Chapter 9When Couples and Families Struggle

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• Approximately ____ of first marriages end in divorce

• Disadvantages associated with divorce 1. Toxic patterns carried over from first

marriages to second marriages 2. Divorce may create new problems that

previously didn’t exist 3. Divorce may create adjustment problems for

children 4. Other

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Warning Signs Even Before Marriage

• Problems of self-esteem• Problems of anger and self control• Problems with addiction• Problems concerning unfinished business from

childhood

• PREPARE: A Premarital Preparation Program (p. 285-288).

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Gottman observed … in the love lab

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• Couple’s interactions, discussing topics, working on tasks together, attempting to resolve conflict

• Observed facial expressions, bodily gestures etc.• Measured physiological changes such as heart rate, palm

moisture,etc.• Also assessed cognitive components—thoughts

• Gottman found 3 healthy marital styles – maintained 5 to 1 ratio in conflict discussion

Gottman: Divorce From a Process Perspective

Va______ Couples

• Emotions and opinions - validated by ______________________

• Mutual respect, few disagreements

• Compromise

• Good friends, value “we” over “me”

• Possible drawbacks.

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Vo____ Couples

• Heated ________, high energy• Negative/positive _________ expression• Involved in give-and-take• Equals within a loving marriage• Allow for individuality/differences• Possible drawbacks.

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A______ Couples• “Conflict __________”• Down play their differences• Accept positives, ignore differences• “Love will see us through”• Agree to disagree• Possible drawbacks

• These 3 types of marriages were successful because they had

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The Important Ratio: 5 to 1• at least 5 positive interactions

to every negative interaction in conflict discussions

• If couple could not maintain 5 to 1 ratio their marriage became troubled.

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Unhealthy Marriage Styles• Hostile/_______: hot arguments, put downs,

failure to listen and empathize

• Hostile/________: some hostility but at least one partner somewhat emotionally uninvolved and detached.

• Perhaps they had __________ styles• Validator with an avoider

• Validator with Volatile

• Avoider with volatile

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The Signs of Trouble:

“The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

Criticism often begins with _____

Differs from complaint – a complaint is more specific, can be helpful, often begins with ___

Complaints = ___ startup

Criticism = _____ startup10

1. Criticism

_______ and _______ one’s personal character

• Criticism: Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank and you didn’t. I can never count on you for anything.

• Complaint:

• Criticism: You never take me anywhere. All you want to do is sit on your butt and watch TV. You’re a disgrace.

• Complaint:

• Criticism: You left dirty dishes all over the kitchen again. You promised me you wouldn’t. I just can’t trust you to do anything you say.

• Complaint:11

• Follows _______• Response to attack• Usually _______ conflict/negativity• “If you are being defensive (even if you

feel completely righteous in your stance), you are ______ to your marital troubles.”

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2. Defensiveness

• Intentional ______

• Views spouse as stupid and incompetent

• Intent to abuse and harm

• Corrodes respect and admiration

• The “sulfuric ____” of relationships.

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3. Contempt

Signs of Contempt

• Insults• Name calling - “jerk”, “bitch”, “idiot”• Hostile humor• Mockery• Body language- often head tilted back, rolling of

eyes• In healthy marriages some criticism and

defensiveness occurs. In healthy marriages ________ is practically nonexistent.

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4. Stonewalling

• Withdrawal to control ____________________

• silent, looking away, disengagement, or leaving the room

• ____ are men

• Upsets _______ more than men

• Very destructive when men become habitual stonewallers

• As 4 horsemen invade the 5 to 1 ratio in conflict discussions deteriorates

• Couple begins to reset _________.

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The Physiological Components of Marital Conflict

• In arguments it takes less negativity for husbands to be overwhelmed

• Husbands’ heart rate and blood pressure increases more rapidly, rises higher, and stays elevated longer

• Called _______

• Leads to ___________.

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The Cognitive Components of Marital Conflict

• After taping couples arguing, Gottman asked partners to view tape and indicate what they were thinking

• Husbands likely to have stress __________ thoughts - righteous indignation/innocent victimhood

• Often leads to more contempt• Women were more likely to have _______,

relationship enhancing thoughts.

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The Distance and Isolation Cascade• As the four horsemen invade, partners • Lose ___________________ for each other• Perceive problems as ________________• Talk is ______• Live separate lives as loneliness sets in• _______ history – construe past negatively• Little irritants become ________• Past viewed as _______ and chaotic

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Failed repair attempts

• Why don’t partners make an attempt to right the ship?

• They do - called ______ attempts. Communication that deescalates the ________.

• Repair attempts either not heard or cannot break through the negativity.

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• Gottman - divorce can be predicted by seeing if repair attempts ___. If they do, things continue to escalate and spin out of control

• How does a marriage come to experience such misery?

• Gradually, one ________ after the other

• Perhaps the couple simply had their expectations too high. Would lowering expectations help?

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• Partners who continue to have high expectations have the best marriages

• In happy marriages, wives are usually sensitive to low levels of negativity - like an early _____________. If wife accepts this negativity and does nothing until it gets worse, will this help?

• Finding: Wives who intervene _____ and refuse to allow the first three ________ to overrun the marriage, later had stable marriages.

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Falling Down the Marital Steps/Cascade

Marital Bliss

Criticism

Defensiveness

Contempt

Stonewalling

Thoughts - Stress Maintaining

Failed Repair Attempts

Respect and Admiration Diminishes

Problems Seen as Severe

Rewrite History

Talk is UselessLive Separate Lives/Lonely

Uncoupling: Another View

• Diane Vaughan’s research

• __________ 103 individuals whose relationships had failed

• Objective: explore how uncoupling occurred over time

• Findings: partners go through same stages but at ________ times

• One partner dissatisfied ________; other partner does not see trouble.

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Viewpoint of Initiator• Starts with secret/something not quite right• After time, (I.) decides to communicate

discontent• Communication often difficult• (I.) fearful and uncertain• Usually communicates ______• Rather than “I’m unhappy because…”• Expresses _______.

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• Purpose: __________________

• If relationship does not improve, (I.) may change basic ______________________

• Redefine self, relationship, finds alternate ways of seeking validation

• Nothing gets _______ in marriage.

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• More discontent, more criticism, hope lost• Purpose now - not to improve marriage,

but to emphasize that marriage is _______• (I.) goes public to ______________ and

______• Reconstructs ______• Explores what life might be like after . . • Yet, still uncertainties. Partner in dark.

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The Rejected Partner

• Aware without being _____

• Sees and hears, but chooses to ____

• Difficulty receiving bad news

• Selectively processes experiences that reinforce __________

• Hangs on the picture of intact marriage

• Avoids thoughts of breakup.

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• Negatives - normal for couples

• Present situation will pass

• Cover up becomes unbearable for (I.)

• Two forms of communication

1) Direct

2) Indirect

• Relationship labeled as _______

• In this process, rejected partner may make what is labeled a ____ mistake - sobs, anger etc.

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• (I.) may play at trying to recreate relationship• However, partners at different places in

________________• (I.) much further along - has entered another social

world• For rejected partner old habits die hard, tend to

reappear• Partner _________• Must redefine relationship and their partner – for

just as the (I) cannot separate from someone he/she likes, neither can the rejected partner

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Harville Hendrix and the Power Struggle

• The death of romantic love– Since individuals “have chosen partners with their

caretakers’ failings, it is likely that the partner will fail them as well, in the same devastating ways. Each is doomed to disappoint the other”

– Stages of power struggle same as stages of grief (Kubler-Ross)

– Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, despair.

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• Why so much unpleasantness?

• Hendrix believes that a pleasant response was not the first imprint on the old brain

• If infant had unmet needs, ______ and ______ response was natural

• When despair is reached, couples do not know what to do to make things better

• They have an “unconscious marriage”- no understanding of the powerful forces that have created their problems.

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