Chapter 4 Interpersonal communication skills Eng. Mohammed Alsumady

Chapter 4Interpersonal communication skills

Eng. Mohammed Alsumady

Outline

1. How to build positive workplace relations

2. Conflict types

3. Methods to deal with criticism.

Positive workplace relations

People do not express themselves clearly

for many reasons. Some of these are:

• Relate to message structure

• Sending the most appropriate message for

the situation and relationship.

Four specific qualities will improve workplace relations (to create positive climate in workspace):

1. Clarity (verbal and nonverbal. Words we use must reflect

our inner world).

2. Respect (communicate mutual respect, show feeling and

care of the other, respectful messages do not create

defensive responses).

3. Assertiveness (show respect for our rights and needs and

also treat others as we would like to be treated).


Four specific qualities will improve workplace relations (to create positive climate in workspace):

4. Flexibility (Cope with criticism(نقد) in a constructive way):

When confronted with criticism, we often find the need to

justify our behavior in a defensive way rather than to listen

for information which may help us correct a serious fault or

deal with manipulative( (متالعبهcriticism in a tactfulلبقه

way.


• Use specific and tentative language .

• Give direct, honest and appropriate messages.

• Criticism can be handled by analyzing,

acknowledging , assertion or inquiry.


Conflicts implies disagreement, discord, and

friction among members of a group.

interaction where words, emotions, and actions

"strike together" to produce disruptive effects.

Conflict types

• Poor performance of an employee is seldom the cause of conflict.

• The five leading causes of conflicts are:

1.Misunderstanding and miscommunication

2.Disrespect or disregard for other people

3.Egos ((الغرور

4.Impatience

5.Fear and insecurity

Conflict types

The main types of conflict:

•Interpersonal Conflict

•Intergroup Conflict.

Conflict types

Define interpersonal conflict types:

1. Pseudo conflicts (زائف )

2. Fact conflicts

3. Ego conflicts

4. Value conflicts

5. Need conflicts

Conflict types

• Pseudo-Conflict (not real):- This type of

conflict happens when people have

misunderstandings with each other.

• Can result from two causes:

1. Faulty assumptions

2. False dilemmas ( كاذبه ) معضالت

Conflict types

1. Faulty assumptions:

You and your partner agree to clean the office on Friday

afternoon, at that time you see your partner leave

the building, what's your reaction? Your reaction

mat be that your partner is ducking out on the

cleaning job. Setting yourself up for a pseudo-

conflict.

Conflict types

1. False dilemmas (see only two choices as

solutions to a problems):

Your boss asked you to attend training course,

while you have full schedule of duties, what

to do? Your choice may be “either” “or” ,

while there are many other choices.

Conflict types

• Fact Conflict:-

occur when individual disagree about

information that could be verified.

for example how many miles per gallon the

hybrid cars are getting? Or what are the

tolerances of machining a particular part?

Conflict types

• Ego Conflict:-

Results when a dispute centers on status or power. (who has the

“right”) .

Rather than solving problems those engaged in ego conflicts

spend their energy proving their self-worth, or their power.

For example: I think that I know more than my friends about

basketball

Conflict types

• Value conflict:

Focus on personal beliefs that you hold

Conflict types

• Needs conflict:

Occur when needs of one individual are at the odds with

the needs of others.

- When I need a tool to end my job and you do so.

- When I need time to complete my report and you

need my help.

Conflict types

Outline

1. Conflict styles

2. Conflict strategies

3. Relationship tools

4. Using skillful language

In general There are five styles people use in conflict situations:

1.Avoiders

2.Friendly helpers

3.Tough battlers

4.Compromisers

5.Problem solvers

Conflict styles

1. Avoiders:

- Some people simply hate difficult conversations and

will do anything to avoid facing the issue.

- They may lack the time, confidence, energy or skills to

engage in conflict.

- Fearful that the conflict will escalate if they engaged

- Avoiders try to stay away from conflict by leaving

situation, changing the subject,…….

Conflict styles

Although constant use of avoidance is not

recommended you may choose this style as

means of buying time in order to think through

the problem, as a way of temporarily defusing

strong emotions,…..

Conflict styles

2. Friendly helpers:

– They “give in”(يستسلم) to keep the peace.

– They value smooth relationships and don’t want to cause

trouble for anyone.

– This style is most appropriate when the conflict is not that

important

– In the other hand repeated accommodation may result in

resentment and failure.

Conflict styles

3. Tough battlers:

– They expect to get their needs met regardless of

the costs.

– Their needs come first and sometimes with no

regard for the needs of others

– These individuals see conflict as a win or lose

situation in which they must be the winner.

Conflict styles

3. Tough battlers:

– They employ persuasion (توجه) with emotional appeals(نداء),

forceful deliveries and persistence (اصرار) to get their needs

– They are impatience with others who do not see things their

way

– They are interested in implementing their solution to a problem

rather than listening to opinions, needs and feelings of others.

Conflict styles

3. Tough battlers

While battling can lower morale and stifle creativity, in some situations this approach may be the appropriate. Example, when decisions have to be made quickly or when crisis must be dressed, battling may be most reasonable option.

Conflict styles

4. compromisers:

– They think that those involved in the conflict must

each be prepared to give up something in order to

reach a solution.

– They expect to settle for less than their needs.

– They usually employ negotiating and trading in an

attempt to find a solution.

Conflict styles

4. compromisers:

– They subscribe to the principle “we must both give a

little”. We can both live with the solution.

– Finding some middle ground may provide a partial

solution to a conflict. However, unmet needs may

still remain, and for those involved the commitment

to the solution will be lukewarm at best.

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

– They believe that both parties can and will

get their needs met.

– If we understand each other’s needs, we will

be able to find a way to meet both parties

needs.

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

– They share information about what they need and listen

to understand what the other needs.

– Trust and openness make searching for possible

solutions a creative experience.

– This style has the advantages of promoting collaboration

and commitment but it seems unattainable when needs

of those involved are not understood or listened to.

Conflict styles

5. Problem solvers:

When individuals or a group plan to solve a problem, their chances for success increases if they follow problem-solving approach !?

Permanent solution can be achieved by problem solving approach.

Conflict styles

Conflict styles may be used

habitually or they may be a

conscious choice

Conflict styles

Regardless of the conflict style you select, there are some ground rules for conflict may enhance your success:1. Agree upon a date and format to discuss the conflict

2.Rehearse what you will say and how you will respond

3.Confront the other (stating the problem, describe your feelings, and identify the consequences) .

Conflict strategies

4. Provide feedback (paraphrase the previous speaker before commenting, feedback is best when it summarizes the content and feelings of the other)

5. Make a specific request of the other person that you feel would resolve the conflict.

6. Allow the other to respond to your request.

7. Continue the process of listening, paraphrasing and asserting throughout the discussion of the issue.

8. Acknowledge closure of the discussion (when agreement is achieved or a recess is needed).

9. Arrange a follow up that provides an opportunity to review the implementation of the solution or renews discussion in light of the time passed.

Conflict strategies

Basic rules for “fair fighting”:

1. Select the right time to fight (not mealtimes, bedtimes,

or when you or the other is too upset).

2. Try to maintain control of anger and strong feelings (be

fair and sensitive to the feelings of the others).

3. Limit your fighting to one issue (the real issue).

4. Take turns clearly expressing your concerns and

listening to others response.

Conflict strategies

Remember that conflicts have at least two important factors:

The issue and the relationship. To solve a problem at the expense of the other person can destroy a relationship, yet to maintain a relationship where issues are not addressed can be equally frustrating. Meeting both parties needs is the best way to resolve conflicts.

Conflict strategies

When individuals or a group set out to solve problem, their chances for success increase if they follow problem solving approach:

1. Define the problem in term of needs, not solutions (your needs are important to me or we really can understand one another).

2. Brainstorm possible solutions (I value your creative thinking).

3. Select the best solution that will met the both parties needs (I want you to have your needs satisfied).

Interpersonal relationship tools

Problem solving approach:

4.Plan who will do what, where, and by when (you and I are willing to make joint decision).

5.Implement the plan (we have the power to change).

6.Evaluate the problem solving process and how will the solution worked (we can get better at problem solving, we are flexible).

Interpersonal relationship tools

The two interpersonal basics skills:

1. Using Skillful language.

2. Using Assertion messages.

Skillful language is:

1. Specific language

2. Tentative language

3. Informing language

Using skillful language

1. Specific language:

– One of the most frequent causes of

misunderstanding is using general language.

– To avoid these breakdowns keep in mind

the following suggestions:


Specific language:

1. Do not assume that receivers should know what

you mean.

2. Avoid the use of absolutes words ( always, never)

“You are always late” be specific by saying “you

were 20 min late for work this morning”.


3. State your message in the most concrete or

specific words possible (“I want you to help out

this afternoon” it’s better to say “I need you to

answer the phone and take messages while I

attend the 1:00 pm meeting”)

4. Encourage the receiver to paraphrase the

message “I’m not sure I made myself clear”.


Example: “S” Specific “G” General

- Get the blue, two year old Grand Cherokee in the

second row of the used parking lot. “S”

- Never buy that brand of tool its really junk “G”

- Your workstation is a mess “G” .

- There is a 30 percent chance of rain in the

forecast today “S” .


2. Tentative language:

– Tentative language makes it clear to a receiver

that your opinions are just opinions not facts

and are, therefore subject to error.

(Be tentative rather than absolute in the message

you send to others).



– “you never listen to me when I talk to you”.

(absolute statement)

– “you don’t seem interested in listening or talking

right now”. (Tentative statement)

You will be less likely to view your opinions as facts.



– Ms Mendoza is the best teacher in the word.

(Absolute statement).

– It appears to me that unemployment contributes

to increased crime rates. (Tentative statement).


Imagine that you work at company with strong

union and you strongly believe unions are necessary

and valuable to protect employee rights. Your friend

work in non-unionized company feels just the

opposite and tells you:

“Companies if left a lone would take care of their

workers, union always cost their members money


and don’t really provide protection to their workers”.

Since your views are in direct opposition to your

friend’s, your response is likely to be defensive and may

trigger an argument. But if your friend had said:

“I believe that some companies really care about their

workers, like where I work and that some unions don’t

necessarily guarantee worker protection. Your reaction

to the statement will be different.


3. Informing language:

– No one like to be ordered.

– We use order statements when we must do

something.

– Sometimes orders are necessary (but dose

not encourage feedback).



– Order statements command the receiver of the

message to behave in a specific way, they

remove any choice or decision making from

the receiver.

– Orders called “you” messages (direct,

command or control an action)



– However, we can give information instead of

orders, we give the same information without

creating defensiveness. (Informing statement

will often get the same results without

creating defensiveness).



– Ordering statements remove any choice or decision

making from the receiver, they usually represent one-

way communication.

– Informing statements opens the door for two- way

communication, and encourages similar sharing from

the receiver.


3. Informing language (examples):

– When you don’t close the walk-in cooler

door, the compressor overheats. (I)

– You have to share the overtime with Ronnie

and Kim. (O)


1. Behavior description statements.

2. Constructive feeling messages.

3. Consequence statements.

4. Impression checks.

5. Request statements.

Using Assertion messages

1. Behavior description statements:

How we interpret other peoples behavior influence our

thoughts and feeling, if someone behavior violates

our personal rights, prevents us from meeting our

needs we may think that we treated unfairly

(respond with frustration irritation or annoyance).



– Expressing our feelings (physically and

psychologically) is healthy.

– will be useful if we let the receiver know

what behavior we are reacting to?



– We can not change the others negative

behaviors but we can increase the chance of a

person changing his behavior if we describe

the behavior in specific, factual, non-

judgmental terms.



– Saying “you’ve really been selfish lately”

(receiver don’t know why you say that and

his response will be defensiveness)



– Saying “you’ve borrowed my reference

manuals twice this week without asking me

if I needed to use them” (receiver will ask

your permission next time)



– Your have clearly identified the behavior

– Also you avoid any evaluation of character,

motives or intentions (which reduce

defensiveness)



Behavior descriptions criteria:

– They should report only behaviors that we

can observe.

– They should exclude any evaluation or

judgment

– They should be specific and tentative



Also its very appreciate to express

POSITIVE behaviors



Behavior descriptions common problems:

- Use general statements

- Presenting inference(استدالل about others

attitudes, feeling,….



- Judge the others using loaded words

- Using absolute terms such as “never”…

- Include more than one act in the description



Example:

- You were rude to the customer.

- You gave me a dirty look for telling an

ethnic joke


2. Constructive feeling messages:

- We can lessen misunderstanding, reduce

stress, and avoid unnecessary conflicts if we

learn to voice our feelings constructively.

- Expressing our feeling dose not mean

sharing our deepest inner emotions with

everyone at any time.



- More people fall into the category of

under expressing rather than over

expressing.(our goal to achieve

balance between these two extremes).



When to express our feeling??

- In ongoing relations (parents-child, husband-

wife, friend-friend)

- When we aim to help relationship not to

harm it

- When a conflict threaten the relation



When to express our feeling??

- When the expression of these feelings

moves to a deeper level of sharing



However knowing when to express your

feeling is not enough, its important to

know how to express.

There is two important elements (an “I”

message and identification of the feeling

you are experience)



Examples:

– When you use my car and then do not refill

the gas tank, I feel irritated

– I'm so pleased with the 7 extra hours

you’ve put in the blueprint



With repeated situation the constructive

feeling message become part of our

communication style


Common problems:

–Place “that” , “it”, “you” for “I”

–Place “think” for “feel”

–Rather than share “feel” share “don’t feel”

–Using future feeling statements


–Using “I feel like” or “I feel that”

–Using “I’m sorry” or “I'm afraid”

–Combining skillful feeling with unskillful

messages


Examples:

- I feel its time for us to take a break

-I'm really grateful you loaned me your car while

mine was being repaired (direct feeling)

-I feel that going on second shift if you don’t have

to is really stupid (seem as not real feeling)

-I feel like I'm on top of the world (using figurative

feeling, not clear)


When you begin to write and share your

feeling messages, try to become

comfortable saying, “I feel”, “I get”, “I am”

Then try to use single word that names the

feeling you are experiencing


1. Behavior description statements.

2. Constructive feeling messages.

3. Consequence statements.

4. Impression checks.

5. Request statements.


3. Consequence statement:

- Our job performance, when reviewed, can

be source of reward or punishment.

- Our behavior in public places can win the

respect of family and friends or it can get us

arrested



- In general: consequence statements inform

others of the effect of their behaviors is

having on us.

- consequence statements can be tangible or

intangible.



Tangible statements:

– expressing the effect of other behaviors on our

time, money, work, possession, safety and

effectiveness of the job.

– Can be measured in terms of gain, saving or losses

– They show the effect of others directly.



Tangible statements:

- Because I have to pay money that I don’t

have

- Because I saved money and time when you

repaired my computer



Intangible statements:

- The feeling we enjoy or suffer from

- Hearing that someone loves you

- Can not be measured by clock or by your

productivity


Hearing that your son

wants a Mohawk hair

cut


Intangible statements:

- Because I feel really happy.

- Because I can not cope with things.



Both tangible or intangible effect can be positive

or negative, they can save, enhance, add, or

enrich, however they also can waste,

diminish or destroy .



Effective communication requires sharing

of positive and negative , tangible and

intangible .


4. Impression checks:

Impression checks provide a way to confirm what you are

thinking about other people without always having

to ask a question.

Let’s suppose that someone has said or done something

which you don’t completely understand. You have

some idea of what the sender might be feeling,

wanting, needing, or thinking, but you are not sure.


4. Impression check:

At this point you may ask him a question or you

may pretend you know what’s going on.

“Asking will clear things up”

Impression checks have to be used with a

curious, questioning tone that communicate

your interest and concern.



In short: impression check are responses to

someone’s verbal or nonverbal

communication which share an

impression of that person’s message in

open minded, non evaluation way and

which invite a response from the person.



Clear impression check should do:

- State your impression or inference of another person

(their wants, needs, feeling or going to do).

Example : “I get the impression you want sometime to

yourself”.

- Present your impression in open mind way or

tentative way (“I may be wrong”, “It seems that” or “it

look as” ).



Clear impression check should do:

- Express your impression in non-evaluating

way (not even the tone of your voice should imply

that you are judging or putting down the sender).

- Invite a response using short question or

rising inflection.



- by your frown (عبوس), I get the idea that

Wednesday will not be a good day for us to

meet, right?

- You’re late again, what the hell’s the matter with

you?

- I get the idea that you made another silly

mistake.


5. Request statements:

Request are polite statement that directly and

specifically ask someone to modify his

behavior in a way that gets your needs met

and that maintains the quality of the

relationship. (getting people to modify their

behavior is the goal).



- May seek permission of others for actions “I

would like to have off on Saturday 18th”

- May ask for help “can you help me understand this

diagram in the service manual?”

- May ask for cooperation from others “lets work

toward a solution of the work schedule to meet all

of our needs”.



Parts of request statement:

1. Should be direct: state directly what you need

2. Must be specific: tell others exactly what you are asking

them to do.

3. Allow freedom of response: you need to be open minded

to realize that people may say ”no” to your request

because they are unable to do what you ask.

4. Should be polite and courteous rather than sounding like

demands. “use please can make your request more welcomed”.



- Please hand me that 7/16- inch

socket(specific, direct and polite). (R)

- Thanks to your late arrival, we could not

start the safety training on time. (not R)

- Would you kindly return the insurance

enrollment forms by Friday this week? (R)



- Employee to boss: “you know it’s been

almost a year and a half since I had my last

rise”(not R)

- I’d like you to pick me up for work

tomorrow because my car won’t be

repainted until Wednesday. (R)


Dealing with criticism and responding

nondefensively may be one of the most difficult

and challenging aspects of effective

communication. The natural tendency to

become defensive when we are criticized may

result in negative results as hurt feelings.

Responding to Criticism

Manuel Smith in his book “when I say no, I feel guilty”

suggests three specific communication techniques an

employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:

1- Fogging

2- Negative assertion

3- Negative inquiry


Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively

with criticism:

1- Fogging: Is a technique of calmly acknowledging

unfair criticism without agreeing or disagreeing.

The fogger can make judgment of what to do with

the criticism. (believe it, challenge it ,or discard it)


Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with

criticism: example:

Your boss says to you, “your uniform is a mess” you may

respond by saying “perhaps my uniform is too

messy”. This fogging response shows that you was

listening and acknowledged the criticism without

being defensive.


Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:

2- Negative assertion: Is a technique where you agree with valid

criticism without having to apologize or give excuses. This

has the dual effect of allowing you to acknowledge your

shortcomings and to reduce your critic’s negative feelings.

Negative assertion is based on the assumption that “to err is

human” and the best way to deal with our mistakes is to

strongly agree with criticism.



2- Negative assertion: Example:

After you offered to pick Jan up from work, you forgot until an hour

later. When you finally arrived, Jan said, “you forgot to pick me

up. I nearly froze my toes off waiting for you.” Rather than

giving excuses it might be best to say, ” I did forget to pick you

up. That is the dumbest thing I’ve done in my life.” This

response agrees with the criticism without offering excuses or

placing blame, it helps us accept our mistakes, learn from them.



3- Negative inquiry: Technique requiring the active questioning of the

critic for specific information about vague criticism. The

assumption behind negative inquiry is that through active

questioning, you can determine if the criticism is valid or unfair.

Your tone of voice should say, “I’m confused, I need more

information.” examples: (what else am I not doing effectively?

What specifically did I ….?)


End of chapter 4

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Chapter 4 Interpersonal communication skills Eng. Mohammed Alsumady