The Enquirer.

Members of the House. The United States is the best nation on earth (mad applause). It is the best at fighting terrorism (thunderous applause). It is the best at defending freedom (ecstatic

applause). It is the best at demeaning the French (frenzied applause). It is the best at manufacturing reprocessed bacon products (tumultuous applause). And it is the best at

spontaneous eruptions of mindless approbation (more of the same).

My friends, we stand upon the precipice of a new age (mad applause). With it, a new challenge (rapturous applause). A new era of cooperation among nations -­ with the US firmly in charge (ravenous applause). Because I believe, as does the world, that the United States is

the best at everything and an inspiration to us all (a deafening chorus of hoots, whoops, screaming ‘Hell Yeahs’, and removal of shirts)

PERFORMING LIVE OUTSIDE OF A COURT-­ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DECADES

“Don’t Stop ’Till You Get Enough

(Money To Pay Off The Lawyers)”

TOUR 2009

Tickets start at £200 (rear stalls)

Free entry to the under 12s (boys only)

Disclaimer: This concert features Michael Jackson. For safety reasons, all children MUST be accompanied by

their parents AND a lawyer.

CHELSEA STAR Ashley Cole has reacted angrily to tabloid claims that he was “engaged in an intel-­lectual conversation” with a mys-­tery blonde in a London bar while his wife, singer Cheryl Airhead, is away.

Cole’s lawyer said this morning:“These allegations are a complete

fabrication. The idea that my client has been involved with some kind of ‘intellectual’ dialogue is patently ab-­surd. He has never met ‘intellectual-­ism’, at a bar or anywhere else. Ash-­ley Cole is a professional footballer. He can’t even tie his bootlaces with-­out assistance.”

Asked to comment on the claims at the Chelsea training ground this morning, Cole replied: “Ashley like football”, before walking into the goalpost. (AP)

EXCLUSIVEFOOTBALLER DRINKS TOO MUCH, CHEATS ON WIFE, GETS NICKED BY ROZZERS

PRIME MINISTER and MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai was injured and his wife killed last night after driving into the path of a charging lorry.

It is another setback in a po-­litical career ridden with tragedy. Over recent years a number of Mr. Tsvangirai’s aides and supporters

have died suddenly, often hav-­ing beaten themselves to death, or falling onto a hail of bullets, or hacking themselves to pieces with machetes, or, more probably, having been murdered by the evil white colonial British.

President Mugabe’s Secret Police Service is not treating the incident as suspicious in any way

at all.Brandishing a large rifle, a

spokesman said: “Having exam-­ined the crash scene carefully, de-­stroying any evidence and beating and imprisoning any witnesses, we can confirm this was merely a tragic accident. We know you understand, and we know where your wives and children live, too.”

JIHADI INTERNATIONAL SERIES SRI LANKA v TALEBAN XVI (1st Gunnings)SRI LANKA 9 dead for zero (match postponed for midday prayers)

Osama Spin-­‐Laden, Nasir al-­‐Stump (Taleban XVI) all out (of ammo); Pakistani Security Services all out (for lunch)

What does this mean for world cricket?asks Geoffrey BoycottI FOR ONE can’t recall a more notable event in world cricket since the Trent Bridge third test against Australia in 1977, when I famously ran out Derek Randall in front of the home crowd, scoring 107 and 80 not out and giving England a sensational victory before going on to score my 100th 100 at Headlingly later that same series.

I grafted, of course. But these Jihaddipaki lads, or whatever they call themselves, just don’t cut it in my opinion, and they let themselves down badly this morning. My dear old grandmother could fire an AK-­47 assault rifle better. It’s as simple as that. © Yorkshiretosh, 2009.

VOTE TREVFOR COMMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!Vote TREV for:-­ Better things-­ Improved stuff-­ New teeth

VOTE KEVFOR ACADEMIC!!!!!!!!!Vote KEV for:-­ Better stuff-­ Improved things-­ New coversheets

VOTE BEVFOR FINANCE !!!!!!!!!!!Vote BEV for:-­ Lower fees-­ Higher wages-­ Better weather

VOTE DAVEFOR PM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Vote DAVE for:-­ A new Britain-­ A new World-­ A used windfarm

ZIMBABWE DAILY TIMES Proprietor: R MugabeSaturday, 7th March 2009 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HEROIC wartime lead-­er Winston Church-­brown is the toast of Washington following his historic address to both houses of the US Congress.

Taking the floor to the tune of “The Interna-­tionale” played by the Fife Philharmonic Bagpip-­ers, amid vast swathes of squealing fans, there was little doubt that America has taken our glorious Commandante straight to her heart.

Mr. Churchbrown’s speech during this period of unparalleled economic

strife was a panoptic vi-­sion of peace and recon-­ciliation for the new age ahead, in which America leads the way and every-­one else follows her exam-­ple or else gets bombed.

At the end of his glo-­rious address Mr. Church-­brown announced to the House:

“I have a dream. And it is a dream of me, giving this speech”.

Members of the House then lined up to offer con-­gratulatory backslaps to Prime Minister Brown-­nose, except President Obama, who was busy in Palm Springs playing golf with Jesse Jackson.

MR. SH*T GOES TO WASHINGTON

“

”

THOUGHT FOR THE YEAR:Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s

US Congress Message to Rwanda:“Never again will we say ‘never again’ for

failing to save you from genocide. Because next time, we’ll say ‘never again’ to Darfur instead”Taken from The Penguin Book of Shameful Quotes 2009

by J. R. Opportunisteimer

ABOVE: “I swear, the whoppers I tell back home are THIS big,” joked Mr. Brown last week as he captivated the Houses of Congress with his fanciful tales of heroic statesmanship. Follow-­ing his address, Mr. Brown and the House mem-­bers joined the Fife Philharmonic Bagpipers in a rousing rendition of Starship’s ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now,’ with Bruce Springsteen on lead vocals.

We are pleased to announce the opening of the Baby Buddha Chinese Teahouse, a unique Cantonese dining experience for Norwich City

Centre. Situated on Ber Street, this exquisite, intimate location is set in a lovingly restored Grade II listed building, fusing authentic oriental décor

with a modern, contemporary setting.

The highlight of the Teahouse is sampling the delightful selection of Dim Sum. All of Baby Buddha’s Dim Sum is hand-­made on site by their skilled

chefs, creating an exclusive dining experience in the heart of Norwich.

The Teahouse has been opened by the Ngai family, a long-­time ambition of a speciality restaurant, after successfully running the Win Lee

takeaway in Poringland for over 15 years.

(Serving authentic Dim-­Sum and Cantonese cuisine)139 Ber Street, Norwich, NR1 3EY

Telephone: (01603) 490889www.babybuddha-­teahouse.co.uk

(downloadable menus)Opening Hours: Monday-­Sunday 12noon -­ 10pm ;; closed Wednesday

Free Car Park Available: for Customers Mon -­ Sat: 6pm til close;; Sun: 12noon -­ close

Evening bookings only. Dim-­Sum menu from 12-­4.30pm. A la Cart Menu 12noon -­ 10pm

Dear Betty and Ted