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may2009l i f e p o s i t i v e46

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Have you ever experienced deep, intense,emotionally warm relationships? Evenon reaching adulthood? The answer for most

people is a sad but resounding no.

Does the heart freeze after a certain age?

Do we lose our ability to connect, trust and

have intimate relationships?To begin with, what does intimacy mean?

For some it is a wordless understanding.

The ability to sit quietly without having to

explain or talk; a comfortable silence, where

a twitch of a facial muscle or a raised eye-

brow will speak volumes. Aditi Mehta, a

recent postgraduate from London School of

Economics, puts it very simply, as the free-

dom to be, sans the fear of being judged.

A friend from the education fraternity,

Shouquot Hussain, explores it deeply: It

means putting my head on my wifes bosom

and finding solace there, conversations in bedafter making love, brewing and having tea

together thereafter in the middle of the night,

discussing our other relationships, sharing

dreams (hazaron khwaishen), making up

after a fight, exchanging anecdotes. The defi-

nitions differ but what is common is comfort

why do we find it hard to make friends as we grow older?

and what is the cost of this emotional atrophy?

by Harvinder Kaur

Olderandcolder?

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may2009l i f e p o s i t i v e 47

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characterised by unguarded intensity.

Emotional closeness or intimacy seems not

only a blessing but also a deep human need

to connect, to understand, to share. Why then

do we dry up as we age what happens to

our ability to lose ourselves to the wind, to

go on a roller-coaster ride, to sing and dance?

A deep dive into ones own heart gives such

treasures, yet we sit at the edge and paddle

our feet. Why not jump?

No time to stand and stare

A reason that most cite is lack of time! There

is no time to address matters of the heart.

People opt for a comfortable circle of friends,

ideas, paths and then live in it. The fluidity,

the exploration, the wonder of an ever-evolv-

ing mind is lost. This cemented approach

holds the heart back.

How you treat your own heart is a choice

we all make. If you make the time and space

to cultivate sensitivity, to weed out the

choking superfluities and make space for

the flowers of closeness, then chances are

that something will bloom. Making timefor introspection, sharing, and developing

sensitivity is important, as this creates the

inner atmosphere and space. It is simple but

significant to understand that you need to be

sensitive to experience closeness with another

human being. If you simply dont have the

capacity to be sensitive to the beauty around

you, it is unlikely you will be alive to the beats

of another persons heart. Finding time for

ones self, where you can nourish your heart

and mind is a necessity. Unfortunately, we

realise it when it is often too late to do any-thing about it.

The perpetual complaint about not hav-

ing time to stand and stare, takes its toll

on the heart. The hunger of the heart is

seldom understood, and almost never satis-

fied. Awareness of ones emotional needs is

the beginning. Otherwise, it does not take

long for the well of the heart to dry up and

we wait for the blessed rain from heaven to

fall! Life must not be lost in merely mundane

livelihood.

Through tinted glasses

This might hurt but sometimes peo-

ple dont get close to anyone because

of their own fears, which are often

unfounded. Believe that the world

is good and youll get goodness. An

unhealthy prejudice can develop

from a bad experience or a negative

outlook in life. If all your life you have

been taught to watch out for cheats,

you may also miss your treasure.

The world is largely good. People usually

care and want to love. Accept it. If you wear

armour all the time, you will attract an arrow

or two not a hug! I have often seen people

living in self-created hells. If you are not close

to anyone it is worth asking why?

Once in a while, its worth taking off your

spectacles to see just how tinted they are. Aperception problem can prevent you from

living a full life. An overcautious or suspi-

cious approach can deprive you of the sweet

joys of life. One needs to constantly ask one-

self where ones fear comes from reality or

imagination. More often than not, it is found-

ed on fears which have no real grounding. If

one has to suffer or be deprived, it should be

for real reasons, not imagined ones!

Daring to love

The ability to be close or intimate with anotherperson goes hand in hand with openness and

also vulnerability. After a certain age, many of

us weave a safe but cold cocoon around us. It

is not uncommon to find examples of those

who have been once bitten and are now twice

shy. Many tell me they have been betrayed.

The secret

in life is

to learn to

weather

storms. To

know that

the ocean

has gems

even as

it has its

share of

sharks



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This species has a number of reasons never

to risk having a friendship. People are cun-

ning, selfish, you dont know whom you can

trust, you can never find a friend in your

workplace especially, they are just colleagues,

they rant. The heart seems to be locked up

in a safe not to be opened in your work-

place where you spend most of your work-

ing life! Its strange, but Ive made the closest

of friends after the age of 25 and that

too in the places where Ive worked.

Maybe because I had never learnt

to be overcautious. Of course, theres

the other side, when predators pounce

on vulnerable prey a risk youll

have to take.

Close and intense relationships are

emotionally risky, and sometimes you

get hurt. Those who have plunged and

have shared a close relationship with

anyone at any point in life may well

have also known what it means to be left

sailing alone, or worse, dashed against a

cliff, to fall off and collect splinters of a

broken heart, to be terribly mangled.It is rare that we can go through life with-

out heartbreak. Not everyone you meet or

even befriend will be loyal to you or love

you throughout life. Relationships change.

Sometimes they evolve into something

else, and sometimes they just dissolve. The

slings and arrows of life pierce through

the toughest armour at some point in life.

The question at hand is is that reason to

stop loving? What happens if we make that

choice? In many, if not most cases, we put

on a persona a pleasant, decent exterior,never lifting the veil from the throbbing core,

which is not all white, not all black. We create

barriers so nothing shoots through and more

heartbreak is avoided. Theres a catch though

the closed doors also keep intimacy away.

But the secret in life is to learn to weather

storms. To know that the ocean has gems

even as it has its share of sharks. The drops

of ecstasy are for those who are ready to let

go of their umbrellas! Dare to be vulnerable!

The cunning cannot be intimate. You need

to bare the heart, let it melt and pour it into

anothers. Accept that you may be hurt but

live in hope that there is more goodness and

love than pain and victimisation. The hearts

fountain will overflow with love.

Like everything else in life, closeness of the

heart comes at a price. Yet the treasures of

intimacy are much too much to be missed.

Disappointment and heartbreak must not

be met with bitterness or severe emotion-

al distress, but understanding. Awareness

and acceptance help us to consciously

dissolve the heartbreak. To be aware of

ones emotional needs and capacity is the

first step. Understanding and being able to

let go of hurt are the subsequent steps,

ultimately liberating us from permanent

emotional damage, and enabling us to

bounce back quickly.

Emotional independence

Although the ability to be emotionally close

to another human being speaks of a clean

and open heart theres a catch. Intimate

relationships can be a roller-coaster ride with

highs and lows, and can be addictive. If you

dont watch yourself, it is easy to become a

slave of another person, emotionally. Jiddu

Krishnamurti, the philosopher who spoke

of the pathless path, says, This belonging

to another, being psychologically nourished

by another, depending on another inall this there must always be anxiety, fear,

jealousy, guilt. So long as there is fear there

is no love; a mind ridden with sorrow

will never know what love is; sentimentality

and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever

to do with love.

If you wear

armour all

the time,

you will

attract an

arrow or

two

not a hug!



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Even as we experience the bliss and blessing

of sharing ones heart and life, it is important

to be aware of ones capacity to be emotion-

ally independent. Relationships plough the

heart and bring to surface whats deep inside.

We need to see if we are complete within. A

healthy closeness is devoid of paranoid pos-

sessiveness, or a pathological dependence.

Nobody loves a leech, one who derives

emotional succour from your hearts blood.

Paradoxically, it is ones ability to be emo-

tionally independent that makes one capable

of closeness. Otherwise, an eroding posses-

siveness sets in, and dark forces take over. A

spiritual life teaches one to be independent

and detached. This is not to be confused with

being cold or indifferent. It means you know

how to be happy when you are alone, and

how to be happy when you are with someone

else. So, somewhere we need to learn to be

intimate with our own selves. Ultimately, the

relationship that matters the most is the one

that you have with yourself. Without finding

warmth within, we are unlikely to find it in

another. Of course, we can delude ourselvesfor a period of time.

Beyond intimacy

Can we ever rise above the need for human

intimacy? Can we ever reach an emotional

plateau? Who wants to! one friend tells

me. But Bharti Mehta (who runs the web-

site www.mindfiesta.com), shares a different

thought, In spite of having been so close to

my dad, my husband, and having had other

intimate relationships, I feel a gnawing hun-

ger in my heart. Something is missing. Itsnot that I am missing being with somebody.

Its a kind of spiritual void wherein I long

for someone to reach the core of my being.

Its as if I am yearning to be discovered for

what I really am.

Looking deep into my own heart, difficult as

it is, I have to confess that the burning inten-

sity that characterised some relationships in

my 20s has changed colour. At the same time,

I have to add there is greater peace in life, a

quiet contentment, sweet solitude, no hunger,

and no ache. I work with passion but can walk

away without looking back. I have had the rare

blessing of having true and intimate friends,

though they are not physically with me and

are scattered all over, yet it doesnt wrench the

heart. It would be, however, a joy to have them

around! I find that people are not able to break

my heart so easily. My heart yet knows how

to ripple in joy and to be moved in empathy,

sometimes until I choke. Often, I have felt

causeless ripples of joy whose source I can-

not trace. It almost seems there is a fountain

within and sometimes whoosh! You are

drenched with inexplicable joy. Where does it

come from? I dont know, but it doesnt seem

to come from a relationship with another per-

son. Im not fully aware if this movement to

just be and not be in a relationship is a ploy of

the mind to save itself from being shown the

mirror! The line between dare not and neednot is sometimes treacherously thin.

Ultimately, relationships with others reflect

and bring to the surface what is within, often

surprising us about our own capacity to expe-

rience certain emotions negative or positive.

As we journey through life, what we need to be

aware of is our own inner world. This can be

a transforming experience. Between the pen-

dulum swings of cold indifference where the

heart is incapable of warmth and a desperate

and obsessive clinging, is the golden space of a

quiet and deep understanding. This is wherelife-giving warmth glows, which will hold ones

own heart and that of others tenderly and sen-

sitively without clutching. Educator, writer, poet, but above all a seeker, Harvinder Kaur

is currently the head of an international school in Mumbai.

Contact: [email protected]

We welcome your comments and suggestions on this article.

Mail us at [email protected]

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