Communicate to Influence - dsc.org.uk · © Directory of Social Change 2016 [email protected] 07967 027304 Persuasion and Influence So, it’s all just about getting what you want?

© Directory of Social Change 2016 [email protected] 07967 027304

Communicate to Influence

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Assumptions & working above them Assumptions we make

• Race

• Nationality

• Religion

• Political affiliation

• What you don’t say

• Where you live

• Position at work

• Where you work

• Qualifications

• Where you study

• Sexual orientation

• Family/children

• Single/married

• Friends

• Experience

• Music & interests

• How others perceive the person

• Reputation

• Appearance

• Gender

• Clothes

• Hair & make-up

• Weight

• Age

• Facial expressions

• Body language

• Tone of voice

• Accent

• Feelings/mood

• Hobbies

• Confidence/networking

• Beliefs

• Background

• Ethnicity

• Disability

Strategies to overcome these assumptions

• Be aware of making assumptions

• Accept you are making assumptions

• Challenge your assumptions

• Check before acting on it

• Change your reaction

• Understand your reaction is only one possibility

• Ignore your assumptions, give space

• Act professionally

• Observe other people successful encounters

and learn their winning strategies

• Have an open mind

• Don’t make mind up on first impressions

• Listen actively

• Don’t stereotype

• Be aware people will behave diff in diff

situations – as you do

• Don’t look with favour because they are like

you – or vice versa

• Be influenced by positive as well as negative

• Be non judgemental

• Do not jump to conclusion

• Take note of your situation, that you are

responding from your own perception

• Understand that what you value might be

similar to what someone else values, but the

way you show it might be different

• Ask Questions



Communication style test explanations

• Indirect

• People oriented

• Feeling

• Direct

• Task oriented

• Thinking

• Optmistic

• Extraverted

• Pessimistic

• Introverted

Look for result

Motivated by challenge

What

Look for data

Motivated by procedures

Why

Who

Motivated by experience

Look for fun/experience

How

Motivated by appreciation

Look for trust/security

Characteristics o Fun

o Enthusiastic o Optimistic

o Unstructured o Can be mischievous

o Forms opinions from feelings o People-oriented

Possible approaches

o Use humour o Talk about feelings

o Be passionate o Focus on the positive

o Explain the why o Don’t take topic too seriously

Characteristics o Nice o Can be slow to change o Avoids confrontation and conflict o Wants harmony o Likes to know motivations o Intuitive Possible approaches o Take interest in them as people o Establish rapport o Speak calmly o Focus on people o Talk about ‘gut’ feelings o Explain the why

Characteristics o Direct

o Results-oriented o Loves change and challenge

o Decides quickly o Risk taker

o Seeks solutions o Can be hasty

Possible approaches o Be direct and to the point

o Focus on the new and exciting o Mix facts and feelings

o Focus on actions o Keep the how/whys brief

o Acknowledge desire for speedy results

Characteristics o Logical o Decides after evaluation o Wants appreciation for job done –

but does not want to be condescended to

o More concerned with ideas and principles than people

o May be self-critical Possible approaches o Acknowledge skill o Present facts and information o Present ideas logically o Speak calmly o Avoid over-emotion o Focus on benefits



Communication & learning styles

Using NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming Processing Order (Representation System)

Visual Auditory Kinesthetic

Common Characteristics

They memorise by seeing pictures, and are less distracted by noise. They often have trouble remembering verbal instructions because their mind tends to wander.

They typically are easily distracted by noise. They can repeat things back to you easily, learn by listening, like music, and like to talk on the phone.

They often talk slowly. They respond to physical rewards, and touching. They memorise by doing or walking through something.

Commonly used words

See Look

Appear View Show

Imagine Crystallise

Hear Listen Sound

Tune in/out Click

Ring a bell

Feel Touch

Touch base Get hold of

Comfortable Catch on

Play, Together

Questions that engage each communication style.

Do you see what I mean?

Are you getting the Picture?

How does this look so far?

How does this sound so far?

This sound OK?

Is this clicking with everyone?

Does this feel OK?

Is this comfortable?

Getting a Handle on this?

Ending Round Robin - The Importance of Wrapping up.

What was your highlight? What became clear for you today?

What idea did you hear that you liked today?

What do you feel you learned today? What will you use in the future?

Adapted from original document © Copyright 1999-2004 All rights reserved Michael Losier and Linda Storey



Persuasion and Influence So, it’s all just about getting what you want? No, but it might be about how you get what you want. Persuading and influencing is part of our everyday communication. In our words, actions and gestures we all consciously or sub consciously persuade and influence. It’s about seeking positive outcomes

Is it about influencing onions then? Hmmm … if you imagine people are just like onions with a ‘heart and soul’ in the middle and personal layers of values, attitudes and beliefs, feelings and behaviour.

Can I assume then that if I know how they behave, then I ‘have their measure’?

• Definitely not, certain values do not equal certain behaviour. Be aware of the following to avoid making assumptions:-

o Don’t make your mind up on first impressions o Listen actively o Don’t stereotype o Be aware people will behave differently in different situations – as you do o Don’t look with favour because they are like you – or vice versa o Be influenced by the positive as well as the negative o Be non judgemental.

So what can I do? Acknowledge that people have different influences and therefore different styles. Always start with the other person – their perspective, needs, wants, desires. Be sure of the facts and state the facts – but do not ignore the feelings. Check for understanding – both ways. Learn and choose appropriate approaches and responses. Be consistent and congruent in putting across your message – people hate double standards. They will see through the Ivory Tower syndrome and where your body language belies your words. Most importantly - if what you’re doing isn’t working, change your approach.

So if I do the talking and say the right things – that should do it? Don’t be so sure. Effective listening with a considered response is a far better guarantee. Similarly, when you are talking, be aware of how others are listening – what are they seeing, hearing, feeling, remembering and associating – what expectations do they have? Good listeners get listened to – because they help to build rapport.

But really ‘difficult’ people – there’s no point in bothering – you get nowhere! Most days – for most people – our everyday people skills do just fine. We might occasionally make mistakes or overreact or say the wrong thing and have to say sorry later – that’s just part of being human and fallible. But most days it’s ‘good enough’. However, it must be acknowledged that we will all at sometime meet with people with whom we feel we will ‘never get anywhere’. What counts is that you do what you can, you do your best and if it isn’t good enough – let this one go – go home and kiss your partner, walk the dog, cuddle the kids or watch Richard and Judy. Bottom line – you can change your ways and it can be a huge factor in helping you communicate with others - but you can’t change other people.

Top Tip - Don’t make it personal, don’t take it personally!



What makes people tick – The Human Onion!

Values ➢ Built throughout life, primarily childhood – little control

➢ Influenced by parents – friends, teachers, strangers, media.

Attitudes & Beliefs

➢ Directly from values ➢ How we judge and

evaluate people and situations.

Feelings ➢ Influence by attitudes and beliefs. ➢ If situation/person validates our

Belief we feel good. If not we feel threatened or uncomfortable.

Behaviours

➢ Response to emotions (feelings) ➢ The layer we CAN control

To influence others it helps to know what makes them tick. Avoid the trap of assumptions and truly consider the ‘basis’ of the person, who they are, what they like, how they like to communicate. When we build a relationship we are in a much stronger position to influence a win/win outcome, avoid conflict and maintain the relationship in the longer term. Primarily, if the communication you are engaging in is failing, try new ways to reach more positive results. Of course there will always be someone with whom we just don’t have any success – what we need to keep in mind is where we can and where we cannot influence change. Five Tips for communicating with influence

• Look beyond the immediate behaviour of the person – seek out meaning and feelings behind words and actions.

• Approach the communication being clear on what outcomes are desired – by all involved – and where flexibility is possible – on either side.

• Look for areas of mutual agreement, mutual desire, common ground - and build on these rather than the differences.

• Engage in communication which is appealing to the other person while still being open and sincere. Try different approaches to get attention.

• Beware of the five E’s of listening – ears, eyes, experience, emotion, expectation – and find ways to overcome these barriers both when talking and listening



Seven Steps to E’sy Listening



Why don’t we listen? 1. Selective listening:

• Tendency for selective listening

• Concentrate on what we think is important

• Anticipating questions!

2. Talking speed versus speed of thought:

• Differences in our talking speed and our thinking speed - Average words per minutes

• We speak at around 125 words per minute

• We think at around 500 words per minute

• So we jump ahead before we realise - waiting for the speaker to “Catch up!”

3. Lack of interest:

• How often do we listen when we are not really interested?

• Our interest is based on: personal interests, feelings towards the speaker, pre-occupation with other matters, tiredness

4. Personal Interest:

• We have subjects we’re not interested in when we automatically switch off

• Do we listen? Do we turn off! - next time check how long you listen for!

5. Beliefs and attitudes:

• We all develop our own beliefs and attitudes about ourselves, our life, others

• How do you feel if someone challenges your beliefs? Become emotionally involved, argue, not listen…

6. Reactions to speaker:

• Stereotypes...we often turn off from people we don’t respect

• Often too busy criticising language, background, etc.. to listen

7. Words we hear:

• Pet phases - e.g.. Now...Right...At the end of the day...

• Becomes a competition to see how many times they use that phrase!

8. Listening expectations:

• What we hear and understand is largely shaped by our own expectations and background

• Tendency to hear what our minds tell us

9. Physical distractions:

• Noise - only half listening! Something distracting outside etc



Active Listening Active listening means understanding the real meaning behind the words. So rather than simply hearing the words, an active listener would work to be clear about what the speaker is saying: his / her sincerity; the topic; the complexities and the completeness. As this is hard to do, when listening, it will help if we use our spare mental capacity to do the following:

• Maintain eye contact without staring

• Look interested by learning slightly forward and by facial expression

• Using encouraging responses such as nodding, agreeing where you can, ‘I see’, ‘I understand’

• Asking Questions: - for further information on the topic being discussed - for clarification - for repetition

• Summarising and Testing Understanding

• Suspending Judgement It is important to listen to what the other person has to say and not letting barriers get in the way so that you can consider ideas put forward with an open mind.

Effective Listening

L Look interested I Inquire/enquire with questions S Stay on target T Test understanding E Evaluate the message N Neutralise your feelings



Listening and Engagement Skills

To listen more effectively

• Make eye contact

• Don’t interrupt

• Don’t talk over

• Don’t finish their sentences

• Remove – or acknowledge – any audio or visual distractions

• Be ‘present’ – quiet your mind

• Look out for visual cues and clues – non verbal behaviours

• Paraphrase back to the talker to check your understanding

• Check – by asking – the intended meaning of words the talker uses – don’t assume your understanding is the correct interpretation

• Be open to new ideas and experiences rather than assuming the past dictates the future

• Prepare yourself and your environment to be conducive to listening

To engage others when you want them to listen

• Summarise regularly any key points

• Know your audience and adapt to suit – language, timing, emotion, detail, approach

• Provide information in step by step digestible chunks

• Minimise distractions – check the ‘comfort’ of the listener

• Plan what you’ll say – avoid launching in on a whim and a prayer. Think about the open, the key points you need to make and the close

• Think about how you say it – pauses, tone and intonation, emphasis, peaks and troughs, non verbal gestures

• Choose or lose jargon depending on the audience and how they will receive it

• Talk their language

• Show them the benefits to them

• Use and allow silences so that the listener can reflect and consider their response

• Use visual supports to illustrate key points

• Use evidence/source if you are providing/presenting facts and stats



Questioning Ask the wrong question and you will get the wrong answer - effective questioning is essential. Use open questions - good questions to use start with

• ‘WHAT?’

• ‘WHEN?’

• ‘HOW MUCH/HOW MANY?’

• ‘WHO?’

• ‘WHERE?’

• ‘TELL ME ABOUT’ Use probing questions to gain understanding.

• Are you saying ….?

• You mentioned ‘x’ – can you tell me more about that

• You referred to ‘x’ – who/what is that?

• What are your thoughts/feelings/views on this so far? Link questions – useful to move people on from a point ‘THAT’S REALLY USEFUL, I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE ON AND DISCUSS . . . ‘ Comparison questions – useful when you are getting conflicting messages from someone ‘As i understood it, last time we met you said . . . . now the situation is . . . could you please explain the difference so I am clear with what has happened?’ Be positive and constructive, do not be aggressive or negative. Focus on future and solutions, not problems and the past Avoid using some types of questions Be careful when using ‘WHY?’ It can come across as negative Closed questions e.g yes/no responses don’t allow conversations to open up. They can however be useful to confirm details or absolutes Avoid asking multiple questions as they can cause confusion or you only the get the answer to the first or last question



Clear and Confident Messages Managing the Message Be clear on the message you want to give. Be specific and to the point. Don’t give long pre-ambles – it makes people nervous – and may show your anxiety or lack of confidence. Use facts and evidence based information. Acknowledge potential feelings and responses – though don’t assume them. Be clear and honest about any negative factors and use these factors to highlight the need for future motivation/commitment/action. Acknowledge that in the real world ‘things do go wrong’ and people/things do move on. “Failure is not falling down, but staying down”. Don’t try to wing it. Really think it through and practice out loud how different words, phrases and tones sound.

Managing the impact Ensure that the timing and conditions are right. Who needs to know what, when and how will you communicate it. Do certain people need to hear the message at the same time. Should some people hear the message before others. Anticipate responses – or reactions! Consider how you will manage them. Be prepared to listen, answer questions, offer support if appropriate. Set the tone letting people know whether you are having a conversation, whether you are briefing them and they can reply, whether you are briefing them and there won’t be opportunity to reply (should be rare if ever) or whether you are giving them information on a need to know basis.

Managing your delivery Consider the communication style preferences of those receiving the message and pitch accordingly. You may need to think about the proportion of facts, emotional impacts, ways forward etc. contained in the message. Use confident behaviours: Be ‘to the point’. Don’t waffle and ramble. Maintain eye contact with individuals. ‘Roam’ eye contact in groups. Do you need to stand, sit, roam around – whichever, ensure your body language is still, expressive where necessary, ‘open’ and mostly, congruent with the words you are saying. Use ‘I’ or ‘we’ statements as appropriate. You may need to open on a serious note but finish with words of motivation – ensure your tone and words communicate this. Keep your head up right, your eyes focussed, your body and hands and feet still and your voice at the right volume in the right tone. Finally, don’t remove your personality from the message – you risk trust!



Seven considerations - dealing with conflict

1 Conflict Happens

• Disagreement is an essential part of team work

• If a team does not have strong feelings and emotions but relies simply on facts it is a less intelligent team (see Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence)

• The best decision makers use both facts and feelings.

2 Clarify Expectations

• Is the team clear what its purpose is?

• Do you have ground rules governing behaviours?

• Have you talked about how to depersonalise conflict?

• Is everyone clear about the level of authority / decision-making / accountability of others within the team?

• Do you have a structured way of dealing with discussions?

• Are performance expectations clearly defined and understood by everyone?

3 Identify the Type of Conflict

• Is it personal to the individual which is hampering their ability to be part of the team?

• Is it conflict between individuals?

• Is it conflict with the whole team?

• Is it conflict between several individuals?

• Is it conflict with someone or group outside the team?

4 Identify the Team Needs

• Situation – what is the problem to be solved?

• Options - What are the possible solutions?

• Long term consequences – what would resolve the problem?

• Victory – what would a positive result look like?

• Execute – Carry out the actions required. 5 Depersonalise the conflict

Create the environment for solution by getting the team to address the following:

• What happened/is happening?

• What were/are the consequences (facts and feelings)

• What would/will it take to move on? 6 Structure the Discussion

• Let each person have their say.

• Engage neutral team members to reflect on areas of agreement and disagreement.

• Explore areas of disagreement to identify specific issues.

• Have opponents suggest modifications to their own points of view as well as others.

• If you can’t get agreement – go for alignment.

7 Key Questions for resolving conflict

• What are we trying to accomplish as a team?

• What are each of our roles and responsibilities in accomplishing it?

• Who and when and what information do we need?

• If we get into trouble who can help us?

• How will we arrive at decisions?

• What strengths do we bring to establishing our goals?

• How do we make ourselves more accessible to each other?

• What are we doing that is blocking resolution to this problem?

• How can we express differences without blaming others?

• What behaviours are unproductive?

• How can we help individuals to take ownership of their behaviour?

• Challenge unhelpful behaviour



A Word to the Wise

All I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.

Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand box at nursery school.

These are the things I learned …

Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you are sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw some and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out in the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why. We are like that.

And then remember that book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK! Everything you need to know is there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology, and politics and the sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true; no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Robert Fulghum


Documents

Communicate to Influence - dsc.org.uk · © Directory of Social Change 2016 [email protected] 07967 027304 Persuasion and Influence So, it’s all just about getting what you want?