they/their/them) and nouns will not work, choose one of the singular third person pronouns (he, his, him) or (she, her). You might make the decision based on your own gender, for example.

Singular female In the second draft, the student writer revised the essay for organization, but she waited for the final draft to check for grammar and spelling.

Singular male In the second draft, the student writer revised the essay for organization, but he waited for the final draft to check for grammar and spelling.

Notice in the above sentences, either a male or female student could be making the revisions, so it does not matter which third person pronoun the writer chooses.

A word of caution: When revising pronouns, make sure that you match singular nouns with singular pronouns, and plural nouns with plural pronouns. Here are some examples:

Incorrect A student should ask their advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct A student should ask her advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct A student should ask his advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct Students should ask their advisor about the transfer requirement.

Correct but do not overuse

A student should ask his or her advisor about the transfer requirement.

You can get around naming the pronoun male or female (he/him, she/her) — and being called sexist — when you use Indefinite Pronouns (everybody, no one, none, most, many, someone) Click here for review of indefinite pronouns. Indefinite Pronouns give you the chance to get around the gender problem in English. That’s because it’s okay to use third person plural pronouns (they/their) even if the Indefinite Pronoun is singular. Writers as famous as Jane Austen have been using this “trick” since the late 1700s, so maybe it’s okay for us.

Jane Austen writing in her novel Sense and Sensibility, published in 1811:

“Each of them was busy in arranging their particular concerns.”

Jane Austen writing in her novel Pride and Prejudice, published in 1813:

Singular Verb Plural Pronoun

“*Every body was pleased to think how much they had always disliked Mr. Darcy.”

*Notice that Jane Austen spells everybody as two words: evidence for how the spelling of words changes over time.

Jane Austen: A Brief Biography

YouTube Video of Kiera Knightly and Matthew Macfayden in the movie version of Pride and Prejudice written by Jane Austen (Click Here).

Jane Austen (16 December 1775 – 18 July 1817) was an English novelist whose works of romantic fiction, set among the landed gentry, earned her a place as one of the most widely read writers in English literature. Her realism and biting social commentary has gained her historical importance among scholars and critics.

Austen lived her entire life as Lesson of a close-knit family located on the lower fringes of the English landed gentry. She was educated primarily by her father and older brothers as well as through her own reading. The steadfast support of her family was critical to her development as a professional writer. It became quite common for the family to invest time and energy into making home-based productions of existing plays or writing and acting out their own creations. One can only assume that it was in these exercises that the true talent of Jane Austen was being nurtured - through observation, improvisation, acting and Lessonicipation.

From 1811 until 1816, with the release of Sense and Sensibility (1811), Pride and Prejudice (1813), Mansfield Park (1814) and Emma (1816), she achieved success as a published writer. She wrote two additional novels, Northanger Abbey and Persuasion, both published posthumously in 1818, and began a

third, which was eventually titled Sanditon, but died before completing it. Jane Austen's six novels are some of the most widely read pieces of literature in the world. By

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Austenhttp://www.janeausten.org/jane-austen-biography.asp

Discovering ways to recognize and revise the second person pronoun (you) can be tricky, but you’ll get better with practice. The exercises that follow provide a start.

Practice 1 Review

Delete the second person altogether Example: “College can give you more job options.” can be changed to

“College gives more job options.”

Rewrite the sentence using the third person plural noun and pronoun (they/their/them). Example: “When the company hires you, you are expected to start work the next day.” can be changed to “When the company hires people, they are expected to start work the next day.”

If the sentence refers to a specific man or woman, use the third person singular pronoun (he/his/him) or (she/her).Example: “In 1979, Lilly Ledbetter began work at the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company. She started with the same pay but by retirement, she was earning $3,727 per month compared to 15 men who earned from $4,286 per month (lowest paid man) to $5,236 per month (highest paid man).”

With indefinite pronouns (everybody, no one, none, most, someone), it’s okay to use the third person plural pronouns (they/their) Click here for review of indefinite pronouns.Example: “Everyone who came brought their entry fee.

Sometimes it’s okay to revise with gender specific pronouns he or she, his or her, and him or her.

Example: “A student should ask his or her advisor about the transfer requirement.”

From time to time it’s okay to keep the second person pronoun (you, your), especially if revising the sentence makes the writing awkward.

Practice 1. In the following passage, revise the second person pronoun (you/your) in one of the following ways:

For the Money

You can tell there are people out there who are only in it for the money. Sure you all want to get paid, but what about the personal growth and passion? Greed can be a very dangerous thing; the more you want, the more it can affect your personality and your success. Do your job because you like it first and then making money will increase your enjoyment.

Having a life purpose is important because it’s the foundation for all their goal and their daily task sprout from. Most of all, a purpose in life fuels your desire to achieve what their heart truly desires. This will make you a happier person in everything you do, both personal and professional. For example, a good friend of mine, Natasha, was willing to quit a job she held for five years because the job held no promise for promotion. He or she decided to get his or her degree in accounting, and now she has a better paying job that you would enjoy with opportunity for advancement.

If he or she don’t have confidence at work, this will hold you back. Anyone who lacks confidence is not willing to make mistakes, and you will not gain the experience that those mistakes have to give you. We all make mistakes so don’t be afraid to make a mistake. We need to learn from them and move on.

The Writing Tutor Session 3: Informal wording or slang

“Is it okay to write the same way I talk with friends?”http://images.publicradio.org/content/2009/10/21/20091021_tutoring_33.jpg

Let’s face it. We’re an email, instant messaging, Facebook, and Twitter culture, which is not all bad as it enables us to communicate with others anywhere, anytime, anyplace. We can communicate with our sister in the next room, our friends down the block or across town, or people we don’t even know from around the country or the world. However, along with this incredible increase in communication, there is a downside: to save time when we’re typing with our thumbs, we’ve become used to lots of abbreviations, letters removed, slang, and incomplete sentences. In college, and in your career, you must write formal essays and reports. The grammar must be right; you can’t use abbreviations; you must spell correctly; you must write in full sentences, and you should avoid *slang.

*Slang: A type of language that consists of words and phrases that are regarded as very informal – more common in speech than writing.

http://www.google.com/search?q=define+slang&sourceid=ie7&rls=com.microsoft:en-us:IE-SearchBox&ie=&oe=

Words can be both denotative and connotative. For example, words like “neat” and “cool” have a denotative meaning, “tidy” and “chilly,” and a connotative meaning, “interesting” and “popular.” Informal wording and slang often use the connotative meaning.

When revising your essays for style, make sure to change or delete informal wording and slang, using instead more formal wording. As an example, let’s take a student essay titled, “The Advantages of Going to College.” There are two drafts: The first draft has informal wording and slang, and in the second

draft the student has made the necessary revisions (see blue type) to make the essay acceptable for college classes.

Advantages of Going to College

First Draft Revised DraftDoes working at a local fast food restaurant sound like a primo career for life after High school? It doesn’t sound like a very cool employment option in life. That and other stuff is why it is so important to take a look at college before going out on one’s own. After high school, many people want to do it and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages of going to college. Going to college can give u more job options, more all around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where it is taken. You’ll have it together.

College can give loads of job options; the possibilities are endless! When people go to

Does working at a local fast food restaurant sound like an enjoyable career for life after High school? It doesn’t sound like the most thrilling employment option in life. That and many other reasons are why it is so important to take a look at college before going out on one’s own. After high school, many people want to get out and start a job right away, but what many don’t know are the advantages of going to college. Going to college can give more job options, more all around knowledge than high school, and a degree that looks good on any resume no matter where it is taken. A person will be organized and ready.

College can give many job options; the possibilities are endless! When people go to

college, they can go to learn about stuff they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make them a shoe-in for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree because this will help me to start

college, they can go to learn about subjects they are interested in. Learning about what people are interested in will make them more qualified for the job. For example, I am trying to earn a business degree

my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction gig. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

No matter where they are looking to get a job, having a degree on their resume means a lot. If a person is hired and has little experience in the industry, or little education after high school, there are not many possibilities that they have to be an awesome employee in the company. Companies want someone who has after high school knowledge in the bag, who can keep his cool in different situations, and that can be molded into the next manager, and showing the ability to go to college opens many possibilities. I was psyched to go to a car college, and my experience was two years of automotive training at a Career Development Center. This neat experience would have helped me into the college which in turn would open more cool stuff.

because this will help me to start my own business, and it can be in any field I want. My dad went to college to get a degree, and now runs his own construction business. He would not be qualified for the job without the knowledge gained from college.

No matter where they are looking to get a job, having a degree on their resume is important. If a person is hired and has little experience in the industry, or little education after high school, there are not many possibilities that they have to be a successful employee in the company. Companies want someone who has after high school knowledge, who can remain calm in different situations, and that can be molded into the next manager, and showing the ability to go to college opens many possibilities. I was going to go to a technical college, and my experience was two years of automotive training at a Career Development Center. This experience would have helped me into the college which in turn would open more possibilities.

There are a ton of ways that College can help take care of business, so it is super important to take a look at the up side. I know that college will take my success to the next level and will also help me get a higher paying gig. Who knows, it may even help me to have a go at helping others to get better jobs.

There are many ways that College can help with a person’s future, so it is important to take a look at the advantages. I know that college will take my success to the next level and will also help me get a higher paying job. Who knows, it may even help me help others to get better jobs.

The more you communicate informally, especially text messaging and hanging with friends, the harder it is to realize when you’re using slang in your writing. The good news is with practice, you’ll get better at recognizing slang. The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 2.1 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the on-line “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. There was an awesome study on twins separated at birth.

Your revision:

2. He was blown away by my grades.

Your revision:

3. The graduation party was at a glitzy hotel in downtown Denver.

Your revision:

4. The job is really cool.

Your revision:

5. I hear that it's a down and dirty movie.

Your revision:

6. This class is a drag.

Your revision:

7. He is too flaky to do the work.

Your revision:

8. He flipped out when he heard the news.

Your revision:

Practice 2.2 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the on-line “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. Lots of students smoke grass/weed/dope in college.

Your revision:

2. The results of drinking too much are gross.

Your revision:

3. He only hangs out with his friends.

Your revision:

4. Your proposal was a hit with the boss.

Your revision:

5. Don't get hyper about what she told you. You know it isn't true.

Your revision:

6. They had an intense discussion.

Your revision:

7. I am glad you got yourself out of that jam.

Your revision:

Practice 2.3 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the on-line “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary Link: http://www.manythings.org/slang/

1. I have a ton of work to do.

Your revision:

2. I’m really psyched up to take the exam.

Your revision:

3. After the game, they split.

Your revision:

4. He is really stressed out during final’s week.

Your revision:

5. There is a lot of stuff you need to know.

Your revision:

6. People need to chill when they don’t get their way.

Your revision:

7. I really got into playing guitar in high school.

Your revision:

Practice 2.4 Revise the following sentences to change the slang words and phrases into academic English (If you can get stumped, you can look up the slang in the on-line “Commonly-Used American Slang” dictionary Link: http://www.manythings.org/slang/

Video Games

I first got into playing video games in middle school, but they offer a lot

more stuff than having a blast. Playing video games is an awesome way

to set up your life for the future. There are different cool things that

video games can help you do. One of the ways is by helping u get a

career. In the military they use different types of drones. To control the

drones, they use the latest controllers that are so good they will blow

you away. The most common one is the Xbox 360 controller. It is the

most common because it is programmable and is a snap to use.

Another reason that video games are good is because they can help with

your hand eye coordination. This has been proven with docs in the

medical field. They put two docs in different rooms with the same

surgery to perform, and the one that played video game did a ton better

job with the surgery than the other one. That’s because video games

helped him with his hands.

The third reason that video games are good is because they are a good

stress reliever. They help with stress by preventing the person from

thinking about what is maxing them out. The games make them focus

on what they are doing in the game. I was really stressed out from work

and from pulling an all-nighter cramming for a test, and when I came

home I turned on a video game and started playing. After a while, I

forgot about what I was bent out of shape about and was able to get

back to work and after even caught some Z’s.

So the next time you see someone playing a video game ask if u can give

the game a go. You might be surprised at what a blast you’ll have.

The Writing Tutor Session 4: Problems with clichés

“How can I tell if my writing has washed out, overused expressions – what my professor calls clichés?”

http://www.ncc.commnet.edu/dept/tutoringcenter/images/overview_tc.JPG

A cliché is any expression that is used too much and loses reader interest. It’s the same with your choice of clothing styles. A style that may have been very interesting when first discovered, loses appeal and originality when worn by too many people. The same can be said about your word choice. What was an original and interesting expression 60 years ago loses its originality and interest through overuse. Here are some examples of expressions that held readers’ interest when Agatha Christie wrote the famous mystery Murder in Retrospect in 1942, but today seem like clichés:

“Now then, [detective] Poirot, what are you driving at?”

“Of course she did it…it was written all over her.”

Then suddenly [the man] laughed. He said: “Elsa’s as strong as a horse!”

Expressions that worked well in 1942 have become clichés today.

A short biography of Agatha Cristie

Agatha Christie, mystery writer, was born in Devon, England in 1890, the youngest of three children in a conservative, well-to-do family. Taught at home by a governess and tutors, as a child Agatha Christie never attended school. She became adept at creating games to keep herself occupied at a very young age. A shy child, unable to adequately express her feelings, she first turned to music as a means of expression and, later in life, to writing.

It was while working in a hospital during the World War I that Christie first came up with the idea of writing a detective novel. Although it was completed in a year, it wasn't published until 1920, five years later. The Mysterious Affair at Styles gave the world Hercule Poirot, a retired Belgian police officer who was to become one of the

most enduring characters in all of fiction. With his waxed moustache and intelligence, he had an almost unbelievable ability to come to the solution to any murder, or as he put it: "I want to show you that even in a small unimportant matter I am something of a magician. There are things I know without having to be told."

In all, Agatha Christie wrote over 66 murder mysteries, numerous short stories and screenplays. Several of her works were made into successful feature films, the most notable being Murder on the Orient Express (1974). Christie is the most translated individual author of all time; her books have been translated into at least 103 languages. Just one of her books, And Then There Were None, has sold over 100 million copies, making it the world's best-selling mystery ever, and one of the best-selling books of any kind. Agatha Christie is the single most popular mystery writer of all time.http://christie.mysterynet.com/

When revising your essays for style, make sure to change or delete overused expressions or clichés, using instead more interesting and original language. As an example, let’s take a student essay titled, “The Advantages of Going to College.” There are two drafts: The first draft relies on clichés, and in the second draft the student has made the necessary revisions (see blue type).

First Draft Revised DraftJake had been sleeping like the dead when his alarm clock screamed like a Banshee at him. It was 1:36 P.M., and Jake had planned to be up bright and early that morning. His eyelids were as heavy as lead as he wracked his brain for excuses. It had been the mother of all lost weekends. Now he had to pay the piper. Even he could connect the dots --he'd missed College Algebra again, and the hand of doom was heavy upon his grade in the class.

Jake had been sleeping soundly when his alarm clock screamed at him. It was 1:36 P.M., and Jake had planned to be up on time that morning. Sleep threatened to take him at any moment as he searched for excuses. It had been a wild weekend. Now he faced the consequences of his actions--he'd missed College Algebra again, and he had little reason to believe he could pass the class.

http://www.misterconnor.com/2010/12/writing-avoiding-cliches.html

It’s only through practice that you discover ways to recognize and revise clichés. The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 3.1 Revise the following sentences by changing the clichés into more interesting and original language.

1. This job is a piece of cake.

Your revision:

2. My friend’s big weakness is that she runs off at the mouth.

Your revision:

3. Everything is in the bag. There is nothing to worry about.

Your revision:

4. It takes a lot of guts to give the boss your true opinion.

Your revision:

5. The problem is really eating away at me.

Your revision:

6. My brother is one in a million.

Your revision:

7. If given a responsibility, he never falls asleep at the wheel.

Your revision:

8. He is not one to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Your revision:

9. To make a long story short, I have tried to be like my older brother.

Your revision:

Practice 3.2 Revise the following sentences by changing the clichés into more interesting and original language.

1. He was so concerned with the details that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Your revision:

2. This is just the tip of the iceberg on this subject

Your revision:

3. Don’t be afraid to push the envelope in your decisions.

Your revision:

4. In her job interview, she was cool as a cucumber.

Your revision:

5. That's what relationships are about - you stick with someone through thick and thin.

Your revision:

6. This movie about a woman who is brave, funny, and smart as a whip.

Your revision:

7. It's time to take the bull by the horns and get this job done.

Your revision:

8. This book is worth its weight in gold.

Your revision:

9. He fell head over heels in love.

Your revision:

10. The explanation is long and involved, but let me put it in a nutshell for you.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 5: Revising for wordy sentences

“How do I keep my sentences from having unnecessary words?”http://www.thestudyshack.com/images/college_lg.gif

It’s essential when you revise your essay for style that you get rid of unnecessary and repetitive wording. E.B. White, the highly respected essayist of the twentieth century, and William Strunk, his college professor, wrote: “A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary Lessons. (The Elements of Style, Strunk and White)” —So true, so very true!

Here’s an excerpt from one of E.B White’s books, the classic, Charlotte’s Web. Notice how beautifully crafted the sentences are, how each word has a place, and no words are used that are not needed to advance the story:

E. B. White’s beloved children’s book, Charlotte’s Web

http://blog.syracuse.com/shelflife/2008/07/charlott.gif

Charlotte’s Web: Chapter One

by E.B. White.

Before Breakfast

"Where's Papa going with that ax?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.

"Out to the hoghouse," replied Mrs. Arable. "Some pigs were born last night."

"I don't see why he needs an ax," continued Fern, who was only eight. "Well," said her mother, "one of the pigs is a runt. It's very small and weak, and it will never amount to anything. So your father has decided to do away with it."

"Do away with it?" shrieked Fern. "You mean kill it? Just because it's smaller than the others?"

Mrs. Arable put a pitcher of cream on the table. "Don't yell, Fern!" she said. "Your father is right. The pig would probably die anyway."

Fern pushed a chair out of the way and ran outdoors. The grass was wet and the earth smelled of springtime. Fern's sneakers were sopping by the time she caught up with her father.

"Please don't kill it!" she sobbed. "It's unfair."

Mr. Arable stopped walking.

"Fern," he said gently, "you will have to learn to control yourself."

"Control myself?" yelled Fern. "This is a matter of life and death, and you talk about controlling myself." Tears ran down her cheeks and she took hold of the ax and tried to pull it out of her father's hand.

"Fern," said Mr. Arable, "I know more about raising a litter of pigs than you do. A weakling makes trouble. Now run along!"

"But it's unfair," cried Fern. "The pig couldn't help being born small, could it? If I had been very small at birth, would you have killed me?"

Mr. Arable smiled. "Certainly not," he said, looking down at his daughter with love. "But this is different. A little girl is one thing, a little runty pig is another."

"I see no difference," replied Fern, still hanging on to the ax. "This is the most terrible case of injustice I ever heard of."

A queer look came over John Arable's face. He seemed almost ready to cry himself.

"All right," he said. "You go back to the house and I will bring the runt when I come in. I'll let you start it on a bottle, like a baby. Then you'll see what trouble a pig can be."

It is unlikely that any of us will ever write as beautifully as E.B. White, but we can still communicate effectively with style in college and at work. Writers like White inspire us to improve and set our sights higher.

Keep in mind, that with the first draft of your essay, your primary concern must be organization, not Sentence Style, so it’s okay to show less concern about unnecessary words and phrases in the first draft. It’s when you’ve revised the essay for organization, that it’s time to turn your attention to removing any word, phrase, or sentence that is not essential to effective communication. Here’s a rule of thumb to guide your revisions: If the word or phrase does not significantly improve the essay, take it out. To be equal is not good enough.

Here are some examples of sentences that have unnecessary words and phrases. There are two drafts: The first draft has extra words and phrases, and in the second draft the writer, in this case Dr. Charles Darling, has made the necessary revisions (see blue type). Read each version and see if the extra words in the first draft help the communication, or if in fact they just weigh the sentences down.

Original Draft with extra wording

Revised Draft taking out extra wording

As far as I'm concerned, there is a need for further protection of woodlands.

They made a significant amount of progress.

I think smoking should be banned in public places.It’s my opinion that there should be stricter laws against drunk driving.

Further protection of woodlands is needed.

They made significant progress.

Smoking should be banned in public places.There should be stricter laws against drunk driving.

There are fewer farmers at the present time.

There are fewer farmers now.

Woodlands have been shrinking because of the fact that more land is being used for development.

Woodlands have been shrinking because more land is being used for development.

Due to the fact that their habitats are being taken, forest creatures are losing population and becoming endangered.

Because their habitats are being taken, forest creatures are losing population and becoming endangered.

The uniform that she wore yesterday is from her work in the post office.

It would be appreciated if you would send me an application.

The uniform she wore yesterday is from her work in the post office.

Please send me an application.(Oxford, 27)

The era in which we must aggressively defend our woodlands has not, for all intents and purposes, passed.

The era in which we must aggressively defend our woodlands has not passed.

In the event that enough people protest, it will probably be revoked.

If enough people protest, it will probably be revoked.

Something in the nature of a repeal may soon take place.

A repeal may soon take place.

It seems that they can't wait to get rid of this one.

They can't wait to get rid of this one.

They have monitored the activities of conservationists in a cautious manner.

They have cautiously monitored the activities of conservationists.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes public policy doesn't accomplish what it set out to achieve.

Sometimes public policy doesn't accomplish what it set out to achieve.

Legislators need to be more careful of the type of policy they propose.

Legislators need to be more careful of the policy they propose.

What I mean to say is that well intentioned lawmakers sometimes make fools of themselves.

Well intentioned lawmakers sometimes make fools of themselves.

In the final analysis, the state would have been better off without such a policy.

The state would have been better off without such a policy.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/

Here a helpful Website (About.com) where you can look up examples of extra wording: http://grammar.about.com/od/words/a/redundancies.htm

It is annoying but true that college professors are as guilty as anyone of using unnecessary words and phrases. When it comes to writing, they are poor role models. Good at expressing abstract ideas, all too often they are bad at clear and effective communication. Here’s an example with two drafts: The first was written by a well known and widely respected university professor (good luck in understanding it!). The second draft has been revised for clarity and style.

Wordy and Pretentious Simple and EffectiveOne of the most important reforms mentioned is the unification of the organization of judicial institutions and the guarantee for all the tribunals of the independence necessary for securing to all classes of the community equality before the law. (42 words)

One of the most important reforms is to unify the courts to guarantee their independence and thus the equality of all people before the law. (25 words)

The Oxford Dictionary American Usage and Style by Bryan A. Garner, page 7

As with other questions of style, it’s only through practice that you discover ways to recognize and remove unnecessary words and phrases from your writing. The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 4.1 The following are examples of sentences with unnecessary words and phrases from Michael Dolan, a student at Villanova University. Practice revising the sentences to remove any unnecessary wording.

Example: Wordy: For the most Lesson, people's suspicions are

based on a misunderstanding of the facts.Revision: People's suspicions are based on a

misunderstanding of the facts.

1. He was really late to his English class due to the fact that he had to finish his math test.

Your revision:

2. Bob provided an explanation of the computer to his grandmother.

Your revision:

3. He found his neighbor who lived next door to be attractive in appearance.

Your revision:

4. During the time when I lived in South Carolina, it was my intention to go to college in Florida.

Your revision:

5. In order to prove that he could hold his own on the track team, Gordo had to train hard like the older runners.

Your revision:

6. I know everyone says that there are those people that no matter how many times you put them in jail for a DUI, or something related to that, that they will never learn.

Your revision:

7. My third and final point of why drunk drivers should get punished is because it will keep the good and responsible drivers feeling safe and at ease.

Your revision:

8. I know you might think that most people aren’t scared of this thought, but I know plenty of people that have had friends or family that were killed by a drunk driver and it frightens them every time they get behind the wheel.

Your revision:

Practice 4.2 Revise the following sentences to remove any unnecessary wording.

1. If you go to the store, you will see that the store is closed on Sundays because the storeowner likes to go to church.

Your revision:

2. Due to the fact that Jim liked chocolate, he was very upset when the candy company canceled production of his favorite chocolate bar.

Your revision:

3. I believe people are unsuccessful at work for several different reasons.

Your revision:

4. I think that there are several different reasons why there should be stronger penalties for drunk driving.

Your revision:

5. The first reason why I think there should be really strict consequences for drunk driving is because it would save lives.

Your revision:

Practice 4.3 Revise the following sentences to remove any unnecessary wording.

1. It is extremely important that there should be strict penalties for drunk drivers, or you may find yourself or your family or your friends as the next victim of drunk driving.

Your revision:

2. Money is definitely something that is handled in a lot of different ways.

Your revision:

3. In my opinion money is a very stressful subject.

Your revision:

4. I think people get stressed out for a lot of different reasons.

Your revision:

5. In today’s society, these young teens having babies do not fully understanding how difficult it can be.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 6: Keeping the Subject front and center in the sentence.

Lesson 1. Losing track of who are what the sentence is about.

“How do I keep my sentences focused on what’s important?”http://images.publicradio.org/content/2009/05/12/20090512_choerap_tutoring_33.jpg

As we’ll discuss in (Chapter 13), the Subject is who or what the sentence is about. Writers often make the mistake of hiding the Subject in their sentences. Writers often think that since they know what’s important in the sentence, their readers will too. However, if you do not place the Subject front and center in the sentence, you’ll confuse your readers. The bottom line: Keep the Subject as the top priority in each sentence you write. Here are some examples in which the writer buries the Subject in the sentence, sowing the seeds of confusion and misunderstanding. The expression, “you reap what you sow,” is true of writing as it is with so many other Lesson of life.

The expression, “You reap what you sow,” refers to a quote from the Bible. Jesus spoke to the Galatians, a farming people who lived in what is now Turkey. In the King James version of the Bible, the quote reads, “for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

The quote refers to farming, which the Galatians well understood. To sow means to plant one’s crops, and to reap means to harvest the crops. If a person plants good crops, he can expect a good harvest, and if a person plants bad crops, he can expect a poor harvest. The same can be applied to other Lessons of life. For example, if a person puts effort and caring into friendship, he can expect to have good friends, and if he does not put effort and caring into friendship, he can expect bad results.

Example 1. The attraction of the movie was its suspense.

Looking carefully at the above sentence, you can see that the Subject is the noun attraction, but the reader might wonder: Who is attracted to the movie? Confusion can result. You can craft a sentence that is more direct and interesting by bringing the Subject front and center (in each of the examples, the Subject is underlined):

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friends: My friends enjoyed the suspenseful movie.

Formal essay focused on the audience: The audience enjoyed the suspenseful movie.

Formal essay focused on the movie and not the audience: The suspenseful movie attracted viewers from all over.

Example 2. One way used to increase sales is by putting sugary cereals, drinks, and candy on the lower shelves at children’s eye level.

The Subject of the sentence one way gives the reader little idea about who is trying to increase sales. To improve the sentence, just bring the Subject front and center – like the sentence does with sugary cereals, drinks, and candy!

Formal essay focused on grocery stores: To increase their sales, Super Markets place sugary cereals, drinks, and candy on the lower shelves at children’s eye level.

Example 3. Jumping on board, the bus pulled away too fast, causing him to fall.

The Subject of the sentence is bus, but the first Lesson of sentence makes the reader think that the bus is jumping on board and falling. You can revise the sentence by bringing the real Subject (the rider who tried to jump on the bus) front and center:

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friend: When the bus pulled away too fast, Carlos tried to jump on board but fell.

Formal essay focused on a rider of the bus: When the bus pulled away too fast, the rider tried to jump on board but fell.

Example 4. Much has happened since enrolling in college.

The Subject of the sentence is much, but readers are likely to be confused on two counts: 1) they don’t know who or what the Subject much refers to, and 2) the second Lesson of sentence seems to say that “much is enrolling in college.” You can revise the sentence by bringing the real Subject (the person who enrolled in college) front and center:

Informal essay focused on the writer’s friend: Much has happened since Sanjay enrolled in college.

Formal essay focused on this year’s class of college students: Much has happened since the class of 2013 enrolled in college.

Bringing the Subject – or what is important in the sentence – front and center can be tricky. The only way to improve is with practice. The exercises that follow give you a start.

Practice 5.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the Subject front and center.

1. The taking and emailing of photos is popular with Smart phones.

Your revision:

2. Finding errors in essays is the responsibility of copy editors in newspapers.

Your revision:

3. It all started when driving to work last Thursday morning.

Your revision:

4. Solving the math problem wasn’t easy because of all the steps involved.

Your revision:

5. Running over the curb wasn’t intended in the middle of the driving test.

Your revision:

Practice 5.2 Revise the following sentences by bringing the Subject to the front and center.

1. Next up was interviewing the job candidates.

Your revision:

2. Getting the homework done was a priority.

Your revision:

3. Going to the movies was enjoyable on weekends.

Your revision:

4. Arguing with the policeman about the speeding ticket was not a good idea.

Your revision:

5. Finding another class seemed to be the best option.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 6: Keeping the Subject front and center in the sentence

Lesson 2. Editing sentences that confuse the reader

“How can I keep my sentences from confusing my readers.”http://tutoring.syr.edu/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/subject_specific_help_2.jpg

Modifiers are words or groups of words that describe something in the sentence. The simplest modifiers are Adjectives. For example: The big green car sped over the long, narrow bridge. “Big green” describe the car, and “long, narrow” describe the bridge.

Modifiers can also be groups of words or phrases. An important method for adding variety to your writing is using Verb Phrases. Here are some examples:

(“ing”) Verb Phrase Turning the boat around, he sailed back to shore.

(“ed”) Verb Phrase Discouraged by the long hours and low pay, my sister finally quit her job.

(“to” plus the verb) Phrase He told Jorge to turn the boat around.

A Verb Phrase gives greater precision and variety to your writing, so it’s important that you learn how to use them. However, a word of caution: If you locate the Verb Phrase in the wrong place in the sentence, you can cause

confusion. That’s because Verb Phrases tend to attach themselves to the Noun they are closest to. Here are some examples:

“ing” Verb Phrases

Confusing: Flying over San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge came into view. (The Golden Gate Bridge is not flying over San Francisco!)

Clear: Flying over San Francisco, I could see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Confusing: Swinging wildly through the trees, the children were delighted by the monkeys. (The children are not swinging wildly through the trees!)

Clear: The children were delighted by the monkeys, who were swinging wildly through the trees.

“ed” Verb Phrases

Confusing: Once recognized, a writer can fix his misplaced modifiers. (The writer is not being recognized!)

Clear: Once recognized, misplaced modifiers can be fixed.

Confusing: Having laid an egg weighing two pounds, the farmer proudly displayed his favorite ostrich before the photographers. (The farmer has not laid an egg!)

Clear: When his favorite ostrich laid an egg weighing two pounds, the farmer proudly displayed the bird before the photographers.

[“to” plus a Verb] Phrases

Confusing: To please the neighbors, some fireworks were set off a day early. (The fireworks were not trying to please the neighbors!)

Clear: To please the neighbors, the parks and recreation department set off some fireworks a day early.

Confusing: To be cooked well, you must steam vegetables. (You are not being cooked well!)

Clear: To be cooked well, vegetables must be steamed.

Practice 6.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the ing, ed, and (to plus a Verb) Phrases closest to the noun they describe.

1. Changing the oil every 3,000 miles, the car seemed to run better.

Your revision:

2. To keep the young recruits interested in getting in shape, an exercise program was set up for the summer months.

Your revision:

3. Spending way too much money on his old car, Fred's salary just wasn't enough.

Your revision:

4. To become a respected politician, campaign funds must be carefully administered.

Your revision:

5. I like to listen to hip hop doing my homework.

Your revision:

6. To raise a good dog, patience is useful.

Your revision:

7. Sworn to secrecy, the spy club accepted five new members.

Your revision:

8. After sweating in my aLessonment through the summer, winter will be welcome.

Your revision:

9. Fixed the night before, Sara was ready to drive to the job interview.

Your revision:

10. Walking to class, the thunderstorm drenched Dameika.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 7: Three ways to lose your writing mojo.

Lesson 1. Starting sentences with word groups like (there is, here is, and it is)

“How do I make my sentences stronger and more fun to read?”http://www.blackhawk.edu/Portals/0/images/TutoringServices/tutoring_session.jpg

In writing, you want readers to move at a good pace, understanding and enjoying what they read. Writing that is clear and interesting is essential to style, and an essential ingredient in clear and interesting writing are Action Verbs. With Action Verbs, you speed the reader along like a well paved, wide lane highway with a speed limit that’s safe but does not slow readers down. On the other hand, overusing to be Verbs as a substitute for Action Verbs is like following a slow moving car on the highway, a car going 35 mph when the speed limit is 70. Writers make matters worse when they rely on forms of there is, it is, and this is in their essays. Now it’s like following someone going 25 mph when the speed limit is 70. No wonder readers lose interest!

Sentences that begin with there is, it is, and this is break the momentum of the essay, causing confusion by hiding what is most important in the sentence: the Subject. The following table shows the different forms of these word groups (the to be Verbs are highlighted in yellow).

There It This

There isThere’sThere areThere wasThere wereThere will be

It isIt’sIt wasIt will be

This isThis wasThis will be

While there is nothing wrong with using to be Verbs (Chapter 13) in your essays, to be Verbs are often over used. As Bonnie Trenga writes in The Curious Case of the Misplaced Modifier:

When you rely on the same verbs over and over, your writing becomes boring. To be is such a basic verb that you could probably use a form of to be in every sentence. However, readers have seen am, are, is was, were, and will be thousands of times. Specific action verbs add variety (42).

In the following examples, we revise sentences that rely on weak to be Verb word groups like there is, it is, and this is. Notice the revised sentences use Action Verbs, resulting in writing that is clear and of greater interest to the reader.

Example 1. There were ants, so our family moved to a different spot.

The first Lesson of the sentence, “There were ants,” is a weak construction, slowing the momentum of the essay. Yes, the reader knows “there were ants,” but where is the action in the sentence? Also, the essay is not about ants, but about the writer’s family picnic. You solve these problems by substituting an Action Verb and bringing what’s most important in the sentence, “our family,” front and center.

Better

With ants crawling everywhere, our family moved to a different spot.

Example 2. It was possible to fail the quiz by ignoring the directions.

The Subject of the sentence, It, is confusing, giving the reader little idea about who is likely “to fail the quiz.” The expression “it was possible” is also weak, slowing the momentum of the essay. To improve the sentence, just bring the Subject front and center and substitute in an Action Verb.

Better

Students who skipped the directions failed the quiz.

or

When students skipped the directions, they failed the quiz.

Example 3. I talk with my only with Skype. This is so much better than an ordinary phone call.

The Subject of the sentence, this, tends to confuse the reader because it’s not clear who or what this refers to. The reader wonders: “What is much better than a just an ordinary phone call.” Moreover, the expression (This is) is weak, slowing the momentum of the essay. To improve the sentence, just bring the Subject front and center and substitute in an Action Verb.

Better

I like Skype much better than an ordinary phone call, because I can see my girlfriend when we talk.

Example 4. It was time for the wedding to start. The first person down the aisle was the young man who played the bagpipes.

“It was time” and “was the young man” are weak constructions that slow the momentum of the essay. To improve the sentence, just bring the Subjects front and center and substitute in Action Verbs.

Better

The wedding started, as a young man playing the bagpipes marched down the aisle.

or

The wedding started, as a young man who played the bagpipes marched down the aisle.

It’s only through practice that you discover ways to recognize and revise expressions that slow down the momentum of the sentence. The trick is to edit out these expressions, substituting in Action Verbs while bringing the Subject front and center in the sentence. In the practice exercises that follow, look for expressions like there is, it is, and this is to guide your revisions.

Practice 7.1 Revise the following sentences by bringing the Subject front and center and substituting in Action Verbs.

1. World War II, lasting from 1941 to 1945, was fought throughout Europe, Northern Africa, and the Pacific, including China. This was the costliest war in U.S. history.

Your revision:

2. The recreational use of drugs is very familiar to the American public. It is questioned by the police.

Your revision:

3. The police arrived at the scene about 30 minutes after the car rolled into the ditch. Both the driver and a passenger were taken to the hospital with multiple injuries. It was thought to be a hit-and-run accident.

Your revision:

4. There is conflict between US forces and The Mexican Drug Cartel. This is a criminal army formed only because of the illegalization of Marijuana in the United States.

Your revision:

5. The bride was ready for the wedding to start.

Your revision:

6. The movie, Reefer Madness , originally aired in 1936, the same year as the movie, Tell Your Children. It was re-discovered in the 70s and has been viewed since as a sort of unintentional satire comedy.

Your revision:

7. Thousands of people have died in drug-related violence in Mexico. This is the result of a conflict between the Mexican government and well armed drug cartels like the Zetas.

Your revision:

8. It is the promise of the top three candidates in the Mexican Presidential election — Enrique Peña Nieto, Josefina Vázquez Mota and Andrés Manuel López Obrador — to shift in the country’s drug war strategy.

Your revision:

9. Activists often question the controversy of banning the production, use, and possession of hemp-based products. This was a result of another tax on cannabis, The Marihuana Transfer Tax Act of 1937.

Your revision:

10. There are multiple drug cartels around the world.

Your revision:

Practice 7.2 Revise the following sentences by bringing the Subject front and center and substituting in Action Verbs.

1. There are three reasons why we should follow a healthy diet. First, it is to teach my kids to eat healthy.

Your revision:

2. In the US, too many kids are overweight. This is why I want to change my eating habits.

Your revision:

3. There are problems of diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure because we don’t follow a healthy diet.

Your revision:

4. It is possible that my grandmother suffered from diabetes and heart problems because she did not to eat a healthy diet.

Your revision:

5. Many students are inside on their couch playing video games. This can help people relax from a hard day, but this also gets in the way of completing homework and is expensive at the same time.

Your revision:

6. Many students are inside on their couch playing video games. It’s a distraction.

Your revision:

7. There are consequences of spending too much time playing video games.

Your revision:

8. Growing up, I had many family members take Lesson in raising me and my older sister. This is because our father died when I was little and my mother had to work at two jobs to support us.

Your revision:

9. Family is important. This gives me courage to face our hardships.

Your revision:

10. Our father was the sole financial provider for our family of five. He died in a car accident when I was only three. This is why we had to wear hand me down clothing and were never sure where our next meal was coming from.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 7: Three ways to lose your writing mojo

Lesson 2. The Passive Voice

“If I only knew what the Passive Voice is, I could avoid using it.”http://www.ccc.edu/colleges/washington/menu/PublishingImages/Harold%20Washington/HWC%2011.jpg

The dictionary defines “passive” as “lacking in energy or will: tending not to take an active Lesson” (m-w.com). No wonder the passive voice slows the reader down and loses the momentum of the essay. Your friend who’s too lazy to get off the couch has the same problem.

The Passive Voice has two problems: 1) the Subject in not front and center; and 2) the Action Verb – what drives the sentence forward is replaced with the to be Verb that doesn’t go anywhere (read passive). Here’s an example:

Passive: The new rule was approved by the committee.

The actor in this sentence, “the committee,” has lost its rightful place as the Subject of the sentence, and the action in the sentence is slowed down by the absence of an Action Verb. Writers often make matters worse by removing the Subject altogether:

Passive and Confusing: The new rule was approved.

Now, the writer not only has no Action Verb, but he also has hidden who or what the Subject is.

By using the Active Voice, the writer solves both problems:

Active Voice: The legislative committee approved the new rule.

Politicians love to use the passive voice, so they do not have to take responsibility for decisions that might cost them votes. A favorite expression of politicians is “Mistakes were made,” but who made the mistake? Probably the politician or his allies, but he hides that reality from the voters.

Look for three clues to find the passive voice in your writing:

1. A form of the to be Verb (is, are, was, were, and will be) Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.

2. A past Lessoniciple form of an action verb – approved, made, bought, sold, and so on). Notice that when used by themselves, these words become Action Verbs and are fine. It’s only when they are combined with the to be Verb that might signal the passive voice (is approved, were made, was sold, and so on).Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.

3. The passive voice often uses the word by in front of the noun that should be doing the action, effectively hiding who or what is important in the sentence from the reader. As we mentioned earlier, some writers make the situation worse by taking out who or what is doing the action altogether.

Example: The new rule was approved by the legislative committee.

4. Passive Voice with the actor hidden. Example: The new rule was approved.

Here are some examples of sentences in the passive voice and ways you can revise the sentences, using the active voice, getting your mojo back.

Passive Voice: The mayor was criticized by the local paper.Active Voice: The local paper criticized the mayor.

Passive Voice: The car was fixed by the mechanic.Active Voice: The mechanic fixed the car.

Passive Voice: An “A” was given to Marshall by Professor Gonzalez.

Active Voice: Professor Gonzalez gave Marshall an “A.”

You might ask: Why does English even have a passive voice, if it’s a bad idea to use it? The answer lies in the exceptions. It’s okay to use the passive voice when you believe the actor in the sentence is not important. The classic example is when newspapers are reporting a robbery. In this case, the store is more important than the thief.

Okay to use Passive Voice: The Tinson Clothing store was robbed last night.

You are focusing attention on the store, not the robber.

Okay to use Passive Voice: The comet can be observed in the early morning hours.

You are focusing attention on the comet and leaving it open that anyone can make the observation.

Okay to use Passive Voice: Research models were adjusted for age, sex, and body mass.

In scientific papers, it is customary to use the passive voice because scientists want to focus your attention on their research and not who did the research.

It’s only through practice that you discover ways to recognize and revise the passive voice in your essays. The trick is to put the Subject front and center in the sentence while substituting in Action Verbs for to be verbs. The exercises that follow give you a good start.

Practice 7.3 Revise the following sentences by bringing the Subject front and center and substituting in Action Verbs. If the sentence is okay in the passive voice, type OK in the space provided.

Example:Passive Voice: The game was won by the home team.

Active Voice: The home team won the game.

1. The new fire policy was approved by the city council.

Your revision:

2. An illegal time-out was called by the University of Minnesota coach.

Your revision:

3. The employees were informed of their layoffs by the boss.

Your revision:

4. The important dates were memorized by the students.

Your revision:

5. Darlene was raised by her aunt.

Your revision:

6. Her home was robbed last night.

Your revision:

7. The story was written by Alex Gianopoulos, a first time author.

Your revision:

8. Dangerous mountain roads were avoided by Raoul.

Your revision:

9. Hamburgers were eaten by the customers.

Your revision:

10. The email was sent by Zhang to her friend in Chicago.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 7: Three ways to lose your writing mojo.

Lesson 3. Sentences that run on too long.

How do I keep my sentences from going on and on and on…?http://images.suite101.com/1447349_com_2302028255.jpg

Long sentences not only confuse readers, but also lose their interest. Occasionally, you want longer sentences to provide variety to your writing (See Section on Sentence Variety), but your problems multiply when you have either overly long sentences or too many moderately long sentences. Here are some ways you can discover if a sentence is too long:

Overly long sentence 1. When you have more than one Coordinating Conjunction – and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor (Chapter 15) –connecting several sentences, it’s a clue the sentence is probably too long. You can revise these overly long sentences by substituting a period for one or more of the Coordinating Conjunctions.

Too Long We are all connected to the past through our ancestors, and with the internet, making this connection to the past is now easier than ever, so the internet has made doing family history work so easy that even teenagers and young children can do it with little or no help, and online family history work is making the past come alive like never before.

Better We are all connected to the past through our ancestors. and with the internet, making this connection to the past is now easier than ever. In fact, the internet has made doing family history work so easy that even teenagers and young children can do it with little or no help. Online family history work is making the past come alive like never before.

Too Long I currently work at Target, which is fine for what it is, but I’m hoping that having a degree will help me land more jobs (or gigs, seeing as I’m a musician), and a college degree would be very beneficial in getting raises or promotions.

Better I work at Target, which is fine for what it is, but I’m hoping that having a degree would help me land more jobs (or gigs, seeing as I’m a musician). A college degree would also be beneficial in getting raises or promotions.

Too Long Having a college degree would be beneficial in not only my daily life, but also my music, so I would take everything I learned while getting the degree and put that in my playing, and I’ve actually written a tune called “College Degree.”

Better Having a college degree would be beneficial in not only

my daily life, but also my music. I would take everything I learned while getting the degree and put that in my playing. I’ve actually written a tune called “College Degree.”

Practice 8.1 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more Coordinating Conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) with a period.

1. Baltimore’s professional football team, the Ravens, won the Super bowl, and Pamlico Race Track is home of the world-famous Preakness Stakes, and Rolling Stone magazine named Baltimore “the best music scene in the country,” and once a person has been there they will know why.

Your revision:

2. It’s obvious that having a college degree is very beneficial in one’s life, and I’m very excited to finish up the semester here at Front Range, and move on to CU next semester to continue my jazz education and get a degree myself!

Your revision:

3. Telluride is set in a box canyon and offers three hundred sixty degree views of the beautiful San Juan Mountains and is topped with a view of Bridal Veil Falls at the head of the canyon, and in the winter Telluride offers world class skiing, and the summer months are dotted with various festivals.

Your revision:

4. Thousands of people are living in tents for a week, and security could be a major issue because many people bring valuable instruments and other necessities to the festival, but there is hardly ever a theft.

Your revision:

5. The festival itself is only four days long, but the grounds open to campers on the Sunday before, and campers haul in supplies to construct small buildings for themselves and their many friends to enjoy, so last year there was an old time saloon, a twenty-foot high dome structure, and a Tiki Bar, and all were constructed just for the weeklong celebration.

Your revision:

Overly long sentence 2. When a sentence has more than two Subordinating Conjunctions (when, before, after, because, although… (see list of Subordinate Conjunctions below), that’s a clue it’s probably too long. For a complete discussion of Subordinate Clauses, (Chapter16) and (Chapter17). Writers often make sentences even longer by adding one or more Coordinating Conjunction as well. Here are some examples of sentences that go on for too long. You can revise these sentences by substituting a period for one or more of the Conjunctions.

Too Long These makeshift buildings hold nightly, “picks,” (which are impromptu bluegrass jams, and (which often go until early morning hours), and (after the campers have enjoyed music all night), the next day they like to hike in the nearby mountains, wander through historic downtown Telluride, or even take a dip in the ice-cold San Miguel River.

Better These makeshift buildings hold nightly, “picks,” which are impromptu bluegrass jams, sometimes until early morning hours. During the daylight hours, campers may hike in the nearby mountains, wander through historic downtown Telluride, or even take a dip in the ice-cold San Miguel River.

Too Long (Since festival organizers are aware of the festival’s environmental impact), they employ hundreds of sustainability personnel (who ensure that campers and attendees produce as little garbage as possible) (because each waste station is also accompanied by a trained volunteer) (who guides patrons with composting and recycling the majority of their waste).

Better Festival organizers are aware of the festival’s environmental impact, so they employ hundreds of sustainability personnel to ensure that campers and attendees produce as little garbage as possible. For example, each waste station is accompanied by a trained volunteer (who guides patrons with composting and recycling the majority of their waste).

Too Long Planet Bluegrass also has invested in carbon offsets and renewable energy credits, (which helps offset the carbon footprint created by the electricity, diesel, and gas) (which is used by both the festival and its attendees), and this year Planet Bluegrass is offsetting 100% of the emissions created.

Better Planet Bluegrass also has invested in carbon offsets and renewable energy credits. The credits help offset the carbon footprint created by the electricity, diesel, and gas used by both the festival and its attendees. This year Planet Bluegrass is offsetting 100% of the emissions created.

Practice 8.2 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more Coordinating Conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) and/or on or more Subordinating Conjunctions with a period. Here’s a list of the Subordinating Conjunctions:

1. I lived in Baltimore, Maryland, for seven and half months, and it has become one of my favorite cities because it is a great place to visit, and here are three reasons why.

Your revision:

2. Baltimore is home of the Washington Monument of 1829, which is one of the first monuments built to honor our country’s first president who is George Washington, and it is also home to Fort Mchenry, which is home of the famous flag that inspired our national anthem.

Your revision:

3. If it is culture you are looking for, you can could spend all day at museums such as The Walters Art Museum, and if there is one thing Baltimore is

Common ADVERB Subordinate Conjunctions

afteralthoughasas ifas long asas thoughbecausebeforeeven ifeven though

ifif onlyin order thatnow thatoncerather thansinceso thatthan

thoughtillunlessuntilwhenwheneverwherewhereaswhereverwhile

Common ADJECTIVE Subordinate Conjunctions

Who Which That

known for it is sea food, since Baltimore crab-cakes are the best in the world, but even if you don’t like sea food, visit Lexington Market where you can find just about any kind of food.

Your revision:

Practice 8.3 Revise the following sentences by replacing one or more Coordinating Conjunctions (and, or, but, so, for, yet, and nor) and/or Subordinating Conjunctions with a period. There’s a list of the Subordinating Conjunctions above.

1. I have a few friends that don’t really feel like going to college because it’s too hard, too much work, not worth it, etc., which is their words, and it would be great to be able to convince them that earning a degree is entirely worth their time, and I’m not sure they understand how much it would help to have a degree, and maybe if they saw one of their friends with a college degree, it could help convince them to go to school.

Your revision:

2. My dream throughout high school was to move to Costa Rica to surf, and after I graduated from high school I made my dream a reality when I left Florida with two surfboards, one backpack full of clothes, and $2,000 but at the time I did not even speak any Spanish, which made it difficult because Costa Rica is a Spanish speaking country.

Your revision:

3. Telluride is set in a box canyon which offers three hundred sixty degree views of the beautiful San Juan Mountains and is topped with a view of Bridle Veil Falls that is at the head of the canyon, and in the winter Telluride offers world class skiing, and the summer months are dotted with various festivals.

Your revision:

4. Being accepted as a local and not a tourist was hard and acceptance only came with time and patience when I made close friends with the locals, who accepted me because I shared, I was respectful, and I made an effort to speak Spanish.

Your revision:

5. The people of Costa Rica were rich in happiness, beautiful surroundings, family and friends, and that included my friend, Francisco who the happiest person I have ever met, even if he did not have much wealth, yet Francisco was my best friend while I was living in Costa Rica, and we would hang out a few times a week.

Your revision:

The Writing Tutor Session 8: The importance of variety in your sentences.

“How do I keep my writing interesting?”http://www.tutoringinthetriangle.com/Portals/138594/images/College%203-resized-600.jpg

An important component of Style is Sentence Variety. If you think back to the papers you wrote in middle school papers, which were often about, for example, “What I did on my summer vacation,” you’ll have a good idea of writing that did not have Sentence Variety! The typical middle school essay has primarily one kind of sentence: A Compound Sentence with the Conjunction (and) and sometimes (but).

Here’s an example:

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

“We went to the mountains, and we camped in a state park. We went fishing each day, and we caught some really good fish. My father

cleaned the fish, and my mother fried them for dinner. My brother and I got to sleep under the stars, and we stayed awake, and we told ghost stories. We were really scared, and it was way cool, but our parents made us go to sleep!”

Of course there is nothing wrong with Compound Sentences with the Conjunctions (and) or (but). It’s only when Compound Sentences are overused that they become repetitive and predictable, making for a boring essay that you didn’t even want to write in the first place!

Fortunately, you can add interest to your writing with a variety of sentence types that also allow you to communicate more precisely. For example, a Compound Sentence with the Conjunction and is designed to communicate two equal ideas that happen in sequence (first this and then that). A Compound Sentence with the Conjunction “but” is designed to communicate two equal ideas where the second is set in contrast to the first (We planned a picnic in the park, but it rained). Since you need to communicate in ways that accurately reflect your thoughts and experience, you’ll need more tools than simply Compound Sentences with the Conjunctions (and) or (but). In the process of communicating accurately, you’ll also add variety and interest to your writing.

The following is a list of sentence options that are available to you as you write and revise your essay. Each option is compared to the most basic sentence form, the Subject-Verb pattern (She found the car), for example.

1. Prepositional Phrases

Prepositional Phrases are used to support the Subject-Verb, usually by letting the readers know where the Subject-Verb happened (Chapter 14):

Basic Sentence Prepositional Phrase

She found the car in the west parking lot.

Example of three sentences, all with the Subject-Verb pattern:

“The Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament was held in Boulder, Colorado. The tournament was held in 2010. Team North Florida won.”

Notice that the sentences do not tell you which is more important (that the tournament was held in Boulder), (that the tournament was held in 2010), or that (Team North Florida won). Using Prepositional Phrases to tell the readers where and when the important Lesson of the sentence (the Subject-Verb) happened solves the problem:

(At the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament) (in Boulder, Colorado,) Team North Florida won.

Since Prepositional Phrases can be placed anywhere in the sentence, you can add variety to your writing by changing the position of the Prepositional Phrases you use.

Consider the following examples:

Prepositional phrases at the beginning of the sentence

At the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament in Boulder, Colorado, Team North Florida won.”

Prepositional phrases in the middle of the sentence

One of my best friends won the lottery.

Prepositional phrases at end of the sentence

Team North Florida won the 2010 Louisville Slugger Independence Day softball tournament in Boulder, Colorado.

2. Adding variety with Compound Sentences

Example of two sentences with Subject-Verb pattern:

“The race was won in the first 100 meters. The outcome was not known to the spectators until the end.”

Notice that with the Subject-Verb pattern both ideas are of equal importance in the essay.

Example Compound Sentence: “The race was won in the first 100 meters, (but) the outcome was not known to the spectators until the end.”

While the ideas are still of equal importance, now readers know that the second idea is set in contrast to the first, which is a more precise rendering of what actually happened.

Here is a list of Coordinating Conjunctions you can use to add variety and precision to your writing (the most common Coordinating Conjunctions are in bold type):

And But Or So For Yet Nor

(For a full discussion of Compound Sentences, see Chapter 15.)

3. Adding variety with Subordinate Clauses

A Subordinate Clause is a group of related words connected to the Main Sentence to provide Support. Both the Subordinate Clause and the Main Sentence have their own Subject and Verb (Chapter16) and (Chapter17).

There are two kinds of Subordinate Clauses: Adverb and Adjective. Both are designed to support the Subject-Verb of the Main Sentence.

Subordinate Clauses are connected to the Main Sentence with a Subordinate Conjunction. Here is a list of Subordinate Conjunctions you can use to add variety and precision to your writing (the most often used are in bold):

Example with Subject-Verb pattern:

I took my first class in photography. I was a sophomore.

Example Subordinate Clause opening:

When I was a sophomore, I took my first class in photography.

Example Subordinate Clause ending:

I took my first class in photography when I was a sophomore.

Example Subordinate Clause in the middle:

My girl friend, who is a sophomore, took her first class in photography.

Common Adverb Subordinating Conjunctions

afteralthoughasas ifas long asas thoughbecausebeforeeven ifeven though

ifif onlyin order thatnow thatoncerather thansinceso thatthanthat

thoughtillunlessuntilwhenwheneverwherewhereaswhereverwhile

Common Adjective Subordinating Conjunctions

Who Which That

4. Adding variety with Verb Phrases formed with a Verb ending in “ing”

Here’s an example of an “ing” Verb Phrase taken from two simple Subject-Verb sentences where the first sentence is converted into a Phrase (a phrase is a word group that does not have a Subject or a Verb).

Two Subject-Verb Sentences

“Some people read faces extremely accurately. They interpret nonverbal cues.”

(“ing”) Verb Phrase to add variety to the writing.

“Interpreting nonverbal cues, some people read faces extremely accurately.”

Notice that we added variety by removing the Subject of the first sentence “Some people” and added an “ing” to the Verb to create the Verb Phrase, Interpreting nonverbal cues. We also focused the reader’s attention on the more important concept in the essay, by keeping the Subject-Verb pattern: “People read faces extremely accurately.” A Verb Phrase supports the Main Sentence, while providing greater precision and variety in writing.

5. Adding variety with Verb phrases formed with a Verb ending in “ed”

Here’s an example of an “ed” Verb Phrase taken from two simple Subject-Verb sentences where the first sentence is converted into a Verb Phrase.

Two Subject-Verb Sentences

Popular herbs are widely available in capsule form. They are manufactured in laboratories.

(“ed”) Verb Phrase (beginning of

Manufactured in laboratories, popular herbs are widely available in capsule form.”

Sentence) to add variety to the writing.

Two Subject-Verb Sentences

Chris is taking accounting. It is believed to be the most difficult course in the major.

(“ed”) Verb Phrase (end of Sentence) to add variety to the writing.

Chris is taking accounting, believed to be the most difficult course in the major.

In the examples, the writer uses a Verb Phrase to replace the less important of two simple sentences and add variety and greater precision to the writing. Notice in the first example, the second Subject just repeats the first Subject (herbs/they), and in the second example (Chris/it), we’re not sure what the pronoun it refers to (see How to avoid weak sentences – Writing Tutor Session 7 Lesson 1). Notice also that the second Subject (it) is left out in the Verb Phrase.

6. Adding variety with formed with (“to” plus a Verb) Phrases.

Here’s an example of a (“to” plus a Verb) Phrase taken from two simple Subject-Verb sentences where the first sentence is converted into a Verb Phrase.

Two Subject-Verb Sentences

“Juan went to college. He majored in veterinary medicine.”

(“to” plus the verb) Phrase (beginning of Sentence) adds variety to the writing.

To study veterinary medicine, Juan went to college.”

(“to” plus the verb) Phrase (end of Sentence)

“Juan went to college to study veterinary medicine.”

A Verb Phrase is used to replace the less important of two simple sentences. Notice how in the example the second Subject in the two simple sentences just repeats the first Subject (Juan/he), and that the second Subject is left out in the Verb Phrase.

7. Adding variety with Transition Words

Transition Words serve as a bridge that take readers from one concept to the next in an essay. Transition Words help readers follow the essay’s organization. Transition words also provide variety to writing, especially because they can be placed at the beginning, middle, or end of sentences.

Example Transition Words used in the sentence:

Simple Subject-Verb SentencePeople fail to have their pets vaccinated against rabies.

Sentence with Transition Word Frequently, people fail to have

at the beginningtheir pets vaccinated against rabies.

Simple Subject-Verb SentenceDrinking and driving is dangerous.

Sentence with Transition Word middle

Drinking and driving is therefore dangerous.

Simple Subject-Verb Sentence The bill was defeated.

Sentence with Transition Word at the end

The bill was defeated, however.

Here’s a list of commonly used Transition Words:

Of course, For instance,

Clearly, However,

Nevertheless, In fact,

First, second, third,… Then,

Finally, For example,

8. Here’s an important point: Simple Subject-Verb Sentences work well (if not overused) in your writing.

Example of Simple Sentences beautifully crafted:

“This too shall pass.” (Corinthians 10:12) “The greatest of these is love.” (Corinthians 13:13)

When used sparingly, Simple Subject-Verb Sentences add emphasis and importance to an idea or action. That’s because there are not a lot of words, phrases, and clauses to draw the readers’ attention away from the idea or action you want to emphasize. That’s why in mysteries the most suspenseful action is often a simple Subject-Verb sentence:

He pulled the trigger.

************

The following are different drafts of the same paragraph whose Thesis Statement is: “A controversy occurred in the 1912 Olympics.” On the left side is the first draft. It has only Compound Sentences with Coordinating Conjunctions. Notice how the writing appears repetitive, uninteresting, and you may notice that it fails to communicate precisely. On the right side, a professional writer uses a variety of sentence patterns to add precision and interest to his writing. Read each draft, so you can see the differences. Afterwards, we’ll look at each sentence to fully explain the revisions, and improvement, from the first to the second draft.

Compound Sentences Only Sentence Patterns with Variety and Greater Precision

The 1912 Olympic Games were held in Stockholm, Sweden, and a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon. This event involves five different skills, and one of them requires shooting a gun at a target. The American was competing for a gold medal, and he fired his gun, but the judges said that his bullet had completely missed the target. He didn't agree, and he claimed that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center, and

At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden, a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon. Among the five different skills in this event, one requires shooting a gun at a target. After an American who was competing for a gold medal fired his gun, the judges said that his bullet had completely missed the target. He didn't agree, claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center made by an earlier contestant. The judges did not

the hole had been made by an earlier contestant. The judges did not accept his argument, so he lost. The contestant was an army lieutenant, and his name was George S. Patton.

accept his argument, so he lost. The contestant was an army lieutenant named George S. Patton.

Let’s compare the two versions of the paragraph so you can see how the professional writer made his revisions.

Sentence 1:

Compound Sentence Sentence Pattern using the Prepositional Phrase for variety and greater precision

The 1912 Olympic Games were held in Stockholm, Sweden, and a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

(At the 1912 Olympic Games) (in Stockholm, Sweden), a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

Since the Thesis of the paragraph is that “a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon,” the writer makes that word group the main Subject-Verb of the sentence: “A controversy occurred during the Pentathlon,” and demotes the other word groups into two Prepositional Phrases: (At the 1912 Olympic Games) and (in Stockholm, Sweden). The purpose of a Prepositional Phrase is usually to say where the main sentence happened, and that’s exactly what these two Prepositional Phrases do – they tell the readers “where the controversy occurred.”

The author also adds variety by placing the Prepositional Phrases at the beginning of the sentence instead of having the usual Subject-Verb Sentence pattern coming first.

Sentence 2:

Compound Sentence Sentence Pattern using the Prepositional Phrase for variety and greater precision

This event involves five different skills, and one of them requires shooting a gun at a target.

(Among the five different skills) (in this event), one requires shooting a gun at a target.

In Sentence 2, the main support for the Thesis that (a controversy occurred) focuses on “one event that requires shooting a gun at a target,” and indeed that is the Main Subject-Verb Sentence in the revised draft (One requires shooting a gun at a target). On the other hand, the author demotes the importance of the supporting information “the event involves five different skills” into two Prepositional Phrases “Among the five different skills” and “in this event.”

Again, the author adds variety to his writing by placing the Prepositional Phrases at the beginning of the sentence instead having the usual Subject-Verb Sentence pattern.

Sentence 3:

Compound Sentence Sentence Pattern using two Subordinate Clauses for variety and greater precision

The American was competing for a gold medal, and he fired his gun, but the judges said [that] his bullet had completely missed the target.

(After an American [who was competing for a gold medal] fired his gun), the judges said [that] his bullet had completely missed the target.

In Sentence 3, the important support for the Thesis “a controversy occurred” is that “the judges said that his bullet had completely missed the target,”

because if the judges did not say he missed, then there is no controversy. That’s why the author makes this idea into the main Subject-Verb sentence. He then lowers the importance of the first word group, which gives support information “The American was competing for a gold medal” and “he fired his gun” into two Subordinate Clauses “After an American fired his gun” and “who was competing for a gold medal.”

Notice that the second Subordinate Clause “who was competing for a gold medal” is placed inside the first Subordinate Clause – “After an American fired his gun.”

Once again the author achieves greater precision and variety in the revised draft.

Sentence 4:

Compound Sentence Sentence Pattern using “ing” and “ed” Verb Phrases for variety and greater precision

He didn't agree, (and) he claimed [that] his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center, (and) the hole had been made by an earlier contestant.

He didn't agree, (claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center) [made by an earlier contestant].

In Sentence 4, the important support for the author’s Thesis that “a controversy occurred” is that “the contestant disagreed with the judges” because if he accepts the judges’ ruling, there is no controversy. That’s why the author makes this concept into the Main Subject-Verb Sentence “He didn't agree.” He demotes the importance of the other word groups, which give support, into two Verb Phrases, an “ing” Verb Phrase, “claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center” and an “ed” Verb Phrase “made by an earlier contestant.” Notice that in Sentence 4 he begins with a Subject-Verb pattern, which he hasn’t yet done in the paragraph, and ends with the two Verb Phrases so that both patterns add variety to the writing.

Sentence 5:

Compound Sentences Only Sentence Pattern using Prepositional Phrase to give variety and greater precision

The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

If you say there is no difference in the two drafts of Sentence 5, you’re right! That’s because both word groups “The judges did not accept his argument” and “he lost” are important to the Thesis that “a controversy occurred.” That’s because if “the judges accept his argument” or “he wins anyway,” there is no controversy. So the author uses a Compound Sentence to express that the two ideas are equal. He also adds variety because he hasn’t yet used a Compound Sentence in the paragraph, proving the point that there’s nothing wrong with a Compound Sentence if used correctly and not overused.

Sentence 6:

Compound Sentence Sentence Pattern using an “ed” Verb Phrase to give variety and greater precision

The contestant was an army lieutenant, and his name was George S. Patton.

The contestant was an army lieutenant [named George S. Patton].

Sentence 6 is tricky because the fact that “the contestant is George S. Patton,” who was one of the most famous generals of the second world war)” is more important than that he “was an army lieutenant.” Yet, the author makes the less important idea, “The contestant was an army lieutenant,” into the Main Subject-Verb Sentence. He demotes the more important idea, “named George S. Patton,” into a simple “ed” Verb Phrase. Why? Has the writer made a careless error after being so accurate in the rest of the paragraph? Not really.

His strategy is similar to when you give a surprise Lessony for a friend. The key to keeping the surprise is making it seem as if there is nothing important going on. You might say to your friend, “Oh, let’s drop by my aLessonment because I forgot my coat.” But you have all the guests in the living room of your aLessonment ready to shout “Surprise!” when your friend enters unawares. You hide your real reason, the surprise Lessony, behind the cover reason of getting your coat. The writer also creates surprise by hiding what’s important to his Thesis “the contestant is George S. Patton” behind the cover reason “he’s an army lieutenant” by making the less important idea into the Main Sentence, and the surprise “he’s George S. Patton” into the less important “ed” Verb Phrase!

George S. Patton in his dress uniform, 1943http://topper10.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/george_s_patton1.jpg

George S. Patton: A Bit of History

1George S. Patton was one of the most famous World War II generals. He was known for his aggressive military tactics, gigantic ego, and his willingness to take casualties if he could advance against the Germans, especially in competition with the British General, “Monty” Montgomery. Patton was also known for his super-shined silver helmet, impeccable uniform, twin pistols with ivory handles, and almost knee high black leather riding boots. There’s an excellent movie on George S. Patton called Patton staring George C. Scott, which you can watch the Intro to on YouTube. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L9FMBbFJZY).

Practice 9. Creating Sentence Variety: “The Mummy”

Read the passage below. Notice that the sentences are short, choppy, and repetitive. After studying the passage carefully, rewrite it in a way that creates better sentence variety. Take out or replace any informal wording wording,

clichés, or slang. You are encouraged to create sentence variety, using some or all of the following:

Simple Sentence with a Subject and a Verb.

Example: The contestant was an army lieutenant.

Prepositional Phrases (on, from, with, for, at…) at beginning, middle, and end of sentences to demote less important ideas.

Example: At the 1912 Olympic Games in Stockholm, Sweden), a controversy occurred during the Pentathlon.

Compound Sentences with Coordinate Conjunctions (and, but, or, so…) to balance equally important ideas.

Example: The judges did not accept his argument, [so] he lost.

Clauses combined with Subordinate Conjunctions (after, which, although…).

Example:

Combining related sentences with a semicolon.

Example: The contestant was an army lieutenant; his name was George S. Patton.

Phrases starting with an "ing" form of the verb,

Example: He didn't agree, claiming that his bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center.

Phrases starting with an "ed" form of the verb.

Example: His bullet had gone straight through a hole in the center made by an earlier contestant.

Phrases starting with 'to' and the verb.

Example: To increase his fame, George S. Patton allowed newspaper reporters to travel along with his military staff.

(Make sure to have at least one "ing" Verb Phrase, "ed" Verb Phrase, or 'to' plus a Verb Phrase in the revision!)

Here’s the paragraph that you will be revising:

The Mummy

The mummy was moving. The mummy's right arm was outstretched, and it was gross. There were torn wrappings were hanging from it. The being stepped out of its gilded box! You could tell the mummy was dead as a doornail. There was a scream stuck in her throat, and she was flipped out, and the thing was coming towards her. It was coming towards Henry, he stood with his back to it. He didn’t have a clue. You could see that. It was moving with a weak walk, and it was moving with a shuffling gait. The dust was rising. Rotting linen covered it. A great smell of dust filled the room, and a great smell of decay filled the room.

Your revision:

The Mummyhttp://www.hotflick.net/pictures/999TMY_Rachel_Weisz_042.html

YouTube of the trailer for the 1932 version of The Mummy (Click Here).