Children Living in Blended Children Living in Blended FamiliesFamilies

Presented by Jennifer GarciaPresented by Jennifer Garcia

The NormThe NormMore and more, blended families are becoming More and more, blended families are becoming the normthe norm

50% of the children in the U.S. are being raised in 50% of the children in the U.S. are being raised in blended families blended families (http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-(http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-families.htm)families.htm)

1,300 new stepfamilies are formed every day. 1,300 new stepfamilies are formed every day. (Gillespie, http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/(Gillespie, http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Backgroundarticles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info)%20Info)

By 2010, it is predicted there will be more By 2010, it is predicted there will be more stepfamilies than any other type of family stepfamilies than any other type of family (Gillespie, (Gillespie, http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Backgroundtwi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info2005)%20Info2005)

At least one third of the children living in the U.S. At least one third of the children living in the U.S. are expected to live in a blended family before are expected to live in a blended family before the age of 18 the age of 18 (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm)(http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm)

Risk FactorsRisk FactorsThere is little that is There is little that is

simple in any simple in any stepfamily situation. stepfamily situation. One thing for sure, One thing for sure, blended families blended families suggest no fairytale suggest no fairytale (shows like the Brady (shows like the Brady Bunch give a false Bunch give a false sense of security). sense of security).

Blended children are at Blended children are at greater risk of living in greater risk of living in high conflict homeshigh conflict homes (http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-(http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htm)blended-families.htm)

Over 50% of Over 50% of second/third marriages second/third marriages that end in divorce are that end in divorce are caused by the childrencaused by the children (http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html)(http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html)

The Grieving ChildThe Grieving Child

Children in blended families are grieving, Children in blended families are grieving, and more often not mature enough to and more often not mature enough to explain their unhappiness. Keep in mind explain their unhappiness. Keep in mind they have lost a biological parent and they have lost a biological parent and have to move from an environment they have to move from an environment they were used to, (i.e., school, friends, church, were used to, (i.e., school, friends, church, neighbors...). This stress can be neighbors...). This stress can be overwhelming.overwhelming.

They feel unwanted by a stepparent They feel unwanted by a stepparent Feel alienated in the new familyFeel alienated in the new family Torn by tension between biological parentsTorn by tension between biological parents Discomfort around the holidays and major Discomfort around the holidays and major

eventsevents Feel instant competition between Feel instant competition between

stepchildren and new parent figurestepchildren and new parent figure

Your Child’s NeedYour Child’s Need

Children need permissions to mourn their loss Children need permissions to mourn their loss before embracing a new family system. Failure before embracing a new family system. Failure to accept these feeling may lead to angry to accept these feeling may lead to angry outbursts.outbursts.

Children need guidance, instruction, training, Children need guidance, instruction, training, choices, consequences, and supervision.choices, consequences, and supervision.

It is important that the child see the family as It is important that the child see the family as a unit, not as separate individuals who a unit, not as separate individuals who disagree.disagree.

Parents can provide the way for bringing unity Parents can provide the way for bringing unity into their blended family, without threatening into their blended family, without threatening original bonds.original bonds.

Guilt of ParentsGuilt of ParentsGuilt is not an uncommon Guilt is not an uncommon feeling in divorcing parents. feeling in divorcing parents. Most parents want to do well Most parents want to do well by their children. They often by their children. They often experience anxiety about the experience anxiety about the repercussions the divorce repercussions the divorce may have on their children.may have on their children.

Some stepparents want to be Some stepparents want to be seen as the “good guy.” They seen as the “good guy.” They want to be lenient with want to be lenient with discipline.discipline.

The birthparent’s can be The birthparent’s can be defensive with his/her defensive with his/her spouse’s view. The birth spouse’s view. The birth parent can be blinded to parent can be blinded to certain parts of parenting, certain parts of parenting, especially when he/she is especially when he/she is dealing with underlying guilt dealing with underlying guilt over a broken original over a broken original marriage.marriage.

The transition for children from The transition for children from being the center of attention being the center of attention by the guilty divorced parents by the guilty divorced parents to having to conform to set to having to conform to set rules by the new step-parent rules by the new step-parent does not go over well.does not go over well.

Respect, Cooperation, and Respect, Cooperation, and PatiencePatience

No marriage ceremony makes No marriage ceremony makes a new family. An immediate a new family. An immediate loving situation is not going loving situation is not going to develop overnight. to develop overnight.

The children need to know The children need to know that, although love is not that, although love is not necessary, respect and necessary, respect and cooperation is expected. cooperation is expected.

Patience is the key to building Patience is the key to building new relationships. It will take new relationships. It will take time to build your new family, time to build your new family, and keep in mind, it will and keep in mind, it will probably never equal the first probably never equal the first original family. original family.

Bottom line is if the family is Bottom line is if the family is going to stay together, going to stay together, cooperation is needed. cooperation is needed.

Arrival of the New ParentArrival of the New ParentThe arrival of a new parent can The arrival of a new parent can cause tension, prompt conflicts and cause tension, prompt conflicts and doubts about the child’s role in the doubts about the child’s role in the family.family. Some children will test the Some children will test the

relationship between their relationship between their biological parent and their biological parent and their stepparent.stepparent.

They will break rules and They will break rules and challenge parentschallenge parents

Recognize that the stepchildren are Recognize that the stepchildren are not yours and never will be. You not yours and never will be. You are are notnot replacement parents. replacement parents. The children need to know that The children need to know that

the new spouse is not a the new spouse is not a potential father or mother.potential father or mother.

Although stepparents, you Although stepparents, you hold a vital and important role hold a vital and important role in the dynamics of the new in the dynamics of the new family.family.

Providing StructureProviding Structure

Roles in step-families are Roles in step-families are not clear. Children need to not clear. Children need to learn/adjust to...learn/adjust to...

New rules and routines of New rules and routines of two different households.two different households.

Learn how to respond to a Learn how to respond to a new father-like or mother-new father-like or mother-like figure, sometimes in like figure, sometimes in two different householdtwo different household

Set clear expectations and Set clear expectations and consequences. Describe what consequences. Describe what is expected of them and tell is expected of them and tell them about the good and bad them about the good and bad consequences of their consequences of their actions. Remind your children actions. Remind your children that they make the choice for that they make the choice for appropriate and inappropriate appropriate and inappropriate behavior.behavior.

Establishing RootsEstablishing RootsContinuality is especially important to children of blended families. Continuality is especially important to children of blended families. Children need to have a sense of connection to their new familyChildren need to have a sense of connection to their new family

Show them a family treeShow them a family tree – knowing where the new family – knowing where the new family comes from and understanding that they have a special comes from and understanding that they have a special personality helps your child develop a personal identity. personality helps your child develop a personal identity.

Show picturesShow pictures – familiarize your children with the new parent’s – familiarize your children with the new parent’s family in order to make that more real.family in order to make that more real.

Tell storiesTell stories – describe special events that you can share to help – describe special events that you can share to help them gain a sense of pride.them gain a sense of pride.

Establish new traditions. The new family has not shared history. Establish new traditions. The new family has not shared history. Although honoring some existing rituals, look for uniqueness in Although honoring some existing rituals, look for uniqueness in your new familyyour new family

Identifying StrengthsIdentifying Strengths

Every member has a unique quality in the family. Do not expect the Every member has a unique quality in the family. Do not expect the blended family to function as the natural family. Recognize that the blended family to function as the natural family. Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not function as the natural family. The stepfamily will not and can not function as the natural family. The blended family has its own unique qualities. Once learned, these blended family has its own unique qualities. Once learned, these aspects can become positive. A sense of ownership to the new family aspects can become positive. A sense of ownership to the new family will be gained.will be gained.

Identify everyone’s strengthsIdentify everyone’s strengths Ask each member of the family to use their skills to benefit the Ask each member of the family to use their skills to benefit the

familyfamily Make your step-child feel just as important as a natural child. Your Make your step-child feel just as important as a natural child. Your

stepchildren will know when you are playing favoritism. When the stepchildren will know when you are playing favoritism. When the interest of the stepchildren, or spouse, are found down the list, interest of the stepchildren, or spouse, are found down the list, this is a formula for disaster.this is a formula for disaster.

ConsistencyConsistency

Strong commitment during tough times is a must for parents. It Strong commitment during tough times is a must for parents. It may be tempting to try to please your child, but freedom may may be tempting to try to please your child, but freedom may not be what your child may need at the time. It’s a balancing act not be what your child may need at the time. It’s a balancing act for the birth parent. for the birth parent.

Stick to your guns – do what you said you would do. Follow Stick to your guns – do what you said you would do. Follow through. Explain to your children that you love them enough to through. Explain to your children that you love them enough to set boundaries and hold them to those boundaries.set boundaries and hold them to those boundaries.

Discuss rules and consequences of inappropriate behavior.Discuss rules and consequences of inappropriate behavior.

Establish a unified parent approach that is evenly applied to Establish a unified parent approach that is evenly applied to everyone.everyone.

Creating a Marital BondCreating a Marital Bond

Don’t forget your marriage. Make time for each other. Don’t forget your marriage. Make time for each other. Having a strong marriage will help your blended family.Having a strong marriage will help your blended family.

New married couples do not have the usual first few New married couples do not have the usual first few months to bond. Instead, they are more consumed with months to bond. Instead, they are more consumed with their own children than with each other.their own children than with each other.

It is important for the couple to build a bond. Couples It is important for the couple to build a bond. Couples should set aside time for each other. This will ultimately should set aside time for each other. This will ultimately benefit in creating stability. benefit in creating stability.

Age FactorsAge Factors

Parents need to Parents need to understand basic child understand basic child development so not to development so not to mistake normal behavior mistake normal behavior as inappropriateas inappropriate

Children under 10 years find Children under 10 years find adjustment easier. The forces adjustment easier. The forces that draw the stepfamily that draw the stepfamily together coincide with the child’s together coincide with the child’s needs. Younger children are needs. Younger children are typically more accepting. typically more accepting. Nevertheless, they are quick to Nevertheless, they are quick to feel a sense of abandonment and feel a sense of abandonment and competition if they feel competition if they feel threatened.threatened.

Adolescents (10 -14) – have the Adolescents (10 -14) – have the most difficult time adjusting. most difficult time adjusting. Stepparents need to be Stepparents need to be sensitive to needs before sensitive to needs before playing the role of disciplinarian.playing the role of disciplinarian.

Teens (15 or older) – need less Teens (15 or older) – need less parenting. Older children prefer parenting. Older children prefer to separate form the family to to separate form the family to form their own identity; they are form their own identity; they are less interested in bonding. less interested in bonding. Nevertheless, they are more Nevertheless, they are more sensitive to the expression of sensitive to the expression of affection and sexuality in the affection and sexuality in the family.family.

SupportSupportDon’t hesitate to ask for help. Studies show that children Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Studies show that children in blended families are less resilient in stressful situations. in blended families are less resilient in stressful situations. They face higher risk of emotional and behavior problems.They face higher risk of emotional and behavior problems.

Recognize underlying issues that need to be taken care of Recognize underlying issues that need to be taken care of (i.e., guilt from the break up of the original marriage or (i.e., guilt from the break up of the original marriage or fear of abandonment).fear of abandonment).

Call on grandparents, clergy, and support groups to help Call on grandparents, clergy, and support groups to help with adjustments.with adjustments.

Although most parents are able to resolve their own Although most parents are able to resolve their own problems, don’t try to tough it out on your own. Seek help.problems, don’t try to tough it out on your own. Seek help.

Compromise and AgreementsCompromise and AgreementsSo many blended families constantly disagree on child rearing issues.So many blended families constantly disagree on child rearing issues.

Each side of these families come with their own established Each side of these families come with their own established norms, traditions, and rules. You must parent your child and at norms, traditions, and rules. You must parent your child and at the same time communicate effectively with your spouse.the same time communicate effectively with your spouse.

Set ground rulesSet ground rules Do not make threats or correct each other when you negotiate. Do not make threats or correct each other when you negotiate.

Spend time thinking about both perspectivesSpend time thinking about both perspectives If you reach an impasse, stop and discuss the issues in private. If you reach an impasse, stop and discuss the issues in private.

Children do not need to know who was for or against an issue. Children do not need to know who was for or against an issue. Don’t leave room for them to play one against the other.Don’t leave room for them to play one against the other.

Choose the solution that appeals the most to both of youChoose the solution that appeals the most to both of you The adults must agree in advance about discipline, rules, and the The adults must agree in advance about discipline, rules, and the

consequences of unacceptable behaviorconsequences of unacceptable behavior Explain the rules to the childrenExplain the rules to the children Each adult must support the otherEach adult must support the other Never make any decisions without your partner’s consent Never make any decisions without your partner’s consent Hold family meetings. Give each member a chance to express Hold family meetings. Give each member a chance to express

their opinion on rulestheir opinion on rules

Respect for Prior SpouseRespect for Prior Spouse It not a good idea to speak It not a good idea to speak

negatively about ex-spouses. negatively about ex-spouses. This undermines a child’s love This undermines a child’s love for his/her parent and can for his/her parent and can effect their self-esteem or put effect their self-esteem or put them in a position of them in a position of defending their parent, as defending their parent, as well as, undermines the well as, undermines the authority of your prior spouse.authority of your prior spouse.

Handle prior spouse Handle prior spouse responsibly – there are no ex-responsibly – there are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses.parents, only ex-spouses.

Respect former spouses Respect former spouses parenting. Make sure your parenting. Make sure your child spends quality time with child spends quality time with him/herhim/her

Avoid conflicts when children Avoid conflicts when children are presentare present

AdviceAdvice Don’t come on too strong. Don’t push your children in Don’t come on too strong. Don’t push your children in

creating bonds. Give them time for it to happen naturally.creating bonds. Give them time for it to happen naturally. Don’t expect you stepchildren to call you mom/dad. Let Don’t expect you stepchildren to call you mom/dad. Let

them select a name they feel comfortable with.them select a name they feel comfortable with. Recognize you are not perfect. Be open to changes and Recognize you are not perfect. Be open to changes and

don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes. Be honest without don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes. Be honest without being defensive.being defensive.

Reassure children that divorce/death was not their fault. Reassure children that divorce/death was not their fault. Invite questionsInvite questions

Set aside time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time alone with each child and stepchild. Connect one-on-one to each. This will help establish a Connect one-on-one to each. This will help establish a sense of belonging.sense of belonging.

ReferencesReferences Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life.

(n.d.). (n.d.). Research and Statistics Affecting Blended Families. Research and Statistics Affecting Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, Retrieved June 23, 2005 2005 from http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-from http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-

families.htm.families.htm.

Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. (n.d.). (n.d.). The The ABC’s for Blended Families. ABC’s for Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from Retrieved June 23, 2005 from

http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htmhttp://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htm

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Deal, R.L. (2004). Blended Families. Deal, R.L. (2004). Blended Families. When Your’re the Stepparent. When Your’re the Stepparent. Retrieved Retrieved June 24, June 24, 2005 from 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/docuhttp://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/docu

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ReferencesReferencesDeal, R.L. (2003). Blended Families. Is Remarriage a Step in the Right

Direction? Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwi

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Gillespie, N.N. (2004). Blended Families. Portraits of a Stepfamily. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw

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Gillespie, N.N. (2003). Blended Families. Disciplining as a Team. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw

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ReferenciesReferenciesHarley PhD., W.F. (2005). How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html.

Helpguide 2005, Expert, Non-Commercial Information on Mental Health & Lifelong Wellness (n.d.). Blended Families/Stepfamilies. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

McChristie, P. (2005). Blended Family Becomes the Normal Family. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended- family/blended-family-normal.htm

Ross, E. (2003). Discipline in the Blended Family. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from http://www.momsvoice.com/pages/articles/discipline_families.html

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Suite University. (2005). Blended Families– Agreeing to Joint Parenting. Retrieved June 25, 2005 from http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/blended_families/56250

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