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Chapter 4Interpersonal communication skills
Mohammad R. [email protected]
Interpersonal Elements:
1. How to build positive workplace relations (clarity, respect, assertiveness, flexibility.)
2. Define conflict types (causes of conflicts).3. Recognize conflict styles (avoiders, friendly,
helpers, tough battlers, compromisers, problem solvers).4. Conflict Strategies.
Positive workplace relations
People do not express themselves clearly
because:
• Relate to message structure
• Sending the most appreciate message for
the situation and relation.
Four specific qualities will improve workplace relations & are necessary for create positive communication climate in the workplace
1. Clarity (verbal and nonverbal): Unclear messages are
due to: 1. Intentionally hide feeling & experiences for fear
of rejection. 2. Inability to express our thoughts & feelings
into words. Sometimes words say something, while voice
tone & body posture say other thing confusing the receivers
of our message. (Words we use must reflect our inner world)
Positive workplace relations
2. Respect: Sending respectful messages that do not create defensive response. Communicate mutual respect. Show care of other. Respect is shared by listening with understanding to others & speaking in way that show a feeling of equality & caring.
3. Assertiveness: We often react in two ways when we
feel that someone is violating our rights: 1. Passively;
letting others “walk all” over them. 2. Aggressively;
putting the other in the defensive. (show respect for our rights
and needs and also treat others as we would like to be treated)
Positive workplace relations
Positive workplace relations
4. Flexibility: Cope with circumstances in a constructive
way. Rather than defining your faults, listen to words
that correct and improve mistakes. (Cope with criticism( نقد)
in a constructive way): When confronted with criticism, we often
find the need to justify our behavior in a defensive way rather
than to listen for information which may help us correct a
serious fault or deal with manipulative( متالعبه ( criticism in a
tactful لبقهway.
Positive workplace relations
Some skills to solve conflict problems:
• Use specific and tentative language .
• Give direct, honest and appropriate messages.
• Criticism can be handled by analyzing,
acknowledging , assertion or inquiry
Despite our best efforts to build positive workplace
relations, conflict is inevitable & is bound to occur in all
work environments
Conflicts implies disagreement, discord, and friction
among members of a group.
Interaction where words, emotions, and actions "strike
together" to produce disruptive effects.
Poor performance of an employee is seldom the cause of conflict
Conflict types
Conflict types
• The five leading causes of conflicts are:
1.Misunderstanding-Miscommunication.2.Disrespect or disregard of other people.3.Conflict egos (self or personality).. الغرور أو األنا4.Impatience.5.Fear and insecurity over loss of control.
Conflict types
There are main types of conflict:
•Interpersonal Conflict
•Intergroup Conflict.
•Intrapersonal Conflict* (not mail type).
Conflict types
Define interpersonal conflict types:
1. Pseudo conflicts ( شبه نزاع أو نزاع زائف)
2. Fact conflicts
3. Ego conflicts
4. Value conflicts
5. Need conflicts
Conflict types
• Pseudo-Conflict (not real):- This type of
conflict happens when people have
misunderstandings with each other.
• Can result from two causes:
1. Faulty assumptions
2. False dilemmas ( آاذبهمعضالت )
Conflict types
1. Faulty assumptions:
You and your partner agree to clean the office on Friday
afternoon, at that time you see your partner leave
the building, what's your reaction? Your reaction
mat be that your partner is ducking out on the
cleaning job. Setting yourself up for a pseudo-
conflict.
Conflict types
2. False dilemmas (see only two choices as
solutions to a problems):
Your boss asked you to attend training course,
while you have full schedule of duties, what
to do? Your choice may be “either” “or” ,
while there are many other choices.
Conflict types
• Fact Conflict:-
Occur when individuals disagree about
information that could be easily verified.
For example how many miles per gallon the
hybrid cars are getting ? Or what are the
tolerances of machining a particular part?
Conflict types
• Ego Conflict:-
Results when we argue over who has the “right” facts.
Rather than solving problems those engaged in ego conflicts spend
their energy proving their self-worth, or their power.
For example: I think that I know more than my friends
about basketball
Conflict types
• Value conflict:
Focus on personal beliefs that you hold.
You may value the right to organize workers &
engage in collective bargaining. Or you may
believe that employees should have the right to
choose their own health care providers.
Conflict types
• Needs conflict:
Occur when needs of one individual are at the odds with
the needs of others.
- When I need a tool to end my job and you do so.
- When I need time to complete my report and you
need my help
Outline
1. Conflict styles
2. Conflict strategies
3. Relationship tools
4. Using skillful language
Recognize conflict styles
In general There is five styles people use in conflict situations:1.Avoiders2.Friendly helpers3.Tough battlers4.Compromisers5.Problem solvers
Conflict styles
1. Avoiders: (steer clear of conflict for a variety of reasons such as lack of time or energy, change the subject or simply agree)
- Some people simply hate difficult conversations and will do
anything to avoid facing the issue.
- They may lack the time, confidence, energy or skills to engage in
conflict.
- Fearful that the conflict will escalate if they engaged
- Avoiders try to stay away from conflict by leaving situation,
changing the subject,…….
Conflict styles
Although constant use of avoidance is not
recommended you may choose this style as
means of buying time in order to think through
the problem, as a way of temporarily defusing
strong emotions,…..
Conflict styles
2. Friendly helpers: (allow others to determine the outcome of a conflict)
– They “give in” to keep the peace.
– This style is most appropriate when the
conflict is not that important
– In the other hand repeated accommodation
may result in resentment and failure
Conflict styles
3. Tough battlers:
– They expect to get their needs met regardless
of the costs.
– Their needs come first and sometimes with
no regard for the needs of others
– These individuals see conflict as a win or lose
situation in which they must be the winner.
Conflict styles
3. Tough battlers:– They employ persuasion (توجه) with emotional
appeals(نداء), forceful deliveries and persistence (اصرار) to
get their needs
– They are impatience with others who do not see things
their way
– They are interested in implementing their solution to a
problem rather than listening to opinions, needs and
feelings of others.
Conflict styles
3. Tough battlersWhile battling can lower morale and stifle creativity, in some situations this approach
may be the appropriate. Example, when decisions have to be made quickly or when
crisis must be dressed, battling may be most reasonable option.
Conflict styles
4. compromisers:
– They think that those involved in the conflict must
each be prepared to give up something in order to
reach a solution.
– They expect to settle for less than their needs.
– They usually employ maneuvering, negotiating and
trading in an attempt to find a solution.
Conflict styles
4. compromisers:
– They subscribe to the principle “we must both give a
little”. We can both live with the solution.
– Finding some middle ground may provide a partial
solution to a conflict. However, unmet needs may
still remain, and for those involved the commitment
to the solution will be lukewarm at best.
Conflict styles
5. Problem solvers:
– They believe that both parties can and will
get their needs met.
– If we understand each other’s needs, we will
be able to find a way to meet both parties
needs.
Conflict styles
5. Problem solvers:– They share information about what they need and listen
to understand what the other needs.
– Trust and openness make searching for possible
solutions a creative experience.
– This style has the advantages of promoting collaboration
and commitment but it seems unattainable when needs
of those involved are not understood or listened to.
Conflict styles
5. Problem solvers:
When individuals or a group plan to solve a problem, their chances for success increases if they follow problem-solving approach !?
Permanent solution can be achieved by problem solving approach.
Conflict styles may be used
habitually or they may be a
conscious choice
Conflict styles
Conflict strategies
Regardless of the conflict style you select, there are some ground rules for conflict may enhance your success:1. Agree upon a date and format to discuss the conflict
2.Rehearse what you will say and how you will respond
3.Confront the other (stating the problem, describe your feelings, and identify the consequences) .
Conflict strategies4. Provide feedback (paraphrase the previous speaker before
commenting, feedback is best when it summarizes the content and feelings of the other)
5. Make a specific request of the other person that you feel would resolve the conflict.
6. Allow the other to respond to your request.7. Continue the process of listening, paraphrasing and asserting
throughout the discussion of the issue.8. Acknowledge closure of the discussion (when agreement is achieved
or a recess is needed).9. Arrange a follow up that provides an opportunity to review the
implementation of the solution or renews discussion in light of the time passed.
Conflict strategies
Basic rules for “fair fighting”:
1. Select the right time to fight (not mealtimes, bedtimes,
or when you or the other is too upset).
2. Try to maintain control of anger and strong feelings (be
fair and sensitive to the feelings of the others).
3. Limit your fighting to one issue (the real issue).
4. Take turns clearly expressing your concerns and
listening to others response.
Conflict strategies
Remember that conflicts have at least two important factors:
The issue and the relationship. To solve a problem at the expense of the other person can destroy a relationship, yet to maintain a relationship where issues are not addressed can be equally frustrating. Meeting both parties needs is the best way to resolve conflicts.
Interpersonal relationship toolsProblem solving approach: (6-Steps process in seeking
an elegant problem solutions & their messages; problem solving techniques)
1. Define the problem in term of needs, not solution. (your needs are important to me)
2. Brainstorm possible solutions (I value your creative thinking)
3. Select the best solution (group of solutions) that will met the both parties needs (I want you to have your needs satisfied)
Interpersonal relationship toolsProblem solving approach:4.Plan who will do what, where, and when. (you and I
are willing to make joint decision & plans to get our needs meet)
5.Implement the plan. (we have the power to change our behavior in a way that can improve our relationship)
6.Evaluate the problem solving process & how will the solution worked. (we can get better at problem solving & we are flexible)
There is two interpersonal basics skills:
1. Using Skillful language.
2. Using Assertion messages.
Using skillful language
Skillful language is:
1. specific language
2. Tentative language
3. Informing language
1. Specific language:
– One of the most frequent causes of
misunderstanding is using general language.
– No two people will ever process information from
other one in the exact same way.
– To avoid these breakdowns keep in mind the
following suggestions:
Using skillful language
Using skillful language
specific language:
1. Do not assume that receivers should know what
you mean
2. Avoid the use of absolutes( always, never) “you
are always late” . Be specific: “you were 20 min
late for work this morning”
Using skillful language3. When expressing needs, wants or thoughts, state your
message in the most concrete or specific words
possible (“I want you to help out this afternoon” or “I
need you to answer the phone and take messages while
I attend the 1:00 pm meeting”) versus saying: “ I want
you to help out this afternoon”.
4. Encourage the receiver to paraphrase the message.” I
am not sure I made myself clear”.
Using skillful language
Example: “S” Specific “G” General
- Get the blue, two year old Grand Cherokee in the
second row of the used parking lot. “S”
- Never buy that brand of tool its really junk “G”
- Your workstation is a mess “G” .
- There is a 30 percent chance of rain in the
forecast today “S” .
Using skillful language
2. Tentative language:
– Tentative language makes its clear to a receiver
that your opinions are just opinions not facts
and are, therefore subject to error.
(Be tentative rather than absolute in the message
you send to others).
Using skillful language
2. tentative language:
– Do not describe your opinion as if it always true or absolute.
– Opens up the sender to other view points.
– Absolute language reports a definite, unchanged point of view
whether or not it is correct.
– The use of ”I believe…,I think…, It seems to me…, I personally
feel…, my belief is…” makes the language more tentative & open
to change from both the sender & the receiver.
Using skillful language
2. Tentative language:
– “you never listen to me when I talk to you”.
(absolute statement)
– “you don’t seem interested in listening or
talking right now”. (Tentative statement)
You will be less likely to view your opinions as
facts.
Using skillful language
2. Tentative language:
– Ms Mendoza is the best teacher in the word.
(Absolute statement).
– It appears to me that unemployment
contributes to increased crime rates.
(Tentative statement).
Using skillful language
Imagine that you work at company with strong
union and you strongly believe unions are
necessary and valuable to protect employee
rights. Your friend work in non-unionized
company feels just the opposite and tells you:
“Companies if left a lone would take care of their
workers, union always cost their members money
Using skillful language
and don’t really provide protection to their workers”.
Since your views are in direct opposition to your
friend’s, your response is likely to be defensive and may
trigger an argument. But if your friend had said:
“I believe that some companies really care about their
workers, like where I work and that some unions don’t
necessarily guarantee worker protection. Your reaction
to the statement will be different.
• Tentative language is language that does not make absolute certainties. When writing about a topic where there is a great deal of uncertainty one will use tentative language, or write cautiously, to avoid making incorrect assertions. An example of language that is NOT tentative is:
Obama is a great president. He is well liked and knows what is right for the country.
This makes very direct assertions that can be challenged and will be subject to sharp disagreement An example of tentative language is:
Obama has the potential to become a great president. If he can effectively address the critical issues affecting this nation he could gain the respect of the people.
Now this statement does not make any direct assertions. Notice the statements are conditional and use conditional language such as "can" and "could". This is known as tentative language and is effective since it is harder to refute.
Using skillful language
3. informing language:
– No one like to be ordered.
– We use order statements when we must do
something.
– Sometimes orders are necessary (but dose
not encourage feedback).
Using skillful language
3. informing language:
– Order statements command the receiver of the
message to behave in a specific way, they
remove any choice or decision making from
the receiver.
– Orders called “you” messages (direct,
command or control an action)
Using skillful language
3. informing language:
– However, we can give information instead of
orders, we give the same information without
creating defensiveness. (Informing statement
will often get the same results without
creating defensiveness).
Using skillful language
3. informing language:
– Informing statements opens the door for two-
way communication, and encourages similar
sharing from the receiver.
– Ordering statements remove any choice or decision
making from the receiver, they usually represent one-
way communication.
Using skillful language
3. informing language (example):
– When you don’t close the walk-in cooler
door, the compressor overheats. (I)
– You have to share the overtime with ronnie
and kim. (O)
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements.
2. Constructive feeling messages.
3. Consequence statements.
4. Impression checks.
5. Request statements.
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
How we interrupt other peoples behavior influence our
thoughts and feeling, if someone behavior violates
our personal rights, prevent us from meeting our
needs (respond with frustration irritation or
annoyance)
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
– Expressing our feeling (physically and
psychologically) is healthy.
– Will be useful if we let the receiver know
what we reacting to?
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
– We can not change the others negative
behaviors but we can increase the chance of a
person changing his behavior if we describe
the behavior in specific, factual, non-
judgmental terms
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
– Saying “you’ve really been selfish lately”
(receiver don’t know why you say that and
his response will be defensiveness)
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
– Saying “you’ve borrowed my reference
manuals twice this week without asking me
if I needed to use them” (receiver will ask
your permission next time)
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
– Your have clearly identified the behavior
– Also you avoid any evaluation of character,
motives or intentions (which reduce
defensiveness)
1. Behavior description statements:
Behavior descriptions criteria:
– They should report only behaviors that we
can observe.
– They should exclude any evaluation or
judgment
– They should be specific and tentative
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
Also its very appreciate to express
POSITIVE behaviors
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
- Judge the others using loaded words
- Using absolute terms such as “never”…
- Include more than one act in the description
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements:
Example:
- You were rude to the customer.
- You never pay your fair share
- You gave me a dirty look for telling an ethnic joke
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
- We can lessen misunderstanding, reduce
stress, and avoid unnecessary conflicts if we
learn to voice our feelings constructively.
- Expressing our feeling dose not mean
sharing our deepest inner emotions with
everyone at any time.
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
- More people fall into the category of
under expressing rather than over
expressing. (our goal to achieve
balance between these two extremes).
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
When to express our feeling??
- In ongoing relations (parents-child, husband-
wife, friend-friend)
- When we aim to help relationship not to
harm it
- When a conflict threaten the relation
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
When to express our feeling??
- When the expression of these feeling moves
to a deeper level of sharing
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
However knowing when to express your
feeling is not enough, its important to
know how to express.
There is two important elements (an “I”
message and identification of the feeling
you are experience)
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
Examples:
– When you use my car and then do not refill
the gas tank, I feel irritated
– I'm so pleased with the 7 extra hours
you’ve put in the blueprint
Using Assertion messages
2. Constructive feeling messages:
With repeated situation the constructive
feeling message become part of our
communication style
Using Assertion messages
Common problems:
–Place “that” , “it”, “you” for “I”:
I love you is a feeling message, while I think I love
you is not.
–Place “think” for “feel”
–Rather than share “feel” share “don’t feel”
–Using future feeling statements
Using Assertion messages
–Using “I feel like” or “I feel that”
–Using “I’m sorry” or “I'm afraid”
–Combining skillful feeling with unskillful
messages
Using Assertion messages
Examples:- I feel its time for us to take a break (it is better to use think
here)
-I'm really grateful you loaned me your car while mine was
being repaired (direct feeling)
-I feel that going on second shift if you don’t have to is really
stupid (seem as not real feeling)
-I feel like I'm on top of the world (using figurative feeling, not
clear)
Using Assertion messages
When you begin to write and share your
feeling messages, try to become
comfortable saying, “I feel”, “I get”, “I am”
Then try to use single word that names the
feeling you are experiencing
Using Assertion messages
Using Assertion messages
1. Behavior description statements.
2. Constructive feeling messages.
3. Consequence statements.
4. Impression checks.
5. Request statements.
3. Consequence statement:
- Our job performance, when reviewed, can
be source of reward or punishment.
- It may be positive or negative.
- Our behavior in public places can win the
respect of family and friends or it can get us
arrested
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
- In general: consequence statements inform
others of the effect of their behaviors is
having on us.
- consequence statements can be tangible or
intangible.
Using Assertion messages
Consequence statement answer the question
“WHY”. They provide a “BECAUSE” for
thoughts & feelings.
3. Consequence statement:
Tangible statements:
– Expressing the effect of other behaviors on our
time, money, work, possession, health, safety and
effectiveness of the job.
– Can be measured in terms of gain, saving or losses
– They show the effect of others directly.
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
Tangible statements (Negative):
- Because I have to pay money that I don’t have
- Because I couldn’t hear the customer.
- Because I have to spend extra time repairing the
car.
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
Tangible statements (Positive):
- Because I saved extra work & trips when you
helped me in my moving.
- Because I saved money and time when you
repaired my computer
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
Intangible statements:
- When others take action that has definite impact on our lives.
- The feeling we enjoy or suffer from, the sense of
accomplishment or being cared for, and the notation of power.
- Hearing that someone loves you
- Can not be measured by clock or by your productivity
Using Assertion messages
Hearing that your son
wants a Mohawk hair
cut
3. Consequence statement:
Intangible statements (positive or negative):
- Because I really belong to this group.
- Because I feel really happy.
- Because I can not cope with things.
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
Both tangible or intangible effect can be positive
or negative, they can save, enhance, add, or
enrich, however they also can waste,
diminish or destroy .
Using Assertion messages
3. Consequence statement:
Effective communication requires sharing
of positive and negative , tangible and
intangible .
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
Are responses to someone’s verbal or nonverbal communication
which share an impression of that person’s message in an
open minded, non-evaluative way & which invite a response
from the person.
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
Impression checks provide a way to confirm what you are
thinking about other people without always having to ask a
question.
Let’s suppose that someone has said or done something which
you don’t completely understand. You have some idea of
what the sender might be feeling, wanting, needing, or
thinking, but you are not sure.
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
At this point you may ask him a question or you
may pretend you know what’s going on.
“Asking will clear things up”
Impression checks have to be used with a
curious( فضولي), questioning tone that
communicate your interest and concern.
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
In short: impression check are responses to
someone’s verbal or nonverbal
communication which share an
impression of that person’s message in
open minded, non evaluation way and
which invite a response from the person
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
Clear impression check should do:
- State your impression or inference of another person; that is
what you think individual is thinking, feeling or going to do.
Example : “I get the impression you want sometime to
yourself”.
- Present your impression in open mind way or tentative
way (“I may be wrong”, “It seems that” or “it look as” ).
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
Clear impression check should do:
- Express your impression in non-evaluating way
(not even the tone of your voice should imply that you
are judging or putting down the sender). Ex: It looks
like you really botched the computer program
this time. (should be avoided, evaluation )
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
Clear impression check should do:
- Invite a response using short question or
rising inflection @ the end of your status.
Ex: Questions like: “Are you?”, “Am I right?”
Using Assertion messages
4. Impression check:
- By your frown (عبوس), I get the idea that
Wednesday will not be a good day for us to meet,
right?
- You’re late again, what the hell’s the matter with
you?
- I get the idea that you made another silly mistake.
Using Assertion messages
5. Request statements:
Request are polite statement that directly and
specifically ask someone to modify his
behavior in a way that gets your needs met
and that maintains the quality of the
relationship. (getting people to modify their
behavior is the goal).
Using Assertion messages
5. Request statements:
- May seek permission of others for actions “I
would like to have off on Saturday 18th”
- May ask for help “can you help me understand this
diagram in the service manual?”
- May ask for cooperation from others “lets work
toward a solution of the work schedule to meet all
of our needs”.
Using Assertion messages
5. Request statements:
Parts of request statement:
1. Should be direct: state directly what you need
2. Must be specific: tell others exactly what you are asking them to do.
3. Allow freedom of response: you need to be open minded to realize that people may say ”no” to your request because they are unable to do what you ask.
4. Should be polite and courteous rather than sounding like demands. use “please can make your request more welcomed”.
Using Assertion messages
5. Request statements:
- Please hand me that 7/16- inch socket (specific,
direct and polite). (R)
- Thanks to your late arrival, we could not start the
safety training on time. (not R)
- Would you kindly return the insurance enrollment
forms by Friday this week? (R)
Using Assertion messages
5. Request statements:
- Employee to boss: “you know it’s been
almost a year and a half since I had my last
rise” (not R)
- I’d like you to pick me up for work
tomorrow because my car won’t be
repainted until Wednesday. (R)
Using Assertion messages
Dealing with criticism and responding
nondefensively may be one of the most difficult
and challenging aspects of effective
communication. The natural tendency to
become defensive when we are criticized may
result in negative results as hurt feelings.
Responding to Criticism
Manuel Smith in his book “when I say no, I feel guilty”
suggests three specific communication techniques an
employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:
1- Fogging
2- Negative assertion
3- Negative inquiry
Responding to Criticism
Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively
with criticism:
1- Fogging: Is a technique of calmly acknowledging
unfair criticism without agreeing or disagreeing.
The fogger can make judgment of what to do with
the criticism. (believe it, challenge it ,or discard it)
Responding to Criticism
Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with
criticism: example:
Your boss says to you, “your uniform is a mess” you may
respond by saying “perhaps my uniform is too
messy”. This fogging response shows that you was
listening and acknowledged the criticism without
being defensive.
Responding to Criticism
Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:
2- Negative assertion: Is a technique where you agree with valid
criticism without having to apologize or give excuses. This
has the dual effect of allowing you to acknowledge your
shortcomings and to reduce your critic’s negative feelings.
Negative assertion is based on the assumption that “to err is
human” and the best way to deal with our mistakes is to
strongly agree with criticism.
Responding to Criticism
Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:
2- Negative assertion: Example:
After you offered to pick Jan up from work, you forgot until an hour
later. When you finally arrived, Jan said, “you forgot to pick me
up. I nearly froze my toes off waiting for you.” Rather than
giving excuses it might be best to say, ” I did forget to pick you
up. That is the dumbest thing I’ve done in my life.” This
response agrees with the criticism without offering excuses or
placing blame, it helps us accept our mistakes, learn from them.
Responding to Criticism
Techniques an employee can use to cope effectively with criticism:
3- Negative inquiry: Technique requiring the active questioning of the
critic for specific information about vague criticism. The
assumption behind negative inquiry is that through active
questioning, you can determine if the criticism is valid or unfair.
Your tone of voice should say, “I’m confused, I need more
information.” examples: (what else am I not doing effectively?
What specifically did I ….?)
Responding to Criticism