Chapter Six

Communication: Enriching Your Sexuality

Agenda

Review Importance of Communication Discuss Gender Differences in

Communication Describe Effective Communication Discuss Influence of Communication on

Sexuality

Class Exercise: Sex Instruction

How did you find out about sex? What were you told? What was your reaction? Was the information accurate?

Are you comfortable talking about sexuality? Was you family comfortable discussing the subject?

What did your parents tell you about sex? Were you ever aware of your parents sexual activity?

How would you tell a child about sex? When would you begin to talk to them about sexuality?

How does the way we learn about sex as children influence the way we respond sexually as adults?

Importance of Communication to Human

Sexuality

The Importance of Communication

Good communication is related to happier, more satisfied couples and increases the probability the relationship will last

Communication cultivates emotional intimacy, understanding, love

Relationship problems often due to poor communication, creating anger & frustrationPoor communication skillsLack of self-disclosurePoor listening skills

Variables Associated with Communication

It takes some learning to communicate Research suggests that women and men

communicate differently Types of communication: More than words

Aspects of Communication

Communication with others involves three goals:“get the job done” – send the message“relational goal” – maintain a relationship“identity management goal” – portray our

self image

Class Exercise: College Students’ Communiction about Sexuality

Research suggests that college-aged couples find it easier to “do it” rather than to talk about “doing it”?What are the implications for

contraception?What are the implications for sexual

satisfaction?What are the implications for sexuality

education?

Gender Differences in Communication

Gender Difference in Communication

Conversations with the opposite sex are typically harder than with same sex groups

Genderlects – fundamental differences in how men and women communicateMen see a hierarchical world with need to

maintain status; may interpret comments as challenges to defend; “report-talk”

Women: a relational world to connect in and avoid isolation; “rapport-talk”

Continued …

Gender Difference in Communication

Each believes the other sex interrupts more Men are more likely to interrupt Men tend to speak one at a time, and another

comment is considered an interruptionWhen men interrupt they expect to be the

primary speaker Women use overlapping talk, where another

interjects but does not take over in the conversation

Continued …

Gender Difference in Communication

Women and men differ in their topics of discussion

Male-typical talk: slang, money, business, time, space, quantity, destructive actions, motion, objects, hostile verbs

Female-typical talk: supportive, polite, expressive, home, family, feelings, evaluations, interpretations, psychological states

Continued …

Gender Difference in Communication

Women tend to soften opinionated statements through the use of (not in all cultures):Tag questionsDisclaimersQuestion statementsHedge words

Explanations for Gender Differences in Communication

Biological Psychological Social roles Cross-cultural communication – grow up in

different subcultures and learn different communication rules; begins in same-sex play groups

Cultural orientations, gender, & modes of communication are interconnected

Types of Communication: More Than Words

Nonverbal communication comprises the bulk of our communicationis expressed in various cultural formsadds to verbal communicationCan be less threatening than verbal, but

also more likely to be misunderstood Women are better at deciphering nonverbal

communication, and use more eye contact, head nods, smiles, and touches than men

Types of Communication: More Than Words

Computer mediated communicationWomen are more expressive, use

emoticonsAllows focus on emotional intimacy, rather

than physical attractionOnline intimacy problematic if they become

compulsive in their use of the internetOnline infidelity typically with people happy

in a relationship; due to personality traits

Class Exercise: Overcoming Gender Differences When Discussing Sexuality

Do you think that conversations between men and women are more difficult than same-sex conversations?

Research suggests that when women in a heterosexual relationship process a problem, their partners often try to solve the problem rather than just listen. This seems to create conflict.What can men do to listen better?What can women do to help?

Research suggests that married women are more likely to identify another woman as their best friend while men are more likely to identify their wife as their best friend. What are the implications for intimacy?

Effective Communication

Giving/Receiving Feedback

Communicating More Effectively

Make sure you and your partner have the time and energy to communicate well before you begin a conversation

Limit the use of tag questions, they can indicate uncertainty and be misunderstood

Pay attention to your and your partner’s nonverbal cues

Communicating More Effectively

Self-disclosure deepens intimacy and feelings of love as you share and grow as a coupleIt is critical in a healthy relationshipWomen tend to self-disclose moreToo much disclosure too soon is risky

Asking for what you needMany people are insecure about sexHonesty is essential to avoid unhappiness

Learning to Make Requests

Taking Responsibility for Our Own Pleasure: The best way for us to get our needs met

is to speak up with our requests. Two individuals willing to communicate

their desires and take responsibility for their own pleasure create an excellent framework for effective, fulfilling sexual sharing.

Making Requests SpecificUsing "I" Language

The Fine Art of Listening

Nondefensive listening – without being defensive, focus attention on your partner’s concerns

Active listening – nonverbal communication that assures your partner you are attentiveEye contact, head nods, “um hum”

Know your partner’s buttons and avoid pushing them

The Fine Art of Listening

When your partner is finished, summarize and validate their thoughts

Take caution in interpreting a message that may not be perceived correctly, but altered due to mood state or the state of your relationship with the person

Women listen for details, men listen for the bottom line and/or what action is required to resolve a situation

Enriching Your Sexuality

Constructive CriticismTalking with Your Partner about Sex

I Like You and I Like MyselfWhat Makes a Good Lover?

Delivering Criticism

Be Aware of Your Motivation Choose the Right Time and Place Temper Criticism with Praise Nurture Small Steps Toward Change Avoid "Why" Questions Express Anger Appropriately Limit Criticism to One Complaint per

Discussion

Receiving Criticism

Empathize with Your Partner and Paraphrase the Criticism

Acknowledge a Criticism and Find Something to Agree With

Ask Clarifying Questions Express Your Feelings Focus on Future Changes You Can Make

Talking with Your Partner about Sex

Most couples initiate and consent to sex nonverbally

It is difficult to talk about sex Each person’s desires are unique and need

to be communicated Good lovers know how to communicate and

listen

I Like You and I Like Myself

You need to feel good about yourself in order to be sexually healthy

The media creates the “ideal body” Self-esteem is related to emotional and

mental health Having self-acceptance, autonomy, self-

efficacy, and resilience will aid in maintaining good sexual relationships

What Makes a Good Lover?

Sensitivity to their partner’s needs Able to communicate own desires Patient Caring Confident Keep in mind that men and women can have

different views of the same sexual behaviors and techniques

Class Exercise: “War of the Roses”

How does communication influence intimacy? Identify examples of gender differences in

communication.