60JUNE/JULY 2006

By Erin Quinlan

CHILD.COM

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Not too long ago, kids formed friendships close to home. But now, thanks to aslew of social-networking Web sites aimed at children, they’re bonding acrossborders. At clubpenguin.com, which draws more than 4 million visitors fromaround the globe each month, grade-schoolers—who appear onscreen as ani-

mated birds—mingle in a virtual snowscape. At imbee.com, a mini MySpace, kids ages 8to 14 can post blog entries and swap photos. These and similar sites tout safety featuresdesigned to protect kids from online predators, but do they offer developmental benefits?

“Social networking can enable children to broaden their world perspective, explore theiridentities, and enhance real-life friendships,” says David Bickham, Ph.D., a scientist at theCenter on Media and Child Health at Children’s Hospital Boston. “But it’s important for par-ents to learn how this technology works and encourage children to use it in a healthy way.”

Before your grade-schooler begins to explore a site, click around to ensure its privacycontrols and content are appropriate for his age and developmental level. Siblings under 8might beg for access too, but Dr. Bickham says social networking often bores theseyounger kids. Nancy Willard, a Eugene, OR-based technology consultant and the authorof the new book Cyber-Safe Kids, Cyber-Savvy Teens, says that no matter what your child’sage, look out for sites that contain insidious marketing messages or product placements.“Children can’t effectively distinguish between content and advertising,” she says.

Both experts recommend sitting down alongside your child as she sets up her account.Know her password, and be sure she understands that her full name, address, e-mailaddress, and phone number are to be kept private.

The anonymity of the Web prompts some kids to experiment with bullying and othernegative behavior, says Dr. Bickham, so before your child begins socializing online, teach

Social Sites for Kids

HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN...my child recognizes her reflection? It’ll happen between 16and 21 months, says Richard Gallagher, Ph.D., a psychologist at New York University’s ChildStudy Center in New York City. To find out if your child has reached this milestone, dab blushon her nose and place her before a mirror. If she touches her nose rather than her reflection,she’s aware that it’s her face in the mirror and curious about why she looks different.

SAYING YES TO ‘NO’It’s not easy to set limits. But if children’severy wish were granted, they wouldn’tdevelop the self-regulating skills theyneed, says David Walsh, Ph.D., presidentof the Minneapolis-based NationalInstitute on Media and the Family andauthor of the recent book No: Why

Kids—of All Ages—Need to Hear It and

Ways Parents Can Say It. His advice: ◆ BE CONSISTENT If your rules areforever shifting (you say TV is off-limitsand then pop in a video while makingdinner), your child learns that bound-aries are flexible and will stretch them.◆ KEEP CONSEQUENCES FAIR Kidsare more likely to accept rules when thepenalties for breaking them fit the crime.If your child won’t turn off a video gamewhen asked, prohibit it for a few days. ◆ STAND YOUR GROUND If you denya candy bar at the supermarket andyour child throws a fit, don’t relent.Otherwise, she’ll learn that “no” reallymeans “I need to crank it up a notch.”—Christiane Lavin

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A DAD’S GUIDE TO BONDING WITH KIDSArmin Brott, author of six bestselling parenting books and host of the radio talk showPositive Parenting, has interviewed thousands of moms and dads in the course of hiswork. And over the years, he’s noticed an interesting pattern: When asked to envisionlife with a child, expectant mothers tend to see themselves cradling a newborn, whilefathers-to-be often visualize themselves playing with an older child.

That’s partly what inspired Brott to write his latest book, Fathering Your School-AgeChild: A Dad’s Guide to the Wonder Years—3 to 9. “This is prime time for dads,” hesays. The Oakland, CA-based father of three outlines three ways fathers can strength-en family bonds as their kids leave the nursery years behind:RETHINK YOUR GOALS Around age 40—a milestone many men reach during theirchildren’s school years—fathers begin to confront their own mortality. Says Brott, “Youlook at your children and think, ‘If I die tomorrow, will I have made a difference in theirlives?’” Such thoughts, though unpleasant, can serve as a catalyst for change. “Somefathers decide to spend less time at work; others turn down job transfers,” he says. “Theywant to really know their children, and they want their children to know them.”BEFRIEND OTHER FATHERS Men are just as likely as women to struggle with issuessuch as work/family balance and separation anxiety stemming from a child’s growingindependence. “But we don’t have the social support net-work that many mothers do,” says Brott. “It seems unmanlyto admit, ‘I really miss my kids.’” But research shows that dadswho talk with other fathers about parenting concerns feelmore optimistic about family life.REMAIN INVOLVED “Men tend to equate a feeling of beingloved with being needed,” says Brott, which makes a child’sblossoming self-sufficiency difficult for some dads to handle.Maintain a close connection with your child by volunteering forschool activities and participating in special events such as CareerDay. Brott says a father’s involvement not only fills his child withpride, it can help her perform better in school as well. —E.Q.

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SUPPORT FOR CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDSWhen Denise Brodey’s son was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder (SPD) anddepression at age 4, the best advice she received was from parents of other special-needschildren. Inspired, Brodey collected essays from moms and dads around the country aboutcoping with the challenges and rewards of raising a child with special needs. The New YorkCity mom and editor spoke with Child about the wisdom she garnered as she worked onher new book, The Elephant in the Playroom:

QQ:: How does Elephant in the Playroom compare with books by special-needs experts such as doctors and therapists?

A: Experts’ opinions are certainly important, but there is a side to raising a child withautism, ADHD, depression, or SPD that other parents in the same boat get—andexperts don’t. The stories are meant to be enlightening and to create a sense of com-munity among parents of special-needs children. The book also helps dispel some

him to step away from the computer and alert an adult if he receives an inappropriate orhurtful message. By the same token, make sure that he understands the importance ofkeeping his own communications respectful.

How much time per day should you allow your child to spend on a social-networkingsite? Willard and Dr. Bickham say there are no hard and fast rules, but if your child starts toreplace real-world activities with online communication, it’s time for a break.—Erin Quinlan

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of the crazy myths out there about special-needs kids—like parents today aren’t toughenough on their children or doctors over-diagnose these disorders.

QQ:: Many parents wrote about feeling overwhelmed and guilty for not being betterable to cope. Is this common?

A: Special-needs parents throw themselves into trying to get their lives in order. Theyoften don’t exercise, eat properly, or communicate with their spouses. And their sani-ty goes by the wayside. These stories demonstrate the importance of asking for helpand taking time for other areas of your life. If you don’t allow yourself to recuperate,you’re never going to be able to help anyone.

QQ:: Your book also contains many joyful stories. What advice do you have forstaying focused on the positive?

A: Once parents adjust their expectations and forget what they thought raising a childwas supposed to be like, the joys are tremendous. The harder you struggle to accom-plish something—whether it’s getting your child to take a bath or get on a bus andwave good-bye without crying—the more exciting the victory.

QQ:: What special challenges do doctors and other experts face as they goabout diagnosing and treating special-needs children?

A: These are complicated kids. The solutions aren’t black and white;they’re 8 zillion shades of gray. What works for one child with autismmight not work for another. Every parent becomes an advocate forwhat’s right for his or her child. So you listen to expert advice but oftengo with your gut. I hope this book, with its collective intelligence, willgive parents the confidence to do just that. The more knowledge youhave, the more empowered you are. —C.L.

RAISING A RESPONSIBLE CHILD IN A NATION OF SHIRKERSLast July, filmmaker Mel Gibson unleashed a drunken anti-Semitic tirade at Los Angelespolice officers but later explained it wasn’t him talking—it was the booze. Earlier thisyear, a Michigan woman fired gunshots at a nearby truck and said the other driver wasat fault—because he had been tailgating her. Americans seem skilled at concoctingexcuses and shifting the blame. What message is this sending our children?

“If adults are forever shirking responsibility and convincing themselves mistakesaren’t really mistakes, children will pick up on that and assume that’s the way they’resupposed to be,” says Elliot Aronson, Ph.D., a professor emeritus of psychology at theUniversity of California in Santa Cruz and co-author of the new book Mistakes Were

Made (But Not By Me). But there are things you can do at home to counter society’smessage, says Dr. Aronson, who offers these strategies for raising a responsible child:EMBRACE YOUR BLUNDERS If you make a mistake like forgetting to pay a bill, don’tmake excuses. Instead, own up to it (“I should’ve kept better track of our finances; thiswill teach me to be more organized”) and pay the late fee. This will show your child thatit’s okay to be open about mistakes and that he can face his own with a positive attitude.ENCOURAGE ACCOUNTABILITY If your child takes a toy from school and tries torationalize her misdeed (“But no one plays with this puppet”), help her understand whythe action was wrong (“That might be true, but the puppet doesn’t belong to you”).Follow up with a reasonable consequence, such as asking her to apologize to her teacher.END WITH FORGIVENESS If you harp on your child’s mistakes or overreact withharsh punishments, he’ll have a fear of failure and be reluctant to take responsibilityin the future, says Dr. Aronson. Even if you’re angry and have had to enforce a conse-quence, make sure he knows that you haven’t stopped loving him (“I’m really proudof you for coming forward and telling me about the broken lamp”), an approach thatoffers children an important lesson. Says Dr. Aronson: “Most of the time, when aperson owns up to a mistake, he’ll be forgiven.” —Dana Lerner

Can kids benefit fromteacher merit

pay? Share yourviews on the Reading& School Successmessage board atwww.child.com/community.

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000MONTH 2006CHILD.COM JUNE/JULY 2007

When’s the last time you talked aboutmasturbation with your friends orspouse? If you’re like many Americanadults, the answer is “never.” Thetaboo surrounding masturbation car-ries over into family life as well, leavingmany parents unsure about the bestway to respond when children exhibitsigns of sexual self-stimulation.

In a previous issue, we asked whatyou would do if you noticed your 2-year-old touching her genitals onenight while watching TV. Here’s whatyou told us on child.com:

Forty-five percent of you would tellher touching herself is something sheshouldn’t do in front of others. “I’d nev-er want my kids to be ashamed of theirbodies, but I do need to teach themmanners,” says Deborah Carpenter.

Thirty-seven percent of you woulddistract your child with a game oranother activity. “My 2-year-old can’tbe reasoned with at this point,” saysLisa Williams. Kathy on Long Island, NY,agrees: “My 3 1/2-year-old son recentlybegan touching himself, and he under-stands when we tell him this is some-thing he can do in private. But I don’tthink that saying this when he was 2would have meant anything at all.”

Eighteen percent of you wouldignore the behavior to prevent yourchild from feeling self-conscious orguilty. Rachel Papa went with thisapproach after trying in vain to discussmasturbation with her daughter. “Iasked what she was doing and she juststared at me blankly,” she says.

THE PRO’S POINT OF VIEWIt’s absolutely normal for kids—ininfancy and throughout childhood—toplay with their genitals, says MarkSchuster, M.D., Ph.D., a pediatricsprofessor at the University ofCalifornia in Los Angeles and healthpolicy researcher at the Santa Monica,CA-based nonprofit institute RAND.“Many kids do it absentmindedly,”

says Dr. Schuter, who is also a co-author of Everything You Never Wanted

Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were

Afraid They’d Ask). “It might happenwhen a child is nervous; other childrenjust find it calming or soothing.”

Some readers expressed concernthat self-stimulation could be a signthat a young child has been molested,but Dr. Schuster says that in mostcases there’s no reason to jump toconclusions. “Kids discover masturba-tion on their own,” he says.

If you notice your 2-year-old touch-ing her genitals while at home, Dr.Schuster says the best approach issimply to ignore it. When a child is 3or 4 and better understands socialnorms, it’s okay to gently steer hertoward polite behavior (“I know itfeels good, but this is the kind oftouching that you do in a privateplace, like your bedroom”). Even with-out guidance, most kids will develop asense of modesty on their own—forboys, usually between ages 5 and 8; forgirls, between 4 and 6. But if at anyage your child can’t be dissuaded fromtouching her genitals, meet with yourpediatrician to pinpoint the reasons,which can range from anxiety topower struggles. If you’re in public, Dr.Schuster says it’s harmless to distracther with another activity. There’s noneed to address her behavior directly;just move on to something else.

No matter where your young child’sself-stimulating behavior occurs, Dr.Schuster warns against brushing awayher hand or scolding her. For onething, she’s almost certain to continuetouching herself anyway. For another,a negative response could make herfeel ashamed about something that’sentirely normal and she may becomereticent about discussing sex-relatedissues in general, he says. “It’s betterto have an open dialogue and be natu-ral about sex at all stages of a child’sdevelopment.” —E.Q.

Readers Weigh In: Body Curiosity

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000MONTH 2006 CHILD.COM JUNE/JULY 2007

B e h a v i o r & D e v e l o p m e n t

Summer is atime whenheavy clothing isstowed away—and body-imageissues often surface. Evenyoung childrencan develop

serious appearance concerns, saysKatharine Phillips, M.D., a professor ofpsychiatry and human behavior at ButlerHospital and Brown Medical School inProvidence and an expert in body dys-morphic disorder (BDD). Here, sheexplains how to identify and discouragean unhealthy preoccupation with looks.

Q: We’ve heard a lot about howunrealistically proportioned dolls

and airbrushed media images can nega-tively affect girls’ body image. Is thesame true for boys?A: Body image dissatisfaction is slightlymore common in girls than boys. But itdoes appear to have increased amongboys in the last 20 or 30 years. It's quitepossible that societal forces are fuelingthese concerns. For example, early GIJoes from the 1960s look like an averageman, but they've been getting more andmore muscular over the years.

Q: How can you tell when normalconcerns about appearance have

turned into a condition like BDD?A: People with BDD think about theirappearance an average of three to eighthours a day. It typically has a gradualonset—dissatisfaction grows until it crossesthe line. As a result, BDD interferes withdaily functioning; a child may not want to goto school because she thinks she looks ugly.It’s not a rare disorder; there are between3 and 6 million sufferers in the U.S. alone.About 70% of BDD sufferers develop thedisorder before age 18. I treated a 5-year-old boy who was put into a psychiatric hos-pital; it turned out he was distressed overhis hair, teeth, and stomach. He keptcrouching and looking at himself in chromesurfaces. And I’ve talked to adolescentswho remember refusing to go to nursery

school or thinking their eyes were so uglythat they hid behind their mother’s skirt.

Q: What puts a child at risk for acondition like BDD?

A: We think it’s a combination of a genet-ic predisposition and life experiences;being teased a lot is one risk factor. Also,people with BDD are more likely to havean eating disorder than those without, andin turn, people with an eating disordermay have an increased risk for BDD.More research is needed, however.

Q: What treatments are availablefor the illness?

A: BDD is a very treatable disorder.Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors(SSRIs) like Prozac help stop obsessive pre-occupation, but their use needs to beclosely monitored by doctors. Cognitivebehavioral therapy can be helpful. It focus-es on changing one’s thinking, which helpspatients cut down on things like mirror-checking and avoiding people.

Q: How can parents in general fostera positive body image?

A: Don’t talk about how you feel fat ormake derogatory remarks about others’looks. Don’t tease your child about appear-ance; even comments like “Your hair issticking up!” can be wounding. If you thinkyour child has a concern, ask about itinstead of trying to talk her out of it:Consider saying something like, "Sammy,I've noticed you seem really upset abouthow your hair looks and you’re spending alot of time looking in the mirror. Can wetalk about it? I'd like to help you with it."

And don’t assume it’s a phase; it’s notnormal for a child to avoid playing withfriends because she doesn’t like the wayshe looks or to stand in front of a mirrorand cry. Finally, encourage kids to not buyinto unrealistic media images. Explain thatthey’re airbrushed and contrived; little boyscan’t begin to look like action figures, andgirls don’t need to have a body mass indexof 16 because models do. It’s important toconvey that there are many more impor-tant parts to a person than appearance—like personality, hobbies, and the ability toget along with friends. —Kelley Heyworth

BODY-IMAGE BLUES

KATHARINE PHILLIPS

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