Chapter 8

Making and Keeping Friends

Chapter OverviewChapter Overview

Keeping FriendsFriendships Are PreciousWhen Friends Get TogetherSelf-Disclosure--Those Little SecretsSame-Sex, Opposite-Sex FriendsStaying FriendsLoneliness

Meeting People•Are First Impressions Most Important?•Mistaken Impressions•Shyness

MakingMakingand Keeping and Keeping

FriendsFriends

Chapter OutlineChapter Outline

Meeting People• Are First Impressions Most

Important?• Mistaken Impressions• Shyness

Keeping Friends • Friendships Are Precious• When Friends Get Together• Self-disclosure – Those Little

Secrets• Same-sex, Opposite-Sex Friends• Staying Friends• Loneliness

Chapter Outline Chapter Outline CONT’DCONT’D

Meeting PeopleMeeting People

• We need both intimate and casual friendships.

• Those who lack such relationships feel lonesome.

• People differ in their respective needs for social relationships.

• Even our momentary moods can influence how social we prefer to be.

Are First ImpressionsAre First ImpressionsMost Important?Most Important?

First Impressions--are those initial impressions we form of others and are based on very little information.

• First impressions do appear to be most important.

• In impression management, not all impressions are treated equally.

• There are a number of factors on which we base our first impressions (see next few slides):

Type of BehaviorType of Behavior

• Positive behavior is the expected norm.

• When someone does something negative, it stands out in our minds.

• We presume the negative behavior was done intentionally.

…colors our first impressions.

Attractive people are judged Attractive people are judged to be moreto be more:

• compassionate• successful• intelligent• interesting• sociable

…although they may not be!

Physical AttractivenessPhysical Attractiveness

• Unattractive others are perceived negatively.

• The matching The matching hypothesis--hypothesis--People usually settle for someone about as attractive as they are.

Other Factors Influencing First Other Factors Influencing First ImpressionsImpressions

• Reputation – hearsay from someone else influences us.

• Similarity – assumed similarity leads to liking. • Propinquity – the less the physical distance,

the more the liking.• Nonverbal signals – a person’s posture and

gestures also influence our attraction to them.• Verbal signals – not what is said, but how it is

said. ParalinguisticsParalinguistics – unspoken but important features of spoken communication.

Mistaken ImpressionsMistaken Impressions

We often use heuristics (mental shortcuts) to form impressions; thus, impressions can be wrong.

For example:• The False Consensus Effect--False Consensus Effect--we assume others

feel as we do.• Stereotypes--Stereotypes--widespread generalizations based

little on reality also shape our impressions of others.

• The Halo Effect--The Halo Effect--inferring uniformly positive traits from the appearance of a few positive traits.

• The Horns (Devil) Effect--The Horns (Devil) Effect--inferring uniformly negative traits from the appearance of a few negative traits.

Errors of judgment also make us misconstrue others. For example, the fundamental attribution error tends to make us focus on traits, not on situations.

ShynessShyness• Shy people often are perceived as aloof.• Some shy people may experience an extreme

form of shyness known as social anxiety.• Shy people dislike being shy and see shyness

as a personal fault.• Shyness can be reduced by learning to

censor or cut off self-monitoring of thoughts and behaviors.

• Shyness is on the rise in America.• Some people are finding relief from shyness

on the Internet.

Keeping FriendsKeeping Friends• The desire for

interpersonal connectedness is a fundamental human motive.

• The more we get to know someone, the more likely the attraction will ripen into friendship.

Friendships Are PreciousFriendships Are Precious

Friendship--the affectionate attachment between two or more people.

Friendship is more than attraction, though. High quality friendships are

characterized by:• Helping• Disclosure of secrets• Praise• Loyalty• Warmth and closeness

Friendships in childhood are very important!

When Friends Get TogetherWhen Friends Get Together

• One of the most common activities is the sharing of intimate talk.

• …friends engage in self-disclosure self-disclosure – the sharing of personal information with someone else.

• Women are more likely to self-disclose...• Doing favors for one another is a sign of

friendship.• They also engage in social supportsocial support – a process

whereby one individual or group offers comfort and advice to others so they can use it for coping.

Self-Disclosure: Those Little SecretsSelf-Disclosure: Those Little Secrets

Self-disclosureSelf-disclosure--the sharing of intimate or personal information with others.

• Self-disclosure may help us vent! This may be healthy if it is done carefully.

• “Unwritten rules” about self-disclosure:- don’t disclose intimate information to strangers- don’t disclose so much to a friend that he or she feels

obligated to disclose equally sensitive material and thus feels uncomfortable.

• There are gender differences: women are more willing to disclose….

Same-Sex, Opposite-Sex FriendsSame-Sex, Opposite-Sex Friends

• Intimacy plays a bigger role in women-to-women friendships.

• Men are not as close to each other as women are.

• Men typically do “buddy activities” (e.g. sports) with one another rather than disclose.

• Opposite-sex friends are sometimes used to explore ways to meet others of the opposite-sex.

Staying FriendsStaying Friends

Some reasons why friendships cool:

• Life transitionLife transition--one friend moves away, takes a new job, or becomes too busy

• Trust Trust or confidentiality is brokenis broken.

• Or they realize they are more more differentdifferent than they initially thought or one experiences personal growthone experiences personal growth and the other doesn’tthe other doesn’t.

LonelinessLoneliness

A subjective state reflecting the fact that the quality and quantity of

relations wanted is lower than what is available.

• It is not the same as solitude!• College students often report high

levels of loneliness.• Loneliness tends to decline as we

age.

LonelinessLoneliness cont’d

• People with secure attachmentssecure attachments to parents are less like to be lonely.

• Other factors: low self-esteem, poor low self-esteem, poor social skills, culture,social skills, culture, and passivitypassivity.

• People with high levels of emotional emotional intelligenceintelligence (EQ) (EQ) report being less lonely than those without high EQ.

EQ--EQ--the ability to regulate one’s own emotions as well as to be empathic for others’ emotions.